A six months rush

Oh my god! I think my heart is starting to hurt... like literally. Been pounding so fast for so long, and I think that last cup of coffee really made it speed up a bit more. I'm feeling a bit faint, like as if I'd been running for just a bit longer than my body can handle. I have eaten today, but the food still sickens me so I had to stop. Don't know if I ate enough or anything, cause I would have thrown up if I had kept on eating. Maybe I was wrong, this caffeine habit feels more dangerous than I first thought it would be. But then I drink like 4 times as much as would be considered a max limit...

I'm not really aware of the risks of a very high caffeine intake, or I wasn't, until I experienced this slight case of constantly feeling like I'm gonna have a heart attack or faint. It almost kind of feels like an anxiety attack, but without the anxiety. Or maybe I get some anxiety now. Whatever. Maybe I should just be glad over the fact that I for once in my life seem to be able to generate body heat without having to move around.

Have I seriously become a caffeine addict in just five days?! How is that even possible? It's like when I get a rush from something, I've just gotta keep it. That's insane! I haven't been "rush free" for... *counting*... six months! From April to June I cut so much I was constantly high on endorphines and adrenaline. Then I stopped cutting and started drinking instead, enough to let me keep having a buzz for at least 6 hours a day, from early June. Then two weeks off everything at the psych-ward. But then I had some breath-play going on most of the days in there, giving me rushes... After I got out I was drunk from July up until 5 days ago. Since then I've been high on caffeine.

I have a serious problem. Finally, I get the big picture of what's been going on this crazy summer. But what now? I'm starting to wear myself out, like I'm starting to dissolve or something. Just keeping this rush is exhausting. And I'm not doing my body any good at all. What the hell do I need to do? I don't even know where to go from this. Should be a good start mentioning it to my doctor... cause if I keep this up, it might be dangerous going in for surgery. Cause I don't think I can stop this on my own anymore. Every time has failed miserably, to be honest. I'm a fucking mess, and I've just been digging my own grave for the last six months. Something needs to be done ASAP.