The sullen and the sublime

This is a very long entry mostly about my own womanhood, tits, and my messy attraction to other women. Some short, random, mildly sexual lesbian fantasies might have slipped out of me into this text here and there as well.

I was just listening to one of Chase Ross's podcasts on youtube. One about detransitioning, of course. He told a story about a trans woman who had been talked into detransitioning by some shitty priest, like talked into having her breasts removed... and hearing that just iced my freaking blood. Like it didn't just strike a chord in me, the entire string fucking broke. He said she wanted to transition again, after that.

I know my own situation is very different from that of trans women's. Because I did have full femaleness, once upon a time, but got rid of a lot of it. So my pain is different. I mourn something I've lost. They never had it to begin with but yearn for something they feel they should have had to begin with. That is different. I think my situation is in that case more similar to cis women with PCOS (excess testosterone) and women who've had bilateral mastectomies. But I didn't even have a medical reason for any of that. Just my own god damn fucking stupidity. Or what to even call that. My willful ignorance and thinking the grass really was greener on the other side but then realising it wasn't and now I'm fighting to get back home again.

I'm struggling to find any kind of comparison. I still think that my first thought when I had realised all of this is the only thing that can put it into words. It was simply the word "fuck".

Then Chase talked about regaining nipple sensation after being 4 years post op (podcast vid is 1 year old) and that touched a nerve in me as well, when he talked to Aaron about that them getting their nipples stimulated sexually reminds them of that they used to have breasts. That's kind of a bittersweet thing for me now though. I think I can actually... if I close my eyes and don't look down, while someone else is touching/kissing my nipples... kinda imagine in my mind that there are actual breasts under them. That soothes me. But of course getting such stimulation doesn't feel much physically and I hate myself for having ruined my nipple sensation now as well. That can't ever come back. However I do have a tiny bit of sensation left in them, like maybe 1-2% of what I had originally, so maybe if I'd try to pinch or squeeze them really really hard I could actually feel it. I could experiment with that on myself and see if it might actually feel good even. And the bitter side of course is that getting such stimulation reminds me of that I'm flat now and how much I miss the tits.

My sexual fantasies have started to include tits on me 100% now. Rather big ones. It makes me feel super comfortable and soothed and turned on imagining I have actual tits (that are not just a padded bra, but my real skin expanded my implants) that others can touch, squeeze and play with. I wonder how that will feel like with implants, compared to the natural ones I used to have. They'd likely have a firmness that I'd not be used to feeling, but I think they'd be cuddly anyway. And fuck yeah, I'd cuddle my own tits night and day! I can only imagine how extremely happy I'll be waking up from that surgery. Of course I'll likely be numb from morphine, anesthesia and what not, and all wrapped up in bandages, but I'm sure it would be bulging on my chest and that alone would be extremely satisfying.

At this point I'm wearing a padded bra almost 24/7. I usually take it off for sleeping, but not always. Sometimes I need that comfort when trying to fall asleep. If I have it off while in bed, literally the first thing I do when waking up is putting it back on again. Otherwise of course I take it off for showering, but that's about it.

It's another day, but I keep writing here. Still have more to say.

I just wrote a reply to a thread on Susan's about sexuality messed up by trauma. It was in the ftm section of the forum but I thought I had two cents to give about it cause the guy posting the thread had issues quite similar to mine, about attraction to women. While I wrote that I kinda had a bit of a realisation. Or rather I connected a couple of dots, but it wasn't an extreme or particularly heavy realisation. First, I noted that I've been sexually abused by both guys and girls, and more by guys but that I still feel safer with them. I also noted that I have some form of internalised misogyny going on and a tad bit of... well, lesbophobia.

That there's something about the female-female dynamic that simply rubs me the wrong way. That I subconsciously think that sex between two girls isn't quite "real sex" which is a thought I really hate that I have. I don't want to think that way, it's wrong and hurtful. It's unfair too, and ridiculous. I also really don't like the word "lesbian" like it just sounds gross to me somehow. There's also a lot about lesbian culture that I don't particularly like either. Like there are so many crazy lesbians out there that I in no fucking way would ever want to be associated with... Like "terf's" for example, and any kind of extremely radical feminist lesbians, and also something really fucked up that is called "political lesbianism" which is women who literally "choose" to "become" lesbians (but they're actually straight or bi) because they've simply decided that men are bad cause of patriarchy, and then there's of course all the god damned man-hating in general... So ugh, I really have a lot of hangups about that side of myself.

Furthermore I noted that society's shitty view on that female on female sexual abuse isn't a "real thing" that can actually happen has made me doubt the validity of my experiences. And then it clicked. What I did when I was 9, to that other girl. I'm sure that must be why I've always had such a hard time trying to put myself in a consensual female-female sexual relationship. Why I never even dared to pursue it. It was never because of my own gender, was ever anything? How little gender matters to me, now that I detransition. It's like I was obsessed with everything gender for most of my life and now it's like I'm shaking myself like a wet dog to release myself from that obsession. How about I'm just gonna be a person, or try to be? Does it matter, does it really matter?

I stuffed my bisexuality into a garbage bag because of my fear to get "that close" to any other woman. Yet I dreamed about it happening. Wanted it, craved it. And I stuffed my womanhood into another garbage bag, poisoned it and cut it up... yet I needed it and craved it. All those times in the past that I dressed up in drag... it was because I kept craving being a woman and wanting to look like one, but when I dressed up that way, it scared me and made me feel sick. I've been in the closet about being cis. And I had cis denial. It's actually funny when I think about it that way, cause it's true but it's so reverse to how it is for trans people. They're born into a closet they have to come out of. I created a closet that I wasn't born into, that I then had to come out of. So, my joke about "coming out as cis" has a lot more depth to it than I first could see. Accepting myself as a woman has been a life-long struggle, but here I am now, embracing it and unwilling to let go of it.

