Unleashed resentment, and the consequences

I must do something about my language when I'm angry and screaming in my apartment. Something about too many profanities that worries people hearing them. Because so far my angry non-sensical rant fests have lead to 1. the cops ringing my door bell, and 2. I had two missed calls from sos alarm in Stockholm. First incident occurred about a month or two ago, and the second early this morning, at around 4:00. First time they were worried about me committing suicide, and I think this time it could have been maybe they thought I was about to harm someone else in various degrees of physical violence. I was not doing or planning on doing either of those things any of those times or any other times for a very long time.

But how would they know what my intentions are or aren't when all they have to go on is the dark, chaotic blerb coming out of my mouth late at night? I tend to scream things like "I want to kill myself I hate this horrible disgusting fucking piece of shit world and everything in it" or like last night something more along lines of "I hate you you fucking piece of shit game character idiot I'm gonna kill you so bad a million times over you're a fucking menace god damn fucktard I hate this god damn fucking game" or whatever as I was overreacting a tad to a mob being annoying in world of warcraft. And yes that is a deliberate understatement cause I cannot convey the absurdity of my reaction in any actually comprehensible way. But I wasn't very loud about it, I didn't scream at the top of my lungs and my balcony door was closed. Apparently not that sound proof, my apartment.

Ugh, this can not go on, or I can find myself in actual, serious trouble. Even though I live alone, never have any visitors and am not actually suicidal or in any way harming myself intentionally. How would I be able to prove that? Just that my temper is so horribly bad that some of my otherwise hidden inner darkness leaks out as some kind of twisted verbalised fantasies. It's like a leaking pot that you just can't keep the lid on cause the pressure is too high and literally exploding into the entire room and out the window. It looks poisonous and smells vile, but actually it's just badly cooked soup.

I never told anyone about that time the cops came over cause they got larmed by my neighbours thinking I was suicidal. Too damn embarrassed to own up to it, or face criticism regarding my immature and clearly not thought-out behaviour. And then it kind of happened again, except this time it was two phone calls that I didn't hear or see until several hours later when I went to bed, by which time I was calm again and just tired and needed to sleep. But I think I should tell my therapist about this.

My darkness is ravaging underneath the surface and I can't quite keep a lid on it when something pisses me off. How my otherwise hidden resentment and feelings of betrayal against the world, with an ever decreasing amount of empathy for anything living, leads to fantasies about murder and mayhem. I have no plans to actually do anything, it's only in my head, my own private world that I can do anything I want in without repercussions, at least in theory. Because when I get furious, I loose my inhibitions which are there to keep my inner, private world secret from the outer world. And it's only "dangerous" in the sense that I reveal some of those secrets, not in any sense of me actually acting upon them. It's only verbal and emotional, and I can't imagine it will one day go beyond that.

I think I need a stress releaser of some kind, an activity of some sort that would wear me out and act cleansing in a way. Like exercise/sports, dancing, or even construction work for that matter. Something that is powerful/exhausting yet fun enough to not bore me into not doing it, something I can channel those dark energies into in a powerful but positive and healthy way, as to prevent it from becoming destructive. Make it more constructive instead. Apparently video games is not a good replacement for that, because it engages my mind while my body relaxes, and I think I need the inverse: something that engages my body while I can put my mind away for a moment. I wish I could have started karate this fall, and it's unlikely I'll be in shape for it by next fall, but the fall after that (2019) it should be fine.

And I don't see that waiting time as two more years of slacking and doing nothing, but rather it's gonna be a period of preparing for and having surgery, then healing from it and slowly try to get into a little bit better shape and diet to prepare my untrained, overly lazy, weak and stiff body for being able to keep up with karate lessons once again. I'll probably have lots of stuff to do in just a few months from now and from there on. But I need to not make my life a mess again before that. In any conceivable way. I need some of that luck now.

SRS around the corner of next year

So, I was in Linköping with my mother on the 26th of September, to see the surgeon I had an appointment with. Yeah I'm posting this a bit later than I first anticipated, but better late than never? I wrote most of this weeks ago, but then I didn't get around to editing and posting. However, I really liked the surgeon, he provided me with lots of information, listened to me, was sensible and kind. I got a lot of my questions and confusion cleared up in just 10 minutes. He told me more detailed information about the surgery and the different stages, such as how they'd go about forming the extension of the urethra with vaginal tissue, that apparently they'll push the upper wall of it upwards somehow and do it that way. As for the clitoral release, no new information for me. And then somewhat shape the scrotum and place in testicular implants but keep it separate until the next stage. By the second stage they'll do vaginectomy and fuse the scrotum together. They can't fuse the scrotum before/without a vaginectomy cause it would cover the hole then, which I also asked about to have clarified, as I got a very confused mental picture of my nether regions that didn't seem entirely logical. It seems in USA a vaginectomy is pretty much expected, but in Sweden it's much more openly optional and you have to request it or they'll assume that you don't want it.

He also said they could do a hysto at the same time (during the first stage) which got me confused cause the other surgeon I spoke to in May said they don't do hysto at the same time as meta. This surgeon thought that was odd as they apparently know each other and my former potential surgeon (Hannes Sigurjohnsson) used to be my now to be surgeon's (Gunnar Kratz) apprentice. Gunnar taught Hannes his techniques! Also, Kratz is not just a skilled SRS surgeon as far as what I've heard, but is like chief/leader over the entire department and has his own private clinic as well. (I don't want to speak ill of Hannes just because I had one bad consultation with him in May, however I do feel much better about Gunnar being my surgeon in the future when it comes to my nether regions. Hannes did a great job with my chest, but it's not the same thing, and require different areas of expertise).

This is exactly what I mean by me not knowing what to expect where, no matter how much online research I do. But I'm glad this surgeon can do the hysto simultaneously (or well not him, but another surgeon brought into the same operating room during the surgery then). However it's not certain it can be arranged like that cause apparently I'll need permission from Gotland's district, and a referral for that sent to him. My mother will help me to figure that out.

So, as far as I know at this point, is it can go one of two ways:
1) I get to have the meta and the hysto done at the same time in about 5 months from now, then have the vaginectomy at a second stage later on...
2) ...or, I'll have the hysto done first in about 1-2 months from now, then have the meta about 3-4 or so months from then, and then have the vaginectomy done a while after that.
I'm hoping for the former, as that seems more convenient and be fewer surgeries/stages (2 instead of 3).

As I'm editing this way later than I first wrote this, I now know that I will get to have the hysto at the same time as the meta. Which does mean more wating until any actual surgery, but more convenient, so I'm not really complaining. So that's how it's gonna be, surgery in 5-ish months from now! Yay!

Other information I got during the meeting was that I'll need to stay at the hospital (after surgery) for about 5 days, but that things will start to get significantly better after around day 3. And yes he did take a look at me as well. It was quick, and it didn't mess me up mentally, other than feeling a bit weird about it. Like he wanted me to pull my junk up and it kinda made me a tad uncomforfortable, but he didn't even touch me. And yes I remembered to inform him about my latex allergy. Good I at least sometimes remember it... He said my junk looked good and there was no problem, that I had "done good", but I said I had just taken testosterone. And then we talked a bit about how effective testo is on trans men compared to estrogen on trans women. We seemed to know about as much about that too, although I misinterpreted him a bit at first. He was really quite chill and both funny and professional at the same time, so I actually managed to feel quite relaxed in his company. These types of meetings tend to make me very nervous and tense otherwise, so I'm glad I didn't feel that way this time.

Unfortunately I don't remember everything said and done at that meeting now, but I'll keep writing things down as they come to me, and I also have my mother as extra memory storage, which was mainly why I brought her with me to that meeting. And as some emotional support, considering how overly nervous I was last time. I really couldn't think properly back then.

Oh! I just remember that he said a Danish guy will do the vaginectomy, so in total there will be 3 different surgeons involved, at least. But not all at once. I've heard he's good too, although I don't remember his name anymore.

It just hit me that I could quite likely be getting my surgery very close to my 29th birthday. That would be an amazing present, indeed. And no, I don't care about possibly being fairly immobile in a hospital bed on my birthday. Birthdays actually don't mean all that much for me. I mean, they're not "sacred" in lack of a better, less religious sounding word. I mean I don't have to celebrate them properly, or even in a pain-free way. Although it could also align more closely with my 4th year anniversary of being post op mastectomy, March 10th. We'll see, and I'll keep you posted, as well as updating on facebook. Just with far less detailed information over there.

I'm not sure how to prepare the practical stuff before my surgery, mostly cause of not knowing for sure what will be asked of me/required, but I've thought of a few things. Like making sure I have lots of clean sweatpants, t-shirts and other softer clothes ready at home/bring with me, as well as buying some looser boxer shorts to wear. (I only have tight boxer-briefs and briefs which I've heard can be uncomfortable to wear while newly post op). Since I plan to stay at my parents' place the initial time after (1-2 weeks), I won't need to prepare my own apartment all that much except from making sure I won't have anything left rotting here. And a clean bed, basically. Clean dishes would be good too. Mother can help me buy more fresh food by then.

As for some non-surgery related updates, I'm kept having some trouble with my ear stretching with that skin reaction/irritation up until a couple of weeks ago. It turned out it was from the black rubber bands I used to keep each jewellery in place, so I replaced them with clear silicone bands which works so far. Last time I sized up was exactly a month ago, September 14th, and today I sized up again, on October 14th, from 2 mm to 2,5 mm. I keep all that stuff written down elsewhere too. It was tricky as hell to get that damn tunnel into my tiny ear hole, but eventually I managed it. Feels like my ear hates me a bit now, but I'm sure it will come around.

