Fragmenting

"How can learning be a purpose? It's a preparation, but a preparation for what?" - late night thoughts about the meaning of life, while stumbling across something I needed to hear on youtube. Somehow he tells me that I'm just like those SJW's, but in a different way and with a different target. Or that's what's suddenly clicking in my head. I hold on, desperately, to a community that I've never felt like I belong to, and I try to fight for their rights when most of them don't even agree with me. Is it pointless? I vaguely remember something I thought quite some time ago. I think I was on the balcony to one of my illegally rented apartments in Uppsala when I had that thought. It was something like "I want the whole world to end, and I don't care if it starts with me."

Now it has found its way back to me, like a barely voiced reminder whispering: "you wanted this, you wished for it, then why fight it?" I really should learn to be careful with what I wish for. Like really, it's having devastating effects on my life. What if both God and Satan are both fulfilling my wishes in different and sometimes opposite ways, and it's causing a fucking harrowing mess. I don't dare to believe I'm truly that powerful, it would be insane. And I'm not saying that I do believe that. It's just a thought that hit me, and I don't put any weight on it. I don't see how my blatant, nihilistic, depressive and selfish wishes throughout my life have somehow affected the entire world around me, no matter my origin, and no matter my relationship with either God or Satan. That's absurd. But it also feels eerily absurd that these things happen after I've made those wishes. I think all I'm saying is that I'm probably reading way too much into coincidences, at the same time as fearing I might have some kind of divine power that I really don't want nor could possibly handle the responsibility over. If I couldn't even handle the thought of having the responsibility over one human child, then a whole world...? Almost as frightening as immortality.

It reminds me of how I all the more feel like I'm losing my grip over myself, which that guy in that youtube video talks about too. He does give me the impression of being highly intelligent and quite enlightened too, but I'm starting to wonder cause as time passes more other people seem to become smarter in my eyes as I just seem to become dumber. It feels like my mind is rotting. How I struggle so much more than usually to find words, sentences, anything, to describe my thoughts, feelings and experiences. They fall apart before they even begin. I feel like I'm losing my language and I can't pull it back to myself. Maybe I've been lying and manipulating myself and others too much until I don't know what is true anymore. I feel relieved and empowered by the darkness at the same time as I feel it's breaking me.

I don't have any solutions, as usual. It's 4:30 in the morning so I'll probably continue watching that video later on after I've gotten some sleep. I know that what I did in the quite recent past last year and beginning of this year is and has been affecting me more than I'd like to admit. Not so much on a directly emotional level, but intellectually as well as on a deeper level I don't know exactly what to call. How my nightmares as I sleep seem to be trying to tell me messages that I either forget as I wake up again or refuse to acknowledge, how I feel as though my mind is somehow fragmenting and I jump to odd conclusions and extreme explanations that really don't explain much of anything at all, how I'm grasping at straws but keep falling into the water, and how much hatred is filling up within me these days. I don't know where that hatred comes from, or if it's mainly targeted at myself or the world around me. I wonder if the way back to myself is forward.

But I still hold my belief that something, I don't know what, is trying to keep me from finding my way back to myself the way I was. That I'm supposed to want to enlighten and develop as a person but I object it and I refuse it unless it leads me to where I actually want to be. I'm not really talking about other people wanting for me to want something that I don't want, but this powerful force that may come from within myself or from somewhere in the cosmos for all I know, that is making me suffer from the choices I've made. It feels more like some kind of mental punishment than anything related to what I think or feel. I still don't feel remorse or empathy, but I don't make sense either. I can either keep on going or back down, and I'm probably not gonna do the latter, but I think this means that I'm gonna face more and other forms of resistence than I had first counted on. Not only do I set my own morals which society does not agree with, but apparently nature and my own subconscious don't agree with them either. But can I go against my own mind? Suddenly, the thought of how strong my willpower is gets an entirely new meaning.

Paths to ruin

I had a couple of dreams that were a bit more intense than usually. They were connected, but I got them separately. The first one at night just before I was abruptly awoken by some damn sales-woman calling me on my phone around 11 am (then calling me 3 times more later on as I hung up on her mid sentence), and the second one while I was napping some amount of hours later.

In the first one I was someone else, a random girl I didn't know, and she was tortured by some psycho killer or whatever. Some unknown type of person whom I never actually encountered. However he was poisoning her/me which gave a set of nasty symptoms. First all the teeth would fall out, but it wasn't like they just popped out, no it was much worse. I remember the crunching sound of them breaking in my mouth, the taste of blood, the intense pain and how it was impossible to bite down because of the intense pain and discomfort. There were metal needles sticking out from my gums (about a cm long, sharp) from between where each tooth had once been and I wonder if it was some kind of braces. There were sharp pieces left of some of the teeth that I kept hurting myself on. My entire mouth started swelling up and I was uncontrollably screaming and crying out in horror.

