"I held on to my eating disorder because I was so afraid that you would kill yourself." Yeah, maybe I'll say that in the future. Is it awful to announce such a truth? Would it only hurt him? But it is the truth and it will be in the future.
I need it as a coping mechanism because I can't deal with the extreme pain that my heart is going through when he's suicidal. I can't cope with that alone, so I found another way, or it found me perhaps. That by focusing on numbers, weight, calories, food, exercise I'm able to unfocus from that fear of him dying.
It's not his fault that I have gotten myself an eating disorder, that's no one's fault except maybe my own. And it's not his fault that I hold on to it either, that too is no one's fault.
It's saving me from an even darker darkness that is digging holes in my heart and soul. I know, just simply know, that I can't live without him. I would die too if he would. But maybe, just maybe I could hang on a little longer with this eating disorder, use it like a lifeline of sorts.
It's my desperate attempt to deal with the cruel reality. That I carry both my own and his suffering and it's just too much for me to bear. When I first got obsessed with my weight and food I instantly found comfort, an escape route from all that pain. That is my reason, why I'm not ready to recover, why I don't want to recover. The real reason.
But I'm scared to put it out here, scared that he will know, scared that he would take it the wrong way. I can't tell him upfront, that would be too dangerous. That I'm willingly messing up my life because I can't deal with... yeah, it's horrible. But I just love him so damn much and you have no idea how much that has been affecting me.
It's just my way of living, it's always been destructive and I just can't find healthy ways to deal with great despair and true misery. Can anyone?
Friday, 31 October 2014
Thursday, 30 October 2014
Starving my way to Christmas
I'm fasting today because of my binge yesterday. No food today or tomorrow. I think a 2 days fast is reasonable. Then I'm going back to the 100 calories a day thing for 2 or 3 days before I'm fasting again to get down to 52 kg by Tuesday. Underweight! I'm gonna, just gonna be underweight by Tuesday!
It's been 6 weeks now since this insane battle began and I've lost barely 7 kg. Is that much for 6 weeks? It doesn't feel like much, but I did go from 61 kg to 54 kg. Though I have 7 more kg to lose before I reach my goal and though it's been an awfully tough month I do have twice as much more work ahead of me and I just keep making it harder by speeding it up. Fast more, eat less, exercise more. Instead of losing 1 kg per week as before, I'm opting for 2 kg per week but I'm also a little laid back to it if I won't reach my goal by the end of November.
Cause my goal is to be at 47 kg before Christmas so if I fail following my highly intense weight loss plan in time I do still have a few more weeks to make it right. Then it's the hard part: maintaining that weight or possibly lose more over Christmas...
That's the one holiday you're like doomed to fatten up during. Unless you're eating disordered. I managed to actually lose 5 kg during last Christmas without trying very hard, but I was at a higher weight and now I've wrecked my metabolism (most likely) so if I just have like 2 pieces of chocolate I'll gain.
We'll see how that will go. I imagine being super skinny when visiting my family, shocking my sister and father with my frail frame. And they would try to force me to eat, I'll flip out and threaten to walk back home to my apartment and they'll apologise and be kinder to me. But will I even be skinny enough on 47 kg? I don't know, I can't know and it's freaking me out sometimes.
It freaks me out cause what if I'm not and I'll have to lose even more to get the kind of physique that I'm aiming for? Maybe that's the real reason why I wanna reach that weight in November just to be sure. So that if I'm still not pleased I can lose a little more before Christmas, but taking it than I'm doing now. Maybe opting for losing 2 more kg during the following 4 weeks or something.
It's what I have in mind, but I don't know how it will actually turn out. Cause maybe I have to go all the way down to 40 kg to see enough bones and have thin enough thighs. If that's the case, I just have to aim for that after New Years Eve and continue my journey into 2015. Which I most likely will...
Cause who here thinks that I do have an eating disorder and that I can just choose to stop whenever I feel like I will be done? Cause with an eating disorder, you can't stop. It's a vicious circle and it can only end in one of two ways: recovery or death. But I will probably seek treatment sometime during 2015 when things get way out of hand (they're already out of hand) either on my own or being almost literally forced by my mother.
She can't force me, but she can however persuade me or talk me into it, eventually. I just want this right now, I want to reach that low weight and be on a very low weight for a while and I need this as a coping mechanism to simply stay alive. And anorexia won't kill me that fast. Yeah, when I reach my goal weight I will most likely actually have anorexia. And definitely if I still want to get thinner.
It's a matter of time but I wonder what will come first: extremely low underweight or that first meeting with the eating disorder clinic. It will probably take weeks and in that time I will continue to lose weight for my own winning. I only have 2 kg left to underweight and I'm sooo excited for it! You know it already though and I've gotta stop writing sometime soon now...
It's been 6 weeks now since this insane battle began and I've lost barely 7 kg. Is that much for 6 weeks? It doesn't feel like much, but I did go from 61 kg to 54 kg. Though I have 7 more kg to lose before I reach my goal and though it's been an awfully tough month I do have twice as much more work ahead of me and I just keep making it harder by speeding it up. Fast more, eat less, exercise more. Instead of losing 1 kg per week as before, I'm opting for 2 kg per week but I'm also a little laid back to it if I won't reach my goal by the end of November.
Cause my goal is to be at 47 kg before Christmas so if I fail following my highly intense weight loss plan in time I do still have a few more weeks to make it right. Then it's the hard part: maintaining that weight or possibly lose more over Christmas...
That's the one holiday you're like doomed to fatten up during. Unless you're eating disordered. I managed to actually lose 5 kg during last Christmas without trying very hard, but I was at a higher weight and now I've wrecked my metabolism (most likely) so if I just have like 2 pieces of chocolate I'll gain.
We'll see how that will go. I imagine being super skinny when visiting my family, shocking my sister and father with my frail frame. And they would try to force me to eat, I'll flip out and threaten to walk back home to my apartment and they'll apologise and be kinder to me. But will I even be skinny enough on 47 kg? I don't know, I can't know and it's freaking me out sometimes.
It freaks me out cause what if I'm not and I'll have to lose even more to get the kind of physique that I'm aiming for? Maybe that's the real reason why I wanna reach that weight in November just to be sure. So that if I'm still not pleased I can lose a little more before Christmas, but taking it than I'm doing now. Maybe opting for losing 2 more kg during the following 4 weeks or something.
It's what I have in mind, but I don't know how it will actually turn out. Cause maybe I have to go all the way down to 40 kg to see enough bones and have thin enough thighs. If that's the case, I just have to aim for that after New Years Eve and continue my journey into 2015. Which I most likely will...
Cause who here thinks that I do have an eating disorder and that I can just choose to stop whenever I feel like I will be done? Cause with an eating disorder, you can't stop. It's a vicious circle and it can only end in one of two ways: recovery or death. But I will probably seek treatment sometime during 2015 when things get way out of hand (they're already out of hand) either on my own or being almost literally forced by my mother.
She can't force me, but she can however persuade me or talk me into it, eventually. I just want this right now, I want to reach that low weight and be on a very low weight for a while and I need this as a coping mechanism to simply stay alive. And anorexia won't kill me that fast. Yeah, when I reach my goal weight I will most likely actually have anorexia. And definitely if I still want to get thinner.
It's a matter of time but I wonder what will come first: extremely low underweight or that first meeting with the eating disorder clinic. It will probably take weeks and in that time I will continue to lose weight for my own winning. I only have 2 kg left to underweight and I'm sooo excited for it! You know it already though and I've gotta stop writing sometime soon now...
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
No way back
I'm done slipping into an eating disorder, I've landed on its ground face down and strapped down and there's no way back up.
I knew it when I just ate half a slice of toast a few hours ago and hated myself for it afterwards.
I knew it when I had a nightmare about being force fed the other night.
I knew it when I couldn't order and eat a pizza without breaking apart, heart racing, sweating, shaking, the whole lot, a few weeks ago.
I knew it when I stopped strength training exercises because I was afraid to gain muscle mass which would add weight.
I knew it when taking walks to burn calories became compulsive.
I knew it when I broke down crying and screaming cause I had gained a quarter of a pound over night.
I knew it when my body started showing signs of malnutrition and I didn't care, still had to eat less and fast more.
I knew it when I could no longer stop.
I knew it when I just ate half a slice of toast a few hours ago and hated myself for it afterwards.
I knew it when I had a nightmare about being force fed the other night.
I knew it when I couldn't order and eat a pizza without breaking apart, heart racing, sweating, shaking, the whole lot, a few weeks ago.
I knew it when I stopped strength training exercises because I was afraid to gain muscle mass which would add weight.
I knew it when taking walks to burn calories became compulsive.
I knew it when I broke down crying and screaming cause I had gained a quarter of a pound over night.
I knew it when my body started showing signs of malnutrition and I didn't care, still had to eat less and fast more.
I knew it when I could no longer stop.
Forever
It's a new day again and I haven't lost any weight since before I went to bed. Sigh, this is gonna take forever... Only liquid food now and nothing after 16:00 o'clock to make sure it gets fucking digested properly before going to bed. I believe that's why I'm not losing weight over the night, because I eat too fucking late.
I'm so sick and tired of not losing enough weight! It's been 2 and a half days into my fast and I've only lost 1 kg, I should have lost 1,5 kg at least. That's it, I'm not gonna have even liquid food. Just water and my caffeine based drinks. Yes it will be hard, yes it will hurt, but I don't care. All I care about is losing weight and I want to lose it fast.
