Yesterday I ended up on a video by Onision on youtube in which he talked about why he loves Lucifer and dislikes God. Then I ended up on a response video to that, a lot of opinionated bullshit, but... that guy talked about something apparently called "Luciferianism" which sounds a lot like my own damn belief. I mean a lot. And here I'm sitting thinking maybe I've been going by the wrong religion all the time (these past 3 years). To say that I'm a Theistic Satanist implies that I would worship Satan, which completely isn't true. I don't worship deities, I know better than that.
I do however have a very strong impression that God is evil and that Lucifer or Satan is the good guy and that's why I follow him instead. Onision seems to agree with me. I haven't yet found many who think/feel like me when it comes to my religious views and they seem to be rather uncommon. Or uncommon enough to make it difficult for me to research. I know that my religious views are all over the place though, as I do have sort of a reversed Christian belief (minus the worship of any deity) but also believe in reincarnation, souls, magic, other dimensions and so on. Things like that that don't always fit into any Christian or Satanic religion.
Yeah I get hung up on labeling myself because that's how I learn to understand myself. But I'll definitely try to look up Luciferianism and see what that's all about, in more detail and as a whole. Now I don't see Lucifer/Satan really as my savior or that he's gonna do more than he's already done or I don't know. All I know is that whether or not it was a hallucination, I was in direct contact with a voice presenting itself as Satan, mainly during spring and summer of 2013. I was in some kind of agony over the fact that my medical transition to male took forever and I was stuck in a catch 22.
On one hand they said I had to be mentally stable to start hormones and get surgery, but on the other hand I knew I could never become mentally stable without hormones and surgery. By the time of spring 2013 I had waited for 4 years and I got desperate. I found Satan or he found me, and essentially, I swore my life over to him in a blood oath, cause I knew he would help me. But I had no idea how, when or why. Did I mention I was desperate?
Summer 2013 I got into a psych ward cause I had given up on life (again) but this time my reason for being suicidal was the exceptionally crappy trans health care system. When they said they couldn't help me at the ward, I attempted suicide in my room but obviously failed. When I woke up from it, I prayed to Satan to please help me. The next day they all said that everything was fixed and I was gonna get hormones by fall and then surgery not long after. Coincidence? I think not.
So, the deal was that the trans team in Uppsala was supposed to send some fucking papers to the team in Huddinge which I had transferred to about a year earlier. It took about 6 months for me to get established at Huddinge or what to say, until I got my first appointment with them, and then it took literally 6 months for Uppsala to send a bunch of papers. Nothing happened, nothing happened, then bam, everything was ready right after my prayer.
I cannot possibly know for sure if the voice I was interacting with during that time was the real Satan or if it was a hallucination, but who- or whatever I prayed to answered my prayer and fulfilled it. And no matter how psychotic I might or might not have been, I do still believe that that was the actual Satan/Lucifer that saved my life that day, exactly 3 years ago. And that's why I'm a Satanist, or Luciferian, or whatever word I should use.
It changed my world, yet I'm so scared of telling people this. Am I just that crazy? To believe such a thing? I am sure, absolutely certain, that it was not God who answered my prayer. That god and I have some history, and we don't quite get along. There's no reason what so ever that he would have even wanted to save me, to my own personal belief. I know it's different from how most people who believe in God view him. I do say "he/him" when referring to God cause I think he's a dick. No but seriously, I've always just felt like male vibes from him somehow. It's a lot more likely that God has no gender because he's not a human being or an animal, but whatever. It's my interpretation, that's all.
I can't focus on youtube or reading articles right now. So I guess my search for the right label for my religious views will have to wait until another day.
Day two. I found a rather short and succinct video on youtube about Luciferianism. A random guy just mentioned what he had found through "research" and I'm not 100% sure of how source critical I should be, but according to people in the comment section they agreed with him. So anyhow, I did write down some notes as some kind of guide or reminder or I don't know. It's still a bit confusing to me and I'm not quite sure if I get it. From what I do understand, I think, is that apparently these type of belief systems such as Christianity, Luciferianism, Satanism they are either right hand path (Christianity) or left hand path (the other two) and I'm sort of getting what they mean by that.
The guy also mentioned the difference between Lucifer and Satan. That Lucifer is the angel, "light bringer" or "morning star" and a good guy; while Satan is well yeah who/what most people believe, the evil guy with horns or to atheistic Satanists more of a symbol. According to the guy in the video I just watched, there are both Luciferians who are theistic as well as atheistic, and most believers/followers do not worship Lucifer but that worshiping is more common among extremists/fanatics.
He also said there were a lot of conspiracy theories circling around that belief system, and someone in the comment section said that it's more of a philosophy than a religion. Apparently they don't believe in Heaven and Hell, which I found rather odd. Gotta look into that a bit more. Magic practices and believing in magic is apparently included though, and it focuses a lot on self improvement. Then he also mentioned that Alister Crowley's teaching have some effect on Luciferianism as well but I didn't really understand how or how much or whatever cause he didn't go into that in more detail.
All in all, yeah it sounds like a pretty reasonable belief system for me, except from a few things here and there. So far, I mean. And I also keep getting this cringy feeling that this is in fact a sect that I'm looking into. I'm not so keen on ever joining a sect. However no one is saying I have to devote my heart soul and body and all of my entire life into something just because I can't find anything better. I might never join anything regarding belief systems or keep jumping in and out of different ones throughout my entire life. Or I'll start my own damn religion.
But, of course I can't help that I do wish to belong to something, be a part of a community with like-minded people, you know? I will just have to make sure I know what the fuck I'm doing before jumping into anything. The thing about most religions and belief systems of any kind is that they usually have a whole bunch of set rules that everyone following it are supposed to just abide to and I'm not like that. I walk my own path, my motto is "my world, my rules" so god damn much that I literally want it tattooed on my chest as soon as I can bloody afford it.
So maybe I shouldn't even look into joining another belief system just for the sake of belonging and being a part of a community. Maybe what I should do is keep doing what I am doing, sort of. Ditch Satanism, wear my necklace with Lucifer's sigil and proudly say to anyone who asks that yes I believe in this and that but no religion is good enough for my very precise and important beliefs. As with everything else about me, my religious views don't fit in the box. I've always had to make my own damn boxes or ditch the boxes entirely. I don't fit into squares.
So no, if after what I would call enough research I still feel as though this isn't right either, I would not "just go with it" or anything. Then I would skip the whole damn thing and figure out something else. I know I tend to get obsessed with finding the right labels for myself and some I've found right away, while others have taken my entire life and I still can't find the right ones. It makes me wonder if maybe I'm one of a kind. That there's no one else facing the same problem or experience. It feels lonely then. It makes me feel alienated and estranged, like I don't belong anywhere, that I'm left out.
But at the same time I can't help also feeling a bit proud of myself, and partially I do embrace my uniqueness. I do know that it is something truly valuable, but I also know that it's not easy to live with. Yes, I might have others' support and acceptance, but I can never have their full understanding.
