Random strangers on tumblr keep sending me messages about how it's okay for me to talk to them if I want to. I do appreciate it but I don't want that. I have family, friends, my love, my shrink, the crew and so on. I'm not alone, I just feel like shit anyway. Found about post about something called "stimming" on tumblr late yesterday or sometime during the night. I've never before had a word for what I do and have done since I was very young, so it's nice to finally have one.
I knew it's common among people with asperger/autism though. And I also knew it's not a bad thing, that I do it to soothe myself or to relieve stress. It's perfectly harmless and kinda useful but sometimes it makes me feel a bit awkward about it. Like I very rarely do it in public unless my mental state is completely off the charts. Then I can't control it and it just happens automatically. It does more and more though, lately I mean.
Cause I find myself rocking myself back and forth at school or with friends or family all the more often, without me even thinking about it. And then after a while I notice and I'm like "oh..." and I don't know why for sure but I am a tad embarrassed by it. Like I just know it's not normal for an adult to sit and rock themselves for no apparent reason. I don't like getting questions about it or any kind of attention for it.
But I remember doing that at least since I was 4 or 5 years old. I've always seen it as some kind of defense mechanism, a way to cope and calm myself down. And I've found myself comparing it to the act of rocking a baby in a cradle. I don't really remember how much or often I resorted to it in my past, but lately I'm at it at least several times a day. So maybe it's not so strange it happens at school as well.
Now I just need a Swedish word/name for it so that it would be easier for me to explain it to teachers and classmates if they get worried about me because of it. In the past I've referred to it as an "asperger thing" not knowing if that's been even remotely correct or not. I just knew that often in movies or books depicting characters with asperger or autism they often do rock themselves, but I know that's not the only group of people doing that. I just knew it's apparently common in that specific group of people, and since having asperger myself, I could easily relate and understand.
Although strangely, I've often gotten the feeling that some people who've seen me in that state think I'm doing it like on purpose, as an act of some sort, that it's not genuine. Maybe that's one of the reasons I've always been trying so hard to hide it from others. Cause they assume things that are both untrue and hurtful. Also, as a fairly young child I sometimes was told to "just stop it" and that I was seeking attention in some way, by those ignorant adults that were supposed to take care of me. School teachers the first few grades and daycare staff those few years right before.
So yeah, I eventually did get embarrassed by it and thought it would be best to hide it. Actually, when I come to think about it, soon after or at the same time as I came to that realisation was when my self harm started. At around age 11 or 12. But still kept doing it in private and in secrecy, when no one saw me. And now it's like... more than ever and I'm back to doing it in public again. But I believe that now that I'm older and wiser I can more easily stand up for myself and say "yeah so what if I rock myself?" cause it's not exactly harming anyone.
And now I know more of why I do it and that there's nothing wrong with it. Sure it might bother people seeing me that way, but I could reassure them that it's actually a rather good thing and it's helpful for me. I really do think it is. Like a million times better than self harm at least. Cause they do kinda serve the same purpose, in a way. Just that stimming is much more automatic, more like a natural response than an actual act of doing something.
I know a lot of people see it as strange though, especially rocking oneself, I mean there are other forms of stimming that are usually considered a lot less strange in social situations. It does draw a lot of attention and I guess people do feel awkward about it, but I can only guess what anyone else does feel about it. And I guess it's also different for everyone too. Like, some might even understand it or do something similar themselves.
Though I haven't met that many others that do rock themselves as extensively as I do. Not even when I went to school and was in a class only for people with diagnoses, mainly autism spectrum such, but also adhd, add, tourettes and so on. I went to that school/class for 4 years between 2006 and 2010 and not a single one. I did feel embarrassed doing it there as well then because of that. I thought it was weird and silly of me to behave that way, especially when not even other people of "my kind" understood it/me.
But lately, I don't know if I care less and less what other people think about it, or if I'm just in a worse place and it happens so frequently and to such an extent that I don't even notice it half the time anymore.
Monday, 30 November 2015
Stronger than fire
I wrote a whole lot about my most recent thoughts and feelings about K, but they're too private and personal for me to share. Know that there's not much at all that I keep entirely to myself of all the things I do write, but a small fraction has to be that way. It's like, maybe a couple of hundred words a week or so, which really is a fraction considering I usually write between 2000 and 6000 words a day. I mean I don't post that much, sometimes it's just too damn much to edit and I pick out the most important stuff cause I just work that way.
But anyhow, what I do feel alright saying is that I don't think K will completely abandon me anytime soon. I know I probably shouldn't be so scared of that happening, but I kinda am sometimes. When I think I've fucked up, gotten too close or just been too persistent with showing care. Simply put, sometimes I think I'm just a pain in the ass around him and how can he even possibly stand me?
Without saying too much, I can hint that it's not exactly the way it really is and I know that at heart, but still I keep blaming myself. No one should be blamed for anything, sometimes things just go wrong or turn out weird anyway. And we've been friends for quite long now and known of each other longer than that, so I should know better than to go and blame myself for every little thing I consider half a fatal mistake or the end of the world. I'm just so good at punishing myself as soon as it's anything, and if there isn't anything I make something up and punish myself for that instead.
I know most of my relationship with K is one sided, or how to phrase it, and I know I'm all too often blowing things out of proportion. Blame it on my heart, blame it on my nerves, blame it on my asperger, or anything within reach. I make a lot of private scenes in my head that I just don't show anyone. I worry myself to tears, panic attacks and sleepless nights as soon as something's up and I just can't slow down.
My feelings and thought processes are more often than not overheated, feverish and out of control. I try my best to understand them, accept them and not let my behaviour show just what a fucking mess everything actually is. I do strongly believe that I would definitely just push him away if I would do that. I'm scared of just how much of a pain in the ass I actually would be if I didn't practice all that self control. What I want and need and hope and wish for is not my damn priority. I don't think it ever should be and it would do no one any good if it had ever been.
I'm so emotional, my feelings practically rule me and my love for K is the strongest of them all. It's so powerful that it knocks me completely out of balance almost every day. It still does. It's wilder than fire but somehow I am able to contain it. Well, most of the time at least. I try my best. But at the same time, I've been doing my best to contain it for so long now that I don't even know how to let it slip out. I'm scared it will either burn me alive or him.
That I won't be able to let it out in a way that would be positive and for the right reasons, that it would instead just explode. And I don't know for sure if waiting even more will make that risk more or less likely to happen. It also might depend a bit on other circumstances around as well. Like what state I'm in and what state he's in. It might also not, it might just not depend on anything else at all. I really don't know.
But the more scared I am, of whatever it can be for, usually things happening in his life, the more out of control it gets and the harder it is to contain. I still can't even remotely handle all the love that I feel. Some things I don't even dare imagine at all, and that's unusual for me, as I've always been able to imagine anything no matter how painful, but right there I've hit my limit. When it comes to K, regarding some things, I've felt more fear than I ever thought was possible to feel all at once. And I know that is because I love him so much it's literally crippling me.
Is it good for me, loving him? I keep asking myself over and over. In some aspects it could be, but as I think about it more deeply than I've ever dared to before, it's killing me. The feelings are too strong, I can't even... there are no words to describe it at all. Or I don't have the words. How do you even possibly describe something you've never ever felt before? I don't see it truly as negative feelings though, if there even is such a thing as negative or positive feelings, to me they all are bits of both. And this, is very much a whole lot of both and so much more. It's like an entire world all of its own.
How am I even supposed to learn how to handle it, or even live with it? And oddly enough it's what's keeping me alive. That fire could keep an entire universe alive. But it can also kill. I think so, I really do. Of course I don't think he's ever gonna be in any actual danger, it's become my fucking life purpose to keep him out of danger, as much as I can, which isn't much at all but what the fuck should I do. I'm just a person. And I do have a few more disadvantages than most people do, and more disadvantages than other people who love him too. Anyhow, I do think that those feelings really are strong enough to eventually kill me.
If I can't contain it any longer, if I can't keep my defenses up. It's burning through the gates, melting the steel bars and I think it's just a matter of time. A lot of things could happen of course, but if I can't find other ways, I'm pretty dead certain I'm doomed. Though I don't know how it could kill me, my imagination can't take me that far. I just know that playing with fire is dangerous, and even though the feelings themselves might not be dangerous, what they can lead me to could very well be. I'm not scared of dying in either way, I'm scared of the feelings.
I still face a lot of fears, I'm far from fearless. And my most intense such are regarding K. I've been trying to find ways to deal, to dull my mind or distract myself, anything to not slip over the edge. Mostly I'm scared of that my fears might lead me to do something insane that might lead to K taking a distance from me, tell me to stay away from him or worse. That I will cross a line, simply put. To save him, to help him or I don't even know. That's what I can't imagine. That's some of the corners of my mind I just can't even visit. Ever.
And I realise a lot just writing this text, it somehow helps me understand better, but it also makes it harder to breathe. Cause when I think about it, like really think about it, I can feel those flames burning me.
But anyhow, what I do feel alright saying is that I don't think K will completely abandon me anytime soon. I know I probably shouldn't be so scared of that happening, but I kinda am sometimes. When I think I've fucked up, gotten too close or just been too persistent with showing care. Simply put, sometimes I think I'm just a pain in the ass around him and how can he even possibly stand me?
Without saying too much, I can hint that it's not exactly the way it really is and I know that at heart, but still I keep blaming myself. No one should be blamed for anything, sometimes things just go wrong or turn out weird anyway. And we've been friends for quite long now and known of each other longer than that, so I should know better than to go and blame myself for every little thing I consider half a fatal mistake or the end of the world. I'm just so good at punishing myself as soon as it's anything, and if there isn't anything I make something up and punish myself for that instead.
I know most of my relationship with K is one sided, or how to phrase it, and I know I'm all too often blowing things out of proportion. Blame it on my heart, blame it on my nerves, blame it on my asperger, or anything within reach. I make a lot of private scenes in my head that I just don't show anyone. I worry myself to tears, panic attacks and sleepless nights as soon as something's up and I just can't slow down.
My feelings and thought processes are more often than not overheated, feverish and out of control. I try my best to understand them, accept them and not let my behaviour show just what a fucking mess everything actually is. I do strongly believe that I would definitely just push him away if I would do that. I'm scared of just how much of a pain in the ass I actually would be if I didn't practice all that self control. What I want and need and hope and wish for is not my damn priority. I don't think it ever should be and it would do no one any good if it had ever been.
I'm so emotional, my feelings practically rule me and my love for K is the strongest of them all. It's so powerful that it knocks me completely out of balance almost every day. It still does. It's wilder than fire but somehow I am able to contain it. Well, most of the time at least. I try my best. But at the same time, I've been doing my best to contain it for so long now that I don't even know how to let it slip out. I'm scared it will either burn me alive or him.
That I won't be able to let it out in a way that would be positive and for the right reasons, that it would instead just explode. And I don't know for sure if waiting even more will make that risk more or less likely to happen. It also might depend a bit on other circumstances around as well. Like what state I'm in and what state he's in. It might also not, it might just not depend on anything else at all. I really don't know.
But the more scared I am, of whatever it can be for, usually things happening in his life, the more out of control it gets and the harder it is to contain. I still can't even remotely handle all the love that I feel. Some things I don't even dare imagine at all, and that's unusual for me, as I've always been able to imagine anything no matter how painful, but right there I've hit my limit. When it comes to K, regarding some things, I've felt more fear than I ever thought was possible to feel all at once. And I know that is because I love him so much it's literally crippling me.
Is it good for me, loving him? I keep asking myself over and over. In some aspects it could be, but as I think about it more deeply than I've ever dared to before, it's killing me. The feelings are too strong, I can't even... there are no words to describe it at all. Or I don't have the words. How do you even possibly describe something you've never ever felt before? I don't see it truly as negative feelings though, if there even is such a thing as negative or positive feelings, to me they all are bits of both. And this, is very much a whole lot of both and so much more. It's like an entire world all of its own.
How am I even supposed to learn how to handle it, or even live with it? And oddly enough it's what's keeping me alive. That fire could keep an entire universe alive. But it can also kill. I think so, I really do. Of course I don't think he's ever gonna be in any actual danger, it's become my fucking life purpose to keep him out of danger, as much as I can, which isn't much at all but what the fuck should I do. I'm just a person. And I do have a few more disadvantages than most people do, and more disadvantages than other people who love him too. Anyhow, I do think that those feelings really are strong enough to eventually kill me.
If I can't contain it any longer, if I can't keep my defenses up. It's burning through the gates, melting the steel bars and I think it's just a matter of time. A lot of things could happen of course, but if I can't find other ways, I'm pretty dead certain I'm doomed. Though I don't know how it could kill me, my imagination can't take me that far. I just know that playing with fire is dangerous, and even though the feelings themselves might not be dangerous, what they can lead me to could very well be. I'm not scared of dying in either way, I'm scared of the feelings.
I still face a lot of fears, I'm far from fearless. And my most intense such are regarding K. I've been trying to find ways to deal, to dull my mind or distract myself, anything to not slip over the edge. Mostly I'm scared of that my fears might lead me to do something insane that might lead to K taking a distance from me, tell me to stay away from him or worse. That I will cross a line, simply put. To save him, to help him or I don't even know. That's what I can't imagine. That's some of the corners of my mind I just can't even visit. Ever.
And I realise a lot just writing this text, it somehow helps me understand better, but it also makes it harder to breathe. Cause when I think about it, like really think about it, I can feel those flames burning me.
Sunday, 29 November 2015
Testing my patience
Damn how much I've just wanted to crawl into a corner and disappear today. My third cup of coffee for today doesn't sit right with my stomach. I don't even know why, everything just fucks with me today, and now I'll tell you exactly how.
I'm not feeling all that horrible right now but knowing it's just because I ate tears me apart. I want to be able to function at least to some minuscule degree without food for at least a while. I guess those days are over now. It's easy starve when you're just "starting out" but the more you keep doing it the harder it gets as your body is fighting back more and more. Heat wave! I'm overheated again but I was freezing two seconds ago. Please body, have you ever heard of the Swedish word "lagom"? Nah, didn't think so.
Anything along the lines of "good enough" is just not in my body's vocabulary. At all. It's all just extremes, polar opposites, black and white, completely out of the order and up-side-down. I think if you took a healthy person and shook them insanely for about 26 years you'd get something like the concept of me. Can anyone blame me for being thoroughly tired of living?
I just feel so completely, utterly done with this entire world. And I think the only thing really holding me back is my love for K. I don't see it as that I live for him, not anymore (cause I can't live for anyone), but that I live because of him. Don't know if that is much better in any moral sort of sense, but it's closer to the truth. My stupid feelings keep me here. I wish that wasn't so. I wish my feelings wouldn't hinder me as much as they do, or at all for that matter.
Yes, that's right, my feelings keeping me here is them being a hinder for me. Like they're the gate keepers and I can't get through. I know my point of view might differ from most people's. It almost always does. But me being alive is not a blessing or a miracle to me at all. It's a curse, a plague, a fucking disease and I just want to get out. I'm desperate to leave this horrible place. Of course though, I'm not so desperate to leave the people I love and care about devastated by dying, but I'm aware it's a choice I made to rather leave than stay, and that choice most definitely includes leaving what I love behind too.
I can't pick and choose what or who to leave or not when it comes to the question of death. It's an ultimate, definite decision and there's no coming back from it. I am aware of that. And I might not be fully sane these days, as I see so much darkness and the darkness is just drowning out the little light I've ever had. I might love a starry night sky, but I would never want to go out into it anyway. The darkness takes over, and the stars are too far away.
And I can't live for other people, no matter how fucking much I love them, I just can't. And I definitely can't live for myself, I never could. For anything in the world. Most of the time I've just been living cause it's easier than to die, and my true belief is that THAT is the actually cowardly choice. For me, it's taken a lot of courage to decide to die. To leave everything I know behind me for something I can't ever know what it is until I get there. Perhaps my view of courage is fucked up, but it is my view nonetheless.
I can only measure the meaning of words by my own thoughts and feelings. I don't even know which ones of my beliefs are to be considered normal, weird or downright insane. To me they're all normal, reasonable but also a little weird. But also, to me everything has got some degree of weirdness to it, even science. Oh, especially science! Maybe I'm just too dumb to understand it, or I'm too smart to have faith in it. Could be both, I suppose.
Mostly, living is just tiring and meaningless these days. I can still find sparks here and there though. They might make a day alright, but would never reach up to a state of becoming something I could live for. I'm not asking anyone to give me a reason to live, I would never do that, I'm just trying to say what's on my mind. Most of the time when I do talk about my misery to people, all I want is to inform them of my situation. I'm not asking for anything in return.
Gah I'm overheated again. Now switching between that and freezing, I honestly don't know if that's better or worse than the cold sweats. I'm just pissed at my body today. It's the most annoying thing I've ever been permanently stuck in. Wow, that explained so much about how I feel about being human.
And I'm awfully disgusted by this body. By this whole state. Some days I really hate being human and wish I was anything, literally anything else. But what choice do I actually have? I want real options, anything except this. No more tricks and illusions. If only I could at least get a vacation from living or something. Self induced coma? Please, wouldn't say no to that if only I had the means for it. I just don't want to sit here not wanting to do anything at all except from impossible things, wishing I wasn't even human and just wanting to die much more than I want to live.
This is no way of living, it's not even survival. I don't know what it is but death seems unreachable, unachievable, impossible even. I'm just sitting here waiting for a death that never comes and I can't stand a single minute of it. I'm just here for reasons I don't give a shit about and I don't want to live. I don't think I've been more fed up with life ever before. And for every failed suicide attempt it's been like something has died within me, some important, a key to lust for life. It's just... saying that I feel like a complete failure is not even remotely close enough to describe anything. I don't have words for it.
I've never been mad at the people who have saved my life back in the day, cause either they were just doing their job (doctors) or they did it because they loved me and wanted me to stay alive (friends). But I could never be thankful. Instead I was mostly just empty. Mad at myself for being so fucking hopelessly bad at it, and mad at my body for being so damn strong. It survives literally everything and why can't it just stop doing that? For crying out loud, just fucking stop.
It's wearing me out, being so tired, exhausted, sick of everything and hating myself. Lol, apparently my BMI is 19,5 but I thought for sure it was closer to 21... thank you ED for making me feel about 8 kg fatter than I actually am. No honestly I feel at least 15 kg fatter than I am, but I did think my BMI was in the range of 21 for some reason. I just keep looking it up and keep forgetting it all the time. I don't know how thin or fat I actually am, it's just a damn mystery. But I'm just one BMI point from underweight so I'm probably not fat. According to science at least.
I don't know why but I suddenly felt like checking the ED forum to see if anyone had just randomly left me a message but there was none, and ended up seeing a post someone had made about BMI and it got me curious again. I'm like half giving up on my ED half trying with everything I've got to get back on track with it. Yeah, I did fast yesterday, but I don't feel like calculating all the calories or even half of them and sometimes I just don't care if I eat. So what? One meal isn't gonna make me gain. So it feels like I have one foot in it and the other outside of it, in a way.
I'm not saying that I'm being casual about it, more like torn in two different directions: determination and a wish to just give up. Nothing holds me in place, not even my damn eating disorder. I just keep drifting. I wish it could "ground" me or give me some kind of meaning at least. But there's no joy in it, no excitement. It's just obsession and an addiction that is half there and half not. A fading addiction. I want to hold on to it, but I don't even know how. Right now, I think that could possibly be the only thing that could give me a reason to stay.
It's not a good reason though, I know that much. But it's something. If it could only just work with me. Ruin me more, take over me, distort me and shake me senseless. Anything if it would only just stay. That's the only thing I want, okay besides losing weight, to simply have it. But it feels like I can't even have that. Like life won't even give me that comfort. Maybe that's why I feel so horrible today, ruining my fast cause I just can't stay on that track, and all of my "can't's" that are just like holes in my mind. I just can't do anything. I can't even keep my eating disorder, what does that even say about me?
It just shouldn't work that way. It shouldn't be possible and I'm so fucking sick of it always being that way. I don't want to be unique in any damn sense if it leads to this. I can't stand myself. Every single breath today has been a necessary evil. I can't even figure it out, anything. I'm just stuck thinking how awful everything is and how I'd just want to rip all of my organs out one by one. I'm on edge, I'm beyond desperate and crawling out of my skin. Why do I even keep wishing things left to right? It's so utterly pointless.
