Under the surface

I have this very weird and complex combination of various feelings right now. You can not believe just how many different combinations there are. Infinite. I think I have personally experienced a couple of hundred of them, perhaps more.

I can hear my heartbeats, raced by the caffeine. My headache is not gone, not strong, but lingering with a slight, barely noticable pounding. My eyes are heavy, unable to focus. I see what I look at, but only partially, like I don't know what I'm watching or can't see the big picture. Like spacing out, but fixed in the moment. There's a pain in my heart, and a sad smile on my lips. I can barely feel my body, but it's tense. I forget my thoughts right in the moment they go from being subconcious to concious. I don't remember what I thought, but I know there was something. I feel lost, like I've forgot where I am, can't decide over something, can't place the pain - is it physical, mental or in my soul? Or maybe all three? I feel content, happy, like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Nostalgic, like I'm thinking about forgotten places, but that doesn't make sense. Cause how can I miss something that I don't remember?

All of that at once, overlapping, blending in together. I can just barely seperate them. Some of it I can't possibly distinguish. It creates a unique sensation, that I will probably never experience again. That is a shame, and I wish I could document this feeling in a better way than words.

Sometimes I can create unique combinations of feelings like this one; by listening to music I've never heard before or looking at things I've never seen before. But I never know before hand what I am going to feel, and I can't recreate the same feeling again. It seems as though my emotions and the way I experience them is a very complex part of my life. Almost like a life force all on its own. I can almost never say that I feel only one thing at a certain time, but it's easier to identify the combinatiated emotions if they are similar to each other. Like fear and anger, or sadness and pain. Or in strong opposition to each other, like fear and happiness, or anger and calm. It's those small nuances that are hard to distinguish, when the feelings are barely there, or so deeply embedded they don't really reach up to the surface.

Right now, it's like staring down a lake with dark, dirty water, trying to see what is underneath.