I just remembered that my psychologist asked me, yesterday at our meeting, what my nightmares usually are about when related to the trauma I've been through, and I just couldn't say the Swedish word for rape. I do have my next meeting with her on the 12th of February, which is just two days before the dreadful day, and maybe I'll be able to tell her then, I don't know. It's like... the more I feel secure or safe with someone, the harder it is to tell them. I don't understand the logic behind that.
No wine today either cause I went shopping too damn late. But at least I got to the grocery store. It's soon been two weeks now. I can't believe that time somehow passed by so quickly. And I'm still comfort eating various types of cake. Chocolate, Daim, almond... but I cut down on food so I guess the calorie count isn't spiking off too far. I'm slowly getting somewhere with my drawing of Bellatrix Lestrange and I'm mostly working on her hair at the moment.
I just drank a cup of coffee and had a slice of cake so I should be both caffeinated and high on sugar but I still feel extremely tired. It's just 17:27, I can't be too tired to draw already. I'm just tiredness, numbness and exhaustion these days. And I can't get anything done after 5 pm. Although, I think I'll still keep on working on my reply to your message Y, as I started on it yesterday. But it might take a few days before I'm finished with it. Just so you know where I'm at with that.
Funny how my lucid dreams and nightmares follow the same theme... Yeah I just spent about two hours lucid dreaming on the couch and woke up from a rape scene that I had literally chosen to dream about. My level of actual consciousness when being asleep can be discussed, and so can my sanity. I mean something must be somewhat fundamentally wrong with me to choose such a dream. I sure did dream other things too, but they weren't exactly nice and sweet those either.
Mainly, I tried to make myself sleepwalk, or well not technically walk in my sleep, but do things, and the first and only thing I came to think of was masturbating. Maybe that's why it led to a rape scene. No, I was neither the victim nor the the attacker, I was just a bystander watching it play out. I think I at least halfway managed to make myself fall asleep as well, as I've developed sort of a technique to "bring myself under" somehow. Like I push my senses into some form of sleep state. And then I started lucid dreaming right away.
But I was very close to the surface so I had to be careful not to wake myself up again. Until I gave up and just sat up in the couch as if nothing had happened. I'm not even sure if that was actual sleep at all, or if it was some other type of state that I entered. I'm thinking in terms of meditation, but I don't have any more precise words for it. Cause I somehow managed to bring myself down to that form of consciousness whatever it was and had lucid dreaming right from beginning to end. I'm pretty certain I haven't done that before.
But oh, my choices of dreams are really questionable... I must be thinking and feeling in a whole different way when I'm not conscious, cause I would never choose that type of dreams in an awake state. It's gross and disturbing at best. Macabre and horrendous most times. Sometimes even worse. Like that's the type of dreaming you'd expect a serial killer or rapist would choose. I'm darker when I'm down under, apparently. Cause I guess I then let go of petty human emotions like remorse and care. Live out some of those really dark fantasies I probably should not admit to having.
But how can I explain my lucid dreaming if I never mention what I choose to do in them? Should I be scared of what my readers might be thinking of me? I know I'm fucked up. No one can tell me what I don't already know. Oh, but I should get back to my drawing now as I've rested a bit, and had a 5th or if it was a 6th cup of coffee. I've lost count. Just did my first attempt to draw a black quilted fabric, which was Bellatrix's sleeve that shows slightly on my drawing. I'd say it turned out pretty good.
Right, now I've been writing a fair bit more in my reply to you Y, but I will need a bit more time to finish it. I hope you're still patient with me. It's now 0:26 and I'm getting too tired to do anything. I do sort of place what to do at different times of the day depending on how I generally feel and what works best. I draw best during daytime so I put my drawing hours there, then might draw later too but then it's not a priority. Then I put my writing at evening cause that's when I write best and that's a pretty good system for me. Grocery shopping ended up right in between today.
So yeah, I had my day pretty neatly planned out and it worked out neatly too. Perhaps I'm getting to know myself a bit better? I don't know, but it's something, I guess. Now I'm just gonna try to finish this off, read it through, edit and post it. I've had enough of coffee for today and will let my tiredness eventually bring me to sleep. Might take around an hour or so, or longer or shorter. I practically don't know. It's been a pretty good day however, although I'm still feeling numb. I won't be needing all of tomorrow to finish my drawing of Bellatrix, or that part of my drawing, as I only have a few things left here and there now. But I won't be able to finish that today.
As I study the photo I use as reference, I start to notice that tricky thing about rim light. That it's reflected light, basically. I do draw some of that on her hair. Mostly I don't really use the reference photo for drawing her hair, it's too difficult for me to follow, but I do a little bit or much as I can. Now I've been writing a shit ton about that drawing today, I think maybe I should stop that soon. But anyways, I'm aware of that I made her hair slightly too red and perhaps also not quite dark enough, but it's far too late to change that now. It will just have to do as it is now. It's almost done too.
Mostly I've been drawing hair today. Part by part until I know it like the back of my hand. I'm still not tired of it though. But it will be quite a relief to start drawing something else tomorrow, when I get to Lucius instead. Hopefully he'll turn out just as good as she did, and then I'll probably start drawing Snape by next weekend or something. So it's a very time consuming project indeed. It will probably take me more than a week to finish it.
I'm trying to remember if I started yesterday or the day before yesterday, but I clearly remember having done some colouring when my mother visited me yesterday afternoon, and I also remember having finished the sketch the day before I started colouring, so it must have been the day before yesterday that I started... confusing. So it will take more than three days to just draw Bellatrix. Hell yeah I'm dedicated. I might not be the biggest Harry Potter fan though, I've just always liked it for various reasons. I don't even have the books or the movies, but my family does.
Okay, now my brain is starting to get mushy. Time to finish this text whether I know how to or not. I think I'll write something shortly for tumblr as well though, but yeah. I do like doing those little summarises for tumblr. Sometimes it's hard to make all those million thoughts into such short texts, and other times I literally can't think of anything to say. Anyhow, this will be the last sentence here for today.
Sunday, 24 January 2016
Friday, 22 January 2016
Drawing plans before taking off to the city
I'm trying out a really quite complicated colour combination for drawing Bellatrix Lestrange's skin in my Harry Potter characters' drawing. The colours I used were in this order: satin, then add warm grey 1, then dusky pink over warm grey 1, blend with satin. Then add warm grey 2 and sunkissed pink, blend with dusky pink and satin. Then add warm grey 3 and sunkissed pink again, blend with dusky pink and satin. Then add warm grey 4 and tan, blend with sunkissed pink, dusky pink and satin.
Now I'm letting my test on that technique/colour combination dry so that I can see the final result before I decide if I should go with it. I watched a youtube video yesterday from one of those I follow there and he used satin, dusky pink, coral and cinnamon for colouring a caucasian guy he had drawn. So I got inspired using dusky pink and satin for the two lightest shades instead of blush and ivory as I usually do. For a more muted, cooler pinkish skintone I think this is kinda perfect, but I just want to be sure before I start. And it's a lot of pens to keep track of (eight) and to remember to use them in the right order.