Right, now I'm screaming at my hair. It's tickling me to a madness I can't fathom. But finally the sweating stopped for now. I'll probably be freezing again within minutes, or seconds. From despondent to fucking pissed, I just can't deal with myself today. At all. No, I'm done, I'm fucking done with it all. I feel like just screaming. But I'd feel stupid, cause that too would be pointless and not solve a damn thing. Nothing would. Ever, and that's why this day sucks.
I'm not feeling all that horrible right now but knowing it's just because I ate tears me apart. I want to be able to function at least to some minuscule degree without food for at least a while. I guess those days are over now. It's easy starve when you're just "starting out" but the more you keep doing it the harder it gets as your body is fighting back more and more. Heat wave! I'm overheated again but I was freezing two seconds ago. Please body, have you ever heard of the Swedish word "lagom"? Nah, didn't think so.
Anything along the lines of "good enough" is just not in my body's vocabulary. At all. It's all just extremes, polar opposites, black and white, completely out of the order and up-side-down. I think if you took a healthy person and shook them insanely for about 26 years you'd get something like the concept of me. Can anyone blame me for being thoroughly tired of living?
I just feel so completely, utterly done with this entire world. And I think the only thing really holding me back is my love for K. I don't see it as that I live for him, not anymore (cause I can't live for anyone), but that I live because of him. Don't know if that is much better in any moral sort of sense, but it's closer to the truth. My stupid feelings keep me here. I wish that wasn't so. I wish my feelings wouldn't hinder me as much as they do, or at all for that matter.
Yes, that's right, my feelings keeping me here is them being a hinder for me. Like they're the gate keepers and I can't get through. I know my point of view might differ from most people's. It almost always does. But me being alive is not a blessing or a miracle to me at all. It's a curse, a plague, a fucking disease and I just want to get out. I'm desperate to leave this horrible place. Of course though, I'm not so desperate to leave the people I love and care about devastated by dying, but I'm aware it's a choice I made to rather leave than stay, and that choice most definitely includes leaving what I love behind too.
I can't pick and choose what or who to leave or not when it comes to the question of death. It's an ultimate, definite decision and there's no coming back from it. I am aware of that. And I might not be fully sane these days, as I see so much darkness and the darkness is just drowning out the little light I've ever had. I might love a starry night sky, but I would never want to go out into it anyway. The darkness takes over, and the stars are too far away.
And I can't live for other people, no matter how fucking much I love them, I just can't. And I definitely can't live for myself, I never could. For anything in the world. Most of the time I've just been living cause it's easier than to die, and my true belief is that THAT is the actually cowardly choice. For me, it's taken a lot of courage to decide to die. To leave everything I know behind me for something I can't ever know what it is until I get there. Perhaps my view of courage is fucked up, but it is my view nonetheless.
I can only measure the meaning of words by my own thoughts and feelings. I don't even know which ones of my beliefs are to be considered normal, weird or downright insane. To me they're all normal, reasonable but also a little weird. But also, to me everything has got some degree of weirdness to it, even science. Oh, especially science! Maybe I'm just too dumb to understand it, or I'm too smart to have faith in it. Could be both, I suppose.
Mostly, living is just tiring and meaningless these days. I can still find sparks here and there though. They might make a day alright, but would never reach up to a state of becoming something I could live for. I'm not asking anyone to give me a reason to live, I would never do that, I'm just trying to say what's on my mind. Most of the time when I do talk about my misery to people, all I want is to inform them of my situation. I'm not asking for anything in return.
Gah I'm overheated again. Now switching between that and freezing, I honestly don't know if that's better or worse than the cold sweats. I'm just pissed at my body today. It's the most annoying thing I've ever been permanently stuck in. Wow, that explained so much about how I feel about being human.
And I'm awfully disgusted by this body. By this whole state. Some days I really hate being human and wish I was anything, literally anything else. But what choice do I actually have? I want real options, anything except this. No more tricks and illusions. If only I could at least get a vacation from living or something. Self induced coma? Please, wouldn't say no to that if only I had the means for it. I just don't want to sit here not wanting to do anything at all except from impossible things, wishing I wasn't even human and just wanting to die much more than I want to live.
This is no way of living, it's not even survival. I don't know what it is but death seems unreachable, unachievable, impossible even. I'm just sitting here waiting for a death that never comes and I can't stand a single minute of it. I'm just here for reasons I don't give a shit about and I don't want to live. I don't think I've been more fed up with life ever before. And for every failed suicide attempt it's been like something has died within me, some important, a key to lust for life. It's just... saying that I feel like a complete failure is not even remotely close enough to describe anything. I don't have words for it.
I've never been mad at the people who have saved my life back in the day, cause either they were just doing their job (doctors) or they did it because they loved me and wanted me to stay alive (friends). But I could never be thankful. Instead I was mostly just empty. Mad at myself for being so fucking hopelessly bad at it, and mad at my body for being so damn strong. It survives literally everything and why can't it just stop doing that? For crying out loud, just fucking stop.
It's wearing me out, being so tired, exhausted, sick of everything and hating myself. Lol, apparently my BMI is 19,5 but I thought for sure it was closer to 21... thank you ED for making me feel about 8 kg fatter than I actually am. No honestly I feel at least 15 kg fatter than I am, but I did think my BMI was in the range of 21 for some reason. I just keep looking it up and keep forgetting it all the time. I don't know how thin or fat I actually am, it's just a damn mystery. But I'm just one BMI point from underweight so I'm probably not fat. According to science at least.
I don't know why but I suddenly felt like checking the ED forum to see if anyone had just randomly left me a message but there was none, and ended up seeing a post someone had made about BMI and it got me curious again. I'm like half giving up on my ED half trying with everything I've got to get back on track with it. Yeah, I did fast yesterday, but I don't feel like calculating all the calories or even half of them and sometimes I just don't care if I eat. So what? One meal isn't gonna make me gain. So it feels like I have one foot in it and the other outside of it, in a way.
I'm not saying that I'm being casual about it, more like torn in two different directions: determination and a wish to just give up. Nothing holds me in place, not even my damn eating disorder. I just keep drifting. I wish it could "ground" me or give me some kind of meaning at least. But there's no joy in it, no excitement. It's just obsession and an addiction that is half there and half not. A fading addiction. I want to hold on to it, but I don't even know how. Right now, I think that could possibly be the only thing that could give me a reason to stay.
It's not a good reason though, I know that much. But it's something. If it could only just work with me. Ruin me more, take over me, distort me and shake me senseless. Anything if it would only just stay. That's the only thing I want, okay besides losing weight, to simply have it. But it feels like I can't even have that. Like life won't even give me that comfort. Maybe that's why I feel so horrible today, ruining my fast cause I just can't stay on that track, and all of my "can't's" that are just like holes in my mind. I just can't do anything. I can't even keep my eating disorder, what does that even say about me?
It just shouldn't work that way. It shouldn't be possible and I'm so fucking sick of it always being that way. I don't want to be unique in any damn sense if it leads to this. I can't stand myself. Every single breath today has been a necessary evil. I can't even figure it out, anything. I'm just stuck thinking how awful everything is and how I'd just want to rip all of my organs out one by one. I'm on edge, I'm beyond desperate and crawling out of my skin. Why do I even keep wishing things left to right? It's so utterly pointless.
Right, now I'm screaming at my hair. It's tickling me to a madness I can't fathom. But finally the sweating stopped for now. I'll probably be freezing again within minutes, or seconds. From despondent to fucking pissed, I just can't deal with myself today. At all. No, I'm done, I'm fucking done with it all. I feel like just screaming. But I'd feel stupid, cause that too would be pointless and not solve a damn thing. Nothing would. Ever, and that's why this day sucks.
Left with what lingers
My coughing has now almost completely stopped. Just the regular one left and that's not too often. Still can't take deep breaths though, my chest still hurts and all that other fun stuff still remains. But it is a relief to not cough so much anymore. I can if I want to. I can if I want to, I've always believed that, that if I just want something bad enough I can make it happen. I've had my last glass and suddenly all I feel is empty. Last conversation left me feeling bad, but now I can't even feel that. Like, I always mess up one way or another, it's just my life. I can't care about it all the freaking time. It would destroy me more than it already does.
Just know that deep down I do care, I just can't reach it right now. I guess I need more coffee to deal with the hunger if I do plan to stay awake any longer, it's just hurting a tad too much for me to cope with. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Please come back tomorrow, I'm out of service. I tell myself, stay true, just stay true. When lies becomes the easy way, you know you're really fucked. Yeah I've been fucked over by life and myself more times than I can count by now, but I'm really trying to keep the few actual friendships I have left. To at least just fucking keep them. And the general rule to that is "simply" don't fucking lie, and the rest usually sorts itself out.
And I've never known a harder way to communicate since it all started. I do regret letting the lies take over me as much as they did. Okay I really feel like shit now. I'm sobering up and it hurts literally everywhere. From head to feet and everywhere in between. And I'm so, so tired but in a middle of a conversation that I feel is getting nowhere so might just call it off at any point from now cause I just need to fucking sleep. Feel as though I should really not be rude about it though.
I haven't listened to this playlist in ages but I've heard every song in it a million times. So tired of it. I listened to it for hours, until I changed it a few seconds ago, into something else. I dream of alternative universes and wish this world away. Stay, I whisper to it, as I fade away for the night.
Just know that deep down I do care, I just can't reach it right now. I guess I need more coffee to deal with the hunger if I do plan to stay awake any longer, it's just hurting a tad too much for me to cope with. I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. Please come back tomorrow, I'm out of service. I tell myself, stay true, just stay true. When lies becomes the easy way, you know you're really fucked. Yeah I've been fucked over by life and myself more times than I can count by now, but I'm really trying to keep the few actual friendships I have left. To at least just fucking keep them. And the general rule to that is "simply" don't fucking lie, and the rest usually sorts itself out.
And I've never known a harder way to communicate since it all started. I do regret letting the lies take over me as much as they did. Okay I really feel like shit now. I'm sobering up and it hurts literally everywhere. From head to feet and everywhere in between. And I'm so, so tired but in a middle of a conversation that I feel is getting nowhere so might just call it off at any point from now cause I just need to fucking sleep. Feel as though I should really not be rude about it though.
I haven't listened to this playlist in ages but I've heard every song in it a million times. So tired of it. I listened to it for hours, until I changed it a few seconds ago, into something else. I dream of alternative universes and wish this world away. Stay, I whisper to it, as I fade away for the night.
Saturday, 28 November 2015
All the things I apparently wanted to tell you
Y, I know I haven't written to you in a while and I haven't really known what to say, but I just want you to know that you're still in my thoughts and I think about you quite a lot. Not always I can form those thoughts into actual words though, but know I'm still here. Mostly I think about what you might think or feel, what you're going through right now and how you're coping. Generally or more specifically, it varies.
I did feel relieved when you wrote that you'd like to see more of my emotional side, as I still sometimes can't get out of that toxic thought that I'm actually just a bother. I know I am not, but the thought itself is harder to get rid of than that, for some reason. Letting myself go and letting you in is indeed a process (that I really want, maybe I should add) and sometimes I'm doing that more carefully than I perhaps need to.
I know you're very much not exactly a stranger anymore but even with my closest friends I tend to be that way at least a little bit and on some days. I really do know that you want to know all of me, and I want to know you that way too. I'm not afraid of letting you in on any aspect of me, but it's like... I don't know, it's hard to explain. Maybe the best way I can possibly explain is that it's simply something that I'm not used to. Being wanted even with my darkness. And I feel as though, it's something one shouldn't even get used to. (Adding this as I edit the text:) I guess the one thing that holds me back is that I hurt you before and I don't want that happening again.
But yeah, just here to let you know that I'm still here and that you're still in my heart and mind, even though I've been silent for a few days now. I know even you might need some reassurance and calming from time to time. So I'm just here writing this text freely, directly from how I'm feeling and thinking right now. I hope you're doing as well as you can, considering all the circumstances, and I'll keep you in my heart and mind even when I don't directly write to you.
And also, thank you for watching over me in my sleep, I think it might even work, sometimes at least. I do feel safer knowing I'm in good company, even if it is in spirit. I have slept better for a few night in a row now, I hope it continues that way, but I try to not let it affect me way too much when or if it gets bad again. My mind has a lot to process and all my subconscious can really do is giving me strange dreams and nightmares. It doesn't know how else to cope. And my body is under a lot of stress making it even harder to get good sleep. But I also know that worrying about it hardly helps.
Okay I'm probably never gonna stop writing this text I just realise, maybe I did have a lot to say after all? I'm not sure exactly how that works, to be honest. Like nah I don't even know what to say for a week and then I write half a book to you all of a sudden. But I guess you're not so surprised by that happening at this point, and I do hope it's not bothering you that I work that way, as it doesn't seem to be something I can really do anything about. Although I try to not let too much time pass between messages.
That's for a lot of reasons, for your sake and my own. One is that I don't want you to think that I have abandoned you again cause I really haven't, I just don't always have words. Another is that I really do want to write to you no matter if I have positive, negative or uncategorisable things to say. Not sure if that was a real word, by the way. Okay I'm starting to get drunk already, even though I've only had one glass so far. But not eating always lets me get drunk much faster.
I feel it's easier for me to reach out that way, but I wish it wasn't like that. I do wish I could reach out to you just as easily, that my words would flow just as easily, when I'm entirely sober. I guess, in some way, that's one of the reasons I do drink as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, not because of you at all, but because socialising in any way has always been a bit difficult for me, with literally everyone I've ever known in any way. Perhaps the bullying scarred me that way, perhaps it's my asperger, perhaps I shouldn't blame it on anything. It's just way it is, it might change, it might not. But I've worked on that still somewhat persistent shyness at least since I was 15 years old. I really have, but it's a very long process, I've come to realise.
But fact remains, I can more easily reach those half hidden corners of my mind when I drink, I feel as though I get more like myself then. More me, in literally every sense. I don't know if you would ever agree, and it's totally okay if you don't. Your opinion is just as valuable either way. I want you to know that, that your opinion is always just as valuable to me whether it goes with or against my own beliefs. You might already know that, but I still feel like it's an important thing for me to tell you.
This might become a lot of words and me mostly rambling, but I do feel like it's also important for me to say all of this, even if not everything is important on a very large scale. That even the things I perceive as little do have at least some kind of value. For you, and for both of us. I do realise more and more the importance of communication even though I've oddly enough literally been raised to think like that. That communication, any kind of it, is very important. Still I sometimes seem to forget that. That's one of the things I really love my parents for teaching me as I grew up.
But yeah, I just suddenly feel like I have so much to say before even knowing it. I don't know if that even makes any sense? And do, absolutely, feel free to ask me if anything I say is not easy to understand, I do know my mind might work in strange ways sometimes. I know you understand me better than most people, but I also am aware that you might not understand exactly everything, and I really don't mind getting questions. I'm just awfully uncomfortable asking questions myself for some reason I don't understand. It's one of all those things I need to work on, but I actually do feel like I'm getting all the more comfortable asking you questions, so maybe I'm already working on it? I don't know.
Yeah okay, I was just gonna tell you that I haven't forgotten about or abandoned you, and it turned into all of this text. I am really not sure where my mind is at right now, or how I suddenly had so much to say. It's like it almost came out of nowhere, and at the same time from everywhere inside me. Like it all was piled up somewhere and I just found it. If I sound confused, it's because I am. But I believe it's okay for me to be that way. We all get confused, don't we?
I also just want to let you know that I'm not afraid of letting you in, I don't fear it. I might hesitate, but when I do it's for other reasons. I'm not exactly sure what those other reasons actually would be, but I will tell you as soon as I know. Maybe I'm just not sure where to place my feet on the road, you know? Like I know there's no danger but still I feel insecure somehow. I'm not really holding back, as you might have noticed that I don't so much anymore, I'm just really confused about how to explain some things. Things I'm hardly aware of myself.
I know they're there, as I'm aware of almost everything that goes on in inside me at least on some level, but so much of it still remain as riddles. I know you know I still have a lot to figure out. And I want to let you in more and more on my journey, as well as I carefully ask to join in on your journey as well. Maybe not on everything at once, but perhaps little by little? It's a very careful request and you are very much allowed to decline. Only tell me what you're comfortable with. I don't want to push you into anything as much as I'm sure you don't want to push me either. I know neither of us work that way.
Yes the wall will crumble, I might have been wanting to rush that but now I know for sure that it is not something to rush. It needs to take its time and every little step on the way is just as important. I think I know that now. Sometimes it takes a while for me to really... you know, actually get things. I might seem more impatient than I actually am sometimes, but I know that somewhere deep inside I can actually be very patient. I just sometimes need more time to realise things. I might still not fully understand them, but I'm thinking I will in due time.
And I won't stop writing this text before I know I've said all I feel the need to say. I won't pressure you to read it all, but you know that. Sometimes I still do get the feeling that I might write way too much and also kinda too seldom, but I think that's just me having trouble sometimes to read large texts. Like I'm applying that trouble to you somehow, even though I know I probably shouldn't. Oh my god my leg hurts sooo much right now... I've been sitting on it for probably an hour.
Anyhow, I feel my words are starting to come to an end now, and I'll try to write to you a bit more often, but I can't promise anything and you know I really try to not make promises I'm not certain that I can keep. One of my few "better" morals or so I guess, in lack of better words. I'm always around the corner however, and also just want to add that I recently found my web camera that's been lost for a bunch of weeks. Just thought it could be good for you to know that I have it again, just in case of anything. Not saying we should jump into that immediately just like that though, only saying that that option now actually even is an actual option.
And more things I'd like to add, is that I'm there with you in spirit as well, wherever you are and whatever you do right now. Or any minute from now. I would say this in a sober state as well as it's been on my mind for a few days at least now, if not more, to tell you that, I just didn't know even remotely how to phrase it.
And maybe you don't know this, but I'm really not one of those people who gets overly everything when drunk and then regrets it and blames it on the booze. On the contrary, the complete opposite, I thank the booze for helping me with the words I so needed when I was sober but couldn't reach. I don't think I've ever blamed anything I've ever said while drunk on the booze. I just don't work that way, and I just suddenly got the feeling that I've never told you this and it could even be terribly important. So there's that, and whenever you get the time to read this (might take while, I realise, but I hope it's gonna be worth that time, I just never know for sure) I hope you're doing as well as you can and that you can find strength to go through all you need to go through. Doing the best I can, I try to watch over you as well, in sleep or wakefulness.
With all my sincerest regards, John.
I did feel relieved when you wrote that you'd like to see more of my emotional side, as I still sometimes can't get out of that toxic thought that I'm actually just a bother. I know I am not, but the thought itself is harder to get rid of than that, for some reason. Letting myself go and letting you in is indeed a process (that I really want, maybe I should add) and sometimes I'm doing that more carefully than I perhaps need to.
I know you're very much not exactly a stranger anymore but even with my closest friends I tend to be that way at least a little bit and on some days. I really do know that you want to know all of me, and I want to know you that way too. I'm not afraid of letting you in on any aspect of me, but it's like... I don't know, it's hard to explain. Maybe the best way I can possibly explain is that it's simply something that I'm not used to. Being wanted even with my darkness. And I feel as though, it's something one shouldn't even get used to. (Adding this as I edit the text:) I guess the one thing that holds me back is that I hurt you before and I don't want that happening again.
But yeah, just here to let you know that I'm still here and that you're still in my heart and mind, even though I've been silent for a few days now. I know even you might need some reassurance and calming from time to time. So I'm just here writing this text freely, directly from how I'm feeling and thinking right now. I hope you're doing as well as you can, considering all the circumstances, and I'll keep you in my heart and mind even when I don't directly write to you.
And also, thank you for watching over me in my sleep, I think it might even work, sometimes at least. I do feel safer knowing I'm in good company, even if it is in spirit. I have slept better for a few night in a row now, I hope it continues that way, but I try to not let it affect me way too much when or if it gets bad again. My mind has a lot to process and all my subconscious can really do is giving me strange dreams and nightmares. It doesn't know how else to cope. And my body is under a lot of stress making it even harder to get good sleep. But I also know that worrying about it hardly helps.
