Cognitive dissonance

Why not write about more about my unpopular opinions? While I've been at it before? I've tapped into this earlier this year, which might have been a hint, but not gotten into the real depth of it yet. I think this might be important even though I'm still kinda managing this situation. It could get out of control, it could get worse, stronger. Even harmful. It is a cognitive dissonance meaning that I hold two contradictory views/beliefs about the same thing, at the same time, but only act upon the far better of them, and for damn good reasons. But I can't find a way to balance them out, or come to an agreement with myself. Feminism, such a difficult topic for me.

I know I have a negative and likely even sexist view on what's considered female traits (both in regards to physical attributes and personality/gender associated attributes) because of my own self hatred and dysphoria which I realise affect the way I view other people with similar bodies/body parts as well as women in general, both cis and trans. Yeah I'm looking down on females and femininity cause of some kind of internalised transphobia and thinking too highly of males and masculinity.

I hide it well though, I really don't want for any of my friends and lovers, whether they're female, male, cis or trans, to know that I hold misogynistic views/feelings. I don't want to have those kind of views and feelings, they're hurting myself and I know that if I let them out they could very likely hurt others as well. Almost all of my friends are very strongly feminists, regardless of their own gender situation. Trying my best to fight and stand for total gender equality when I also hold misogynistic views isn't easy. Like trying to push a rock in two different directions at once to get it to move forward. I contradict myself, it's reason against emotion that go in opposite directions.

Intellectually and even somewhat emotionally, I know that there's nothing wrong with being female or being feminine, that the gender or the sex isn't bad, it's equal to its opposite - but most of my emotional activity just doesn't want to jump on board to that. It says no, it's wrong, it's gross and why would anyone want to be a woman? It says they're weaker, overly sensitive and emotional and demand far too much in society. It wants to put them in their place or man them up.

It's horrid, it's disgusting and I know I haven't always felt that way towards female people. It started around the time I came out as trans and started my transition. I was worried that me being myself, living as my true gender, would make me misogynistic. I had all reasons to worry. And well, not only do my emotions like to put women down, but also they want to praise men way too fucking high. I can't say for sure that it only has to do with my own dysphoria and disgust for my own female body parts, my idolisation of maleness and masculinity, my extreme cis envy, and with me being so damn gay that I literally glorify other men - but I can say that I think it's very likely all of those things have a lot to do with this.

It does lean over to an unhealthy obsession and idolisation that has become toxic and dangerous to my view on sex and gender in society. How can I call myself a feminist? That would be very incorrect, but I also know that I kinda hold onto that label, because I don't want to be misogynistic, sexist and bigoted. I want to be able to actually think of men and women as equally good, awesome, valuable and deserving of just as much respect, acceptance, love and freedom. And I want to view people individually, not based on sex and gender. I want to change my sucky feelings cause I know they're wrong and harmful and I don't want them around.

I never act upon them, I never even express having them, until now. I'm afraid of people finding out. But more afraid of me losing control over them one day, for them to actually become harmful to others. This is a cognitive dissonance that I have no idea what to do about. Cause at the same time as I want freedom and equality for both men and women - I still am misogynistic and sexist as well, but I don't want to be.

So yeah, what I do about it so far is act on my logic and reasoning instead of my fucked up feelings. And I know this isn't new, I've been fighting those feelings for the past 8 years, since I was around 19-20. I don't know if I can ever change them, but I'm sure they are there for a reason. Maybe, just maybe dealing with my own dysphoria and body issues and getting over myself and my past could be a big step in the right direction of praising women a bit more and praising men a bit less. But I can't know that for sure, and even if, I still will probably never see a day when my emotions say "they're all equal". This is definitely one of those things I want to say that I'm working on, but honestly I have no idea what to even possibly do about it. I've just kept pushing that rock in opposite directions at once, hoping I'll figure something out eventually. I've gotten nowhere.

The hardest detail to admit

I'm on a protected IP-adress. Damn. Catch me if you can, nananana! Sorry couldn't help myself. However, just want to clarify that I'm not actually up to anything illegal online, it's just as a precaution to kinda avoid getting in trouble for stuff I haven't done. When I noticed that I ended up on https addresses without even realising and randomly sketchy websites and just looking at my suspicious search history I just got a bit of ice in my stomach.

This has been going on for quite a while now (probably years, although more frequently over time) and it's gotten to a point where I just had to do something to keep my worries somewhat in check. No I won't say exactly where I've been lurking around, but let's just say a lot has made me ask myself "is this entirely safe? am I even supposed to be here? what could happen if someone finds out I've been here?" and it has given me a certain lingering sense of dread. Like it's borderline risky, or could be risky, but not downright obviously risky. Most likely. Hopefully. So I decided to go for anonymous surfing. However I know it's not completely bullet proof and I should still try my best to avoid getting into even deeper shit. Which I will.

Although I think I can safely say that I ended up on a random website for sex workers. (A place for such a business, where you can both get in contact with sew workers and advertise yourself as one, or just lurk around and do neither for that matter as they have a forum as well, as long as you're respectful to the other users). I recognised it, I've been on it before, probably many years ago. Even think I had an account there back then. No I'm not seriously considering selling myself, I'm just curious about this kind of thing, but yeah, the thought has kept hitting me on numerous occasions for I really don't know how long. At least 7-8 years, maybe more. Don't think I'll ever act on it, but yeah. And nope, never will and never have wanted to buy. Why would I when it's for free?

Anyway, it is perfectly legal to be on that site, especially if you're just lurking around. However it's obvious that illegal stuff is going on there as well (as it's illegal to buy sex in Sweden, although not to sell), which I think does put me at somewhat of a risk just being there, however I'm not sure if it actually does. See where I'm going with this? It's sketchy, but I'm not actually up to something I'm not allowed to.

And that sort of thing has become quite a habit. Something I can't seem to just stop myself from doing. All that taboo information I just got to have, and getting all the more desperate to find information about specific things that aren't often talked about for various reasons. Perhaps it's just rare, or embarrassing to most people, or you don't know who or where to turn to, or it hasn't really been documented much at all cause people forget that even the embarrassing, weird or uncomfortable stuff can be very important too. That desperation sometimes leads me off from the safe sites, when there's just that one link that seems to know what I'm thinking about. Be aware, I tell myself, be careful.

That old saying "curiosity killed the cat" keeps popping up in my head. Not like a mantra, but just as a friendly reminder every once in a while. That leash that keeps on loosening. Yeah I hear you. And if curiosity could kill anyone, I guess that would be me. I know I have little to no inhibitions, or limits, when it comes to what kind of knowledge and experiences I'm into. I know I often take more risks than most people in some situations (as well as taking far less risks than most people in other situations). I don't fear people, not even the actually dangerous ones that I should stay away from. I never trust, but I also never fear. However I do fear a lot of things that aren't actually dangerous, like phones or heights. This makes my life choices a bit weird.

I'm guessing this might have something to do with my kinda severe trust issues, even though I'm fully aware of the irony in that statement. Knowing that I can't trust anyone, letting them have at it while exposing myself to certain risks does mean that there is no trust to break even to begin with. It makes me count on it, that shit is gonna get fucked up sooner or later anyway, so that when things did go wrong, I was never surprised and somehow that made me feel safer. Safe knowing that the scenario actually turned out as I expected for it to. I started to care less and less about risks and danger with the even more dangerous thought "I've been through worse, I can handle it" cause what if I can't?

I'm sure someday I'll dive head first into something I can't handle. However figuring out exactly what that might be isn't entirely easy. The list is probably kinda long. Am I drawn to danger for the thrill of knowing I've always survived so far - or do I just not care?

Mostly in terms of sex and meeting strangers, this applies, I think. Yeah I've been around, and I just realised a couple of days ago that a large majority of all my partners were casual, strangers I met at night clubs for one-night-stands or strangers that found me online for a hook-up in real life a couple of days later. Often unprotected. I don't even remember all their names. I was damaged already way before the rape though. At 17 I wanted to lose my virginity as I saw it as a burden, as me being inexperienced and I was of course curious about sex. But more obsessed with losing my virginity than I even wanted to feel pleasure. Back in fall 2006 when I had just started my second gymnasium school, I had a classmate, 2 years older than me so we didn't go the same grade, but at the same asperger unit separated from the rest of that school and students of all 3 grades viewed each other and all of us as "classmates" cause we were a pretty tight group despite not going to the same lessons and being of different ages. However, we barely considered each other friends, that guy and I, but I agreed to go home with him after school.

That happened several times (maybe 20-30 times in total but it's a wild guess) and I know he thought of us as "fuck buddies" but that term made it turn in my stomach at the time. I was a 17 year old virgin. Or virgin by my and most of society's standards. But not entirely inexperienced at that point anymore. I wasn't sure what I was up to. I wasn't in love with him, he had no feelings for me either which he constantly reminded me of, but we were intimate. I felt both drawn to and appalled by him at the same time. I was conflicted. I guess deep down I wanted a loving romantic relationship but I was also damaged, had low self esteem, still barely recovering from the bullying that had stopped just a couple of years earlier, and saw I had a bit of a new opportunity when finally someone wanted me in ways like never before.

We ended up doing almost anything sexual except from the penis in vagina action. I knew I wanted it, but not with him. I don't know for sure if he coerced me into that kind of stuff, or if he just thought I was always up for it. He wasn't very keen on noticing details like it was always him taking the initiative, that I was always indecisive before eventually saying yes, that my silence and discomfort triumphed my moans and pleasure. Sure it wasn't all bad, in fact I've long wished I had just stopped being so damn insecure and let him have me. When I actually had the damn option right in front of me. Cause it would have been way better than how I actually lost my official virginity in the beginning of the following year. I know I went back to him after that, but still reluctant to let him in.

Whatever I'm still bitter and kicking my old self for past decisions I can't change. I also think about that day I was raped, 10 years ago. The question I always keep asking myself is "Why did I agree to go home with him, knowing what could happen?" cause I did know. Just right after he asked me "Do you want to come to my place?" the thought hit me: he could rape me at his place, if I say yes. I didn't block the thought out, no I carefully considered it, but I knew I couldn't just stand there at the train station and think about my decision forever while he waited for an answer. I knew it was a risk, but somehow I reached the conclusion that it was worth it, without knowing why. Maybe a minute or two passed before I told him "Yes."

Why would it be worth it? I barely even knew him. What was so important about hanging out with this online acquaintance that I had never met in real life before, that I was prepared to take the risk of him raping me? And that it actually turned out that way makes me question my own logic at the time even more. Did I even... want it? Sucker for sick experiences and danger, I know that feeling was stuffed away somewhere very deep inside of me, and I always kept stuffing it down even deeper after the event. Those kind of feelings, especially after coming true, are far too immense to have around.

