From one nightmare to another

A night full of nightmares again, I almost cried myself to sleep cause it was so horrible. Now I can't even remember the dreams. Waking up is resisting me, I'm too tired to function but too alert to go back to bed. I hate this in between state. No I can't even draw cause I'm shaking too much. Lack of nicotine and caffeine in my body perhaps, as to why I'm shaking, I mean. It had been almost 14 hours from yesterday's last cigarette to today's first. I was half asleep, waking up more often than not, for most of that time though. Just too lazy to get out of bed.

And I had almost forgotten, what last night's conversation with my mother brought me to. If you read that blog entry (the one right before this one) that's what I'm referring to. Perhaps I'm still exhausted, but I've forgotten most of my chaotic thoughts from then by now. Slept them away or something. Nightmares got me distracted. Everything that needs to be done in the future... I can't breathe. I still need to talk to my psychologist before I think I can even start. Bloody bad timing she had with getting sick. Although it's not her fault and it's not her that I'm mad at. Just the circumstances, and the whole situation.

If there's anyone I'm actually mad at it's my mother. For her refusal to support my decisions in any way at all. I don't think she cares whether I suffocate here or not. She only cares about the practical. She only sees the negative sides, to both decisions. And I'm just too fed up with her to even bother trying to explain how I think both those decisions can benefit my well being, but I think, that one day I will anyway. When I realise that she's still one of the most important people in my life. I wouldn't want to rank anyone as the most important person in my life though, it completely depends on the situation.

Just a handful of people that are all the most important to me, which are (in no order): my mother, my best friend, K and Y. None of them comes last and none of them comes first. Although I don't have much contact with K and my best friend these days, that's got nothing to do with it. I suddenly wonder how K would take my decision to have a child. I remember we've spoken a little bit sort of about that, the first night we met in real life. He was drunk and I had only had two drinks over a time span of like six hours or so, he was very talkative while I mostly just listened, but I remember telling him that I wanted to keep my reproductive organs just in case I ever wanted a child in the future, and I think that he was understanding about that.

More than so I really can't and shouldn't say. So I won't. But I don't think he would think of it as a terrible idea, me having a child. And also I hope that after I've moved, I could perhaps see him a bit more often. Maybe end up at the same parties/night clubs or just hang out. I don't really know, but more contact would be good. Although, I don't know if I'll already be pregnant by the time I end up in Uppsala, but likely not. I don't think my mother understands that just the process of me getting pregnant can take years. A lot of time for her to come to terms with the situation, in other words. And a lot of time for me to prepare.

I hope I've made my last suicide attempt ever now. I would never want to scare my child with that sort of thing. It makes me think of one of my favourite books, by Ann Heberlein, when she wrote about her love for her three children and how it kept her alive in a way. But she still wanted to attempt suicide and she still had all her chaos in her head. She wrote about having bipolar disorder and a lot of anxiety. I always could relate to her on some level, and the way she described her love for her children has always touched me deeply. I think I will be able to relate to her a lot more when I'll have my own child.

I think I've mentioned that book before, as it's the only one of her books that I've read. Well, not technically read, I have only heard it as an audio book, so technically I've listened to it. I only have it in the audio book version, I don't have the actual book. I've heard it maybe three or four times now, so I do think I know it quite well. It is an autobiography, mainly about her life as it was by the time it was written. She didn't include much of her past, just a few things. Like that she was raped on the Swedish Independence Day, which I could relate to a lot cause I was raped on Valentines Day, both days that are celebrated.

I believe she was 38 when her book was written, and it does feel a little weird that I could already in my early 20's relate so much to a 38 year old woman, a mother. But then again, I can relate to a lot of different kinds of people, no matter how different we may seem to be. Something else, I thought about it just a little bit yesterday, in the midst of it all, that whenever I'll have enough money to try for a driver's license, and my parents refuse to let me practice drive with them, I thought maybe I have some older friends in or around Uppsala that I could perhaps drive with instead.

Cause here in Sweden you have to have had a driver's license for at least 20 years, or if it was 25 years, to have someone practice driving with you. That's a major inconvenience for me as my parents won't let me, so that's why I'd have to find some of my older friends who could possibly be up for that task instead. Too bad my classmates won't be an option when I'll be living on the main land again, or that would have been good. But yeah. Only one I can think of right now is perhaps my ex's mother, who I'm still in contact with. But... thing is she's the mother of the ex of mine who treated me very badly. She's R's mother. I always liked her though and I do think she's a really decent person, but that son of hers is a totally different story, a story I've told you about many times before.

So yeah, could get complicated. I don't think she's even remotely aware of how awful my relationship with R really was. Although I'm pretty sure she would still remember that we fought a lot in the end of our relationship, cause we did fight in front of her a lot, as far as I can remember at least.

Oh, seems my teenage idol Brolle has come out out with a few new cd's since last I checked. Then I have some "new" music to listen to now, which is good cause I was getting bored with what I've been listening to lately.

Nope, can't get anything done today, I'm going back to bed. Can barely stay awake anyway. This is useless. So utterly pointless to even try to stay awake. I'm tired of being tired all the time.

Bring me to life

So... I just told my mother about my moving plans because it was getting too difficult to talk about anything with bringing up my endocrinologist and everything. I know her first reaction to me wanting a child was good and then turned bad so I guess I'm more prepared for the same thing about me moving. Of course she told me I had to do it myself so I guess I'll be searching for ads for apartments in Uppsala all spring in hopes to find the smallest bit of something I could live in. Cause apparently my queue for apartments in Uppsala is so low that there's literally nothing. I don't know if things are actually meant to happen this year or if I'm just gonna wear myself out for nothing.

Cause I just got that feeling. Trying to find a legal apartment that is decent and big enough for money I can afford (with allowance then) within the Uppsala district this year suddenly sounds halfway impossible. I wonder if I could possibly buy an apartment instead of just renting it, or if that wouldn't be possible with my financial situation? I have to look into it somehow. I tried to tell my mother how I hate it on this island and missing my friends and what not. I don't know if she'll ever understand. Why did I have to move here in the first place? How stupid could I be?

I know it's still weekend and Easter but I would want to get into contact with my endocrinologist sometime next week. Yeah I could just go off testosterone like my mother suggested but I think it would be better to schedule an appointment so that I can go through that decision with my endocrinologist and also I could ask things like what to expect going off testosterone, how long it could take for my body to "get back to normal" again and such.

All these thoughts make my head hurt, and I'm sensing it's gonna get much much worse. My mother was like "good luck, have fun" about both my life decisions and I just... feel like strangling her a bit. I read on various websites about people's mothers wanting to have grand children but their children are not up for that, and I just sit here and wish things were reversed. Why couldn't my mother be... I don't know, but a tad more happy for me or supportive of like the biggest decision of my entire life?

This is probably some control tactic she's playing at, for all I know. That if she doesn't support me she'll think that I would eventually give up on my crazy dreams and get back to "reality" again. I don't know how I can do this on my own. I will have to try and keep trying and hope I won't screw up too much. Like it would be hard for me to inspect apartments in Uppsala from over here if I ever get that far, I won't know what I'll sign up for. Chances are I could be scammed a lot. Of course I'll turn to my friends first, and hear with them if they know someone, anyone, who is moving or just has an apartment free somewhere.

I might even aim for living further away from Uppsala than I intend to, just to get away from this damn island. How is Alunda these days by the way? The village I grew up in. But would I be able to even live with myself if I had to put my child in the same horrible school that I went to as a child? Now that's something to wrap my head around. Or maybe Gimo or Östhammar would be better then, they're a bit bigger, slightly further away and the latter even counts as a city... I think. I don't know, I really don't know. I'm restless in my soul and I just want to go. Do I really have to queue for ten years to get a decent apartment in Uppsala?

Okay I managed to get into the website with apartments myself, and it is like my mother said, just newly built apartments with a rent of at least 7000 kr and if I say I'm interested I'd get like number 70-ish in queue out of like 180. I'm not even sure what all that means but I'm guessing it means my chances of getting those apartments are pretty slim. And I have to make sure I can get the extra allowance for the rent if or before saying I'm interested in those apartments. Cause I can't pay for that kind of rent with just my regular allowance, since that rent is higher than the original amount that I get, which is somewhere around 5-6000 kr.

With the extra allowance though, I get more like 10.000 kr a month, and that pays for my rent which is at 5500 kr. So I guess I'm actually paying around 500 of that rent each month. I just don't understand anything. But yeah, I should start hunting for apartments first in and around Uppsala, secondly anywhere in Uppland. I know I might regret it if I hurry too much and get an apartment in a small village tens of miles from my favourite town, and I guess I should just chill, but right now I just can't fucking think.

But yeah, I could like, make a status update on facebook or something and see if anyone has any suggestions. My best friend might know more, and I think her husband might too. And I hope they'd be willing to help me. At least with explaining things in an understandable way, which my mother is kinda incapable of, especially late at night which is when we talk as she's more of a morning person. I don't know why I felt like I had to tell her right now. Now I have two different things that she'll be against or already is but isn't showing it much. But yeah, I'm not blind, I'm not stupid and I know her.

I know what she feels when she gets silent in the phone like that and says that she has nothing to say about it. When she on some level knows that I can be stubborn as fuck and that when I've decided for something there's nothing stopping me. And she even had the guts to bluntly ask me if I think I could provide a safe environment for my child. I was *this* fucking close to tell her that "yeah well better than you could provide me with at least" but I held my tongue. It was a bit hard to talk with my heart somewhere up in my throat and shaking like a leaf but I did say something about that I'll bring some with me of how I was raised and change a few things here and there, without going into details.

