Reach out

I want to talk to K, but I don't how to reach out to him. Just want to show that I'm his friend, that I care about him. Aw, this sucks. I'm just romantically frustrated, worried at the same time and have anxiety for all sorts of reasons. I'm chain smoking again and I can't stop it.

I'm cold from drinking a lot of coke, can't think of anything to do. It's like I can't be still, can't concentrate, can't move at the same time. Anxious and scared for a reason. I want to write in my autobiography but at the same time I don't. So ambivalent it drives me crazy. The darkness and the light colliding, but there's no grey amidst the black and the white. Chaos between polar extremes.

I'll probably not get any rest tonight either. What is so suddenly wrong with me? I feel like a plague, that I'm affecting people around me to do bad things that I have done. I don't know why I feel that way, cause it doesn't have to be that. I should eat, I need to eat but I don't want to. Me, me me, it's always about me, isn't it? But then I only care about two people and K is the first and the second one is me.

Second, I come second. I feel so locked, like I'm suffocating myself figuratively. Suffocating my words, my actions. The night has yet again become my enemy even though I'm shining with the sun during the days. If I take Imovane now I will just break through it, I know that I will.

It's hard to write when I'm holding the key information to myself. The key as to why I feel this way. I'm thinking you can guess why though. I'm so fucking scared but it really has nothing to do with me. I'm too sensitive or something, can't think objectively. Don't know why I react like this, it's never happened before. I'm not the type of person who loses sleep over another person's well being.

Literally losing sleep. For two nights in a row now I haven't been able to fall asleep until it's morning and almost time to take my pills and then only stay asleep for a few hours. Doesn't matter what I take, though I haven't tried everything. I'm crawling out of my skin.

I suppose I'm taking a risk posting this text, but I think you need to know that I'm not feeling so well these days. That it's affecting me so much.

Starve for control

I think a whole lot about food and eating, don't I? A bit too much I'd say, cause it makes me sick just thinking about it. My relationship to food has become worse, I realise. I still wanna lose weight and not eat, but I wish I could stop obsessing about it. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe I won't get an eating disorder.

At least I hope so, cause I don't want to get new problems all the time. But I know I'm in the risk zone. I've been a bit pro-ana to be honest, though I'm not proud of that. Not at all. I mean I've been jealous of anorexic people, that they can keep such control over what they're eating when I couldn't. That they can stay thin and even if they get better they're not likely to ever get fat. More likely to fall back though, but still. Yeah, I'm fucked up, I know...

I am a control freak, even though it might not be obvious. There's so much that I feel is out of control which drives me crazy, so I have to find things that I can control. And I found out I could control what I'm eating last spring, or at least I tried. I impatiently tried to be anorexic, or at least living that way. I was desperate to lose weight. I still am.

For every kilo that I lose I get inspired to lose more. I starve constantly and have done so for months at an end now. Almost a year (I don't remember exactly when it started). "Good" thing that my metabolism can handle that. I say good like that cause I want to see more results from my lack of eating. I don't just starve cause I hate food, I do it cause I hate my body.

My body image is really bad and my self esteem is low. I can still eat properly when offered food though, unless it's really disgusting of course. I don't eat much, cause there's just not so much room in my stomach anymore. That tends to happen when you eat very little for a long time.

I don't know what happened last spring. What drove me to this way of living. I had been over weight for almost two years by then, so it wasn't a recent weight gain. But for some reason I must have just snapped eventually. That I needed for something to be done about my hatred towards my body.

I've always hated the way I look and thought I was too fat since I was about six or seven years old. It's almost amazing I lasted this long without eating disorders. If you look at it that way. Eating has always been a problem one way or another and so has the way I look been for me, it's just that last year they combined. All I see is a downward hill but it could also still change. I'm not there yet, I could turn it around... if I wanted to. And that is my problem. If I really don't want to have an eating disorder, why don't I do something about that?

Cause it's always been a goal in my life to be thin and good looking, just like for (almost) everyone else. And I'm working towards that goal, so why would I wanna ruin that? I'm one of few who actually said "I've had enough" and went to do something about it. No way I'm gonna stop now. No way, I'm just starting.

Mind shatter

I'm listening to "My World" by Colony 5 and trying to figure out what to do. I just ate a sandwich so I might need for it to land in me before I go to the gym. Should decide if I want to buy a gym card as well.

I smoke too much again. Hoping it won't be too much of a problem when working out. Like how much air do I need exactly? And there's still room for air in my lungs, obviously, or I wouldn't be sitting here writing nonsense right now.

I haven't had any breathing problems for some time now, since before I took that month long break from smoking. And when or if I get breathing problems they're not very serious. Like it can hurt in my chest and it can be hard to take deep breaths, and then it passes after a day or two.

I'm trying to control this anxiety I have over going to the gym. It's not easy. I have a lot of reasons for my anxiety, but they're things I don't need to fear and worry about. I mean it's not like it's helping to be have anxiety. Is it ever?

I can't stop thinking about an episode of Torchwood I watched yesterday, or well very early this morning. It's one of my favourite episodes, and it's about three people who went through a time rift on their flight trip in 1953 and ended up in the present time, which was around 2003 when the series were made. Can't stop thinking about how lost they were, that they didn't fit in, and mostly I think about one of the three who was a middle aged man who lost his wife many years ago and his son was senile. Such an intense episode that is. Everyone is bisexual in Torchwood by the way, I kinda like that.

My mind is on different things at the same time and I need to get going now. What's holding me back, do I even want to know?

I'll soon let you know

The loneliness is killing me. I want comfort, I want his arms around me. Feel his body heat, his chest pressed tight against mine. If that would ever become reality, I could die happy. No, don't feel pressured K, I don't mean to do that. If you're reading this. I just want you near me and it's like I want nothing else. And I hug my stuffed animal as I go to sleep and pretend it's you. A white tiger cub smoother than velvet, softer than a down pillow.

Speaking of pillows. When I visited your place I was given something that I brought with me in a plastic bag to carry it. That plastic bag I still hold on to, inside my pillow case. It's a slight comfort, something of yours so close to me. The crew almost had me throwing it away when we spring cleaned my bedroom. My heart jumped at least twice. They can't know why I keep it and why should I tell them?

I do anything I can to experience something like I'm closer to you. Your picture on my cell phone screen lighting up the room right next to me as I fall asleep. So that you are the last thing I see every night and the first thing I see every morning. I don't feel like I'm obsessed anymore. Just really lovesick. And missing you so much is so painful.

I have it under control, but sometimes the feelings get overwhelming. I want you near me constantly. I want to be in your company no matter what and I want to be where you are even if you wouldn't be in Sweden. Fantasising about going with you on one of your trips through Europe.

I care less and less about if people find out who you are to me. If they find out who it is that I'm love with. I leave little clues, like a trail of bread crumbs, making it a guessing game. Cause why should I care? I want the whole world to know how amazing you are. Cause you truly are, and I'm not just saying that cause I'm in love with you. You're sweet, kind, cool, have a good sense of humour, you'e handsome no matter what you wear and worth so much more than you realise. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

The letter "K" is nowhere to be found in your name, by the way. Any of your names. So if you or anyone else is still unsure, that is a clue. I don't really just leave the clues as a part of some obscure guessing game, I do it because it's getting harder to leave stuff out. I worry about you, especially when you're not feeling so great. I worry like I've never worried about another person before. Maybe there is more than one reason for that. That I didn't need to worry so much about other people in my life before.

I don't mean to say that you need to be worried about, I know that you are strong. You really are. I just can't help it that I do. That is because I love you, cause I care so much that it actually hurts. I want to do everything with you. I fantasise about dancing, eating pizza, talking about some movie or video game, playing dress up, going on a date, grill vegetarian food in a park, cooking, crafting things, anything.

Most of my fantasies are like that. They are sweet, innocent and much about intimacy without it necessarily being sexual. Cuddles, small talk, just holding each other. That is what I most want. It's not that I crave it from you, or demand or anything like that. They're dreams, wishes. A possible future of many millions.

I write to you here because I'm still too afraid to talk to you directly, this openly. I will though, someday. I will let you know, one day or another, how much you mean to me. But not today. Tonight I'm lost in loneliness, lost in a dash of insomnia and I miss you. I miss your smile, your voice, the way you move, your smell, your touch. I'm also missing what never happened.

I wish I had your phone number so that I could call just to hear your voice. I want to talk to you, all the time. Never want to end our conversations, but sometimes I can't think of anything more to say. So I guess I want to hear more than just your voice then. But of course you don't have to give me your number if you don't want that. I accept that and would never push you. I hope I didn't push you.

I'm so careful not to mess up. To not become creepy again. Never really sure if I am or not. It's tricky knowing where to draw the line between being romantic and being a creep. Flirting has never been my strong side. But yes, it's time for me to start showing my interest to you, it's time to let you know now. I won't just spit out that I love you, I'd probably just casually flirt with you. Small steps, carefully and I'm painfully aware of that you might not like it. I have a plan, I think. Soon...

Warmth

My body aches even more today, which I kinda knew it would. Just 6 hours of sleep tonight and I'm already up. (6:30 to 12:30). Feels like I'm still asleep, even though I've had three cigarettes and a strong cup of coffee. Don't know how much actual coffee there is in those cappuccino portions, but I always add an extra teaspoon or two of instant coffee to it. For better effect and so that I won't have to drink so much of it. Just two or three cups a day.

Sure it tastes good, but not that good. You know me and how I feel about tastes, by now. They cling to my mouth and I don't like that. Even good tasting things I don't like it when it doesn't leave my mouth, and I have to wash it away, with water and cigarettes anything I can find that doesn't add more tastes. I drink a lot of water these days. Could be because of the heat.

