I've come to realising something. Yes, I'm perfectly aware of that I start off probably half of all these blog entries this way... Anyway, the aha-moment for today is something I should probably find devastating, but I guess I'm either not taking it seriously or that I'm too tired to care. What it is, is that I think I'm not supposed to lead a good life here. I mean, maybe it's not a curse, but a lesson? If I was so damn happy as I believe I was back in Dala, haven't I gotten enough of joy, fluffy pink clouds, love, harmony and bliss there? That all there is left to learn is how to live in misery? The "I've been to heaven and now I am in hell" sort of thing, cause I split it up that way.
To first learn all about the good and bright things in one life, and then learn about all the bad and dark shit in the next? Not so strange I was immortal in the good life - cause who would want to leave that behind? And also not so weird I'm a stinking human in this life - bound to live a rather short life in comparison. (Even if I live to 80 it's still a short life in my terms). It suddenly makes sense! I'm not meant to be happy here, we live to learn just as much as we learn to live. And all I had left to learn was this, being fucking miserable.
And that means something else too. Something that on the other hand is a great relief and puts a smile on my face. That this is what I have left to do. I have nothing more to learn. Not so much need for that performance anxiety I have, in other words. What I mean by that is that I quite often feel as if I won't be able to finish what I'm supposed to do in this life before it's too late. The performance anxiety about living.
After this life I'm done and can go back home! Oh how sweet, indeed! No, I'm still not opting for suicide, I'm just saying that I shouldn't have to worry about getting reincarnated again. Which I really don't want to, cause I'm tired of this. Tired of living, it exhausting and I doubt I had any time at all to rest between Dala and Sweden. I was pretty much thrown in here head first. I mean, I thought I was still in Dala until I was about five years old! And then this life has been a bit of a rollercoaster, moving from one hell to another, one thing worse than the other. Talking about a stressful journey!
I will be awaiting a much needed rest once I have gathered enough experiences. I will know when my life is finished, and only then I will be able to leave. It's likely that is why none of my fifteen suicide attempts has worked - I just wasn't finished here. And I still ain't.
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