Ugh... I could have woken up in a better mood. My weight really depresses me and it's like I'm falling apart every time the scale shows me a number above 54 kg no matter what I do. I just gotta get down to 53 I just gotta, just gotta, just gotta... I'm breaking apart, I can't plateau now, it's not fair. I won't be able to reach my goal in time if I can't get down to 52 kg by next Tuesday. That's a week and I have 2,5 kg left to go.
I don't even know how to tell people if or when it becomes official. Cause I want to tell people, I just don't know how. I'll most likely keep it to myself during school later though, to avoid being kicked out if possible. I don't know for sure if they even can kick me out for being too mentally ill. For possibly not having enough energy to be able to concentrate during the lessons. I don't know what to expect but it's possible that I won't be able to continue studying after a while, sadly.
Cause I do want to study, it's like I need it somehow. To have something to do, to meet new people. To not be stuck in my rut of utter boredom doing nothing all days, living without any kind of purpose except for losing weight and trying to get myself to finish my damn book that I haven't been able to even look at for weeks now. I just wanna try to give life a chance amidst all the chaos.
I'm so sick and tired of not losing enough weight! It's been 2 and a half days into my fast and I've only lost 1 kg, I should have lost 1,5 kg at least. That's it, I'm not gonna have even liquid food. Just water and my caffeine based drinks. Yes it will be hard, yes it will hurt, but I don't care. All I care about is losing weight and I want to lose it fast.
Ugh... I could have woken up in a better mood. My weight really depresses me and it's like I'm falling apart every time the scale shows me a number above 54 kg no matter what I do. I just gotta get down to 53 I just gotta, just gotta, just gotta... I'm breaking apart, I can't plateau now, it's not fair. I won't be able to reach my goal in time if I can't get down to 52 kg by next Tuesday. That's a week and I have 2,5 kg left to go.
I don't even know how to tell people if or when it becomes official. Cause I want to tell people, I just don't know how. I'll most likely keep it to myself during school later though, to avoid being kicked out if possible. I don't know for sure if they even can kick me out for being too mentally ill. For possibly not having enough energy to be able to concentrate during the lessons. I don't know what to expect but it's possible that I won't be able to continue studying after a while, sadly.
Cause I do want to study, it's like I need it somehow. To have something to do, to meet new people. To not be stuck in my rut of utter boredom doing nothing all days, living without any kind of purpose except for losing weight and trying to get myself to finish my damn book that I haven't been able to even look at for weeks now. I just wanna try to give life a chance amidst all the chaos.
Monday, 27 October 2014
Tired of waiting
Why do I feel so fat? I can fit my hands around my legs, I use the tightest whole in my belt for the first time ever, my knees poke out, my collar bones show, my upper arms are almost as thin as my lower arms. I don't understand.
But it's not what I want, it's not enough. I want to be able to fit both my hands around my upper thighs, have a flat or even caving in stomach, ribs showing, hip bones showing. I wanna be so thin that people will gasp when they see me.
Cause I've never been thin. Not really, actually thin. I've been overweight, normal weight and on the lower side of normal weight but that's not even nearly enough. I want to be underweight, far beneath underweight. Lower than I ever thought was possible before.
I don't want to look like a skeleton, but close to. Even I have a limit to what is too thin. Even I. And I just want to achieve my goal. I don't even know what I will look like on 47 kg. Will it be enough, too much or too little? Will I be satisfied on that weight, or will I have become too addicted to losing weight to be able to stop? When will anorexia eat me up from the inside?
If I get anorexia, that is. I can't possibly know before I reach a BMI lower than 17 which is exactly 48 kg for me. It's only 6 kg away... If I do however, and if I still want to go lower, I'm pretty damn confident that I will get that diagnosis. God damn, I just want to know if I have an eating disorder! I can't stand this waiting and uncertainty!
And that's really what it's all about, why I'm looking forward to meeting at the eating disorder unit. I just want to know, that's all. But if they tell me that I don't, then I'll flip out. Cause I obviously do, unless they give me bloody good reasons for not diagnosing me. Like that it needs to have progressed over a certain time or whatever. Cause if I don't fit the weight criteria of anorexia nervosa, I can still get another type of eating disorder on paper while their lazy asses wait for me to get worse and thinner.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to become thinner because of a stupid diagnosis. I just know that I'm heading that way no matter what. And sooner or later I will get that diagnosis, whether I want to or not. It's just that waiting for that appointment takes fucking forever and my patience is wearing thin. I don't have much patience when it comes to anything these days. So tired of waiting, just so fucking tired of it.
It's like it's crawling underneath my skin, like bugs made of anxiety and eagerness. I breathe anticipation and fear. For what's to come, what awaits me in the nearest future. How I long for a slender body, love, school, and how I dread Christmas, hospitalisations, recovery. Everything circles around eating disorder and how it changed my whole life around. For better and worse. Always a bit of both.
But it's not what I want, it's not enough. I want to be able to fit both my hands around my upper thighs, have a flat or even caving in stomach, ribs showing, hip bones showing. I wanna be so thin that people will gasp when they see me.
Cause I've never been thin. Not really, actually thin. I've been overweight, normal weight and on the lower side of normal weight but that's not even nearly enough. I want to be underweight, far beneath underweight. Lower than I ever thought was possible before.
I don't want to look like a skeleton, but close to. Even I have a limit to what is too thin. Even I. And I just want to achieve my goal. I don't even know what I will look like on 47 kg. Will it be enough, too much or too little? Will I be satisfied on that weight, or will I have become too addicted to losing weight to be able to stop? When will anorexia eat me up from the inside?
If I get anorexia, that is. I can't possibly know before I reach a BMI lower than 17 which is exactly 48 kg for me. It's only 6 kg away... If I do however, and if I still want to go lower, I'm pretty damn confident that I will get that diagnosis. God damn, I just want to know if I have an eating disorder! I can't stand this waiting and uncertainty!
And that's really what it's all about, why I'm looking forward to meeting at the eating disorder unit. I just want to know, that's all. But if they tell me that I don't, then I'll flip out. Cause I obviously do, unless they give me bloody good reasons for not diagnosing me. Like that it needs to have progressed over a certain time or whatever. Cause if I don't fit the weight criteria of anorexia nervosa, I can still get another type of eating disorder on paper while their lazy asses wait for me to get worse and thinner.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to become thinner because of a stupid diagnosis. I just know that I'm heading that way no matter what. And sooner or later I will get that diagnosis, whether I want to or not. It's just that waiting for that appointment takes fucking forever and my patience is wearing thin. I don't have much patience when it comes to anything these days. So tired of waiting, just so fucking tired of it.
It's like it's crawling underneath my skin, like bugs made of anxiety and eagerness. I breathe anticipation and fear. For what's to come, what awaits me in the nearest future. How I long for a slender body, love, school, and how I dread Christmas, hospitalisations, recovery. Everything circles around eating disorder and how it changed my whole life around. For better and worse. Always a bit of both.
Sunday, 26 October 2014
The reality
My problem isn't my weight being too heavy, I know that. The problem is my mind tricking me to think that I'm too heavy and making me go nuts about losing that weight. That's what eating disorders are all about, what it does to your mind, and not getting enough nutrition is just gonna make it worse. I'm not stupid, I just choose to ignore that fact.
So my problem is that I'm too fat even though that isn't the actual problem. I've just gotta lose weight so that I can be thin and look good. Cause in my mind I am fat, even though others might not agree with me. I don't know, not many have seen me since I lost those last 5 kg since last time. I've lost 5 more kg since I saw my friends in Uppsala and Stockholm and the only one who's seen me since then is my mother. I hide in clothes cause it's so freaking cold.
That's typical for the illness too, that you get cold cause you're not eating enough. So it's around 5-10 Celsius degrees here now and I dress as if it was 10 degrees colder. My heater is up at max yet I'm freezing. I don't look forward to the winter coldness at all.
Another thing is that I will start losing hair after around 3 months. It's gonna start falling off due to malnutrition. Good thing I keep it short nowadays then, but it's probably not gonna look good.
I really don't look forward to my mother's and probably the rest of my family's comments by Christmas when I'll be visiting them and I'll only weigh 47 kg. I'll bring baggy clothes to hide in. Not that I think it could hide me that much, but still. Cause at that weight, I'll be close to just being skin and bones. Just the thought of that makes me smile.
With a BMI of 16,7 I should be considered thin even if I won't see it myself, right? But... for who will that goal be, if I won't be able to see it myself? It's like painting a picture with my eyes closed, for who is it to see? Hopefully, just so damn hopefully I'll be satisfied at that weight and just want to maintain it. But I know, I just know somewhere in my broken heart that I won't be able to stop.
I don't know what this month of restricting and fasting has done to my body. It sure passed by quickly, yet it feels like it's the longest month in my entire life. So much has happened, yet I haven't been doing anything at all. So much has changed. I'm not the same person anymore.
So my problem is that I'm too fat even though that isn't the actual problem. I've just gotta lose weight so that I can be thin and look good. Cause in my mind I am fat, even though others might not agree with me. I don't know, not many have seen me since I lost those last 5 kg since last time. I've lost 5 more kg since I saw my friends in Uppsala and Stockholm and the only one who's seen me since then is my mother. I hide in clothes cause it's so freaking cold.
That's typical for the illness too, that you get cold cause you're not eating enough. So it's around 5-10 Celsius degrees here now and I dress as if it was 10 degrees colder. My heater is up at max yet I'm freezing. I don't look forward to the winter coldness at all.