It's summer like weather today as well, alluring for me to go out and be in it. But not just yet. Wanna wake up a little more first, let the coffee land in me. I'm listening to my old favourite band Melody Club. Discovered then in late 2002 when they released their first single called "Palace Station" and they've always had a place in my heart since then. Odd little Swedish synth rock band. And they keep releasing new albums but their first will always be the best.

I haven't dressed up for a while now. No new events or what to call my meetings with various doctors in Visby. Haha, isn't that a bit sad? That the only things I have to look forward to and dress up for is doctor's appointments? Well, I do the best that I can with what I get. It might not be an adventure, but it's something that breaks the routines in my every day life.

What routines? I don't know but I think I've been starting to get some lately. My walks, trying to get up in the morning instead of late afternoon, skin care, medication, those one or two hours a day I work on my coat and something more perhaps.

Slowly my life unfolds and becomes something real. But it's still very fragile, and I'm scared of ruining it. 

Okay I just took my short walk. And the swings in the playground. Irresistible. Oh, it's definitely summer today, warmer than indoors, probably around 30 degrees in the sun and 20 something in the shadow. The perks of this island, it's warmer than it ever was in Alunda and Uppsala. Might think of something nice to do outdoors later. Like drawing or having a picnic with myself or something.

I'm glad that the first spring in over ten years that I feel good is warm and sunny like this. It's like the weather is kind to me. And I appreciate it so very much. I don't want to miss a second of it. Don't be like the rest, taking it for granted and just letting the summer fly by. Don't take it for granted, enjoy it. The days that are so warm you can't breathe right, enjoy them too. The warm and moist nights full of mosquitos, enjoy them too. The chilly days with soft rain in your face, enjoy them too.

I won't let this summer pass by without me even noticing it. I want to be able to remember it forever and that in a good way. I just want to make it the best summer ever. They say I shouldn't be out in the sun with my new scars, but I say fuck that and put on a butt load of sunscreen and enjoy the damn sun and water. Shirtless, among people. It's been too damn long and I can't wait another year. You know that.

Yeah, the fine weather really makes me think about how I value my life today. This new hype of feeling good might just be temporary, but that's better than it not being at all. Just because I'm so fucking scared of falling to pieces again I just cling to every little second of this new way of living. The way I always do when I have something good to hold on to, but ten times more. I can't throw it away, can't waste it on just sitting on my ass doing nothing forever and complain about what still sucks.

Cause yeah I do complain and I do sit on my ass a lot, but that's not the point. I'm finally actually working towards reaching my goals in life. I need to balance rest and relaxation with work and difficult tasks to not wear myself out. And complaining, well we all do it, no matter what about. You can't expect me to be all sunshine all the time. But compared to just two months ago I'm all sunshine and oh my gosh so much has changed since then.

I can barely keep up with my mood swings, but this isn't just a mood swing, it's like a personality swing. Was it all because of the surgery? Cause somehow I doubt that is even possible. But it did open up a whole lot more possibilities for my future. It made me believe again that things can change for the better even when I give up all hopes. Maybe it's more of a figurative meaning to it. More spiritual than physical.

Damn, I just keep on ranting. But it's good rantings, don't you agree? I feel so disgustingly happy today, but my thoughts aren't clear. So I try to sort them out through writing. It usually works, seeing it black on white, or white on black here in my blog. No I'll keep the design on my blog, I like the black and blue. A stupid quiz once told me my blog should be blue and I took it as good advice. As a kid I hated that colour, but now I really like it. Blue and green and white and silver. Colours make the world go round, don't they? More than money, in my opinion at least. Cause everyone and everything have their unique colours, but not everyone have money.

Now I'm gonna see if I can think of something to bring outside and do. Eat breakfast perhaps.

Night time thoughts

Today's diet has been two sandwiches, coffee and vitamin supplements. I'm listening to Hole and trying to figure out how come I didn't realised that I missed K, my love, until now. That comes and stays. I always miss him, but only in various degrees depending on circumstances and how I'm feeling at the moment. When I'm terribly lonely, afraid or haven't talked to him in a while for whatever reasons.

I still love him, and it's like I've done that for a long time now. Almost a year, ten months. I'm chain smoking and can't stop breaking through my sleeping pills. Trying to concentrate is hard again. Zero attention span. Bored and restless. I hate the restless nights. When so tired and I don't want to go to sleep, like I can't. Like I just know that if I would drop dead on my bed I won't be able to go sleep.

There's too much in my head and my head is empty. It's like a heavy noise. Indistinctly and loud. Empty, yet full. Like a perfect chaos. I'm not making any sense, am I? Too tired to think, yet that's all I do.

Citric acid stings on my ripped up lips, as I sip the vitamin C supplement from a glass. I don't rip them so much these days. Or well, I don't rip them bloody at least. Trying to care for them too, with scrubs and balms. But I keep poking and making it worse before it can heal why do I do that?

Okay so smoking isn't my only self harm now but I don't think about it. Most of the time. It's a habit, something I'm way used to by now. Just doing it automatically I guess.

I want to go to the gym again but need to rest at least another day. So the day after tomorrow I will go there again. Work on my lower arms, chest, stomach and neck. What I missed last time, that is. Just want to get my increased muscles now! It's a total drag that I have to work on getting such.

I feel like writing a poem but I don't know what about. Maybe time for some free associations, or what it's called, can't remember. When you just start writing out of nothing and see what pops up and you just continue writing without stopping or correcting it. Maybe that's what I'm doing right now.

Am I getting used to my sleeping pills? Cause it just gets easier and simpler to break through them. So if not physically at least psychologically.

I hate my body I need to change it. If I'm gonna be able to live with my flaws I have to get rid of them. My dysphoria that somehow seem to increase and decrease at the same time. Less to not dysphoric about my chest. A whole lot of less. And more dysphoric about my ass and thighs, like more than before or ever. I need to get them thinner cause I hate my body because of that. And the sweetness about it is that it's basically the only thing I hate about my body. In terms of appearance that is. I still hate how it behaves and all those little quirks like everything from never getting hungry to bumping in to things to forgetting things and so on. But I can live with that. I can live with hating my body for it being stupid and annoying. But what I can't live with is it being too feminine.

But you know what? I no longer consider my body to be female. It might not be the most masculine, but it's definitely not feminine anymore. That makes me happy, just thinking about it. Except from thighs and butt that is. They look feminine. Fucking child bearing hips. I don't want children and I will never have any. Why is nature so ignorant and cruel to me?

I've hated my wide hips from the time I was a little kid. Yes, I was born that way. Have always had wide hips. You know those little seats for kids in shopping carts? I couldn't sit in them because of my hips, and I think that was when my self hatred began. That and that I was jealous of my sister because she was so thin and I was not. I thought I was too fat already at such an early age as maybe six or seven.

I was wrong from beginning to end. Now I'm finally getting where I want to be. Just two more steps. Gaining muscles and get rid of my female organs on the inside of me. At least I think that's the right thing to do. So fucking scared of complications in that area, what the testosterone I take can do to them. It was enough just watching the documentary "Southern Comfort" to make me hesitate to keep them organs. But some things I want to keep, leave as they are. I don't think I need further bottom surgery, I don't want to risk losing sensation and I'm doing fine-ish with what I have.

Fine-ish as in things could be better. One reason as to why I'm in some sort of celibate right now is because I just don't know what I like anymore. It's like I have to rediscover myself again. And there's only one person I wanna do that with. So I will keep this touch of asexuality up until I can be with him. I'm still waiting and I can wait a whole lifetime through.

It's worth the waiting. Besides, I've had my fun with 13 different people already, pleasing others rather than myself. Only three of those were any good. The rest was like, meh. So I feel no immediate need to keep experimenting or how to put it. I'll just keep waiting for K and that's okay.

I'm thinking about my soon to happen visit to the main country this summer. What I would do to get my mother to let me go, what I would do if she won't let me. That I would book a flight ticket myself and take the bus to the airport without telling my mother about it. Cause it's gonna happen, one way or another, no matter what needs to be done. But I'm a bit nervous about it. Last time I travelled alone I got a psychosis.

But I'll take that risk too, just bring every medication that I have. Oh damn, didn't think about that. I don't have access to my own pills, and if mom won't let me go I won't be able to bring any medication with me. It's of utter importance that I don't miss a dosage. I go bonkers if I do. Side effect/abstinence is horrible. But I'll solve it somehow, if I'll need to. Contact the doctor myself to get new prescriptions or something.

Look, I'm even willing to call a stranger for this. That is quite huge. I can barely call people that I know, let alone those that I don't. I just miss you all so much it kinda hurts inside me. We should eat ice cream, watch a movie and drink beer. All at once! This trip is so important to me you have no idea. It will be the event of this year, I can tell you.

Hopefully I can catch up with a couple of friends during the medieval week here on Gotland later in the summer as well though. I just crave good company more than ever. Not just any company would do.

Saddest thing: I'm thinking of going to a local Valborg event on that date, alone. Where I don't know anyone just to look at a huge fire. What a celebration. Family, friends, everyone is having happy time all gathered to drink and laugh. Not even close.

It is on days like that I feel the most lonely here. Holidays. Maybe everyone who are alone are also lonely during those times. My family doesn't celebrate Valborg, at least I don't think so. I seriously can't remember if we use to do anything then or not. But I don't think so.

Realised I haven't written about my trip to Huddinge in Stockholm yet. I will soon enough though. I've just had a lot of other things on my mind lately.