Okay I'm probably never gonna stop writing this text I just realise, maybe I did have a lot to say after all? I'm not sure exactly how that works, to be honest. Like nah I don't even know what to say for a week and then I write half a book to you all of a sudden. But I guess you're not so surprised by that happening at this point, and I do hope it's not bothering you that I work that way, as it doesn't seem to be something I can really do anything about. Although I try to not let too much time pass between messages.
That's for a lot of reasons, for your sake and my own. One is that I don't want you to think that I have abandoned you again cause I really haven't, I just don't always have words. Another is that I really do want to write to you no matter if I have positive, negative or uncategorisable things to say. Not sure if that was a real word, by the way. Okay I'm starting to get drunk already, even though I've only had one glass so far. But not eating always lets me get drunk much faster.
I feel it's easier for me to reach out that way, but I wish it wasn't like that. I do wish I could reach out to you just as easily, that my words would flow just as easily, when I'm entirely sober. I guess, in some way, that's one of the reasons I do drink as much as I do. Don't get me wrong, not because of you at all, but because socialising in any way has always been a bit difficult for me, with literally everyone I've ever known in any way. Perhaps the bullying scarred me that way, perhaps it's my asperger, perhaps I shouldn't blame it on anything. It's just way it is, it might change, it might not. But I've worked on that still somewhat persistent shyness at least since I was 15 years old. I really have, but it's a very long process, I've come to realise.
But fact remains, I can more easily reach those half hidden corners of my mind when I drink, I feel as though I get more like myself then. More me, in literally every sense. I don't know if you would ever agree, and it's totally okay if you don't. Your opinion is just as valuable either way. I want you to know that, that your opinion is always just as valuable to me whether it goes with or against my own beliefs. You might already know that, but I still feel like it's an important thing for me to tell you.
This might become a lot of words and me mostly rambling, but I do feel like it's also important for me to say all of this, even if not everything is important on a very large scale. That even the things I perceive as little do have at least some kind of value. For you, and for both of us. I do realise more and more the importance of communication even though I've oddly enough literally been raised to think like that. That communication, any kind of it, is very important. Still I sometimes seem to forget that. That's one of the things I really love my parents for teaching me as I grew up.
But yeah, I just suddenly feel like I have so much to say before even knowing it. I don't know if that even makes any sense? And do, absolutely, feel free to ask me if anything I say is not easy to understand, I do know my mind might work in strange ways sometimes. I know you understand me better than most people, but I also am aware that you might not understand exactly everything, and I really don't mind getting questions. I'm just awfully uncomfortable asking questions myself for some reason I don't understand. It's one of all those things I need to work on, but I actually do feel like I'm getting all the more comfortable asking you questions, so maybe I'm already working on it? I don't know.
Yeah okay, I was just gonna tell you that I haven't forgotten about or abandoned you, and it turned into all of this text. I am really not sure where my mind is at right now, or how I suddenly had so much to say. It's like it almost came out of nowhere, and at the same time from everywhere inside me. Like it all was piled up somewhere and I just found it. If I sound confused, it's because I am. But I believe it's okay for me to be that way. We all get confused, don't we?
I also just want to let you know that I'm not afraid of letting you in, I don't fear it. I might hesitate, but when I do it's for other reasons. I'm not exactly sure what those other reasons actually would be, but I will tell you as soon as I know. Maybe I'm just not sure where to place my feet on the road, you know? Like I know there's no danger but still I feel insecure somehow. I'm not really holding back, as you might have noticed that I don't so much anymore, I'm just really confused about how to explain some things. Things I'm hardly aware of myself.
I know they're there, as I'm aware of almost everything that goes on in inside me at least on some level, but so much of it still remain as riddles. I know you know I still have a lot to figure out. And I want to let you in more and more on my journey, as well as I carefully ask to join in on your journey as well. Maybe not on everything at once, but perhaps little by little? It's a very careful request and you are very much allowed to decline. Only tell me what you're comfortable with. I don't want to push you into anything as much as I'm sure you don't want to push me either. I know neither of us work that way.
Yes the wall will crumble, I might have been wanting to rush that but now I know for sure that it is not something to rush. It needs to take its time and every little step on the way is just as important. I think I know that now. Sometimes it takes a while for me to really... you know, actually get things. I might seem more impatient than I actually am sometimes, but I know that somewhere deep inside I can actually be very patient. I just sometimes need more time to realise things. I might still not fully understand them, but I'm thinking I will in due time.
And I won't stop writing this text before I know I've said all I feel the need to say. I won't pressure you to read it all, but you know that. Sometimes I still do get the feeling that I might write way too much and also kinda too seldom, but I think that's just me having trouble sometimes to read large texts. Like I'm applying that trouble to you somehow, even though I know I probably shouldn't. Oh my god my leg hurts sooo much right now... I've been sitting on it for probably an hour.
Anyhow, I feel my words are starting to come to an end now, and I'll try to write to you a bit more often, but I can't promise anything and you know I really try to not make promises I'm not certain that I can keep. One of my few "better" morals or so I guess, in lack of better words. I'm always around the corner however, and also just want to add that I recently found my web camera that's been lost for a bunch of weeks. Just thought it could be good for you to know that I have it again, just in case of anything. Not saying we should jump into that immediately just like that though, only saying that that option now actually even is an actual option.
And more things I'd like to add, is that I'm there with you in spirit as well, wherever you are and whatever you do right now. Or any minute from now. I would say this in a sober state as well as it's been on my mind for a few days at least now, if not more, to tell you that, I just didn't know even remotely how to phrase it.
And maybe you don't know this, but I'm really not one of those people who gets overly everything when drunk and then regrets it and blames it on the booze. On the contrary, the complete opposite, I thank the booze for helping me with the words I so needed when I was sober but couldn't reach. I don't think I've ever blamed anything I've ever said while drunk on the booze. I just don't work that way, and I just suddenly got the feeling that I've never told you this and it could even be terribly important. So there's that, and whenever you get the time to read this (might take while, I realise, but I hope it's gonna be worth that time, I just never know for sure) I hope you're doing as well as you can and that you can find strength to go through all you need to go through. Doing the best I can, I try to watch over you as well, in sleep or wakefulness.
With all my sincerest regards, John.
Future thoughts
I've thought about it, that would I even have survived my teenage years if I had "embraced" my transsexualism a lot earlier? Or would it have been way too much for me? Like when I was 16 and actually figured most of it out? I wonder what my life would have been like then. I still of course wouldn't have been able to get hormones before at least age 18, but still. It could have been an earlier social transition.
I would probably not have ended up with my ex R, but you never know. If I was still physically female and he was actually bi-curious in a way. I think he actually could have been with a pre-everything transguy. In a way he was of course, but none of us really knew that back then. I don't know, but even in that alternative universe theory, I still don't want my teenage years without him. I learned so much from that relationship and it really helped me grow as a person. Now I usually don't regret my time in the closet, I think I needed to give it that time. I think I needed to try living as female.
That it was a necessary experience, and good lord it taught me a lot about misogyny, male privilege, how men treat women and all that fun stuff. No of course I was never really female, but posing as one and being seen as one in society kinda, in a way, put me in that situation quite a few times. Although most of the time I felt as though I didn't belong with either women or men. I still don't. And I know that's weird cause I am male and should be identifying with other males, and don't get me wrong, in most aspects I do, but I just don't feel really welcome in any crowd.
I wish I was though, I believe it would make certain things easier. If any group of people, I feel the most welcome and like I belong among other transgender people, binary and non-binary. I just feel like I'm stuck somewhere in between the males and the females and it's not a good feeling. I get insecure around other men because I just don't feel like I'm "male enough" which of course is stupid but I can't help it. And I feel insecure around women because I'm obviously not one of them.
So yeah, I feel I deviate more from women than other men, but like I don't really belong with any of them. Maybe it's simply because of my journey, but I don't think so, not really. Cause I'm pretty sure that if I had been born cis-male I still would have felt out of place. Maybe it's just because I'm androgynous with a brain that is pretty much just as male as female. So yeah, I do identify as male, want/need a male looking body and to present as male in society, but I don't think I really am 100% male.
It is very possible that I am in fact agender, bi-gender or something similar they don't really have a name for, but I still just want to be seen as entirely male. It's more of a wish, a wanting, than a way to be. Like, I feel much better being read as male and having a more masculine body (and would of course want for it to be even more masculine) than I do with the opposite. I really can't live as female or have a feminine body. Maybe I do in fact have two genders, male and something else that I can't quite define.
Something non-human. Cause I don't really ever identify as female in any way, it's something else. Clothes, hair and make-up has really nothing to do with my gender and doesn't (or shouldn't) make me more female than I actually am. It's just a way of expressing... whatever you want to express really. I think I'm definitely on to something here, might actually also figure it out before I die. But one thing is for sure, I still want to be read as male, look male and have a male body. Even if only 50% of me actually is male. And male pronouns really need to stay too.
I don't know exactly why, but I always get very testy when people use gender neutral pronouns on me. Like "I'm a dude, are you fucking blind?!" I just want to yell at them. But of course I don't. I think there could be a bit insecurity in that, that I kinda see it as some form of misgendering even if it's not intended that way most of the time. Here in Sweden, the word "hen/henom" has become, almost a bit, like an epidemic. It's like saying "they/them" in English and it's rather new. And I just really hate it when people use that pronoun on me.
I don't have anything against the usage of gender neutral pronouns, not at all, in fact I think they can even be a blessing to any language, but people really should be more careful with how they throw those words around. Especially when they just assume everyone is fine with them using them left to right without ever asking if it's okay. And almost everyone who finds out about my trans status always get very confused on how they want to gender me. I just don't understand what's so fucking hard. I've worked years upon years, taken hormones and gone under the knife and hassled with paper works just to be read as male (kinda) and they still can't get it right?
Like I went from being read as female to being read as male, I put my femininity behind me how can they not understand? They seem to think that oh, just because I'm trans then I'm of some kind of third gender. Couldn't be more inaccurate. Yeah, I've tried to explain, but there comes a point where I just don't have the energy anymore. Where I just want to write "I'm a man and nothing else" in bold letters on my freaking forehead and everything else is just no one's fucking business.
It's just tiring to even think about. I just wish I could move around in society without having my gender questioned for a fucking change. But it never stops. Would I have still thought it would be worth it, to transition, back in 2009, if I had known it was gonna take 6 years and after all that time people still can't get my gender right? I wonder, I seriously do. Or would I just have given up and died? But I'm hopefully at least at the end of my transition now, and I will most likely also have more surgeries if I survive next spring and/or can get my eating disorder in check enough to even be allowed to have surgery at all.
That would be the last damn thing, if just all those authority people can just stop getting my damn personal identity number wrong all the freaking time. I've had the "new" number for a year now and as late as last week some fucker screwed it up in their papers, when I had those blood tests taken. I'm sure I wrote about that already. Those are the only two things still hanging over me. Cause if I do get to severe underweight I'm pretty damn certain no one would want to operate on me, so I guess I'll have to deal with that sometime in the future.
Like, if I can't even get to severe underweight it's more likely that I'll just give up on that and somewhat recover at least for surgery, then possibly get back down to that road again after I've healed up and everything. Cause I do want that operation, I really do, I just don't think now is a good time for it. And I want to be a little bit more certain still. As I still, somewhere suppressed in the back of my mind, would want a child one day. It's literally the only thing preventing me from getting that surgery asap. And I don't think it even should. I can't have babies, it's absurd.
And I know that I'd rather want that surgery than a child, but I also know that I can't have both. Well, if I get a child first I could always have the surgery later on, but definitely not the other way around. And I'm just trying to figure out just how much or if I'd regret it if I do skip getting a child and just go for the surgery. Like how much would I possibly hate myself? More than I already do, that is. So yeah, I'm still asking myself that question and have decided that I won't go for anything before I have a very clear and solid answer.
I would probably not have ended up with my ex R, but you never know. If I was still physically female and he was actually bi-curious in a way. I think he actually could have been with a pre-everything transguy. In a way he was of course, but none of us really knew that back then. I don't know, but even in that alternative universe theory, I still don't want my teenage years without him. I learned so much from that relationship and it really helped me grow as a person. Now I usually don't regret my time in the closet, I think I needed to give it that time. I think I needed to try living as female.
That it was a necessary experience, and good lord it taught me a lot about misogyny, male privilege, how men treat women and all that fun stuff. No of course I was never really female, but posing as one and being seen as one in society kinda, in a way, put me in that situation quite a few times. Although most of the time I felt as though I didn't belong with either women or men. I still don't. And I know that's weird cause I am male and should be identifying with other males, and don't get me wrong, in most aspects I do, but I just don't feel really welcome in any crowd.
I wish I was though, I believe it would make certain things easier. If any group of people, I feel the most welcome and like I belong among other transgender people, binary and non-binary. I just feel like I'm stuck somewhere in between the males and the females and it's not a good feeling. I get insecure around other men because I just don't feel like I'm "male enough" which of course is stupid but I can't help it. And I feel insecure around women because I'm obviously not one of them.
So yeah, I feel I deviate more from women than other men, but like I don't really belong with any of them. Maybe it's simply because of my journey, but I don't think so, not really. Cause I'm pretty sure that if I had been born cis-male I still would have felt out of place. Maybe it's just because I'm androgynous with a brain that is pretty much just as male as female. So yeah, I do identify as male, want/need a male looking body and to present as male in society, but I don't think I really am 100% male.
It is very possible that I am in fact agender, bi-gender or something similar they don't really have a name for, but I still just want to be seen as entirely male. It's more of a wish, a wanting, than a way to be. Like, I feel much better being read as male and having a more masculine body (and would of course want for it to be even more masculine) than I do with the opposite. I really can't live as female or have a feminine body. Maybe I do in fact have two genders, male and something else that I can't quite define.
Something non-human. Cause I don't really ever identify as female in any way, it's something else. Clothes, hair and make-up has really nothing to do with my gender and doesn't (or shouldn't) make me more female than I actually am. It's just a way of expressing... whatever you want to express really. I think I'm definitely on to something here, might actually also figure it out before I die. But one thing is for sure, I still want to be read as male, look male and have a male body. Even if only 50% of me actually is male. And male pronouns really need to stay too.
I don't know exactly why, but I always get very testy when people use gender neutral pronouns on me. Like "I'm a dude, are you fucking blind?!" I just want to yell at them. But of course I don't. I think there could be a bit insecurity in that, that I kinda see it as some form of misgendering even if it's not intended that way most of the time. Here in Sweden, the word "hen/henom" has become, almost a bit, like an epidemic. It's like saying "they/them" in English and it's rather new. And I just really hate it when people use that pronoun on me.
I don't have anything against the usage of gender neutral pronouns, not at all, in fact I think they can even be a blessing to any language, but people really should be more careful with how they throw those words around. Especially when they just assume everyone is fine with them using them left to right without ever asking if it's okay. And almost everyone who finds out about my trans status always get very confused on how they want to gender me. I just don't understand what's so fucking hard. I've worked years upon years, taken hormones and gone under the knife and hassled with paper works just to be read as male (kinda) and they still can't get it right?
Like I went from being read as female to being read as male, I put my femininity behind me how can they not understand? They seem to think that oh, just because I'm trans then I'm of some kind of third gender. Couldn't be more inaccurate. Yeah, I've tried to explain, but there comes a point where I just don't have the energy anymore. Where I just want to write "I'm a man and nothing else" in bold letters on my freaking forehead and everything else is just no one's fucking business.
It's just tiring to even think about. I just wish I could move around in society without having my gender questioned for a fucking change. But it never stops. Would I have still thought it would be worth it, to transition, back in 2009, if I had known it was gonna take 6 years and after all that time people still can't get my gender right? I wonder, I seriously do. Or would I just have given up and died? But I'm hopefully at least at the end of my transition now, and I will most likely also have more surgeries if I survive next spring and/or can get my eating disorder in check enough to even be allowed to have surgery at all.
That would be the last damn thing, if just all those authority people can just stop getting my damn personal identity number wrong all the freaking time. I've had the "new" number for a year now and as late as last week some fucker screwed it up in their papers, when I had those blood tests taken. I'm sure I wrote about that already. Those are the only two things still hanging over me. Cause if I do get to severe underweight I'm pretty damn certain no one would want to operate on me, so I guess I'll have to deal with that sometime in the future.
Like, if I can't even get to severe underweight it's more likely that I'll just give up on that and somewhat recover at least for surgery, then possibly get back down to that road again after I've healed up and everything. Cause I do want that operation, I really do, I just don't think now is a good time for it. And I want to be a little bit more certain still. As I still, somewhere suppressed in the back of my mind, would want a child one day. It's literally the only thing preventing me from getting that surgery asap. And I don't think it even should. I can't have babies, it's absurd.
And I know that I'd rather want that surgery than a child, but I also know that I can't have both. Well, if I get a child first I could always have the surgery later on, but definitely not the other way around. And I'm just trying to figure out just how much or if I'd regret it if I do skip getting a child and just go for the surgery. Like how much would I possibly hate myself? More than I already do, that is. So yeah, I'm still asking myself that question and have decided that I won't go for anything before I have a very clear and solid answer.
Friday, 27 November 2015
Nothing I can do
Woke up a million times tonight, got out of bed two of those times, but ultimately managed to sleep for around 13 hours altogether, give or take a few. Now my mother is here, cleaning up the worst of the mess in my apartment. Okay, she's left now. I've been drawing a bit just now and my half transforming demon boy is coming together. Only got the legs and feet left to colour, and then the background of course too.
I feel weird today, like sort of clear and dizzy. As if too much caffeine but I've only had one cup so far today. I'm tired at the same time too. I still worry about K but try to not let it get too me too much. It would only bring me down, if I did that. So I'm taking a slight distance, why shouldn't I? It's not like he even wants to talk to me, again. It's not that I'm actually bummed about his silence, I just worry and feel inadequate. That I can't reach out, it causes a lot of frustration.
But I also know that I, and so many others, work the same way. To want to draw back from human contact when not feeling so good. So I can't blame him for not wanting to talk to me, and I don't. I just wish he would need me, I wish there was anything I could do, but there's obviously nothing. I believe though, that the best way of handling that situation is by keep giving him all the time he needs to come around. I know he hasn't entirely abandoned me, but temporarily he has.
So I keep waiting for him to come to me. Keep hoping for the better days and for them to somehow, someday, stay with him. And I know that it's hopeless dreaming, but it feels like really the only thing I can do, to keep him in my thoughts and heart, keep just being there for him and available at all times without uttering words. He's my main priority so yes, I would literally drop everything for him if or when he comes back to me. He's a mess, but I really do love him. Not despite of that, but including that.
I don't mean that I love his suffering, of course, but I do mean that I love all that is him, including darkness and chaos. And if not else, it's something that we have in common. So I believe that makes it easier for me to love those parts of him too, cause they're not always so different from my own such parts. I think it also helps with me trying to help him, that my own darkness helps to know what kind of support would be worthwhile.
Just knowing what phrases to say should be avoided and what actions too. Like, what kind of support would I want? Then that helps in other aspects too, that I know him at least fairly well.
I've run out of words. I just feel so damn uncomfortable in my skin. Suddenly I thought about M, or one of all the people I've known who's name starts with an M. And it just hit me that maybe he could never be with me or like me as a guy. When we met, I had just come out of the closet and didn't pass very well. But I started passing better when I went on hormones for the first time during 2010 and it didn't seem to bother him.
What eventually broke off our intimate relationship was that he got a girlfriend who was not okay with us snogging. I remember our last kiss was forbidden and it got her really mad. I didn't even know, cause they told me afterwards. I don't even know why I suddenly got the idea that he "dumped" me because of my gender identity. But he was/is more or less straight and everyone around me was worried about that. The two of us being so intimate and it clashing with his sexual orientation.
It's not unusual for me. I was with quite a few straight men even after I came out of that closet and started on hormones. To me it never mattered, as long as they respected me and my body they could call themselves whatever they wanted. I was in love with him however, not very deeply, but still in love. I wanted much more than he was prepared to give me. He's a few years older than me but not that many, I believe he turned 32 or if it was 34 this year. We were on the same wave length, but didn't have all that much in common.
I remember at one point I almost forced him to go on a date with me, outside of the party world, after I had stated that we never saw each other if it wasn't at parties. I saw him sober and not at a party only a handful of times during those two or so years that we knew each other. Mostly we just kissed and snogged. Sometimes we talked too but it was much more of the former. Sometimes I just miss it, but not that much. I was angry at him for just suddenly breaking off whatever it was that we had, completely without warning.
