Never give up

I felt happy for two months before I started falling apart again. Somehow I wish I had done more to prolong that happiness, but instead I kept isolating myself, starved and disappeared into my computer. But I respect that, I respect that I was afraid to go all out at the risk of losing the little happiness I had instead of gaining more. Because stress is never a good thing when it comes to my mood.

But I haven't lost all hope, I guarantee you. I still hope and dream and almost kinda expect a better future now. Just almost on that last part, but it's better than it used to be before in my life. But I'm falling again, into the old and new dark places. I know I'm not meant to be happy, but I'm trying to beat the odds. I'd rather die trying than give up, you know. But I don't know how or what to do. I need to ask my shrink that, maybe she's got some advice.

Cause just trying not to do things isn't quite working anymore. I don't know why, but I fall into temptation and it's hard when I lose control. So many things upset me, everything from my acne to my inability to be a part of the society and all else in between. And being so easily upset upsets me even more.

It's like maybe my lack of eating habits is finally taking control over me. Being constantly hungry can make anyone upset. It's not the best thing trying to lose weight when you're feeling like shit, but when else am I gonna do it? It's in my state of mind, it is my mind to feel like shit. Whenever, wherever, all the time. I know I take risks by doing so, and I also know it's not recommended to starve at all.

I'm slowly developing an eating disorder and I just sit here and do nothing about it. Cause if I get an eating disorder I will definitely lose weight. And yes, I realise just how wrong that sounds. I'm not stupid, I know I'm taking huge risks by keeping this from my doctors. I keep fooling them, telling them I eat very little and try to lose weight but I don't tell them that I'm desperate to lose weight, obsessed by it, willing to do anything for it. About my very poor body image or that I'm pro-ana.

I play a twisted game with doctors, manipulating and fooling them to believe what I want them to believe. I'm not quite in my right mind. Cause I seek doctors to help me but then I don't let them help me. I've been in this carousel for too long, too long to know how to fool them. That I know they make the priorities about what I should get help for first and I don't like that. So I only tell them about what I want to get help for and keep the rest from them. If I wanted help for my eating problems I would gladly discuss that. If I didn't have to worry about telling them about my psychotic tendencies, I would gladly tell them about that too.

But they are just as much stuck in a rut as I am. They have their guidelines and rules to follow. To them, my self harm and suicidal tendencies come first, and my basic needs like food and sleep come second. Then the psychotic stuff seemed to have come third when I was open about that several years ago. My priorities is everything else. At every damn meeting there is truth I have to withhold, and it completely drains me, trying to figure out what to say in denial. I've had some practise, but I have no idea if I'm a good liar or not. Maybe it depends on who I'm lying to.

Running from reality

Going to go to the gym today, not just have to, I'm really going. But I still haven't eaten and I don't think I can. Would it be a terribly bad idea to go there and work my ass off without having eaten in 24 hours? Sure it should be more effective, right? Burning off calories without adding any, I mean. Okay, I guess I can take a diet drink. But then I'll have to burn more than 180 calories. If I drink it all, that is. Maybe I'll just have half of it or something.

Gah, there's definitely something wrong with me if I think 180 calories for an entire day is too much... Don't wanna obsess about calories again. It was stressful enough last spring/summer. Though I do remember some of what I calculated back then, that one lump of sugar contains 16 calories for example. And one glass of milk about the same amount. Lol, that makes it like 50 calories in just one cup of coffee for me. Trying not to get bothered by that.

I'm so tense today, don't know why. Well I have been all week, probably just got too much on my mind lately. Exercise, food and K mostly. And that coat I'm making. Almost forgot about that one. I only have to get buttons now, if I can just get my ass off to the fabric store before they close down for good. If they do, I'll have to think of something else. Some other way to get buttons. It's been said that they're going out of business "sometime soon" for over a year now.

That damn diet drink contains sugar. What the fuck? I thought you're supposed to avoid that when you're on a diet to lose weight, which is what they are made for. I don't understand...

Just got back from the gym. Feeling kinda awesome after working out for an hour. Did only upper body today, and didn't forget my stomach muscles. There were a lot of people there today, and I don't know exactly why but I had a hard time knowing where to look. Didn't want to accidentally stare at someone. Lots of good looking people of all genders and my mind just kept wandering instead of focusing on what I was there to do.