Short passages, eh? My words seem to end without a beginning. They are half and weird. Like sort of jumbled. My hand is starting to ache from all the writing, so this will be it. Now I'm gonna go sleep on my aching body, five o'clock in the morning.

Just a name

I still can't say my old name (the one I was given at birth) in my head. Can't even think of it. And still, if I meet someone with that name I react to it. Like ice through my back. I'm not comfortable telling it to anyone who didn't know me already from before I picked the name I have now. I did once and I regret it, but it just slipped out cause I was pushed to tell.

Friendly, jokingly, but still pushed. If any of you think that it's okay to do that, it's not. It's not okay to force a transperson to tell the name they were given at birth if they're not comfortable with that. No matter how damn curious you are. It can cause tremendous anxiety and it can be very triggering. I don't want to be associated with that name. It's like a curse or something.

Like what's the big deal, it's just a name, right? I honestly don't know, to tell you the truth. It is just a name, but there's something more to it, something I can't really put my finger on. To me, it's a bit like I think if someone knows that name they would think of me as a girl. That they would think that's who I really am. But I'm not that person.

I hated that name always. I hated my parents for giving me it. I was uncomfortable with it throughout my childhood and teens. Wanted to change it, so eventually I came up with another female name: Kazanndra. That was the girl I tried to be. The girl in drag that was supposed to be me. I could be Kazanndra for a while, but the name I was given at birth, I never was that person. Ever.

So maybe it sits a bit deeper for me, that I can't even breathe my old name in syllables on a piece of glass without getting anxiety. Cause I hated it all along and it wasn't just because I'm trans. My parents told me that I was that name, no they implied it, but also literally.

It was a bland and boring name without any sort of feeling to it. It was like air, any girl or woman in the entire world could have it. Everyone but me and I was the one who was it. I did not want to be my name, so one of the reasons why I picked my name was that it was an act of rebellion that I took a name that is also a bland name that any guy could have - because it is just a name.

Open

I'm bored and can't think of anything to do or write about. Should look into my autobiography again. Been starting to write about last year. Since a lot of shit happened then I put it in a chapter for it alone. Dreading when I'll have to read it all (all of it) through and edit things, put the chapters in a decent order and see if I've missed something important or of there's something I want to delete. Probably gonna take me days. But I will finish it someday, I promise!

I don't intend to shock people with my story, but it might appear that way cause it's gonna be pretty graphic. I just want to get my story out. Though I'm not including absolutely everything, just as much as I'm comfortable with, and that is a lot.

Some people might not realise that, that I'm comfortable with sharing even my darker thoughts and things that I'm apparently supposed to be embarrassed over. I've always been like that, even when I was bullied I wasn't afraid of making a fool of myself. There are very few things that are too personal for me to discuss openly, or at all, and I can easily count them on one hand.

Some things that I've done, thought or felt. Things no one would even want to know about, or even if they would want to know they would most definitely not like it. Most of what I carry around is darkness with a few exceptions, but those things that I hide... they're pitch black.

Maybe that's just the way it is. That if I was more inhibited or cautious about how open I am, I would have less to hide, and the other way around. That maybe because I'm so comfortable being open about my trans identity, the rape I went through, self harm, mental illness, the bullying, suicide attempts and so on; I have to hide even darker things. Like no matter how open you are about your bad sides, you still have something that is even worse inside you that you don't want anyone else to know about.

No one is completely open because of this. We all have our levels of tolerance, like how much of our insides we can tolerate for the world to see. I happen to have very high tolerance, but I think that is only because I know I can draw the line further to easier hide what is really worth hiding. I'm not just talking law breaking, I'm talking really awful things.

Yeah, there is something that is nagging at me there, wanting to tell but it's like I just can't. Want to push that tolerance even further, be open about exactly everything. And then that crap just showed up from deep in my memories last summer, and I suddenly understood why I've always been a bit uncomfortable around cops. I've been good these last few years at least, so I don't have anything to hide from then on... So yeah, that recent. 2011 I think. My god, what the fuck was up with that year!?

Some years of my life, just saying. Those are: 1998, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2009, 2011 and 2013. I'm starting to see a pattern... so what atrocities are gonna happen to me next year then? There's always something new that sort of strikes me like a lighting from a clear sky, so with a little anticipation I'll look forward to 2015 to see what more crap I'll be getting. Yes, I said anticipation. I'm ambivalent about my future.

But as I said, I'm open about almost everything. I'm comfortable talking about things people don't want to hear. I discuss deeply personal stuff at the dinner table. I'm the one who opens up at a party even before I get my first drink. The only reason I've been holding back IRL lately is because I know people become uncomfortable with me sharing absolutely everything like it's perfectly normal. I'm trying to add in some decency in my life, though I'm not a very decent person and I don't live a very decent life.

Wow, this became a very long entry about openness. The bottom line is that I don't know where to draw the line. Of what is okay or not okay to share about my life. I never tell other people's secrets or even things that I don't know if they are secret or not. You just have my trust completely even if we're just acquaintances. I will take your secrets with me to the grave.

It's when it comes to myself that I just can't keep my mouth shut. It shouldn't be a problem - cause how the hell can being so very open about oneself be a problem? - but it is. Not necessarily a problem I'll take into consideration, but still. People can be embarrassed because of me or even ask me to shut up. Sorry guys, but it's my fucking life and if you don't want to hear it, just shut your fucking ears.

Worth living for

I wish the crew would stop complimenting my hair. Seriously, they've been doing that almost constantly from when I started bleaching it in January. Sure I like getting a compliment every so often, but this is getting ridiculous. What are they trying to achieve? Making me indescribably happy?

I started to scratch myself uncontrollably under the bandage early this morning, half not aware of what I was doing. Not supposed to do that, and I know that in an awaken state, but it's different when I'm half asleep.

I do all sorts of things that I wouldn't normally do then. It's strange, but also understandable. That I'm less inhibited in a way. But it's annoying when I do things that might interfere with the healing process.

My muscles are sore after yesterday's work out. It's annoying and the part I dislike most about exercising. Not quite enjoying it the way most people seem to do. So I'm gonna take it easy today, just gonna have a little walk soon enough. Need to buy vegetables, bread and cigarettes. Mostly it hurts in my shoulders and arms, so a walk couldn't possibly hurt. Not that it would either way though.

But despite the pain it still feels good to finally have gotten myself to the gym. Only took me about three years... Seriously, I think the last time I set my foot in such a place was in Gottsunda during 2011. But then I lived in my parents' house for a year after that, and there were no gyms or likewise facilities nearby. And then I just talked about it for almost two years.

I really hope I'll keep this up now and not get lazy again. As of now my motivation is on top, but of course it can change with time. So hoping it won't. I just won't allow myself to give up again, cause I so need to live now. More than just being alive, I need to actually live my life. It would be so pointless otherwise. Like just wasting air instead of using it, or taking up space instead of needing it.

Living without hopes must be the most painful thing I've ever experienced. What people say isn't possible, that you'd always have hopes left if you're still breathing, but it's not true. I'm living proof that isn't true. But now I have hopes, lots of hopes and dreams and goals in life. Still scared to fail them, still overly cautious about them and always watching my step so that I won't shatter them. But they keep me alive, cause now I depend on them.

When to stop and start

I don't know why, but it's like I just wanna lose weight for the sake of losing weight, if that makes any sense at all. Like the thought has possessed me somehow. Been thinking about it for too long perhaps. When was it I first tried to start losing weight last year? April, May, June? Sometime around there. I remember being so eager to lose it as fast as possible, all 20 kilos or more.

Cause I do wanna be thinner, and in my heart I don't want to stop at 60 kg. 55 would be closer to my actual goal, but not less than 50. Cause that is underweight and I don't want to be scrawny. Just thin enough to not be able to have any sort of curves, you know.

I envy the really thin transguys, cause they have it so much easier in a way. They have a better start than I have/had. I have to work so much harder to get rid of my curves. And it's like I'm willing to do basically anything for that. Now more than ever, cause now I have most of my crazy brain under control, or I'm not so bothered by my craziness, and I can focus on what matters most. What has always mattered most.

Am I really that vain, that the way I look is my number one concern? The question answers itself, or I wouldn't have put it there. Maybe I'm just finally doing what I should have started doing years ago, or maybe I am getting a little obsessed. When the war in my mind is replaced by another kind of war. Me and my wars...

Now I'm starting

I went to the gym. Totally passed (I was a bit worried that I wouldn't) and it was free because it was my first time there. There were a few others there but the place wasn't packed. According to the exercise bike I sat on for nearly 30 minutes I burned 160 calories, dunno if that is much or little, didn't wanna restrain myself too much. I guess the meter wasn't exact either.

Then I just checked out some machines and did a little full body work out, at least so I thought, but I haven't felt this weak and exhausted in a long time. In a very good way of course. Thinking I might drag myself there about twice a week, and continue taking walks every day. Good deal? Cause I'm kinda done being lazy.

Well, just wanted to get a feel for the environment in there really, so I'm not gonna do full body work outs every time. And mostly I wanna work on my upper body, but not exclusively. Haven't really thought that out yet, to be perfectly honest. Take it as it comes, I guess.

Damn, I'm hungry. But I don't want to eat now, I've just burnt calories, don't want to add them again... Gah, my head is empty. Too tired, I guess. Be back later.

Talk and actions

Gonna wait with my walk today, cause I will go to the gym later today, and that's far away enough of a walk. Feels like I'm just all talk and no actions, but I'm planning on changing that now. And hoping my panic won't prevent me from doing so. If I really can't drag my ass to the gym today I'll have to think of something else, like working out at home or something. But I need to work on my condition and I can't really run.