I just didn't think now was the time to tell her about what I thought sucked about the way she raised me. She also again brought up that what about if everything goes to hell and I won't be able to hack it, and I was close to mentioning my best friend, but I didn't want for it to sound like I was just gonna count on her if anything gets a little hard, so I didn't. No, I wouldn't want to give up on caring for my child for anything, but my mother clearly doesn't believe that at all. Nope, she's sooo fucking certain that I would just one day say "fuck this shit, you take care of the kid" as if I ever fucking would.

A child is not a thing you can get bored with and then get rid of. A child is a living breathing human being that deserves all the best and that's what I'm gonna give mine, no matter fucking what. But I can't convince my mother, I don't care about my mother. Although it would be good if she could stop worrying so much about it. She's so damn negative about the whole situations it's making me angry. And this whole deal about moving, I think either I'm gonna give up which won't happen, or she's gonna cave in and help me in the end. She always does. Although I really try not to count on it, I need to try this on my own or how the fuck would I survive life in Uppsala with a child as well?

This is all very overwhelming. My body is so tired by now I literally can't sit up straight (my back kinda hurts in this position too) but my mind is racing like fuck. I've been up and awake since 6:30 this morning too, so that's why my body is so tired by now, and it's 23:02 right now. Right, it's now 1:15 and I'm going to bed. Playing some WoW helped distracting me a bit, so I think I'm good to go.

Also, thank you Y for the flowers, they're really lovely :)

Looking back, facing the future

Oh, how I miss my friends on the main land. Those I haven't seen or heard from for all too long. I know my best friend's ex who is a dear friend of mine still cares about me and I would very much like to get back into some kind of contact with him again. And also I'd like to meet up with another person who used to be a friend of mine and my best friend but she un-friended me on facebook for unknown reasons so I'd just like to know what's up. Like did I do something or what? I don't even know. We weren't extremely close but like... I don't know, I told her about my life like a lot and we used to have fun at parties.

And hell yeah I'll have a housewarming party of the wildest kind when I'm all settled in or around Uppsala again. Invite practically everyone and hope as many people as possible come. I do aim for having a pretty large apartment after all. I would try to plan it as well as I possibly can and pick a date far into the future so that people will be well prepared for it. Like maybe ask people to bring all sorts of food and or sweets they like and then offer booze or something like that. And of course let people sleep over if they need to as well. I need to get a stereo equipment so that music can be played out loud.

Wow it was so long ago since I last held a party of some kind. It must have been for my 21st birthday back in 2010. I wish some of my friends in or around Uppsala celebrated the bigger holidays with friends rather than their families so that I could join in maybe. I'm sick and tired of celebrating with my family. But yeah, once I have my child I probably will and probably should be celebrating Christmas and such with my parents. I mean, my child should meet their grand parents at least once a year or so. I think it would be the best for them, and my own petty needs would definitely not come first anymore then.

I do however look forward to celebrate like Christmas a birthdays and such with my child, like it would be meaningful again in a whole new way. But haha, I kinda suck at buying presents though. But, I think that it won't be so difficult to find presents for a small child. They usually say what they want and not. Lots of toys, I can imagine. Although I'll probably be living on a budget and not be able to afford all that much toys all the freaking time. And they'll want the really fancy and expensive stuff and I'll have to buy a cheap rip off instead and hope my child won't be extremely upset and disappointed by that...

I do remember my own childhood and my parents weren't that rich either. I did get the cheap rip offs and yes I complained but in the end I realised that was way better than getting nothing at all. I was a pretty smart kid after all. Wonder where all that intelligence went. I think my child's childhood might become pretty similar to my own, in how my parents raised me, that is. I liked how no gender roles were forced on me. Over all my home environment was above average, I believe, but yeah, having two asperger parents (although undiagnosed but they're pretty obvious cases both my mother and my father) did make it difficult at times.

They didn't always understand me. I couldn't always read their signals or lack there of, there was a fair bit of misunderstanding, just to mention a few things. And I know my child will have an asperger parent as well, but what can I say? I'll do the best I can with what I've got. I didn't know that many other adults except from my parents when I grew up, except from like daycare staff, school teachers and that sort of people. I hope my child will know more adults such as my friends. My parents didn't and don't really have any friends. Yeah my mother had two pretty close friends that I saw just a handful of times when I grew up but I couldn't really connect with them, except from one, Carina.

I think it's safe to say her name here as I'm no longer in contact with her and I don't even know what happened with her. She was very kind, a fair bit younger than my mother and I remember she gave me clothes and toys. I always had the impression that she really liked both me and my sister, but she was troubled. When my mother first met her she was desperately fleeing from her abusive father. I never knew the full extent of the abuse but I know at some point he literally stole all her pets (dogs and horses) and threatened to have her evicted. I think she was 28 years old at the time, but I'm not sure about my fading memory.

I do still think about her sometimes, as she was the only adult from like the outside that I knew of in my childhood. She was the one who also encouraged me to start writing diaries when I was 8 years old. I thought that was an absolutely lovely idea and I've been writing ever since. Then she had to move again, just a few years later or so, to flee from her father again, and I never saw her again. And that's it, that's all I can say about her.

But yeah, I do hope that my child will get to know my friends a little bit at least. That they won't be all repulsed by the thought of getting to know my child, haha. Oh my god, I have no fucking idea what their reaction is gonna be to me becoming a parent. But, most of them don't even know the full extent of my disabilities so they'll probably think it's all good for me to have a child and what not. Alcohol... I just thought of it. My parents let me drink beer already when I was like 10-12 years old and I had champagne the New Years Eve when I was 11, with the reasoning that they wanted to "take the mystery out of alcohol" already from early on. Although I was thrilled over being allowed to drink, I don't think I would do the same with my child. And it didn't work that way anyway. Both me and my sister are or have been abusing alcohol as adults.

That whole thing just makes me feel uneasy for some reason. I don't think children so young should drink alcohol. It's not good. But then I know teens and their habits, so maybe I would allow for some when they're... I don't know but maybe around 15 years old? I really do hope they won't ever get into alcohol addiction. It runs in the family. Some relatives on my mother's side and now my sister, and I've been there too. But I'm hoping I won't fall back into it again, but truth is I might and I can't do anything about that as of now. Okay that's just a side note, I don't think I really need to worry about that just yet. I haven't even gotten pregnant yet, it's gonna be a long time until my child becomes a teen.

I was just thinking what I would tell my child about my situation with Anna. Since I would want to be as open as possible about everything that isn't plain inappropriate to be open about.

Oh, I heard in a video about pregnancy that the ideal weight for it is to have a BMI of something between 20 and 24 or if it was 25. And I just calculated my BMI and it's at 20,2 so that's kinda exactly on the minimum then. So I'm hopefully not gonna be considered too thin for a pregnancy, or be advised to gain weight. I hope so at least. I'm thinking I'll check my weight once every month or so, just to make sure I stay as close to 57 kg as possible, or mostly keep track of if I lose weight cause then I'd have to gain and what not.

But like, no obsessive every day weighing cause that's just unnecessary. And it could also trigger me back to old habits again. Oh, and if you ever wondered, I have no problem discussing weight loss or stuff like that, like it doesn't trigger me or anything. Not much at all, at least. I know I said I'm doing nothing in terms of working towards my goals right now but I realise it's not exactly true, since I'm fighting this eating disorder right now.

It is a struggle, but not all as hard as I imagined it would be. I mean, it's difficult eating especially in the morning cause I'm so used to intermittent fasting then, and it's hard to know if I'm eating too much, too little or just enough over the course of a day. And also the type of foods I eat have higher calorie count than what I should be eating so that's something I keep in mind as well. I mostly live on bread, hot dogs and portion size pizza. I drink tropic juice, sugar free lemonade, coffee and small amounts of diet coke and tap water these days.

I aim at eating more vegetables and chicken, rice and pasta, and to drink more juice. I'm guessing it's gonna take a while before I can even consider my eating habits semi healthy. It's a long process, for some reason. Good thing I've got time then. I imagine telling my best friend about all my plans, and I wonder how she will react when I do tell her. I will either tell her over facebook any time from now, or when we see each other in May. I hope we can find a time and space when I visit, to talk, just the two of us. I really think we both will need that. To talk freely about everything that's been and about the future. I want to know how she's been too.

I think the last time we talked was in mid January this year, so it wasn't that overly long ago, but yeah, I always miss her and I miss talking to her. Especially now that I have two kinda huge news to give her. And I think she'd like to hear about my suddenly so positive outlook on my future. Like I don't think that's ever happened before, me being positive about my future, that is. And I do hope she has been doing okay since last we spoke. I think about her a lot lately, I just want to get back into her life again, you know?

And I long for living there, closer to her again. So then hopefully we can meet a bit more often than barely once a year. I've been thinking it long before and we've spoken a bit about it too in the past, but now it just hit me again, that maybe I would want for her to be the godmother to my child. I'm not entirely sure, but I might want for her husband to be the godfather in that case. I do consider him one of my closest friends but I'm just not sure how he would want for such things to be. I think it's a decision we should all three be taking together if it's something that I'll even truly want. Maybe it's just a bit too Christian for me, I don't know, but me being a Satanist and all might not work with that godmother/godfather thing.

