Running wild

For how long can I do this, how long? I still "need" to lose more weight and it's been a year now and I still haven't reached my goal weight. So how much longer will I have to do this for? I miss pizza, chocolate and cookies, milk shake and ice cream.

And I hate walking and any kind of exercise and you know I only do it for that one reason. Not to be healthy cause anyone who knows me knows that health doesn't concern me. As long as I stay away from heavy drugs and alcoholism I really don't care what I do with my body or what happens to it. It's gonna wither away sooner or later anyway. Nothing lasts forever, certainly not our bodies.

Cause we're all gonna die from something, it's just a matter of what comes first. And I don't care if I die from some or all of my bad habits including being lazy as fuck. Sure it's good to stay in shape if that rocks your boat, but it just doesn't rock mine, you know what I mean? I'm only trying to be somewhat healthy to lose weight, that's all it's about. Eating vegetables and taking walks isn't exactly my cup of tea, but I do it anyway. Cause what else am I gonna do?

Frankly I'm getting tired of it by now. It's become a boring routine and I yearn to break out from it. But I just want to reach my goal this summer so that I won't ever have to think about it again. All I want to think about is to stay that way after. And that's the easy part, if you ask me. Yes I'm angry, I seriously didn't think it would take this long and I'm losing my patience. I've become lazier lately, skipped my walk for almost a week and ate some sweets around Midsummer's. Careful not to gain weight, but not so careful that I would lose any.

I don't know what to do, cause I don't think I can do this much longer. Five more kilos and then I'm done. Just five kilos, how hard can it be? I wish I could have one of those weeks again, when I just rapidly lose weight for no reason. These long periods of nothing happening are driving me crazy. If only I knew what to do. Thinking of going radical and run instead of walking. Running and starving intensively for just a week or two, see what happens. Desperate, so fucking desperate.

Like a reptile

So, it's obviously summer again but not warm enough for me to go swimming. I tend to be a bit too cold even in the summer, always wearing an extra layer of clothes. Some people think that I'm insecure and want to hide under my long sleeve shirts and full length pants, but it's not true. I'm not hiding, I don't care if people see my scars or comment on how very pale I am or whatever. I'm just too damn cold and when summer comes I can finally take off my extra thick sweaters and wear a thinner sweater instead.

I think I'm a reptile or something. Seriously, it needs to be so damn hot that normal human beings complain about heat stroke for me to walk around in just a t-shirt and shorts outdoors. This year I'm actually complaining about that fact. I want the heat stroke warning hot summer and I don't care if everyone dies like flies around me, I want hot weather!

Okay, enough complaining for now. So what's been up with me this past week? I seriously don't know, I just haven't had anything to write down, not even in my personal notebook. I've had thoughts, but just haven't been writing them down. Or anything for that matter. I miss K as usual, but it comes and goes as usual. Talked to him on the phone once, and damn it was nice hearing his voice! I'd like to talk to him again, but I'm not sure how to bring that up. Like hey, I miss your voice, can I call you? Nah, I don't know.

Celebrated Midsummer's with my family and ate too much for a few days but then I ate nothing (only had coffee, which by the way lessens my hunger a lot) for two days, so I made up for it. And I don't even want to eat sweets anymore, though this pizza craving that I've had for weeks now just won't go away. "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to give in for it" rings in my ear from the movie Dorian Gray that I tried to watch again a few days ago.

Anyways, just a "quick" update since I haven't been writing here for a little while again. I don't promise anything about future posts though. I take things as they come, even my writing, even anything.

Thoughts of tonight

21:32
Ugh, a lot of shit I have to take care of today. Clean the dishes, take out the trash, pack for visiting my family tomorrow and spending Midsummer's with them. I just don't want to leave this place in a mess before I go. I also don't quite know what to pack. What clothes to bring. I don't know if we'll have guests over and I don't want to be under dressed if so. I'll get right on to that in a moment, no rush really.

22:43
I still feel weird, like I'm actually somewhere else or like just deeper inside myself in some way. Though I'm not completely forgotten and unwanted and I know that, which is super sweet. I still miss K of course, and it feels like he's so far away. Which he is, and that might have something to do with me feeling that way.

00:25
There, finally finished with doing my hair. It took one and a half hour to bleach it the second round (first was yesterday) and then dye it with white toner, rinse and treat with conditioner. Now it's all white and nice for Midsummer's. Still haven't figured out exactly how long to leave the white toner in my hair. Had it in for 15 minutes this time and it got a little purple so I had to schampo it which took care of the problem. So maybe just 10 minutes next time. Damaged hair really tends to act like a sponge when it comes to hair dye.

I'm still pondering about what I'm gonna do with my hair by autumn/winter when it's grown out a bit. Shorter on one or both sides and add an extreme colour but can't figure out if I want blue or green with the white. Yes, I still want most of it to be white. Blue would look nice to keep this "frosty" look, but green would be nice cause I've never had green hair before and I kinda want to try it sometime. Maybe I could start with blue and later do it green instead if I want to, cause I think it would look better with blue.