I vaguely "plan" to stetch up one size a month, depending on how well my ear handles each process. But as soon as I hear anything about surgery happening soonish next year, I will take a much longer break from the ear stretching process. Just to be sure. Sooo... maybe my next size up will be either in mid November or early December for 3 mm, then January or early February for 3,5 mm, then I don't know. My ultimate goal I'm not quite sure about yet, but probably either 12 or 14 mm most likely. Sure, 13 would be a nice number, but finding neat jewellery in that particular size seems to be quite difficult.

On other stuff, I'm unfortunately back to smoking somewhere around 10 cigarettes a day again (the fucking e-cig got me back to it), but I'll cut back down to zero from sometime around Christmas/New Years. I know I can do it, just not for all that long.

I'm already starting to look forward to all the things I want to do with my life after all the surgeries have healed up. Start working out properly, start practicing karate again, get a cat, maybe try a job or two at some point, try harder to move to Stockholm or nearby area, save up for either driving licence or MC licence, get a proper vehicle for that, save up money for tattoos... the possibilities are endless! (Almost).

First fall updates

September 21st:
Enjoying some vodka drinks in this late evening. The summer is coming to an end, and I have mixed feelings about that. As I want for the warm weather to continue, the further into winter time moves the more is gonna happen surgery wise which is definitely good. I finally got an appointment with that second surgeon for my metoidioplasty booked, on the 26th of September which is in 5 days from now. It's at a hospital in Linköping which is farther away than Stockholm so it's a bit more and different travel this time around. Me and my mother will take the ferry from Visby to Oskarshamn, then she will drive us the rest of the way which she's said will take about 2 hours. We've been pondering about how to go about that kind of trip when I'll actually be having surgery there and not just going for a constultation, but it's gonna be several months at least until then though.

More stuff happening in regards to surgery in the near future is that I might get the hysterectomy done on October 19th, but it's very preliminary right now. It can be delayed until sometime in November instead which I was told up front, as that hospital (in Stockholm) will need a specialist surgeon for that procedure, and they apparently don't keep those around at all times there. Then when it's more certain when, I'm gonna get a consultation/pre-op talk scheduled a couple of weeks prior. That's all I know about that for now. Oh, and I'm just assuming that I'll need to wait about 6 months or more between the hysto and first stage of meta.

Yeah, I remember the other surgeon I talked to in May said that the meta surgery will be done in two or more stages. I'm gonna ask the other surgeon (on Tuesday) about what will be done in which stage, among other things. I do have an idea of what and when after having researched it like crazy online, but fact remains that every surgeon tends to do things slightly differently, and I have no idea what this particular surgeon does and in what order, and I want to have an idea. So, might as well share here as well what I plan to bring up with this surgeon now on Tuesday.

For starters, except from the basic metoidioplasty which is just the clitoral release, I also want these procedures done:
- Urethra extension/lengthening
- Scrotoplasty with (small) testicular implants (and also need to specify that I want for the scrotum to be fused together into one sack and not separated, as it is made from the outer labia which are by default two separated things, and different surgeons do this differently)
- Vaginectomy
- and I'll ask about the possibilty and need for a mons resection (essentially is moving everything upwards a bit in case it would be too far down, which is difficult for me to tell by now by myself, hence I need some expert advice on that point, and if it can even be performed here, at that hospital, or in Sweden at all)

Then my questions and other clarifications are as follows:
- For the urethra, vaginal tissue? (this is to clarify that I'd rather go with that method since I want a vaginectomy anyways, so that tissue is basically "waste" for me so the surgeon can make some use for it, rather than the other option, which is to take tissue from inside the mouth/cheek area which would be annoying and unnecessary for me then)
- Which method for vaginectomy? (this is cause I've read/heard about several different techniques being used which all have different healing times and complications, plus I just want to know what will be going on with my own body, for obvious reasons I presume)
- What will happen during different surgeries/stages?
- Hair removal? (I really don't know how much of my forests in that general area would need to be removed and with what method (this I will ask the hysto surgeon as well))
- Waiting time, how long? (including the hysto healing time)
- Should I contact again after the hysto, or?
- If I sometime in the future after the surgery need to test for STD's, where would I go for that? (cause I've only ever known about going to a gynecologist, but that's not the place to go for someone with male parts and I just don't know, even though I probably won't be doing a whole lot of penetrating someone else kind of sex, still)

So that's my list, except from the brackets and that I originally wrote it in Swedish instead. For hysto I have a lot fewer questions that I haven't even written down yet. Then it's mostly about clarifying what to be removed and asking about the healing time depending on which procedure they'll go for (laparoscopic or lower abdomen incision), and also about knowing for how long I'll need to stay at the hospital is important due to traveling cause of booking flight/ferry tickets in advance. Perhaps even just going with the larger incision for definite would be a better option so I'll know how long I'll need to stay, or even... asking to get looked at down there so the surgeon can make a more accurate decision on which type of method would actually be possible to do on me and not.

Cause I really don't know. I don't know how "wide" or stretchy my front hole needs to be for that laparoscopic method to work. I know my atrophy there is severe enough to cause a lot of physical pain upon even just the slightest bit of touch, but I'm quite clueless about its current elasticity. I don't feel like asking previous lovers about it as much as I don't feel like force testing it on myself. I've had enough self-rape for a lifetime by now. Strangely enough I'd be more okay with a professional poking around down there, cause at least they'd know what they're doing and be quick about it.

Knowing it's getting closer in time to me being free of the various organs I hate having and getting the rest re-arranged is very damn nice, to say the least. It feels like a sigh of relief, although just a bit of that, a "finally" -kind of feeling. And knowing that it will take quite some time before it's all done (likely years) doesn't bother me at this point. Right now I'm happy as long as things are going in the right direction and not unreasonably slow or appearing to stand completely still. Unreasonably slow for me would be having to wait more than 6 more months just to get the hysto, and more than a year from then until first stage of meta. Unreasonable to me would be so many and severe complications that it would severely mess up my final result and health. I'm counting on complications, at least with the meta, but I'm not counting on severe ones, I just know that they can happen and hope that they won't.

It was so long ago since I last made a blog post I've been wondering what's happened to my writing ability as well as my thought-forming ability, as I haven't written anything except from a few youtube comments in the past several months now. Not even a single poem. Sure, my writing ability has always had its ups and downs, but this is quite extreme for me. I try not to worry about it, but every once in a while I can't help but wonder what's going on. I'm not drawing a whole lot either. The inspiration just isn't there and I have a strong "why bother" feeling that makes me drop the pens before even picking them up.

I spend my days watching youtube videos, playing WoW and listening to music, often in various combinations. On youtube I mostly watch anti-feminism related videos, or videos about random trans stuff on either side of that fence, hair styling, WoW related comic stuff, random science/medicine and history stuff. Sometimes I drink some booze (mostly just one or two drinks about 2-3 times a month), and still working on that cigarette habit. I managed to go down to as little as one cigarette a week, but then something happened (I got an e-cig) and I'm back to about one cigarette a day currently, and more when I drink. I plan on strictly decreasing that consumption starting from very end of September (after the 26th) or beginning of October to be smoke free at least a couple of weeks before the 19th of October for that preliminary hysto date. My main issue now is my psychological addiction to cigarette smoking and not really any nicotine addiction cause I don't get physical symptoms of withdrawal. It's really just a strong, mental craving for the smoke, taste, smell and sensations involved with taking deep drags from cigarettes. I'm confident I'll solve that issue somehow though...

September 24th:
It's Sunday now and I still haven't posted this. But whatever. I almost forgot to mention, that I've started stretching my ear piercing quite recently as well. I started by reading and listening to a lot of information on how to go about it, slowly and safely. Then bought myself a stretching kit of cresent moon shaped jewellery in surgical steel, saving me the trouble of having to buy both tapers as well as plugs or tunnels. Eight of them in various sizes ranging from 1,6 to 8 mm. I look at and hold the biggest one in my hand from time to time, longing to have that one comfortably in my ear. I don't know for sure at what size I'd like to stop, but I doubt I'll ever go beyond 20 mm. At this point either 10 or 12 mm seems like a good goal, but it also depends on what fancy jewellery I'll find and want in what sizes.

Anyhow, that will take forever to get there, so I don't need to over think it just yet. I also bought a cleaning water and sea salt spray and some ear lube, along with a new stud for my lip piercing cause I've lost my old ones. When it all had arrived I gently put in the smallest stretching jewellery of 1,6 mm on August 24th. It went well, and I kept cleaning it regularly. After a few weeks it felt very well healed up, wasn't uncomfortable and felt fresher than ever, so I stretched it up to the next size of 2 mm on September 14th. From then on I have and will stick to that size probably throughout the rest of the year, cause I don't want to mess with my ear more than necessary when I'm gonna have surgery fairly soon (hopefully). Also it got a little irritated from a soap I was using, so I need to be a bit extra caring of it. Nothing bad, just slightly red, dry and itchy next to the hole on the lobe, so it's not even the actual piercing hole that is affected, but a few millimetres closer to my face.

Anyhow, long time no see, and now it'll probably take a while until I'll be back here next time again, if I know myself well enough for now.