I don't think I specifically "identify" as a woman though, or a man or any gender. What makes me think of myself as a woman is really just my emotional connection to my female sex traits and to female sex traits in general, and my aversion male sex traits on myself. And that I'm fine with being gendered as female, with such terms and words. That I want to look like a woman and be seen as one by others. I don't know what being a woman "feels like" in the sense that I simply don't feel gender. And gender is not something I would use as an identity. It's not an identity. It's just a state of being. So I haven't and never would say that I "identify as a woman" cause I simply don't. I just am one. I just wanted to clarify that.

But about my bisexuality at least that closet I was born into, and even though I came out as bi at 15 years old, which was a damn long time ago, I always kept one foot in it. As I kept dithering between saying/thinking I was only into men and into both genders. And cause I kept avoiding dating women, mostly subconsciously, I'm probably mostly perceived as someone who's only into men. That I was seen as a gay man previously and now (presumably) as a straight woman.

I don't want to keep one foot in that closet anymore, and I don't want to keep avoiding dating women. I want to work through my million hangups on that point and not let my attraction be stopped by my fears. If I'd fall for another woman and it's mutual, I don't want to miss out on that chance cause of my fears telling me not to go there. What if she's a soulmate of mine, or even my twin flame?

I know that "twin flame" is not a particularly known concept and I might have forgotten most of what it entails, but I can give you the gist of it. There's a belief that each person has their own soul, and those souls can be connected to each other on a spiritual level, like maybe you've known them in a past life. Then that's generally what a "soul mate" is. However, a "twin flame" goes deeper than that. A twin flame is someone who's soul used to be part of yours, but split off somewhere on your journey, and became its own person. This is not a DID thing, I'm talking about two actual people, with both their own bodies and all, but in another incarnation likely very very long ago, they used to be the same person.

Twin flames, if they find each other, are generally literally made to be together. They can clash, but will always find ways to bounce back and strengthen each other, and have a very tight, spiritual bond. I think the concept of twin flames is absolutely beautiful. It's a belief mostly held by people who are very into spiritualism, like "new age" stuff, reincarnation, some ancient Eastern religions, paganism and such. I've tapped into such spiritualism many times before, and much of my wisdom aligns with that, and I even considered choosing the path of Taoism before I went for Satanism instead. However, I learned about the concept of twin flames specifically, from Y when I was with him. We thought for some time that we might be twin flames. And I tend to think of Caspian as my twin flame. Y thought he might be an incarnation of Caspian, but I always felt a very strong doubt in my gut about that.

Now I don't know if Caspian was ever real. It's still too painfil for me to go there. I've held onto him through every heartbreak and rejection ever since I was... I don't know how young but under 10 years old. Maybe 5 or 6. He's been my one and only dream I've always held onto. He's been the one person who'd always love and desire me in a romantic way. He's been my comforting blanket that always holds me warm, and he's been the knife in my always broken heart, at the same time. I've felt like I've missed him beyond what I can bear. And like I've loved him with my entire soul, not just my heart. Like he's not just the love of my life, but the love of my existence, that has lasted over several incarnations. You don't just toss that aside with the explanation it was only a delusion. You just don't or you might shatter irreparably. But this was not what I intended to write about. I digressed into my spiritual beliefs and broken dreams.

Let's get back on track. My point was that "my Caspian" whether that dream was actually real or not, could actually be a woman. And I don't think I'm crazy to not wanna miss out on that chance, of finding and connecting with my "one true love" just because that person might so happen to be of the same sex as me. I really do plan on working through my fears and hangups, but also I really just want to experiment. Try to find a girl to hook up with for sex. Like be completely honest about everything with her, like my transition history and dithering about if I'm really into women or not, but like there's a lot I'm really wanting to try sexually but have never been with any woman before.

So like... I'll probably be very nervous, but I don't think I would back out or regret it afterwards. I know I'll be especially nervous about pussy-licking, but then that's what I desire to try the most, so obviously I wouldn't exactly say no to that. More like "hell yes" to that. It would be so amazing if I could at some point make a girl cum in my mouth... like, oh god what a turn on! And yes of course I'd want to do it as a girl myself. That excites me. I could never even imagine having sex with a woman as a man myself, but with me as a woman... that intrigues me a lot. I guess that's kinda gay. And yeah, by the way, I don't mind hairy pussy, that is also sexy. I might prefer it trimmed or shaven, as I prefer my own to be, but it's hardly a requirement on others. Just a preference.

I know I've been extremely picky with women I'd find attractive before, but I don't think I'm quite as picky anymore. With men I can be with just about anyone, like looks don't matter at all. In fact the uglier ones tend to turn me on more. But it's different with women for me. That's more like a "normal" attraction, I guess. That the more beautiful the more they tend to turn me on, but the more average looking ones can definitely get me going as well. But the uglier ones I really struggle to get turned on by at all. I have some preferances and some "wouldn't tap that" -limits, but in general I don't think I'm all that picky about stuff like height, weight, body shape, style, hair length, etc. Although I guess my preferences are kinda thin to slightly overweight, no height preference but being able to reach for a kiss is nice, long hair will always be the best regardless of gender or style, feminine is hotter than masculine but androgynous is hot too, age span of around 20 to 50, etc.

I'm just brainstorming, I don't actually really know any of this for sure. I'm just having fun playing with this thought, of what kind of women I might be into or not, so maybe don't take it too seriously. All I really know is that I want to have sex with another woman. Then who, how or what she should look or be like, matters a whole lot less at this point. The experience itself, and simply making it happen at all, is what matters. And yeah, that she's not a total douchebag. But anything beyond that is really just fluff. So there's that, I think.

As I'm kinda used to hooking up with men for sex by now, I don't think it should be quite that big of a leap for me to go hooking up with a woman for sex. I mean, I'm sure the dynamic will be different and I'll be a nervous heap of... I don't know what, but my point is that hookups are still hookups, regardless of the genders involved, and I'm generally familiar with that kind of culture. So I don't think it's too extreme of a move for me to make. Especially considering I know this is something I've wanted for a very, very long time but just haven't dared to. It's not like I found out about my attraction to women yesterday. More 14 years ago. I just can't help but thinking it's about god damn time I get my ass out there on the lesbian meat market and try to score some pussy. Like come on, 14 years?!

