I started writing a short story again a couple of days ago. It's hard to say what it's about. Just trying to capture some emotions in a possible future or something. I do intend to write it in both Swedish and English, but we'll see how that goes. Started it in Swedish, then I think about translating it. Mostly just to practice both languages, and because I want to have some finished writings in Swedish so that I can send them to publishers in a hopefully not too distant future.
But of course I'm stuck with the short story now. I don't know where to take the content. After nearly two pages of text I still don't know what it's about.
Right, I'm starting to get really damn tired of my cell phone troubles now, as my new phone has bad contact with its battery just like my old phone does. This forenoon the new one shut off for no apparent reason and refused to start again so I had to take my old phone instead and now just hoping that damn thing will survive long enough until this is solved somehow. I just really need to have a functioning phone now.
Okay I think I finally know what to write about in my short story, or at least I know how it will end. What it's really about? I don't have a single idea. I'll leave that up to my readers. I don't know how it can be interpreted. I took a break, rested on the couch, don't know if I fell asleep or not, then got up and had some dinner.
I'm working on a longer reply to your last message to me on tumblr, at the threshold. I know we spoke some about it yesterday but I realised I have a lot more that I want to say. As you told me a lot of what's been going on within you I suddenly felt like I can and want to tell you a bit more of what's been going on within me as well. So it is an answer, but also a bit of a confession on certain topics as well. It will likely take me some time though, but hopefully I can finish it before you leave.
I do have a few more things to do this week. I'm gonna clean my dirty dishes tonight, tomorrow I'm gonna do some laundry, then I'm also gonna clean up the floors once more since they've gotten a bit dusty and such since last time I cleaned them in mid March. Oh, and I finally got around to order that stuff online that I need. Will probably take a little while before it arrives though, likely on Monday or Tuesday. And finally I cleaned the dirty dishes. All of it, except from my coffee cup, for some reason. Damn that made me tired.
Right, I'm off to bed now. It's been a pretty good-ish day and I've gotten a few things done, including having been to school for a few hours. Now my head is getting empty and I should rest it on my pillow.
Thursday, 28 April 2016
Thursday, 21 April 2016
Working around my pain
Sometimes I wonder what is crippling me the most, my asperger or my headache. Sometimes they're competing with each other in odd ways.
Slowly, gradually, I'm finding words to describe good things and not just bad things. It feels a bit like learning a new language or two, one new in Swedish and one new in English. It's now been around 1,5 months since I started feeling better and I still feel really good. I know my headache hitting the roof can't make me hate my life or myself. Physical pain never really affected my mental state in a bad or undesirable way. It makes me suffer physically, but it doesn't make me suffer mentally. No matter how bad it is. And I guess that's the one major difference between physical and mental pain for me. Mental pain has always been so much harder for me to endure.
And yeah, I have felt physical pain that can easily be considered extreme, so bad that I was just a heartbeat away from passing out from it. I do remember especially one day in late June or if it was early July 2013 when my headache was so bad I was in delirium and literally couldn't speak, just crying and making random noises. I could barely even move or gently sip water through a straw as I lied down in my bed at my parents' place. It went on for hours, but I can't remember just how many. Maybe four or five, before it gradually got better again.
I don't know exactly what triggered it to get that bad that day. I had just gotten back out from the psychiatric ward in Visby and visited my family over my sister's birthday. My uncle and his girlfriend at the time visited too. I had some wine but not a lot, I think it was just one or two glasses. I'm glad that extreme pain only lasted for hours though, cause had it been longer I would have likely had to go to a hospital about it. But I didn't need to.
With painkillers, they only work if my pain is medium strong and not if it's extreme. Usually my headache is mild, it's always there, always crippling me with its presence, but it is mild. Like an even pressure constantly on my head/forehead, uncomfortable but manageable. I don't always think of it, but when I do I always feel it. I have to try and not think about it, or else I would not be able to live my life. I have to ignore it as much as I can, cause I can't be dependent on painkillers for a constant pain that I can live with without painkillers. If I do take them constantly, they do lose their effect pretty quickly anyway. So that would be useless. Unless I would just keep increasing the dosage until I'm addicted.
That's not a solution for me. But I do know, that I've taken much more painkillers in my life than most 27 year old's have in their lives. Treo, Alvedon, Aspirin, Citodon and so on. During my worst periods or what to say, I've taken 3 Treo a day for weeks at an end, or up to 6 Citodon a day for two months. Treo is not a prescription drug and anyone can get it, it's an effervescent tablet that you put in a glass of water, let it dissolve in there and then drink it. It tastes a bit like very concentrated mineral water and it's very salty. Most people hate that taste but I kinda like it. Citodon is regular tablets that you just swallow and they are a prescription drug which contains codeine which turns into morphine inside your body. It also contains the same stuff as Treo so it's like a combination of two different substances that relieves pain. Citodon is addictive and I did get addicted to it for a short time before I decided to stop taking it.
Stress always makes my headache worse, and during my most extreme pill popping periods I was also under a lot of stress which increased my headache. It was an endless battle between the stress that caused the pain and the pills that were trying their best to relieve it. I noticed, rather late, but still, that I need to not stress myself in order to be able to cope with my headache at all. I'm never entirely stress free, as my own thoughts and feelings more often than not cause the constant tension that runs through my entire body. But like, for example, going to school 5 days a week would cause me to go into overdrive and increase my headache vastly. Now I have no idea what to do with my sort of half planned future when it comes to this. I can't ignore my stress tolerance level.
The thing is that I sort of planned with my main teacher at school, my mother and my case worker to continue the class/course I'm going to now, next term as well, but to increase my presence there to the maximum of 4 days a week. I don't think I can do it. I mean, yes I can technically, but it would most likely cause me to go into overdrive. It has always been that way in my past, since I got my headache. I don't know if I should just tell them that I'm pretty damn sure I will never be able to study full time because of this. I'm not just tackling my asperger, borderline, eating disorder and what not, but I do have a crippling headache to consider as well.
Also I think it's gotten even harder with age to push myself beyond my limits. I'm not saying I'm old or anything, but I'm not a teen anymore either and I think it might be related to that, cause now if I feel I can't get my ass to school a certain day, it's like I literally and physically can't. No matter what I try to do. My body no responds with simply falling asleep when it's too much, and I can't go anywhere if I'm asleep. Before, I could push myself to go to school even when I was way past exhausted and keep going until it got so bad that I shut down. I can't do that anymore, although I almost kinda wish I could.
Would I take the risk of shutting down just to prove them all of what I'm not capable of? Show them that it has nothing to do with me giving up or lacking motivation? My body doesn't care about my wishes or wantings, it shuts down when it becomes too much for it.
For me, I wouldn't take it so hard if it turns out there simply is no solution to help me get my grades up. If it turns out I can't study at all. I have my minimum wage allowance and I have my creativity. Life wouldn't be meaningless for me without a decent education and eventually a job. No, I don't think I'll ever be rid of my headache. I think it's gonna stay for the rest of my life. But to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty sure society is a lot more bothered by that than I am. It's my handicap but it's society's burden, cause it loses a productive member, it makes me useless for society, but it doesn't make my life useless for me.
Cause there's so much more to life than education and having a job. One of the pros of being disabled is that you do get a lot of free time to spend however you want to the degree you can, and I've never really felt that I owe society a damn thing. I think it owes me more. I've never felt bad for not being a productive member of society, and I don't think I ever will. It's been 11 years now, I'm pretty damn used to it and I do think I know now, that life can be lived, valuable and even good despite the constant pain. My pain doesn't rule me, we just have to work together a bit.
I do see my future will be bright, even though I'll have my pain with me. It might sound a bit cliché or something, but I'm not letting my pain ruin my life. It can be there, yes it will and does affect me, and I do know my limits, but I can still make my life worth living. As long as I can live at least somewhat on my own terms and not have that stupid society trying to decide what I should or shouldn't do. But knowing myself, which I do, I don't think that will be too much of a problem. I'm slowly learning how to stand on my own feet and not take shit from others. Starting with my mother. Because she's a person who still has the most power over me, who is very important to me and who I love a lot, and who is the hardest for me to say no to.
Isn't it a bit ironical, that "no" is the most difficult word for me to say, when it was the first word I ever said in this life? Yeah, it wasn't "mom" or "dad", it was "no". And I've been wondering about my keyboard here, which has two buttons on it that are the most damaged and I'm thinking you could guess which two letters those are... N and O. I think it's trying to send me a message or something.
I don't know if you noticed, but during our conversation last night I did dare to talk a little bit more than usually, and I don't think it was quite as one-sided as it usually tends to be? I did make an effort however but then as I was getting more tired it was more difficult for me to keep the conversation going. I will keep working on it but I do think it might have been a good start. Thing is that sometimes it's hard for me to stay on topic as my mind tends to wander around in various directions until I'm suddenly thinking about three or four completely different things at the same time, even though I want to stay on topic. I'm not really good at steering my mind, but I'm trying to.
Slowly, gradually, I'm finding words to describe good things and not just bad things. It feels a bit like learning a new language or two, one new in Swedish and one new in English. It's now been around 1,5 months since I started feeling better and I still feel really good. I know my headache hitting the roof can't make me hate my life or myself. Physical pain never really affected my mental state in a bad or undesirable way. It makes me suffer physically, but it doesn't make me suffer mentally. No matter how bad it is. And I guess that's the one major difference between physical and mental pain for me. Mental pain has always been so much harder for me to endure.
And yeah, I have felt physical pain that can easily be considered extreme, so bad that I was just a heartbeat away from passing out from it. I do remember especially one day in late June or if it was early July 2013 when my headache was so bad I was in delirium and literally couldn't speak, just crying and making random noises. I could barely even move or gently sip water through a straw as I lied down in my bed at my parents' place. It went on for hours, but I can't remember just how many. Maybe four or five, before it gradually got better again.
I don't know exactly what triggered it to get that bad that day. I had just gotten back out from the psychiatric ward in Visby and visited my family over my sister's birthday. My uncle and his girlfriend at the time visited too. I had some wine but not a lot, I think it was just one or two glasses. I'm glad that extreme pain only lasted for hours though, cause had it been longer I would have likely had to go to a hospital about it. But I didn't need to.
With painkillers, they only work if my pain is medium strong and not if it's extreme. Usually my headache is mild, it's always there, always crippling me with its presence, but it is mild. Like an even pressure constantly on my head/forehead, uncomfortable but manageable. I don't always think of it, but when I do I always feel it. I have to try and not think about it, or else I would not be able to live my life. I have to ignore it as much as I can, cause I can't be dependent on painkillers for a constant pain that I can live with without painkillers. If I do take them constantly, they do lose their effect pretty quickly anyway. So that would be useless. Unless I would just keep increasing the dosage until I'm addicted.
That's not a solution for me. But I do know, that I've taken much more painkillers in my life than most 27 year old's have in their lives. Treo, Alvedon, Aspirin, Citodon and so on. During my worst periods or what to say, I've taken 3 Treo a day for weeks at an end, or up to 6 Citodon a day for two months. Treo is not a prescription drug and anyone can get it, it's an effervescent tablet that you put in a glass of water, let it dissolve in there and then drink it. It tastes a bit like very concentrated mineral water and it's very salty. Most people hate that taste but I kinda like it. Citodon is regular tablets that you just swallow and they are a prescription drug which contains codeine which turns into morphine inside your body. It also contains the same stuff as Treo so it's like a combination of two different substances that relieves pain. Citodon is addictive and I did get addicted to it for a short time before I decided to stop taking it.
Stress always makes my headache worse, and during my most extreme pill popping periods I was also under a lot of stress which increased my headache. It was an endless battle between the stress that caused the pain and the pills that were trying their best to relieve it. I noticed, rather late, but still, that I need to not stress myself in order to be able to cope with my headache at all. I'm never entirely stress free, as my own thoughts and feelings more often than not cause the constant tension that runs through my entire body. But like, for example, going to school 5 days a week would cause me to go into overdrive and increase my headache vastly. Now I have no idea what to do with my sort of half planned future when it comes to this. I can't ignore my stress tolerance level.
The thing is that I sort of planned with my main teacher at school, my mother and my case worker to continue the class/course I'm going to now, next term as well, but to increase my presence there to the maximum of 4 days a week. I don't think I can do it. I mean, yes I can technically, but it would most likely cause me to go into overdrive. It has always been that way in my past, since I got my headache. I don't know if I should just tell them that I'm pretty damn sure I will never be able to study full time because of this. I'm not just tackling my asperger, borderline, eating disorder and what not, but I do have a crippling headache to consider as well.
Also I think it's gotten even harder with age to push myself beyond my limits. I'm not saying I'm old or anything, but I'm not a teen anymore either and I think it might be related to that, cause now if I feel I can't get my ass to school a certain day, it's like I literally and physically can't. No matter what I try to do. My body no responds with simply falling asleep when it's too much, and I can't go anywhere if I'm asleep. Before, I could push myself to go to school even when I was way past exhausted and keep going until it got so bad that I shut down. I can't do that anymore, although I almost kinda wish I could.
Would I take the risk of shutting down just to prove them all of what I'm not capable of? Show them that it has nothing to do with me giving up or lacking motivation? My body doesn't care about my wishes or wantings, it shuts down when it becomes too much for it.
For me, I wouldn't take it so hard if it turns out there simply is no solution to help me get my grades up. If it turns out I can't study at all. I have my minimum wage allowance and I have my creativity. Life wouldn't be meaningless for me without a decent education and eventually a job. No, I don't think I'll ever be rid of my headache. I think it's gonna stay for the rest of my life. But to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty sure society is a lot more bothered by that than I am. It's my handicap but it's society's burden, cause it loses a productive member, it makes me useless for society, but it doesn't make my life useless for me.
Cause there's so much more to life than education and having a job. One of the pros of being disabled is that you do get a lot of free time to spend however you want to the degree you can, and I've never really felt that I owe society a damn thing. I think it owes me more. I've never felt bad for not being a productive member of society, and I don't think I ever will. It's been 11 years now, I'm pretty damn used to it and I do think I know now, that life can be lived, valuable and even good despite the constant pain. My pain doesn't rule me, we just have to work together a bit.
I do see my future will be bright, even though I'll have my pain with me. It might sound a bit cliché or something, but I'm not letting my pain ruin my life. It can be there, yes it will and does affect me, and I do know my limits, but I can still make my life worth living. As long as I can live at least somewhat on my own terms and not have that stupid society trying to decide what I should or shouldn't do. But knowing myself, which I do, I don't think that will be too much of a problem. I'm slowly learning how to stand on my own feet and not take shit from others. Starting with my mother. Because she's a person who still has the most power over me, who is very important to me and who I love a lot, and who is the hardest for me to say no to.
Isn't it a bit ironical, that "no" is the most difficult word for me to say, when it was the first word I ever said in this life? Yeah, it wasn't "mom" or "dad", it was "no". And I've been wondering about my keyboard here, which has two buttons on it that are the most damaged and I'm thinking you could guess which two letters those are... N and O. I think it's trying to send me a message or something.
