So I meant to post this on Thursday when I wrote it but I didn't so I'm posting it now instead. Mostly I've just been too lazy to edit it or thought of it too late during the day and been too tired. However, now I'm neither too lazy nor too tired, so I'm finally going through it. This is that second insight I wrote about earlier. I've been spending (way too much) time thinking about this ever since but haven't actually really gotten anywhere with my thoughts. I might add them lastly but we'll see.
The tension is real at school now. That only other guy in my class is acting like a jerk and the teachers had to stop him from constantly interrupting the classmate that I like the most but he likes the least. Damn, I feel I'm starting to hate him or something. I've been feeling more strongly for people around me in general lately. I'm not just mediocre casual friends with everyone anymore. No, I favourite, love and hate in all directions. And one more thing, I realised just this morning, is that I'm scared I might be falling for my favourite classmate.
Yeah, she's definitely my type, if I have one of those, personality wise mostly. No I know I rarely develope feelings for women, but it does and can happen. She's in a relationship since 10 years back and they might be married but I'm not sure, but she does have two children with him too. Just to point out how utterly chanceless I would be. And also she's about 10 years older than me and says she would never date anyone as young as me. I'm not thinking as far as that I would want to date her, no, it was just... the thought just hit me when I looked at her during our coffee break ("fika" though) early this morning.
Like, I just thought to myself "I could fall in love with her" without me even being fully aware of my own thoughts. If I do though, just if, I'd most likely keep it to myself and not let her ever know about it. What good would that do? Telling her, I mean. I'm just trying to prepare for the worst, I guess. And no, it seems I can't possibly fall for someone who could ever love me back, or someone I could stand even an ounce of a chance with. My heart is so fucking annoying I can't even...
Yeah, I am scared of that happening, especially since it would mean I'm still polyamorous and being in love with K offers no fucking protection from further heartbreaks what so ever. Then it doesn't matter what I do, I can't control my heart. Maybe, what I'm fearing the most is losing that imagined control, rather than having my heart broken again. Cause I'm so used to heartbreak it's just not such a big deal anymore. But another thing I fear is things getting even more intense at school for me.
Even if I'd never let her know, I'd still be carrying the tension within myself whenever I'm there, whether she is too or not. I think I've used the letter "F" as a name/pseudonym for her here on my blog before, so I guess I could continue saying that instead of "my favourite classmate" which undoubtedly does sound a little creepy. I don't know, what makes me so drawn to her. But that she's brutally honest, very straight forward, has no shame or guilt it seems, she's kind and loving in a quite quirky way, has known darkness and knows how to thrive in it, she's just so damn fierce how can I not like her?
If I do have a type specifically aimed at women, it would be someone like her. A woman who's not afraid to speak her mind and stand for what she says, who can take care of herself (well I don't mean being hysterically healthy, but more like someone who knows how to stand on her own two legs without constantly leaning on others) and at the same time is charming, kind and has a good or at least decent sense of humour. If I'm digging any deeper now I'd probably say she would be a perfect example of how the perfect woman would be like for me. Like the type of woman I've always been looking for. And I have to move on, cause it doesn't matter how damn right it all feels like it could be, I don't stand a chance and I need to just stay back.
Yeah I am more focused on her personality than her looks, in case you didn't notice that I haven't described her looks much at all. But yeah, she's about my height, could be slightly heavier but not by much and honestly I don't even know how big or small I am compared to anyone, but she's not overweight nor underweight. Covered in tattoos that I have to force myself to not gaze at day in and day out cause they're so awesome. Short hair with sidecuts and undercut, dyed in a dark purple/red shade. Cute, even beautiful, but no she doesn't look like 20. Dresses almost only in black and I almost always like what she's wearing. We do have a very similar taste in clothing and such. Sometimes she wears lots of make-up but not always. So that's about the most decent summary I can come up with. Hopefully she's not reading this right now... then Satan can fuck me over a million times if I don't kill myself first, haha.
I feel as though I've always been strangely drawn to her even from the start of the fall term. Back then she had like a shield around her that screamed "don't fucking come near me" and I did act with much caution but I wasn't afraid. I believed she had good reasons for disliking people and being put in a group full of strangers, and it turned out I was right about that. I simply gave her time and space as I just kinda slowly showed that I meant no harm what so ever. I just, somehow knew we would end up liking each other as friends and good classmates.
I do feel as though we just keep getting closer but I do also know that there's a limit. I keep my distance, she keeps hers. And I know I still haven't exactly told her the story of my life yet, and I don't know if I ever will. This may be my last term at that class/course while she'll continue to go there at least one more term I presume. I don't know. I will need to sort out this chaos before I can even begin to understand what's going on with me. Could my heart hold love for two unobtainable people at once? And what's that supposed to be good for? Why can't I just fall for someone obtainable instead? Why this? I just don't understand what the bloody point would be, and I'm tired of messes like these. Have I not suffered enough...?
No, of course I haven't, and I never will have. That much is clear to me. But then, if I turn it around, maybe I'll also never feel joy and happiness enough too. That it will never be too much happiness, if I just keep going. I don't know, I guess I'll keep going either way, whatever's in store for me. I will know eventually. And I will try to tackle this as well as I possibly can, no matter what it might or might not turn into. Yet I only have a very vague sensation of which direction things might be heading, it's almost like a hunch kinda. All I know is that there's something shooting tiny sparks inside me, and it could lead to it becoming a crush. I'll keep an eye out, and thank the higher powers or my heart (or whatever is to blame) for the warning. I think I needed it.
Monday, 29 February 2016
Thursday, 25 February 2016
The ghost of a dream
I keep coming back to this dream. I just went through it all for a second time now. First time was maybe 6 months ago or so. The whole dream is a very high resolution, graphic video game that you step into and literally become your character. Much of it is similar to world of warcraft as some places and races and fighting styles comes from it but it's all also completely different. Like, it is a world. A whole different world that I can't even begin to describe.
But all the time I'm so incredibly sad and depressed while in that world. At first, I am with my father and my sister, we basically show him around and do cool tricks with our characters that we do have full control over. Like I turned myself into a bat (the animal) and flew around near a waterfall. I was trying to find my way to a specific place that I had unlocked earlier on but had forgotten where it was and what it was called, but it was in Draenor so that's taken from WoW.
This is gonna take some time for me to describe this dream, but I think it's just so cool, sad, dramatic, mysterious... I just have to share it. In about the middle of the dream my father tells me I should go take a shower while he will try to catch up with my sister who flew away somewhere also turned into an animal but it was not of an Earthly, or WoW sort. I don't know how to describe it. However, I head over to my temporary room or home within the game and start to undress after trying to shield myself off with a drapery to not be seen naked by the three older women who were in the same room. Then something happened, I woke up and when I fell back to sleep and was pulled into the dream again, I got the news of someone throwing a bomb into the room where I was.
So I decided finally I had my chance, so I hid under my bed when they evacuated the area and smiled when the bomb went off and I was blown into pieces. Then I watched the scene as a ghost or something, how my father rushed to the small house that was now scattered in ruins and not much was left of it at all. Random people in uniforms stumbled through the ruins and told my father to not come any closer. He randomly screamed "is my son there? is my daughter there?" or something similar, switching between pronouns and the people in uniforms asked my father if there was anything particular about the way I looked, perhaps my hair?
My father responded that I had black and green dreads and that's when I knew the uniforms had found my body. Now, this dream was perfect in terms of all the surroundings, exactly how I want the actual WoW to be like, yet I was so happy that I could die in it by being blown up into pieces.
The rest of the dream is fading now, I did not have enough time to write it all down. But I did linger around in that game as some kind of ghost for a while, I felt so at home there, like second best to Dala. I followed a weird blood elf couple that would merge into one person whenever they saw love because their own love was impossible. And another blood elf woman who was so obsessed with beauty that her looks had become the most horrendous that my mind could create at that time and place. It was kinda heartbreaking to see her.
And a very young couple (children) that looked somewhat human but also not, maybe like some kind of broken elves or forest people, and the male one of them was expecting their children. At first glance the babies looked like horrible monsters through his transparent belly, but the closer I looked, the more cute and adorable they appeared until I saw they were baby dragons.
All these people, and my father being basically what I always wanted for him to be like, just leave me with this very strange, sad yet calming, upset yet complete feeling. And I love this dream like a lost part of a forgotten past, I think it has so much to tell me, this second time, that it couldn't tell me the first time. I hope it never leaves me, but I think, I'm done dreaming it now. Cause now I got the message. I just have to interpret it now.
It just hits me, that I have so many happy places that I can never actually visit and that it saddens me so much. Nothing sweet without bitterness? Perhaps then, nothing's bitter without a bit of sweetness to it as well. Maybe that's what makes my life somewhat endurable, in the end. Knowing that even the darkest and gloomiest parts has some light in them as well. But also I can never find peace or feel free, or ever fully comfortable, because what's light always has a bit of darkness in it.
Maybe that's why I'm lingering, feeling stuck between the real world and the worlds that exist only in my mind. Cause in the real world I always feel the weight, the darkness, death and fate and responsibilities hanging over me, making me not wanting to stay in it. So I flee into my own worlds, either through daydreaming or actual dreaming, where I can feel that freedom I so long for, that comfort, to be myself so utterly and completely, but I can't stay in those either. I wish I could. Damn, I wish I could completely vanish into myself and never ever leave my dreams. All those magical places that I subconsciously create, or remember from past lives. To completely live in my own imagination. Be completely shut off from the real world.
I am doing better, I really am, but that dream awoke something within me. That longing, for my own twisted sense of what freedom is. To be free from this world. I believe that's why I don't think I could ever feel free while I'm still alive, because the way I view life, is literally like being in a prison. The only thing that could break my cage open is me dying. And I believe in it so strongly, that I have no doubt I always will. No matter what. It's been imprinted in me since early childhood at least, that death is the only real freedom. I can't believe in anything else.
What I'm doing now, making dreads, drawings, writing, go to school and whatever, I'm just passing time. It has no deeper meaning. It still feels shallow. Activities to get life going in the only direction it can: towards death. I still dream and fantasise about dying, just not as much and I'm not thinking about it that much either. I mean, up until now I hadn't thought about it for weeks, but now that I do, I realise I still want death more than I want life. I'm still not gonna attempt anything, but probably wouldn't turn down the option if I was given it.
So that's how I'm living, truly, and I couldn't say it before because I didn't even know it. My words are coming to an end but it's been quite a good couple of new insights today. I might tell you about the other one I had early this morning, if I feel up for going through that text. Yes, it's already written, it just needs some brutal editing before I'm posting it. I don't want to say too much, cause it involves another person. But more about that later. Now I need to rewind and do something else for a while.
But all the time I'm so incredibly sad and depressed while in that world. At first, I am with my father and my sister, we basically show him around and do cool tricks with our characters that we do have full control over. Like I turned myself into a bat (the animal) and flew around near a waterfall. I was trying to find my way to a specific place that I had unlocked earlier on but had forgotten where it was and what it was called, but it was in Draenor so that's taken from WoW.
This is gonna take some time for me to describe this dream, but I think it's just so cool, sad, dramatic, mysterious... I just have to share it. In about the middle of the dream my father tells me I should go take a shower while he will try to catch up with my sister who flew away somewhere also turned into an animal but it was not of an Earthly, or WoW sort. I don't know how to describe it. However, I head over to my temporary room or home within the game and start to undress after trying to shield myself off with a drapery to not be seen naked by the three older women who were in the same room. Then something happened, I woke up and when I fell back to sleep and was pulled into the dream again, I got the news of someone throwing a bomb into the room where I was.
So I decided finally I had my chance, so I hid under my bed when they evacuated the area and smiled when the bomb went off and I was blown into pieces. Then I watched the scene as a ghost or something, how my father rushed to the small house that was now scattered in ruins and not much was left of it at all. Random people in uniforms stumbled through the ruins and told my father to not come any closer. He randomly screamed "is my son there? is my daughter there?" or something similar, switching between pronouns and the people in uniforms asked my father if there was anything particular about the way I looked, perhaps my hair?
My father responded that I had black and green dreads and that's when I knew the uniforms had found my body. Now, this dream was perfect in terms of all the surroundings, exactly how I want the actual WoW to be like, yet I was so happy that I could die in it by being blown up into pieces.
The rest of the dream is fading now, I did not have enough time to write it all down. But I did linger around in that game as some kind of ghost for a while, I felt so at home there, like second best to Dala. I followed a weird blood elf couple that would merge into one person whenever they saw love because their own love was impossible. And another blood elf woman who was so obsessed with beauty that her looks had become the most horrendous that my mind could create at that time and place. It was kinda heartbreaking to see her.
And a very young couple (children) that looked somewhat human but also not, maybe like some kind of broken elves or forest people, and the male one of them was expecting their children. At first glance the babies looked like horrible monsters through his transparent belly, but the closer I looked, the more cute and adorable they appeared until I saw they were baby dragons.
All these people, and my father being basically what I always wanted for him to be like, just leave me with this very strange, sad yet calming, upset yet complete feeling. And I love this dream like a lost part of a forgotten past, I think it has so much to tell me, this second time, that it couldn't tell me the first time. I hope it never leaves me, but I think, I'm done dreaming it now. Cause now I got the message. I just have to interpret it now.
It just hits me, that I have so many happy places that I can never actually visit and that it saddens me so much. Nothing sweet without bitterness? Perhaps then, nothing's bitter without a bit of sweetness to it as well. Maybe that's what makes my life somewhat endurable, in the end. Knowing that even the darkest and gloomiest parts has some light in them as well. But also I can never find peace or feel free, or ever fully comfortable, because what's light always has a bit of darkness in it.
Maybe that's why I'm lingering, feeling stuck between the real world and the worlds that exist only in my mind. Cause in the real world I always feel the weight, the darkness, death and fate and responsibilities hanging over me, making me not wanting to stay in it. So I flee into my own worlds, either through daydreaming or actual dreaming, where I can feel that freedom I so long for, that comfort, to be myself so utterly and completely, but I can't stay in those either. I wish I could. Damn, I wish I could completely vanish into myself and never ever leave my dreams. All those magical places that I subconsciously create, or remember from past lives. To completely live in my own imagination. Be completely shut off from the real world.
I am doing better, I really am, but that dream awoke something within me. That longing, for my own twisted sense of what freedom is. To be free from this world. I believe that's why I don't think I could ever feel free while I'm still alive, because the way I view life, is literally like being in a prison. The only thing that could break my cage open is me dying. And I believe in it so strongly, that I have no doubt I always will. No matter what. It's been imprinted in me since early childhood at least, that death is the only real freedom. I can't believe in anything else.
What I'm doing now, making dreads, drawings, writing, go to school and whatever, I'm just passing time. It has no deeper meaning. It still feels shallow. Activities to get life going in the only direction it can: towards death. I still dream and fantasise about dying, just not as much and I'm not thinking about it that much either. I mean, up until now I hadn't thought about it for weeks, but now that I do, I realise I still want death more than I want life. I'm still not gonna attempt anything, but probably wouldn't turn down the option if I was given it.
So that's how I'm living, truly, and I couldn't say it before because I didn't even know it. My words are coming to an end but it's been quite a good couple of new insights today. I might tell you about the other one I had early this morning, if I feel up for going through that text. Yes, it's already written, it just needs some brutal editing before I'm posting it. I don't want to say too much, cause it involves another person. But more about that later. Now I need to rewind and do something else for a while.