But yeah, let me put it this way instead, that if something was to happen to me and I wouldn't be able to care for my child anymore (or I'll drop dead, who knows) I would want for the two of them to be the ones to take over my child or how to phrase it. I think that's a really important decision though, and I think they wouldn't decline it either, as I know they're kinda planning on having kids in the future as well, we're practically the same age which could be a good thing too and I trust them with my life so I think I would trust them with my child too. I think it could be really good to have that as some kind of back up or what to say, that if everything turns to hell or what not, I would want for them to step in but only if they'd be up for it.

I know though, that things would have to get really bad for me to give up my child for anyone in the entire world. Like if I die, get so badly injured or ill that taking care of my child wouldn't be possible at all, things like that. Things that can happen no matter how careful you are, things you have literally no control over. Damn, why didn't I think about this before? It could be really important, cause I would want to avoid sending my child to foster care if at all possible. I'm not sure what Swedish laws say about this though. My mother said she would never take care of my child if things turn hellish, and they would be my child's closest relatives. Unless my sister would suddenly raise her voice and agree to take care of my child if things would go terribly wrong, but I kinda doubt it.

Although, I do just remember that my youngest cousin (who's about 5-10 years older than me) is awaiting his first child with his now pregnant wife, and I don't know if they would ever agree to care for my child if I died or whatever. I don't know, I haven't spoken to him in many many years, although we are friends on facebook only because I found him there and he accepted my friend request for some reason. However, I would only agree to handing over my child to him if the law would refuse me handing over them to my best friend instead. I don't know if it would be legal or not. But if my best friend would be my child's godmother, then it shouldn't be a problem, right? Isn't that what the title "godmother" is meant for? Or am I terribly uneducated on the topic?

Yes, okay I seem to know my stuff. I found a website via google that clarified that that's the originally intended purpose of a godparent, although also that it doesn't have to be that way. It's up to the actual parent/-s to decide. So that's good to know. But another thing to consider is that I'm no longer a member of the Swedish church (I left it freely a couple of years ago). I have actually thought of re-joining them though, so I might do that if I decide to make my best friend my child's godmother if it's required to be a member. Cause then it wouldn't be completely pointless to be a member, I mean.

I do however not want to baptise my child so I wonder about that too. I just don't want to do a lot of unnecessary, half shitty, religious bullshit stuff for my child, I mean, a religion that I don't even follow. Perhaps it can be fixed some other way, to like go to a court and just state that I would want for my best friend to have these and those responsibilities without the fancy title, I don't know. It just seems very Christian and I do not want to get too mixed up in that religion. Nothing against anyone who is Christian, just being over all and generally against the religion itself.

I mean, if my child would choose to become a Christian I would of course support them in any way I can, that's not what I meant. It just wouldn't make much sense for me to do a lot of weird Christian rituals for my child as a baby when I'm a Satanist, if you know what I'm saying. Unfortunately Satanism doesn't offer much in terms of decent and good rituals that are similar to those of Christianity. Or I haven't found any anyway. And also, it's important that any such decisions I take regarding my best friend are okay for her as well. However, I have some time to figure things out, but I think it was imortant that these things came to my mind. Those are decisions I should probably take pretty soon after my child is born, if not sooner. I need to have it settled sooner.

I'm just looking forward to sharing my pregnancy journey with like everyone I know, haha. I would so document the hell out of it. I think I would thank myself for that later on. Like maybe 5 years from now and I'll wonder, what was it actually like now again? And I could just look into what I documented and be reminded of it. And I love documenting various aspects of my life and looking back at it. And also I think it could even also possibly be of interest to the world as well, (like facebook, tumblr, this blog, maybe youtube as well) because I'm trans and mentally disabled. I'm not just the usual, standard parent to be, I mean.

I would want to come out on tumblr eventually, but I'm holding it off for now. I want to move first, and go off testosterone, then I might. I will probably go off testosterone before moving, simply because I think that's gonna be easier. Than to first move and then try to find myself a new endocrinologist in Uppsala to book an appointment with and then go off testosterone, I mean.

I'm back to adding stuff to my autobiography again. It's been a little while and more things have happened in my life that are worth writing down. I finished writing the chapter about 2015 and just started on a new chapter for 2016 that I called "En anledning att leva" which directly translates to "A reason to live". I think I really will write down a lot about what's hopefully gonna happen in the future. I can't end the book like it is now. No, I'll give it a good, possibly even a happy, ending sometime much later. I want to write about moving back to Uppsala and having my child there.

I think that will really make the book an interesting read too. Not that many memoirs out on the market about a very troubled transguy who then also gets pregnant and has his own child. I just thought of this and what an awesome idea I think it would be to include that stuff. I wish you could read that book once it's done, Y, but it's in Swedish as of now. I have even thought of translating it, almost kinda just for you if you would want me to. I really don't mind writing about my life a second time in my second language, but it would undoubtedly be a lot of work.

It was easier for me to write in Swedish mainly because of the school system here not really being all that translatable. And I've been going to school most of my life, so it's a lot about mentioning various schools and grades and all that stuff. But yeah, I think about you sometimes when I write it, that I would like for you to read it but I just don't know how. Now of course you do already know almost everything that is written in it so far, but I don't know, it's more detailed I guess, and more structured.

It's been so easy for me to write it, because of how my life seems to have been split up into different eras, I changed drastically from one state of mind to another. Also because my long term memory is, as far as I can understand, exceptionally good. Literally the opposite to my short term memory which barely even exists. And then with the help of all of my diaries ranging from age 8 to 24-ish and then blog and journal entries on my computer and online to support my memory even more. It's been a breeze, practically. I've read a lot of autobiographies/memoirs (well a handful at least) so that helps getting inspiration for how to structure up chapters and stuff like that.

I don't know when I'll stop writing and call it done. I'm thinking maybe sometime around when I'll hopefully feel more at ease in life, like I've gotten somewhere, achieved something, can appreciate my past more or whatever along those lines. If pregnancy and all of that works out at least somewhat well, I'm thinking I might stop writing that book in a few years from now, once my child has been born and I've gotten all settled and everything. But then maybe I won't ever really settle in life? Maybe I can't find a good time to end my book? It can't continue until I'm 99 years old, it would be far, far beyond massive, haha.

Maybe I'll end it with a cliff hanger instead and immediately start writing another book continuing where this one left off. Either way, I guess it can work out. Oh, I just thought of that I think my psychologist will be so relieved when I tell her what I think the prophecy is about. That I'm not dying at all, I'm gonna live. And not just exist and barely survive, but truly live my life like never before. I hope she'll see the good side of things like I do, and not just focus on what will undoubtedly become difficult.

Still no word from her and now it's Easter. I'm on holiday again from school for a little more than a week, just like everyone is. Because of Easter. I don't really celebrate it though, I only ever do when it falls on my birthday, which it does some years but not always. I might buy myself a nice bouquet of daffodils though, just because it's my favourite flower and it only blooms around this time of year. I generally don't appreciate most plants, I think maybe my fear of roots has to do with that. I don't know. It's a stupid phobia but it's there nonetheless. I do like some flowers and plants though, but I don't really, truly appreciate them the way most people seem to do. Nature doesn't impress me.

I did send some of my poems to my psychologist a couple of weeks ago or so, and I hope she's read them but I don't know if she has. Not like she has to if she's sick, I just think it would be nice. I don't know. And I can't help but worrying about her too, thinking what if those poems and that e-mail is the last words I'll ever give her? What if she's dying and just won't tell her patients about it? What if I'll lose the only good contact I have on this horrible island?

A classmate of mine mentioned that her daughter's psychologist had died and it just stung in my heart immediately. How I fear that is happening to my psychologist too. Yeah, I do have a slight fear of being abandoned in the worst of ways, but usually that fear doesn't affect me much, unless something happens. Something like this. And I know I should just chill but how can I?

I know this fear will only intensify as I keep waiting for a sign of any kind. That she's better, worse, coming back to work or not coming back. I swear if that receptionist calls me again two weeks from now-ish and tells me my next appointment with her is cancelled as well I will fucking hit the roof and scream my freaking lungs out. Not at the receptionist of course, but like 5 seconds after the phone call.

So, every time I watch a youtube video on pregnancy and child care they always bring up breastfeeding and I'm like... half sad that I won't be able to do it and half just pissed that they're generalising. No I don't want my boobs back, I don't know what I want. I'll just connect to my child by holding them instead or something. I need to invest in a good arm chair or something so that I can sit in it and hold my baby. I think that would be good. And speaking of furniture, I would need some good storage space for fragile things that I own that I don't want to get broken or something. Like something with a lock on perhaps. Although I don't think baby would be crawling around and breaking my things the first thing that happens. But eventually it will happen.

Also another thing I thought of, I should probably stop talking to myself in English constantly when I'll have my child unless I want to make them bilingual from early on. I know that can be confusing for a child to learn two different languages simultaneously that early in life and I should probably focus on teaching them Swedish and maybe wait with the English a few years or so.

I'm getting too tired to focus and I'm getting bored as well, so will probably end this text soon. Also, thank you for your message to me, Y. It was interesting and lovely and I'll get into writing an answer for you soon enough. Damn I seem to be constantly hungry today. No idea as to why. I keep eating. And then I'm hungry again 5 minutes later. Okay I'm out of words, good night.

