Thoughts in shadow

I'm drifting in and out of consciousness, not literally. One moment I'm into what I'm writing, reading, watching or listening to. The next I'm lost somewhere, my eyes fixed on the air in front of me, my mind blank, my face expressionless, with a feeling I can't tell if it's vague or strong. Then it probably is strong, just that I can't identify it. Sadness, hopelessness, relief, a screaming calm.

I'm trying to snap out of it, keep watching Angel or read the threads and comments on an internet forum. But I fall back before I get a chance to. Writing seems to be the only thing working right now, but barely even that. I just want to run away, far far away. But I wouldn't get very far if I tried. It's cold outside, dark, windy and I would fall down tired unable to breathe before I got to the next street. This body is so useless.

I've become as close to being a hermit as I possibly can yet all I wanna do is to run away. To be as far from society, my family, the crew, my cell phone, social networks and all things living as possible. I wanna go so far away for so long that people will declare me dead. But I can't. Cause that is not what I really want. I wanna run away from myself, that's all I have ever wanted to do. But where would I be then, who would I be? I dunno but it's gotta be better cause I can't stand being around myself.

And I hate being with other people because then I hate myself even more. The way I talk, look at them and how they talk and and look at me. Cause I really like people, when they aren't with me. When I don't have to see my own reflection in their faces. My self esteem seems to have disappeared. Why couldn't I go with it?

Damn, my mother's gonna call soon and I don't wanna answer. Don't wanna talk, don't wanna hear my own voice, don't wanna talk or be talked to. But I think my solitude has made me lose my mind even more. But I don't want it back anymore, there's nothing in it that I ever wanted.

So simple life is when you think about it, but I screw up everything and mostly the really simple things. Like why can't I even eat, sleep and shower like everybody else? So many things I've had my whole life to practice but I just can't understand. It's like I wasn't meant to be alive, to be a human being, not meant to be at all.

Why do I have to complicate all things, aren't they complicated enough already? It's good to be unconventional but not when it's fucking up your life. I like everyone else only have one only chance in this life, but it feels like I never had any chance at all. Was I damned, or imprisoned, or cursed, or is this my fucked up fairytale? I don't know what is real if nothing is real anymore. What if it's all in my mind and nothing ever existed except for everything I don't want to live for. That all there is is what is right now right now in this very second. And sometimes I think that everything I believed was good in life have never existed.

My family are strangers sometimes, cause I think they are either lying to me or everyone else is. They don't think I'm a good writer, they've never supported my drawing, they think Dala is a dream and they say that my eyes are still blue. Cause what if they're right and I believe in a fairytale? And if that is the case why can't I just shove away this awful reality and stop it from existing in my fairytale? Cause I'd rather die in reality than give up all of my dreams. But why am I here if not to live in agony, maybe this is what it all comes down to. They shatter my last remaining dreams and what will happen after that is needless to say. But I won't let them, no I won't let them.