It's tearing me apart

I feel horrible. I feel so horrible I don't even know where to begin. Witholding the truth and lying to keep my secrets for months has caused me to have horrible nightmares. The drinking has caused me to hate myself even more, and covering up the drinking... it has been so damn hard. Sneaking bottles of vodka mixed with juice with me to my parents house, pretenting to be tired when I'm drunk when people call me. And going to System Bolaget in the trashiest clothes, reeking of sweat, wearing sun glasses, drunk at ten in the morning, on a Tuesday - being the only one in the whole store, buying two big bottles of vodka that only lasted for a week. Covering my breath when meeting people, acting sober. I can't live like that.

But I've been sober now, third day. It's so tempting... no I can't. I'm fucking up all the time. I wanted to stop cutting so bad that I became alcoholic instead. I've been before, so it was easy. So easy to just keep refilling that glass I basically did it in my sleep.

Memories have been tormenting me, much more than usual. Specifically one memory. I did something awful, illegal and cruel beyond my comprehension when I was 9 or 10 years old. To another person. That memory is haunting me like nothing has ever haunted me before. I've been slightly aware of the memory all the time really, but it was this summer that I realised what I had actually done. I feel like a fucking rapist and with all right. Nice, huh?

I just wanna spill it all out, all the disgusting details, who it was and how much I hate myself for it... but I don't dare. I don't know what they'd do to me, if I'd go to jail, will they tell... the person I did it to. My family would fall apart. And yeah, then they'd leave me alone, that's for sure. They'd fucking disown me.

I don't wanna be forgiven. I shouldn't be forgiven. I'm a horrible person. Someone once said: "Imagine being judged on the most horrible thing you have ever done". It means something, doesn't it? Should I be judged for the most horrible thing I've ever done, when I'm not really a bad person? I'm a loyal friend, caring and always nice to people who don't even deserve it. I made a mistake, I was a kid who had just been molested myself, I didn't know that what I did was wrong. I didn't know, I swear! What the hell am I supposed to do? It's tearing me apart.

I wish I could just erase it, making it never have happened, and everything would be fine. This summer has been so damn hard, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to find myself again.