Feeling a bit better again

Already up at 9:44 and feeling better than yesterday. As long as I don't think about it too deeply. I'm glad I could go to sleep even though I felt like crap. Sometimes sleep is the best solution, even if it isn't the answer.

So what am I gonna do today? Except the obvious like playing WoW and keeping myself updated online constantly. I need to go shopping in the shopping centre. Slightly more to north though. For all the things I need. Gonna have to wait until after my next "pay check" before I go hunting for buttons again though. It's just 9 days until then. I'm starting to get broke. I've online shopped for 700 kr and my mother has given me things that I'll have to pay a bit for myself too. I'm smoking more than usually which tends to get more expensive than I think it does. It's so damn expensive to smoke and I spend around 2.000 kr every month on cigarettes.

On the other hand I probably only spend a few hundred on food each month, instead of the one or two thousand most people spend on such stuff. Around 10-15 kr a day would be a rough estimation, counting in that some days I don't eat at all. But enough about economy.

For the first time in over a month I didn't wash my face yesterday before I went to bed. Well, technically it was this morning, but let's not get technical. I thought to myself that "what difference does it make anyway, my face looks just a horrible as it did before I started caring for it".

Gotta find another way, cause apparently the salicylic acid doesn't work on my acne. There is another kind of formula said to work too, but I can't recall what it was called. Well, easy to find the source in which I found out about it through some swift googling.

Even skipped my daily walk yesterday. I wanted a day off from everything including that. Now I'm so out of everything on my shopping list and I feel bad for missing that walk. Gonna go to the gym tomorrow again which makes it my fourth time there.

Now I'm gonna see if my character is still alive and well in WoW. Officially exalted with all the quest hub factions in Pandaria now and since long maxed all four of the primary professions including all six ways of cooking. That was shit ass hard to achieve and took me almost a month. I've maxed out the two secondary professions mining and jewelcrafting which also took me a very long time. All of this has taken over five months since I hit level 90 sometime in January.

I'm running out of things to do, so I keep making the extremily expensive panther mounts. Next up is the black one, which is the most expensive of them all because it requires me to make the other four panthers as material for it. Around a hundred thousand gold, that is. Don't know if I'll make the yellow and green one separately, I'm not so fond of those colours to be honest. I now have the blue and the red ones. Yes, I finally made the red one.

Worked on making the blue one super intensively and it took two weeks. Didn't restrain myself much at all making the red one, which took me two months. So if I'm gonna go for the black one without restraining myself it would take (wait for it...) 8 months. That's insane. It would mean I wouldn't be able to finish it until January next year.

Good luck gold farming... if only I could think of a faster way to earn gold, but I can't, except from farming shitloads of ghost iron ores to sell and questing intensively at all Pandaria quest hubs I can find. Without making too much effort I gain around a thousand gold in one day or less, and if I work my ass off for it, I can get up to four thousand in one day. Then I'll have something to do with my main character from here on. Be right on to that now...

My latest crafting obsession

Continued fixing with my coat today. The one I'm gonna make. It's fair to say it's the biggest tailoring project I've done so far. Four metres of fabric and after cutting out back piece and front pieces I wonder if it's gonna be enough left for the sleeves. If not I better hurry up and go back to the store and see if they have more of it. I'm still not sure if I'm gonna make it as the robe since it's more purple than I initially wanted it to be, or if I'm gonna make it look differently. More goth/victorian/renaissance inspired.
I think that would be awesome too, in that thick deep purple velvet. Yes, I think I'll go for that and then I can be stunningly eye catching when walking around wearing it down town. Ughh, I'm out of energy now. I want to do more, but I'm too tired.

I have as I said, cut out the three pieces that make the body of it, or what to say, and sewn them together. Fits perfectly! So it's like a sleeveless, very long coat with rough edges right now. Then I need to get going with the sleeves, so that I'll know if the fabric is gonna be enough for them.