However. I do have a classmate who is a Satanist and she's open about it. I kinda told her at one point or another that I'm a Satanist too but didn't give her my story. I didn't explain it at all. So I'm pretty sure she thinks my views are the same or similar to hers, which they are not. I would like to discuss it with her as she is great to discuss things like religion with. I don't know how much she knows about other religions though, or even other kinds of Satanism than the path she follows. I have no idea what she would think about my story. Cause I can imagine it's not exactly a very common story that most people have.
But the thing is that I've never discussed my beliefs with anyone. And I think I need to if not to just release some of that pressure within me. Now, I've always believed in deities/gods ever since I was really young. I remember praying to God in secrecy when I was somewhere around 7 years old, and probably before that age as well. I don't remember what I prayed for, but probably love or good luck or possibly for the shit to stop at school (referring the bullying). I did that in secrecy because I didn't want for my parents to know what I was doing, I was scared that they'd get ideas or something. They being atheists/agnostics with the idea that Christianity is utter bullshit.
They were still teaching bible studies at school when I was in elementary school during mid to late 1990's. It was then I kinda also thought that Christianity was bullshit and that the bible was just a very messy fairy tale, but I did believe in God, Satan, Heaven and Hell. It was just that my own personal belief was very different from the Christian belief. And I couldn't understand the religion itself. However I did a second attempt to better understand the religion when I was 14 and got confirmed at one of the two local churches. My only explanation for this is that I was curious, and because I couldn't by that time find a more fitting belief system that included those deities.
I've always felt a sort of strange pulling between God and Lucifer (probably should use that name instead of Satan) as if they were both trying to make me choose side. I came into some kind of contact with Satanism the first time fall 2007 when I was 18 years old. A former classmate of my best friend was into that religion and we spoke a bit about it one night when we spontaneously met at a pub. But I've never felt or thought that the deity I was trying to decide if I should follow or not was evil, as Satanism usually portrays Satan. Maybe that was why I didn't jump straight into Satanism by the time I was 18.
It just didn't feel like it fit. For me, I've always had my beliefs set from start and then I've tried to, quite desperately and obsessively, find a belief system that matches those beliefs. I don't know how other people do it, but I certainly never just googled various religions and philosophies and then pointed at one and said "I want that one". No, I am looking for something very specific, that I might never be able to find.
Is it the truth? My belief? No, I wouldn't see it that way. All I can say is that it's my truth, my experiences, my thoughts and feelings. Reality is different for everyone. I believe in every single God and deity ever historically mentioned and a few more. To me, there is no right or wrong belief or religion, you've just gotta find what is right for you. I believe everyone's world is different. Some have Gods in their worlds, others do not. Some have been reincarnated, others have not. Some have a Heaven or Hell waiting for them, others do not. I don't think one thing would exclude the existence of another. This world, this reality, is far more complicated than anyone can ever even begin to understand.
In my world however, all gods and deities exist in some way, but the religions, the belief systems, are entirely created by humans. And there's nothing wrong with that, humans need such things. It's a result of the group mentality, that people generally want to group up into communities and feel like they belong somewhere. I don't find that strange or bad. I don't think religions are bad, but yes they can be harmful depending on how they are practiced. But even then, it's not the religion itself doing harm but the people following that religion.
So no, I'm not against any religion or belief system, I'm just trying to find which one might be right for me. I am a very religious person but I have no religion, and somehow that tends to clash in my head. And I feel as though this is actually an important thing in my life, something that I do need to figure out. I believe it can help me if I can understand my own beliefs better, if not fully. Cause for one thing, I can't understand how I can so strongly believe in God and Lucifer, Heaven and Hell, at the same time as I just as strongly believe in reincarnation. Those rarely seem to be lumped up in the same belief system and it bugs me.
I need a tailored religion to fit my beliefs. But where can I find such a thing? And also, my demon heritage plays in to this as well. The kind of demon I was/am is I believe similar to those of a Christian/Satanic view. What's that word now again... ah yes, "goethic" demon. To deny those right/left hand path believe systems would literally go against what I truly am. But I'm a reincarnated goethic demon and I think most people following any of those belief systems would just say "huh?" about that. Like it has no fucking logic according to those religions. Argh, it makes my head hurt trying to figure this shit out.
I think I will have to stop soon and post this before it becomes an entire book on how to be completely confused about one's religious bullshit. I will surely get back to this topic again someday, but perhaps not before I leave for Germany. But who knows, I might not be able to let go of it now, I don't know. I wasn't sure if I've ever told you about why my beliefs are the way they are and why I chose to be a Satanist back in spring 2013. But that it's changing now, and I might consider ditching that religion for something else or for no belief system at all. I have not decided anything yet, I think I need to figure out more shit first. So in the middle of this process, I give you my thoughts.
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Sunday, 26 June 2016
New dreams of you
I just had quite a complicate dream about you. It was a bit scary, but also had really nice moments and aspects to it. Your sweetness, your magic was portrayed beautifully. It started, the dream, with us being invited to my best friend's birthday party (although this was in the middle of summer) in Uppsala, but somehow we ended up in one of my dream versions of Uppsala instead and I realised that we were dreaming. And that you were in my dream, a lucid dream.
We got to the place where I used to believe I lived in another dream, and it was just a trailer this time. Then we had to get to where the party was through a very dangerous highway road. I knew about it since previous dreams so I warned you about it. Told you that the people that drive there do so with no speed limit and they never stop for anything. Literally, that they continue driving back and forth forever, in a very high speed. We didn't have a car but we did have a motorcycle which I drove us both on towards the party.
The ride was rough and eventually we did crash. We died and woke up in the "real" world again. However I thought that we were still within the lucid dream, and I was worried that you might be hurt from the crash, but I found you working on making a miniature blacksmith room in steel and wood and you were just fine. I wasn't quite as fine though as my whole body hurt and I could just barely move towards you. And then I woke up, for real.
So it was quite an interesting dream. And we were holding each other and being cute every once in a while so it was quite sweet too. But yeah, lucid dreaming together with you in a dream within a dream was a fascinating touch. A recurring feeling within my dreams was that I was scared of losing you if I didn't hold on tight enough. I thought that you would literally disappear in the lucid dream. But also I was so happy to have you around, and as soon as I woke up, I said the words "I miss you".
Somewhere in the dream I also spoke a little bit of German with you. I said "Ich denke" and you smiled at me for an answer. That was one of the sweet moments that we had. So, I just thought I'd tell you about this dream before I forget it. It's actually the third dream of you that I've had this month, but now the other two are mostly forgotten, as they happened a couple of weeks ago now. I was a bit skeptic towards those two earlier dreams, but this latest one I really think I like. Despite that horrible highway road, the crash and my constant fear of losing you then.
I liked that it was so complicated and in depth, and you should have seen how extremely detailed everything was. No detail was left out at all. And yeah, me having multiple universes in my subconscious mind that I am aware of while dreaming is also kinda fascinating to me. Because I remember dreams I had over a year ago while being in a new dream and I see the connections when I re-visit the same places. Thinking about this makes me a little bit dizzy, but sometimes it feels like I'm getting a step closer to understanding how my subconscious mind is wired by interpreting my dreams. Anyhow, I'll make this pretty short.