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Desperate for the spring
I took off my drag clothes cause they're so uncomfortable like damn. And my corset needs some tending to, as the glued parts are getting unglued again and if I'm ever gonna wear it in public I'm gonna need to sew instead of gluing or literally everyone would be able to see my shining white bra underneath. Classy, right? Oh, and if I do, remind me to shave my chest as well cause that showed in my cleavage, haha. If I ever go out in public in that outfit it would require so much shaving I'm gonna need a whole fucking day to prepare beforehand. I am not kidding, I have become somewhat of a bear.
No I'm neither complaining nor bragging about my body hair. It simply is there and it's gonna become somewhat of an issue that I'd have to deal with if I do go out in full drag where actual people can see me from neck down. I mean, on tumblr I only ever post pictures of my face and hair. I don't know why exactly but I still keep this secret from most people I know. I haven't told my family members or anyone on facebook that don't know my tumblr. I think maybe part of why is that I'd like to surprise my friends in Uppsala whenever I go there and go out in full drag when I'm in that city.
Like I want to save it for the right opportunity. I know I've gotten more than just decent at make-up, and I hope my dread wig is gonna look nice too. Clothing is easy, I've always known how to dress to achieve certain ways of looking. I know both the extreme feminine and the extreme masculine and some of the in betweens. I know my style. So it's basically the make-up I want to surprise people with. So that's partially why I haven't uploaded any such pictures on facebook yet. Another reason is that I don't know how my classmates would react to it. I'm sure some would think it's cool as fuck, but perhaps not everyone.
I'm still probably not gonna tell my mother as I'm sure it would make her think I'm regretting my transition or she just wouldn't understand it at all. I'm not regretting a damn thing, I'm just having a bit of fun. But something that struck me, someone, a person I'm not gonna say more than that, that I know of had transitioned to male but did regret that or rather she realised it wasn't something she wanted/needed, and this is the important part: she said she started realising that when she started missing presenting as female. Something hit me there, like what if it's the same for me? I started missing presenting as female too.
But I do have my doubts about that and they are strong. Cause whenever I do doll up I do feel great, but also terribly uncomfortable and dysphoric. Why do it then? I don't know! I just can't stop and it's obviously some kind of hobby or I don't even know what. I would almost, no actually, consider it some kind of passion. Cause I love playing with make-up and looking extremely feminine. I love trying to obtain the hour glass figure with just clothes, to shape my face temporarily and that's just the thing: I know it's temporary and that's why I can let out a sigh of relief, cause neither of that changes my looks permanently and that's really good for me.
I know I couldn't stand having real breasts again, but faking the looks of having that, that I somehow like. Maybe there's always been a part of me who liked acting, and that could be what it stems from. It's like, dressing up as someone or something else and pretend, but it's not a whole way charade, I don't act like a different person when in drag. Like, I don't change my voice or act in any different way. I'm still me, just wearing a costume.
I think it could also be that I'm trying to be someone or something I am not in order to escape myself somewhat. But at the same time I'm staying true to myself cause this is what I love. I love dressing in skirts and corsets, and doing dramatic make-up all over my face. I love looking overly feminine so to the point that society calls it drag. I wouldn't even call it that, if I'm digging deep. I guess I would call it simply expressing my true self. Yes, I'm still a guy, no matter what the fuck I do with my looks.
I'm pretty certain that if I had been a cis guy, people would not have been questioning my gender in the same way even remotely. They might have wondered, yes, but they would probably not have seen me as "just a confused girl deep inside" if you know what I'm getting at. Me transitioning is just as true, I do have these two polar opposites that are both just as me. A dire need to be seen as male in society and a dire need to express whatever it is I'm expressing when I dress up in drag. I'm both.
Both sides are parts of me and I'm trying my best to understand and embrace the two of them. At the same time as I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is I want to express when in drag. Cause heck yeah I'm feminine, but it's not precisely a female side that I'm expressing. I guess I'm back to experimenting, but in a whole different way. I'm safe now, in expressing my obviously male side and that's the side I mainly want to live out. That should be my "normal" face or what to say, the face I always lean back on as a safe security in this society.
Yes, this society is hurting me with its norms and rules, but that's not why I "chose" to rather express my male side than that diffuse whatever it might be side. No, it's because I feel the most at home there, because I simply have to, because it feels the most me and yeah, if I had to choose between being male or female I would choose the former without a doubt. I know I needed those 4 years from realising the first signs of being trans when I was 15 to stepping out of the closet finally at 19 to figure that out. Yes, I loved presenting as female and dressing that way, but it hurt significantly to be in a very feminine looking body and being seen as female in society.
Like, I still shine up whenever I hear someone say "he" about me or like at school today, my favourite classmate told me she thought I was manlier than the shitty classmate who thought he was the only guy there. Yeah, he totally said it behind my back that he still thought he was the only man in our class after he had been reminded of my existence. He does not know that I'm trans and neither does anyone else there. However, the more than decent classmate said that, with the explanation that I dare to be myself, and it completely made my day. She's pretty alternative looking too and by the way she was wearing an absolutely gorgeous black, knitted cardigan today that I would just love to have for myself.
However... (I'm getting off track constantly here but please bear with me, I might come to a point sooner or later) my point is that I still love it to bits when being seen as male no matter what the circumstances and to go back to being read as female would just be a nightmare for me. It would kill me so bad. And I know that the only way I like looking feminine is when I overdo it by these extremes, which society calls drag. I think, if you want my honest opinion, that society still can't handle men in make-up and dresses so it just has to categorise us as some kind of freak show.
Do I feel like a living freak show? Ah, heck yeah! Always, always felt that way, but that, my dears, is entirely on this society. I wouldn't see it that way with my dark sense of humor, if society had been different. Essentially, what I'm trying to do, is leaving society's norms and bullshit out of my mind when trying to figure myself out. It blocks my true thoughts and feelings and makes me simply feel like a freak and it just yells freak freak FREAK! in my head.
Now I don't mind being seen as a freak, I'm a self proclaimed one, but it is most definitely blocking my thoughts and feelings. I'm mostly just trying to be okay with myself, like don't freak out so much cause I simply love dressing up a certain way. It's just make-up, it washes off! It's just clothes, they can be changed! I think it just has such an impact on me that I'm entirely wrong and everyone who is an idiot thinks I'm actually regretting my "decision" to transition by putting on make-up.
Yeah, they're idiots and sadly, I happen to know a few of those kinds of people. Even have them on my friend's list on facebook. But, I'm not impossible or anything, I am (almost) always eventually up for just calmly explaining it to them, and... wait for it... most them actually get it after I've explained. They're not hopeless losers just because they are ignorant. No, all they need is a lesson, someone to point out, kindly, what exactly they're doing wrong and they can and will change. Most people do have some degree of kindness to them, most people aren't hurtful on purpose. I'm not, definitely not, aiming this at anyone in particular. No, I'm just throwing it out there. I think it's worth a thought.
That's why I make friends from all walks of life, cause I'm so often willing to educate them, and most of them, maybe 95% of everyone I've befriended over the past 10-11 years, have literally opened their eyes and accepted what I've said. And I can't help loving it when I can see it just brightens them up completely, like their eyes just shine up and they're like "aha, is that how it is, that makes so much sense now!" and it's just so damn worth it I can't even.
But then I'm not always up for explaining things all the damn time. Why should I? When there's google, for example? I'm smoking past the point of breathing difficulties right now and also I'm getting past the point of being tipsy. I don't intend to go to school tomorrow so who cares if I drink or not. Haha, yeah I'm drinking and I ate another chicken burger but guess what? My make-up still looks just as flawless. Oh noes, it started creasing under my eyes and my left eyelids are still glued together and the eyeliner has rubbed off on the eye shadow but... my eyes still haven't started running. Yay! I don't know why, but I know it helps not having any make-up on the waterline of my eyes.
I'm running out of vodka and words. But I believe I've said a lot and some of it might be new and insightful. Or not, I don't know. My one not-so-far future thought is to try and time a visit to Uppsala to whenever the monthly party dMz is gonna be, get a membership if required (I don't care if it's so over 500 bucks I'm getting it) and go full out drag there. It's not up and running during summers, that party, so it would probably either be April or May. I don't give a shit about school, they'll fucking give me a sodding week off no matter what. I'll probably tell them that my best friends couldn't have me visiting over any of the holidays or something.
Whatever I have to do, I'm going when it fucking pleases me cause it's literally been two years since my last visit there and it's definitely time for another visit. Good thing for me, one of my best friends are members/owners of that club these days so I'm pretty certain at least he's going to aim at going there whenever I am. Although I'm not sure if he's always there, but yeah. I'm really hoping it can work out somehow. I'll soon enough tell my best friend about my plans and hope we can all three of us work something out.
I mean, it's about two or three months until I plan on actually being there so no rush or anything. I want it to be spring cause then it's hopefully not too late but warm enough for me to wear what I want to wear. And still freezing my ass off a bit, but no pain no gain, haha. And yeah... I will speak to K if I so have to force him to talk to me cause I really do want to see him as well during my visit. I don't care how long or complicated the trip to go to him, cause he really lives far out in fucking nowhere, I'll get my ass there somehow.
I really do hope he'd want to see me too, cause I really have to tell him then. And I just want to see him, you know. But yeah, I really do have to tell him or I have a strong feeling it will be too late if I don't. And I don't care if we'll do fun stuff (parties, movies, drinking, I don't know) or just sitting somewhere and talking. I'd really like to meet his cats too, haha maybe that silly I don't know. However, I do really desperately need, I mean NEED to see him before it's all too late. And I know that timing in my visit to the main land to April/May is kind of pushing it, but yeah.
So, apparently not running out of words, just getting other ones. Anyway, I do feel my damn prophecy breathing heavily down my neck and it's just a couple of months away now. Yeah, I'd be sooo beyond disappointed if nothing happens. What if? -I keep thinking. Yeah, what if... but still I try to plan around it, cause I don't know what's gonna happen. All I have is a stupid prophecy that's been wrong before and a couple of hunches.
That's it for tonight, I'm working on my 5th and last drink and I need to go through this before I get too tired. Now, where do I start? Ah, right there.
No I'm neither complaining nor bragging about my body hair. It simply is there and it's gonna become somewhat of an issue that I'd have to deal with if I do go out in full drag where actual people can see me from neck down. I mean, on tumblr I only ever post pictures of my face and hair. I don't know why exactly but I still keep this secret from most people I know. I haven't told my family members or anyone on facebook that don't know my tumblr. I think maybe part of why is that I'd like to surprise my friends in Uppsala whenever I go there and go out in full drag when I'm in that city.
Like I want to save it for the right opportunity. I know I've gotten more than just decent at make-up, and I hope my dread wig is gonna look nice too. Clothing is easy, I've always known how to dress to achieve certain ways of looking. I know both the extreme feminine and the extreme masculine and some of the in betweens. I know my style. So it's basically the make-up I want to surprise people with. So that's partially why I haven't uploaded any such pictures on facebook yet. Another reason is that I don't know how my classmates would react to it. I'm sure some would think it's cool as fuck, but perhaps not everyone.
I'm still probably not gonna tell my mother as I'm sure it would make her think I'm regretting my transition or she just wouldn't understand it at all. I'm not regretting a damn thing, I'm just having a bit of fun. But something that struck me, someone, a person I'm not gonna say more than that, that I know of had transitioned to male but did regret that or rather she realised it wasn't something she wanted/needed, and this is the important part: she said she started realising that when she started missing presenting as female. Something hit me there, like what if it's the same for me? I started missing presenting as female too.
But I do have my doubts about that and they are strong. Cause whenever I do doll up I do feel great, but also terribly uncomfortable and dysphoric. Why do it then? I don't know! I just can't stop and it's obviously some kind of hobby or I don't even know what. I would almost, no actually, consider it some kind of passion. Cause I love playing with make-up and looking extremely feminine. I love trying to obtain the hour glass figure with just clothes, to shape my face temporarily and that's just the thing: I know it's temporary and that's why I can let out a sigh of relief, cause neither of that changes my looks permanently and that's really good for me.
I know I couldn't stand having real breasts again, but faking the looks of having that, that I somehow like. Maybe there's always been a part of me who liked acting, and that could be what it stems from. It's like, dressing up as someone or something else and pretend, but it's not a whole way charade, I don't act like a different person when in drag. Like, I don't change my voice or act in any different way. I'm still me, just wearing a costume.
I think it could also be that I'm trying to be someone or something I am not in order to escape myself somewhat. But at the same time I'm staying true to myself cause this is what I love. I love dressing in skirts and corsets, and doing dramatic make-up all over my face. I love looking overly feminine so to the point that society calls it drag. I wouldn't even call it that, if I'm digging deep. I guess I would call it simply expressing my true self. Yes, I'm still a guy, no matter what the fuck I do with my looks.
I'm pretty certain that if I had been a cis guy, people would not have been questioning my gender in the same way even remotely. They might have wondered, yes, but they would probably not have seen me as "just a confused girl deep inside" if you know what I'm getting at. Me transitioning is just as true, I do have these two polar opposites that are both just as me. A dire need to be seen as male in society and a dire need to express whatever it is I'm expressing when I dress up in drag. I'm both.
Both sides are parts of me and I'm trying my best to understand and embrace the two of them. At the same time as I'm trying to figure out exactly what it is I want to express when in drag. Cause heck yeah I'm feminine, but it's not precisely a female side that I'm expressing. I guess I'm back to experimenting, but in a whole different way. I'm safe now, in expressing my obviously male side and that's the side I mainly want to live out. That should be my "normal" face or what to say, the face I always lean back on as a safe security in this society.
Yes, this society is hurting me with its norms and rules, but that's not why I "chose" to rather express my male side than that diffuse whatever it might be side. No, it's because I feel the most at home there, because I simply have to, because it feels the most me and yeah, if I had to choose between being male or female I would choose the former without a doubt. I know I needed those 4 years from realising the first signs of being trans when I was 15 to stepping out of the closet finally at 19 to figure that out. Yes, I loved presenting as female and dressing that way, but it hurt significantly to be in a very feminine looking body and being seen as female in society.
Like, I still shine up whenever I hear someone say "he" about me or like at school today, my favourite classmate told me she thought I was manlier than the shitty classmate who thought he was the only guy there. Yeah, he totally said it behind my back that he still thought he was the only man in our class after he had been reminded of my existence. He does not know that I'm trans and neither does anyone else there. However, the more than decent classmate said that, with the explanation that I dare to be myself, and it completely made my day. She's pretty alternative looking too and by the way she was wearing an absolutely gorgeous black, knitted cardigan today that I would just love to have for myself.
However... (I'm getting off track constantly here but please bear with me, I might come to a point sooner or later) my point is that I still love it to bits when being seen as male no matter what the circumstances and to go back to being read as female would just be a nightmare for me. It would kill me so bad. And I know that the only way I like looking feminine is when I overdo it by these extremes, which society calls drag. I think, if you want my honest opinion, that society still can't handle men in make-up and dresses so it just has to categorise us as some kind of freak show.
Do I feel like a living freak show? Ah, heck yeah! Always, always felt that way, but that, my dears, is entirely on this society. I wouldn't see it that way with my dark sense of humor, if society had been different. Essentially, what I'm trying to do, is leaving society's norms and bullshit out of my mind when trying to figure myself out. It blocks my true thoughts and feelings and makes me simply feel like a freak and it just yells freak freak FREAK! in my head.
Now I don't mind being seen as a freak, I'm a self proclaimed one, but it is most definitely blocking my thoughts and feelings. I'm mostly just trying to be okay with myself, like don't freak out so much cause I simply love dressing up a certain way. It's just make-up, it washes off! It's just clothes, they can be changed! I think it just has such an impact on me that I'm entirely wrong and everyone who is an idiot thinks I'm actually regretting my "decision" to transition by putting on make-up.
