I only broke my smoking schedule once yesterday, so I still smoked very little, only 12 cigarettes. Instead of 11 that was my plan. I won't blame myself for that mistake, it's actually more surprising that I made it as good as I did.
Today I'm only allowed 9 cigarettes, which will probably be 10, but that's okay. It might even not reach to more than 8. Depends how good I am at distracting myself, and how bad my anxiety becomes at night.
So far I've also figured out which ones are the most important for me. The first one in the morning and the last one right before I go to bed. I'm "lucky" to only have two important ones, but it will be extra hard to let go of them at the end of the week.
Otherwise I think this will be doable, since my motivation is almost 100%. Almost, because I'm never exactly hundred on anything at all, and I've never been. If it's something very important it can land on something so close to hundred I count it as that. Like right now it feels like something close to 9,9999999% and that my dears, is fucking close enough.
I think I figured out what I am, or what is me. My personality, parts of my emotions, my past present and future. The deepest of my feelings, those that don't go away. Not the strongest emotions, just the deepest, if you know what I mean. Like my homesickness, longing, long lost love and such. My personality is what defines me, though not all of it.
I am not my thoughts, or at least so I believe. That thoughts come after emotions, that some thoughts aren't even mine, that they come from somewhere else. That might be schizo talk, thinking my thoughts are someone else's. But I believe that however.
Okay, that cigarette ended way too fast. Now I have at least five more minutes until that hour long car trip to Visby. I'm gonna see my speech therapist for the second time, yeah it's new one. Focused just on how I perceive my voice and what I can do to become more comfortable with it, and not so much on the trans aspect.
Friday, 31 January 2014
Impossible dream
You have no idea what I'm going through. I have no idea. I'm torn apart, in pieces. Between Dala and this life, between Caspian and my love in this life. Between my past and the present. Good thing there is no future to worry about. Yes there is, on second thought. And it worries me too, but not so much, not the near future anyway.
I thought so much, I wrote so much. And all it did was bring me to tears. A fucked up fantasy about my love being Caspian and we both found out about each other, falling deeply in love more than I ever thought I could imagine. If that is my dream, then it's even more impossible than I first thought.
Kill my dream already, kill it. Cause it's killing me. My fairytale dream about perfect love, a love so strong that I've never felt. This conflict between my past and now seems to entangle more and more. Caspian is dead. He's long gone and his ghost is visiting me at night. He's dead, damn it, he's dead. Stupid fucking dream, it's destructive.
It's so typical. Once something good finally is about to happen in my life all this old crap comes out with a new twist. That twist that became a knot in my heart, threatening to tear it to pieces again. It's been 24 years, almost 25 and I still can't let go of him? I don't think I ever will, not entirely.
I notice that I actually some times confuse my love for Caspian and I feel very weird when I refer to him as "my sweet prince". I don't know why I do that, or why I can't stop.
My heart is in shreds. My soul is screaming for its home. It's the scream inside me, the scream that will never ever silence. Deafening, blinding and controlling.
I thought so much, I wrote so much. And all it did was bring me to tears. A fucked up fantasy about my love being Caspian and we both found out about each other, falling deeply in love more than I ever thought I could imagine. If that is my dream, then it's even more impossible than I first thought.
Kill my dream already, kill it. Cause it's killing me. My fairytale dream about perfect love, a love so strong that I've never felt. This conflict between my past and now seems to entangle more and more. Caspian is dead. He's long gone and his ghost is visiting me at night. He's dead, damn it, he's dead. Stupid fucking dream, it's destructive.
It's so typical. Once something good finally is about to happen in my life all this old crap comes out with a new twist. That twist that became a knot in my heart, threatening to tear it to pieces again. It's been 24 years, almost 25 and I still can't let go of him? I don't think I ever will, not entirely.
I notice that I actually some times confuse my love for Caspian and I feel very weird when I refer to him as "my sweet prince". I don't know why I do that, or why I can't stop.
My heart is in shreds. My soul is screaming for its home. It's the scream inside me, the scream that will never ever silence. Deafening, blinding and controlling.
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Well, I kinda knew it
Arghhh, I knew it wouldn't be that easy with the surgery, I just knew it! Just spoke to them yesterday and everything seemed fine, they were just gonna send some information papers. The things mentioned in them (just got the papers) are things I was supposed to have done two weeks before the surgery. They should have sent me a frigging time machine as well! Fuck!
Now I'm having doubts they will take me in on Tuesday... I soooo want it done and then all this crap comes up and things just got really complicated. I'm still smoking and I took salicylic acid (Treo) which is thinning my blood, I could bleed to death in there. Damn, I thought things were going a bit too well...
Just raging now. I put my mother on the phone with them cause I just can't stop shaking, could barely even hold the phone when I spoke to my mother and my voice was trembling. Now I just have to wait for her call and my final judgement. Fit for surgery or not?
I could probably have lied a little if I could muster calling them myself, but I don't know if that would have been to my winning. If my bad habits can kill me on that table or lead to horrible complications it wouldn't be worth it, no matter how damn much I want that surgery.
Being healthy isn't exactly easy for me. I'm a ball of anxiety and reach for anything, however destructive I can, just to survive. They should have told me these things long before, already at the consultation in August. What is it with people not giving out information in time, just expecting everyone to know that stuff? I've never had surgery before, I didn't know anything of that.
Still waiting for my mother call back, and I can't calm down. I'm hysteric, allover the place and can't even breathe right. I need to eat, need to go to the drug store. Need a shower. Close the window, but even that I can't muster. Just writing, only writing and smoking. Rocking myself as I lose sensation in my fingers due to the coldness in here. Just breathe damn it, just breathe...
I didn't know this was gonna come up. All I got was a vague feeling there could be a problem. A very vague feeling. Why can't these stupid instincts work when I really need them?!
Now I'm having doubts they will take me in on Tuesday... I soooo want it done and then all this crap comes up and things just got really complicated. I'm still smoking and I took salicylic acid (Treo) which is thinning my blood, I could bleed to death in there. Damn, I thought things were going a bit too well...
Just raging now. I put my mother on the phone with them cause I just can't stop shaking, could barely even hold the phone when I spoke to my mother and my voice was trembling. Now I just have to wait for her call and my final judgement. Fit for surgery or not?
I could probably have lied a little if I could muster calling them myself, but I don't know if that would have been to my winning. If my bad habits can kill me on that table or lead to horrible complications it wouldn't be worth it, no matter how damn much I want that surgery.
Being healthy isn't exactly easy for me. I'm a ball of anxiety and reach for anything, however destructive I can, just to survive. They should have told me these things long before, already at the consultation in August. What is it with people not giving out information in time, just expecting everyone to know that stuff? I've never had surgery before, I didn't know anything of that.
Still waiting for my mother call back, and I can't calm down. I'm hysteric, allover the place and can't even breathe right. I need to eat, need to go to the drug store. Need a shower. Close the window, but even that I can't muster. Just writing, only writing and smoking. Rocking myself as I lose sensation in my fingers due to the coldness in here. Just breathe damn it, just breathe...
I didn't know this was gonna come up. All I got was a vague feeling there could be a problem. A very vague feeling. Why can't these stupid instincts work when I really need them?!
Just some more rant
Smoking to keep myself awake for an interesting conversation online. My words know no end, I think that conversation can go on all night. But I wouldn't mind, though I am getting kinda tired. Pills. Pills raging in my blood stream, trying their best to make me fall asleep. Oh no, you don't. I'm getting random again, the words entangle and I forget what I meant with what I said. Now I'm rocking myself too, and it's hard to keep my eyes open. I really need to go to bed soon.
I think maybe I'm enjoying my last day of excessive smoking today. Just can't stop smoking, even now my throat is numb and the taste clings to my gum. I wanna play some WoW before I go to bed, but no, cause guess what, it's Wednesday again. That damn weekly maintenance. If I wasn't too tired to look straight ahead, I would probably be mad. But now I'm not.
I'm gonna go for a third bleaching on Saturday, is my plan. One more hair wash before and it will be one and a half week. I just wanna do it before the day I go to Stockholm. Maybe I will look a little blonder.
I think maybe I'm enjoying my last day of excessive smoking today. Just can't stop smoking, even now my throat is numb and the taste clings to my gum. I wanna play some WoW before I go to bed, but no, cause guess what, it's Wednesday again. That damn weekly maintenance. If I wasn't too tired to look straight ahead, I would probably be mad. But now I'm not.
I'm gonna go for a third bleaching on Saturday, is my plan. One more hair wash before and it will be one and a half week. I just wanna do it before the day I go to Stockholm. Maybe I will look a little blonder.
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
Distant
David Bowie's voice caresses my soul. I didn't know it needed to be caressed. The day turns to night and I realise the world outside is getting further away from me the every day. Every time I scroll past a piece of news online, every time my mind wanders to the depths of my thoughts and I forget that it's snow under my feet.
But do I want it to go away, or did I just forget how to care? The world at large holds no interest to me. What happens nation wide, about politics, the nature or welfare. Birds fly past me, sunsets glow in my shadow, far behind me. The real world but a distant photograph, buried in the past.
I live in a bubble completely secluded, away from the society. Even when I'm present with another human being, I'm not really there. If I find what's been spoken about in a conversation to be boring I just stop listen. Only answer vaguely if I'm asked a direct question about something I find uninteresting. It might even be interesting, and I still disappear into my thoughts. It's like I find my own mind more fascinating than the world outside of it.
I think it's this lovesickness, it has made me change. Because I shut out the whole world, lie to everyone to keep them at a distance, everyone but him. I've locked myself in this bubble where no one is allowed in, except him. It's like there's no space left for anyone else.
I've always known that for every time I fall in love, the next time will be stronger and more intense. But I could never even imagine it would get quite like this. I have gotten tunnel vision, and I have a sensation that much will get lost if I can't stop it before it's too late. Relationships will fall apart, contacts will be broken off, friendships will end, trusts will be broken.
I know I say that I don't want to be around anyone right now, but I'm clearly insane and not myself these days. Obsessive love for eight months is starting to take its toll. On my emotional life, my social life, in private and in public. Being so obsessed with only one person on the whole god damned planet has seriously fucked me up. Don't get me wrong, I was certainly fucked up since long before that, just that this is something else.
There's why reason people compare love to insanity, and as an insane person deeply in love... well, you get the math. But when I say I'm not myself, I don't even know who me is. Yet again, I can't look further than to my own nose. Only describe what's inside my head, I only know about that world.
Perhaps I'm not the only self absorbed liar trying to escape reality on this planet, but I just don't like what I've become. What love has made me become.
But do I want it to go away, or did I just forget how to care? The world at large holds no interest to me. What happens nation wide, about politics, the nature or welfare. Birds fly past me, sunsets glow in my shadow, far behind me. The real world but a distant photograph, buried in the past.
I live in a bubble completely secluded, away from the society. Even when I'm present with another human being, I'm not really there. If I find what's been spoken about in a conversation to be boring I just stop listen. Only answer vaguely if I'm asked a direct question about something I find uninteresting. It might even be interesting, and I still disappear into my thoughts. It's like I find my own mind more fascinating than the world outside of it.
I think it's this lovesickness, it has made me change. Because I shut out the whole world, lie to everyone to keep them at a distance, everyone but him. I've locked myself in this bubble where no one is allowed in, except him. It's like there's no space left for anyone else.
I've always known that for every time I fall in love, the next time will be stronger and more intense. But I could never even imagine it would get quite like this. I have gotten tunnel vision, and I have a sensation that much will get lost if I can't stop it before it's too late. Relationships will fall apart, contacts will be broken off, friendships will end, trusts will be broken.
I know I say that I don't want to be around anyone right now, but I'm clearly insane and not myself these days. Obsessive love for eight months is starting to take its toll. On my emotional life, my social life, in private and in public. Being so obsessed with only one person on the whole god damned planet has seriously fucked me up. Don't get me wrong, I was certainly fucked up since long before that, just that this is something else.
There's why reason people compare love to insanity, and as an insane person deeply in love... well, you get the math. But when I say I'm not myself, I don't even know who me is. Yet again, I can't look further than to my own nose. Only describe what's inside my head, I only know about that world.
Perhaps I'm not the only self absorbed liar trying to escape reality on this planet, but I just don't like what I've become. What love has made me become.
The waiting is over, soon
Still spending most of my time living in Azeroth, (my second home, haha) and today I finally reached revered reputation with the faction "The Order of the Cloud Serpent" and purchased the recipe for the Sapphire Panther for 150 gold. So now it's just the fun things left... farming for gold and materials. Maybe I'll head off to Northrend for a little while, and continue to make gems to sell at the auction house.
I'm writing a specific journal or what to call it for everything I accomplish in WoW now, starting from the 22nd this month. It's nice to see the progress.
I still haven't decided if I'm gonna take that surgery appointment the 4th, but it's leaning to a yes. My instincts say I should, but my logical mind says I shouldn't. Which to trust? Of course I should trust my instincts, they are always right. Always.
I've decided, I'm going. I just knew it in my heart that it's gonna happen in early February, I knew it from the beginning. Everything is gonna be alright, I just know it.
I just gonna call the hospital as soon as they are available to ask who that surgeon is now again, and then I'm gonna tell them that I accept their offer. Writing down a few questions that I need to ask. Damn, this is exciting! I don't worry all that much to be honest. Something just tells me it's gonna be fine, and I trust that feeling.
Those magic like feelings still appear all the time, and they are so real it's impossible not to believe. It's something in my gut, it is THE gut feeling that has just miraculously grown immense and it's almost constantly there. Whether it's about WoW, my lighter, what I'm gonna write on Tumblr, or huge events in my life like this surgery.
I've never had surgery before, never been sick. And now when I come to think of it, I haven't been cutting for a week or so, so I'm all healed up from the last time. This will be quite an experience, I can assure you. Wow, I'm a bit sweaty and nervous already. I don't think a shower will solve that problem, I think I'll be nervous for a whole week now. A good kind of nervous, filled with excitement and expectation. A glimpse of a dream come true.
I know I shouldn't jump into conclusions with too high expectations, but of course I still have some expectations, it's hard not to. Just lower them a nudge. I might need more surgeries after (that gut feeling of mine tells me it will be two altogether), or there might be complications. What do I know.
There is much that I don't know, but there are some things I just know without being able to know, you know? Sorry, that sentence was just too fun to change. Anyway, need to relax a little now as I wait for the secretary or whoever at the hospital to become available. I have about an hour.
I'm writing a specific journal or what to call it for everything I accomplish in WoW now, starting from the 22nd this month. It's nice to see the progress.
I still haven't decided if I'm gonna take that surgery appointment the 4th, but it's leaning to a yes. My instincts say I should, but my logical mind says I shouldn't. Which to trust? Of course I should trust my instincts, they are always right. Always.
I've decided, I'm going. I just knew it in my heart that it's gonna happen in early February, I knew it from the beginning. Everything is gonna be alright, I just know it.
I just gonna call the hospital as soon as they are available to ask who that surgeon is now again, and then I'm gonna tell them that I accept their offer. Writing down a few questions that I need to ask. Damn, this is exciting! I don't worry all that much to be honest. Something just tells me it's gonna be fine, and I trust that feeling.
Those magic like feelings still appear all the time, and they are so real it's impossible not to believe. It's something in my gut, it is THE gut feeling that has just miraculously grown immense and it's almost constantly there. Whether it's about WoW, my lighter, what I'm gonna write on Tumblr, or huge events in my life like this surgery.
I've never had surgery before, never been sick. And now when I come to think of it, I haven't been cutting for a week or so, so I'm all healed up from the last time. This will be quite an experience, I can assure you. Wow, I'm a bit sweaty and nervous already. I don't think a shower will solve that problem, I think I'll be nervous for a whole week now. A good kind of nervous, filled with excitement and expectation. A glimpse of a dream come true.
I know I shouldn't jump into conclusions with too high expectations, but of course I still have some expectations, it's hard not to. Just lower them a nudge. I might need more surgeries after (that gut feeling of mine tells me it will be two altogether), or there might be complications. What do I know.
There is much that I don't know, but there are some things I just know without being able to know, you know? Sorry, that sentence was just too fun to change. Anyway, need to relax a little now as I wait for the secretary or whoever at the hospital to become available. I have about an hour.
Monday, 27 January 2014
Controlling energy
I just thought of something. Maybe only crazy people are given magical powers? So that no one will believe them. Cause that would just be so typical for this dimension. Yes, I do say there is real magic in this world, but it's rare and very well hidden to most people. I think maybe you have to be a bit crazy to believe in it. And how can you get magical powers if you don't believe in magic? You can't just get them cause you want them, you know.
Much lies beyond, in other dimensions or very far back or forward in time. Magic does too. It's almost like it's not supposed to be here where nature and human technology rules. But it slips through. Here it's not the kind of magic that I was used to back in Dala, but I do think that I brought with me some of the energies from my home place.
You see, I believe in the possibility that energy in its purest form can transfer between different dimensions that exist and co-exist in our universe. Like auras, I think mine is different from others because of where I come from. Not entirely different of course, and it's something that can never be proven or dis-proven. I just sense it, know it in my soul somehow. And I think that is why I can do the things I can do.
I don't think anyone would truly believe in magic unless they are the ones performing it. It's one thing to see someone else perform it, cause how can you tell if it's actually real? It's most likely an illusion, or a trick. But imagine that you hold that power. With will, instinct, spells or faith, you can change things that aren't supposed to be possible to change. Would you believe it then?