I still want to have my hair rather short, I kinda like that now. I'll go with the long elvish hair later in my life. Though, with the first hairstyle I have in mind, I'll probably look even younger than I already do. That is a problem, haha.

Even in dreams

I dreamed about you, all night and all day. I slept for 16 hours because I couldn't stop dreaming about you. That's never happened before, I dreamed up a whole life with you in 16 hours while I was asleep. And I didn't want to wake up from it. Of course it was unrealistic, but we had moments that were fun, romantic, serious, we got children, we fought, we bought a house and sometime around there I woke up.

I can't recall everything from the dream, just glimpses and pieces. It must have been the longest dream I've ever had, even though I must have had some pauses of deep sleep here and there, but it always came back to continue the same dream. Isn't that odd? As if it could last forever.

Sleeping too much kinda fucked me up though. I'm shaking, it's hard to write and my head hurts. Can't really focus that well. I lose track of what I'm doing all the time. I'm trying to drink coffee and smoke my way back to the real world, but I can't stop thinking about the dream. The little toys in the work shop, the cupcakes that we made, when you stood up for me against some bullies, when I got jealous cause I thought you were cheating on me, when our child rode on your shoulders, the little trailer we lived in for a while, and so on.

And I'm getting drunk on Southern Comfort, though its sweetness is clinging to my throat in an uncomfortable way, it is a comfort. It's like I'm getting worse again and I can't stop it. Do I put like a lot of pressure on K, even though I'm not telling him that I crave him so much? Cause all of this, it's because I miss him, and I know that he's the only one that can save me. And despite what the old saying is, that no one can save you but yourself, it's not true, cause he really does save me.

And I do, hopelessly, believe that being with him, really being with him, would totally save me. Is that naive of me? I suppose it is, that my belief in real fairy tales is a bit wacky. And maybe that will someday ruin me. But I believe in him, I believe he is my soul mate, that we are connected on a deep level. And I think that's why I think he will save me, if he will ever be able to love me, that is.

Do you even think it's possible for me to make him fall in love with me? "Make" as in steer him in the right direction, let him see that I'm not just a mess and a failure, see the good sides of me as well, enough to let him know that I can be a good friend? Even loveable? That I charm him honesty and openness, I let him in, and even though I haven't told him absolutely everything, I let him know that I keep no secrets from him. If he asks me something, anything, I will truthfully answer. And I have so far.

Cause I doubt sometimes, thinking I'm just wasting his time and that all the effort I put in is just all for nothing. But also thinking that I will actually be surprised if he someday tells me I got it all wrong, that he's not even remotely interested and will never be. I'm scared of it, I fear it like nothing else. I'm so fucking scared that I don't think I'll be able to tell him my true intentions.

But also, I slowly get the sensation that I won't have to tell him. That things will happen when I see him in person and all my dreams will come true in a moment when we're alone together. A part of me actually believes that now, that it's possible. That it's not just wishful thinking, it can actually happen. Oh god, my dreams are killing me.

I've "known" him for over 4 years now, yet it's all so new to me. Like we didn't actually know each other until rather recently. So is he really an old or a new friend? I don't know, but I've certainly known who he is for a while now. I'm so obsessed this is actually harmful to me now. But what do I do about it? Obsess a little more...

Distortion

That when coldness doesn't bother me, I know since before that's not a good sign. I miss him, and I think that's why I've been acting strange today. Cause I have. Lots of anger outbursts, moments of joy and sadness, restlessness, tiredness and now this. Should probably just fix some tea or something. But I don't care. Neither does the hunger bother me. I've only eaten my chicken salad at around 14:00 today and usually I go crazy from the hunger that follows the night, but not tonight.

I'm trying to figure out what to do and distract myself in the meantime. Watching Buffy the tv-show and playing WoW almost simultaneously. Can't figure out what kind of music I want to hear. It's like an empty void massive around me, and only K can fill it. I don't demand it from him, hardly, I'm just pining a bit and wishing he was here instead of wherever.

I upped the heat a bit, but I really don't care. I'm wearing enough clothes for winter season, no chance in this hell I'd freeze to death in here. Probably just cold from not eating. Do I wanna get thin or not? I've been lazy recently and not lost a kilo in two weeks. I probably won't reach my goal unless I starve more and go running every day. Do you think I could get used to that, if I really tried? I don't know. I've never been good at running, it's just too painful. Like physically and mentally.

Unstable today, and nothing seems to help to even out my mood. My guess is that it's only gonna get worse, but I won't tell you why, just needed to vent a bit. I'm not ready for this. This act of self consciousness, it obliterates me. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think it might run deeper than I think. The words just sort of stream out of me. Until I know nothing more. Something's going on inside me, but I don't know what it is, not yet at least. And I recognise myself so much in Spike's attempts to get Buffy to love him, but he doesn't quite succeed and I just know that pain too fucking well.