I had so much anxiety prior to going to the gym. I don't know why I did. Just hoping that the more I go there the less anxiety I'll get because of it. Like getting used to it or something. Pretty sure I burned more calories than I ate today, which is kinda awesome. So now I don't feel bad sitting by my computer again and listening to insanely loud music.

Starve for control

I think a whole lot about food and eating, don't I? A bit too much I'd say, cause it makes me sick just thinking about it. My relationship to food has become worse, I realise. I still wanna lose weight and not eat, but I wish I could stop obsessing about it. Maybe it's just a phase, maybe I won't get an eating disorder.

At least I hope so, cause I don't want to get new problems all the time. But I know I'm in the risk zone. I've been a bit pro-ana to be honest, though I'm not proud of that. Not at all. I mean I've been jealous of anorexic people, that they can keep such control over what they're eating when I couldn't. That they can stay thin and even if they get better they're not likely to ever get fat. More likely to fall back though, but still. Yeah, I'm fucked up, I know...

I am a control freak, even though it might not be obvious. There's so much that I feel is out of control which drives me crazy, so I have to find things that I can control. And I found out I could control what I'm eating last spring, or at least I tried. I impatiently tried to be anorexic, or at least living that way. I was desperate to lose weight. I still am.

For every kilo that I lose I get inspired to lose more. I starve constantly and have done so for months at an end now. Almost a year (I don't remember exactly when it started). "Good" thing that my metabolism can handle that. I say good like that cause I want to see more results from my lack of eating. I don't just starve cause I hate food, I do it cause I hate my body.

My body image is really bad and my self esteem is low. I can still eat properly when offered food though, unless it's really disgusting of course. I don't eat much, cause there's just not so much room in my stomach anymore. That tends to happen when you eat very little for a long time.

I don't know what happened last spring. What drove me to this way of living. I had been over weight for almost two years by then, so it wasn't a recent weight gain. But for some reason I must have just snapped eventually. That I needed for something to be done about my hatred towards my body.

I've always hated the way I look and thought I was too fat since I was about six or seven years old. It's almost amazing I lasted this long without eating disorders. If you look at it that way. Eating has always been a problem one way or another and so has the way I look been for me, it's just that last year they combined. All I see is a downward hill but it could also still change. I'm not there yet, I could turn it around... if I wanted to. And that is my problem. If I really don't want to have an eating disorder, why don't I do something about that?

Cause it's always been a goal in my life to be thin and good looking, just like for (almost) everyone else. And I'm working towards that goal, so why would I wanna ruin that? I'm one of few who actually said "I've had enough" and went to do something about it. No way I'm gonna stop now. No way, I'm just starting.

When to stop and start

I don't know why, but it's like I just wanna lose weight for the sake of losing weight, if that makes any sense at all. Like the thought has possessed me somehow. Been thinking about it for too long perhaps. When was it I first tried to start losing weight last year? April, May, June? Sometime around there. I remember being so eager to lose it as fast as possible, all 20 kilos or more.

Cause I do wanna be thinner, and in my heart I don't want to stop at 60 kg. 55 would be closer to my actual goal, but not less than 50. Cause that is underweight and I don't want to be scrawny. Just thin enough to not be able to have any sort of curves, you know.

I envy the really thin transguys, cause they have it so much easier in a way. They have a better start than I have/had. I have to work so much harder to get rid of my curves. And it's like I'm willing to do basically anything for that. Now more than ever, cause now I have most of my crazy brain under control, or I'm not so bothered by my craziness, and I can focus on what matters most. What has always mattered most.

Am I really that vain, that the way I look is my number one concern? The question answers itself, or I wouldn't have put it there. Maybe I'm just finally doing what I should have started doing years ago, or maybe I am getting a little obsessed. When the war in my mind is replaced by another kind of war. Me and my wars...

Now I'm starting

I went to the gym. Totally passed (I was a bit worried that I wouldn't) and it was free because it was my first time there. There were a few others there but the place wasn't packed. According to the exercise bike I sat on for nearly 30 minutes I burned 160 calories, dunno if that is much or little, didn't wanna restrain myself too much. I guess the meter wasn't exact either.

Then I just checked out some machines and did a little full body work out, at least so I thought, but I haven't felt this weak and exhausted in a long time. In a very good way of course. Thinking I might drag myself there about twice a week, and continue taking walks every day. Good deal? Cause I'm kinda done being lazy.

