Pessimystic

Damn you mind, why did I have to get extreme lack of appetite over the Christmas holiday? I think I've even lost some weight. Cause all of a sudden my favourite hoodie seems two sizes too big. I really know how to complain about everything, don't I? I want to lose weight, but I also want to indulge a little in the end of December.

Today I'm quite a mess. Couldn't sleep at all tonight, so I've been awake for around 26 hours and the last time I ate something was around 6 or 7 last night. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to starve myself, I just don't try to eat either.

I try to listen to my body, somewhat. I look at the time and say to myself "I should eat something" but then I try to figure out if I can go on a little longer without food. And usually I can. I'm just very lazy really. Too much effort to fix food, even just smearing butter on a piece of bread.

And then it's the thing that I don't know what to do while I'm eating. Can't play WoW, draw, write or anything really. I so hate just sitting on my ass and chew on something more or less boring until I stop only because it's too damn boring.

Hah, I bet you could compare me with the starving children in Africa now. That I have a fridge packed with food but I rather go hours and hours without eating because it's boring. But it's always been like that with me. I don't take these things for granted, and I hate being bound to always, every day for the rest of my life eat, sleep, wake up, going to the loo, and so on. Those basic needs. I'm just so fucking tired of doing them, and I wish I didn't have to.

I'm one of those few pessimists who compares eating with cleaning the house. Like: why should I clean the house when it gets dirty the next day anyway? And I'm like: why should I eat when my stomach always becomes empty again? It's like trying to fill a god damn black hole. Argh.. enough complaining for now.

*Title is from a song by Alice Cooper.

Restless

I'm restless. As if I've forgot something but I don't know what it is, and I can't find peace because of it. I think I need to find out what it is on order to be able to fall asleep.

I haven't done much of anything this last week. Only played WoW and scribbled and doodled in my diary. It's like I've almost completely moved in to Azeroth and I prefer to stay there.

The thoughts of him makes it hard to think clear. He's still on my mind every day and some nights. Even when I'm asleep. He haunts me in my dreams, he haunts my mind when I'm awake.

It's so weird, when I was in Stockholm over the day a few weeks ago, I could feel his presence. Like I just knew he was close, even if it was several miles between us, I didn't know. But it was as if the fact that I was closer to him than here on this forsaken island, made a strong impression on me. Almost like I could feel his aura.

Yeah, I believe in auras. I can even see them. If the person is a very strong individual, someone who knows pain and got stronger because of it. Whatever they endured. They don't have to be wise or old, or mysterious. Rather the opposite, but of course all kinds of people. Whether they're jolly or not doesn't have anything to do with it.

Most of those who's auras I have seen later became friends, or I've known them for my whole life. That is my favourite kind of people, and I think I'm drawn to them.

Just siiting here now, trying to figure out what it is I've forgotten. Too tired to focus, awaiting the sedating effects of Imovane. That's it for now.

Lost in the world

I believe I must be in some sort of reversed solipsism, but I don't know if that's the right word for it, or what the right word would be. I heard this saying once, I don't remember who said it or in what context, but here goes: "it's my world and you just happen to live in it". That was to be about solipsism. But immediately I thought the opposite is very much like me: "it's your world and I just happen to live in it".

My belief that I'm actually already dead, just a ghost lingering, creating interactions with remaining relatives and friends, not knowing that I'm dead. Of course that is a paradox, cause how can I know that I'm dead and at the same time not know...?

However, as I said, I'm dead. As a doornail. I'm not really here anymore, I have no place to feel safe in or that I feel I can call a home. I don't have any impact on anyone else's life. They all seem to live their lives and I just linger here. Intangible, lost, forgotten, abandoned. But I abandoned them. I moved out from my parents' house, I moved hundreds of miles away from my friends. I moved out of the world, and the world goes on living and blossoming without me.

That, is my version of reverse solipsism. I live in a lonely world, as instead of having everything revolving around me, I'm trying to revolve around everything but failing miserably. It feels like I would lose contact with the world permanently if I stopped trying to. But I can't revolve around everything, no matter how hard I try. It's like I'm trying to initiate a dance by starting to dance myself, trying to make others go along with me, but I just end up dancing alone all night.