This is just me having trouble letting go of my past. It still lingers and haunts me. Now I'm getting myself drunk again for no reason, for every reason. I'm still torn apart about K, I still don't know what to do, but sometimes I tend to kinda forget about it, but then it comes back to me again.
I feel weird today, like sort of clear and dizzy. As if too much caffeine but I've only had one cup so far today. I'm tired at the same time too. I still worry about K but try to not let it get too me too much. It would only bring me down, if I did that. So I'm taking a slight distance, why shouldn't I? It's not like he even wants to talk to me, again. It's not that I'm actually bummed about his silence, I just worry and feel inadequate. That I can't reach out, it causes a lot of frustration.
But I also know that I, and so many others, work the same way. To want to draw back from human contact when not feeling so good. So I can't blame him for not wanting to talk to me, and I don't. I just wish he would need me, I wish there was anything I could do, but there's obviously nothing. I believe though, that the best way of handling that situation is by keep giving him all the time he needs to come around. I know he hasn't entirely abandoned me, but temporarily he has.
So I keep waiting for him to come to me. Keep hoping for the better days and for them to somehow, someday, stay with him. And I know that it's hopeless dreaming, but it feels like really the only thing I can do, to keep him in my thoughts and heart, keep just being there for him and available at all times without uttering words. He's my main priority so yes, I would literally drop everything for him if or when he comes back to me. He's a mess, but I really do love him. Not despite of that, but including that.
I don't mean that I love his suffering, of course, but I do mean that I love all that is him, including darkness and chaos. And if not else, it's something that we have in common. So I believe that makes it easier for me to love those parts of him too, cause they're not always so different from my own such parts. I think it also helps with me trying to help him, that my own darkness helps to know what kind of support would be worthwhile.
Just knowing what phrases to say should be avoided and what actions too. Like, what kind of support would I want? Then that helps in other aspects too, that I know him at least fairly well.
I've run out of words. I just feel so damn uncomfortable in my skin. Suddenly I thought about M, or one of all the people I've known who's name starts with an M. And it just hit me that maybe he could never be with me or like me as a guy. When we met, I had just come out of the closet and didn't pass very well. But I started passing better when I went on hormones for the first time during 2010 and it didn't seem to bother him.
What eventually broke off our intimate relationship was that he got a girlfriend who was not okay with us snogging. I remember our last kiss was forbidden and it got her really mad. I didn't even know, cause they told me afterwards. I don't even know why I suddenly got the idea that he "dumped" me because of my gender identity. But he was/is more or less straight and everyone around me was worried about that. The two of us being so intimate and it clashing with his sexual orientation.
It's not unusual for me. I was with quite a few straight men even after I came out of that closet and started on hormones. To me it never mattered, as long as they respected me and my body they could call themselves whatever they wanted. I was in love with him however, not very deeply, but still in love. I wanted much more than he was prepared to give me. He's a few years older than me but not that many, I believe he turned 32 or if it was 34 this year. We were on the same wave length, but didn't have all that much in common.
I remember at one point I almost forced him to go on a date with me, outside of the party world, after I had stated that we never saw each other if it wasn't at parties. I saw him sober and not at a party only a handful of times during those two or so years that we knew each other. Mostly we just kissed and snogged. Sometimes we talked too but it was much more of the former. Sometimes I just miss it, but not that much. I was angry at him for just suddenly breaking off whatever it was that we had, completely without warning.
This is just me having trouble letting go of my past. It still lingers and haunts me. Now I'm getting myself drunk again for no reason, for every reason. I'm still torn apart about K, I still don't know what to do, but sometimes I tend to kinda forget about it, but then it comes back to me again.
Thursday, 26 November 2015
To be continued
My thoughts shatter and I lie awake. Am I too caring, too worried, too much in love? I can't feel anything. I can't sleep. I've been literally forcing myself to do so for hours now, thinking just a little bit more but it's just 6:30 and I need to sleep so much more today. So I took 8 Lergigan and 2 Mirtazapin, smoked a bit and visited tumblr.
I worry so much for you K, but I care more than I worry. I wish I could do anything, anything at all than just sit here and do nothing. Watching you wither is much more painful than withering myself. I'm too tired to even know what I'm thinking right now.
I worry so much for you K, but I care more than I worry. I wish I could do anything, anything at all than just sit here and do nothing. Watching you wither is much more painful than withering myself. I'm too tired to even know what I'm thinking right now.
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
Unable to function
Ugh, one of those nights again. I dreamed that I had sex with the person I assaulted all those 17 years ago and it woke me up so abruptly thinking I had shit myself (but I had not) somewhere around 2:30. In the dream we were both the age we are now. Smoked in bed to calm myself down before I dived into the sheets again, mumbled here we go again and fell asleep once more.
Is it just me or do I dream more awful shit lately than ever before? Of course, with everything in my mind that I can remember being on the surface, now after all my intensive digging, and mix in my phobias and other random fears, loves, abandonment issues, trust issues and so on, what else can be expected. My mind can't cope. I have issues upon issues and the only way my mind can deal with it is by giving me dreams and nightmares. But that's not a good way of dealing, as it's not working and it's not stopping.
Sure, that might work when it's about just dealing with one bad day, but a whole life? Things too awful to write down anywhere or tell to anyone? Then I think my mind is just clueless on what to possibly do about the situation. It feels like it's just doing all it can, but I still wish it would stop, cause clearly it's going about it the completely wrong way and only making things worse.
I'm in coldsweat and unbelievably tired and messed up because of that dream. Five hours later but that doesn't seem to matter. Time matters so little to me, at least in that sense. Maybe five hours is nothing. I don't know. I sleep more these days cause I never feel rested cause of all those dreams. I haven't pulled an all nighter in quite a long time, instead I can barely stay awake for five hours even, so I take naps all the time. My sleep really is a mess and at one point my mother and I agreed that I kinda have every sleep problem they have a name for.
Anyhow, time to leave for school. I've never been as bad as I was at school today. My body is just crumbling beneath me. I've been shaking and cold sweating, my nose constantly running, and my mind just not there. I'm so sensitive, I just cried in front of the same classmate for the second time. She must think I'm like made of glass or something. Or I highly doubt she's judging me for it, it's more like I'm judging myself. Me and my single tears by now... don't even know what's up with that.
And how the fuck am I supposed to dress for school when I'm sweating, which makes me even colder and if I dress up more I'd likely sweat more too. Just... there's no fucking winning and on my way home I just shattered. I was a heartbeat away from dissociating and was shaking uncontrollably. I just feel like I won't survive this winter. And I keep thinking "what if I had at least had breakfast?" as if somehow that would have saved this horrible day.
And I'm still shaking but I did just eat and dress up in a bit warmer clothes. I'm still freezing and sweating. What is wrong with me? I can't function at school anymore, if it gets any harder than this... I don't even want to think about it. School has never been this hard before, it feels like I'm just falling apart. It's not just that it's cold, there's something wrong with me and I'm not functioning properly anymore.
I don't even know what to do. Should I stop going to school? More days like this and I might have to. I can't function there. I was barely even there mentally, mostly just sat in a corner with a cup of coffee or was outside smoking. Then arond 11:30 I was handed a piece of paper to read and I just couldn't. All I could think about was the shaking, the coldsweat and how I felt like dying.
Now I have to somehow get my temperature and my senses back to some kind of normal, I have about two hours before I need to be at the district health care clinic for my hormones. I'm beyond tired, I'm beyond exhausted but not sleepy or anything. Just shut off, unfocused. Now I'm just smoking and rocking myself, listening to music and trying to get all these words just out of me.
My hands are starting to warm up, but I'm shutting down further. And I'm still shaking. It's been an hour. I'm like warm and shivering at the same time, I don't understand. I can't hold together anymore. I might tell my mother almost everything much sooner than I've planned to cause I'm literally falling apart and have no idea what the fuck to do. I'm still cold sweating, will it ever stop? It's been going on since 2:30 this morning. That's nearly 12 hours. I am so sensitive for the smallest little thing happening. Like never ever before.
My hands are getting cold again. My clothes are soaking. I want to just step into the shower, turn on the hottest water and stand there until it's spring. Just waiting, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can feel. I'm so beyond tired of this now, and I'm just getting more tired. This song is just what I needed, now I can't tell apart the shivers from the frission. I'm just getting even colder. Am I getting a fever or something? What's happening?
Okay I got my shot of testosterone, and talked out with my mother a bit. Or quite a lot, but still. I guess I had just reached my breaking point. Now all the things I don't want to think about echo in my head. I'll still fast this weekend, if my body will even remotely allow me to. I have so much weight to lose. I could, heavy on could here, lose up to 4 kg a week during October, I should be able to lose 6 kg in 4 weeks. That's just 1,5 kg a week. Easy peasy.
Or it fucking should be. All these words from my conversation with my mother echo in my head, like just bouncing around in there completely without order. I'm trying to focus away from it, but easier said than done. And I want to sleep for 3 weeks but then I don't want to sleep cause I get nightmares. I just don't want to either sleep or be awake. I don't want to exist at all. But I can't stop existing, so instead I'll try to get down to 54 kg by next Wednesday. Weekly goals, the only thing that ever worked.
Is it just me or do I dream more awful shit lately than ever before? Of course, with everything in my mind that I can remember being on the surface, now after all my intensive digging, and mix in my phobias and other random fears, loves, abandonment issues, trust issues and so on, what else can be expected. My mind can't cope. I have issues upon issues and the only way my mind can deal with it is by giving me dreams and nightmares. But that's not a good way of dealing, as it's not working and it's not stopping.
Sure, that might work when it's about just dealing with one bad day, but a whole life? Things too awful to write down anywhere or tell to anyone? Then I think my mind is just clueless on what to possibly do about the situation. It feels like it's just doing all it can, but I still wish it would stop, cause clearly it's going about it the completely wrong way and only making things worse.
I'm in coldsweat and unbelievably tired and messed up because of that dream. Five hours later but that doesn't seem to matter. Time matters so little to me, at least in that sense. Maybe five hours is nothing. I don't know. I sleep more these days cause I never feel rested cause of all those dreams. I haven't pulled an all nighter in quite a long time, instead I can barely stay awake for five hours even, so I take naps all the time. My sleep really is a mess and at one point my mother and I agreed that I kinda have every sleep problem they have a name for.
Anyhow, time to leave for school. I've never been as bad as I was at school today. My body is just crumbling beneath me. I've been shaking and cold sweating, my nose constantly running, and my mind just not there. I'm so sensitive, I just cried in front of the same classmate for the second time. She must think I'm like made of glass or something. Or I highly doubt she's judging me for it, it's more like I'm judging myself. Me and my single tears by now... don't even know what's up with that.
And how the fuck am I supposed to dress for school when I'm sweating, which makes me even colder and if I dress up more I'd likely sweat more too. Just... there's no fucking winning and on my way home I just shattered. I was a heartbeat away from dissociating and was shaking uncontrollably. I just feel like I won't survive this winter. And I keep thinking "what if I had at least had breakfast?" as if somehow that would have saved this horrible day.
And I'm still shaking but I did just eat and dress up in a bit warmer clothes. I'm still freezing and sweating. What is wrong with me? I can't function at school anymore, if it gets any harder than this... I don't even want to think about it. School has never been this hard before, it feels like I'm just falling apart. It's not just that it's cold, there's something wrong with me and I'm not functioning properly anymore.
I don't even know what to do. Should I stop going to school? More days like this and I might have to. I can't function there. I was barely even there mentally, mostly just sat in a corner with a cup of coffee or was outside smoking. Then arond 11:30 I was handed a piece of paper to read and I just couldn't. All I could think about was the shaking, the coldsweat and how I felt like dying.
Now I have to somehow get my temperature and my senses back to some kind of normal, I have about two hours before I need to be at the district health care clinic for my hormones. I'm beyond tired, I'm beyond exhausted but not sleepy or anything. Just shut off, unfocused. Now I'm just smoking and rocking myself, listening to music and trying to get all these words just out of me.
My hands are starting to warm up, but I'm shutting down further. And I'm still shaking. It's been an hour. I'm like warm and shivering at the same time, I don't understand. I can't hold together anymore. I might tell my mother almost everything much sooner than I've planned to cause I'm literally falling apart and have no idea what the fuck to do. I'm still cold sweating, will it ever stop? It's been going on since 2:30 this morning. That's nearly 12 hours. I am so sensitive for the smallest little thing happening. Like never ever before.
My hands are getting cold again. My clothes are soaking. I want to just step into the shower, turn on the hottest water and stand there until it's spring. Just waiting, there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can feel. I'm so beyond tired of this now, and I'm just getting more tired. This song is just what I needed, now I can't tell apart the shivers from the frission. I'm just getting even colder. Am I getting a fever or something? What's happening?
Okay I got my shot of testosterone, and talked out with my mother a bit. Or quite a lot, but still. I guess I had just reached my breaking point. Now all the things I don't want to think about echo in my head. I'll still fast this weekend, if my body will even remotely allow me to. I have so much weight to lose. I could, heavy on could here, lose up to 4 kg a week during October, I should be able to lose 6 kg in 4 weeks. That's just 1,5 kg a week. Easy peasy.
Or it fucking should be. All these words from my conversation with my mother echo in my head, like just bouncing around in there completely without order. I'm trying to focus away from it, but easier said than done. And I want to sleep for 3 weeks but then I don't want to sleep cause I get nightmares. I just don't want to either sleep or be awake. I don't want to exist at all. But I can't stop existing, so instead I'll try to get down to 54 kg by next Wednesday. Weekly goals, the only thing that ever worked.
Still in pieces
Lost in my poems and the sadness they bring. I'm rocking myself again, at least it keeps me warm. These thoughts are killing me. I've had enough of everything, of this hunger that never stops and all this pain, I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep forever. So I just ate but I'm still torn apart between thoughts and feelings. Wanting to be able to say absolutely everything with just one poem but I don't even think that would be possible. I've tried though, and I keep trying.
And suddenly I snap back into reality again. It's all I can ever think of and the thought keeps ravaging my mind. And when reality hits I stop smiling and get that sinking, horribly painful feeling again. Like it all just washes away and it leaves me so empty. So in pieces. But my thoughts are all I have and these broken feelings I can't put together again.
As the sun goes down and the darkness slowly comes again, I feel heavier than before. I know I can't escape it and I shouldn't drink but all I can think about is how much I'd rather just drown the night before it comes. I'm restless for a future I can't have and devastated by the reality. It's been months, half a year, and I'm still in pieces. I think I forever will be. For as long as I hold on to him and I'll hold on forever.
Managed to escape to sleep to get out of boredom. It worked for those hours but now I'm awake and therefore bored again. Shifting faster between being too warm and too cold now. I have no idea what's going on. And yes I have my next shot of testosterone tomorrow, but rather late, at 15:15 or something like that. Still can't decide if I should go to school tomorrow or not. I know I should, but it's hella restraining "classes" and I just don't know if I'd even survive that. Yeah, we'll see what I'll do. Gotta be awake by the morning for starters, and I just woke up from the couch.
My latest selfie got 12 notes. I don't even understand. Half of all those people don't even follow me. Have to, have to, just fucking have to fast this weekend. Gotta give it more than just one try. I can't stand my fat and having been on the same weight for a fucking month.
Slowly getting too tired again, I guess I'll go to bed soon. I'm hungry but just can't allow myself more food for today. My body can complain however much it wants, I don't care. And I'll edit out a lot of text cause it's just not the time nor the place and I'm just rambling the same nonsense again and again. I'm so tired of myself and my lack of brain capacity lately. What even is there to say?
And suddenly I snap back into reality again. It's all I can ever think of and the thought keeps ravaging my mind. And when reality hits I stop smiling and get that sinking, horribly painful feeling again. Like it all just washes away and it leaves me so empty. So in pieces. But my thoughts are all I have and these broken feelings I can't put together again.
As the sun goes down and the darkness slowly comes again, I feel heavier than before. I know I can't escape it and I shouldn't drink but all I can think about is how much I'd rather just drown the night before it comes. I'm restless for a future I can't have and devastated by the reality. It's been months, half a year, and I'm still in pieces. I think I forever will be. For as long as I hold on to him and I'll hold on forever.
Managed to escape to sleep to get out of boredom. It worked for those hours but now I'm awake and therefore bored again. Shifting faster between being too warm and too cold now. I have no idea what's going on. And yes I have my next shot of testosterone tomorrow, but rather late, at 15:15 or something like that. Still can't decide if I should go to school tomorrow or not. I know I should, but it's hella restraining "classes" and I just don't know if I'd even survive that. Yeah, we'll see what I'll do. Gotta be awake by the morning for starters, and I just woke up from the couch.
My latest selfie got 12 notes. I don't even understand. Half of all those people don't even follow me. Have to, have to, just fucking have to fast this weekend. Gotta give it more than just one try. I can't stand my fat and having been on the same weight for a fucking month.
Slowly getting too tired again, I guess I'll go to bed soon. I'm hungry but just can't allow myself more food for today. My body can complain however much it wants, I don't care. And I'll edit out a lot of text cause it's just not the time nor the place and I'm just rambling the same nonsense again and again. I'm so tired of myself and my lack of brain capacity lately. What even is there to say?
Tuesday, 24 November 2015
Cold and tired
Somehow the night is over and it's Tuesday. School is cancelled today though. I'm so damn cold and tired, just want to crawl back into bed and stay there for the rest of the day. Just basically forced down a chicken salad right now, I'm so tired of that type of food by now. I'm shaking, can barely even sit still.
I won't reach my goal by Christmas, not this year either. Had over 1000 calories yesterday, but will try to make it less than 500 today. I'm still on the same weight no matter what though. Need to fast but just cannot. Maybe next weekend, maybe not. I don't know. It's been weeks since last time. I just feel like such a failure. If I can fast next weekend and all the weekends before Christmas I might be able to lose that weight, but not if I can't. It's just depressing me so much.
I slept on the couch this night, with something like fever dreams and constantly waking up. I was so warm then, basically throwing off my clothes and blankets, but now I'm so incredibly cold. It comes and goes, constantly shifting between being too warm and too cold again. I feel dying, though very slowly so. Just wishing for my heart to stop beating in my sleep or something. But that's likely not gonna happen.
My temperature is rising for no reason again. And I don't want to be awake and I don't want to sleep either. I was in bed for an hour, mostly thinking about stealing a kiss from K. Then I thought about other things about K too, but no sleep ever came my way, could barely even keep my eyes closed. Then smoked in bed, I don't care.
Unwillingly having coffee cause I have a caffeine addiction but it's gross. The sadness still tears me apart and I'm sick of it by now. I've been listening to The Crüxshadows since sometime yesterday now, the same favourite songs echoing in my headphones day and night. Now the gross coffee makes me feel sick but I still have to drink it. I'm causing myself a slight abstinence cause I can't stand it.
I can't force that many words out of me, although I'm trying cause I've got nothing better to do. Finally done with that coffee. Trying to fight all this emptiness, the long minutes so hollow that they echo. With no words, I truly feel empty. But stuck on my mind is that image of me stealing a kiss from K, wondering if it could ever happen. No, I'd more likely ask and accept it if I get a refusal. I stopped stealing things when life no longer had meaning.
And I'm half warm, half cold. It's like my body still hasn't recovered from the drinking, or from the still sort of ongoing starvation and all this dehydration. And I've been wondering what if I did a full health check up, would anything at all be wrong with me? Would it show signs of malnutrition, dehydration, a defected heart? Or will it still take more for any of that to happen?
I'm curious, but hardly worried. Just me and my never ending curiosity. I change the music for no reason, I'm all out of reasons. My body is so uncomfortable, I keep wanting to just crawl out of my skin. I'm not feeling so well today, despite having rested, having had both coffee and food, so maybe it was for the best that there was no school. And I think it's time for my next shot of testosterone tomorrow so I won't have to worry about school that day either.
Yes, finally my foundation has arrived, just need to pick it up from where they sent it. Will do so today but not right now. I don't know, I haven't decided yet, for when I will go. Hey, I washed my hands for the first time in days, maybe I'll brush my teeth for the first time in just about as long too? Gonna need a shower too before tomorrow at least. No, I don't even wash my hands or brush my teeth every day, hardly even every other day. I'm just lazy and have given up, but I try to look decent/clean during school at least. Try, don't always succeed to as I keep forgetting it.