We got to the place where I used to believe I lived in another dream, and it was just a trailer this time. Then we had to get to where the party was through a very dangerous highway road. I knew about it since previous dreams so I warned you about it. Told you that the people that drive there do so with no speed limit and they never stop for anything. Literally, that they continue driving back and forth forever, in a very high speed. We didn't have a car but we did have a motorcycle which I drove us both on towards the party.
The ride was rough and eventually we did crash. We died and woke up in the "real" world again. However I thought that we were still within the lucid dream, and I was worried that you might be hurt from the crash, but I found you working on making a miniature blacksmith room in steel and wood and you were just fine. I wasn't quite as fine though as my whole body hurt and I could just barely move towards you. And then I woke up, for real.
So it was quite an interesting dream. And we were holding each other and being cute every once in a while so it was quite sweet too. But yeah, lucid dreaming together with you in a dream within a dream was a fascinating touch. A recurring feeling within my dreams was that I was scared of losing you if I didn't hold on tight enough. I thought that you would literally disappear in the lucid dream. But also I was so happy to have you around, and as soon as I woke up, I said the words "I miss you".
Somewhere in the dream I also spoke a little bit of German with you. I said "Ich denke" and you smiled at me for an answer. That was one of the sweet moments that we had. So, I just thought I'd tell you about this dream before I forget it. It's actually the third dream of you that I've had this month, but now the other two are mostly forgotten, as they happened a couple of weeks ago now. I was a bit skeptic towards those two earlier dreams, but this latest one I really think I like. Despite that horrible highway road, the crash and my constant fear of losing you then.
I liked that it was so complicated and in depth, and you should have seen how extremely detailed everything was. No detail was left out at all. And yeah, me having multiple universes in my subconscious mind that I am aware of while dreaming is also kinda fascinating to me. Because I remember dreams I had over a year ago while being in a new dream and I see the connections when I re-visit the same places. Thinking about this makes me a little bit dizzy, but sometimes it feels like I'm getting a step closer to understanding how my subconscious mind is wired by interpreting my dreams. Anyhow, I'll make this pretty short.
Sunday, 19 June 2016
Reasons to belong
So I just wrote a kinda strong poem about Dala that I posted on tumblr. Once again my words took me by surprise, especially at the last verse. I can still bring out things within me that I didn't know were there until they're written in front of me when I write. Dala... it's so confusing these days. As partially I'm letting go of my heaven, but partially I still hold on to it. I still want to go back, but what's changed is that I want to stay here too, first, before going back to Dala. I want to live my life but I still feel so fucking out of place here. And I don't know how to find my place, or if I ever will. No, it wouldn't be the whole world if I never will. I've accepted my alienation long ago.
That there's nowhere I truly feel like I belong. Not among other humans, or animals for that matter. Not among other goths, other transgender people, other gays, other world of warcraft nerds, others with asperger syndrome, others with borderline, others with eating disorders, others who can remember past lives, other Satanists, others who are otherkin and I can literally go on forever cause I've got quite a lot of labels and that's the thing. I can't fit into either one of those boxes because there's so much more to me that makes me stand out no matter where I go. But, I see it as that by not belonging anywhere, I also belong everywhere.
I'm quite good at adapting to almost any given situation or group of people. I may feel just as lost wherever I go, but that means I also feel just as found. In Dala it was the exact opposite, so... by my own logic (fucked up or not) that must mean that it was the exact same thing, but reversed. That thing about opposites actually being the same still tends to confuse me. It's like I just know that it is that way but I can't understand it. I'm just casually waiting for me to eventually understand it, as I don't think there's anything I can do to study it. Either I just understand it or I don't.
So much is still entangled in my mind. The wars are far from as intense as before but they still exist. I don't compete with myself, I don't care which part of me wins in whatever situation. Cause in the end there is no winning or losing and I can't win or lose cause I'm fighting with myself. But I can't just stop the wars either, so I let them go on as I shrug and keep doing whatever instead. Of course I want peace in my own damn head but I know that time is not an issue and this isn't something that can be rushed. I need to let it sort itself out. And it will, eventually it will.
The war on whether I can go back to Dala or not is completely pointless. I cannot decide if I can go back there or not, at least not as far as I know. But what I've been trying to figure out, and what the poem is about, is what does Dala mean to me now? Now that I'm no longer aching desperately to go back there every single second of my life? Now that I look at it differently, as a part of my past rather than a part of my present. That it no longer defines who I am, only who I was. Of course my memories still impact my life and everything that I truly am, but they don't make me who I am.
I am someone else now, yet I will always be the same. In a way, I'm breaking free from Dala, or rather from my memories of Dala. I do that in order to be able to live this life as fully as possible. I don't mean to bury Dala somewhere six feet under, but I mean to gently put it aside until I need it again whenever that will be. I can't let it bring me down anymore. I can't keep living in the past if I want to be able to make the most out of this life. But the question that keeps popping up in my head is: "who am I without Dala?"
I can't be human, I don't identify that way. I can live as one, sort of half assed and weirdly, barely even passing for a human being. I mean, often times it feels like I'm just walking around wearing a really badly made Halloween costume meant to look like a caucasian human that some fucker made while being both drunk as fuck and stoned. Like I'm not fooling anyone, but more likely just scaring people with that really horrible costume. What makes me even believe that everyone can see right through me?
Cause it's a lot more likely that people wouldn't believe that I'm actually a demon if I told them. Somehow I have a harder time believing that. Like how can they not see? I'm obviously not one of them! And it's been so obvious to me all my life, I had to be told I wasn't myself anymore to be able to understand what it is that others see when they look at me. Then how can I let go of who I was...?
I can't even understand who I am now. I still feel like I've just been stuffed into a strange new body that I can't relate to. 27 years and I still feel like my soul is chafing against my body's edges. Some things have gotten a lot better since last time I checked though. I don't hate my body anymore, it's quite okay for a human body and there's nothing wrong with human bodies in general. It's just not what I'm used to. And I don't think I ever will be. And beneath all the self hatred I've been living with, there's also always been a lot of self love. I've always loved my uniqueness and strangeness despite how much trouble it's caused me.
I will always keep being me no matter what kind of life I'm living. To me that is a great comfort, these days it is. As is also that I will always have my home with me in my heart, wherever I go. Something just hit me. You've said that you don't really feel at home anywhere, while for me I have a very specific space that is my only true home. I've been thinking about this before and what it could mean. Perhaps the way you perceived Dala was not how I perceived it. Perhaps there are deeper meanings as to why you don't have such memories. Something that connects us, or could have driven us apart. Something neither of us are meant to understand before it's time for us to. I haven't really been able to let go of that.
I accept things as they are now, but I still find myself wondering why they are the way they are. Like what's the exact reasons? I know I will understand everything eventually, and I'm not forcing myself to understand things that are still beyond what I can grasp. I'm merely sniffing around and see if I can pick up some interesting scents of things, instead of digging endless amounts of holes that I would likely just fall into and get myself buried in. I don't want to dig too deep as I have a strong sensation that would lead me off my path. I'm not meant to rush things.