I had read up a lot until that point, about rape victims. Random news articles, autobiographic books, stories online. I knew it was wrong of me but somehow the thought of going through such a thing was alluring to me. I never even analysed that thought, that twisting, turning, pitch black feeling like a void within me. I was probably around 15 when it hit me. Or well, more like sneaked up on me, gently placing one finger after the other on my shoulder as its grip slowly tightened, before letting out a soft, ice cold breath close to my neck. After the rape, I felt the claws of that hand digging in deep into my skin. "You asked for it" it whispered.

To say that it's been haunting me is a vast understatement. Why do you think I blame myself for that rape? I did want it. The experience. But of course being in that room with him made me realise how really not fun being in that kind of situation was. Of course I panicked. Panicked enough to freeze, when "no" and "stop" wasn't enough. I was more scared of myself than him at that point. I think it should be obvious why I've kept this particular detail to myself up until now. It was the hardest detail to admit. Be careful what you wish for, cause you might get it.

Turning time forward

I'm 30 in two years, how did that happen? Not that it's a bad age though, it's starting to get somewhere. I think 40 would be even better though. More aligned with how I feel. Only concern is maybe my body will be even more annoying by then, in terms of physical pain and other random ailments that probably aren't getting better with age. Also if I do manage to bulk up my muscle mass, keeping such a physique after 40 would probably be a bit harder too. I wonder what I will look like when I get older. Sure I have my parents' genes, but I am and probably will continue living a much wilder lifestyle than they ever did, that will surely affect my ageing process, or at least so I hope. I don't want to look as young as them when I'm their age. And somehow that sounded like literally the weirdest sentence ever... bare with me.

Yeah, I actually am smoking for the reason of it making me age faster. At least that's part of the reason, and a pretty big reason at that too. I do have a reversed age crisis (although I'm probably hiding it pretty well), meaning I'm just a bit obsessed with trying hard as hell to look way older than I ever have. Like around 20 years older than my actual age, so that I'd look closer to around 50 years old. Not succeeding so damn well though, as I still look like 20, which is too disappointing to even think about. But yeah, I do try with smoking, skipping sun screen, drinking, the way I dress, keep my beard and sometimes makeup although very careful about that last thing for it to not look just stupid.

I do believe it's pretty rare, to be young, look even younger, but wanting to look much older. I really do want to add decades to my face but I have no way of achieving that, except from just waiting then. All the other stuff, or at least smoking, drinking and skipping sun screen, can at best speed up the natural ageing process. But it's hardly like a reversed face-lift operation. Although that would have been interesting if it existed? Definitely wouldn't be able to afford something like that anyway though, and it will probably never exist. Just like that facial masculinisation surgery I kept dreaming about. Whatever.

It's hard to say what exactly I want the most to change about my looks ageing-wise. But yeah, wrinkles, more greyish skin tone and naturally grey hair/beard are certainly some of my favourites. More visible veins is damn beautiful too. More spots and other interesting details is nice as well. Over all, I think I see a lot that the older a person gets, the more interesting, detailed and in a way, unique, they look. It fascinates me and I want that too. And the colourlessness is appealing as well. I do always picture myself as male no matter how much older though. But I've noticed that quite often, men and women start looking a lot more similar to each other in the higher ages. Meaning like 65-ish and up.

Like I don't know if the thought has struck anyone else, but me knowing that literally no wrinkle or spot is ever the exact same on one person as on any other, that does spark something in me. So yeah, uniqueness is probably a strong reason as to why I find aesthetic beauty in it. But there's more to it. Like more people actually listening to you and showing respect, if you don't look like a spoiled brat or immature teenager, or a lazy 20-something year old.

But I do feel like I'm ungrateful for my youthful looks. People are already freakishly jealous of how the hell I manage to look like 20 when I'm almost 28. I don't fucking know? I'm doing everything I can to erase that youthfulness! But it's not going anywhere! But I'm almost sure that the same people would have an even harder time understanding my situation if they knew about me wanting and doing all that shit to look somewhere around 30 years older than how I actually look. That's more than the twice the age my face looks like.

The smoking does wonders for my skin though. Seriously. I'm pretty sure it's because of the smoking that I no longer have oily skin, but tends to lean over towards dry, but mostly it's just neither dry nor oily. No idea if it has any impact on the acne though (however it's almost gone now, which is especially lovely), and I do want more and deeper wrinkles. Especially around my eyes. I wouldn't need makeup if I had that. But yeah I really love that one, although shallow, wrinkle across my forehead. I sometimes do try to deepen it a bit with facial movements. Not sure if that helps much though.

Not sure what I wanted with this particular entry, instead of writing about something actually relevant to what's going on in my life nowadays. It's getting better though. I'm back to eating which goes better than before although not perfectly yet, and I'm on quite a long streak of good days, almost a full week. Not euphoria good though, just good. Not done anything harmful to myself or anyone else. My weird sexual fantasies are kept in check. I'm just up to anal play these days and it's only positive and amazingly pleasurable. I'll definitely keep up with that, carefully and safely.

Random reflecting

Somehow something made me think of a story I once heard online about a guy who managed to get orgasms from having his thumb stimulated. However he was pretty desperate to find any way at all though, cause his nether regions were practically dead due to... er think it was paralysed or spinal chord injury, I don't remember exactly but no part of his lower body was working however, so he had to get creative. And it did make me smile a bit knowing he actually did find a way. That's kinda sweet.

Yeah I actually have thought about things like how people with various physical disabilities do it. Not just cause of general curiosity though, but because I don't want to believe that they can't get to have that at all. I want to know that it can work for them somehow. And also because I have been with a physically disabled person myself, of course it's more than once crossed my mind after that, that I wouldn't say no to being with a person for the reason of them being disabled if I wanted to be with them cause I'm attracted to them and/or in love with them. So of course it's of interest to me how it could be like in that aspect for people who don't have it as easy as I do.

Well technically I've been with two people with noticeable/apparent physical disabilities. Both very different people, both having very different disabilities. Really the only thing they had in common was they were both cis men. One of them, the first one, I'm not sure exactly what his condition was but as far I know I would guess my way somewhere along the lines of muscle atrophy. I knew it was something he was born with that it wasn't curable or treatable. He was in a wheelchair and had quite a lot of control over his neck and head, face and such, and some-to-little control over his arms and hands but that was about it. He was very thin and his fingers curled up in what looked like an uncomfortable position. Nothing wrong with his equipment though... and damn he was hot and being with him was hot. I still wish I had kept in contact with him, but I was a mess at the time and could barely even keep in contact with myself.

The other guy I was with had a slight a brain damage (also since birth) which didn't affect his intelligence or personality, but it did affect his nervous system. It was noticeable in the way that he really did shake a lot, especially when he was nervous. I mean it wasn't just the regular kind of shaking a typical person could experience every now and then, it certainly stood out. More like a very constant and erratic kind of tic, or shivering extremely much when being very cold. I don't think I could describe it better than that. He told me that drinking alcohol helped him with that condition and he had brought beer with him when he visited me. He did spill quite a lot of it where we sat as he was still sober, but I didn't care about how much of his beer ended up on my couch. I was more concerned with trying to make him feel more comfortable with me, which wasn't all that hard actually. A little more beer and excitement later, he did shake a lot less and I even forgot about it somewhere in our passion.

However I don't particularly like saying lots of stuff about other people that I've been sexual with in terms of what kind of ailments they had. It feels like it looks like I'm somehow glorifying it or feeling proud over how unbiased I am and other stuff that makes me want to cringe. No, I was with them because 1) they were hot 2) I was horny 3) we both wanted to fuck each other 4) I didn't care whether or not they had that ailment, only in terms of what they could or couldn't do and what I could do to help to make things go smoother and so we both would have a great time.

Not all that many people that I know even know about this stuff about me. I'm sure not even my mother does, but only cause I never had a reason to tell her and she never asked, or most of anyone else. It's not like I go around and brag about it. Although I'm far from ashamed either. I like holding onto those memories cause I had a great time with nice people. Which was a kinda rare occurrence when it comes to my sex life in the past. However of course I've had very great times with other people too, but it would be a lie to say that these two men don't stand out from my other sexual encounters. But it was nothing but positive experiences for me. It didn't weird me out or made me feel more awkward than I normally always am in such situations. In fact for some reason I felt more safe with them than any other casual sex partner I've had.

That could be a thing though, actually. That I do tend to feel more safe when I'm with someone who has a disability that is prominent/noticeable, because I don't feel like they're as likely to take advantage of or abuse me. I think it could be either because of them being aware of that maybe they don't feel as wanted or appreciated, which I did get a strong impression of from both of them (however I certainly did want and appreciated them and I wanted for them to know/feel that), and also that they wouldn't be physically capable of attacking me, but that one goes for the first guy, not the second.

I also tend to feel like it's easier for me to be myself more openly when I'm with people who are more on the unconventional side, like if I'm with someone who is more or less "normal" I tend to feel like I have to try and pass off as "normal" too which does cause a lot of stress and insecurity for me. Then that doesn't really matter in what way they're unconventional though. So well, in both those regards, I think I understand why I was so relaxed and felt safe in their company, leading to great sex.

I know I wouldn't say no to being with someone because of them having some kind of disability, as long as we're into each other and we could make it work. But I don't think I would go looking for people in that category either, as that doesn't quite sit right with me. It's more of an if we meet and hit off well, then what's stopping us, kinda thing. I wouldn't consider it to be a turn-on for me, but it's not a turn-off either. It just is.

Yeah I usually don't go around and talk about stuff like this, however I call this blog a public diary for a reason. It's literally me making parts of my diary public. It's personal, it's meant to be. Reading it means you get to see what I don't talk about in public. Then it's up to you whatever you choose to do with the information.

Shifting priorities

Oh my god, I managed it! First step towards SRS. I'm still shaking, but I feel relieved. I didn't miss the trans team's calling hours this morning, although I almost did as suddenly it was 10:15 am and they closed those doors at 10:30. (Did I say I have a little bit of a distraction issue?) I managed to make the call, got to an answering machine and had to take one of four options to proceed from there. I really didn't know which option would be the best, so I just took the one that seemed the least off, which was to talk to a nurse there. Other options were booking an appointment, declining an appointment and a third one that I forgot what it was.

It really isn't easy at all to dial my personal identification number and phone number with extremely shaky hands no matter how big those buttons are. Just saying. However the machine voice told me a nurse would call me back at the number I had given at sometime around 1:30 pm. I was good with that and hung up the phone. However since I had purposely kept myself awake all night to make sure I wouldn't miss the calling hours again, I was really damn tired at that point.