Would I like a relationship with another woman, as in a girlfriend? Well I'm open to the idea, but let's just take it one step at a time, okay. I have loads of emotional issues with dating in general, and then with this kind of internalised lesbophobia being added onto it if I'd get a girlfriend... let's just say I should be taking it very, very carefully, if or when that might happen. It's not something I should just jump right into haphazardly, cause it's exciting or I'm in love, or other forms of sheer stupidity. If I'll fall for another girl, I'll take that then and there. I don't want to worry about it too much now. So I'll just say if it happens it happens and I'll try to not either just jump right into it nor run away scared shitless in the opposite direction cause my own feefees upset and confuse me.

Talking to my therapist about this might be good too. As this is some form of internalised homophobia that is tied to my trauma, it's probably legit enough to rant to my therapist about. Like I'd feel it's legit enough for me to bring up, I mean. But yeah again I've no idea how I'd even phrase myself, cause I'd like to avoid for the discussion about it to not be too explicitly sexual, if possible. That makes me so uncomfortable, to talk about anything sexual with her. I don't think I'd really "repeat old patterns" of my abuse history if I'd end up being sexual with other women, or get a girlfriend, I mean that is a fear I have but it's rather mild and mostly nagging in the background. At the front though, is my feelings that it's "wrong" for me to be sexual with women because of that trauma stuff that involved females. Like I'm somehow "not allowed" to desire that because I once sexually abused another girl when I was a kid. I know it's fucked up that I think/feel like that, which is why I think I should talk to a therapist about it.

But I mean, it's not like I think lesbianism in itself is wrong, it's that I think me, specifically, liking and being in lesbian relations would be wrong cause of my specific past. That I shouldn't be allowed to gently love or consensually touch other women because I once touched a girl without her consent. Like I'm somehow asking to be given what I once stole. It feels morally wrong, pretty much. It doesn't really have anything, or much at all, to do with it being gay. It feels complicated and confusing, but I'm trying to sort out that mess of feelings in me and put them into words. It's mostly fear, guilt, like I'm not supposed to, like I'm not allowed, like I'm tainted, that I hated being a woman so much that it made me dislike women in general despite subconsciously still liking them and thus my transition hurt my sexuality as well, feeling like it's not a "real" thing due to some of what the crappy society says (I wish that didn't affect me but it just does) like about what it means to lose your virginity completely excludes lesbians but does include gay men, and so on.

But what exactly it is that I fear around it I'm not sure. Maybe it's just my own reactions that I fear. Well that I know I can handle. My defense mechanisms are starting to become obsolete at this point. Like they're not necessary or useful anymore. So I should probably focus more on those other feelings I listed after "fear" instead. I think there's a lot of depth going on in those things. That if I'd pursue being with women it would both feel like I'm somehow committing a crime (but it's actually legal) and like it's not even real, at the same time. It's kind of a contradiction, cause if it's not real it can't be a crime and if it's a crime it's most certainly real, just to follow the "logic" of my own feelings. But they don't logic and they bite their own tails. My feelings usually work in that sort of pattern though, so it's hardly a surprise for me that they (again) contradict each other. That's called being confused, in simple terms, I guess.

Random thought of the day: I wonder if snakes who accidentally start swallowing their own tails, which dooms them to death cause they can't vomit or spit out what they've started to eat, so they have to keep swallowing, actually are committing suicide on purpose.

I kinda knew I'd find a reason to keep my Qruiser account around and to use it, even now detransitioning. Like I'm not entirely cishet. But I'll keep calling myself "more or less straight" until I know for sure if I'm really bi or not. I suppose I am bisexual, but I want to be sure. And I need experiences to get sure. When I fantasise about having sex with other women, it does turn me on greatly, but it can't quite get me all the way to orgasm unless I include a guy in my fantasies as well. I'm not sure if that's my hangups preventing me from fully enjoying it, or my lack of experiences preventing me from fully imagining it realistically enough, or my attraction not being quite "there", or even my body with its total lack of tits upsetting and interrupting my fantasies.

I really want to have tits that I could squeeze against another girl's tits in a tight, naked hug. That just seems totally amazing. One day though, one day I'll be able to do that, and feel it.

I dreamed about tits last night. That I had gotten the prostethic's bra that I recently ordered but have not yet gotten in real life, and that it was huge but looked great on me and was super comfortable. Then in another dream or another part of the same dream I had new tits that I had gotten surgically and they were amazing. Like I could feel their weight, bounciness, squishiness and it just... fulfilled me. And filled me with such joy and comfort and like really a total "I'm home now" feeling in my body. That exact completeness I thought I'd reach by removing my original tits.

I didn't even know I was wrong about that, but this dream about how I'd feel getting new tits, definitely tells me that I was not actually happy about getting a mastectomy. I was upset about my flat chest for an entire year after the surgery, until I started to "learn" to be fine with it. Doesn't sound like I was all that pleased with it, does it? It shocked me back then, and the first time I saw my post-op chest at home in the shower, I very nearly passed out from the shock, but I couldn't figure out why I felt so upset about it. Well, until now. Now I understand.

Wistful thinking

It's starting to get kinda heart-tearing now, this missing my tits situation. I was looking at bras online again. Something to buy. A little larger but especially more comfy. And I stumbled across a very specific style... intended for women with breast prostetics. It hit a nerve, hard, in me. I think it's exactly the kind of bras I should be getting, but fuck it hurts. I more and more have been starting to feel... well, amputated. I've always gotten phantom boob feelings from time to time, but now it really affects me when that happens, and it happens much more frequently, like several times per day, every day. It makes me feel so lost and hurt. And it's really hitting at my conscience too, cause wasn't it my choice to have them removed? Well, fuck me sideways if it wasn't.