Honestly I don't know what to do with my powers. They're like this little hobby project that I can't really control. Gah, I wish there was a Hogwartz in reality! No kidding aside, it is fairly complicated and I don't think I even understand it most of the time. Still asking myself "how is this even possible?" like five times a day. Yeah, it's become that much lately. Small things, but still.
Most of it I can't really describe, it's more like instincts I guess, just that they magically work every single time. That I just know what will happen if I do a certain thing. Like I get this feeling that if I do something specific I guarantee that what I want for the moment will happen, and it does. But I can't control that feeling to "appear" whenever I want it to. It's always sudden and very strong, like I get a signal from somewhere, a command that I can choose to act upon if I want to.
And then the stuff about changing my appearance. It only works if it's something small, and over time. I can't make instant changes, but they will be permanent, I think. I've never tried to change it back. When I decide to change something, I have to concentrate a lot for a few minutes every day or so, and over the time of perhaps a week it changes. Maybe it's some sort of energy manipulation?
It's not like I see it right before my eyes, it's slow. Like a sun tan or something. Maybe I'll be able to make instant changes one day, but as I said, I don't have that much control over it yet. Patience, it truly is a virtue.
Much lies beyond, in other dimensions or very far back or forward in time. Magic does too. It's almost like it's not supposed to be here where nature and human technology rules. But it slips through. Here it's not the kind of magic that I was used to back in Dala, but I do think that I brought with me some of the energies from my home place.
You see, I believe in the possibility that energy in its purest form can transfer between different dimensions that exist and co-exist in our universe. Like auras, I think mine is different from others because of where I come from. Not entirely different of course, and it's something that can never be proven or dis-proven. I just sense it, know it in my soul somehow. And I think that is why I can do the things I can do.
I don't think anyone would truly believe in magic unless they are the ones performing it. It's one thing to see someone else perform it, cause how can you tell if it's actually real? It's most likely an illusion, or a trick. But imagine that you hold that power. With will, instinct, spells or faith, you can change things that aren't supposed to be possible to change. Would you believe it then?
Honestly I don't know what to do with my powers. They're like this little hobby project that I can't really control. Gah, I wish there was a Hogwartz in reality! No kidding aside, it is fairly complicated and I don't think I even understand it most of the time. Still asking myself "how is this even possible?" like five times a day. Yeah, it's become that much lately. Small things, but still.
Most of it I can't really describe, it's more like instincts I guess, just that they magically work every single time. That I just know what will happen if I do a certain thing. Like I get this feeling that if I do something specific I guarantee that what I want for the moment will happen, and it does. But I can't control that feeling to "appear" whenever I want it to. It's always sudden and very strong, like I get a signal from somewhere, a command that I can choose to act upon if I want to.
And then the stuff about changing my appearance. It only works if it's something small, and over time. I can't make instant changes, but they will be permanent, I think. I've never tried to change it back. When I decide to change something, I have to concentrate a lot for a few minutes every day or so, and over the time of perhaps a week it changes. Maybe it's some sort of energy manipulation?
It's not like I see it right before my eyes, it's slow. Like a sun tan or something. Maybe I'll be able to make instant changes one day, but as I said, I don't have that much control over it yet. Patience, it truly is a virtue.
Just venting
I've been repeating the phrase "oh my god" in my head for almost three hours now. I'm trying to decide if I should take up on that offer about surgery the 4th of February. It's merely a week. It's a surgeon who's name I didn't recognise and I can't remember it so I can't look it up. Do I want it? Hell yeah! But isn't a bit too soon? I mean, they could have told me a bit earlier.
Is there a chance I could talk to that surgeon before? I don't just wanna jump into it, cause what if something went wrong, what if he's not good at that sort of surgery? I don't just wanna "get rid of" my parts, I wanna look good as well.
I think my head is gonna explode. The woman who called me said she wanted me to call back already today, but come on, shouldn't I at least get one day to think about it? It's a huge thing, for god's sake! Of course I wanna have that surgery, of course I wanna have the result, but there are other things to take into consideration here.
It's not like I'm gonna have my tonsils removed, this is plastic surgery. Why do they call it that, by the way? I'm not gonna have any plastic put inside me. Anyway, this is very important to me, I mean very important. And it's just as important that it comes out with a good result. I'm not expecting miracles, but I don't wanna look like shit either. I don't want that surgeon to fuck it up.
That's the only reason why I hesitate, don't get me wrong. I also haven't stopped smoking like a chimney, which could be a small problem, but hardly that important. I really didn't count on it coming up in such short notice. Though they are very busy over there in that department, so it's probably because someone cancelled their appointment and I got it instead.
Oh my god, what am I supposed to do? Call my mother. Okay, she just said I had to think about it. Yeah, my head will definitely explode... More tea and cigarettes to calm me down. Writing lists on pros and cons. So far more cons, but the pros are stronger. God damn hard this is.
Yeah, I'm still repeating that "oh my god" while Anna tells me to stop cursing already. "It's not very productive and you don't even believe in God". Yeah yeah yeah, but I believe I just shun him and what does it matter anyway I need to vent god damn it.
Is there a chance I could talk to that surgeon before? I don't just wanna jump into it, cause what if something went wrong, what if he's not good at that sort of surgery? I don't just wanna "get rid of" my parts, I wanna look good as well.
I think my head is gonna explode. The woman who called me said she wanted me to call back already today, but come on, shouldn't I at least get one day to think about it? It's a huge thing, for god's sake! Of course I wanna have that surgery, of course I wanna have the result, but there are other things to take into consideration here.
It's not like I'm gonna have my tonsils removed, this is plastic surgery. Why do they call it that, by the way? I'm not gonna have any plastic put inside me. Anyway, this is very important to me, I mean very important. And it's just as important that it comes out with a good result. I'm not expecting miracles, but I don't wanna look like shit either. I don't want that surgeon to fuck it up.
That's the only reason why I hesitate, don't get me wrong. I also haven't stopped smoking like a chimney, which could be a small problem, but hardly that important. I really didn't count on it coming up in such short notice. Though they are very busy over there in that department, so it's probably because someone cancelled their appointment and I got it instead.
Oh my god, what am I supposed to do? Call my mother. Okay, she just said I had to think about it. Yeah, my head will definitely explode... More tea and cigarettes to calm me down. Writing lists on pros and cons. So far more cons, but the pros are stronger. God damn hard this is.
Yeah, I'm still repeating that "oh my god" while Anna tells me to stop cursing already. "It's not very productive and you don't even believe in God". Yeah yeah yeah, but I believe I just shun him and what does it matter anyway I need to vent god damn it.
Sunday, 26 January 2014
Stop and start again
Three days. It's been three days and I'm going psycho stalker again. If you ask what, do you really have to? Cause I know you know the answer already. I don't wanna repeat myself. Because when he goes offline, or just stops visiting a website for a little while, I go nuts. It's like I don't care if I come off as creepy or a stalker, I just need to feel close to him somehow. But I don't know how, so I do it in any way that I possibly can.
Still the same subtle hints, but just a lot more of them. He could probably feel me breathing down his neck when I'm like this. But I'm not always like this, and maybe that's what "saves" me from dropping into the stalker category. Cause normally I'm just friendly. No one has ever noticed that I've flirted with them, except from the one or two that I was overly flirtatious with, and the ones that already were obsessed/in love with me. So why would he even notice?
I don't know, I can't tell if he notices. I can't tell if he knows. Maybe I just want to believe that I can. Because it would be so much easier then, if the move actually was his to make. I have no idea what to do. If I should wait a little longer, back off, move in, stay the same, die of heartache.
I'm obsessing again, and it's just gonna get worse. Because you know it can always get worse. I don't wanna picture it, it might look ugly. I don't wanna become that way, but what I want I don't think I can have. I ask for so much and get so little in return, it should be the other way around.
Still the same subtle hints, but just a lot more of them. He could probably feel me breathing down his neck when I'm like this. But I'm not always like this, and maybe that's what "saves" me from dropping into the stalker category. Cause normally I'm just friendly. No one has ever noticed that I've flirted with them, except from the one or two that I was overly flirtatious with, and the ones that already were obsessed/in love with me. So why would he even notice?
I don't know, I can't tell if he notices. I can't tell if he knows. Maybe I just want to believe that I can. Because it would be so much easier then, if the move actually was his to make. I have no idea what to do. If I should wait a little longer, back off, move in, stay the same, die of heartache.
I'm obsessing again, and it's just gonna get worse. Because you know it can always get worse. I don't wanna picture it, it might look ugly. I don't wanna become that way, but what I want I don't think I can have. I ask for so much and get so little in return, it should be the other way around.
Luck and chance
I don't know why I let other people's problems get to me. I have enough problems already. I'm always annoyed with people nowadays. Never compassionate, sympathetic, empathetic or any of those fancy words. Not the slightest glimpse of care. I've gone bitter and selfish. Don't care about anyone's well being except for His. My love, and only him. It's like everyone else have just faded into the shadow, and I walk away from them.
But I'm in his shadow. I'm lingering, just close enough to be noticed, but never too close to a bother. I've been cast into a land of shadows. Cloaking my vision, this lovesickness has impaired me even more. I'm living for that impossible dream, for hopes that will probably never come true. Not in this life, not in this reality.
It's tearing me down, just a little more each time. The smallest thing can make me fly or fall apart, but for every fall I break a little more. I think a miracle needs to happen if I should survive this. I'm waiting, just waiting for something to happen. At this point I don't care which. Die or live, I cannot choose. So I let fate decide it for me. Roll the dice and wish me luck.
Like I said to my mother the other day, about my sleep and all. I said: "I don't want to be awake and I don't want to sleep, so I let my medication decide it for me". It's like I'm on life support, like I wouldn't survive without all those components that keep me together. Pills, psychiatric care, the crew, my parents, my love. Cause the truth is that I don't live for anything: I'm simply alive because of these things.
But I'm in his shadow. I'm lingering, just close enough to be noticed, but never too close to a bother. I've been cast into a land of shadows. Cloaking my vision, this lovesickness has impaired me even more. I'm living for that impossible dream, for hopes that will probably never come true. Not in this life, not in this reality.
It's tearing me down, just a little more each time. The smallest thing can make me fly or fall apart, but for every fall I break a little more. I think a miracle needs to happen if I should survive this. I'm waiting, just waiting for something to happen. At this point I don't care which. Die or live, I cannot choose. So I let fate decide it for me. Roll the dice and wish me luck.
Like I said to my mother the other day, about my sleep and all. I said: "I don't want to be awake and I don't want to sleep, so I let my medication decide it for me". It's like I'm on life support, like I wouldn't survive without all those components that keep me together. Pills, psychiatric care, the crew, my parents, my love. Cause the truth is that I don't live for anything: I'm simply alive because of these things.
Saturday, 25 January 2014
Don't let go
Where is home? It depends on my state of mind at the moment what I mean by that. My apartment, Uppsala, or Dala. The worse I'm feeling, the further I wanna go. Maybe that's not so strange, all things considered.
I wanna meet someone I could call a friend on this island, preferably in the town where I live. Perhaps I could find someone who isn't from here either. Someone who also knows what it's like to be broken. Maybe it's time to pay another visit to the asylum? Nah, just kidding, I don't wanna go there. All they do there is feed you food and medicine and hollow advice for a fee of hundred bucks a day.
They don't prevent suicide. I don't think they even want us mentally disturbed to survive. What future could we possibly have? Maybe they're right. Maybe life just isn't worth living with a mind like this. But it's fine, it's okay. If I die I wouldn't mind, but living is easier.
Cause I don't have to do anything to survive, not more than I already do. Basic survival is fairly easy. It's harder to die, I mean. Takes a lot of planning, courage and determination. I'm not determined to do anything. Not even living, definitely not living. I'm just lingering here, waiting for that courage to end my life.
I wanna meet someone I could call a friend on this island, preferably in the town where I live. Perhaps I could find someone who isn't from here either. Someone who also knows what it's like to be broken. Maybe it's time to pay another visit to the asylum? Nah, just kidding, I don't wanna go there. All they do there is feed you food and medicine and hollow advice for a fee of hundred bucks a day.
They don't prevent suicide. I don't think they even want us mentally disturbed to survive. What future could we possibly have? Maybe they're right. Maybe life just isn't worth living with a mind like this. But it's fine, it's okay. If I die I wouldn't mind, but living is easier.
Cause I don't have to do anything to survive, not more than I already do. Basic survival is fairly easy. It's harder to die, I mean. Takes a lot of planning, courage and determination. I'm not determined to do anything. Not even living, definitely not living. I'm just lingering here, waiting for that courage to end my life.
Faith in delusions
I haven't been practising much Satanism lately, have I? Yeah, living by it's "virtues" or what to say, but I always have, more or less. I don't even know for sure what it even means to me yet, or what I build my belief on.
There are people who talk to God and hear their lord speak back to them, but I don't know how literally they mean. But if it is literally, and other people don't consider them insane, that it's just their faith... Could that justify the fact that I hear Satan speak to me? Or am I just bonkers?
He still fulfil my wishes, even when he says it might not be possible to do so. He knows I'm so devoted and grateful that my wishes shouldn't go to waste. At least I think so. But the thing is, some times when I hear him speak to me (it sounds a bit like my own thoughts and at the same time not, cause his voice is much different from my own) I can't help but wonder if it's the real Satan. Though he always manages to convince me.
Of what I know about delusions this is a very sticky web I'm in. Cause the exact same thing, that of voices convincing you they are real, occurs. It's tricky because they actually do convince me and I believe they are real. In my heart I believe it, and in most parts of my mind. It's just that my subconscious or some other partially hidden part of my mind tends to wonder some times.
I'm a very rational person, and it does seem a little weird hearing the voice of Satan, right? Cause how can I tell how many screws I've got loose if I can't count? I still haven't told my mother about these extra voices I've been hearing since the summer. Maybe I'm a bit embarrassed, or maybe I just don't wanna hear what I think she would say about them. I wanna keep them to myself, what they say and what they promise me.
So what do I really base my satanic belief system on? Is it a delusion, a book or something so strong inside me I just can't describe it? If I would somehow get confirmation that the voice I hear is entirely a hallucination, would I then question my choice of religion? I honestly don't know. Cause what if I swore my life over to a hallucination? That... would really be quite an inconvenience... talking about letting my illness take control over my life. Whatever it is that I have.
If it's not Schizophrenia I still have hallucinations and deeply embedded delusions that I most often can't tell apart from the reality. Most of them I've had since childhood. That's why they're so deep and complicated. They've had years and years to develop and poison my mind, heart and soul.
The scary thing though, is that there might be more delusions that I live with every day just that I can't tell them apart from reality. Ever.
When I listen to Funker Vogt's song "Schizophrenia" and recognise myself so painfully much in it. Some times I can't even stand to listen to it because of that. Here's an example:
"I'm living in a real nightmare
my two worlds will collide
I don't know who I am
You will never understand
the way they think and act
a schizophrenic person
we treat without respect"
It's not so strange that I choose to flee from reality, but it's not your reality that I want to escape from.
There are people who talk to God and hear their lord speak back to them, but I don't know how literally they mean. But if it is literally, and other people don't consider them insane, that it's just their faith... Could that justify the fact that I hear Satan speak to me? Or am I just bonkers?
He still fulfil my wishes, even when he says it might not be possible to do so. He knows I'm so devoted and grateful that my wishes shouldn't go to waste. At least I think so. But the thing is, some times when I hear him speak to me (it sounds a bit like my own thoughts and at the same time not, cause his voice is much different from my own) I can't help but wonder if it's the real Satan. Though he always manages to convince me.
Of what I know about delusions this is a very sticky web I'm in. Cause the exact same thing, that of voices convincing you they are real, occurs. It's tricky because they actually do convince me and I believe they are real. In my heart I believe it, and in most parts of my mind. It's just that my subconscious or some other partially hidden part of my mind tends to wonder some times.
I'm a very rational person, and it does seem a little weird hearing the voice of Satan, right? Cause how can I tell how many screws I've got loose if I can't count? I still haven't told my mother about these extra voices I've been hearing since the summer. Maybe I'm a bit embarrassed, or maybe I just don't wanna hear what I think she would say about them. I wanna keep them to myself, what they say and what they promise me.
So what do I really base my satanic belief system on? Is it a delusion, a book or something so strong inside me I just can't describe it? If I would somehow get confirmation that the voice I hear is entirely a hallucination, would I then question my choice of religion? I honestly don't know. Cause what if I swore my life over to a hallucination? That... would really be quite an inconvenience... talking about letting my illness take control over my life. Whatever it is that I have.
If it's not Schizophrenia I still have hallucinations and deeply embedded delusions that I most often can't tell apart from the reality. Most of them I've had since childhood. That's why they're so deep and complicated. They've had years and years to develop and poison my mind, heart and soul.
The scary thing though, is that there might be more delusions that I live with every day just that I can't tell them apart from reality. Ever.
When I listen to Funker Vogt's song "Schizophrenia" and recognise myself so painfully much in it. Some times I can't even stand to listen to it because of that. Here's an example:
"I'm living in a real nightmare
my two worlds will collide
I don't know who I am
You will never understand
the way they think and act
a schizophrenic person
we treat without respect"
It's not so strange that I choose to flee from reality, but it's not your reality that I want to escape from.