Yeah, they're idiots and sadly, I happen to know a few of those kinds of people. Even have them on my friend's list on facebook. But, I'm not impossible or anything, I am (almost) always eventually up for just calmly explaining it to them, and... wait for it... most them actually get it after I've explained. They're not hopeless losers just because they are ignorant. No, all they need is a lesson, someone to point out, kindly, what exactly they're doing wrong and they can and will change. Most people do have some degree of kindness to them, most people aren't hurtful on purpose. I'm not, definitely not, aiming this at anyone in particular. No, I'm just throwing it out there. I think it's worth a thought.
That's why I make friends from all walks of life, cause I'm so often willing to educate them, and most of them, maybe 95% of everyone I've befriended over the past 10-11 years, have literally opened their eyes and accepted what I've said. And I can't help loving it when I can see it just brightens them up completely, like their eyes just shine up and they're like "aha, is that how it is, that makes so much sense now!" and it's just so damn worth it I can't even.
But then I'm not always up for explaining things all the damn time. Why should I? When there's google, for example? I'm smoking past the point of breathing difficulties right now and also I'm getting past the point of being tipsy. I don't intend to go to school tomorrow so who cares if I drink or not. Haha, yeah I'm drinking and I ate another chicken burger but guess what? My make-up still looks just as flawless. Oh noes, it started creasing under my eyes and my left eyelids are still glued together and the eyeliner has rubbed off on the eye shadow but... my eyes still haven't started running. Yay! I don't know why, but I know it helps not having any make-up on the waterline of my eyes.
I'm running out of vodka and words. But I believe I've said a lot and some of it might be new and insightful. Or not, I don't know. My one not-so-far future thought is to try and time a visit to Uppsala to whenever the monthly party dMz is gonna be, get a membership if required (I don't care if it's so over 500 bucks I'm getting it) and go full out drag there. It's not up and running during summers, that party, so it would probably either be April or May. I don't give a shit about school, they'll fucking give me a sodding week off no matter what. I'll probably tell them that my best friends couldn't have me visiting over any of the holidays or something.
Whatever I have to do, I'm going when it fucking pleases me cause it's literally been two years since my last visit there and it's definitely time for another visit. Good thing for me, one of my best friends are members/owners of that club these days so I'm pretty certain at least he's going to aim at going there whenever I am. Although I'm not sure if he's always there, but yeah. I'm really hoping it can work out somehow. I'll soon enough tell my best friend about my plans and hope we can all three of us work something out.
I mean, it's about two or three months until I plan on actually being there so no rush or anything. I want it to be spring cause then it's hopefully not too late but warm enough for me to wear what I want to wear. And still freezing my ass off a bit, but no pain no gain, haha. And yeah... I will speak to K if I so have to force him to talk to me cause I really do want to see him as well during my visit. I don't care how long or complicated the trip to go to him, cause he really lives far out in fucking nowhere, I'll get my ass there somehow.
I really do hope he'd want to see me too, cause I really have to tell him then. And I just want to see him, you know. But yeah, I really do have to tell him or I have a strong feeling it will be too late if I don't. And I don't care if we'll do fun stuff (parties, movies, drinking, I don't know) or just sitting somewhere and talking. I'd really like to meet his cats too, haha maybe that silly I don't know. However, I do really desperately need, I mean NEED to see him before it's all too late. And I know that timing in my visit to the main land to April/May is kind of pushing it, but yeah.
So, apparently not running out of words, just getting other ones. Anyway, I do feel my damn prophecy breathing heavily down my neck and it's just a couple of months away now. Yeah, I'd be sooo beyond disappointed if nothing happens. What if? -I keep thinking. Yeah, what if... but still I try to plan around it, cause I don't know what's gonna happen. All I have is a stupid prophecy that's been wrong before and a couple of hunches.
That's it for tonight, I'm working on my 5th and last drink and I need to go through this before I get too tired. Now, where do I start? Ah, right there.
Intrusive thoughts
Dear Y, it's been silent from you a while now. I just want you to know I'm still patient and I don't mind you taking your time. But I keep thinking about you and wondering how, like everything, is going for you.
I kept wanting to tell you something but couldn't find the words, any words. Sad, isn't it, that sometimes I have to drink in order to become more expressive? I think it is but I don't know what you think. Perhaps I should by now? I keep feeling disconnected from you, not wanting to be. I keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong, knowing that what's wrong is probably out of my control.
I cannot help who I love and not, who I love more intensively than the other. And I don't know when would be the time to tell you, but I keep getting these intrusive thoughts... that things aren't what they seem to be.
My mind constantly keeps battling itself ever since sometime in late December and I don't know how much of it I should announce or not. These intrusive thoughts are not very nice, they're really quite bad and I guess that's why I'm holding back telling you about them, I just can't sort them out.
Maybe it's just in my nature or I don't know what to blame it on, cause yeah I realise that's what I'm trying to do, to question everything. But either way I am questioning everything. And I subconsciously criticise so brutally.
I wish I didn't, but I'm thinking it might be either necessary on some level or it's me just being too damaged. To never fully 100% completely trust a single soul. No, not even K, not even my mother, not even you. And I do have a sensation that doesn't come as a surprise to you, as I think we both know we both have some form or degree of trust issues.
I just don't know how to handle those thoughts, and without telling you exactly what they are, cause I don't think I'm ready yet, I just want you to know they do exist and I'm trying to reason with them. To look at them logically, emotionally and try to understand them. But the thing is I've been trying for months now and I'm getting nowhere.
When I think it's time to let you know, I won't tell you like this though. But, as you know me, I just have a hunch that you already know what I'm talking about by now. I wish I was as connected to you as you are to me, but I guess wishing takes me nowhere, so instead... I don't know, but I'm like just trying to let it come to me in a way? I don't think that's something that can be forced.
But if I'm not completely wrong, I think, that if what's gonna happen this spring actually does happen (cause you never know) it might bring me closer to you. Or further away from you, cause for all I can tell from here, my criticism might take me further and it could potentially... fuck everything up. I really hope not.
But I feel it stinging in my gut like acid and I can hope with all my heart it won't become that way, but again, what good does it do? I cannot know much about the future as I try to let it go and let it just happen cause it's gonna happen no matter what, but you know that my thoughts, fears and obsessions tend to get in the way of things.
Now I haven't written anything to you in a while, but I did not neglect you. Partially I couldn't come up with anything to say, partially I thought maybe you'd write to me soon and I could tell you then. But I don't mean to interrupt you or say that I'm sick of waiting cause that wouldn't be true at all; I only wanted to give you some of my thoughts now that I'm finally able to write them down. I don't really know how life's treating you lately (like this past week then) but I hope it's not too bad. You are in my thoughts.
/John
I kept wanting to tell you something but couldn't find the words, any words. Sad, isn't it, that sometimes I have to drink in order to become more expressive? I think it is but I don't know what you think. Perhaps I should by now? I keep feeling disconnected from you, not wanting to be. I keep asking myself what I'm doing wrong, knowing that what's wrong is probably out of my control.
I cannot help who I love and not, who I love more intensively than the other. And I don't know when would be the time to tell you, but I keep getting these intrusive thoughts... that things aren't what they seem to be.
My mind constantly keeps battling itself ever since sometime in late December and I don't know how much of it I should announce or not. These intrusive thoughts are not very nice, they're really quite bad and I guess that's why I'm holding back telling you about them, I just can't sort them out.
Maybe it's just in my nature or I don't know what to blame it on, cause yeah I realise that's what I'm trying to do, to question everything. But either way I am questioning everything. And I subconsciously criticise so brutally.
I wish I didn't, but I'm thinking it might be either necessary on some level or it's me just being too damaged. To never fully 100% completely trust a single soul. No, not even K, not even my mother, not even you. And I do have a sensation that doesn't come as a surprise to you, as I think we both know we both have some form or degree of trust issues.
I just don't know how to handle those thoughts, and without telling you exactly what they are, cause I don't think I'm ready yet, I just want you to know they do exist and I'm trying to reason with them. To look at them logically, emotionally and try to understand them. But the thing is I've been trying for months now and I'm getting nowhere.
When I think it's time to let you know, I won't tell you like this though. But, as you know me, I just have a hunch that you already know what I'm talking about by now. I wish I was as connected to you as you are to me, but I guess wishing takes me nowhere, so instead... I don't know, but I'm like just trying to let it come to me in a way? I don't think that's something that can be forced.
But if I'm not completely wrong, I think, that if what's gonna happen this spring actually does happen (cause you never know) it might bring me closer to you. Or further away from you, cause for all I can tell from here, my criticism might take me further and it could potentially... fuck everything up. I really hope not.
But I feel it stinging in my gut like acid and I can hope with all my heart it won't become that way, but again, what good does it do? I cannot know much about the future as I try to let it go and let it just happen cause it's gonna happen no matter what, but you know that my thoughts, fears and obsessions tend to get in the way of things.
Now I haven't written anything to you in a while, but I did not neglect you. Partially I couldn't come up with anything to say, partially I thought maybe you'd write to me soon and I could tell you then. But I don't mean to interrupt you or say that I'm sick of waiting cause that wouldn't be true at all; I only wanted to give you some of my thoughts now that I'm finally able to write them down. I don't really know how life's treating you lately (like this past week then) but I hope it's not too bad. You are in my thoughts.
/John
Monday, 22 February 2016
Superficial matters
I just took out my dreads again. Got bored with and tired of them. I know I rarely write here anymore but it's because of several reasons: 1) I can't think of anything interesting and new to say and my own texts bore me, 2) I never finish any texts, 3) I don't have the energy to go through and edit anything and 4) everything I say just feels so old and repeated. Mostly I'm going on about make-up, drawing stuff, dreads and world of warcraft.
Now I'm wearing my blonde wig again, still wishing my real hair looked like that. I was almost not able to save a very entangled part of my hair just now, but managed to work it out. I'm so impatient for my new black wig, dread hair and make-up to arrive now, that I ordered yesterday. But I'm gonna have to wait until at least Tuesday, possibly Wednesday. It could all come the same day or slightly different days. I hope everything lives up to my expectations...
Not much happening here these days. I still eat too much junk not knowing how to deal with that, I still am not falling apart completely but yeah. I still cry at school for no apparent reason. But mostly I'm just at home alone and either play WoW, draw or play with make-up. I want to go more elaborate with that but my runny eyes is a problem. Hopefully my new concealer will help with that when it arrives. But I'm not expecting any miracles.
And then I also long for starting making those black and red dreads for which I bought hair. I'm thinking about and trying to decide how long and thick I want them, mostly. So yeah, I'm pretty boring and superficial these days. Not really thinking about anything deep and exciting. And I do like it that way, I do find comfort in the simpler things, those that typically don't drain me... much.
Right now I'm trying to draw Emilie Autumn but it's hard getting her skin looking decent especially with that pink blush she's wearing. I decided for satin and the warm grey scale cause there's not much colour on her pale face and the shadows are mostly leaning to grey. So far I've finished the sketch and coloured one of her eyes, and a little bit of the skin in her face. Also, her hair is gonna be a massive project in red, pink and white. It's a rather bright red so I'm thinking I'll mostly use crimson, lipstick red and carmine there. But yeah, haven't nearly gotten that far yet.
And I got my highest level arcane mage in WoW up to level 76 yesterday, so that's going good. Still overly careful and tactful with what mobs I attack to avoid getting mass attacked as I use to call it. I tried to kill a rare mob in Zul'Drak yesterday when I was at level 75 and failed miserably. It killed me before I had even gotten its health down to 50%... so yeah, I'm not exactly a killing machine but I can take down most mobs as long as they're not several on me at once. And also I need a little bit of luck with arcane missiles as well.
And I do really kinda like the supernova spell but have to be careful I'm very alone with my mob cause that's an area of effect (AoE) spell. I had absolutely no use of frost nova, which supernova replaced, so that's a good upgrade to me. I actually don't even understand why I should have frost nova to begin with. I get it at level 3 but it's just so... useless? Basically what it does is freezing all targets within 10 yards or so and they can't move for a few seconds, but it breaks the effect if they're attacked. Just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. At all.
Yeah I did create like a dozen of mages across the servers and I have a male belf, a female belf, a male dwarf, a female human, a male undead, a female undead and a female troll mage as of now. Good for me that almost every race in WoW can be mages, all except tauren if I remember that correctly. Not sure about pandaren but I don't play that race so who gives a fuck.
I didn't buy any cake at the grocery store today. Instead I bought pancakes, lettuce, cheese and bread. Thinking that's a tad bit better than cake and pizza. I have until May/June to lose 5-10 kg so I'm trying to start already as I'm most likely gonna need a period of trial and error before I actually start losing any weight. Starting tomorrow cause I still have some chocolate left today that I must gorge on until it is no more. I'll still eat some of that pizza cause it's not as bad as it may seem (at least calorie wise) but just not as much and try to eat other things as well.
So, my plan is to just eat a bit better for a little while, try and find foods that work and cut back on the sweets. Then when that's working try to eat a little less for a while and start counting calories again. Maybe start by cutting it down to 900-1000 a day. Then try to start fasting again, the goal is at least two days a week of coffee fasting and then eat somewhere around 700-900 calories a day on the other days. No sweets but sugar in my coffee is still a must. It should take at least a month to get into that routine, and then be on it for at least one or two months to get those kilos off me.
Exactly what I'll eat doesn't matter much to me as long as it's not too unhealthy. Like I know I need to eat more vegetables as well as more dairy products.
However. So funny how I just bought a primer for my make-up routine and then my favourite make-up artist on youtube makes a video about primers... It's gonna take forever for me to do my make-up in the morning when I get my new products. First wash my face and shave, then moisturise, let it set, then add primer, let that one set, then foundation, concealer, highlighter, contour, powder over everything, then fill in my eyebrows and add some eye shadow around my eyes and I swear to god I can't understand why I always forget to curl my lashes!
Yeah, all of that every morning. Gonna need more than 20-30 minutes soon. But hopefully blending stuff will be easier with that sponge, so that can go a bit faster. I don't know. Gonna have to try the whole routine some afternoon or evening first and time it to see how long it's gonna take, before doing it right before school. So I'm not like "oops, took longer than expected, I'm 15 minutes late".
Ahaha, my nails look so nice now, I think I'm gonna keep them at this length for a while. Any longer and they'll be in the way and start breaking, I think. I do use my "Maximum growth" nail polish by Sally Hansen but of course it doesn't actually make them grow faster, just keeps them from breaking by keeping them slightly stronger. I bought it years ago but I still have half the bottle left so it really has lasted long. I think I bought it when I still lived in Uppsala and that was almost 4 years ago since I moved from there. I really couldn't have long nails without that polish.
Sadly, it's now gotten to the point where I don't want to leave my apartment without make-up on. I just feel like I look ugly and gross without it. Today I "just" moisturised, then slapped on foundation, did some contouring and filled in my eyebrows to keep it as simple as possible. Just for grocery shopping. I don't get that much acne in terms of quantity these days, but the few pimples I do get are often very deep and big and gross and take forever to get rid of. And they scar so bad. Like I can't even avoid scarring at all, cause if I don't pop them they'll pop themselves. It literally can't be avoided.
Now my cheeks and jawline are the worst places. Forget the the "T-zone" cause that's not my most affected area. My forehead is almost completely clear and my nose usually is too. I also get dry patches and flaky skin where the worst acne is, and I do not doubt my moisturiser is what's making it so bad. But I can't deal with having dry flaky skin AND acne, for crying out loud! Also I need to moisturise my eyebrows or they'll get some kind of weird dandruff or what do I know. I don't even...