After that, I'm planning on fixing the front, where the coat closes and the collar, around there and stuff. Find buttons for it. If I'm thinking right it's gonna be a lot of them and they need to match. Preferably in a silver metallic material and a bit fancy.

The fabric won't be enough, on second thought. Not for the collar and sleeve endings and all that as well, since I'm gonna do it in the same colour and stuff. Think I'll do some embroidery on it as well. But lighter or darker? If darker it would be black but since that purple is so dark I wonder if it's gonna show. Silver would be nice too, to match the buttons. How about doing ankh symbols with swirls around them as a repetitive pattern? On the sleeve endings, the collar and down the front. That's gonna be one hell of a project...

Good thing I have a big apartment now. Lots of space to work on. The floor in my living room has become my work area when measuring and cutting the pieces, and then I have my sewing machine in the kitchen. I have no idea when this coat is gonna be done, but probably during the summer or maybe sooner if I keep it up in this pace. It's not gonna be much simpler than the robe I intended at first, but not that hard either. Just time consuming. I'm gonna need a lot of references and probably a lot of patience too.

Sad though, that nice fabric is so expensive. I get why new clothes cost a fortune, cause so does the damn fabric they're made of. This little thingy will probably land on something between 500 and 1000 kr. Though if I could find something like that on the market it wouldn't be cheap then either. Thousands, if I decide to make the embroidery as well. So, it's totally worth making it. Knowing it's gonna be kinda unique and a totally awesome coat to wear.

Something like this:

Or this:

Wake up, society!

I started writing about something else when I came up with this text, so if the beginning here looks a little weird, that is probably why. I'm not even trying to make this text simple and easy to read, you just have to try to tag along with my fairly complicated and just a tad bit too long sentences. You should appreciate it that I for once write from my heart.

I can recite my whole life from my first memory when I was two years old the very first summer I had when me and my parents moved to Alunda in 1991, up until this day. Cause I did, you know, in my autobiography, and it's all there. Or almost all of it, it's not quite finished yet.

The one book I will leave behind me the day I die. Yes, that is my plan. To write it, polish it and finish it, print it out, but leave it here on my desk safe and sound, until that day comes. Cause I will reveal way too much that I don't want anyone to know until I'm not around here anymore. It will also be my final say, my suicide note.

Not to be like that, but that book would most likely make me kinda famous, if I'd be alive to see it or if it get published after my death, or published at all that is. It will be one of a kind, I can assure you. The life of a young man who lived for a whole lifetime and experienced so much, but still somehow managed it. It's tragic, cause I really wanted that book to inspire people who also have a shitty life, a message to them that you can get through life even though you are miserable and have all the reasons to "justify" a suicide. It's tragic, because at the end of the book, I will actually have died from suicide.

I don't want to be famous, you know, at least not for all those stupid reasons today's youth seek fame. But if I would want to to become famous, it would be for that I inspire people to cherish life, seek wisdom and don't give a damn fuck what other people think you should do with your life. To inspire people to not give up on their seemingly impossible dreams even when your loved ones tell you to get real and grow up cause you're supposed to be a "valuable member of society".

Well, let me tell you this: you don't own society anything! You didn't ask to be born, you're not a slave to man made rules, you haven't signed any contract with your own blood. You were born to be you, to make your life valuable to you and no one else, and to survive at the best of your ability.

Now I doubt these words will at all help, and I know there are a lot of people out there who don't agree with me about said words and all of what I will be writing from here on in this entry. It's all about "get an education, grown up, get a job, fold your laundry, grow up, move out and did I mention grow up?!" nowadays. It's sad, it truly is.

I think about slavery. Harsch, perhaps, but that is the way society is going, in case you haven't noticed. Today's youth come off as lazy, despondent and that their lives are practically meaningless unless they take up that mop and clean the damn floors already or they won't get food on their tables. See what I mean?

I realise, cause I'm not that daft, that society is ruled by money and independence above all else. Being dependent is being a burden, living on social welfare is basically stealing other people's tax money, and crashing on your parents sofa until you're 35 isn't very productive - but just hear me out, okay? Complaining about having to abide to society's structured "rules" isn't about being lazy.