Gifts

I got a TV for Christmas gift, along with an Alice Cooper t-shirt and a bottle of Iron Maiden beer. Very nice gifts, indeed. Yet I somehow thought I'd give myself a few gifts, regarding World of Warcraft. A new flying mount (really, I had no nice ones at all), a character transfer to another realm and appearance change for the same character.

First one ever of my characters to get a sex change. I suppose you could all guess they were female to begin with. All for role play of course. Cause why did I from the beginning decide to create a female character for role play? I can't stand it when people she/her me in real life, so why should I in WoW? Aside from that, I think I have a good thing going with him now, a blood elf shadow priest, which seems to be my new WoW obsession. Blood elves, and shadow specialised priests.

I also had quite some luck in finding nice looking gear, without even trying, I might add. Still not my favourite, Black Velvet Robes, but Robes of Arugal looks a bit alike so it's quite good as well. Better than I could have expected.

I know I haven't been updating a lot as of lately, but I have a good explanation for that, which is I can't write if I don't smoke. And I can't smoke indoors at my parents' place and neither can I bring my computer out on the porch. So most of all I write ends up in my paper diary or a writing pad. Just so you know I'm not dead, or something.

Liars

How pathological liars work:
They will tell you small bits of truth embellished with tall tales. Everything is exaggerated. These types of liars do not need a reason to lie. They do not need a reward in any sense of the word. They just lie like other people breathe air.

Pathological liars do know they are lying most of the time. If you caught them in a lie they would feel no need to apologize. They might tell another lie to cover up or validate the first lie, not caring that you both don't believe it. They are not embarrassed to be caught in lies either. They have the ability to look you in the eye and begin weaving even more fantastic webs.

I found this on http://hubpages.com/hub/am-i-a-pathological-liar-take-the-quiz and it must be the most accurate thing ever. Though I'm not always aware of that I'm lying, cause I'm sometimes lying to myself as well. And I believe in those lies.

I once had a friend who I believe was a pathological liar, though I couldn't stand that person's stories and behaviour for very long so I broke off that friendship. The only friendship I've ever broken off. Though I don't know how much of a friend I was, I mostly only hung out with them out of pity. Out of pity. Because no one else could stand even being in the same room with them, I felt sorry for that person.

At first I just thought: wow, what an interesting life this person has had! but then things started to seem a bit fishy. One story didn't fit with another, some stories where just too strange to be true. When I started to get suspicious I was left with two choices: tell them the truth that I didn't believe one word that came out of their mouth and leave instantly - or become a fucking liar myself and keep staying with them, pretending to be amazed and dazzled by their incredibly embellished stories. I picked the later.

But did I become an every day liar because of that person? No... or I don't know. How can I know? One thing is for sure though: I can't tell my mother about this. I know it's just fuel for the fire keeping another secret, but if I do tell her, she'd never believe anything I say again. Though I think she knows. Cause she's been suspecting my real intentions behind my lame excuses since I became a teenager. Like every damn time I say either "I'm tired" or "I forgot" I see that highly sceptic look on her face. Cause those phrases are lies approximately 95% of the time. Lies entwined with truth.

And how would you who are reading this know what is truth or not in this text? I happen to lie quite a lot in my blog, if you didn't know. But all of it stems from truth, my truth. It's basically truth with little lies here and there, rather than the opposite. Of course it's common to do that, but all the time? I think not.

By the way, this is NOT a diagnosis of any kind. It's merely an observation, a thought or an idea. I don't go so deep into this topic (yes, this is me just scratching the surface).



Soundtrack: Emilie Autumn - Liar

Getting the message through

I feel a bit better now. The dizziness has decreased and so has the cold sweating, but I'm shaking instead and feel very weak. If I could take it more easy than usually, I would. Meaning there isn't much more calmer things to do than doing nothing, which is kinda what I always do.

I've realised that I can't really show emotions, and that has lead me to trouble all through my life. Sure I'm good at explaining what I feel, I'm good with words. But I can't show it. Well, anger is the only exception. I believe that is why things haven't exactly been successful in my processes of seeking psychiatric professional help over the years. Especially in emergency psych-wards. They don't take me seriously, they never have. I get this huge vibe that their attitude is something like "it can't be that bad, you don't look upset".

