In dreams

Tonight I dreamt that I went to see a lot of different specialists and they all told me that I needed to find my higher self. That "me" would be everything I've ever been and remember everything I've experienced. I think what this means is that I do hold the answers that I need, cause I haven't forgotten anything, I just can't access all of it. Answers to questions I haven't asked yet, and by finding that higher, or astral me, I will find what I seek. I think someone is trying to communicate with me through my dreams, by guiding me.

I'm so exceptionally good at taking care of myself, ain't I? I went from cutting to drinking, to coffee and then back to cutting again. Total waste of energy and what not. But something's telling me I have to go deeper again. Keep digging, inwards. I might not find an answer, but I might find something that can lead me to an answer. And I can reach my subconcsious through my dreams. If I learn to lucid dream again, I might be able to find the answer that I need, in my sleep.

A bit unconventional perhaps, but it's a way of accessing parts of my brain that I don't have access to. And when it comes to dealing with my addictions, I think the best way to do that is to find the source of the problem. Almost like hypnotherapy on myself! But I have a feeling it could be dangerous. I'm talking about going in real deep this time. Not just thinking and analyzing feelings, but stepping right into the subconscious mind. Or maybe I'm just a bit scared of what I'll find in there. My subconscious does freak me out a little. So much darkness going on there, so much darkness...

But if it goes to hell, I know where the psych-ward is, right? Nah, doubt it will come to that, but it sure feels a little exciting. Now what, I can't just "dive in" the next time I fall asleep, I need a plan. First I have to become aware of the fact that I'm dreaming, and to do that I first need to be able to remember my dreams as much as possible. Find patterns, recognise things. So the first step will be buying a dream diary (read: a notepad), cause typing it on my phone is not really optimal. Then we'll see how it goes.