Another thing is that I will start losing hair after around 3 months. It's gonna start falling off due to malnutrition. Good thing I keep it short nowadays then, but it's probably not gonna look good.
I really don't look forward to my mother's and probably the rest of my family's comments by Christmas when I'll be visiting them and I'll only weigh 47 kg. I'll bring baggy clothes to hide in. Not that I think it could hide me that much, but still. Cause at that weight, I'll be close to just being skin and bones. Just the thought of that makes me smile.
With a BMI of 16,7 I should be considered thin even if I won't see it myself, right? But... for who will that goal be, if I won't be able to see it myself? It's like painting a picture with my eyes closed, for who is it to see? Hopefully, just so damn hopefully I'll be satisfied at that weight and just want to maintain it. But I know, I just know somewhere in my broken heart that I won't be able to stop.
I don't know what this month of restricting and fasting has done to my body. It sure passed by quickly, yet it feels like it's the longest month in my entire life. So much has happened, yet I haven't been doing anything at all. So much has changed. I'm not the same person anymore.
Saturday, 25 October 2014
I'm not well
I still want to believe that I'll snap out of it once I've reached my goal, but how sane am I when I think that 47 kg is a totally legit weight to wanna be at? It's 5 kg underweight at a BMI of 16,7. Those numbers just scream anorexia especially with my mental state... so yeah, I'm quite far gone already and as long as I think 47 is the perfect weight I can't be considered sane. But what the fuck do I care? If I'll honestly be happy at 47 kg, I don't give a rat's ass about what other people think.
But the problem is... if I really do have an eating disorder I won't be happy at 47 kg, I'd still think that I'm not thin enough. I've still put 45 as my limit, and hopefully I can stick to it. Oh well, I won't get that far quite that soon. But I want to be at 47 before Christmas. My mother is gonna hate me for it.
She's gonna try to force food into me when I spend my time with my family during the holiday until I freak out and demand her to drive me back home instead. And if she won't I'll either walk or take a bus. It's about 10 miles, could totally do it if I was desperate enough.
Cause if it comes to that point I'll just say fuck Christmas and everything else that includes food and my annoying family. I'll lash out like a teenager if I'll be treated like one because I'm behaving like one. No, but seriously, if they do try to force feed me they obviously don't know a daft about eating disorders or they don't take me seriously. I'm so scared though. I'm so scared it will have to come to that.
Cause it's not just the food that scares me, it's my own fucking family that has never taken me seriously in anything. Even if I do get diagnosed they will most likely still act like ignorant assholes. It's not even certain I will get diagnosed even this year, but hopefully... I can't stop thinking about it. I have no idea what to expect. I try to not keep my hopes up too high and my fears in check.
Cause I'm always, always afraid of not being taken seriously. In every god damn situation, especially with doctors and the like. I'm gonna try to be truthful, gonna try to sound reliable and maybe even allow some emotional responses for once. I think there will be, cause I've been acting pretty strange recently. I react in emotions whenever people tell me I'm thin or that I should eat more. I even act out sometimes. This is so damn real and it scares the shit out of me.
But the problem is... if I really do have an eating disorder I won't be happy at 47 kg, I'd still think that I'm not thin enough. I've still put 45 as my limit, and hopefully I can stick to it. Oh well, I won't get that far quite that soon. But I want to be at 47 before Christmas. My mother is gonna hate me for it.
She's gonna try to force food into me when I spend my time with my family during the holiday until I freak out and demand her to drive me back home instead. And if she won't I'll either walk or take a bus. It's about 10 miles, could totally do it if I was desperate enough.
Cause if it comes to that point I'll just say fuck Christmas and everything else that includes food and my annoying family. I'll lash out like a teenager if I'll be treated like one because I'm behaving like one. No, but seriously, if they do try to force feed me they obviously don't know a daft about eating disorders or they don't take me seriously. I'm so scared though. I'm so scared it will have to come to that.
Cause it's not just the food that scares me, it's my own fucking family that has never taken me seriously in anything. Even if I do get diagnosed they will most likely still act like ignorant assholes. It's not even certain I will get diagnosed even this year, but hopefully... I can't stop thinking about it. I have no idea what to expect. I try to not keep my hopes up too high and my fears in check.
Cause I'm always, always afraid of not being taken seriously. In every god damn situation, especially with doctors and the like. I'm gonna try to be truthful, gonna try to sound reliable and maybe even allow some emotional responses for once. I think there will be, cause I've been acting pretty strange recently. I react in emotions whenever people tell me I'm thin or that I should eat more. I even act out sometimes. This is so damn real and it scares the shit out of me.
Friday, 24 October 2014
Standstill frustration
I just need to get down to 52 kg asap, I've lost my patience completely, and it's stressing me out. I'm not losing any weight. Days pass and nothing happens, just that I'm going crazier by the minute. It's been a rough day with loads of frustration mostly. Despite fasting for a whole day I haven't lost even 100 grams. It's beyond me, my frustration and anxiety are beyond me. I can't breathe, I can't think clear.
I want to fast for an entire week, but I don't know if I can go through with it, fasting for 7 or 8 days. I might collapse from it. I don't want to end up in a hospital but I don't want to be fat either. Maybe I'll give it a try and if I think things are going to hell I can let myself have a little bit of food before I collapse. I just want to reach underweight and I can't stand living in this ugly body.
I hate feeling so fat even though it seems I shouldn't. That my body image is so distorted now that I literally can't tell reality from imagination anymore. Cause obviously it appears that the reality I see is very different from the reality that others see. That freaks me out a little bit.
Do I want to get worse? You can hate me if you want, cause I'm gonna say yes to that question. Why? Cause I need to get thin and if that means getting sicker, so be it. And I know that means getting sicker. So sickness there is then. Lots and lots of sickness until there's nothing left of me or more likely until someone close to me has had enough and sends me off to the nearest hospital.
Sometimes I can feel that my upper arms have gotten quite small, or when I measure my hands around my legs they seem pretty slim. But when I look at everything at once all I can see is fat. I don't mean obese or anything, but close to how I looked on 65 kg, "normal" weight at a BMI of 23. That I've lost 10 kg since then I just can't see.
And it scares me cause when will I see a difference? That's the danger, cause I don't want to stop before I am, what I consider, thin enough. That's why underweight is not enough, cause somehow I think I look fat even though my scale and apparently also my mother say otherwise.
I've been ranting all day, but I'm gonna finish this soon. This obsession has consumed me so fast that I couldn't keep up. When did I lose control? I don't remember. It's become my world. Had a meeting with my endocrinologist this forenoon and I was so out of it, tired and starving that I just couldn't pay attention to what he was saying. I'm losing so much more than weight and my sanity. But it's worth it, it's bloody worth it.
I want to fast for an entire week, but I don't know if I can go through with it, fasting for 7 or 8 days. I might collapse from it. I don't want to end up in a hospital but I don't want to be fat either. Maybe I'll give it a try and if I think things are going to hell I can let myself have a little bit of food before I collapse. I just want to reach underweight and I can't stand living in this ugly body.
I hate feeling so fat even though it seems I shouldn't. That my body image is so distorted now that I literally can't tell reality from imagination anymore. Cause obviously it appears that the reality I see is very different from the reality that others see. That freaks me out a little bit.
Do I want to get worse? You can hate me if you want, cause I'm gonna say yes to that question. Why? Cause I need to get thin and if that means getting sicker, so be it. And I know that means getting sicker. So sickness there is then. Lots and lots of sickness until there's nothing left of me or more likely until someone close to me has had enough and sends me off to the nearest hospital.
Sometimes I can feel that my upper arms have gotten quite small, or when I measure my hands around my legs they seem pretty slim. But when I look at everything at once all I can see is fat. I don't mean obese or anything, but close to how I looked on 65 kg, "normal" weight at a BMI of 23. That I've lost 10 kg since then I just can't see.
And it scares me cause when will I see a difference? That's the danger, cause I don't want to stop before I am, what I consider, thin enough. That's why underweight is not enough, cause somehow I think I look fat even though my scale and apparently also my mother say otherwise.
I've been ranting all day, but I'm gonna finish this soon. This obsession has consumed me so fast that I couldn't keep up. When did I lose control? I don't remember. It's become my world. Had a meeting with my endocrinologist this forenoon and I was so out of it, tired and starving that I just couldn't pay attention to what he was saying. I'm losing so much more than weight and my sanity. But it's worth it, it's bloody worth it.
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
It will kill me
It sucks, my lack of self control combined with this anxiety that completely overwhelms me. That I just want to bury myself six feet under and stay there for the rest of eternity so I won't ever have to worry about food again. Maybe this is slow suicide, I don't know. But in that case I wouldn't care if it harms me if I fast again, would I? Maybe I don't.
Maybe I don't care if this leads me to an early grave, it won't kill me instantly. It will take months, maybe even years of disordered eating before I fall apart. Probably just months though. Cause if I continue to drop one kg a week I'll be dead before spring. It doesn't scare me, but it fills me with a sadness I cannot explain.
That I'm so desperate to become thin that I'd do anything, even starve myself to death. Most definitely that, it's my life now. I can't live in any other way, I've forgotten how, somewhere when food equalled fear and numbers became an obsession. I do restrict food heavily and started doing so in a fairly short time and when I fast I don't eat anything at all. And that goes on and on as I see the numbers drop on the scale.
I'm not sure, but I don't think there is a healthy way to reach lower numbers on the scale once you've reached underweight. I'm so close, I'm so fucking close now, just 3 kg away, just a heartbeat away. And I have nothing else on my mind. Nothing else at all and I wonder... I wonder if I lost my life when weight loss became an obsession.