So I set an alarm to go off at 12:30 before I went to sleep for the barely 2 hours until then. I woke up from the alarm, very confused. I thought "Wait why is it so late? Did I miss the calling hours again?" before I realised and then remembered what the alarm was actually for. I forced myself out of bed immediately to not risk falling asleep again. I needed to be at least awake by the time I would get my phone call.

Made myself coffee, went out for a smoke. Then I started playing some WoW as it was an hour until they would be calling and I didn't want to just sit and stare at the phone and wait impatiently for quite that long. However I did lose track of time while playing as I was busy battling several mobs the second the phone rang at 1:17. Crap. It took me a couple of seconds to react at all before I closed down WoW mid fight so that I could see the notes I had made for this conversation on my computer. Then I quickly answered the phone.

Of course my notes did not save me from becoming a hopeless case of a babbling idiot. I'm amazed the nurse even got what I was trying to say. However except from the slightly jumbled words I did manage to not let my nervousness take over me completely. My voice remained fairly calm and clear, just a little bit faster and less steady than my usual talking voice. This fucking phone phobia is a downright nightmare! Anyway, the nurse did understand what I was trying to say and she told me to wait. I assumed she was looking into my file, to check to see if I was correct, who
I am and such.

I really can't recall exactly which words flew out of me in random order, but I did say something like "I am/have been a patient here for a long time but haven't had contact for the past two or so years cause I'm kinda "done" but didn't have lower surgery but now I really do want that and I don't know how to go about that practically" and yeah it did become somewhat of just one long sentence, and a lot messier than that, but that was the message I was trying my best to convey and roughly in the order I said it.

Just to clarify, talking about it with that nurse was not what was difficult for me. This rambling and nervousness was only due to my phone-phobia. That's how greatly it affects me, even when I know the talking/interacting/telling my message part isn't a concern or worry at all. This is what makes it so difficult for me to make phone calls, to anyone who isn't my mother, but I do still get a little bit of this also when calling her, however to a much more manageable degree.

The nurse was away for a couple of minutes or so after she told me to wait and it was so quiet that I wondered if she had hung up on me. Checked the screen. Nope still on the line. Then she got back to me and said that I had gotten my legal gender changed and that stuff back in 2014, to which I said was correct. (It was in December 2014 so just a little over 2 years ago). She asked me if I remember if I had also applied for being allowed such surgeries on that application for my legal gender change, and I said I'm pretty sure I applied for everything such heavily implying that it's possible I was mistaken about what I had or hadn't applied for. I mean it was over two years ago and my memory is especially crappy.

Then she said that she needed to take it up with the team on their round on Wednesday...? I think she said it was Wednesday... to check with them if I really did apply for all that or not. She said that if I hadn't I would have to send in a new application applying for those things first before proceeding further. She asked me if that was okay as if she was unsure about me being okay with her making sure things are the way they're supposed to be, which did baffle me a bit as I assured her (at this point I was a lot calmer and making far more sense) that of course it was okay. All I could think of was "I'm really not THAT much in a hurry, nor would I want to give the impression that I'm too impatient and acting impulsively, just because I'm a bit excited and having a slightly more manic day than usually".

So we said goodbye and she said she'll get back to me after having talked to the team about my request, and then we hung up and that was it. So all in all I think it did go pretty smoothly, all things considered. She seemed kind, understanding and like she really did listen to me which was a great relief in keeping my nervousness manageable. As far as it goes with my phone-phobia these days, it is as bad as that I'm glad and call it a "success" as long as I'm able to speak at all. Sometimes I can't. When the nervousness leaps over into a panic attack and my breathing is far too intense for me to be able to talk. I can't possibly form words or even most of any sounds at all while hyperventilating very, very fast.

But most of the time it doesn't get quite that bad, but I'd say it still happens to somewhere around 30% of the time, which to me still is way too often. I can't possible say that my phobia is manageable, or that I can work with it, not when it gets so extreme that I'm literally unable to talk 30% of the time when I call someone. At best I can say that I'm lucky enough to make it manageable sometimes. Or well, "lucky" in the sense that I do have some techniques for calming myself down in that situation, however it doesn't work all that well most of the time and some of the time it doesn't work at all. I'll keep working on it though.

So, that's finally done and now I just need to wait a week or so to hear what's the verdict on what I'm currently allowed to do or not. Then take things from there. I didn't mention my problems with the periods this time, however I will certainly bring it up at a more appropriate time, and yes as soon as possible of course, but it didn't strike me as important or necessary for this particular conversation. I think I didn't need to say it now, but that it can safely wait until next time or whenever I feel "now would be good to bring it up" which I cannot say for sure at this point when exactly that will be, but yeah, better sooner than later.

Then I should also call my mother and inform her about this so she knows what's going on and such. However I don't feel like rushing into that right now. But I won't wait too long either. Maybe I should write down a reminder somewhere about that they'll call me back on Wednesday next week or some day soon after so I won't forget it and ignore the call? They called from a secret number today, so I could expect that to be the case when they call me back again next time as well. Then I should just chill about it, I think. But try not to forget about it completely.

As far as I know what's up with me having my periods back... I'm basically clueless and so is everyone else. No one can tell why this is happening to me and it is a mystery. However no one seems to think it's in any way dangerous or something serious, so I don't think I need to panic about it. It still makes me shake my head about it though. As my hormone levels are fine and the gynecologist said everything looked fine inside me too. It baffled my endocrinologist and my gynecologist couldn't figure it out.

So as far as I understand it now, she did prescribe me a kinda sketchy drug that she said could maybe work but it wasn't certain. Which I said yes to at the time but then my gut told me later the same day that "hell to the no that I'm taking that shit" because I had a very strong feeling that it could very likely fuck me up both mentally and physically by messing with my hormones considerably and it was simply not worth that risk.

Sure I don't like getting periods at all, they cause me psychological stress, worsen my dysphoria, and make me automatically disconnect from my body as in some kind of fairly mild-ish dissociation as a way to just cope with it. I even worry about it between the periods as well, as I deflect from it happening again. But it acts very much like a regular female period. Comes back for about 8-9 days usually at the end of each month, medium heavy flow, sometimes also comes with cramps too, but quite rarely. It's just that I'm on testosterone since 3,5 years ago and it simply shouldn't happen at all. And no one knows why.

So, my plan now on how to deal with that shit, if the doctors agree it's a good/reasonable plan too, is to tell the trans team about this issue and ask if it could be possible for me to get a hysterectomy done relatively soon. I know I want to get rid of everything related to my reproductive system in there which should stop the bleedings, just that I have to keep the vagina itself until the time of metoidioplasty cause of needing the material of it for that for the urethral lengthening procedure. Then I can finally close that up too.

I don't mind waiting 5-6 months or even longer (for just the hysterectomy then, as it can and should be done first anyway), however more than a year might become significantly more difficult for me to handle. I would tell them that I want the hysterectomy soon for this reason, but that the real reason for me wanting a hysterectomy at all has nothing to do with this. That I want a hysterectomy regardless of my issue with the periods, however hurrying it up would be good if that's reasonable to do because of this issue. And it's the only reasonable solution I have to make the periods stop.

I'll see what I can do in terms of working with the team, hearing what they might think of this request and what we could agree on. If they'll say no to it for whatever reasons, I think I'll have to go back to the gynecologist or whoever and try to see if there's any safer drug or something I could try. I really don't know. I can just say I'll explore other options, cause I don't want to let this drive me to a point where I just can't take it anymore.

Working with the medical health care system is indeed a bit of a pain when I just so damn profoundly want to literally rip my reproductive organs out of my body by hand. Urgh. That is a very satisfying mental image, I have to admit, however I would never actually attempt at trying to do anything as barbaric and utterly stupid and also probably impossible thing to my own body no matter how much worse it gets for me on a psychological level.

I can however imagine I could possibly get to the point where I would be begging and pleading for having that hysterectomy done while crying my eyes out cause I'm so very desperate at that point, in at least 6 or 8 months from now if still nothing has been done about it. But I'll try my very best to avoid things from going quite that far, and I know I need to stay focused, act mature, wise and listen to the doctors just as much as I need to listen to myself, or it will most likely just backfire on me.

At this time I'm still managing and I feel pretty damn far from reaching such a breaking point, however I will stress the possibility of that happening if I can't find a reasonable solution to end this crap for good, if I deem it necessary. I don't want to sound like I'm threatening the doctors by coming across as saying "if you don't give me my hysterectomy I will mentally break down and that's going to be your fault" however it wouldn't be entirely untrue if it comes to that.

Just saying that good communication is probably going to be important, and I should act with my thoughts, logic, reason and not with my feelings. But still conveying my feelings, of course. Just don't let them rule me and take over.

So, just talked to my mother over the phone about this and also ended up babbling on quite a lot about my thoughts, feelings and plans around bottom surgery and I felt we had a nice and open conversation about it without any discomfort. So that felt good. She really does seem very accepting about this and it's a great relief for me. Also I told her about me having been kicked out of school, but that was pretty much all that we talked about. And yeah we discussed that I never really feel bored cause of my hectic head and her actually being really bored all of today since finishing a puzzle. And other stuff that are irrelevant to much of anything to anyone else but us.

Finally got around to book a laundry appointment and was lucky enough to be able to book one for already later today, at 19 pm. And damn how nice it feels to walk around with my plug in. I'm discovering new amazing sensations with this all the time, and I don't ever want for that to stop. Maybe it can be a bit of a driving force to get me to start taking daily walks outside or something? It's a tempting thought. If I can just get over my worry of it slipping out. It's ridiculous though, cause it's requires quite a firm grip and some force just to be able to get it out, so worrying about it slipping out on its own is probably highly unlikely no matter what kind of activity I'm up to. Also the bigger the plug the more firmly it wants to stay in there, and well yeah I've gotten into the "big" category already although hardly the biggest.

I've come to another realisation, regarding my high sex drive these days: I don't want for it to go away or lessen. I want to keep it like this, and I think a good reason for that is that I do believe I can, not just learn to manage it better and in safer ways, but also really damn enjoy it. So what if I masturbate quite a lot? I was already addicted to begin with anyway and it's far more enjoyable now than ever before. I will still be very careful when going about having sex with other people. I really don't think I'll just blindly and impulsively throw myself into first best gay community and scavenge first best corner for first best guy and go all crazy about it.

Sure it has kinda happened in the past, but that doesn't mean I plan to do so now. Or any time soon or even ever again. Sure I'm all for casual sex with new people, but I'm also all for being careful and going about it as safely as I can. And I won't do anything such for at least 4-5 months from now. And also I have surgeries to consider. I'm not ready now and I won't be soon either, and I listen to myself when I say that. I only want to go for it when I am ready, and certainly not rush into it. I want it to at least have the potential to be a nice experience without having to worry about getting STD's or getting abused.