Then I switched to being another person, presumably the actual me, and I was a bystander. The girl was still in the dream, but I wasn't her anymore. Now she was the girlfriend of some random friend of mine. No one I know in reality, just some guy. However, the girl who had lost all her teeth now started to really deteriorate from the poison. She lied down on a dirty mattress in the dark, dirty room we all were in (these kind of gloomy spaces often appear in my dreams as the setting or scene) as she slowly lost conscience and her skin started to blacken in various places. Eventually she didn't move or respond at all, but was still alive. The boyfriend was extremely upset and desperately tried to find solutions and keep her alive, but to no avail.

Somewhere around that point I woke up by that stupid phone call, and I wanted to know what would happen to the girl if I had not been interrupted and kept on dreaming. In the next dream, the girl was around again, but it was my sister this time, and this was now some time after what had happened in the previous dream. Our parents had somehow managed to save her from the poison, and she was recovering. Still fragile, scared and always either upset or apathetic, she was well enough to walk around, eat food again (don't know how without the teeth) and interact with her family. We were all having dinner at one point when I for some reason lashed out on her and attempted to hurt/attack her.

My parents got both angry and scared but they didn't need to stop me, as I quickly realised what I was doing and fled the room and ran out of the house. Slammed the door so hard that the handle fell off on the outside. My parents yelled at me from the kitchen window. They yelled what was I thinking going to attack my sister, as well as telling me that they can't open the door again now, that I was locked out. I was mostly upset cause I had left my cigarettes indoors. Then I woke up from that dream too.

I think it might make sense that the girl in these dreams were supposed to be Anna. I know that all people in one's dreams are always the dreamer him-/ or herself, meaning all people in my dreams are me, but Anna is somehow a part of me, so I do think it's possible that my subconscious can make that distinction too. What strikes me is that yeah, I'm probably gonna hurt Anna more and more in the future, for various reasons, but the thing is that there is no solution to make both of us content and not suffering. In the end, one of us will always be hurt by the other. Or such is my belief. And I'm done sacrificing my own peace for hers. I need it to be reversed, much rather than that.

However, I realise that either way, there will always be conflict and if I hurt her, I subconsciously hurt myself in the process, because we're linked and joined. If I'll drown her, I'll start breathing water too. I've chosen a certain path for this life, that will most likely ruin me in the end. I don't regret anything, but somehow the thought "maybe I shouldn't have" sneaks into my mind from down below in the murky depths of my mind, like a faint whisper.

That's one of those thoughts that are too heavy to hold for too long; that carry too much, too intense meaning; capable of tearing up all the wounds at once in a heartbeat. I have to handle it very carefully. All I've ever seen is paths to ruin, one way or another. I need to keep up keeping myself divided from Anna, and view us as two separate beings. I don't want to become who I should have been had we not split. I resent it like nothing else. I'm scared of what that kind of future would mean. So I can't have us integrating, and that I just know, would be the only way to heal. So ultimately, I'm choosing to discard healing. That's what I mean by "path to ruin" like I'll always carry content and satisfaction in one hand for the choices I've made, but incredible pain and conflict for the consequences of those choices in the other.

More bottom surgery thoughts

So, I just got a surgery consultation booked for May 31st, which is in about 4,5 weeks from now. I'm quite excited for that! Same surgeon as who did my mastectomy 3 years ago, by the way. That does bring me some sense of comfort, because I got a good impression of him, the few times I met him in the past, and I'm very pleased with the result of that operation. However I have no idea how/how well he does bottom surgery as he's not really anywhere to be found online and only practices in Sweden since he moved from Iceland like 10-15 years ago or so. I haven't seen or heard of anyone else who's been operated on by him.

But I'll talk to him, and ask for pictures and what not of his previous patients if he has any/wants to/can provide me with that kind of material. I do know that getting bottom surgery in Sweden is a bit different to how it is in other countries, it seems. Like there are very few surgeons who do it, and finding out information about their procedures isn't so easy, and you can't really just pick and choose which surgeon you want to go for cause of the lack of them in combination with the long waiting to get scheduled for surgery.

I've also seen websites not recommending trans people to get surgery in Sweden cause of "low quality of the results" or whatever. That falls more into the bullshit category of statements though, cause almost every trans person I've met and or talked to here have not been disappointed in their surgery results at all. I don't even know where that statement could have come from. But whatever.