And that's usually when I resort to serious self harm or suicide attempts out of sheer desperation and hopelessness, thinking no one and nothing can help me. Cause no matter how hard I try, I can't get the message through. It shouldn't have to be that way, I shouldn't have to risk my life in order to get help to survive. My terrible communication skills has lead me give up on ever getting the help I needed, which in my past has lead me to take matters in my own hands. Literally.

Language is so insufficient, when spoken only with words. It's hard to believe someone who looks neutral but talks about how overwhelmed by emotions they are. I wouldn't go as far as to say they think I'm lying, but more as if they think I'm exaggerating. Could it have something to do with my asperger syndrome? It doesn't seem unlikely to me.

This might sound stupid, but I've seriously considered "faking" a reaction to the emotions I feel. Like when I am very sad I'll force myself to cry or snivel. Or if I'm very scared I'll force myself to hyperventilate and just apply whatever appropriate body language to the emotion I'm experiencing. A fake smile when I'm happy might not be such a good idea though. Damn, this makes me feel like a robot or something...

Another stupid idea that sometimes gets to me is that I should stop communicating with words at all. Willingly become mute, that is. I thought of that just after I unwillingly became mute that one day in late June. My thought behind that is: that way I would be forced to communicate with my body language much more, and that would in time make me better at doing so. It's a stupid idea because it would probably do more harm than good.

Wouldn't be able to talk on the phone, have a meaningful conversation with someone face to face, speak up when someone says something mean to me, wouldn't be able to explain myself really. Now that would be quite a strife, if you think about it. I would most likely either crawl in under a rock somewhere and stay there, fall into depression - or become violent. Cause what would you do if someone is mean to you and you can't defend yourself with words? I think I'll skip that idea, but it is tempting somehow...

Bad start on a new day

I feel like shit today. Perhaps you could call it waking up on the wrong side. Cause as soon as I had gotten my clothes on and was about to make myself a sandwich I started shaking, losing blood in my head and got hot flushes. So I went outside, tried to cool myself down a little, but when I got back inside, cold sweating this time, I got really dizzy. I had to literally crawl to my couch to lie down for a little while. I fell asleep there for two hours. Then I tried to get up again, but the same thing happened again.

So I took my cigarettes, a cup of water, some paper tissues and a diet shake to my bedroom. Lied down for a while as I tried to get some nutrition and nicotine, rest and a lot of water. An hour or so later I got back to my computer, but I can just barely keep my head up. It feels a bit like fever but it isn't. I have no idea what's going on.

What I can't control

I've recently figured out that I'm a bit of a control freak. But at the same time I have no control to begin with. I think they are related though, rather than opposing. That because I feel I have no control over anything, I have this insane need to find that control. Cause it scares me, just how out of control my whole life is. That I can't even control what to eat, when to sleep, my self harm addictions, my (in)ability to function in society. I'm trying to reverse it, to gain the control I've never had.

*

I just asked myself: what do I most fear? and the answer I came up with was: being this miserable for the rest of my days. But in that case I don't have anything to fear, right? Fearing something that already is to continue, isn't that rather about enduring and not being willing to accept things as they are? I really have nothing to lose in that sense, cause I don't fear losing something. I fear not gaining something.

*

When I woke up this morning it was from a dream. In the dream my teeth were falling out one at a time because I had not taken care of them for a long time. It was so realistic. Abruptly I awakened and instantly yelled out: "That's it, I'm gonna start brushing my teeth more often!" My dreams are like that now. Super intense and so realistic that they wake me up instantly and as a result I'm either horrified, inspired, disgusted, heavily confused, angry or sad to tears. Usually I'm additionally yelling something out, anything from a simple shriek to a whole conversation with myself. It's a bit disturbing to say the least.

The bridge between my dreams and the awaken world is shattering, blurred. Somehow I'm worried that one day I won't be able to wake up from those nightmares, that they will continue after I wake up, forever. I don't even know if that's possible, but in my world, absolutely anything is possible. I believe in everything, you know? Including literally getting stuck in an eternal nightmare.

Dark thoughts

Watching Criminal Minds still fucks me up. It awakens dark thoughts and feelings inside me that I don't even want to acknowledge. This episode I just recently watched, it's in the second season, was about a kid with murder fantasies, and he said: "in order to save others from dying I have to kill myself" and it just struck something inside me. That a part of me thought I was just like him, a bomb waiting to explode, until one day those fantasies would become real. Though there is this other part of me saying that as long as I hang on to the feeling of not really wanting to commit those crimes, I can keep it in check.