I don't know if you noticed, but during our conversation last night I did dare to talk a little bit more than usually, and I don't think it was quite as one-sided as it usually tends to be? I did make an effort however but then as I was getting more tired it was more difficult for me to keep the conversation going. I will keep working on it but I do think it might have been a good start. Thing is that sometimes it's hard for me to stay on topic as my mind tends to wander around in various directions until I'm suddenly thinking about three or four completely different things at the same time, even though I want to stay on topic. I'm not really good at steering my mind, but I'm trying to.
Tuesday, 19 April 2016
Memories
I've known about me being otherkin for 6 years now, as I discovered it sometime during 2010. Or well, that's when I found the words to describe what I've always felt since early childhood. I haven't done much research, but I used to hang out in online forums for people who are otherkin up until a couple of years ago or so. I don't know that much beyond the basics, really. Also, especially demonkin is apparently a bit more difficult to find information about. I don't know if it's the stigma of identifying as something so commonly referred to as an "evil" creature or what.
I don't see it as that I was evil back in Dala, or that I am now. I sure have done questionable things thinking it was nothing at the time I did them, I've broken the law and been lying, deceiving and manipulating, I've hurt people. But I just know that the love, care, compassion, acceptance and respect that I also possess and give sort of balances it out a bit. I do still feel awful over those not so good things I've done, but I want you to know, that even though it didn't help much immediately to tell you about them, it certainly did over time. I guess it just took me a little while for it to sink in and for me to realise that you wouldn't reject or hate me because of it.
So yes, it was a relief, but it didn't happen instantly. I think my view on myself has changed somewhat. I don't really hate myself anymore, I don't think I deserve to die for what I've done. I don't really know what I deserve or not, but I do know that I'm alive now and I should do the best that I can of the life that I have. I think I've gotten a step closer to accepting myself and my past. I'm more focused on this life than the one I had in Dala, but of course I can't really let go of Dala either. I mean, I still miss it, but I don't feel ready to die for it anymore. I figure I might or might not get back there again someday anyway.
And I know I've been selfish. For me, the darkness has always come with a huge amount of selfishness. And as I'm breaking out of it, I notice that I care more about certain others as well. I notice that my life and my choices don't just impact myself. I just thought about something completely random, that maybe it's not so bad that I can't remember more from Dala than I do, cause if I did maybe I would try to re-create those memories in this life. That would probably put a lot of pressure on both myself and you. Just a thought though. I don't even know if I would try to re-create memories that I no longer have if I did have them. I do feel I'm more up for creating completely new memories. Why make two different lives as similar as possible? That doesn't make much sense to me.
I don't know how much I could leave Dala behind me, or even if I should. I've always been a bit torn on what to actually do with memories. Any memories. I tend to dig around in them, try to find out more, I wallow and over analyse and dissect them. I wish them back or I wish to change them. I don't think that's entirely healthy. I just got another random thought, that thank goodness for the existence of internet or I don't think we would have found each other. I'm still a bit mind-blown about everything. The initial overwhelming has passed for me by now, but on the depths I'm still overwhelmed, but in a calmer way, if that makes any sense?
Like I don't constantly feel overwhelmed, but if I reach in under the surface I do tend to. I still find myself gasping sometimes, thinking it's too good to be true.
Oh, this old song. I remember. Just randomly found it among favourites on Spotify. Now it's giving me chills like never before and I notice how much I really like it. I added that song nearly 14 months ago. Was it really that long ago? I think it was our first video chat. I haven't thought that very much about that particular memory, but it has been on my mind from time to time. I haven't listened to the song again until now though. That, I don't know why.
It hits me kinda hard, as I'm slowly starting to realise what this all means. And god damn, I hope my gut feeling is right. There is no war within me anymore, just to clarify. Those parts of me that used to scream that something was wrong, are now expressing the complete opposite. I smile as I light my cigarette, inhale deeply, hold in the smoke and then exhale. "This is heaven, what I truly want" comes from the song and I feel the chills again. Yes, couldn't have said it better myself. Or well, life obviously isn't perfect and I don't think it's ever gonna be but that's kind of the thing, cause who ever said it has to be?
I'm heading in the right direction for once and life will become what I make of it. What struck me that day in early March? Did I just randomly find the right path in the forest of my life after having wandered aimlessly for nearly 27 years? Did I find it within myself or did it find me? Just suddenly, everything changed. I do believe that happiness or anything even remotely close to it, won't just happen if I sit on my ass and do nothing. I've gotta make things happen, but up until recently, I haven't even known what I truly wanted.
I don't see it as that I was evil back in Dala, or that I am now. I sure have done questionable things thinking it was nothing at the time I did them, I've broken the law and been lying, deceiving and manipulating, I've hurt people. But I just know that the love, care, compassion, acceptance and respect that I also possess and give sort of balances it out a bit. I do still feel awful over those not so good things I've done, but I want you to know, that even though it didn't help much immediately to tell you about them, it certainly did over time. I guess it just took me a little while for it to sink in and for me to realise that you wouldn't reject or hate me because of it.
So yes, it was a relief, but it didn't happen instantly. I think my view on myself has changed somewhat. I don't really hate myself anymore, I don't think I deserve to die for what I've done. I don't really know what I deserve or not, but I do know that I'm alive now and I should do the best that I can of the life that I have. I think I've gotten a step closer to accepting myself and my past. I'm more focused on this life than the one I had in Dala, but of course I can't really let go of Dala either. I mean, I still miss it, but I don't feel ready to die for it anymore. I figure I might or might not get back there again someday anyway.
And I know I've been selfish. For me, the darkness has always come with a huge amount of selfishness. And as I'm breaking out of it, I notice that I care more about certain others as well. I notice that my life and my choices don't just impact myself. I just thought about something completely random, that maybe it's not so bad that I can't remember more from Dala than I do, cause if I did maybe I would try to re-create those memories in this life. That would probably put a lot of pressure on both myself and you. Just a thought though. I don't even know if I would try to re-create memories that I no longer have if I did have them. I do feel I'm more up for creating completely new memories. Why make two different lives as similar as possible? That doesn't make much sense to me.
I don't know how much I could leave Dala behind me, or even if I should. I've always been a bit torn on what to actually do with memories. Any memories. I tend to dig around in them, try to find out more, I wallow and over analyse and dissect them. I wish them back or I wish to change them. I don't think that's entirely healthy. I just got another random thought, that thank goodness for the existence of internet or I don't think we would have found each other. I'm still a bit mind-blown about everything. The initial overwhelming has passed for me by now, but on the depths I'm still overwhelmed, but in a calmer way, if that makes any sense?
Like I don't constantly feel overwhelmed, but if I reach in under the surface I do tend to. I still find myself gasping sometimes, thinking it's too good to be true.
Oh, this old song. I remember. Just randomly found it among favourites on Spotify. Now it's giving me chills like never before and I notice how much I really like it. I added that song nearly 14 months ago. Was it really that long ago? I think it was our first video chat. I haven't thought that very much about that particular memory, but it has been on my mind from time to time. I haven't listened to the song again until now though. That, I don't know why.
It hits me kinda hard, as I'm slowly starting to realise what this all means. And god damn, I hope my gut feeling is right. There is no war within me anymore, just to clarify. Those parts of me that used to scream that something was wrong, are now expressing the complete opposite. I smile as I light my cigarette, inhale deeply, hold in the smoke and then exhale. "This is heaven, what I truly want" comes from the song and I feel the chills again. Yes, couldn't have said it better myself. Or well, life obviously isn't perfect and I don't think it's ever gonna be but that's kind of the thing, cause who ever said it has to be?
I'm heading in the right direction for once and life will become what I make of it. What struck me that day in early March? Did I just randomly find the right path in the forest of my life after having wandered aimlessly for nearly 27 years? Did I find it within myself or did it find me? Just suddenly, everything changed. I do believe that happiness or anything even remotely close to it, won't just happen if I sit on my ass and do nothing. I've gotta make things happen, but up until recently, I haven't even known what I truly wanted.
Monday, 18 April 2016
Content
I don't know if I told you already but I've been feeling more and more that I'm falling out of love with K. My love for him won't reach its three-year mark. I remember that the last love poem I wrote to/about him was on March 2nd. He's been in my thoughts, but not nearly as much as he used to be. I still care about him, but I don't feel any fires within me that are meant for him anymore. The fires that once burned me alive are nowadays just shooting vague sparks. I've got other fires now, as you know.
To me it's a relief, cause I don't feel as divided/torn in different directions as I probably otherwise would have if I had kept being deeply in love with him through all of this. I don't feel sad or bad at all over leaving that chapter in my life behind me. I'm moving on, forward and the future looks so much brighter for me now. Sometimes I do thank my whimsical heart for its most recent changes, I think they didn't come a day too early. Finally, my mind, my soul and my heart agree with each other, and well yeah my body does too. I feel synchronised with all aspects of myself like I don't think I ever have before.
Like I'm not pointing in every direction anymore, no I've gotten on one track, one path and I love following it. See wherever it might lead me. I'm very curious, a tad too impatient and so very content. Sure, I do get stressed, anxious and scared too sometimes, especially when new thoughts and such pop up in my head, but over all and in general, I do feel very content with how things are and the direction they're going in.
Everything just feels so right, so warm and peaceful. I do not fear things going wrong, cause I don't think anything could happen that we wouldn't be able to go through, talk about and possibly also learn from. I did also write in a poem today that I want to learn more than I'm meant to know. I think though, that there's more depth in that phrase than I can grasp. I just have this sensation that if or when any difficulties would come, I wouldn't want to try to run from them, but rather face them and deal with them.
Right now I'm having thoughts that might be a tad too early to share, and also this is not the place to bring them up, as they're a bit too private. Not too private for me to share with you, but certainly for me to write it here. And also I've lately wondered if anything would be too private for me to share with you. Cause so far, nothing has really felt too private to share. I just don't feel embarrassed or ashamed or anything with you. I might be nervous, but that doesn't mean I don't want to share. I believe I've been so open with you lately that it would feel weird and wrong to not be open with you.
I mean, of course you're perfectly allowed to any privacy you want and need, and I do hope that me saying I want to be open about practically everything about myself with you won't put any pressure on you feeling like you would have to do the same with me. It's just my preference and choice to not be very private at all, I don't think there would be anything wrong with any other choice or preference when it comes to that. Slowly I feel that I'm getting closer to being the me I used to be and like, before all my lies and deceit started in my late teens. Not lying to you, not keeping important information from you, has been difficult, but I believe it's also been very rewarding for the both of us.
I would of course tell you if I'd feel uncomfortable telling something about myself to you, but I just don't think there are that many such things anymore. The only other person I've felt this comfortable and safe around before was my best friend, before I moved away. Since then our contact got more sparse and it became more difficult for me to open up to her. So, I lost some of that comfort and safeness with her.
Maybe it doesn't say much, that I do feel that comfortable and safe around you, because I still have that shyness holding me back despite me not wanting to hold back anymore. I want to break free from it and be completely open. Maybe that's the leap I'm trying to make, still awfully scared of heights. But I won't let fear stop me anymore, I've been bound to it for too long and it suffocates me. And I just want to breathe.
I want to write something like a short story inspired by you but I have no idea where to begin. I've been having that idea in my head for quite a while now, but I just can't form it into an actual story. My creativity just isn't as accessible lately and it's bothering me. I can and do write poems but that's basically it. They're mostly about you. I try to express myself in any way I can, but I just can't find the right time or place for it. I keep thinking maybe some things it's too soon to open up about, but it's been getting all the more difficult to not express them.
My mind is just racing too fast for me to keep up with and I'm like "hang on, and slow down!" at it. I do like my thoughts of you, but sometimes they tend to take me too far into possible futures. And I want to focus on the here and now, and the nearest future. But I can't decide what to think about, the thoughts will come no matter what I do. And I do look forward to sharing them with you, but right now I'm a little bit worried that it's just too soon. So, it's hard to be patient with my racing mind, but I want to be patient, and I really don't want to rush anything or put any pressure on you. I mean, it's just been 1,5 weeks and... I'm thinking too far ahead.
One thing at a time, I try to tell my brain that won't slow down. But heck, I'm used to that unsorted mess that is my thoughts, so maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I think it is. I keep wondering, if maybe you've been thinking further ahead as well, or had thoughts of what we haven't yet discussed. It's okay if you haven't, it's just something I wonder about from time to time.
This day goes by calmly. I'm still listening to Chelsea Wolfe and I think I will continue doing so until I don't know what. I'm slightly tired and a little cold and hungry but I feel good. Might soon try to eat something. Okay, I did but I'm still hungry. Whatever. I try to draw a tree to get my inspiration going but I feel nothing towards what I'm drawing. It's happened before, that I get less creative the better I feel. I wish I could, I wish it so badly, that I could have both my creativity and feeling better at the same time. But I just can't create anything, it feels like. Cause the only things I've ever been able to express have been misery and darkness. Maybe if I just give it some time my creativity will come back to me. I don't know.
I'm back from a two hours long nap and I dreamed about you. I don't remember what happened in the dream, only that you were in it and I woke up with a smile on my lips. I do love it when you visit my dreams. I don't really know where to best post the poems that I've written that are about you and us. I wouldn't mind posting them on my tumblr but I want it to be okay for you too.
I got another idea about what I could do about my moving to the main land situation, which is to find a decent, normal apartment basically anywhere in Uppland (the area in which Uppsala is) like even in a small village or something where no one wants to live and then keep looking for an apartment in Uppsala while living somewhere else fairly close to that city. Cause I think it would be a lot easier to find an apartment in a smaller town or village like Östhammar, Gimo, Alunda, Knivsta, Västerås or even Österbybruk. I don't remember what all those places over there are called, but those are some that I do remember. It would be quite a distance to Uppsala but we're not talking the nearly astronomical distance as I have from here. And I do think that would be better than living here, especially if the staff here or the instance that's in charge of them would evict me.
And also better than to move to a normal apartment here in Hemse, as is my mother's "suggestion". And by suggestion I mean that's her one and only solution, which I would reject and refuse like hell. I had an imaginary conversation in my head earlier today about me telling her that I shouldn't have to suffer because she and my father made the stupid decision to move to this island.
Of course though, if I move to another tiny village but closer to Uppsala, it might get hard to get the support I might need that is similar to LSS. I don't think there's that much I would need help with anymore though, but mainly just two things, possibly. That would be cleaning the drain in my shower to prevent the apartment from getting flooded, and to wake me up in the morning so that I can take my morning medication on time. I mean, seems I can handle most cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and such fine by myself as of lately, which I couldn't before. I might need help with remembering to pay my bills and other such stuff too though, but I not need much more than that and barely even that.
I just feel like I got myself sucked into this hell dimension known as Gotland so I just have to get myself out of it too somehow. Let the nightmare become nothing more than a memory.
I've been thinking. Wondering, if I should even ever tell K that I used to be in love with him, as my feelings for him are fading. I don't know if it would be such a smart move. Like... the point of ever telling him would be so that he would know that he's loved, and I mean I do still kinda love him as a friend at least, I mean it's not like I suddenly hate him or anything. I just don't really have any romantic feelings for him anymore. Maybe I should just tell him what he matters to me as a friend instead and skip the part about me having been in love with him, I don't know. I would need to think about it some.