Restless

I notice how my poems are changing. They're not just darkness and despair anymore. Of course though, I still write about my past and sort of how it affects me or how I think it will affect me in the future. Just because I've got a reason to live now doesn't make all the pain go away. But it's like, I feel I'm still suffocating, because I still feel sort of stuck here. I can't do much while waiting for my psychologist to get well and all the waiting is indeed painful. But I've been living like this for so long now, I hardly think a few more days or weeks is gonna kill me.

But I am aching for at least just starting with anything at all. I guess cleaning my apartment wasn't enough and I knew it wouldn't be either. No, I need for shit to really start happening. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel even though it seems far away right now. I guess I'm living on hope, that things will turn out alright in the end. That it won't be too horrible dealing with my mother not wanting me to move back to the main land, that moving won't be too much of a struggle, or finding an apartment. That it won't be too expensive for my parents to pay for thoroughly cleaning this apartment.

And also that going off testosterone won't mess me up too much, that I can get pregnant without too much hassle and complications. There are so many different small steps on the way it feels a bit like I'll be walking in a fragile chain and just praying that no link will break or I would fall. That every little step on the way towards my goals would each be a link in that chain then. I know the metaphor isn't perfect, cause I highly doubt that everything would fall apart if one or a few things won't work out. Reality isn't much like chains, I realise.

Once again I'm holding my breath for what's to come. Once again I keep things secret for my own good. I so hope that my psychologist won't be against any of my goals. I don't know what I'll do if she too would advice of me to stay on this island and not think of me as a good parent in the somewhat near future. I hope she will be realistic but also that she would want to help me achieve my goals, as a support of some, or any, kind. I think I'll need it a lot, but I know I can't count on her too much or lean on her too much.

I just... mostly I need advice on how to tell my mother and how to face her reaction to me putting down my feet on the ground and firmly state that I will be moving no matter what. I don't know how to deal with the realisation that she's keeping me here against my will. I'm an adult with a free will and she just doesn't treat me that way. I don't deserve this. I think I do deserve a second chance at trying to make it mostly on my own in my home city again. And she can't refuse a decision that isn't hers to take.

It's hard, just going about my days not knowing what the fuck to do until my psychologist comes back to work again. I feel so trapped here. I don't know what to say at school, as they all think my future lies on this island and only I (and anyone reading this obviously) know that it most certainly doesn't. What can I say when they ask if I agree to a meeting with the main teacher of the asperger class/course for possibly going there next term? I don't want to go there next term, I don't want to live here next term. Should I just keep on smiling and nodding and lying? It hurts my heart.

But I can't tell them, not now. I have to wait. So maybe that's kinda how I feel these days, as well as joy over the future, when I think about everything I want to do when I get to Uppsala permanently. I'm as usually torn between two different states of emotions. On one side I'm jolly happy about a future that I want and that is indeed a possible future, and on the other side I'm suffocating and feeling stuck because I have to keep it all inside for the time being.

Maybe that's why my poems are both sad and joyful at the same time, cause they reflect both sides. And lately I've been feeling the bitter side more, like these past few days. I just keep wanting for things to happen but time is ticking and nothing is happening. I know I'm impatient and that's not good but I just want so much and I'm not used to wanting anything.

Staying alive

I just dreamed on the couch that I was gonna have bottom surgery about 3-4 years after I had had my child, and the dream revolved mostly around how to explain to my child (which was a boy in my dream) about what I was going through. It was pretty intense and often times very emotional. It was partially a lucid dream, by which I mean I controlled some but not everything. I think I made it somewhat realistic at least. But honestly I have no idea how I would explain such a thing to a child, but would I really wait as long as 3-4 years though?

Who knows, maybe it wouldn't be possible before then, since I'm gonna need to be able to take care of that child 24/7 for about that long, and having surgery tends to make you kinda not so able to take care of anything really for at least the first few days after, up to several weeks after. And I know that bottom surgery is pretty invasive even though I would go for a bit less invasive method that also usually only requires one operation.

All those things about it are good now, I realise, if I'm gonna need to be up and about as soon as possible after the operation for my child's sake. I would of course need someone to help me with the child care during that immediate post op time though. I'm sure it can be arranged somehow, even if I'm still, or again for that matter, single by that time. I hope I'm not still single in 4-5 years from now... that would be sad. I'm pretty sure I will have let go of K by that time and so I would be open for someone else that I could fall for.

But I don't know, I've heard it's much harder to find a partner if you have a child. Cause of course then, partnering up with me would mean also getting a child as a bonus. I'm not saying it can't happen of course, anything can happen and that I know, just saying it might decrease my chances of finding a decent partner. I won't really have time for dating, I'll be very busy, probably won't talk about much else than child caring and raising and all the struggles that comes with it. But of course it's not impossible to find a partner when I have a child. It might even increase my chances that the few people I might find would be decent.

How am I thinking now? Just a thought, that if someone knows they'll get a child too but still would want to give me a chance, chances are that they are serious about it. I'm hoping that by raising my child in Uppsala, they will get to know more decent adults than just me and my parents and my sister. If any of my friends over there would even want to see me when I get back there, that is. If they'd even be remotely interested in having even just the smallest amount of influence on my child. I don't mean they'd have to baby sit every day, but just being in our company every once in a while whenever it suits all of us.

But yeah, of course I would ask for help from my more trustworthy friends there (I can think of a handful of people at least, possibly more if I think longer than for three seconds) if or rather when I'll need it. I would turn a lot to my best friend and her husband, but then also to those who also have children of their own, as they might be more familiar with that situation then. Not a lot of my friends in Uppsala have children, but a few. It would be nice to just meet their families and hang out at a park or something too. Just for fun, I mean. It's not all gonna be necessities to left and right, I do think it's gonna be a lot of fun and cosiness, joy and love as well.

I guess I just seem to be more focused on the practical stuff cause that's what I need to make plans around and understand the complexity of. But in my mind and heart, where all my thoughts and feelings about this topic come from, I think about and imagine a lot of the other stuff too. That joy, fun, love and so on. Things I barely even have words for. Just imagining holding my new born child for the first time, sleeping next to them (I imagine having their crib right next to my own bed so that I won't accidentally suffocate them in my sleep as I tend to move around a lot, which I fear could happen if I let them sleep in my bed), teaching them how to talk, just taking a stroll downtown or wherever with them in a baby carriage, feeding them and so on.

All the thoughts flicker through my mind like a jumbled up movie played really fast with emotions connected to each sequence, or sometimes I stop and focus on one particular thing. I've been thinking maybe I should take a simple, like really basic cooking class of some kind sometime during my pregnancy preparation period, so that I'll be able to cook proper food for my child once they start eating real food then. Because I completely suck at cooking and I do realise that I most likely will have to like "overcome" that in the future.

I did somewhat manage vegan food back when I was vegan and basically had to cook everything I ate. But otherwise I've mostly been living on sandwiches and pre-made meals that you just pop into the microwave. I cannot let my child live on that crap. That's just out of the question. And I can't really let them live on just macaroni and meat balls either, which is about the only thing that I can cook. But I mean a really, really basic cooking course, possibly even look for something that's aimed at new parents if there is such a thing. But just, something that would teach me how to cook from scratch, basically. Cause I know practically nothing.

I mean, I try to follow instructions on the food item packages but always seem to fail. I can however actually cook rise now, which I couldn't a few years ago. Or even just a year ago. Well, as long as the rise is simple enough to cook, I do know that different types of rise are cooked differently. But for example, I do not know how to cook potatoes cause I've never tried. I can't make lasagna either. I know that I originally completely sucked at multitasking and that has made cooking very difficult, but I also know that's something I can learn to get better at. I manage multitasking in WoW somewhat well, for example. And I will have to learn more multitasking when having a child, haha oh my god...

Cause I won't only need to be able to take care of a baby, but myself as well so that I'll have a fighting chance to cope with that stress. I need to stick to healthy habits such as sleeping well and eating right. And really try to avoid ending up in alcohol over consumption again. If I do start smoking again that will have to wait until baby is old enough to be let out of sight for a few minutes (as I certainly won't smoke indoors then or too close to the child so that they inhale the smoke).

Actually I heard that passive smoking is more dangerous than actual smoking, that the smoke that comes from the cigarette where it's burning is more dangerous than the smoke that you would inhale from taking a drag. Although I have zero sources on that so I'm taking it with a grain of salt. It's just something that someone told me quite recently. Either way I would not want to poison my own child with cigarette smoke. I want to be the best parent I ever could be. And that means about literally everything that I've thought of and also what I haven't yet thought of.

I'll do my fucking best to create an as healthy and safe environment as possible for my child, simply put. I'll take all the advice and tips I can, just soak up all the information there is to get. And when in doubt, ask someone who knows. I've been listening to "Here with me" by Dido literally all day, and I keep interpreting the lyrics differently all the time. But mostly, I think it's about my longing for a child, especially when I hear the chorus. The second verse also fits in with that, but not really the first verse.

I heard that song for the first time many years ago, as it happens to be the intro song to the tv-series "Roswell" that I watched sometime during the end of the 1990's. It's older than that, I believe, but that was when I saw it. Roswell was the first thing that made me connect to my otherkinness, or how to phrase it. It was when I watched it that I felt a strong connection to the aliens that the show is all about, and I felt the alienation within me stronger than ever before. I knew I wasn't an alien, but the feeling of being different from the real humans felt similar somehow. I'm realising just now how hard this is for me to explain. But I felt alien among humans just like the alien teens did in Roswell.