I'm walking on that thin line between being mentally disabled and just a lazy brat, but I'm not blind or stupid enough to not realise that I am privileged cause I don't need a job or pay for my own flat. What I want is for everyone, not just young people, to stop shoving it into your own and other peoples faces that you are useless in society. You don't have to be a good citizen for your life to matter.

I'm quite a heavy burden for this society. I live on your tax money, so indirectly it's YOU who pay for my rent, my clothes, food and cigarettes. I can't really afford much else cause the payment I get is minimum wage. I take a lot of prescription drugs, and the state pays for most of it (cause högkostnadsskydd, you know) and the same with almost all of my psychiatric hospital visits. If that wasn't enough I live under LSS as you all know, which means that I have people who have it as their job to do my dishes and help me clean up my mess. Literally.

But do I feel guilty? Hardly. Do you know why? Because it is my right as a member of society to get the help that I need in order to survive. The privilege, is that I'm sick enough to get that help, but others who also suffer might not be, and they die because society won't help them.

People who have had the guts to confront me about my way of living (most just give a friendly pat on my shoulder and tell me not to worry, it's gonna work out in the end for me as well, but I appreciate it when people are honest with me, so don't take this wrong) have asked me what I really want to do with my life. I don't quite understand that question, to be perfectly honest. I'm not halfway anywhere, I'm doing all that I can and sometimes more when I have the strength to. I've survived numerous of suicide attempts, mental torment and a disabling headache for a decade, I can just barely stay above the surface most days, but I still try my best to pursue my long term goals and dreams.

People seem to just assume that I want a job like I'm supposed to. Make my own money the way I'm supposed to. And what if I don't want that? It doesn't matter how damn drunk you are if you ask a person that sort of question, you should fucking respect an honest answer: no I don't, and you can't argue with that. I don't want to work for money, because doing some shit job where someone tells me what to do, just to get a pay check at the end of the month, just isn't my cup of tea.

If I would ever have a job, it would be something that I enjoy. I don't mean a paid full-time vacation, I mean an actual profession that doesn't make you long for Fridays and hate Mondays. Now, I don't technically need a job of any kind, but that's beside the point. It truly is, because the message I want to get out is this: if you can avoid the responsibilities society has handed out for you, fucking do it.

Maybe you don't want to be role model of the year, famous or even the slightest bit of a rebel, but not wanting to be a part of this slavery doesn't make you lazy. That, is what truly makes you an individual. To be able to step aside and take another road to the same goal we are all aiming for: to be happy.

I wish someone could actually listen to me, when I say you don't have to flip burgers in order to survive, there are other options. There truly are. Just open your eyes and see that there is a whole world in front of you.

What we live on

I have never heard of the English word "agape" before. Apparently it's some form of love. I find it a beautiful word. Think I'll keep it. I have collected quite a few words now that I find extra appealing. Some are ordinary while others are not: sovereign, downtrodden, fanciful, hindsight, seep, sift, solace, insipid, disdain, whimsical, livid, sobriety, murmuring, reminiscent, limerence, tarnished, delirium, gash, laceration, suicide, mere, linger, gloom, wolfs-bane, slender, lithe, ardour and now agape.

I think I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm not just wasting time, that I actually do live a little. That it's not just "nothing" that I'm doing in my timeless loneliness. Time is all I have. I have 24 hours every day to find something I want to do and do it. There's no pressure, no deadlines, no demands but my own.

Well, I am sort of retired, and you know how most old people who's stopped working spend their days. They too have all the time in the world to just do whatever they find is meaningful to them. Of course, it's never literally "all the time in the world". Retired elders might not have a long time ahead of them because of their age, and I don't have all the time because I'm a mess with an expiration date.