That thought keeps popping up every once in a while, as I had planned for so long on telling him and now things are changing within me. I've also thought of that "chain" with the four of us that I wrote about some time ago and what that could mean now. I don't know if you remember, don't know how much details I should mention here about it. But it does feel like the links in that chain have been re-arranging a bit. Quite a bit indeed. And with me losing my feelings for K, I wonder if that breaks the chain. So where does that lead us?
I haven't gotten any further with that thought really. I don't really think that often about it, about K or his partner. To me now, they're both good friends, but yes, I'm sure he will continue being a closer friend to me than his partner will, if I even should arrange actual people in some kind of hierarchy. Whatever. Let's leave that for now. I feel as though I'm trying to force words out of myself because I can't think of anything else to do than writing. Nothing else that I'd rather want to do. I don't know, but there's always that one thing I'd rather do than anything these days.
I feel my words are coming to an end for now and I will soon try to get some sleep. I have school tomorrow, which I don't know if I feel up for or not. Depends on the night, I guess.
To me it's a relief, cause I don't feel as divided/torn in different directions as I probably otherwise would have if I had kept being deeply in love with him through all of this. I don't feel sad or bad at all over leaving that chapter in my life behind me. I'm moving on, forward and the future looks so much brighter for me now. Sometimes I do thank my whimsical heart for its most recent changes, I think they didn't come a day too early. Finally, my mind, my soul and my heart agree with each other, and well yeah my body does too. I feel synchronised with all aspects of myself like I don't think I ever have before.
Like I'm not pointing in every direction anymore, no I've gotten on one track, one path and I love following it. See wherever it might lead me. I'm very curious, a tad too impatient and so very content. Sure, I do get stressed, anxious and scared too sometimes, especially when new thoughts and such pop up in my head, but over all and in general, I do feel very content with how things are and the direction they're going in.
Everything just feels so right, so warm and peaceful. I do not fear things going wrong, cause I don't think anything could happen that we wouldn't be able to go through, talk about and possibly also learn from. I did also write in a poem today that I want to learn more than I'm meant to know. I think though, that there's more depth in that phrase than I can grasp. I just have this sensation that if or when any difficulties would come, I wouldn't want to try to run from them, but rather face them and deal with them.
Right now I'm having thoughts that might be a tad too early to share, and also this is not the place to bring them up, as they're a bit too private. Not too private for me to share with you, but certainly for me to write it here. And also I've lately wondered if anything would be too private for me to share with you. Cause so far, nothing has really felt too private to share. I just don't feel embarrassed or ashamed or anything with you. I might be nervous, but that doesn't mean I don't want to share. I believe I've been so open with you lately that it would feel weird and wrong to not be open with you.
I mean, of course you're perfectly allowed to any privacy you want and need, and I do hope that me saying I want to be open about practically everything about myself with you won't put any pressure on you feeling like you would have to do the same with me. It's just my preference and choice to not be very private at all, I don't think there would be anything wrong with any other choice or preference when it comes to that. Slowly I feel that I'm getting closer to being the me I used to be and like, before all my lies and deceit started in my late teens. Not lying to you, not keeping important information from you, has been difficult, but I believe it's also been very rewarding for the both of us.
I would of course tell you if I'd feel uncomfortable telling something about myself to you, but I just don't think there are that many such things anymore. The only other person I've felt this comfortable and safe around before was my best friend, before I moved away. Since then our contact got more sparse and it became more difficult for me to open up to her. So, I lost some of that comfort and safeness with her.
Maybe it doesn't say much, that I do feel that comfortable and safe around you, because I still have that shyness holding me back despite me not wanting to hold back anymore. I want to break free from it and be completely open. Maybe that's the leap I'm trying to make, still awfully scared of heights. But I won't let fear stop me anymore, I've been bound to it for too long and it suffocates me. And I just want to breathe.
I want to write something like a short story inspired by you but I have no idea where to begin. I've been having that idea in my head for quite a while now, but I just can't form it into an actual story. My creativity just isn't as accessible lately and it's bothering me. I can and do write poems but that's basically it. They're mostly about you. I try to express myself in any way I can, but I just can't find the right time or place for it. I keep thinking maybe some things it's too soon to open up about, but it's been getting all the more difficult to not express them.
My mind is just racing too fast for me to keep up with and I'm like "hang on, and slow down!" at it. I do like my thoughts of you, but sometimes they tend to take me too far into possible futures. And I want to focus on the here and now, and the nearest future. But I can't decide what to think about, the thoughts will come no matter what I do. And I do look forward to sharing them with you, but right now I'm a little bit worried that it's just too soon. So, it's hard to be patient with my racing mind, but I want to be patient, and I really don't want to rush anything or put any pressure on you. I mean, it's just been 1,5 weeks and... I'm thinking too far ahead.
One thing at a time, I try to tell my brain that won't slow down. But heck, I'm used to that unsorted mess that is my thoughts, so maybe it shouldn't be as difficult as I think it is. I keep wondering, if maybe you've been thinking further ahead as well, or had thoughts of what we haven't yet discussed. It's okay if you haven't, it's just something I wonder about from time to time.
This day goes by calmly. I'm still listening to Chelsea Wolfe and I think I will continue doing so until I don't know what. I'm slightly tired and a little cold and hungry but I feel good. Might soon try to eat something. Okay, I did but I'm still hungry. Whatever. I try to draw a tree to get my inspiration going but I feel nothing towards what I'm drawing. It's happened before, that I get less creative the better I feel. I wish I could, I wish it so badly, that I could have both my creativity and feeling better at the same time. But I just can't create anything, it feels like. Cause the only things I've ever been able to express have been misery and darkness. Maybe if I just give it some time my creativity will come back to me. I don't know.
I'm back from a two hours long nap and I dreamed about you. I don't remember what happened in the dream, only that you were in it and I woke up with a smile on my lips. I do love it when you visit my dreams. I don't really know where to best post the poems that I've written that are about you and us. I wouldn't mind posting them on my tumblr but I want it to be okay for you too.
I got another idea about what I could do about my moving to the main land situation, which is to find a decent, normal apartment basically anywhere in Uppland (the area in which Uppsala is) like even in a small village or something where no one wants to live and then keep looking for an apartment in Uppsala while living somewhere else fairly close to that city. Cause I think it would be a lot easier to find an apartment in a smaller town or village like Östhammar, Gimo, Alunda, Knivsta, Västerås or even Österbybruk. I don't remember what all those places over there are called, but those are some that I do remember. It would be quite a distance to Uppsala but we're not talking the nearly astronomical distance as I have from here. And I do think that would be better than living here, especially if the staff here or the instance that's in charge of them would evict me.
And also better than to move to a normal apartment here in Hemse, as is my mother's "suggestion". And by suggestion I mean that's her one and only solution, which I would reject and refuse like hell. I had an imaginary conversation in my head earlier today about me telling her that I shouldn't have to suffer because she and my father made the stupid decision to move to this island.
Of course though, if I move to another tiny village but closer to Uppsala, it might get hard to get the support I might need that is similar to LSS. I don't think there's that much I would need help with anymore though, but mainly just two things, possibly. That would be cleaning the drain in my shower to prevent the apartment from getting flooded, and to wake me up in the morning so that I can take my morning medication on time. I mean, seems I can handle most cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry and such fine by myself as of lately, which I couldn't before. I might need help with remembering to pay my bills and other such stuff too though, but I not need much more than that and barely even that.
I just feel like I got myself sucked into this hell dimension known as Gotland so I just have to get myself out of it too somehow. Let the nightmare become nothing more than a memory.
I've been thinking. Wondering, if I should even ever tell K that I used to be in love with him, as my feelings for him are fading. I don't know if it would be such a smart move. Like... the point of ever telling him would be so that he would know that he's loved, and I mean I do still kinda love him as a friend at least, I mean it's not like I suddenly hate him or anything. I just don't really have any romantic feelings for him anymore. Maybe I should just tell him what he matters to me as a friend instead and skip the part about me having been in love with him, I don't know. I would need to think about it some.
That thought keeps popping up every once in a while, as I had planned for so long on telling him and now things are changing within me. I've also thought of that "chain" with the four of us that I wrote about some time ago and what that could mean now. I don't know if you remember, don't know how much details I should mention here about it. But it does feel like the links in that chain have been re-arranging a bit. Quite a bit indeed. And with me losing my feelings for K, I wonder if that breaks the chain. So where does that lead us?
I haven't gotten any further with that thought really. I don't really think that often about it, about K or his partner. To me now, they're both good friends, but yes, I'm sure he will continue being a closer friend to me than his partner will, if I even should arrange actual people in some kind of hierarchy. Whatever. Let's leave that for now. I feel as though I'm trying to force words out of myself because I can't think of anything else to do than writing. Nothing else that I'd rather want to do. I don't know, but there's always that one thing I'd rather do than anything these days.
I feel my words are coming to an end for now and I will soon try to get some sleep. I have school tomorrow, which I don't know if I feel up for or not. Depends on the night, I guess.
Saturday, 16 April 2016
Indecisive
I finally dreamed about you. Well, it was just vague feelings and the line "Like siamese twins separated at birth" as the start of a poem. I'm not entirely sure what it meant. But I was sort of about connecting with you on a deeper level, more spiritually. It's hard to explain.
I have no idea how I managed to make my case worker believe that I'm motivated for studies in the future at our meeting today. I swear it just happened and I have no idea how. Cause I'm not really motivated for studies at all and I have no idea what I'm doing.
My mind is a mess. I've mostly been lying on the couch since I got home from that meeting, trying to think and sort out that mess. I don't know if I've gotten any closer to reaching any decision as I keep changing my mind all the time. I know what I want, but all the practical stuff and reality has made me change my decision multiple times today. I ask myself questions like: what if it would be too much at once? what if I won't be able to handle it? what if I'll just crash and burn? I'm so stressed out about it. There are risks to consider, that didn't pop up in my head until after our last talk. I should know myself better than I do.
I talked to my mother about it a bit but she was just like "uh you have to figure all that out yourself" basically. I mentioned my medications and she said something like "yeah" without really giving me a yes or no answer. I haven't really been able to take in that much more new information regarding anything today. I know you wouldn't really have demands on me to handle more than I can, but I just wish so badly that I could handle more. So that I could just do whatever I wanted and not constantly be hindered by my body and mind not functioning as they should.
Mainly, what I'm talking about is my extreme sensitivity towards stress. I hadn't thought very far before but if I'm under what is to me extreme stress (which would be like normal stress for most people) I do very easily crash. In the past I've dissociated, hallucinated or just not been able to function at all. Like I just shut down after a while. It's hard to describe exactly what I mean by "shutting down" but I become almost apathetic in a way. Like I just sit down on the ground or wherever I can and just stare. It's scary for me when that happens but I also worry that I would be a bit too much to handle for you too.
I remember this happened when I went to Iceland when I was 13. Sure it was half an eternity ago, but the situation seems familiar somehow. Those times it has happened, they tend to stick with me forever. Other times it's happened was at various schools, when I had tried to push myself to being at school more than I could handle, cause it was sort of required of me. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to take the risk though, it's not that.
My racing heart is stressing my mind which in turn is stressing my heart. I'm on some kind of loop. I will be going over to my family's place sometime tomorrow, probably not long after whenever I wake up. Of course we can talk when I'm there too, if you'd want to, I'll bring my computer. I feel kind of alert now, how annoying. I mean, it's practically bedtime if there is such a thing for me.
Anyways, don't hesitate to send me a message if you think I'm taking a bit too long to reach a decision. But yeah, I have thought about it a lot and will keep doing so. Now I'm having a white russian to hopefully help me being able to get some sleep at some point tonight. I'm running out of things to say but my mind is still cluttered. Oh god, I'm still indecisive... thought I had almost reached a decision, but nah it changed again. I haven't been smiling a lot today, but now it warms me. I hope things will turn out okay no matter what I decide for.
I have no idea how I managed to make my case worker believe that I'm motivated for studies in the future at our meeting today. I swear it just happened and I have no idea how. Cause I'm not really motivated for studies at all and I have no idea what I'm doing.
My mind is a mess. I've mostly been lying on the couch since I got home from that meeting, trying to think and sort out that mess. I don't know if I've gotten any closer to reaching any decision as I keep changing my mind all the time. I know what I want, but all the practical stuff and reality has made me change my decision multiple times today. I ask myself questions like: what if it would be too much at once? what if I won't be able to handle it? what if I'll just crash and burn? I'm so stressed out about it. There are risks to consider, that didn't pop up in my head until after our last talk. I should know myself better than I do.
I talked to my mother about it a bit but she was just like "uh you have to figure all that out yourself" basically. I mentioned my medications and she said something like "yeah" without really giving me a yes or no answer. I haven't really been able to take in that much more new information regarding anything today. I know you wouldn't really have demands on me to handle more than I can, but I just wish so badly that I could handle more. So that I could just do whatever I wanted and not constantly be hindered by my body and mind not functioning as they should.
Mainly, what I'm talking about is my extreme sensitivity towards stress. I hadn't thought very far before but if I'm under what is to me extreme stress (which would be like normal stress for most people) I do very easily crash. In the past I've dissociated, hallucinated or just not been able to function at all. Like I just shut down after a while. It's hard to describe exactly what I mean by "shutting down" but I become almost apathetic in a way. Like I just sit down on the ground or wherever I can and just stare. It's scary for me when that happens but I also worry that I would be a bit too much to handle for you too.
I remember this happened when I went to Iceland when I was 13. Sure it was half an eternity ago, but the situation seems familiar somehow. Those times it has happened, they tend to stick with me forever. Other times it's happened was at various schools, when I had tried to push myself to being at school more than I could handle, cause it was sort of required of me. I'm not saying I wouldn't want to take the risk though, it's not that.
My racing heart is stressing my mind which in turn is stressing my heart. I'm on some kind of loop. I will be going over to my family's place sometime tomorrow, probably not long after whenever I wake up. Of course we can talk when I'm there too, if you'd want to, I'll bring my computer. I feel kind of alert now, how annoying. I mean, it's practically bedtime if there is such a thing for me.
Anyways, don't hesitate to send me a message if you think I'm taking a bit too long to reach a decision. But yeah, I have thought about it a lot and will keep doing so. Now I'm having a white russian to hopefully help me being able to get some sleep at some point tonight. I'm running out of things to say but my mind is still cluttered. Oh god, I'm still indecisive... thought I had almost reached a decision, but nah it changed again. I haven't been smiling a lot today, but now it warms me. I hope things will turn out okay no matter what I decide for.
Thursday, 14 April 2016
As I reach my perfect age
I can't believe I'm 27 years old now. I somehow managed to survive this long. How much different will 27 feel compared to 26? Oh, I think a whole lot. Compared to most of 26, that is. The last month of that age was pretty awesome. Now I've entered a new era, I feel more free than I have in a very long time, if not forever. I'm gonna work so hard (but not too hard) to become as much of my old self as possible, I'm gonna improve myself on so many levels. For me and for us. I'm so excited about it but a little bit scared too. Of working towards improving myself, that is. I believe it's gonna be so worth it though. It's like, I can see so many possibilities in the future like I have so much potential that I've never even thought of before. I'll make life worth living.