Poison
I just write and nothing good comes out of it today. Write, write, write until my fingers hurt. Some of it I could probably post, but it's profoundly negative and depressive so I think I'll skip that. Mostly cause I don't wanna read it through and once again get those thoughts into my head.
Still playing a lot of WoW as well. Finally got up fishing and the ability to track fish so that I could complete a few daily quests. And got cooking up to 600 as well. Yet another few daily's completed. I now have a baby dragon serpent to care for in the Pandaria zones. It's so adorable and I can play catch with it and feed it honey. Which I will do every day for a while. Maybe some new quests will come up as well, we'll see.
Still also questing in Vashj'ir on the side, and also levelling up Archaeology, which I'm at 246 for the moment. It's kinda tedious though, and not very rewarding. Though I got a cute little skeleton raptor pet. It's following me around everywhere now, a little company. Woah, that really makes me seem lonely...
The thing is, even when I come up with a good piece of text to post, I rarely finish writing it until it starts crawling in my skin and I have to go back to WoW again.
The thought about death has been poisoning my mind since around mid afternoon. Not actually about suicide, but death and dying in general. What happens when you die, to you and those you leave behind. The consequences. What do I really know about death?
And my own death... I don't wanna think about that, but yet I do. I always come to that when thoughts about my future come up. Cause death is all I see, with sickness and sadness and madness. Those dark thoughts like a veil of shadow over my eyes and everything that was bright turns dark. I wonder why I continuously make myself feel bad.
Those dark thoughts are like a train. Forceful, loud and hard to stop. Not impossible, but yeah, hard to stop. They seem to live their own lives, a natural force by itself, taking over me, forcing me to their bidding. I try not to think about it, I really do. Yeah, this is me trying that... better post this before it gets too long.
Still playing a lot of WoW as well. Finally got up fishing and the ability to track fish so that I could complete a few daily quests. And got cooking up to 600 as well. Yet another few daily's completed. I now have a baby dragon serpent to care for in the Pandaria zones. It's so adorable and I can play catch with it and feed it honey. Which I will do every day for a while. Maybe some new quests will come up as well, we'll see.
Still also questing in Vashj'ir on the side, and also levelling up Archaeology, which I'm at 246 for the moment. It's kinda tedious though, and not very rewarding. Though I got a cute little skeleton raptor pet. It's following me around everywhere now, a little company. Woah, that really makes me seem lonely...
The thing is, even when I come up with a good piece of text to post, I rarely finish writing it until it starts crawling in my skin and I have to go back to WoW again.
The thought about death has been poisoning my mind since around mid afternoon. Not actually about suicide, but death and dying in general. What happens when you die, to you and those you leave behind. The consequences. What do I really know about death?
And my own death... I don't wanna think about that, but yet I do. I always come to that when thoughts about my future come up. Cause death is all I see, with sickness and sadness and madness. Those dark thoughts like a veil of shadow over my eyes and everything that was bright turns dark. I wonder why I continuously make myself feel bad.
Those dark thoughts are like a train. Forceful, loud and hard to stop. Not impossible, but yeah, hard to stop. They seem to live their own lives, a natural force by itself, taking over me, forcing me to their bidding. I try not to think about it, I really do. Yeah, this is me trying that... better post this before it gets too long.
Seven years
Valentine's Day is coming up soon. That date is really digging a hole
in the remains of my heart and it's getting worse now. The ads and
commercials are starting to leak out through the media, taunting me with
false hopes about love. They're celebrating the worst day of my life.
Opening up that terrible wound inside me every god damn year for soon
seven years now. I didn't like the holiday before that either.
When as a kid I was one of those who never got any cards or whatever you were supposed to give each other. I was destined to be alone, it felt like back then, and it still feels that way, even though I've done everything in my power to try to change that. But all I got was a broken heart.
And then that thing happened in 2007. At the moment I hadn't noticed what date it was, it wasn't until right after. Happy Valentine's Day! He said and gave me candy. Oh fuck... now that has really been a mind twister. Mostly I don't think so much about that event, cause maybe I'm over it you know. Well, I might be over it the other 364 days of the year, but when the anniversary is coming up I just sort of... wanna disappear.
Well I don't know what's gonna happen this year in particular. Last year I was doing almost okay, but I was more stable then, less fucked up in a way. But this year... I'm already at the verge of total breakdown, sick with love and hopelessness is slowly drowning me. Yeah, I'm gonna be a wreck, I can tell you that much. Why can't people allover the world stop celebrating the day I was raped!?
Yeah, I really, really wanna disappear on February the 14th. Go far away from the whole world and all the chocolate hearts, red roses and jolly little glitter sprinkled love letters. Ughh... kill me now please. I wish I had someone to be with that day, at least. Someone who would just understand and protect me, keep me safe. I don't require much. Just your full attention, a whole carton of cigarettes, perhaps some tea and lots of hugs. Watching Thelma and Louise, or some other "fuck the world" -movie.
For some reason my parents just don't do. I feel like I'm hurting them in some way. Like as if it was my fault I got hurt and in that way I also hurt them. (Now I know it wasn't my fault, it's just a lingering feeling that I think almost every rape victim carry with them). That I feel guilty to not have gotten over that incident after seven frigging years. I don't want my parents to see me shattered to pieces, no matter what the reason for it is.
I don't think I'm in shape to travel either, and I'm broke as well. I'm just too poor, can barely pay for my own food. So I can't go to Uppsala, at least not for a while. I'll have to make it on my own somehow. I've survived worse, this... it's just memories.
When as a kid I was one of those who never got any cards or whatever you were supposed to give each other. I was destined to be alone, it felt like back then, and it still feels that way, even though I've done everything in my power to try to change that. But all I got was a broken heart.
And then that thing happened in 2007. At the moment I hadn't noticed what date it was, it wasn't until right after. Happy Valentine's Day! He said and gave me candy. Oh fuck... now that has really been a mind twister. Mostly I don't think so much about that event, cause maybe I'm over it you know. Well, I might be over it the other 364 days of the year, but when the anniversary is coming up I just sort of... wanna disappear.
Well I don't know what's gonna happen this year in particular. Last year I was doing almost okay, but I was more stable then, less fucked up in a way. But this year... I'm already at the verge of total breakdown, sick with love and hopelessness is slowly drowning me. Yeah, I'm gonna be a wreck, I can tell you that much. Why can't people allover the world stop celebrating the day I was raped!?
Yeah, I really, really wanna disappear on February the 14th. Go far away from the whole world and all the chocolate hearts, red roses and jolly little glitter sprinkled love letters. Ughh... kill me now please. I wish I had someone to be with that day, at least. Someone who would just understand and protect me, keep me safe. I don't require much. Just your full attention, a whole carton of cigarettes, perhaps some tea and lots of hugs. Watching Thelma and Louise, or some other "fuck the world" -movie.
For some reason my parents just don't do. I feel like I'm hurting them in some way. Like as if it was my fault I got hurt and in that way I also hurt them. (Now I know it wasn't my fault, it's just a lingering feeling that I think almost every rape victim carry with them). That I feel guilty to not have gotten over that incident after seven frigging years. I don't want my parents to see me shattered to pieces, no matter what the reason for it is.
I don't think I'm in shape to travel either, and I'm broke as well. I'm just too poor, can barely pay for my own food. So I can't go to Uppsala, at least not for a while. I'll have to make it on my own somehow. I've survived worse, this... it's just memories.
Friday, 24 January 2014
Even in dreams
In a dream tonight I accidentally set my bed on fire, my favourite pillow all ruined, my favourite stuffed animal burn damaged. My father was so angry with me, cause I had left some tea lights (small candles) by the bed. I checked everything so that it wouldn't be any such accidents! Why was he so mad at me? I checked it, I can swear that I checked that there were no damn candles...
Some dreams give me so strong feelings that I can't let go of them after I wake up. I still ask myself, why was my father so mad at me? Why didn't I see the candles? This dream was riddled with shame, anger and fear.
Moving on to another dream. I play a lot of WoW, and apparently my subconscious mind acknowledges that. Cause apparently I recalled the human's race leader Varian Wrynn's name and exact looks in a dream tonight. I don't even play as a human, though he looks kinda cool with that scar across his face and all. You know I love scars.
I don't see the point in playing as a human in WoW, when you can pretend to be a dwarf, a troll, a blood elf and so on. I already pretend to be a human every day in real life. And I don't want that burden in my favourite game.
I read on a web page some time ago, someone describing which race to pick for a priest. They had written that most people play as human, because most people are human in real life. *Most* people, not everyone, they stated. I can't even describe that feeling, being recognised as possibly not human, someone realising that not all people are in fact humans! The wow feeling! (Pun intended).
Lately I've been thinking about cosplay, that it would be awsome dressing up and competing as a goblin priest. Though, I suppose I should be a specific goblin in the game. Like trade prince Gallywix or something. I dunno. I don't even know how I could proceed with that thought.
That troll rogue is back in Orgrimmar! At level 82 this time. Still wearing the starter gear, just standing there. My mind starts wandering again, wondering what's up with that player. Though I don't know if I should ask them.
Some dreams give me so strong feelings that I can't let go of them after I wake up. I still ask myself, why was my father so mad at me? Why didn't I see the candles? This dream was riddled with shame, anger and fear.
Moving on to another dream. I play a lot of WoW, and apparently my subconscious mind acknowledges that. Cause apparently I recalled the human's race leader Varian Wrynn's name and exact looks in a dream tonight. I don't even play as a human, though he looks kinda cool with that scar across his face and all. You know I love scars.
I don't see the point in playing as a human in WoW, when you can pretend to be a dwarf, a troll, a blood elf and so on. I already pretend to be a human every day in real life. And I don't want that burden in my favourite game.
I read on a web page some time ago, someone describing which race to pick for a priest. They had written that most people play as human, because most people are human in real life. *Most* people, not everyone, they stated. I can't even describe that feeling, being recognised as possibly not human, someone realising that not all people are in fact humans! The wow feeling! (Pun intended).
Lately I've been thinking about cosplay, that it would be awsome dressing up and competing as a goblin priest. Though, I suppose I should be a specific goblin in the game. Like trade prince Gallywix or something. I dunno. I don't even know how I could proceed with that thought.
That troll rogue is back in Orgrimmar! At level 82 this time. Still wearing the starter gear, just standing there. My mind starts wandering again, wondering what's up with that player. Though I don't know if I should ask them.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
Just ranting
I'm hungry almost all of the time, but it doesn't seem to affect my mood. I'm happy, scared, sad or angry depending on the circumstances for quick moments and then it passes. Maybe it's some sort of self control, I dunno.
Now what, WoW is acting weird again.Won't log me into my server. Okay I got like up to 10 characters spread over like 15 different servers, but it's Argent Dawn that I wanna enter. Fucking always full, probably all those retards who "role play" by dancing half naked in the inn in Goldshire all through the night.
Ugh, I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. Yet I just wanna keep on playing WoW and listen to music all night long. Not gonna happen though. I'll take some pictures of my hair tomorrow, since it's still wet, besides from the fact that I'm too frigging tired to do anything else than sitting on my ass and farm various types of cloth in WoW for first aid.
My fingers hurt. Guess it's from the bleaching cream that irritated the skin. First I used gloves but got annoyed by them so threw them away and kept on without them instead. My skin doesn't get discoloured from the bleach as with other hair dyes, but it might fall off instead. Nah, it's not that bad. At least it doesn't look bad or anything, just a little red and dry. I'll be fine, just whining.
I rarely recognise the same character twice in WoW, but this troll seems to be at the flight path in Orgrimmar every day. It's a female rouge in starter gear, scaling from level 9, I think was the first time I saw her, to 81 as of today. Still in starter gear. I wonder if the player controlling her is levelling in those rags, or just place their character at that same spot in those same rags every day for show or something. Hmm, odd.
Now what, WoW is acting weird again.Won't log me into my server. Okay I got like up to 10 characters spread over like 15 different servers, but it's Argent Dawn that I wanna enter. Fucking always full, probably all those retards who "role play" by dancing half naked in the inn in Goldshire all through the night.
Ugh, I'm so tired I can barely keep my head up. Yet I just wanna keep on playing WoW and listen to music all night long. Not gonna happen though. I'll take some pictures of my hair tomorrow, since it's still wet, besides from the fact that I'm too frigging tired to do anything else than sitting on my ass and farm various types of cloth in WoW for first aid.
My fingers hurt. Guess it's from the bleaching cream that irritated the skin. First I used gloves but got annoyed by them so threw them away and kept on without them instead. My skin doesn't get discoloured from the bleach as with other hair dyes, but it might fall off instead. Nah, it's not that bad. At least it doesn't look bad or anything, just a little red and dry. I'll be fine, just whining.
I rarely recognise the same character twice in WoW, but this troll seems to be at the flight path in Orgrimmar every day. It's a female rouge in starter gear, scaling from level 9, I think was the first time I saw her, to 81 as of today. Still in starter gear. I wonder if the player controlling her is levelling in those rags, or just place their character at that same spot in those same rags every day for show or something. Hmm, odd.
Fixing with my hair again
I'm gonna do the second round of bleaching my hair today. Well, technically it's the third, but this time I'm gonna do my whole hair at once. They only had one package of the bleach I'm using (Schwartzkopf L1++) so I had to take one of another kind as well. We'll see how that goes... My plan is to use the stronger bleach on my tips and lengths, and the weaker one higher up. But first I have to wait for my newly washed hair to dry, whenever that will happen... I didn't use any balm so that the bleach will take better.
My mother was kinda surprised when I told her I wanted to bleach all of my hair. I was like yea, what did you think? Blonde roots and black lengths? She said I would look stupid in it, where as I just calmly stated that I though she was wrong. I'm pale and have light eyes, so I could totally pull off light blonde hair, as long as I get the right shade.
The way I want the finished result is very light but not white, ash/silvery but not grey, ivory but less yellow. Something like that. I'm gonna play around with toners and dyes until I find that colour which will match my skin tone and eyes. Still haven't really decided about my eyebrows yet though. Keep it as they are or bleach? They are very dark now and it might look a little weird. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually.
My mother was kinda surprised when I told her I wanted to bleach all of my hair. I was like yea, what did you think? Blonde roots and black lengths? She said I would look stupid in it, where as I just calmly stated that I though she was wrong. I'm pale and have light eyes, so I could totally pull off light blonde hair, as long as I get the right shade.
The way I want the finished result is very light but not white, ash/silvery but not grey, ivory but less yellow. Something like that. I'm gonna play around with toners and dyes until I find that colour which will match my skin tone and eyes. Still haven't really decided about my eyebrows yet though. Keep it as they are or bleach? They are very dark now and it might look a little weird. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually.
It's all at once
It's been a good day in Azeroth today. Got overjoyed by levelling Jewelcrafting from 498 to 587. Zones Deepholm and Uldum finished with lots of achievements (five or six just today) and started in Vashj'ir. And also I got nearly two thousand gold from questing and selling things off on the auction house. More than I could ask for in just one day! But then I've been logged in since 11:00 am which is almost eleven hours... That's not so much for being me these days though.
I'm feeling the effect of my sleeping pills, but still won't go to bed. I like this feeling, I wanna stay in it. So soft, gently embracing me with a cradling calm. So soothing, the storm in my head stopped swirling and all the thoughts and feelings started fading, like leaves from a tree in the autumn breeze.
I'm feeling poetic, yet wordless in this moment. Like seeing the colourful world through a shallow shadow. The words are like smoke, impossible to capture, yet visible and constantly moving around. Ascending, swirling, spreading. My feelings like a burned out camp fire, still warm from the flames that has faded, making the coal glowing bright red. A reminder of the past that I cannot let go of.
It's hitting me all at once again, and I do my very best to forget it all and find peace in world of warcraft. My love, my homesickness, my weight are my obsessions. Yes, you read right, it's not just interests or a little too dedicated, it's leaning towards actual obsessions.
My positive obsession though, is world of warcraft. Why is that one positive? Simply because it's fun and harmless. The other are destructive, heart tearing, brutalisingmy mind, eating me up inside like an infesting worm. Memories that hurt like broken glass on bare feel. Feelings that cut too deep and get lost in the abyss of my heart. Thoughts penetrating my exhausted mind, stinging like acid in my mouth when I speak they out loud.
Searing, sore and unkind. Such is my mind.
*
I'm painfully hungry, just want another shake before I go to bed, but I'm having a glass of milk instead. These pills are so effective, I don't know how much longer I can stay awake for. I know I shouldn't, but something invites me to fight back, stay awake. Just a little longer, just a little. Maybe I'll have an Imovane. With that in my blood stream I cannot defeat that effect.
Okay, just took one, so I'll have to deal with the taste of metal in my mouth for the most of tomorrow. I can usually go to bed when that side effect reaches my throat. You see it sort of crawls upwards, slowly. Like water over the skin, in a thin streak.
I smoke so much when I'm hungry or fight against the effect of sleeping pills. It's both right now, so you can probably figure out how many cigarettes has been consumed this early night. The only addiction/habit I will never quit. Maybe I'll pause every now and then for special occasions (like for the up coming surgery that seems to never gonna take place).
