I’m down on
68 kg! That was years ago I was this thin! Well, “thin” is
a bit of an overstatement. Got into my leather pants, they're a
little itty bitty too tight, but I can walk around in them without
discomfort. 12 kg down, 8 to go. Ah, I really miss weighing
little enough for people to mistake me for being thin. Two
“obstacles” I somehow seem to fight: testosterone that is known
to cause weight gain (you get more muscle mass) and starvation is
said to not make you lose weight (unless you're at it for a
really long time, which I suppose I have been now, or well
around 4 months. Don't really know if that is considered a long time
though.) I'm also very careful about what medications I take, I
refuse to take something that has weight gain as a side
effect.
They have
razorblades at ICA! I can't believe it! A 5-pack, meant for those
kind of things you use to scrape of food residue from stoves with
glass plate. Not as stylish as the old kinds, but on the other hand
thicker and therefor steadier to hold and can take a little pressure.
Jeez, I'm really talking about them as if they were tools for some
kind of hobby! Ain't that the truth then, huh? I was so nervous
buying them, thinking the clerk was gonna ask me what the fuck
I’m intending to use them for. I even sort of practiced what I
would have said if he did...
On my way home
I saw a tarnished bike lying on the ground halfway to the store, by
the road. I was thinking of taking it, but was unsure if some crazy
lady would run after me screaming that I stole her bike. (It's a
woman's bike). So I’m gonna wait a couple of days and then go back
to see if it's still there. If it is, I will steal it. Now
this is a really small commune, so if I do take the bike I plan to
redecorate it a bit, just to make sure its real owner won't find out
and let hell break lose.
And I really
need a bike, and I’m too poor to buy one (even just a few hundred
is too much). So according to my ethics, it's not wrong for me
to steal one. Well, I generally don't think theft is wrong, but even
less wrong in this case. Stealing something you need is better than
stealing something you don't need. I think I started this habit when
I was poor for real and had to completely depend on others for money
just to survive and not end up on the street. Desperate times
calls for desperate means. Sometimes I can't really believe I
really was that close to homelessness. And if I had lost my
apartment, my stubbornness and stupidity would have told me to still
stay in Uppsala, even if it meant living on the streets or selling my
ass and everything I owned. Rather than just move in with my parents
here on Gotland. Oh, well. Then I got ridiculously rich for
about a month and bought lots of things. Försäkringskassan had
miscalculated and given me almost 50 thousand...
Now where was
I? Yes. I really love having stolen objects, they get these sort of
vibes or auras or something that just makes me value them more. And
of course because I didn't have to pay for them! No guilt, no
remorse, just excitement and a slight touch of joy. *cough*
kleptomaniac *cough* Well, not compulsively stealing, just really
liking it.
It doesn't
happen that often nowadays. I don't visit other people's homes
anymore and at School or the psychiatric department of the hospital
in Visby, I haven't found much at all worth stealing. Just an eraser,
some pencils, some papers loitering in a printer. Nothing really
valuable or something that people would miss. They'll just think they
misplaced the stuff or something, and I’ve never been confronted
about it. Well at least not since I moved here. Kinda harmless in
other words, or at least in my point of view. And I never
shoplift, it's too damn risky and I’m quite keen on not
getting caught. Not cause I think they'd deal out some horrible
punishment or something, rather because of the shame of it.
I went a little
beauty crazy earlier today as well. Shaved, washed, exfoliated and
moisturised my face. It really isn't necessary anymore though, my
skin is better than ever for some reason I can't figure out.
No acne, no extra oily-ness, over all more even and fresher. Acne
scars are healing up and becoming less red, which is about time if
you ask me! I will always look a little scarred, but that's not a
problem for me. I think that if I had perfect skin I would have cut
my face or something to make it less perfect. I’ve always loved
scars, anything from neat lacerations to acne to those from burn
wounds. Barely noticeable or severe, intentional or from accidents,
all is sexy. Now remind me again why I can't get a date, when I'd
even consider dating severely scarred people and find them
attractive?
Then I took a
shower and extra carefully washed and dried my hair. Maybe next time
I’ll even take a pair of tweezers and organise my overgrowing
semi-mono eyebrows. Do they get fussier on testo? Or maybe it's just
that I’ve let them grow wild for the last years. They've always
been kinda bushy, much like my father's eyebrows. Hm, that's
interesting. Also my mother once rather recently told me that my
voice is much like my father's. I’m becoming more like him and less
like my mother, appearance-wise. He might not look so attractive
nowadays, but he was actually quite handsome when he was in my age.
And for some creepy reason I don't find it weird thinking of
my father as attractive... okay, not mentioning my relapsing incest
ideas. I'm fucked up cause I’ve already tried that. No questions
'bout that, oki? It is illegal, you know.
The
construction workers repainting the house are for the moment washing
my window. That's nice of them.
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