I've been doing that my entire life up until recently and that certainly didn't turn out well. I'm still alive, obviously, but I just have that feeling that I've been going about solving things entirely the wrong way. With desperation and obsession leading me to all sorts of scary places. One of my strongest fears is still that I won't ever be able to return to Dala again. And I have a feeling that it might turn out that way, as long as I cling to that fear, but that if I can let go and accept that yeah, I might not be able to go back, then there's a chance.
And I know that fear is tossing and turning and screaming within me. I try to just let it be, let it have at it for as long as it needs to. It can't harm me, it's just a feeling, ways for me to describe a feeling that is older than I am. Most feelings are, come to think of it. However, I know there's no harm in letting that specific feeling tumble around within me until it's done with that. Until I know what to do with it. I no longer believe that fears should be fought, but rather handled with gentleness and care. Soothe them, let them rage around and eventually they might not be so scary anymore. But as for now, I'm still within the process, or several different processes at the same time. Nothing I can't handle, not for now at least. I do prioritise several different things at the same time, as they all seem to be of the same kind of importance. At least for now.
That there's nowhere I truly feel like I belong. Not among other humans, or animals for that matter. Not among other goths, other transgender people, other gays, other world of warcraft nerds, others with asperger syndrome, others with borderline, others with eating disorders, others who can remember past lives, other Satanists, others who are otherkin and I can literally go on forever cause I've got quite a lot of labels and that's the thing. I can't fit into either one of those boxes because there's so much more to me that makes me stand out no matter where I go. But, I see it as that by not belonging anywhere, I also belong everywhere.
I'm quite good at adapting to almost any given situation or group of people. I may feel just as lost wherever I go, but that means I also feel just as found. In Dala it was the exact opposite, so... by my own logic (fucked up or not) that must mean that it was the exact same thing, but reversed. That thing about opposites actually being the same still tends to confuse me. It's like I just know that it is that way but I can't understand it. I'm just casually waiting for me to eventually understand it, as I don't think there's anything I can do to study it. Either I just understand it or I don't.
So much is still entangled in my mind. The wars are far from as intense as before but they still exist. I don't compete with myself, I don't care which part of me wins in whatever situation. Cause in the end there is no winning or losing and I can't win or lose cause I'm fighting with myself. But I can't just stop the wars either, so I let them go on as I shrug and keep doing whatever instead. Of course I want peace in my own damn head but I know that time is not an issue and this isn't something that can be rushed. I need to let it sort itself out. And it will, eventually it will.
The war on whether I can go back to Dala or not is completely pointless. I cannot decide if I can go back there or not, at least not as far as I know. But what I've been trying to figure out, and what the poem is about, is what does Dala mean to me now? Now that I'm no longer aching desperately to go back there every single second of my life? Now that I look at it differently, as a part of my past rather than a part of my present. That it no longer defines who I am, only who I was. Of course my memories still impact my life and everything that I truly am, but they don't make me who I am.
I am someone else now, yet I will always be the same. In a way, I'm breaking free from Dala, or rather from my memories of Dala. I do that in order to be able to live this life as fully as possible. I don't mean to bury Dala somewhere six feet under, but I mean to gently put it aside until I need it again whenever that will be. I can't let it bring me down anymore. I can't keep living in the past if I want to be able to make the most out of this life. But the question that keeps popping up in my head is: "who am I without Dala?"
I can't be human, I don't identify that way. I can live as one, sort of half assed and weirdly, barely even passing for a human being. I mean, often times it feels like I'm just walking around wearing a really badly made Halloween costume meant to look like a caucasian human that some fucker made while being both drunk as fuck and stoned. Like I'm not fooling anyone, but more likely just scaring people with that really horrible costume. What makes me even believe that everyone can see right through me?
Cause it's a lot more likely that people wouldn't believe that I'm actually a demon if I told them. Somehow I have a harder time believing that. Like how can they not see? I'm obviously not one of them! And it's been so obvious to me all my life, I had to be told I wasn't myself anymore to be able to understand what it is that others see when they look at me. Then how can I let go of who I was...?
I can't even understand who I am now. I still feel like I've just been stuffed into a strange new body that I can't relate to. 27 years and I still feel like my soul is chafing against my body's edges. Some things have gotten a lot better since last time I checked though. I don't hate my body anymore, it's quite okay for a human body and there's nothing wrong with human bodies in general. It's just not what I'm used to. And I don't think I ever will be. And beneath all the self hatred I've been living with, there's also always been a lot of self love. I've always loved my uniqueness and strangeness despite how much trouble it's caused me.
I will always keep being me no matter what kind of life I'm living. To me that is a great comfort, these days it is. As is also that I will always have my home with me in my heart, wherever I go. Something just hit me. You've said that you don't really feel at home anywhere, while for me I have a very specific space that is my only true home. I've been thinking about this before and what it could mean. Perhaps the way you perceived Dala was not how I perceived it. Perhaps there are deeper meanings as to why you don't have such memories. Something that connects us, or could have driven us apart. Something neither of us are meant to understand before it's time for us to. I haven't really been able to let go of that.
I accept things as they are now, but I still find myself wondering why they are the way they are. Like what's the exact reasons? I know I will understand everything eventually, and I'm not forcing myself to understand things that are still beyond what I can grasp. I'm merely sniffing around and see if I can pick up some interesting scents of things, instead of digging endless amounts of holes that I would likely just fall into and get myself buried in. I don't want to dig too deep as I have a strong sensation that would lead me off my path. I'm not meant to rush things.
I've been doing that my entire life up until recently and that certainly didn't turn out well. I'm still alive, obviously, but I just have that feeling that I've been going about solving things entirely the wrong way. With desperation and obsession leading me to all sorts of scary places. One of my strongest fears is still that I won't ever be able to return to Dala again. And I have a feeling that it might turn out that way, as long as I cling to that fear, but that if I can let go and accept that yeah, I might not be able to go back, then there's a chance.
And I know that fear is tossing and turning and screaming within me. I try to just let it be, let it have at it for as long as it needs to. It can't harm me, it's just a feeling, ways for me to describe a feeling that is older than I am. Most feelings are, come to think of it. However, I know there's no harm in letting that specific feeling tumble around within me until it's done with that. Until I know what to do with it. I no longer believe that fears should be fought, but rather handled with gentleness and care. Soothe them, let them rage around and eventually they might not be so scary anymore. But as for now, I'm still within the process, or several different processes at the same time. Nothing I can't handle, not for now at least. I do prioritise several different things at the same time, as they all seem to be of the same kind of importance. At least for now.
Saturday, 18 June 2016
About today
I think that "Traum" is one of my favourite German words, and I first heard of it in the movie "Shutter Island" years ago. It stuck with me somehow and I think it's beautiful. I'm looking up more music by Schiller on Spotify and I do like what I find cause I keep re-listening to the same songs over and over again. I'm so exhausted today cause I picked up my passport, saw my therapist and bought a suitcase. I couldn't quite recover from that exhaustion by napping after I got back home again.
Not sure if you noticed, but I sent you my autobiography to your e-mail a couple of days ago. I hope all the files work as intended/that you can open them.