It's good that this kind of paper that I use (Letraset's bleedproof marker paper 70g/m2) can take quite a lot of ink before it starts dissolving. It's really thin but must be impenetrable somehow. And it has like a very thin film on the backside of each piece of paper that also protects it from the ink bleeding through it. That's why I can't draw on its backside, the ink doesn't stick there. But it wouldn't be of any use to draw on both sides anyway, cause the ink shows through quite a lot.
I always keep another piece of paper underneath the paper I'm drawing on though, cause it bleeds a tiny, tiny amount if I use a lot of colour or the pen is extra runny or something, also sometimes it goes over the edges so it's good to have a piece of paper underneath for that reason too.
Yeah, I decided to draw a few Harry Potter characters, sometime yesterday around noon. I chose Bellatrix, Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape as those are three of my favourite characters in the books/movies. At first I thought I was gonna draw Sirius Black instead of Lucius, but then changed my mind as I wanted a bit variation to the colour scheme. Otherwise it would have been three dark and broody characters, so I think it will be a nice contrast with a platinum blonde in the middle.
I do have a lot more than just three favourites from that fantasy world though. Well, my absolute first thought was to draw Ron, Harry and Hermione, but then I thought I should try to be a tad bit more original than that. Would be fun to draw Ron though, because red hair. But I can always do that in another drawing. I guess he's my favourite of those three main characters, at least in the beginning. And Rupert Grint was/is such an good actor, in my opinion. Unlike Daniel Radcliffe, who played Harry. Not much against him though, I even had a slight crush on him in my childhood/early teens. And I thought it was interesting that we were born the same year.
Haha, still can't help that I'm envious he turned out a lot more handsome than I did. I guess he had better genes or something. Although, that's just my opinion, some might disagree that he's more handsome than I am, I don't know. But I did compare myself a lot to him as I grew up and kept watching the Harry Potter movies. And that Harry, his role, was a tad bit like me in some aspects too. And just that pale white skin, dark hair and green eyes was very familiar features. I guess he was one of the first celebrities I felt some kind of connection to. That wasn't just me having a stupid crush, but something more as well.
However, I did struggle a bit with my sketch of Bellatrix yesterday. At first it was her nose and mouth that I just couldn't get decent looking. Then I think she looks too young as well (like a child or teen, and she's supposed to be an adult) but now I think it looks good enough or it will just have to do. My thought was that I'm gonna draw all three characters sort of next to each other on this A3 size paper, but it's gonna be tricky now cause I drew her slightly too big... yeah, we'll see what I'll do with that, cause I've gotten way too far to start over from the beginning again now.
I'm leaving in very soon now for seeing my psychologist so I thought I'd just drop this here and then come back later to possibly write some more. And draw more. I noticed my latest drawing of David Bowie got quite a lot of attention on facebook and some on tumblr as well, and it was to my surprise actually. I know I shouldn't measure my degree of success by others' opinions, and I don't, but it's still nice to get compliments. And I do feel proud of my work when it comes to what I draw lately, as I just keep on getting better at it, I don't do as many mistakes when working with my markers anymore and it's just pure fun.
And it wouldn't be fun if I wasn't as good as I kind of think that I am. My attitude towards drawing has changed drastically since I got these markers a couple of years ago. I have a lot more patience and I always want to explore new techniques and get even better. I don't get stuck in a rut and it's fun taking on challenges almost every time I draw something new. I like challenging myself in ways I never had the lust or energy for before.
Yeah okay, now I want to see if that colour combination can work for Bellatrix's skin tone and I think so, so better get started. And I want to get started before I take off towards the city as well.
Now I'm letting my test on that technique/colour combination dry so that I can see the final result before I decide if I should go with it. I watched a youtube video yesterday from one of those I follow there and he used satin, dusky pink, coral and cinnamon for colouring a caucasian guy he had drawn. So I got inspired using dusky pink and satin for the two lightest shades instead of blush and ivory as I usually do. For a more muted, cooler pinkish skintone I think this is kinda perfect, but I just want to be sure before I start. And it's a lot of pens to keep track of (eight) and to remember to use them in the right order.
It's good that this kind of paper that I use (Letraset's bleedproof marker paper 70g/m2) can take quite a lot of ink before it starts dissolving. It's really thin but must be impenetrable somehow. And it has like a very thin film on the backside of each piece of paper that also protects it from the ink bleeding through it. That's why I can't draw on its backside, the ink doesn't stick there. But it wouldn't be of any use to draw on both sides anyway, cause the ink shows through quite a lot.
I always keep another piece of paper underneath the paper I'm drawing on though, cause it bleeds a tiny, tiny amount if I use a lot of colour or the pen is extra runny or something, also sometimes it goes over the edges so it's good to have a piece of paper underneath for that reason too.
Yeah, I decided to draw a few Harry Potter characters, sometime yesterday around noon. I chose Bellatrix, Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape as those are three of my favourite characters in the books/movies. At first I thought I was gonna draw Sirius Black instead of Lucius, but then changed my mind as I wanted a bit variation to the colour scheme. Otherwise it would have been three dark and broody characters, so I think it will be a nice contrast with a platinum blonde in the middle.
I do have a lot more than just three favourites from that fantasy world though. Well, my absolute first thought was to draw Ron, Harry and Hermione, but then I thought I should try to be a tad bit more original than that. Would be fun to draw Ron though, because red hair. But I can always do that in another drawing. I guess he's my favourite of those three main characters, at least in the beginning. And Rupert Grint was/is such an good actor, in my opinion. Unlike Daniel Radcliffe, who played Harry. Not much against him though, I even had a slight crush on him in my childhood/early teens. And I thought it was interesting that we were born the same year.
Haha, still can't help that I'm envious he turned out a lot more handsome than I did. I guess he had better genes or something. Although, that's just my opinion, some might disagree that he's more handsome than I am, I don't know. But I did compare myself a lot to him as I grew up and kept watching the Harry Potter movies. And that Harry, his role, was a tad bit like me in some aspects too. And just that pale white skin, dark hair and green eyes was very familiar features. I guess he was one of the first celebrities I felt some kind of connection to. That wasn't just me having a stupid crush, but something more as well.
However, I did struggle a bit with my sketch of Bellatrix yesterday. At first it was her nose and mouth that I just couldn't get decent looking. Then I think she looks too young as well (like a child or teen, and she's supposed to be an adult) but now I think it looks good enough or it will just have to do. My thought was that I'm gonna draw all three characters sort of next to each other on this A3 size paper, but it's gonna be tricky now cause I drew her slightly too big... yeah, we'll see what I'll do with that, cause I've gotten way too far to start over from the beginning again now.