Maybe I don't care if this leads me to an early grave, it won't kill me instantly. It will take months, maybe even years of disordered eating before I fall apart. Probably just months though. Cause if I continue to drop one kg a week I'll be dead before spring. It doesn't scare me, but it fills me with a sadness I cannot explain.
That I'm so desperate to become thin that I'd do anything, even starve myself to death. Most definitely that, it's my life now. I can't live in any other way, I've forgotten how, somewhere when food equalled fear and numbers became an obsession. I do restrict food heavily and started doing so in a fairly short time and when I fast I don't eat anything at all. And that goes on and on as I see the numbers drop on the scale.
I'm not sure, but I don't think there is a healthy way to reach lower numbers on the scale once you've reached underweight. I'm so close, I'm so fucking close now, just 3 kg away, just a heartbeat away. And I have nothing else on my mind. Nothing else at all and I wonder... I wonder if I lost my life when weight loss became an obsession.
Monday, 20 October 2014
Death and release
I wonder what will come next. My next meeting with my shrink when I will clarify that I don't want treatment cause I'm not ready, but I do want emotional support. Or an appointment with the eating disorder unit in possibly the same building where I don't know what to expect at all. Some kind of psychological tests I suppose. They'll probably weigh me and measure my height. They'll probably ask a lot of weird questions that I haven't thought of.
I'm trying to imagine it. It just swirls a lot in my head now. I've only had psychological evaluations twice before. First time for Asperger and second time for Borderline. Oh, and of course for transsexualism, how could I forget. I've got 3 diagnoses, possibly 4 in the near future then. See, I collect them like flies to sugar. I'm just a mental fuck up trying to survive at least partially on my own. And look how well it's going!
Yeah, I just sigh, never knowing what's next to come, but I'm used to it. It's like yet another hail storm comes along and I just shrug and say "now what?" with a bitter tone in my voice. Cause things always go to hell and I'm not reacting much at all this time compared to before. I'm not panicking, I'm just trying to figure it out as calmly as I can.
Sure, of course I have my moments of utter panic, that's not what I'm trying to say. It's sort of become a way to escape reality for me now. That I'd much rather obsess about calories and food and weight than think about what tears at my heart. Cause this obsession is so huge, so immense and taking up so much space in my head, it's practically a piece of cake to distract myself with it, rather than away from it.
I don't know if that makes much sense, that I choose to drown in this eating disorder thing just as a method to not drown in something else that is much more terrible. Yes, it's a matter of degrees of awfulness and in comparison, I'm riding an ana high worth fucking dying for. So no, I don't think you can imagine the unspeakable torment that my heart is going through right now, under the layers that won't come off in the first place.
I hide it from myself, that torment that would rip me in pieces otherwise. In that, very fucked up way, I'm actually glad that I have an obsession this strong that can sugar coat even the most awful things. Maybe that's why I don't want to recover.
I need this, I need it to survive yet chances are it's gonna kill me. It's so fucked up, but I think I understand it now. It's a way of escapism that has taken control over me, and I let it, because I need the escapism. I fucking depend on it with my life and I'm fucking serious.
I'm not being over dramatic, it's true. The things that tear my heart to bloody pieces are so terrible that if things I fear are to happen, I won't be around much longer. I'm so sure of it that it scares me. I'd rather have untreated anorexia than admit to my fears.
I talked about them with my shrink the time before last and she made me sign a contract to not kill myself if things were to happen. I won't follow that contract if things go to hell. I just lie and please her to let her believe whatever she wants to. Cause if... that would be the end of me, the end of my world, the end of everything. And my fears keep me up at night, they cause panic attacks and make me cry myself to sleep.
But lately I've been able to tone them down, to control them even, due to my obsession. It's as real as the other but I can choose what to blindly focus on, and I'd rather die slowly from an eating disorder, than instantly from a broken heart.
I'm trying to imagine it. It just swirls a lot in my head now. I've only had psychological evaluations twice before. First time for Asperger and second time for Borderline. Oh, and of course for transsexualism, how could I forget. I've got 3 diagnoses, possibly 4 in the near future then. See, I collect them like flies to sugar. I'm just a mental fuck up trying to survive at least partially on my own. And look how well it's going!
Yeah, I just sigh, never knowing what's next to come, but I'm used to it. It's like yet another hail storm comes along and I just shrug and say "now what?" with a bitter tone in my voice. Cause things always go to hell and I'm not reacting much at all this time compared to before. I'm not panicking, I'm just trying to figure it out as calmly as I can.
Sure, of course I have my moments of utter panic, that's not what I'm trying to say. It's sort of become a way to escape reality for me now. That I'd much rather obsess about calories and food and weight than think about what tears at my heart. Cause this obsession is so huge, so immense and taking up so much space in my head, it's practically a piece of cake to distract myself with it, rather than away from it.
I don't know if that makes much sense, that I choose to drown in this eating disorder thing just as a method to not drown in something else that is much more terrible. Yes, it's a matter of degrees of awfulness and in comparison, I'm riding an ana high worth fucking dying for. So no, I don't think you can imagine the unspeakable torment that my heart is going through right now, under the layers that won't come off in the first place.
I hide it from myself, that torment that would rip me in pieces otherwise. In that, very fucked up way, I'm actually glad that I have an obsession this strong that can sugar coat even the most awful things. Maybe that's why I don't want to recover.
I need this, I need it to survive yet chances are it's gonna kill me. It's so fucked up, but I think I understand it now. It's a way of escapism that has taken control over me, and I let it, because I need the escapism. I fucking depend on it with my life and I'm fucking serious.
I'm not being over dramatic, it's true. The things that tear my heart to bloody pieces are so terrible that if things I fear are to happen, I won't be around much longer. I'm so sure of it that it scares me. I'd rather have untreated anorexia than admit to my fears.
I talked about them with my shrink the time before last and she made me sign a contract to not kill myself if things were to happen. I won't follow that contract if things go to hell. I just lie and please her to let her believe whatever she wants to. Cause if... that would be the end of me, the end of my world, the end of everything. And my fears keep me up at night, they cause panic attacks and make me cry myself to sleep.
But lately I've been able to tone them down, to control them even, due to my obsession. It's as real as the other but I can choose what to blindly focus on, and I'd rather die slowly from an eating disorder, than instantly from a broken heart.
It is what I feared
My mother saw me today. I was just wearing jeans and t-shirt cause I was gonna have some blood tests done and I didn't want the nurse to have to shuffle her way through a gazillion layers of clothing to reach my arm. So my mother saw me and stated that she thought I was getting too thin. I was like "what? you kidding?" but was secretly happy inside. Like yay, I appear thin to someone! I'm fucked up...
But I'm not thin, don't understand why she said that. She wasn't giving out compliments, she was worried and told me to eat more fatty food. Like yeah, right... My disordered eating is starting to show and I suppose it scares me a little bit.
The scale told me that I only weigh 52,9 kg now. It's hard to believe, I can't believe that I weigh so little. And now I'm getting scared, cause I still think I look fat, almost having crossed the line to underweight.
I read somewhere that you don't have to have a BMI of less than 17 to be diagnosed with anorexia, that it's enough if you've lost more than 15% of your body weight. This last month I've lost 13% of it... so yeah, technically I could get that diagnosis, cause I'm gonna lose more before I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit.
Though it did shock me a little, my mother's reaction. I still didn't tell her though, but my guesses are that she's starting to suspect it now. I just can't understand how I can have dropped 3 kg over 48 hours. I'm getting a little shocked over the results of my own deeds. Of what I'm doing to myself, and how incredibly effective it is.
And then she talked about feeding me during Christmas... my god, it's so gonna break her when she finds out. But I'm worried about my father too, which I usually am not. I'm worried about hurting him too. Don't know how my sister's gonna react though. I just hope I can get to that evaluation to see if I truly have an eating disorder or not before Christmas. Now I hope for that, cause I need it as some kind of "proof" to the rest of my family.
No doubt about my mother, she's gonna believe in my words and my body that is literally getting thinner by the day. But I'm not so sure about my father and sister, they might not be so easily convinced.
I've lost 7 cm off my waist... okay maybe the number on the scale is correct then. But I have a hard time believing it, and grasp the concept that I'm only 3 kg away from 50 kg and I'm not nearly thin enough. It's close to devastating, cause it means... it means that I really do have an eating disorder.
But I'm not thin, don't understand why she said that. She wasn't giving out compliments, she was worried and told me to eat more fatty food. Like yeah, right... My disordered eating is starting to show and I suppose it scares me a little bit.
The scale told me that I only weigh 52,9 kg now. It's hard to believe, I can't believe that I weigh so little. And now I'm getting scared, cause I still think I look fat, almost having crossed the line to underweight.
I read somewhere that you don't have to have a BMI of less than 17 to be diagnosed with anorexia, that it's enough if you've lost more than 15% of your body weight. This last month I've lost 13% of it... so yeah, technically I could get that diagnosis, cause I'm gonna lose more before I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit.
Though it did shock me a little, my mother's reaction. I still didn't tell her though, but my guesses are that she's starting to suspect it now. I just can't understand how I can have dropped 3 kg over 48 hours. I'm getting a little shocked over the results of my own deeds. Of what I'm doing to myself, and how incredibly effective it is.
And then she talked about feeding me during Christmas... my god, it's so gonna break her when she finds out. But I'm worried about my father too, which I usually am not. I'm worried about hurting him too. Don't know how my sister's gonna react though. I just hope I can get to that evaluation to see if I truly have an eating disorder or not before Christmas. Now I hope for that, cause I need it as some kind of "proof" to the rest of my family.