I've mostly been playing WoW since after I was done napping. Got my blood elf monk on the German server Malygos up to level 52 before I needed a break. Think he was at 47 when I logged in today.
I have so much shit to say but I'm too tired and exhausted to write anything significant that requires thinking. Ah, I have stuff to do these days. Like I kinda need to sew on my swim shorts a bit cause they're too big on me and if I have any plans on going swimming soonish I should make sure that my swim shorts don't fall off me when trying to wear them. I do have vague plans on maybe visiting my family over Midsummer's and to then maybe also swim around in the lake close to their house as well if the weather will be at least halfway decent by then.
Also my classmates have been talking about going to a beach somewhere on this island sometime this summer and I would like to go with them then. And maybe coming out as trans to them if they'd ask about my top surgery scars too, if they'll see me in just swim shorts, that is. I don't know, it's been on my mind however.
So, I would need to at least have wearable swim shorts that don't just fall off me. But I can't afford to buy new ones. Especially not now. So I'll work on my half decent sewing skills instead and see what I can do. I wanted to do that today but I was all out of energy, so that didn't happen.
Okay, definitely time for bed now.
Not sure if you noticed, but I sent you my autobiography to your e-mail a couple of days ago. I hope all the files work as intended/that you can open them.
I've mostly been playing WoW since after I was done napping. Got my blood elf monk on the German server Malygos up to level 52 before I needed a break. Think he was at 47 when I logged in today.
I have so much shit to say but I'm too tired and exhausted to write anything significant that requires thinking. Ah, I have stuff to do these days. Like I kinda need to sew on my swim shorts a bit cause they're too big on me and if I have any plans on going swimming soonish I should make sure that my swim shorts don't fall off me when trying to wear them. I do have vague plans on maybe visiting my family over Midsummer's and to then maybe also swim around in the lake close to their house as well if the weather will be at least halfway decent by then.
Also my classmates have been talking about going to a beach somewhere on this island sometime this summer and I would like to go with them then. And maybe coming out as trans to them if they'd ask about my top surgery scars too, if they'll see me in just swim shorts, that is. I don't know, it's been on my mind however.
So, I would need to at least have wearable swim shorts that don't just fall off me. But I can't afford to buy new ones. Especially not now. So I'll work on my half decent sewing skills instead and see what I can do. I wanted to do that today but I was all out of energy, so that didn't happen.
Okay, definitely time for bed now.
Thursday, 9 June 2016
Things going well, mostly
Damn that's annoying, I tried for ages to say "Sie schwimmt" in German on duolingo but for some unknown reason kept failing and just couldn't pass that part of the lesson. Eventually I had to turn off the microphone and do the lesson without that. It was the only way to finish it without me breaking my computer in rage and screaming "fuck you" into my microphone. I think I tried like 10 times or something. I feel I don't need to know how to say "she is swimming" in German right now. That I can kinda make do without that tiny piece of knowledge.
I've now applied for a passport and they said it will be done on Wednesday next week. The plan is I pick it up the following Friday though, cause that's when I'll see my psychologist again next time. Then I plan to look for a bigger suitcase as well. Too bad I have to do everything in bloody Visby cause there's nothing here in Hemse. Except I thought I'd look for a coffee machine in Hemse, at least take a look at the prices and see if it's worth it. I'm thinking a couple of hundred kronor should be alright for a coffee machine, but not more than 300, or something like that.
I needed a break from duolingo, first time I got angry at it. I've been texting my teacher as well, and he asked if I'm available tomorrow forenoon, which I am, as long as I manage to wake up. I told him I need to talk to him preferably before the end of June. Oh, just got another text, 10:00 o'clock tomorrow. I'll tell my mother to call and wake me up at 9 or something.
I took a nap not long ago and I dreamed about you, right before waking up. I was at your place and your friend had cooked dinner for us. I wasn't hungry at first so I just watched you eat, but then I got hungry and joined in. Then I woke up.
Okay I can barely hear my own voice now, so the music is loud enough. I'm trying to write a poem but it's not going so well. First off, I'm distracted as fuck, secondly, I have no idea what it should be about. And I'm so fucking tired as well. This day totally drained me and neither napping nor coffee seemed to help. Now it's too late for any of those. So I just smoke instead. It's never too late for that, or too early for that matter.
I just told my mother more about my plans and my thoughts regarding medication and she said she will count how many pills I have and see if I'll need more. So... I'm thinking she is actually gonna let me bring enough medication for my stay in Germany. Then she asked me about what I'm thinking in regards to flights, like money wise and such. It's probably not gonna be all that cheap since I can't really book a flight a month ahead, but yeah. The flight back to Sweden I could of course book at the same time as the flight to Germany so that one could possibly become a bit cheaper though.
When I talked to my psychologist she mentioned I might need a certificate for bringing certain medications, and now my mother thought maybe I would need a certificate for bringing my dose of testosterone as well. I know that here in Sweden it's illegal to have testosterone in your possession without a doctor having prescribed it to you, and I'm not sure what bringing that stuff into Germany might or might not require. However, fixing a certificate would not be problematic, according to my psychologist.
I'm really trying to not just bluntly ask my mother how come she's suddenly okay with me going to Germany, but as far as how good things are going now, it seems like she suddenly is. Or she just knows she can't stop me. I'm trying to just be as responsible and independent as I possibly can and hope she sees some kind of improvement or what not. That I can do this. So then I'll also meet my teacher to tell him about my situation and summer/future plans and then we'll see how that goes. I mean if he'll be understanding or not. Then I'll have laundry later on tomorrow as well. I feel even more tired just thinking about it.
I've now applied for a passport and they said it will be done on Wednesday next week. The plan is I pick it up the following Friday though, cause that's when I'll see my psychologist again next time. Then I plan to look for a bigger suitcase as well. Too bad I have to do everything in bloody Visby cause there's nothing here in Hemse. Except I thought I'd look for a coffee machine in Hemse, at least take a look at the prices and see if it's worth it. I'm thinking a couple of hundred kronor should be alright for a coffee machine, but not more than 300, or something like that.
I needed a break from duolingo, first time I got angry at it. I've been texting my teacher as well, and he asked if I'm available tomorrow forenoon, which I am, as long as I manage to wake up. I told him I need to talk to him preferably before the end of June. Oh, just got another text, 10:00 o'clock tomorrow. I'll tell my mother to call and wake me up at 9 or something.
I took a nap not long ago and I dreamed about you, right before waking up. I was at your place and your friend had cooked dinner for us. I wasn't hungry at first so I just watched you eat, but then I got hungry and joined in. Then I woke up.
Okay I can barely hear my own voice now, so the music is loud enough. I'm trying to write a poem but it's not going so well. First off, I'm distracted as fuck, secondly, I have no idea what it should be about. And I'm so fucking tired as well. This day totally drained me and neither napping nor coffee seemed to help. Now it's too late for any of those. So I just smoke instead. It's never too late for that, or too early for that matter.
I just told my mother more about my plans and my thoughts regarding medication and she said she will count how many pills I have and see if I'll need more. So... I'm thinking she is actually gonna let me bring enough medication for my stay in Germany. Then she asked me about what I'm thinking in regards to flights, like money wise and such. It's probably not gonna be all that cheap since I can't really book a flight a month ahead, but yeah. The flight back to Sweden I could of course book at the same time as the flight to Germany so that one could possibly become a bit cheaper though.
