I want to live

I know now that I want to heal. That even in my darkest moments I fight to stay strong. After every cigarette I breathe the freshest air I can find. And when I feel like I'm drowning or breaking into pieces I reach for medicine, tea, or go for a walk, write it down and focus on breathing. I didn't reach for a drink or the razorblade. I went out, walked to the School and talked to people I once knew there.

I did something good, survived a three hours long anxiety attack and found a way to lift it. I do want to try, and I do want to live, no matter how hard it is. Maybe I'm made to suffer, but in that case I'm also made to live through it. The more hardship I get, the more I will grow as a person. And become who I really am.

I'm not the fucked up child torn apart from the most horrible case of reincarnation - I'm not the chaos of empathy and destruction that I am now - I am who I will be in the last moment of my life. Then I am complete again, and only then I will find peace.

To me that is a comfort, for I have something big to look forward to. A line from Donnie Darko comes to mind: when he says that in the end of the world he will have so much to look forward to. It is at the end of our lives that we become complete, and living is how we get there. I find solace in that thought, that I have so very much to look forward to. In this life and beyond.

And I want to live, I want to explore life and see where it leads me. I won't throw myself off a cliff or confess to the police about ancient crap. I need to move on and live my life on my own terms. That is how I will survive.

I have this utterly amazing clarity right now, it's like I can see everything! The perfect balance of the nature and all of our lives, how everything is connected and how beautiful that is. If I could be like this forever, I would be happy. These moments should be etched in stone and be forever remembered - that once in a while, amidst the chaos, I wake up and see. That it isn't hopeless, that I have many things to live for and I think that for the very first time in my life I know that want to live.

This really is a new era. It feels like I'm going through a complete transformation. I may not recognise myself anymore, but this change doesn't have to be negative. I'm evolving, ascending.

If I was a buddhist, I'd say I will reach nirvana after this life. Cause I don't think I will be reincarnated again, but on one condition: that I don't give up and die before my time.

I believe I can change, and come to appreciate the life I have. I see a future, and it's not filled with tragey and misery. I get by, get done with the sex change and finally will be okay with my body, even liking the way I look. That I write and get noticed and appreciated for what I've written. That I study, not for grades or merits, but for things I really care to learn. Inspiring people, learning about this world and humans. Realising that I don't need to belong anywhere, I can belong everywhere.