My god I long for that surgery, more and more for each time I think of it. I wonder how long it's gonna take. How much longer I'm supposed to wait. Guess I'm not a priority. Transpersons rarely are a priority. It's considered cosmetic surgery, which is a load of crap with a sting of truth in it. Cause it's about looking better, but it's first and foremost a necessity for the person to go on living.
I don't think I've ever met any other transsexual who's never had suicidal thoughts at some point during or before transition. That is just too damn sad.The health care system and people working around the issue and the government should care more for this rather small group of unfortunate people.
People say they don't understand transsexialism, but to they really have to. Just treat us like normal human being accept us we are. It's not a stupid choice no one can imagine someone making. It's real and we are standing right in front of your goddamned faces. How can they not understand cthat's simplie: the transperson changing their sex because they can't stand living with it as it.
I'm feeling the effect of my sleeping pills, but still won't go to bed. I like this feeling, I wanna stay in it. So soft, gently embracing me with a cradling calm. So soothing, the storm in my head stopped swirling and all the thoughts and feelings started fading, like leaves from a tree in the autumn breeze.
I'm feeling poetic, yet wordless in this moment. Like seeing the colourful world through a shallow shadow. The words are like smoke, impossible to capture, yet visible and constantly moving around. Ascending, swirling, spreading. My feelings like a burned out camp fire, still warm from the flames that has faded, making the coal glowing bright red. A reminder of the past that I cannot let go of.
It's hitting me all at once again, and I do my very best to forget it all and find peace in world of warcraft. My love, my homesickness, my weight are my obsessions. Yes, you read right, it's not just interests or a little too dedicated, it's leaning towards actual obsessions.
My positive obsession though, is world of warcraft. Why is that one positive? Simply because it's fun and harmless. The other are destructive, heart tearing, brutalisingmy mind, eating me up inside like an infesting worm. Memories that hurt like broken glass on bare feel. Feelings that cut too deep and get lost in the abyss of my heart. Thoughts penetrating my exhausted mind, stinging like acid in my mouth when I speak they out loud.
Searing, sore and unkind. Such is my mind.
*
I'm painfully hungry, just want another shake before I go to bed, but I'm having a glass of milk instead. These pills are so effective, I don't know how much longer I can stay awake for. I know I shouldn't, but something invites me to fight back, stay awake. Just a little longer, just a little. Maybe I'll have an Imovane. With that in my blood stream I cannot defeat that effect.
Okay, just took one, so I'll have to deal with the taste of metal in my mouth for the most of tomorrow. I can usually go to bed when that side effect reaches my throat. You see it sort of crawls upwards, slowly. Like water over the skin, in a thin streak.
I smoke so much when I'm hungry or fight against the effect of sleeping pills. It's both right now, so you can probably figure out how many cigarettes has been consumed this early night. The only addiction/habit I will never quit. Maybe I'll pause every now and then for special occasions (like for the up coming surgery that seems to never gonna take place).
My god I long for that surgery, more and more for each time I think of it. I wonder how long it's gonna take. How much longer I'm supposed to wait. Guess I'm not a priority. Transpersons rarely are a priority. It's considered cosmetic surgery, which is a load of crap with a sting of truth in it. Cause it's about looking better, but it's first and foremost a necessity for the person to go on living.
I don't think I've ever met any other transsexual who's never had suicidal thoughts at some point during or before transition. That is just too damn sad.The health care system and people working around the issue and the government should care more for this rather small group of unfortunate people.
People say they don't understand transsexialism, but to they really have to. Just treat us like normal human being accept us we are. It's not a stupid choice no one can imagine someone making. It's real and we are standing right in front of your goddamned faces. How can they not understand cthat's simplie: the transperson changing their sex because they can't stand living with it as it.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
How many obsession do I have really...
I feel guilty eating sweets, like I'm asking for a weight gain. I know that thought is possessing my mind these days, poisoning my mind, but I let it. I let it torture me until I've reached my goal. I know that without trying I can steadily keep a weight, any weight really. It's just getting there that is hard.
I didn't gain weight because of bad habits, I gained it as a side effect from my medication. First from Risperdal in 2006 when I went from 55 to 70 kg. Then I got down to 60-63. Then from Lyrica or Cymbalta, I don't know which one, I got up to 80 kg. And now I've gone down to 68.
Now I'm very careful with what I put in my stomach, including medicine. Every time I try a new drug I'm very keen on being absolutely 100% sure it won't make me fat. That's why I'm not taking Zyprexa so much anymore, cause if I take too much or too often it has that side effect. I have Abilify instead, which is much safer.
I can see the smirks on people's faces when I tell them I really wanna lose weight. They only see above my waist and make the conclusion that I'm thin enough as it is. Not that I like it when people stare at my ass, but how can they not see that I'm overweight? My BMI is at 26, I'm not lying or anything. Normal weight BMI is between 19 and 25, so go figure. I wanna be at 19.
So I might not be fat, but I'm not exactly thin either. And I hate my body so painfully much I just can't stand it. And now I'm living on diet shakes, tea and a small sandwich every other day but still can't lose weight. I have to eat even less, get sweeteners for my tea instead of real sugar, not "cheat" with sandwiches and definitely no candy.
"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" like Abney Park sings in their song "Creep". I so relate to that right now. I got so angry when I saw that I had not lost any weight since last time I weighed myself right after New Years. This isn't a punishment though, just that I realise that I have to be harder on myself if I'm gonna make it work.
At least I'm dedicated, but it takes more than just will to make dreams come true, right? I've been at it for more than six months and all I've lost is 10 kg. Might seem like a lot to some people, but that isn't very helpful. What would be helpful? Change my metabolism, that would be good...
I didn't gain weight because of bad habits, I gained it as a side effect from my medication. First from Risperdal in 2006 when I went from 55 to 70 kg. Then I got down to 60-63. Then from Lyrica or Cymbalta, I don't know which one, I got up to 80 kg. And now I've gone down to 68.
Now I'm very careful with what I put in my stomach, including medicine. Every time I try a new drug I'm very keen on being absolutely 100% sure it won't make me fat. That's why I'm not taking Zyprexa so much anymore, cause if I take too much or too often it has that side effect. I have Abilify instead, which is much safer.
I can see the smirks on people's faces when I tell them I really wanna lose weight. They only see above my waist and make the conclusion that I'm thin enough as it is. Not that I like it when people stare at my ass, but how can they not see that I'm overweight? My BMI is at 26, I'm not lying or anything. Normal weight BMI is between 19 and 25, so go figure. I wanna be at 19.
So I might not be fat, but I'm not exactly thin either. And I hate my body so painfully much I just can't stand it. And now I'm living on diet shakes, tea and a small sandwich every other day but still can't lose weight. I have to eat even less, get sweeteners for my tea instead of real sugar, not "cheat" with sandwiches and definitely no candy.
"I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" like Abney Park sings in their song "Creep". I so relate to that right now. I got so angry when I saw that I had not lost any weight since last time I weighed myself right after New Years. This isn't a punishment though, just that I realise that I have to be harder on myself if I'm gonna make it work.
At least I'm dedicated, but it takes more than just will to make dreams come true, right? I've been at it for more than six months and all I've lost is 10 kg. Might seem like a lot to some people, but that isn't very helpful. What would be helpful? Change my metabolism, that would be good...
From one obsession to another
I'm having fun in WoW again. Letting out sounds like "yay" "yes" "oooh nice", smiling and laughing to myself. Damn, I love it when I have something to smile about. I treasure every single one of those moments. Anyway, I got jewelcrafting from 498 to 587 in an hour. Only 13 points left! Not bad, not bad at all! Way beyond expectation.
I've never gotten this far with a production profession before. Got mining up to 600 yesterday though, or was it the day before? Something like that. Got the achievement "Working around the clock" as well. I'm not working that hard, am I?
I put up a lot of gems on auction house now, and hopefully I'll make some profit. Someone already bought a few. Need a lot of gold now, since jewelcrafting is so close to max skill point, I really need to start making money for the flying skill in Pandaria zones. So that I can easily quest there for reputation as my next step towards the Sapphire Panther mount.
Think I've come out of the noob phase yet? Or maybe shadow priests are just as over powered as I suspect, but I'm quite badass in my 'as good as they get quest reward gear'. I found a few blue quality gear items on auction house though, just as a start or something. I hesitated buying them at first, cause they are actually for PVP, but the stats (except for the PVP stats) were all soooo much better I just couldn't resist.
I don't do PVP (player versus player). It's too stressful and requires a lot more advanced tactics/techniques than that for normal PVE (player versus environment). So a part of me got a little uncomfortable putting on PVP gear. So afraid of falling into the noob trap again. A dedicated level 90 just shouldn't be a fucking noob.
For those who don't know, a noob is someone messing up and doing all things wrong but still thinks it's right. Like say, if you're a Death Knight and greedily collect cloth gear with the stat intellect, you're a noob. Cause Death Knights wear plate and go for strength, and possibly agility? Not sure on that one to be perfectly honest. Being a noob isn't really about admitting you are uncertain about something, even though it also can mean that you're a beginner doing things wrong. But as most players I cross paths with say: we are all beginners at one point.
But I'm definitely not a beginner, so to me it's utterly embarrassing if I'd come off as a noob. It would be something like, say if you're an experienced chef and still burn everything you make cause you think frying food on the highest possible temperature for 30 minutes is the way to go.
I've never gotten this far with a production profession before. Got mining up to 600 yesterday though, or was it the day before? Something like that. Got the achievement "Working around the clock" as well. I'm not working that hard, am I?
I put up a lot of gems on auction house now, and hopefully I'll make some profit. Someone already bought a few. Need a lot of gold now, since jewelcrafting is so close to max skill point, I really need to start making money for the flying skill in Pandaria zones. So that I can easily quest there for reputation as my next step towards the Sapphire Panther mount.
Think I've come out of the noob phase yet? Or maybe shadow priests are just as over powered as I suspect, but I'm quite badass in my 'as good as they get quest reward gear'. I found a few blue quality gear items on auction house though, just as a start or something. I hesitated buying them at first, cause they are actually for PVP, but the stats (except for the PVP stats) were all soooo much better I just couldn't resist.
I don't do PVP (player versus player). It's too stressful and requires a lot more advanced tactics/techniques than that for normal PVE (player versus environment). So a part of me got a little uncomfortable putting on PVP gear. So afraid of falling into the noob trap again. A dedicated level 90 just shouldn't be a fucking noob.
For those who don't know, a noob is someone messing up and doing all things wrong but still thinks it's right. Like say, if you're a Death Knight and greedily collect cloth gear with the stat intellect, you're a noob. Cause Death Knights wear plate and go for strength, and possibly agility? Not sure on that one to be perfectly honest. Being a noob isn't really about admitting you are uncertain about something, even though it also can mean that you're a beginner doing things wrong. But as most players I cross paths with say: we are all beginners at one point.
But I'm definitely not a beginner, so to me it's utterly embarrassing if I'd come off as a noob. It would be something like, say if you're an experienced chef and still burn everything you make cause you think frying food on the highest possible temperature for 30 minutes is the way to go.
Weekly maintenance
Oh fuck, it's Wednesday. What do I hate about Wednesdays? World of warcraft is under its weekly maintenance. Shut down until 11 o'clock. Instead I try to listen to "The Hobbit" on audio book. But writing one thing and listening to another isn't easy. Not impossible, as you can probably tell, but sure not easy.
I recognise a little in the book, not just the imagery I get from the first movie, but the text itself. I remember my father tried to read it to me and my sister when we were little. It wasn't to our liking though, I couldn't understand a daft. Even though it was in Swedish back then and I listen to it in English now. Still haven't seen the second movie. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, it's just that my family didn't like the first one and therefore they didn't wanna see the sequel at the cinema. So simply I have to wait until it's out on DVD. And no, I don't know what's wrong with my family, to not like The Hobbit movie! Shame on them.
It's too early for this now... I can't concentrate. But can I ever? Concentrate, I mean, on anything at all. I think it's a shame that I can't read books these days. They take so much time and concentration and my attention span just snaps in two and my thoughts start to wander. I get ideas and it starts crawling under my skin, the need to do something else.
I can't concentrate on one particular thing for more than around 15 minutes these days. And before you say it, yes it includes world of warcraft as well. How do think I can write so much in a day and yet play so much WoW? I shift back and fourth and back and fourth all the time, about every fifteenth minute.
Just one more hour before I can log in... I hate waiting. But at least I know how much longer I'm supposed to wait. It's so much harder to be waiting when you don't know how long it's gonna take. Like waiting for my love, or for that surgery to take place.
When I have no guarantee, not even that it will actually happen. I lose hope, gain hope, and go through every possible emotion on the way. Love, fear, hate, anger, joy, excitement, restlessness, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt and combinations between them all.
I still haven't lost more weight since after Christmas, still stuck on 68 kg. Why the fuck can't I lose more weight? I need to get harder on myself, restrict my eating/food habits even further. I need to get down to 60 kg before the summer, but I just don't know how to without exercise. Cause I just have to admit that I hate moving around. I hate panting, sweating, feeling my body bounce around. It's disgusting.
I do get inspired when I see others working out or talk about it, it's not that, but if I just even imagine myself in that position it just makes me feel sick. Another part about being human that I just absolutely hate.
Keep listening to "Shallow grave" by The Birthday Massacre as I have been doing for the last one or two days now. Sometimes I take a break and listen to other songs by the same band. But that song is definitely my favourite.
30 more minutes... getting eagerly unsatisfied here. And I don't even know what more to write about. It's snowing outside. Third time this year, or maybe it's the fourth. We didn't get a white Christmas on Gotland. But now it's all white with slippery streets.
I've lost my boots. How does one lose a pair of huge, heavy leather boots?! I lose anything and everything whether it's possible or not. If I had a car I'd probably lose track of that one too. Lose as in "tappa bort" not "förlora". Just to make it clear. Wow, I don't think I've written a single word in Swedish here in months before now. Felt weird.
I'm worried about my love. Can't tell you why, but I have my reasons. I see signs that shouldn't be ignored, yet I can't think of anything to say. I recognise myself in him, and that alone is enough to get anyone worried. Yet no one else seem to be. Though there are just subtle signs, one could think it would bring up a little more attention.
Oh well, hopefully I'll think of something to say. Something not insipid or thoughtless, something that I would want to hear in his situation. Cause of course I care, I just don't know how to show it.
I recognise a little in the book, not just the imagery I get from the first movie, but the text itself. I remember my father tried to read it to me and my sister when we were little. It wasn't to our liking though, I couldn't understand a daft. Even though it was in Swedish back then and I listen to it in English now. Still haven't seen the second movie. Don't get me wrong, I really want to, it's just that my family didn't like the first one and therefore they didn't wanna see the sequel at the cinema. So simply I have to wait until it's out on DVD. And no, I don't know what's wrong with my family, to not like The Hobbit movie! Shame on them.
It's too early for this now... I can't concentrate. But can I ever? Concentrate, I mean, on anything at all. I think it's a shame that I can't read books these days. They take so much time and concentration and my attention span just snaps in two and my thoughts start to wander. I get ideas and it starts crawling under my skin, the need to do something else.
I can't concentrate on one particular thing for more than around 15 minutes these days. And before you say it, yes it includes world of warcraft as well. How do think I can write so much in a day and yet play so much WoW? I shift back and fourth and back and fourth all the time, about every fifteenth minute.
Just one more hour before I can log in... I hate waiting. But at least I know how much longer I'm supposed to wait. It's so much harder to be waiting when you don't know how long it's gonna take. Like waiting for my love, or for that surgery to take place.
When I have no guarantee, not even that it will actually happen. I lose hope, gain hope, and go through every possible emotion on the way. Love, fear, hate, anger, joy, excitement, restlessness, apathy, sadness, shame, guilt and combinations between them all.
I still haven't lost more weight since after Christmas, still stuck on 68 kg. Why the fuck can't I lose more weight? I need to get harder on myself, restrict my eating/food habits even further. I need to get down to 60 kg before the summer, but I just don't know how to without exercise. Cause I just have to admit that I hate moving around. I hate panting, sweating, feeling my body bounce around. It's disgusting.
I do get inspired when I see others working out or talk about it, it's not that, but if I just even imagine myself in that position it just makes me feel sick. Another part about being human that I just absolutely hate.
Keep listening to "Shallow grave" by The Birthday Massacre as I have been doing for the last one or two days now. Sometimes I take a break and listen to other songs by the same band. But that song is definitely my favourite.
30 more minutes... getting eagerly unsatisfied here. And I don't even know what more to write about. It's snowing outside. Third time this year, or maybe it's the fourth. We didn't get a white Christmas on Gotland. But now it's all white with slippery streets.
I've lost my boots. How does one lose a pair of huge, heavy leather boots?! I lose anything and everything whether it's possible or not. If I had a car I'd probably lose track of that one too. Lose as in "tappa bort" not "förlora". Just to make it clear. Wow, I don't think I've written a single word in Swedish here in months before now. Felt weird.
I'm worried about my love. Can't tell you why, but I have my reasons. I see signs that shouldn't be ignored, yet I can't think of anything to say. I recognise myself in him, and that alone is enough to get anyone worried. Yet no one else seem to be. Though there are just subtle signs, one could think it would bring up a little more attention.
Oh well, hopefully I'll think of something to say. Something not insipid or thoughtless, something that I would want to hear in his situation. Cause of course I care, I just don't know how to show it.