I've had those dark thoughts and fantasies since I was about twelve, but it has been escalating. Increased. Turned to actual plans. Plans I've been perfecting for years. And maybe there is some solace in that I've been at it, just planning and fantasising without doing anything, for years. I'm still smart enough to not wanna risk my whole life for making a fantasy become real. Besides, reality rarely lives up to an ideal, right?

But there is this uncertainty that keeps gnawing inside me, that maybe one day... And also if I keep losing my mind the way I've been doing these last seven months or so, I can never know for sure what that could lead me to in the future. Cause there actually is a psychotic killer inside of me, wanting to live out its fantasies.

The thing is, I really don't know which side of the law I stand on, when it really comes down to it. I admire murderers at the same time as I think the death penalty is a good thing. Perhaps that would be an "easy escape" if I'd one day end up in that situation. The thought "what the fuck is wrong with me?" pops up in my head. Well, what is right?

Procrastinating feelings

I'm always so tired nowadays, like I could just fall asleep at any given moment. Maybe it's still my three months of sleep deprivation and hypnophobia that I'm not entirely recovered from yet. Maybe it's just all the emotional stress that is still going on. I'm not even awake when I'm awake.

It's hard to concentrate on anything. World of warcraft, movies, writing, anything. It takes hours upon getting out of bed for me to wake up somewhat, and then I get so tired again before I know it. Nothing can make even the slightest bit of alert. Not even caffeine or any of the usual or unusual things that I can't think of right now.

People are more annoying than usual in WoW. They keep bothering me with group requests and duel proposals. I was this close to just yell "fuck off" in chat but managed to keep ignoring them instead.

Other than those occasional anger outbursts that don't really burst at all, I feel completely numb today. Just like yesterday and the day before that, and the day before that. Still fantasising about death, self harming, listening to Emilie Autumn and I'm back on normal cigarettes again. I'm not entirely sure why I'm this numb, but it could be that thing that shook me to that shock-like state a month ago. But it's been a month, for crying out loud.

Would it be okay if I say I'm not suicidal, I just have a constant death wish?

It's like I've built a wall around me, and nothing can come through it. I still don't want to feel anything, but I doubt this is a good thing. Well, of course it isn't a good thing, but I don't know what to do about it either. Or if I even want to do something about it. I don't want to be completely numb 24/7, but I don't wanna feel like crap either. And there really isn't a third choice.

I'm putting off going to the grocery store. Just wanna play WoW and watch Criminal Minds. Almost simultaneously. But I have no food left. That is a problem.

New meds

This headache seems to be incurable. Yes, it's still here since yesterday. Taking pain killers is just as pointless as telling it to go away. Well of course it's incurable, I've had it for almost nine years. But you get the point, it's worse now and it's bothering me. Usually it's just there, an even pressure on my every thought. But now it's aching more intensively, constantly, piercing through the bone.

I got a new medicine by the way. Since the Zyprexa I take for my anxiety doesn't work so well anymore (barely at all) my doctor added Abilify to take every day as a supplement to Zyprexa. Apparently, it's a neuroleptic drug. So just like that I got an anti psychotic medicine without any effort what so ever. How about that, eh?

It will probably not have any effect on my ghosts, but still. Cause I will take it for my anxiety, which is an entirely different chapter. Or well, maybe not. Cause my anxiety is that one thing that is actually connected to exactly everything I have to feel shitty about. It's the cause, the pain, the wound that cannot heal. Both my anxiety and my headache are there for this purpose, because of the same thing. Because of everything else.

So what can I do, but medicate the anxiety that is caused by everything else, which I should really be medicating instead? I feel like a weather beaten old house with decaying walls, and all I can do is trying to repaint it. It might look good on the outside, but who the hell would want to live in it? Finally I think I came up with a good metaphor.

Paradox of pain

This headache is starting to get to me. It was bad an hour ago, so I took a Treo. Now it's worse. So much for that... I found a new way to self harm again, which is to sit in uncomfortable positions so to the point that I can just barely walk, right after getting up. I'm fine after a few minutes though. But the thing is, it's more complicated than that. Not just about inflicting pain.