Many people seem to think I want to have a job like everyone else, but the truth is that I don't. I'm not saying I wanna live on social welfare for the rest of my life, I'm just saying that the expected way of living is kinda repulsive to me. I'm a rebel, not because I want to, but because there is no other way.

It could be nice to have a part time job, something simple and creative without a lot of pressure on me, while still getting paid for all the time that I don't work. Like part time retired and part time working, if you get what I mean. But the thing is that I'm very, very picky about what kind of work I could do. First of all, all the service professions are out of the question. So are dirty jobs like cleaning or construction.

And then there's that it's not so much that I can handle mentally. When I get put into pressure, however small or little, my mind goes into overdrive and basically all of my mental problems exceed beyond reason.

Worst is the combination of extreme headache, panic attacks, dissociation, delusions and voices talking so loud that I can't hear what anyone else says. You wouldn't want me at a "normal" workplace. I get severe stress symptoms close to psychosis in a matter of minutes, no matter how medicated I am.

Oh, well. Work is overrated. Besides, I do spot quite some ambivalence among those people promoting working for money. They say it's important and meaningful to them and what not. But then there is this Monday-hate and Friday-love, which totally makes me wonder what's so fantastic about working five days a week, if you just wanna get back home again.

I could never do that, force myself to a workplace where I don't find the work I do meaningful or rewarding in some other way than pay-checks. In a way that really says something about how high I value my life. That I'm not willing to waste it on a boring day to day job, just because I "have to" or that it's expected from me. That it has to be meaningful if not entertaining, something that can make me grow as a person.

Another thing is that despite the fact that I'm scared I'm gonna kill myself in the sort of near future, I don't want to rush into things. Even if I don't have enough time to get a job like that before I kill myself, at least I don't wanna waste the little time I got left on a shit job. I'd rather be living on social welfare with minimum wage for the rest of my tragically short life. Because it's really not that bad.

Like poetry

I've come to realise as to why I do like rap music sometimes. Yeah, you can hate me all you want, but I am open-minded about music. For real, not poser open-minded. Well, the reason is that it's basically poetry. If you think about it that way, it could almost be a form of art. As long as the lyrics contain something that I can relate to on some level. And surprisingly enough, I actually can relate to a lot of it. When they “sing” about depression, messy love, self harm and various addictions.

Those are common themes in the little rap music I’ve come to appreciate. And on some very small level I am strangely drawn to the street style, maybe because most of the people living by that lifestyle are also broken and fuck ups just trying to get by. They're anarchistic and chaotic like myself.

In clothing I sometimes tend to create a semi original mixture between street and goth. Black baggy pants (usually construction workers pants, you know those made of extra endurable fabric with lots of practical pockets? They are also very cheap, and come in all sizes), huge band t-shirts and black hoodies (either completely black, or with a nice goth/punk inspired print), accessorise with key chains and lots of gothic necklaces. I usually refer to this style as “street goth” or “shabby goth” showing just how fucking poor I am and have to make do with what I can find cheap or second hand. Okay, I’m not trailer trash poor, but I definitely don't have enough cash to buy “real” gothic clothing.

Though I did actually buy a new hoodie at BlueFox when I was in Stockholm in August. A black one with red details and a print of a zombie saying “Zombie apocalypse – they will tear your soul apart” for 500 kr. I’m really careful with what I buy new, it can't be something that I’ll let collect dust somewhere.

For better or worse

I’m down on 68 kg! That was years ago I was this thin! Well, “thin” is a bit of an overstatement. Got into my leather pants, they're a little itty bitty too tight, but I can walk around in them without discomfort. 12 kg down, 8 to go. Ah, I really miss weighing little enough for people to mistake me for being thin. Two “obstacles” I somehow seem to fight: testosterone that is known to cause weight gain (you get more muscle mass) and starvation is said to not make you lose weight (unless you're at it for a really long time, which I suppose I have been now, or well around 4 months. Don't really know if that is considered a long time though.) I'm also very careful about what medications I take, I refuse to take something that has weight gain as a side effect.

