Playing this game

I feel a little like the victims in the "Saw" movies. My subconscious told me "I wanna play a game" and now I'm struggling to find the key in my eye... or something. Cause I'm sitting here, starving and sleep deprivating and I have no idea what's going on. I hope I'll figure it out before I crash, or well, game over.

A couple of hours ago I decided to dress up and go for a walk. If I have nothing to dress up for, then I'll dress up for nothing. I had intended to first off all go and buy a box of cigarettes and then sit down and draw a little, to keep my mind off things. Worst idea ever! It was cold, rained and my anxiety and sadness were stronger than ever. I had to fight the urge to bite my hands. But on my way back home I saw the most amazing sunset I've seen in a long time. Glowing neon red with dark and white clouds that almost looked like smoke, forming over the horizon. As I got closer to a spot where I had a better view, the clouds almost looked like veins over a bleeding heart. I took pictures, but no good ones. I just couldn't capture that moment.

I'm so very sensitive right now. As I walked down the streets I could feel the vibrations on the ground from the cars. I listened to “The matchstick girl” by The Crüxshadows, and instantly remembered the children's tale that song is based on. I heard it when I was a kid, and I remember thinking it was so sad. And now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm shivering at the thought of it. In Sweden it was called “Flickan med svavelstickorna”.

I think I get it now. So this is what my brain's been trying to tell me: I need to feel, reach my true emotions, deep underneath the medication. And through starvation and sleep deprivation is the fastest and most effective way to reach that effect. Apparently it's causing mild hallucinations/paranoia also. Cause I see things at the corner of my eyes, but when I look there's nothing there. Like flickering shadows or something.

I seem to have lost control over my brain again. Why can't I just eat? Why can't I just sleep? I get reversed signals. My body shivers and I can barely carry it around in the apartment, my stomach rumbles and I feel cold and weak. I don't get any signals to go to sleep, nor to eat - I get signals that tell me that I should stay awake, that I shall not eat. They're strong, demanding, craving. I can't defend myself, there's nothing I can do. It's so hard to explain, but it's just like normal signals for hunger and sleep - just completely reversed.

Everything is so intense, I can hear my own heartbeat. Beating so fast under the influence of caffeine, tired from the walk, running on low flame, and from thinking and feeling on overdrive. Why does it have to be this way? I have no control what so ever in the way I'm living. I can't eat, can't sleep and I can't take my goddamn pills. I wanna get better, not fall apart again just because this distanced part of my brain decides it wants to feel! Feelings are overrated! I'm killing myself without my own consent.

And somehow the movie “Fight Club” comes to mind... yeah, I'm definitely the narrator hitting himself in the face while saying “please don't” right now.