Yeah, I've got my foundations on right now along with some transparent powder and really light shading. It's definitely the best type of foundation I've tried so far and will stick to it. Damn, it costed me nearly 800 kr altogether... better last me a while. I've nearly stopped taking my morning medication by now, I've taken maybe two doses in the past two weeks. I don't notice it much, but then I have so much else going on that if I do experience any kind of withdrawal it probably just disappears into the rest of the mess.
There's not much left in my life that I actually care about nowadays, except from a few people, but I don't really think that's the same thing. I mean I don't care about myself anymore. About sleep, medication, food or anything along those lines. Only things I still do care about is looking decent in public and being able to stand up every once in a while. I really do feel like I'm painting a decaying house that is falling apart from the foundation when I put on make-up on my face and dress up in half fancy clothes.
Like it's all for show, but I'm falling apart inside. I just won't let people see that. But me letting my dark circles under my eyes show through, and wearing the same outfits day in and day out, could be seen as a sign of something. But people are so easily beguiled, so easily fooled, I hardly have to try at all. Just don't stink more than cigarette smoke, don't look like trash, don't let them see me crumble.
Trying to not be bothered by the coldness cause I'll soon get too warm again, most likely. My body is hungry again, I don't feel like eating any more today, but I probably will. I'm having a protein shake, lunch is served. It's chilling me to the bone though, as it always does. And I keep updating tumblr then going back to my writing and back to tumblr, I have no life. Not today, not ever.
I won't reach my goal by Christmas, not this year either. Had over 1000 calories yesterday, but will try to make it less than 500 today. I'm still on the same weight no matter what though. Need to fast but just cannot. Maybe next weekend, maybe not. I don't know. It's been weeks since last time. I just feel like such a failure. If I can fast next weekend and all the weekends before Christmas I might be able to lose that weight, but not if I can't. It's just depressing me so much.
I slept on the couch this night, with something like fever dreams and constantly waking up. I was so warm then, basically throwing off my clothes and blankets, but now I'm so incredibly cold. It comes and goes, constantly shifting between being too warm and too cold again. I feel dying, though very slowly so. Just wishing for my heart to stop beating in my sleep or something. But that's likely not gonna happen.
My temperature is rising for no reason again. And I don't want to be awake and I don't want to sleep either. I was in bed for an hour, mostly thinking about stealing a kiss from K. Then I thought about other things about K too, but no sleep ever came my way, could barely even keep my eyes closed. Then smoked in bed, I don't care.
Unwillingly having coffee cause I have a caffeine addiction but it's gross. The sadness still tears me apart and I'm sick of it by now. I've been listening to The Crüxshadows since sometime yesterday now, the same favourite songs echoing in my headphones day and night. Now the gross coffee makes me feel sick but I still have to drink it. I'm causing myself a slight abstinence cause I can't stand it.
I can't force that many words out of me, although I'm trying cause I've got nothing better to do. Finally done with that coffee. Trying to fight all this emptiness, the long minutes so hollow that they echo. With no words, I truly feel empty. But stuck on my mind is that image of me stealing a kiss from K, wondering if it could ever happen. No, I'd more likely ask and accept it if I get a refusal. I stopped stealing things when life no longer had meaning.
And I'm half warm, half cold. It's like my body still hasn't recovered from the drinking, or from the still sort of ongoing starvation and all this dehydration. And I've been wondering what if I did a full health check up, would anything at all be wrong with me? Would it show signs of malnutrition, dehydration, a defected heart? Or will it still take more for any of that to happen?
I'm curious, but hardly worried. Just me and my never ending curiosity. I change the music for no reason, I'm all out of reasons. My body is so uncomfortable, I keep wanting to just crawl out of my skin. I'm not feeling so well today, despite having rested, having had both coffee and food, so maybe it was for the best that there was no school. And I think it's time for my next shot of testosterone tomorrow so I won't have to worry about school that day either.
Yes, finally my foundation has arrived, just need to pick it up from where they sent it. Will do so today but not right now. I don't know, I haven't decided yet, for when I will go. Hey, I washed my hands for the first time in days, maybe I'll brush my teeth for the first time in just about as long too? Gonna need a shower too before tomorrow at least. No, I don't even wash my hands or brush my teeth every day, hardly even every other day. I'm just lazy and have given up, but I try to look decent/clean during school at least. Try, don't always succeed to as I keep forgetting it.
Yeah, I've got my foundations on right now along with some transparent powder and really light shading. It's definitely the best type of foundation I've tried so far and will stick to it. Damn, it costed me nearly 800 kr altogether... better last me a while. I've nearly stopped taking my morning medication by now, I've taken maybe two doses in the past two weeks. I don't notice it much, but then I have so much else going on that if I do experience any kind of withdrawal it probably just disappears into the rest of the mess.
There's not much left in my life that I actually care about nowadays, except from a few people, but I don't really think that's the same thing. I mean I don't care about myself anymore. About sleep, medication, food or anything along those lines. Only things I still do care about is looking decent in public and being able to stand up every once in a while. I really do feel like I'm painting a decaying house that is falling apart from the foundation when I put on make-up on my face and dress up in half fancy clothes.
Like it's all for show, but I'm falling apart inside. I just won't let people see that. But me letting my dark circles under my eyes show through, and wearing the same outfits day in and day out, could be seen as a sign of something. But people are so easily beguiled, so easily fooled, I hardly have to try at all. Just don't stink more than cigarette smoke, don't look like trash, don't let them see me crumble.
Trying to not be bothered by the coldness cause I'll soon get too warm again, most likely. My body is hungry again, I don't feel like eating any more today, but I probably will. I'm having a protein shake, lunch is served. It's chilling me to the bone though, as it always does. And I keep updating tumblr then going back to my writing and back to tumblr, I have no life. Not today, not ever.
Monday, 23 November 2015
Sorrow and sadness
Oh my god, I'm so getting pizza today. I'm just mildly hungover, but still. I was dreaming about being awake afraid of falling asleep, right before I went up. Or was it the other way around? It was very confusing. Damn my head hurts. Not because of that, but in general. And suddenly I get a heat flush, or what to say. Could be because of eating in combination with coffee, or I don't know, feeling like shit in general.
It constantly smells like food in here, I can't fucking stand it. I'm waiting for that damn foundation to come so that I could like pick it up when going to the grocery store so I won't have to go twice, but I don't think it's gonna come today. I'll give it another hour, then I'm going whether it's come or not. Finally down to normal temperature again, which means I'm freezing. I'm never just warm enough, sigh.
Time for some Treo, my head is just hurting too much right now. Is it much, that I take painkillers about once every other week? It's usually for my head or my stomach, when it gets unbearable. Now just waiting for the effect... I had to lower the music volume for my damn headache. Can't it get better soon?
I think maybe my headache is finally starting to decrease now. Not by much though. It's only been about 15 minutes. Headache is so special though, isn't it? Compared to other physical pains, I mean. How it can cripple you so much. I know it's crippled me for the past 11 years. I need to go soon, before it gets dark. I don't want to though. But I have to, running out of cigarettes and I have nothing to eat or drink except coffee.
I'm never saving out my nails again, or at least I don't think so. All the attention I got for that before, about half a year ago, it was just insane. People have literally never been so confused about my gender before then, it just hit me really hard. So yeah, ultimately, this rotten society is deciding what I'm doing with my nails. So I keep them short and unpainted these days, although I wish I could have them really long and beautiful again. Like claws or vampire nails has always been my inspiration. But somehow people just see it as simply too damn feminine. I can't stand their shitty opinions.
So, there's that shopping out of the way. It's so cold outside now, the frost in the grass doesn't melt during the day. Finally managed to compose another poem, feels like it was ages ago. One of those abstract, not really directed at anyone, kind of poems. Just me spewing out words, basically. I'll soon eat again, but dragging it out. I'm feeling the sadness coming in waves today, some moments it's strong, others it's barely even there. But it feels heavy, like a thick cloak draped over me. A sorrow veil. Sorrow and sadness, they seem to tie together today.
Will soon have my pizza, I'll eat it from the box cause I have no clean plates. Haven't had that in ages, so I'll eat from anything these days. I've had most of my pizza, it was disappointing somehow. Now I'm just aching tiredness and sadness. Tired of constantly coughing today. And my nose keeps on running but I have no cold. It's just the way it is, and has been for a long time now. Longer than the headache even.
And it's been almost two weeks since I last let the crew in. My apartment is pretty gross and I just stopped caring. They can't scare me into better behaviour, obviously. They tried. They've tried a lot of things. And I'm scared to tell them exactly how much I don't care. How I just want to disappear into nothingness and be done with the whole world.
But there will likely not be any disappearance, not yet for a while at least, and I'm stuck in my mess. The actual and the figurative. I don't think I've ever let my apartment get this disgusting before, it's really horrible. But then again, the mess inside my head is quite horrible too. They reflect each other somehow. All those words I don't want to think about, I wish they would stop invading my head. That meeting, it was weeks ago now, I still can't let it go.
And it's a fact that my brain keeps reminding me of things people said months ago, years ago, even decades ago. Some words just never leave me. I just can't move on, I get stuck in time and it just repeats and repeats until forever. It's tiring, it causes anxiety and makes me want to die even more so that it would just stop. Sometimes I can't talk to people at all because I fear that what's being said will be stuck with me forever. My memory is taunting me.
I'm so thirsty but I still can't drink water. I think my dehydration has gotten even worse by now or I'm just hangover, I don't know. It takes longer for my body to recover from my drunkenness these days because I can't drink water. I still wonder when it will actually be damaging for my body, when it will take its toll and tip me over. It's bound to happen at some point, I can't keep going like this forever, can I? I'm getting some kind of dizzy-nauseous feeling all of a sudden, it's like a mix between the two and not very nice.
Suddenly I get this urge to just set everything on fire. I won't, of course, but still. That would take care of this awful smell at least. What a heart warming fantasy. To just set it all on fire, lean back with a cigarette and die either from the smoke or the flames. So tempting. It would illuminate some of all this never ending darkness. But I'll keep it as a fantasy, wouldn't want to kill my neighbours in the process anyway. Why drag them into my death?
It constantly smells like food in here, I can't fucking stand it. I'm waiting for that damn foundation to come so that I could like pick it up when going to the grocery store so I won't have to go twice, but I don't think it's gonna come today. I'll give it another hour, then I'm going whether it's come or not. Finally down to normal temperature again, which means I'm freezing. I'm never just warm enough, sigh.
Time for some Treo, my head is just hurting too much right now. Is it much, that I take painkillers about once every other week? It's usually for my head or my stomach, when it gets unbearable. Now just waiting for the effect... I had to lower the music volume for my damn headache. Can't it get better soon?
I think maybe my headache is finally starting to decrease now. Not by much though. It's only been about 15 minutes. Headache is so special though, isn't it? Compared to other physical pains, I mean. How it can cripple you so much. I know it's crippled me for the past 11 years. I need to go soon, before it gets dark. I don't want to though. But I have to, running out of cigarettes and I have nothing to eat or drink except coffee.
I'm never saving out my nails again, or at least I don't think so. All the attention I got for that before, about half a year ago, it was just insane. People have literally never been so confused about my gender before then, it just hit me really hard. So yeah, ultimately, this rotten society is deciding what I'm doing with my nails. So I keep them short and unpainted these days, although I wish I could have them really long and beautiful again. Like claws or vampire nails has always been my inspiration. But somehow people just see it as simply too damn feminine. I can't stand their shitty opinions.
So, there's that shopping out of the way. It's so cold outside now, the frost in the grass doesn't melt during the day. Finally managed to compose another poem, feels like it was ages ago. One of those abstract, not really directed at anyone, kind of poems. Just me spewing out words, basically. I'll soon eat again, but dragging it out. I'm feeling the sadness coming in waves today, some moments it's strong, others it's barely even there. But it feels heavy, like a thick cloak draped over me. A sorrow veil. Sorrow and sadness, they seem to tie together today.
Will soon have my pizza, I'll eat it from the box cause I have no clean plates. Haven't had that in ages, so I'll eat from anything these days. I've had most of my pizza, it was disappointing somehow. Now I'm just aching tiredness and sadness. Tired of constantly coughing today. And my nose keeps on running but I have no cold. It's just the way it is, and has been for a long time now. Longer than the headache even.
And it's been almost two weeks since I last let the crew in. My apartment is pretty gross and I just stopped caring. They can't scare me into better behaviour, obviously. They tried. They've tried a lot of things. And I'm scared to tell them exactly how much I don't care. How I just want to disappear into nothingness and be done with the whole world.
But there will likely not be any disappearance, not yet for a while at least, and I'm stuck in my mess. The actual and the figurative. I don't think I've ever let my apartment get this disgusting before, it's really horrible. But then again, the mess inside my head is quite horrible too. They reflect each other somehow. All those words I don't want to think about, I wish they would stop invading my head. That meeting, it was weeks ago now, I still can't let it go.
And it's a fact that my brain keeps reminding me of things people said months ago, years ago, even decades ago. Some words just never leave me. I just can't move on, I get stuck in time and it just repeats and repeats until forever. It's tiring, it causes anxiety and makes me want to die even more so that it would just stop. Sometimes I can't talk to people at all because I fear that what's being said will be stuck with me forever. My memory is taunting me.
I'm so thirsty but I still can't drink water. I think my dehydration has gotten even worse by now or I'm just hangover, I don't know. It takes longer for my body to recover from my drunkenness these days because I can't drink water. I still wonder when it will actually be damaging for my body, when it will take its toll and tip me over. It's bound to happen at some point, I can't keep going like this forever, can I? I'm getting some kind of dizzy-nauseous feeling all of a sudden, it's like a mix between the two and not very nice.
Suddenly I get this urge to just set everything on fire. I won't, of course, but still. That would take care of this awful smell at least. What a heart warming fantasy. To just set it all on fire, lean back with a cigarette and die either from the smoke or the flames. So tempting. It would illuminate some of all this never ending darkness. But I'll keep it as a fantasy, wouldn't want to kill my neighbours in the process anyway. Why drag them into my death?
I'm not scared
Napped on the couch for a while, woke up 4:30-ish. Just continue drinking as if nothing happened. Damn, I slept all my drunkenness away, now I have to start over again. I'm running out of vodka again though. But won't buy more before next weekend. And music makes up for the suicide I can't commit. My thoughts take me places I don't ever want to be. Why? Why would they do that? I feel so beyond fucked up for my half illegal feelings (cause the feelings themselves can't be illegal, but the actions would be) and it's just tearing me apart all over again.
I wish I could tell someone about them, yet I don't want for anyone to know. Those feelings shouldn't even exist. In anyone at all. Just why do I collect darkness like flies are drawn to sugar? I'm tired of it, of never really being in my right mind. Of thinking these dark thoughts until I crumble beneath them. I don't even know when, why or how they first arose. How did I get that extremely messed up idea in my head? Probably from tv. Probably all those endless movies and tv-shows feeding me ideas. And now I can't get rid of it.
My mind is just so fucking dark and awful I don't even know where to start. And that thought, would be somewhere where I'd end. One of the last things you'd ever tell anybody. Even at gun point I'd keep my mouth shut. It would condemn me and of course, I'd rather die than let that piece of information about me leak out. I've tried to bury it, to stop thinking about it completely and somewhat move on from it, but it just doesn't work that way. Feelings might not last, but they always come back, and in that sense, they do last.
At least that kind of feelings. I've noticed they're in that category that will always stay with you. Like sexuality, it really isn't that far off from it. Like some kind of twisted fantasy that you cannot just ever let go of. It's been years. And it's staying. I don't want to think about it yet I do. I don't want to feel it yet I do. And my brain just keeps on reminding me. And it's just conflicts upon conflicts in my head, and they never fucking end.
I've had so much food today like seriously what the fuck. It's probably close to 1000 calories. And I'm finally getting drunk again. It took another 3 drinks. So I'm up at 7 now but barely even drunk. Damn sleep, ruining half of everything. Oh, they'll call soon, it's 7:00 am. The crew, that is. Me liking K's posts sometimes on tumblr, oh I'm not interested in the picture/gif, I'm liking him. It's not always like that though, but sometimes I just want to show my support or something, that hey I'm still here, just if and in case of anything.
And K, I would never actually do anything without your full consent. If we meet in person again, or in any situation, you know I always ask first. My questions might be weird as fuck, but you always have the option to decline. Whatever weird propositions I might have. I hope you've more than noticed my extreme caution. I'm still, perhaps overly, scared of hurting you. So I'm just always making sure you've agreed to everything before I go ahead, no matter what it's about.
Where are my thoughts? Perhaps a little bit of everywhere. Time for my morning coffee, although I doubt it will keep me awake that very long. Oh how I wish K would agree to be with me for just one night and then no more. Just one night. And I'd give up forever to touch you... I'd give up more than that though. I'd give up everything, fucking everything I have.
And I don't know if it can ever happen, maybe some kind of agreement, I don't know. I think they're both safe enough with me, but attracted? How can I ever even know. If they'd ever give me that chance, I wouldn't screw it up, not for anything in the world. How do I ever prepare for telling them? I'd have to prepare somehow or they might be "too busy" or something. Gah I can't stand it when everyone I really need to see suddenly are "too busy" like what the fuck? Take some responsibility!
I'm not trying to wreck your worlds or anything, fucking far from it. I'm here to give you my support, but you need to know. It's almost been as if people kinda seem to think if they just avoid me long enough the "problem" that they're not even aware of would go away. News flash, it doesn't work that way! Most of the time they don't even have the slightest clue what it's about either. It's as if they just assume it's something bad that when or if I actually do get to tell they're like "oh... that's not bad at all" and I'm like yeah I fucking tried to tell you so.
I really do hope they won't avoid me this spring. Maybe I won't say a daft, just to keep them from wanting to back away from me. I really couldn't handle that too. Like I only want to declare my love to K and if he thinks it's a good idea, let his partner know too. I'll talk to him first no matter what though. He's my main focus, he always will be.
But fact remains that it's of utter importance that I get to see him this upcoming spring. I really can't stress that enough. Hopefully in some kind of low key environment, not much or any other people around us. We'll see what I can arrange. I'm not afraid of telling him, I don't think he'll reject me or want more distance. No, I'd rather think he'd either be like "oh damn" or embrace me in a hug. Or both, what do I know. No, I'm not scared. It's something else gnawing at me still, but it's not fear.
I feel so safe with him, no reaction of his could scare me. He doesn't scare me, not one least bit. Not his darkness, not anything. This sadness still tears me apart, I cannot close my eyes, but yet I do, yet I do. I'll likely fall asleep soon so I guess I'll just post this now.
I wish I could tell someone about them, yet I don't want for anyone to know. Those feelings shouldn't even exist. In anyone at all. Just why do I collect darkness like flies are drawn to sugar? I'm tired of it, of never really being in my right mind. Of thinking these dark thoughts until I crumble beneath them. I don't even know when, why or how they first arose. How did I get that extremely messed up idea in my head? Probably from tv. Probably all those endless movies and tv-shows feeding me ideas. And now I can't get rid of it.
My mind is just so fucking dark and awful I don't even know where to start. And that thought, would be somewhere where I'd end. One of the last things you'd ever tell anybody. Even at gun point I'd keep my mouth shut. It would condemn me and of course, I'd rather die than let that piece of information about me leak out. I've tried to bury it, to stop thinking about it completely and somewhat move on from it, but it just doesn't work that way. Feelings might not last, but they always come back, and in that sense, they do last.
At least that kind of feelings. I've noticed they're in that category that will always stay with you. Like sexuality, it really isn't that far off from it. Like some kind of twisted fantasy that you cannot just ever let go of. It's been years. And it's staying. I don't want to think about it yet I do. I don't want to feel it yet I do. And my brain just keeps on reminding me. And it's just conflicts upon conflicts in my head, and they never fucking end.
I've had so much food today like seriously what the fuck. It's probably close to 1000 calories. And I'm finally getting drunk again. It took another 3 drinks. So I'm up at 7 now but barely even drunk. Damn sleep, ruining half of everything. Oh, they'll call soon, it's 7:00 am. The crew, that is. Me liking K's posts sometimes on tumblr, oh I'm not interested in the picture/gif, I'm liking him. It's not always like that though, but sometimes I just want to show my support or something, that hey I'm still here, just if and in case of anything.