Turning around my convictions

I found that apparently Sverigedemokraterna (SD) has their own youtube channel and they've recently uploaded a ton of new content from just a few days ago, when they were speaking publically at "Almedalsveckan" (an annual political event kinda like "Medeltidsveckan" but with a completely different theme) in Visby, and oh my god... they seem so reasonable. I don't know where to put my brain. I just watched a clip where 3 women from the party were interviewed by a man and they told him about how they are not a feminist party, but all for gender equality in the actual equal way. Hooray! There's hope! Maybe... And it just baffles me so much when they kinda trash talked especially the party that my retarded ass voted for 3 years ago at the last election, cause if my mind really is going where I think it might be... I'd really kinda go from my old "favourite" political party, right over to their enemy party. A shift equal to "from black to white" or vice versa. I'm not sure which colour is which.

I cannot believe what my mind is tumbling through these days. I've learned so much about politics in this "red pill" -age that has been happening more recently, that my entire world view has been tipped over. Like a truck, balancing on its roof. Seriously. I've always voted for Vänsterpartiet (Vp), and I'm not afraid to admit that, although I kinda beat myself up for... well, not only buying into their harmful extremist left-wing views, but for not even paying attention to what their views actually were, not looking up if their "facts" actually aligned with reality, AND for not noticing what's going on in the real world outside of what they were saying - and voting for their stupid asses despite being as close to clueless one can possibly be. Like I could just barely tell left from right, literally. That I'm not proud of, but also, maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to throw in my vote cluelessly if I hadn't been told by almost everyone I know that "it's better to vote for a shitty party than to not vote at all" like what the hell kind of logic is that?!

But no, of course I don't really blame them, I still had a brain of my own to use if I had just... you know, actually used it. But I do beat myself up for actually helping bringing my own country one step closer to its own damn demise (or well, more like "political corruption", maybe, but still). No, I didn't turn right-wing, in case anyone wonders. I turned centrist, although still a bit closer to libertarian than authoritarian, and a bit closer to left than right, but still very close to the centre. I don't think I actually changed a whole lot of my original views though, I just re-defined them, looked deeper into them, and found the more correct labels for them. I didn't look very deeply into Vp even though I stood by them for... 14 years... shit that's half my life, didn't realise... but now I feel determined to really look into, well especially SD since they seem to be the only ones actually looking at reality and not following either the super conservative right-wingers nor the radical feminist left-wingers. As far as I gather, they're kinda centrist, egalitarian, but their biggest concern is the immigration politics and not in a racist way.

What I know about that so far, is that they want a more controlled immigration policy, but not completely ban it. They want to first and foremostly make sure the actual Swedes (regardless of skin colour and heritage, mind you) have rights and get heard, and not pander to immigrants who don't think they need to follow Swedish law. That's not racist, that's being reasonable. And it's actually shocking to me that there are people out there who say exactly that is included in the definition of "racism" and that's not just a few people, sadly. I started following a Swedish youtuber, a week or two ago, who mostly talks about politics ("En arg blatte talar" or "The angry foreigner") and although I don't agree with everything he says on his channel, he was the one to shine a light on SD for me.

My mind was so considerably blown in that moment that I couldn't even form one coherent thought. I had just stumbled upon his channel, noticed he had quite a lot of insight and intellect as well as being very articulate and a bit funny too, that our political views were very similar to each other, and I watched a bunch of videos, maybe 5-7 or so, until he from seemingly out of nowhere said that "SD is the only reasonable party in Sweden now (and a lot of reasons as to why)" and my jaw just dropped to the fucking floor as I thought SD was the least reasonable party in Sweden. And that's basically the short version as to how my entire world view (in terms of politics) turned up-side-down. But I want to be more careful for the next election (which is in September next year, so I've got some time) to actually learn, to the best of my ability, what I'm really throwing in my vote for. But as of now, it does look like it might go to that "retarded racist party" that everyone loves to make fun of. As of today, I saw that one of my closest friends had shared a video on facebook about how "racist" that party is. Not so much making fun, but more so blatantly hating on them.

Yeah, if I actually will vote for them, I've gotta grow some thicker skin to stand up for it in future conversations with my friends as well. All my life I've always thought that I can be friends with anyone regardless of if political our opinions are different or same, but it's never crossed my mind until recently, that my friends might not say the same about me. And I have kinda felt that nagging feeling within me that it's possible that I might lose friends over my new political perspective. However, I really do doubt I'll talk that much about it in real life with people. I only vaguely mentioned it to my mother (not even my own standpoint, just briefly what was up in society) a couple of weeks ago, but I've been very silent about it on facebook. Only time I ever really did go that route on that website was a few years ago and some annoying acquaintaince whom I didn't particularly care for said something incredibly stupid about men in a very feminist stance that I replied something along the lines of "not all men..." to, but I didn't get very far into my argumment then. Not only cause I didn't know exactly what to say, but also because I felt very attacked not only by her but also her friends defending her idiotic statement.

I don't even remember what it was now, but likely something about rapists. Not only cause that's the one topic all super radical feminists always bounce back to, but also because I have my own fair share of experiences that are kinda unique in the sense that I've been on the receiving end of it as a female (rape victim when I was presenting as female, by a guy), as well as then also been in that awkward situation where random women accuse me of being a "potential rapist" solely because I'm a guy, and feminists like that former acquaintance of mine don't see the absurdity and harmfulness in that kind of thinking that I see. Yeah, I haven't talked to her ever since then, and I think she also unfriended me on facebook. No, I'm not and never have been one of those trans guys who got "male privilege" after transitioning and passing as male in society. No, I got the fucking opposite. If anything, I can almost claim I had "female privilege" before transitioning. Not that any gender has an actual privilege in the western society, but I just mean that women have more rights than men, and what I did get was something in the likes of a certain disadvantage that I didn't have before. People got higher expectations on me for no fucking reason other than my perceived gender.

But enough about that, I don't want to rant about my personal experiences of gender inequality right now. I know that my main source of information isn't the most reliable (youtube) but because reading isn't a thing that's exactly working out for me these days (and by "days" I mean the past 6-7 years) videos, or spoken words, is by far the best way for me to take in information of most kinds. I try to deal with the "unreliable" aspect of it by watching several different people talk about the same few topics, like at least 10-15 different people if not 20, and try my best to also find actual experts talking and not just amateurs with a webcam and too much free-time on their hands. Although hours long seminars and interviews are far more difficult for me to focus on, especially if the spoken language is also very dry and academic - compared to the far more casual, witty monologues made by regular people who just share their opinions on various stuff in an often light-hearted way, which is information that is easier for me to take to cause it's more on my level, so to speak.

I still obsess about politics and mostly it suits me fine, but sometimes it can go on for hours at an end and with no cigarette breaks to take... it can become a bit overwhelming at times, like I just don't know how to stop or force myself to do something else like eating, playing WoW, drawing or going to sleep in my bed, or even just switch over to scroll on tumblr for a while. My mind always wanders back there and even if I can turn off youtube, I can't turn off my mind. The political side of youtube has become somewhat of a powerful magnet that is hard to pull myself away from. But the positive aspect of that is that I have something to keep my mind busy (especially from the cigarettes as I still try my best to quit smoking, and I'm down to just 1-2 cigarettes a day now, but yeah it's going slow), it feels rewarding and fulfilling in some way, and I keep learning more all the time. But I do spend a whole lot more time affirming new knowledge and sort of "proof checking" it than I do actually leaning new stuff.

I used to think I was quite extremist left-wing, turns out I'm barely left-wing at all. I used to believe I was a feminist, turns out I'm an anti-feminist egalitarian. I used to think that extreme left-wing wasn't bad at all, but turns out extremists on both the right and left sides of the centre are bad and not something I want to associate myself with. I used to think SD was the butt of a joke at best and a complete racist disgrace to Sweden's variety of political parties at worst, now I don't know for sure but they might just be the only party worth voting for.

This entry isn't really me saying I've made up my mind about that last part or to claim to "know" anything for sure, but I realise it probably will take me quite some time to dig up enough information and check its validity for me to feel like I do know enough to form an educated and wise opinion on that, and that I wanted to share my tumbling thoughts and feelings before having reached that point. I can change my mind when provided with new information, in fact I can even change from black to white or white to black, but never when it's convenient for anyone else than me. Or even me, for that damn matter. I'm still mostly following the whims of my mind and heart, but I tend to think them through a bit more than I used to. However, sometimes it doesn't matter how well I think a whim through, sometimes I'm so set on one track that nothing can sway me, not even when I try to break myself down and shatter my own illusions. Perhaps minds don't work that way, that maybe we can't distort our own convictions.

The details that shatter the sum

I just randomly started thinking about my past relationship with M, and that "turning point" when I went from being viewed as a straight girl when I was him, to being viewed as a gay guy holding the same person's hand in public. It was... weird. I hadn't ever viewed myself as either gay or straight, and it did catch me by surprise. During that relationship, I saw it as that I was in that "awkward phase" of halfway passing and halfway not passing as I was early in my transition. Age 21-22, year 2011. Now I only vaguely remember that day when some random strangers yelled "faggots" at us somewhere in the middle of Uppsala. I was like "huh?" and didn't quite understand why for a moment before I did catch on, like "oh you mean me and my boyfriend?" as I was hit by the obvious.