Well, just wanted to get a feel for the environment in there really, so I'm not gonna do full body work outs every time. And mostly I wanna work on my upper body, but not exclusively. Haven't really thought that out yet, to be perfectly honest. Take it as it comes, I guess.

Damn, I'm hungry. But I don't want to eat now, I've just burnt calories, don't want to add them again... Gah, my head is empty. Too tired, I guess. Be back later.

A good way to start

I'm a bit distracted. Get into imaginary conversations already though I just woke up. Have a sensation this will be a busy day. If my mind is so clear and intense already, I mean.

It looks warm and sunny outside, a nice day for a walk. For my daily walk. I start with a walk right after my morning coffee these days. Well, my mornings tend to happen at any time of the day. Morning for me is first two or so hours after I wake up; whether it's actually morning, noon or afternoon.

Getting dressed, start my computer, have a coffee and one or two cigarettes, then a fast and short walk around half the block. It's about three or four houses that I walk around and it takes a couple of minutes or so. I think it's effective cause it makes me wake up and stop yawning and stretching uncontrollably.

I have another appointment at the district health care centre May 7th and I need to tell them that this surgical tape is starting to irritate my skin. I've worn such tape every night and day for almost two months now and I think my skin needs to breathe.

I didn't think I'd say this, but I want my dead nipples to fall off now so it can heal faster so that I won't need to wear that tape over them all the time anymore. I want to be free of it, even if that means ugly scars. The scars aren't gonna be pretty anyway, so.

I remember that at the first meeting with the surgeon I was intended to have to begin with, in August, I said that I have no problem with getting more scars. Feels like I have to eat my words now...

Okay, just had my walk. It's even warmer than I thought it was, and my leather jacket was too warm. Used the five step stair up to my apartment floor as a little exercise as well. Walked them up and down a few times. Stairs are good.

Dreading that I have to start eating again when I want to start building muscles. I know you can't starve and expect muscle gain, I've seen and heard of what happens then. You just lose weight and it's restraining and not very rewarding the way you want it to be. If I was way thinner it would eat at my muscles instead of me gaining them, but since I still have a lot of fat to take of (I might not be fat, but my percent of body fat is quite high for a guy of my size) it will most likely just make me lose more of that. My BMI is at 22,7 so it's very much a normal weight for my height. (19-25 is that normal range).

Of course I wanna get thinner, but that is not the way to get toned, if you know what I mean. There's a difference in how to do it depending on what results you want to achieve. I'm not completely clueless. So I don't just have to change what I'm eating, I have to start eating something altogether. I'll look into that later.

Though since I do want to lose more weight I think I can with success make a gradation to eating more and exercise more over time. Start with condition work out while I'm still barely eating should make me lose weight fast, and then start eating more and more as I move on to more heavy exercise. Good deal? That way I won't shock my body into new routines either. At least that is my vague plan just so that I know where to start.

I kinda wanna start right away, but of course the gym is closed today. Tomorrow at 17:00, I'll be there! They're only open between 16:30 and 20:00 so I can't really go there earlier. I'm "solving" the locker room hassle by going there already changed and then I go home for the shower. It's only a ten minutes walk to there so it won't be a problem.

I want to have a hard time explaining why I look so fit to my surgeon at our follow up in the summer. Like he would explain that I wasn't supposed to start with that until later and I'll act like I don't understand why he would accuse me for doing that. I don't know, I could be wrong about that though. I'm just not gonna ask.

Getting back to that

My eating habits, or lack there of, might start to become a problem. I only have three things on my menu: sandwiches, noodles and diet drinks. It's been like this for several months now, starting sometime in November or December last year. With some eating problems already before that, of course.

The only exception was during Christmas and new years, but I didn't stuff myself so much then either. Sometimes I eat sweets though, like once or twice in a month, so I'm not completely against that. Not so very varying diet, and not so much of anything really. Almost no meat or vegetables.

I don't like talking about food or eating, but it just crossed my mind. That it's been like this for months now. Cause I seriously thought that this was a phase that would pass and then I'd start feeding on pizza and microwaved meals again. Instead, I'm gonna have a dinner consisting of two pieces of hard bread with ham and a cup of coffee. It's either that or plain, spiced noodles. All I care about is to stop the hunger and that as quickly and effectively as possible.