And K, I would never actually do anything without your full consent. If we meet in person again, or in any situation, you know I always ask first. My questions might be weird as fuck, but you always have the option to decline. Whatever weird propositions I might have. I hope you've more than noticed my extreme caution. I'm still, perhaps overly, scared of hurting you. So I'm just always making sure you've agreed to everything before I go ahead, no matter what it's about.
Where are my thoughts? Perhaps a little bit of everywhere. Time for my morning coffee, although I doubt it will keep me awake that very long. Oh how I wish K would agree to be with me for just one night and then no more. Just one night. And I'd give up forever to touch you... I'd give up more than that though. I'd give up everything, fucking everything I have.
And I don't know if it can ever happen, maybe some kind of agreement, I don't know. I think they're both safe enough with me, but attracted? How can I ever even know. If they'd ever give me that chance, I wouldn't screw it up, not for anything in the world. How do I ever prepare for telling them? I'd have to prepare somehow or they might be "too busy" or something. Gah I can't stand it when everyone I really need to see suddenly are "too busy" like what the fuck? Take some responsibility!
I'm not trying to wreck your worlds or anything, fucking far from it. I'm here to give you my support, but you need to know. It's almost been as if people kinda seem to think if they just avoid me long enough the "problem" that they're not even aware of would go away. News flash, it doesn't work that way! Most of the time they don't even have the slightest clue what it's about either. It's as if they just assume it's something bad that when or if I actually do get to tell they're like "oh... that's not bad at all" and I'm like yeah I fucking tried to tell you so.
I really do hope they won't avoid me this spring. Maybe I won't say a daft, just to keep them from wanting to back away from me. I really couldn't handle that too. Like I only want to declare my love to K and if he thinks it's a good idea, let his partner know too. I'll talk to him first no matter what though. He's my main focus, he always will be.
But fact remains that it's of utter importance that I get to see him this upcoming spring. I really can't stress that enough. Hopefully in some kind of low key environment, not much or any other people around us. We'll see what I can arrange. I'm not afraid of telling him, I don't think he'll reject me or want more distance. No, I'd rather think he'd either be like "oh damn" or embrace me in a hug. Or both, what do I know. No, I'm not scared. It's something else gnawing at me still, but it's not fear.
I feel so safe with him, no reaction of his could scare me. He doesn't scare me, not one least bit. Not his darkness, not anything. This sadness still tears me apart, I cannot close my eyes, but yet I do, yet I do. I'll likely fall asleep soon so I guess I'll just post this now.
Drunken despair and all the rest
It's like I still keep some kind of distance even though I really don't need to. It's been so long since we talked and suddenly you're just there. Words flowed out of me but I still didn't know exactly what to say. You've been missed, very much, much more than I dare to tell you, and I've never really been good with these kind of situations. I believe I've changed since last time we spoke, so there's that too. But I always have changed in the past without that ever getting between us. You always recognise me anyway.
And I gave you a thought each passing day, but never sent you anything. I guess we both suck at keeping in touch. The ocean between us sometimes seems much bigger than it really is, doesn't it? There's something daunting about that, to me. And I've been talking to walls for months, the echoes became my answers. I always felt so distant, lost somewhere within myself. It's rattling within me, like dead leaves caught in the wind. Suddenly they seem alive again.
It smells like garbage in here, over the cigarette smoke. There's garbage everywhere around me. And the flies gather in thick herds around it. I'm disgusted and despondent. Change to another song, fill up that drink glass again. Cause here we go with the drinking again. My body still hasn't recovered from yesterday's drinking, I'm still shivering, weak and tired and my brain still isn't working properly. And I drink about half a bottle of vodka per session these days. I'm still trying to drown my thoughts and feelings, but what am I even trying to drown tonight? There's nothing left to drown.
Shouldn't that make me satisfied, that I somehow seem to have managed to drown everything? I just feel empty. Like a shell, and there's nothing inside me anymore. It's just echoing in there when I call out. I get no response from my brain at all. Just one of those days, I guess, but I still can't help but wonder exactly what I might have successfully killed in there.
One glass down, I don't even know what I'm doing. Satisfying an addiction, perhaps. Am I addicted? Mentally, at least. It comes and goes, like much else. Oh my god I really do want to weigh just 38 kg. Cause it's 83 lbs and that's the same number reversed and it would give me a BMI of just 13,5. That would be skeletal enough, that would make me just skin and bones. But I just know somewhere in my heart I will never manage to reach a weight that low. If I'll die before then or just not be able to do it, I don't know.
But it's a goal nonetheless. Will my ugw just keep getting lower? At first it was 60 kg, then 57, then 50, then 47, then 44 and now 38. It's gone down to less than half of my starting weight, which was 80 kg. I'm getting cold and tired again. Don't want to change to a warmer sweater again. The cigarette smoke hurts in my throat again. I'm cold and want K to hold me. But he's miles and miles, endless of miles away.
I'm yawning so bad I kill my jaws again. Not sure if they're dislocated but not fucking far from it at least. Gotta be more careful with that.
Y, and I miss writing to you too, but I'm giving you the time you need as well as I can. You have a lot going on right now, I'm aware of that. And I don't know if I need to say it, but I am sorry for always getting so emotional and attached especially when I'm drunk. I'm glad it was okay with you that I brought that up however, and that you also think we should find a more personal way. Your short messages do give me reassurance and calm me too. Don't think that they aren't good enough, if you do, cause they really are. They mean a lot to me. Also, your most recent quote made me shiver all over, like damn. In a good way, I never know if "shiver" is the correct word to describe what's going on with my body and mind. But it's the closest word I've got.
Okay, now I'm starting to feel the booze, three fucking glasses in. Sometimes this slow brain of mine really is slow started, for some reason. I can barely breathe again. I'm smoking way too much, my lungs can barely cope. Like every breath is strained somehow, it's hard to explain, but it kinda feels like my throat is swollen or something. Or like there's freaking smoke in my airways. Wonder how come.
My body so doesn't want me to get drunk again, I can feel it in my every fibre, but am I listening? Not much. I mean I do take the information in but then I decide to not give a single fuck. I'll take it easy tomorrow though, won't go to school, but need to buy cigarettes so will do that even if I'm entirely a wreck. Need to have my smokes, just really fucking need to. Then I can be severely hungover or whatever, I don't care. But I can't keep doing this, I can't afford it. Maybe if I stop buying food and energy drinks, but even if then, money is tight.
And I know I shouldn't prioritise booze before food, but I'm an eating disordered alcoholic, what do you expect me to do? I don't know for sure if I can be categorised as an alcoholic but I'm not really striving for sobriety either. In periods I drink everything away, then I "take it easy" and like only socially drink and so for a while, before I'm back to drinking everything away again. It's been 2010, 2013 and now 2015 with almost sober periods in between. It never entirely leaves me but it never entirely stays either. I don't understand it, so I call myself a "part time alcoholic" with just no better way to describe it.
My thoughts are depressing me with impossible scenarios again. Things I want to tell K and things I'd want him to say in return, but the likeliness of that ever happening is so fucking close to zero percent, like why do I even bother. And that was just so weird... no I think I'll keep that one to myself. One of my rather weird kinks that I just randomly imagined telling him about, with him included sort of.
Yes... asexuals can have kinks too, it's just that they mostly also disgust me and cause conflicts in my head. Back when I was a member on AVEN, over there I found some useful information, about something called "fetishist asexuals" or something like that, cause I doubt that was the actual term, but something along those lines, described me perfectly. I'll have a lot of sex in my mind including kinks and like... it's as forbidden as ever can be, but I'd like for it to stay in my mind. Most of it at least. Some of the not forbidden stuff I can imagine trying out with someone, like K, in the future if he'd ever be interested.
Or possible someone else if I ever get into that mindset again. I'm more open minded than I might seem, just not on most days. It's been years now, since I actually was with another person that way. And I don't miss it much. Like the only one I really want to be with is K, but then I can imagine being with other people too, if like the moment is right or whatever. But as I lock my heart, and my last few remaining sparks of a lust, for him, I know I might die never having had sex again and I'm somehow completely fine with that.
Like, I've had my adventures. I've had so much fun, danger and adventures it's actually kinda crazy. How much of that I packed into those 6 or so years. 14 people and a lot of uninhibited insanity. It's almost worth dying for. How it ranged from devastatingly horrible to beyond amazing and everything in between. Mostly it was horrible though. Mostly it was jaded desperations, drugs and drunkenness that led me to it. Is that sad?
That mostly I just used sex as another form of self harm thinking it should be the best thing ever no matter how I achieved it. My late teenage years and early twenties were mostly like that, regarding anything, but oh how I longed for that senseless sex that could never last. It hurt me, it thrilled me and excited me like nothing else. So how come I just suddenly sort of reverted and said no to it all? Was it the memories, or was it something else? Common sense? That I'm fucking everything up including, oh very much, including that?
Maybe I just got too damaged by the pain it brought me, that I could never do it right. That it was either just shallow or self harm, and I can only count to two or three of all those 14 people where it was not like that. Where it was something deeper, something even remotely meaningful about it. Maybe most of it was just tragic. I think it was, and I do think that a great part of me now, wants that if it's ever gonna happen again, it better be a hella lot meaningful and beautiful for me to even pursue it.
And I'm not saying that K is the only one I'm ever gonna let touch me that way, but I'm saying it's a possibility. Oh my god, K I'm sorry for laughing out really loud at your latest tumblr post, it's hilarious but I do understand your pain, like oh my god. I hope the cleaning up won't be too messy. And I'd love to send you a message any minute of the day, but I keep my distance and I'll wait for you to come to me. We have our understanding/agreement and I respect you enough to keep my word, even though it hurts, and I just want to talk to you.
And I gave you a thought each passing day, but never sent you anything. I guess we both suck at keeping in touch. The ocean between us sometimes seems much bigger than it really is, doesn't it? There's something daunting about that, to me. And I've been talking to walls for months, the echoes became my answers. I always felt so distant, lost somewhere within myself. It's rattling within me, like dead leaves caught in the wind. Suddenly they seem alive again.
It smells like garbage in here, over the cigarette smoke. There's garbage everywhere around me. And the flies gather in thick herds around it. I'm disgusted and despondent. Change to another song, fill up that drink glass again. Cause here we go with the drinking again. My body still hasn't recovered from yesterday's drinking, I'm still shivering, weak and tired and my brain still isn't working properly. And I drink about half a bottle of vodka per session these days. I'm still trying to drown my thoughts and feelings, but what am I even trying to drown tonight? There's nothing left to drown.
Shouldn't that make me satisfied, that I somehow seem to have managed to drown everything? I just feel empty. Like a shell, and there's nothing inside me anymore. It's just echoing in there when I call out. I get no response from my brain at all. Just one of those days, I guess, but I still can't help but wonder exactly what I might have successfully killed in there.
One glass down, I don't even know what I'm doing. Satisfying an addiction, perhaps. Am I addicted? Mentally, at least. It comes and goes, like much else. Oh my god I really do want to weigh just 38 kg. Cause it's 83 lbs and that's the same number reversed and it would give me a BMI of just 13,5. That would be skeletal enough, that would make me just skin and bones. But I just know somewhere in my heart I will never manage to reach a weight that low. If I'll die before then or just not be able to do it, I don't know.
But it's a goal nonetheless. Will my ugw just keep getting lower? At first it was 60 kg, then 57, then 50, then 47, then 44 and now 38. It's gone down to less than half of my starting weight, which was 80 kg. I'm getting cold and tired again. Don't want to change to a warmer sweater again. The cigarette smoke hurts in my throat again. I'm cold and want K to hold me. But he's miles and miles, endless of miles away.
I'm yawning so bad I kill my jaws again. Not sure if they're dislocated but not fucking far from it at least. Gotta be more careful with that.
Y, and I miss writing to you too, but I'm giving you the time you need as well as I can. You have a lot going on right now, I'm aware of that. And I don't know if I need to say it, but I am sorry for always getting so emotional and attached especially when I'm drunk. I'm glad it was okay with you that I brought that up however, and that you also think we should find a more personal way. Your short messages do give me reassurance and calm me too. Don't think that they aren't good enough, if you do, cause they really are. They mean a lot to me. Also, your most recent quote made me shiver all over, like damn. In a good way, I never know if "shiver" is the correct word to describe what's going on with my body and mind. But it's the closest word I've got.
Okay, now I'm starting to feel the booze, three fucking glasses in. Sometimes this slow brain of mine really is slow started, for some reason. I can barely breathe again. I'm smoking way too much, my lungs can barely cope. Like every breath is strained somehow, it's hard to explain, but it kinda feels like my throat is swollen or something. Or like there's freaking smoke in my airways. Wonder how come.
My body so doesn't want me to get drunk again, I can feel it in my every fibre, but am I listening? Not much. I mean I do take the information in but then I decide to not give a single fuck. I'll take it easy tomorrow though, won't go to school, but need to buy cigarettes so will do that even if I'm entirely a wreck. Need to have my smokes, just really fucking need to. Then I can be severely hungover or whatever, I don't care. But I can't keep doing this, I can't afford it. Maybe if I stop buying food and energy drinks, but even if then, money is tight.
And I know I shouldn't prioritise booze before food, but I'm an eating disordered alcoholic, what do you expect me to do? I don't know for sure if I can be categorised as an alcoholic but I'm not really striving for sobriety either. In periods I drink everything away, then I "take it easy" and like only socially drink and so for a while, before I'm back to drinking everything away again. It's been 2010, 2013 and now 2015 with almost sober periods in between. It never entirely leaves me but it never entirely stays either. I don't understand it, so I call myself a "part time alcoholic" with just no better way to describe it.
My thoughts are depressing me with impossible scenarios again. Things I want to tell K and things I'd want him to say in return, but the likeliness of that ever happening is so fucking close to zero percent, like why do I even bother. And that was just so weird... no I think I'll keep that one to myself. One of my rather weird kinks that I just randomly imagined telling him about, with him included sort of.
Yes... asexuals can have kinks too, it's just that they mostly also disgust me and cause conflicts in my head. Back when I was a member on AVEN, over there I found some useful information, about something called "fetishist asexuals" or something like that, cause I doubt that was the actual term, but something along those lines, described me perfectly. I'll have a lot of sex in my mind including kinks and like... it's as forbidden as ever can be, but I'd like for it to stay in my mind. Most of it at least. Some of the not forbidden stuff I can imagine trying out with someone, like K, in the future if he'd ever be interested.
Or possible someone else if I ever get into that mindset again. I'm more open minded than I might seem, just not on most days. It's been years now, since I actually was with another person that way. And I don't miss it much. Like the only one I really want to be with is K, but then I can imagine being with other people too, if like the moment is right or whatever. But as I lock my heart, and my last few remaining sparks of a lust, for him, I know I might die never having had sex again and I'm somehow completely fine with that.
Like, I've had my adventures. I've had so much fun, danger and adventures it's actually kinda crazy. How much of that I packed into those 6 or so years. 14 people and a lot of uninhibited insanity. It's almost worth dying for. How it ranged from devastatingly horrible to beyond amazing and everything in between. Mostly it was horrible though. Mostly it was jaded desperations, drugs and drunkenness that led me to it. Is that sad?
That mostly I just used sex as another form of self harm thinking it should be the best thing ever no matter how I achieved it. My late teenage years and early twenties were mostly like that, regarding anything, but oh how I longed for that senseless sex that could never last. It hurt me, it thrilled me and excited me like nothing else. So how come I just suddenly sort of reverted and said no to it all? Was it the memories, or was it something else? Common sense? That I'm fucking everything up including, oh very much, including that?
Maybe I just got too damaged by the pain it brought me, that I could never do it right. That it was either just shallow or self harm, and I can only count to two or three of all those 14 people where it was not like that. Where it was something deeper, something even remotely meaningful about it. Maybe most of it was just tragic. I think it was, and I do think that a great part of me now, wants that if it's ever gonna happen again, it better be a hella lot meaningful and beautiful for me to even pursue it.
And I'm not saying that K is the only one I'm ever gonna let touch me that way, but I'm saying it's a possibility. Oh my god, K I'm sorry for laughing out really loud at your latest tumblr post, it's hilarious but I do understand your pain, like oh my god. I hope the cleaning up won't be too messy. And I'd love to send you a message any minute of the day, but I keep my distance and I'll wait for you to come to me. We have our understanding/agreement and I respect you enough to keep my word, even though it hurts, and I just want to talk to you.
Saturday, 21 November 2015
Just half a day
(Brace yourselves, cause this might be my longest entry ever)
Woke up an hour ago, around 4:00 in the morning. So slept for nearly 14 hours on the complete wrong side of the day. Ew, that sugar free lemonade with vodka in. It's cringe worthy. Oh well, I take what I can get. I'm completely out of coke, so yeah. And the stores are very closed, so can't buy more for at least 2,5 more hours or so. I did well, food wise yesterday, only had one meal and then no b/p at all.
If I don't die this spring/summer, I do have some plans, at least regarding my hair, haha. Like, I want to do a permanent, when it's a little more than shoulder length to make it curly and then bleach the hell out of it. Blonde long curls is something I've never had and kinda secretly always wanted. I know it's not very goth, but then I've never really claimed to be goth either. I take what I like from a lot of different styles, always have.
Then I'd also like to move back to Uppsala someday and just start my life over there. Perhaps try to be more independent somehow. Then I don't really know. They're just sort of back-up plans, if all else fails. I found another lighter in the mess on my desk, thank the gods my weekend is saved. And somehow I'm trying to like my body the way it is, at least some parts of it. I'm roughly at a BMI of 20 and right now I'm just glad that I can still see the bones in my hands.
I really do have a rather sick fascination for bones, and that would be my own bones to like 99% or so. Skeleton prints on clothes and skulls making up for the remaining 1% I think. I still want to be just skin and bones, but if I'd die at this weight I don't think I'd be bummed. More like relieved to die at all. But here I am, alive and... obviously not well, but yeah, I'm alive. So I'm trying to lose weight cause it's literally the only goal/somewhat-dream I have these days.
To become as thin as possible. I've sort of maintained this disgusting weight for roughly two weeks now and hoping I can finally get back on track now. I had a net calories of 497 the day before yesterday and only 373 yesterday. I'm doing good. Gonna try to just stick to under 500 for about a week before I try fasting again. So that would be by the next weekend. And I still haven't checked my weight.
I keep thinking "no I'll do it tomorrow" and then I forget it. Cause as soon as I start eating or drinking it's too damn late cause I have food and water weight in me. Okay I just had a lot to pee so I did just weighed myself and I am not disappointed. Not much, at least. I have not gained, I haven't lost either, as the scale showed me 56,1 kg. Those annoying 50's, will I ever cross the line down to the 40's? And it just strikes me as odd that literally no one has asked me what I weigh in the last 8 or 9 months.
I am not ashamed of my weight, I would have no problem telling someone who asks me, no matter who they are. But yeah, so I have about 5-6 kg to lose to get to my next goal weight. 50 or 51 kg. That would make me undeniably underweight but not by much, as 52 is still the weight I'd have to be to be considered medically underweight. 52,1 and I am not. Nope it has to be 52,0 or less. I have made up my mind, eons ago, I will get to below that weight. I will, one way or another.
And someone made a post on the ED forum a while ago about how the body processes alcohol differently than other calories, as it goes basically straight to the liver compared to food or non-alcoholic drinks. It sparked my interest as I thought they might be right on one point or another. They said "have you ever seen an overweight drunk?" and I was like yeah but not that many. It just got me thinking, that's all.
That maybe my 400 calories of alcohol extra in a day doesn't really make me gain that much weight. And also keeping it to the weekends might help too. Cause like, having extra calories a couple of days a week is not gonna make me gain. I still stay below my BMR. During these past two or so weeks I did let go but not entirely, I've had maybe around 1000 cals a day instead of my usual 500. It's close to my BMR but not above it, which means I couldn't have gained and I didn't.
I maintained. The 7th November was the last time I weighed and it was on 55,8 kg. Those 300 grams could easily just be daily fluctuations. I think I'm looking at everything more realistically this time around, I don't get stressed up over a couple of weeks of more calories as I was sure it wouldn't make me gain, but I was stressed up because it wouldn't make me lose. Because I lost nearly all control.