Ghosts

Okay I don't know if my friend reads this, but they linked a website article about a shaman describing their religion's view on mental illness to the public on Facebook. In it it was explained that they believe mentally ill people are in contact with the spirit realm, beyond us and our perceived reality. I've always believed that too, even before I got to see/feel the presence of a lot of ghosts. I've always been sensitive, accepting of the idea of "more" beyond this reality ever since I was a child. *cough* (a psychotic child) *cough*

Though there are some things about it that doesn't quite fit it. Like how about my magic abilities? Is that also me connecting to the spirit realm, to my own gain? And also, myself aside, what about when spirits or entities tell other mentally ill people to harm themselves or others? Cause I have a hard time believing ghosts/spirits can be mean like that for no reason.

And a lot of Schizophrenics say the voices they hear are very critical of them, constantly commenting on negative things about them. I've read about that, it's not something I've made up, I promise. I've studied quite a lot about Schizophrenia and specifically about hearing voices. But also, studies aside, I've come to notice that some perceive their voices and hallucinations to be some form of spirits or ghosts.

So a lot of it points to the Shamans' belief to be considerable, yet I can't quite explain it all. But I do believe the visions and voices I get are from actual ghosts, cause in my case I think they are quite like such. Confusing, random, trying to get in contact with me in obscure ways almost to the point that I think they don't quite know how to get in contact with me.

When I was a kid, under 10 years old, I wanted to get in contact with ghosts. I wanted to help them, mostly, and also because I thought it would be cool. So you could probably say another one of my totally regretful wishes came true. Please be careful what you wish for, people, it can have dire consequences...

Anyhow, I think it is possible that I have gotten in contact with the spirit realm by now, that I'm somehow attuned enough to "let them in" or what to say cause this was hardly what I wanted. They scare the living shit out of me sometimes, and other times they're just confusing or even annoying. I upped Abilify because of this reason without telling anyone why, and this might sound strange, but I want to lower the dose again. I've thought it through.

I don't think this is the right way, I don't want to medicate this away. Besides, I miss hearing Satan. Quite obviously a hallucination, right? I don't care. Rather try to deal with it, get in contact with the ghosts instead of running scared away from them, if that makes any sense at all. I just want to understand and I think I'm strong enough to take it. Instead of telling them to leave me alone, I'm gonna ask them what they want. Taking pro tips from hollywood movies...

Seriously, can't help but thinking about "The sixth sense" about that boy who saw dead people. It's not quite like hollywood in my brain though. In hollywood movies the deal is like they see a huge fire almost to the point of it burning them, but all I see is a flickering flame in the corner of my eye. It's not quite visual for me, it's more of a strange feeling, and they play tricks on me. A slight change in the environment, in the atmosphere, strange sounds, cold winds, that kind of stuff.

Sometimes I get thrust into it deeper, as if I was pulled away somehow and it intensifies. The strange sounds in the wind becomes whispers, the coldness shifts between heat, the flickering in the corner of my eye becomes shadows stalking me. Vargyl, Satan and Anna talk a lot then. I think Anna too fears all this. I don't believe she is a ghost from the past, more likely that she is simply a part of me. That personality split thing, you know.

I have many things to deal with, much to put up with when it comes to mental illness. Just a little of this and that but together the symptoms add up to a total chaos. I've always said that I live in a dark chaos, almost to the point of my reality being a hell dimension or a living nightmare. I'm forced to be in it and I just want to figure out a way to live with it all. Not just the ghosts, but mainly they are my concern, since it's fairly new to me still. The hallucinations and delusions... they really tend to wear me out. Mostly because they're stressful and take up a lot of concentration.

I don't "feel" psychotic right now or for these last few weeks or so, but I still believe. I did some magic as recently as yesterday, for example. It was very windy, almost to the point of it being stormy, and I thought heck, why not try to do something about it? So I forcefully tried to stop the strong winds as I walked down to the grocery store. And it worked. Not like a charm perhaps, but it slowed down the winds to a tolerable level. I hope I didn't cause another hurricane or something in another country by doing so. It was a bit reckless and selfish thing to do.

I remembered that I could do that as a child, and also realised that I'm stronger now than ever, so it could work. But damn it drained me. I thought about "Buffy, the vampire slayer" the tv-show and especially Willow, whom was a witch in it. And it bothered me how very incorrect it was, like how could she perform such strong magic without getting totally drained? Getting stuck on the hollywood ideas of my own tacky delusions again...

I'm not that strong, I'm quite a mess only peeking out from my eternal darkness of damnation, of course I get drained from trying to stop a storm. I'm quite obsessed with changing my life right now. The weight loss, the transgender related stuff, my health, my acne, selling my soul to Satan for a perfect body and luck in love, and I try to empower my magic abilities. Still improving my language skills, drawing and writing like crazy. You could say that I'm pretty busy these days. I might not be able to go to School or hold a job, but I'm pretty sure I'm starting to get a hang of that thing about living and not just surviving.

So... where was I going with this? Oh yes, spirits and ghosts. I think I need to get in better contact with them. Not saying I will stop my medication entirely, cause I honestly don't think I would survive that, but to lower the dosage just a notch and try to be a bit more receptive to the world beyond that obviously wants something from me.