I'm leaving in very soon now for seeing my psychologist so I thought I'd just drop this here and then come back later to possibly write some more. And draw more. I noticed my latest drawing of David Bowie got quite a lot of attention on facebook and some on tumblr as well, and it was to my surprise actually. I know I shouldn't measure my degree of success by others' opinions, and I don't, but it's still nice to get compliments. And I do feel proud of my work when it comes to what I draw lately, as I just keep on getting better at it, I don't do as many mistakes when working with my markers anymore and it's just pure fun.
And it wouldn't be fun if I wasn't as good as I kind of think that I am. My attitude towards drawing has changed drastically since I got these markers a couple of years ago. I have a lot more patience and I always want to explore new techniques and get even better. I don't get stuck in a rut and it's fun taking on challenges almost every time I draw something new. I like challenging myself in ways I never had the lust or energy for before.
Yeah okay, now I want to see if that colour combination can work for Bellatrix's skin tone and I think so, so better get started. And I want to get started before I take off towards the city as well.
Monday, 18 January 2016
Grieving with insanity
Urgh, just randomly ended up watching a video clip on youtube (well I had to stop watching halfway through cause I couldn't take the crap the guy was spewing out) where some guy was talking conspiracy theories regarding David Bowie's and Alan Rickman's deaths. And I know I should start re-thinking my choice of video to watch when I'm being told over and over that "I do not mean to disrespect..." in it, cause then I should really know that there will come a whole lot of disrespecting.
But yeah, of course I too found it strange that both those stars died at the age 69 from cancer. But come on... that guy was just... really, conspiracy theories? And why was he so damn disrespectful? I mean was it really necessary? And he kept going on about how awful he thought Bowie's last video Lazarus was. I'm done. I'm just done and hell yeah I take it personally when someone speaks shit about my favourite star.
I always have, but perhaps I just feel even more upset about it now that he's gone, I don't know. He's just one of the greatest people I ever knew of. I might almost fear that I'd get obsessed with him again now. That I'd just treat this sorrow the completely wrong way and become obsessed. Then maybe I'll be the one spewing conspiracy theories, I don't know. I just suddenly got that feeling and I fear it. I really don't need another obsession.
But I'm already acting as if I was obsessed. I keep thinking about him constantly, I write a lot about him, I read up information and end up on a shit video about him and I did spend 10-ish hours drawing him today. And I'm just noticing this now. I need to stop it before it gets worse. Fuck, mourning really wasn't easy... I just end up going about things the wrong way entirely and just stir up more shit in my already broken heart and torn up soul.
And I'm so sick of it. Of all the god damned obsessions that just trade one for another. I'd rather stay this semi-obsessed with K and try to move on from Bowie. He's not gonna come back no matter how deep I bury myself in everything there is to know about him. It's only gonna break me even further. Although, I doubt I'm the only fan going through this right now. I think there could be... I don't know how many, that develop some kind of obsession right after his death. Some will probably even devote their lives to it. And I just refuse to become one of them.
Now this is the kind of realisations I want. A fucking wake-up call smacked right into my face. So that I can choose which way to go: deeper down the rabbit hole or to stop this right here and now. I want for him to truly rest in peace and it's not gonna become one of those things that I just say. No more stirring up the chaos, no more trying to find out everything I can in some sick kind of desperation. Where has my mind gone? Am I just so damn grieving in combination with being practically insane and the two just don't mix very well?
There's a reason I ended up watching that video in the first place, isn't it? My curiosity is getting out of hand. And I need to eat. God damn it I need to eat cause I haven't eaten since the forenoon today. I'll have the last of what's left in my fridge as soon as I'm done writing for now, which isn't much but it'll do. But is my grieving turning into an obsession? How many obsessions can I even handle at once? Do I even want to find out? The answer to the last question is a firm fucking no.
I keep thinking about that dream I had last night again. The one in which I saw Bowie run and he turned his head towards me to look at me, at the same time as his song Lazarus was playing in the background in reality. Could it have been a warning of some kind? A warning from my own subconscious, I mean. That maybe I on some level knew what this is turning into before this realisation. And I sent the dream as a warning to myself. It's possible, I guess. Yeah, I probably won't stop trying to interpret that dream anytime soon. It's making my head spin.
I can't form more words tonight, so I'll leave you with these thoughts for now.
But yeah, of course I too found it strange that both those stars died at the age 69 from cancer. But come on... that guy was just... really, conspiracy theories? And why was he so damn disrespectful? I mean was it really necessary? And he kept going on about how awful he thought Bowie's last video Lazarus was. I'm done. I'm just done and hell yeah I take it personally when someone speaks shit about my favourite star.
I always have, but perhaps I just feel even more upset about it now that he's gone, I don't know. He's just one of the greatest people I ever knew of. I might almost fear that I'd get obsessed with him again now. That I'd just treat this sorrow the completely wrong way and become obsessed. Then maybe I'll be the one spewing conspiracy theories, I don't know. I just suddenly got that feeling and I fear it. I really don't need another obsession.
But I'm already acting as if I was obsessed. I keep thinking about him constantly, I write a lot about him, I read up information and end up on a shit video about him and I did spend 10-ish hours drawing him today. And I'm just noticing this now. I need to stop it before it gets worse. Fuck, mourning really wasn't easy... I just end up going about things the wrong way entirely and just stir up more shit in my already broken heart and torn up soul.
And I'm so sick of it. Of all the god damned obsessions that just trade one for another. I'd rather stay this semi-obsessed with K and try to move on from Bowie. He's not gonna come back no matter how deep I bury myself in everything there is to know about him. It's only gonna break me even further. Although, I doubt I'm the only fan going through this right now. I think there could be... I don't know how many, that develop some kind of obsession right after his death. Some will probably even devote their lives to it. And I just refuse to become one of them.
Now this is the kind of realisations I want. A fucking wake-up call smacked right into my face. So that I can choose which way to go: deeper down the rabbit hole or to stop this right here and now. I want for him to truly rest in peace and it's not gonna become one of those things that I just say. No more stirring up the chaos, no more trying to find out everything I can in some sick kind of desperation. Where has my mind gone? Am I just so damn grieving in combination with being practically insane and the two just don't mix very well?
There's a reason I ended up watching that video in the first place, isn't it? My curiosity is getting out of hand. And I need to eat. God damn it I need to eat cause I haven't eaten since the forenoon today. I'll have the last of what's left in my fridge as soon as I'm done writing for now, which isn't much but it'll do. But is my grieving turning into an obsession? How many obsessions can I even handle at once? Do I even want to find out? The answer to the last question is a firm fucking no.
I keep thinking about that dream I had last night again. The one in which I saw Bowie run and he turned his head towards me to look at me, at the same time as his song Lazarus was playing in the background in reality. Could it have been a warning of some kind? A warning from my own subconscious, I mean. That maybe I on some level knew what this is turning into before this realisation. And I sent the dream as a warning to myself. It's possible, I guess. Yeah, I probably won't stop trying to interpret that dream anytime soon. It's making my head spin.
