Got a phone again, and I'm drawing ponies

Yay, I got a phone from my father, just to borrow for now. So, here's the pony that I drew yesterday that took me 7,5 hours to make. That one is called "Princess Cadence" so she's an actual one, or what to say. Not one of my own ideas. It was very fun to draw her even though it took literally half a day and made my brain all mushy at the end. Also I got a blister on my thumb but that could also have come from the lighter that I'm almost constantly using.

I'm so gonna draw more ponies and I've already started making a second one. It's a pony called "Queen Chrysalis" and very different from the first one. This one is grey and blue with a little green and is far easier to draw. Almost a bit too easy. I realised that my techniques when I draw fit very well for those ponies. With the strong contrasts, vibrant and vivid colours, shine and soft shadows. It's like a match made in Heaven, haha.

I don't feel very manly drawing those though. But then again I've never really been the manliest man or taken much pride in being what's considered manly at all. I do like drawing those girly horses even though I don't have much actual interest in them. I know it's a kid's show and they have figurines but that's about it.

Anyways, just a short update, I'll be back later with more nonsense to ramble about. Maybe when I finish this one I'm drawing right now. Maybe. I've gone over to a diet almost only consisting of coffee with sugar and oatmilk. I just don't want to eat. It's boring, time consuming and I simply don't feel like it.

I do however usually have a pre-made pie at the end of the day though, so I do get something more substantial than coffee in me. But not much. I do draw much more than I play WoW nowadays also, but sometimes I do play in breaks when I need to rest my mushy brain from all the details and thinking. Here's the pony Princess Cadence:

(By the way, it's not a dildo on her head, it's a crown...)

Underground

So, I've just been drawing constantly for 2 hours now and my vision is getting a little unfocused. My cell phone seem to have died on me for no apparent reason (typical, isn't it?) so now I guess I'm really underground. Write a comment here on my blog or something and I can give you my home phone number. Or send me an e-mail, I check that more often than here, if you want to reach me, that is. Now I can't write text messages with that phone but I can call and obviously take calls.

Sigh, it's always something. And now it's weekend so can't go and have it repaired until it's Monday again. Hopefully it's something minor that can easily be fixed, but maybe it's the battery and those are expensive... oh, well.

Anyway, I've started a new, big art project, which is a bunch of world of warcraft characters dancing in a ballroom. It's on A3 sized paper so got a little more surface to work on. So far I've done a blood elf female, an undead male, a troll male, a night elf male and a draenei female in that order. I'm currently working on a night elf female and a goblin male, and I know I will do an orc male somewhere too, but that's as far as I know right now. And I need more female characters to make it even. Maybe a dwarf or a gnome? I'm not even gonna try drawing tauren or worgen since their heads/faces are far too complicated for my particular talents.

Oh, and same with the pandaren. Also too complicated as they aren't closely resembling humans. And humans are boring, but I might throw one in in the background somewhere. I'm using the blender and the white gel pen a lot more on this drawing to create highlights. I've leveled up and don't only do shadows, but add highlights as well.

I sat up drawing the last of that male night elf last night until my eyes and hands were sore. I don't know why. Just couldn't let go of it, I guess. And now I'm drinking coffee like crazy because I don't want to eat. So tired of bread and bread is all I have. Except I got one pie left, but I'll save it for dinner. Have to go grocery shopping again today or tomorrow. That bloody bores me to death.

So, mostly I draw, then I play WoW or watch youtube videos in breaks. Writing doesn't get much space these days, mostly cause I just don't feel like it. It comes and goes and I let it do that. I started that big WoW project yesterday, late afternoon I think, and I believe it's gonna be done in the next couple of days if I keep at it like this. It is time consuming, but it's what I want to do, so yeah. Time has never really been an issue for me, cause time is basically all I've got.

And a bit of talent perhaps. I don't know, it's not like I was born with a "gift" to draw or something, it's something I've been doing since I was 3-5 years old and I just learned it during these last 22 years or so. And if you keep practicing something for 22 bloody years, don't you think you should be better at it than I currently am? See, no talent there. Just patience, time, learning, effort and interest.

However, drawing is what I do all days and I'd like to go back to that now. Just thought it was important to mention that about my phone and the rest is just me babbling as usual.