It is a high school drama with a love story as focus, which is kinda boring, I know, but it had a lot of depth to it as well. Or so I though when
I was 8-10 years old or so. I tried re-watching it a couple of years ago but I couldn't really feel that connection to it anymore. Then I was mostly just annoyed by all the teenage drama and that the focus was too much on the main character which is a boring human, haha. Anyhow, I just found that song again early this morning when I clicked on Dido's name on Spotify and it was listed among her top songs. I didn't know it was that one when I clicked "play" but discovered it pretty soon. So, it's a lot of nostalgia for me, connected to that specific song by her. I didn't even look for it, it just sort of came to me.

I've been wondering, perhaps a bit silly, what songs I would play out loud for my child when I'm pregnant, if I can get pregnant even. What I would like for my child to hear from very early on. I know it doesn't have much effect on a baby when it's still in the womb, but I've heard around that playing music or singing could possibly, in theory, have a calming effect of some kind. Oh god I just can't contain myself over how much I long to be pregnant! I never, never thought I would actually look forward to such a thing.

Back in my past, all the way up until my mid 20's I was only disturbed by the thought of being pregnant. Repulsed even. Now it's like the greatest thing I can imagine. Well, next to actually having a child then of course. I do absolutely look forward to all the years after a lot more than the actual pregnancy. Just wanted to clarify that. But it's a difficult thing to grasp, like how does one in actuality look forward to a time span of over 20 years? Or like, the rest of my entire life? It's a concept too hard to grasp for me, cause I've always hated my life.

I'm not saying I'm gonna instantly love everything about being alive and I'm not saying that would be a requirement for me to want to live my life either. No actually the smallest bit of joy and love would bring enough meaning to my life for me to want to give it more than just one chance. I know hardship will most certainly come, having a child will absolutely not cure my fucked up mind or automatically fix my self hatred. That are things I will have to work on, and I've already started. I started some time ago to work on my self esteem and confidence, and I will continue working on a lot more of my problems as well. I just can't take everything at once.

I will try to find a decent psychologist in Uppsala and fucking fight to get one of those. Because yeah, Gotland was always better in that department but it's in Uppsala that I will actually, really need one. Here, I do like my psychologist, but I never once actually worked with any of my problems with her. I've mostly been story telling about my life and discussing random things. She's suggested help but I've declined and told her "I wasn't ready" when in fact I wasn't even interested. I didn't want her to abandon me because of my lack of interest to get better.

But now I do have such an interest, but I need to move first, get back home again. I feel as though only there I have a chance. I can't breathe here. I hate this place and I miss my home town. And when I say I want to start my life over I really mean it. Get myself into some kind of order, finally, for the first time ever. Yes, I did seek help as early as in 2005 for the first time, but I wasn't aiming at getting better.

Back then and through all the years that followed I was aiming at getting diagnoses and wallowing in my pride of being mentally ill. I glorified mental illness, and of course, self harm. With idols such as Berny Pålsson (Swedish writer, wrote two autobiographies about her tragic life as mentally ill and a drug addict) I did both suffer and thrive in my misery. I'm not thriving in it anymore, I want to get out of it. Not saying I want to lead a "normal" life, just a functioning life. A different life with different views on the so called reality, but without my malfunctioning brain constantly hindering me from the things I want to do.

It will of course always be a hinder, asperger doesn't go away with age or therapy, but I believe it can at least be managed, if I learn how to manage it. Get into that extremely boring thing called routines, take medication if necessary, go to some kind of therapy or counseling or whatever they can possibly offer upon death threat in Uppsala. And by "death threat" I just meant that I'll do (almost) whatever it takes to get the help that I need. Yeah, I know it will be hella stressful to get ready for pregnancy, be pregnant and then care for my child at the same time as I'll be working on my own brain as well. But... that's just how I roll.

I don't let things take "as long as they need to" because you know what? That will always happen anyway. Things take as long as they need to whether you plan it for happening quickly or slowly. Things don't care about your plans. So that's why I want to do everything at once, cause it's most likely gonna take forever anyway. I might have a very difficult time getting pregnant, especially if I can't get inseminated here in Sweden. Like hunting for good sperm can literally take years. I sure hope not, but I'm trying to be realistic. And I'll be so frustrated about it all like there's no tomorrow.

I just keep thinking though, that I remember my mother at some point told me she got pregnant with me really fast once she and my father had decided to have a child, and I just keep thinking that I hope it will be the same for me. I have no idea what so ever if such a thing has anything to do with genes at all or if it's entirely depending on other things. I have no idea, but it would be super nice if I could get pregnant quickly too. It's just something that sometimes pops up in my head these days.

By the way, I'm finally done cleaning my apartment now. It's not perfect but it's decent. It took me four whole days although I did very little on Monday. Now it's just the fun part left... keeping it nice and clean. I mean to take one or two days every week to touch things up, clean the dirty dishes and swipe the floors with a broom. Might like swab the floors and such more heavy cleaning a bit more seldom, like maybe once every other week or so. But hopefully the maintenance won't have to continue for too long, before it's time to start packing and leaving, I mean.

Oh god, I'm so not looking forward to the hysteric moving... Packing, transporting everything, unpacking, looking for apartments, change my address again and all that fun stuff. No, I just want to be able to clap my hands and I'm suddenly all settled and ready in a new apartment in Uppsala. But instead I have to go through all that fuzz. Yeah I'm dreading that a bit. Or a lot. But yeah, just suck it up and do it cause it's not gonna do it itself. Adulting... yeah it has its downsides and what not.

I hope I can find a fairly permanent place to live in in Uppsala, so that I can stay there for at least a few years. I realised I probably shouldn't even bother looking into getting another LSS apartment, cause I don't think they would approve. They've been wanting to kick me out of here cause things haven't exactly been working out and if I can't have an LSS apartment on Gotland, I probably won't be able to get one in Uppsala. There are other ways I could get help in my new apartment though, from other instances, so I won't really have to worry about being completely left on my own. It's just not as "top notch" as LSS or what to say, haha. But it would be better than nothing.

Actually I think I would feel relieved not living in an LSS apartment, like I would feel more free and not have my private sphere invaded constantly. And I've gotten better at remembering my medication too, I just thought of. I'll just try to leave my mother out of most of my thoughts on having a child for now. I don't think she would ever want me to have a child, and definitely not now-ish. And leaving out all of my moving plans, it's hard to talk about my child-having plans, as they do seem to tie together more and more.

I don't plan on keeping her in the dark forever, no certainly not, I just need to speak to my psychologist first. I want her advice on how to tackle this. No, not just want, I desperately need it. I'm trying to be patient, to wait for her to get well again as she's still sick as far as I know, but that patience is wearing thin. But, not much I can do about it, but to wait and see what happens. I have no more energy for today, I might write more but likely won't post it in that case.

I tried some of my new make-up as well, at least the eye shadow to contour with, and I must say it was difficult (okay impossible) to get it even when using it alone over my foundation and powder, but the colour is great. I will wait for that cream foundation to arrive before I try again, to use that as a base contour sort of and then use the eye shadow over that. I did not try out the false lashes cause it's kinda late and I don't want to accidentally glue my eyelids together cause I'm too tired to focus on what I'm doing.

But yeah, I'll leave you with these thoughts of mine for now, some new and some old ones. Oh by the way, don't know if you noticed or not, Y, but I left an answer sort of for you at the threshold, a couple of days ago or so. I think that's it for today, I've written a lot, been cleaning a lot and I guess I should be more tired than I am.

Energetic thoughts

I've been thinking, I might have to solve issues about this moving deal in ways I can't even imagine at this stage. I'm not saying that dream or whatever to call it might not even happen, I'm just saying it might get a lot harder than I can imagine. It might really put me to the test, and I might have to ask myself things like: how will this be possible? and, is it worth it? - along the way. I'm counting on having to suddenly take on a lot of responsibility. Like really start getting able to pay my own bills again, for example.

Cause when I say my mother takes care of everything, I mean everything. Everything that I will somehow have to be able to to take care of myself by the time I'll be all settled in Uppsala. I think that about the bills is gonna be one of the things that will worry my mother the most. I was half lucky in Uppsala, when I lived there, meaning I managed to stay out of debt, but very barely. I have a world of responsibilities ahead of me, but I think and hope, that I could be more prepared for them now, and face them in a more mature way.

Don't know if it's because I'm older or whatever, but I do want to believe that some things have changed. 3 and a half weeks until I turn 27. Damn... I thought I was gonna die and it turns out to be the complete opposite. I really fucking hope, ahaha. Damn, I suddenly find myself wanting to live. What happened? Not even six months ago I wanted anything but to live. I begged for death then, now I'm fighting for my chance at life.

Perhaps I wasn't ready sooner, perhaps I needed a prophecy to shake me up. The vision of me dying though, Satan's horrible words, will it come even later or was it just to scare me? 3 years ago, he told me I would have 3 or 4 years left to live. Maybe he gave me that prophecy, I don't know. But I'm tired of blindly believing at this point. Maybe he was just a hallucination, I don't know. Maybe it was all lies, I don't know what to believe.

I just remembered something, that back when I had just started having these thoughts on wanting a child, or maybe even just before, I watched an episode of my favourite thriller tv-serie "Cold Case". I don't remember what the episode was called, but it was basically about a young girl back in the 1960's (I think she was the murder victim) who was 16 years old and got pregnant with her boyfriend from high school. Her parents thought it was best she went away to some nun monastery to have her child there and then to give it up for adoption. I just remember I cried like a million tears when she had had her baby and she didn't want to give him up. She sang "You are my sunshine" with a trembling voice and it just touched me so much. Never before I've had such a reaction to a mother and her child story.