I still find it difficult to listen to music that reminds me of past loves. Even if it's a really good song. I keep seeing that person's face in my mind with a lingering sadness, either coming from them or from within myself distantly hinting at what caused us to break up. I can only distance myself partially, I cannot freeze myself entirely ice cold to the memories. That, I can only give the outward impression of that I've done.

Can I see my truth from my own lies? Sometimes. Some truths about me I have never hidden behind lies. I've always stood up for those, thus I know I can trust them to be true. And vice versa some lies are so definitely made up and have required a lot of work for me to keep up for decades, those I can trust to be blatant lies. But there is definitely a big grey mess in between those extremes. The subtley polished truths, the vague lies that could be true if things had just been slightly different. Do I even know what I truly feel when I've been lying to myself every day for most of my life about my emotions as some kind of coping mechanism? Some make do with just bottling up, I do that and then twist and shake and poison the content until it's changed colour, taste, smell and texture. Now that's become somewhat of a routine.

I do not lose sleep or shed tears over my mess of a love-life, but sure I do often take a step back and glance at the disaster behind me, wondering why it turned out that way and how to prevent it from repeating in the future. I never come up with even a hint of an answer. Nothing. A shrug at best. Should I just leave it then and hope for the best? No, probably not. But I'm in that kind of state where it's either "dig your own grave of unsolvable issues" or "take things as they come" and I choose the latter. For now, at least. I have more issues than I can even conceive of, but I think most of them stem from my trust issues, history of sexual abuse, my selfishness/narcissism with contradicting self esteem issues, a kind of mixed superiority/victim complex haphazard. Ironically quite similar to how SJW's are often described, but with an entirely different outcome.

Am I better than them? Never said I was, never intended to imply it. For me, pointing out a group of people's faults doesn't necessarily put me above them. It only means I see their faults, not that I in any way deny my own faults. I like my own faults better, but it only means I'm another kind of shitty. I disdain their hive-mind mentality for the destruction of modern society, while I work privately for the destruction of individual lives. Better? Not quite. Just different. This has nothing to do with me being demonkin, but it's just something to liken it to that I think is of some relevance: I heard many times in otherkin communities that demonkins usually don't mix well with other demonkin people. It made me think. Taking the "evil" or malicious stereotype out of it, and placing it roughly over this situation, maybe there is something to it that maybe people in general who have dark intentions also don't mix well with other people who have dark intentions, unless their agenda is the same? And maybe that's why I hate SJW's, they hate me, the KKK doesn't give a fuck about anyone else and ISIS just wants everyone dead.

I wonder if an entire world of dark personality type people would just be one giant, endless war. No one getting along, everyone wanting destruction in their own way and doesn't give a fuck about anyone else. Some work in groups, others work alone. It would be a disaster. Glad the world isn't like that. I wouldn't want to live in a world only filled with people as poisonous as me or even more. Me liking my own nature doesn't mean I want for everyone to be like me, and that's probably what differs me from the SJW's, except from the obvious that we have entirely different views and I just can't agree on anything they stand for. No, I like the diversity that they claim to fight for but are ultimately actually fighting against.

However, I obviously don't put myself in the same kind of bad as serial killers and rapists, although my mind tends to be kind of similar to what theirs have been portrayed as in modern psychology. That saying about "actions speak louder than words" probably has a lot to do with why I don't think I should be considered quite as dark as them. Cause logically, thinking about committing murder isn't the same kind of bad as actually committing murder. And having assaulted people in the past because of having self control issues also isn't the same as committing murder or rape over and over for the thrill of it. Regardless of my reasons for not having done such things, the important thing is simply that I haven't and I don't intend to. However my lack of concern for human and all life, and that I have done horrible shit to other people in the past without really feeling much of any remorse other than being overwhelmed by the consequences it could have on my own selfish ass, and relentlessly keep repeating the same and new, similar "mistakes" with little to no care for others, does put me in a darker category than those who most certainly have done bad things themselves but actually feel remorse for that and don't repeat the same and other, similar, acts later on.

A quote I've been stumbling upon several times as of lately is: "When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake anymore: it is a decision." and it always kinda makes me cringe a bit, making me mumble in defense while no one else can hear me: what do you know about it, really? How can something that is involuntary be a decision? Or did he also include subconscious decisions? Cause if he did, then I actually would agree. The subconsious mind is a damn tricky mine field full of shit that science and psychology can't even begin to grasp. A subconscious decision would be anything from running out in traffic to save a kid who ran out right in front of a moving vehicle - to repeatedly enter one abusive relationship after another as the victim. And a whole lot of other shit, like always going for the same taste of tea every morning despite having several different options at home but you just didn't think about it. Or always ending up sleeping on the same side of your big bed even when you're having it all to yourself and you don't think about it. Really, a subconscious decision is technically any choice you make without paying attention to what you're doing, for a wide variety of reasons. It is habit, reflexes and mindlessness.

And I think it can also be applied to things like bad habits in general, at least in some cases. But can it be applied to me? Thinking about it more clearly... kinda not, actually. For me, I think what's happening is that I continuously end up in situations that I'm responsible for fucking up, unintentionally, but upon realising, I take the wrong route and mess it up more, finish what I started - instead of backing away, stop what I'm doing, apologising if applicable (it actually hasn't always been, since well, neither property nor animals would have been helped by my apologies), and turn the fuck away from it all before it escalates. But instead I let it escalate. So it could potentially be a subconscious decision to keep ending up in those situations, but it's a conscious decision to make the situations worse on purpose, which would in turn make the next such decision a little less subconscious. "I don't want to be forgiven." -I keep repeating that sentence to myself as some kind of cold comfort. I guess maybe that's why I don't stop before it is too late.

And I think as of rather lately, it has also become a way for me to push people away from myself when I can't handle the situation/relationship anymore. Violence as misdirected self defense. If I want to distance myself from someone and I can't communicate that to them in a kind and mature way, I attack them instead hoping it will be just as effective if not even more effective, when it's reached that breaking point in which I've essentially given up on my own verbal ability to communicate. I have a way of not being able to verbally communicate what I actually want. I tend to soften my expressions and minimise the problems like I might say "I might need some space soon" when I actually need to say "I definitely need a whole lot of space right fucking now and it's non-negotiable". There's a huge difference and it leads a whole lot of miscommunication. It has actually gotten a slight notch better since a few years ago, but it's not nearly good enough yet. That is rooted in my trust issues, quite definitely, cause what I can't get out of my imagination is that if I'd say what's really on my mind, I expect getting reactions like: what you mean, you want me to leave? what have I done? Have I hurt you? Is something wrong? (Yes but I don't want to talk about it) and so on. Basically, I fear what I would consider to be an over-reaction or a counter attack that I wouldn't know how to handle. And whenever there's something I feel I can't handle, I'm gonna try to avoid it at all costs. I am somehow a very private person, at least in real life, but like giving the impression of being the opposite because of the perks that come with it, but apparently backlash is a thing and it hit me hard.

Yesterday I did some reading up on how sexual abuse can affect one's sexuality afterwards, and on a particular website it listed a few different outcomes, although this one in particular sounded familiar: "Other survivors act out or become promiscuous believing that they are only good or loved for sex. He or she then fulfills this legacy sometimes with total disregard for his/her own safety. They feel they cannot say no to sex and end up having sex with anyone that wants them." However I don't feel that I'm only good or loved for sex, I know perfectly well that people can and do love me regardless of if I fuck them or not. It's more of a compulsion for me that I can't explain the "why" of. But the following two sentences completely describe me. I don't care about it being safe, in fact I prefer it not to be. And I don't say no to anyone who wants me, usually. But then not everyone I've had sex with were the ones to approach me, a few of them I kinda coerced.

This line woke me up a bit from my late night, not sure if I'm really awake, state as well: "Also here is the fact that many survivors find one-night stands sexually enjoyable. This is because they are disconnected with any emotional or intimate feelings regarding sex." And also: "As an adult, sex with an intimate partner may become a “skin crawling” experience. Many have noticed that the deeper the relationship became, the less they wanted sex with this person. They may feel so confused as to why they enjoyed sex before but suddenly can’t stand to be touched by the partner." - "This then becomes a pattern. They can meet someone new, enjoy sex for a time and then as the relationship goes to a deeper more connected level, the same thing happens. They can’t stay disconnected from sex in an intimate relationship and they can’t connect sex with love." That's exactly what I described in an earlier blog entry a while ago. That's spot on. That website is basically repeating my own words. I just didn't connect it to my past experiences of sexual abuse, for some reason. I have too much going in my life/head, I don't know which waste bucket to throw which kind of junk into.

And then fucking tumblr wants to slap one of its fancy stupid labels on that as well, as I recently came across the made up term "fraysexual" describing exactly this (would be the opposite to "demisexual"). Are they making the severe aftermaths of sexual abuse into a trendy "sexual orientation" now too?! Fuck I've had enough of their shit.

The thing that confuses me is that when I was with R, I could and did connect sex with love, in some way, and I did enjoy sex with him even after having reached that connected deeper level. However, the fact that I was sexually abused again years after may of course have implemented that kind of pattern afterwards as a result. I have to realise that for every time I've been through one sexual trauma it's brought on more shit to my mental health than the one before that did.