My guess is that I get around 500 calories a day, maybe less, maybe a little more. I've lost 3 kg in as many months. Why I don't lose more weight has probably something to do with all that sweet coffee and tea I drink every day.

Gosh, I really care more about my weight than I care about my health. It's like I'd risk malnutrition for a smaller butt. Priorities, I seem to get back on that issue a lot. What is more important and why are my priorities a bit, erhm... fucked up?

How many obsession do I have really...

I feel guilty eating sweets, like I'm asking for a weight gain. I know that thought is possessing my mind these days, poisoning my mind, but I let it. I let it torture me until I've reached my goal. I know that without trying I can steadily keep a weight, any weight really. It's just getting there that is hard.

I didn't gain weight because of bad habits, I gained it as a side effect from my medication. First from Risperdal in 2006 when I went from 55 to 70 kg. Then I got down to 60-63. Then from Lyrica or Cymbalta, I don't know which one, I got up to 80 kg. And now I've gone down to 68.

Now I'm very careful with what I put in my stomach, including medicine. Every time I try a new drug I'm very keen on being absolutely 100% sure it won't make me fat. That's why I'm not taking Zyprexa so much anymore, cause if I take too much or too often it has that side effect. I have Abilify instead, which is much safer.

I can see the smirks on people's faces when I tell them I really wanna lose weight. They only see above my waist and make the conclusion that I'm thin enough as it is. Not that I like it when people stare at my ass, but how can they not see that I'm overweight? My BMI is at 26, I'm not lying or anything. Normal weight BMI is between 19 and 25, so go figure. I wanna be at 19.

So I might not be fat, but I'm not exactly thin either. And I hate my body so painfully much I just can't stand it. And now I'm living on diet shakes, tea and a small sandwich every other day but still can't lose weight. I have to eat even less, get sweeteners for my tea instead of real sugar, not "cheat" with sandwiches and definitely no candy.

"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" like Abney Park sings in their song "Creep". I so relate to that right now. I got so angry when I saw that I had not lost any weight since last time I weighed myself right after New Years. This isn't a punishment though, just that I realise that I have to be harder on myself if I'm gonna make it work.

At least I'm dedicated, but it takes more than just will to make dreams come true, right? I've been at it for more than six months and all I've lost is 10 kg. Might seem like a lot to some people, but that isn't very helpful. What would be helpful? Change my metabolism, that would be good...

Weekly maintenance

Oh fuck, it's Wednesday. What do I hate about Wednesdays? World of warcraft is under its weekly maintenance. Shut down until 11 o'clock. Instead I try to listen to "The Hobbit" on audio book. But writing one thing and listening to another isn't easy. Not impossible, as you can probably tell, but sure not easy.

I recognise a little in the book, not just the imagery I get from the first movie, but the text itself. I remember my father tried to read it to me and my sister when we were little. It wasn't to our liking though, I couldn't understand a daft. Even though it was in Swedish back then and I listen to it in English now. Still haven't seen the second movie. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, it's just that my family didn't like the first one and therefore they didn't wanna see the sequel at the cinema. So simply I have to wait until it's out on DVD. And no, I don't know what's wrong with my family, to not like The Hobbit movie! Shame on them.

It's too early for this now... I can't concentrate. But can I ever? Concentrate, I mean, on anything at all. I think it's a shame that I can't read books these days. They take so much time and concentration and my attention span just snaps in two and my thoughts start to wander. I get ideas and it starts crawling under my skin, the need to do something else.

I can't concentrate on one particular thing for more than around 15 minutes these days. And before you say it, yes it includes world of warcraft as well. How do think I can write so much in a day and yet play so much WoW? I shift back and fourth and back and fourth all the time, about every fifteenth minute.

Just one more hour before I can log in... I hate waiting. But at least I know how much longer I'm supposed to wait. It's so much harder to be waiting when you don't know how long it's gonna take. Like waiting for my love, or for that surgery to take place.

When I have no guarantee, not even that it will actually happen. I lose hope, gain hope, and go through every possible emotion on the way. Love, fear, hate, anger, joy, excitement, restlessness, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt and combinations between them all.

I still haven't lost more weight since after Christmas, still stuck on 68 kg. Why the fuck can't I lose more weight? I need to get harder on myself, restrict my eating/food habits even further. I need to get down to 60 kg before the summer, but I just don't know how to without exercise. Cause I just have to admit that I hate moving around. I hate panting, sweating, feeling my body bounce around. It's disgusting.