I did google breast prostetics, to see if I could maybe buy a pair somewhere online. Well I could, technically. But with no way of knowing what the size system even means or even if they come in pairs or singular... it could be a very expensive mis-purchase. Also buying more like "breast forms" that are more intented for trans women wouldn't be cheaper at all. That's even more expensive, but at least then I'd know what I'd get. I wonder if that's something the gender clinic could help with... just to have something while waiting for surgery. I don't know. Now I really hate that it could be a very long time until that could happen. Fuck I just feel so unfathomably screwed over and like I just need to get myself restored again right away. It feels like I have a huge wound in my chest and it keeps gaping wider and getting more painful.

At the same time I'm getting increasingly more upset about my beard growth and excess body hair as well. The regret itself, over my choice to transition, cuts those emotional wounds even deeper. Cause it's literally my own fucking fault, I screwed myself over so completely. I betrayed myself, deeply. And also... I hated transitioning, felt like I was never gonna get done with becoming a guy physically or whatever... and now with detransitioning... my medical journey suddenly got even longer and even more distressing on my mind. As if someone just stretched out the road in front of me. Like a rubber band. Well that snapped right back into my face, didn't it?

I'm trying really hard to not hate myself over it. To not kick myself bloody over it. But it's just so painful... like it literally tears my heart out and abuses it. And all I can do is watch, and feel. It makes me want to scream, and destroy something. Just take some object and tear it up into pieces. Pulverise it. But it wouldn't be enough. Give me an entire factory of objects to destroy one at a time and maybe by the time I've wrecked every single item, thousands of them, maybe then I'd calm down and collapse on the floor, shaking and crying from the release of all this tension, sadness, anger, fear and pain. The whole fucking register of human emotions. Cause yes, there's love too. A deep, vibrant, warming love for my own heart and mind. That love makes me want to hold and comfort myself, instead of hurting myself more.

When I used to fear detransition, before I had discovered this truth, and lived as a trans guy thinking I was really a man... it was this that I pictured in my mind. I was right to be scared. I had every reason to fear it. It's just as horrible as I imagined it would be. Now I have to live with it. I don't know if maybe I'm slipping into a depression now. I can't make myself take care of my apartment and can barely care for my body either. I'm slacking behind a lot, using the same unclean cups and glasses again and again, just whiping off the edge. The floors are covered in piles of clothing, garbage and other various items. I can barely walk in here cause of the mess. I can't manage dealing with it. Any of it. I can't force myself to anything. I'm breaking. And it has everything to do with my detransitioning. Fuck I can't lose my will to live now, it took so long and was so hard to find it... but it's slipping.

I just want to lie down and fall asleep and sleep for however long it would take to get everything done. Everything up until tit surgery, by the way. That, I really want to be there for. I can imagine that waking up with new tits will give me the most amazing feeling of satisfaction and at-home-ness that I'll ever feel. It's like what they say, you know: you never know what you really need/want until you lose it. I think losing my tits has finally caught up with me that I really did love them. Deep at heart I'm sure I did. And now, knowing that, it really cuts me up. So... I think waking up from the future surgery of getting new tits, would fill up that void to the brim with immense positive feelings. Like it would heal me, put me back together again. I'd likely cry, lots of happy tears. That moment, I really wouldn't want to miss out on.

I can't imagine the gender clinic will be happy to hear from me again though. Not like this. I think that's the last thing they want to hear, a former patient regretting their sex change and wanting permanent stuff fixed back to birth sex traits again. I guess I'm in the 3% of transitioning people to go back and regret it then. That incredibly unlucky 3% of poor sods, huh. Well I'm gonna need to contact that gender clinic about it either which way, or if I'll have my mother do that for me, cause of the reversing medical interventions I want to seek out and get. They could help with referrals, getting things financially covered and shit like that. They might wanna talk to me in person as well. I think I'd both hate it and be relieved/comforted for such a meeting if it would happen. But I wouldn't mind it, regardless. I would feel sad though, for giving them the worst news that they could possibly get from a patient. I hate giving bad news.

This is really doing a number on me though. Like fucking hell it beats me up. I traded away my womanhood, and now I feel lost within myself and practically ravaged without it. I can't live without it. I need to get my body back again. I'm almost at the point of crying myself to sleep at night over this. I feel the weight of the tears pushing from within, pretty much every day but not every hour, but they never fall over the edges of my eyes. They're invisble cries. Drinking didn't help. I don't know what would.

The pain and the relief of detransitioning

July 11th.
Okay I absolutely hated being at the job training place today. No one said or did anything bad, but I just felt and still feel... so incredibly broken. Like I'm trying to reclaim something that is lost and invisible, scrambling for dead remains in an old grave, that don't look like they should anymore. I hurt a lot, like it's ravaging within me. I miss my old self so bad I don't know what to do. I've had a more or less constant stomach pain this entire week since discovering I'm not trans. Like a concentrated lump of pain for everything I've lost. It feels like all those years of me as a guy I was living a lie. And I used to think it was girl me that was the lie. Seeing now it was actually the reverse... it hurts like fucking hell. Like I betrayed myself deeply and I didn't even know it. In fact I thought I had saved myself, when in reality I ruined myself. And trying to reconnect with myself and that choice I made... it's tearing up massive wounds.

It's starting to already really sink in deep now... like a knife that cuts me open... what the fuck I've done to myself. Going on testosterone was a big step in the wrong direction, and I took it so lightly. Now I have to live with the consequences. Having top surgery was an even bigger step in the same wrong direction. Now it's nearly tearing me apart. I've lost something precious and I can't find it. It's lost forever, and I'm too broken to mourn it. I'm just sitting here, still, like a silent echo unable to react at all. I miss my hairless face and barely fuzzy body, and I miss my boobs so fucking much it physically hurts. I fumble for them but can't find them. The flatness that meets my cupping hands feels like a gaping hole where I once had what I couldn't love. I couldn't love my breasts cause of how others handled them, so I wanted them gone so they could never be touched again. Now it aches in me that no one can touch them.