I'm keeping my crazy fantasies under better control already, however I give myself these few days until Wednesday as a testing time to see how that goes. Then talk to my therapist about it if it turns out I fail my test. But I do feel it will only get easier from here on. And well yeah, I'm pretty sure that me actually tasting my own shit yesterday really did act as a slap in my face to bring me back right into reality again. Yeah I did attempt to taste it when I wrote about it in that blog entry before, but I didn't manage to actually notice any taste. So I did a second attempt yesterday just to get it out of my mind and I can't even begin to describe how utterly horrible that whole experience was. I'm surprised that I actually didn't puke my guts out.

It made me realise that "What the flying fuck am I up to? This needs to stop. Now" and it has done nothing but continue to sink in further. That goes for all the messed up fantasies in my head. Sure they can stay there, but I will push them back if they're even remotely starting to take over me like that again. I have no intention on acting out on anything unless it's safe, consensual and something that I really want to try, also when it's not an obsessive thought.

I know I have been over-reacting, dramatic and getting very deep into my thoughts and feelings lately, but that only makes me work even harder on establishing enough control over myself to stay functional and free from harm and harming others. So, as the intensity increases, so does my strategies and willpower and strength to keep things under control. And make the best of the situation.

Despite being under quite a lot of pressure now, and tackling a lot of issues at once, I know I keep bouncing back on track, feeling stronger and more confident each time. This is exactly how I want to face and deal with my problems in life, and although I know I'm sometimes close to being overpowered by the intensity, so far I've always managed to avoid it. I pull myself back, away from the danger, and I know that all I really need to do from now for it to work better, is to act on it much sooner before it gets to that point. That doesn't sound unreasonably hard at all. I know when it's time to take such actions, I just needed to remind myself of the importance of doing so at that point and not wait.

I thank you for giving me advice on my situation, it helped me a lot to sort out some of the chaos and understand it better. And yeah, taking medication and going over it with a doctor might still be necessary at some point, but right now I really do feel I can handle this. Yeah, your last sentence is sinking in now. I will be and already am, a whole lot more careful.

I've also made the discovery that despite having wanted to try to switch from comfortably being bottom and submissive to the reversed roles, that never worked for me and I don't like it. So I intend to stop trying it, at least for as long as it's not something I want or feel comfortable with. So I'm exclusively a bottom and submissive, and really always have been. I kept trying to change it for all the wrong reasons, but now I'm not and I'm embracing it instead. It feels like a great relief and a good decision. Yet another form of self acceptance and care.

There really are very few aspects of my life where it just has to be kept in such a neat one-path-structure for it to work for me, and I'm sure that's why I tried so hard to widen my likes in that specific aspects as I did. But I realised it was damaging for me, like trying to force myself to enjoy a hobby or type of food, or anything, that I knew I wasn't into. I know that self acceptance and care do sometimes mean stop trying to change something, instead of implementing a change. Sometimes what really the thing I need to do the most, is to stop stirring in that pot and embrace it as it is.

Also, feelings like discomfort, insecurity, doing something I don't want and going against myself, are most definitely things I want to keep out of my sex life. And those are also definitely not things I should frequently and consciously bring into it on purpose. That's just a recipe for disaster.

However I'm aware of that it might look a bit like my favourite combination of being submissive, and a bottom, as well as really liking receiving anal, might look a lot like a certain kind of stereotype. Especially in the gay male community that I've been increasingly more interested in exploring a bit more. And that it might therefore seem like it was an active choice or like it was a planned combination. However I'm very certain that it isn't and never was. It really just turned out that way.

I prefer them all separately and together, but I didn't come to like all of them at once. Nor did I ever try to make myself like any of those because they looked good together. I found out what I preferred by trying various things out while being open-minded with quite a lot of people, or by just randomly getting a strong wish and urge to try it out not knowing for sure if I would be into it but it turned out I was. And I sure as hell didn't even see how well I happened to fit into that particular stereotype until a few weeks ago. That surely did make me chuckle a bit though.

Sure it's a good thing to want to be outside of or beyond stereotypes, but when a certain stereotype just happens to correspond and resonate remarkably well with you, I really don't think there's anything wrong to stick with that. I think trying to force-like something unconventional is just as bad as trying to force-like what is conventional. Although most people end up in the latter situation, it can be just as damaging ending up in the opposite.

But we praise the unconventional, of not fitting in, of thinking outside of the box. Mind you, I will never stop thinking outside of the box or praising the unconventional, but I will also never again try to force it upon myself when it chafes and causes discomfort and just really rubs me the wrong way. Then I can stay within that box, while gazing out of it from time to time. If not else, just to check and make sure that I'm still comfortable and happy in there. This isn't so much about limiting myself, as it is about respecting my already existing limits. Those limits that have been harmed and spat on and pushed to the ground by me, for being unwanted. I really needed to pick up those limits and start being kind to them instead. Give them what they need too. They're there for a reason.

Yeah it's been a very good day here so far, even though my physical condition has started to weaken slightly, due to me not having eaten for somewhere around 81 hours now. That's 3 days and 9 hours. It's definitely not a permanent solution to my now rather severe appetite issue though, no it's very temporary and I just so desperately needed a break from all the constant self-force-feeding. I reached my breaking point for not being able to mentally handle it anymore.

In many ways, not eating for now has given me a bit more space to breathe, to not have that constant pressure of trying to force myself to eat something. And I do function remarkably well all things considered. My only symptoms are feeling a little bit weaker and getting slightly worse headache from time to time. Mostly I just consume coffee, with the usual amounts of sugar and oat milk, sometimes I might have a glass of actual milk or fruit juice, but that's it. I still do sometimes feel physical hunger, but it really isn't much of it and it doesn't even bother me. I still, after 81 hours without food, have absolutely no appetite.

I rarely ever think about food or eating, but when I do, it certainly does not involve wanting or craving it in any way. If anything it involves disgust and repulsion. Mostly it only crosses my mind when I see something online that reminds me of the existence of food in this world. And it's been like this for, well almost exactly 7 weeks now. One more week and I'm up at 2 months. I do count from January 1st but I don't remember the exact date as my appetite did go down slowly for a longer time. But yeah it did reach the point of being completely dead sometime during the first week of January and has shown no signs of life ever since.

I do definitely prioritise my disastrous eating habits due to my complete lack of appetite way higher than my sex drive being unconventionally high. As I think this is far more urgent, especially since I stopped eating entirely (can't really get more alarming than that, huh?) and not even the starvation itself can bring back my appetite, it seems. That, I see as far more dangerous cause if it continues untreated and I still can't make myself eat, it could lead to my death within weeks. And that's certainly not how I've been planning this upcoming spring.

However, I don't think I'm putting myself in an immediate risk going without food just until Wednesday, even though it will have become 5 days by then. I try my best to stay hydrated, which obviously isn't going all that well either since I'm almost only drinking coffee and yes, my lack of appetite affects my ability to drink as well, although not quite as much cause fluids still go down both easier and quicker than food, making the experience more tolerable but still just as difficult. But no, eating soup doesn't work for me either, the taste is far too sickening to get it down at all. My stomach wants to escape out of my ass at just the thought of soup. Doesn't matter what flavour or consistency it has. Sweets are just as revolting as food too.

Right now, this is a hopeless situation with no solution for me. I've not given up but I have most certainly run all out of options on what else I possibly can do about it. To stop eating entirely was a last resort and the only thing I could do. It wasn't an active choice or even something I wanted, it became that way because I found myself having no other options left. No way of forcing food into myself anymore. But I realise that this isn't a solution at all, it's the complete lack of a solution and rather damn disastrous.

But I really don't think I will cause any harm bad enough to worry about in a 5 days long fast of some kind. I'm physically healthy otherwise and I'm not at a dangerously low weight. No, I'm still somewhere within the 58-60 kg range as far as I'm aware, unbelievable or not. My stomach is flatter (likely due to being empty though) but somehow my thighs have gotten bigger. Whatever the fuck is fattening them up though, I have no idea about.

I only check that kind of stuff cause I want to avoid the scale and I need to have some way of trying to make sure I don't start dropping in weight, and not because I want to lose weight, cause I don't. What I want is to eat better and build muscles. However I might suck it up and check my weight before that appointment on Wednesday so that I can say for sure if I've lost any weight at all as I realise that could be important even though I still look the same and fit comfortably into the same clothes as I always have for at least several months now (since summer?).

By now, I can honestly say that I have no symptoms left of my eating disorder. I only avoid the scale out of fear of it triggering a relapse, however I can only speculate about how that will continue to be like in the future. I willingly opted out of recovery for that for now (but do still consider that to be an option in the future in case of a relapse) because I have no issues with it what so ever now so there's literally nothing to recover from.

I don't want to lose weight, I don't think I need to lose more weight, I don't think of myself as fat (however arguably skinny-fat, meaning I see myself as rather thin but with a fairly high body fat percentage), my entire ideal body has drastically changed into a more healthy and athletic type (if you want an idea of what that looks like then both Christiandeviant on tumblr and half-famous youtuber Aydian Dowling are in that category), and I have completely different goals with my body in that regard now and it's been consistent.

My only issues with my body now are connected to my gender dysphoria and wanting to look more masculine and feeling better about how I look. I'm always going to be transgender though, however damn annoying that is, I've accepted that and simply try to improve that annoying situation as well as I can. I'm absolutely certain that this lack of appetite is something else entirely unrelated to the eating disorder issues that I had before.

Yeah I probably still hate being trans and carry a lot of cis envy, still can't even understand why anyone can be proud to be trans, (however I don't regard it as a bad thing at all, I mean each to their own and good on anyone who can find a lot healthier ways to live than I can; it's just that I can't understand why, cause to me... and I hope you don't take it the wrong way, it's a defect) but I do plan on working on finding ways to be comfortable with the way I look regardless of if I'm trans or not.

I want to reach the point where I can comfortably shrug about the fact that I'm trans, that it's a non-issue or at least a very mild issue that doesn't tear me apart. But I know that I can't possibly get to that point for as long as all I see in the mirror is someone who doesn't look either male or female or a mix of both. Nothing against people who are intersex, or people who don't want to fully transition, I'm only saying that for me and my own body, it's a freaking disaster that I cannot possibly ever love. I don't want to be stuck in between, it's not manageable.

Had I not been very binary male then maybe accepting my current looks would have been easier but I'm not sure. If I had identified as non-binary in some way or what not. But I don't, I know now for certain that I'm only male and that's it. That came with both a relief of finally feeling very certain about my gender, and a more intense need to fix shit about my body that's been bothering me for an incredibly long time.