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Come one, come all
I'm in quite a confused state right now. Don't know exactly how to describe it. I'm thinking about my love and how things are with him. I'm worried, excited and feel guilty all at once. I don't know how to play my game, so to say. Which cards to show and which to keep hiding. It might be time to make a move, though I'm very uncertain.
Also thinking about my demon form. That I miss what I looked like, that it feels like an emotional amputation of sorts. Sometimes I think maybe this life has changed me too much, that I'm not the demon I once was anymore. I hope that isn't true. Cause if it is true then I am nothing. Neither demon nor human.
And I'm thinking about Caspian, my dearest from Dala, and that it was because of him I started to get more interested in elves. Tolkien and world of warcraft elves mostly. Every time I fall in love I hope that person is him. In spirit, of course. That even if he wouldn't remember being an elven prince in a past life, I would still somehow recognise them as him. Or her, cause you never really know with reincarnations now do you? They screwed it up in my case, so why shouldn't it be possible the same thing happened to him?
I wonder who I am and where I belong in this world, if not in my love's arms, the only place I want to be, the only place where I can't be. Cause even when I doubt, I can never really stop believing and hoping. My dreams are my life. But my life... is a nightmare.
Also thinking about my demon form. That I miss what I looked like, that it feels like an emotional amputation of sorts. Sometimes I think maybe this life has changed me too much, that I'm not the demon I once was anymore. I hope that isn't true. Cause if it is true then I am nothing. Neither demon nor human.
And I'm thinking about Caspian, my dearest from Dala, and that it was because of him I started to get more interested in elves. Tolkien and world of warcraft elves mostly. Every time I fall in love I hope that person is him. In spirit, of course. That even if he wouldn't remember being an elven prince in a past life, I would still somehow recognise them as him. Or her, cause you never really know with reincarnations now do you? They screwed it up in my case, so why shouldn't it be possible the same thing happened to him?
I wonder who I am and where I belong in this world, if not in my love's arms, the only place I want to be, the only place where I can't be. Cause even when I doubt, I can never really stop believing and hoping. My dreams are my life. But my life... is a nightmare.
Reasons to live and die
I think I see it now, why my desperate heart just keeps on falling in love and then breaking and falling again before it even had a chance to heal. I live and die for love. As insipid or silly as it might seem, love has always been my reason to stay alive in hard times. But it has also always been my reason to die when I've felt I can't go on any longer. It's like the core of my whole being is centred around that profoundly stupid heart of mine.
My greatest strength is my greatest weakness. And there we have it. Love. As simple yet as overwhelmingly complicated as that. Would I even want it for something else instead? I mean, would I choose to not have this chaotic heart if I could? I don't know. But it's wearing me out, and I think it will be the real reason for my death, eventually.
That of course, isn't just negative in my eyes. I'm ambivalent to death the same way as I'm ambivalent to love. They both have these two in common: loss and home. It's either or, and you can never choose which one it will be.
When love gives me loss I find home in death, and when death means loss to me it's usually when love means home. Of course they can both mean loss, but can they both mean home?
My greatest strength is my greatest weakness. And there we have it. Love. As simple yet as overwhelmingly complicated as that. Would I even want it for something else instead? I mean, would I choose to not have this chaotic heart if I could? I don't know. But it's wearing me out, and I think it will be the real reason for my death, eventually.
That of course, isn't just negative in my eyes. I'm ambivalent to death the same way as I'm ambivalent to love. They both have these two in common: loss and home. It's either or, and you can never choose which one it will be.
When love gives me loss I find home in death, and when death means loss to me it's usually when love means home. Of course they can both mean loss, but can they both mean home?
Racing heart
My paranoia is getting annoying. I just heard something and thought it was mail being dropped into my mailbox, but it wasn't. My heart started racing like hell. The fuck? I can't even open windows cause I'm afraid someone or something will get in, even when I'm sitting here with my eyes and ears open.
I'm trying to keep my nerves together... I can't understand where that sound came from or what it was. It's worrying me. Think of something else. Calm down my jaded heart. Play some more WoW.
I seriously don't know what's up with me today. I have this bitter joy crawling inside me, poisonous and tender. So ambivalent words just can't describe it. Sadness and joy, or guilt and hopefulness, it's both sweet and sour. Better than just sour, but it's one hell of a confusion. I'm wrecking my brain with this unsolvable puzzle...
Cause I'm trying to understand, trying to gather myself, find a proper reaction. Not proper to others, but for myself alone. Cause I honestly don't know if I should laugh or cry. Yet again my heart won't calm down. But yeah, I do feel joy. Like something is coming my way.
At least I hope so, yet it's way too early to tell. But I feel guilty too. I will keep this to myself, and I rightfully should, but I can't help but sharing my emotions concerning it. It's taking up all the space in my mind and heart.
"I look into my eyes
from another place
a scarlet breaking point
out of this maze
Withering in a fading glow
but still they burn
caught up in tragedy
they have so much to learn
A story without an ending
I still believe in this fairytale
what is broken can be mended
it doesn't have to fail
Should have known by now
what cannot work within reason
but I don't regret anything
cause there's always a new season
Ambivalence in this moment
cause it came true my hope
at the expense of
someone else's way to cope"
I'm trying to keep my nerves together... I can't understand where that sound came from or what it was. It's worrying me. Think of something else. Calm down my jaded heart. Play some more WoW.
I seriously don't know what's up with me today. I have this bitter joy crawling inside me, poisonous and tender. So ambivalent words just can't describe it. Sadness and joy, or guilt and hopefulness, it's both sweet and sour. Better than just sour, but it's one hell of a confusion. I'm wrecking my brain with this unsolvable puzzle...
Cause I'm trying to understand, trying to gather myself, find a proper reaction. Not proper to others, but for myself alone. Cause I honestly don't know if I should laugh or cry. Yet again my heart won't calm down. But yeah, I do feel joy. Like something is coming my way.
At least I hope so, yet it's way too early to tell. But I feel guilty too. I will keep this to myself, and I rightfully should, but I can't help but sharing my emotions concerning it. It's taking up all the space in my mind and heart.
"I look into my eyes
from another place
a scarlet breaking point
out of this maze
Withering in a fading glow
but still they burn
caught up in tragedy
they have so much to learn
A story without an ending
I still believe in this fairytale
what is broken can be mended
it doesn't have to fail
Should have known by now
what cannot work within reason
but I don't regret anything
cause there's always a new season
Ambivalence in this moment
cause it came true my hope
at the expense of
someone else's way to cope"
Lucid dreams
I've been lucid dreaming tonight. In the dream I crossed paths with a certain Matthew Grey Gubler, the actor who plays doctor Reid in Criminal Minds. It was the actor that I met, but he was also the character. In the dream I knew him, we were colleagues in the BAU once, but I had quit for personal reasons.
We talked in English to each other, and I correctly remembered his name as well. My sister was very fond of him and jealous of me cause we were friends. I tried my best to be close to him without coming off as a creep, and hold my sister away from him, to give him some space. I don't really know exactly why I decided to follow him around, I guess I just found him interesting, and it was fun speaking English.
I remember telling him that I was sort of studying behavioural science on my own, and that I wanted to get back into the BAU someday. I knew I'm not exactly studying that, but yeah I'm really into behavioural science. I stuck to dreaming about that, thought I might learn something, or I don't know.
It was so long ago I had lucid dreams, and I definitely didn't think I'd be able to do it without having to actually work for it, or how to say it. That usually takes time and practice. Oh well, it was a nice experience anyhow. Think maybe I'll be able to do it again next night? I sure hope so!
Now I'm gonna go earn some gold in WoW and at the same time complete some Loremaster achievements.
We talked in English to each other, and I correctly remembered his name as well. My sister was very fond of him and jealous of me cause we were friends. I tried my best to be close to him without coming off as a creep, and hold my sister away from him, to give him some space. I don't really know exactly why I decided to follow him around, I guess I just found him interesting, and it was fun speaking English.
I remember telling him that I was sort of studying behavioural science on my own, and that I wanted to get back into the BAU someday. I knew I'm not exactly studying that, but yeah I'm really into behavioural science. I stuck to dreaming about that, thought I might learn something, or I don't know.
It was so long ago I had lucid dreams, and I definitely didn't think I'd be able to do it without having to actually work for it, or how to say it. That usually takes time and practice. Oh well, it was a nice experience anyhow. Think maybe I'll be able to do it again next night? I sure hope so!
Now I'm gonna go earn some gold in WoW and at the same time complete some Loremaster achievements.
Monday, 20 January 2014
Crazy stuff
Haha, I just read on Wikipedia that "obsessive love" is considered a mental illness. Oh well, that just makes one more ingredient in the pot, now doesn't it? It also said that it's not real love, just an obsession. Bullshit! It starts with love the way true love is, and then develops into an obsession. You don't just start obsessing about someone for no reason! Besides, no one can tell what someone else is feeling is love or not. Only the heart knows such a thing.
Yeah, Wikipedia is hardly a reliable source, but there's always something interesting written there. But you can soon tell there are no real psychologists who's written all those articles about mental disorders. Mostly it's just weird, halfly fact related opinions and quotes from various books on psychology. References to stories from the 18th century. Like what the fuck?
I wonder if there's a reasons why the words "insanity" and "reality" rhymes? Just something I just thought of. No reason.
I should really go back WoW and finish off that last little itty bit left to level 90. It's about 15% from 89. And then I have a lot of other stuff I wanna do with that character afterwards. Like farming for jewelcrafting to get it up to 600. And getting reputation with a certain faction so that I can buy a recipe for the most expensive mount in the whole game. Well, one of the four most expensive that is.
It's a recipe to make it with jewelcrafting and it's gonna cost me around two hundred thousand (200.000) gold altogether. Only in game money that is, not real money. It's probably gonna take months of hard work to get that blue, flying Sapphire Panther.
First I wanted to make the black one, which of course looks a bit better, but that would be four times as hard and four times as expensive as the blue one. And the blue looks pretty freaking awesome too.
To think, people actually make these and then just sell them off on the auction house! Here I though I was crazy... I mean just to earn two hundred thousand gold is some kind of madness on its own. How on earth am I gonna do that? Dungeons, daily quests and auction house. It's gonna take forever...
Yeah, Wikipedia is hardly a reliable source, but there's always something interesting written there. But you can soon tell there are no real psychologists who's written all those articles about mental disorders. Mostly it's just weird, halfly fact related opinions and quotes from various books on psychology. References to stories from the 18th century. Like what the fuck?
I wonder if there's a reasons why the words "insanity" and "reality" rhymes? Just something I just thought of. No reason.
I should really go back WoW and finish off that last little itty bit left to level 90. It's about 15% from 89. And then I have a lot of other stuff I wanna do with that character afterwards. Like farming for jewelcrafting to get it up to 600. And getting reputation with a certain faction so that I can buy a recipe for the most expensive mount in the whole game. Well, one of the four most expensive that is.
It's a recipe to make it with jewelcrafting and it's gonna cost me around two hundred thousand (200.000) gold altogether. Only in game money that is, not real money. It's probably gonna take months of hard work to get that blue, flying Sapphire Panther.
First I wanted to make the black one, which of course looks a bit better, but that would be four times as hard and four times as expensive as the blue one. And the blue looks pretty freaking awesome too.
To think, people actually make these and then just sell them off on the auction house! Here I though I was crazy... I mean just to earn two hundred thousand gold is some kind of madness on its own. How on earth am I gonna do that? Dungeons, daily quests and auction house. It's gonna take forever...
Another nightly dream
I had this annoying dream tonight. It's obvious to me it reflects my loneliness, that I think relationships are complicated and time consuming and tiring and what not, but still crave for it. In the dream my best friend had a broken foot and was a pain in the ass. Her mother was there too in my dream acting as a neutral character meddling between me and her angsty daughter. I had a boyfriend in the dream, or I think he became my boyfriend at the end at least.
It was a very long dream, you see. At the beginning I was interested in him (he looked like no one I knew, a small black guy around 16-18 years old) and he was more like curious about me. He started to like me more and I fell for him, tried to show it but at the same time he sort of shunned my affection.
Eventually we started to find each other and become more romantically involved after each "scene". But then my parents showed up in the dream and they were even more annoying than my best friend. They didn't like my boyfriend or whatever and thought I wasn't kind enough to my best friend. She was hurt after all.
Ugh... some dreams, huh? They tend to wear me out and I don't get much rest at all in my sleep. Even though I slept for twelve hours tonight. It was more like watching a tv-show from beginning to end at once. Though it felt like I had some sort of control in the dream, but just that everyone else were so annoying.
I hate it when I dream like that. So intense and boringly reality related. Funny thing though, the last thing I remember happening in the dream was that I went to bed and turned off the light. That was at least a perfect ending to it. Like really saying I was done dreaming for tonight.
It was a very long dream, you see. At the beginning I was interested in him (he looked like no one I knew, a small black guy around 16-18 years old) and he was more like curious about me. He started to like me more and I fell for him, tried to show it but at the same time he sort of shunned my affection.
Eventually we started to find each other and become more romantically involved after each "scene". But then my parents showed up in the dream and they were even more annoying than my best friend. They didn't like my boyfriend or whatever and thought I wasn't kind enough to my best friend. She was hurt after all.
Ugh... some dreams, huh? They tend to wear me out and I don't get much rest at all in my sleep. Even though I slept for twelve hours tonight. It was more like watching a tv-show from beginning to end at once. Though it felt like I had some sort of control in the dream, but just that everyone else were so annoying.
I hate it when I dream like that. So intense and boringly reality related. Funny thing though, the last thing I remember happening in the dream was that I went to bed and turned off the light. That was at least a perfect ending to it. Like really saying I was done dreaming for tonight.
Sunday, 19 January 2014
Lonely or just alone
I've gone sad again. The wind outside froze me cold despite the thick, fluffy jacket I wore. It was as if the wind just blew right through. I never wanna go outside again. Have I become such a loner? But walking to the grocery store only because you have to, on a lonely Sunday evening, isn't the most enjoyable thing one can do. Alas, I never enjoy going anywhere these days. And I feel guilty because of it. That there's nothing I look forward to do on this gods forsaken island.
That's how I feel about it all, that nothing is worth my time and effort. One I can always give out freely, the other not so much. Maybe I'll still force myself to go to places I'm expected to enjoy, and maybe I'll even pretend to enjoy it. I don't longer believe in that "fake it til' you make it" but yet I do fake. To not worry others, to not let them see me wither away in my almost total loneliness.
Maybe Aesthetic Perfection can keep me awake a few more hours, don't think I can take any more caffeine today. Been awake long enough for just one day already anyway. Don't even remember when I went up yesterday. Just wanted to stay up long enough to get some order in that messy circadian rhythm.
I try, I really do, but sometimes I fail and sleep until late afternoon. And I have to start allover again. I have to accept my mistakes, and I do. I accept them more than anybody else does.
That's how I feel about it all, that nothing is worth my time and effort. One I can always give out freely, the other not so much. Maybe I'll still force myself to go to places I'm expected to enjoy, and maybe I'll even pretend to enjoy it. I don't longer believe in that "fake it til' you make it" but yet I do fake. To not worry others, to not let them see me wither away in my almost total loneliness.
Maybe Aesthetic Perfection can keep me awake a few more hours, don't think I can take any more caffeine today. Been awake long enough for just one day already anyway. Don't even remember when I went up yesterday. Just wanted to stay up long enough to get some order in that messy circadian rhythm.
I try, I really do, but sometimes I fail and sleep until late afternoon. And I have to start allover again. I have to accept my mistakes, and I do. I accept them more than anybody else does.
Impossibly possible
I love my paradoxes sometimes. How they overlap and extinct each other. Like red and green just becomes brown, but sometimes brown can become red and green separately. Figuratively. Did you know that once I was told that you can't mix colours to create a primary colour, and that I said fuck that and with purple and green I got red. Not a very clear red, but it was a shade of red. Like a matte scarlet shade. Perhaps that is a fake memory, a delusion (I was ten, how schizo could I have been?) or my magic powers (okay, maybe I was a bit schizo already then...)
Ah, I really don't understand sometimes. Or I just can't explain, those magic powers. How can they be, and how come no one believes me even when it's right in front of their eyes? My hair is supposed to be light/medium brown, unchangeable, but now it's dark brown naturally. Just look at my eyebrows, I haven't dyed them since the summer! And my eyes, they turned green over night. I created a primary colour from two secondary, which is supposed to be impossible.
Maybe that's it. It is impossible. Period. Even if it actually happens, no one will believe it. That's how you humans work, you don't believe in anything unless you are the one experiencing it, no matter what that is. I don't work the way you do, I believe there's a possibility for absolutely everything to exist. I don't need proof, I don't need first hand experiences. Maybe it's not me who is crazy, maybe it's just humans that are too dumb to stop pretending to be blind and deaf.
This is, and has been hard for me. My whole life I have never known what is real or not. What actually happened or not. I think the breaking point between my past life and this, along with bullying and abuse, made me Schizophrenic at a very young age.
I was a very private person as a child, and I hid all of my rather severe mental problems. I was already then, in my soul, old enough to understand that it was not something you talk about. I really went out of my way to hide the fact that I heard voices and practised magic in the living room at home when everyone was asleep. I didn't tell people about my odd experiences, maybe just my parents, but they don't even believe in mental illness. They just see it as we are all different.