After all, most of my life is in my own hands. Except from what is in society's hands and that shit but really, most of it I do have the power over. To change, to embrace or do whatever I want with. I'm not gonna feel like I'm stuck in between life and death anymore. No, I'm gonna live, choose life and do the very best I can of my time here on Earth.
Had another dream about my father again. This one wasn't quite as nice. In it he abused my sister mentally in ways similar to how R treated me back in my first relationship. But in this dream I really stood up for my sister and fought for her right to leave the house even though she had an injured foot. Our mother was on our father's side until the end of the dream when she finally opened her eyes. So I was acting like some kind of hero in my family in that dream, for my sister. Completely different from my previous dream in which I beat her up, and the dream before in which I united with my father and my sister wasn't really even in the picture.
What's up with all these family related dreams lately? And they're like always portraying various kinds of abuse. Am I really so confused about their intentions these days? And why can't I dream of you instead? Perhaps it's too soon for that part of my subconscious to catch up, I don't know.
The same questions echo in my head and rest on my tongue. I will bring them up whether I feel ready or not. Whether I feel like I can or not. Cause every time I've been close to uttering them my heart rate has increased massively and I've gotten dizzy from it, and the only way I could calm myself down was to tell myself that "okay maybe some other time". I don't know why I'm so nervous about those specific questions, they shouldn't be that hard to ask. And I know I can't wait forever and I don't even want to. I just don't want to feel blocked by my own mind.
I write about this now so that you'll know, that there is two things that I really want to talk to you about but I just can't for some reason. Well, it damn well shouldn't be impossible. But difficult indeed. I guess they're not really urgent and that's one of the reasons I've been able of keep postponing saying them.
Now if I could just stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time then that would be good. I've been so tired today. Didn't manage school. I slept until 9-ish o'clock then was up until 10, then fell asleep again for about an hour and it's been going on like that all day. Oh, for me, listening to "Birthday" by The Crüxshadows is a must today. It's so weird, but every time I hear the first verse of it "you roll out of bed and look in the mirror, another year has come and gone..." I imagine myself a lot older in a completely different apartment, smiling at my older self in the mirror. I think I would be around 50 years old in that image. I'm slightly heavier, have wrinkles, look pale and have hip long black hair.
I've kept seeing that visualisation or what to call it, for so many years now, every time I hear that song. And it's always comforting somehow, to maybe one day become that middle aged man who's so content with himself and the life he's lived up until that point. I've never feared getting older, no I've always looked forward to it. Perhaps I worry that my already aching body will be aching far more the older I get, but otherwise I feel I have nothing to worry about really. If it's anything, except love, that I've always craved in life it's experience, wisdom and knowledge and I've always been comforted by that those things will likely come with age. And also I can't help but find the aging process human beings go through is so beautiful.
Sure it can be cruel too, but depends on how you look at it, right? Like, I don't necessarily find beauty in youth, no I kinda find it in any and every age. I just think it's so sad that society sees ageing as ugly or something no one should ever want. Why not? Why wouldn't it be something to sort of strive for? Why would it be better to live fast and die young? Sure I've always had that in my mind too, that I'm living fast and have wanted to die young but not because of any fear of ageing. And also, what's really up with the horrible expression "ageing with grace"? I think most people if not everyone do.
I don't know why, but I like trying to imagine how I'll look when I'm getting old enough to call myself old. Like I might be super silly but I'm already liking the few fine lines I've already gotten and I keep wishing that I'll get grey hairs prematurely. My parents didn't get very wrinkly at all, or haven't yet. If it wasn't for their hairs getting all the more grey and me obviously knowing them, I would have guessed they're younger than they are. I think I will get more wrinkly though, especially if I keep up my cigarette habit. I know I used to have very oily skin before but it has gotten a lot dryer lately.
I don't know why I keep hoping for more wrinkles, it's silly. I've just always found them beautiful somehow, on other people and such. However. Let's leave that topic for now. The guy who was here about my stove early this morning called me later during the morning and told me that it was the timer that was broken and I told him to call my mother about that cause I didn't understand half of what he was saying. Technical stuff has never really been my strong side, but they often tend to malfunction around me for some reason. So, my stove and that stuff still hasn't been fixed. My mother came by to give me a sort of portable mini stove though, so I can cook food again at least.
Well, as well as I can then. It's mostly just fried eggs or pasta and various powder sauces that I cook. I can't do it nicely, but I can make it edible at least. Okay I can't think of anything more to write right now so I'll end this entry with a poem that I wrote a couple of days ago.
Meant to feel
"Lost in a dream
running on all fours
and I put a hand on my chest
pretend that it's yours
Shaking my head
still wondering was it real
oh how I've always known
what I was meant to feel
I have words on my tongue too shy
to reach my lips
echoes in my hands that can't
reach my fingertips
Running to release
what's pounding beneath my skin
holding on to what was never
really lost within
Silently I remain here
breathe deep and think
as everything around us
creates an invisible link"
After all, most of my life is in my own hands. Except from what is in society's hands and that shit but really, most of it I do have the power over. To change, to embrace or do whatever I want with. I'm not gonna feel like I'm stuck in between life and death anymore. No, I'm gonna live, choose life and do the very best I can of my time here on Earth.
Had another dream about my father again. This one wasn't quite as nice. In it he abused my sister mentally in ways similar to how R treated me back in my first relationship. But in this dream I really stood up for my sister and fought for her right to leave the house even though she had an injured foot. Our mother was on our father's side until the end of the dream when she finally opened her eyes. So I was acting like some kind of hero in my family in that dream, for my sister. Completely different from my previous dream in which I beat her up, and the dream before in which I united with my father and my sister wasn't really even in the picture.
What's up with all these family related dreams lately? And they're like always portraying various kinds of abuse. Am I really so confused about their intentions these days? And why can't I dream of you instead? Perhaps it's too soon for that part of my subconscious to catch up, I don't know.
The same questions echo in my head and rest on my tongue. I will bring them up whether I feel ready or not. Whether I feel like I can or not. Cause every time I've been close to uttering them my heart rate has increased massively and I've gotten dizzy from it, and the only way I could calm myself down was to tell myself that "okay maybe some other time". I don't know why I'm so nervous about those specific questions, they shouldn't be that hard to ask. And I know I can't wait forever and I don't even want to. I just don't want to feel blocked by my own mind.
I write about this now so that you'll know, that there is two things that I really want to talk to you about but I just can't for some reason. Well, it damn well shouldn't be impossible. But difficult indeed. I guess they're not really urgent and that's one of the reasons I've been able of keep postponing saying them.
Now if I could just stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time then that would be good. I've been so tired today. Didn't manage school. I slept until 9-ish o'clock then was up until 10, then fell asleep again for about an hour and it's been going on like that all day. Oh, for me, listening to "Birthday" by The Crüxshadows is a must today. It's so weird, but every time I hear the first verse of it "you roll out of bed and look in the mirror, another year has come and gone..." I imagine myself a lot older in a completely different apartment, smiling at my older self in the mirror. I think I would be around 50 years old in that image. I'm slightly heavier, have wrinkles, look pale and have hip long black hair.
I've kept seeing that visualisation or what to call it, for so many years now, every time I hear that song. And it's always comforting somehow, to maybe one day become that middle aged man who's so content with himself and the life he's lived up until that point. I've never feared getting older, no I've always looked forward to it. Perhaps I worry that my already aching body will be aching far more the older I get, but otherwise I feel I have nothing to worry about really. If it's anything, except love, that I've always craved in life it's experience, wisdom and knowledge and I've always been comforted by that those things will likely come with age. And also I can't help but find the aging process human beings go through is so beautiful.
Sure it can be cruel too, but depends on how you look at it, right? Like, I don't necessarily find beauty in youth, no I kinda find it in any and every age. I just think it's so sad that society sees ageing as ugly or something no one should ever want. Why not? Why wouldn't it be something to sort of strive for? Why would it be better to live fast and die young? Sure I've always had that in my mind too, that I'm living fast and have wanted to die young but not because of any fear of ageing. And also, what's really up with the horrible expression "ageing with grace"? I think most people if not everyone do.
I don't know why, but I like trying to imagine how I'll look when I'm getting old enough to call myself old. Like I might be super silly but I'm already liking the few fine lines I've already gotten and I keep wishing that I'll get grey hairs prematurely. My parents didn't get very wrinkly at all, or haven't yet. If it wasn't for their hairs getting all the more grey and me obviously knowing them, I would have guessed they're younger than they are. I think I will get more wrinkly though, especially if I keep up my cigarette habit. I know I used to have very oily skin before but it has gotten a lot dryer lately.
I don't know why I keep hoping for more wrinkles, it's silly. I've just always found them beautiful somehow, on other people and such. However. Let's leave that topic for now. The guy who was here about my stove early this morning called me later during the morning and told me that it was the timer that was broken and I told him to call my mother about that cause I didn't understand half of what he was saying. Technical stuff has never really been my strong side, but they often tend to malfunction around me for some reason. So, my stove and that stuff still hasn't been fixed. My mother came by to give me a sort of portable mini stove though, so I can cook food again at least.
Well, as well as I can then. It's mostly just fried eggs or pasta and various powder sauces that I cook. I can't do it nicely, but I can make it edible at least. Okay I can't think of anything more to write right now so I'll end this entry with a poem that I wrote a couple of days ago.
Meant to feel
"Lost in a dream
running on all fours
and I put a hand on my chest
pretend that it's yours
Shaking my head
still wondering was it real
oh how I've always known
what I was meant to feel
I have words on my tongue too shy
to reach my lips
echoes in my hands that can't
reach my fingertips
Running to release
what's pounding beneath my skin
holding on to what was never
really lost within
Silently I remain here
breathe deep and think
as everything around us
creates an invisible link"
Wednesday, 13 April 2016
Points of view
Okay I've calmed down now. This day has been so strange, and I literally don't know if I should laugh or cry. It's very literal. Cause on one side it's been shitty, exhausting and constantly testing my patience... but on the other side I've been smiling at the thoughts of you, recent memories and the future. I'm so torn I feel split in two. More than usually, that is. So maybe that makes me actually split in three. I don't know. Cause I'm always two people, I mean, me and Anna. Okay that thought is making me dizzy.
Youtube advised me to listen to "Hypnos" by Chelsea Wolfe and I found I really like it. It's making me calmer again. Oh, I'm telling Anna to remind me to close my bedroom window before I go to sleep and I wonder if any of us will actually remember it. Probably not. Good thing I still sleep with a duvet in my bed.
I thought about you all day, but didn't really know what to say to you and you were never online when I looked so I thought maybe a day alone wouldn't hurt. I don't know, I still missed you. The memory of your smile comforted me between all my anger outbursts that I lost count on. It seems I had my first bad day in over a month. And I'm so weirded out by it I literally didn't know what to do. Maybe I should have talked to you, yeah, maybe I should have.
I mean to take it easy tomorrow. No school. My mother is gonna come over with a new cell phone for me and maybe we'll do some grocery shopping together as well. Then she can drive me home so I won't have to carry everything so far. It just takes me around 12 minutes to walk home from the store, but it still can be annoying when I have heavy food and drinks to carry. It's not really the weight of it though that bothers me, but how the bags cut into my hands when I carry them. I must have the world's most sensitive hands.
I use to sometimes say it's my "artist's hands" and I have to be careful with them so that they won't get too damaged to do art. Well, it's that and my extreme fear of having my hands badly injured. I actually quite often end up thinking about what it would be like if I lost my hands. I don't know why. It always upsets me a lot. They're so valuable to me, compared to any other part of my body. I guess that thought has been kinda possessing me.
I think too much about things like that, although I try not to. Cause no matter how careful I am, things could still go wrong. I've learned that the hard way, with other things. I've never broken a bone in my body, I've never been injured at all. The worst thing that's ever happened to my body is the self harm scars I've inflicted, and they're all very superficial. I was always scared of cutting deep on my arms because I was scared of cutting off nerves to my hands. I've always been so careful with my body, always so scared of accidents.
I feel so strangely complete when I'm around you somehow. It's strange, but so very familiar at the same time. Perhaps, I'm just not used to feeling that way. But I am, I felt like that for an eternity. It's just that... yeah, lately I haven't been used to it. It's so weird in a way, but at the same time it's very much not, how I feel like I'm slowly becoming who I really am again. In a good way, the way it's always felt like it's supposed to be, but I've been missing something, someone. Slowly, the pieces fall into place again. And I can't keep up with the changes.
I feel all sorts of strange energies within me that I can't explain. But yeah, that it's connected to my long distant past, that much I'm aware of. Just these strange energies flowing through me, I can't make any sense of them. I wonder why I can't remember what music was like back in Dala. I had memories of it, but lost them in early childhood, along with the language. I think part of why most of my thoughts are formed as words and sentences is because I was so used to telepathy back in Dala, like some part of me is always prepared or something. I wonder if it could ever possibly happen.
It would be practical, but perhaps wouldn't leave much space for privacy. I don't remember if privacy was ever an issue in Dala. I don't think it was. No, I actually think no one ever had a reason to hide anything. I've never thought of this before, but as a child I never felt the need to ever hide any part of myself. I was completely open and honest about literally everything. Until I learned what embarrassment, shyness and self hatred was. Oh god, this world took away so much. It makes me think... if maybe I went from being an ideal version of myself to something less. I shriveled and nearly died. Now I have to build it up again. Overcome all that embarrassment, that shyness and self hatred that this world taught me. But I think I know what it needed to teach me.
I know where to start. Yes, but I don't have much of a plan. Of course though, I do know I have the right to privacy, it's not that. It's not what I mean. I mean, what keeps me from being myself. What holds me captive, the bars of my cage. That's what I want to break free from, become again, as free as I once was. I think I know now, what you meant when you said that one can be free and still be alive. Thank you, for telling me.
I feel I'm finally on the right track, on the path that I need to be on. And I don't know if I found it or if it found me. I did realise a lot of things when I was still trapped in darkness by the end of last year, perhaps I was onto something already then. And I feel, I have so much to smile about these days, but mostly it's you. I just can't help but feeling that everything happened exactly when it needed to happen. Step by step until it landed me here, tonight.
Youtube advised me to listen to "Hypnos" by Chelsea Wolfe and I found I really like it. It's making me calmer again. Oh, I'm telling Anna to remind me to close my bedroom window before I go to sleep and I wonder if any of us will actually remember it. Probably not. Good thing I still sleep with a duvet in my bed.
I thought about you all day, but didn't really know what to say to you and you were never online when I looked so I thought maybe a day alone wouldn't hurt. I don't know, I still missed you. The memory of your smile comforted me between all my anger outbursts that I lost count on. It seems I had my first bad day in over a month. And I'm so weirded out by it I literally didn't know what to do. Maybe I should have talked to you, yeah, maybe I should have.
I mean to take it easy tomorrow. No school. My mother is gonna come over with a new cell phone for me and maybe we'll do some grocery shopping together as well. Then she can drive me home so I won't have to carry everything so far. It just takes me around 12 minutes to walk home from the store, but it still can be annoying when I have heavy food and drinks to carry. It's not really the weight of it though that bothers me, but how the bags cut into my hands when I carry them. I must have the world's most sensitive hands.