But wait a second, how can they be real if I can medicate them away? Simple, the medication makes me sort of develop a shell from my sensitivity and therefore making me less receptive to their presence. But I wanna get more receptive again, and maybe find out more about it. Try to not be so frightened and just give it a try. Bad idea? No, I think I'm ready. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? I'll just up the dosage again. They can't harm me anyways, only I can, and I won't. Promise.

From afar

I think I'm finally getting a hang of this hangover now. I got so fucking wasted two night ago, haven't felt like that in a long time. Seriously, I was so drunk I couldn't even write. Think I got a little dash of dyslexia there. Finally I had some fun, from afar, if that makes any sort of sense. Had some web camming or what to say, with a couple of friends. It was kinda close to awesome. I've missed being around awesome people even if it's "just" over web cam. I don't have any high standards or anything, but I figure most of my friends do.

Cause I'm not stupid, I know why you never call and maybe I don't for the same reason. Like what would we talk about anyway? We barely even chat online anymore. I've been isolating a lot lately, but more lately I've been starting to crawl out from my shell again. Perhaps you've noticed that I tag along in Facebook conversations and that I'm happy if you message me.

But... (there's always a but), I'm not quite ready to take on the whole world just yet. I'm still shy, hesitant and introverted. Slightly misanthropic too. And then there's just one person that I really want to be with. But how would you know? I still haven't told anyone, so to you it could be anyone.

The world out there is still such a cruel place, and I still prefer my own little world. The one I built up on broken dreams, fragile hopes that touch the stars, nightmares, hallucinations, delusions and loneliness. What a world to prefer, huh? I didn't say I like it. Worlds like mine aren't choices, they chose me. And I believe they did that for a reason, whether I like them or not.

I didn't think I'd be jealous, but I kinda am. He's not even mine but still I fear that someone else will take him from me. I took such pride in never being jealous even in the trickiest situations before, so I hate that I feel this way now, but now I understand how other people must be feeling when they're jealous in love. That it's like a form of fear, that everything would be ruined if someone new or old would come along and change things. What never was might never be in the future.

But my hopes are still up, and I notice vague signs, or even hints from him. It could be, if it's not just wishful thinking, or that I might be angling his words to my liking or something. I hope I don't, but it would be subconsciously if I happen to do that. But I think it's possible that he's showing some kind of interest. It's not just wishful thinking to say that we have grown closer to each other during this past month. That can't all be for nothing, right? Though I can never know for sure, until I know for sure, that is.

I won't ever finish this blog entry, seriously I've been at it for two days now. Slowly giving up, so I'll just post it to get rid of it now.

Real love

I still wonder if he knows, still not sure if I really have a chance with him. I'm still very shy, even when I'm drunk, and my hints are very vague, I hardly notice them myself. I give him compliments, about all sorts of things, but they only show care and liking, not necessarily love. If I was brave, like really brave, I would tell him that he's the most wonderful person I've ever met, but I'm not that brave.

And it's hard, keeping him in the dark about my feelings for him. It's hard because I just want him to know that there is someone, me, who really loves and adores him just the way he is. I think he needs that right now. Yet I'm selfish, cause I still can't, just fucking can't, risk losing him over telling him that truth. Afraid he would think it's just weird and awkward and push me away cause I creep him out.

I don't wanna be a creep, I so don't wanna be a creep, yet I can't understand why true love would make me one. I got that fixed idea that one way love is a thing for stalkers, that somehow I just can't understand how it's even possible for me to love him like this. Of course he's loveable, so very much loveable, and that's not what I meant. I don't understand how I can be in love with him unconditionally now and before I even got to know him. I wonder, can't help but wonder if that is love at all.

That's the thing about obsession. You get blinded and deafened and you lose your senses. You become insane over a very specific something or someone and that becomes your entire world, "just like that" and there's absolutely nothing anyone can do about it or stop you from your crazy feelings that has somehow gotten far way out of hand.

Do you understand what I mean, what obsessive love truly is? It's crude and awkward and so fundamentally wrong, almost like you become another person by losing yourself so completely like that. I truly am insane now, whether I was before all this or not. And I don't know what is true anymore. He could do anything no matter what, he could kill me and I would still love him to and beyond my death. That the one person I'd take a bullet for could end up being behind the trigger.

Don't get me wrong, I seriously doubt he would be behind that figurative trigger, he's a genuinely nice person and wouldn't harm anyone. I just know that, even though I don't know him that well yet. What I mean is simply that he is really everything to me, so to the point it scares me. I knew I got lost in the darkness I live in, but I didn't know I would lose myself when I found the light.

The thing is, I think I need to find myself again, for obvious reasons. I need to know if this is real. Back in September or October, I was afraid I had fallen in love with an idea of him, a picture, a bunch of written words. I thought that just seeing him in person would solve that mystery, but I'm still not sure. I can never be. Cause if I just believe that I love him unconditionally, or if I actually do, how will I ever know the difference?

Let's say we hook up, and I'm still head over heals or even worse off, am I then still hooked on an idea or truly love him? Or we don't end up together, if he rejects me and I still can't ever let go, am I in love with an idea or truly love him? What is real love, cause it's just chemistry and signals in our brains that we interpret as what we call love, so how can we ever define what it means, what is truly the difference between real love and a strong-willed obsession based on nothing? The only way love really exists, is in our brains.