Over all though, I'm looking for an improvement, not perfection. I don't think there's any way I could one day pass as a hot cis male to 100% in any given situation (no matter how bloody much that's what I've always wanted) and trying to aim for that would only end me in a disaster. However there's a pretty far stretch from how I look now to 100% cis passing in any given situation. Aiming for something closer to 80-90% for my own peace of mind's sake is not unreasonable or wrong to me as long as it doesn't become (more) obsessive and also damaging. I know it's at least worth a bloody try to get to somewhere around there.

And yeah, I'm talking passing naked, if that wasn't clear. And also, passing before my own eyes is more important than before anyone else's. I don't seek approval from other people, although I do not underestimate that me more or less being able to pass off as kinda cis if you squint a little in dim light and have no knowledge about trans men's bodies, sure that could be helpful in the dating world, but I'm hardly basing my future body goals on how nice it would be to be popular with the hot guys. That would only be a bonus if anything.

One more thing about my relationship to the way I look these days, is that I feel very happy about my face/head as of lately. Really all of it, including my messy damaged hair. It feels like maybe I just found the "right" combination of hairstyle, facial hair, colour on that and general looks that just happened to unexpectedly resonate with me really a lot. Also having less acne now and my summer tan being gone, and my eyebrows having grown out fully, might be helping a lot too.

Side note: I know for sure that one of the many reasons I really want to get rid of the vag is how much I long for being able to have dry orgasms. I really hate that annoying, gross and now very unnecessary wetness and it's a hassle trying to keep it away from me and from ruining my clothes (that shit actually bleaches my underwear). Also it's extremely excessive on top of that, for various reasons. However it would of course be nice if I'm still able to squirt so that I could actually ejaculate post op. I know I have done that in the past, although it was a long time ago now and it only happened once. That would be a nice bonus surprise though, as I see it.

So well back to my appetite issue and it not being a symptom of my eating disorder, I wouldn't see this as any kind of relapse in any way. I mean I've been working my ass off for weeks after weeks after weeks just to try to remain at roughly the same weight as I see it as a good starting point for working out, and get enough nutrients into me but it's gotten to the point where I am no longer able to.

What I want is an increased appetite so that I can start eating better and keep eating even better so that working out and building muscles will be possible, healthy and safe and for it to give me the best results that it can. I can't possibly start that kind of activity when I'm like this as I'm going to need calories, vitamins, minerals, carbs, fibers, protein and fluids just to have a fighting chance; and it's a damn fucking bother, to say the least. I just freaking want to be able to start working towards my goal and this shit downright sucks.

Yeah I'm a bit passive aggressive about it and I'm not directing it at you or anyone else, it's just me venting my frustration out into nowhere in particular. And I'll probably have to explain all this to my doctors as well, but try to go a little bit easy on the passive aggression perhaps. However expressing my frustration a bit might come in handy, and be certain to convey that it's got nothing to do with wanting to lose weight or not not wanting to eat. I want to, but I can't. Yeah okay, venting over for now.

A space to breathe

The instant comfort, soothing, relief, like a soft and gentle breeze caressing me. Everywhere, not just inside. As if it's coursing through my veins. Calm. Such amazing relief. My tears nearly running over. Like falling to my death, but landing on the softest bed instead. I've found my ultimate way of comforting myself. I found a paradise.

I didn't even know... such amazing things existed here. On Earth. And so close, so easily accessible. So readily available. Right within me. I never thought my own body could take me to such a place. Like standing by a cliff, stretching out my arms, and letting go knowing I will fly. And I sure as hell fly. I think that's the best way I can describe it. It calms my storm. I don't know how, but it does. I'm never ever letting go of this, no matter what. I have no reason to.

There's no harm in it, as long as I'm careful, which I have been all along. So scared to ruin it if I rush too fast. Just want for it to remain amazing. It's safe, not in itself addictive, but I'm sure it releases all kinds of hormones. Endorphins for sure, maybe also adrenaline, maybe even also melatonin, I'm not so good at knowledge about most human hormones, but definitely endorphins, that much I know. It's far from just sexual, it's so much more.

Now I'm not kicking myself for not having tried it out earlier, cause I'm pretty damn sure I wouldn't have been ready for these kinds of feelings earlier. And cause I need them now more than ever. This incredible intensity, like floating on clouds. No I don't feel high. It's not like that. It just... evens me out, softens the sharp edges, brings sparks to the darkness, warms the cold and cools the heat. It feels as if I'm finally able to relax again, for the first time in 12 years, or at least like I can dare to believe that might happen some day. What is this magic?

I know I'm hyper sensitive to touch, that my nerves can either heighten pain to the extreme, or heighten pleasure to the extreme. But I know I've always been far more responsive to physical pleasure than to pain, just as I'm more responsive to coldness than to heat. As well as me being able to very easily connect my mind to pleasure that I feel, when I want it. It's like I just tune in and align, find the perfect balance. I don't think there's a limit to how much further I can explore that. There's so much potential.

Just as a side note. I think I've figured out as to why me and R somehow managed to have a very amazing sex life, despite how very dysfunctional our whole relationship was. He had that same kind of hyper sensitivity to touch as I have, and as we explored each other, it did often bring us both to unimaginable pleasure. In that sense, but only in that sense and only in those moments with him, I felt like I was exactly where I wanted to be.

I still reflect on it, but I don't wish it back. I don't wish him back either. It's just a nice memory that I like to bring back and smile about. I really do think there's a lot of truth in a Swedish saying that I often use that goes something like this: "There's nothing bad that doesn't also bring something good" and it can also be said reversed. I use it both ways, depending on the situation. Also it was when I was with him that I first noticed that I was extra sensitive in that way too. I didn't know before, cause well I hadn't explored much yet back then.

I know I'm still damaged, traumatised, and maybe also foolish, but this... this brings me hope. I know it's hardly a cure and I don't regard it as such either. It's a tool, a method, some help, self care, something I can do for myself to give me so much more release than any self harm ever could... and it's completely harmless. Just to float in this softness, embraced by a velvet that brings no scars.

And I achieve all of that just by wearing a butt plug. No I can't understand it. Does it really matter if I can? But yeah, my theory is that it has something to do with that hyper sensitivity to touch, and that just these particular nerves happen to respond very positively to that, as well as my mind being all in on it as well. It kinda feels a bit like I'm bringing my mind and body closer together. Those that I always otherwise do my best to pull apart from each other, cause often they're harmful to each other, as their needs contradict each other. But now, for just once, they want exactly the same thing, so they merge, peacefully.

Maybe it's a kind of togetherness that most people have and just take for granted. I wouldn't know. I've always been this way. I'm quite sure most of it has to do with my Asperger, some also my dysphoria, that I psychologically and emotionally want and need another circadian rhythm, other eating habits, another lifestyle completely - to what my body wants and needs. It clashes terribly at all times, and all I can ever do is to find a middle ground that never truly holds. Never being able to give in fully to what my body or what my mind needs. It's an agitated, tense, barely half decent compromise. But it's all I can do.

Sometimes I really wonder how this brain of mine could end up in this body of mine. They're so different, they can't cooperate, can't even listen to each other. They have a constant war. So when I find myself here, seemingly having found what could just be the key to bring them together peacefully... it gives me space to breathe. It may always remain as a temporary relief, but damn it's better than nothing.

I noticed how it got more intense, more amazing and brought me closer to this tranquility, for each time I went up a size. So this didn't start hitting me until sometime last night as I went from the medium one to the large. But I didn't get quite all the way to this state until now. As I had a rather extreme worry that I couldn't let go of, it felt like it was hollowing me out. Unrelated to any of what we talked about. But it hit me very suddenly, and almost brought on an anxiety attack. This was what I thought of, and well, as I like to refer to it as, rather wittingly, is that I "plug in" and this calm and relief just instantly washed over me and filled me up from within.

I know this will help me greatly, keep me steady every once in a while, and give me my much needed space to breathe, but maybe I shouldn't get too lost in it. Might be difficult to find my way out again. I know treasures shouldn't be over-used, or they might lose they're magic. I'll be keeping that in mind.

Endless hunger

This has gone far beyond the point of being weird. It's leaped right into insanity. What of it? All of my sexuality. I've somehow become extremely hyper-sexual and I realise this isn't really PGAD. It's something else. Is it the testosterone? Is it my sudden self acceptance? Or because I've gone off almost all of my meds?

I really can't wrap my head around this. Yeah I'm aroused around 80% of the time, I think about sex, write about it and masturbate at least 60% of my waken time, possibly even more. I wake up from wet dreams almost every night. I do weird things. Sure trying out anal isn't exactly weird, but I do think maybe tasting my own piss and shit for sexual reasons might tap into the weird category.

I know this is TMI, but I try to exclude as much details as possible and only sticking to what's relevant to my sudden question of what the fuck is wrong with me?! Me and my god damn extremes, I mean seriously? Someone needs to kick my extremes in the ass. I'm tired of this shit. I can't keep up with myself. It exhausts me to constantly try to make sense of whatever is new, unknown, dark and fucked up to a considerable degree.

Not only my actions are weird and slightly disturbing at least to me, but my fantasies are running way wilder than ever before. I even write down some of the extremely fucked up and illegal ones, some I never even told you about, just hoping to Satan that no one will ever find that shit on my computer at some point in the future. I know I really have to keep myself on a very short leash to stop myself from trying to act out on that shit too. At least what I think I could quite easily get away with.

It's so fucking intense I'm crawling out of my skin. Cause all those fantasies that I've suppressed for as long as I can remember, suddenly given free space in my mind, are eating me alive.

If I would describe my sex drive on a scale from 0 to 100, if 0 is completely asexual with no sex drive at all and 100 is the complete opposite... Then before testosterone I was somewhere around 10 or at most 20, meaning very low and seldom occurring, mostly only when I was drunk. Then on testosterone it rose to about 40-50. Then about 4 months ago it rose again but this time all the way up to 80-90. And I'm still all the way up there. Still comparing to how it was before testo. Going from 10 to 90 on that scale is really extreme. I don't know what to do.

I know, I've always considered my increased sex drive from testo a side effect, something unwanted and difficult for me to just accept, just like I regard the acne as a side effect of that too. But I always knew that no matter what, taking testo was always going to be worth it. It still is. And I really don't think I can blame this current insanity on testo alone. But what can I even blame it on? Nothing makes sense.