I read further down the page into the comment section. Someone said this in an answer to one of those comments: "If you have had sex forced upon you when you were too young, too small, too inexperienced, too unprepared to know how to deal with it, then shutting down emotionally and letting it happen could actually be a very efficient coping mechanism. But continuing with a sex life without emotional attachment as an adult with loving partner is not healthy and will ultimately lead to the collapse of the relationship." Although I wasn't technically raped as a child (at age 9, it was sexual assault but not rape) that was exactly what I did at 17, and still a virgin by common definition. And the emotional detachment in future consensual sex acts I definitely recognise myself in. But I didn't use to phrase it like that in my past. I said that I "focused on the feeling" meaning the physical sensation, and it was, as I saw it, mostly my way of coping with my gender dysphoria. Of course that gets thrown into this mess as well. A lot of different things fuck up my sex life. But I think those two are the major ones. Sexual abuse and gender dysphoria. Then miscommunication, expectations (that I have on both myself and my partners), are also often around and stirring up that already existing mess.

Maybe I've become too desensitised when it comes to rape. My mind trying to turn it into a good thing by making all of my sexual fantasies being about rape, at this point just reading or hearing the very word turns me on. But although I know the reality behind it doesn't, it has done something to me. Something quite disturbing. At this point, when I'm with a guy and he does something sexually with me that I very clearly said "no" to before, I'm... drawn to it, of being violated. But then I shrug it off and just call it a not so great time as it kinda hits me. Or more like a nudge. It could have gone better, but I'm not losing sleep over it and I'm not calling it rape, even though maybe it technically was. I guess I wouldn't know for sure. This was pretty recent, a few months ago. But then does it even matter if I was raped again if it doesn't even bother me? Me not being bothered confuses me, and that's why I eventually decided to write about it here, but that's about it. Although I've been trying to make sense of that event before.

I don't even understand the concept of "wanting" anymore. Essentially, wanting something that I don't want, is a paradox. Maybe it's more like I feel drawn towards that particularly illegal way of being dominated, that I want to be forced for the thrill but I don't want that kind of sex. And I use my own aversion to it as a way of basically harming myself psychologically. As it's been spinning in my mind as a repeated fantasy for over a decade now, maybe it's warped my sanity. This might also have something to with me feeling all the more out of control in my life otherwise, that I feel like I don't have control and it's pushing me to the brink. Sex is the only aspect of my life in which it is completely reversed. I can't even stand having control then, and now I've been taking that to the extreme even further beyond what's considered healthy.

It's really unhealthy as fuck. That me making myself even more vulnerable in sex might be a way for me to try to take back control over the rest of the aspects of my life, but obviously failing miserable. Cause it doesn't work that way. If anything it will have the opposite effect. Sure, bdsm can work great for that, but willingly submitting myself to getting raped? That's a whole different chapter of a whole different book. Coming back to the subconscious decisions. But is it even rape if I subconsciously decide to have sex with someone in certain ways despite not consciously wanting to? A part of me wants it. Not the part that says no, but the part that willingly lets it happen for the thrill of the fear. This was not about freezing up, it was me letting go and not caring about how I actually felt. Staying in the moment, subjecting myself to the agony. It feels like I'm trying to mend broken glass by smashing it against the wall. I can't think of anything more contraproductive. And I have no idea what my sense of logic even is.

Mostly hysto thoughts

Started decreasing my cigarette intake a few days ago and figured out a very effective way of smoking often enough for me to not go crazy while still smoking less: half a cigarette at a time. Might go down to a third of a cigarette at a time in a few days or so, as I'm only decreasing it by one per day. Although having been awake across midnight many times, I don't know when to stop counting for the day before and when to start counting for the next day. And sometimes when I'm awake barely 10 hours it's easier to smoke a lot less, while other times I'm awake over 20 hours and then it's significantly harder to stay within the limit that I've made for myself. I try to fix my sleep pattern but as of now it's utterly useless and futile.

Yeah I do use nicotine patches but I don't think they're quite strong enough, cause a few days ago it had passed 3 hours since a last half a cigarette and I had started getting shaky. That to me seems like a symptom of a deficiency I'm trying to avoid having. My plan is to be smoke free, not nicotine free. I'm on the strongest dose of patches, but I can't know how much of it my body actually absorbs. It says on the box they'll last for 24 hours and I did have that one on for somewhere around 8 hours at that shaky point, so it shouldn't have started to have less effect already. Not reasonably, at least. So, my solution to that was to slap on two patches for each day instead of just one, which has proved to be a lot more effective. Now I can go 3-4 hours until I smoke my next half a cigarette and it doesn't give me abstinence. I'm not nearly as psychologically addicted to smoking as I used to be as I don't feel much of a wanting to smoke and it's more simply a need, which does make quitting easier, as long as I get a sufficient amount of nicotine in other ways, that is.

Yeah, I'm decreasing my cigarette consumption to eventually quit entirely, as my hysterectomy is coming closer, presumably. I don't have a set date for surgery yet, but the surgeon I saw on May 31st for bottom surgery in general sent a referral to a gynecologist in Stockholm and about a week ago I got a bunch of medical health history papers to fill in for a hysto, as well as a letter saying I'm gonna be scheduled for a consultation with a gynecologist as soon as they get those papers. So it could be weeks, it could be months, and I want to be prepared. Although I'll probably be having one smoke or another every now and then at least until I know more about when that operation will most likely happen.

However it didn't say in the information papers I got that I have to be smoke-free for the surgery. Only that it would be good if I am cause of the healing process, and that I can't smoke at the hospital. That's mainly why I decided to quit smoking for it, to speed up/aid the healing process. Another reason is just in case the gynecologist will tell me I have to be smoke-free despite the info papers not stating that. And the third reason I have is to make it easier to be smoke-free for the metoidioplasty later on. As far as I can "plan" ahead now, I'll try to stay smoke-free for at least the first 2 months after my hysto, then only smoke as seldom as I can manage until metoidioplasty is getting closer. Like maybe one cigarette a week or whatever.

As far as I know, standard is to have to wait at least 6 months between a hysto and more lower surgery (or any surgery for that matter unless it's urgent), to make sure it's completely healed up, fine and dandy and what not. So, will all likelihood I won't get meta done until at earliest mid winter, whether that be late this year (unlikely cause of Christmas being in the way, however I actually wouldn't mind having surgery even on Christmas Eve if that would be possible) or early next year. But I'm preparing myself for that next spring might be more realistic, cause of maybe ending up in a queue/waiting list for that surgery cause the medical system sucks and surgeons are busy people. But I think I should be able to get to have a consultation with that surgeon way before then, who's name is Gunnar Kratz, by the way. I've heard of him being talked about among other trans people on the Swedish online forum at forum.transsexualism.se years ago, back when I visited it frequently and before I forgot my login. But of course I don't remember if what people said about him back then was majorly positive or negative. And I'm getting nowhere trying to research him.

Never mind, I'm getting somewhere. As I just found a Swedish blog post where a trans guy said back in 2016 that Kratz is "en av de främsta" (could be translated to "one of the most respected/best/most preferable" but it's difficult to find a one good translation) surgeons when it comes to genital operations in Sweden. That he had him as his surgeon for meta and was very delighted about that. I then went on to read more about his experiences in his other blog entries and he seems pretty pleased about the outcome, except he's still having issues with complications in the most recent post about it from a month ago. Then I found another entry from which it appears we actually have sex in pretty much the exact same ways and with the same type of people. Interesting...

Okay that's all I can find on that surgeon except from another website of women discussing breast augmentations made by him and a radio website with an episode in which he just explains what the different genital surgeries for both trans men and trans women are. Not much to go on, but it's also not nothing.

I'm actually not overly excited about the hysto, but I do look forward to be free of ever having a period again since just being on testo apparently wasn't enough to reduce that risk to zero, and to not have the slightest risk of getting pregnant. However apparently vaginal bleeding right after surgery is to be expected, as well as after vaginectomy when that's done at the same time as meta (so not during the hysto), so entirely free from the occasional crotch-bleeding I won't be yet for a while. But after everything has healed up after both surgeries, then no more bleeding from that area unless I'd get stabbed there or something. Just the thought of it gives me a deep, calm feeling of relief. To be rid of my female parts, I mean, not potentially getting stabbed in my crotch in the future.

I'm pretty sure what to have removed with my hysto, but I would need to clarify it and ask about it with the gynecologist as it hasn't been specified yet. Sure I'm certain about getting my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed which is pretty standard. But would I need to keep my cervix? Probably not but that's something I'm not sure about. But if I'll have that removed too, then I'd probably have to mention that it would likely be for the best to keep as much of the actual vagina up to the cervix as possible, only for the reason that I have no idea how much vaginal tissue or from how deep inside the surgeon doing my meta will need for the urethral lengthening. And I tend to think that the "better safe than sorry" -approach is a pretty good one when it comes to irreversible surgery, as ending up having had too much tissue removed in that situation might not be so good for the final outcome.

It very much feels like I have to be an expert on these kind of procedures to avoid having missed bringing up/discussing some details or misinterpret what the actual experts tell me during consultations and what not. And of course being an expert on my own body as well. At one point a week or so ago I ended up on an English website describing various kinds of genital surgery on females when I looked up vaginectomy, but holy shit I didn't understand half of what was written. A lot of to me very strange words I had no idea what they meant. It was anything from various tools used during surgery to academic words to describe various tissues that looked more like latin than English. Perhaps it was latin, I have no idea. I've noticed that often times such websites do tend to use latin words when referring to different types of blood vessels, muscles and whatever can be found underneath the surface that most people who are not working in the medical field don't often use.