5th glass of this disgusting drink. It's now 7:52 and the store opens soon. I really need to buy toilet paper and salt. Going shopping while drunk, is that really such a good idea? I don't know, don't think I care much. Might have stopped drinking by then too, I don't know.
8:00 and the gates are open for more soda and other necessities. I'll have some coffee to sober up a bit before I go. Okay I'm back and it's now 10:00 am.
"We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name" is from "Anywhere" by Evanescence and I think about running away somewhere with K. As if that could ever actually happen in any way. Sometimes I think of it literally, other times it's more figuratively. Sometimes it's a road trip that never ends, other times it's suicide.
I don't know why I keep so many imaginary scenarios in my mind about ending my life together with him. They just tear me up so badly, I don't want him to die. But maybe, just maybe, and I'm scared to say this, but maybe I'd want some company on my way to the other side. If that's not awful I don't know what possibly could be.
I'm too sober for my thoughts. And right now and for the past hour I've been stuck in an imaginary car ride with him. It's summer or late spring and he's driving and I stick my hand out the window on the passenger seat next to him. We're laughing but sad at the same time. Listening to some random good music on the cd-player and smoking cigarettes. I don't know where we're heading but it seems to be a long ride. Through cities but mostly it's through country roads. Not much traffic but there's some.
I've never driven a car in reality, but I know that I will someday. Just to know what it's like. I've always been the passenger. I don't think I'll ever get a driver's license, cause money being an issue, but I think I'll still drive a car at just one point in my life. If I'll do that in secrecy, or be let by someone else, I don't know. I'd have to befriend someone who's had a driver's license for at least 20 years and get close enough for them to be my instructor if I'm ever gonna, the legal way. My parents still won't let me. I do have such friends though, but they live pretty far away and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want me and my mental illnesses on their conscience if anything goes wrong.
I'm kinda planning on one day stealing my mother's car and take a private ride in it. It would likely devastate her but also teach her a fucking lesson. I tried to tell her, I tried to warn her, I really did. I literally said "I'm gonna drive a car before I die whether I have a license or not" so yeah, she has it coming. I think she took me seriously but I'm not entirely sure that she did.
I would take her car rather than my father's cause he has to have that car every single morning to get to work and I don't want to be responsible for him not getting to work. Cause I'd most likely damage whichever car I'll take and my mother who is retired could do alright without a car for a few days or so. So both my parents would be undoubtedly pissed at me for months or years or the rest of my entire life but I really don't give a fuck.
I think it's their own fucking fault for not letting me get a driver's license. I'm more or less their responsibility and yeah, they can suit themselves. I'd try to not drive like a maniac though, try to learn about which pedal is which at least and see if I could get those damn gears right. I have some knowledge but it's not much. I'd likely drive for a few minutes if I can even get the damn engine starting and then crash somewhere. I'd probably kill the car more than I'd be a danger to myself or other drivers in traffic. I'd try to stay away from most traffic and since this is in fact an island with only one city, I think I could at least manage that.
I think about that sometimes, about how much I'd like to drive a car, being in complete control for a moment. I'll smoke in the car (my mother's really gonna hate me for that) but I wouldn't drink or take any drugs or anything like that. If I'd run into a cop which wouldn't be very likely they could charge me for driving without a license but not more than that. Trying to keep that cost down too, haha.
Yeah I think about that sometimes, but right now, stuck on my mind is the image of K driving me somewhere far far away. I have no idea where to, or if we'll ever get there. But I feel so much safety in that image, like I'm so very safe with him no matter where he takes me. I wonder how safe he ever feels with me, in various situations and regardless of situation. And I ask him in my mind, where are we going? He says he doesn't know, where would I want to go? Anywhere, I say, far far away. He smiles and looks at me for a second, then back at the road. I smoke and take a drag as I smile at him.
And I speak my lines out loud, cause no one's around to hear me, except from Anna of course. She's minding her own business elsewhere. I constantly feel her presence but she's not constantly intervening. I imagine my image of her, that she's inspecting her nails or just stare out in front of her with various sighs and a distant mind. I don't see her as that image in actuality anymore, I haven't since I was 12 or 13 years old, but I still imagine her looking that way.
As that mid-teenage girl with a boyish frame, wearing a tattered brown dress almost too tattered to hold together as one piece. She's barefoot and has shoulder length brown/mousy hair with no fringe. She's pale, caucasian and her blue eyes are deep set. I've tried to draw that image many, many times but I can never get it right. She looks a lot like me, if I hadn't been on hormones and if I had had my sister's body shape. Back ten or so years ago. She does look a bit like a mix between a feminine me and my sister.
Or at least that's how I imagined her since I was 9-10 years old. I saw a ghost, at that age, in the kitchen an early night in the haunted house where I grew up. I was surprised but not scared. The person I saw looked exactly like that, a faded image moving about a foot or 30 cm from the floor. I later applied that image to Anna somehow. I wonder who she was, if she had lived in that house too, many years ago. That house was old, built 1915 and it did have quite a few ghosts haunting the place. I can't believe it's 100 years old this year... I remember sort of celebrating its 90th birthday/anniversary, back in 2005, but it was like the rest of my family couldn't care less.
Maybe I was the only one, and I don't doubt that I was, the only one who saw the ghosts and felt them shivering through the nights. Who heard them walking down that creaky stair case, who even tried to contact them. Maybe I was just crazy, or more attuned as a child than I became as an adult. Cause those were the early years, back in the 1990's when I was too young to really know what was real and what was just my mind playing tricks on me. But that was the only ghost I know for sure that I saw. I saw her twice actually, she seemed friendly but very shy. Then everything happened and I did go crazy.
Cause I don't think I was attuned with the ghost world anymore when Anna came along. I had a ghost of my own since then. I was never afraid of the weird, ghostly things that went on in that house. Sometimes when I got the impression they were trying to scare me I would just sigh and tell them that they didn't need to be afraid of me, I was just going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I knew they couldn't harm me.
Yeah, I do miss that house so much. I lived there for 18 years (1991-2009). The rest of my family doesn't miss it at all. I don't even know why, but I think, that to me it contained magic I couldn't explain, while to them it was just a really shitty, old house one could barely even live in. It did have a lot of problems. The drains, the wells, the constant power outages during the ice cold winters. It was badly isolated and the winters were nightmares. There was a constant leak in the bathroom roof for years. The whole bathroom section was badly built sometime during the 1970's or so and it was just a complete nightmare for my parents who had to somehow make the place livable in.
I'm full of old stories today. Half drunk, half really alive, half dead. That's three halves, what does that make of me? And I'm still imagining that car ride with K, it comforts me somehow. I found another soda, fanta zero (no sugar) with orange taste. I'm not too found of oranges but as long as they're this sweet it's alright. And I needed a break from the diet coke. They don't have much sugar free alternatives when it comes to soda here in Sweden, I haven't found much at least.
I'm listening to the old songs of Evanescence, before their debut. I like those the best, mainly. They have this fevery, softly sad sound. Amy Lee sings "I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all" and I think about my childhood. Those years will never be lost, because I remember them so vividly still. 20 or more years later, I still remember them so clearly. My long term memory really is rather good, but my short term memory really isn't. You gain some, you lose some.
I wouldn't want to have it the other way around. I live in the past, I always have. Looking back at what once was but what is no more, it gives me every single emotion I could ever have. Looking into the future only hurts, my present time feels so empty. I'm just a shadow, the shatter of a person. I never did become whole, instead I split up more and more until I just gave up and let the last remaining pieces scatter in the wind.
I do mourn who I wanted to become but never could. I mourn my childhood dreams that turned out impossible. I never want to dream again. I'm through going through the shattering of dreams. I'd rather believe this is the best that could ever be. This tragedy, this misery, to be the best that could ever happen to me. That 2014 was the best year of my life, with K single and my hopes high up in the sky. With hormones and mastectomy some of my dreams really did come true. But not the right one.
I always see love, mutual love, as the ultimate dream, and now... locking my heart, giving it solely to K, I know I can never have that mutual love. But still, fucking still, I think it's possible things can change. If given the right time, the right moment, I don't know, but it's possible, that I could one day... I don't know. I only want K right now, but things always change, don't they?
I don't want to let go of him. I just can not. He's in my soul, keeping it together. Maybe wherever we're heading, no one knows, but I'll hold on for him, for as long as I can. It's the only thing I can live for, and yes, I'm clutching at straws. Cause apparently something or someone wants me here so I've gotta find something to hold on to. And I can't find anything else. I live for you, K, for as long as I have to.
And suddenly I think about my best friend. I don't even know how she knows but I must have told her. Some things you just don't tell people. Anyone, unless you're given the permission to do so, and I wasn't given it. Somehow she still knows. I don't even remember. I don't want to think about it. One of my greatest mistakes ever. And then I did it again, and again. I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.
Daytime is not my favourite time, even though I'm drunk. I still want more vodka but didn't buy any more today. Thinking I can't afford it. I have to cave in, to my poverty and be decent. I just miss K so endlessly much.
Suddenly my computer made this strange sound like a message of some sort and I check my skype, my tumblr and my facebook before remembering the ED forum, where someone randomly messaged me on chat. So we talked a bit and then they just disappeared?! I don't think I said anything wrong. But people are so sensitive there, like oh my fucking god. I'm always being super careful but still manage to step on some people's nerves, like what the fuck.
I just wanted it to be K or Y, I don't know. No, neither of them are at the ED forum as far as I know but if it had been on any of the other websites it could have been one of them. And now it just bothers me that that person just messages me to complain and then they just disappeared. Like I was trying to help you?! Excuse me for being a petty human being with no super powers?! What did you expect? I might buy more vodka, this won't hold...
I only have enough for about one more glass, how can I survive today on just that little? I can't, I simply can't. Aaalright... some fucktard called me just now on my phone, talking in some weird accented English about me having computer problems and eventually I was just... nope, you're not getting my number, and no I haven't called, and he just kept rambling on until I said "I'm hanging up on you now, I'm hanging up on you right now" cause bloody hell. He said he was from London and I was just completely stunned and like what the fuck? He tried to get my number and I was like if this is some sort of scam... I'd hate myself for giving into that shit. I've never had a more weird phone call in my entire life.
Like why would some computer geek call me from London to scam me off of my telephone number? I really don't know what the fuck was going on and I'm not too keen to find out either. I just really told him I'm not telling you any personal information and this is not going in any direction I'm comfortable with. I really did hang up on him mid sentence, that was just... awkward, is the only word I have to describe it. Now I can't get it out of my head though. I think I'll buy more vodka in about 10 minutes, really can't fucking handle this day...
Phew, no problems at the liquor store. I know they don't sell booze to drunk people. But I'm drunk and I still got my vodka. Ran into another former classmate on the way and we talked a bit. So far, today has just been so god damn weird I don't even know where to begin. And it's barely even started. I'm having my 6th drink in 8 hours right now. And it's gonna be more, so much more...
Or I'll just fall asleep, I can't know for sure. Suddenly I spelled sure wrong and it got me thinking about K's first cat. I love that little creature, I really do. And not just because it's K's pet but because it really is just adorable and because I love cats in general. I've seen that cat a few times in real life, and it really is a very cute cat. Somehow it reminds me of K, that they're not so unalike somehow. Is that weird? I've been around cats all my life, I should know that species better than most people.
And if I ever move to Uppsala I'll make sure I get an apartment where pets are allowed so that I can get a cat or two. That would also be sort of a dream but not entirely, cause I don't dream anymore. But I do love cats and I'm just waiting to get away from my parents so that I can get one or two without them interfering. It would be neat if I can have a balcony, so that I could smoke there and not indoors for the sake of those cats. Yes, I'd stop smoking indoors if I ever get pets, for their sake. I'm just considerate that way.
Haha, I can just imagine my mother going crazy when telling her I've gotten myself a cat. Like oh my god what were you thinking?! Like haha, none of your fucking business, mom, I'm an adult and I get cats, dogs or freaking horses if I want to. Those would be the sort of animals I'm actually familiar with. And to some degree rats and guinea pigs too, but that's only cause my best friend had/has them.
I've never fed or taken care of those though. I really do think I could take care of cats though. I know what to do if anything goes wrong, I know what to feed them, roughly how much and all that stuff. Then they're pretty low maintenance too. But I'll most likely live in an apartment so they'd be indoors cats but I'd take them/it out for walks too. I have it all planned out.
My phone just shut down for no reason. It's dying. Hurry up and save K's number and Y's just to make sure I still have them, by writing them down in my paper phone book. There I have most of my numbers saved, just in case. I don't want to lose those numbers for the world. I mean, my cell phones die all the freaking time, and numbers get lost for some reason. I can't have that happening again.
Getting more drunk now, is it already getting dark? It's 14:30 for god's sake, why? I'm so hungry again already. Trying to fight the hunger with booze and cigarettes and never ending thoughts. And somehow I can't stop thinking... no I can't say it here or anywhere, but it's been on my mind for weeks now and I just can't let go. Do I really mean it? Is it a thought or a feeling? How sincere? I'm thinking out of line about something I might do. Don't know if I ever will and it would require some planning to say the least. It would require a lot of planning, money and god knows what. But would I?
I'm thinking it's not too far out of reach. Maybe that other person in my mind wouldn't even allow me to, but oh I think they would. I'm changing and I don't even know what into. Could I love them both? Is that's what's happening to me? Don't know if I could stand that sort of chaos again, but I know what my complicated heart is capable of. It's happened before. So it's not completely foreign to me, just... undeniably complicated.
I just stared into the fridge, grunting "I'm not hungry" while completely being so. Instead I filled up a 7th glass of vodka-fanta and went to the bathroom. Not with the drink, I left it on the kitchen worktop then took it from there to my desk after I was done. I'm only bringing my drink with me to the bathroom if I'm at a night club and don't have anyone guarding it for me. Oh heavens it was ages ago I went to a night club. I miss it so much. Hopefully I'll travel this spring and I do have more than just one place in mind.
Don't want to say too much but yeah, maybe you'll figure it out. And I wouldn't be able to just go wherever the fuck I want, it takes it a bit more than that. Oh my god, someone made a thread on the ED forum with the title "Can you have unremembered trauma?" but in capitals and I could just closed my eyes hard and said to myself, that yes, I think I even caused someone that. Thanks for that utterly painful reminder, and I know I shouldn't even be the one to feel like utter shit but I do. I'm the offender and I do feel like shit for what I did.
And I think I could never tell you over chat, Y, exactly which people I've hurt. If you do truly, truly want to know, I'd have to tell you in person, or at least over webcam. With actually spoken words, not written. I know this is not the time nor the place to bring that up, but it's just been on my mind for a while and if you do read this, that's how I'm thinking/feeling about it. I would tell you, yes, I'm not afraid, but I do want to choose my media, if at all possible. I might say something like alright, let me breathe, take a few sips of my drink and breathe some more and then I'd be ready. You should know it's a secret I've kept from the entire world for over 17 years.
But at the same time I'm aching for someone trustworthy enough to know, and I know that you're trustworthy enough. I know more than that. It's like, it would either be you or K that I'd ever tell, possibly both of you even. I would only tell K if I was certain that he could handle such a thing. I can't know if he'd ever be. It's immense, it's just... I'm lacking words to describe it. It's beyond awful. I would have been put in children's prison or whatever they have here in Sweden for it, if anyone had ever found out. But then me, having been biologically female could possibly have spared me from that, I don't know.
I honestly don't know that much about it, but it never did rise to the surface. For 17 years and more, everyone kept quiet about. Only me and the person I hurt knows about it, or in fact I think I'm the only one who remembers it. And it kills my soul, as often as it possibly can. How can I move on? I don't know if I ever can, and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should burn in hell for what I did, any hell worse than this. But then I suddenly thought of something, a quote from somewhere, I don't remember it exactly, but it read something like "why should I be judged by the worst thing I've ever done?"
And it just gets me thinking in every possible way, why should I get judged by the worst thing I've ever done? I've done so much good too. I've literally saved people's lives, I've gotten others through the hardest of nights, stayed up talking for hours when I've just wanted to sleep, but more so to just to help that person and I've done it over and over again. I'm not rotten to the core for that one thing, and not for that second thing either. Yes, I do think of it as the second thing, cause that was not an actual person that I hurt, it was second and it came and comes second in most aspects.
I can't stop thinking about it. How it doesn't keep me up at night but gives me nightmares instead, never ending nightmares for something I cannot ever process without risking going into prison and disrupting my entire family. They just cannot ever know. Believe me, it's that bad, and they should be the last to ever know. My parents would never look at me again. I just know, they would punish me the hardest, and oh how I deserve it. At first though, I don't even think they'd believe me, but yeah, eventually they would. It's simply something I could never live with. I couldn't even be dead with it.
So no, I would never let them know, not even in a suicide letter. For heaven's sake no, definitely not. I could never leave such a burden with them. But I'd like to somehow, reach out to the person I hurt without telling them exactly what I did. I wouldn't want to re-awake that memory if ever possible, but I'd like to tell them that I'm sorry if they do remember, or something like that. I haven't fully figured that out yet. Maybe I'd even ask for your input someday, Y, when I do tell you. Cause you'd literally be the only one I could ever ask for input then. And no matter what you would possibly say, I'd take that advice. Not only cause you'd be my only input, but because I do respect your opinions and thoughts so highly, you don't even know half of it.
Starting my 8th drink, I need it so fucking much. I can't walk straight by now and it's getting harder to write. I have to spell check it much more cause I keep missing keys or not pressing them down hard enough. Just had another meal, a third chicken salad for today and I know I should purge it but I don't want to. Haven't decided yet what I should do. I'm just eating too damn much. What difference does it even make? I'll maintain on anything between 1 and 1000 calories in food. As soon as I eat anything I'm screwed.
Oh, screwing, that was a while ago. Spring 2013 to be more exact. I think it was April 7th but I could be mistaken. It was in April at least, that much I know. Could an asexual miss sex? I don't know if I do, but on some level, yes I do. I'm not uncomfortable telling you that though. I'm still a human being, and an adult at that. I'm perfectly allowed to want something intimate every once in a while. Don't know if I'll go out of my ways again, and find a random stranger online, or go for someone a tad more safe. I know there are people who'd want me, but would I want them? That is indeed a good question.
Oh, my god I'm so drunk right now... not sure what actually happened between my 7th and 8th drink, but my world is fairly distorted by now. I need a break.
Woke up an hour ago, around 4:00 in the morning. So slept for nearly 14 hours on the complete wrong side of the day. Ew, that sugar free lemonade with vodka in. It's cringe worthy. Oh well, I take what I can get. I'm completely out of coke, so yeah. And the stores are very closed, so can't buy more for at least 2,5 more hours or so. I did well, food wise yesterday, only had one meal and then no b/p at all.
If I don't die this spring/summer, I do have some plans, at least regarding my hair, haha. Like, I want to do a permanent, when it's a little more than shoulder length to make it curly and then bleach the hell out of it. Blonde long curls is something I've never had and kinda secretly always wanted. I know it's not very goth, but then I've never really claimed to be goth either. I take what I like from a lot of different styles, always have.
Then I'd also like to move back to Uppsala someday and just start my life over there. Perhaps try to be more independent somehow. Then I don't really know. They're just sort of back-up plans, if all else fails. I found another lighter in the mess on my desk, thank the gods my weekend is saved. And somehow I'm trying to like my body the way it is, at least some parts of it. I'm roughly at a BMI of 20 and right now I'm just glad that I can still see the bones in my hands.
I really do have a rather sick fascination for bones, and that would be my own bones to like 99% or so. Skeleton prints on clothes and skulls making up for the remaining 1% I think. I still want to be just skin and bones, but if I'd die at this weight I don't think I'd be bummed. More like relieved to die at all. But here I am, alive and... obviously not well, but yeah, I'm alive. So I'm trying to lose weight cause it's literally the only goal/somewhat-dream I have these days.
To become as thin as possible. I've sort of maintained this disgusting weight for roughly two weeks now and hoping I can finally get back on track now. I had a net calories of 497 the day before yesterday and only 373 yesterday. I'm doing good. Gonna try to just stick to under 500 for about a week before I try fasting again. So that would be by the next weekend. And I still haven't checked my weight.