Shit I've got such a bad headache right now. I don't know why. Haven't eaten much today, my appetite is still non-existent. For the past 6 weeks and counting. I've thought that it's possible that it's my crazy sex drive that's killing my appetite. You know I can't eat while I'm aroused. Maybe I should look into that. But if that's the case, I have no idea how I would solve it. Talk to my therapist about it, or a doctor, or both. Don't care about them thinking I'm just too damn TMI, that's their fucking problem. It's relevant, it's a worry, it's bothering me, which are all valid enough reasons to bring it up no matter how uncomfortable they may or may not be.

Whatever. I don't even feel physically hungry now, but that's probably just because of all the coffee. It's probably up at at least 8 cups for today so far, although it's 5:14 Saturday morning but I count from 11:30 am when I got up on Friday, extremely pissed off about the fact that I didn't even hear my alarms so I missed the trans team's calling hours. I still kick myself over it.

I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I want to sleep dreamless sleep for three weeks straight. Oh, also they kicked me out of school today, so maybe I'm a bit bitter about that too. They didn't even warn me first. Well I'm not surprised, I haven't been there for the past two weeks now. I lost all my motivation to study, got too caught up in my chaos, can't focus on anything else, can't fucking concentrate. It's just starting to get out of control, and that's all I really know.

For some damn reason I started thinking about that time I made out with a homeless man. Damn he was amazing. On my way to dMz in Uppsala one day, back in early 2011. Suddenly he was just there, on the street in the middle of the night. No one else was around. Old, unkempt, dirty clothes in neutral colours, awkwardly layered, a faint smell of old sweat and dirt in the breeze. His glistening eyes, tan skin, medium long dark brown hair with some grey streaks, bearded face. I'd guess he was somewhere in his 50's, possibly of middle eastern background, maybe 5-10 cm taller than me, quite thin.

He told me I was beautiful, with an unfamiliar fairly thick accent, harsh on the consonants. He asked me if I was a boy or a girl but then said it didn't matter, that I was just beautiful. He held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes while he kept telling me how beautiful I was. Somehow I just lost track of time and space completely, I held him too, pulled him closer, this perfect stranger I had never even once seen before. I was sober. Gazed into his eyes.

He asked me if he could kiss me, I gasped yes and it was me who went for it. So soft and warm, his tongue in my mouth. I don't know for how long we kept at it. I wanted more but worried about it maybe not being safe being more intimate with that man and I was on my way to a party. I never could forget about that moment, it felt magical somehow. So very unexpected and completely amazing. Again and again I keep kicking myself for not having skipped that damn party and brought him back home with me instead. I don't give a damn, I should have been with him.

But maybe it does say a bit about how careless and wild I can be. I do not fear or avoid the people that most other people seem to, no I'm drawn to them the most. The difficult ones, the not often wanted ones, the unusual ones, the outcasts. Cause I feel like I'm one of them somehow in ways I can't explain. That certain "otherness" that often differs so much from person to person. But yeah, I really do think there was indeed something extra special about that perfect stranger that I almost gave myself to just seconds after meeting him. That's a bit unusual even for me.

I wonder what exactly happened in that moment, what made us both disappear so fully into each other, never having seen each other before. I never even knew his name. Obviously being two very different people of very different walks in life. I don't think he had followed me, although I honestly don't care if he had. He didn't come across as creepy, scary or violent in any way. Just sweet, passionate and maybe a bit lonely. No, I didn't give in to the kiss cause of pity or wanting to be kind, it was way more intense than that. It was like my entire essence wanted nothing more than to feel his lips on mine. Yeah, I should have gone further, I definitely wanted it. He didn't seem to have minded me being trans at all. Why didn't I?

Unpopular opinions

The same gambling/lottery company called me again today, wanting for me to participate. That's the second time they call me this year. They usually call me once a month or so. I'm so sick of their bullshit. Usually I just hang up on them, but this time I told them "I'm not interested in Postkodlotteriet (their company), stop calling me." before hanging up on them. I never got anywhere trying to reason with them, they just keep trying to coerce me no matter what I say.

That's why I just hang up on them these days. They're not listening. No I never give in or act like I'm unsure. I'm very firm with showing my complete lack of interest. I'm always calm and don't raise my voice or let it fade. I don't show any emotion except from being annoyed, but not angry. I try to be clear, but they just don't get it. I keep wanting to completely lash out on them, being mean and aggressive and threatening, just to release the pressure that they've built up within me. I wouldn't feel bad about it, but somehow I'm worried about it having consequences. But are they not harassing me?

Is it even illegal to threaten them and call them every single nasty derogatory word I can possibly think of? Somehow I'm unsure about that. If I don't go as far as to death threats. Not that I could go through with anything such anyway. Can't blame me for being pissed off by their persistence and refusal to stop calling me. I have no obligation to give into their scams.

They're being dishonest and trying to lure me into a trap, they want me to think that by giving them my money it will lead to me winning lots of money. I'm really not that stupid, or gullible. Of course I know I could maybe win money, but it's far more likely I'd just lose the little money that I do have. They're the ones who are immoral and cruel. They're the rich, nation famous company trying to squeeze more money out a kinda poor, lower middle class citizen, for their own fortune and winning. Surely me harassing them back is just what they deserve?

If, or rather when, they call me again, I won't be so kind and calm. I'll unleash my darkness onto their own morally corrupt asses. Let's see who's actually the darker one. I hope I'll scare them back to the rock they came from. Or at least scare the one person calling me. Maybe he or she could at least get a bad day and start questioning their choice of career. Am I being cruel for wanting to hurt a person on a personal level because of their job, or am I actually somewhere having rather good intentions because by doing so I might be able to even "save" that person from their poor life decisions if they realise their mistake? Doesn't matter much to me though.

I never said I gave up darkness too. I switch between light and darkness, choose both. I don't care about redemption or being a good person, however I don't strive for being a bad person either. I give into some of my darkness when it suits me, but I'll also carry light with me. Will it then, by doing cruel things to other people who may or may not deserve it, make me a bad person still, even though I'll also keep doing kind and caring things to an equal or even greater amount? I know most people seem to believe that darkness weighs heavier than light, that in order to keep balance it still somehow has to be more light than darkness and one has to want light more. But I'm not like that. For me, balance means it should be equal, and that it's perfectly okay to want both just as much.

Most people don't truly want that kind of balance, it seems. What they want is to be accepted for their unwanted darkness and praised for their wanted light. They think that they're balanced simply because they carry both light and darkness. But how can it be actual balance if you don't regard and treat them equally? In my world it can't. In the future, I want to hold my darkness in one hand and my light in the other, holding them both at the same level, holding onto them just as firmly, and use them both equally. Merged and separated, both just as wanted and important. That's the kind of balance I want. That's why I chose to not follow either the path towards light or darkness anymore.

I'm making myself a checkered, or grey path, kind of. Right now it's mostly checkered, but there's some grey in between. One step on a black square, one step on a white square, sometimes I step on the grey. I know it's not morally or ethically right, or politically correct, it's probably not even something spiritualism would approve of, but I don't care about approval from anyone else than myself. I know not even Satanism would approve of it. Doesn't matter to me. I see Satanism as a guide and comfort, not as my ruler or a concept I need to follow down to every last detail.

Is it just because I willingly chose my religion, that it somehow means I need to approve of literally everything about it? Does that hold me to a higher standard? Look at people of other religions, doesn't matter which one. Are they all just buying everything about their religions? No, they're not. If for example a Christian who firmly believes in and loves his god, and thinks his religion is right for him, but he doesn't think that everything it stands for should be blindly followed or not questioned, does that make him a hypocrite or does it make it wrong to call him a Christian? Or does it simply make him a fairly sane and reasonable person who doesn't just blindly follow the other sheep? Then would it make a difference if he was born a Christian or if he converted into it as an adult, no matter what his position was before? Does it make a difference if it was Islam that was his religion instead? Or Buddhism, or Satanism? Do we hold people to different standards depending on the religion, or how they got into our beliefs?

There are a wide variety of ways a person can relate to their own religion and it's not just an "all or nothing" -kind of thing. Some are very much extremists, highly devoted and do take it all no matter what. But there's nothing saying that I need to be an extremist in order to call myself a Theistic Satanist. All I need is to believe in Satan, accept and choose him as my one and only god, make a pact with him, and choose to have Satanism as my one and only religion. That's it. That's all. And I meet all those criteria. I have every right to question and disagree with some aspects of it. It doesn't make me "unworthy" of my religion in any way. And I don't think you'd want for me to just completely accept and agree with absolutely everything there is about Satanism either. Cause if you think about it, that would most likely mean I'd lose myself for that belief. I'm sure you don't hold the same high standards for other people who follow other religions. But if you do, well, that's sad.

I'm not trying to change whatever you do believe though. I just thought I'd give you my view on things, so maybe you'd understand how I see it. And maybe also open your eyes a bit, if I can. But it's up to you if you choose to look further or not. I am very much approving of all kinds of religions, I fight for the right to freedom of religion. I often end up in discussions with people where I state my belief that everyone should have the right to believe whatever they do believe, and no one should try to change another person's belief because they think it's wrong or stupid or whatever. And I really hate all the Islamophobia that's very much on the rise in today's society. I know I've definitely made sure that my Muslim friends know that I have absolutely nothing against their beliefs and that I don't they they're doing anything wrong, and that I don't think they're bad people in any way because of their beliefs. I know they're worried, often hesitant to express their beliefs, out of fear. I don't want it to be that way. I want them to be able to feel safe.

Yeah I've been starting to kinda slip into some kind of slight activism as of lately. Me? Into activism? Said I keep surprising myself all the time. However I'm very careful about it and it's still a process. Mostly it's just me being more openly accepting and protective, but it has started to go further than that. Slowly raising my voice to defend other's rights. Slowly slipping into online activism. It's not just about religion, but it certainly is one of my main aims, or topics. I think I still do more for the LGBT community though. And I'm sure that the rise of SJW's is what started my sudden need and wish to involve myself more.

It's not just on tumblr and youtube now. It's not just in America. It's started here in Sweden as well. I worry a lot about what's gonna happen, especially to the trans community. I sense it's splitting in half, and fighting against itself, fighting its own members, and it's getting brutal. I think it can become quite a disaster if something's not being done about it. I know it's the only community I've ever really cared about, even though I'm not so active in it anymore. And I want to somehow help rebuilding it again, but I don't know how. If I should choose side and fight for it, or try to take on the role as a peace-maker instead. It doesn't really matter that I stand up more for one side than the other, I could still fight for peace between the two, or a solution, if that would be the better option.