I've been starting to research it a bit more again as of lately. Always having that gnawing feeling that I should be able to find more information if I just dug hard and deep enough. But getting to and past that point of only finding what I already know no matter what I search for, and nothing about what I don't know but want to know. But one more thing that I did find was a book, that I ended up buying off of Amazon about a week ago, and it arrived this Friday. It's called "Hung Jury: Testimonies of genital surgery by transsexual men", was released in 2012 and contains information about both metoidioplasty and phalloplasty (it focuses on surgeries on external genitalia but mentions the other procedures and parts of transition as well), has a chapter about Lou Sullivan who was the first gay ftm to get bottom surgery and he was also an activist for trans rights, mentions briefly Michael Dillon who was the first ftm to get phalloplasty back in 1946; and as the title suggests, has a lot of testimonies of different trans men who's had bottom surgery sharing their thoughts, feelings, past and future in regards to that part of their transitions. Then later in the book than I have gotten so far, it also includes their partners thoughts and feelings about that.

Already a good amount of interesting phrases have hit me on a deeper level. One sentence I even underlined (with graphite pen, of course, not ink). About how people often view genital surgery for trans men by comparing them to cis male anatomy: "And they arbitrarily adopt an idealized view of the appearance and functioning of non-transgender men's genitalia as the only measure of success."

I think that really hit the head on the nail, much in why I think those surgeries are not that bad at all. Cause I don't compare them to an idealized version of cis men's genitalia, but to what they generally actually are like, or even what they only sometimes are like when they're a bit further from "the ideal" than the average. What is an ideal package, anyway? I have asked myself similar questions before. I don't think I even have the same presumed ideal as the majority seem to have. At least when it comes to size and shape.

However, when it comes to function I can say that I do want it as similar to how it is for most cis men as possible (also taking my age and general health into account somehow), without even being remotely close to expecting or demanding that. It is very different when I look at what I would want if I could have anything I wanted - and what I want realistically considering the options that are available. They might not be the same, but they are actually quite similar. However I don't exactly cry rivers over the few details that I want but cannot possibly have.

So far I really like the book (I've gotten about halfway through it). I find it inspirational, thought-provoking, amusing at times, and even tear-jerking every once in a while. Cause not only is it informative, I do relate a lot to the people in the testimonies and how they describe how they felt at those times. And also reading about how how complete and at ease they said they felt afterwards does hit a nerve or two within me. I do come across that word "complete" quite a lot as I read on, and I feel a certain conflict as I don't know how to relate to it in this context.

Sure I want to feel complete, but is it even an obtainable state? I wonder. I tend to prefer using words like "aligned" or "more together" in regards to the distance between my body's biological sex and my mind's gender, and bringing them closer. I even question if they can be brought completely together, if they can get totally aligned. I don't know if that's possible or exactly what that would take to achieve. However I'm actually not overly concerned with being "100%" in that sense. I'm more concerned with decreasing my dysphoria enough to make life less of a struggle when it comes to me being trans.

I don't want to keep hating my own body, its functions and hate being trans so to the point that the hatred runs like poison through my blood, weakening me, every day. I know that a lot of trans guys can live their lives just fine without bottom surgery, but apparently it doesn't work like that for me, as for many others. I've always had very bad dysphoria that's decreased if that aspect of my body has been changed accordingly, and worsened over time if it hasn't been changed.

No I don't have dysphoria over exactly everything gender specific/related about my body. Like I don't care about that my hands and feet are very small, and I like my short stature. However I also have dysphoria about parts that most don't seem to pay much attention to. Like that my neck is so long and thin (I notice having long hair hides that a bit which gives me some comfort and is a big reason for why I don't like having my hair short or tied up in a way that reveals my neck shape), and my jawline and chin which I think are too weak/undefined and feminine but I hide that quite well with my beard. Er, or so I want to believe.

Those things are more like inconveniences than major problems for me though. Like they're not that important and actually rather manageable. At least for now. However my hip and crotch situation are less manageable on my own. Especially the latter. I don't know how to possibly handle my bottom dysphoria without surgery, whether during sex or not during sex, that doesn't involve packers. My issue is that I can't "connect" to a prosthesis because it's not a part of my own anatomy. It feels fake, it feels embarrassing and ridiculous even. Especially during sexual situations (more so with strangers, but also with people I know), like I'm wearing a mask for my junk.

And I disconnect from my own parts, whenever possible. It's not always possible, and those situations are undoubtedly the hardest to cope with. I don't remember when I became aware of the options of bottom surgery, but probably sometime during 2008 or 2009 around the time I re-discovered my gender, came out, looked up transition related stuff online and talked to other trans people for the first time. I don't really remember much of the details of what went on in my life back then, or most times of life, I guess. It's a bit blurry.