No doubt about my mother, she's gonna believe in my words and my body that is literally getting thinner by the day. But I'm not so sure about my father and sister, they might not be so easily convinced.
I've lost 7 cm off my waist... okay maybe the number on the scale is correct then. But I have a hard time believing it, and grasp the concept that I'm only 3 kg away from 50 kg and I'm not nearly thin enough. It's close to devastating, cause it means... it means that I really do have an eating disorder.
Sunday, 19 October 2014
I'll hold on for you
I'm not pro-ana anymore, if that gives you any kind of solace. I don't want to be that way, but I can't escape it. All that matters to me is to get thin and that scares me. How obsessive I can be about a number on my scale. It terrifies me, it excites me, it taunts me. On how I don't think I'm pushing myself hard enough, how I need to be harder on myself to reach my goal by the time I want to have reached it. On how it makes me smile thinking about reaching my goal weight.
But it's pushing all my other thoughts away, even the good ones. Even the good ones. The ones about K, and some thoughts I can't tell you about. Things that makes my heart flutter and beat fast, things that make me smile because of how amazing they are. Even those are blocked out by this obsession. It truly is an obsession, unlike any other obsession I've ever had, it effects everything. Contaminating everything in my life. And nothing else matters just as much.
What about K? He's the love of my life and this illness pushes him away. Or at least it pushes my thoughts of him away. I try to take control over it, thinking about how amazing he is, how he's kept me alive for so long without even knowing it. I won't let anorexia become more important to me than he is. I just won't.
I love him more than anything, I still have him in the back of my mind at all times, still cling to his pictures, my memories of when we have met in person, every word he's said or written to me, his warming smile that tickles me, his beautiful eyes fixed on me. I can't let that go, he can't ever become less important than getting thin. He always needs to come first. Always, no matter what.
I've never been in love for this long and this hard ever before, he truly is special. I will never stop loving him, and that is more than just a promise. It's the ultimate truth. I miss him though, I miss him a lot, now that I can actually think of him for the first time in over a month. A month is but a glimpse for me, but this month, boy it's been long with all that's happened and is currently going on. I'm so busy with food, weight and exercise it's cramming in my brain. But he will always have a huge place in my heart and soul, even if he's not on my mind anymore one day.
But yeah, I miss him. I want to see him again in real life, but I know I won't be able to bribe my mother into letting me go to the main country again for a while. After all, she'd be paying unless I'll get unexpectedly rich all of a sudden. My book is on ice, frozen for the time being, cause I've been too busy getting an eating disorder and yeah.
I just want to hold him in my arms and never let go, want to look him in his eyes and smile while I'm blushing, cause I'm not afraid anymore. He knows now and I know. Yeah, I told him. I was drunk one night and managed to muster the courage, a few weeks ago. So seeing him again, I don't think it would be quite as hard, cause I really have no reason to hide my true feelings anymore. What was his reaction? Sorry, that's what I can't tell you. But it keeps me alive, he still does, no matter how it will turn out.
Because then I will know that I gave him my best shot, that I never gave up on him, or us, depending on how you see it. Cause if it all goes to hell, at least I tried, at least he will always know that I'll always love him no matter what. And if he doesn't know, I'll remind him again.
Cause even if he'll never love me, though there still is a possibility, I think him knowing that I do, will be good for him somehow. A little glimpse of light. For him to know that no matter what, he will always be beautiful in someone's eyes.
Is that sad? That now, more than ever, I will never be able to move on? I'll wait for him for the rest of my life, I'm perfectly patient yet I'm dying to know what's to come. It's exciting times and I don't think I've ever appreciated that before. Well, better late than never.
I'm having my last drink for tonight now, only 20 minutes to go and I'm not good at drinking fast. But I've had strong drinks to compensate, so I'm definitely tipsy now. Too bad I won't get truly drunk, should have started drinking earlier. But hopefully tonight, I'll be able to hold on to my thoughts of K, hold on to the one strong light in my life, my brightest shining star.
But it's pushing all my other thoughts away, even the good ones. Even the good ones. The ones about K, and some thoughts I can't tell you about. Things that makes my heart flutter and beat fast, things that make me smile because of how amazing they are. Even those are blocked out by this obsession. It truly is an obsession, unlike any other obsession I've ever had, it effects everything. Contaminating everything in my life. And nothing else matters just as much.
What about K? He's the love of my life and this illness pushes him away. Or at least it pushes my thoughts of him away. I try to take control over it, thinking about how amazing he is, how he's kept me alive for so long without even knowing it. I won't let anorexia become more important to me than he is. I just won't.
I love him more than anything, I still have him in the back of my mind at all times, still cling to his pictures, my memories of when we have met in person, every word he's said or written to me, his warming smile that tickles me, his beautiful eyes fixed on me. I can't let that go, he can't ever become less important than getting thin. He always needs to come first. Always, no matter what.
I've never been in love for this long and this hard ever before, he truly is special. I will never stop loving him, and that is more than just a promise. It's the ultimate truth. I miss him though, I miss him a lot, now that I can actually think of him for the first time in over a month. A month is but a glimpse for me, but this month, boy it's been long with all that's happened and is currently going on. I'm so busy with food, weight and exercise it's cramming in my brain. But he will always have a huge place in my heart and soul, even if he's not on my mind anymore one day.
But yeah, I miss him. I want to see him again in real life, but I know I won't be able to bribe my mother into letting me go to the main country again for a while. After all, she'd be paying unless I'll get unexpectedly rich all of a sudden. My book is on ice, frozen for the time being, cause I've been too busy getting an eating disorder and yeah.
I just want to hold him in my arms and never let go, want to look him in his eyes and smile while I'm blushing, cause I'm not afraid anymore. He knows now and I know. Yeah, I told him. I was drunk one night and managed to muster the courage, a few weeks ago. So seeing him again, I don't think it would be quite as hard, cause I really have no reason to hide my true feelings anymore. What was his reaction? Sorry, that's what I can't tell you. But it keeps me alive, he still does, no matter how it will turn out.
Because then I will know that I gave him my best shot, that I never gave up on him, or us, depending on how you see it. Cause if it all goes to hell, at least I tried, at least he will always know that I'll always love him no matter what. And if he doesn't know, I'll remind him again.
Cause even if he'll never love me, though there still is a possibility, I think him knowing that I do, will be good for him somehow. A little glimpse of light. For him to know that no matter what, he will always be beautiful in someone's eyes.
Is that sad? That now, more than ever, I will never be able to move on? I'll wait for him for the rest of my life, I'm perfectly patient yet I'm dying to know what's to come. It's exciting times and I don't think I've ever appreciated that before. Well, better late than never.
I'm having my last drink for tonight now, only 20 minutes to go and I'm not good at drinking fast. But I've had strong drinks to compensate, so I'm definitely tipsy now. Too bad I won't get truly drunk, should have started drinking earlier. But hopefully tonight, I'll be able to hold on to my thoughts of K, hold on to the one strong light in my life, my brightest shining star.
Saturday, 18 October 2014
Under control
I felt my ribs while lying down in bed this morning. It was quite an amazing feeling. I got lost in counting them, too tired to really focus. Just ran my fingers across them, over and over in stroking motions. I had not lost any weight since last night, I ate too much and too late in the day, but I felt thinner.
I have a serious caffeine addiction nowadays. Usually I have 2 cups of coffee and 3-5 energy drinks. Sometimes tea as well. Because I barely eat, I need the caffeine to keep me going. I get very tired without my fix, cause I'm not getting enough energy from the food that I eat. Even though it's sort of healthy food. Lots of vegetables (well, percentage wise) lean meats, diary products. Nothing with a lot of carbs in it like rice, potatoes, pasta, bread and what not though.
So I lack in fibres, but I probably lack in everything else too. I just don't want to eat junk food cause it makes me hate myself even more. Knowing that what I eat is healthy makes me feel less horrible after eating it. But I had half a pancake yesterday. Nothing with it though, just salad.
I realised that if I'm gonna go through the whole package of pancakes that I bought, with one half every day, it will take me almost 3 weeks. So, now you know what I mean by not being able to finish something I buy before it reaches expiration date.
I don't really think about it as much anymore, how much work I put into counting calories. I always measure up in decilitres, table spoons or use the food scale. I keep a paper of important items' calorific values written down.
It's fairly simple to calculate it now. Except for salad, cause it's so many different ingredients that need to be weighed and calculated, it can take up to 30 minutes to just fix a salad for me.
Breakfast (11:00)
1 dl potion of cornflakes with ½ dl of yoghurt and 1/4 tbs sugar: 49 kcal.
1 cup of coffee with milk and artificial sweeteners: 8 kcal.
Lunch (14:00)
1 small chicken salad from the buffet: ~100 kcal.
1 energy drink: 5 kcal.
[½ glass of apple cider vinegar]
Dinner (18:00)
½ pancake with salad: 68
1 energy drink: 5 kcal.
[1 tablet multivitamin]
[½ glass of apple cider vinegar]
Late snack (20:30)
½ dl potion of cornflakes with ½ dl of yoghurt and 1/4 tbs sugar: 36 kcal.
Calories spent: 271.
That is my meal plan for today, excluding more energy drinks. I figured I have to eat something as late as possible to not go bananas and start emptying my cabinets, so that's what the late snack is about. I then have 29 calories left to spend on coffee, energy drinks, tea or whatever. It's very thought through, as you can probably tell. So this is my life now, and that is the severity of my obsession.