When I talked to my psychologist she mentioned I might need a certificate for bringing certain medications, and now my mother thought maybe I would need a certificate for bringing my dose of testosterone as well. I know that here in Sweden it's illegal to have testosterone in your possession without a doctor having prescribed it to you, and I'm not sure what bringing that stuff into Germany might or might not require. However, fixing a certificate would not be problematic, according to my psychologist.
I'm really trying to not just bluntly ask my mother how come she's suddenly okay with me going to Germany, but as far as how good things are going now, it seems like she suddenly is. Or she just knows she can't stop me. I'm trying to just be as responsible and independent as I possibly can and hope she sees some kind of improvement or what not. That I can do this. So then I'll also meet my teacher to tell him about my situation and summer/future plans and then we'll see how that goes. I mean if he'll be understanding or not. Then I'll have laundry later on tomorrow as well. I feel even more tired just thinking about it.
Saturday, 4 June 2016
So much to smile about
May... you came and went. I will always remember you with warmth in my heart. It's been the most amazing, exciting, wonderful month. I'm back in my apartment after the travel from Uppsala. I don't know what I feel. Lonely, sort of empty but full of all that's happened lately. The memories keep replaying in my head. They make me smile. Your music echoes between the walls of my smokey apartment. You were still logged in on my computer so I took the chance, I hope that's okay. I wish I could write it all down somewhere cause it's so much good music that I will just never be able to remember.
I flew back to Visby from Arlanda yesterday so not so much exhausting travels, but still it took a fair bit of energy. Especially since I didn't have any time for coffee, cigarettes or breakfast in the morning. But oh well, I got my tired ass back to this god forsaken island where my mother picked me up.
My teacher at school sent me text messages about us having a meeting yesterday at 14:00 but I totally dissed him to stay in Uppsala for as long as possible. He also told me that if I wanted to continue school at the course I currently go, I need to be there on summer activities and meetings or else I can forget it. My immediate response was "fuck that shit I'm going to Germany instead" and that seeing you again is way more important to me than school.
No, I didn't tell him that but that's how I prioritise, then we'll see if I won't be able to continue at Livskraft next term because of that.
Late on June 1st I went with my friends to my best friend's parents in Alunda (they had to leave their guinea pigs there since they were going away for a festival) and it was nice seeing them again as well. It's been 7 years since I last met her parents. Her mother is really nice and we had some nice conversations, and her father had one of his good days, I guess. He did not insult me, to everyone's surprise apparently. What I've heard is that he's not exactly accepting or understanding of that I'm trans and gay, I guess you could say he's a bit "old fashioned" in that department or what do I know. But yeah, he didn't say anything mean or ignorant to me that evening, so that's good.
When I last met him must have been around the time I came out as trans, back in 2009. That was when my family moved to Gotland and I moved to Uppsala. I don't remember much of how he used to be back then, but he was polite to me yesterday. We mostly talked about Gotland (the lack of water here mostly) and my family members, although he didn't ask anything about my mother for some unknown reason. I don't remember if the two of them ever got along in the past.
Alunda hadn't changed much since I was there last time. I knew the school where I spend most of my time between age 6 and 16 had been re-built a few years ago, and it stung within me when we drew past the sports field behind the school where I had been assaulted at the age of 9. Yeah, literally staring at the exact spot through the car window for the first time in 11 years did have some effect on me. Then we drove around in the center a bit to look at what else had changed. The grocery store is bigger now, some stores had changed or shut down but over all there wasn't much difference.
For some reason, I would have liked to show you around there. Maybe someday I will. If I'll come to live there one day. Then I'll probably have fika with my best friend's parents more often than she does. I know I used to visit them when they all 3 lived there, back when I was a teen. I visited them a lot between age 12-ish and 19-ish and a little before as well. It felt weird visiting that place for the first time in 7 years. I remembered some streets from my nightly dreams as I often tend to visit them when I'm asleep. It left me feeling weird, excited, horrible and nostalgic all at once. It's not the place that sucks though, it's not worse than Hemse, it's most of the people that used to live there when I grew up that sucked. And I won't be bothered by them if I move there.
Haha, would actually be quite fun to see some of my former classmates from elementary school again and or their parents just to shock them with what I've become and always been.
I haven't written here for exactly a month until now. Yes, my finger dances over the keyboard effortlessly as if no time at all has passed. Muscle memory, I guess.
The void you left behind ever since the second you left has been painful. No, I'm not blaming you on my pain, I don't blame anyone or anything. Just thought I should tell you about that, how hard it's been. I remember stroking the door frame to my friends' apartment the second after you closed it, feeling the pain hitting me immediately. I didn't know what to do with myself. That day went by slowly. I figured out how to use the coffee machine and had 7 cups of coffee in 11 hours. I borrowed his computer without having asked first. No snooping, just checked my facebook and tumblr, that was all I was interested in. 11 hours of pain and loneliness. I think I cried at least 2 times, as I tried to rest on the couch.
I stayed awake, although just barely. The heat out on the balcony was unbearable and I thought about you, how you were coping with the heat. I for sure wasn't coping. More like dying. I sat on a spot on the floor where there was shadow, shirtless to not drench my tank top in the sweat that was literally pouring out from me, sunglasses on and well yeah, just suffered through it every time I had to smoke until about 19:00 o'clock when the temperature started getting decent again.
Then I had some time with my best friend just her and me and that was nice too. We could catch up a bit more. I told her that was the reason I wanted to stay in Uppsala a little while longer after you left and it's true. I'm still trying to process all of my memories and they keep replaying in my mind randomly. I write them down as they come to me. I will most likely write more about May here later on, but right now I feel more like just writing about the past few days and about what state I'm in right now. I'm not gonna do much today but taking it easy, smoking, writing, checking the online sites every once in a while and maybe also play some WoW.
It's gonna be difficult, not being able to talk as much and often as we did when we were in the same place, to not feel your touch, or look you in your eyes, but as you said: "soon". I hold on to that.
I have so much to say, yet I'm only writing about the past few days or so. So much has changed, for the better. Damn of course it's for the better! I smile so much recently, at first I wasn't used to it so my face kinda twitched from the tension, but it seems to have lessened with time. Now I smile more effortlessly, and I have so much to smile about. Although I still feel that pain, it's not numbing me. It's there, but it doesn't take over all the good things. I wouldn't let it.
I look at the picture of us where you smile the most and it's making me smile too. Over and over again. Damn it's so beautiful, your smile. Even if it is just a still picture. It's my background picture on my cell phone now.