Still not quite back

I'm back home from my parents' place now and that means I can write here and smoke at the same time again. I spent a week there, mainly over Midsummer, until I got tired of that place. Though I'll miss the cats, they were very cute and charming, as they always are. I'm still not back online, I'm trying to protect myself from whatever is out there. That might sound silly, but I don't care.

Instead I play WoW and draw, but not simultaneously, of course. I bought more promarkers (yes, I'm crazy) and an A3 sized drawing pad so that I can make even more time consuming artworks. I've been looking up what promarkers other artists use, for tips and ideas for which ones to buy, so that I don't buy a lot of "this might work with that pen but I'm not sure, eh what the heck let's buy it".

Like I bought 3 red ones that someone else was using so that I would know they work together with each other. But then still chancing around with pink and purple since no one seems to know how to match those. So, like I got plum for aubergine and purple but it didn't match at all, but it does match with maroon. And then I got cerise to go with rose pink and blossom but that didn't work either, although it somewhat goes with maroon too. Also, the asshats sold me a dead pen, blossom. That's 25 kr for nothing.

So that's the drawing update. In WoW, I've almost gotten a warlock character up to level 90 now, but he's at 88 at the moment. Also, trying to level up an orc to 40 so that I can get the swift wolf mount, or whatever it's called, their racial mount. Then I only need tauren, dwarf and pandaren mounts for level 40, then I have all the racial mounts. Anyway, that's all for now.

Salt in my wounds

I'm staying away from various social media's for a while now. It's of personal reasons, but it's got something to do with my broken heart. Maybe you already know, I don't know. It's just too painful for me to even think about, and very much too painful to acknowledge.

So, this is my way of denying it, denying it to survive. I just wish I didn't react this way, that it didn't kill me so much. I'm still reachable on my phone if you have my number, by the way, so I'm not completely going under ground. I just can't deal with the world outside of my head for now and need to shut it off. Right now.

My distraction tactics have never been used so effectively before. I draw, play WoW and work with my language even more intensively than before. I don't take breaks, I simply can't. Only to write this, just because I figured it could be important. I don't know for how long I'll stay off the internet or most parts of it, but at least for a few days, but days could possibly turn into weeks. We'll see about that.

But I'll try to keep you posted on here, although I can't link this blog entry anywhere since well, uhm yeah. Mainly it's facebook and tumblr that I stay away from. It's nothing no one has done to me, I'm not being stalked or hurt in any "real" way. Other people's happiness hurt me to this degree, and yes of bloody course it's got to do with K. If he's in pain, I'm in pain, if he's happy, I'm in more pain. I just can't win, can I? As if it was a fucking game.

Yeah, if he was happy with me, but that's never gonna happen. I never had a chance to begin with, all I got was a glimpse of a chance on the way. But I also know that the best way of never falling in love again is to stay in love with K. Even if it's gonna kill me. It might kill me no matter what, and then why waste that energy on that?

My heart in his hands, it's both the safest and the most dangerous place. I doubt he even knows. I doubt I will ever tell him. Just can't summon that kind of courage. I still don't know what to do, if seeing him this summer could even possibly be fatal to me. I'm not that much more stable since getting out from the ward, I'm still fragile. And I still wish I was dead, or that I could die without trying to. It's the trying I don't want to, it's too much fuss and too restraining. And I've given up on succeeding with that.

So I stay alive instead, but it's not as much of a choice as it's more like no choice but to stay alive. I'm so used to this shit through my entire life I've been in survival mode, it's nothing new and I kinda know what to do, but I feel so lost and mostly I just fumble around, reaching for I don't even know what. A true sanctuary, real freedom, the love of my life, my soul mate, things like that that don't even exist in this world.

I don't believe they do. Not for me. My darkness and my curse follow me wherever I go, whatever I try to do. It's there, like a mirage but it's never been real. Just a mirage tempting me. It's like I'm crawling in the mud too tired to carry on when everyone around me walks steadily in boots. Right beside me, same jungle, different perspective. But lately, I've been done crawling. I've given up on ever getting somewhere. I'm stuck and I'm stranded and I've given up on life.