I didn't understand much of what was said on that website despite it being very neat and with drawings to accompany every text that described each part of the procedure. However what I did get was that it's not the type of vaginectomy that is most often performed on trans guys who have no medical issues warranting such a procedure other than being trans, but was more so geared towards people who had vaginal cancer. The difference is that with cancer they have to make sure they remove all tissue affected by it if surgery is required, so with that method they described basically scooping everything out and closing it up or creating a neo vagina if the patient wanted that. But for trans men who don't have cancer in that area but want that procedure done (hence, me) then they do it in another way in which they collapse the walls on the inside and let it heal together, then sometimes they close up the remaining opening which can be up to a couple of inches (5-ish cm) but not every surgeon does that.

So with that method I guess the vagina is still technically in there, but not as a hole but just some goop of tissue that is merged together inside of the body? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter to me as long as it wouldn't cause problems, like tissue death or whatever. This is however said to be a safer method than the more cancer treating geared one, as it's a little less invasive and has less risk of complications. The complications I'm aware of are infection as with any type of surgery, bleedings to varying degrees that also last differently long for different people, bladder and rectum issues as those are close to the area and can accidentally get damaged during surgery, and the wound opening up again at some later point if the entrance/opening remains is closed probably due to movement and/or infection during the healing process maybe. Fair enough, everything comes with risks. But I wonder if I'll get mine closed up or not, cause I still have no clarity on that particular detail. I'll have to ask the surgeon whenever that consultation is gonna happen.

However, back to my hysto thoughts. The reason why I'm not overly excited about the hysto is because it won't change the way I look, apart from some additional scars on my stomach. Apparently they're gonna go for the laprascopic method or try to and if it doesn't work then they'll open me up through the abdomen. Knowing how tight and rigid my front hole is, it might have to come to that, which essentially only means bigger scar and longer healing time. Which would be a bit annoying but whatever. It kinda feels a bit more like "taking out the trash" rather than transformative like mastectomy did or metoidioplasty does/will. But I'll hold onto that future feeling of relief as a motivator for quitting smoking. I wonder if I'll mourn losing my ability to have children. I mean it can happen that I'll feel a certain amount of sorrow over that even though I know I don't want children, ever. More as a natural response to not having that ability anymore, than as a case of actual regret then, I mean. And I know I can't have a vaginectomy and leave all that stuff in there at the same time. Sure, I could theoretically keep one ovary for that reason, but I'd still be unable to carry my own child then, and I know that if I had wanted a child, I wouldn't have it any other way. No, I'm not having doubts, I'm just sharing thoughts that I never did share before but already have gone through several months ago, and writing this down now doesn't even affect me emotionally. Writing a shopping list makes me more emotional. Also years ago. So they're not new for me and I've gone through them and made my decision based on those thoughts as well.

Lowering testo after my hysto. I kinda slightly fear I might have to go back to using testogel then, if nebido is already giving me very high levels of testosterone despite me only taking it once every 14th to 15th week. At the end of each interval (when I'm just about to have a next shot), I'm very close to the max limit of what's considered healthy testo levels for a man. I feel reluctant to having to go back to the gel cause I know I'll most likely forget my daily dosage quite often which would mess up my levels and I remember the hassle of having to apply it every single day. And I'd like to avoid that shit. I know I didn't "officially" take testogel, but only as self medication before I was prescribed anything hormone by an endocrinologist, but I still took it in the recommended dosage and followed the instructions, so as an experience, it counts. But if I can't keep taking nebido after my hysto, I don't think there is any other solution than to go back to the gel. Nebido only comes in 1000 mg per 4 ml vials here according to the universal Swedish medicine list website "fass.se" which lists every medication available, and some outdated ones, as far as I know.

Yeah I've thought of this several times before, for at least the past 7-8 months or so, but it's not like I can actually research how my body is gonna respond to my injected testo after a hysto when my natural estrogen levels will be close to zero. Not even a doctor or endocrinologist can know that before that hysto. It's a wait and see kind of thing. I've actually never heard of any other trans guy who strongly prefers injected testo over gel, so to the point of being reluctant to use gel if he has to. The other way around is much more common, as so many seem to be scared of needles. I'm not scared of the gel, but am reluctant because of having to use it every single day instead of once every third month as I so comfortably do with nebido, making it a kind of hassle that my memory eventually starts to become selective about.

It's the same with my daily medication, that I try to remember taking, but frequently forget because I don't want to take it. But I still very much want the effect. It's a problem I don't know how to work my way around, regardless of what it is I need to remember. Same goes for eating food, sleeping, showering (although that's more an every other day thing, but same principle still applies) and even just using the toilet. Just because of the act itself being so much of an inconvenience and hassle that I subconsciously block it out of my mind without intending to. Having alarms or other reminders don't help because I block them out or ignore them cause of my extreme reluctance.

This pretty much only goes for things I need to do daily (except from showering then) because of the frequency combined with the repetition frustrating me, and because I don't enjoy doing any of those things. And I can't ignore that frustration, I can't talk myself into it often enough to even make it a habit. It's common for most people to have a more difficult time making themselves do necessary things that they don't enjoy, compared to doing things they have an interest in doing, but for me it's very extreme and I'm almost incapable of doing things I do not enjoy without a lot of talking myself into it and forcing myself every single time, even if my life so depended on it. Like with food for example. Apparently that's a very common symptom of adhd and add, which I likely have but haven't been properly tested for yet (I'm on waiting list). And even if I do manage to make it a habit for as much as several months, it's still very likely I will break that habit way too easily again and I'm back at square one. This is essentially why my sleep pattern has been a complete mess for the past 15 years.

I really don't want to mess with my hormone levels like that again, but I just know that if nebido won't work for me after hysto, I will have no other choice cause there just isn't one. If my testo levels sky rocket on nebido and I'm already taking it extremely seldom (it says on fass.se that it's meant to be taken between every 10th and 15th week) I don't think I can reasonably just take it even more seldom and expect that to work. And it doesn't come in smaller dosages. So then I'd have dangerously high levels probably converting into estrogen for I don't know how long after a shot, until it eventually goes down to healthy levels and then take the next shot and it sky rockets again, and so on. I don't think my endo would be completely fine with that situation, and neither would my body. So then alternatively I'll be on a constant fucking roller-coaster of varying testo levels essentially forever until I die of old age while taking the gel cause I can't make myself take it often enough to keep the levels steady instead. Lovely. I guess I'll deal with it then, but I've been wanting to express this concern of mine with my endo, however I don't think I'd get an appointment with her just for that. But maybe I or someone else should inform her about that I am going to have a hysto relatively soon so that it won't come as a complete surprise for her afterwards as it will affect my hormone levels and warrant a new appointment and for more blood tests to be taken again, cause that is an issue that is on her table. So yeah. I don't know.

So there's quite a bit of question marks I kinda need to straighten out at some point or another, but it's either just details about the different surgeries or post-operative stuff I can't possibly know about yet. So it might sound like those are big concerns of mine, but over all it's more like "I'll deal with it". I just wanted to kinda share my thoughts as they go in my head, but there really isn't much of any emotion attached to them, so in the end I kinda shrug instead of worry. This is more just to clarify I've thought of the stuff that might be important to at least have considered, so you know they won't come as a shock to me at some point or another. That I'm aware and quite prepared for all sorts of things by now. Although probably not everything.

I came across a youtube video of/by another trans man who I subscribe to which made me wonder about bottom surgery and its prevalence among other trans men in general again. He pretty much rambled for 10 minutes about that he has bottom dysphoria (it's a very recent video) but doesn't feel comfortable packing and not packing and doesn't want any kind of bottom surgery. It surprised me how often I see this in other trans men about their relationships to their own lower halves, but when it comes to their chests it's pretty damn simple and straight forward: I have chest dysphoria so I'm gonna have top surgery. But when it comes to the lower region, they're very often running in circles, trying to figure out ways to handle their dysphoria other than surgery. I honestly don't get it.

Sure, I had a pretty long period (6,5 years) where I had bottom dysphoria but decided to not go for bottom surgery at that time, but I knew I wanted it someday, because of my dysphoria. I just needed to straighten out my thoughts, feelings and future goals first. I had barely come out of the closet in 2009 when I knew that I wanted to have meta and hysto one day, but I hadn't even begun taking testo yet at that point, so I knew it was very far ahead for me back then. And I didn't re-visit that thought again until sometime in early 2013, when those thoughts of "wanting" to have a child popped up out of nowhere. I hated that it meant I had to reconsider my future bottom surgery plans, so when the time came that I had been on testo for several months, had had top surgery and went to see my surgeon for a follow up and he asked me about bottom surgery, I simply had to tell him that it wasn't of interest to me at that point. It stung saying that to him then, because it was of interest to me, but essentially I couldn't have it because I thought I wanted to get pregnant and have a child.

All the time I knew I actually wanted bottom surgery more than I wanted to have a child, but that surgery would obviously make me infertile so I would have to have the child first, but then it was never a good time or place for that to happen. So I tried to make amends with my lower regions while I waited for the right time to have that child, without being able to find such peace. Instead it got worse, slowly over time until I reached a significant breaking point. And conveniently enough my feelings of "wanting" a child started to wear off at roughly the same time. Perhaps somewhere subconsciously I knew that it wasn't even worth it anymore. My dysphoria was making a hell of a lot more of a mess of me than I could possibly deal with. Waiting any more than absolutely necessary simply wasn't an option. So perhaps that timing wasn't a coincidence. Maybe my extreme increase in bottom dysphoria helped killing off my assumed wish to have a child, along with me simply realising that parenthood was not a responsibility I ever wanted to have or be completely tied to for a very large portion of my future life, that I still actually don't even like children, and to prevent myself from becoming an abusive parent which I could very likely have become if I had decided to continue going for that route. But of course I did lie both to myself and others about how very likely I thought it would be that I would become violent towards my own child if I would have one, to justify having one.