I only see the world through my own, rather impaired eyes. What should I compare with? How can I possibly know what reality is? Is it like a boring dream with less time jumps, or more like a hollywood movie with less drama? Or am I fishing again?
I know "regular" people usually don't experience previously mentioned stuff, but what about all the rest? There are too many gaps to fill, too much chaos I cannot define. I mean I don't even know what psychotic means! I've read so much about it, but I still can't understand. I think that is because I'm already in it. A light form of a permanent psychosis. So deeply embedded delusions that more or less have come to define the person that I am today. And that's why it's so difficult, so painful, to look beyond it. Cause what is left? Is there anything left?
I think I've built everything on what actually isn't real. All of my beliefs, my hopes, dreams, goals, wishes, fate, everything. Goddamn hard it is to get off this chair and go to the store today...
Ah, I really don't understand sometimes. Or I just can't explain, those magic powers. How can they be, and how come no one believes me even when it's right in front of their eyes? My hair is supposed to be light/medium brown, unchangeable, but now it's dark brown naturally. Just look at my eyebrows, I haven't dyed them since the summer! And my eyes, they turned green over night. I created a primary colour from two secondary, which is supposed to be impossible.
Maybe that's it. It is impossible. Period. Even if it actually happens, no one will believe it. That's how you humans work, you don't believe in anything unless you are the one experiencing it, no matter what that is. I don't work the way you do, I believe there's a possibility for absolutely everything to exist. I don't need proof, I don't need first hand experiences. Maybe it's not me who is crazy, maybe it's just humans that are too dumb to stop pretending to be blind and deaf.
This is, and has been hard for me. My whole life I have never known what is real or not. What actually happened or not. I think the breaking point between my past life and this, along with bullying and abuse, made me Schizophrenic at a very young age.
I was a very private person as a child, and I hid all of my rather severe mental problems. I was already then, in my soul, old enough to understand that it was not something you talk about. I really went out of my way to hide the fact that I heard voices and practised magic in the living room at home when everyone was asleep. I didn't tell people about my odd experiences, maybe just my parents, but they don't even believe in mental illness. They just see it as we are all different.
I only see the world through my own, rather impaired eyes. What should I compare with? How can I possibly know what reality is? Is it like a boring dream with less time jumps, or more like a hollywood movie with less drama? Or am I fishing again?
I know "regular" people usually don't experience previously mentioned stuff, but what about all the rest? There are too many gaps to fill, too much chaos I cannot define. I mean I don't even know what psychotic means! I've read so much about it, but I still can't understand. I think that is because I'm already in it. A light form of a permanent psychosis. So deeply embedded delusions that more or less have come to define the person that I am today. And that's why it's so difficult, so painful, to look beyond it. Cause what is left? Is there anything left?
I think I've built everything on what actually isn't real. All of my beliefs, my hopes, dreams, goals, wishes, fate, everything. Goddamn hard it is to get off this chair and go to the store today...
What I want to tell you, my love
I finally found the lyrics to the song "Kola lake vellari". Some of it translates:
(armaan tumhaare liye kitne dil ne kaise karun main baiyaan):
how should I tell you that how many times my heart has desired you
(zindagi tu, ashiqui tu):
you are my life, you are my love
(dilkashi tu hai):
dilkash: it means what your heart loves, or what your heart finds as beautiful
I just knew it was something like that, and I wasn't completely off. I don't even know in what language it is, but I think it's Hindi. Think I'll cry some more now...
It's getting hard concentrating on the game. The quests are getting boring and my mind starts to wander. Then I have to write it down, have another cigarette, take a leak or get another drink from the fridge. Another good thing about this diet is that I never have stand by the fridge and stare in it to find something to eat. Something that I hate a little less than the rest, and not finding any. Rather starve than eat that crap, sort of thing you know.
My love hasn't been online for a couple of days and I'm starting to get worried again, anxious, sad and more lonely. I miss him. I miss him more when he's not online. It feels like Östersjön between Gotland and the main country is getting bigger every day. But that's not possible, right?
"If you read this, you probably don't know that it's you, but I have a sensation that you do. If you don't wanna tell me, that's okay. I probably wouldn't if I was in your situation either. I just wanna tell you that you're the most handsome, beautiful person I've ever met. The most compassionate, creative, lovable. You're so perfect it can't be true, and I have never loved anyone else the way I love you.
Not even Tomb, not Robin, not even my closest friends and family members, even though that's a different kind of love. You've changed me, cause I've never before thought I'd say that about anyone. I know that you love your girlfriend and I respect that, and as painful as it is, I like her too. Not that way, of course. I could never love anyone else the way I love you.
If I come off as a creep, I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do with myself. How to act, how to be. I wanna show you my love without telling you. It's hard to do that over the internet. I wanna be your best friend, someone you can always trust, because you really can. I will always be loyal to you.
It's not your fault that I give up on life, it's entirely my own, never blame yourself for being so amazing you made me fall in love with you. It's just that my heart does its own thing and my brain doesn't know how to react and reason. I've never blamed you, how could I?
I wish I could tell you this in person, but I'm too scared to. Besides, I think it would make us both a bit uncomfortable, and maybe you'd even run for your life from this creepy stalker always obsessing about you. I won't step too close to you, won't invade your privacy unless you let me in. I will keep dreaming, hoping and waiting for as long as I possibly can. Patiently and impatiently, waiting for your move. Because it's not my move to make, not as of now. I just don't wanna ruin our friendship, the most precious thing I have. Cause we are friends, aren't we?
There's so much I want to tell you, all these thoughts and feeling raging tirelessly. Things I've never written here, things only you should know. I think that's it. Keep being your awesome self!"
(armaan tumhaare liye kitne dil ne kaise karun main baiyaan):
how should I tell you that how many times my heart has desired you
(zindagi tu, ashiqui tu):
you are my life, you are my love
(dilkashi tu hai):
dilkash: it means what your heart loves, or what your heart finds as beautiful
I just knew it was something like that, and I wasn't completely off. I don't even know in what language it is, but I think it's Hindi. Think I'll cry some more now...
It's getting hard concentrating on the game. The quests are getting boring and my mind starts to wander. Then I have to write it down, have another cigarette, take a leak or get another drink from the fridge. Another good thing about this diet is that I never have stand by the fridge and stare in it to find something to eat. Something that I hate a little less than the rest, and not finding any. Rather starve than eat that crap, sort of thing you know.
My love hasn't been online for a couple of days and I'm starting to get worried again, anxious, sad and more lonely. I miss him. I miss him more when he's not online. It feels like Östersjön between Gotland and the main country is getting bigger every day. But that's not possible, right?
"If you read this, you probably don't know that it's you, but I have a sensation that you do. If you don't wanna tell me, that's okay. I probably wouldn't if I was in your situation either. I just wanna tell you that you're the most handsome, beautiful person I've ever met. The most compassionate, creative, lovable. You're so perfect it can't be true, and I have never loved anyone else the way I love you.
Not even Tomb, not Robin, not even my closest friends and family members, even though that's a different kind of love. You've changed me, cause I've never before thought I'd say that about anyone. I know that you love your girlfriend and I respect that, and as painful as it is, I like her too. Not that way, of course. I could never love anyone else the way I love you.
If I come off as a creep, I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do with myself. How to act, how to be. I wanna show you my love without telling you. It's hard to do that over the internet. I wanna be your best friend, someone you can always trust, because you really can. I will always be loyal to you.
It's not your fault that I give up on life, it's entirely my own, never blame yourself for being so amazing you made me fall in love with you. It's just that my heart does its own thing and my brain doesn't know how to react and reason. I've never blamed you, how could I?
I wish I could tell you this in person, but I'm too scared to. Besides, I think it would make us both a bit uncomfortable, and maybe you'd even run for your life from this creepy stalker always obsessing about you. I won't step too close to you, won't invade your privacy unless you let me in. I will keep dreaming, hoping and waiting for as long as I possibly can. Patiently and impatiently, waiting for your move. Because it's not my move to make, not as of now. I just don't wanna ruin our friendship, the most precious thing I have. Cause we are friends, aren't we?
There's so much I want to tell you, all these thoughts and feeling raging tirelessly. Things I've never written here, things only you should know. I think that's it. Keep being your awesome self!"
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Just an update
It's going better in the Pandaria zones now. Perhaps my priest spells are stronger than the druid spells, perhaps having a magix shield is helping as well. Perhaps I'm generally better at playing a priest. I don't know, but it's definitely a relief that it's going smooth now.
I bleached my hair again, up by the roots this time, since I thought I'd skip it the first time around, since I didn't expect such a good result as I got. So now my whole hair has been bleached, but in two rounds. And now I have to wait... There will be a lot of braiding, brushing and balming before I continue abusing my hair. Maybe I should start taking Silica again? Special remedy in the form of pills, that makes hair and nails stronger.
I figured out why I can't save any money for tattoos. I get around eight thousand a month after taxes, and five of those goes to rent. Then it's only three left, which all goes to food and cigarettes. It's not a penny left for anything. Oh, well.
Now I've reached level 87! I honestly didn't think I'd make it tonight. Then to 88 or 89 tomorrow and then to 90 the day after tomorrow. Hopefully things continue to go this smooth. That's enough for today.
I bleached my hair again, up by the roots this time, since I thought I'd skip it the first time around, since I didn't expect such a good result as I got. So now my whole hair has been bleached, but in two rounds. And now I have to wait... There will be a lot of braiding, brushing and balming before I continue abusing my hair. Maybe I should start taking Silica again? Special remedy in the form of pills, that makes hair and nails stronger.
I figured out why I can't save any money for tattoos. I get around eight thousand a month after taxes, and five of those goes to rent. Then it's only three left, which all goes to food and cigarettes. It's not a penny left for anything. Oh, well.
Now I've reached level 87! I honestly didn't think I'd make it tonight. Then to 88 or 89 tomorrow and then to 90 the day after tomorrow. Hopefully things continue to go this smooth. That's enough for today.
Friday, 17 January 2014
What we live on
I have never heard of the English word "agape" before. Apparently
it's some form of love. I find it a beautiful word. Think I'll keep it. I
have collected quite a few words now that I find extra appealing. Some
are ordinary while others are not: sovereign, downtrodden, fanciful,
hindsight, seep, sift, solace, insipid, disdain, whimsical, livid,
sobriety, murmuring, reminiscent, limerence, tarnished, delirium, gash,
laceration, suicide, mere, linger, gloom, wolfs-bane, slender, lithe,
ardour and now agape.
I think I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not just wasting time, that I actually do live a little. That it's not just "nothing" that I'm doing in my timeless loneliness. Time is all I have. I have 24 hours every day to find something I want to do and do it. There's no pressure, no deadlines, no demands but my own.
Well, I am sort of retired, and you know how most old people who's stopped working spend their days. They too have all the time in the world to just do whatever they find is meaningful to them. Of course, it's never literally "all the time in the world". Retired elders might not have a long time ahead of them because of their age, and I don't have all the time because I'm a mess with an expiration date.
Many people seem to think I want to have a job like everyone else, but the truth is that I don't. I'm not saying I wanna live on social welfare for the rest of my life, I'm just saying that the expected way of living is kinda repulsive to me. I'm a rebel, not because I want to, but because there is no other way.
It could be nice to have a part time job, something simple and creative without a lot of pressure on me, while still getting paid for all the time that I don't work. Like part time retired and part time working, if you get what I mean. But the thing is that I'm very, very picky about what kind of work I could do. First of all, all the service professions are out of the question. So are dirty jobs like cleaning or construction.
And then there's that it's not so much that I can handle mentally. When I get put into pressure, however small or little, my mind goes into overdrive and basically all of my mental problems exceed beyond reason.
Worst is the combination of extreme headache, panic attacks, dissociation, delusions and voices talking so loud that I can't hear what anyone else says. You wouldn't want me at a "normal" workplace. I get severe stress symptoms close to psychosis in a matter of minutes, no matter how medicated I am.
Oh, well. Work is overrated. Besides, I do spot quite some ambivalence among those people promoting working for money. They say it's important and meaningful to them and what not. But then there is this Monday-hate and Friday-love, which totally makes me wonder what's so fantastic about working five days a week, if you just wanna get back home again.
I could never do that, force myself to a workplace where I don't find the work I do meaningful or rewarding in some other way than pay-checks. In a way that really says something about how high I value my life. That I'm not willing to waste it on a boring day to day job, just because I "have to" or that it's expected from me. That it has to be meaningful if not entertaining, something that can make me grow as a person.
Another thing is that despite the fact that I'm scared I'm gonna kill myself in the sort of near future, I don't want to rush into things. Even if I don't have enough time to get a job like that before I kill myself, at least I don't wanna waste the little time I got left on a shit job. I'd rather be living on social welfare with minimum wage for the rest of my tragically short life. Because it's really not that bad.
I think I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not just wasting time, that I actually do live a little. That it's not just "nothing" that I'm doing in my timeless loneliness. Time is all I have. I have 24 hours every day to find something I want to do and do it. There's no pressure, no deadlines, no demands but my own.
Well, I am sort of retired, and you know how most old people who's stopped working spend their days. They too have all the time in the world to just do whatever they find is meaningful to them. Of course, it's never literally "all the time in the world". Retired elders might not have a long time ahead of them because of their age, and I don't have all the time because I'm a mess with an expiration date.
Many people seem to think I want to have a job like everyone else, but the truth is that I don't. I'm not saying I wanna live on social welfare for the rest of my life, I'm just saying that the expected way of living is kinda repulsive to me. I'm a rebel, not because I want to, but because there is no other way.
It could be nice to have a part time job, something simple and creative without a lot of pressure on me, while still getting paid for all the time that I don't work. Like part time retired and part time working, if you get what I mean. But the thing is that I'm very, very picky about what kind of work I could do. First of all, all the service professions are out of the question. So are dirty jobs like cleaning or construction.
And then there's that it's not so much that I can handle mentally. When I get put into pressure, however small or little, my mind goes into overdrive and basically all of my mental problems exceed beyond reason.
Worst is the combination of extreme headache, panic attacks, dissociation, delusions and voices talking so loud that I can't hear what anyone else says. You wouldn't want me at a "normal" workplace. I get severe stress symptoms close to psychosis in a matter of minutes, no matter how medicated I am.
Oh, well. Work is overrated. Besides, I do spot quite some ambivalence among those people promoting working for money. They say it's important and meaningful to them and what not. But then there is this Monday-hate and Friday-love, which totally makes me wonder what's so fantastic about working five days a week, if you just wanna get back home again.
I could never do that, force myself to a workplace where I don't find the work I do meaningful or rewarding in some other way than pay-checks. In a way that really says something about how high I value my life. That I'm not willing to waste it on a boring day to day job, just because I "have to" or that it's expected from me. That it has to be meaningful if not entertaining, something that can make me grow as a person.
Another thing is that despite the fact that I'm scared I'm gonna kill myself in the sort of near future, I don't want to rush into things. Even if I don't have enough time to get a job like that before I kill myself, at least I don't wanna waste the little time I got left on a shit job. I'd rather be living on social welfare with minimum wage for the rest of my tragically short life. Because it's really not that bad.
Everything for you
Still drawing his picture over and over, as if I'll get it right this time. But I can't rightfully portray such beauty. Don't just make copies of his photos, but try to draw him the way I see him. That is even harder.
Can't stop thinking about my love again. It comes and goes. Usually about three times a day, and ten times a night. I even think about him in my sleep, when I eat, play WoW, listen to music that I know he also likes, when I choose which clothes to put on, light up a new cigarette or when I open a new bottle of Jäger. Almost everything I do remind me of him.
When love becomes an obsession, is it passion or madness? To fall so completely head over heals that you literally can't stay away, can't stop thinking about them, need their picture close to you all the time, find meaning in everything they say and you're constantly looking for signs of that they like you too. You'll do anything for them, die for them, give them all that you have and more.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without him, but I've never even lived with him. A part of me still can't understand how it's possible to fall so hard for someone who's never showed you any affection. A friend, an acquaintance that you don't know that well - suddenly takes up all the space in your heart and soul. All I ever want is to be with him.
Still I want to believe that a love this strong and intense can be beautiful, if only directed to someone who feels the same way back. I would give everything to experience requited love like that. I don't think I can ever let go of him now. He's in my heart forever and he's so perfect it can't be true. He doesn't deserve me.
Can't stop thinking about my love again. It comes and goes. Usually about three times a day, and ten times a night. I even think about him in my sleep, when I eat, play WoW, listen to music that I know he also likes, when I choose which clothes to put on, light up a new cigarette or when I open a new bottle of Jäger. Almost everything I do remind me of him.
When love becomes an obsession, is it passion or madness? To fall so completely head over heals that you literally can't stay away, can't stop thinking about them, need their picture close to you all the time, find meaning in everything they say and you're constantly looking for signs of that they like you too. You'll do anything for them, die for them, give them all that you have and more.
The thing is, I don't know if I can live without him, but I've never even lived with him. A part of me still can't understand how it's possible to fall so hard for someone who's never showed you any affection. A friend, an acquaintance that you don't know that well - suddenly takes up all the space in your heart and soul. All I ever want is to be with him.
Still I want to believe that a love this strong and intense can be beautiful, if only directed to someone who feels the same way back. I would give everything to experience requited love like that. I don't think I can ever let go of him now. He's in my heart forever and he's so perfect it can't be true. He doesn't deserve me.