Well I "can" run, it's just that I'd rather not do it. It's restraining in the wrong way. It's restraining for my overly sensitive feet and my knee mostly, which is not desirable. I'm sure you understand. According to my mother, who has the same symptoms about her knees, it's likely a sports injury. Pretty funny, eh?

Cause I don't do and have never really done any sorts of sports (excluding karate in junior high) but still got this seemingly permanent injury after climbing in an old and very long staircase in a church in January last year on a school trip. So eh, gonna have to be a bit careful with that in mind.

Also I don't have the physique for running. And I hate running, probably because of all the above reasons. So I'm not actually being lazy when I refuse to run for a bus or hurry up whenever or wherever. I will just never be fit enough for it. Like ever. And I'm okay with that, the only thing I'm not okay with is other people not being okay with that. Like show some damn respect or something.

People take running for granted, that every fit person is capable of running a lot and without difficulty. They are so stupid to think that (sorry if I hit a nerve on some of you readers). You can be fit in a thousand ways and you don't automatically become good at running just because you work out.

I sucked at running when I practised karate as well. I was at my fittest back then but I still couldn't run without getting exhausted. I could walk miles and miles without getting tired. I could sit on an exercise bike forever and not get tired. I was fit, but running was the only thing I just couldn't do.

So my point with all this ranting is that I won't run as a part of my planned work out. I find other ways, like the exercise bike or a cross trainer for instance. Though I could easily do that before my knee injury, but I might have to be a little more careful now. As far as I'm concerned it is the cartilage behind my knee that is messed up, causing pain and it sort of makes this crunching sound. Very vague and more of a feeling really, but it's not very pleasant.

I don't know but I think I could be making it worse by restraining it. I do that, I know, by crawling around on the floor in my living room when I fix with the coat that I'm making. When it's at its worse I can't even reach down to pick something up from the floor, it hurts to bend the knee. But I can and do put my weight on my left knee instead then.

My mother talked about that she had found ways how to move and stuff to not restrain her knees but she's had that since she was twelve and I've only had this for a year now. At first she didn't quite believe me when I first told her that this damage was permanent, sometime in March or April last year and I had had it for a few months by then. It's a bit long for a spraining, isn't it?

Oh, by the way. I had a sad dream tonight. It wasn't exactly a nightmare, it was just sad really. I dreamt that I saw one of my favourite actors during an event of some sort and he almost died right in front of my eyes. Heart attack or something. This guy was 50 something so not an entirely odd choice of fatality for my brain to make. He survived though, so that was a bit of a relief. But I think it was a tad bit of lucid dreaming there at the end, that I sort of somehow made him survive to make a happy ending to the dream.

A glimpse of the process

Got right back to my sewing project again (like every day for about a week now) and started making fells on the filling fabric. So basically I'm gonna do a second coat in that fabric and sew stuck inside the actual coat. My mother gave me tips that I probably won't take into consideration. She might know a bit about sewing, but she hasn't exactly made a lot clothes from scratch. In that way I know a lot more than she does, so if any, I should be giving her tips.

I think I have an idea how to do it, but I have to fix the seams on the inside of the coat first, to make it look good when I add the filling material. And then sew precisely where the seams already are, which is gonna be tricky. I can barely make a straight seam already as it is, so that will be a challenge. It's hard to undo stitches because the fabrics are so fragile and get damaged when I try. I don't have any of those nifty little needles for the job, so I have to make do with a razor blade. Finally found a good use for those... weapons. Okay, cigarette break is over.

I've sewn it together now, the filling material pieces into one piece, and will soon sew it onto the rest of the coat. Made my first real mistake now. Good that it took so long for that to happen! I did the fell on the wrong side on one of the side pieces, forgot it's supposed to be laterally reversed, but it won't show if you don't think about it.

Having my second cigarette break now with a diet drink as breakfast. Yeah yeah, I know. But at least I get something into my stomach, okay? Some people live on that stuff, you know. Then I'm gonna bleach my hair again today as well. And try not to damage the already white hair in the process. Just the roots.

Now I'm almost finished with the filling material, just have the sleeves left to do. Just realising another awesome thing about making my own coat: I can make the sleeves long enough to fit me! I have long arms and almost all jackets and coats have too short sleeves or the whole piece of clothing is too big. Problem solved.

Started on the sleeve endings, the cuffs, and continued with them up until the point where I'm so tired I can't see clearly. All the details kinda blur. I think that's a good time to stop for today. Don't know if I'll fix my hair later, I'm kinda worn out. Maybe some cigarettes and WoW can take care of that. Though I can't wait too long, gotta sleep some time tonight as well. See, I can't have a job or go to School, I'm all too busy already! Okay, that's enough ranting for now. I just wrote a passage during my cigarette breaks through the day, beginning at around 16:00 o'clock, I think.

A good way to start

I'm a bit distracted. Get into imaginary conversations already though I just woke up. Have a sensation this will be a busy day. If my mind is so clear and intense already, I mean.

It looks warm and sunny outside, a nice day for a walk. For my daily walk. I start with a walk right after my morning coffee these days. Well, my mornings tend to happen at any time of the day. Morning for me is first two or so hours after I wake up; whether it's actually morning, noon or afternoon.

Getting dressed, start my computer, have a coffee and one or two cigarettes, then a fast and short walk around half the block. It's about three or four houses that I walk around and it takes a couple of minutes or so. I think it's effective cause it makes me wake up and stop yawning and stretching uncontrollably.

I have another appointment at the district health care centre May 7th and I need to tell them that this surgical tape is starting to irritate my skin. I've worn such tape every night and day for almost two months now and I think my skin needs to breathe.

I didn't think I'd say this, but I want my dead nipples to fall off now so it can heal faster so that I won't need to wear that tape over them all the time anymore. I want to be free of it, even if that means ugly scars. The scars aren't gonna be pretty anyway, so.

I remember that at the first meeting with the surgeon I was intended to have to begin with, in August, I said that I have no problem with getting more scars. Feels like I have to eat my words now...

Okay, just had my walk. It's even warmer than I thought it was, and my leather jacket was too warm. Used the five step stair up to my apartment floor as a little exercise as well. Walked them up and down a few times. Stairs are good.

Dreading that I have to start eating again when I want to start building muscles. I know you can't starve and expect muscle gain, I've seen and heard of what happens then. You just lose weight and it's restraining and not very rewarding the way you want it to be. If I was way thinner it would eat at my muscles instead of me gaining them, but since I still have a lot of fat to take of (I might not be fat, but my percent of body fat is quite high for a guy of my size) it will most likely just make me lose more of that. My BMI is at 22,7 so it's very much a normal weight for my height. (19-25 is that normal range).

Of course I wanna get thinner, but that is not the way to get toned, if you know what I mean. There's a difference in how to do it depending on what results you want to achieve. I'm not completely clueless. So I don't just have to change what I'm eating, I have to start eating something altogether. I'll look into that later.

Though since I do want to lose more weight I think I can with success make a gradation to eating more and exercise more over time. Start with condition work out while I'm still barely eating should make me lose weight fast, and then start eating more and more as I move on to more heavy exercise. Good deal? That way I won't shock my body into new routines either. At least that is my vague plan just so that I know where to start.

I kinda wanna start right away, but of course the gym is closed today. Tomorrow at 17:00, I'll be there! They're only open between 16:30 and 20:00 so I can't really go there earlier. I'm "solving" the locker room hassle by going there already changed and then I go home for the shower. It's only a ten minutes walk to there so it won't be a problem.

I want to have a hard time explaining why I look so fit to my surgeon at our follow up in the summer. Like he would explain that I wasn't supposed to start with that until later and I'll act like I don't understand why he would accuse me for doing that. I don't know, I could be wrong about that though. I'm just not gonna ask.

Their job vs. my life

That annoying person, my third "contact person" that I had an appointment with today, I just can't stand her. Though I lie my pretty little lies and hope she buys them. Hoping that me being completely honest about a lot of things won't make the lies so obvious. I actually even zoned out when she talked about anxiety, thought to myself that "yadda yadda, heard this a gazillion times already how the hell do I tell her that".

She's annoying because she goes on and on about that I should practice being more self reliant and not let my mother help me so much. I'm trying, really trying to tell her that it's not a problem for either me or my mother. I wish she would just back off already.

I wouldn't say that I despise her, but I don't like what she's trying to do. What her frigging job is and why I'm supposed to deal with her anyway. I didn't ask for that, didn't ask for an annoying woman to tell me what to do. I may be a mentally dysfunctional adult depending a lot on my mother, but as of today I don't want it any other way. It's too soon and I just wish she could back the fuck off.

Maybe next time I'll tell her that. Just straight up ask her what's the damn point with our meetings and why this is being forced upon me. If she'd tell me it's just the way it's supposed to be or whatever, that she "can't" back off, then I'm just not gonna show up at anymore meetings. I hate it how the health care system is such a drag sometimes. Well, it's a lot better on Gotland than it was in Uppsala, that's for sure, but they're still trying to fuck with me over here as well. Protocol my ass, it's my life god damn it.

I might be a hundred people's job but that doesn't give any of them the right to try to control me. I've had it with that. That's how the health care for insane people works in this country. They either completely ignore you and your problems or they become overly protective and try to control you. When the outpatient care acts like you have LPT* but you don't, something is wrong and they have no right to treat me that way. No fucking right, and I'll make sure they know that if it will have to come to that. I feel like a frigging lab rat sometimes.