They have razorblades at ICA! I can't believe it! A 5-pack, meant for those kind of things you use to scrape of food residue from stoves with glass plate. Not as stylish as the old kinds, but on the other hand thicker and therefor steadier to hold and can take a little pressure. Jeez, I'm really talking about them as if they were tools for some kind of hobby! Ain't that the truth then, huh? I was so nervous buying them, thinking the clerk was gonna ask me what the fuck I’m intending to use them for. I even sort of practiced what I would have said if he did...

On my way home I saw a tarnished bike lying on the ground halfway to the store, by the road. I was thinking of taking it, but was unsure if some crazy lady would run after me screaming that I stole her bike. (It's a woman's bike). So I’m gonna wait a couple of days and then go back to see if it's still there. If it is, I will steal it. Now this is a really small commune, so if I do take the bike I plan to redecorate it a bit, just to make sure its real owner won't find out and let hell break lose.

And I really need a bike, and I’m too poor to buy one (even just a few hundred is too much). So according to my ethics, it's not wrong for me to steal one. Well, I generally don't think theft is wrong, but even less wrong in this case. Stealing something you need is better than stealing something you don't need. I think I started this habit when I was poor for real and had to completely depend on others for money just to survive and not end up on the street. Desperate times calls for desperate means. Sometimes I can't really believe I really was that close to homelessness. And if I had lost my apartment, my stubbornness and stupidity would have told me to still stay in Uppsala, even if it meant living on the streets or selling my ass and everything I owned. Rather than just move in with my parents here on Gotland. Oh, well. Then I got ridiculously rich for about a month and bought lots of things. Försäkringskassan had miscalculated and given me almost 50 thousand...

Now where was I? Yes. I really love having stolen objects, they get these sort of vibes or auras or something that just makes me value them more. And of course because I didn't have to pay for them! No guilt, no remorse, just excitement and a slight touch of joy. *cough* kleptomaniac *cough* Well, not compulsively stealing, just really liking it.

It doesn't happen that often nowadays. I don't visit other people's homes anymore and at School or the psychiatric department of the hospital in Visby, I haven't found much at all worth stealing. Just an eraser, some pencils, some papers loitering in a printer. Nothing really valuable or something that people would miss. They'll just think they misplaced the stuff or something, and I’ve never been confronted about it. Well at least not since I moved here. Kinda harmless in other words, or at least in my point of view. And I never shoplift, it's too damn risky and I’m quite keen on not getting caught. Not cause I think they'd deal out some horrible punishment or something, rather because of the shame of it.

I went a little beauty crazy earlier today as well. Shaved, washed, exfoliated and moisturised my face. It really isn't necessary anymore though, my skin is better than ever for some reason I can't figure out. No acne, no extra oily-ness, over all more even and fresher. Acne scars are healing up and becoming less red, which is about time if you ask me! I will always look a little scarred, but that's not a problem for me. I think that if I had perfect skin I would have cut my face or something to make it less perfect. I’ve always loved scars, anything from neat lacerations to acne to those from burn wounds. Barely noticeable or severe, intentional or from accidents, all is sexy. Now remind me again why I can't get a date, when I'd even consider dating severely scarred people and find them attractive?

Then I took a shower and extra carefully washed and dried my hair. Maybe next time I’ll even take a pair of tweezers and organise my overgrowing semi-mono eyebrows. Do they get fussier on testo? Or maybe it's just that I’ve let them grow wild for the last years. They've always been kinda bushy, much like my father's eyebrows. Hm, that's interesting. Also my mother once rather recently told me that my voice is much like my father's. I’m becoming more like him and less like my mother, appearance-wise. He might not look so attractive nowadays, but he was actually quite handsome when he was in my age. And for some creepy reason I don't find it weird thinking of my father as attractive... okay, not mentioning my relapsing incest ideas. I'm fucked up cause I’ve already tried that. No questions 'bout that, oki? It is illegal, you know.

The construction workers repainting the house are for the moment washing my window. That's nice of them.