Cause it was the exact same about my pussy. I couldn't love it cause of how others had handled it, so I wanted it gone. But I managed to snap back and see the truth behind that pain, several months ago now. I snapped back hard and fell in love with my pussy like never before. So now I know, painfully... that I could have done the same about my boobs. If only I had. But instead I had them carved away from my body, forever. Fuck. At least I didn't actually do that to my pussy. I would not have hesitated to end my life if I had done that before getting this realisation. Cause now, even though I'm distressed out of my mind about all of this... being able to at least hold on to my pussy, the realness of it and what it means to me is a huge comfort.

Knowing now I should have removed my fears and disgust by working through my trauma so that I could have learned to love my breasts, instead of removing them. They were pretty, before I started binding. Very round and perky. They had a perfect shape that almost looked fake but were perfectly natural. Now I miss the feeling of squeezing them together with my arms, cupping them with my hands, feeling them squish towards my ribs when hugging someone I like, feeling someone else's hands gently cup around them... fuck, I want them back. And that pain in my chest sinks to my stomach. Why did I do it? Why did I get them removed? Why...?

I remember all the anxiety I felt that one month right before the surgery. It felt as though my subconscious was screaming violently at me, but I thought it was just me being nervous. I had never had any sort of surgery before, so I thought my reaction was related to that, and my fear of dying during the operation. That wasn't normal nerves though. I was panicking. Literally constantly for a month. I took so many sedative meds, like 5-6 times per day, it was insane. The meds barely even took the edge off of how I felt. Like I was starting to throw up my soul. That was far beyond normal amounts of anxiety, and far beyond normal surgery woes. That was pure, rampant panic. I think it was my subconscious trying to tell me to not do it, but I didn't listen. Oh why didn't I fucking listen?!

I'm not really angry at myself. I'm just so fucking sad over this situation, like I just wanna cry but I can't. Perhaps if I'd go off testo I could actually cry again. Maybe now I want to. I need to get it out of my head that crying=weakness but it's a deeply learned belief since my childhood cause of my bullies, so it won't be easy to unlearn it. But maybe now I actually want to be able to cry more easily, and get in touch with my emotions again. The stoic-ness that testo gave me might have been good and a huge relief up until now, but maybe I need and do want to get that softness of my mind on estrogen back. Maybe I miss that too.

I'll be going to that gyno tomorrow and plan on bringing up the question of contraception methods as well as getting the other stuff done. My thought about getting some birth control stuff is not only avoid pregnancies, but also have something that could keep away my periods or at least make them less intense, if or when I'll go off from testo. Then I'd have one less thing to worry about in terms of that. But I'm guessing it has to be a birth control that doesn't contain estrogen so that it's compatible with my high levels of testosterone, I mean if having high levels of both would be bad. If not, I wouldn't mind it. Then maybe that could help as a slightly faster shift from testo to estro, but I don't suppose it could actually lower my testo levels. But at this damn rate I won't be able to reach female levels of testo before Christmas, and that's not an exaggeration. Cause if I'll just do nothing from here on, the levels will still be within healthy male range at least until October. And then for them to go down all the way to healthy female range... I don't think it's unrealistic that would take yet another 3 months, if not more. Now the only thing I don't want back is wider hips and bigger ass/thighs. I guess I'd really have to try to save up money for a liposuction then.

And I also really would like to look into doing something about this beard growth and excess hair on my upper body. Laser doesn't actually remove all of it, but more so thins it out a lot, so that could be an option to look into, eventually. More so than electrolysis, I mean, which does remove everything and is pretty damn intense hair removal. Like it really burns the hair follicles and as far as I've heard, hurts really bad and can cause burn wounds and even permanent scarring. So I'd at least want to thin out my face fluff cause it's really really intense, dark and grows fast. It's stressing me the fuck out that I can't hide it without caking on makeup. Can I wear a paper bag over my head when I go swimming so no one gets to see my fucking beard shadow?

I wouldn't mind a litttle bit of shaving. Like how it is on my cheeks and upper lip is thin and sparse enough to come off easily and doesn't leave a shadow. I'd be fine with it being like that on the rest of my beard area as well. The worst areas now are side burns, chin, along the jawline and the whole underside of my jaw. Those leave a clearly bluish shadow and get stubbly quickly after shaving. So those areas I'd focus on getting lasered then.

The rest of the hair on my body I can more easily manage by just shaving once or twice a week. Chest hair I'd like to get rid of though, cause it's very dark against almost paper white skin so it shows even when it's newly shaven, and that bothers me. Same with my stomach hair but I'm not often showing that body part when out and about. Don't know if waxing would be better, for everything below my neck, I mean. So I want that lasered too, chest and stomach, I mean. Legs are much more managable, grows slower and are a lot lighter shade of brown. My arms got a little more hairy from the testo, but very little and they don't look all that masculine. Many women have about the same amount of arm hair as I do, some have more. So I actually leave my arm hair as it is. Ass crack hair is annoying as fuck, but I'm not sure if it could be reasonable to get that lasered or just weird. Not that I'd care, but still. As far as I know, my back is still hairless, except from very few stray hairs on my upper back and shoulders, so that requires very minimal grooming.

More and more I do want to get implants to get a new pair of tits. In my mind I imagine that my now top surgery scars could likely end up hidden under new boobs. When I think about getting new ones, it soothes and calms me with a warming, comforting feeling. I'd really like that, and I think it would be immensely comforting to have that kind of body part again. I don't care if they'd look a little fake or "too round/perky" a little uneven or whatever. Although I'd try to get them as natural- and good-looking as a skilled surgeon could reasonably make them. Within reason, of course. I wouldn't nitpick. But yeah, I've been feeling the most comfortable with a bigger chest now, it feels more me and I think I look great with it. When it's big enough to show bumps even when wearing thicker jackets, but not so big it looks like I'm about to fall over from the weight of them.