Just wanted to share it to let you see, just how far I've gone with this. And no, each meal does not make me full, I'm hungry basically all the time, but I just can't eat, not more than that. Because if I do, I'll hate myself for it. If I binge, I'll starve the next day. If I feel full, I'll cry myself to sleep. Cause if I lose control over my food intake, I feel like such an utter failure, almost as if I've committed a crime.
I abandoned the over exercising. Running just isn't for me, and I got afraid of gaining muscle mass which would make it harder to lose weight if I gain muscle weight. So now I just walk, 30 to 60 minutes a day and go to the gym once or twice a week for some cardio. I don't think I burn that much through the exercise alone, maybe a couple of hundred calories a day, but it's something. And it keeps me in shape, which is a bonus.
I walk rather fast now, I'm not the slothy slow me anymore. I also still keep up my circadian rhythm (01:00 to 9:00) cause it makes me feel better and more organised. My life is so chaotic and I try to gain control with my eating habits, it's like the only thing that I can control. At first I thought I couldn't, cause it was so damn hard, but now I know that I can. But mostly it's in control of me, and my control is slipping away. Soon, I won't be able to control what goes into my mouth, this illness will control it for me.
But maybe... maybe I look forward to just letting go. Letting go of my grip of reality and letting this control me. To just go with the flow of it, see where it leads me without fighting it. It scares me though. It feels a little like walking into a labyrinth and getting all the more lost for every turn I take. Soon when I look back to try and find my way back out, I'll be so lost in it that I just have to keep on walking even though I have no idea of where I'm heading. Maybe I've already gotten to that state, I really don't know anymore.
I have a serious caffeine addiction nowadays. Usually I have 2 cups of coffee and 3-5 energy drinks. Sometimes tea as well. Because I barely eat, I need the caffeine to keep me going. I get very tired without my fix, cause I'm not getting enough energy from the food that I eat. Even though it's sort of healthy food. Lots of vegetables (well, percentage wise) lean meats, diary products. Nothing with a lot of carbs in it like rice, potatoes, pasta, bread and what not though.
So I lack in fibres, but I probably lack in everything else too. I just don't want to eat junk food cause it makes me hate myself even more. Knowing that what I eat is healthy makes me feel less horrible after eating it. But I had half a pancake yesterday. Nothing with it though, just salad.
I realised that if I'm gonna go through the whole package of pancakes that I bought, with one half every day, it will take me almost 3 weeks. So, now you know what I mean by not being able to finish something I buy before it reaches expiration date.
I don't really think about it as much anymore, how much work I put into counting calories. I always measure up in decilitres, table spoons or use the food scale. I keep a paper of important items' calorific values written down.
It's fairly simple to calculate it now. Except for salad, cause it's so many different ingredients that need to be weighed and calculated, it can take up to 30 minutes to just fix a salad for me.
Breakfast (11:00)
1 dl potion of cornflakes with ½ dl of yoghurt and 1/4 tbs sugar: 49 kcal.
1 cup of coffee with milk and artificial sweeteners: 8 kcal.
Lunch (14:00)
1 small chicken salad from the buffet: ~100 kcal.
1 energy drink: 5 kcal.
[½ glass of apple cider vinegar]
Dinner (18:00)
½ pancake with salad: 68
1 energy drink: 5 kcal.
[1 tablet multivitamin]
[½ glass of apple cider vinegar]
Late snack (20:30)
½ dl potion of cornflakes with ½ dl of yoghurt and 1/4 tbs sugar: 36 kcal.
Calories spent: 271.
That is my meal plan for today, excluding more energy drinks. I figured I have to eat something as late as possible to not go bananas and start emptying my cabinets, so that's what the late snack is about. I then have 29 calories left to spend on coffee, energy drinks, tea or whatever. It's very thought through, as you can probably tell. So this is my life now, and that is the severity of my obsession.
Just wanted to share it to let you see, just how far I've gone with this. And no, each meal does not make me full, I'm hungry basically all the time, but I just can't eat, not more than that. Because if I do, I'll hate myself for it. If I binge, I'll starve the next day. If I feel full, I'll cry myself to sleep. Cause if I lose control over my food intake, I feel like such an utter failure, almost as if I've committed a crime.
I abandoned the over exercising. Running just isn't for me, and I got afraid of gaining muscle mass which would make it harder to lose weight if I gain muscle weight. So now I just walk, 30 to 60 minutes a day and go to the gym once or twice a week for some cardio. I don't think I burn that much through the exercise alone, maybe a couple of hundred calories a day, but it's something. And it keeps me in shape, which is a bonus.
I walk rather fast now, I'm not the slothy slow me anymore. I also still keep up my circadian rhythm (01:00 to 9:00) cause it makes me feel better and more organised. My life is so chaotic and I try to gain control with my eating habits, it's like the only thing that I can control. At first I thought I couldn't, cause it was so damn hard, but now I know that I can. But mostly it's in control of me, and my control is slipping away. Soon, I won't be able to control what goes into my mouth, this illness will control it for me.
But maybe... maybe I look forward to just letting go. Letting go of my grip of reality and letting this control me. To just go with the flow of it, see where it leads me without fighting it. It scares me though. It feels a little like walking into a labyrinth and getting all the more lost for every turn I take. Soon when I look back to try and find my way back out, I'll be so lost in it that I just have to keep on walking even though I have no idea of where I'm heading. Maybe I've already gotten to that state, I really don't know anymore.
Friday, 17 October 2014
Light
A part of me still believes this could be the best year of my life. I just barely dare to hope, that things may have taken a turn for the better, like all of a sudden. But I need to give it time, and so I will. I can't tell you yet, it's way too early to make announcements. But yes, something good has happened, good enough for me to still believe even though I might have gotten myself an eating disorder which may doom me for the rest of my life.
That is huge, but as I said, I only barely dare to hope. Treading carefully, oh so very carefully to not shatter the fragile happiness that may lie ahead of me. I haven't taken it in yet, have yet not absorbed the great news, just terribly confused yet I'm not. It's hard to explain. So I drown my confusion in my fairly new obsession and focus on that problem. Not instead, just more than on that.
Sometimes my thoughts turn back and it makes me smile as I cannot fathom it. I never thought it would happen, I thought it would never happen, even though my life depended on it. For a long time it did. Then I was almost close to starting to move on when this hit me. I'm never moving on now. Never.
I'm well aware of that my cryptic hints in this post might not be so cryptic after all, cause I have a sensation that you already know what I'm talking about. Yet I won't tell you. It's too soon. It's just starting to sink in, but I'm not there quite yet. Time will tell... about that too.
That is huge, but as I said, I only barely dare to hope. Treading carefully, oh so very carefully to not shatter the fragile happiness that may lie ahead of me. I haven't taken it in yet, have yet not absorbed the great news, just terribly confused yet I'm not. It's hard to explain. So I drown my confusion in my fairly new obsession and focus on that problem. Not instead, just more than on that.
Sometimes my thoughts turn back and it makes me smile as I cannot fathom it. I never thought it would happen, I thought it would never happen, even though my life depended on it. For a long time it did. Then I was almost close to starting to move on when this hit me. I'm never moving on now. Never.
I'm well aware of that my cryptic hints in this post might not be so cryptic after all, cause I have a sensation that you already know what I'm talking about. Yet I won't tell you. It's too soon. It's just starting to sink in, but I'm not there quite yet. Time will tell... about that too.
It's weighing me down
I just feel as though I should write more in my blog about my pathetic and kinda tragic life than I've done the past month. I dunno if you feel the same. I'm constantly pre-occupied with thoughts of food, weight and my poor body image. The numbers control me. Weight, calories, dates, sizes, measurements, counting, counting, counting. I've always been drawn to numbers, ever since I first learned how to count. But now... yep, it's gotten to the extreme.
Not much has happened, not much is happening, except that I try to steer up a diet containing only 300 calories a day and thinking out how to plan each week depending on how much weight I have to lose until next Tuesday. Tuesdays have become my goal days, when I need to be on a certain weight. Theoretically it's 1 kg less every week, but in reality it's a little harder to keep it that way. This week I had to lose 2 kg to stick to my schedule, and amazingly enough: I made it!
So now I'm down on 56,4 kg and need to be on 55 by Tuesday. Unless I gain weight again, I only have 1 and a half kilo to lose until then. I do "identify" myself as anorexic because I behave like one, but I don't yet have any kind of diagnosis and I know that I'm 1 BMI point too fat to get it. Yeah I'm at 19,8 in BMI right now and I think it's 18,5 where they cross the line for underweight. I want to be underweight, I still do. Now more than ever, actually.
It scares me sometimes, how I just seem to want to go down to a lower number all the time. I'm never pleased with the way my body looks. It scares me because I might never become pleased, I might never become thin enough. I still hold back with the self diagnosis, don't want to diagnose myself with something I might not have. Leave that up to the professionals instead.
It's with both fear and anticipation that I wait for the eating disorder psychiatric unit to give me an appointment. Hoping for it to take some time, yet eager to know what they will have to say. Either torn between getting a diagnosis or getting laughed at. Being accused for being a "wanarexic" because I don't want to seek treatment for it, or I don't know.
Why won't I seek treatment? Several reasons. Just how hard it seems to be, that I'm not done yet, and that I need to explore this new territory of my mind. I wanna see where it leads me, and that will hopefully be to a much thinner body. I wanna look good for myself, to wear the clothes I've always wanted to wear...