I'm getting hooked on that "what is real or not" kinda thing again... cause I can never know, no one can ever know and it just totally bugs me. No, as deep into my heart as I can possibly reach, I know that he's in there. If I just think about it. Everywhere, in every fibre, he's reached deeper into my soul than anyone has ever before. And it scares me, that's why I react this way. I'm just so fucking scared cause I know what I would do if he'd never love me back. If he just can't.

God, I'm still so very lovesick. Shifting between thinking he should love me, that we are so compatible it's silly - and that he's too good for me, like why would he ever consider me of all the fundamentally broken people in this country? Well, he's a bit broken too, but I'm not sure he would like that I say that. But he's also struggling, and I don't know, but in a perfect world we could heal other, become who we want to be together, always together. Just the two of us against the world and all odds.

My fairy tales rip me apart. And I know that I should get real, but I just can't. I think I'd die then. But truth be told, I really don't know what is real anymore, or how to get there. I think that's it for tonight.

My feminine side

This is strange. Right now I'm wearing a bra in the size I used to be before the surgery (it's very big on me now), but I haven't worn a bra in like six years or so. I just wanted to know how it felt again, and also it's a very good thing that I totally look like a dude wearing women's lingerie. Which is what I am. This has got nothing to do with "detransioning."*

No, I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. Mostly when no one is looking. It doesn't mean that I've "changed" my mind or anything. I'm still a guy, who just happens to like women's clothing to a degree. It doesn't make me any less transsexual just because I like clothes strongly associated with femininity, it doesn't mean I would want to go back. It's transvestism or cross dressing and though it is rare among transsexuals, it's definitely possible.

There's this thing called "faux queen" which is basically transguys going drag queen. That is that term FtMtF (female to male to female) which could of course be a very temporal detransition, just for a night or a show perhaps. When I'm in drag I don't quite care which pronouns people use to refer to me, or which name they use, as long as it's not my birth name. I can be John or Kazanndra or any other female name for that matter. But only in that situation I'm comfortable with that.

It's fun to confuse people, it's fun to dress up and most of all, I feel so masculine. Like it's so really confirming that those clothes, those shoes, that make up and that wig sit so very wrong on me as a man. It's always felt wrong of course, that those clothes just don't quite reflect the actually me. But that is also part of the fun. It's really a form of masquerade, a dress up party, like a costume.

I still have a bunch of clothes for that purpose lying around. A couple of bras with fillings and I should get more of those if I want a heavy rack which I'd be most comfortable to rock, skirts, stockings, tights, high heal boots, tank tops, even jackets and lots of jewellery. I have a tarnished, simple wig with long blonde waves, but I've been thinking of getting a new one. Blonder and in better state than what the one I have is in now.

Still gonna go for a cheap one, and also I might buy another one for Anna as well. We've talked about it, that we could dress me up as her and go to a lonely place somewhere and talk to each other and do things she wants to do. You could almost call it a date, but it's something quite radical to do for a voice in your head. Oh, and when I can get the wig, I'll also sew a dress for her. Something that is in her taste. It would most definitely feel pretty damn weird looking like her.





*Detransition: If you've never heard the term before, it's when you as a transsexual go though treatment (hormones, surgery, etc.) and then want stop and go back to how you were before. What I mean is they stop taking hormones and won't though any(more) surgeries. They stop their transition, basically. Those who do that do it of a vast amount of reasons. Some of those reasons are: they come to terms with their biological sex and decide they still want to be that way. Others still consider themselves as transsexuals but still want to stop their treatment, also that for several different reasons.

I don't look down on them for any reason at all. Some people, mostly other transsexuals, think of these people like fake, that they are a "threat" to the "real" transsexuals. But I think that's total bullshit. There's no faking in this at all. What could be described as "fake" is someone who wants to transition for reasons like: it's cool, wanting to get attention, or just out of a whim even though you know that you aren't transsexual.

Consequences

It was warm outside today, so I sat drawing in my yard for about an hour. Then I decided to go for a walk to the store as usual, but before then some beggar knocked on my door. Stating on a written note that they were deaf and carried something for sale. So I just shook my head and closed the door. Having serious doubts she's actually deaf and probably some cheap trick to earn money. She was way too well dressed for being so broke she had to knock on peoples doors to beg for money. Just saying.

If only I knew sign language, that would have been funny. I've been wanting to learn it actually. Not just for situations like that one. I think it's a beautiful language and I could walk around pretending that I'm deaf. No, kidding aside, it would be neat to learn it. You don't have to be deaf to learn it, you know. But maybe it's because I'm hearing impaired that I wanted to learn the sign language in the first place. As a tool for when I can't hear what someone says, or if I ever go to a lecture/seminary and there's a interpreter there. I don't know.

I'm feeling weird all of a sudden. I've had this lingering feeling I couldn't identify all day, but thought it was just me missing K. But maybe it runs deeper than that. I just don't know, but now I really feel uneasy and sort of... choked. Be careful what you wish for, it always has consequences and you find yourself thinking: I wanted that, but not like this. Now that was about K.