Thinking about those things I can actually do in the future to make myself feel like my body is mine again, comforts me right now. Like there is some hope. And I still do like that I can choose my tit size by having surgery to get new ones, I wouldn't be stuck with an unsatisfyingly small B-cup but can pick any size I want. I'm sure I'd go with at least C-cup size, but likely a bit bigger than that. Like D or DD, I think would be great on my chest. I've always wanted big tits, except from when I blocked that wish out of my head for that wish to be a guy. It reminds me of that I used to stuff my push-up bras extra much, back in my teens. I could get such a great looking cleavage... I will be able to get that again, perhaps an even better looking one, with no need or wish to stuff my bras with heaps of padding, that they'd do fine just as they are in a form-pressed, supporting bra. Wonderful big boobs that I could embrace and have others embrace as well. A gentle hug that's always on my chest...

At that job training place... I don't know why I felt so sad and broken being there. One guy didn't recognise me and asked me if I was knew there, and I hated saying "I'm John" cause I thought it would be too confusing or weird if I said Laura, but I wanted to. Another guy didn't say anything but kept staring at me all the freaking time. That made me so uncomfortable, I felt like a drag show while I kept telling myself 'but I'm a cis girl...' as though my mind couldn't make sense of it. But other than that, no one said or did anything. Most of them didn't seem to care. I kinda wanted for them to mention it or ask about it so that I could clarify I'm really a girl and not in drag or crossdressing... but they didn't and now I'm thinking that's what they must think of me, it made me unable to focus on anything else during my 3 hours there. It just hurt so fucking bad. As though transitioning somehow made me into a bio guy and now I have to defend being a girl like I just can't... it's messed up. It's messing me up. I just wanna be me, for fuck's sake I'm so sick of all this gender chaos! I just wanna go back as though transitioning never happened.

July 12th.
I did mention to the gynecological ward (when I called to get an appointment) that I'm trans and legally male... I guess I might have to explain that now, going there looking like a woman later this morning. But I feel better about that though, cause then I won't possibly be seen as a guy in drag, cause I'm literally there to get my natural pussy checked on. It feels like I'm really holding on to the fact I have a pussy now. Like it's the only thing still female about my body now and I just feel so comforted by that it's still there, it's mine and I was born with it. And I feel good about taking good care of it too. Speaking of which, I'm writing down the word "latex" in big capital letters on my arm to remind myself of mentioning my allergy. Cause I forgot it for my last gyno visit and that wasn't nice at all. It hurt like a damn motherfucker! So, gonna want to avoid repeating that little mistake.

The gyno visit went fine. It was a kind woman who was easy to talk to, and it wasn't awkward or scary at all. All the swabbing and rubbing of my vag made me kinda sore in there though. Let me just say that getting the tiny opening in the cervix (that leads up to the uterus) swabbed with something that looked like a mascara brush was NOT comfortable. Ouch. But the speculum didn't hurt at all like it has in the past. I barely even felt it going in. But yeah, I don't know how many times she swabbed my insides with various items to test for everything, but something like 10 times? Maybe? She warned me that I might bleed a little afterwards.

About birth control stuff I told her I might want to go off testo and also had to inform her that testo is not a very good contraceptive. She said she wasn't sure what could work with me taking testo but thought maybe a spiral with only gestagen could work, but she needs to ask someone else about that to make sure. So she'll call me about it and if it could work, I'll get back to the gynecological ward and get it inserted. She showed me what it looks like and I just thought "aw, that's a cute, tiny little thing!" and then after the appointment I thought "please tell me that does not hurt like a living hell to get stuffed up into my uterus?!" but I'm sure I'd survive that too. Oh god, now I really don't want to wait 3 fucking months to get this damn testosterone out of me. Can I get it sucked out of my thigh muscle somehow?! Ugh, yeah whatever.

My mother said I dressed like a teen today though. I think I look like a trashy hooker, but maybe that's just me. I do have some 90's teen vibes to my look though, with a very tight (formerly) white denim zip up vest that looks a bit like a fake overbust corset without wiring that actually gives me a little bit of cleavage cause of pushing the tiny bit of chest fat I have towards the middle! It felt great seeing something like a cleavage on my chest. And then I matched that with a short kilt-inspired red/black/white checkered skirt, a black leather studded belt, black fake leather studded bracelets, my black leather waist bag and knee high black boots. As for my makeup I went more brown and burgundy today. Oh, and my mom so kindly told me I needed to shave... yeah, thanks! Nothing boosts my confidence like being told my stubble is showing through my makeup... just ugh.

Then we went shopping as well and I found sooo much clothes and shoes, belts and bags at one of the thrift stores in the city, like holy shit! That was two full bags of stuff! That store really had a lot of awesome looking things. I found several skirts, a few shirts/tops, a dress or two, some cardigans, a belt, three pairs of shoes, one bag... like yeah, that was quite a shopping spree and I had so much fun just finding more and more that looked awesome and fit! Almost everything in black, was just one shirt that was beige. Also a dress that's probably gonna be very large on me but I'm thinking wearing it with a belt at my waist it will look great. Correction: the dress is not too big, but is of my size and it's probably a shirt, not a dress, cause it very very barely covers my pussy when I'm bare underneath it. That turned me on.

Let's play the game of "is this a shirt or a dress?" alternatively "can this shirt be worn as a dress?" while not wearing any underwear... just for the thrill of it! I'm such an exhibitionist, seriously... it turns me on so bad thinking I might be seen naked, or just my genitals, or doing something sexual.

