Kickstart my brain

I feel weird today. My stomache disagrees with the coffee and I'm more tired than usually. Yesterday's productivity seems to have ceased. I should probably eat more, since I feel weakend and it's harder to focus. I'm alive, but even though I'm doing basically nothing, I'm still using up more energy than I take in. And all the little I eat goes to body heat and stuff like that, it's not much left to keep my brain going.

So yeah, now I'm only eating enough to survive. Good thing I can survive on so little, but I dislike it that I still can't seem to lose more weight. Yeah, I'm a couch potato, but I don't eat and definately not candy or fast-food. So I have two goals: survive and get thin. I don't know which one is harder.

No, I'm actually doing quite okay nowadays. I'm not all jolly and happy smiles, but I do laugh - at things online about animal cruelty and people suffering. Not sure why, exactly. Bored and exploring my dark side when no one's around, perhaps. Only time I can laugh about such things without getting maimed or lectured for it. Sometimes I even think it's funny, but most times it's just sad and I don't know what the hell I'm giggling about. Weird...

Maybe that in my writings I realise I find it amusing when thinking about doing "evil" deeds. But that's no news either, considering the exact same murder fantasy that's been running through my head for the last three years. Will I do it? I hope not, but my plans are set. Probably too cowardly and scared of getting caught. But fantasies never harmed anyone, even though it's something that I want to do in reality.

Have I mentioned this before? Sometimes I write and post entries that I later delete if I think it was a stupid idea to open up about something. So that even if some people read it before I deleted it, it can't be used as proof or anything. Proof to what? That if I write about the complexity of my murder plans and then a murder victim is found, killed in that precise manner as what I described, I'd be in quite a lot of trouble. Not that I think it's going to happen, but still. Just a little tact and precausion if I would ever.... No, never mind. But don't worry, it wouldn't be anyone that I know, or in some way could be connected to me. Well that did perk me up.

I talk to much.