I can't form more words tonight, so I'll leave you with these thoughts for now.
Sunday, 17 January 2016
Sadness and sorrow
I dreamed about David Bowie this night and morning. It was a quite complicated dream and each moment led to a greater one which led to a deeper understanding. In the last "scene" or what to call it I saw him running away, turning his face towards me and looking at me with sad and reassuring eyes. Wind in his silvery hair. Was I visited by him from beyond?
The teacher who told me about his death was in my dream as well, she never had been before, in other dreams. I listened to "Lazarus" on loud volume as I went to bed around 1:30 or 2:00 this morning, wishing I would dream about him. And I am not disappointed. I'm thankful for that dream. It struck me, sometime yesterday, that all through my life, having him as an inspiration every step on the way was always positive. He was like, one of the few things that were always good in my life. Oh, how I'll miss him.
Y, I'm glad to hear that I'm still in your thoughts too. I was wondering how things are for you now, and I'm glad for your message. It's good that you tell me you have a hard time reaching out to me again, then we both have that right now. I do welcome you protecting me as good as you can, it feels warming and calming. I think I felt yesterday, that my feelings are slowly starting to come back to me again. I was close to crying while resting on my couch and I did just barely feel the sorrow wash upon me again. Hopefully it will continue to happen slowly, cause that way I think I can more easily deal with it.
Yeah, I know it's not my time yet. I think though, that the thought of suicide always comes when I'm down, always alluring me with its false promise of being a solution. And I don't know if it sounds silly or not, but the thought has been there, that I'd want to be united with David Bowie on the other side. I know I'm not done with this life yet, but just... the thought of being free from it is hard to resist. I don't know if I'll do any attempt in the near future or not, it hesitates and lingers. I believe so too, that our eyes will have to meet at least one more time. I'm curious about that too. It's just that... yeah, I guess my sorrow has been talking for me this past week.
The teacher who told me about his death was in my dream as well, she never had been before, in other dreams. I listened to "Lazarus" on loud volume as I went to bed around 1:30 or 2:00 this morning, wishing I would dream about him. And I am not disappointed. I'm thankful for that dream. It struck me, sometime yesterday, that all through my life, having him as an inspiration every step on the way was always positive. He was like, one of the few things that were always good in my life. Oh, how I'll miss him.
Y, I'm glad to hear that I'm still in your thoughts too. I was wondering how things are for you now, and I'm glad for your message. It's good that you tell me you have a hard time reaching out to me again, then we both have that right now. I do welcome you protecting me as good as you can, it feels warming and calming. I think I felt yesterday, that my feelings are slowly starting to come back to me again. I was close to crying while resting on my couch and I did just barely feel the sorrow wash upon me again. Hopefully it will continue to happen slowly, cause that way I think I can more easily deal with it.
Yeah, I know it's not my time yet. I think though, that the thought of suicide always comes when I'm down, always alluring me with its false promise of being a solution. And I don't know if it sounds silly or not, but the thought has been there, that I'd want to be united with David Bowie on the other side. I know I'm not done with this life yet, but just... the thought of being free from it is hard to resist. I don't know if I'll do any attempt in the near future or not, it hesitates and lingers. I believe so too, that our eyes will have to meet at least one more time. I'm curious about that too. It's just that... yeah, I guess my sorrow has been talking for me this past week.
Friday, 15 January 2016
This shitty week
In the middle of eating chocolate cake I just casually check tumblr again as I do from time to time and noticed that apparently Alan Rickman is dead now too. Also cancer. Also 69 years old. Just 4 days after David Bowie. I'm still in my frozen/shut down state so I didn't react much when I got the news about Alan Rickman, other than that I thought "no, not him too" and couldn't continue or finish eating my chocolate cake.
I did like him, I sure as hell did, but he could never mean as much as Bowie did to me. I loved his roles in the movies he starred in, he had amazing charisma and a voice that almost made me tremble. I did find him handsome too. But he didn't shape my childhood and teenage years like Bowie did. He was a great person though, as far as I could tell. This numbness really did come with perfect timing, cause without it, I would probably be either climbing the walls or crying on the floor non-stop by now. I think I would still be crying for Bowie if the numbness hadn't struck me.
Also I worried about K quite a lot, almost to tears, right between the news of Bowie and Rickman. It's been a horrible week and I just want this to be over. But I feel as though, this is just the beginning. Of possibly that great tragedy I'm awaiting by the spring. How much worse can it get? Oh, don't even get me started. It can always get worse and worse it always gets. I'm quite used to that by now. Since I thought I had reached that mysterious "bottom" back in 2010 only to discover I was to fall even further down into darkness. There is no bottom, it's just degrees of darkness and it always gets darker.
I know I've said it before, but I still believe that. I wonder what state I will be in when I snap out of this numbness. Devastated, probably. Cause I didn't get much time to mourn Bowie and then all that other stuff happened too. I keep shaking my head in disbelief, even though there's no one to see me here. I've wondered how my sister is coping with these celebrity deaths too, I know she's a big fan of Bowie too and that she did at least care about Rickman on some level. I've been meaning to ask my mother but for some reason I don't dare to. Though, if my sister's reaction had been extreme in some way that would worry me, I think my mother would have told me already.
And I keep thinking about my two classmates that have apparently been kicked out of school because of drug or alcohol addiction. Apparently one dragged down the other as they were both rehabilitating from that. Or at least the one who was dragged down back into it was. She's the one I'm thinking the most about. I will miss her. So that's actually a 4th kinda huge thing happening in my life this week. The same bloody week!
No I can't fathom it. I don't know what to think, believe or say. Hey, good thing I bought two candles during Monday. I now light one for Bowie and the other for Rickman. Even wrote their names on the candles. I won't burn them all the way down then, so that I can keep the candles forever and ever to always remember that I lit them for the two stars. Might do something artsy with the candles later on, when I'm done burning them, or just leave them as they are now. Put them in my cabinet/bookshelf with glass doors.
It just feels so surreal now. And they both died of the same cause, and they both kept it hidden and died at the same age.
I'm so tired to the bone. Tired mentally, but it effects me physically too. I listened to "Absolute Beginners" by Bowie again earlier today as it's one of my favourite songs by him and it made me shiver to an extreme. Now I listen to "Send me an angel" by Scorpions instead. I need breaks. I need to try and let the remains of my heart rest from all the tearing. I don't know if I want to feel ever again.
Now I'm thinking about that classmate again. We became, almost like friends. I do consider her a friend by my standards but I don't know if that's mutual or not. She just seemed to have so much fire in her, you know? Like she would have done anything to keep fighting and getting better. For her children and herself. Her kids had been taken away from her, but she was allowed to see them sometimes. If that was under supervision or not I don't know. Now I can't help but think what will happen to her, if she really is back with her addiction that she fought so much to be free from.