I've been weak. I've been on my knees begging them to save me from myself when I was at my worst. I may not be strong enough to take care of myself now, but I'm strong enough to take control over a situation spiralling out of control. At least I believe so.

Baby steps. I need to take things in my own pace and that includes everything that I need/want to change in my disastrous life. Right now, I've only been feeling better for a couple of months after how many years of various degrees of misery. It will take time, lots of time before I can learn to stand on my own two feet, if ever. And I'm okay with that. In fact I wouldn't want it any other way. Stressing things like that is a major risk of falling down again, and I don't want to risk that.

It seems my contact persons are taking further steps for me, they go over my head with it. I don't know exactly what to believe, but I'm not okay with whatever it is they're trying to do without my consent. First of all I want to take it easy for a while. Start exercising and change my body. Trying to eat better and sleep better, naturally comes second. Take control over my mind and thoughts/feelings, maybe going back to DBT. Cleaning up my apartment and go through all the boxes with stuff that still lie around unpacked allover my apartment since I moved in a year ago.

So basically I don't want to do anything towards a more independent way of living until at least August or September, if I haven't fallen back again before then, that is. That I should tell that annoying person previously mentioned. I should make up a vague "plan" on what I'm willing to change as of now and bring it to her. If that won't be appreciated I don't know what would.





*LPT means that you're forced to get hospitalised or get other necessary care/help the state can provide, mostly in cases the patient can't make their own decision or are a danger to themselves or others.

Limited

This might be sad, but since I've never felt at home anywhere the last five years since I moved out of my parents' house in 2009 and they moved to Gotland, I think I've found a place. Well it's not exactly a place, but that is my heart. A home I can always take with me wherever I go. I think it's perfect.

They say home is where the heart is, so I thought I'd take it literally. And I love that expression, it's so intense. I've never felt at home in my body, but inside my heart I do feel at home. I trust my crazy heart, it is always right, it is like the actual me.

I keep rediscovering "Weird Al" Yankovic but my favourite song will always be "Amish Paradise". I had forgotten who made me discover him the first time, my just as weird ex. I don't listen to Weird Al out of nostalgia, I'm just not letting myself become musically limited because of who or what made me associate that music with the first time I heard it.

I hold on to tips and advice from past loves and interests. Even that weird guy in WoW, who said playing a mage would get less boring later on, and I gave it a try and stuck to it, even though it undeniably makes me think of him. Even though he wasn't quite an interest or a loved one, not even close, but in his eyes I was. And that's enough to make it a tad awkward. But I persist, cause the advice was still good, I think.

Still trying to level that mage that is still boring as fuck. Like one or two useful attacks, no instant spells and difficult to play even with heirlooms at level 16. Though I don't have a full set of heirlooms, haven't been able to afford the rest yet. So I take them piece by piece. So hopefully he'll be easier to play with a full set, I mean.

Took almost 30 minutes to find something to wear today. Even screamed and hit the closet out of frustration. Man, I hate this shit. I have nice pants now, but all my button down shirts are too big. Or all but three. I need to buy more, cause I don't wanna wear t-shirts. Nothing wrong with t-shirts, I just don't feel like wearing them.

So I'm thinking I'm gonna buy a bunch of those. I want cobalt/royal blue, purple and black. That should be enough for a while. I'm off to Visby in 10 minutes so gotta post this now. Don't know how to end this post but hey, who cares.

And I keep sewing

Okay, I'm done with the collar. It was fairly easy and turned out nice. I left it open in the front, so that I can shove something in between the two layers to make it more stiff. Been working on how to design the front, where and how the buttons are gonna be, and how far I want them to go. Well depends on how many I can find, but I want at least seven down front, three on each sleeve and three on each of two pockets, which makes it 19 in total.

The buttons are gonna be important, so I need to start searching for them. Buttons and filling material, the rest I have at home. Got enough sewing thread to make a whole closet of clothes and I have a nice silvery thread/yarn that I can embroider with. If I would want to. We'll see if I'll have the patience for that, but it would surely look cool and probably take all summer and half the autumn.

Damn it, my knee is getting too restrained now. It does that these days, and now after having fixed around in my apartment for hours I can't even reach down to the floor without feeling like someone's crushing my knee with a mallet or something equally painful. Good thing I have another knee that works just fine.

I don't feel like I'm 25 when I get tired so quickly and my body starts aching for no reason. I think my body has confused me with a 45 year old's. But I'm stubborn and persistent so I'll probably keep fixing and sewing until the sun goes down and then I'll have to sleep for thirty hours to get some rest.

Now I'm gonna continue with the front of the coat, I've already started a bit. I'm pretty sure the fabric will be enough for it now. Will most likely even be some left of it by the time I'm done.

Phases and thoughts

Thought I had "out grown" the goth phase, but who am I kidding? You can't out grow goth, goth out grows you! I think I'll keep my hair the way it is, and maintain it, for a while. At least over the summer. I think it looks really cool with all the black, red and purple clothes that I wear in leather and cotton. As with black hair, white also matches everything. And it also gives a nice contrast to it.

I remember when I had red hair, how limited I was with colours on my clothes. I was in my "punk princess" phase then, and had to abstain from my pink (cerise) shirts and make up. I don't even like pink anymore, and I don't like having red hair, but just proving a point. That I don't like having an actual colour on my hair. It's either black, white or silver. Though the blue was kinda nice.

It's a bit freeing to have short hair, I must admit. It was so much work with the long hair especially when washing and drying it. Now of course I have to style it when I go outside if I don't wanna look like a troll, and still need to pamper it with conditioners and white toners. But just hanging around at home it's not in the way, doesn't fall into my face all the time and tickle me, doesn't tangle, dries fast and so on.

Oh, I've begun to write again as well. In my autobiography, that is. Time is drawing near the end of my transition from female to male and that means I feel more compelled to get going with that book. I counted the pages I've written in it so far and it's right now on 91. I think when I'm done it will be around maybe 150 pages give or take a few. In fonts times new roman, size 14. Kinda standard that way.

Plans for today

I don't sleep with a t-shirt on anymore. It's just not comfortable and I feel no need to since the surgery. I'm still smiling when I can just put on a jacket and shoes when I go outside, not having to worry about how my chest looks like. I'm still checking automatically before I realise.

Today I'm gonna go through my clothes that I put away a long time ago because they were too small, and see if any of them fit now. Then I'm gonna take some measurements and maybe order something from Odium Clothing before their business shut down. I've got till May 5th to decide, but should preferably do that before then.

I will make this promise, that I will never gain all that weight again. I've had two massive weight gains in my life and both were because of side effects from drugs I was taking. So, since that has been the only real reason for me to gain weight I say it's fairly simple to avoid that in the future.

Then of course I'm gonna continue sewing. Think I'm gonna start with the collar and front stuff first. Now I'm getting to the trickier parts which require ideas for design, lots of thinking how to best make it work, trying and failing, obscure thinking and patience. Cause I'm gonna design most of that entirely from scratch basically and I've never sewn anything like that before. Closest would be a button down shirt that I remember doing in 9th grade but never finished.

However, I haven't tailored that many clothes from scratch actually. Three or four skirts (skirts are way easy to make), two dresses, one simple shirt for the medieval week in Visby with a pair of matching pants, two other pairs of pants (but pants are hard for me to make and they didn't turn out so good), a huge and heavy velvet cloak, a robe kinda replica from WoW and a simple hood to go with it. I think that's it. Then there's a few things that I never finished as well though. So making an outdoors coat is quite a big project for me.

But anyway. Just gonna play a little WoW now before I get going with that again. Be back later. Oh, damn. Just realised something. My sewing machine can't make zig-zag seams so I probably have to do that by hand... annoying.

My latest crafting obsession

Continued fixing with my coat today. The one I'm gonna make. It's fair to say it's the biggest tailoring project I've done so far. Four metres of fabric and after cutting out back piece and front pieces I wonder if it's gonna be enough left for the sleeves. If not I better hurry up and go back to the store and see if they have more of it. I'm still not sure if I'm gonna make it as the robe since it's more purple than I initially wanted it to be, or if I'm gonna make it look differently. More goth/victorian/renaissance inspired.
I think that would be awesome too, in that thick deep purple velvet. Yes, I think I'll go for that and then I can be stunningly eye catching when walking around wearing it down town. Ughh, I'm out of energy now. I want to do more, but I'm too tired.

I have as I said, cut out the three pieces that make the body of it, or what to say, and sewn them together. Fits perfectly! So it's like a sleeveless, very long coat with rough edges right now. Then I need to get going with the sleeves, so that I'll know if the fabric is gonna be enough for them.

After that, I'm planning on fixing the front, where the coat closes and the collar, around there and stuff. Find buttons for it. If I'm thinking right it's gonna be a lot of them and they need to match. Preferably in a silver metallic material and a bit fancy.

The fabric won't be enough, on second thought. Not for the collar and sleeve endings and all that as well, since I'm gonna do it in the same colour and stuff. Think I'll do some embroidery on it as well. But lighter or darker? If darker it would be black but since that purple is so dark I wonder if it's gonna show. Silver would be nice too, to match the buttons. How about doing ankh symbols with swirls around them as a repetitive pattern? On the sleeve endings, the collar and down the front. That's gonna be one hell of a project...

Good thing I have a big apartment now. Lots of space to work on. The floor in my living room has become my work area when measuring and cutting the pieces, and then I have my sewing machine in the kitchen. I have no idea when this coat is gonna be done, but probably during the summer or maybe sooner if I keep it up in this pace. It's not gonna be much simpler than the robe I intended at first, but not that hard either. Just time consuming. I'm gonna need a lot of references and probably a lot of patience too.