I googled some stuff about how to get a passport and it seems pretty easy. Just get my ass to the police station in Visby wherever that is, bring my ID-card, 350 kronor and look good for the photo. Pretty much it. It should take about a week for it to get done. I feel like I can't sit still. Like I've gotta do stuff immediately but I'm all out of energy and don't really know where to start. I should take it easy for a while. I haven't even begun trying to talk my mother into "letting" me go. If she won't "let" me I'll just go anyway, but that thing about my medication can be difficult. Then I'd most likely have to fix an appointment with my doctor and tell him the whole thing and that I need lots of my pills for when I leave. Maybe also throw in that I'm not planning on overdosing on anything at all and that I've been taking my medications the way I'm supposed to for a long time now. Maybe I'd even try to make it so that my mother no longer can have control over my medications anymore, if at all possible.
I mean, I am an adult, legally and I'm in charge of myself in every single way, it shouldn't be impossible to just shred those papers I signed in the past or something. I mean, if that would be a necessary thing to do and a possibility, I'm all for it. I think, if I can guess wildly, that what my mother is the most scared of, is me being on my own so far away from her and for a longer period of time. I can always tell her that I won't be completely alone in a to me foreign country, I mean I'll have you, but in the end it's my decision and I know that. It's just that I do still care about her and love her enough to want to assure her that I'll be more than okay.
What I do care about is that I don't want her to worry too much about me, but if she's gonna try to control me then I won't give a damn about her. I know very well it won't be too much for me, I know I'll make it to your place and I know it will be awesome. She's the one who's always just focused on everything that could possibly go wrong. I don't blame her, I mean my life hasn't exactly been easy, but what I can't understand is why she's trying to control me like she does. Or well, I guess I can understand it, I just don't want it to be that way at all.
Just thinking about visiting you makes me smile so damn much. To see where you live, thinking about all the things we might do there and in the general area, and of course to be close to you again. I just want to do everything at once to get it all done as fast as possible but I know I shouldn't rush things cause that never ends well. I should stay here for a moment and just fucking breathe a bit before I go stressing myself out. This week has pretty much ended, so I plan on taking care of the passport business sometime in the beginning of next week or so. Today I'm dead, then it's weekend. So rest for a few days now is probably exactly what I need. But I'm so eager, so excited...
And I'm gonna ask my mother when my next shot of testosterone in July will be, as she should know. Keeping count and all, which I don't, for some reason. I can't even remember when I had my last shot, but sometime in March, I think, cause I just counted sloppily 15 weeks-ish from then and came to the quick conclusion that the next one should be sometime in July. My mind just keep racing but my body is so tired now. I should probably post this shit soon.
Okay I asked my mother when I should take my next shot of testosterone and she said it's on July 7th. That's a Thursday, but I know it's not extremely important that I get it on that exact day. Any day that week or the next should be good. I told my mother about my passport plans and she wasn't against that, actually she suggested we go to the police station together on Wednesday when I have my next appointment with my psychologist. Oh, and I found my glasses in my backpack, so I didn't forget to bring them.
I just logged you out from google on my computer or else I wouldn't have been able to post this blog entry since I needed to be logged in on my own account.
I think about our goodbye at my best friends' apartment a lot. Maybe a bit too much, I never know what's too much in terms of thoughts. But, at least a few times a day, maybe more. I meant it, you know, I really really meant what I said. It had been on my mind and in my heart and soul for quite some time, but I was scared of saying it too soon. Then I got scared of saying it too late. I don't regret what I said at all, but I know it must have been overwhelming for you. I won't say more about that here, I think it's more of a thing that's maybe between you and me and not the entire world, but I don't know. Please tell me if I'm too open about us here. It's just that I'm so very proud of having you by my side that I want the whole world to know. What I mean is I want to write about anything and everything that I'm feeling and thinking but of course not everything about you. Just my perspective, if that makes any sense. But if it's not appropriate of course I'll shut up about it.
I mean I don't have to tell the world, especially if you're not comfortable with that, but yeah, I want for like literally everyone to know how happy I am with you. I really am, damn. Happy on my own as well, but it wouldn't be the same without you at all.
All that brought me here
"I've been searching for what's lost
not knowing what I was missing the most
holding on to fading echoes vanishing too fast
I've always been in your shadow cast
Clutching at the remains of my past
the memories of what will always last
trapped in my soul, I'll let you in
to explore and discover what's within
And I open what's always been closed
the gates to my core now fully exposed
and I breathe with your heartbeat in your light
hold your darkness through day and night
Succumb to the fire consuming me
asking myself how can all of this be
but our magic is the answer and I know
that not all can be explained but it can show
I held your hand and I wouldn't lose my grip
cause I felt it all through my fingertip
all that got me lost and eventually brought me here
filled the void and broke out in a single tear"
I flew back to Visby from Arlanda yesterday so not so much exhausting travels, but still it took a fair bit of energy. Especially since I didn't have any time for coffee, cigarettes or breakfast in the morning. But oh well, I got my tired ass back to this god forsaken island where my mother picked me up.
My teacher at school sent me text messages about us having a meeting yesterday at 14:00 but I totally dissed him to stay in Uppsala for as long as possible. He also told me that if I wanted to continue school at the course I currently go, I need to be there on summer activities and meetings or else I can forget it. My immediate response was "fuck that shit I'm going to Germany instead" and that seeing you again is way more important to me than school.
No, I didn't tell him that but that's how I prioritise, then we'll see if I won't be able to continue at Livskraft next term because of that.
Late on June 1st I went with my friends to my best friend's parents in Alunda (they had to leave their guinea pigs there since they were going away for a festival) and it was nice seeing them again as well. It's been 7 years since I last met her parents. Her mother is really nice and we had some nice conversations, and her father had one of his good days, I guess. He did not insult me, to everyone's surprise apparently. What I've heard is that he's not exactly accepting or understanding of that I'm trans and gay, I guess you could say he's a bit "old fashioned" in that department or what do I know. But yeah, he didn't say anything mean or ignorant to me that evening, so that's good.
When I last met him must have been around the time I came out as trans, back in 2009. That was when my family moved to Gotland and I moved to Uppsala. I don't remember much of how he used to be back then, but he was polite to me yesterday. We mostly talked about Gotland (the lack of water here mostly) and my family members, although he didn't ask anything about my mother for some unknown reason. I don't remember if the two of them ever got along in the past.
Alunda hadn't changed much since I was there last time. I knew the school where I spend most of my time between age 6 and 16 had been re-built a few years ago, and it stung within me when we drew past the sports field behind the school where I had been assaulted at the age of 9. Yeah, literally staring at the exact spot through the car window for the first time in 11 years did have some effect on me. Then we drove around in the center a bit to look at what else had changed. The grocery store is bigger now, some stores had changed or shut down but over all there wasn't much difference.
For some reason, I would have liked to show you around there. Maybe someday I will. If I'll come to live there one day. Then I'll probably have fika with my best friend's parents more often than she does. I know I used to visit them when they all 3 lived there, back when I was a teen. I visited them a lot between age 12-ish and 19-ish and a little before as well. It felt weird visiting that place for the first time in 7 years. I remembered some streets from my nightly dreams as I often tend to visit them when I'm asleep. It left me feeling weird, excited, horrible and nostalgic all at once. It's not the place that sucks though, it's not worse than Hemse, it's most of the people that used to live there when I grew up that sucked. And I won't be bothered by them if I move there.
Haha, would actually be quite fun to see some of my former classmates from elementary school again and or their parents just to shock them with what I've become and always been.