And I will miss talking to her at school, sharing cigarettes and laughing at how miserable everything is. But she's not gone gone, you know. She just won't be coming back to school. Or for fucks sake that's what I hope my other classmate who told me meant. I don't know what I'll do if... But it's still sad however and I can't stop wondering what that other classmate has been up to. The one who apparently dragged her down back into the addiction, I mean. I liked her too at some point, or I just barely more than tolerated her. She seemed cool but extreme in ways that were exhausting for me.
Then when I heard she had been drinking on her way to school and smelling like alcohol during class my thoughts of her became less caring and less accepting. I wondered if she was drunk when she was in her more extreme states. Now I just wonder what the fuck actually happened. But that third classmate (sorry if it's getting confusing by now) promised to tell me more about when we meet at school next week. Oh god, what a mess everything became...
And then I'm here, halfway alcoholic not giving a shit. Keeping it a secret from everyone at school. What does that make me? I should probably feel bad about that, but I'm just protecting my own skin as usual.
And then K... he did write something yesterday or if it was the day before (I keep mixing up the days lately) that worried the hell out of me. I don't want to say too much about what he wrote but he's not getting any better and frankly I think he's just getting worse. I also feel I should say that I got the impression he indirectly said to me (and his other friends) that no one cares or wants to be around him. And I just... I don't know, I felt the need to write him a long ass message telling him more than ever before about how much I actually do care and why I gave him space lately. I just don't think now in my numbness is such a good time.
I still want to write him that message, with no demands or expectations on him. Just a selfless, truthful letter that he won't even need to reply to. I still love him to bits even though my mind has been a bit preoccupied with other things lately. I never forget about him, I never take anything for granted when it comes to him. But yeah, life keeps happening and fact remains that I'm very far away from him and he doesn't always respond to my messages to him and when he does he rarely wants to talk to me. It makes me frustrated, but I can't blame him. I blame myself for being annoying, needy, clingy and just wanting too damn much. More than he can give me.
So I'm stuck not knowing what the fuck to do. I don't want him to die believing I never really cared about him when in fact I've been in love with him, truly madly deeply, for soon 3 years. I don't want him dying at all of course though. And I just have all these fucked up thoughts and sensations within me spinning like crazy and I can't reach them now in this numb state. I can't reach out to myself, so how could I reach out to anyone else?
I need this state to be over but I also need it to stay and protect me. Cause I could really use that protection right now. Today I'm thankful for it, yesterday I was not. I just tried to eat my dinner but it was so dull and tasteless I had to force it down. In fact everything bores me and now I'm getting more headache too. I wonder how it became that I bought two candles that Monday. Did I on some subconscious level know? No, it's silly, I couldn't have. I hope I won't have to buy more candles though...
I don't know if this only has to do with my shitty week or if it's actually deeper than that, but I feel lately that another suicide attempt might be coming up. Not today, likely not tomorrow either, but just... vaguely sometime in the future. And I'm not talking about the spring, so slightly sooner than that. I won't give you any details, I mean I wouldn't even if I had any. It's just a vague thought so far. I don't even know what method to go for as I'm all out of potentially lethal pills. And that's my favourite method, as you might have noticed.
After a quick counting, I come to the conclusion that I've tried pills 11 out of 18 times, strangulation 4 times, cutting 2 times and starvation 1 time. So yeah. Wonder what I'll do next. I have a few things I'd like to try but I know I shouldn't. Maybe that's why though. Oh, but things have to become hella shittier than this for me to go for it a 19th time. Or maybe it would be enough having my feelings come back to me. What do I know.
I'm getting tired, but I suppose I'm back here on my blog now. At least now I am, I'm not gonna promise that I'm permanently back just in case I won't be. I haven't read this through yet so it's hard summarise, but yeah, it's been one hell of a week and it's not even over yet. And my feelings took a break from me, which I now find to be a bit of a relief, or more like a necessity for my own damned survival. I don't know what more to say, so this is it for now.
Y, you're not forgotten in all of this, but I can't reach out to you right now. I still want to, but I can't find the words again. You still linger in my thoughts though and I find that comforting.
I did like him, I sure as hell did, but he could never mean as much as Bowie did to me. I loved his roles in the movies he starred in, he had amazing charisma and a voice that almost made me tremble. I did find him handsome too. But he didn't shape my childhood and teenage years like Bowie did. He was a great person though, as far as I could tell. This numbness really did come with perfect timing, cause without it, I would probably be either climbing the walls or crying on the floor non-stop by now. I think I would still be crying for Bowie if the numbness hadn't struck me.
Also I worried about K quite a lot, almost to tears, right between the news of Bowie and Rickman. It's been a horrible week and I just want this to be over. But I feel as though, this is just the beginning. Of possibly that great tragedy I'm awaiting by the spring. How much worse can it get? Oh, don't even get me started. It can always get worse and worse it always gets. I'm quite used to that by now. Since I thought I had reached that mysterious "bottom" back in 2010 only to discover I was to fall even further down into darkness. There is no bottom, it's just degrees of darkness and it always gets darker.
I know I've said it before, but I still believe that. I wonder what state I will be in when I snap out of this numbness. Devastated, probably. Cause I didn't get much time to mourn Bowie and then all that other stuff happened too. I keep shaking my head in disbelief, even though there's no one to see me here. I've wondered how my sister is coping with these celebrity deaths too, I know she's a big fan of Bowie too and that she did at least care about Rickman on some level. I've been meaning to ask my mother but for some reason I don't dare to. Though, if my sister's reaction had been extreme in some way that would worry me, I think my mother would have told me already.
And I keep thinking about my two classmates that have apparently been kicked out of school because of drug or alcohol addiction. Apparently one dragged down the other as they were both rehabilitating from that. Or at least the one who was dragged down back into it was. She's the one I'm thinking the most about. I will miss her. So that's actually a 4th kinda huge thing happening in my life this week. The same bloody week!
No I can't fathom it. I don't know what to think, believe or say. Hey, good thing I bought two candles during Monday. I now light one for Bowie and the other for Rickman. Even wrote their names on the candles. I won't burn them all the way down then, so that I can keep the candles forever and ever to always remember that I lit them for the two stars. Might do something artsy with the candles later on, when I'm done burning them, or just leave them as they are now. Put them in my cabinet/bookshelf with glass doors.
It just feels so surreal now. And they both died of the same cause, and they both kept it hidden and died at the same age.
I'm so tired to the bone. Tired mentally, but it effects me physically too. I listened to "Absolute Beginners" by Bowie again earlier today as it's one of my favourite songs by him and it made me shiver to an extreme. Now I listen to "Send me an angel" by Scorpions instead. I need breaks. I need to try and let the remains of my heart rest from all the tearing. I don't know if I want to feel ever again.