The only thought about that which still somewhat haunt me is: what if Caspian is meant to be my child? In that case he can't be born, ever. Or his soul will bloody have to find another way of getting born here, if he isn't already here somewhere. Souls aren't attached to a certain set of dna, as far as I know. And I'm not giving up bottom surgery a second time for the extremely slim chance of my offspring being him, cause what if it isn't? Adoption next please? People could call me an irresponsible twat for far less. Would I date my own child though? Well, if it actually would have been Caspian, and I'd wait with anything inappropriate until he'd be of legal age, then fuck yeah I would. But it's not going to happen cause I'm getting myself infertile, so chill if you're getting worried now, whoever's reading this. I can openly fantasise about taboo shit that's never gonna be possible in reality, without it hurting anyone in the slightest. Me having biological children is never gonna happen cause I'm not even gonna freeze any of my eggs prior to my hysto and I don't have any frozen ones as of now or from before. So I can fantisise whatever shit I want about my imaginary child, because that child is never possibly going to exist in reality. Thus, no harm can ever come to it, no matter which disturbing places my thoughts may lead me to. I get that it might still be creepy though.

For better or worse, I keep trying

I keep getting submerged in political opinions, facts, argumments, agreements and disagreements online, especially on youtube. As I become more and more invested in that kind of thinking, it's getting all the more difficult to take a step back and focus on other things. Even when I play WoW, or look at non-political youtube videos, or scroll on tumblr, draw or take silly online quizzes, my mind simply won't shut up about it. It started out by me noticing the new transgender rights argumments about a year ago, and for the most part I agreed with them. I thought it was reasonable and inclusive and open-minded as most other trans people online seemed to think as well. But then as I started to get more involved and learning more, as well as stumbling upon others who had the opposite opinions, I was appalled and couldn't believe how I could have been fooled so easily. Me, getting manipulated by those of my own community that consists of a mostly friendly minority, or so I thought? Yeah, apparently.

Having been fucked over like that not only aggrevated me but lead me to investigate it further, and before I knew it I was heavily involved in everything sjw and anti-sjw, listening to both sides of the same arguments. So it started with transgender rights issues, but then evolved to also include feminism, racism, freedom of speech, religion politics and a lot of smaller issues more or less related to those. Perhaps not so strange that I turned against the sjw movement with how much I've always been for free speech and equality, even for the assholes of society who hate my kind of people, whatever label or category of mine that would be. I started deliberately exposing myself to transphobia and homophobia, as well as ableism to some extent, online to become more desensitised to better handle getting that kind of crap. It would make it easier to enter certain argumments online, and it has worked quite well so far.

My goal with that was to be able to keep my head cool in situations where people personally attack me, or "push my buttons" enough so that I could respond in a calm and effective manner without letting their shit get to me. And it has proved to be very effective, slowly over time. As far as I and others know, the majority of the trans community agree in various degrees with the sjw's, making us opposing them quite few in numbers. Or possibly that we aren't fewer, just less likely to speak up about it. The few of us who do though, tend to get a lot of shit from our own community, although I've somehow managed to dodge that so far. I'm sure it won't last forever and people will most likely start turning against me too eventually. Somehow that's a risk I'm willing to take. Of course I don't want to make enemies over something as stupid as politics, which is why I keep making an effort to not resort to verbal abuse/harrassment when arguing with those who do not agree with me. They're perfectly allowed to disagree with me, but I will not accept them forcing their opinions on me. But sometimes I do not succeed with that if the person's skull is particularly thick and they're especially overly sensitive towards almost literally everything I say or potentially could say.

My agenda doesn't include catering to their over-sensitivity by extreme sugar-coating or avoiding a lot of words that they don't like hearing, but explaining why I think they're misinformed and why their entire ideology is harming people, but they manage to get offended by me and others like me simply breathing. Yet they keep offending me. So I admit I've gone a little too far at a few times without initially intending to. Sure, I've got to work on my tactics of discussion too, never said I didn't.

I did start to question my stance on feminism about a few months or so ago, and although I'm still not entirely sure where exactly I stand in regards to that or which label would actually be correct for me to use for myself, I can now say that I know enough to firmly ditch the "feminism" label. Not cause of not wanting gender equality, but actually because I do want gender equality. Apparently it's a hell of a lot more confusing than I used to think, under the surface, and it actually just comes down to the difference between what each organisation claims to stand for versus what they actually stand and work for achieving. As simple, and as complicated, as that. But then I also have more reasons to stand against feminism, which I'm not gonna get into detail with right now, but things such as that it treats especially trans men quite badly in most types/sub-categories of it, and of course TERF's (trans exclusionary radical feminists) treat trans women extremely badly. So, what labels I'd use instead is probably something along the lines of egalitarian, MRA -supporter (men's rights activist) and anti-feminist. With the reasoning that although feminism claims to stand for gender equality, what they actually stand for is women's rights, and only women's rights. Sure, they subtley pretend to care about men's rights too, but they haven't done anything to prove that in the slightest. It's basically a publicity stunt to get more followers, and apparently it's been working exceptionally well for decades. Of course I too stand for women's rights, but not to the cost of men's rights.

So, when I say "anti-feminist" I don't mean I'm against gender equality, I only mean I'm against the feminist movement/organisation itself and what they truly stand and work for. Feminism is an ideology, but it's not the only ideology that represents gender equality. So whenever you hear the term "anti-feminist" being thrown around, it is not the same as "sexist" or being against gender equality, but that is what a lot of people think. Egalitarian does truly stand for gender equality, but it's not an organisation that works for it. It's just a label to describe people who believe men and women should have equal rights and responsibilities, advantages and disadvantages. So it's more a descriptive word than an organisation that has group meetings and riots. As far as I know it doesn't. And I recently adapted the "MRA -supporter" label to emphasise that men's rights are being highly neglected in society and the MRA's get a lot of shit for just wanting for men to not be discriminated against by the law, so they kinda need every extra supporter that they can get and I'll gladly be one. Just in case I have to clarify, no they're not misogynists or hateful towards women, or wanting more rights than women although they're often portrayed that way. They stand for women's rights too, but the difference is that they mostly speak up for men's rights because literally no one else does. And they did want to work together with feminists, but the feminists didn't even want to listen to them.

However I'm not sure if I really need 3 different labels for one way of thinking, but to me they're all reasonable and resonate with me. I guess I could even use them interchangably, or in different situations depending on the context. Or something like that. I kind of unavoidably got into that feminism/anti-feminism heap of things as a result of digging deeper into trans rights and the sjw movement, as the sjw's talk an awful lot about all kinds of gender issues and not just what involves and or affects LGBT people, and they hate on men (especially cis, white, straight men) far more openly as an integrated part of their feminist beliefs, than most actually reasonable feminists do. So no, not all feminists are bad just for being feminists. But the ideology itself still sucks. And I knew that in order to even know what I was talking about with other people, I had to start educating myself at least in the bigger topics of it all. Like for example, apparently the wage gap is a myth and doesn't exist anymore since sometime in the late 90's? I had no idea about that a few months ago. Sure I still have a lot more to learn, but I think I'm getting somewhere as it's starting to make sense in ways I did not expect they would now. I still probably mostly argue and discuss LGBT rights/issues above all else, but things float together at this point.

My goal is not to silence the sjw's and their views that I don't agree with, but to help raising the voices of the anti-sjw's and show I'm on their side. But truth be told? I do stand somewhere in the middle, or at least I agree with some of what the sjw's stand for and not all of what the anti-sjw's stand for. Maybe it's something like 30-70 with that or something. Or 20-80 but it's certainly not 0-100 by any means. I'm not really against non-binary, but I am against letting non-binary be interchangable with transgender only because it harms a lot of transgender people who don't identify as non-binary.

Because people at large these days, when they hear the term transgender, regardless of context, immediately jump to the conclusion that every transgender person is non-binary and sjw and they think of those as complete fucking morons who constantly claim victimhood, wanting to be "oppressed", obsessed with trigger warnings, safe-spaces and all kinds of ridiculous things that essentially makes all trans people look really bad to the majority of people, regardless of if they actually are or not. Like giving trans people a "bad name" has become a vast understatement and it doesn't just apply to the average person posting crap comments on youtube, but also teachers at schools, doctors, psychiatrists, employers... basically just about anyone. All kinds of trans people are suddenly being demonised by false accusations because of the sjw's, because most of them identify as non-binary which they claim is a form of being transgender. Thanks a bunch.

