I seem to have switched my personality a little bit again. I'm much less emotionally attached to things, and go with logic and reason to reach decisions instead. My empathy level is low, or what to call it, and I'm a bit more apathetic and cynical now. Though there are exceptions - there always are. I realise there isn't a personality type where I fit it, the whole of me. I've read up a little on the more complicated structured personality types that take into consideringation if you are logical, sensitive, introvert, extrovert, emotional, intuitive, rational and so on. Like I could be an INFP (idealist), INTP (rational) ISTP (artisan) or a INFJ (idealist). So far it doesn't seem to be a kind specifically meant for people switching between rational and emotional, extrovert and introvert, and so on. Don't know what's up with that. I mean I can't be the only one?
I hate being unclassifiably weird. It's annoying, and makes this whole search for the true me so damn much harder. I'm allover the place, have every personality aspect though they shift, ageless, gender bending in ways I never thought were possible, still can't figure out my sexual orientation after ten frigging years, have all sorts of mystical mental problems that tears me to pieces but won't fit into a diagnosis, don't really have any clear political views, don't even understand my religion, don't really understand my species, have a rare problem with food that no one understands, have an unexplainable chronic headache, have exeptionally bad luck in life, still not used to living in a human body, scare people for no reason, have questionable morals, can be very rational and yet controlled my my emotions, and this can go on forever but I don't want to bore you to death.
So what am I getting at? I'm complicated, and I hate it. But do I really? Hate it, I mean. Cause I love digging in my mind and it's a full time job just to find an easy way to describe myself. But I could sum it up in just two words: chaotic and dark. But people rarely get that. How do you describe chaos? It's per definition undescribable. Constantly changing, unpredictable, can't tell my ass from my head. And dark? Well, it's not about being goth, evil or depressed; people often make that mistake. I'm sinful, selfish, indulgent and passionate. But not always, because nothing is fixed. There goes the chaos again. See, I'm biting my own tail (ouch...) I'm a self-contradiction, ambivalent, the exception that proves the rule. So what am I, if not everything? Or am I nothing? Cause you can't be all at once, it's impossible! And in that case I am nothing.
Don't get me wrong here, this has nothing to do with self esteem, or lack thereof - it's simply complicated philosophical mojo. You know, that stuff that really gets me going. That everything is its opposite, and therefor just cannot exist. So what I'm saying is, according to that theory I am my own opposite and therefor I cannot exist. It's hard to explain, really. It's got something to do with quantum physics, I think. Or it could, since that science really depends on the esistence of everything, questioning what actually is real, or if anything at all is real. A very fascinating subject in my opinion, but I believe I'm a little too dumb to understand it.
Can I wish for a higher IQ? Cause that would be really neat. Yeah, and while I'm at it, some mathematical skills would be handy as well. There's so much in this world that I want to understand, but it seems I just don't have the brain capacity to comprehend such information. It sucks. Whenever I try to find information about, well anything from the string theory to the subconscious mind; I'm bored when it's too basic or simple, and don't understand half a sentence if it's something I'm interested in. But science and philosophy on that level rarely seem to go very far from the geniuses own heads, and they are all about infinite mathematical variables and really complicated words. As I said, I'm too damn stupid.
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