I do get inspired when I see others working out or talk about it, it's not that, but if I just even imagine myself in that position it just makes me feel sick. Another part about being human that I just absolutely hate.

Keep listening to "Shallow grave" by The Birthday Massacre as I have been doing for the last one or two days now. Sometimes I take a break and listen to other songs by the same band. But that song is definitely my favourite.

30 more minutes... getting eagerly unsatisfied here. And I don't even know what more to write about. It's snowing outside. Third time this year, or maybe it's the fourth. We didn't get a white Christmas on Gotland. But now it's all white with slippery streets.

I've lost my boots. How does one lose a pair of huge, heavy leather boots?! I lose anything and everything whether it's possible or not. If I had a car I'd probably lose track of that one too. Lose as in "tappa bort" not "förlora". Just to make it clear. Wow, I don't think I've written a single word in Swedish here in months before now. Felt weird.

I'm worried about my love. Can't tell you why, but I have my reasons. I see signs that shouldn't be ignored, yet I can't think of anything to say. I recognise myself in him, and that alone is enough to get anyone worried. Yet no one else seem to be. Though there are just subtle signs, one could think it would bring up a little more attention.

Oh well, hopefully I'll think of something to say. Something not insipid or thoughtless, something that I would want to hear in his situation. Cause of course I care, I just don't know how to show it.

Still obsessing about WoW

I woke up so many times tonight, thinking that I just had to get up early to play WoW before the meeting. So when I woke up the last time around 7:00, I though I might as well just do that then. I'm still obsessed with playing world of warcraft, and started the day with buying a bunch of expensive glyphs (with in game currency of course). Sure I could have transferred my goblin who has inscription and just made them myself, but that would be tedious and he can't even make most of the glyphs that I wanted.

Should need to decide which realm I want all my "important" horde characters, but as of now I have most of them on Sha'tar and the rest on Argent Dawn. Both role play servers. I transferred my main hordie to the latter just yesterday, because I wanted to make that robe and shoulders I mentioned in a previous entry. Or did I...? However, I needed my tailor available.

I fit into my old, favourite pair of jeans now. They are tight, and clench my stomach when I sit down, but they fit. Should get stretch jeans, that way I wouldn't have to feel so fat in them. Though they itch cause I'm a little sensitive to the elastic material in clothing. Yeah, even socks itch. Very well then, just gonna finish off a few quests before I head out the door.

Pessimystic

Damn you mind, why did I have to get extreme lack of appetite over the Christmas holiday? I think I've even lost some weight. Cause all of a sudden my favourite hoodie seems two sizes too big. I really know how to complain about everything, don't I? I want to lose weight, but I also want to indulge a little in the end of December.

Today I'm quite a mess. Couldn't sleep at all tonight, so I've been awake for around 26 hours and the last time I ate something was around 6 or 7 last night. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to starve myself, I just don't try to eat either.

I try to listen to my body, somewhat. I look at the time and say to myself "I should eat something" but then I try to figure out if I can go on a little longer without food. And usually I can. I'm just very lazy really. Too much effort to fix food, even just smearing butter on a piece of bread.

And then it's the thing that I don't know what to do while I'm eating. Can't play WoW, draw, write or anything really. I so hate just sitting on my ass and chew on something more or less boring until I stop only because it's too damn boring.

Hah, I bet you could compare me with the starving children in Africa now. That I have a fridge packed with food but I rather go hours and hours without eating because it's boring. But it's always been like that with me. I don't take these things for granted, and I hate being bound to always, every day for the rest of my life eat, sleep, wake up, going to the loo, and so on. Those basic needs. I'm just so fucking tired of doing them, and I wish I didn't have to.

I'm one of those few pessimists who compares eating with cleaning the house. Like: why should I clean the house when it gets dirty the next day anyway? And I'm like: why should I eat when my stomach always becomes empty again? It's like trying to fill a god damn black hole. Argh.. enough complaining for now.

*Title is from a song by Alice Cooper.