My burn wound is healing but once again I hate that I have to hide my arms under long sleeves in the heat. What is wrong with me? I was gonna stop self harming, stop leaving scars on my body, to be able to go sleeveless in the summer. Oh well, this fucker will heal up in a week or two and then no more scarring. At least where it won't show. Which will basically only leave my butt if I'm gonna go around wearing only shorts soon.

I'm dreading the day I will most likely become a full time alcoholic. Yes, I believe it's just a matter of time before that happens. It was less than a year ago I had my last "outbreak" or what to call it, and I'm already sneaking back into it. But do I want to? No, I'm just tempted. I don't know if I want to. I want the mist cause it's easier to deal with life, especially mine, if I'm drunk.

I have this weird vision, that I've had almost all my life. I see it from first person perspective: I'm driving a car, silvery in colour and all I can see is my arm hanging out the open door window. It's pale and tattooed, my arm, holding a cigarette and a bottle. I can't see the rear-view mirror, and I wonder why. I know it's somehow my future and I know that me is unhappy, driving too fast and possibly to his own death.

Perhaps I see so little of that future me because I couldn't even tell if that me was male or female when I was still a child. Couldn't even tell for sure that it was me. Thinking maybe I would reassign my gender for the wrong reasons if a stupid vision had told me so. I know I don't drink or smoke because of it, and I know I don't want to get tattooed because of it. It's my left arm, why would I have it tattooed? But what I do know is that all of those things in that vision has become true, all but two: I don't have those tattoos and I don't drive.

That vision is like tumblr gif: eternally repeating without a beginning or end. I wish I could see that rear-view mirror, I wonder who would look back at me through it. Maybe someday I'll see the whole movie.

Existence in progress

I think I've been smoking a bit too much again, I can't breathe right. Or rather, I can't take deep breaths. That happens sometimes, nothing to worry about really, cause it will pass. It's just annoying for a day or so. And I keep smoking of course.

I fell asleep today, somewhere around noon. (Well, technically yesterday). First I thought I was just gonna sleep for a few hours or so, but then I didn't want to wake up. The world seemed so dull without his presence, too cruel to live in. I wasn't going temporarily suicidal, just gave up for a few hours, that's all. I'm back to my old self now again.

I do that sometimes, go to sleep as a means to escape reality. I'm gonna try to go back to sleep again in an hour or so, to get those sleeping habits back into normal rhythm.

*

I still get weird tingly feelings in my chest sometimes. I think it's the nerves regenerating. I've read about that somewhere, that it can take several months for them to do that. I don't quite care though. I have full sensation in the one place I wanted that, which is right vertically on the middle, kinda "between" where the tits were. I suppose it's a weird place for having such sensation, but hey I am kinda weird.

I haven't been writing much about my post op experiences lately, or what to say. Mostly because there hasn't been that much to report. It's healing. No more complications. I care for my scars with zinc paste and moisturising when needed. Should probably massage and shit too, cause it's a bit hard at some places, but nah. It will soften up with time. I'm still careful with my movements and such, cause I don't want to stretch the scars so that they become wider.

I think it's good that I'm so pale, cause then when the scars have faded to that light pink/white colour they won't show much. It's like on my arms, you can't really see the scars if you're not looking at them up close. But still hoping for my arms to get more hairy. Well, my chest will get more hairy too, and I don't know if I'd like that or not. Probably depends on how it will turn out.

*

I've totally decided I will continue being completely honest with K about everything. But if there's something I don't want to tell, I'll just tell him that with an explanation. Cause I still believe communication is the key to any good relationship, whether it be romantic or friendship. I've fucked up too much by lying my ass off, even though no one seem to have suspected that I haven't been honest with them. Those who know specifically have mostly just been disappointed with me though. But still.

I don't know about you, but I think it's quite radical of me to stop lying just like that for him. He means so much to me I'd literally do anything, anything for him so stop lying is quite a piece of cake in that sense. I'm going back to my old self, when I was completely honest about basically everything to everyone. Well, not to everyone this time, I'll still lie to some, if not most people. If I find it necessary. But I won't lie to him. That is my new rule I've made for myself. And some rules just shouldn't be broken.

You know that I hate rules and break most of them whenever I can just because they bug me. It's because I can't stand it when people try to control me. But it's different with my own rules, cause I want to gain control over myself, and making rules for myself is a neat way for me to do that.

In the dark

It feels like my heart is broken, but what could have broken it? He hasn't rejected me, I haven't given him the chance to. Not yet. I still keep him in the dark about my true feelings for him. Still torn between what I want to say and what I want for him to hear. No, they aren't the same. I don't want to burden him, and the real truth might be such a burden. It's heavy shit, not some words one just throws around. And once they're said, I can never take them back. So you see I have to be a bit careful, however painful it is.