Speaking of clothes, I can wear skinny jeans now! I only have one pair and it's the only pair that fits me now. Everything else is too big. Still wear the same baggy shirts though, still trying to cover up fat and hide my gross hips. But my legs look alright, from about half my thighs down, and they appear thinner in tighter trousers.
I get colder all the time now, especially when I fast. I fasted for 4 days this week, and I'm gonna do it for another 2 days on Sunday and Monday. Fits quite fine cause I'm gonna have some blood tests taken on Monday morning which I need to fast for. Not for 48 hours of course, but details.
This is so frustrating and restraining, losing weight so fast and being so scared of gaining weight. I put a lot pressure on myself. A whole lot of pressure... and it's, pardon the pun, weighing me down. I feel accomplished when I manage to starve, and like shit when I eat. All those stupid online tests about eating disorders that I did before they all said like "maybe you're starting to get bad" I've now done again and they show sky high results. I don't know why I keep doing those, they're stupid.
I still haven't told my mother, I don't want her worried looks on me. I don't want her bringing up Christmas, I don't want to break her heart. I'll wait until I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit. But every day when we talk is just so hard, I don't know how much longer I can hide it for.
I tend to lean towards the online forum instead, the one that offers support to people with eating disorders, and I only almost realise how much I need it. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with, and not really anyone who understands or goes through the same or similar. It's like a sanctuary there, you can talk about anything ED-related and even though my infected computer fucks up that website badly, it's still my favourite site as of now.
It doesn't even compare to facebook or tumblr, and besides, my sister follows me on tumblr so I don't know just how open I can be there. I don't know if she's already told my mother even, about those ED-related posts I've made there. Well, they're gonna find out sooner or later anyway, and it would save me the trouble to tell them.
Sorry, I'm just rambling. I don't know how to sort this out, so I just ain't gonna. I still look forward to school by the way, and I hope this thing won't get in the way. That I will somehow be able to study on a chronically empty stomach and focus on those studies along side with my eating problems and everything else. We'll see how things will go.
So anyway, just wanted to tell you how things are going, and they're not going very good, are they? I'm rapidly falling apart and get worse by the day. I'm reluctant to help and would rather just continue to get worse until there's no going back. I don't think I can go back to how things were before now. I think I'm stuck already, but yep, only time will tell. I'll keep you posted.
Not much has happened, not much is happening, except that I try to steer up a diet containing only 300 calories a day and thinking out how to plan each week depending on how much weight I have to lose until next Tuesday. Tuesdays have become my goal days, when I need to be on a certain weight. Theoretically it's 1 kg less every week, but in reality it's a little harder to keep it that way. This week I had to lose 2 kg to stick to my schedule, and amazingly enough: I made it!
So now I'm down on 56,4 kg and need to be on 55 by Tuesday. Unless I gain weight again, I only have 1 and a half kilo to lose until then. I do "identify" myself as anorexic because I behave like one, but I don't yet have any kind of diagnosis and I know that I'm 1 BMI point too fat to get it. Yeah I'm at 19,8 in BMI right now and I think it's 18,5 where they cross the line for underweight. I want to be underweight, I still do. Now more than ever, actually.
It scares me sometimes, how I just seem to want to go down to a lower number all the time. I'm never pleased with the way my body looks. It scares me because I might never become pleased, I might never become thin enough. I still hold back with the self diagnosis, don't want to diagnose myself with something I might not have. Leave that up to the professionals instead.
It's with both fear and anticipation that I wait for the eating disorder psychiatric unit to give me an appointment. Hoping for it to take some time, yet eager to know what they will have to say. Either torn between getting a diagnosis or getting laughed at. Being accused for being a "wanarexic" because I don't want to seek treatment for it, or I don't know.
Why won't I seek treatment? Several reasons. Just how hard it seems to be, that I'm not done yet, and that I need to explore this new territory of my mind. I wanna see where it leads me, and that will hopefully be to a much thinner body. I wanna look good for myself, to wear the clothes I've always wanted to wear...
Speaking of clothes, I can wear skinny jeans now! I only have one pair and it's the only pair that fits me now. Everything else is too big. Still wear the same baggy shirts though, still trying to cover up fat and hide my gross hips. But my legs look alright, from about half my thighs down, and they appear thinner in tighter trousers.
I get colder all the time now, especially when I fast. I fasted for 4 days this week, and I'm gonna do it for another 2 days on Sunday and Monday. Fits quite fine cause I'm gonna have some blood tests taken on Monday morning which I need to fast for. Not for 48 hours of course, but details.
This is so frustrating and restraining, losing weight so fast and being so scared of gaining weight. I put a lot pressure on myself. A whole lot of pressure... and it's, pardon the pun, weighing me down. I feel accomplished when I manage to starve, and like shit when I eat. All those stupid online tests about eating disorders that I did before they all said like "maybe you're starting to get bad" I've now done again and they show sky high results. I don't know why I keep doing those, they're stupid.
I still haven't told my mother, I don't want her worried looks on me. I don't want her bringing up Christmas, I don't want to break her heart. I'll wait until I get that appointment at the eating disorder unit. But every day when we talk is just so hard, I don't know how much longer I can hide it for.
I tend to lean towards the online forum instead, the one that offers support to people with eating disorders, and I only almost realise how much I need it. I don't really have anyone to talk about it with, and not really anyone who understands or goes through the same or similar. It's like a sanctuary there, you can talk about anything ED-related and even though my infected computer fucks up that website badly, it's still my favourite site as of now.
It doesn't even compare to facebook or tumblr, and besides, my sister follows me on tumblr so I don't know just how open I can be there. I don't know if she's already told my mother even, about those ED-related posts I've made there. Well, they're gonna find out sooner or later anyway, and it would save me the trouble to tell them.
Sorry, I'm just rambling. I don't know how to sort this out, so I just ain't gonna. I still look forward to school by the way, and I hope this thing won't get in the way. That I will somehow be able to study on a chronically empty stomach and focus on those studies along side with my eating problems and everything else. We'll see how things will go.
So anyway, just wanted to tell you how things are going, and they're not going very good, are they? I'm rapidly falling apart and get worse by the day. I'm reluctant to help and would rather just continue to get worse until there's no going back. I don't think I can go back to how things were before now. I think I'm stuck already, but yep, only time will tell. I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
I told my psychologist...
Maybe I'll look back at this time of my life and think I was crazy. Maybe I somehow get my life back on track again. Maybe... or maybe I'm lost in this now. Is it really crazy that I want to be underweight? I mean, we all look at thin models and say we want to look like them, don't we? And my point is that they are not exactly at a healthy weight. Or am I crazy to actually aim for that goal with all my will power and more?
My shrink told me weird things. Like this "thing" would not work because I would end up regaining all the weight again. I was like, how...? I'm not eating! I won't start eating normally again. People don't get that, and maybe it would be dangerous if I made them get that. Cause then they would really be worried.
Yeah, I told my shrink and she's gonna send a referral to the eating disorder psychiatric unit here in Visby. I was kinda shocked at that, I really thought she wouldn't believe me or just tell me to think about it some more until our next session or something. I wonder what will be of that. I haven't been able to let go.
If or when they will send an appointment for me. Would I smile or sink under the floor or perhaps a combination of both? I'm really scared I'll get an appointment too soon. I don't want it this month, preferably not until right before Christmas. It's only October but I so just wanna get to a lower weight first, before I'll have to tell my mother too... cause you know, she's gonna drive me there.
One hell of a mess it became... why did I have to open my mouth about it so quickly? Could have waited until the next session with my shrink. I wonder if she too will abandon me now. If she does, I'll get that fucking diagnosis, hang around long enough for it and then piss off from the psychiatry once and for all. Cause they can't help me if they keep abandoning me.
I'll keep taking my medications though, keep in touch with a doctor for that. But no more therapy. I'm not saying it's gonna happen. I just fear it, that she will leave me if I do end up with an eating disorder diagnosis and that is all what's on my mind and she won't be able to help me with any of that. So she would just transfer me to a new person instead. That, is when I will give up on the psychiatry once and for all. Never again.
Just saying what I think about a possible, not so far away future. I always keep my guard up in those buildings, letting them believe that I trust them, unless they up front ask me if I trust them, to which I coldly reply no. I have no reason to. It's the harsh truth, I have no fucking reason to trust them, I've never had.
But despite how much I expect them to turn their backs on me again, it still hurts me every time. I've just got too many fucking problems for one doctor to handle. I'm too much to handle for everyone but my mother. And everyone isn't my mother.
So if shit fucks up, I'll just say fuck that shit and be off on my own once again. Lost and delirious I'll continue down this destructive path which has no end. Whether I get help or not, there is still not gonna be an end to it. New things will keep on coming up while some of the old ones fades or stays. That's just my life.
I don't even want to get help for this. All I want is an expert opinion and then to be left alone. So if my shrink leaves me because of a possible eating disorder that I don't want help for... yeah, I guess you can imagine. Also, while writing this, I haven eaten for 4 days and I'm about to crumble.
My shrink told me weird things. Like this "thing" would not work because I would end up regaining all the weight again. I was like, how...? I'm not eating! I won't start eating normally again. People don't get that, and maybe it would be dangerous if I made them get that. Cause then they would really be worried.
Yeah, I told my shrink and she's gonna send a referral to the eating disorder psychiatric unit here in Visby. I was kinda shocked at that, I really thought she wouldn't believe me or just tell me to think about it some more until our next session or something. I wonder what will be of that. I haven't been able to let go.