I use to sometimes say it's my "artist's hands" and I have to be careful with them so that they won't get too damaged to do art. Well, it's that and my extreme fear of having my hands badly injured. I actually quite often end up thinking about what it would be like if I lost my hands. I don't know why. It always upsets me a lot. They're so valuable to me, compared to any other part of my body. I guess that thought has been kinda possessing me.
I think too much about things like that, although I try not to. Cause no matter how careful I am, things could still go wrong. I've learned that the hard way, with other things. I've never broken a bone in my body, I've never been injured at all. The worst thing that's ever happened to my body is the self harm scars I've inflicted, and they're all very superficial. I was always scared of cutting deep on my arms because I was scared of cutting off nerves to my hands. I've always been so careful with my body, always so scared of accidents.
I feel so strangely complete when I'm around you somehow. It's strange, but so very familiar at the same time. Perhaps, I'm just not used to feeling that way. But I am, I felt like that for an eternity. It's just that... yeah, lately I haven't been used to it. It's so weird in a way, but at the same time it's very much not, how I feel like I'm slowly becoming who I really am again. In a good way, the way it's always felt like it's supposed to be, but I've been missing something, someone. Slowly, the pieces fall into place again. And I can't keep up with the changes.
I feel all sorts of strange energies within me that I can't explain. But yeah, that it's connected to my long distant past, that much I'm aware of. Just these strange energies flowing through me, I can't make any sense of them. I wonder why I can't remember what music was like back in Dala. I had memories of it, but lost them in early childhood, along with the language. I think part of why most of my thoughts are formed as words and sentences is because I was so used to telepathy back in Dala, like some part of me is always prepared or something. I wonder if it could ever possibly happen.
It would be practical, but perhaps wouldn't leave much space for privacy. I don't remember if privacy was ever an issue in Dala. I don't think it was. No, I actually think no one ever had a reason to hide anything. I've never thought of this before, but as a child I never felt the need to ever hide any part of myself. I was completely open and honest about literally everything. Until I learned what embarrassment, shyness and self hatred was. Oh god, this world took away so much. It makes me think... if maybe I went from being an ideal version of myself to something less. I shriveled and nearly died. Now I have to build it up again. Overcome all that embarrassment, that shyness and self hatred that this world taught me. But I think I know what it needed to teach me.
I know where to start. Yes, but I don't have much of a plan. Of course though, I do know I have the right to privacy, it's not that. It's not what I mean. I mean, what keeps me from being myself. What holds me captive, the bars of my cage. That's what I want to break free from, become again, as free as I once was. I think I know now, what you meant when you said that one can be free and still be alive. Thank you, for telling me.
I feel I'm finally on the right track, on the path that I need to be on. And I don't know if I found it or if it found me. I did realise a lot of things when I was still trapped in darkness by the end of last year, perhaps I was onto something already then. And I feel, I have so much to smile about these days, but mostly it's you. I just can't help but feeling that everything happened exactly when it needed to happen. Step by step until it landed me here, tonight.
Monday, 11 April 2016
Fears and stuff
I just put up 13 more of my drawings on my living room walls. It's starting to look like a gallery or something. Okay I'm just lying on the couch without even trying to sleep for most of today. I know it's useless, but I get too tired to do anything else. I lied there for about an hour just now while the thoughts kept spinning in my head. I'm trying to not think too far ahead and not worry too much, but the thoughts are there no matter what I do. So I let them be there, I know there's no use in trying to force them away. They're just thoughts anyway.
I'm finishing up my wine before it gets bad even though it's Sunday night and I sort of plan on being at school tomorrow. I hope it won't be noticeable that I've been drinking the night before, but other than that I don't really see a problem with it. I rarely ever get hungover, and I won't get that from just having somewhere around 3 glasses of wine. I've gotta buy cigarettes tomorrow, again. I smoke insanely much.
I think maybe I need the wine tonight, I'm feeling all sorts of shit that I shouldn't say here and what not. Just a lot of worry and fear that I'm trying to tell myself is unnecessary and not needed but it won't go away. Perhaps I'm going about it with the wrong tactics. I believe this is good for me though, I'm learning things. Like how to deal with my own emotional storms. I'm scared that I'm changing into something I don't like, something that wouldn't be liked by others either.
Yeah, I really don't know what to say here at this point. I end up rather saying too little than too much, or rather I end up writing a whole damn lot but never posting anything. That's not good, I still need to vent at least a little bit. Just bottling things isn't good, I've already learned that the hard way. But I know I end up not knowing what to do with all my thoughts and feelings that I'm trying to contain for just the moment. Trying to analyse them, understand them and maybe learn something too.
I know I can't just say nothing and I know that no one's keeping me from saying anything either, except from maybe myself. I write a lot in private notes, as I try to get some kind of clarity from the mess in my head. I'm trying to compose poems but they all end up too personal, too private or I don't even know. It's a fact that my mind is running on one track and I can't think of anything else. I was about to post something here yesterday, and the day before, but I didn't manage to.
I'm calm, but sometimes I get stressed too. I don't even know by what. Thoughts causing storms more than my feelings do. They're just there, warm and cosy, but my thoughts are damn wild. Sometimes I wonder if they're even connected to each other.
Oh, it will just be 1,5 glasses of wine. Oh well. It reminds me to buy loads of menthol cigarettes soon as well, cause apparently they will become illegal here in Sweden soon and I have to bunker up. Not that I often smoke such, but I would like to have the option at least one more time. I do fear that one day all kinds of tobacco will be illegal. I'm not good at finding things on the black market and how would I even be able to hide cigarette consumption? Okay I don't want to think about this.
I don't mind you straying, not at all. You know what I realised? That to me, your freedom is just as important as my own. No matter what happens in the future, I don't ever want to take away your freedom. I might feel a bit... I don't even know what right now, but I think this is the best way anyway. To let you have all the freedom you want and need. I want to be your asset not your burden.
I still have things to figure out, but I will sooner or later anyway. I hope so at least. I've been playing a lot of WoW these past two days, as some kind of attempt to focus on something else for a while. I can't really draw, I can't really write. Except from just scribbling down every single thought that comes to my mind. I can't really do anything creative. I just wish I could take a break from my thoughts every once in a while but as of now, it seems I can only do that if I'm asleep.
I can and do watch youtube videos as well though, but not too many at a time or I lose focus again. Mostly I've been hanging out on the FTMtranstastic channel and then some random videos about botched surgeries and gun shot victims. I have no idea why I ended up on those videos, but yeah, youtube can be weird sometimes. But yeah, FTMtranstastic always has a theme for each week and this week it's apparently about how to accept your trans body which I found I had a lot to learn about. And I'm so eager to tell you things about myself regarding that that might surprise you, but I keep chilling. There's no hurry.
But yeah, I think my own self esteem has been increasing a lot lately and I hope it will keep doing so. I mean, I suddenly find myself not minding showering in daylight or with the lights on anymore, I'm not horrified by my mirror reflection, and I do walk around in just boxers in my apartment quite a lot lately. Unless I'm too cold that is. I hope that I by summer will be able to walk around topless or just wearing shorts if it's really hot without feeling awful. I would say I've been making a lot of progress in that area. To be more and more comfortable with my body, as it is right now. Honestly I don't think I'm ready to stop taking testosterone just yet. I think I'll wait at least 6 months, maybe a year.
I'm not saying I'm having second thougts about having a child, certainly not, it's just that I've been thinking maybe I was rushing it a bit too much and let's just say my priorities have changed a little bit. I'll get more into that at some other time, as I am a bit unsure of how deep I should go into things on such a public place as this is. Please do tell me to shut up about anything if I'm saying too much, but I do realise by then it might be too late, so I'd rather say less from the begining, if that makes any sense at all.
However. The wine is slowly getting to my blood stream but I doubt it's gonna affect me in any... problematic way. I've just run out of Lucky Strike cigarettes and I'm trying my best to make do with Pall Mall, which is my second favourite brand. It's just for the rest of tonight (however much longer I'll be up for) and early tomorrow until I can go get more cigarettes of the brand Lucky Strike.
Funny thing, or something, why I started smoking Lucky Strike, was sadly because of my celebrity crush at the time I turned 18, the Swedish writer Berny Pålsson. Her real name is Bernadette, but she always wanted to go by Berny so respecting that and such. I mean, I write her real name here because she's open open about it. She even wrote it in her books. I was obsessed with her like I've never been with any other celebrity. She's not really known outside of Sweden though. I think my obsession lasted from the end of 2005 (when I was 16) to the end of 2008 (when I was 19) so it was a pretty damn long time.
She wrote about smoking Lucky Strike in her first book (which was an autobiography) and that's how I discovered that brand and liked it immediately. I'm not proud over my obsession with her, but I do accept that that was how it was for me back then. In my denial period, when I refused to acknowledge that I'm trans, I found that I could be like her. Look like her, mostly. We seemed to be similar in many aspects on a personality level as well, just that she was a tad wilder than I was. I took after her a lot. I thought, that if I had to be female I would be like her.
So it was like I could only accept being seen as female if it was under certain conditions. So much has changed since then. Now I know, not only that I don't have to be female cause I'm obviously not, but that I can be male in any way I want. With this new found self esteem, I feel that for example, people judging me for looking androgynous, can sincerely go and fuck themselves. Like that classmate of mine, the only other guy at school who despises me and whom I should probably be a lot more careful around than I am.
I really don't care that he thinks I'm not "man enough" to even be considered a guy. Like who would even care about his opinions? Okay I do feel the need to tell you this about him, and that's something I was told a couple of weeks or so ago. Okay, I knew he's been in jail and he's been bragging about it like I didn't know what's wrong with him, cause seriously...? Anyway, what I heard was that the reason he was locked up was that he beat someone so badly that they ended up in a wheelchair. And that's not all... the reason as to why he presumably beat that person, was because they spoke with the "wrong" accent.
Now that just sent chills down my spine, I can't even... If it's true, then maybe I should stay on my guard and I do. I mean, I really do try my best to not be alone in any room with him, for example. Sometimes I can't sit next to him in class, but other times I can. Those other times, it's usually because I am a bit protective of F. No, I don't feel anything for her, my heart never took that direction, but I fear for her safety. And I would rather take the hit from him than seeing her taking it. Is that awfully stupid of me? I don't know.
Something's ought to be done about the serious tension in my school class... I mean, this could get dangerous, for real. Me and F, and sometimes M as well, are like some kind of warriors in my class. I mean, we do we and won't let anyone change us or put us down. But with someone like him in our class... no, I can't even imagine how dangerous things could get. Like what if he just heard the shit we 3 talk about him when he's hopefully not around? I can just say, that I hope I won't end up in a wheelchair before the end of the term. I'll likely skip some of the end of it though, considering that we do have school all until May 19th, but yeah.
I don't mean to scare you, I just think it might be important for you to know what I'm dealing with when I am the one I am at school. I'm sure I would get a lot of support and help from literally everyone else at school if anything, literally anything would ever happen between me and that guy though. I'm not scared of going there, I'm actually not, but yeah, I do keep my guard up and always trying to remember what I was taught at my karate lessons back 11 and more years ago, just in case the day would come when I would need to fight for my life. I wouldn't hesitate, not for one split second.
I don't mean I wouldn't beat him down, no, I'm trying to remember how to block attacks. And I do remember, I do. Okay I think I need to leave this topic before I actually get scared of going back to school. I do consider F my friend there and I do feel a lot safer when I'm around her at school. But I don't really usually feel exactly scared for my life when she's not around. I know that he's the only, literally the only one that has anything against me there. I'm sure if I'd get into any kind of trouble I could just holler and anyone would come along to be by my side. So even though I have reasons to be scared, I also have reasons to feel safe.
I don't know why I'm telling you this now, please don't worry for me. I might not have been in many situations like this before, but I do feel that as long as anyone else is in the same room as me and him, I'm not really in any danger. But yeah, I do also feel that if he'd actually go after anyone, it would with all likelihood be either me or F. That's fucking scary... shit. Okay I need to be at school in 8 hours from now. I'm not even asleep yet. Obviously.
Now how did I get here? Yeah, letting my own self esteem get so good that assholes like him can't bring me down. He's not making me wear less make-up, but he sure can make me think he might try to beat me down some day. Yes, he can try. I know my moves and I know my friends. Okay, more WoW on this and I might be ready for some sleep. If I even can sleep. I'll just hope my meds and the wine will work together in a charm and I will have forgotten all about this by the morning. Yeah, sounds like a plan.
I'm finishing up my wine before it gets bad even though it's Sunday night and I sort of plan on being at school tomorrow. I hope it won't be noticeable that I've been drinking the night before, but other than that I don't really see a problem with it. I rarely ever get hungover, and I won't get that from just having somewhere around 3 glasses of wine. I've gotta buy cigarettes tomorrow, again. I smoke insanely much.
I think maybe I need the wine tonight, I'm feeling all sorts of shit that I shouldn't say here and what not. Just a lot of worry and fear that I'm trying to tell myself is unnecessary and not needed but it won't go away. Perhaps I'm going about it with the wrong tactics. I believe this is good for me though, I'm learning things. Like how to deal with my own emotional storms. I'm scared that I'm changing into something I don't like, something that wouldn't be liked by others either.
Yeah, I really don't know what to say here at this point. I end up rather saying too little than too much, or rather I end up writing a whole damn lot but never posting anything. That's not good, I still need to vent at least a little bit. Just bottling things isn't good, I've already learned that the hard way. But I know I end up not knowing what to do with all my thoughts and feelings that I'm trying to contain for just the moment. Trying to analyse them, understand them and maybe learn something too.
I know I can't just say nothing and I know that no one's keeping me from saying anything either, except from maybe myself. I write a lot in private notes, as I try to get some kind of clarity from the mess in my head. I'm trying to compose poems but they all end up too personal, too private or I don't even know. It's a fact that my mind is running on one track and I can't think of anything else. I was about to post something here yesterday, and the day before, but I didn't manage to.
I'm calm, but sometimes I get stressed too. I don't even know by what. Thoughts causing storms more than my feelings do. They're just there, warm and cosy, but my thoughts are damn wild. Sometimes I wonder if they're even connected to each other.
Oh, it will just be 1,5 glasses of wine. Oh well. It reminds me to buy loads of menthol cigarettes soon as well, cause apparently they will become illegal here in Sweden soon and I have to bunker up. Not that I often smoke such, but I would like to have the option at least one more time. I do fear that one day all kinds of tobacco will be illegal. I'm not good at finding things on the black market and how would I even be able to hide cigarette consumption? Okay I don't want to think about this.
I don't mind you straying, not at all. You know what I realised? That to me, your freedom is just as important as my own. No matter what happens in the future, I don't ever want to take away your freedom. I might feel a bit... I don't even know what right now, but I think this is the best way anyway. To let you have all the freedom you want and need. I want to be your asset not your burden.
I still have things to figure out, but I will sooner or later anyway. I hope so at least. I've been playing a lot of WoW these past two days, as some kind of attempt to focus on something else for a while. I can't really draw, I can't really write. Except from just scribbling down every single thought that comes to my mind. I can't really do anything creative. I just wish I could take a break from my thoughts every once in a while but as of now, it seems I can only do that if I'm asleep.