Sad though, that nice fabric is so expensive. I get why new clothes cost a fortune, cause so does the damn fabric they're made of. This little thingy will probably land on something between 500 and 1000 kr. Though if I could find something like that on the market it wouldn't be cheap then either. Thousands, if I decide to make the embroidery as well. So, it's totally worth making it. Knowing it's gonna be kinda unique and a totally awesome coat to wear.

Something like this:

Or this:

Can't just leave it alone

I've noticed something. When people don't understand what someone is saying they rather maim them than try to understand. I'm reading up on some threads in a favourite online forum, and there's a new member there. That doesn't happen every day, it's still a rather small community. I say "still" because I've been a member there since just a few months after it was created, somewhere in either 2009 or 2010. Can't remember exactly.

Anyways, this new member seem to have a rough time trying to "fit in" with the established group and jargon there. (Maybe this is why there comes new members so seldom there?) I think I understand her just fine, but everyone else are so mean to her. I don't know what to say, cause I don't think I can explain what it is that I understand that the rest of the members quite obviously don't.

They are always so sensitive there and seem to have a hard time accepting new ideas and thoughts about things discussed there. I won't say which forum it is, but maybe some of you know which it is that I'm talking about. I like that forum, I really do, but sometimes it tends to become a little... elitistic.

I've obviously learned the jargon there since I'm one of the veterans, but I get tired of it sometimes. That I have to keep certain things to myself because I'm afraid they will start hacking on me too. Some subjects are just to be avoided in some situations, and some are to be avoided in all situations.

Many of my friends seem to think alike, and maybe cause that was the way I thought back when we became friends. Heavy on the "was" there. I change a lot and quicker than most people around me. I'm a like a sponge to new information and leave a lot of my opinions open for discussion, open for change. Thus, my personality is not fixed as would be the general way to exist.

I would not say it's hard to keep the friends I've had for a long time, it's more that I get more and more careful with what comes out of my mouth. Even when I'm drunk. Cause I don't want to create fights over my changed opinions and let them know that all of a sudden we're not so alike anymore. Cause I don't care about that. Being alike is not an important thing for me when it comes to friends. Keeping good friends is important.

Like my mother I encourage differences, cause that can make you grow as a person and you have something to discuss. But I also know that most people don't seem to share that opinion. Not really, not when it comes down to it. People want to have the same political views, the same religion or the lack there of, the same taste in music, same style of choice and so on. I can take a little battle over why I like a certain music artist that I'm not "supposed" to like. I can explain why I don't want to be a vegetarian and that's okay too and even kinda necessary. And I'm willing to talk about why I'm a Satanist and why I don't like Christianity as well. But I am open minded about religion, I really am.

But what I don't want to go into all the time is why I dislike the general idea of feminism, why animal rights are so boring to listen to, why I don't believe in a criminal justice system and so on. Things like that are just too exhausting to go into a battle with. And what's the point? Why would I feel a need to justify my beliefs? To get followers? I know there are people who agree with me somewhere out in the world, however insane or criminal they are, I'm not alone with my views. And even if so, what does it matter? Wouldn't that be sign of insecurity? And I'm not insecure, I'm just careful. Could be killed for less, you know.

Nah, I don't feel a need to bring it up. Not really and not all the time. Though sometimes it can be important to speak up if I feel a bit suffocated in a room full of people all agreeing on something I do not. Because my opinions are allowed to exist as well.

Well, back to the topic. I sense that that new member in that forum is a bit like me in a way. That she too has opinions that are a bit obscure or simply just different from the forum's jargon. And she gets maimed for it, because people refuse to understand and continuously reed between the lines and get offended for no good reason. They are so easily offended, it's tragic. I believe they have all right to be, but come on, you're human beings just like everyone else, you don't have to take everything personal all the time.

She has strong arguments, opinions that she has the right to have, but keeps getting misunderstood and I don't know if I should try to "rescue" her from the crowd. I'm not good at that, but I have done so a few times in previous situations. My motivation is that I simply care for outsiders, because I was like that too not so long ago, and I know what it's like to feel everyone is against you. 

I guess my reputation on the forum is important as well and I also guess I'm a bit afraid of becoming misunderstood myself if I do so. I have to think up a good argument that will be as solid as I can make it, without offending anyone. Wish me luck...

Changes

Slept fairly well tonight. Apart from the dreams about embarrassing conversations, illegal immigrants, molested nuns and a guy torturing someone.

So how long am I gonna have nightmares for? It feels like I don't really get any rest from sleeping, like I wake up exhausted in need for some real rest. Though I know that they reflect the fears that I carry. Fears for the present and the future.

What are my fears? I'm not sure. But I think it's about the complications after my surgery, of not passing, of never being able to be anywhere close to happy, about dying. Those are the general, I suppose. The biggest fears that haunt me today.

Anxiety about what may or may not happen. How things will turn out and how long it's gonna take, what is out of my power. I rarely fear what is in my power to change, things that I can change. I'm willing to change now, just give me the possibility to do that.

It's like I think I have the means, but not able to use them. Like I know what to do but have to wait until I can do it. The thought has occurred to me, that maybe I'm willing to take the risks and start anyway, without waiting. Cause I've waited too damn long already.

We'll see what I'll do, if I can figure it out. Cause I've gotta change, while the energy is still in me, before I collapse and give up again. I don't want to allow that to happen, but it's not that simple. It just happens, you know. And I want to remember this year as the year when I finally turned things around. Yes, this year, not the next or the one after that.

If that means beating odds or risking things, I don't care. So be it. There are always risks, with everything that is worth fighting for. But is my life worth fighting for? Well, technically it's the only thing I have to fight for, and that's enough of a reason. I'm done waiting.

Hoping

I'm still bargaining. Still trying to understand why this happened. Why me? Okay that is a stupid question. But I just counted on it to go so well for some reason, cause you know I should have known better by now. Though I just somehow knew it was gonna take two operations. Maybe more now, I don't know. I don't know how this can be corrected. Maybe they can take skin from somewhere else and hope that will stick. Or I'll just have scars instead of nipples.

That chest piece tattoo I want suddenly seems more alluring to get. And maybe somehow expand it to cover the scars. I don't know. Maybe they won't turn out so bad? Yeah, keep hoping. I scar so easily and they show. Even though my skin is almost as pale as the healed scars, at least on my arms. But it's different kind of skin there. I don't know. I don't know anything as of now.

I'm trying not to think about it. Fill my head with world of warcraft and tumblr instead. But scrolling makes my head hurt more, so not so much tumblr then. Just gonna play some more and then go to bed. Wash my face, brush my hair (it's easy these days) and brush my teeth. Aiming for a shower tomorrow or the day after. Hopefully I can sleep well tonight too. Doesn't hurt to hope at least. For better days, I mean.

What I can manage

Ah, finally a good night's sleep! And waking up almost alert at 9:11 (no kidding, that was what the time was when I opened my eyes, and I sleep with my cell phone right next to my pillow). So today I'm heading off to my family's place, sometime during the afternoon. Time for some listening to Concrete Blonde, as I lately kinda discovered them. Friends, you expand my music preferences. Just so you know.

My headache has gone down to a manageable level though still a bit intense. More than usual, that is. I think I'm still a bit drugged from the pills I took last night as well. Oh well, I took them for to get high but didn't think the effect would last for ten hours. Not that I complain though. Pathetic, I know. It's too hot in here and I crave more oxygen than normally.

And I smoke too much. Gonna go back to using nicotine patches again so maybe I can keep it down a bit. Need to go to the drug store to buy more. That, and more bandage, pledgets really. But who many knows that word? I didn't.

They changed my favourite diet drink. I don't like it. I think it's all the protein that makes it taste weird. I'm hungry, don't know what to do. The thought of food disgusts me and I don't think I can eat. Anything. My food and sleep problem still persist even though I feel better these days. Though those problems sure tries to bring me down. Sometimes they succeed. Now back to WoW.

When there's no escape

Let's talk about pain. It does things to you. It makes you do things you didn't think you'd ever do. As a kid I never wanted to drink or do drugs, I swore I'd never do that. I never got desperate enough to take a whole bottle of pills or get so drunk I couldn't stand on my own feet cause I couldn't deal with my headache. Because I wanted to escape.

I remember the first few months after it got chronic. I was sixteen and just wanted to lead a normal life, go to school and meet new friends. Become something, have a job that I didn't hate. Of course I still wanted to be different, that's not what I mean. It was so hard to come to terms with it and accept it. It took almost a year before I gave up on trying to understand and cure it.

Now when I take something, recommended dosage of painkillers or something more of a dangerous amount, I just try to get rid of the worst of it. It never works anymore. Not even morphine and I think it's because it isn't physical anymore. There's this thing with our brains, it remembers pain and can make you experience it even if you aren't actually in pain anymore. It's hard to explain, cause I don't fully understand it.

There is no cure, there is nothing I can do. Most days I accept it, try to work around it somehow, anyhow. Find my limits, when to stop or slow down. I can't even go to School anymore. It is that disabling, cause after one or two School days in a row it becomes so strong I have to go home and rest for a week. Aside from the other mental problems that hits the roof at about that time or even sooner. With slight social anxiety, dysphoria, psychotic symptoms and a splitting headache you just don't work in society.