I feel as though my face is a god damned mess but others say my acne has been worse or that it's gotten better. I don't know what to believe, but I'm soon 27 and I don't want to deal with medium severe acne anymore. I doubt it's the hormones. No, this must be some kind of cystic acne. I have thought of going back to my local doctor and bring that cream he gave me and say this shit just made it worse, give me something that actually works. But then I'm not too fond of dealing with doctors and what not. I haven't decided what I'll do about that yet.
I guess that's one of my main concerns these days, dealing with superficial shit that makes me feel like I look like shit. I mean, I'm more concerned about what's on the outside rather than what's on the inside.
Right, so I've just finished drawing Emilie Autumn's face and will soon start with the hair. I've decided the red parts of her hair to be in crimson, lipstick red, carmine and baby pink which is more like a pinkish red tone, cause it's a very light and soft red in my reference picture. Also I think that will go well with what's gonna be pink in the picture, as red and pink are usually kinda hard to match. So I tend to make the reds lean to pink and the pinks lean to red.
Also I'm very pleased with how her eyes turned out. I used ice grey 4, 3 and 1 as a base, then added white lines with gel pen and green, yellow and black lines with colour pencils. So they're kinda icy grey with just a hint of green to them. It was hard trying to figure out what eye colour she really has judging by pictures, as they were grey on some, greenish on others and blueish on yet other pictures. So I simply went with how they look on that one reference picture I'm going after.
So this is what I write about all days lately. It doesn't get more interesting or deeper. Like ever. Not even at night, then I just get tired and usually stop writing sometime around 23:00.
It's now past midnight and I'm starting to get too tired to do anything at all. That last cup of coffee did absolutely nothing as I tried to get a last spurt of energy for my drawing about 20 minutes ago. I did draw some of her hair, random red, pink and white parts of it. Then I got halfway through her fringe and couldn't focus anymore. But so far so good at least.
Now just finishing up with a few last cigarettes for today, taking my meds and maybe play some more WoW before I crash in my bed. Look through tumblr one last time and facebook too. So that's it for now.
Now I'm wearing my blonde wig again, still wishing my real hair looked like that. I was almost not able to save a very entangled part of my hair just now, but managed to work it out. I'm so impatient for my new black wig, dread hair and make-up to arrive now, that I ordered yesterday. But I'm gonna have to wait until at least Tuesday, possibly Wednesday. It could all come the same day or slightly different days. I hope everything lives up to my expectations...
Not much happening here these days. I still eat too much junk not knowing how to deal with that, I still am not falling apart completely but yeah. I still cry at school for no apparent reason. But mostly I'm just at home alone and either play WoW, draw or play with make-up. I want to go more elaborate with that but my runny eyes is a problem. Hopefully my new concealer will help with that when it arrives. But I'm not expecting any miracles.
And then I also long for starting making those black and red dreads for which I bought hair. I'm thinking about and trying to decide how long and thick I want them, mostly. So yeah, I'm pretty boring and superficial these days. Not really thinking about anything deep and exciting. And I do like it that way, I do find comfort in the simpler things, those that typically don't drain me... much.
Right now I'm trying to draw Emilie Autumn but it's hard getting her skin looking decent especially with that pink blush she's wearing. I decided for satin and the warm grey scale cause there's not much colour on her pale face and the shadows are mostly leaning to grey. So far I've finished the sketch and coloured one of her eyes, and a little bit of the skin in her face. Also, her hair is gonna be a massive project in red, pink and white. It's a rather bright red so I'm thinking I'll mostly use crimson, lipstick red and carmine there. But yeah, haven't nearly gotten that far yet.
And I got my highest level arcane mage in WoW up to level 76 yesterday, so that's going good. Still overly careful and tactful with what mobs I attack to avoid getting mass attacked as I use to call it. I tried to kill a rare mob in Zul'Drak yesterday when I was at level 75 and failed miserably. It killed me before I had even gotten its health down to 50%... so yeah, I'm not exactly a killing machine but I can take down most mobs as long as they're not several on me at once. And also I need a little bit of luck with arcane missiles as well.
And I do really kinda like the supernova spell but have to be careful I'm very alone with my mob cause that's an area of effect (AoE) spell. I had absolutely no use of frost nova, which supernova replaced, so that's a good upgrade to me. I actually don't even understand why I should have frost nova to begin with. I get it at level 3 but it's just so... useless? Basically what it does is freezing all targets within 10 yards or so and they can't move for a few seconds, but it breaks the effect if they're attacked. Just don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. At all.
Yeah I did create like a dozen of mages across the servers and I have a male belf, a female belf, a male dwarf, a female human, a male undead, a female undead and a female troll mage as of now. Good for me that almost every race in WoW can be mages, all except tauren if I remember that correctly. Not sure about pandaren but I don't play that race so who gives a fuck.
I didn't buy any cake at the grocery store today. Instead I bought pancakes, lettuce, cheese and bread. Thinking that's a tad bit better than cake and pizza. I have until May/June to lose 5-10 kg so I'm trying to start already as I'm most likely gonna need a period of trial and error before I actually start losing any weight. Starting tomorrow cause I still have some chocolate left today that I must gorge on until it is no more. I'll still eat some of that pizza cause it's not as bad as it may seem (at least calorie wise) but just not as much and try to eat other things as well.
So, my plan is to just eat a bit better for a little while, try and find foods that work and cut back on the sweets. Then when that's working try to eat a little less for a while and start counting calories again. Maybe start by cutting it down to 900-1000 a day. Then try to start fasting again, the goal is at least two days a week of coffee fasting and then eat somewhere around 700-900 calories a day on the other days. No sweets but sugar in my coffee is still a must. It should take at least a month to get into that routine, and then be on it for at least one or two months to get those kilos off me.
Exactly what I'll eat doesn't matter much to me as long as it's not too unhealthy. Like I know I need to eat more vegetables as well as more dairy products.
However. So funny how I just bought a primer for my make-up routine and then my favourite make-up artist on youtube makes a video about primers... It's gonna take forever for me to do my make-up in the morning when I get my new products. First wash my face and shave, then moisturise, let it set, then add primer, let that one set, then foundation, concealer, highlighter, contour, powder over everything, then fill in my eyebrows and add some eye shadow around my eyes and I swear to god I can't understand why I always forget to curl my lashes!
Yeah, all of that every morning. Gonna need more than 20-30 minutes soon. But hopefully blending stuff will be easier with that sponge, so that can go a bit faster. I don't know. Gonna have to try the whole routine some afternoon or evening first and time it to see how long it's gonna take, before doing it right before school. So I'm not like "oops, took longer than expected, I'm 15 minutes late".
Ahaha, my nails look so nice now, I think I'm gonna keep them at this length for a while. Any longer and they'll be in the way and start breaking, I think. I do use my "Maximum growth" nail polish by Sally Hansen but of course it doesn't actually make them grow faster, just keeps them from breaking by keeping them slightly stronger. I bought it years ago but I still have half the bottle left so it really has lasted long. I think I bought it when I still lived in Uppsala and that was almost 4 years ago since I moved from there. I really couldn't have long nails without that polish.
Sadly, it's now gotten to the point where I don't want to leave my apartment without make-up on. I just feel like I look ugly and gross without it. Today I "just" moisturised, then slapped on foundation, did some contouring and filled in my eyebrows to keep it as simple as possible. Just for grocery shopping. I don't get that much acne in terms of quantity these days, but the few pimples I do get are often very deep and big and gross and take forever to get rid of. And they scar so bad. Like I can't even avoid scarring at all, cause if I don't pop them they'll pop themselves. It literally can't be avoided.
Now my cheeks and jawline are the worst places. Forget the the "T-zone" cause that's not my most affected area. My forehead is almost completely clear and my nose usually is too. I also get dry patches and flaky skin where the worst acne is, and I do not doubt my moisturiser is what's making it so bad. But I can't deal with having dry flaky skin AND acne, for crying out loud! Also I need to moisturise my eyebrows or they'll get some kind of weird dandruff or what do I know. I don't even...
I feel as though my face is a god damned mess but others say my acne has been worse or that it's gotten better. I don't know what to believe, but I'm soon 27 and I don't want to deal with medium severe acne anymore. I doubt it's the hormones. No, this must be some kind of cystic acne. I have thought of going back to my local doctor and bring that cream he gave me and say this shit just made it worse, give me something that actually works. But then I'm not too fond of dealing with doctors and what not. I haven't decided what I'll do about that yet.
I guess that's one of my main concerns these days, dealing with superficial shit that makes me feel like I look like shit. I mean, I'm more concerned about what's on the outside rather than what's on the inside.
Right, so I've just finished drawing Emilie Autumn's face and will soon start with the hair. I've decided the red parts of her hair to be in crimson, lipstick red, carmine and baby pink which is more like a pinkish red tone, cause it's a very light and soft red in my reference picture. Also I think that will go well with what's gonna be pink in the picture, as red and pink are usually kinda hard to match. So I tend to make the reds lean to pink and the pinks lean to red.
Also I'm very pleased with how her eyes turned out. I used ice grey 4, 3 and 1 as a base, then added white lines with gel pen and green, yellow and black lines with colour pencils. So they're kinda icy grey with just a hint of green to them. It was hard trying to figure out what eye colour she really has judging by pictures, as they were grey on some, greenish on others and blueish on yet other pictures. So I simply went with how they look on that one reference picture I'm going after.
So this is what I write about all days lately. It doesn't get more interesting or deeper. Like ever. Not even at night, then I just get tired and usually stop writing sometime around 23:00.
It's now past midnight and I'm starting to get too tired to do anything at all. That last cup of coffee did absolutely nothing as I tried to get a last spurt of energy for my drawing about 20 minutes ago. I did draw some of her hair, random red, pink and white parts of it. Then I got halfway through her fringe and couldn't focus anymore. But so far so good at least.
Now just finishing up with a few last cigarettes for today, taking my meds and maybe play some more WoW before I crash in my bed. Look through tumblr one last time and facebook too. So that's it for now.
Friday, 12 February 2016
Won't let go of that wish
All the way back from my psychologist's office I thought about having a child, and I thought about it in every possible angle during that 45 minutes long car ride. No matter how I twist and turn it, bottom surgery will have to wait. Another couple of years or more. Cause, let's say I decide to go for having a child, I'd first have to find someone who could make me pregnant, preferably a future partner or a friend, and that could take years from now. Then I don't know my body when it comes to that, meaning I have no idea how easily I could get pregnant or if I even can at all. So that could also take years.
I guess I've pretty much decided I can't just ignore that wish to have a child. It's going to stay no matter what I do. But I have to be at least somewhat smart in how I'd go about it. And I've been living with that wish for 3 years now without having gone and done something stupid, so for as long as I'm still live, why should I not be able to give it more time? If I don't die this spring or anytime soon, I think I could technically give it a few more years before I dissolve from my impatience.
I also don't know how long my organs can take all this testosterone, so I should and do keep that in mind as well. I wish there were more, or any studies on that in medicine. That science knew more about it so I wouldn't have to guess how much longer I could keep my organs intact while still being on testosterone. Cause I really don't want to pause my hormone therapy right about now for something that can and probably will take years. I would suffer too much if I had my original estrogen levels back in my body again.
No, I'll wait until I find a decent person who could and want to make me pregnant, then I'll pause my hormones. And of course go back on them either when I've had the child or when giving up on ever being able to get pregnant if it turns out I can't. That's the plan so far, at least. Pretty vague, but it's something. So, what I'm probably gonna do right now about it is simply just wait. Wait, wait and wait until I can find that person whoever it might be. It might be a new person, someone I don't know yet, or it could be an old friend for all I know.
I would though, try to save it for when I have a decent partner, as I think child raising would be easier if I had a partner to do that with. And of course it would help if that person had that equipment, but if they won't, I'm sure we could solve it some other way.
How sad isn't it, that I thought to myself long ago that I wouldn't go looking for a cis guy again, and then if I want a child, a cis guy is probably the type of person I should be aiming for? Knowing of course that not only cis guys are equipped that way, I'm not stupid. But most people with that type of equipment are cis males. I don't think I have much other options than doing it the way nature intended it or how to put it, because I feel that's the only way no one can stop me. I just don't think this shitty society would want me to have a child on purpose. I think a lot of people would try to stop me, by reminding me of what a wreck I am and how disabled I am. How throwing in a child into my life would not be a good solution to any of my million problems.
I think they're wrong in that case. I think, that maybe it could actually be somewhat of a solution. Not like a cure, absolutely not, but something to give my life some purpose and meaning again. I don't think love, which is what I associate with having child is, would do me any kind of harm. Sure, it would be difficult, maybe even impossible, but I still think it would be worth it. I still do. Despite everything, I think it would be worth it. But I don't think society would agree with me. In my opinion, I think society only thinks stable people with a decent job, a good relationship and who are in good health physically and mentally, should have children. Then if they're terrible people society seems to care less about. But that's just what I think.
I might not be a very good person, but I do believe I have good intentions and know a thing or two about how to treat children growing up, although I haven't had much practice, to be honest. I'm patient with people in general, I'm good at dealing with fights and disagreement. What I'm not so good at is setting rules or being a good example. My child would probably be such a rebel, open minded and not give a damn about what anyone thinks. My child would probably not be very obedient either. A pain in the ass to others but the most perfect person to me. Perhaps I wouldn't be the only parent with that kind of reasoning though.
I do still think a lot about it, and it's possibly the only far into the future thing I would like to do with my life. It's been 3 years now, as I first started thinking in the terms of wanting a child sometime during February 2013. And it's still with me. Sure, in periods I've been trying to reason my way out of it, but it didn't succeed much, now did it? Maybe I should just give into it, as it's apparently what I truly want. I haven't known what to do with that wish for all this time, constantly bearing in mind that I wouldn't be fit for being a parent, that throwing in a child into my life just wouldn't be such a good idea, and also not having much of anyone to discuss these thoughts with.
I don't want my family to know, because let me put it this way: if they think I'm unfit for getting a driver's license, why would they be okay with me having a child? They wouldn't, at all. And my psychologist would only focus on the practical aspects of it, or make a huge deal about how fascinating it would be with a transguy giving birth to his own child and all that fun stuff. I don't want it to be a big deal, I just want a child, that's all.
But I know, I do very well know, that if I do get pregnant it's gonna become a big deal, cause it wouldn't exactly be something I could just hide. Like, also if I do have my own child and walk around with it, well anywhere, and people ask me who the mother is, what would I say? Yeah, I either have to lie or tell the truth. Sure, perfect strangers have no business knowing, but what about friends, classmates, old classmates that became friends? People I like and know but who don't know about my background?
And those that do know about me would definitely make a big out if it. Some would be fascinated and happy for me while others wouldn't understand it at all. I do know all kinds of people. However, I do feel I don't really have anyone to share all these thoughts with, except from anyone who reads this, that is. I did talk about it with my former therapist or whatever her position was, the one I really didn't like and stopped seeing during the summer last year. Yeah, her. And she made a huge deal out of it. So to the point that I regretted having said anything at all about it.
Of course, I could talk to my best friend about it, but it's just that we don't talk that much at all these days. And maybe I'm scared she would think I shouldn't have a child at all because of all my difficulties. But yeah, she wouldn't make a huge deal of it, she wouldn't be grossed out by it or anything such. I'm sure she would also understand it from another perspective too, that she might want a child too one day. I know she's hinted at that. Haha, I've actually wondered who of us might be first to have a child. I would have loved to raise mine in Uppsala, with her by my side, but I'm thinking that's not gonna happen.