I can and do watch youtube videos as well though, but not too many at a time or I lose focus again. Mostly I've been hanging out on the FTMtranstastic channel and then some random videos about botched surgeries and gun shot victims. I have no idea why I ended up on those videos, but yeah, youtube can be weird sometimes. But yeah, FTMtranstastic always has a theme for each week and this week it's apparently about how to accept your trans body which I found I had a lot to learn about. And I'm so eager to tell you things about myself regarding that that might surprise you, but I keep chilling. There's no hurry.
But yeah, I think my own self esteem has been increasing a lot lately and I hope it will keep doing so. I mean, I suddenly find myself not minding showering in daylight or with the lights on anymore, I'm not horrified by my mirror reflection, and I do walk around in just boxers in my apartment quite a lot lately. Unless I'm too cold that is. I hope that I by summer will be able to walk around topless or just wearing shorts if it's really hot without feeling awful. I would say I've been making a lot of progress in that area. To be more and more comfortable with my body, as it is right now. Honestly I don't think I'm ready to stop taking testosterone just yet. I think I'll wait at least 6 months, maybe a year.
I'm not saying I'm having second thougts about having a child, certainly not, it's just that I've been thinking maybe I was rushing it a bit too much and let's just say my priorities have changed a little bit. I'll get more into that at some other time, as I am a bit unsure of how deep I should go into things on such a public place as this is. Please do tell me to shut up about anything if I'm saying too much, but I do realise by then it might be too late, so I'd rather say less from the begining, if that makes any sense at all.
However. The wine is slowly getting to my blood stream but I doubt it's gonna affect me in any... problematic way. I've just run out of Lucky Strike cigarettes and I'm trying my best to make do with Pall Mall, which is my second favourite brand. It's just for the rest of tonight (however much longer I'll be up for) and early tomorrow until I can go get more cigarettes of the brand Lucky Strike.
Funny thing, or something, why I started smoking Lucky Strike, was sadly because of my celebrity crush at the time I turned 18, the Swedish writer Berny Pålsson. Her real name is Bernadette, but she always wanted to go by Berny so respecting that and such. I mean, I write her real name here because she's open open about it. She even wrote it in her books. I was obsessed with her like I've never been with any other celebrity. She's not really known outside of Sweden though. I think my obsession lasted from the end of 2005 (when I was 16) to the end of 2008 (when I was 19) so it was a pretty damn long time.
She wrote about smoking Lucky Strike in her first book (which was an autobiography) and that's how I discovered that brand and liked it immediately. I'm not proud over my obsession with her, but I do accept that that was how it was for me back then. In my denial period, when I refused to acknowledge that I'm trans, I found that I could be like her. Look like her, mostly. We seemed to be similar in many aspects on a personality level as well, just that she was a tad wilder than I was. I took after her a lot. I thought, that if I had to be female I would be like her.
So it was like I could only accept being seen as female if it was under certain conditions. So much has changed since then. Now I know, not only that I don't have to be female cause I'm obviously not, but that I can be male in any way I want. With this new found self esteem, I feel that for example, people judging me for looking androgynous, can sincerely go and fuck themselves. Like that classmate of mine, the only other guy at school who despises me and whom I should probably be a lot more careful around than I am.
I really don't care that he thinks I'm not "man enough" to even be considered a guy. Like who would even care about his opinions? Okay I do feel the need to tell you this about him, and that's something I was told a couple of weeks or so ago. Okay, I knew he's been in jail and he's been bragging about it like I didn't know what's wrong with him, cause seriously...? Anyway, what I heard was that the reason he was locked up was that he beat someone so badly that they ended up in a wheelchair. And that's not all... the reason as to why he presumably beat that person, was because they spoke with the "wrong" accent.
Now that just sent chills down my spine, I can't even... If it's true, then maybe I should stay on my guard and I do. I mean, I really do try my best to not be alone in any room with him, for example. Sometimes I can't sit next to him in class, but other times I can. Those other times, it's usually because I am a bit protective of F. No, I don't feel anything for her, my heart never took that direction, but I fear for her safety. And I would rather take the hit from him than seeing her taking it. Is that awfully stupid of me? I don't know.
Something's ought to be done about the serious tension in my school class... I mean, this could get dangerous, for real. Me and F, and sometimes M as well, are like some kind of warriors in my class. I mean, we do we and won't let anyone change us or put us down. But with someone like him in our class... no, I can't even imagine how dangerous things could get. Like what if he just heard the shit we 3 talk about him when he's hopefully not around? I can just say, that I hope I won't end up in a wheelchair before the end of the term. I'll likely skip some of the end of it though, considering that we do have school all until May 19th, but yeah.
I don't mean to scare you, I just think it might be important for you to know what I'm dealing with when I am the one I am at school. I'm sure I would get a lot of support and help from literally everyone else at school if anything, literally anything would ever happen between me and that guy though. I'm not scared of going there, I'm actually not, but yeah, I do keep my guard up and always trying to remember what I was taught at my karate lessons back 11 and more years ago, just in case the day would come when I would need to fight for my life. I wouldn't hesitate, not for one split second.
I don't mean I wouldn't beat him down, no, I'm trying to remember how to block attacks. And I do remember, I do. Okay I think I need to leave this topic before I actually get scared of going back to school. I do consider F my friend there and I do feel a lot safer when I'm around her at school. But I don't really usually feel exactly scared for my life when she's not around. I know that he's the only, literally the only one that has anything against me there. I'm sure if I'd get into any kind of trouble I could just holler and anyone would come along to be by my side. So even though I have reasons to be scared, I also have reasons to feel safe.
I don't know why I'm telling you this now, please don't worry for me. I might not have been in many situations like this before, but I do feel that as long as anyone else is in the same room as me and him, I'm not really in any danger. But yeah, I do also feel that if he'd actually go after anyone, it would with all likelihood be either me or F. That's fucking scary... shit. Okay I need to be at school in 8 hours from now. I'm not even asleep yet. Obviously.
Now how did I get here? Yeah, letting my own self esteem get so good that assholes like him can't bring me down. He's not making me wear less make-up, but he sure can make me think he might try to beat me down some day. Yes, he can try. I know my moves and I know my friends. Okay, more WoW on this and I might be ready for some sleep. If I even can sleep. I'll just hope my meds and the wine will work together in a charm and I will have forgotten all about this by the morning. Yeah, sounds like a plan.
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
As ready as I can be
I dreamed about my feelings tonight, but in another shape or form. My stomach has been hurting literally all night, it woke me up a dozen of times. It's barely 8:30 in the morning and my thoughts are already spinning.
My drawing is filling in nicely and I will quite soon be done with it. I'm getting dizzy from all the thoughts and feelings that just keep spinning literally non-stop. I don't know why I'm so shocked. It's a positive thing and it should give me positive reactions. It does but it gives me all sorts of reactions. I don't know how to react in a normal way to things similar to this. And I'm shocked because its depth is more advance than it's ever been in the past. Because of what could with all likelihood be true. It's not just what I feel, it's also what I know.
I bought my wine and will indulge in it to one last time go through it all, go through what is still unclear to me and hope for some clarification at the end of the day. But if I won't get any, I'll accept that and go with things how they already are instead. So either way, I'll consider myself done processing later today. I can't keep doing that forever and neither would I want to. I want to tell you like now now now but at the same time I'm a bit scared to. And nervous as fuck.
Yes I am moving closer and though it's what I want I'm also scared of moving too close too fast. But I've prepared you as well as I can now and I hope for the best. You never know, you know, what could happen. I keep thinking about it and I can't let go of the thoughts. I don't really want to either, but they are pretty damn all consuming. I wish to go through, whatever this leads us to, with you. I don't think there's really any other way either.
A new era has begun. I feel it in my heart and soul. Something is changing within me, almost everything feels so new and fresh. Like a warm breeze. I feel so much that I feel empty. Like the thoughts are so many and so wild that it becomes almost like silence, like a white noise, and same with my feelings. Like mixing all colours together until you get no colour at all.
I let the wine fuel my body and fill out the spaces in my blood stream. Just for today, then I'm going to be sober. One last time I'll try to process everything and I'll do that mostly in private notes. I do write my private notes as if I'm already planning on letting you read them someday. I don't want to hide anything, I don't want to hold back anymore. If I'll be too much for you, how can I know? But I just can't see you leaving me, not for this at least. I really don't think so, but I can't control my fears. They're there, and I accept their presence. But I won't let them rule me either.
I rule me and nothing else. And I find myself listening to your playlist on tumblr for the first time ever, as I just restarted my computer and it started playing before I had the chance to open up Spotify. So I thought why not, and that it was a perfect time for it. Why haven't I listened to it before? I ask myself but all I see is confusion. I don't know why. I really do like the songs so far, and I've just gotten to the third one.
I just casually realised that I haven't shared or talked much about the more alternative type of music that I listen to, and now, having it in front of me, I can list all of the German music artists/groups that I like listening to: Leaether Strip, Funker Vogt, Absurd Minds, Front 242, Schwarzblut, Dance or Die, FGFC820 as well as Blutengel and Tokio Hotel. Or, I'm just assuming that they're all German because they've all made songs sung in German.
It makes me also wonder, how much Russian music you might have listened to? I find myself really liking a band called DDT and Mymi Troll or I think that's how you pronounce it cause I can't really write it in Cyrillic. They're both a bit weird, but I find their music comforting somehow. I'd say that DDT is alternative rock-ish? and that Mymi Troll is more just some kind of alternative I don't even know what. They make calmer songs, but it's hard to describe cause I kinda actually forgot them and now Spotify don't have them anymore.
Oh, is that an accordion that I hear? I know it may sound weird but I totally love that musical instrument, mainly because my grandfather on my father's side used to play it to me when I was very young. I remember he was very good at it and I do remember him with warmth in my heart although I never got to know him before he passed away when I was at the age of around 5. He was the one of all my grandparents that I liked the most. I also had a classmate back in upper high school, or "gymnasium" who was also skilled with that instrument and I was completely stunned by it when he played it for me and a few other classmates at a reunion a bunch of years ago. So stunned that I found no words. I'm still in contact with him today (well somewhat) and he is a really nice and truly one of those "good" people. I haven't seen him for a long time though.
I need to figure out how I came to this realisation. I'll read my blog post from April 1st again and my first poem that is about this. I'll do that now, before I get too drunk. Yes, okay I don't know if being drunk could actually help at all. I sincerely doubt it. I'll just stop drinking and save the rest of the wine. This was stupid. Now I need to sober up cause I need to talk to you.
Okay I took another nap and now I'm finally sobering up again. For the first time ever I think I actually regret getting drunk in the first place. It was a stupid idea and how exactly did I think it would help? I'm as ready as I can be, and, I hope you are too. So yes, any time from now would be a good time for me to talk. I'll leave it up to you to decide when we should talk, when you're ready too.
My drawing is filling in nicely and I will quite soon be done with it. I'm getting dizzy from all the thoughts and feelings that just keep spinning literally non-stop. I don't know why I'm so shocked. It's a positive thing and it should give me positive reactions. It does but it gives me all sorts of reactions. I don't know how to react in a normal way to things similar to this. And I'm shocked because its depth is more advance than it's ever been in the past. Because of what could with all likelihood be true. It's not just what I feel, it's also what I know.
I bought my wine and will indulge in it to one last time go through it all, go through what is still unclear to me and hope for some clarification at the end of the day. But if I won't get any, I'll accept that and go with things how they already are instead. So either way, I'll consider myself done processing later today. I can't keep doing that forever and neither would I want to. I want to tell you like now now now but at the same time I'm a bit scared to. And nervous as fuck.
Yes I am moving closer and though it's what I want I'm also scared of moving too close too fast. But I've prepared you as well as I can now and I hope for the best. You never know, you know, what could happen. I keep thinking about it and I can't let go of the thoughts. I don't really want to either, but they are pretty damn all consuming. I wish to go through, whatever this leads us to, with you. I don't think there's really any other way either.
A new era has begun. I feel it in my heart and soul. Something is changing within me, almost everything feels so new and fresh. Like a warm breeze. I feel so much that I feel empty. Like the thoughts are so many and so wild that it becomes almost like silence, like a white noise, and same with my feelings. Like mixing all colours together until you get no colour at all.
I let the wine fuel my body and fill out the spaces in my blood stream. Just for today, then I'm going to be sober. One last time I'll try to process everything and I'll do that mostly in private notes. I do write my private notes as if I'm already planning on letting you read them someday. I don't want to hide anything, I don't want to hold back anymore. If I'll be too much for you, how can I know? But I just can't see you leaving me, not for this at least. I really don't think so, but I can't control my fears. They're there, and I accept their presence. But I won't let them rule me either.
I rule me and nothing else. And I find myself listening to your playlist on tumblr for the first time ever, as I just restarted my computer and it started playing before I had the chance to open up Spotify. So I thought why not, and that it was a perfect time for it. Why haven't I listened to it before? I ask myself but all I see is confusion. I don't know why. I really do like the songs so far, and I've just gotten to the third one.
I just casually realised that I haven't shared or talked much about the more alternative type of music that I listen to, and now, having it in front of me, I can list all of the German music artists/groups that I like listening to: Leaether Strip, Funker Vogt, Absurd Minds, Front 242, Schwarzblut, Dance or Die, FGFC820 as well as Blutengel and Tokio Hotel. Or, I'm just assuming that they're all German because they've all made songs sung in German.
It makes me also wonder, how much Russian music you might have listened to? I find myself really liking a band called DDT and Mymi Troll or I think that's how you pronounce it cause I can't really write it in Cyrillic. They're both a bit weird, but I find their music comforting somehow. I'd say that DDT is alternative rock-ish? and that Mymi Troll is more just some kind of alternative I don't even know what. They make calmer songs, but it's hard to describe cause I kinda actually forgot them and now Spotify don't have them anymore.
Oh, is that an accordion that I hear? I know it may sound weird but I totally love that musical instrument, mainly because my grandfather on my father's side used to play it to me when I was very young. I remember he was very good at it and I do remember him with warmth in my heart although I never got to know him before he passed away when I was at the age of around 5. He was the one of all my grandparents that I liked the most. I also had a classmate back in upper high school, or "gymnasium" who was also skilled with that instrument and I was completely stunned by it when he played it for me and a few other classmates at a reunion a bunch of years ago. So stunned that I found no words. I'm still in contact with him today (well somewhat) and he is a really nice and truly one of those "good" people. I haven't seen him for a long time though.
I need to figure out how I came to this realisation. I'll read my blog post from April 1st again and my first poem that is about this. I'll do that now, before I get too drunk. Yes, okay I don't know if being drunk could actually help at all. I sincerely doubt it. I'll just stop drinking and save the rest of the wine. This was stupid. Now I need to sober up cause I need to talk to you.
Okay I took another nap and now I'm finally sobering up again. For the first time ever I think I actually regret getting drunk in the first place. It was a stupid idea and how exactly did I think it would help? I'm as ready as I can be, and, I hope you are too. So yes, any time from now would be a good time for me to talk. I'll leave it up to you to decide when we should talk, when you're ready too.