It makes me nuts sometimes, all of that, but I can handle most of it, with rest and time, but not the headache. Psychotic episodes eventually fade, dysphoria goes down when I'm back at home again, social anxiety goes away when I'm away from social situations. But the headache never goes away. Ever. It doesn't matter how much I rest or whatever I do or don't do.

I wish there was something that could be done about it. My ideas have been everything from crazy to stupid. Like when I want to literally be beheaded or when I cut myself only to ease the headache. Sometimes it works a bit, the latter that is, which is kinda sad.

Right now I'm worried I'd get a fever. Cause if I do it's likely an infection and I have to go to the emergency ward. Don't want to spend my Easter that way.

Anna says: Don't be afraid of your own body.
I respond: There's nothing I am more afraid of.

Denial and bargaining

Started a little with my coat/robe today, but my head is killing me so I couldn't continue. Took some measurements and cut out a large piece of fabric for the back part of it. I bought 4 metres of a lovely deep purple, velvet fabric. Fake of course, but very nice still in a thick, very smooth texture. Only a tailoring nerd like myself would find something to complain about it, if you catch my drift.

I still feel weird from yesterday and hesitating to take a shower, though I probably need one. Detached words from yesterday's conversations with the doctors and with my mother echo inside my head like little stones in an empty barrel. I can't understand. I knew my body reacts weird with healing, I knew it from all the piercings I've tried to have and I yet I went for the transplanted procedure.

I should have known, shouldn't I? Yet, there wasn't that much of other options, I knew that too. But couldn't I at least have thought about it? I mean I've had that surgery on my mind since I was 19 at least. Some time during those years from then on that thought should have popped up, shouldn't it?

I'm going through the five stages of grief and I'm currently shifting between denial, isolation and bargaining. Skipped anger though, or just haven't gotten there yet. Losing my tits was just getting rid of something that wasn't supposed to be there to begin with, like a tumour or something, but losing my nipples... well, that sort of feels like actually losing something. And I can't describe it, I'm not even sure if I want to.

So I'm trying to fill my head with nonsense instead. Something, anything, to keep my thoughts off that subject. But I feel so weak, physically, like as soon as I try to do something away from the computer I get tired so quickly and my head starts hurting more than I can handle. I can't focus on movies or books or embroidering right now. Can barely focus on WoW, barely on anything at all.

Run away

My head hurts, my hands shake and I can't think properly. It's so messy with thoughts and I keep messing it up on purpose so that I won't have to think about... earlier today. Just need to get it off my mind for now, but I just can't.

Went through some of my clothes again and found a pair of jeans I thought still were too small but they fit fine now. They were a bit baggy so I decided to alter them a bit so that they fit tighter around my butt. Turned out well.

Then I sew on a few patches of embroidery that I've made, on a favourite jacket I've had for a long time now. It's not been worn so much, mostly due to the fact I've been too big for it most of the time, but now I will use it more. I could still lose a few more pounds and still fit into it.

Also I've been writing a lot and played WoW as intensively as I can but just keep getting bored with it. I want to do something real. I want that blue fabric so that I can start making that coat. Will probably force my mother to go with me to a special store for that in Stockholm, but I'd like to get it earlier if I can.

There was this one in Hemse that I sort of considered. It was a little pattern, barely visible and more of a structure, but the right colour and durable enough, I think. Don't know what it costed. Should I take it or wait until I find something better?

Just ate something, so now my hands don't shake anymore, and I tried to watch a movie but got bored after ten minutes. I'm running away from reality but I have nowhere to go.

Raging calm

So I just got back from my doctor's appointment, and things don't look so good. Not good at all. I told them maybe I should have gone there sooner, but they said it probably wouldn't have helped anyway. I'm in this raging calm where I'm trying to understand things. Trying to tell myself it could have been worse somehow.

From outside, you wouldn't be able to tell a difference, my chaos is locked inside me. Maybe it will show more as I will come to terms with these news, but I don't know. What news? I'm gonna lose my nipples. They're dead. Thought it was just scabs, but no, I was wrong. That was the nipples themselves. The ickyness underneath must have been the flesh/fat tissue I saw.

The only good thing is that it doesn't seem to be infected and I don't have a fever and it doesn't hurt. But yeah, they're gonna fall off in time. I have a new appointment on Tuesday, hopefully my doctor has gotten in tough with my surgeon by then and we'll figure out what to do. Just one sentence: bad things always happen to me.

Well, at least I never liked or wanted sensation in my nipples, so it's not like I lose something I'd miss terribly much. More worried about how it's gonna look to be honest. Very worried about that, but trying to let time take care of things for a while and do what is necessary instead. To heal would be priority number one, then take care of the rest. That's it for now, I'll keep you posted.

To stop the worry

Crashed on the sofa earlier this morning, instead of going to my bed. Didn't want to oversleep. Stayed up too late but the pills never had any effect. They do that sometimes, absolutely nothing. Don't know what's up with that.

I have an appointment booked at the district health care centre in less than an hour to check up what's wrong with the healing process, or to be told that I worry too much. I hope it's the latter. So that the dream I had a few nights ago in which I went to have it checked five weeks post op really was a future dream then. Or just some good advice. Okay, just gonna change and fix my hair now.

Things to hold on to

I feel very weird today, like I'm nervous, tired and want to cry all at the same time. I don't know why. After another hour or so I could finally sleep last night, and I think most of that energy I wanted to hold on to got lost while I was asleep. And now I just feel weird for no apparent reason.

This weird feeling didn't seem to go away. It's like I'm questioning myself in a way I didn't think I'd ever do again. Just testing, perhaps. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to disappear from my body, like I'm a stranger in it again. Or still, always have been. But it's been easier the last month due to the surgery. So now the dysphoria is back or what?

Moving around in the village made me almost crumble today. I just didn't know how to move, where to look or anything. I didn't want to restrain myself before strangers and possible acquaintances to pass, yet I feared not passing for the life of me. Yeah, dysphoria is hitting me in the face today. Trying to calm myself down, telling myself that I do pass, that I haven't been misgendered in almost a year. That is a long time, exceptionally long time for me.

And still... I don't know, I can't control these damn feelings. They're eating me up. It's not just dysphoria, but it's related to the fact that I think I'm too fat as well. But maybe that is linked, cause sure I'm too fat everywhere, but it's worst around my butt, thighs and stomach; which is what is left of what still gives me female curves. That is my main concern and I just can't figure out how the hell I'm supposed to be able to lose more weight.

I know, just losing weight won't make me thinner where I want and not where I don't want, but look at it this way: how many skinny people have you seen with a huge butt? None, because they are skinny allover.

I hate vegetables and I hate eating altogether so the only damn things I can eat are sandwiches and chicken noodles. Everything else is just unthinkable. And exercise? Well, I'm not supposed to do that now and I just can't go the gym. I don't know why, but I panic.

So it's like I'm stuck in a hopeless situation and it's starting to become unbearable. The only time I actually lost weight was when I ate regularly and sparsely, like on a schedule, when I was at the hospital last summer. I can't do that on my own.

It's all just out of my power and I'm sick of it! Why can't I change!? Why was I given a body I would do nothing but hate? I won't do anything radical on my own, but I can't wait forever either. Time is the only thing I have and I have given it time. I've given it everything I fucking have. But it's never enough. Can't believe I'm so vain and obsessed with my body and the way I look, it's insane.

I think this is beyond transsexualism. Most other people I've met in that similar situation don't hate their bodies the way I hate mine. Of course they had/have dysphoria on bad days too, but not all the time. They didn't talk about crying when they saw themselves in the mirror, or having to shower with the light turned off, like I do. I avoid mirrors on my good days, or if I do look in a mirror I make sure I only look at one specific thing, like my hair or make up or clothes. Never the whole lot of it.

On bad days I cover or take away my bathroom mirrors completely to not accidentally see myself in them. On bad days I don't shower. On really bad days I don't show myself in public no matter what. On good days I just want to lose weight and gain some muscles. On bad days I want to stop eating and cut the fat away. Today is a bad day.

Sometimes meditating helps. My own, special kind of meditation that goes against normal guidelines. Where I sit as perfectly still as I possibly can in a small, confided space in total darkness. Music so that I won't hear myself breathe. But focusing on my breathing, keep it calm and in rhythm. It's as close to disappearing that I can come.

It's just that some of my ghosts still bother me, you know. I choose to say "ghosts" instead of demons, because you all know how I feel about that expression. All demons aren't evil, I'm a demon and I'm not evil. And I don't want to be associated with evil. Ghosts might not be evil either, but they can be scary and can cause you to worry, and they haunt you. My ghosts definitely haunt me.

I don't think I'm depressed or anything like that today though, cause a few things sure made me smile on Facebook and such. Holding on to that, of course, (clutching so tightly) but still I feel like shit. Had plans for my new soon to be sewing project, to make the Frozen Shadoweave Robe from WoW as an outdoors coat. I'll post along a picture of a screen shot, if you're interested in how it looks. (My main character Izanami is posing for the picture.) So yeah, I'm trying not to let my dysphoria wear me down completely today. Sometimes it's just better to try thinking of something else and move on.

Deny sleep

I didn't invite sleep. I lied in my bed, trying to fall asleep but all these ideas and things I wanted to do kept popping up and I just wanted to get up and do those things. I didn't invite sleep even though I wanted it.

Things to do later today:
- Buy blue fabric for that coat/robe I want to make.
- Go to the grocery store to buy milk and butter.
- Go to the gym and pay for one visit, stay there for 30 minutes to an hour, doing some spinning or work on my lower body, just check it out.
- Start measuring and planning how I should sew that coat/robe, expand the ideas.
- Continue the embroidery and perhaps finish up the one I've already started on.

