And so I finally cried, and I cried so hard. I watched the most beautiful love story on film: "City of Angels" about an angel who guides the recently dead to Heaven. He falls in love with a woman, a surgeon at a hospital, but even though they love each other so much they can't be together. Unless he gives up his life as he know it and becomes human. This movie is so beautiful and sad from beginning to end, and I cry everytime I watch it. No other movie I have ever seen shakes me like this one does.
This was the only way I knew I could cry. I've been building up tears for weeks, months even. But I promised myself that I wouldn't cry, not even think about it, that I wouldn't cry for him. Cause that would mean that my heart is broken, and that I have fallen into the same trap as I always do. I reach too high, fly so far up that that I fall... I fall apart. But I've come to realise that I keep repeating this over and over because I don't want to stop believing in love. Cause if I let my broken heart win, and finally decide that I've had enough, that I've cried for enough men and women for a whole lifetime, I would never experience love the way it should be. You know, mutual and all that stuff.
I really have experienced the pain of love enough for a lifetime, or several for that matter. I think the first time I felt it was when I was 12, and from then on my heart just kept on breaking whenever I fancied someone. When I was 15 and lost control over everything and my whole life fell apart, I stopped counting them. The wounds in my heart were as many as the years I'd been alive, and the pain exceeded my resources for coping with pain.
I only have two options. To either follow my heart wherever it leads me, through tears and despair, starvation and insomnia, obsession and passion, through fire and ashes. Or I can choose to abandon my heart, swear to never fall in love again and live the rest of my life alone, to never experience true love with another person. As the angel Seth says in the end of the movie, the line that always makes me weep my heart out: "I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss of her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One." So I choose love, for even if it kills me, I'd rather have that than the other option. I still believe, after all these years, I cling to the childhood dream of finding The One.
I feel every single human emotion so strongly, it's wearing me out. How even something so beautiful as love becomes so painful it feels like I'm being ripped apart. Love is to me the most painful emotion in the whole spectrum of human emotions. And it's just who I am, it's who I will always be. Will I come to learn how to live through a broken heart? My heart that never heals, and I doubt it ever will. More wounds are applied to it all the time, and all I can do is patch them up and keep going.
I was never over Tomb. I still keep his picture in a black frame, hidden among all my unpacked things, his green eyes peering at me and it stings everytime I look into them.
How can you break a heart that's already broken? I don't know, maybe I have two. All I can do now is hoping this won't break me completely, that I will have at least something left to hold on to when it really hits me. Just one straw to clutch to, and I will be fine, eventually. I know heartbreak, I know it like no one else, and I know that I can survive it. Just... keep that in mind.
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