Yeah, my position is firmly anti-SJW, but that doesn't mean I want to eradicate them or just brutally throw them out of the trans community, at least not if there could be a better option than to try to go about it that way. I don't think violence should be the first thing I go for. I know they have rights too, even though they're freaking insane, stupid, ignorant, hypocrites and violent bullies. Although it's still interesting to me, that despite me leaning mostly left, I somehow stand with the anti-SJW's who are almost all leaning to the right. Conservative and often truscum, some trans, others cis. It's the SJW's who lean left. That does make me feel weird, but I think it also says a lot about how "too much of a good thing" actually has a lot of a point here. Yeah I'm leftish, but not THAT left, or that kind of left.

And also, where my own political stand point is or isn't, is far less important to me than to try to help the trans community, or prevent it from falling apart. Me being left leaning though, is my secondary political opinion, meaning I firstly say no to all leanings. I'm an anarchist and want no government or criminal justice system. I'm an eye-for-an-eye kind of person. I want a society where everyone fights for themselves and lives for themselves, without judging others or trying to decide over anyone else. Letting people be as kind or corrupt as they are. Total freedom and equality. Make everything legal, but make it also legal to take out revenge personally. That's the kind of world I want to live in. Yes, certainly more dangerous and chaotic, but I really don't think it would be a total mess.

I do see that my actions do reflect my beliefs on this. There's a reason I never reported my rapist, for example. Cause I do think his freedom is important, just like mine, and everyone else's, no matter what he did to me. I'm very against the criminal justice system and that there are any laws at all. It doesn't matter if people break those laws on me, it doesn't change my beliefs or actions. I never have reported a crime in my entire life, and I never will. I will never witness for a crime. I will never help bring a criminal to "justice". Because it goes against my beliefs. Yeah I might lose friends and family members over it someday. I'm aware of that.

But just as much as I won't tell a very dangerous and violent anti-Satanism person that I'm really not a Satanist as a way to protect myself because that would go against my beliefs too, or with me being gay and trans facing a dangerous trans-/homophobe. Just as much I can't be responsible for helping convicting a criminal even if that criminal hurt someone I care about and that someone wants me out of my life because of my actions. I stand up for what I believe in, foolishly. But I don't go around and preach about it. Meaning I don't go around and say what I think without having a specific and important reason to, however whenever faced with the option to either lie or state where I stand, it's obvious to me what I need to do. Whether or not it could put me in danger shouldn't matter.

So that left and right bullshit isn't anything I truly stand for. It's a bargain, a convenience-choice, meaning I chose left over right cause it's the least shitty of the two. When I really don't stand for either, nor do I stand in between. Cause there really isn't anything else I can choose when it comes to elections of who gets to rule the state/country. I can't choose anarchism when I vote. However I need to stop saying that I'm really left-winged when that's just something I go with for convenience's sake in certain situations and not something I believe in or live by. Like if lunch every day is soup or pancakes and I don't want either, or to starve, so I just have to pick one. So just because I always go with pancakes doesn't mean I actually want it.

So maybe that's why I so easily make friends and enemies equally on all sides of that spectrum. Cause in the end it's all just bullshit to me. Yeah I have friends who are communists, and I have friends who are fascists, liberals and conservatives. Some are gay or trans, others are cis straight and on our side, some are cis straight and homophobic transphobes. I think there's even a neo-nazi somewhere among my friends, however we don't have much to talk about, but I respect and accept him regardless. I also heavily dislike people in the same categories.

I know I had a pretty strong reaction to your latest post on facebook. I couldn't agree with your choice to exclude people as potential friends based on their political views and personal beliefs. However I chose not to show that reaction. I don't like starting fights and intense discussions, especially on topics I know are very difficult for me to explain my position on and that I'm very likely to just get hate for no matter how I go about it. I'm really not that masochistic.

I understand why you made that choice however. I'm not stupid. I know it's easier for me to blend and mix with people no matter where they stand and what they think of my stand point. It's easier for me cause I haven't really faced many violent people regardless of their opinions. So that's also a reason for why I didn't speak up. But just to clarify that part about me having homo- and transphobic friends: I wouldn't consider them friends if they had any intentions to harm me. Not all people who don't think trans is real and thinks gays are gross would act out violence on people who are gay and/or trans. Most of them are just talk and no action. Those are the ones I can consider potential friends, if we click on other aspects of who we are. I don't agree with them, but I still think they have a right to their own opinions. I even stand up for their opinions.

I do clearly remember I had a classmate in gymnasium (I was 20 at the time, he was 18), whom I did consider my friend at the time, although we did drift apart after I graduated. He didn't often express his opinions, but sometimes he did. He was racist, homophobic and really had a thorn in his side about me being trans. But he never did anything bad to me. We just mutually accepted that we had stuff we didn't agree on, and then continued discussing video games.

One time however, we and our other group of friends in that class (one of my little "cliques" at the time) were at a bus stop waiting for the bus to take us to the centre of the city from our school, and we somehow ended up in an argument with some strangers there. My friend at the time was basically hushed, harassed and pushed down for his shitty opinions, but I opened my mouth and fought for him. I stood up for him. I fought for his right to hate on black people, gay people and trans people.

I don't know many people who would ever do such a thing. In fact I don't think I know anyone else who has, not anyone I know personally at least. That is however my take on everyone's right to freedom of speech. That's why I did that, and I would do it again in similar situations in the future. It has nothing to do with my own views and opinions on racism or those "phobias". It has everything to do with my opinion on freedom. Of course it wasn't an easy thing to do, of course I was scared and worried about the consequences of my actions. But I know it was right, I know it was a huge thing. And it's something I'm very much proud of that I found the courage to do. And I know that the look my friend at the time gave me after that argument was over and the strangers left is what makes it such an important thing to have done. A look of surprise, relief and gratefulness.

He didn't say anything, but I remember his eyes fixed on me and and a very slight nod of appreciation. I think he did understand what it meant, what had just happened, but that he didn't quite understand why I had done so. I don't think I did either at the time. I just knew it was exactly what I wanted and needed to do.

I feel I have to explain why exactly I'm so very against SJW's. It's not because of their beliefs and opinions. I don't care that they think they're non-binary even though I think it's bullshit, I don't care that they think they're oppressed even though they're clearly not, I don't care about that they think other people's sexual preferences are discriminatory, or that they think all women are always oppressed and hated by all men.

What makes me so against them, is only their actions. That they somehow got new laws on their side, entire education systems as well, they've impacted freedom of speech negatively, they've started to make cis people believe that that's how all transgender people are and have already made it more difficult for a lot of trans people to get medical help to transition, they're violent and abusive towards those that don't agree with them simply because they don't agree, they shove down their own beliefs down other people's throats because they think they're right. That's what makes me flip the fuck out.

I have no idea how far they will go. I don't want to see how they'll continue to affect society negatively while just sitting back and watching. I just have this gut-wrenching feeling within me about this whole damn thing that I just have to put myself out there and do something. However I act carefully and try to become less opinionated and more educated so I won't regret any harsh decisions I may or may not make in the future. I know it's triggered something within me, something that wasn't even there before. A wanting to engage myself in human rights, to take part in society. I have no empathy, but I care more about the human race than ever before. No I definitely can't bloody keep up with myself.

Holding on and letting go

Okay that nose spray seems a bit scary after having read up on it now, so I'll take it with much caution and be sure to check for any strange or upsetting symptoms. Now I'm not sure what exactly my estrogen levels are at the moment, but whatever is the typical male range. However, reading up on that nose spray, it said that what it does is kinda messing with the part of the brain that regulates hormones. (And I'm literally spraying it right into my brain). So that during the first 2-3 weeks of taking it regularly it will trigger my body to produce way more estrogen and progesterone than normally... however after those first weeks, it will instead nearly cease the production of those hormones completely. Jikes.

Sounds like one hell of a roller coaster. However I'm not sure at all what this means while also taking testosterone. Just how much extra female hormones will come rushing through my body, and what will that make me feel like? And killing off the same hormones after that, what if it will reduce them too much? Doesn't all human bodies essentially need at least some of both testosterone and estrogen? Or is it rather like as long as I have testo, I really don't need estro at all? Or does it only effect the hormones produced in my ovaries, and not the adrenal glands which are the organs responsible for the low amounts of estro that biological males have? I must say that I'm a bit confused right now. Just go with it and trust the doctor? Sounds like a plan.

But anyways, it also said that it's essentially only used for two things, this nose spray: treating endometriosis and as preparation for getting inseminated. That does make me feel a bit weird about it taking it for an entirely different reason. Okaaay, let's just do this. Argh, fuck. There's quite a high risk I might get hives (again) from this shit. Otherwise I don't think most side effects would even apply to me. Except from the lovely stuff like depression, mood swings, acne, weight gain, headaches, muscle pains, insomnia, increased libido... and that's just some of the most common ones, meaning more than 10% of people taking this gets that stuff as side effects. This can get interesting...

Urgh, just took that stuff in one nostril as I was supposed to, but it's running down my throat now. Tastes really damn horrible, to say the least. Yeah I followed the instructions precisely, but no I don't know if that's supposed to happen. I'll swallow it down with some coffee soon. Not much else I can do about it. Doubt it will kill me. Most of it actually seems to be running out now, both down my throat and out through my nose. However that might be good cause I was just out for a cigarette (helps me think more clearly) and I started having serious doubts about taking this stuff.

At least I think I should talk to the trans team about this, to make sure I'm not messing shit up by taking this, also in regards to that it might be possible I could get at least just the hysterectomy done relatively soon as that isn't quite an as "extreme" or controversial surgery, and not even exclusively transgender related either. Lots of cis women get it done too, for various reasons. Also it's performed by a gynecologist so I could most likely have that done here on Gotland instead of having to travel to the main land for it. I mean if it could be just a few months or less until I could get that, then I don't think it would be worth the actually pretty considerable risks of taking this nose spray stuff.

However, it sucks that my mother then payed literally 1000 kr for this stuff and I might not even take it. I should have stayed in the pharmacy with her when waiting in line for our turn to get the prescription medication instead of having gone out for a smoke. Then when I would have heard the price I could have possibly chosen to back out of it. Although it's not certain that I would have. Just why is it so difficult for me to think sometimes?! I mean seriously.

Sure I'm certainly not worried about this one dose of it that I just took, and not only cause most of it seemed to have run back out of me again, but because it's literally just one dose. So I'm not worried about that at all cause I have no reason to be. But I should have asked the gynecologist more about what kind of drug this actually is, what exactly it does, the possible consequences of being on testo while taking it and maybe talking to the trans team first before prescribing me a hormone altering drug?! Nah, didn't think about that. Fucking glorious.

Can I possibly blame my complete brain-fag at the time on all that nervousness I felt in that exam room due to going through that ordeal of being examined down there? I really don't know. Glad I came to my senses at some bloody point, at least. Damn.