If or when they will send an appointment for me. Would I smile or sink under the floor or perhaps a combination of both? I'm really scared I'll get an appointment too soon. I don't want it this month, preferably not until right before Christmas. It's only October but I so just wanna get to a lower weight first, before I'll have to tell my mother too... cause you know, she's gonna drive me there.
One hell of a mess it became... why did I have to open my mouth about it so quickly? Could have waited until the next session with my shrink. I wonder if she too will abandon me now. If she does, I'll get that fucking diagnosis, hang around long enough for it and then piss off from the psychiatry once and for all. Cause they can't help me if they keep abandoning me.
I'll keep taking my medications though, keep in touch with a doctor for that. But no more therapy. I'm not saying it's gonna happen. I just fear it, that she will leave me if I do end up with an eating disorder diagnosis and that is all what's on my mind and she won't be able to help me with any of that. So she would just transfer me to a new person instead. That, is when I will give up on the psychiatry once and for all. Never again.
Just saying what I think about a possible, not so far away future. I always keep my guard up in those buildings, letting them believe that I trust them, unless they up front ask me if I trust them, to which I coldly reply no. I have no reason to. It's the harsh truth, I have no fucking reason to trust them, I've never had.
But despite how much I expect them to turn their backs on me again, it still hurts me every time. I've just got too many fucking problems for one doctor to handle. I'm too much to handle for everyone but my mother. And everyone isn't my mother.
So if shit fucks up, I'll just say fuck that shit and be off on my own once again. Lost and delirious I'll continue down this destructive path which has no end. Whether I get help or not, there is still not gonna be an end to it. New things will keep on coming up while some of the old ones fades or stays. That's just my life.
I don't even want to get help for this. All I want is an expert opinion and then to be left alone. So if my shrink leaves me because of a possible eating disorder that I don't want help for... yeah, I guess you can imagine. Also, while writing this, I haven eaten for 4 days and I'm about to crumble.
Friday, 10 October 2014
Time will tell
I wonder... can't help but wonder how I suddenly turned eating disordered over night between the 15th and 16th of September. Over night I became obsessed with losing weight like never before and I haven't been able to let go since then. That's why I hope it's phase, a dangerous "diet" or something close to it. A way of living that will eventually pass and I'll be back to my old self again once I've reached my goal. I hope, but I don't believe.
I don't dare to, scared of losing control but it feels like I've already lost it now. I can't get over the fear of certain foods, the fear of gaining weight, how horrible I think my body looks, how utterly obsessed I am, how I feel hungry all the time but can't allow myself to eat or drink anything with "too much" calories. My fears of weight gain and calories are constantly rising a little more day by day until...
I don't know where I'm gonna end up. With a "fuck this shit" attitude around Christmas and be able to just bounce back to normal again a heartbeat, or in a hospital dangerously underweight and riddled with disordered eating so to the point of it threatening my pure survival. I know myself too well to know that there won't be a middle ground.
I've gone down to 57,6 kg now and that is almost 3 kg in 3 weeks. I've been fasting yesterday and today as well, nearly 40 hours without any kind of food, just coffee, tea, diet coke, water and energy drinks. And the result it gives me is anticipating, exciting and driving me to continue. I lost half a kilo over night and I'm just so excited to see what the scale is gonna show me tomorrow.
I'm losing both weight and my senses, I'm losing this game but I keep on playing. Like poker, I'm gambling with everything I have hoping to win the biggest reward ever: underweight. I'm also doing it to distract myself from other harsh things about reality, things that I can't even begin to think about without breaking apart. I don't want to tell you, because that means acknowledging it.
It's not really a horrible thing that's happened, nothing's changed really, but it tore my world apart, or it would have if I had not had my mind so completely filled to the brim with weight loss obsession and food anxiety. So I keep obsessing, for better or worse, but it's getting harder to hide it from my family, shrink and the crew.
They keep asking me about food and exercise and I lie. Don't know what else to do. They can't know, they'd try to stop me. And I don't know, but I think telling them the truth would somehow be me asking them for help to "recover" or whatever. I don't want that. I don't want to stop obsessing, I only want one thing right now and that is to get thin. I don't care what it costs, I'm getting there.
I will however, try to eat something tomorrow. If I've gone down to 57 kg flat, that is. If not I'll fast yet another day but that's it. On Sunday I'm gonna eat no matter what. I promise, and I always keep my promises. So you know I won't stop eating altogether. It's a myth, you know, that anorexics don't eat. They would all be dead if that was true, but "only" 20% of them die. I say "them" because I know that I'm not anorexic. I might be heading that way, I likely have EDNOS which is eating disorder not otherwise specified, but I'm not anorexic.
I'm just not gonna self diagnose myself with that. EDNOS is a better self diagnosis and most likely also true, but time will tell if it develops to anorexia, which is what I think and fear. And I won't be getting any help before then, before time has told me what's the verdict.
I'm sorry if I worry you, I just wanted to update you a little. I'm sticking to my goal of getting down to 50 kg by the end of November or beginning of December. I plan to stop then, but yeah. We'll just have to wait and see how that goes.
I don't dare to, scared of losing control but it feels like I've already lost it now. I can't get over the fear of certain foods, the fear of gaining weight, how horrible I think my body looks, how utterly obsessed I am, how I feel hungry all the time but can't allow myself to eat or drink anything with "too much" calories. My fears of weight gain and calories are constantly rising a little more day by day until...
I don't know where I'm gonna end up. With a "fuck this shit" attitude around Christmas and be able to just bounce back to normal again a heartbeat, or in a hospital dangerously underweight and riddled with disordered eating so to the point of it threatening my pure survival. I know myself too well to know that there won't be a middle ground.
I've gone down to 57,6 kg now and that is almost 3 kg in 3 weeks. I've been fasting yesterday and today as well, nearly 40 hours without any kind of food, just coffee, tea, diet coke, water and energy drinks. And the result it gives me is anticipating, exciting and driving me to continue. I lost half a kilo over night and I'm just so excited to see what the scale is gonna show me tomorrow.
I'm losing both weight and my senses, I'm losing this game but I keep on playing. Like poker, I'm gambling with everything I have hoping to win the biggest reward ever: underweight. I'm also doing it to distract myself from other harsh things about reality, things that I can't even begin to think about without breaking apart. I don't want to tell you, because that means acknowledging it.
It's not really a horrible thing that's happened, nothing's changed really, but it tore my world apart, or it would have if I had not had my mind so completely filled to the brim with weight loss obsession and food anxiety. So I keep obsessing, for better or worse, but it's getting harder to hide it from my family, shrink and the crew.
They keep asking me about food and exercise and I lie. Don't know what else to do. They can't know, they'd try to stop me. And I don't know, but I think telling them the truth would somehow be me asking them for help to "recover" or whatever. I don't want that. I don't want to stop obsessing, I only want one thing right now and that is to get thin. I don't care what it costs, I'm getting there.
I will however, try to eat something tomorrow. If I've gone down to 57 kg flat, that is. If not I'll fast yet another day but that's it. On Sunday I'm gonna eat no matter what. I promise, and I always keep my promises. So you know I won't stop eating altogether. It's a myth, you know, that anorexics don't eat. They would all be dead if that was true, but "only" 20% of them die. I say "them" because I know that I'm not anorexic. I might be heading that way, I likely have EDNOS which is eating disorder not otherwise specified, but I'm not anorexic.
I'm just not gonna self diagnose myself with that. EDNOS is a better self diagnosis and most likely also true, but time will tell if it develops to anorexia, which is what I think and fear. And I won't be getting any help before then, before time has told me what's the verdict.
I'm sorry if I worry you, I just wanted to update you a little. I'm sticking to my goal of getting down to 50 kg by the end of November or beginning of December. I plan to stop then, but yeah. We'll just have to wait and see how that goes.
Wednesday, 8 October 2014
Planning weight loss
I haven't written here for a while again, cause I've just been ranting the same thing over and over and it's killing me, yet I can't and won't stop. This disordered eating now takes up more space in my head than K does. It's constantly taunting me, for everything I eat, for every time I skip my exercise.
I'm trying out a new thing again, to count my calories and stay under or around 300 a day. Also take at least one long walk a day every day, and go to the gym for 30 to 60 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.
I had so much anxiety going to the gym today. I thought I was gonna die. But I did go there and burned 157 calories under a 30 minutes session on the stationary bicycle. I bought a gym card that I intend to use but we'll see how it goes. I'm not gonna lift any weights anymore, I don't want to gain muscle if it's possible to avoid. It would only make me look fatter and it won't help me actually lose weight.
I'm so tired today, but ate for 310 calories, but now it's been almost 12 hours since last I ate something. Gonna go to bed soon though, and weigh myself for the third time today. I now fit into every criteria of anorexia nervousa except that I'm not thin enough. Way to go... Anyways, I'll be back soon.
I'm trying out a new thing again, to count my calories and stay under or around 300 a day. Also take at least one long walk a day every day, and go to the gym for 30 to 60 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.
I had so much anxiety going to the gym today. I thought I was gonna die. But I did go there and burned 157 calories under a 30 minutes session on the stationary bicycle. I bought a gym card that I intend to use but we'll see how it goes. I'm not gonna lift any weights anymore, I don't want to gain muscle if it's possible to avoid. It would only make me look fatter and it won't help me actually lose weight.
I'm so tired today, but ate for 310 calories, but now it's been almost 12 hours since last I ate something. Gonna go to bed soon though, and weigh myself for the third time today. I now fit into every criteria of anorexia nervousa except that I'm not thin enough. Way to go... Anyways, I'll be back soon.
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