So I'm just lying here, waiting, hoping, wishing for things to change without my aid. Maybe they never will, but I've tried enough. I'm done trying, fighting, caring.

Yeah, okay, quick update turned into yet another wall of text. But that's basically how I'm doing if I go into details and allow myself to feel. Even for just a little bit. I don't dare to fully feel, so that's probably just the tip of the iceberg. But I've got salt in my wounds and they never get the chance to heal. I'm done sarcastically thanking the world for being an utter piece of shit, it can have it its way. Anyway, back to distracting myself as much as I possibly can and more.

Just a random update

It strikes me that I keep all the grammar stuff in my head, cause it's so easy. Now I'm close to kicking myself for not being able to remember words that I almost constantly look up. Like lost which is ondala, or life which is liermin and all those words that begin with an "S". Like seriously, how many such words are there in the English vocabulary? I know it's a common letter, but come on. Maybe I just happen to stumble on a lot of words that start with an "S" in my translations, but it is rather insane. I've got almost 5 pages under S in my dictionary but only 2-3 under the other letters, except from some that don't even fill out a whole page, like z or v or x. I've got 6 pages for each letter and I don't know what to do when it's all filled up.

I've thought of digitalising my dictionary, but problem is then that I can't just bring it with me everywhere. I think one of the most beautiful words I created so far is the very simple "opor" which means touch. I'm trying to make all the words beautiful in one way or another, as I want it that way, simply. Now I'm just translating poems that I've already written long ago, cause I'm too lazy to try and create new poems.

Mostly I'm listening to Nightwish song "Sleeping sun" or "Elvenpath" on repeat, sometimes "Ghost love score" or "Beauty of the beast" too. I still get comments on my nails like constantly. Mostly I just find it annoying but people's reactions can be quite funny. It's like they don't believe that they're real. I just grow them out and keep them painted in a strengthening nail polish and that's it.

I've been watching so much Torchwood lately I think it's gotten stuck in my mind. Or well, I don't know if 2 episodes a day is that much really. Now my mind is taking me places I don't feel like sharing. Oh well, I'll focus on something else and see if that helps. I've been playing a lot of WoW lately and that's most of what I've been doing. Got my belf hunter to level 59 so far.

So, there's this classmate of mine who is always sending me friend requests on facebook and sometimes comes knocking at my door too, for cigarettes she says, but she doesn't even smoke. I think they're either for her boyfriend or it's a lousy pick up line which she shouldn't be doing since she has a boyfriend. I don't know what's going on but I don't like that she's on my facebook so much. I mean, if denying her friend request 3 times isn't enough, what am I supposed to do?

And now she's sent me a message there too and I don't know what to do. I'm only friends with her because she goes to the same school and class as me. She's not horrible or anything, it's just that I don't get her. And I don't want to be her online friend or give her cigarettes that she won't give back again. I don't want her reading my facebook profile and figuring out more or less private stuff about me. How do I kindly tell her to piss off? I don't know, I don't know what to do.

I should go to bed now, so just dumping this here.

Translate my apathy

I'm not writing much here, simply because I'm too tired to edit a text at the end of the day. Davon. Day is davon in Ztrakadia, and night is novad, the same word spelled backwards. Avazdavon is yesterday but tomorrow is argade, for some reason it just ended up that way. I'm learning more words and fast, but I can't seem to keep track of all the hir, his, her, har, hor that mean words like which, what, this, that, where, why and so on. I keep mixing them up.

I keep writing poems that I translate to Ztrakadia and so far I'm pretty amazed that I seem to be able to remember which words I've already created and not. Ty elime har ty exhadina ravan ty illy skave. That means I say that I exist but I don't. Just a random sentence I thought of without using the dictionary. See if I can create some more. Sir vadame wilny ty avarende. Your heart is my breath. Waz davon wilny lieke valvani vodazh. Every day is like echoing shadows. I'm not making much sense, but I'm getting somewhere.

I'm still listening to Nightwish since days ago and trying to escape the world. I'm already ignoring half the posts on tumblr and facebook because they remind me of the world. The real world, that is. Now I'm so tired I can barely function, but my heart and soul so are jaded, forcing me to stay up.