Now I'm thinking about that classmate again. We became, almost like friends. I do consider her a friend by my standards but I don't know if that's mutual or not. She just seemed to have so much fire in her, you know? Like she would have done anything to keep fighting and getting better. For her children and herself. Her kids had been taken away from her, but she was allowed to see them sometimes. If that was under supervision or not I don't know. Now I can't help but think what will happen to her, if she really is back with her addiction that she fought so much to be free from.
And I will miss talking to her at school, sharing cigarettes and laughing at how miserable everything is. But she's not gone gone, you know. She just won't be coming back to school. Or for fucks sake that's what I hope my other classmate who told me meant. I don't know what I'll do if... But it's still sad however and I can't stop wondering what that other classmate has been up to. The one who apparently dragged her down back into the addiction, I mean. I liked her too at some point, or I just barely more than tolerated her. She seemed cool but extreme in ways that were exhausting for me.
Then when I heard she had been drinking on her way to school and smelling like alcohol during class my thoughts of her became less caring and less accepting. I wondered if she was drunk when she was in her more extreme states. Now I just wonder what the fuck actually happened. But that third classmate (sorry if it's getting confusing by now) promised to tell me more about when we meet at school next week. Oh god, what a mess everything became...
And then I'm here, halfway alcoholic not giving a shit. Keeping it a secret from everyone at school. What does that make me? I should probably feel bad about that, but I'm just protecting my own skin as usual.
And then K... he did write something yesterday or if it was the day before (I keep mixing up the days lately) that worried the hell out of me. I don't want to say too much about what he wrote but he's not getting any better and frankly I think he's just getting worse. I also feel I should say that I got the impression he indirectly said to me (and his other friends) that no one cares or wants to be around him. And I just... I don't know, I felt the need to write him a long ass message telling him more than ever before about how much I actually do care and why I gave him space lately. I just don't think now in my numbness is such a good time.
I still want to write him that message, with no demands or expectations on him. Just a selfless, truthful letter that he won't even need to reply to. I still love him to bits even though my mind has been a bit preoccupied with other things lately. I never forget about him, I never take anything for granted when it comes to him. But yeah, life keeps happening and fact remains that I'm very far away from him and he doesn't always respond to my messages to him and when he does he rarely wants to talk to me. It makes me frustrated, but I can't blame him. I blame myself for being annoying, needy, clingy and just wanting too damn much. More than he can give me.
So I'm stuck not knowing what the fuck to do. I don't want him to die believing I never really cared about him when in fact I've been in love with him, truly madly deeply, for soon 3 years. I don't want him dying at all of course though. And I just have all these fucked up thoughts and sensations within me spinning like crazy and I can't reach them now in this numb state. I can't reach out to myself, so how could I reach out to anyone else?
I need this state to be over but I also need it to stay and protect me. Cause I could really use that protection right now. Today I'm thankful for it, yesterday I was not. I just tried to eat my dinner but it was so dull and tasteless I had to force it down. In fact everything bores me and now I'm getting more headache too. I wonder how it became that I bought two candles that Monday. Did I on some subconscious level know? No, it's silly, I couldn't have. I hope I won't have to buy more candles though...
I don't know if this only has to do with my shitty week or if it's actually deeper than that, but I feel lately that another suicide attempt might be coming up. Not today, likely not tomorrow either, but just... vaguely sometime in the future. And I'm not talking about the spring, so slightly sooner than that. I won't give you any details, I mean I wouldn't even if I had any. It's just a vague thought so far. I don't even know what method to go for as I'm all out of potentially lethal pills. And that's my favourite method, as you might have noticed.
After a quick counting, I come to the conclusion that I've tried pills 11 out of 18 times, strangulation 4 times, cutting 2 times and starvation 1 time. So yeah. Wonder what I'll do next. I have a few things I'd like to try but I know I shouldn't. Maybe that's why though. Oh, but things have to become hella shittier than this for me to go for it a 19th time. Or maybe it would be enough having my feelings come back to me. What do I know.
I'm getting tired, but I suppose I'm back here on my blog now. At least now I am, I'm not gonna promise that I'm permanently back just in case I won't be. I haven't read this through yet so it's hard summarise, but yeah, it's been one hell of a week and it's not even over yet. And my feelings took a break from me, which I now find to be a bit of a relief, or more like a necessity for my own damned survival. I don't know what more to say, so this is it for now.
Y, you're not forgotten in all of this, but I can't reach out to you right now. I still want to, but I can't find the words again. You still linger in my thoughts though and I find that comforting.
Monday, 11 January 2016
As my world falls down
There's an empty void inside of me, I've not been able to think clearly all day. Since I heard it. My teacher told me, cause I actually talked about him during class, sometime around 9:30 this morning. My childhood idol, the only celebrity I could almost say that I love, in some way, David Bowie, passed away this morning. I will light candles for him, maybe cry if I can, later this evening. Cause I've gotta do something.
For two decades I've been his fan, more or less exactly that long. I must have been somewhere around 6 years old when I first saw the movie "Labyrinth" (which I really have to re-watch again tonight) and instantly fell for his grace. His voice, how awesome he looked, just everything about him was perfect in my eyes back then. I didn't care that he was older than my parents.
Now I know I haven't written much here lately but this just feels so god damn important, how can I not? I don't know what I feel. Sad, but mostly just empty. As if I don't truly allow myself to feel. Of course, I'm listening to some of his songs right now. Absolute beginners, Blue Jean, Ashes to ashes, Cat people and so on. My favourites. I will of course buy his new, and last, cd as soon as I can. That one, I really need to have in physical form.
I never got to meet him. That thought keeps following me today. Echoing inside my otherwise rather empty head. I'm glad school wasn't so long today, or I don't think I would have managed. I was thinking about just leaving the place at around 10:15 but decided to stay, as it was just half an hour left. We were supposed to talk about an idol we each had and why they were special to us, and also choose one word to describe that person. I said David Bowie and that he was inspirational. I had no idea at that time, but was told just seconds later.
I don't have a tv, I don't read the newspaper. It came as quite a shock and I had to push away the tears. Couldn't cry in front of my class, it would just have been embarrassing, or I don't even know. I feel I should try to write a poem, like a dedication to him, about how he helped me finding myself when I was in my late childhood and early teens. And also I should say something on facebook and tumblr and god damn everywhere.
But I just need to somehow collect my thoughts a bit, distract them with WoW and drawing and what not. Just for a while. I'll go grocery and cigarette shopping in an hour or two and I'll buy candles as well. Then I can mourn. Also I should try and find more information regarding his death, if there is any. Yeah, apparently he had been battling cancer for quite a while. How could I not have known? Or did I...?
I don't know if this whole entry is only gonna be related to him or if I'll add in other things as well, but my thought is it's mostly gonna be about him. I still think that his song "As the world falls down" should be played on my funeral whenever I die. It is to me the best song in the entire world and I think it would fit for a funeral as well. I somehow think I should have sensed that something was about to happen. Wasn't his last cd out as far back as in 2003, "Reality" or was there another one between? I mean, just suddenly he came out with a new cd after many years of not having come out with one, should I not have been suspicious?