But I still know that not all non-binary identifying people are sjw's and not all sjw's identify as non-binary. But then it seems everyone identifying as non-binary regardless of their political stance wants to be included into the term transgender for pretty much the same reason. Are they wrong, by definition? I can't say either a clear yes or no, but judging by the direction this has taken and the consequences of them claiming to be transgender - I would strongly prefer it if it could be solved in some other way that could work for both parties. But of course it gets complicated with those who actually are trans but also claim to be non-binary. I don't think I'd be the best person to just sit and decide who belongs where and that's not what I'm trying to do either. I don't have a solution to this very real and urgent problem, but I might actually be onto something that could potentially work in everyone's favour, but it would be disliked by most. It's a compromise, that I know would be very hissed at, but it's not wrong and at least in theory I think it could work, if people would be willing to accept using terms for themselves and each other that they don't actually want to use. It is an idea that I haven't heard anyone ever suggest so far, on either side of the argument, so I'll keep it to myself for now, as I'm still uncertain if bringing it up would even be remotely helpful. Kinda need to know what I'm getting myself into first, as it is controversal. Also how to make it known to a large/important enough audience if I do eventually decide to take that route, I wouldn't know either.

So that's what I'm doing with my miserable life these days. Not even sure if it's productive, "good" or just obsessive. But it's something, I guess. And I also guess there are worse things I could spend my too-much-free -time on. I believe I do have good intentions though, with the goal to try to help "save" both the trans community and our reputation among the general population, preferably without stepping on too many people who disagree with me on my way. I've been wanting to write this more thoroughly than I had up until this point, but couldn't manage to finish a text comprehensive enough before I got bored with it or wanting to re-write the whole lot of it. I'm aware I left a lot of things out, but this would become a massive text that doesn't end if I would include absolutely everything. This is more meant to try to give the bigger picture and what's left out are just details. I'll probably write more about it later on, as my thoughts and feelings on these kind of topics continue to evolve and sort out as well as getting more entangled over time. So I say, to be continued, but I don't know when or how or if things will have changed in the future.

Fragmenting

"How can learning be a purpose? It's a preparation, but a preparation for what?" - late night thoughts about the meaning of life, while stumbling across something I needed to hear on youtube. Somehow he tells me that I'm just like those SJW's, but in a different way and with a different target. Or that's what's suddenly clicking in my head. I hold on, desperately, to a community that I've never felt like I belong to, and I try to fight for their rights when most of them don't even agree with me. Is it pointless? I vaguely remember something I thought quite some time ago. I think I was on the balcony to one of my illegally rented apartments in Uppsala when I had that thought. It was something like "I want the whole world to end, and I don't care if it starts with me."

Now it has found its way back to me, like a barely voiced reminder whispering: "you wanted this, you wished for it, then why fight it?" I really should learn to be careful with what I wish for. Like really, it's having devastating effects on my life. What if both God and Satan are both fulfilling my wishes in different and sometimes opposite ways, and it's causing a fucking harrowing mess. I don't dare to believe I'm truly that powerful, it would be insane. And I'm not saying that I do believe that. It's just a thought that hit me, and I don't put any weight on it. I don't see how my blatant, nihilistic, depressive and selfish wishes throughout my life have somehow affected the entire world around me, no matter my origin, and no matter my relationship with either God or Satan. That's absurd. But it also feels eerily absurd that these things happen after I've made those wishes. I think all I'm saying is that I'm probably reading way too much into coincidences, at the same time as fearing I might have some kind of divine power that I really don't want nor could possibly handle the responsibility over. If I couldn't even handle the thought of having the responsibility over one human child, then a whole world...? Almost as frightening as immortality.

It reminds me of how I all the more feel like I'm losing my grip over myself, which that guy in that youtube video talks about too. He does give me the impression of being highly intelligent and quite enlightened too, but I'm starting to wonder cause as time passes more other people seem to become smarter in my eyes as I just seem to become dumber. It feels like my mind is rotting. How I struggle so much more than usually to find words, sentences, anything, to describe my thoughts, feelings and experiences. They fall apart before they even begin. I feel like I'm losing my language and I can't pull it back to myself. Maybe I've been lying and manipulating myself and others too much until I don't know what is true anymore. I feel relieved and empowered by the darkness at the same time as I feel it's breaking me.

I don't have any solutions, as usual. It's 4:30 in the morning so I'll probably continue watching that video later on after I've gotten some sleep. I know that what I did in the quite recent past last year and beginning of this year is and has been affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Not so much on a directly emotional level, but intellectually as well as on a deeper level I don't know exactly what to call. How my nightmares as I sleep seem to be trying to tell me messages that I either forget as I wake up again or refuse to acknowledge, how I feel as though my mind is somehow fragmenting and I jump to odd conclusions and extreme explanations that really don't explain much of anything at all, how I'm grasping at straws but keep falling into the water, and how much hatred is filling up within me these days. I don't know where that hatred comes from, or if it's mainly targeted at myself or the world around me. I wonder if the way back to myself is forward.

But I still hold my belief that something, I don't know what, is trying to keep me from finding my way back to myself the way I was. That I'm supposed to want to enlighten and develop as a person but I object it and I refuse it unless it leads me to where I actually want to be. I'm not really talking about other people wanting for me to want something that I don't want, but this powerful force that may come from within myself or from somewhere in the cosmos for all I know, that is making me suffer from the choices I've made. It feels more like some kind of mental punishment than anything related to what I think or feel. I still don't feel remorse or empathy, but I don't make sense either. I can either keep on going or back down, and I'm probably not gonna do the latter, but I think this means that I'm gonna face more and other forms of resistence than I had first counted on. Not only do I set my own morals which society does not agree with, but apparently nature and my own subconscious don't agree with them either. But can I go against my own mind? Suddenly, the thought of how strong my willpower is gets an entirely new meaning.

Paths to ruin

I had a couple of dreams that were a bit more intense than usually. They were connected, but I got them separately. The first one at night just before I was abruptly awoken by some damn sales-woman calling me on my phone around 11 am (then calling me 3 times more later on as I hung up on her mid sentence), and the second one while I was napping some amount of hours later.

In the first one I was someone else, a random girl I didn't know, and she was tortured by some psycho killer or whatever. Some unknown type of person whom I never actually encountered. However he was poisoning her/me which gave a set of nasty symptoms. First all the teeth would fall out, but it wasn't like they just popped out, no it was much worse. I remember the crunching sound of them breaking in my mouth, the taste of blood, the intense pain and how it was impossible to bite down because of the intense pain and discomfort. There were metal needles sticking out from my gums (about a cm long, sharp) from between where each tooth had once been and I wonder if it was some kind of braces. There were sharp pieces left of some of the teeth that I kept hurting myself on. My entire mouth started swelling up and I was uncontrollably screaming and crying out in horror.

Then I switched to being another person, presumably the actual me, and I was a bystander. The girl was still in the dream, but I wasn't her anymore. Now she was the girlfriend of some random friend of mine. No one I know in reality, just some guy. However, the girl who had lost all her teeth now started to really deteriorate from the poison. She lied down on a dirty mattress in the dark, dirty room we all were in (these kind of gloomy spaces often appear in my dreams as the setting or scene) as she slowly lost conscience and her skin started to blacken in various places. Eventually she didn't move or respond at all, but was still alive. The boyfriend was extremely upset and desperately tried to find solutions and keep her alive, but to no avail.

Somewhere around that point I woke up by that stupid phone call, and I wanted to know what would happen to the girl if I had not been interrupted and kept on dreaming. In the next dream, the girl was around again, but it was my sister this time, and this was now some time after what had happened in the previous dream. Our parents had somehow managed to save her from the poison, and she was recovering. Still fragile, scared and always either upset or apathetic, she was well enough to walk around, eat food again (don't know how without the teeth) and interact with her family. We were all having dinner at one point when I for some reason lashed out on her and attempted to hurt/attack her.

My parents got both angry and scared but they didn't need to stop me, as I quickly realised what I was doing and fled the room and ran out of the house. Slammed the door so hard that the handle fell off on the outside. My parents yelled at me from the kitchen window. They yelled what was I thinking going to attack my sister, as well as telling me that they can't open the door again now, that I was locked out. I was mostly upset cause I had left my cigarettes indoors. Then I woke up from that dream too.

I think it might make sense that the girl in these dreams were supposed to be Anna. I know that all people in one's dreams are always the dreamer him-/ or herself, meaning all people in my dreams are me, but Anna is somehow a part of me, so I do think it's possible that my subconscious can make that distinction too. What strikes me is that yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt Anna more and more in the future, for various reasons, but the thing is that there is no solution to make both of us content and not suffering. In the end, one of us will always be hurt by the other. Or such is my belief. And I'm done sacrificing my own peace for hers. I need it to be reversed, much rather than that.

However, I realise that either way, there will always be conflict and if I hurt her, I subconsciously hurt myself in the process, because we're linked and joined. If I'll drown her, I'll start breathing water too. I've chosen a certain path for this life, that will most likely ruin me in the end. I don't regret anything, but somehow the thought "maybe I shouldn't have" sneaks into my mind from down below in the murky depths of my mind, like a faint whisper.

That's one of those thoughts that are too heavy to hold for too long; that carry too much, too intense meaning; capable of tearing up all the wounds at once in a heartbeat. I have to handle it very carefully. All I've ever seen is paths to ruin, one way or another. I need to keep up keeping myself divided from Anna, and view us as two separate beings. I don't want to become who I should have been had we not split. I resent it like nothing else. I'm scared of what that kind of future would mean. So I can't have us integrating, and that I just know, would be the only way to heal. So ultimately, I'm choosing to discard healing. That's what I mean by "path to ruin" like I'll always carry content and satisfaction in one hand for the choices I've made, but incredible pain and conflict for the consequences of those choices in the other.