I feel weird watching through all the "Criminal Minds" episodes and feel that I have to curl up in my arm chair. To protect or comfort myself, or something like that. It's a paradox, because the most uncomfortable positions are also the only comfortable ones. Mind over matter: what is comfort for the mind is pain to the body, and what is comfort for the body, is pain to the mind. And my mind always has the last say.

It strikes me that maybe that is what the concept of self harm is all about. The paradox about comfort and pain, that they can be the same. To me it is that way, though I can only speak for myself. And I think that is also why my mind is able to play tricks on me, making me self harm without me noticing it, because I recognise it as comfort. Something good as opposed to bad. I can only see one side of the coin.

Everything is paradoxes and ambivalence in my world, the world as I know it, and it does confuse me sometimes. Because I can only explain a paradox with another. It has come to my knowledge that it's possible it's just my way of looking at things. My perception, and not the truth. I'm dulled by my own mind, as usual.

Apathy

I'm still apathetic it seems. I respond to things with thoughts, or words, but not emotionally. Like "oh, that's terrible" or "how adorable" or "that's annoying" but I don't feel sad, happy, angry or anything. It's like I'm trying to tell myself what to feel. I hardly even complain nowadays. It's all just brief statements. And what's up with the short sentences?

If I do feel something, it's just briefly. A few seconds smile, if I get angry it's over so fast my heartbeats don't even increase. Sadness that never creates tears. It's just snap shots.

Yes, I might be a bit over medicated, but usually I can just barely keep my wild emotions in check even with all those drugs. So this isn't because of them. Unless they just suddenly increased massively in strength all by themselves, which is of course highly unlikely, which is my point.

It's weird being back at my parents' place, even though it's just for the weekend. And I slept through all of yesterday, so it feels like I've been here shorter than I actually have. I keep no circadian rhythm, just wake up and go to bed whenever I feel like it. No pressure. Cause I need to stop worry about things that don't matter.

My sleeping pattern really doesn't, you know. Why? Cause it really shouldn't be such a big deal when I sleep or not or for how long. As long as I do sometimes. It's not like I have a schedule to keep up with or something.

Yet another theory

Coldness. It can really set loose almost any emotion known to man inside me. Fear, hopelessness, eagerness, hatred, comfort, and right now it's pissing me off. Like: get the fuck warm or I'll do something I'll regret! I realise I'm actually talking to myself sometimes, and not only to Anna. Yes, this is an actual realisation. Maybe I've done that all the time but just didn't realise it until now, but it could be baby steps in trying to think for my own a little. Whatever that could be good for.

She is my emotional support and has been for as long as I can remember, or well, before I couldn't handle my thoughts at all, so in a way it was good that she came along. I've never really doubted that it was good she showed up in the first place, I was a terrible mess by that time. But I do think it might have been good if she had left before she became the problem. My post traumatic stress disorder is only masked by her existence.

I found out, a few months ago, that there is a kind of PTSD that causes dissociation and that is one of my many theories about Anna that in some view could be possible. About an imaginary person showing up right after a trauma, as a type of defence mechanism, and it's closely related to dissociative identity disorder. I'm definitely still fucked up over what happened all those years ago, so dissociation or not, PTSD is more than likely.

But a part of me still believes this is an exceptional thing that is a bit out of the ordinary, and can't really fit into just one particular diagnose. A dissociation wouldn't be permanent, as extended, deeply embed and developed as this. While at the same time a hallucination or a delusion wouldn't be so alike my own thoughts, permanent and constant. Cause I'm absolutely certain this is permanent, we will never become one again. It's like a fictional movie thing about split personality with the vast exception that we coexist as two different people. That is where DID doesn't fit in either. This is a mystery that I just can't let go of, okay?

I think maybe listening to Emilie Autumn sparked my thoughts this time, and reading a bit about her on Wikipedia. Thinking that maybe I should buy her book, cause apparently she wrote one, and it seems it could be interesting.

Drugs and priorities

Aw, fuck. WoW shut down for updates and won't be playable until 11:00 pm. It was the only thing I could find that helped me think of something else than all this fucking pain. That's why I play, that's why I play that stupid endless game! I hate you Blizzard.

One good thing worth mentioning though: I don't seem to be hypnophobic anymore. Maybe you already figured out, since I'm obviously back on my old sleeping pattern. My fear of sleeping just disappeared just like that. I gave up. Totally and completely gave up on trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep. I finally found a way to "let go".