But I felt nothing, suspected nothing, it came as a complete shock. And I'm still in some kind of shock, I half don't even want to believe it's true at all. I'm cold in my layers of clothing and wrapped up in a teddy blanket. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill has gone, wasn't too much fun at all, but I'll be there for you, as the world falls down." I should draw him too, but now it's becoming so many things I want to do that I don't know if I'll have time enough to manage it all in just one day. But the drawing can take days to finish and that's not like it has to be done today as long as I start drawing it today. Like do a collage/tribute thing, I think.
To draw him as Ziggy Stardust, the thin white duke, Jareth the goblin king and so on. Maybe add in some text too. I should draw it all on a bigger paper perhaps, on an A3 sized one. That would take more than just a few days to finish though, especially if I'm gonna make school some kind of priority as well. I can't, literally can't, draw for 10+ hours a day these days because of school. But I think I would if I didn't have school.
I should get started with that pretty soon but buy my groceries and cigarettes first so I'll have that done before it's dark. Then light some candles, draw and write some more. And when I get too tired to draw, I'll watch Labyrinth and possibly some other movies that he starred in. Most of those movies might be hard to find though. Like "The man who fell to Earth" and such, but maybe I could find the half bad "The hunger" though. Yeah, I think I do have somewhat of a plan.
And I find myself staring at my wrist watch/calorie counter lying on my desk, how the numbers change on it every second, counting the minutes and hours. For minutes or just seconds at a time, I'm just staring at it with nothing on my mind. I try though, to just write down anything that comes to mind, but it's not really changing that much or that often. Some things repeat themselves too. I feel as though I'm constantly close to crying but it never turns into actual tears. I'm not forcing it either way, back or forth. It's usually like that when I'm sad, I feel the tears pushing but they just never come.
Not when I'm alone, safe and free to cry however much I please. Then I just can't. Not even over David Bowie. Maybe I will later on, when the shock leaves and turns the sadness around in me, makes it overwhelming. It could happen even later though, or not at all. I cannot possibly know. I try to play WoW or draw my troll but it just feels so empty and pointless, I can't focus. All I feel is the tears pushing and the emptiness in my head, the void in my heart and the shock that holds me in a firm grip.
Okay, first few tears actually did run over. I have a sensation it will be more before this day is over. There, I've just been to the grocery store, tobacco store and the liquor store. Yeah, I thought some wine was necessary too. Wine and chocolate. Then I just lit two candles that I just bought. Would have bought more but then I thought maybe two is enough. They were on sale and pretty cheap. Probably because they're white and not in a bright and jolly colour like the others were. I couldn't find my favourite red wine at the store though (something in Spanish that I can't spell but like Castiello del diablo or something like that) so I went with my parents' old favourite Lindemans instead. It will have to do.
I don't really plan on getting myself drunk though, cause then I can't either write or draw. So I'll aim for tipsy at most. One glass now and then another a bit later. Something like that. I just listened to his song "Lazarus" and tears just streaming down my face now. I lick up the salty ones that run down to my lips, but leave the rest of them be. I seem to cry then it stops then it starts again and it gets more intense each time. Soon I'll have a river bursting out of me. I find it comforting, reassuring.
I reached out to a distant friend on facebook, I know that friend of mine is just as much, if not more, a fan of Bowie. And I wanted to let him know I'm thinking about him too today. I guess my thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm crying again. Jesus, that wasn't many minutes that passed... Okay, I don't think I've ever cried this much in just one day before. It's more likely that I cry over someone else than over myself. I guess it's been that way for a long time now.
Cried for the fourth time now. I don't think this is gonna stop anytime soon, but I don't mind. I keep thinking about him but always have to correct myself to using past tense and I guess that's one of the things that tips me off the edge all the time. I guess this is some kind of grief. Grief over someone I never really knew. But I've never lost someone close to me and this as close as it's ever gotten. Like, the only relatives that has died are my grandparents and those before them, and I was never close to them. I've never lost a friend that way. A school teacher once, but that's all, and we weren't that close either, I jut liked her a lot.
So yeah, losing David Bowie is indeed hard on me. I could never have guessed just how hard it would be but I've tried at times. Just to maybe possibly prepare myself or something. I just kind of knew he would die before me. I hoped it would be the other way around, but yeah. I don't really know what to do, I can't focus on anything. I ate all the chocolate (it was just one bar) and keep drinking my wine. I've passed the tipsy state, but I don't really care. Think I'm gonna get some kind of dinner now-ish.
I'm crying again, 6th time now, as 5th time wasn't that long ago. My eyes are starting to really hurt by now. And I don't know how much longer I can write before I crash from too much wine (I just drank the whole bottle, but it was just 13 something percent alcohol) and plain old tiredness. And I think both having been to school and this sadness is wearing me out more than usually. I think that bottle was just 5 glasses, which to me isn't all that much. But it was nice while it lasted.
I guess my mother will call soon and I'll probably cry on the phone as well. Nope I didn't. Okay I think I'm done crying for today, perhaps. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna stay awake, so I'll better post this now. Already crashed on the couch so. I'll just end it here.
For two decades I've been his fan, more or less exactly that long. I must have been somewhere around 6 years old when I first saw the movie "Labyrinth" (which I really have to re-watch again tonight) and instantly fell for his grace. His voice, how awesome he looked, just everything about him was perfect in my eyes back then. I didn't care that he was older than my parents.
Now I know I haven't written much here lately but this just feels so god damn important, how can I not? I don't know what I feel. Sad, but mostly just empty. As if I don't truly allow myself to feel. Of course, I'm listening to some of his songs right now. Absolute beginners, Blue Jean, Ashes to ashes, Cat people and so on. My favourites. I will of course buy his new, and last, cd as soon as I can. That one, I really need to have in physical form.
I never got to meet him. That thought keeps following me today. Echoing inside my otherwise rather empty head. I'm glad school wasn't so long today, or I don't think I would have managed. I was thinking about just leaving the place at around 10:15 but decided to stay, as it was just half an hour left. We were supposed to talk about an idol we each had and why they were special to us, and also choose one word to describe that person. I said David Bowie and that he was inspirational. I had no idea at that time, but was told just seconds later.
I don't have a tv, I don't read the newspaper. It came as quite a shock and I had to push away the tears. Couldn't cry in front of my class, it would just have been embarrassing, or I don't even know. I feel I should try to write a poem, like a dedication to him, about how he helped me finding myself when I was in my late childhood and early teens. And also I should say something on facebook and tumblr and god damn everywhere.
But I just need to somehow collect my thoughts a bit, distract them with WoW and drawing and what not. Just for a while. I'll go grocery and cigarette shopping in an hour or two and I'll buy candles as well. Then I can mourn. Also I should try and find more information regarding his death, if there is any. Yeah, apparently he had been battling cancer for quite a while. How could I not have known? Or did I...?