I keep thinking "no I'll do it tomorrow" and then I forget it. Cause as soon as I start eating or drinking it's too damn late cause I have food and water weight in me. Okay I just had a lot to pee so I did just weighed myself and I am not disappointed. Not much, at least. I have not gained, I haven't lost either, as the scale showed me 56,1 kg. Those annoying 50's, will I ever cross the line down to the 40's? And it just strikes me as odd that literally no one has asked me what I weigh in the last 8 or 9 months.
I am not ashamed of my weight, I would have no problem telling someone who asks me, no matter who they are. But yeah, so I have about 5-6 kg to lose to get to my next goal weight. 50 or 51 kg. That would make me undeniably underweight but not by much, as 52 is still the weight I'd have to be to be considered medically underweight. 52,1 and I am not. Nope it has to be 52,0 or less. I have made up my mind, eons ago, I will get to below that weight. I will, one way or another.
And someone made a post on the ED forum a while ago about how the body processes alcohol differently than other calories, as it goes basically straight to the liver compared to food or non-alcoholic drinks. It sparked my interest as I thought they might be right on one point or another. They said "have you ever seen an overweight drunk?" and I was like yeah but not that many. It just got me thinking, that's all.
That maybe my 400 calories of alcohol extra in a day doesn't really make me gain that much weight. And also keeping it to the weekends might help too. Cause like, having extra calories a couple of days a week is not gonna make me gain. I still stay below my BMR. During these past two or so weeks I did let go but not entirely, I've had maybe around 1000 cals a day instead of my usual 500. It's close to my BMR but not above it, which means I couldn't have gained and I didn't.
I maintained. The 7th November was the last time I weighed and it was on 55,8 kg. Those 300 grams could easily just be daily fluctuations. I think I'm looking at everything more realistically this time around, I don't get stressed up over a couple of weeks of more calories as I was sure it wouldn't make me gain, but I was stressed up because it wouldn't make me lose. Because I lost nearly all control.
5th glass of this disgusting drink. It's now 7:52 and the store opens soon. I really need to buy toilet paper and salt. Going shopping while drunk, is that really such a good idea? I don't know, don't think I care much. Might have stopped drinking by then too, I don't know.
8:00 and the gates are open for more soda and other necessities. I'll have some coffee to sober up a bit before I go. Okay I'm back and it's now 10:00 am.
"We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name" is from "Anywhere" by Evanescence and I think about running away somewhere with K. As if that could ever actually happen in any way. Sometimes I think of it literally, other times it's more figuratively. Sometimes it's a road trip that never ends, other times it's suicide.
I don't know why I keep so many imaginary scenarios in my mind about ending my life together with him. They just tear me up so badly, I don't want him to die. But maybe, just maybe, and I'm scared to say this, but maybe I'd want some company on my way to the other side. If that's not awful I don't know what possibly could be.
I'm too sober for my thoughts. And right now and for the past hour I've been stuck in an imaginary car ride with him. It's summer or late spring and he's driving and I stick my hand out the window on the passenger seat next to him. We're laughing but sad at the same time. Listening to some random good music on the cd-player and smoking cigarettes. I don't know where we're heading but it seems to be a long ride. Through cities but mostly it's through country roads. Not much traffic but there's some.
I've never driven a car in reality, but I know that I will someday. Just to know what it's like. I've always been the passenger. I don't think I'll ever get a driver's license, cause money being an issue, but I think I'll still drive a car at just one point in my life. If I'll do that in secrecy, or be let by someone else, I don't know. I'd have to befriend someone who's had a driver's license for at least 20 years and get close enough for them to be my instructor if I'm ever gonna, the legal way. My parents still won't let me. I do have such friends though, but they live pretty far away and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want me and my mental illnesses on their conscience if anything goes wrong.
I'm kinda planning on one day stealing my mother's car and take a private ride in it. It would likely devastate her but also teach her a fucking lesson. I tried to tell her, I tried to warn her, I really did. I literally said "I'm gonna drive a car before I die whether I have a license or not" so yeah, she has it coming. I think she took me seriously but I'm not entirely sure that she did.
I would take her car rather than my father's cause he has to have that car every single morning to get to work and I don't want to be responsible for him not getting to work. Cause I'd most likely damage whichever car I'll take and my mother who is retired could do alright without a car for a few days or so. So both my parents would be undoubtedly pissed at me for months or years or the rest of my entire life but I really don't give a fuck.
I think it's their own fucking fault for not letting me get a driver's license. I'm more or less their responsibility and yeah, they can suit themselves. I'd try to not drive like a maniac though, try to learn about which pedal is which at least and see if I could get those damn gears right. I have some knowledge but it's not much. I'd likely drive for a few minutes if I can even get the damn engine starting and then crash somewhere. I'd probably kill the car more than I'd be a danger to myself or other drivers in traffic. I'd try to stay away from most traffic and since this is in fact an island with only one city, I think I could at least manage that.
I think about that sometimes, about how much I'd like to drive a car, being in complete control for a moment. I'll smoke in the car (my mother's really gonna hate me for that) but I wouldn't drink or take any drugs or anything like that. If I'd run into a cop which wouldn't be very likely they could charge me for driving without a license but not more than that. Trying to keep that cost down too, haha.
Yeah I think about that sometimes, but right now, stuck on my mind is the image of K driving me somewhere far far away. I have no idea where to, or if we'll ever get there. But I feel so much safety in that image, like I'm so very safe with him no matter where he takes me. I wonder how safe he ever feels with me, in various situations and regardless of situation. And I ask him in my mind, where are we going? He says he doesn't know, where would I want to go? Anywhere, I say, far far away. He smiles and looks at me for a second, then back at the road. I smoke and take a drag as I smile at him.
And I speak my lines out loud, cause no one's around to hear me, except from Anna of course. She's minding her own business elsewhere. I constantly feel her presence but she's not constantly intervening. I imagine my image of her, that she's inspecting her nails or just stare out in front of her with various sighs and a distant mind. I don't see her as that image in actuality anymore, I haven't since I was 12 or 13 years old, but I still imagine her looking that way.
As that mid-teenage girl with a boyish frame, wearing a tattered brown dress almost too tattered to hold together as one piece. She's barefoot and has shoulder length brown/mousy hair with no fringe. She's pale, caucasian and her blue eyes are deep set. I've tried to draw that image many, many times but I can never get it right. She looks a lot like me, if I hadn't been on hormones and if I had had my sister's body shape. Back ten or so years ago. She does look a bit like a mix between a feminine me and my sister.
Or at least that's how I imagined her since I was 9-10 years old. I saw a ghost, at that age, in the kitchen an early night in the haunted house where I grew up. I was surprised but not scared. The person I saw looked exactly like that, a faded image moving about a foot or 30 cm from the floor. I later applied that image to Anna somehow. I wonder who she was, if she had lived in that house too, many years ago. That house was old, built 1915 and it did have quite a few ghosts haunting the place. I can't believe it's 100 years old this year... I remember sort of celebrating its 90th birthday/anniversary, back in 2005, but it was like the rest of my family couldn't care less.
Maybe I was the only one, and I don't doubt that I was, the only one who saw the ghosts and felt them shivering through the nights. Who heard them walking down that creaky stair case, who even tried to contact them. Maybe I was just crazy, or more attuned as a child than I became as an adult. Cause those were the early years, back in the 1990's when I was too young to really know what was real and what was just my mind playing tricks on me. But that was the only ghost I know for sure that I saw. I saw her twice actually, she seemed friendly but very shy. Then everything happened and I did go crazy.
Cause I don't think I was attuned with the ghost world anymore when Anna came along. I had a ghost of my own since then. I was never afraid of the weird, ghostly things that went on in that house. Sometimes when I got the impression they were trying to scare me I would just sigh and tell them that they didn't need to be afraid of me, I was just going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I knew they couldn't harm me.
Yeah, I do miss that house so much. I lived there for 18 years (1991-2009). The rest of my family doesn't miss it at all. I don't even know why, but I think, that to me it contained magic I couldn't explain, while to them it was just a really shitty, old house one could barely even live in. It did have a lot of problems. The drains, the wells, the constant power outages during the ice cold winters. It was badly isolated and the winters were nightmares. There was a constant leak in the bathroom roof for years. The whole bathroom section was badly built sometime during the 1970's or so and it was just a complete nightmare for my parents who had to somehow make the place livable in.
I'm full of old stories today. Half drunk, half really alive, half dead. That's three halves, what does that make of me? And I'm still imagining that car ride with K, it comforts me somehow. I found another soda, fanta zero (no sugar) with orange taste. I'm not too found of oranges but as long as they're this sweet it's alright. And I needed a break from the diet coke. They don't have much sugar free alternatives when it comes to soda here in Sweden, I haven't found much at least.
I'm listening to the old songs of Evanescence, before their debut. I like those the best, mainly. They have this fevery, softly sad sound. Amy Lee sings "I want to go back to believing in everything and knowing nothing at all" and I think about my childhood. Those years will never be lost, because I remember them so vividly still. 20 or more years later, I still remember them so clearly. My long term memory really is rather good, but my short term memory really isn't. You gain some, you lose some.
I wouldn't want to have it the other way around. I live in the past, I always have. Looking back at what once was but what is no more, it gives me every single emotion I could ever have. Looking into the future only hurts, my present time feels so empty. I'm just a shadow, the shatter of a person. I never did become whole, instead I split up more and more until I just gave up and let the last remaining pieces scatter in the wind.
I do mourn who I wanted to become but never could. I mourn my childhood dreams that turned out impossible. I never want to dream again. I'm through going through the shattering of dreams. I'd rather believe this is the best that could ever be. This tragedy, this misery, to be the best that could ever happen to me. That 2014 was the best year of my life, with K single and my hopes high up in the sky. With hormones and mastectomy some of my dreams really did come true. But not the right one.
I always see love, mutual love, as the ultimate dream, and now... locking my heart, giving it solely to K, I know I can never have that mutual love. But still, fucking still, I think it's possible things can change. If given the right time, the right moment, I don't know, but it's possible, that I could one day... I don't know. I only want K right now, but things always change, don't they?
I don't want to let go of him. I just can not. He's in my soul, keeping it together. Maybe wherever we're heading, no one knows, but I'll hold on for him, for as long as I can. It's the only thing I can live for, and yes, I'm clutching at straws. Cause apparently something or someone wants me here so I've gotta find something to hold on to. And I can't find anything else. I live for you, K, for as long as I have to.
And suddenly I think about my best friend. I don't even know how she knows but I must have told her. Some things you just don't tell people. Anyone, unless you're given the permission to do so, and I wasn't given it. Somehow she still knows. I don't even remember. I don't want to think about it. One of my greatest mistakes ever. And then I did it again, and again. I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.
Daytime is not my favourite time, even though I'm drunk. I still want more vodka but didn't buy any more today. Thinking I can't afford it. I have to cave in, to my poverty and be decent. I just miss K so endlessly much.
Suddenly my computer made this strange sound like a message of some sort and I check my skype, my tumblr and my facebook before remembering the ED forum, where someone randomly messaged me on chat. So we talked a bit and then they just disappeared?! I don't think I said anything wrong. But people are so sensitive there, like oh my fucking god. I'm always being super careful but still manage to step on some people's nerves, like what the fuck.
I just wanted it to be K or Y, I don't know. No, neither of them are at the ED forum as far as I know but if it had been on any of the other websites it could have been one of them. And now it just bothers me that that person just messages me to complain and then they just disappeared. Like I was trying to help you?! Excuse me for being a petty human being with no super powers?! What did you expect? I might buy more vodka, this won't hold...
I only have enough for about one more glass, how can I survive today on just that little? I can't, I simply can't. Aaalright... some fucktard called me just now on my phone, talking in some weird accented English about me having computer problems and eventually I was just... nope, you're not getting my number, and no I haven't called, and he just kept rambling on until I said "I'm hanging up on you now, I'm hanging up on you right now" cause bloody hell. He said he was from London and I was just completely stunned and like what the fuck? He tried to get my number and I was like if this is some sort of scam... I'd hate myself for giving into that shit. I've never had a more weird phone call in my entire life.
Like why would some computer geek call me from London to scam me off of my telephone number? I really don't know what the fuck was going on and I'm not too keen to find out either. I just really told him I'm not telling you any personal information and this is not going in any direction I'm comfortable with. I really did hang up on him mid sentence, that was just... awkward, is the only word I have to describe it. Now I can't get it out of my head though. I think I'll buy more vodka in about 10 minutes, really can't fucking handle this day...
Phew, no problems at the liquor store. I know they don't sell booze to drunk people. But I'm drunk and I still got my vodka. Ran into another former classmate on the way and we talked a bit. So far, today has just been so god damn weird I don't even know where to begin. And it's barely even started. I'm having my 6th drink in 8 hours right now. And it's gonna be more, so much more...
Or I'll just fall asleep, I can't know for sure. Suddenly I spelled sure wrong and it got me thinking about K's first cat. I love that little creature, I really do. And not just because it's K's pet but because it really is just adorable and because I love cats in general. I've seen that cat a few times in real life, and it really is a very cute cat. Somehow it reminds me of K, that they're not so unalike somehow. Is that weird? I've been around cats all my life, I should know that species better than most people.
And if I ever move to Uppsala I'll make sure I get an apartment where pets are allowed so that I can get a cat or two. That would also be sort of a dream but not entirely, cause I don't dream anymore. But I do love cats and I'm just waiting to get away from my parents so that I can get one or two without them interfering. It would be neat if I can have a balcony, so that I could smoke there and not indoors for the sake of those cats. Yes, I'd stop smoking indoors if I ever get pets, for their sake. I'm just considerate that way.
Haha, I can just imagine my mother going crazy when telling her I've gotten myself a cat. Like oh my god what were you thinking?! Like haha, none of your fucking business, mom, I'm an adult and I get cats, dogs or freaking horses if I want to. Those would be the sort of animals I'm actually familiar with. And to some degree rats and guinea pigs too, but that's only cause my best friend had/has them.
I've never fed or taken care of those though. I really do think I could take care of cats though. I know what to do if anything goes wrong, I know what to feed them, roughly how much and all that stuff. Then they're pretty low maintenance too. But I'll most likely live in an apartment so they'd be indoors cats but I'd take them/it out for walks too. I have it all planned out.
My phone just shut down for no reason. It's dying. Hurry up and save K's number and Y's just to make sure I still have them, by writing them down in my paper phone book. There I have most of my numbers saved, just in case. I don't want to lose those numbers for the world. I mean, my cell phones die all the freaking time, and numbers get lost for some reason. I can't have that happening again.
Getting more drunk now, is it already getting dark? It's 14:30 for god's sake, why? I'm so hungry again already. Trying to fight the hunger with booze and cigarettes and never ending thoughts. And somehow I can't stop thinking... no I can't say it here or anywhere, but it's been on my mind for weeks now and I just can't let go. Do I really mean it? Is it a thought or a feeling? How sincere? I'm thinking out of line about something I might do. Don't know if I ever will and it would require some planning to say the least. It would require a lot of planning, money and god knows what. But would I?
I'm thinking it's not too far out of reach. Maybe that other person in my mind wouldn't even allow me to, but oh I think they would. I'm changing and I don't even know what into. Could I love them both? Is that's what's happening to me? Don't know if I could stand that sort of chaos again, but I know what my complicated heart is capable of. It's happened before. So it's not completely foreign to me, just... undeniably complicated.
I just stared into the fridge, grunting "I'm not hungry" while completely being so. Instead I filled up a 7th glass of vodka-fanta and went to the bathroom. Not with the drink, I left it on the kitchen worktop then took it from there to my desk after I was done. I'm only bringing my drink with me to the bathroom if I'm at a night club and don't have anyone guarding it for me. Oh heavens it was ages ago I went to a night club. I miss it so much. Hopefully I'll travel this spring and I do have more than just one place in mind.
Don't want to say too much but yeah, maybe you'll figure it out. And I wouldn't be able to just go wherever the fuck I want, it takes it a bit more than that. Oh my god, someone made a thread on the ED forum with the title "Can you have unremembered trauma?" but in capitals and I could just closed my eyes hard and said to myself, that yes, I think I even caused someone that. Thanks for that utterly painful reminder, and I know I shouldn't even be the one to feel like utter shit but I do. I'm the offender and I do feel like shit for what I did.
And I think I could never tell you over chat, Y, exactly which people I've hurt. If you do truly, truly want to know, I'd have to tell you in person, or at least over webcam. With actually spoken words, not written. I know this is not the time nor the place to bring that up, but it's just been on my mind for a while and if you do read this, that's how I'm thinking/feeling about it. I would tell you, yes, I'm not afraid, but I do want to choose my media, if at all possible. I might say something like alright, let me breathe, take a few sips of my drink and breathe some more and then I'd be ready. You should know it's a secret I've kept from the entire world for over 17 years.
But at the same time I'm aching for someone trustworthy enough to know, and I know that you're trustworthy enough. I know more than that. It's like, it would either be you or K that I'd ever tell, possibly both of you even. I would only tell K if I was certain that he could handle such a thing. I can't know if he'd ever be. It's immense, it's just... I'm lacking words to describe it. It's beyond awful. I would have been put in children's prison or whatever they have here in Sweden for it, if anyone had ever found out. But then me, having been biologically female could possibly have spared me from that, I don't know.
I honestly don't know that much about it, but it never did rise to the surface. For 17 years and more, everyone kept quiet about. Only me and the person I hurt knows about it, or in fact I think I'm the only one who remembers it. And it kills my soul, as often as it possibly can. How can I move on? I don't know if I ever can, and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should burn in hell for what I did, any hell worse than this. But then I suddenly thought of something, a quote from somewhere, I don't remember it exactly, but it read something like "why should I be judged by the worst thing I've ever done?"
And it just gets me thinking in every possible way, why should I get judged by the worst thing I've ever done? I've done so much good too. I've literally saved people's lives, I've gotten others through the hardest of nights, stayed up talking for hours when I've just wanted to sleep, but more so to just to help that person and I've done it over and over again. I'm not rotten to the core for that one thing, and not for that second thing either. Yes, I do think of it as the second thing, cause that was not an actual person that I hurt, it was second and it came and comes second in most aspects.
I can't stop thinking about it. How it doesn't keep me up at night but gives me nightmares instead, never ending nightmares for something I cannot ever process without risking going into prison and disrupting my entire family. They just cannot ever know. Believe me, it's that bad, and they should be the last to ever know. My parents would never look at me again. I just know, they would punish me the hardest, and oh how I deserve it. At first though, I don't even think they'd believe me, but yeah, eventually they would. It's simply something I could never live with. I couldn't even be dead with it.
So no, I would never let them know, not even in a suicide letter. For heaven's sake no, definitely not. I could never leave such a burden with them. But I'd like to somehow, reach out to the person I hurt without telling them exactly what I did. I wouldn't want to re-awake that memory if ever possible, but I'd like to tell them that I'm sorry if they do remember, or something like that. I haven't fully figured that out yet. Maybe I'd even ask for your input someday, Y, when I do tell you. Cause you'd literally be the only one I could ever ask for input then. And no matter what you would possibly say, I'd take that advice. Not only cause you'd be my only input, but because I do respect your opinions and thoughts so highly, you don't even know half of it.
Starting my 8th drink, I need it so fucking much. I can't walk straight by now and it's getting harder to write. I have to spell check it much more cause I keep missing keys or not pressing them down hard enough. Just had another meal, a third chicken salad for today and I know I should purge it but I don't want to. Haven't decided yet what I should do. I'm just eating too damn much. What difference does it even make? I'll maintain on anything between 1 and 1000 calories in food. As soon as I eat anything I'm screwed.
Oh, screwing, that was a while ago. Spring 2013 to be more exact. I think it was April 7th but I could be mistaken. It was in April at least, that much I know. Could an asexual miss sex? I don't know if I do, but on some level, yes I do. I'm not uncomfortable telling you that though. I'm still a human being, and an adult at that. I'm perfectly allowed to want something intimate every once in a while. Don't know if I'll go out of my ways again, and find a random stranger online, or go for someone a tad more safe. I know there are people who'd want me, but would I want them? That is indeed a good question.
Oh, my god I'm so drunk right now... not sure what actually happened between my 7th and 8th drink, but my world is fairly distorted by now. I need a break.
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