For better or worse

I’m down on 68 kg! That was years ago I was this thin! Well, “thin” is a bit of an overstatement. Got into my leather pants, they're a little itty bitty too tight, but I can walk around in them without discomfort. 12 kg down, 8 to go. Ah, I really miss weighing little enough for people to mistake me for being thin. Two “obstacles” I somehow seem to fight: testosterone that is known to cause weight gain (you get more muscle mass) and starvation is said to not make you lose weight (unless you're at it for a really long time, which I suppose I have been now, or well around 4 months. Don't really know if that is considered a long time though.) I'm also very careful about what medications I take, I refuse to take something that has weight gain as a side effect.

They have razorblades at ICA! I can't believe it! A 5-pack, meant for those kind of things you use to scrape of food residue from stoves with glass plate. Not as stylish as the old kinds, but on the other hand thicker and therefor steadier to hold and can take a little pressure. Jeez, I'm really talking about them as if they were tools for some kind of hobby! Ain't that the truth then, huh? I was so nervous buying them, thinking the clerk was gonna ask me what the fuck I’m intending to use them for. I even sort of practiced what I would have said if he did...

On my way home I saw a tarnished bike lying on the ground halfway to the store, by the road. I was thinking of taking it, but was unsure if some crazy lady would run after me screaming that I stole her bike. (It's a woman's bike). So I’m gonna wait a couple of days and then go back to see if it's still there. If it is, I will steal it. Now this is a really small commune, so if I do take the bike I plan to redecorate it a bit, just to make sure its real owner won't find out and let hell break lose.

And I really need a bike, and I’m too poor to buy one (even just a few hundred is too much). So according to my ethics, it's not wrong for me to steal one. Well, I generally don't think theft is wrong, but even less wrong in this case. Stealing something you need is better than stealing something you don't need. I think I started this habit when I was poor for real and had to completely depend on others for money just to survive and not end up on the street. Desperate times calls for desperate means. Sometimes I can't really believe I really was that close to homelessness. And if I had lost my apartment, my stubbornness and stupidity would have told me to still stay in Uppsala, even if it meant living on the streets or selling my ass and everything I owned. Rather than just move in with my parents here on Gotland. Oh, well. Then I got ridiculously rich for about a month and bought lots of things. Försäkringskassan had miscalculated and given me almost 50 thousand...

Now where was I? Yes. I really love having stolen objects, they get these sort of vibes or auras or something that just makes me value them more. And of course because I didn't have to pay for them! No guilt, no remorse, just excitement and a slight touch of joy. *cough* kleptomaniac *cough* Well, not compulsively stealing, just really liking it.

It doesn't happen that often nowadays. I don't visit other people's homes anymore and at School or the psychiatric department of the hospital in Visby, I haven't found much at all worth stealing. Just an eraser, some pencils, some papers loitering in a printer. Nothing really valuable or something that people would miss. They'll just think they misplaced the stuff or something, and I’ve never been confronted about it. Well at least not since I moved here. Kinda harmless in other words, or at least in my point of view. And I never shoplift, it's too damn risky and I’m quite keen on not getting caught. Not cause I think they'd deal out some horrible punishment or something, rather because of the shame of it.

I went a little beauty crazy earlier today as well. Shaved, washed, exfoliated and moisturised my face. It really isn't necessary anymore though, my skin is better than ever for some reason I can't figure out. No acne, no extra oily-ness, over all more even and fresher. Acne scars are healing up and becoming less red, which is about time if you ask me! I will always look a little scarred, but that's not a problem for me. I think that if I had perfect skin I would have cut my face or something to make it less perfect. I’ve always loved scars, anything from neat lacerations to acne to those from burn wounds. Barely noticeable or severe, intentional or from accidents, all is sexy. Now remind me again why I can't get a date, when I'd even consider dating severely scarred people and find them attractive?

Then I took a shower and extra carefully washed and dried my hair. Maybe next time I’ll even take a pair of tweezers and organise my overgrowing semi-mono eyebrows. Do they get fussier on testo? Or maybe it's just that I’ve let them grow wild for the last years. They've always been kinda bushy, much like my father's eyebrows. Hm, that's interesting. Also my mother once rather recently told me that my voice is much like my father's. I’m becoming more like him and less like my mother, appearance-wise. He might not look so attractive nowadays, but he was actually quite handsome when he was in my age. And for some creepy reason I don't find it weird thinking of my father as attractive... okay, not mentioning my relapsing incest ideas. I'm fucked up cause I’ve already tried that. No questions 'bout that, oki? It is illegal, you know.

The construction workers repainting the house are for the moment washing my window. That's nice of them.