I'm not saying I would need her to help me out with whatever, just that it would be lovely to have her by my side. For her to see my child grow up and be a part of their life, however much they would both want that. Same as I'd want to be a part of her possible future child's life in the same way. But you never know, I might still be able to move back to Uppsala one day, but that's probably years from now if I survive this year. And by then I hope I will already have my little family. If only at least just the start of one.
I have so many thoughts about this I can't possibly write them all down, not right now at least, and some are secrets I can't share too, as those thoughts involve other people and their secrets. And I'm careful with not giving you hints of those. Cause a part of me wants to tell you about that too, but I just can't. Oh damn I'm so tired after that meeting with my psychologist, should I drink more coffee and try to stay up or give up and crash on the couch? Oh, these damn decisions...
I guess I've pretty much decided I can't just ignore that wish to have a child. It's going to stay no matter what I do. But I have to be at least somewhat smart in how I'd go about it. And I've been living with that wish for 3 years now without having gone and done something stupid, so for as long as I'm still live, why should I not be able to give it more time? If I don't die this spring or anytime soon, I think I could technically give it a few more years before I dissolve from my impatience.
I also don't know how long my organs can take all this testosterone, so I should and do keep that in mind as well. I wish there were more, or any studies on that in medicine. That science knew more about it so I wouldn't have to guess how much longer I could keep my organs intact while still being on testosterone. Cause I really don't want to pause my hormone therapy right about now for something that can and probably will take years. I would suffer too much if I had my original estrogen levels back in my body again.
No, I'll wait until I find a decent person who could and want to make me pregnant, then I'll pause my hormones. And of course go back on them either when I've had the child or when giving up on ever being able to get pregnant if it turns out I can't. That's the plan so far, at least. Pretty vague, but it's something. So, what I'm probably gonna do right now about it is simply just wait. Wait, wait and wait until I can find that person whoever it might be. It might be a new person, someone I don't know yet, or it could be an old friend for all I know.
I would though, try to save it for when I have a decent partner, as I think child raising would be easier if I had a partner to do that with. And of course it would help if that person had that equipment, but if they won't, I'm sure we could solve it some other way.
How sad isn't it, that I thought to myself long ago that I wouldn't go looking for a cis guy again, and then if I want a child, a cis guy is probably the type of person I should be aiming for? Knowing of course that not only cis guys are equipped that way, I'm not stupid. But most people with that type of equipment are cis males. I don't think I have much other options than doing it the way nature intended it or how to put it, because I feel that's the only way no one can stop me. I just don't think this shitty society would want me to have a child on purpose. I think a lot of people would try to stop me, by reminding me of what a wreck I am and how disabled I am. How throwing in a child into my life would not be a good solution to any of my million problems.
I think they're wrong in that case. I think, that maybe it could actually be somewhat of a solution. Not like a cure, absolutely not, but something to give my life some purpose and meaning again. I don't think love, which is what I associate with having child is, would do me any kind of harm. Sure, it would be difficult, maybe even impossible, but I still think it would be worth it. I still do. Despite everything, I think it would be worth it. But I don't think society would agree with me. In my opinion, I think society only thinks stable people with a decent job, a good relationship and who are in good health physically and mentally, should have children. Then if they're terrible people society seems to care less about. But that's just what I think.
I might not be a very good person, but I do believe I have good intentions and know a thing or two about how to treat children growing up, although I haven't had much practice, to be honest. I'm patient with people in general, I'm good at dealing with fights and disagreement. What I'm not so good at is setting rules or being a good example. My child would probably be such a rebel, open minded and not give a damn about what anyone thinks. My child would probably not be very obedient either. A pain in the ass to others but the most perfect person to me. Perhaps I wouldn't be the only parent with that kind of reasoning though.
I do still think a lot about it, and it's possibly the only far into the future thing I would like to do with my life. It's been 3 years now, as I first started thinking in the terms of wanting a child sometime during February 2013. And it's still with me. Sure, in periods I've been trying to reason my way out of it, but it didn't succeed much, now did it? Maybe I should just give into it, as it's apparently what I truly want. I haven't known what to do with that wish for all this time, constantly bearing in mind that I wouldn't be fit for being a parent, that throwing in a child into my life just wouldn't be such a good idea, and also not having much of anyone to discuss these thoughts with.
I don't want my family to know, because let me put it this way: if they think I'm unfit for getting a driver's license, why would they be okay with me having a child? They wouldn't, at all. And my psychologist would only focus on the practical aspects of it, or make a huge deal about how fascinating it would be with a transguy giving birth to his own child and all that fun stuff. I don't want it to be a big deal, I just want a child, that's all.
But I know, I do very well know, that if I do get pregnant it's gonna become a big deal, cause it wouldn't exactly be something I could just hide. Like, also if I do have my own child and walk around with it, well anywhere, and people ask me who the mother is, what would I say? Yeah, I either have to lie or tell the truth. Sure, perfect strangers have no business knowing, but what about friends, classmates, old classmates that became friends? People I like and know but who don't know about my background?
And those that do know about me would definitely make a big out if it. Some would be fascinated and happy for me while others wouldn't understand it at all. I do know all kinds of people. However, I do feel I don't really have anyone to share all these thoughts with, except from anyone who reads this, that is. I did talk about it with my former therapist or whatever her position was, the one I really didn't like and stopped seeing during the summer last year. Yeah, her. And she made a huge deal out of it. So to the point that I regretted having said anything at all about it.
Of course, I could talk to my best friend about it, but it's just that we don't talk that much at all these days. And maybe I'm scared she would think I shouldn't have a child at all because of all my difficulties. But yeah, she wouldn't make a huge deal of it, she wouldn't be grossed out by it or anything such. I'm sure she would also understand it from another perspective too, that she might want a child too one day. I know she's hinted at that. Haha, I've actually wondered who of us might be first to have a child. I would have loved to raise mine in Uppsala, with her by my side, but I'm thinking that's not gonna happen.
I'm not saying I would need her to help me out with whatever, just that it would be lovely to have her by my side. For her to see my child grow up and be a part of their life, however much they would both want that. Same as I'd want to be a part of her possible future child's life in the same way. But you never know, I might still be able to move back to Uppsala one day, but that's probably years from now if I survive this year. And by then I hope I will already have my little family. If only at least just the start of one.
I have so many thoughts about this I can't possibly write them all down, not right now at least, and some are secrets I can't share too, as those thoughts involve other people and their secrets. And I'm careful with not giving you hints of those. Cause a part of me wants to tell you about that too, but I just can't. Oh damn I'm so tired after that meeting with my psychologist, should I drink more coffee and try to stay up or give up and crash on the couch? Oh, these damn decisions...
Monday, 8 February 2016
Uneasy mood
Vodka on my breath. Found some in the cabinet. I don't have much though. It might be enough for two or three glasses. And I'm too tired to drink. This weird mood just fell over me and I don't know what to do. Maybe it was K not liking his face and it just made me feel so terribly sad cause he has the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I'm totally biased though, cause I'm in love with him. But it still tears me apart.
I can't write today Y, I don't know what's up with me, but I'll get back to answering your latest message tomorrow. I have too much on my mind. Too much I'd rather not feel or think about but it's just too damn persistent. I think I might have gotten reported in WoW for literally nothing (can something even happen to me/my account if I did get reported but I've done nothing wrong?), school was difficult again and most of my remaining thoughts go to K.
I'm too tired right now. Too tired to do anything. So I'll go to bed soon. That poem I just posted by the way, was mostly about my current feelings or lack there of about that Valentine's Day issue. Perhaps it was obvious, I don't know. I still keep getting reminded of it, now several times a day. Some years the reminders come quite early, other years it's not until a few days ahead. This year was the latter. But now, I need to wash off my make-up and then go straight to bed.
I can't write today Y, I don't know what's up with me, but I'll get back to answering your latest message tomorrow. I have too much on my mind. Too much I'd rather not feel or think about but it's just too damn persistent. I think I might have gotten reported in WoW for literally nothing (can something even happen to me/my account if I did get reported but I've done nothing wrong?), school was difficult again and most of my remaining thoughts go to K.
I'm too tired right now. Too tired to do anything. So I'll go to bed soon. That poem I just posted by the way, was mostly about my current feelings or lack there of about that Valentine's Day issue. Perhaps it was obvious, I don't know. I still keep getting reminded of it, now several times a day. Some years the reminders come quite early, other years it's not until a few days ahead. This year was the latter. But now, I need to wash off my make-up and then go straight to bed.
Sunday, 7 February 2016
Highs and lows
Too tired to draw now. I finished Legolas and started sketching Aragorn and that's as far as I've gotten. I'm stuck being focused on K and can't think of anything else. In May I will have been in love with him for 3 years. Somehow I can't grasp that concept, that it's almost been 3 years. Loving in misery, that's how I would describe it. It's been more painful than wonderful. More obsessive than sweet, more crude than a crush. I had a crush on him just the first couple of months or so, then it developed into an obsession by the time of fall 2013. So that happened kind of quickly.
And I'll hold to him forever and ever, I'm never letting go. If that means I'll live the rest of my life pining for him, so be it. I'll get used to it. I've already gotten used to it. In fact it's like I've never known anything else by now. Do you think that's sad? I think it is. I really didn't want to fall in love with him, back almost 3 years ago, cause of my previous heartbreaks, I was scared of getting heartbroken again. But I had no choice. I felt like I was forced to fall, pushed and shoved. I don't regret it cause it's not something I can regret. It wasn't my choice, it just happened.
And I guess I'll write more about this and repeat the same words as we get closer to May. If I even live that long, I don't know. I feel this heavy, unnameable feeling right now when I think of this. Like where did those years go when I drowned in my endless obsession? Usually my obsessions are short lived and intense, but this one is forever and extremely intense. It literally owns me. I feel like I'm my feelings' puppet and they're controlling every inch of me. Especially my feelings for K. They're like a god or something, a huge power that I have no grasp of. And I don't know if I ever will be able to grasp them, or gain any sense of control over them.
Most likely not. If that's not their purpose, then I might. This spring is daunting to me, yet exciting, yet I don't care either way. The prophecy is losing its power over me, I believe in it less and less. I believe whatever happens will happen whether I have a stupid prophecy hanging over me or not. I see it more as a warning than an absolute truth now. I just know, think, believe, that something great will happen and I don't know if it's something that I will survive or not. It could be several events too, and my suspicion is that K will somehow be involved in it. If it's actually him things will happen to - good or bad - and it will affect me greatly. But it's just a suspicion, a theory. I don't know anything for sure.
I do have my fears of what it could possibly be, but I can't think about that right now. There's no use in over analysing it anyway. I'm too sad to form words and I don't even know what's saddening me. It's just 8 days until February 14th but I haven't really felt that pain yet. I guess I'm still too numb for that. But my eyes form tears as I google the date so I guess I'm not completely alright either. Just wanted to know which day of the week it was back in 2007. I thought it was a Sunday but couldn't have been more wrong as apparently it was a Wednesday. My memory of that day isn't exactly 100% complete. And maybe I should be grateful for that.
But I wonder how school will be for me next week. Like the whole week. Will I be functioning at all? Or just sit and rock myself in a corner telling people that I'm still coping with a 9 years old trauma that I don't really want to talk about? I don't know, but I always have that nagging feeling that it's considered more okay for women to talk about having been raped, than it is for men. Like too many people still think that men can't be raped, and sure my situation could be considered slightly different as I wasn't openly male when that happened, but still. It's none of my classmates' business anyway.
But if I'm a complete mess and it's way obvious, I guess I'll have to say something. Give them some kind of explanation that isn't a complete lie. And I know a lot of my classmates are victims of sexual assault, so I'm guessing even if I would mention it, they would be, at least some of them, understanding. I don't know. My two favourite classmates might get the honour to know. I don't know. It all depends on the circumstances and my ability to talk at that moment.
Maybe they wouldn't be surprised. They know how the topic of rape causes me to feel extra awful. I still recall that day when our teacher (!) brought up that topic during our coffee time right before all the lessons one morning, and literally half the class left the room, including me. Although I tried to stay at first but then I was like nope, can't deal with this, excused myself and went out for a smoke where rest of the half of the class were already gathered.
I think I'm pretty much as "over it" as I ever can get by now, where it doesn't hurt me much most days of the year unless someone brings up the topic. I can handle it better if I'm drunk though. But I can't and won't drink at school. I'll just have to suffer through it somehow. If I live another year, I'll be "celebrating" a 10 year anniversary. Then it will have been a whole decade. Where did all that time go...?
Yeah, I've finally found a way to play mage in WoW. That took... like 7 years. I'm going arcane and instead of just always first hitting my target with arcane barrage and then spam arcane blast, I'm focusing more on building arcane charges and using arcane missiles. That way mobs die faster and my character lives longer. Or, so far so good at least. Only problem is that the arcane charges time out a tad too quickly and I'm getting mildly stressed when going from mob to mob. But it's also fun to be a little stressed and I speed up with blink and blazing speed between mobs if I need to.
Just got my highest level mage character up to level 27, which I know isn't much but last time I tried playing mage I deleted that character at level 28 without even giving him a chance. This time I've explicitly forbidden any kind of deletion of this particular character cause I'm totally in for learning how to play arcane and I'm not giving up. I mainly chose arcane cause it's funnier and cooler than frost and fire. I mean, frost was just boring me half to death and fire seemed too complicated and also too similar to destruction warlocks in my opinion. I mean, arcane seems like nothing else and I like that.
So... if I can learn how to play mage, then it's only warrior that is the only class I really can't play. Also, having cloth intellect heirlooms really helps me with the mages. I believe it would have been half impossible for me to even survive past level 5 without heirlooms. I don't have any mail or any other armour value heirlooms with strength that I could use for a warrior, so that's one of the reasons I'm not even gonna try with that class at the moment. I'm like... half assed half decent with almost all classes but kinda good with destruction warlocks and balance druids, and suck at warriors. I'm like mediocre at everything, haha. Cause I need the constant variation I can't just go all in with one class and stick with it.
And also, it seems Blizzard keeps changing the classes all the freaking time, or it feels like it cause I've been playing for soon 8 fucking years, and honestly I can't keep up with them. But ah, mages are so fun now, I'm gonna create 10 of them of different races and genders and just arcane all over the place. I have 3 right now, I think. A human female, a blood elf female and then the blood elf male which is my highest level of them.
I counted to that I now have 47 characters altogether, and for some reason Blizzard won't let me create 3 more even though the max limit is 50. It bothers me but as long as I can keep deleting and creating new characters that way, I guess it's no biggie. Wow, this song is so feel-good I'm getting hyper! It's "Hunting high and low" by Stratovarius. Thank you K for the tip, I will play this song on repeat for ages now until I'm so tired of it I can't think straight. Also keep listening to "Wild is the wind" by David Bowie that Y posted somewhere as well. I must have heard that song before as I've heard virtually every song by him but can't remember it from my memory. So it was nice hearing it as if it was new.
I don't have that specific cd that that song is on originally, but then I only seem to have a handful of his cd's. Like I'm sure I had both "Tonight" and the soundtrack to Labyrinth but I can't find either of them anywhere among my belongings. Maybe having moved 5 times for the past 6 years may have something to do with it, me constantly losing things, that is. But right now I'm listening to that song by Stratovarius instead, mainly cause just hearing Bowie's voice makes me cry and I don't know, maybe I need it in small doses or something.