I'm trying to shadow all my thoughts of K with thoughts of Caspian instead, and knowing that the latter loves me back is somehow a comfort. But even that is a form of lovesickness. Because he's gone and he's not coming back to me. Although, I might come back to him one day.

I don't know what else to say. Gonna try some sleep now, I think.

Already drowning

I still dream of a better world, I still dream of Dala. For sleep to take me there someday. Permanently. I still wish that when I close my eyes and go to sleep I won't wake up the next day in this world anymore. Is that being suicidal, or just incredibly sad?

Ty arande fallana note ado kondare zolame, ty arande fallana note Dala. Sal dorshe ra ridave ty harou kashdavon. Alash. Ty arande iska har hir ty vorzem ty shodam any sembre dorshe ty iska skave eshrod argade ikre hir zolame sanaro. Wilny har rozny zuladire, rin lakane hafarene mozir?

I'm giving you a short piece of text translated to my fake language. I don't know why. I create more words but I don't know how to use them, like I kinda like that I thought of a single word for "soul pain" for example. It's "umvashim" which is half the word for soul that is "karashim" and half the word for pain in general wish is "umvalene". I do that a lot, combine words that sort of belong together, but also when they don't obviously belong together like madness translates to "dorshim" which directly translates to sick soul.

I'm just at the peak of my creativity, and sadly, I think it's because I'm generally feeling like shit. Heartbreak really does spur my creativity. It's the only good thing about it. I was gonna write about my stay at the ward and then about coming back home again, but it bores me and I'd rather rant about my fake language, which by the way is called Ztrakadia.

That word also means feeling, as it's sort of a feeling/emotional language, it's meant to describe what I can't in Swedish and English, when or if I get that far into it that I can use it fluently and won't have to rifle through my home made dictionary like crazy to translate English texts.

I'm slowly getting better at it and can actually already form entire sentences completely without aid. Like just yesterday I said "ty folmende wilny ikre vodazh" and knew it meant "my home is in the shadows" without any fault. So yeah, slowly getting there. Or maybe that's rather quick, considering I thought of the first word of my language just a few days ago? And now I have probably somewhere around a hundred words.

Mostly I'm trying to start with learning the very common words like I, you, she, he, they, is/am/are, be, but, that, this, of, if, for and so on. Basically the base/foundation of the language and all the other words just built on after that. It's been a long time since I last tried to create a language, I was about 11-13 back then and tried to re-create the language of Dala that I had forgotten. It didn't go all too well. Now I only remember one word from it and of course I just had to "borrow" it to Ztrakadia, which is "sili" that means star. That's the only thing the language of Dala has in common with Ztrakadia.

I'm getting to the point where I don't know if a new word I create has already been created or not, and going through the whole dictionary to find out if it is so is too much of a hassle. I'm just hoping I haven't made double meanings for all too many words already.

Basically that's all I do, create words and then put them in the same order as I would if I was writing in English, with only small differences here and there where it's more like Swedish. Sometimes I fuse together words that make a phrase or what to call it, like "in love with" simply becomes zeterene. It's the same in Swedish as that phrase becomes "kär". So yeah. I borrow things from both languages.

The pronunciation just sort of became very much like Swedish kind of by accident. I like it that way however. I think it almost sounds a little like some kind of dark elvish with hints of Russian but since I don't know any of those for real, what can I know. Maybe if I one day actually learn Russian as I've been meaning to I'd think it's embarrassing that I once thought Ztrakadia has traits of it?

However, it does keep me awfully busy at times and it's hard to let go of. I can sit for hours and work with it, thinking that I'm getting nowhere when in fact I'm learning it fast. I'm glad that I'm a fast learner, even incredibly fast if it's about something interesting. Just don't let go if it, don't get bored with it now... I need something light in my darkest hours.

I'm back to pining after Caspian since K obviously doesn't want me. He hasn't said so, but I doubt it. I've gotten some very vague hints though, but hush, I can't even know if those were real hints and he is in a relationship now. Ty movinde sir kara hindere har sir iska ty any lor. See what I did there? I can write down my secrets and still keep them secret. Oh, but it's not his secret or anything, it's still my own. Still wouldn't utter his secrets no matter in what language but complete silence.