Still over medicating in order to fall asleep though. Lergigan, Mirtazapin, Zyprexa and Imovane combined in large quantities. You're not supposed to take 15 mg of Imovane every night for longer than two weeks, but I just don't give a fuck about those stupid regulations. Just gimme the fucking pills so that I can fall asleep within 30 hours, is that really too much to ask of?

Nowadays I fall asleep when I'm... what was that word again? (Anna says: you don't remember the word you've been over using for months?) ...lethargic. And I get out of bed when I can't fall back to sleep again or wake up from a nightmare. Usually awake for 20-26 hours and sleep/stay in bed for 12-16 hours at a time. I can't fit into a 24 hours circadian rhythm, but nor do I care either. At least I vary sleep with being awake in some sort of acceptable pattern that doesn't make my brain melt. I believe this will be my last post tagged "hypnophobia".

Still wanting antipsychotic medicine, but keep dreaming huh? I'd rather fall apart mentally and die with a masculine body than perking up and die because I hate my body as it is now. Either way I'll die from suicide eventually, but still. That thing about leaving a beautiful corpse behind, perhaps. No it's all about priorities. And these fucked up priorities say something about what I would do to feel complete, body and soul, don't they? That I'd rather die than fuck up my chances on getting that surgery done. Any time anyone asks me if I really want to change my body to match my gender identity, I'll just answer that. I have my parents in mind, especially my mother seem to still have doubts about my certainty. If only she knew...

Revealing the reason

I got so used to feeling good yesterday that today feels so much worse. Maybe this night is worse than my usual days nowadays, or it just might seem worse in comparison to yesterday. I don't even know exactly why I feel like crap, it's like it's got nothing to do with anything. It's all so sudden, and usually it takes a few hours upon waking up before I crash, but today it's been like shit since I opened my eyes. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

How can it hurt like this for no reason? Maybe the reason is so obvious I can't see it. No, I can see it, I just don't want to. Can't look it in the eye and accept it, I refuse to. The reason that's been there all along. I'm cold, crying and not comforted by anything. Dreaming about death and smoking my cigarettes, hoping they are as deadly as the warning label on the pack says they are.

I've started to smoke somtimes while I'm in bed, usually right before I go to sleep while reading, or just as I wake up. Because the danger of doing so is no longer bothering me. In fact, I often catch myself fantasising about falling asleep in a bed of flames. It would be an accident, careless and clumsy me falling asleep while smoking in my bed. Cause I would never set fire to my own bed on purpose, would never kill myself that way. It's merely a fantasy that I have no wish to make come true.

Some days I think I'm depressed. Always tired and sick of the world, half and half suicidal, popping anxioulytic's and self harming like crazy and not really amused by anything. Not even that picture of a cute cat doing whatever cute things. When I don't want to get out of bed just as much as I don't want to go to bed. The nighmares are back, less gruesome but more heart tearing. The days are harder to get through, ever since I found out that thing I won't mention - cause it's probably not even official yet and people who reads this might find out who it is - two weeks ago.

Oh, to hell with it. He's engaged, I saw it on tumblr. How can anything possibly make me feel better?

Unreality

Had this awful dream tonight. I was a Persian man in love with a woman who had been forced to marry him, by her family. I had noticed she was suffocating in our relationship, so I confronted her and told her that I wanted her to leave so that she could be happy. It was the most heartbreaking dream ever, and when I woke up I realised it reflected the feelings I have for my crush. If I had the choice to be with him even if he doesn't feel the same for me - or to never be with him so that he can be happy, what would I do?

I just don't wanna be in reality tonight. Not my twisted mind's reality, and not your reality either. I wanna be in an unreality, some place where it doesn't hurt. Where I don't have to wake up scared or sad and alone.

I was supposed to have laundry today, but my "morning" mood was really terrible so I let the phone calls from the crew go to voice mail and when they banged on my door I basically told them to piss off. I couldn't get my ass off to the grocery store today either, since I ignored all my alarms and stayed in bed until an hour after the store closed.

I have no motivation for anything, just wanna disappear. But I have to pack some stuff tonight for a little trip I'm going off for on Thursday. I'll do that later...