I don't know if this whole entry is only gonna be related to him or if I'll add in other things as well, but my thought is it's mostly gonna be about him. I still think that his song "As the world falls down" should be played on my funeral whenever I die. It is to me the best song in the entire world and I think it would fit for a funeral as well. I somehow think I should have sensed that something was about to happen. Wasn't his last cd out as far back as in 2003, "Reality" or was there another one between? I mean, just suddenly he came out with a new cd after many years of not having come out with one, should I not have been suspicious?
But I felt nothing, suspected nothing, it came as a complete shock. And I'm still in some kind of shock, I half don't even want to believe it's true at all. I'm cold in my layers of clothing and wrapped up in a teddy blanket. "As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you. Every thrill has gone, wasn't too much fun at all, but I'll be there for you, as the world falls down." I should draw him too, but now it's becoming so many things I want to do that I don't know if I'll have time enough to manage it all in just one day. But the drawing can take days to finish and that's not like it has to be done today as long as I start drawing it today. Like do a collage/tribute thing, I think.
To draw him as Ziggy Stardust, the thin white duke, Jareth the goblin king and so on. Maybe add in some text too. I should draw it all on a bigger paper perhaps, on an A3 sized one. That would take more than just a few days to finish though, especially if I'm gonna make school some kind of priority as well. I can't, literally can't, draw for 10+ hours a day these days because of school. But I think I would if I didn't have school.
I should get started with that pretty soon but buy my groceries and cigarettes first so I'll have that done before it's dark. Then light some candles, draw and write some more. And when I get too tired to draw, I'll watch Labyrinth and possibly some other movies that he starred in. Most of those movies might be hard to find though. Like "The man who fell to Earth" and such, but maybe I could find the half bad "The hunger" though. Yeah, I think I do have somewhat of a plan.
And I find myself staring at my wrist watch/calorie counter lying on my desk, how the numbers change on it every second, counting the minutes and hours. For minutes or just seconds at a time, I'm just staring at it with nothing on my mind. I try though, to just write down anything that comes to mind, but it's not really changing that much or that often. Some things repeat themselves too. I feel as though I'm constantly close to crying but it never turns into actual tears. I'm not forcing it either way, back or forth. It's usually like that when I'm sad, I feel the tears pushing but they just never come.
Not when I'm alone, safe and free to cry however much I please. Then I just can't. Not even over David Bowie. Maybe I will later on, when the shock leaves and turns the sadness around in me, makes it overwhelming. It could happen even later though, or not at all. I cannot possibly know. I try to play WoW or draw my troll but it just feels so empty and pointless, I can't focus. All I feel is the tears pushing and the emptiness in my head, the void in my heart and the shock that holds me in a firm grip.
Okay, first few tears actually did run over. I have a sensation it will be more before this day is over. There, I've just been to the grocery store, tobacco store and the liquor store. Yeah, I thought some wine was necessary too. Wine and chocolate. Then I just lit two candles that I just bought. Would have bought more but then I thought maybe two is enough. They were on sale and pretty cheap. Probably because they're white and not in a bright and jolly colour like the others were. I couldn't find my favourite red wine at the store though (something in Spanish that I can't spell but like Castiello del diablo or something like that) so I went with my parents' old favourite Lindemans instead. It will have to do.
I don't really plan on getting myself drunk though, cause then I can't either write or draw. So I'll aim for tipsy at most. One glass now and then another a bit later. Something like that. I just listened to his song "Lazarus" and tears just streaming down my face now. I lick up the salty ones that run down to my lips, but leave the rest of them be. I seem to cry then it stops then it starts again and it gets more intense each time. Soon I'll have a river bursting out of me. I find it comforting, reassuring.
I reached out to a distant friend on facebook, I know that friend of mine is just as much, if not more, a fan of Bowie. And I wanted to let him know I'm thinking about him too today. I guess my thoughts are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I still don't know what to do with myself. I'm crying again. Jesus, that wasn't many minutes that passed... Okay, I don't think I've ever cried this much in just one day before. It's more likely that I cry over someone else than over myself. I guess it's been that way for a long time now.
Cried for the fourth time now. I don't think this is gonna stop anytime soon, but I don't mind. I keep thinking about him but always have to correct myself to using past tense and I guess that's one of the things that tips me off the edge all the time. I guess this is some kind of grief. Grief over someone I never really knew. But I've never lost someone close to me and this as close as it's ever gotten. Like, the only relatives that has died are my grandparents and those before them, and I was never close to them. I've never lost a friend that way. A school teacher once, but that's all, and we weren't that close either, I jut liked her a lot.
So yeah, losing David Bowie is indeed hard on me. I could never have guessed just how hard it would be but I've tried at times. Just to maybe possibly prepare myself or something. I just kind of knew he would die before me. I hoped it would be the other way around, but yeah. I don't really know what to do, I can't focus on anything. I ate all the chocolate (it was just one bar) and keep drinking my wine. I've passed the tipsy state, but I don't really care. Think I'm gonna get some kind of dinner now-ish.
I'm crying again, 6th time now, as 5th time wasn't that long ago. My eyes are starting to really hurt by now. And I don't know how much longer I can write before I crash from too much wine (I just drank the whole bottle, but it was just 13 something percent alcohol) and plain old tiredness. And I think both having been to school and this sadness is wearing me out more than usually. I think that bottle was just 5 glasses, which to me isn't all that much. But it was nice while it lasted.
I guess my mother will call soon and I'll probably cry on the phone as well. Nope I didn't. Okay I think I'm done crying for today, perhaps. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna stay awake, so I'll better post this now. Already crashed on the couch so. I'll just end it here.
Friday, 8 January 2016
Just a few words
Y, I am working on a reply to you on tumblr, but I will need to continue it tomorrow cause I'm too tired now. But yes, I'm writing to you again. Just wanted to let you know that.
Friday, 1 January 2016
I'll write soon again
Y, I just thought I would say a few words. I saw your latest message on tumblr and I'll answer it too as soon as I can. I've not found a way to write while staying at my parents' place, but I do plan on going back home on Saturday or Sunday again and then I'll write again. I kinda miss it.
I will and do look forward to answering your messages. It's late now, or well it has become for me, as it's slightly past 1:00 o'clock on New Years Eve and I'm a little drunk on first wine, then another type of wine and last but not least champagne. So I'll probably crash in bed soon.
Anyways, I need to stress down with some WoW now before I crash. And also, I'm still here, even though I haven't said much lately. Still thinking about you, just as much as before.
I will and do look forward to answering your messages. It's late now, or well it has become for me, as it's slightly past 1:00 o'clock on New Years Eve and I'm a little drunk on first wine, then another type of wine and last but not least champagne. So I'll probably crash in bed soon.
Anyways, I need to stress down with some WoW now before I crash. And also, I'm still here, even though I haven't said much lately. Still thinking about you, just as much as before.
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