I guess, it could have sort of helped sparking my own feelings about if I ever wanted a child in the future myself. It certainly rattled me however. Anyhow, I talked to my mother on the phone about 2 hours ago now and when I said I've been cleaning without the help of the crew she sounded so disappointed in me. Like, I strongly got the sensation that she wants for me to stay disabled so that I can keep this apartment. It just hurt me so bad, but I didn't say anything. I doubt that she knows about my realisation, that I can see through her caring facade and that she's trying to control me.

And it's hard, to pretend like nothing whenever I talk to her, but I try, cause I really need to talk to my psychologist about this first. I don't want to go behind my mother's back but I will if I have to, like if that's the only way. I'll tell my psychologist about all the times I've brought it up with my mother, about wanting to move back to Uppsala again but that she's denied it every single time. I'll also tell her that it feels like my mother just wants full control over me and that she wants to keep me here against my will, but that I think it's gone too far now and I need to break free, once and for all.

And then of course I'll talk about my plans for having a child cause I want to hear her opinions on that too. So yeah, I'll bring up both topics at once cause I feel I really need to. That they're equally important. If she'll ever get well soon...

Looking forward

I was just thinking, that if I'm interested in looking for another LSS apartment in Uppsala, I need to know if I'd be allowed to live in such a place with a child. Oh, I just found some information in a pdf file via google. It mostly mentioned parents with various brain damages or how the fuck to say it, but also mentioned autism spectrum stuff like what I'm dealing with, and apparently it's rare such people have children and it seems they're having difficulty helping such families but that they're trying, or something like that. So there is apparently some help to get even when I'll have my child. If I even could get help from LSS anymore.

I mean, I haven't exactly done my part here, or what to say. They might not approve it if I seek that sort of resident in Uppsala. It's actually kinda likely that they won't. But I'm not so worried about that, I'd just go for a normal apartment instead then. I was thinking an at least 2 room one, at least 50-ish square metres if I'm gonna fit both myself and a child in it. Pets gotta be allowed for when I'll want to get cats as well. It doesn't have to be in the centre of the city, I don't mind a little bit of traveling by buses or trains to get to the city core, stores, friends or parties. I was thinking maybe in Gottsunda again, or possibly even as far out as Storvreta, which are both parts that more or less belong to the city.

So I do know a bit what I should be looking for at least. But I know finding such an apartment won't be just as easy. So... maybe I shouldn't even bother with finding out some education for me this fall? If I won't even live here anymore, I mean. I don't know if moving can happen that soon but I really hope so. I won't apply for any school in Uppsala first thing I do, cause I'll be too busy getting pregnant anyways. No I actually don't intend to study or anything for quite some time after moving. I'd be perfectly happy being a single, stay at home parent and be 110% busy with my child.

Probably won't be that much wild partying either, haha. Maybe like some calm partying without alcohol and cigarettes and passive smoking during the first few months of the pregnancy and before, but that's about it. Otherwise I'd aim for calm fika with friends out in some nice cafe or something. They'd gotta be understanding that drinking and smoking and being wild in general is not gonna be an option for me in the future. Maybe I'll "force" my best friend to go baby clothes and items shopping at some point as well. I'd so vote for that.

Oh how I'd just looove bringing up my child in my home town! I know my best friend is having similar thoughts as well, that she'd want children at some point in the future too. So I don't know, I'm kinda hoping for her supporting me with this. That even if she won't be able to help out so much with the practical stuff, she could at least be an emotional support. Cause she's always so busy, I mean. But I don't know, things might be different when I'll finally be living there again.

I can't wait to restart my life all over again. For the millionth time, but this time it's gonna be for real. I could never restart my life here on Gotland. I need to go back home to Uppsala again. I feel like... only there I have a chance. Then I'm gonna start adulting for real. In my own way. Catch up with my friends there, get the apartment in order, start my own little family, maybe even try to get a book or two published, cause I'm sensing money will definitely become an issue haha. No but really, it would be nice if I could get published too.

I won't even have to come out as trans here on Gotland. What a relief. I'll just leave this hellhole behind me and go to my favourite hellhole instead. There everyone already knows. So I'll keep being out there. I think that's my decision about that, to be out as trans in Uppsala and I think that could also maybe in a small scale make the pregnancy easier too. If people know, I mean. Oh, and if I could get a book or two published and get some cash for that, it would be neat if it's enough money to afford a driver's license too.

There, my whole future all planned out, haha. And here's to hoping I won't crash and burn before it's even started... And oh, when I do get back to Uppsala, I might like, I don't know, try to get closer to my friend that I talked about before, he who had a child. Because then it wouldn't be so awkward I hope. Not my reason to move there, ahaha, nope just a bonus in that case.

Yeah, I long for Uppsala and all the adventures awaiting me there. I think I've been half dead long enough on this island now. Never in my life I'll move back here again, not if I'd so have to live on the streets in Uppsala. Well maybe not, cause if I have a child to take care of as well, you know, then living on the streets isn't an option. But just... let's hope I won't ever have to move back here. I think it would kill my spirit so bad.

I just feel... either I'll stay and give up on life again, or I'll move and give life a chance again. I just can't live here. Can barely even survive here. If I can't make my mother understand that... then fuck her and fuck her opinions. But I think she will cave in and eventually help me move, cause I know she knows I won't be able to do it myself. Like I would try, then fail and continue trying and failing until she just comes in and saves the situation.

I'll be sure to tell her, when it's time, that if she won't help me I'm gonna do it myself, ask for help from my friends in Uppsala, do whatever it fucking takes. I should start taking a supplement for folic acid, 400 mg/day. Apparently that's good to take at least 3 months before pregnancy for reasons I have forgotten. Ahaha, I seriously watched a video about it not even a minute ago.

I just remembered I spent so long trying to convince myself that I'd be better off without ever having a child. Or well, at least for a year up until quite recently. I just thought that it would be for the best if I never even attempted it, or if I just got sterilised so that I couldn't attempt it. How sad isn't that?

I'm thinking I'm gonna do everything at once. I just have a strong sensation that that's the only way to do it. Hopefully start moving and everything soon after my visit to Uppsala this spring, like during the summer then. And I know it won't be done by fall but I still want to go off testosterone right around that time. I keep watching videos about all things related to pregnancy and please do correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I've completely forgotten anything extremely important? I should write a check list or something to see when or if I manage to do everything that needs to be done before... well, yeah.

Also I should perhaps write them down in priority order, like stopping testosterone and quit smoking should probably be at the top. And I mean, even though I'm drinking now, I think stop drinking alcohol would be one of the easiest things. That usually tends to work with just a normal amount of determination and will power. Although, not a glass for 9 months and some time before might get tricky. I don't know. I'll let you know if it, or anything else, gets tricky or easier than I thought and what not.

I would want to keep you, anyone reading this, and facebook at least, updated throughout everything. And I mean everything. Though, maybe I won't share gross or very TMI things on facebook, but I'm never really worried about that here on this blog. You'll get all the gross and TMI details reading here in the future, and all the rest, I can assure you. I wouldn't be able to shut up.

Oh god, I'm looking forward to it so much. I honestly never thought I could like... really burn for something in life, you know? Maybe that was a bit Swenglish, but you know, really aim and want to go for something in life. I just feel like I've never had something so big and important impacting me before.

I'm so tired and bored right now. I managed the whole day without naps, but just barely. Won't be up much longer now, so yeah. I'll just leave you with this for now.

Already exhausted

I'm so tired today and I feel like I'm just thinking in circles. That I keep coming back to the same thoughts and I'm not getting anywhere. Can barely keep my eyes open despite two long naps and litres of coffee. It's utterly useless.

I just keep having these imaginary conversations in my mind and they're so intense they make my heart race faster. I just don't know how or when I should tell my mother about this. I need to talk it through with my psychologist first, maybe she'll have some advice. I don't know. But she's still sick and I can't talk to her any time soon.

Writing just isn't going so well for me right now. It's not that I lack the words, I lack entire descriptions, I lack pictures in my mind and my feelings and thoughts are poking in every direction. It seems it got worse the later it got as I could write perfectly fine earlier today. Now the words seem empty, useless and pointless for no apparent reason.

I started writing a poem about the pain of being in love with K but then I realised I did not want to think about it and I would not want to share that anywhere, so I just scrapped it. Now not even sugar can give me a few minutes rush. Nothing can penetrate my tiredness and I'm just exhausted 24/7 no matter what I do. I need to sleep for a week.

After thoughts

Okay I can't really think straight right now and I'm close to crying. I just feel it's crawling beneath my skin and I can't sit still. Apparently I got 3 new followers on tumblr right after I had posted that poem. I had been losing followers quite steadily lately so that was a bit of a nice surprise. I can't make sense of much right now. It feels like everything from the past few months, or years, has been leading up to this realisation. That I need to take a firm grip on my life and shake it so hard that it won't even resemble my life anymore.

Oh my god, what I'm facing now... it leaves me gasping for air for I've forgotten how to breathe properly. It just feels like suddenly all the pieces fell into place and I can't stop shivering, trembling at how immense this is. I hope I won't chicken out and stay in this horrible comfort zone. My life awaits me outside of it. I know that now. If only I had known before, what would I have done to possibly prepare myself? It's an intriguing thought, but not much I can do with it.