What I'm trying to survive
Starting to get more tired now, feeling as though I can never fully rest. All there is now is worry, nightmares, anxiety, sadness and self harm. What my lonely days and nights stand on, balancing on this rumbling foundation. Sleep and food come second, if even that. To me, survival is much more than just that, it's about surviving my own mind.
Cause no matter what you believe, the mind controls everything. It controls what you eat, when you sleep, everything you actively do, think and feel. If you have no control over your mind, you have no control over your life.
I'll try whatever means possible, and I have tried every means possible. Good, bad and those somewhere in between. Everything from music or walking, to coffee or drugs and all the other things I can't remember right now. The list is endless.
One good thing about me being suicidal and all, is that I feel as though I have nothing to lose. I can try those stupid but probably good advices and tips that will most likely only make things worse or become a disappointment, cause it doesn't matter if I fail.
I told my shrink, when I saw her yesterday, about this ticking bomb inside me. Figuratively, the "bomb" that I believe is waiting to explode, yet doing the best it can to prevent it from doing so. This lovesickness that tears me apart. I told her that I want it to explode, so that I won't have to be in this painful state anymore. When she asked me what I thought would happen if I'll let it release, I was honest and said "I'll probably die", implying suicide.
So there it is, I'd rather die than keep going on like this. But there is a part of me that thinks it's possible I could survive it when this chaos inside me breaks out and becomes real. This is the sort of survival I'm talking about, all this chaos that is controlling me like a puppet. The chaos that I know will break me beyond repair one day.
Keeping it locked in is a way of surviving, like a sort of self defence when faced with something you cannot fight. I feel a bit like my WoW character fighting that boss yesterday, only healing and trying to stay alive for as long as possible without actually standing a chance against its attacks. Just like him I'm desperately trying to heal myself while life is beating the crap out of me, unable to strike back. And I think I'm running out of mana (the power resource needed for casting healing and other spells), as another WoW reference.
I don't know if I'm even close to fall apart, it could be days, or weeks, even months or worst case scenario it could be fucking years. But I feel it somehow, that I'm running out of power resources. I'm tired in my heart and soul, tired in mind and body. All of my four entities are worn out tired of living like this. I'm always given more than I can handle...
It's not even living, I'm not actually alive, am I? More like a suicidal wreck unable to cope with even the simplest things, just barely holding on. Clutching at the last remaining hopes, but they're slipping away. They are unreasonable, too far away, too perfect. I aim too high and fall too hard.
And all the time it intensifies, grows stronger and more powerful, as if some higher power wants me to suffer. I don't know what to do, I've never known how to handle myself in a crisis. I break apart and do everything I can to escape it, running away for the sake of my life. But suicide has always been my last resort.
Cause no matter what you believe, the mind controls everything. It controls what you eat, when you sleep, everything you actively do, think and feel. If you have no control over your mind, you have no control over your life.
I'll try whatever means possible, and I have tried every means possible. Good, bad and those somewhere in between. Everything from music or walking, to coffee or drugs and all the other things I can't remember right now. The list is endless.
One good thing about me being suicidal and all, is that I feel as though I have nothing to lose. I can try those stupid but probably good advices and tips that will most likely only make things worse or become a disappointment, cause it doesn't matter if I fail.
I told my shrink, when I saw her yesterday, about this ticking bomb inside me. Figuratively, the "bomb" that I believe is waiting to explode, yet doing the best it can to prevent it from doing so. This lovesickness that tears me apart. I told her that I want it to explode, so that I won't have to be in this painful state anymore. When she asked me what I thought would happen if I'll let it release, I was honest and said "I'll probably die", implying suicide.
So there it is, I'd rather die than keep going on like this. But there is a part of me that thinks it's possible I could survive it when this chaos inside me breaks out and becomes real. This is the sort of survival I'm talking about, all this chaos that is controlling me like a puppet. The chaos that I know will break me beyond repair one day.
Keeping it locked in is a way of surviving, like a sort of self defence when faced with something you cannot fight. I feel a bit like my WoW character fighting that boss yesterday, only healing and trying to stay alive for as long as possible without actually standing a chance against its attacks. Just like him I'm desperately trying to heal myself while life is beating the crap out of me, unable to strike back. And I think I'm running out of mana (the power resource needed for casting healing and other spells), as another WoW reference.
I don't know if I'm even close to fall apart, it could be days, or weeks, even months or worst case scenario it could be fucking years. But I feel it somehow, that I'm running out of power resources. I'm tired in my heart and soul, tired in mind and body. All of my four entities are worn out tired of living like this. I'm always given more than I can handle...
It's not even living, I'm not actually alive, am I? More like a suicidal wreck unable to cope with even the simplest things, just barely holding on. Clutching at the last remaining hopes, but they're slipping away. They are unreasonable, too far away, too perfect. I aim too high and fall too hard.
And all the time it intensifies, grows stronger and more powerful, as if some higher power wants me to suffer. I don't know what to do, I've never known how to handle myself in a crisis. I break apart and do everything I can to escape it, running away for the sake of my life. But suicide has always been my last resort.
Title
Only three hours of sleep tonight... I'm definitely getting sleep deprived, but right now I feel alright. Tired, head and stomach hurts, but my mind is kinda clear and I don't feel so down mood wise.
The internet is so quiet at this early hour, even though it's basically lunch time and people should be chatting, reblogging, uploading, updating and generally annoying. Oh, well.
Yeah, I'm tired and bored. Not tired enough to sleep, not alert enough to be awake. I'm somewhere between being asleep and awake. More or less constantly though. My mind usually so full of thoughts now appears to be empty. Filling it with music and intense levelling in world of warcraft.
Halfway to level 86 now. Is it too big a goal to reach 87 today? Cause in this speed it's absolutely doable, but it gets harder with each quest, each level and each zone. Though the day has just begun, and I'll be at 86 before the sun starts going down, maybe faster.
I slowly drink my breakfast, three hours after I woke up. I still like the taste, haven't gotten bored with them drinks yet. I wanna keep bleaching my hair, but I know that I should let it rest for a while. After at least two washings. Time wise that is somewhere around a week or two.
I'm impatient! I wanna be blonde now! Holding my horses at the best of my ability... Don't wanna ruin my hair too much. Of course it's gonna get even more damaged after each time I bleach it, but I wanna save as much as possible of it.
The internet is so quiet at this early hour, even though it's basically lunch time and people should be chatting, reblogging, uploading, updating and generally annoying. Oh, well.
Yeah, I'm tired and bored. Not tired enough to sleep, not alert enough to be awake. I'm somewhere between being asleep and awake. More or less constantly though. My mind usually so full of thoughts now appears to be empty. Filling it with music and intense levelling in world of warcraft.
Halfway to level 86 now. Is it too big a goal to reach 87 today? Cause in this speed it's absolutely doable, but it gets harder with each quest, each level and each zone. Though the day has just begun, and I'll be at 86 before the sun starts going down, maybe faster.
I slowly drink my breakfast, three hours after I woke up. I still like the taste, haven't gotten bored with them drinks yet. I wanna keep bleaching my hair, but I know that I should let it rest for a while. After at least two washings. Time wise that is somewhere around a week or two.
I'm impatient! I wanna be blonde now! Holding my horses at the best of my ability... Don't wanna ruin my hair too much. Of course it's gonna get even more damaged after each time I bleach it, but I wanna save as much as possible of it.
Learn to like it
I actually went into a dungeon, but bloody hell I think my heart almost beat its way out of my chest. My hands are still shaking. Not even Zyprexa helped against that panic attack... Neither did the coffee nor the cigarettes. I only took a sip of that Jäger, tasted strange with the coffee.
Listening to Men Without Hats and not getting kicked out of the group for bad behaviour was good though. I failed once and told the group how sorry I was, that I'd never been in that dungeon before. Got no complaints.
The whole group got wiped but it wasn't because of me, the tank stepped in something he shouldn't have done and died. Then died the rest, I last. Probably because I have healing and a nice magic shield that absorbs the damage I take, to an extent of course. I even tried to stay alive while the final boss beat the crap out of my character, while waiting for the others to resurrect. Failed though. You don't survive that long without the tank, I've come to notice.
Damn, it feels like I don't know a shit about this. It's too much to consider and my complete lack of ability to multi-task is getting in the way. I don't know where to stand, when to attack, which spells to use in what order to not be considered a noob by the experts, and so on. I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time.
I wish I could stop being so painfully nervous when I group up for a dungeon... It's just a game for fucks sake! And I don't owe the other group members anything. They're strangers on a packed server that I'll probably never see again and if I do we won't recognise/remember each other. And if I do get kicked from a group for bad behaviour I can just enter a new one and hope it goes better next time. So what's really the harm in being a bit inexperienced and dumb?
I just wish I had friends to play WoW with, so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself with strangers. The anxiety is beyond awful, and the little experience I gained for the trouble was beyond disappointing. Also voice chat would be nice, so I won't have to look in the text field on the screen all the time when I should keep track of the monsters attacking me instead, and stop everything I do for too many seconds to write a message with shaking hands... I believe my English is good enough for me to be able to handle a voice chat with people from other countries, but other Swedes would be the best of course. Either way it's not important.
I just suck at socialising and making friends online. I've only really become friends with one person in WoW, and that was way long ago. I suppose he's even forgotten about me or even stopped playing. An erratic 14 year old guy at that time, from England. That would make him 16 or 17 by now. He thought I was weird, a transsexual guy playing as a female night elf. Oh, well.
I'm slowly winding down now. Don't know if I'll be able to go through another dungeon tonight, but I think I could set it a goal to do one run a day. Get in the feel and get used to it. Learn to not panic over it. And maybe some day I will be able to even enjoy it. Maybe, some day...
Listening to Men Without Hats and not getting kicked out of the group for bad behaviour was good though. I failed once and told the group how sorry I was, that I'd never been in that dungeon before. Got no complaints.
The whole group got wiped but it wasn't because of me, the tank stepped in something he shouldn't have done and died. Then died the rest, I last. Probably because I have healing and a nice magic shield that absorbs the damage I take, to an extent of course. I even tried to stay alive while the final boss beat the crap out of my character, while waiting for the others to resurrect. Failed though. You don't survive that long without the tank, I've come to notice.
Damn, it feels like I don't know a shit about this. It's too much to consider and my complete lack of ability to multi-task is getting in the way. I don't know where to stand, when to attack, which spells to use in what order to not be considered a noob by the experts, and so on. I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time.
I wish I could stop being so painfully nervous when I group up for a dungeon... It's just a game for fucks sake! And I don't owe the other group members anything. They're strangers on a packed server that I'll probably never see again and if I do we won't recognise/remember each other. And if I do get kicked from a group for bad behaviour I can just enter a new one and hope it goes better next time. So what's really the harm in being a bit inexperienced and dumb?
I just wish I had friends to play WoW with, so I wouldn't have to embarrass myself with strangers. The anxiety is beyond awful, and the little experience I gained for the trouble was beyond disappointing. Also voice chat would be nice, so I won't have to look in the text field on the screen all the time when I should keep track of the monsters attacking me instead, and stop everything I do for too many seconds to write a message with shaking hands... I believe my English is good enough for me to be able to handle a voice chat with people from other countries, but other Swedes would be the best of course. Either way it's not important.
I just suck at socialising and making friends online. I've only really become friends with one person in WoW, and that was way long ago. I suppose he's even forgotten about me or even stopped playing. An erratic 14 year old guy at that time, from England. That would make him 16 or 17 by now. He thought I was weird, a transsexual guy playing as a female night elf. Oh, well.
I'm slowly winding down now. Don't know if I'll be able to go through another dungeon tonight, but I think I could set it a goal to do one run a day. Get in the feel and get used to it. Learn to not panic over it. And maybe some day I will be able to even enjoy it. Maybe, some day...
New levels, more anxiety
My obsession with world of warcraft is still ongoing, I will very soon reach level 85 with that same blood elf. (I have 50 various characters of all levels altogether, so I feel it's kinda necessary to mention which one it is that I'm talking about).
Oh my god, I'm in Pandaria now! Mixed feelings indeed. One one side I'm happy to have reached level 85 and moved on to the next step, alas on the other side I'm a little stressed about those rather new zones and remember what it was like when I was there with my Alliance druid. I'm trying to tell myself that it's different now. Now I'm there with a Horde priest and having been there before will be helpful this time around.
I'm about to reach max level with a second character, only have 5 levels left out of 90! Feels awesome, as you can probably tell. But this slight Pandaria-anxiety requires more cigarette smoke and tar in my lungs, and I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while... I'm a bit wound up.
Okay, I've done two quests in Pandaria and I feel sick in my stomach already. I hate it so damn much! Ugh... how am I suppose to stand this!? They made levelling easier they said. My ass. Sure, to level 85 it's a rose garden, but then when I get from there I get bitch slapped so hard I just wanna crawl under the floor and die.
That's it, I'm having shot of Jäger and going into a dungeon. Fuck sobriety! And fuck lying about it too. I've already had two or three drinks this week. I'll try not to fall down in that hell of alcoholism again, but I'm not gonna have a white life just because of my ugly past. Control is overrated!
Oh my god, I'm in Pandaria now! Mixed feelings indeed. One one side I'm happy to have reached level 85 and moved on to the next step, alas on the other side I'm a little stressed about those rather new zones and remember what it was like when I was there with my Alliance druid. I'm trying to tell myself that it's different now. Now I'm there with a Horde priest and having been there before will be helpful this time around.
I'm about to reach max level with a second character, only have 5 levels left out of 90! Feels awesome, as you can probably tell. But this slight Pandaria-anxiety requires more cigarette smoke and tar in my lungs, and I don't think I'll be able to sleep for a while... I'm a bit wound up.
Okay, I've done two quests in Pandaria and I feel sick in my stomach already. I hate it so damn much! Ugh... how am I suppose to stand this!? They made levelling easier they said. My ass. Sure, to level 85 it's a rose garden, but then when I get from there I get bitch slapped so hard I just wanna crawl under the floor and die.
That's it, I'm having shot of Jäger and going into a dungeon. Fuck sobriety! And fuck lying about it too. I've already had two or three drinks this week. I'll try not to fall down in that hell of alcoholism again, but I'm not gonna have a white life just because of my ugly past. Control is overrated!
Thursday, 16 January 2014
The fury within me
I can't deal with this. I just freaked so horribly because my computer decided to have an emergency shut down right when I was writing and playing WoW. Sure these simple note pad programs are handy and easy to use, but if it's lost somehow, it's lost forever. To be honest I don't really know what I lost, nor do I even care about it.
It's just that the way inanimate objects tend to live their own lives drives crazy. And I mean screaming, crying, hitting things, hitting myself, drinking, cutting, cursing kinda crazy. The sort of pure fury no one cant really understand unless you've experienced it yourself. And there is nothing more destructive than that. I somewhat managed to control myself this time though.
Yes, I both screamed and cried and also hit things, but I didn't touch the computer. I didn't know what to do with myself, almost tore off my eyebrow piercing even. It's like that extreme anger is a life force on its own, possessing my body, making me unable to control any of my muscles. It's like a directed spasm, stronger than a fucking orgasm even. It's that overwhelming, but I can't make anyone understand. I'm not me when I get that angry, I become something else.
It's just that the way inanimate objects tend to live their own lives drives crazy. And I mean screaming, crying, hitting things, hitting myself, drinking, cutting, cursing kinda crazy. The sort of pure fury no one cant really understand unless you've experienced it yourself. And there is nothing more destructive than that. I somewhat managed to control myself this time though.
Yes, I both screamed and cried and also hit things, but I didn't touch the computer. I didn't know what to do with myself, almost tore off my eyebrow piercing even. It's like that extreme anger is a life force on its own, possessing my body, making me unable to control any of my muscles. It's like a directed spasm, stronger than a fucking orgasm even. It's that overwhelming, but I can't make anyone understand. I'm not me when I get that angry, I become something else.
I cannot cope at night
Is it gonna be like this every night, or what? I get more sensitive with the darkness, and somehow my loneliness becomes more potent. As of now that is a bad thing. I hate that I'm so fucking sensitive. Toughen up, already! Crying like a little girl, I should be ashamed of myself... but this anxiety is eating at my soul, this sadness is tearing me inside out.
I fear that I might start getting afraid of sleep again. Afraid of dreams and nightmares, of waking up in distress several times a night, of not waking up at all. Afraid of losing control I jump out of bed as soon as I'm awakened by the crew in the morning. Won't allow myself to sleep the day away. I fight to stay up as late as possible and I fight to get up as early as possible. It's a viscous circle.
And this fucking lovesickness. Ripping, tearing, aching, hurting, screaming inside me. I'm out out of words for it, cause I've already explained it a thousand times. A thousand tears each for my inability to cope, for the dream that can't come true, for the painful reality that he'sd taken and lives so far away and why would he even glance in my direction the way I want him to?
A thousand words to describe what I cannot put into words. I'm full of paradoxes and ambivalence, but this is so crude, so through and through. Filling up every space in my heart until no one else matters. No one else and nothing else. I neglect my friends, I neglect my family for an impossible dream, for a guy I cannot have.