Familiar yet new
I seem to be incapable of writing a poem that I feel I can post somewhere at this point. My mind and heart are running on one track and it's not for the entire world to know yet. I can barely contain myself, I'm ecstatic and scared at the same time. For me, I don't think it could have had a better timing, but then it's not just about me.
It's been overwhelming for days now. I couldn't focus at school and now I can't focus on my drawing, on WoW and when I eat I can't focus on my food. I forget my coffee until it gets cold all the time. Yeah I know these symptoms aren't exactly rare for me, but I feel it's different this time. I quiver in my shell.
I can't even sit still. I can't collect my thoughts and turn them into text. I guess this is normal though. I will most likely continue being far more emotional than analytical for quite a while longer, if I know myself right. But I can't even describe my emotions without going into too much detail. I feel as though I'm trying to understand something that is too great, too strong, too complicated to grasp.
I can't deny what I believe... and why should I? It's all coming back to me now... I still shake my head unable to grasp... the concept of it all. I try to keep doing what I usually do, but I end up just staring into the air with the chaos tumbling within me and it's literally all that I can focus on. Yet, my focus isn't clear, because I can't understand it. Do I even have to at this point? I believe this is something I simply cannot figure out on my own.
I can't add more right now. I need to sleep, or try to at least.
It's been overwhelming for days now. I couldn't focus at school and now I can't focus on my drawing, on WoW and when I eat I can't focus on my food. I forget my coffee until it gets cold all the time. Yeah I know these symptoms aren't exactly rare for me, but I feel it's different this time. I quiver in my shell.
I can't even sit still. I can't collect my thoughts and turn them into text. I guess this is normal though. I will most likely continue being far more emotional than analytical for quite a while longer, if I know myself right. But I can't even describe my emotions without going into too much detail. I feel as though I'm trying to understand something that is too great, too strong, too complicated to grasp.
I can't deny what I believe... and why should I? It's all coming back to me now... I still shake my head unable to grasp... the concept of it all. I try to keep doing what I usually do, but I end up just staring into the air with the chaos tumbling within me and it's literally all that I can focus on. Yet, my focus isn't clear, because I can't understand it. Do I even have to at this point? I believe this is something I simply cannot figure out on my own.
I can't add more right now. I need to sleep, or try to at least.
Monday, 4 April 2016
Ranting
I cry again, shiver again and feel the shock waves within me as I think and write down everything that comes to my mind. I wish I had some cake, I wish I had some wine. Maybe getting drunk could clear my head a bit? It's a thought. Put a soft shimmer on the rough edges, smooth out the surface. Make it easier to process things.
Maybe I'll buy some wine after school tomorrow. I can't focus on anything at all. Everything is so blurry at this point. I try to clear up the mist but I'm not sure if it's working. I try to form words but can't find the right ones.
I found a matte deep purple nail polish in my mess while cleaning up my apartment a couple of weeks ago, so now that I've cut down my long nails (they were a pain in the ass to maintain, so fuck it) I painted it onto them as well. It's so deep that it almost looks black. I do have a regular shiny deep purple nail polish as well, and if I had the energy I guess I could create some really neat effects with the combination of the shiny and the matte one. I think it's gonna look good together with my purple velvet coat as well, so I'm thinking of wearing it at school tomorrow.
I'm trying to distract myself a bit with world of warcraft but my mind just isn't even in it. Got a level 27 balance druid to level 29 and switched her to feral instead. Back and forth between balance and feral, I'm incapable of making up my mind when it comes to that particular character. And I'm always hesitant to create new worgen cause their starting zone is so tedious.
Damn, I find myself ranting nail polish and WoW characters as if that's interesting to anyone but myself. I'm so restless and I can't think straight, I can't really do anything other than drown in my thoughts and feelings. No they're not bringing me down into the darkness again, they're bringing me someplace else. Someplace new.
I'm so tired, I think I'm gonna sleep soon, if my damn nails would just dry sometime.
Maybe I'll buy some wine after school tomorrow. I can't focus on anything at all. Everything is so blurry at this point. I try to clear up the mist but I'm not sure if it's working. I try to form words but can't find the right ones.
I found a matte deep purple nail polish in my mess while cleaning up my apartment a couple of weeks ago, so now that I've cut down my long nails (they were a pain in the ass to maintain, so fuck it) I painted it onto them as well. It's so deep that it almost looks black. I do have a regular shiny deep purple nail polish as well, and if I had the energy I guess I could create some really neat effects with the combination of the shiny and the matte one. I think it's gonna look good together with my purple velvet coat as well, so I'm thinking of wearing it at school tomorrow.
I'm trying to distract myself a bit with world of warcraft but my mind just isn't even in it. Got a level 27 balance druid to level 29 and switched her to feral instead. Back and forth between balance and feral, I'm incapable of making up my mind when it comes to that particular character. And I'm always hesitant to create new worgen cause their starting zone is so tedious.
Damn, I find myself ranting nail polish and WoW characters as if that's interesting to anyone but myself. I'm so restless and I can't think straight, I can't really do anything other than drown in my thoughts and feelings. No they're not bringing me down into the darkness again, they're bringing me someplace else. Someplace new.
I'm so tired, I think I'm gonna sleep soon, if my damn nails would just dry sometime.
Sunday, 3 April 2016
After-thoughts
I think I needed to doubt and hesitate a lot. That it wouldn't feel right if I had realised things a lot earlier. I might not even have believed it. I try to draw but my mind wanders and it's hard to focus on the ink on the paper. I keep wanting to release the air within me but breathing out is not enough. Not even after holding my breath for a few seconds first. Cause I keep forgetting to breathe. It's getting more difficult, to have these thoughts and feelings now.
I'm still overwhelmed, shocked. The tears seem to have dried though. Mostly I'm just having troubles with my breathing and I have to smoke a lot. More than usually, that is. Or I'm just clutching at my cigarettes more than usually, as I think actually increasing my consumption is not even possible anymore.
I feel it twisting and turning within me. I'm restless and it's hard to think in the masses of thoughts. They seem to attack me randomly and most of them don't make much sense. Incomplete sentences. My heart is a complete mess by now. But I'm pretty used to it being that way, so whatever. Now I'm getting dizzy too. Trying to focus on my drawing but it's getting all the more difficult.
Damn, I'm so sitting here right now with my heart slightly pounding more than usually while honestly considering telling tumblr about that I'm trans and plan to have a child in the future. But I just can't. Perhaps I should reconsider and think about it for a moment or two and not just do it on a whim? I know I can be impulsive, and my impulsion is something that I constantly have to consciously think about and reason with. Sometimes I forget though, perhaps you've noticed.
Like what would I even say? How much detail would I be comfortable with giving out? I might have to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. Oh god I can't escape the fact that I hate coming out, no matter what. It's fairly okay if it's someone I feel safe with, like if I know they're gonna accept me nonetheless, but random people? Ahaha... nope. And especially internet can be so god damn... shitty, sometimes. But I hate being stealth and I don't want to be that anymore.
I just don't like keeping important information about myself from people that I care about. And as for tumblr, I just want to be able to write freely about my dreams and struggles there. The few on tumblr that I know in real life (3 people) already know about me being trans though. It's just the other 383 of my followers and the rest of tumblr that don't know. Yeah, this should be easy peasy...
Okay I wrote the text but I need to think about it some more before I can decide whether to post it or not. Nah, maybe tomorrow. I need to sleep on it. So I just showered and I just managed to eat dinner while only wearing underwear without being too disgusted by my body. I'd call that some progress. I'll continue processing things tomorrow. Maybe then the shock has gotten calmer, I don't know.
I'm still overwhelmed, shocked. The tears seem to have dried though. Mostly I'm just having troubles with my breathing and I have to smoke a lot. More than usually, that is. Or I'm just clutching at my cigarettes more than usually, as I think actually increasing my consumption is not even possible anymore.
I feel it twisting and turning within me. I'm restless and it's hard to think in the masses of thoughts. They seem to attack me randomly and most of them don't make much sense. Incomplete sentences. My heart is a complete mess by now. But I'm pretty used to it being that way, so whatever. Now I'm getting dizzy too. Trying to focus on my drawing but it's getting all the more difficult.
Damn, I'm so sitting here right now with my heart slightly pounding more than usually while honestly considering telling tumblr about that I'm trans and plan to have a child in the future. But I just can't. Perhaps I should reconsider and think about it for a moment or two and not just do it on a whim? I know I can be impulsive, and my impulsion is something that I constantly have to consciously think about and reason with. Sometimes I forget though, perhaps you've noticed.
Like what would I even say? How much detail would I be comfortable with giving out? I might have to step out of my comfort zone a little bit. Oh god I can't escape the fact that I hate coming out, no matter what. It's fairly okay if it's someone I feel safe with, like if I know they're gonna accept me nonetheless, but random people? Ahaha... nope. And especially internet can be so god damn... shitty, sometimes. But I hate being stealth and I don't want to be that anymore.
I just don't like keeping important information about myself from people that I care about. And as for tumblr, I just want to be able to write freely about my dreams and struggles there. The few on tumblr that I know in real life (3 people) already know about me being trans though. It's just the other 383 of my followers and the rest of tumblr that don't know. Yeah, this should be easy peasy...
Okay I wrote the text but I need to think about it some more before I can decide whether to post it or not. Nah, maybe tomorrow. I need to sleep on it. So I just showered and I just managed to eat dinner while only wearing underwear without being too disgusted by my body. I'd call that some progress. I'll continue processing things tomorrow. Maybe then the shock has gotten calmer, I don't know.
Friday, 1 April 2016
Slowly solving the war
I just started yet another drawing of Caspian, about an hour ago. Judging by my most recent new drawing skills, it's not turning out very good and I don't know why. It could still, possibly, be better looking than my previous drawings of him, as this one might be a tad more realistic and all the other ones are made with black lines. I listen to my playlist on Spotify with songs that all remind me of Dala and Caspian.
I know I don't often write about her, but it just suddenly struck me how similar my best friend sometimes can be to the dragon I had as companion back in Dala. I mean personality wise, in just some ways. I don't really think there is any reincarnation involved with those two, it could just be a coincidence.
I still think a lot about Caspian. It's just that my thoughts are so clumsy and distant about him and everything regarding him these days. I guess... I'm so scared of making a mistake that I hesitate and hesitate. I draw those thoughts back and try to sort them out before I utter them. Like they're so chaotic. The thoughts seem to stem from somewhere deep in my core where it's usually very messy. Thoughts from my soul, or just really deep in my mind. I don't know if any soul can actually create thoughts that way. I don't know much about souls.
Just that they seem to be infinite, immortal, can travel through space and time, and can apparently be stuffed into different types of bodies on their journeys. I don't think they're a fixed mass but sometimes it feels like the part of my soul that I'm carrying with me in this life is more or less fixed, except that it at the same time feels very scattered and split into parts, like it's literally all over the place. With just a small part that I'm even aware of, and then Anna is aware of another part of it, and the rest is a mystery.
So that's sort of just about all that I've figured out about souls and what they could possibly be. I don't even know if they're made of energy or magic or something else. In my own pretty unstable belief, energy and magic are two different things that could clash or work in harmony with each other. To me, magic is as natural as anything else that is commonly viewed as natural.
Now I don't truly believe that this world completely lacks magic, believe me it would be even duller then. No, I do think there's some, rather minuscule, amount of magic in it. Like half hidden in its corners. I do not know to what extent I could take my own magic powers yet, but I know they're not completely gone.
I can feel the weight of the memories. The burden that comes with carrying them in my soul. I never told you this, but I stopped feeling what I would describe as the presence of Caspian, just a few months before you came into my life. Is that a sign? I thought he had abandoned me, but maybe I couldn't be more wrong. I don't know. This is the war, the conflict within me, that some parts of me cannot accept what you once told me. It's still ripping and tearing, but not as violently as before.
I notice that I'm feeling warmer around you lately. Like... it's hard to describe, but just a genuine warmth whenever we talk and such. Worth mentioning is that it's hard for me usually, to feel that I miss a person when we haven't spoken for a while, but I do miss you quite a bit and it doesn't usually take that long either. I don't know exactly what this means, but I think I'm sort of letting go of the war, its hold on me. Like, playing with a thought, I don't know. I don't know how much it's alright for me to say here, although I'm pretty sure you're the only one reading this blog of mine these days.
I never felt abandoned, never truly, by Caspian. It's more like I've always felt that he's still around somehow, watching over me, keeping an eye on me. I wish I could remember more about him, how he was as a person back in Dala, then maybe there wouldn't be a war within me now. But so much went lost when I was born here, and further into my childhood as well. I can only remember fragments of my past life. Fragments from an eternity. That's very, very little.
I feel as though some part of my subconscious mind might be keeping me from remembering more, in some annoying way of protecting me from something that might possibly hurt if I could suddenly remember it. I'm still awfully curious about how I died there, but I think I was murdered, or executed. It makes the most sense when I think about my last memory from Dala. And that Caspian saw it, that he saw me die. And I guess, though it is just a guess, that something like that could make him forget his own memories if he was in fact reincarnated too.
This is something that I just thought about, it's only theories and I could be wrong, but all I have to go after is my own fear and Caspian's eyes in the last memory that I have. It's not much, but I might be on my way to find out more. I hope so. But oh, one more thing, is that my belief is that once memories are lost, for whatever reason, I don't think that they can ever be lost forever. That they're still there, just hidden where one can't reach them yet. So, if there are in fact memories that have been lost, I'm certain they will come back when one is ready for it.
I wonder if humans could ever understand wanting something truly precious gone, just because the burden of carrying it is too painful? It just hit me when I thought of a time when I was really down and my contact person of the crew talked to me and for some reason I got into talking about Dala. I couldn't make her understand that at that point remembering my paradise was not something that I wanted. For long I believed that my memories brought a lot more despair than comfort. That they were a curse. To have lost something so amazing, it made me wish it had never happened in the first place.
However I don't really feel like that anymore. For the past couple of years or so, I've been wanting to remember more, rather than less. I still do curse my memories from time to time, cause sometimes they still manage to make feel miserable. But it's not them truly causing my misery, no, it's the complete opposite, it's this world's memories that are causing the misery. The contrast between them is so immense that thinking about Dala is a little like being blinded by direct sunlight after you've been dwelling in darkness for a month.
Of course not everything was perfect in Dala, but things simply worked in harmony in a way things literally never seem to do here. Here things clash and I crash and burn and then I do it all over again. There I soared through the air on my wings and bent matter to my will as if it was completely effortless. Although I do actually remember the back pain after long flights, and doing magic does drain you. But I was just so different there, I was confident, laughed it off if someone said something stupid or ignorant, I walked tall and proud and wouldn't let anything get me down. That's the demon prince about me that I truly miss. I miss that pride and confidence, that undying self love and feeling like I owned the place.
I think that's what got to me in the end though, that I was a tad too confident and maybe thought I owned the place a bit too much. I know I was both loved and hated in Dala. To me it was Heaven, but I do have a sensation that those that didn't like me there, might not have felt the same way. As I left Dala and came into this life, I still carried like remnants of my old self with me. Although I had it a bit confused by this fairly new body of mine and said I was a princess instead of a prince. I spoke the Dalarian language (as I use to call it) but everyone thought it was just nonsense. I was still convinced that telepathy was a way of communicating until I found out that's not the case here on Earth.