I sooo need my shrink now, now more than before. From having zero plans on what to do with my life I now have two huge ones. I'm moving back to the main land with our without my family's "consent" and I'm gonna have or start my own family there. It's a whole new world. The prophecy was never clear if it was gonna be a positive or a negative experience and now I think I know why.

Y, I started on a reply to your first message to me on our tumblr, but I lost my concentration and ability to explain my confusing thoughts mid through it, so I'm holding it off until tomorrow or whenever I can focus back on it again. I read some of your second message but holding back tears and trembling as I do, it was too difficult for me to read it right then. Not because of the content, but just my mind being an annoying blockage again. I will of course go back to both your messages as soon as I can. I have too much on my mind tonight, it's dividing me and shaking me senseless.

I know I just posted another entry but I felt some after thoughts could be good. Tiredness suddenly washes over me, I should go to bed soon. Okay I'm out of thoughts, just tiredness and confusion and fear is left. This spring, this whole year, will for sure be daunting, but I think, empowering too.

The prophecy

I started talking to my mother on the phone about it a little bit but I just felt in my entire being that I did not want to hassle with that right now. She just thinks I should be stable and have a job before having a child and I tried to tell her that I'm probably never gonna have a job. That doesn't mean that I can't have a child. I'll contact my endocrinologist by autumn by myself if I have to. I don't think she realises that the decision has already been made and there's nothing she can do to talk me out of it. Or even to push it further into the future. I want to live now, I can't be trapped in that horrible in between state wanting neither life nor death for a second longer than I have to.

If she thinks I could just keep postponing it she's so fucking wrong you have no idea. And I'm pissed at her trying to control my life. If that means I'll have to go behind her back then that's what I'll fucking do. I'll face every single fear I have in me, I'm not giving up before I've even started. My mother has too much power over me and I think that sometimes she's abusing that power. And the only way for me to take back some ounces of control over my life is to screw her opinions and go behind her back.

She can not control this decision that I've made. I know my fucking rights. And I'm not gonna wait for being more stable like a normal person is stable, because I'm disabled in a way that can't be cured and reaching such a degree of stability is never going to happen. Ever. I'll contact my endocrinologist, I'll call my doctor, I'll talk to the crew about if I could keep living here if I have a child as well. I'll fucking do this entirely by myself if I have to. That's how determined I am. No one can stop me now. No one.

I'm just so sick of everyone constantly trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Well not literally everyone, but I'm pissed right now so I'm generalising. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself instead, given my mother the surprise of her life. Maybe that would have been better, I don't know. For me, I mean, I really don't give a damn what would be better for her or anyone else around me. But now I have to deal with her annoying opinions until it will be too late for me to "regret" my decision or take it back.

Oh sigh, no it doesn't help at all that I was tripping over my own words and that I wouldn't even be able to explain why I want a kid. Biology? I don't fucking know. I just know what I know and right now it's killing me. And I couldn't just tell her about my plans either. I didn't want more of her opinions. I feel like I've been suffocated by my mother all my life, over protected to the point of it being ridiculous. Just let me go! I don't care if I fall apart. I'm going to have a child and I'm going to move away from this island, from her, for good. Break the chains that hold me here.

I'm so fucking torn tonight. I just feel I want to break free from my mother's control and leave this entire island, I feel like tearing my apartment to pieces. I'm so miserable here, I hate this place. Maybe I never made any friends here on this island because I always kept in the back of my mind that I can't stay here. This was never meant to be permanent. I'll keep abusing my apartment by neglecting it, keep ignoring the crew until they evict me and then I take off towards Uppsala. Never in my life I'll be looking for apartments here if they evict me.

If I so have to do it all by myself for money I don't have (cause how the hell would I afford a moving company to transport all my stuff over to the main land if I'll have no one who could drive it there?) and with energy that I don't have either. Now I wonder what would most likely happen first: pregnancy or moving to the main land? I know I'll have to cut some ties with my mother and family if I'm gonna manage to break free from her. Not all ties, but I'd have to make it a lot more on my own. That's the penalty, a penalty I don't know if I could live with. Literally, it might not work out at all.

But I'm getting fucking desperate cause now it's gone too far. I'm not a child anymore, she can't keep me here and she can't decide whether or not I'll have a child of my own. It's not her decisions. I do feel it will come a day when I'll straight up tell her to please let me go, I can't live like this. And I don't fucking care if it turns out I can't make it on my own. If I'll die or anything on the main land, if I'll mess everything up because of the mess I am... it would still be worth it. It feels like the only thing I can do. I can't just sit here. I can't anymore. I have two choices: walk my own way, risk everything and be prepared to lose it all - or stay here and rot.

I guess that's life, huh? You either take some risks and you may lose everything you've got, or you do nothing and you won't win anything either. Now I just need to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to manage all of this. I've never done anything on my own, I've always had my mother's help with everything I've ever done in my life. Has she been living my life for me? It kinda feels that way. Everything from applying to different schools to driving me anywhere I needed to be, from calling people for me to moving me from one home to another.

Now it feels like I really should stand on my own feet whether I think the ground will be stable under me or not. The ice isn't thin cause there is no ice. I will have to learn how to walk on water. Sure it's been comfortable, always being able to lean on my mother and counting on her to constantly be there for me, but I feel it's time to let go of her grip now. Maybe not right this second, but I feel things are gonna change this spring. And oh damn if I had known this is what the prophecy was about...

Of course this is it. I'll spread my wings and I'll either fly or fall. Yes, I'm terrified, scared shitless of falling. But I know it needs to be done. I have to. This feeling in my gut tells me I finally figured it all out, what was awaiting me all along, but my rationality is still doubting. What if it's something else? Something bigger? Something smaller or just completely different? What if I'm right...?

Give me some patience

I've never really felt as trans as I do these days before. I mean, it's like I really can't, and now don't even want to, escape my female body. And how I suddenly relate to certain parts of it is starting to make me confused. Not about my identity, but about how I relate to the way my body is, how it functions and all of that. I used to despise it so bad, I used to be disgusted by it. And now... I don't even know.

The magic between my waist and hips... yeah. Well I'm not much for believing in miracles on most days, but yeah, some magic I do believe in. I think I would still want bottom surgery at some point in a quite far distant future, but just that it has been down prioritised a lot. And I just feel it so much how my gender identity is clashing with my body these days, but like, not in a bad way?

I did watch a documentary about a transguy who gave birth to his child, although he did it before medically transitioning, but like after socially and emotionally transitioning. I vaguely remember how he talked about how he felt during his pregnancy. Like about not being able to pass at all and stuff like that. Now I have no idea if I would pass or not, but maybe likely not, although that's not exactly my top priority and I don't think it should be either. Staying healthy and making my child the most important thing above everything would be top priority.

Would I love my child more, or less than I love K? That question just hit me, but in a way, I hope I'll be able to move on a little bit from K over time before I have my child. Not really counting on it, but I think it could do me and my family some good. Of course I hope I'll love my child more, I think I would be deeply worried otherwise. And I'm hesitant to publish that question but I think it could be important to address.

I've been thinking about names a bit today, and I'm somewhat struggling to reach a decision. It would be easier to name a girl, cause I find there are more beautiful female names out there. If it's a girl though, I would like to name her a bit after my best friend, (like for a middle name), but first ask her and also which of her names she would rather want for my child to have if it would be okay with her. And if it would be a boy, I'm more likely to want to give him one of K's names, if he would be okay with that.

At this point I'm having so much difficulty with choosing names that my child would have so many middle names that it would almost be ridiculous. I think 2 middle names would be just about enough and more be somewhat crazy and less would be somewhat impossible for me. Yeah I know I've got loads of time to make up my mind but I just don't want to be there like 2 months before it's time to give birth and still be clueless.

Okay I just watched another youtube video again and why do I constantly feel the need to write about that? Anyway, this one was sort of a do's and don't's when you're pregnant and the woman in the video mentioned a lot of things that were like half obvious to me but that I still hadn't thought of before. Things like you shouldn't dye your hair, use nail polish and different kinds of food you shouldn't eat like loose cooked eggs or what are they called? And like, no caffeine or soda either.

So... basically, if I thought having a child and raising it would be difficult, I can assure you my difficulties will start much earlier than that. I have a list of five...? different medications that I'm taking every single day that I might not be able to take during a pregnancy. I have a sometimes mind-numbing chronic tension headache that I might not be able to medicate at all. I hate drinking water and don't know if gulping juice and milk instead would even be remotely enough. I have to kick a 5 year old heavy smoking habit and stay away from cigarettes completely. Can't drink alcohol obviously, and apparently not coffee either. Then on top of all that I will most likely have to deal with shitty and ignorant doctors and other hospital staff and paper works and god knows what.

I'll probably lose my temper fifteen times a day, if I'll even have any temper to lose by that point. Ahaha. Yeah I'm looking forward to it like hell. Right now I'm mostly just trying to gather various kinds of information in ways I don't even know, and mentally preparing myself, and randomly discussing it with my mother. I do plan on telling my best friend on the main land when I get there as well, and about my plans thus far. I hope she won't be against my decision but I don't really think she will be either.

I do remember we discussed it lightly at one point when it was a debate in the whole country about if they should change the law on sterilising trans people against their will. I remember I told her I was likely not gonna get sterilised as I had then just realised that the only way I could ever have children in the future would be the natural way, most likely. And she agreed with me that it was a wise decision. So I think she'll be cool about it, but, like my mother, also worry about the practical stuff.