Oh one more thing, although it's just barely related to my detransititioning... I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I do like women anyway. Cause I'm starting to think that my "fading bisexuality" was actually just my growing contempt for women and femaleness, as it so conveniently coincided with my "feeling more male" phase last year. Cause now... as I'm starting to reconnect with my own femaleness and womanhood... women do seem kinda beautiful, and attractive again. So, did my sexuality really change or was it my perspective that did? In the car on my way back home after the trip to Visby today, I did kinda slipped into a fantasy about sex with another woman. I guess I kinda thought about that "male gyno" fantasy and then knowing the gyno I had was a woman, and a not too bad looking one at that... my mind kinda took me places! Like I thought I woundn't have minded her being inappropriate with me. And then now back at home again, I did kinda masturbate to the thought of being in a very hot threesome with a guy and a girl. In my mind I licked her pussy while he fucked mine. That made me cum really hard.

So... maybe I need to look into that about me possibly actually being bisexual again. Fuck I thought I was done debating my sexuality with myself, but apparently not. But it does make sense though. That me "hating" femaleness and womanhood cause of my trauma made me kinda "push away" my attraction to women. I remember I had a huge crush on a girl when I was 14. I was practically in love with her. Her name was Elena and she had long, very light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, kinda average curvy body and like she didn't look like a photo model or anything, and I barely even knew her at that church group where we met, but damn she made me really weak in my knees like I had never felt for a girl before. It was because of her I figured I was bisexual when I was 15, after reading an article about bi and gay girls in a teen magazine that I was subscribing to, thus learning the words for how I felt. I felt that me liking girls sexually and romantically was clearly gay.

Now, I'm almost kinda daring to explore in my mind what might constitute as "lesbian sex" as in me as a girl having sex with another girl. What that could be like and if it's possible I might actually want and be into that. And could I fall for a girl again? Well I've never said never, I never entirely closed that door even when I firmly called myself 'gay' as a guy. And I've always liked pussy, regardless. How much I drooled over my trans ex boyfriend's pussy, how incredibly beautiful and sexy it appeared to me, looks and feeling and scent and everything, yearning to feel its beauty against my tongue and lips, kinda has me thinking I would have absolutely loved it. So yeah, I definitely know I love pussy, my own and others', even though I've never... but one day I will, I'll make sure I won't die without that experience. Whether it's a trans guy or a cis girl or why not both? Time will tell, I hope.

Me, half a lesbian, half straight? Who would have thought. Well I once did, in my teens. But it's still weird for me to use the word "lesbian" in regards to myself even though i know I can't possibly be an actual lesbian due to my insanely strong attraction to men... but I mean, yeah you know what I mean. It's weird to think of myself as "WLW"* when I not even two weeks ago thought of myself as "MLM."* Also I hate to admit this because I know it's shitty, but it's something I really need to work on to change... my stupid idea that it's not really "sex" if there's no penetration. Which does exclude a lot of girl-on-girl sex in my mind as "doesn't count" which sucks. So okay, I'm real fucking sucker for getting penetrated, but I mean come on? I've had non-panatrative sex with guys as well! But that's the thing: it didn't feel like sex then. Felt more like petting or making out naked then. Like I need to get myself properly stuffed with something, whether a toy or a body part, for me to feel like it's actually sex. Or for me to do that on my partner, I guess. I could ignore that opinion of mine as a "gay guy" but I probably can't as a bi girl.

[In case explanation is needed. WLW: women loving women. MLM: men loving men. In the context of same gender attraction.]

Well maybe I could just say that sex is sex as long as there's some kind of genital contact between the people involved, but my prissy self is not gonna get satisfied without getting at least one of my two lower holes filled the fuck up, cause that's what I like the best and feel really good doing. Yeah I've been trying that thought for a while but it doesn't want to get stuck.

And no, this is not me trying to shoehorn myself back into the lgbt community... I've already promptly asked my stupid brain that question about this and I don't think that's what's going on here. It seems to be a genuine change of perspective due to what released within me when I discovered I'm not trans and connected with my womanhood. Cause what came along with that, was getting a little less misogynistic. That me starting to feel better about women as people, seems to be "re-awakening" my "former" bisexuality. I guess it just took a nap, or something! It ain't dead yet!

This might lead to an even stronger attraction to women that I have not felt before. So maybe I'll be chasing pussy as well as dick in not that long from now-ish. Somehow I feel better about possibly flirting with girls as a girl myself. I don't think I'd feel like a predator or creep as much then, even if I'd go bold and direct, and because my flirting methods have always been feminine. This does make a lot of sense to me, so it doesn't come as a surprise at all, that I seem to still be into women. I'm like "yeah, of course this is happening now, I should have expected it but guess I was just busy with other thoughts" kinda. And it's really not a big deal for me. Sure, I've had little to no sexual/intimate experiences with women, but I mean so what? I'm not that old, I'm sure that if I'd really want to, I could find someone to give me such experiences. But I've gotta admit though, I'll likely be more picky with women than I am with men. I know I have a pretty clear "type" when it comes to women. That small, ultra feminine type. Either blonde or ginger and softly feminine, or dark-haired and goth/alternative feminine. However I think I could open up some space for other types as well. Like other body types, at least.

So yeah, with women I'd be kinda "fem for fem" I guess! Which is funny to me now cause yeah, not even a few weeks ago I thought of myself as "masc for masc" as a gay guy...

Oh my god, why have I never told you!? I don't know why I keep forgetting it, but... maaaany years ago now (I was 15) I actually did have a date with a girl who was 17 at the time. She was Asian, sporty and kinda alternative butch. She made me a drawing of some random person's feet/legs wearing jeans and Converse shoes, and I'm sure I kept it somewhere, in a diary or drawing pad maybe. What was her name... Jane! That was it. She was bisexual and she found me on Qruiser. She was the first person I met from online, and I had completely forgotten about her.

Wow, my brain really sucks sometimes, to let me forget that it was Jane who was the first person I met from the internet, and not my rapist. It wasn't a very great date with her though, we didn't connect at all and we were both very distant and nervous. Also there was a language barrier that I was unaware of before we met. She wasn't very good at speaking Swedish and her English wasn't a whole lot better, but we managed to talk somewhat okay in Swenglish. Bear in mind that my own English was not nearly as good back then as it is now. I wasn't really fluent yet.