At the ward, I drew a picture of Caspian, however, as close to the clearest picture I have in my head as I possibly could. And every time I look at it it stings in my soul. But I know, that although I lost him, he still is somewhere out there and he still loves me. Endlessly, unconditionally, just like I wanted in this life but never could have. And it comforts me, somehow, to know that somewhere beyond the stars there is a perfect man who loves me that much. I just need to find him again.

Not actively searching, cause most likely he's not here in this reality, reincarnated like me, but much further away. He still haunts me sometimes and I gasp out of breath in my sleep when he steals it away in a kiss that I can no longer physically feel. Sometimes I miss him so much I almost cry myself to sleep. Cause I still can't cry. Sleep. He's often connected to my sleep somehow, as if his ghost lingers in the world in between. Between the awake and the sleeping world.

I miss the darkness so I close the blinds and pretend that it's night already. This world is for young souls, isn't it? Or maybe not all ancients like me grow so weary of it? I'm still trying to figure out if K is in fact Caspian reincarnated but he just can't be for so many reasons. 1, he doesn't remember me or Dala at all. 2, different personality. 3, different looks (but it doesn't have much to do with it since I've obviously changed looks quite radically myself, but Caspian looked more human so yeah I don't know). And probably more things I can't think of right now.

But of course, some things make me wonder. Like, it's actually, maybe possible that K was an elf in a past life. And he gives me the same vibes somehow, like maybe his aura or something anything I don't know could be similar to Caspian's? I don't know, it's just a feeling. And I can't stop comparing them. The love of my life and the love of my entire existence. And if you would ever dare ask me... of course Caspian comes first if I was obliged to choose for whatever reason.

I've loved Caspian for longer than I have lived, that love reached beyond death and into a my third life. He is my one and only if there is such a thing. Of course I can't stop looking for him. I try, sometimes, to move on and fall for other people, but it's like he still has his place in my heart and soul and I can't ever possibly move on no matter what I do. Although, I might not have tried all that hard. Cause I don't want to let go of him.

What I want is that when I die, to meet him and cry in his arms for an eternity cause I've missed him for a lifetime. I don't know if I'll ever move on from K, or if he will in fact be the end of me, literally, I still don't know that. It scares me, knowing that my life still is in his hands. I never wanted for it to become that way, I never wanted to fall so deeply, so carelessly. But it is what it is and I can't do anything about that now. Love keeps tearing me apart and I know, right now that I will die of one of these two reasons: because I can't be with K or because I just want to return to Caspian.

Love still drives me to suicide. Love will kill me, either way. I'm still hanging by a thread and I still don't really want to live. I'm still drowning and I don't think there's anything anyone can do to "save" me. Not this time. I've heard it all before. But I know there's only one way that I can die and I know that I have to suffer through this at least one more year. I have to turn 27 years old cause that's my perfect age.

I still believe in stupid prophecies but look at it this way: what if it can make me hold on for an entire year before I actually, really try to kill myself and will succeed? I know it's my fate and I can't possibly escape it. All the time, people have told me that I can escape it, but I just can't see how. I just don't believe it. I know that I will die by my own hand, I know how and what time but I don't know exactly when. I don't even know during which season, but likely spring or summer 2016 or 2017.

Most likely 2016. There won't be any more good years for me. 2015 is odd and it sucks, 2016 I will die, so it can't be a good year either. And maybe the saddest thing is, that I felt it so strongly, that 2014 was the best year of my life. It's sad, cause it really didn't turn out that great.

My sadness eats me alive. It's been what, a few hours since I got out from the ward and I'm already drowning? I don't want to go back there, I'd rather down myself in alcohol and stay where I am. I don't have that much booze left and the store is closed until Monday. It will have to do somehow.

Anyway, I plan to bleach my hair again on Sunday or tomorrow if I can't wait cause it's been 2 weeks again. Hopefully get it white this time. If I don't, I might try to dye it in a golden/reddish tone to even out the green like an opposite white toner or something. I don't know. I'm currently kinda dying in my apartment, something's wrong with the heater and it got warmer when I tried to lower the temperature so now I unplugged it. I guess that's all I wanted to say for today.