I so hoped this was all just temporary, I wish that I would have died from it much sooner. Cause then I wouldn't have to suffer. Isn't that what death is, that you no longer have to suffer? Eight months in this mess, it's like a tangled cobweb I can't get out from, I just keep entangling myself deeper and deeper. And nothing makes any sense anymore.
I don't know who I am, I don't know what sort of life this is I'm trying to live. I live in his shadow. Cautiously following him around every corner, trying to hide my true feelings, always afraid of coming off as either too cold or too creepy.
Aching for his presense, his spoken words in my ear, his gentle touch that I can never have. For him to notice and find out that we have more in common than he realised. My endless thoughts are spinning aimlessly, devoured by too strong emotions, too much of everything that I cannot handle.
I just don't know what the fuck to do. I'm so lost and I feel as though I'm just getting more and more lost every day. I just have to get out of here, just have to get out of here...
I fear that I might start getting afraid of sleep again. Afraid of dreams and nightmares, of waking up in distress several times a night, of not waking up at all. Afraid of losing control I jump out of bed as soon as I'm awakened by the crew in the morning. Won't allow myself to sleep the day away. I fight to stay up as late as possible and I fight to get up as early as possible. It's a viscous circle.
And this fucking lovesickness. Ripping, tearing, aching, hurting, screaming inside me. I'm out out of words for it, cause I've already explained it a thousand times. A thousand tears each for my inability to cope, for the dream that can't come true, for the painful reality that he'sd taken and lives so far away and why would he even glance in my direction the way I want him to?
A thousand words to describe what I cannot put into words. I'm full of paradoxes and ambivalence, but this is so crude, so through and through. Filling up every space in my heart until no one else matters. No one else and nothing else. I neglect my friends, I neglect my family for an impossible dream, for a guy I cannot have.
I so hoped this was all just temporary, I wish that I would have died from it much sooner. Cause then I wouldn't have to suffer. Isn't that what death is, that you no longer have to suffer? Eight months in this mess, it's like a tangled cobweb I can't get out from, I just keep entangling myself deeper and deeper. And nothing makes any sense anymore.
I don't know who I am, I don't know what sort of life this is I'm trying to live. I live in his shadow. Cautiously following him around every corner, trying to hide my true feelings, always afraid of coming off as either too cold or too creepy.
Aching for his presense, his spoken words in my ear, his gentle touch that I can never have. For him to notice and find out that we have more in common than he realised. My endless thoughts are spinning aimlessly, devoured by too strong emotions, too much of everything that I cannot handle.
I just don't know what the fuck to do. I'm so lost and I feel as though I'm just getting more and more lost every day. I just have to get out of here, just have to get out of here...
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Just killing time I guess
Only got 5 hours of sleep tonight as well. Now I'm seriously getting sleep deprived... Yeah, depression seems likely. Cause even though my living habits are uhm, a little odd, it's not usually quite this bad. I go to bed 4 or 5 in the morning, and wake up at 9 or 10. Of course it's connected to my lovesickness as well, they are probably even interlocking, showing the same symptoms. Depression and lovesickness, I mean.
It's getting harder to concentrate on anything I try to do. Gaming, drawing, writing this, the music I'm listening to. I end up just staring into the empty space, watching but not actually seeing. That "watch the walls" thing, you know. In times like these I can sometimes sit and do nothing, just literally staring at a wall and think and feel, for hours at an end. Well, at least if I got cigarettes.
I'm thinking maybe I should do another round of bleaching my hair today, but only on the parts that didn't get bleached at all. Like higher up on my head closer to the roots, and a little here and there where it's still black. Leave the rest of the hair be for at least a week. If I have any bleach left, that is. Two packages it took to cover almost all of my hair. I've got a lot of hair now, being almost waist long and all.
This is gonna be expensive... It will probably, most likely, require at least four rounds. And it takes two packages each time, which becomes eight. They cost around 80 kr each. That is 1600 kr altogether, if not more if it requires more than just four rounds. Perhaps I should have gone to a hair dresser instead? Cause that would probably be just as expensive, if not even cheaper.
It's getting harder to concentrate on anything I try to do. Gaming, drawing, writing this, the music I'm listening to. I end up just staring into the empty space, watching but not actually seeing. That "watch the walls" thing, you know. In times like these I can sometimes sit and do nothing, just literally staring at a wall and think and feel, for hours at an end. Well, at least if I got cigarettes.
I'm thinking maybe I should do another round of bleaching my hair today, but only on the parts that didn't get bleached at all. Like higher up on my head closer to the roots, and a little here and there where it's still black. Leave the rest of the hair be for at least a week. If I have any bleach left, that is. Two packages it took to cover almost all of my hair. I've got a lot of hair now, being almost waist long and all.
This is gonna be expensive... It will probably, most likely, require at least four rounds. And it takes two packages each time, which becomes eight. They cost around 80 kr each. That is 1600 kr altogether, if not more if it requires more than just four rounds. Perhaps I should have gone to a hair dresser instead? Cause that would probably be just as expensive, if not even cheaper.
Fate and reason
I'm so torn apart inside it doesn't resemble anything anymore. I'm cold, sweating and shaking, but my heartbeats are calm. It must be something wrong with my heart to behave that way. It's almost like it has died. Too damaged to know how to react. Or it could just be my medication or something.
I'm in distress with horrible anxiety and overwhelming sadness - taking the edge off it with cigarettes and razors, but I'm so calm. So what good can it do, except for satisfying an endless aching need?
Fuck, I need to stop whining and do something about this, but it's like I can't. The not so sad and desperate music is taunting me. Food disgusts me. Sleep seems so far away. Movies are so shallow and dramatised. Maybe I want to wallow in this haze. The thick, heavy haze like thunder in my lungs.
I'm getting poetic again. Maybe I can make something out of that. Cause that's all it takes. One sentence, and I could write a whole story on that. What is creativity if not that? It's weird that I'm still so creative even though I'm in a terrible state full of anxiety, on antipsychotics and would rather die than live.
My mother called tonight, five or so hours ago, and I told her about the doctor's appointment mishap. I didn't tell her about my suicidal thoughts though, I just couldn't. Though she must know, you must all know, that that is the way it's some day going to end. I'm constantly chased by that outcome, constantly feeling it breathing down my neck, whispering in an ice cold, hollow voice: you have no choice, you know what to do, your fate is sealed.
I'm in distress with horrible anxiety and overwhelming sadness - taking the edge off it with cigarettes and razors, but I'm so calm. So what good can it do, except for satisfying an endless aching need?
Fuck, I need to stop whining and do something about this, but it's like I can't. The not so sad and desperate music is taunting me. Food disgusts me. Sleep seems so far away. Movies are so shallow and dramatised. Maybe I want to wallow in this haze. The thick, heavy haze like thunder in my lungs.
I'm getting poetic again. Maybe I can make something out of that. Cause that's all it takes. One sentence, and I could write a whole story on that. What is creativity if not that? It's weird that I'm still so creative even though I'm in a terrible state full of anxiety, on antipsychotics and would rather die than live.
My mother called tonight, five or so hours ago, and I told her about the doctor's appointment mishap. I didn't tell her about my suicidal thoughts though, I just couldn't. Though she must know, you must all know, that that is the way it's some day going to end. I'm constantly chased by that outcome, constantly feeling it breathing down my neck, whispering in an ice cold, hollow voice: you have no choice, you know what to do, your fate is sealed.
Don't let it kill me
Why is it that as soon as I get the least bit of attention from my love my heart starts hurting like hell? At the same time as I just can't stop smiling. Woah, my head is spinning... Isn't this what I wanted? So why do I feel so wrong?
Because it can't be true. I must be imagining things. I want to believe it, I want to believe it with all that is left of my broken heart. An echo inside me tells me that our friendship is getting deeper, that maybe... No. My dreams are impossible. Why would he ever leave her for me?
There's no way in this hell that could happen, right? They seem so disgustingly happy together, and I've never seen or heard of any signs that said they would ever be close to breaking up. It's hopeless.
For a few days my suicidal thoughts took a break. Perhaps I buried them in the excessive world of warcraft gaming. Perhaps I just denied them. I'm on the edge all the time. There's a ticking bomb inside my heart and soul, just waiting to explode. It's been there, stressing and hurting me for months now. Fucking months!
I just can't hold it, can't keep it together, cause it's eating me alive. But I can't set it free either. I don't control the fuse, don't control time and how long it will take. But I want it to explode, cause I can't deal with this. I'm constantly stressed, like I'm being chased.
I'm paranoid as fuck, as if I was literally being chased. Always looking over my shoulder, keeping doors and windows locked and closed. I'm scared of every sudden movement, scared of my own shadow.
I don't have much time, it feels like I'm running out of time. That whatever is chasing me will eventually catch up, when I'm running out of breath. I don't even wanna think of what will happen, and maybe it's best that way.
Because it can't be true. I must be imagining things. I want to believe it, I want to believe it with all that is left of my broken heart. An echo inside me tells me that our friendship is getting deeper, that maybe... No. My dreams are impossible. Why would he ever leave her for me?
There's no way in this hell that could happen, right? They seem so disgustingly happy together, and I've never seen or heard of any signs that said they would ever be close to breaking up. It's hopeless.
For a few days my suicidal thoughts took a break. Perhaps I buried them in the excessive world of warcraft gaming. Perhaps I just denied them. I'm on the edge all the time. There's a ticking bomb inside my heart and soul, just waiting to explode. It's been there, stressing and hurting me for months now. Fucking months!
I just can't hold it, can't keep it together, cause it's eating me alive. But I can't set it free either. I don't control the fuse, don't control time and how long it will take. But I want it to explode, cause I can't deal with this. I'm constantly stressed, like I'm being chased.
I'm paranoid as fuck, as if I was literally being chased. Always looking over my shoulder, keeping doors and windows locked and closed. I'm scared of every sudden movement, scared of my own shadow.
I don't have much time, it feels like I'm running out of time. That whatever is chasing me will eventually catch up, when I'm running out of breath. I don't even wanna think of what will happen, and maybe it's best that way.
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
All this levelling
Just reached level 77 with my blood elf shadow priest now. The levelling is going good. I still need to save up gold for the next riding skill I was supposed to get at level 70, but I doubt I'll even get it at 80. I'm soon 80! Just three tiny more levels. Gonna stay in Sholazar Basin until 78, and then go to Icecrown and be there until 80, is my plan. Then I'll head off to either Vashj'ir or Mount Hyjal. Haven't decided that yet.
I write up on my calender which dates I reach every fifth level, counting from 60 and up. Just hoping now I won't get tired of him before I reach max level.
Got furious beyond reason and rhyme over a quest in Icecrown (just hit level 78) because without that quest I couldn't go on in that zone. So pissed off I took off to Storm Peaks instead. While there I got angry at another quest and some circumstances around it. I've apparently been playing non stop for four hours. Not so strange that I freak out.
Okay I calmed down after a while, and reached level 79. Really wanna reach 80 today, but it's getting late and I have half a level left. If I stay up the whole night to reach that, does it still count for today? Then sleep four hours and get up and keep playing.
Yes, I'm afraid that I've become slightly obsessed with this nerdy thing. But I'm proud of being a nerd, it is a great thing. Cause to me it means that you're really into something you truly like, and you should never be ashamed of that. It's the definition of passion, which is the greatest feeling one could have.
Yeah, I'm just gonna keep on writing until I'm finished for today. Seems to me kinda pointless to make several entries where I'm just rambling about the same old world of warcraft shit that no one except for maybe other players will read.
So I'm just gonna keep on drinking coffee and diet drinks and smoke all night until I reach last last expansion's max level. Wow, was it really that long ago "Wrath of the Lich King" was released? I really have played this game for a long time... five and a half years now. One of the few (I believe) who has been logged in since vanilla (before the first expansion) and still play.
I'm taking a little break now, need to rest my brain for a few minutes every now and then. The quests in Storm Peaks are almost all complicated and require research and patience. I truly miss levelling in Icecrown... It's dark and beautiful with lots of scourge to kill, creative quests and lots of saronite deposits to mine. Perhaps I can find a spot with a few quests if I just try a little.
I think I'll do that. So tired of Storm Peaks! All the tiring flying and constantly having to look up quests online cause I can't figure them out myself. I just hope Icecrown is what I remember it being. They've changed a little since I was there last time with my troll druid Kamaría, in March last year. Ah, I remember farming for Frostweave cloth there for hours at an end... tedious profession, tailoring is, but also fun. Though I swore to never level it with another character again.
Yes, I had some luck with Icecrown! Feels like home already. Almost there now, level 79 now. Just about 15% left. Then finally some sleep... hopefully. Just a little rest now. Yay! Finally reached level 80! Okay, enough nerdiness for today. Now I'm gonna take a shower and then try to get some sleep.
I write up on my calender which dates I reach every fifth level, counting from 60 and up. Just hoping now I won't get tired of him before I reach max level.
Got furious beyond reason and rhyme over a quest in Icecrown (just hit level 78) because without that quest I couldn't go on in that zone. So pissed off I took off to Storm Peaks instead. While there I got angry at another quest and some circumstances around it. I've apparently been playing non stop for four hours. Not so strange that I freak out.
Okay I calmed down after a while, and reached level 79. Really wanna reach 80 today, but it's getting late and I have half a level left. If I stay up the whole night to reach that, does it still count for today? Then sleep four hours and get up and keep playing.
Yes, I'm afraid that I've become slightly obsessed with this nerdy thing. But I'm proud of being a nerd, it is a great thing. Cause to me it means that you're really into something you truly like, and you should never be ashamed of that. It's the definition of passion, which is the greatest feeling one could have.
Yeah, I'm just gonna keep on writing until I'm finished for today. Seems to me kinda pointless to make several entries where I'm just rambling about the same old world of warcraft shit that no one except for maybe other players will read.
So I'm just gonna keep on drinking coffee and diet drinks and smoke all night until I reach last last expansion's max level. Wow, was it really that long ago "Wrath of the Lich King" was released? I really have played this game for a long time... five and a half years now. One of the few (I believe) who has been logged in since vanilla (before the first expansion) and still play.
I'm taking a little break now, need to rest my brain for a few minutes every now and then. The quests in Storm Peaks are almost all complicated and require research and patience. I truly miss levelling in Icecrown... It's dark and beautiful with lots of scourge to kill, creative quests and lots of saronite deposits to mine. Perhaps I can find a spot with a few quests if I just try a little.
I think I'll do that. So tired of Storm Peaks! All the tiring flying and constantly having to look up quests online cause I can't figure them out myself. I just hope Icecrown is what I remember it being. They've changed a little since I was there last time with my troll druid Kamaría, in March last year. Ah, I remember farming for Frostweave cloth there for hours at an end... tedious profession, tailoring is, but also fun. Though I swore to never level it with another character again.
Yes, I had some luck with Icecrown! Feels like home already. Almost there now, level 79 now. Just about 15% left. Then finally some sleep... hopefully. Just a little rest now. Yay! Finally reached level 80! Okay, enough nerdiness for today. Now I'm gonna take a shower and then try to get some sleep.
I believe in ghosts
I think I'm becoming psychic again. Or more attuned perhaps. I can foretell small things, like with the Spotify queue lists, or things in WoW that are completely randomised (like a roll the dice sort of things). And I know how long time things will take, like a telephone queue that you haven't been told in which order you stand. Also I get these feelings that it's something, rather weird or seemingly pointless, that I "have to" do, and it turns out to have been a very good choice. I don't find it freaky, rather it's thrilling and nice.
One more thing that just "happened". A friend of mine texted me on Facebook and I looked at their profile picture and thought to myself that they should change their profile picture. A couple of hours later they did. Some day I might start seeing ghosts as well, but if I do it's probably time to check myself into an mental hospital. Or try to communicate with them. Lots of Schizophrenics claim to be interacting with ghosts, or spirits...
One more thing that just "happened". A friend of mine texted me on Facebook and I looked at their profile picture and thought to myself that they should change their profile picture. A couple of hours later they did. Some day I might start seeing ghosts as well, but if I do it's probably time to check myself into an mental hospital. Or try to communicate with them. Lots of Schizophrenics claim to be interacting with ghosts, or spirits...
Monday, 13 January 2014
To brighter times
I think I've decided to go for bleaching my hair to platinum blonde. All of it. Cause having different colours at the same time is too much work to maintain, so there will be no more black. I haven't decided exactly which method I'm gonna use, if I'm gonna bleach it all at once or start at the tips/lengths and work my way up.
Since that will be the hard part, I mean. And I don't wanna walk around with blonde roots, yellow fringe and the rest in dark brown... So getting the lengths to a medium/light brown first, and then do the upper part which will reach a lighter tone much faster. That way it will look more even, or less awful in the process, hopefully.
So, maybe I'll be orange by the summer... My plan is to wait a few weeks between every bleaching, to protect my hair as much as I can. I'll probably have to cut it a little though, but we'll see how it turns out. But time, yeah. I'll have to have a lot of patience.
Since that will be the hard part, I mean. And I don't wanna walk around with blonde roots, yellow fringe and the rest in dark brown... So getting the lengths to a medium/light brown first, and then do the upper part which will reach a lighter tone much faster. That way it will look more even, or less awful in the process, hopefully.
So, maybe I'll be orange by the summer... My plan is to wait a few weeks between every bleaching, to protect my hair as much as I can. I'll probably have to cut it a little though, but we'll see how it turns out. But time, yeah. I'll have to have a lot of patience.
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