Still air

Today has been a good day. It was so long ago I had one of those I had almost given up every experiencing one again. Well, almost. You know I can be quite a pessimist sometimes. Or mostly. All I've done is playing WoW and scrolling on tumblr since 3:30 this morning. Now I'm farming leather and singing along to Men Without Hats, and will WoW til' I drop. I coined that phrase a while ago, by which I mean that I'll play until I face plant on the keyboard of tiredness.

But yeah, it's been a good day. Not cut or self harmed in any other way, not even had to take any as needed medication. Still can't eat to save my life and smoke like a chimney (more than usually), but hey who cares. Got a little pissed off at the game a few times but otherwise no mood swings. Not much else to say really.

Isn't it sad that when things go bad you can write endlessly about it, but when things are good you can basically only come up with a just few sentences? None of this and none of that, but not much that actually is or was. Maybe it's just me, that my bad days are full of action, while my good days are rather... uneventful. But I don't mind, cause the still air is so much better than the blizzards, although I always hesitative wish for the warm breezes. A part of me believes those will one day come to me. One day...

Half here, half there

The silence scared me as I lied in my bed, trying to get back to sleep. I've never heard such silence before, my breath takes was the only thing I could hear. So I went up at 3:30 in the morning. I like mornings now, cause I don't feel so much during that time. And that's why I didn't like them before, cause I feel like a zombie at dawn. But better a zombie than an emotional chaos of anxiety and sadness I can't handle.

For some reason I've been having nightly dreams about bleaching my hair blonde for a while now. It's not the same dream recurring, but different ones. I wonder what they mean. Probably that I want to change something in my life, trying something new in general.

But waking up wanting to become blonde is a bit weird. Like "Yeah I should totally bleach my hair! Oh, wait... it's gonna be tricky and probably damage my already damaged hair further. Though I kinda like having black hair... why would I want it blonde by the way? Oh yes, I don't. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, weird dream..."

It's like I'm sort of still half in my dreams even after I wake up, that the bridge over to reality is blurred somehow. They're becoming more vivid, and it's harder to let go after I wake up. Not in a clinging sort of sense, but more like it's hard to tell if I'm still dreaming or not. That's been going on for like a month or so now, maybe longer.

My memory seems to be shorter than a second sometimes today. I'm like "Oh, yes! I'm going to... huh? No, now I reme... huh?" Seriously, I can't even finish half a thought before it's gone again. More confusing than annoying though.

Breaking what's already broken

Fucking cruel world this is. Just saying. Days like this I just wanna move into Azeroth and be "reborn" as a heartless Forsaken fighting for The Horde in World of Warcraft. I envy people who know how to love without ending up breaking their own hearts. I have my best friend in mind, cause she knows how to love and who. I envy that so much.

I don't even know how I manage to do that. Break my own heart. But it's so fragile nowadays, I was still torn up after that thing in 2011, already when I fell for my crush. My obsession, my everything, my one true love. Heartbroken and in love with another at the same time. And now somehow that pain has doubled, as I feel I'm about to get heartbroken again. Or maybe I already am.

How can you break an already broken heart? It's simple really, cause even the broken things can be further broken. Shards can become smaller shards, small shards can become splinter, splinter can be pulverised. It feels like what is left of my heart is only scar tissue, seams that are easily ripped up again and again and everything just seeps right through in either direction.

If I wasn't obsessed before, I sure am now. Cause I can't think of anything else than this thing that tears me to pieces a thousand times a day. That not even cutting, smoking, pain killers, sedatives, sleeping pills, anxiolytics, writing, watching movies, playing WoW, drinking tea or eating chocolate can fix. I'm dying inside and there's nothing I can do about it.

So yeah, sometimes I allow myself to wish that I was heartless or cold hearted. That that would make things easier. But you know what they say, right? That it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Sometimes I doubt that. I've been through so much pain when it comes to love that I'd rather just erase it all from my memory.

How much longer

I've started to escape my reality with sleep. To the point of taking more sedatives when I wake up so that I can sleep some more. I just tipped the scale, didn't I? From extreme sleep deprivation to over sleeping. It all stems from the same problem though: don't wanna sleep, and don't wanna be awake at the same time.

Didn't go to the grocery store today, even though I'm all out of food, or almost. My anxiety or sadness is still deep and I'd rather just sit in here doing nothing, than put on a jacket and go buy some food. On one hand I think that nobody cares about my suffering, but on the other hand I think they all care too much.