So I'll try my very best to contact the trans team already tomorrow and hope they'll call me back at latest some time next week, since it's Thursday tomorrow and I think they're gonna be too busy on Friday to call me back quite that soon, but whatever. I really do want to deal with as much of this as possible on my own, without my mother, as I do think it's important for the team there to hear from me directly about as important and deeply personal stuff as bottom surgery, and these damn complicated hormone and period issues that I have, rather than sending my mother to talk to them about that stuff. I also think me being independent enough to actually manage that would be seen as a good thing.

Damn how did my life suddenly get so messy? Periods, being prescribed weird drugs, wanting SRS, Anna being a total nut-case, PGAD, complete loss of appetite, insomnia, loss of empathy, and all those dark thoughts feelings and experiences I've had these past nearly two months now. I'm feeling a little bit stressed out. Seriously. Shit needs to calm the fuck down or I'm gonna need some space to breathe every once in a while. Well if it's one thing that's for sure it's that I will never cease to surprise myself over and over again. Keeps life interesting, huh? Well that's certainly true, although it does come with a catch.

And that catch is that I will also never get any damn peace of mind or stability. Of course I said that I don't even want a calm and safe life... cause I know I'll never have that. As much as it annoys me, I know I also need it to keep myself going. It's my strongest driving force through life. To always keep changing, taking unexpected turns, exhaust and surprise myself, get thrown out of my comfort zone, face my fears and get new ones, take me out of a rut or habit, it basically forces me to continue living even when that's the last thing I want to do.

I always use to say that I "took the crash course" when referring to my entire life. It's said both with a sense of humour, and a gut-wrenching fear of having to literally rush my way through experience after experience, never being able to just stop, breathe and take it all in. I think my final cause of death will be pure fucking exhaustion. No matter how or when I'll eventually die, I will most certainly have lived.

No it's never been my intention for my life to be like that, but I do strongly feel it's somehow in my nature, the way things just become, something that I don't have much of any control over. It's not just impulsion leading me to do crazy things, it's like things just start happening on their own and I'm being helplessly sucked into them, even when I fight hard to not end up in that storm. If it doesn't matter if I fight or not, then why fight? It would only cause even more distress if I'm gonna constantly try to go against something I obviously have no power over. I can't stop a fucking train coming towards me no matter how much I try when I only have my bare hands to use.

Of course not everything happening in my life is just random shit being thrown at me, but what then, should I opt out of the things I truly want to do just because I happen to live in a storm that never ends? Fuck no. I'll fucking ride that storm and that's why I said no to safety and comfort. Cause I can't carry those things with me wherever life seems to be taking me. Of course I would want to. I didn't leave them behind because of not wanting them, no... I sacrificed them. Cause I'm gonna need all the damn strength I can find without being able to carry safety and comfort with me. The main two things most people need to find any strength at all. No, I don't know how that could be possible, but I need the journey towards that even if it's not possible to achieve.

Some things I can control and change, but not everything. And I see my limits now, and of the few choices that I actually have, I certainly do think that riding the storm is far better than trying to fight it, ignoring it or just letting myself be carried away with it without wanting to. There's no way I can avoid it altogether, that is not a possibly available option and it has nothing to with what path I choose to take in life or not.

A path, I could possibly see as a guideline or general direction, but it's too framed and structured for me anyway. I know I did take the path towards light earlier, then changed to the path towards darkness, but at this point, I realise that I'm not on either path anymore. Perhaps I don't want to restrict myself to any certain path at all. Not such an "all of life" -kind of path at least. Good, evil, light, darkness... why stick to a specific one? Of course I'll still take smaller, less all consuming paths in life though.

Like with Satanism, or towards some kind of artistic career, or start working on actually one day getting a black belt in karate, continue exploring my sexuality and immerse myself in the gay male community with just a slight fear of being spat out again for being too weird and trans or whatever, towards becoming more independent which still includes moving to the main land and so on.

I've actually gotten the idea that I might want to aim for Stockholm instead, cause of something wilder, more exciting, a lot scarier and far less familiar, completely new for me, and also for more opportunities to study, parties, working out, meeting new people and so on, as there's so much more there, but we'll see what I'll eventually decide for. It's both a very scary and exciting thought, which is what makes it so alluring. My mother certainly wouldn't think of it as a fantastic idea though. Stockholm is in many ways bigger and more complicated especially considering my low stress tolerance, shitty sense of localisation, huge need for personal space and what not. It would be a huge change from Hemse on Gotland. Basically as drastic as it can get without moving to another country. From small village on an island, to the capital city.

Also, I was kinda given a quite good advice on my finding apartment issue, some time ago, which is that I apparently do have the option to literally switch apartments with anyone else now. I didn't have that option with the LSS-apartment, but with this one I do. So, there might be a slightly higher chance of me being able to get off this damn island eventually. However I do think I should prioritise SRS and healing up properly before I really start the hectic finding apartment chase and everything necessary involved with moving for the 8th time in my life. Also I really need to make up my mind on where I want to live.

I should start looking into and reading up on, and maybe also try talking to other people about, which parts of Stockholm could be more or less good or bad places to live. I definitely won't afford living somewhere in the city core, so it would have to be one of the more outer parts then. South, north, east or west doesn't matter to me. There are quite a lot of them to choose from as well, and I have no idea which ones would be better or worse to live in. I could if I wanted to, maybe also look more into some places of Stockholm where I have friends living if I'd want to connect with them.

I do have around a handful of friends and acquaintances living within or very close to that city, even though I'm not really particularly close to any of them on a personal or emotional level. However I don't think I'd need to become super best friends with them just because I'd decide to live within roughly the same part of the same city as them. But it could be a good way to sort of, ease my way into that city, kinda. If I'd be worried that it would become extremely overwhelming but still be something I'd very much want. It's a thought that I think is good to keep in the back of my mind, at least.

Yeah I know my best friends still live in Uppsala and they'll probably also grow old there, but just because I want to live closer to them, I also don't want to have this vague nagging feeling within myself that "what if I only want to live in Uppsala specifically because of them living there?" because my decision on where I want to live should most importantly be based on what I want for myself to live the life that I want to have - and not based on that safety and comfort that I so desperately cling to all the time.

I tell myself as I stand by the decision of maybe skipping Uppsala and move to Stockholm instead: "Let go of the past and move forward instead, focus on the future, but live in the now, don't go back to what was safe and comfortable before just because you don't know anything else. Remember all those times you visited Uppsala again and again since after it was no longer your home anymore? Remember that feeling, each and every time? I know you don't want to acknowledge it, but it's there for a reason. That feeling of no longer belonging there, of having left it emotionally already long ago. All that you once loved about Uppsala won't suddenly just come back to you just because you want for it to. You've moved on, whether you wanted to or not. You've already said your last goodbye to the only place on Earth you could ever call home. You know why. But there's more. Explore. Your friends will still be there around the corner for you to visit, but don't start depending on them again. Live for your own dreams. Dare to take a leap and make the most of it."

Cause maybe that's exactly what I should do? Skip the safest and most comfortable, just because it was the best at the time. It isn't anymore, I've always known that but just kept blocking away that feeling cause where the fuck else was I supposed to go? I can't stay here! But there certainly is more. I just need to face my fears and take that leap, out of my comfort. Maybe you understand better now as I suddenly do, as to why I had to change my entire world view, soon after New Years Eve. I see now that I didn't quite understand my decision to change direction, or even which direction to take, so I took the first best one. But it wasn't an over the night kind of decision. It's a decision that I'm still making and I will continue to make it for probably quite some time more.

I'm changing my life, and I know I wanted to take you with me on that journey, but somehow my decision to be at your side made me change focus off from myself and I got lost. I'm not blaming you for that at all. Remember that you once told me, it must have been sometime in the beginning of April last year, I can't recall your exact words, but your message was, that we should still focus on our own paths while still walking side by side. That's exactly what I so obviously failed at, and I couldn't even see it myself. I was on the right path in March last year, not because of exactly how I wanted my life to become like back then, but because it lead me here.

The beginning, the first few steps I took into the right direction, and my decision to be with you, all the intentions I had with us in the beginning, was all good. And I do believe I somehow managed, or am close to manage, to restore it into something that could be good again now, although it should be different. Even though I keep messing up a lot still, I have a confident feeling that no matter how much I keep bouncing in the wrong directions on the way... I will also just as much keep bouncing back to where I'm supposed to be as well. Maybe it is a bit of a pendulum effect going on right now, that I need to let swing around and eventually it might balance itself out. But somewhere between the then and the nowish, I did stray. Or rather, I just stopped.

One of my biggest mistakes were not that I listened to you, but that I stopped listening to myself. I do listen to myself now. I listen very carefully. Although I still can't clearly hear my own voice, and I don't understand much at all, but I know at least I have my ear to the right direction and I keep my focus as steady as I can. I always move to extremes, I cannot find balance by trying to look and listen everywhere at once. I have to start within myself, then slowly, gradually move outwards. That's why I'm diving so deeply into myself now. I have to start there at the very bottom before I can slowly move my focus more outwards again.

Perhaps it wasn't the right timing for us. I don't know. I'm 50/50 about that. Cause I know everything happens for a reason, at the same time as I still doubt that there is always only one way that things can go. Back to the illusion of choice, I guess. A concept that rings right with me, but I cannot fully grasp it. But I can feel it, that I do know what it means, I just haven't found that part of me yet.

I'm getting hungry, I want to play WoW, I can't keep writing forever as this train of thought seems like an endless flow of words. I know, that I always feel as if I'm close, so very close, but every time I reach out my hand, I'm miles away. It keeps me going, it keeps me focused, even though I can't even tell how far I really am behind. It doesn't even matter. It might seem like I'm just flailing around with no goal, but I just can't see my goal clearly, though I can feel it like a strong driving force within me.

I have to keep going. And I'll keep going not knowing where I'm heading, stumbling through darkness, tripping over light, and all I know is that I have to keep moving even though I'm scared that maybe I'm just getting all the more lost. And I know I might already be very lost but I just know that as long as I keep moving eventually I'll find my way. If if that means spinning in circles for 2 more months or even more. Stopping is the last thing I should do now. Doesn't matter how exhausted I am. I know it won't always be that way. I know I keep saying that I just want to find my way home, but at this point, it's much more like I'm creating a new home for myself. In everything I do, in every place I am. At least I'm trying and that's all I can do. At this point I can't be too consumed with finding the right way, now I need to find just any way at all, a way that I can navigate from. I do stop and look too, but yes I am afraid of stopping for too long, I don't want to end up there again.

One last thought for now, about my take on abandoning happiness, I think I was onto something, but found the wrong wording for it. What I meant was something more like: self improvement, understanding, knowledge and even wisdom, are all more important things than happiness. Happiness shouldn't be my goal, but my reward.