But I do remember her... at least a little. I can't recall what her face looked like anymore, I only vaguely think she might have been Korean, like that she told me that. And that I thought she was cute, but I didn't get any sparky feelings for her. Probably cause her personality clashed pretty hard with mine and communication was so difficult. We never talked or met up again after that date, so I guess we were both disappointed. That was one of those "almost could have been's" that got lost somewhere at the bottom of my endless piles of memories. That I suddenly recalled it now though... I wonder if that means something. That my mind dug it up for me, as though it said "here, how about a little blast from the past to get you thinking some more about reclaiming that bisexuality?" Thanks brain, for at least working properly on occasion.

So am I bi or not? The eternal question. Well, give me a (semi) hot girl who wants to fuck me and I'll tell you afterwards. Cause at this point, I think that's probably what it kinda takes for me to figure out if I'm really into women or not. But as far as I can tell from here, without ever having fucked a girl and only having my imagination to go by... I'd say it's likely I have some buried/stuffed away attraction to women, and since I'm definitely attracted to men, that would make me more or less bisexual. But I'm clearly no pansexual though, because I do care about what gender any potential mates are, and I'm clearly only really attracted to masculine men and possibly also feminine women. So I'd not be attracted to "people regardless of gender" but rather certain specific men and specific women and which one probably depending on my mood. Wow, please remind me to never get married...

If I can just fantasise about my detransitioning journey, similar to what I did say in that email, but on a much more positive perspective as in looking forward to that stuff and the results of it... although of course I have to take into consideration it will likely be a bit painful and frustrating as well... then what would I want to do and kind of in what order if I could choose that? I think I should go from least extreme and save the most intense stuff for last, if possible:

Well I'd like to stop taking testo first, and if I haven't already by then, go on a birth control of some kind to keep periods in check (just reduced but not eliminated would be good enough) and pregnancies away. And also get around to fixing a legal name change. Then I'd like to look into some laser hair removal. Cause as I said that's a little less intense than electrolysis and I think it would be a good start, and it might even be enough. Here in Sweden, trans women are usually recommended to start with laser and then do electrolysis later on if needed. I think that alone will make me feel much better and more relaxed about myself. Then I'm really hoping I could get scheduled for new tits sometime after or during that procedure. And also look into getting my legal gender marker changed back to female again, if possible. And of course keep checking in with a therapist to how I'm feeling about about "changing back" if it's going well or bad or whatever, and my mental health status in general.

That, I think, should be it and I think it would really help me feel good in my own skin, like the beautiful woman I know I still and actually am, somewhere inside. And I know it's what's inside that matters, but I really do feel like I need this "restoration" now, and I want whatever results I can envision in my mind. So have I decided to go off testo then? More or less, about 90% sure, I think. I'll contact my endo about it when I'm more certain.

Life feels strange, still. As though I'm seeing it through another window now. But I'm still in the same house. And I've been trying desperately my whole life to make that house into my home. It feels like when I still lived in the house I grew up in and hated living there. Ever since me and my family moved away from it... I've missed it a lot. Oh, by the way. I'm a girl in my nightly dreams now. Ever since my discovery. I don't think my brain has ever been that quick to catch on to my changes, whether physical or psychological.

That brings me to another feeling. I've only had two dreams in which I was a cis guy, and in the first of them I had... I was a 12 year old boy who was repeatedly raping his 9 year old sister. Suddenly, that dream speaks volumes about how intricately connected my gender issues are/were with my sexual trauma issues. That I thought I was a guy because of rape, pretty much. That I tried to remove my abused gendered traits... was most certainly the wrong move. My subconscious mind always knew, and tried to tell me about it... but I don't speak well in riddles.

Well, eventually I got the message. And I think me finding out I wanted to keep my pussy was the real start of it. Cause that wasn't just me liking to get my cunt fucked and not wanting SRS anymore. That was me literally aligning and spiritually connecting to the most female aspect of my body as though it aligned with my gender. It was the beginning of my awakening, cause ever since then, I started doubting my transness much more, and people around me started doubting it as well. But then it took a while before I dared to open that door in my mind. But now I stand on the other side of it, looking through a mirror. It's given me a very surreal feeling of what's going on. A little "Alice in Wonderland" effect to how I filter my world through my mind.

I keep switching between thinking "this isn't so bad" and feeling like I have a huge hole in my stomach of regret, sadness and pain for what I've put myself through. Like I just want to hold myself and tell her I'm so so so sorry, and I'll fix it, I'll make it better again somehow, that I'll do whatever I can and I won't give up. So I'm not mad, I'm sad and filled with a pain I can't even begin to fully understand. And I'm shocked. I still am, trying to make sense of it all, but fail to grasp it. I feel like a woman now and I love being a woman. I don't need to follow what society thinks a womn should be like, I'll be my own kind of woman.

Cause I can be anything I want to be as a woman. I can become a master of karate, I can be a professional whore, I can sleep around recklessly only thinking with my pussy, I can dress in super short skirts and have my (future) fake tits hanging halfway out of a too small shirt and wear layers of skanky makeup or drag around in jeans and a hoodie, I can burp in public and enter drinking contests with cis guys at some random bar, I can even use my over-priced stp dick when needing to pee outdoors and dumbfound everyone around me as to even how I can take a leak standing up as though it's no big deal what so ever, I can stay un-married and child-free forever and go to parties for a living and whore around for a passion, I can be strong and empowering, I can advocate for men's rights and rail on feminism, I can flirt with women and men and have sex with anyone of either gender who wants to, I can write and make art like I always have... My point is I can do anything I so damn well please, without taking society's expectations into count. I'm sweet and feminine but also wild and masculine. I'm fire and ice. I don't care about rules and expectations, I literally never have. Nothing's stopping me from doing what I want in life as a woman. Being a woman IS enough. And that took me damn long enough to figure out. But now I know and now I embrace it.