This is something I can't do anything about, I only have two options. One being keep bottling it up, keep pressing all these feeling away as far as I possibly can. The other is letting them roam free and possibly destroy me in the process. I suppose I value my life more this time, and I protect it as much as I can. But my mind is sore and my heart is weak. Carrying this is tiring me and I don't know how much further I'll be able to.

Once again I'm falling apart, but this time I'm actually trying not to. Willed enough to keep on fighting, but not strong enough. And I thought self destruction was only something you do by choice.

Losing it

Saw my psychologist's today, and I told her about what has made me feel like shit these last few days. What I still won't mention in this blog, but yeah, it's about my crush as you might have figured out. I told her that I think I'm in some sort of shock, and she agreed that is likely. My heart was beating so fast when I told her, and I just couldn't stop the tears. I guess saying it out loud for the first time was a bit overwhelming. I've never cried in front of someone in her position before.

We discussed it a little, but as usual I only remember some of what was said. That she thought I should wait until I'm ready to let those feelings that I'm bottling up loose, and then allow myself to have them. I said it made me sad, and she talked about mourning. Maybe she implied that it's time to let go of my crush, but I don't wanna give up, not just yet. I'm still waiting for him.

Shortly after I got back home I kinda started to feel like I was losing it again, but didn't resort to any self harm or pill popping. Not that I thought I could do without it, I just didn't want to. So I fell asleep on the sofa instead. Thought sleeping was better than being awake. Don't know if I'll get any more sleep tonight though. I guess it depends.

Escaping

Seems this day is a copy of yesterday. I don't mind though. Could be worse, I mean. Now I'm just sitting here, waiting for Imovane to kick in, after some "casual" cutting. It was almost like a routine thing, I just kept going without really knowing what I was doing. Creating scars. I like that, sounds better in a way. That by destroying something, I'm also creating something. "Destruction can be a form of creation" I remember being a phrase in my favourite movie.

Asked my mother to swing by tomorrow and bring some more of my as needed medication. Zyprexa and Imovane. They're keeping my alive right now, that and of course cutting and smoking cigarettes.To a degree tea, writing and playing WoW works too.

I've become quite fond of the monk class now, got a blood elf up to level 62 as of today and it's fun pommelling mobs with fists and feet for a change. It reminds of karate, but I suppose most of the spells are made up combat techniques. Still fun though, or at least a way of distraction or escapism.

I do a lot of that lately. Escaping my mind. Take pills to numb my further, high on endorphins and low on adrenaline. Now I'm low on anything and it's time to hit the bed.

Carefree

Emotional suicide. The strongest most intimidating feelings I push back and press down with all my strength, and all the other feelings I medicate away. Holding back screams, tears and laughter. I don't want to feel anything. Anything at all. I'm killing my feelings, crave for numbness and apathy, to not have a care in the world. Completely carefree, calm and disconnected.

Such is my goal, but I do realise that won't ever happen. I'm so tired. Tired of living and fighting for my life. Cause I am, you know. If I was to let go... I think I would die. Madness and agony the mind cannot endure, leading to actions with irreversible consequences.

Well, that's it for tonight. Can't keep up any longer or I will most likely face palm on the keyboard. Sleeping pills kicked in a while ago. So, bed time I guess.

Preventing my heart from breaking

Today I've mostly been chain smoking, drinking a lot of tea, consuming chocolate of various kinds. All drugged up on Zyprexa and Sobril, endorphins from numerous self inflicted wounds. Can barely walk or control my muscles and my eyes feel heavy, but sleep is impossible. I'm calmer now though. But it took half my stash of meds to get there.

I haven't felt this numb and empty for as long as I can remember. Maybe I'm in some sort of shock. I can't feel the music, only hear it. I don't get angry, or amused by anything. It's like I've shut down, or a part of me has. But better empty than full of anxiety and sadness, which is what I'm trying to hold back. Maybe holding back a bunch of feelings takes so much energy that no other feelings can emerge in their place. And it leaves me with this empty hole inside of me.

Everything is half-hearted, resistant, hesitant. Maybe I want to be miserable? Maybe I asked for this to happen? I know I thought it. Just so that I could suffer more. Cause this is the only way I know how to feel alive. This week is gonna be a hell to survive.