The way my heart hurts, my soul bleeds, it's like something is broken deep inside but I just can't explain it. I don't ever want to sleep, I want to wait up for him forever and ever. But eventually I'll have to sleep, I realise that. That's one of very few things I can never escape. But with enough coffee, I might be able to sit up for a couple of days at least.

Is this insanity, to wait up like this? Then maybe if you haven't yet understood how much he means to me, you might now. Maybe it's just sadness over missing him that makes it ache in my heart like a thousand knives. I didn't know this was gonna make it so much harder, actually being closer to him than ever.

I haven't actually told you this, afraid of what you already know that I always fear cause my only concern is him, but we've been chatting almost every day for a little over three weeks now. It makes the days we don't chat so much harder than ever before.

I miss him so crucially that I don't know what to do. I hug myself, rock myself, drink, cut, chain smoke, anything. Oh, and I burn myself too, apparently. Putting out a cigarette on your own arm, now that tends to take your mind off things. Just saying. And then I lit up another one to smoke as if nothing has happened. But the pain in my heart seems to have become a little lighter to carry. But then I will interfere with the healing process the way I always do. It's been a while since my last burn wound, but suppose I still know what to do. The three stages... you don't want to know, trust me. Cause I trust you know how burn wounds heal, compared to shallow cuts.

I miss him so much that I hurt myself, but it's not my only reason for doing so. It's just one of the reasons that I'm prepared to be open about. I'm back in every single bad habit I've ever been practising and I don't know how to stop. I knew the surgery wasn't gonna be a quick fix, though it did change my life. Not in an all powerful kind of way, but in some way it did. It didn't just change my body, you know. But alas, I'm back to self harm.

But enough about that. I'm trying to distract myself as I wait for him to come back online again. Mostly I watch "Angel" and play WoW, listen to music of any kind, write and draw. Anything I can think of. But I can't take my eyes of his pictures, can't think of anything else but him. I'm farming for grisly trophies in WoW as I think about him. I'm watching Angel's gang kill demons and I think of K. He's in everything I do so distractions just don't work anymore. Nothing ever works anymore.

Cure us

Anyone here heard the term "mirror neuron"? Apparently it's a type of cells in your brain that can cause you to, when you care so much for another person, start mirroring their feelings and/or behaviour. Not purposely or willingly, but more like you're synchronised with that person. Like when you care and feel empathy so strongly that you also feel what they feel. Literally.

Cause I have that, according to my psychologist, whom I just saw earlier today. About my feelings for K. My love for him runs so deep it even has a psychological term. I might not have understood it exactly how she told me, but I think I'm pretty close. Also she agreed it was panic attacks that I had before, as we both read up on the symptoms for such. She gave me some good advice too, so it was definitely worth leaving my computer for almost three hours for.

I'm so sick with worry and hard feelings I don't know the names of. Yes, I'm mirroring him right now. His darkness clouds my vision, his darkness is now also partially mine. Maybe I want to suffer for him, instead of him. If only I could. It wouldn't be the best of ideas, but I'd be more than willing to carry his burden for him.

But it is breaking me too, but somehow I feel as though I'm strong enough to handle it. That it was harder when the darkness that fell upon me was mine, and mine alone, than it is to help him carry his darkness. I tried my best, I tried my fucking best to make him feel better today, but I think I failed. Maybe he was just inconsolable today and that's okay, sometimes we all are.

But I can't shake this feeling of sadness and emptiness, as though nothing will ever get better. This is awful, but sometimes I can't help but wonder, a thought that never quite reaches the surface. Would I have fallen for him if I knew he was such a chaos? I most likely would have though. But isn't it awful, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have, maybe this is too much for me? But then again, am I not myself too much for anyone else?

But I think, that if we ever end up together, we could work on keeping each other strong. I carry his chaos and he carries mine, that we could make it work together. Is that naive of me? That I think love could make us stronger, that love can in some small way cure us? I dare not believe such foolishness, but I can't help it. I will most likely get disappointed if it ever comes to that though. Because love is not a cure, it's just an emotion.

Sweet and sour

My fantasies are so cruel today. Imagining perfect scenarios where K tells me he loves me and it's so sweet it would make anyone puke. If I ever thought you'd want to hear about those elaborate stories I make up. Sometimes it's a curse being creative with author tendencies.

I don't just miss him, I need him, crave him, want him to be here with me. Just to hold me in a tight hug. That's all I need right now. Sometimes I wonder exactly what it is I need about him, what it is that only he could give me. In a perfect world where he loves me just as much as I love him. Can dreams come true, or are they just like fairy tales?

My heart is so cruel today. I can't stop smoking, can't stop thinking about him for even just a minute. I've been listening to "Pictures of you" by The Cure for hours now, but it doesn't get under my skin. I'm falling in love with K's pictures, and I wonder why. Maybe because that is the only way I can see him with my own eyes, the only way he can look back at me. I imagine a whole lot of things and I wish I could tell him, wish I could somehow show him that I like him more than as a friend.

And a part of me wonders if he asks himself if I like him. If those love poems that I write are about him, if he reads my blog and wonders if possibly he could be my "K" and what would go through his mind if he does. If he has already figured it out, or if he never will. Cause I also have a sensation that it will come as a surprise to him when I finally tell/show him.