I'm pushing away my worry for K and focusing on mages in WoW instead. Is that awful of me? No wait, I don't really care if you think it is, cause it's something I need to do to not crumble myself. It's enough with one of us crumbling, I mean. I still hold on to the thought that I should be strong for him, if I can and if it's not hurting me in the process. I know darkness all too well, and well, a lot of the things he's going through I can recognise myself in. I've been there too so I know how painful it can be. Yet it's hard to reach out, to say I know cause I've been there or currently am there too, cause you know what? Just because I've been through or am going through the exact same thing, doesn't mean that it IS the exact same thing.
We're two different people with different minds and different hearts, we do not experience the same things the same way. And I've always gotta keep that in mind somehow. This might come off as slightly weird and creepy, but if I stare long enough at pictures of K, it kinda looks like he's breathing. Like the pictures start moving, just very little and sort of in a rhythm. I don't really find it scary or anything, I think it's just some kind of optical illusion because I'm literally staring my eyes out. It might make me a creep though, but who is it hurting?
Now I think I'm reaching the end of this entry and I don't really know what was the point with it. I wrote this just the past few hours or so, so it's not a complete illustration of my whole day, just my evening and beginning of the night. Most of the day has been alright but I don't remember having done much. Some drawing, some WoW, went shopping and that's about it. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'll probably stay up a little bit longer before I crash in bed, but this will be my final words for today.
And I'll hold to him forever and ever, I'm never letting go. If that means I'll live the rest of my life pining for him, so be it. I'll get used to it. I've already gotten used to it. In fact it's like I've never known anything else by now. Do you think that's sad? I think it is. I really didn't want to fall in love with him, back almost 3 years ago, cause of my previous heartbreaks, I was scared of getting heartbroken again. But I had no choice. I felt like I was forced to fall, pushed and shoved. I don't regret it cause it's not something I can regret. It wasn't my choice, it just happened.
And I guess I'll write more about this and repeat the same words as we get closer to May. If I even live that long, I don't know. I feel this heavy, unnameable feeling right now when I think of this. Like where did those years go when I drowned in my endless obsession? Usually my obsessions are short lived and intense, but this one is forever and extremely intense. It literally owns me. I feel like I'm my feelings' puppet and they're controlling every inch of me. Especially my feelings for K. They're like a god or something, a huge power that I have no grasp of. And I don't know if I ever will be able to grasp them, or gain any sense of control over them.
Most likely not. If that's not their purpose, then I might. This spring is daunting to me, yet exciting, yet I don't care either way. The prophecy is losing its power over me, I believe in it less and less. I believe whatever happens will happen whether I have a stupid prophecy hanging over me or not. I see it more as a warning than an absolute truth now. I just know, think, believe, that something great will happen and I don't know if it's something that I will survive or not. It could be several events too, and my suspicion is that K will somehow be involved in it. If it's actually him things will happen to - good or bad - and it will affect me greatly. But it's just a suspicion, a theory. I don't know anything for sure.
I do have my fears of what it could possibly be, but I can't think about that right now. There's no use in over analysing it anyway. I'm too sad to form words and I don't even know what's saddening me. It's just 8 days until February 14th but I haven't really felt that pain yet. I guess I'm still too numb for that. But my eyes form tears as I google the date so I guess I'm not completely alright either. Just wanted to know which day of the week it was back in 2007. I thought it was a Sunday but couldn't have been more wrong as apparently it was a Wednesday. My memory of that day isn't exactly 100% complete. And maybe I should be grateful for that.
But I wonder how school will be for me next week. Like the whole week. Will I be functioning at all? Or just sit and rock myself in a corner telling people that I'm still coping with a 9 years old trauma that I don't really want to talk about? I don't know, but I always have that nagging feeling that it's considered more okay for women to talk about having been raped, than it is for men. Like too many people still think that men can't be raped, and sure my situation could be considered slightly different as I wasn't openly male when that happened, but still. It's none of my classmates' business anyway.
But if I'm a complete mess and it's way obvious, I guess I'll have to say something. Give them some kind of explanation that isn't a complete lie. And I know a lot of my classmates are victims of sexual assault, so I'm guessing even if I would mention it, they would be, at least some of them, understanding. I don't know. My two favourite classmates might get the honour to know. I don't know. It all depends on the circumstances and my ability to talk at that moment.
Maybe they wouldn't be surprised. They know how the topic of rape causes me to feel extra awful. I still recall that day when our teacher (!) brought up that topic during our coffee time right before all the lessons one morning, and literally half the class left the room, including me. Although I tried to stay at first but then I was like nope, can't deal with this, excused myself and went out for a smoke where rest of the half of the class were already gathered.
I think I'm pretty much as "over it" as I ever can get by now, where it doesn't hurt me much most days of the year unless someone brings up the topic. I can handle it better if I'm drunk though. But I can't and won't drink at school. I'll just have to suffer through it somehow. If I live another year, I'll be "celebrating" a 10 year anniversary. Then it will have been a whole decade. Where did all that time go...?
Yeah, I've finally found a way to play mage in WoW. That took... like 7 years. I'm going arcane and instead of just always first hitting my target with arcane barrage and then spam arcane blast, I'm focusing more on building arcane charges and using arcane missiles. That way mobs die faster and my character lives longer. Or, so far so good at least. Only problem is that the arcane charges time out a tad too quickly and I'm getting mildly stressed when going from mob to mob. But it's also fun to be a little stressed and I speed up with blink and blazing speed between mobs if I need to.
Just got my highest level mage character up to level 27, which I know isn't much but last time I tried playing mage I deleted that character at level 28 without even giving him a chance. This time I've explicitly forbidden any kind of deletion of this particular character cause I'm totally in for learning how to play arcane and I'm not giving up. I mainly chose arcane cause it's funnier and cooler than frost and fire. I mean, frost was just boring me half to death and fire seemed too complicated and also too similar to destruction warlocks in my opinion. I mean, arcane seems like nothing else and I like that.
So... if I can learn how to play mage, then it's only warrior that is the only class I really can't play. Also, having cloth intellect heirlooms really helps me with the mages. I believe it would have been half impossible for me to even survive past level 5 without heirlooms. I don't have any mail or any other armour value heirlooms with strength that I could use for a warrior, so that's one of the reasons I'm not even gonna try with that class at the moment. I'm like... half assed half decent with almost all classes but kinda good with destruction warlocks and balance druids, and suck at warriors. I'm like mediocre at everything, haha. Cause I need the constant variation I can't just go all in with one class and stick with it.
And also, it seems Blizzard keeps changing the classes all the freaking time, or it feels like it cause I've been playing for soon 8 fucking years, and honestly I can't keep up with them. But ah, mages are so fun now, I'm gonna create 10 of them of different races and genders and just arcane all over the place. I have 3 right now, I think. A human female, a blood elf female and then the blood elf male which is my highest level of them.
I counted to that I now have 47 characters altogether, and for some reason Blizzard won't let me create 3 more even though the max limit is 50. It bothers me but as long as I can keep deleting and creating new characters that way, I guess it's no biggie. Wow, this song is so feel-good I'm getting hyper! It's "Hunting high and low" by Stratovarius. Thank you K for the tip, I will play this song on repeat for ages now until I'm so tired of it I can't think straight. Also keep listening to "Wild is the wind" by David Bowie that Y posted somewhere as well. I must have heard that song before as I've heard virtually every song by him but can't remember it from my memory. So it was nice hearing it as if it was new.
I don't have that specific cd that that song is on originally, but then I only seem to have a handful of his cd's. Like I'm sure I had both "Tonight" and the soundtrack to Labyrinth but I can't find either of them anywhere among my belongings. Maybe having moved 5 times for the past 6 years may have something to do with it, me constantly losing things, that is. But right now I'm listening to that song by Stratovarius instead, mainly cause just hearing Bowie's voice makes me cry and I don't know, maybe I need it in small doses or something.
I'm pushing away my worry for K and focusing on mages in WoW instead. Is that awful of me? No wait, I don't really care if you think it is, cause it's something I need to do to not crumble myself. It's enough with one of us crumbling, I mean. I still hold on to the thought that I should be strong for him, if I can and if it's not hurting me in the process. I know darkness all too well, and well, a lot of the things he's going through I can recognise myself in. I've been there too so I know how painful it can be. Yet it's hard to reach out, to say I know cause I've been there or currently am there too, cause you know what? Just because I've been through or am going through the exact same thing, doesn't mean that it IS the exact same thing.
We're two different people with different minds and different hearts, we do not experience the same things the same way. And I've always gotta keep that in mind somehow. This might come off as slightly weird and creepy, but if I stare long enough at pictures of K, it kinda looks like he's breathing. Like the pictures start moving, just very little and sort of in a rhythm. I don't really find it scary or anything, I think it's just some kind of optical illusion because I'm literally staring my eyes out. It might make me a creep though, but who is it hurting?
Now I think I'm reaching the end of this entry and I don't really know what was the point with it. I wrote this just the past few hours or so, so it's not a complete illustration of my whole day, just my evening and beginning of the night. Most of the day has been alright but I don't remember having done much. Some drawing, some WoW, went shopping and that's about it. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'll probably stay up a little bit longer before I crash in bed, but this will be my final words for today.
Wednesday, 3 February 2016
Competing with myself
I got a card from school, it's some kind of certificate, at the start of this term and now I see that my teacher has written the wrong personal identity number on it. Sigh, it's gonna follow me forever and ever that old personal identity number of mine that connects me to my previous legal gender. I don't think I'll ever use that certificate though, so I try not to be bothered by it. But I can imagine if I'll ever have to use it, it won't work cause the number on it doesn't match the number on my ID card. I legally became a new person, sort of, so yeah.
It's just so frustrating that that old number is still following me even though it's been over a year since I had it changed. It's like a persistent ghost that keeps haunting and taunting me. And I keep wondering if it will ever stop and just leave me alone. I don't want that shit being dragged up all the freaking time. It's like my past is trying to remind me of the obvious as if I'd ever manage to forget, or something. Like I do know that's something one just doesn't "forget" cause it's a constant reminder every single day.
I wish it wasn't that way. I still wish I had just been born with a male body and I fucking hate being trans. I don't see any pros with it at all, but that's a lie cause I do, it's just that the cons weigh so much more. The only pros I can think of is that I've got slightly more insight in things regarding gender. Like what it's like to be seen in society as both female and male, separately and simultaneously. And also what it's like to be seen as neither. Cause some people just would never accept me as a "real guy" and not as a "real girl" either. I don't know what they saw me as, but probably as some kind of freak of nature or something.
No one's been hostile towards me about my gender. Not even once during my transition. Although some took the opportunity to bully me a bit about it when I was still in elementary school and still trying to figure things out. But that never went that far, luckily. No, the worst kind of response I've gotten as far as I can remember, is people simply not accepting me as a guy. Those that said stuff like "you're always gonna be a girl to me" or "I still see you as a girl" and that shit. But I mostly let that be without trying to change their minds, knowing I wouldn't succeed to.
I mean their opinions might be shitty, but it's their opinions nonetheless and they can have them. What do I care. Then not everyone actually expressed what they thought about my gender/expression/transition and that was fine with me, although I have to admit I was curious to know their thoughts. I never pushed them into telling me though. I never even asked. What I did ask a lot of people who knew me though, was often why I didn't pass as male to them. I wanted to know so that I could change and pass better next time.
Maybe that's sad, I don't know. Like I was trying to conform into something so forcefully, almost as if it was an act. I'm not saying being male was an act, not at all, it's never been, but being masculine most certainly was, most of the time. I wanted to wear lots of make-up, have long hair and androgynous clothes, but if I did, before testosterone, I was not gonna pass and no one would have taken me seriously. So I did wear make-up sometimes but just a little bit of messy eyeliner, I kept my hair long but just long and not in a hairstyle and often in a pony tail, and my choice of clothes was mostly baggy bondage pants combined with t-shirts and hoodies.
So I compromised, picked something between the stereotypically masculine and something more androgynous goth-ish. Mostly it was my body language and my voice that made people think I was female though, before testosterone. And the funny thing is that for a long time after I started with hormones, it was the other way around. Then people thought I was female until they heard my new, deeper voice and they were like "oh, not female then". Maybe cause I ditched most of that masculine clothing style and went more androgynous looking again.
I don't know, but I think, if I really try and mostly I do, I'd say I pass to about 90% now. It's usually young kids and elder people who still think I'm female no matter what I do. Though I guess I pass better when I have some facial hair going on. This time though, as I plan to save that out again, I'm not doing it for the sake of passing better, but simply because I miss it and think it looked nice. Although I think I'll not make it as wide as I had it last time, I think it shouldn't be wider than my mouth. And I wish my hair would get longer so I can have it in a middle parting and save out some sideburns too. That's where my beard is the thickest and darkest and I even get a shadow there when I keep it shaved.
It's still slowly filling in on my cheeks and further up on my chin (like the soul strip part kinda) but still no mustache. I wonder if I'll ever get one. I do want one cause I think it would be nice to have like a 3 days stubble going on but not without a mustache stubble if you know what I'm saying? I just think a stubble looks weird on me cause I have most of my facial hair under my chin. Ahaha, I actually hate shaving the stubble that grows on my chin, that specific area, cause it's sooo thick and coarse it's hard to get it off with a simple razor. So that's like a side-note reason to save it out there again too.
I'll likely dye it dark brown as I did before, once it's grown out a little bit, cause I just think it looks weird/bad on me with those stray blonde hairs in it. I don't think sideburns would look good on me with a sidecut in my hairstyle. So that's my reason for not saving those out as of now, but it has been kind of a dream of mine to have sideburns, ever since I was like 12 years old. It's weird cause I didn't even know I identified as male back then. I just... I was so jealous of a classmate at the time who got facial hair at that early age, or if it was a couple of years later.
I was so envious of the other guys in my class during elementary school. Of their bodies then, certainly not of their (in most cases) shitty personalities. It was mainly other guys who bullied me back then and I didn't connect to any of them in any way. If I connected to people of any gender, it was the girls. I felt I was more similar to them even though I could not see myself as one of them. Obviously I'm not actually all that similar to girls in general, but I don't know, it was a shitty school and honestly I only connected to one other person there which is my best friend.
I can't believe it's almost been 7 years since I came out now, as it was sometime during March 2009. I always keep thinking I should have gotten hormones a hell of a lot earlier than August 2013. Those 4 years was the worst waiting of my entire life, and yeah, doctors really seem to know how to make hell out of your life. It was... painful, to see other trans people that I knew, come out after me and get their hormones and surgeries long before me. I got my hormones years after they had already had their gender legally changed and all I could do was just watch them get more and more comfortable with their bodies and who they were, while I felt like I was rotting internally for something I started to think was never gonna happen.
I think that was one of the main reasons I stopped going to those meetings for trans people back in Uppsala, all those 7 years ago. Eventually, it got too painful watching them get what I never seemed to get. They were on their ways forward in life while I was just... rotting, hating myself more and more until I couldn't stand the mirror anymore. I think, most of all, what that waiting for hormones so kindly gave me, was more self hatred. A self hatred that I'm still fighting to "get over". The doctors' precaution killed a part of my soul, basically, it made everything so much worse.
I still look back and I can't figure out if I hate them or my body the most. What they didn't do to help me when they were literally obliged to help me. I had my stupid diagnosis, I was not too mentally ill, they had zero reasons to not give me hormones, yet they refused. The only thing I truly do hate about Uppsala, and the only really good thing about moving to Gotland, when I switched from Uppsala's trans team to the one in Huddinge in Stockholm. The only thing I don't regret about my decision to move here. If I had stayed... I don't know if they would ever had let me physically transition.