I was very proud, acted like I was some kind of royal even though I hardly was. This I can't remember all that much of anymore, it's mostly what I've been told was going on with me when I was still very young. I thought I was still in Dala for some reason. I believe it so deeply that however I did die back in Dala, it disrupted me immensely. So much that it blurred the line, the border, between the two lives. Adjusting to being human here on Earth... I never succeeded with completely. I still feel as though I'm in some kind of dream and I'm about to wake up in Dala and that this life isn't even real. It feels like one of those lucid dreams I have when I'm close to the surface in my sleep. My whole life literally feels like that.
It's not just a feeling of alienation and of not belonging, it doesn't even feel real. I don't think it ever will. I'm an adult now, I don't think things are gonna change much in that aspect. However, I started losing my old self around the time when the bullying at school was the worst, somewhere between age 7 and 9. That was when I gradually stopped believing that I would come back to Dala again the easy way. By just closing my eyes or making myself wake up, I mean. I started slowly believing in the new reality that I had been thrown into.
It took years. Years of bullying and abuse before I started connecting. But I disconnected at the same time, as I got torn apart when Anna came along. I developed traits of various mental illnesses and in a way, I think I became more human. I know that why I never liked being human is because it was something that was forced upon me. I don't know, if seeking revenge when or if I get back to Dala would be such a good idea, for what they did to me. I am sure that I did not choose this life, not freely at least. No amount of curiosity would ever bring me here. None.
I think something or someone brought me here against my will, and that either Caspian could have been brought here too, or that he followed me here. Though that I'm certainly not sure about. Somehow, I'm not scared of my own thoughts and feelings lately. They're not so foreign anymore. Oh my god... another "Narnia" reference... the endless winter in my soul that is finally slowly turning into spring. Why so much Narnia stuff related to Dala and my soul? Well, just two things, but still.
Fuck, I just wrote a poem and I'm literally crying right now. I think I accidentally might have untied a knot or two in that war within me. Things look clearer and I'm not afraid. I'm scared to post that poem though, I might be revealing too much and way too soon. I don't want to overwhelm you. I'm overwhelming myself. But now I really think this spring might... change things. I had no idea I would just suddenly solve so much of that inner conflict and I had no idea it would take the direction that it took. Oh my god we so have to talk about this but don't think I could handle it just yet.
Although, come to think of it, I should have known something was about to change within me already that early morning right after our conversation, as I went to sleep, but I didn't. I didn't know anything until now. Not before it fucking smacked me in the face. Sometimes I think I can be a bit slow. And the Swedish word "trögfattad" comes to mind but I have no idea how to translate it. Okay, "thick" was the word the dictionary gave me. It would be a sort of more demeaning word than "stupid" but close enough, I guess.
Where was I? I'm getting side-tracked cause I'm overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but in like a shocking and not really getting it kind of way. But I do get it. I'm just gonna switch from emotional to going analytical and try to sort this out. I have much, much work to do. But I do thank my subconscious for the realisation, I don't think it came too early for me, but perhaps too early for us. I'll hold on to the poem for a little while, until it feels right to let you, or anyone, read it. I don't mean to keep it secret forever. But it just happens to be, that my realisation came right when I was writing it. In the middle. Without much warning. So I think it's indeed a really important poem.
I don't know what to do right now. I keep shifting between crying and shivering but it's not sad tears at all. It's just very much right now. I feel though, maybe you'll have a sensation you know what this is about concerning what I've written leading up to the realisation. You've always been really good at reading between the lines of what I write and I don't intend to truly keep this from you. I guess I'm being subtle and hinting like fuck cause I'm holding back information yet I'm so eager to let you know. A little too eager maybe. I wouldn't be able to fully explain myself much more beyond this at this point. My words are as vague as my thoughts, but my feelings... damn they're not being vague at all.
They're pretty chaotic right now, and I won't try to calm them down, but rather just give them some time and space while I try to sort this all out. Some of that war is still ongoing within me, but it's much less of it left now. I'm crying again. Damn. The tears don't really manage to run over the edge but I know they're there. I just sit here while I notice all of this changing my thoughts and feelings radically. I'm so confused right now. It's too early to say anything, what if it's not even real and I'll go back to my strong doubts again in a few hours or by tomorrow morning? I'd feel pretty dumb and horrible having posted this text then.
Woah, so much has changed within me just this past month, it's hard for me to believe it. First realising and deciding that I want a child, then deciding to move back to Uppsala and now this. The ground is shaking beneath me, yet it's never felt more firm. I believe with my new sudden will to live, other things changed within me as well, as a result of that. I'm no longer cloaked by the darkness that used to drown me so much before. It's getting warmer, not just outside of my window, but within my soul as well. I've long said that it's winter in my soul, and I've felt that for at least the past 4 or 5 years now, but now it feels like the ice is melting, and I have so much to look forward to.
I know I don't often write about her, but it just suddenly struck me how similar my best friend sometimes can be to the dragon I had as companion back in Dala. I mean personality wise, in just some ways. I don't really think there is any reincarnation involved with those two, it could just be a coincidence.
I still think a lot about Caspian. It's just that my thoughts are so clumsy and distant about him and everything regarding him these days. I guess... I'm so scared of making a mistake that I hesitate and hesitate. I draw those thoughts back and try to sort them out before I utter them. Like they're so chaotic. The thoughts seem to stem from somewhere deep in my core where it's usually very messy. Thoughts from my soul, or just really deep in my mind. I don't know if any soul can actually create thoughts that way. I don't know much about souls.
Just that they seem to be infinite, immortal, can travel through space and time, and can apparently be stuffed into different types of bodies on their journeys. I don't think they're a fixed mass but sometimes it feels like the part of my soul that I'm carrying with me in this life is more or less fixed, except that it at the same time feels very scattered and split into parts, like it's literally all over the place. With just a small part that I'm even aware of, and then Anna is aware of another part of it, and the rest is a mystery.
So that's sort of just about all that I've figured out about souls and what they could possibly be. I don't even know if they're made of energy or magic or something else. In my own pretty unstable belief, energy and magic are two different things that could clash or work in harmony with each other. To me, magic is as natural as anything else that is commonly viewed as natural.
Now I don't truly believe that this world completely lacks magic, believe me it would be even duller then. No, I do think there's some, rather minuscule, amount of magic in it. Like half hidden in its corners. I do not know to what extent I could take my own magic powers yet, but I know they're not completely gone.
I can feel the weight of the memories. The burden that comes with carrying them in my soul. I never told you this, but I stopped feeling what I would describe as the presence of Caspian, just a few months before you came into my life. Is that a sign? I thought he had abandoned me, but maybe I couldn't be more wrong. I don't know. This is the war, the conflict within me, that some parts of me cannot accept what you once told me. It's still ripping and tearing, but not as violently as before.
I notice that I'm feeling warmer around you lately. Like... it's hard to describe, but just a genuine warmth whenever we talk and such. Worth mentioning is that it's hard for me usually, to feel that I miss a person when we haven't spoken for a while, but I do miss you quite a bit and it doesn't usually take that long either. I don't know exactly what this means, but I think I'm sort of letting go of the war, its hold on me. Like, playing with a thought, I don't know. I don't know how much it's alright for me to say here, although I'm pretty sure you're the only one reading this blog of mine these days.
I never felt abandoned, never truly, by Caspian. It's more like I've always felt that he's still around somehow, watching over me, keeping an eye on me. I wish I could remember more about him, how he was as a person back in Dala, then maybe there wouldn't be a war within me now. But so much went lost when I was born here, and further into my childhood as well. I can only remember fragments of my past life. Fragments from an eternity. That's very, very little.
I feel as though some part of my subconscious mind might be keeping me from remembering more, in some annoying way of protecting me from something that might possibly hurt if I could suddenly remember it. I'm still awfully curious about how I died there, but I think I was murdered, or executed. It makes the most sense when I think about my last memory from Dala. And that Caspian saw it, that he saw me die. And I guess, though it is just a guess, that something like that could make him forget his own memories if he was in fact reincarnated too.
This is something that I just thought about, it's only theories and I could be wrong, but all I have to go after is my own fear and Caspian's eyes in the last memory that I have. It's not much, but I might be on my way to find out more. I hope so. But oh, one more thing, is that my belief is that once memories are lost, for whatever reason, I don't think that they can ever be lost forever. That they're still there, just hidden where one can't reach them yet. So, if there are in fact memories that have been lost, I'm certain they will come back when one is ready for it.
I wonder if humans could ever understand wanting something truly precious gone, just because the burden of carrying it is too painful? It just hit me when I thought of a time when I was really down and my contact person of the crew talked to me and for some reason I got into talking about Dala. I couldn't make her understand that at that point remembering my paradise was not something that I wanted. For long I believed that my memories brought a lot more despair than comfort. That they were a curse. To have lost something so amazing, it made me wish it had never happened in the first place.
However I don't really feel like that anymore. For the past couple of years or so, I've been wanting to remember more, rather than less. I still do curse my memories from time to time, cause sometimes they still manage to make feel miserable. But it's not them truly causing my misery, no, it's the complete opposite, it's this world's memories that are causing the misery. The contrast between them is so immense that thinking about Dala is a little like being blinded by direct sunlight after you've been dwelling in darkness for a month.
Of course not everything was perfect in Dala, but things simply worked in harmony in a way things literally never seem to do here. Here things clash and I crash and burn and then I do it all over again. There I soared through the air on my wings and bent matter to my will as if it was completely effortless. Although I do actually remember the back pain after long flights, and doing magic does drain you. But I was just so different there, I was confident, laughed it off if someone said something stupid or ignorant, I walked tall and proud and wouldn't let anything get me down. That's the demon prince about me that I truly miss. I miss that pride and confidence, that undying self love and feeling like I owned the place.
I think that's what got to me in the end though, that I was a tad too confident and maybe thought I owned the place a bit too much. I know I was both loved and hated in Dala. To me it was Heaven, but I do have a sensation that those that didn't like me there, might not have felt the same way. As I left Dala and came into this life, I still carried like remnants of my old self with me. Although I had it a bit confused by this fairly new body of mine and said I was a princess instead of a prince. I spoke the Dalarian language (as I use to call it) but everyone thought it was just nonsense. I was still convinced that telepathy was a way of communicating until I found out that's not the case here on Earth.
I was very proud, acted like I was some kind of royal even though I hardly was. This I can't remember all that much of anymore, it's mostly what I've been told was going on with me when I was still very young. I thought I was still in Dala for some reason. I believe it so deeply that however I did die back in Dala, it disrupted me immensely. So much that it blurred the line, the border, between the two lives. Adjusting to being human here on Earth... I never succeeded with completely. I still feel as though I'm in some kind of dream and I'm about to wake up in Dala and that this life isn't even real. It feels like one of those lucid dreams I have when I'm close to the surface in my sleep. My whole life literally feels like that.
It's not just a feeling of alienation and of not belonging, it doesn't even feel real. I don't think it ever will. I'm an adult now, I don't think things are gonna change much in that aspect. However, I started losing my old self around the time when the bullying at school was the worst, somewhere between age 7 and 9. That was when I gradually stopped believing that I would come back to Dala again the easy way. By just closing my eyes or making myself wake up, I mean. I started slowly believing in the new reality that I had been thrown into.
It took years. Years of bullying and abuse before I started connecting. But I disconnected at the same time, as I got torn apart when Anna came along. I developed traits of various mental illnesses and in a way, I think I became more human. I know that why I never liked being human is because it was something that was forced upon me. I don't know, if seeking revenge when or if I get back to Dala would be such a good idea, for what they did to me. I am sure that I did not choose this life, not freely at least. No amount of curiosity would ever bring me here. None.
I think something or someone brought me here against my will, and that either Caspian could have been brought here too, or that he followed me here. Though that I'm certainly not sure about. Somehow, I'm not scared of my own thoughts and feelings lately. They're not so foreign anymore. Oh my god... another "Narnia" reference... the endless winter in my soul that is finally slowly turning into spring. Why so much Narnia stuff related to Dala and my soul? Well, just two things, but still.
Fuck, I just wrote a poem and I'm literally crying right now. I think I accidentally might have untied a knot or two in that war within me. Things look clearer and I'm not afraid. I'm scared to post that poem though, I might be revealing too much and way too soon. I don't want to overwhelm you. I'm overwhelming myself. But now I really think this spring might... change things. I had no idea I would just suddenly solve so much of that inner conflict and I had no idea it would take the direction that it took. Oh my god we so have to talk about this but don't think I could handle it just yet.
Although, come to think of it, I should have known something was about to change within me already that early morning right after our conversation, as I went to sleep, but I didn't. I didn't know anything until now. Not before it fucking smacked me in the face. Sometimes I think I can be a bit slow. And the Swedish word "trögfattad" comes to mind but I have no idea how to translate it. Okay, "thick" was the word the dictionary gave me. It would be a sort of more demeaning word than "stupid" but close enough, I guess.
Where was I? I'm getting side-tracked cause I'm overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but in like a shocking and not really getting it kind of way. But I do get it. I'm just gonna switch from emotional to going analytical and try to sort this out. I have much, much work to do. But I do thank my subconscious for the realisation, I don't think it came too early for me, but perhaps too early for us. I'll hold on to the poem for a little while, until it feels right to let you, or anyone, read it. I don't mean to keep it secret forever. But it just happens to be, that my realisation came right when I was writing it. In the middle. Without much warning. So I think it's indeed a really important poem.
I don't know what to do right now. I keep shifting between crying and shivering but it's not sad tears at all. It's just very much right now. I feel though, maybe you'll have a sensation you know what this is about concerning what I've written leading up to the realisation. You've always been really good at reading between the lines of what I write and I don't intend to truly keep this from you. I guess I'm being subtle and hinting like fuck cause I'm holding back information yet I'm so eager to let you know. A little too eager maybe. I wouldn't be able to fully explain myself much more beyond this at this point. My words are as vague as my thoughts, but my feelings... damn they're not being vague at all.
They're pretty chaotic right now, and I won't try to calm them down, but rather just give them some time and space while I try to sort this all out. Some of that war is still ongoing within me, but it's much less of it left now. I'm crying again. Damn. The tears don't really manage to run over the edge but I know they're there. I just sit here while I notice all of this changing my thoughts and feelings radically. I'm so confused right now. It's too early to say anything, what if it's not even real and I'll go back to my strong doubts again in a few hours or by tomorrow morning? I'd feel pretty dumb and horrible having posted this text then.
Woah, so much has changed within me just this past month, it's hard for me to believe it. First realising and deciding that I want a child, then deciding to move back to Uppsala and now this. The ground is shaking beneath me, yet it's never felt more firm. I believe with my new sudden will to live, other things changed within me as well, as a result of that. I'm no longer cloaked by the darkness that used to drown me so much before. It's getting warmer, not just outside of my window, but within my soul as well. I've long said that it's winter in my soul, and I've felt that for at least the past 4 or 5 years now, but now it feels like the ice is melting, and I have so much to look forward to.
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