I'll tell her that I'm very well aware of the humongous list of practical issues I would have to deal with in the future, and that I'll work on every problem as well as I possibly can. Also, I will most likely opt for trying to quit smoking without any help, cause in that way I can do it completely in my own pace (whether that be quick or slow) and without having some medical expert nagging at me. I would of course use the aid of nicotine patches and chewing gums but then also stop with that eventually.

I did manage to stop smoking in one week prior to my surgery, but then I did not have to be nicotine free. I'm just gonna assume that being dependent on nicotine during a pregnancy is not even an option. So, my plan right now with that is to gently decrease my smoking habit over the time of about a month (since I smoke literally around 40 cigarettes a day, every single day, it's a lot) and then decrease my nicotine consumption over yet another month, and then to obviously be completely smoke- and nicotine free after about 2 months.

I think it could work but I wouldn't try to stress it if I'll realise somewhere on the way that I'm gonna need more time. Then I'll just give myself more time. I'm not really in that kind of a hurry. Then hopefully by the time my body is completely free of the extra testosterone I've injected for, it will be 3 years then, it will also be free of any toxins and practically as healthy as I can possibly get it. But then I might have to wait with possibly decreasing my medications if that's gonna be necessary too, cause I don't want to and shouldn't do everything at once or I think I'll just die.

I'm starting to realise it might take more than a year just to get my body physically ready for a pregnancy. I feel like dying a little right now... patience, patience, patience... God, I really need my shrink.

Some random thoughts

I still don't know if I'll fall for my classmate or not. I notice I've been starting to follow her around at school a bit more and I always want her company and support. I hope I won't end up dependent on her presence when I'm there as that could be problematic. I actually think you would like her, Y, as I thought about it during our conversation but didn't say it for some reason. Although she can be a bit intense at times. It's just a guess that it could be partially because of her adhd, borderline and bipolar diagnoses. She's not too much for me though, but then I guess it would take a lot for a person to be too much for me.

I don't know, but I hope we can become good friends in the future, like we'd still keep contact after school. And when you said you hope I can find some friends to support me on this island in the future I did think about her. As a friend who could quite possibly be that kind of support, I mean. The only thing that I need to be sure about before ever thinking that far is if she'd be okay with me being trans. I know I can't really consider anyone a real friend unless I know they're okay with that aspect of me. Perhaps for good reasons.

I know I would like to meet her outside of school at some point so that we could really talk, but I'm not sure how or if that could be arranged. Mostly I'm not sure if she'd be comfortable being like, alone with a guy she might not feel 100% comfortable around. I could perhaps allow for my other classmate that I like too to be around as well, if that could offer more safety for F. Like I wouldn't really mind coming out to M as well, I think she wouldn't take it negatively. I don't really think any of those two would, but yeah I still have some doubts, I guess.

Yeah, I know I'm putting aside the fact that I might fall for F but it really is beside the point. At this point, I just want to be her friend and nothing else. And I do think she would be a good friend. If she accepts me, that is. I also know she knows a bit about having mental health issues and also having children on top of that. But yeah, one thing at a time. I won't rush to tell her absolutely everything at once, I know she might need time to process one thing before the other.

I did talk to my mother some more about my child plans and she mentioned a few things I hadn't thought so much about but I think, over all, I've thought about close to every aspect in some way or another, at some point or another. I will get my next shot of testosterone sometime next week and I do plan to continue with testosterone at least until autumn. If I'm gonna be traveling to the main land this spring and all of that I don't think being off testosterone at that time would be a good idea, and besides, I do need to consult my endocrinologist first as well.

Then I guess my plan with my smoking habit would be to first give myself some time to adjust being off testosterone and then, maybe after a month or two, start slowly decreasing my cigarette consumption and eventually stop completely. Then also I will stop trying to lose weight whether or not I've reached my goal, and instead try to eat as healthily as I possibly can and also stop drinking alcohol. Then of course not engage in any other self destructive behaviour. Good thing for me, I don't have any fresh cuts or wounds on my body anymore and I haven't been cutting or burning myself for almost an entire year now. So I don't need to worry about that habit, I mean.

My wild guesses are that I won't be looking into actually becoming pregnant before at least a year from now. Things will take time and some things will likely even take more time than I think they will. I'm really trying and will keep trying to be as patient as I can and observant and plan everything as carefully as I possibly can. And I'm so, so, so glad that my mother wasn't totally against this. It really helps a lot but I will try to not rely on her helping me too much, cause at the same time I do want to be as independent as I possibly can.

And yeah, no I don't even know exactly what I mean by "independent" when it comes to this. If that means facing my fears such as my phone phobia or what not, or if it just means me doing what I can besides that. I guess I'll try anything and if it really doesn't work out then ask for help. And I do know that I might have to tell my main teacher at school cause this is a total change of future plans that really can't include studies at all for a number of years. But yeah, I can at least go 2, maybe 3 more school terms before I'd have to stop going to school.

Ugh, trying to find videos on youtube about trans men and pregnancy is utterly useless. I mean actual useful information. The closest thing I could find was a little bit of information in the comment section of a video that was just stating that trans men can get pregnant too and not just women. Yeah I know reading the comments of such videos is always taking a risk but lately I haven't been so bothered by the ignorant and terribly rude kind of comments on youtube. Like there was a whole bunch of people stating that "trans men are not real men" and yadda yadda, but I simply sigh, roll my eyes, scroll down and ignore.

Anyhow, after I had done some scrolling through that shit I actually found a few really decent comments. In one a person was asking how treatment would be different for a pregnant transman versus a pregnant woman without being an asshole about it. The answers were quite interesting although I was aware of a lot of the information already. I know that is thinking far ahead but there's so much I don't know that I would like to know. I'm just sponging up every little bit of any kind of information I can at this point.

I would like to know more about the process leading up to becoming pregnant, I guess. Like everything from going off testosterone up to the point where I'm doing frequent pregnancy tests. I don't know really, but like, what is expected of me to do preparation wise and like how on earth I could become a good candidate for insemination if that's even an option. Or if I should find some plan B if it turns out to just be plain useless to try for insemination.

I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't try to lose more weight now. To not opt for getting down to 50 kg at all, I mean. I do know that would be the best cause I'm also scared of being considered "too thin" for getting pregnant. And what if I would fall down too deep into my eating disorder and not be able to climb out of it? I know it's not my decision whether to stop being eating disordered or not, but it is my decision to not act upon it or how to put it. I haven't lost weight for a while now and I can choose to continue not losing weight. Just focus on maintaining and eating more healthy food.

I have also been trying to accept my body more. And I know that going off testosterone will likely bring some of my curves back (not all cause I doubt it would bring me back to my max/starting weight again) and that won't make it easier for me to accept my body, but yeah. I have though, actually gone from hating my body and thinking it's fat and gross at all times, to more thinking it's like that only sometimes. I think that's a huge step in the right direction.

First of all, I've been trying to not compare myself as much to other people's bodies, whether I find them as thin as I'd want to be, as masculine or just prettier in general. I also try to not think so negatively about my body, and think... I don't know if "positively" is the right word, but more neutrally maybe. So no, I don't think I genuinely hate my body anymore, I just dislike it most of the time but sometimes it's even okay. And yeah, a third thing would be that I'm focusing more on what I don't view as horrible about it.

I wonder if I'm at all gonna pass without testosterone. Heck yeah I'll grow a beard and hope I can keep it cause it might and probably will thin out a little bit. It's pretty thick already though so I don't worry too much about that. But yeah, having at least a bit of facial hair during that time could possibly increase my confidence a notch.

Right okay, I'm just gonna leave you with these random thoughts for now, too tired to continue writing and processing everything.

Two years post op update

Realised I didn't post anything regarding my anniversary of being 2 years post op yesterday, so I guess I'm writing it now instead. I probably won't make a very long post, but yeah. I'm feeling a bit shitty right now (hungover or whatever) and can't really connect my thoughts that well, but I'll try. I had some wine to celebrate yesterday, so yeah. However, I'll include a picture or two of my chest as well, that I took yesterday. As you might know I am very pleased with the result of the operation I had 2 years ago and I still am liking the look of my chest. I know it's not 100% even and my nipples are weird in colour but I don't care much about that.

My thoughts as to why they are that way is I think the very slow healing process messed them up a little bit. But whatever. The sensation I have in them is similar to if I was to put a piece of fabric over my arm and stroke it, so they're not completely numb but almost. And that's good for me, I wanted it that way. I never could stand the sensation in them prior to surgery. I don't think I have that much to say that I haven't said already before, during other updates and what not. I'm still numb in a few places and I think it's gonna keep being that way now. The scars are fading and they show even less in reality than they do in photos.

I only had one operation and I don't think I'll have more unless they grow back when going off testosterone for having a child, but of what I've heard around, I think with the operation method used on me, it's less likely that they will grow back. Since with the method the surgeon used on me he took away more breast tissue than he would have if I had gone for another method. Because my nipples were transplanted and no nerves needed to be saved for keeping sensation. So, I should have little to no breast tissue left which does decrease the risk of them growing back, or so I've heard.

Yeah I don't think I have much else to report about my chest, because not much has happened since my 1 year update. It's hard to write when feeling like shit too. I keep rocking myself, feeling mostly weak physically and I'm distracted by that. So yeah, I think this is it for now. It's a fairly small update but I might think of more to add later on, I don't know. And oh, I'm actually surprised by how thin and pale I look in these photos. Which is a nice surprise, haha.