I haven't written here for exactly a month until now. Yes, my finger dances over the keyboard effortlessly as if no time at all has passed. Muscle memory, I guess.
The void you left behind ever since the second you left has been painful. No, I'm not blaming you on my pain, I don't blame anyone or anything. Just thought I should tell you about that, how hard it's been. I remember stroking the door frame to my friends' apartment the second after you closed it, feeling the pain hitting me immediately. I didn't know what to do with myself. That day went by slowly. I figured out how to use the coffee machine and had 7 cups of coffee in 11 hours. I borrowed his computer without having asked first. No snooping, just checked my facebook and tumblr, that was all I was interested in. 11 hours of pain and loneliness. I think I cried at least 2 times, as I tried to rest on the couch.
I stayed awake, although just barely. The heat out on the balcony was unbearable and I thought about you, how you were coping with the heat. I for sure wasn't coping. More like dying. I sat on a spot on the floor where there was shadow, shirtless to not drench my tank top in the sweat that was literally pouring out from me, sunglasses on and well yeah, just suffered through it every time I had to smoke until about 19:00 o'clock when the temperature started getting decent again.
Then I had some time with my best friend just her and me and that was nice too. We could catch up a bit more. I told her that was the reason I wanted to stay in Uppsala a little while longer after you left and it's true. I'm still trying to process all of my memories and they keep replaying in my mind randomly. I write them down as they come to me. I will most likely write more about May here later on, but right now I feel more like just writing about the past few days and about what state I'm in right now. I'm not gonna do much today but taking it easy, smoking, writing, checking the online sites every once in a while and maybe also play some WoW.
It's gonna be difficult, not being able to talk as much and often as we did when we were in the same place, to not feel your touch, or look you in your eyes, but as you said: "soon". I hold on to that.
I have so much to say, yet I'm only writing about the past few days or so. So much has changed, for the better. Damn of course it's for the better! I smile so much recently, at first I wasn't used to it so my face kinda twitched from the tension, but it seems to have lessened with time. Now I smile more effortlessly, and I have so much to smile about. Although I still feel that pain, it's not numbing me. It's there, but it doesn't take over all the good things. I wouldn't let it.
I look at the picture of us where you smile the most and it's making me smile too. Over and over again. Damn it's so beautiful, your smile. Even if it is just a still picture. It's my background picture on my cell phone now.
I googled some stuff about how to get a passport and it seems pretty easy. Just get my ass to the police station in Visby wherever that is, bring my ID-card, 350 kronor and look good for the photo. Pretty much it. It should take about a week for it to get done. I feel like I can't sit still. Like I've gotta do stuff immediately but I'm all out of energy and don't really know where to start. I should take it easy for a while. I haven't even begun trying to talk my mother into "letting" me go. If she won't "let" me I'll just go anyway, but that thing about my medication can be difficult. Then I'd most likely have to fix an appointment with my doctor and tell him the whole thing and that I need lots of my pills for when I leave. Maybe also throw in that I'm not planning on overdosing on anything at all and that I've been taking my medications the way I'm supposed to for a long time now. Maybe I'd even try to make it so that my mother no longer can have control over my medications anymore, if at all possible.
I mean, I am an adult, legally and I'm in charge of myself in every single way, it shouldn't be impossible to just shred those papers I signed in the past or something. I mean, if that would be a necessary thing to do and a possibility, I'm all for it. I think, if I can guess wildly, that what my mother is the most scared of, is me being on my own so far away from her and for a longer period of time. I can always tell her that I won't be completely alone in a to me foreign country, I mean I'll have you, but in the end it's my decision and I know that. It's just that I do still care about her and love her enough to want to assure her that I'll be more than okay.
What I do care about is that I don't want her to worry too much about me, but if she's gonna try to control me then I won't give a damn about her. I know very well it won't be too much for me, I know I'll make it to your place and I know it will be awesome. She's the one who's always just focused on everything that could possibly go wrong. I don't blame her, I mean my life hasn't exactly been easy, but what I can't understand is why she's trying to control me like she does. Or well, I guess I can understand it, I just don't want it to be that way at all.
Just thinking about visiting you makes me smile so damn much. To see where you live, thinking about all the things we might do there and in the general area, and of course to be close to you again. I just want to do everything at once to get it all done as fast as possible but I know I shouldn't rush things cause that never ends well. I should stay here for a moment and just fucking breathe a bit before I go stressing myself out. This week has pretty much ended, so I plan on taking care of the passport business sometime in the beginning of next week or so. Today I'm dead, then it's weekend. So rest for a few days now is probably exactly what I need. But I'm so eager, so excited...
And I'm gonna ask my mother when my next shot of testosterone in July will be, as she should know. Keeping count and all, which I don't, for some reason. I can't even remember when I had my last shot, but sometime in March, I think, cause I just counted sloppily 15 weeks-ish from then and came to the quick conclusion that the next one should be sometime in July. My mind just keep racing but my body is so tired now. I should probably post this shit soon.
Okay I asked my mother when I should take my next shot of testosterone and she said it's on July 7th. That's a Thursday, but I know it's not extremely important that I get it on that exact day. Any day that week or the next should be good. I told my mother about my passport plans and she wasn't against that, actually she suggested we go to the police station together on Wednesday when I have my next appointment with my psychologist. Oh, and I found my glasses in my backpack, so I didn't forget to bring them.
I just logged you out from google on my computer or else I wouldn't have been able to post this blog entry since I needed to be logged in on my own account.
I think about our goodbye at my best friends' apartment a lot. Maybe a bit too much, I never know what's too much in terms of thoughts. But, at least a few times a day, maybe more. I meant it, you know, I really really meant what I said. It had been on my mind and in my heart and soul for quite some time, but I was scared of saying it too soon. Then I got scared of saying it too late. I don't regret what I said at all, but I know it must have been overwhelming for you. I won't say more about that here, I think it's more of a thing that's maybe between you and me and not the entire world, but I don't know. Please tell me if I'm too open about us here. It's just that I'm so very proud of having you by my side that I want the whole world to know. What I mean is I want to write about anything and everything that I'm feeling and thinking but of course not everything about you. Just my perspective, if that makes any sense. But if it's not appropriate of course I'll shut up about it.
I mean I don't have to tell the world, especially if you're not comfortable with that, but yeah, I want for like literally everyone to know how happy I am with you. I really am, damn. Happy on my own as well, but it wouldn't be the same without you at all.
All that brought me here
"I've been searching for what's lost
not knowing what I was missing the most
holding on to fading echoes vanishing too fast
I've always been in your shadow cast
Clutching at the remains of my past
the memories of what will always last
trapped in my soul, I'll let you in
to explore and discover what's within
And I open what's always been closed
the gates to my core now fully exposed
and I breathe with your heartbeat in your light
hold your darkness through day and night
Succumb to the fire consuming me
asking myself how can all of this be
but our magic is the answer and I know
that not all can be explained but it can show
I held your hand and I wouldn't lose my grip
cause I felt it all through my fingertip
all that got me lost and eventually brought me here
filled the void and broke out in a single tear"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)