I think my transition was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever gone through, but only when I still lived in Uppsala, that waiting time when absolutely nothing happened. I was dying, fucking dying inside cause my self hatred had reached a point that I had become dangerous to myself. It reached a point where I had decided I would rather die than continue living with how my body was before hormones and surgery. If I ever get the chance, I'd like to personally tell the team in Uppsala what they did to me during those years, that they caused damage that still hasn't healed. And it's now been almost 4 years since I moved from Uppsala and switched teams.
4 years and I'm still wondering where the confident and self-loving John went. I could have reported them, sued them or something, but I'm more of an eye for an eye type of person. I don't believe in the crime and punishment system and it all sounds very complicated to me as well. Legal issues never made much sense to me. I don't even know if I have/had a reasonable cause for suing or reporting them either. I just think what they did, or rather what they didn't do, was wrong and it damaged me significantly. Also they didn't do what they were supposed to do. Everyone I talked to about this during that time (friends and my parents) thought they did wrong as well. They, as much as myself, couldn't understand why the team refused to give me hormones when I was entitled to that.
But as far as I'm aware, it was because of my mental state, that they didn't think I was stable enough. I don't even know why cause I lied about my mental state in every psychiatric situation ever. I might not have been the best liar back then, but I never spoke of my almost constant suicidal thoughts, my self hatred, or why I was such a mess to begin with. I didn't say much at all, just denied I had anything to do with self harm or negative thinking. I was trying to assure them all of how 100% certain I was about wanting to transition. I felt it was basically all I could do.
But looking back, I should have switched teams already when things started to get out of hand, sometime after spring 2010 when I had gotten my diagnosis officially and then nothing more happened. It was during the summer of 2010 that I got testosterone off the black market sort of and started self medicating with it. That was when I had started giving up on that trans team to ever give me hormones legally. I should have looked it up and at least tried to switch teams if at all possible. Cause you're always allowed to get a second opinion. And I should have gotten one.
Yeah I know all of that is old shit by now, but obviously I can't seem to let it go. So much suffering and pain just because my body somehow decided to develop into the female direction before I was born. And I hate nature for what it gave me, but I do believe it would have been easier, at least a little bit, if I had gotten help earlier. I believe this is one huge reason as to why I was a complete mess while living in Uppsala. With all that self hatred and constant insecurity and never getting the help, it's not so strange nothing else worked out in my life.
From one thing to another. It suddenly struck me as a little odd that I haven't either dated anyone or had sex for almost 3 years now. I am so safe from sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies it's almost ridiculous and a little sad. I'm fine though, but I do get a little romantically frustrated at times. And by "a little" I mean so freaking much I think I'll dissolve. I'm still in love with K and I think that's one of the reasons I haven't really been interested in anyone else. I seem to switch between being polyamourous and monogamous, and for the past 3 years I've been more to the latter, but still somewhat "open minded" about it, or what to say.
Like I just know K probably won't ever want to give me a chance, but I still don't want to let him go, but it's like I can be open for something else while still loving K. Of course it would have to be someone who could at least somewhat accept my half obsessive love for K, which I believe wouldn't be so easy to find such a person. And I'd have to be interested back as well, so yeah. I'll probably die single and heartbroken. But I don't always see myself as too lonely to deal with, I mean, I do wish for some romance but it would have to be under certain requirements. Like most likely little to no sex, and that possible future partner must not be suffocating me. But if they would be male, female, both neither, cis, trans I really don't care.
But all in all if anything I'd just aim for finding someone I could love and who could love me back preferably without any obsessions involved and I really don't care much about what gender they would or wouldn't be of. Let's just say I have a tiny preference but it's really not a mandatory one. Personality and chemistry always, always comes first for me. Just that it's a lovely person who could at least tolerate me. And I usually have no problem finding lovely people left to right, but finding someone I could like spark with is indeed difficult for me.
Especially since I'm already in love with most of my heart and soul occupied. Although I do believe there's infinite space for people in there, but yeah. Maybe my love for K is blocking the entrance or something, I don't know. I just miss good company and romance, I suppose. I miss sharing all of me with someone that way. And part of me is still hoping for just one time having a decent relationship with someone. Which doesn't involve abuse of any kind or a whole lot of misunderstanding. It doesn't have to be perfect at all, just plain fucking decent.
A healthy relationship, that's all I ever ask for. It can involve fights, in can involve difficulties of almost any kind, as long as we'd get along in the long run and accept each other for our flaws. I usually have no trouble accepting other people's flaws, it's just that they usually can't accept or even understand mine.
I still think about the future and I try to not only be negative in my thoughts. Things I still wish would happen within a reasonable time from now and things I wish would just happen at all. Some things can take literally forever and I don't mind, while other things I'm calmly impatient about. Like not showing my impatience outwards, but it's still there. I still wonder what dating could be like post transition. I've never had anyone touch my flat chest, and that somehow makes me... I don't know, feel stuff. I wouldn't let just anyone that close to me either though. But it's something that's been on my mind from time to time, that I've never been with anyone since before the surgery.
And I guess it's something I'd kinda want to explore, in lack of better words. It's a thought that excites me and makes me a little sad too. Like I know I didn't have the surgery for anyone else but myself, but still, it's something I would like to share too, in a way. Well, it's only been two years (in a month) so I guess I shouldn't worry or anything. And I don't, it's just that the thought is there nonetheless. And I wonder about other aspects too, regarding dating someone post my transition. Like being seen as male in a relationship for example. I thought I was back when I was with my latest ex, or how to put it.
Back in 2011, the non-abusive relationship but I don't think I was in love with him. However, I though he saw me as male or I just wanted to believe that he did, but there were a lot of indications as to him not seeing me as male. I had been on hormones for about a year (self-medicated) but still looked very feminine and well, all of my female parts were still intact. Ew, but however that was the way it was back then. And I could tell, that even though he never really said it, that he wanted me to keep those parts. I had no interest what so ever in keeping anything the way it was and I still don't by the way, but I couldn't even tell him that.
On the other hand he told me several times that "when he got rich" he would pay for all of my hormones and surgeries if the doctors still wouldn't give me that, since all that stuff is basically free here in Sweden if you have the diagnosis and stuff like that. I don't have the words to explain it in a good and or understandable way, but it's free cause the state or something pays for it with our tax money, like any other health care. However, my ex at the time literally offered to pay for all of that should the doctors not help me, but he was undeniably broke and we both tried to scrape by on my allowance and my parents' money as he was trying his best looking for a job.
He did, at least on some level, see it as we were a gay couple, or at least anywhere outside in the world. I think he mainly had all good intentions but that he was struggling a bit with accepting the whole thing about me being male but still looking like a female. So I don't see it as that I did experience what it was like to be seen as male in that relationship, because there were just too many indications that I wasn't. And I don't want to go into too much details, but yeah, I had some real struggles with our sex life and I did not feel accepted at those times. I felt as if he wanted me to be what I was not because of how my body looked. It disgusted me and eventually, I could simply not deal with it at all.
I know, I know, I should have talked to him about it, but I never really did. I tried a few times, but very subtly and carefully. He didn't take the hints and I was just frustrated and lacked words to describe what it made me feel like without hurting him. It was just something that I felt was hanging over us like a dark cloud and that it ruined things. I both blamed him for not listening to me when I had tried to talk to him and I also blamed myself for not daring to speak up. I don't feel as though it damaged me on a significant level or anything though, it was just hard to deal with back then and I still think about it, but it's not like it traumatised me or anything like that.
I know he had good intentions and never wanted to hurt me, it's just that the whole relationship was built on misunderstandings and bad communication and that just never ends well. Although, that relationship did end well. We're still in contact and we don't think bad about each other or about that the relationship ended. I don't really regret anything, or well, I don't regret entering the relationship or ending it. I might regret some of what happened in between, like that about me not speaking up about what really didn't work out between us, for example.
And I don't know, but I think it's still sad that that was the best relationship I ever had so far. It felt so empty, so shallow and half the things never worked out, it was like none of us really gave it a chance, and it was the best I ever had. So yeah... I do feel as though I'm missing out on something. I'm just not done with romantic relationships, even though it might seem that way cause I've been single for so long. Like, those I tell about that I've been single for 4 years now, they all seem to think I've given up or something, but it's not true. I just haven't found anyone to be with during all that time.
It's been harder for me to connect with new people lately and well, I still don't know anyone on this island except from my family, and I'm not gonna date them, ew no. But I've been slightly starting to connect with new people, meaning my classmates and teachers. Now I don't particularly see any of them as dating material or how to put it (cause that sounded gross but I can't think of a better way of phrasing it) mostly cause 1. I'm not attracted to them in any single way other than to have them as friends, and 2. most of them are already married or dating someone else. But maybe I'd be more likely to connect to other people too now, I don't know.
So I just rested on the couch (fell asleep there eventually) and thought about all the plastic surgery I'd like to do if I had the money/got offered to have it done. And how unfair I find it that trans girls get so much such offered to them in their transition but trans guys do not. Like, where is my facial masculinisation surgery option? Not here! And all that extra fat on and around my hip area that does not belong there, why wasn't I offered to have that removed as a part of my transition? As if I could ever afford that myself, now or in any kind of future.
I wouldn't want to do anything terribly invasive about my face, I guess. But I do hate my weak chin and lack of jawline. Sure I would like some kind of eye lift too but I just wouldn't trust anyone, even a skilled surgeon, to get that close to my eyes with a scalpel. And I do think my nose is too big but I like its shape and I don't even know if it would be possible to keep its shape just make it like, closer to my face or something, and also I think it would look better as it is if I just had a stronger jaw and bigger chin.
So well, I wouldn't be unrecognisable if I could get any surgery I wanted, just slightly different, I guess. And of course, from my perspective, slightly better. And I've been so mad at how I could not get any surgeries except from top- and bottom surgery. Like maybe I'm demanding/asking for too much but it's my body and my genes completely suck. I don't think my hormones did a very good job in changing my appearance and yeah, it still pisses me off.
But yeah, I'm trying to stop wishing for impossible things to happen cause worst case scenario, they make me cry and hate myself even more cause I'm so damn concentrated on what I consider to be my flaws.
Ended up on youtube watching make-up videos again. I can assure you, that if you're ever looking for foundation tips, contouring and such, there is an ocean of tips there. I mostly look at videos of very light skinned people with acne doing tutorials on how to cover it. Simply because I might be interested in the products and if the person in the video has much darker skin than me, chances are their products don't even come in my shade. Most products don't.
Oh my god, this coffee is revolting. However, I do mostly put on make-up just to hide my acne, but I also do a fair bit of shaping with contouring and highlighting, getting us back to the topic of my not masculine enough face. I do contour my cheek bones in what's considered a more masculine way, like in a downward curved bow instead of straight (diagonally) or an upward curved bow which is considered more feminine, apparently, according to make-up artists. Then I also bring out my jawline quite a bit with pretty harsh contouring and highlighting. And then also I highlight my chin to make it pop and seem like it stands out a little bit further.
I do also contour my forehead and nose but that's just cause I think it looks better for no apparent reason. I don't think my forehead is too big and I'm not really trying to make my nose look smaller. Maybe I'm just giving it a bit more dimension, I don't know. Oh, and I do highlight my cheek bones too but I just don't think it makes them pop or anything really. Don't know what I'm doing wrong there. Maybe it's because I literally don't have prominent cheek bones at all and it's hard to create something that just isn't even there to begin with. My face is so flat like why...
I wish I could do my make-up a lot better than how I do it right now. I still think my pores look huge, it looks cakey and far from natural in daylight. It looks much better in photos, trust me. I can't show a picture of how it actually looks in real life, and I would want to. Cause it just feels... I don't know, but sort of fake to show my make-up and it doesn't even look half as good in reality. Reality sucks and I wish to escape it, alright? But instead I have to put up with its crap.
It's like, really not that much about how I look that I feel okay with. I do basically everything I can to look a certain way because I hate my entire body. I alter my clothes to fit a certain way to make my hips look smaller and my upper body look bigger, to hide my fat stomach and give me a more straight and slim silhouette. I put on a crap load of make-up cause I hate my acne and facial features or lack there of. And I guess my hair is the only thing that becomes more of a creative outlet than something to alter my over all looks.
I realise I put in sooo much time and effort in all of this, from what colour pants I wear to how I contour my face and literally everything is so extremely and carefully planned out just to make me look a little bit better. I don't think I would pass half as good if I didn't put so much effort into it. I know it's worth it, but damn. It can take literally weeks for me to just think of and make a new outfit that I haven't worn before, also hence why I hate shopping for new clothes. Because everything has to work in this insane harmony to make me look that certain way.
It's just so frustrating that that old number is still following me even though it's been over a year since I had it changed. It's like a persistent ghost that keeps haunting and taunting me. And I keep wondering if it will ever stop and just leave me alone. I don't want that shit being dragged up all the freaking time. It's like my past is trying to remind me of the obvious as if I'd ever manage to forget, or something. Like I do know that's something one just doesn't "forget" cause it's a constant reminder every single day.
I wish it wasn't that way. I still wish I had just been born with a male body and I fucking hate being trans. I don't see any pros with it at all, but that's a lie cause I do, it's just that the cons weigh so much more. The only pros I can think of is that I've got slightly more insight in things regarding gender. Like what it's like to be seen in society as both female and male, separately and simultaneously. And also what it's like to be seen as neither. Cause some people just would never accept me as a "real guy" and not as a "real girl" either. I don't know what they saw me as, but probably as some kind of freak of nature or something.
No one's been hostile towards me about my gender. Not even once during my transition. Although some took the opportunity to bully me a bit about it when I was still in elementary school and still trying to figure things out. But that never went that far, luckily. No, the worst kind of response I've gotten as far as I can remember, is people simply not accepting me as a guy. Those that said stuff like "you're always gonna be a girl to me" or "I still see you as a girl" and that shit. But I mostly let that be without trying to change their minds, knowing I wouldn't succeed to.
I mean their opinions might be shitty, but it's their opinions nonetheless and they can have them. What do I care. Then not everyone actually expressed what they thought about my gender/expression/transition and that was fine with me, although I have to admit I was curious to know their thoughts. I never pushed them into telling me though. I never even asked. What I did ask a lot of people who knew me though, was often why I didn't pass as male to them. I wanted to know so that I could change and pass better next time.
Maybe that's sad, I don't know. Like I was trying to conform into something so forcefully, almost as if it was an act. I'm not saying being male was an act, not at all, it's never been, but being masculine most certainly was, most of the time. I wanted to wear lots of make-up, have long hair and androgynous clothes, but if I did, before testosterone, I was not gonna pass and no one would have taken me seriously. So I did wear make-up sometimes but just a little bit of messy eyeliner, I kept my hair long but just long and not in a hairstyle and often in a pony tail, and my choice of clothes was mostly baggy bondage pants combined with t-shirts and hoodies.
So I compromised, picked something between the stereotypically masculine and something more androgynous goth-ish. Mostly it was my body language and my voice that made people think I was female though, before testosterone. And the funny thing is that for a long time after I started with hormones, it was the other way around. Then people thought I was female until they heard my new, deeper voice and they were like "oh, not female then". Maybe cause I ditched most of that masculine clothing style and went more androgynous looking again.
I don't know, but I think, if I really try and mostly I do, I'd say I pass to about 90% now. It's usually young kids and elder people who still think I'm female no matter what I do. Though I guess I pass better when I have some facial hair going on. This time though, as I plan to save that out again, I'm not doing it for the sake of passing better, but simply because I miss it and think it looked nice. Although I think I'll not make it as wide as I had it last time, I think it shouldn't be wider than my mouth. And I wish my hair would get longer so I can have it in a middle parting and save out some sideburns too. That's where my beard is the thickest and darkest and I even get a shadow there when I keep it shaved.