But I do remember that I was interested in getting bottom surgery already back then, but it was more of a curiosity, a "maybe later in the future" -kinda thing. Or rather, I was very early into my transition and knew it would be years before I could get such an operation, so I didn't even bother reflecting over it much. But I did reflect over it a little, and already at that time I was far more interested in metoidioplasty than phalloplasty. I did most certainly have negative opinions about phallo, but not like I ever really voiced them, or if I did, I did so very carefully to not speak negatively about anyone who had had that surgery or wanted to have it, or even just considered it.

I often ended up in conversations with others, mostly cis men, about my bottom surgery options in the future, mostly while drunk at various parties, while I still lived in Uppsala. That was usually when other people asked me very personal questions about my transition and me being trans, and I gladly answered them. No one really had a bad or negative reaction to my own thoughts about possibly having bottom surgery in the future, and they seemed to agree with me that meta would be the better option. I especially liked talking about it with cis men because of them being male too and being able to relate to wanting to have a dick, as was different with cis women, obviously.

They could also provide me with a more realistic view of what it's like for them, since I don't have the experience of being a cis guy and what that's really like in how they relate to their own bodies. But I think I've gotten a more clear idea on that since then, at least in theory. I've never felt as if anyone's been trying to talk me into having bottom surgery, whether cis or trans. More like the opposite, if anything. Not exactly, but closer to that, I guess. I mean, I often get told that "it's not necessary" or that I should "be okay with what I have" as if that's just a switch-button that I can click off to change my entire view of my body.

Oh, I really should have that talk with my friend with benefits, at some point soon, by the way. Sure I've told him about my wishes and plans to have surgery, but I think I should be more clear-ish about what it may actually mean when time draws more near the event of the surgery actually happening. I still can't know if it will happen in like a year from now, or maybe even as early as later this year (like fall/winter then), and if it will happen in one, two or more stages. It's kinda important to talk to him about it if we both want to keep having sex. Especially since I will need some time in celibacy during the healing time and what not.

Oh, I've also bought a quite cheap device for pumping, that part of my junk which kinda needs some size, so I plan on starting with that as soon as that device arrives since I bought it online yesterday. I have no expectations for it to work at all in increasing its size, but I just thought it could be worth a try and you never know before you try.

I wonder if I will even go back to smoking again after surgery. It's weird, but as of lately, smoking cigarettes hasn't been enjoyable for me. It's just another need that I have to take care of and it's more of a burden now. The first drag of a new cigarette is usually nice, but then barely halfway though I just want it to be over with. All the time. I never look forward to smoke, unless I'm stressed out or fighting some anxiety, or want to escape from something social. I don't really enjoy the taste or the smell anymore either. I'm at an average of around 10 cigarettes a day now, and it feels like it's 10 times more. I would like to decrease my consumption to about half my daily amount, even way before surgery, but I just never quite get around to it.

Also I'm feeling like crap these days. It feels like a mild migraine, or somewhere between a slight fever and a hungover that is freaking constant and 24/7. I hate the fuck out of it. I'm blaming my medication, and me hassling with that medication, on this. Now I'm paying extra attention to taking it first 100 mg in the morning (around 10-ish am) and then the remaining 100 mg at night (around 10 pm then) cause I think me having taken it both pills at the same time just once a day has made me feel shitty for a while and now it's gotten worse. But if this won't work in about a week or two, I'm scheduling an appointment with my medication doctor to talk about this shit and what can be done about it. I'd consider switching medication, or even medicating this nasty side-effect. Anything, as long as it has the potential to work.

This messes with my work-out plans as well, cause I'm literally not feeling well enough to even pick up a dumbbell, let along keep doing that repeatedly for an hour. And when I finally get a little space in time when I feel almost normal again for a few hours, I need to focus all of that energy on cleaning my apartment and dirty dishes that have been piling up for a good amount of days or even weeks, go grocery shopping or take out the garbage, which does come before working out. Cause I don't want to live in a freaking gross mess. But then I could say exactly the same thing about my body.

However I'm also putting more effort into keeping my newly fixed circadian rhythm (sleeping pattern) at least somewhat in order, taking vitamins, fluid replacements, drink more juice, drink less coffee (seriously can't really get that shit down with all this nausea anyway), eating something every day, stay away from alcohol (cause a hungover on this feels like 10 hangovers piled on top of each other) and trying my damn best to keep the temperature down in here and the amount of oxygen up cause it feels like I'm suffocating. That balcony door is almost always open now, day and night, and although I can't turn the heaters off they are on as low heat as possible. It doesn't get cooler than around 23 degrees in here though.

I'm just fed up with feeling like shit, this "I can't do anything" -feeling that is smothering me from within. I still feel rather well mentally, but physically I feel like a train wreck.