I believe it's partially human nature to never assume that someone is in love with you, if not told so directly. I wouldn't think someone's in love with me until they tell me up front. I've been like "Oh, really? I had no idea, but how very sweet of you" those two times that has actually happened. But in between I still don't think that I'm the type of person that someone falls in love with.

I long for July so much, I long for meeting him again, for just being with him. Drunk or sober, I don't care. But alone would be nice. If only for just five minutes, enough for a gaze, for me to casually touch his hand and smile shyly. I would totally do that, by the way. Anything, anything, just to be with him. Being rejected or kissed, but hoping for the latter. Oh, how I dream of those lips.

And I dream a lot today, my mind is racing to the rhythm of my heart. Fast and loud, reflecting and pacing, they cannot understand reality. That truth is never on my side, that luck is never in my hand. But I can't let go, no I hold on to the dream firmly and steadily beyond the absolute breaking point. Beyond it, beyond it and I shatter every minute, every second cause it's so hard to just fucking breathe.

I'm inconsolable, only needing and wanting him and nothing and no one else. Why do I feel like this is so pointless? Trying to win his heart in desperation, needing him like a starving person needs food, loving him like a religious person loves their god, longing for him like a homesick person longs for their home and wanting him like a child that can't stop screaming for candy. Constantly, fucking constantly. And it never ends.

Blank

I made my own salad today, since I saw I only had 400 kr left on my bank account. Cheaper to make my own, I mean. So I have to ask my parents for money again, but I can make it through the week with what is left at least.

My mind seems empty today, I can't think of anything to write. Seriously this is the only thing I've written today. Like, what's wrong with me all of a sudden?! No, but I think it's my worry and anxiety that sort of block my thought process somehow.

I've had constant anxiety for two consecutive days now. I don't know what to do about it, all I can do just gives me more anxiety. Except playing WoW. That seems to take my mind off it, at least for a little while.

I feel bad for not forcing myself to starve and not exercising enough. I'm just too tired, too bored of it. And now I can't buy things while taking my walk, cause I can't afford it, so I have to walk without a goal, which is hard for me. I have to have something I need to do, something to walk towards, you know. Maybe I'll think of something...

Gonna go to the School tomorrow, I think, and hoping for nice weather so that I can draw or have a picnic or something. It should be closed there now, since it's summer or something. Hoping it's closed at least, so that I won't run into people who wants to be friendly.

Now I need to go to bed, so catch ya later.

Medicate it away

Finally figured out why I smoke so damn much lately: anxiety. Can barely play WoW for five minutes before I have to light up another one. By the way, not that anyone's interested but still, Lucky Strike has changed their look on the cigarette packs and it now says "Luckies" on the cigarettes. It's kinda cute, don't you think? They're like little pieces of luck now.

This anxiety is so massive I don't know what to do, but to smoke and keep popping pills. But the pills make me tired and I don't wanna go to sleep yet. Maybe I should though.

There's so much going on in my life right now, even though I mostly just sit by my computer doing nothing. It wears me out and it's hard to keep up with everything. Both the positive and all the negative. Oh well, gonna see my shrink on Wednesday anyway.

Distinction

Dreamt about K tonight. That was a while ago since last time. In this dream we were a couple, or at least very close friends. I don't remember any details though, only that we talked a lot. My dreams are kinda soft like that, rarely any action of that kind.

Didn't take my pills before I went to bed early this morning, so I only slept for a few hours. I realise I can't really sleep much at all without my sleeping pills. Perhaps not so strange, since I take them for a reason. I shifted back to the dark me yesterday by the way. I felt it the entire day that it was going to happen, but it wasn't until I got the bad news that one of my favourite cats had passed away that it happened, while I was on the phone with my mother.

I don't know if she noticed any change in the way I talked during the phone call. She didn't mention it. It's very much triggered, that shifting thing. I was worried a lot during the day before the phone call which was what lead me to be close to shifting, but the actual trigger was the bad news my mother gave me.

She will be missed, fluffy grey little Whitney. That was her name, the cat. Don't know if you care, but I do. I don't want to go into details, but she didn't suffer at least. I'm just trying to stay strong and pushing away the tears, won't allow myself to break down.

The light me is also triggered, but reversed. It' when something good happens instead.

This is not the real me, it doesn't feel like the real me. More like... the demon. Half human, half demon, of course that's what it's about. The dark me is not evil, but it is my demonic side. I just figured out yesterday. Maybe that's why it scares me, my dark side. So maybe this is a delusion, if I really believe that the demon in me is a secondary personality.

So much has happened this past year, I don't recognise myself half the time. Am I part demon, part human in my soul or am I just delusional to the point of splitting myself up in two categories, two distinct personalities? If I could at least have somewhat common Schizophrenic delusions, then maybe setting that diagnosis on myself would be much easier. That it would be easier to pin down, I mean.

Sometimes I think I'm too smart for my own good. That I just entangle myself in theories and observations but I can't see myself objectively enough. What is crazy, and how crazy am I really? If only I could know for sure.