And yeah, I guess that's it. I should call the crew and ask for help with the dishes as well. Call my mother and whine about my wounds. If I'll get any sleep tonight it would be a miracle. My head is on fire, all the thoughts spinning around in it. Ideas, inspiration, creativity and necessities.

I just want to work on that energy before I lose it again. It feels like trying to hold sand with just your hands, that energy is just slipping away between your fingers no matter how hard you try to hold on to it.

I think maybe I waited too long to go to bed. That I stayed up for too long and the pills' effect wore off. I broke through them and it was too late for getting any sleep. If I take more I will most likely sleep through the whole day, which I really don't want to. So I'd rather just not sleep then.

Thinking stuff

I haven't had that much to report this weekend. I had my birthday, well technically that is today, but I celebrated it with my family on Saturday. And then I stayed one night there as well. No, two nights.

I'm going to Stockholm next Tuesday (meeting in Huddinge, you know) and my mother is coming along to guide and support me as usual. So I'm trying to figure out what to say at that meeting, and what to do in the city afterwards. Cause the ferry won't depart until 19:30 or something like that. Could have been 20:30 for all I know. Late, however, and the meeting ends at... roughly estimated 15:00 o'clock. So a lot of hours doing absolutely nothing, whatever or anything.

I don't even remember who it is I'm gonna have that meeting with. A new person for me, I think. Apparently it was important, but other than that I don't know. What I can think of is that it could be regarding the top surgery I just sort of recently had done. But other than that I really have no idea what we're supposed to discuss during that meeting. I know sort of what I want to ask and stuff, but somehow I don't think that would be the right person or the right meeting for it.

Yes, there will be another meeting, sometime in July, but I don't know exactly when it's gonna be yet. That will be with the usual people I meet there, so this one next week is a bit of I don't understand what it's supposed to be for. I guess I will find out when I'm there. Hopefully it's not just gonna be a ten minutes chat with information they could have given me on the phone. It's just that it's so damn far to travel there and back again, so it just seems to damn pointless if it isn't gonna be more than that.

I want shitloads of information, lots of too damn private questions asked and discussed for at least an hour. Call me weird, but that's just me.

I want to go to the gym tomorrow. Got to, want to, need. I wanna be in shape for the summer, or at least in better shape than I am in now. Missed taking a walk today, but I'll make up for it tomorrow. And I'm gonna make my mother call the district health care centre, cause I'm really getting worried about my nipples now. They don't seem to heal, like at all. Some of the scabs are falling off, around the edges, but the stitches are still there and it just doesn't look that good.

It might not be the best source, but I've seen a lot of YouTube videos of other transguys post op, and their scabs fell off after about two or three weeks. It's been five weeks now for me, and as I said, not so much progress. Especially as the horizontal wounds healed up fast and nicely. Probably gonna have a little chat with Satan next time he shows up and ask what the hell is this, keep your fucking side of the bargain!

Yeah, I still hear him speaking to me sometimes. Just out of the blue he seems to show up. Is it the real Satan or just a hallucination? Well, people have heard the voice of God for centuries, so why not? I think it could be, but I can never be sure of course. Cause if he isn't real, then blimey it's weird that all my prayers came true.

I'm trying to embroider The Birthday Massacre's logo on a piece of black cloth as a patch for a jacket. I'm not using the cross stitch method this time. Found an old jeans vest with patches I had made myself through embroidery and they look really good. So it kinda sparked an interest or piece of inspiration for making more of those, but with bands that I listen to nowadays.

Back then it was mostly metal, and now it's more goth and genres similar to goth like dark wave, synth, ebm and such. First I though that Bauhaus is simple to make, but then I remembered that I never listen to them and I'm not so much into them. Never really was. So I decided The Birthday Massacre for starters (still can't stop listening to them) and then maybe I'll move on to

And yes, I've already made one of Men Without Hats, just the logo and not the band name, in cross stitches. And I made a tiny ankh as well. But in the future if I want to make the band names I need to use this other method. I don't know what it's called, but I'll post a picture when I'm done and you can figure it out yourselves. If I finish it, that is.

A space for weird people

I just remembered something. When I was at Läkarvillan today, early afternoon, I got this kinda quirky tips from a guy there. He said that somehow ingesting lactic acid would completely take care of one's acne. Like okay, I know I've got some skin problems and it's kinda obvious, but come on. That wasn't very sleek.

But yeah, that must have been the craziest piece of advice I've gotten in a long time. And then he asked around what you can do to fix a red nose (which he had) and I was this close to tell him to dip it in bleach. Just that close, but I managed to restrain myself.

Then there was this other guy, or what to say, older man might be more suitable, who kinda came on to me. Like his hands were just a little too close to my thighs. He's 80+ and completely creepy and I can't understand a word he says. I was gone from that place quite ASAP. The men there do tend to creep me out more than the women, but not exclusively so.

Perhaps it's stupid or weird, but I sometimes think that whenever some older man is hitting on me I get that feeling that he thinks I'm a girl. Yes that tends to happen quite a lot, I've noticed. Too bad none of those men have been interesting in the right way, cause I don't mind a little age difference. However, it's either self awareness or dysphoria, I think. Or general insecurity, as I know many older people tend to misgender me more often than those younger than around 50. It makes me nervous if I think someone is doubting what gender I am, even if I have no reason to worry.

I don't think I really hang out with anyone of my own age on this island. They're all at least 20 years older for some reason. Nothing wrong with that, but yeah, I feel like a lost kid a lot. Especially since many of them are like motherly/fatherly caring of me. And I seriously don't need that crap. Maybe I do need a father figure though. Just maybe.

Cause yeah I do have biological father still living with and married to my mother, but we have never been close really. A part of me kinda misses that sometimes. So I'm not really looking for a father figure, I just happen to end up in the same rooms with such men quite a lot. So maybe I'm just sort of drawn to them because of that, I mean.

Though at Läkarvillan there are no such men, cause a bit of a thing we all there seem to have in common is that we're not so independent/sovereign. We're special needs kinda people and the state pays for the house so that we can go there to talk and bond or something like that. Honestly I'm not sure what good it can do. But I have a sensation that I'm not the only one there not able to either study or hold a job. And that's what it's there for, or at least so I've heard.

All the time, the same thing

Oddly enough, it's now easier for me to fight as discipline in WoW than as shadow specialised. The simplest reason for that is that I can protect my character a lot better. The downsides are that it takes longer and costs vastly more mana.

I'm still trying to keep my smoking down as much as possible without going mad with cravings. I found that the best way to do that is to keep using the patches and stick to normal strength cigarettes. In that way I don't have a need to smoke for nicotine, I only have to satisfy my psychological addiction to the smoke itself. It can go hours between cigarettes or just a few minutes, but for no apparent reason.

I'm so tired still, even though it was two hours ago I woke up. Sat just staring at the insides of my eyelids for 30 minutes as I sat up in my bed, trying to wake up enough to put on my clothes. Got to bed a little late this morning, at approximately 3:00 or 4:00 o'clock, so that explains some of the drowsiness. The rest of it is simply because I'm always frigging tired and it's always hard for me to wake up no matter what.

The only times I wake up alert is when I sleep so bad I can't go back to sleep and I have hundred things I wanna do the following day. It needs to be a combination of those two or it doesn't work, so it happens very seldom. Perhaps once a months with a few exceptions. Not even nowadays when I'm feeling better. I think I'm sort of glowing...

I hereby devote this day to caffeine and world of warcraft. Things are becoming seriously repetitive there now, by the way. I've done over 3000 quests with my main character and most of them are the same dailies over and over again. Fixing around in the farm is more and more a necessary thing rather than amusing. Cause I need them to make food for the stat buffs.

I still don't quite have epicly good gear, so I need more intellect if I can get it, and the food alone gives +300 for an hour at a time. I don't necessarily need a lot better gear in my own opinion. I don't suck and I can handle myself in most daily quests. It's a bit of a challenge somtimes but that keeps me busy and it's less boring as it requires some concentration. What I can't do is fighting rares and more than 3 normal monsters at the same time without dying. I would be able to handle a lot more as discipline if it wasn't for the mana.

So, I'm still playing a lot and really digging my nose into that world, even though I log off a lot and do something else in between whiles. I hate levelling between levels 30 to 35. The zones suck and the quests are boring. If I get a new character to a "higher" level I usually stop playing them around level 30 because of this.

Oh and yeah, something is wrong the track of Lady Gaga's song "Poker Face" on my cell phone Spotify app. It's a piano melody. Just a piano playing. It is the right song, I can assure you. But is there even a piano playing in the original song? And it sounds the same with or without headphones, so it's not a stereo effect that I've missed with my deaf ear. I find that rather odd, and I can't for the life of me figure out why it's acting so strange. The song sounds the way it should on my computer, so it's not the track itself that way. And no other song acts like that, of hers or any other artist. It sounds kinda cool in a way though.

Soon gonna go to that weird place with creepy people who always wanna see and compliment my embroidery again. I hate that, but what can I do? Just sit there with a forced smile and nod and say thank you until they stop that shit. I don't mind a compliment every now and then, but seriously, these people are at it every god damn time. Am I really that boring that no one has anything else to say to me? Is that what it's about?

Now I'm probably gonna hear a lot about my hair instead. Sigh. I crave change and creativity, but not for credit and attention. Definitely not for attention. Possibly my own but that's all and not the same thing. Because I get so bored with the way I look and creativity is my way of surviving. The only real interest I've ever had. Expanding of course, but still limited. Okay, gonna go change now. Put on something decent and clean.