It's still slowly filling in on my cheeks and further up on my chin (like the soul strip part kinda) but still no mustache. I wonder if I'll ever get one. I do want one cause I think it would be nice to have like a 3 days stubble going on but not without a mustache stubble if you know what I'm saying? I just think a stubble looks weird on me cause I have most of my facial hair under my chin. Ahaha, I actually hate shaving the stubble that grows on my chin, that specific area, cause it's sooo thick and coarse it's hard to get it off with a simple razor. So that's like a side-note reason to save it out there again too.
I'll likely dye it dark brown as I did before, once it's grown out a little bit, cause I just think it looks weird/bad on me with those stray blonde hairs in it. I don't think sideburns would look good on me with a sidecut in my hairstyle. So that's my reason for not saving those out as of now, but it has been kind of a dream of mine to have sideburns, ever since I was like 12 years old. It's weird cause I didn't even know I identified as male back then. I just... I was so jealous of a classmate at the time who got facial hair at that early age, or if it was a couple of years later.
I was so envious of the other guys in my class during elementary school. Of their bodies then, certainly not of their (in most cases) shitty personalities. It was mainly other guys who bullied me back then and I didn't connect to any of them in any way. If I connected to people of any gender, it was the girls. I felt I was more similar to them even though I could not see myself as one of them. Obviously I'm not actually all that similar to girls in general, but I don't know, it was a shitty school and honestly I only connected to one other person there which is my best friend.
I can't believe it's almost been 7 years since I came out now, as it was sometime during March 2009. I always keep thinking I should have gotten hormones a hell of a lot earlier than August 2013. Those 4 years was the worst waiting of my entire life, and yeah, doctors really seem to know how to make hell out of your life. It was... painful, to see other trans people that I knew, come out after me and get their hormones and surgeries long before me. I got my hormones years after they had already had their gender legally changed and all I could do was just watch them get more and more comfortable with their bodies and who they were, while I felt like I was rotting internally for something I started to think was never gonna happen.
I think that was one of the main reasons I stopped going to those meetings for trans people back in Uppsala, all those 7 years ago. Eventually, it got too painful watching them get what I never seemed to get. They were on their ways forward in life while I was just... rotting, hating myself more and more until I couldn't stand the mirror anymore. I think, most of all, what that waiting for hormones so kindly gave me, was more self hatred. A self hatred that I'm still fighting to "get over". The doctors' precaution killed a part of my soul, basically, it made everything so much worse.
I still look back and I can't figure out if I hate them or my body the most. What they didn't do to help me when they were literally obliged to help me. I had my stupid diagnosis, I was not too mentally ill, they had zero reasons to not give me hormones, yet they refused. The only thing I truly do hate about Uppsala, and the only really good thing about moving to Gotland, when I switched from Uppsala's trans team to the one in Huddinge in Stockholm. The only thing I don't regret about my decision to move here. If I had stayed... I don't know if they would ever had let me physically transition.
I think my transition was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever gone through, but only when I still lived in Uppsala, that waiting time when absolutely nothing happened. I was dying, fucking dying inside cause my self hatred had reached a point that I had become dangerous to myself. It reached a point where I had decided I would rather die than continue living with how my body was before hormones and surgery. If I ever get the chance, I'd like to personally tell the team in Uppsala what they did to me during those years, that they caused damage that still hasn't healed. And it's now been almost 4 years since I moved from Uppsala and switched teams.
4 years and I'm still wondering where the confident and self-loving John went. I could have reported them, sued them or something, but I'm more of an eye for an eye type of person. I don't believe in the crime and punishment system and it all sounds very complicated to me as well. Legal issues never made much sense to me. I don't even know if I have/had a reasonable cause for suing or reporting them either. I just think what they did, or rather what they didn't do, was wrong and it damaged me significantly. Also they didn't do what they were supposed to do. Everyone I talked to about this during that time (friends and my parents) thought they did wrong as well. They, as much as myself, couldn't understand why the team refused to give me hormones when I was entitled to that.
But as far as I'm aware, it was because of my mental state, that they didn't think I was stable enough. I don't even know why cause I lied about my mental state in every psychiatric situation ever. I might not have been the best liar back then, but I never spoke of my almost constant suicidal thoughts, my self hatred, or why I was such a mess to begin with. I didn't say much at all, just denied I had anything to do with self harm or negative thinking. I was trying to assure them all of how 100% certain I was about wanting to transition. I felt it was basically all I could do.
But looking back, I should have switched teams already when things started to get out of hand, sometime after spring 2010 when I had gotten my diagnosis officially and then nothing more happened. It was during the summer of 2010 that I got testosterone off the black market sort of and started self medicating with it. That was when I had started giving up on that trans team to ever give me hormones legally. I should have looked it up and at least tried to switch teams if at all possible. Cause you're always allowed to get a second opinion. And I should have gotten one.
Yeah I know all of that is old shit by now, but obviously I can't seem to let it go. So much suffering and pain just because my body somehow decided to develop into the female direction before I was born. And I hate nature for what it gave me, but I do believe it would have been easier, at least a little bit, if I had gotten help earlier. I believe this is one huge reason as to why I was a complete mess while living in Uppsala. With all that self hatred and constant insecurity and never getting the help, it's not so strange nothing else worked out in my life.
From one thing to another. It suddenly struck me as a little odd that I haven't either dated anyone or had sex for almost 3 years now. I am so safe from sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies it's almost ridiculous and a little sad. I'm fine though, but I do get a little romantically frustrated at times. And by "a little" I mean so freaking much I think I'll dissolve. I'm still in love with K and I think that's one of the reasons I haven't really been interested in anyone else. I seem to switch between being polyamourous and monogamous, and for the past 3 years I've been more to the latter, but still somewhat "open minded" about it, or what to say.
Like I just know K probably won't ever want to give me a chance, but I still don't want to let him go, but it's like I can be open for something else while still loving K. Of course it would have to be someone who could at least somewhat accept my half obsessive love for K, which I believe wouldn't be so easy to find such a person. And I'd have to be interested back as well, so yeah. I'll probably die single and heartbroken. But I don't always see myself as too lonely to deal with, I mean, I do wish for some romance but it would have to be under certain requirements. Like most likely little to no sex, and that possible future partner must not be suffocating me. But if they would be male, female, both neither, cis, trans I really don't care.
But all in all if anything I'd just aim for finding someone I could love and who could love me back preferably without any obsessions involved and I really don't care much about what gender they would or wouldn't be of. Let's just say I have a tiny preference but it's really not a mandatory one. Personality and chemistry always, always comes first for me. Just that it's a lovely person who could at least tolerate me. And I usually have no problem finding lovely people left to right, but finding someone I could like spark with is indeed difficult for me.
Especially since I'm already in love with most of my heart and soul occupied. Although I do believe there's infinite space for people in there, but yeah. Maybe my love for K is blocking the entrance or something, I don't know. I just miss good company and romance, I suppose. I miss sharing all of me with someone that way. And part of me is still hoping for just one time having a decent relationship with someone. Which doesn't involve abuse of any kind or a whole lot of misunderstanding. It doesn't have to be perfect at all, just plain fucking decent.
A healthy relationship, that's all I ever ask for. It can involve fights, in can involve difficulties of almost any kind, as long as we'd get along in the long run and accept each other for our flaws. I usually have no trouble accepting other people's flaws, it's just that they usually can't accept or even understand mine.
I still think about the future and I try to not only be negative in my thoughts. Things I still wish would happen within a reasonable time from now and things I wish would just happen at all. Some things can take literally forever and I don't mind, while other things I'm calmly impatient about. Like not showing my impatience outwards, but it's still there. I still wonder what dating could be like post transition. I've never had anyone touch my flat chest, and that somehow makes me... I don't know, feel stuff. I wouldn't let just anyone that close to me either though. But it's something that's been on my mind from time to time, that I've never been with anyone since before the surgery.
And I guess it's something I'd kinda want to explore, in lack of better words. It's a thought that excites me and makes me a little sad too. Like I know I didn't have the surgery for anyone else but myself, but still, it's something I would like to share too, in a way. Well, it's only been two years (in a month) so I guess I shouldn't worry or anything. And I don't, it's just that the thought is there nonetheless. And I wonder about other aspects too, regarding dating someone post my transition. Like being seen as male in a relationship for example. I thought I was back when I was with my latest ex, or how to put it.
Back in 2011, the non-abusive relationship but I don't think I was in love with him. However, I though he saw me as male or I just wanted to believe that he did, but there were a lot of indications as to him not seeing me as male. I had been on hormones for about a year (self-medicated) but still looked very feminine and well, all of my female parts were still intact. Ew, but however that was the way it was back then. And I could tell, that even though he never really said it, that he wanted me to keep those parts. I had no interest what so ever in keeping anything the way it was and I still don't by the way, but I couldn't even tell him that.
On the other hand he told me several times that "when he got rich" he would pay for all of my hormones and surgeries if the doctors still wouldn't give me that, since all that stuff is basically free here in Sweden if you have the diagnosis and stuff like that. I don't have the words to explain it in a good and or understandable way, but it's free cause the state or something pays for it with our tax money, like any other health care. However, my ex at the time literally offered to pay for all of that should the doctors not help me, but he was undeniably broke and we both tried to scrape by on my allowance and my parents' money as he was trying his best looking for a job.
He did, at least on some level, see it as we were a gay couple, or at least anywhere outside in the world. I think he mainly had all good intentions but that he was struggling a bit with accepting the whole thing about me being male but still looking like a female. So I don't see it as that I did experience what it was like to be seen as male in that relationship, because there were just too many indications that I wasn't. And I don't want to go into too much details, but yeah, I had some real struggles with our sex life and I did not feel accepted at those times. I felt as if he wanted me to be what I was not because of how my body looked. It disgusted me and eventually, I could simply not deal with it at all.
I know, I know, I should have talked to him about it, but I never really did. I tried a few times, but very subtly and carefully. He didn't take the hints and I was just frustrated and lacked words to describe what it made me feel like without hurting him. It was just something that I felt was hanging over us like a dark cloud and that it ruined things. I both blamed him for not listening to me when I had tried to talk to him and I also blamed myself for not daring to speak up. I don't feel as though it damaged me on a significant level or anything though, it was just hard to deal with back then and I still think about it, but it's not like it traumatised me or anything like that.
I know he had good intentions and never wanted to hurt me, it's just that the whole relationship was built on misunderstandings and bad communication and that just never ends well. Although, that relationship did end well. We're still in contact and we don't think bad about each other or about that the relationship ended. I don't really regret anything, or well, I don't regret entering the relationship or ending it. I might regret some of what happened in between, like that about me not speaking up about what really didn't work out between us, for example.
And I don't know, but I think it's still sad that that was the best relationship I ever had so far. It felt so empty, so shallow and half the things never worked out, it was like none of us really gave it a chance, and it was the best I ever had. So yeah... I do feel as though I'm missing out on something. I'm just not done with romantic relationships, even though it might seem that way cause I've been single for so long. Like, those I tell about that I've been single for 4 years now, they all seem to think I've given up or something, but it's not true. I just haven't found anyone to be with during all that time.
It's been harder for me to connect with new people lately and well, I still don't know anyone on this island except from my family, and I'm not gonna date them, ew no. But I've been slightly starting to connect with new people, meaning my classmates and teachers. Now I don't particularly see any of them as dating material or how to put it (cause that sounded gross but I can't think of a better way of phrasing it) mostly cause 1. I'm not attracted to them in any single way other than to have them as friends, and 2. most of them are already married or dating someone else. But maybe I'd be more likely to connect to other people too now, I don't know.
So I just rested on the couch (fell asleep there eventually) and thought about all the plastic surgery I'd like to do if I had the money/got offered to have it done. And how unfair I find it that trans girls get so much such offered to them in their transition but trans guys do not. Like, where is my facial masculinisation surgery option? Not here! And all that extra fat on and around my hip area that does not belong there, why wasn't I offered to have that removed as a part of my transition? As if I could ever afford that myself, now or in any kind of future.
I wouldn't want to do anything terribly invasive about my face, I guess. But I do hate my weak chin and lack of jawline. Sure I would like some kind of eye lift too but I just wouldn't trust anyone, even a skilled surgeon, to get that close to my eyes with a scalpel. And I do think my nose is too big but I like its shape and I don't even know if it would be possible to keep its shape just make it like, closer to my face or something, and also I think it would look better as it is if I just had a stronger jaw and bigger chin.
So well, I wouldn't be unrecognisable if I could get any surgery I wanted, just slightly different, I guess. And of course, from my perspective, slightly better. And I've been so mad at how I could not get any surgeries except from top- and bottom surgery. Like maybe I'm demanding/asking for too much but it's my body and my genes completely suck. I don't think my hormones did a very good job in changing my appearance and yeah, it still pisses me off.
But yeah, I'm trying to stop wishing for impossible things to happen cause worst case scenario, they make me cry and hate myself even more cause I'm so damn concentrated on what I consider to be my flaws.
Ended up on youtube watching make-up videos again. I can assure you, that if you're ever looking for foundation tips, contouring and such, there is an ocean of tips there. I mostly look at videos of very light skinned people with acne doing tutorials on how to cover it. Simply because I might be interested in the products and if the person in the video has much darker skin than me, chances are their products don't even come in my shade. Most products don't.
Oh my god, this coffee is revolting. However, I do mostly put on make-up just to hide my acne, but I also do a fair bit of shaping with contouring and highlighting, getting us back to the topic of my not masculine enough face. I do contour my cheek bones in what's considered a more masculine way, like in a downward curved bow instead of straight (diagonally) or an upward curved bow which is considered more feminine, apparently, according to make-up artists. Then I also bring out my jawline quite a bit with pretty harsh contouring and highlighting. And then also I highlight my chin to make it pop and seem like it stands out a little bit further.
I do also contour my forehead and nose but that's just cause I think it looks better for no apparent reason. I don't think my forehead is too big and I'm not really trying to make my nose look smaller. Maybe I'm just giving it a bit more dimension, I don't know. Oh, and I do highlight my cheek bones too but I just don't think it makes them pop or anything really. Don't know what I'm doing wrong there. Maybe it's because I literally don't have prominent cheek bones at all and it's hard to create something that just isn't even there to begin with. My face is so flat like why...
I wish I could do my make-up a lot better than how I do it right now. I still think my pores look huge, it looks cakey and far from natural in daylight. It looks much better in photos, trust me. I can't show a picture of how it actually looks in real life, and I would want to. Cause it just feels... I don't know, but sort of fake to show my make-up and it doesn't even look half as good in reality. Reality sucks and I wish to escape it, alright? But instead I have to put up with its crap.
It's like, really not that much about how I look that I feel okay with. I do basically everything I can to look a certain way because I hate my entire body. I alter my clothes to fit a certain way to make my hips look smaller and my upper body look bigger, to hide my fat stomach and give me a more straight and slim silhouette. I put on a crap load of make-up cause I hate my acne and facial features or lack there of. And I guess my hair is the only thing that becomes more of a creative outlet than something to alter my over all looks.
I realise I put in sooo much time and effort in all of this, from what colour pants I wear to how I contour my face and literally everything is so extremely and carefully planned out just to make me look a little bit better. I don't think I would pass half as good if I didn't put so much effort into it. I know it's worth it, but damn. It can take literally weeks for me to just think of and make a new outfit that I haven't worn before, also hence why I hate shopping for new clothes. Because everything has to work in this insane harmony to make me look that certain way.
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