The war in my mind

I still haven't quite decided how I should celebrate tomorrow, but I'm thinking I can go to a coffee-house, sit out doors and draw a picture of K while smoking and enjoying a little treat of some kind. If the weather allows it of course. Still not anorexic enough to feel all that bad about having a cupcake or something sweet every once in a while. At least as long as it's very seldom and just a little.

I was thinking, the other day, that maybe I don't at all have an eating disorder. Maybe I'm just very determined to lose weight until I'm somewhat satisfied with my body and then I'll go back to my normal eating habits again. Maybe that's all this is. And that thought kinda calmed me down, like a sigh of relief almost. I hope it's true, but honestly I doubt it. I'm pretty sure this a downward spiral because of my obsession about it.

I'm still holding on to that I'm not quite there yet, that I still have some amount of sanity left within me when it comes to my weight loss obsession. Yet I'm prepared to say good bye to that sanity, when the time comes for that. Yeah, I'm willing so sacrifice that for getting thin, it's that important to me. But it feels like I'm losing a war and giving in for it is hard and scary. I don't want to be anorexic, I'm just willing to end up like that if it's the only way I can continue losing weight.

Crazy, desperate or just determined, I don't know maybe all three. It takes up a lot of space in my mind and the amount of it just increases all the time. My guilt for eating, my interest in counting calories, the stress that comes when I can't know how much calories something contains, the way I'm terrified of gaining weight or inches, the way I never think I'm not doing enough or pushing myself hard enough. How those thoughts eat me up every single day.

I've increased my dosage of the medicine Abilify now by the way, but I'm not sure how I think that will help or in what way. I don't have much psychotic tendencies now and my anxiety is very valid compared to the general anxiety that I experienced a lot before taking all the pills that I take for it now. I'm still very slightly psychotic, I think. I see signs and get vague messages, still believe in those mystical ghosts haunting me even though I don't see much of them lately.

I realise that my otherkin identity most likely is a delusion, because I think it's a bit crazy when I'm lucid, like right now. That it's a desperate excuse for finding something/somewhere I belong to. But I still and always believe in my past lives. They are real memories. I'm not sure how it goes together, but I still sense that I was a demon in those past lives.

Maybe I just see it as simply my past and not my present. Like I know that I'm human in this life, no matter what I was before this life, if that makes any sense. I've never felt that I'm human, I've always felt extremely alienated compared to everyone around me. When I look back at my early childhood, I get a sensation that being born was like being forcibly thrown into a nightmare.

Maybe that was true, or maybe my mind played tricks on me already very early on. I can never seem to figure out if I was born crazy or if I was just weird as a kid and got crazy when Anna came to me when I was 9 and still a child. However, sanity has never been such a big part of my life, whatever it's about. I know though, that I am rational in ways many mentally ill people aren't. But crazy isn't necessarily the same thing as being mentally ill to me. It's more complicated than that.

In all the ways I think that I'm crazy, isn't always what other people consider to be crazy. It's a thing of perception, a point of view, an opinion. What I don't think is normal, what is harming me or strange beliefs that aren't reasonable. That is what crazy means to me. An unusual way of living in my own mind that is harmful to me. People say such things can't be dangerous, but then they haven't been in my situation, now have they?

It's very dangerous to believe that I will come home when I die. It's very dangerous to rely so deeply and sincerely on emotions and random thoughts that I act upon them. It's also dangerous to believe delusions and hallucinations to be real when they tell me to do things that can have grave consequences. The war in my mind has led me to resort to suicide and self harm more times than I can count so don't you dare tell me my fantasy world isn't dangerous. It's not a fairytale, it's a nightmare.

Well that escalated quickly to something negative. I have a lot on my mind today and the day has just barely begun for me. I will most likely post more later today, so this will have to do for now. A lot of thoughts just continue spiralling to new places and I'm not sure where one thought ends and another begins. But it's not completely chaotic, just very well blended, like colours fading into each other.

Survive

Waking up to a panic attack. Hmm, that's nice... can I go back to bed again? No, I don't want to do that, I can't do that. Shit, can barely write cause I'm shaking so much. I'm out of pills, fuck. This is killing me, it feels like it's killing me.

It's in situations like this that I realise how limited my life really is. Had a talk with my mother and I think I'm starting to calm down now, she's also bringing me more pills. My mind is still raging but my physical symptoms are slowly getting back to normal. Still panicking a bit, but I'm trying my best here.

I want to reach out to him, but I have no idea how. I've never been in this situation before, what do I do? I want to be the healer, but I can't even heal myself. Is that hypocritical of me? And not just because it's hurting me, not at all because of that. I just can't handle this situation. It's not something I've caused myself, if that's what you think. This has nothing to do with me.

I care so much because I love him, but I don't know if I can do this. I'm so fucking scared all the time and my worries hit the roof today. It's not about me, but I feel as if it is. I don't know if that makes any sense. I've been quiet about this but now I can't hold it in anymore. I don't want to say exactly what this is about, cause it's not my own pain that I feel. It's not my situation to tell, not my story, not my life.

I'm not selfish, far from it. But I've reached a certain point where it affects me so much that I crumble. I'm not saying that I'm suicidal or anything, I'm just so fucking scared and lost and I don't know what to do. I'm not searching for advice here, I just want you guys to know.

I've been cutting again for some time now, I don't remember when I started doing that again, and it's of horrible reasons cause I just can't handle these emotions. I don't want to cut, it's just that I resort to it cause I know no other way. I'm trying to do it as little as possible, only when the feelings are overwhelming, when I can't control myself and when pills aren't enough.

I've also been drinking again, I get drunk a few days a week. Same reasons, same poor excuses. And I hate myself for it. I try to imagine my future if I continue doing this, how I really don't want to become an alcoholic again, how that would completely ruin my life. But I can't stop myself. I think it has a lot to do with that I've been drinking before, that I know how it helps and it's hard to focus on the bad that will happen if I continue, but I try. In the moment, the emotional release is all that matters. I'm losing it again.

I hide it, don't want anyone to know. It's pathetic and there's no excuse for it. But here you know, cause maybe it's even more pathetic to hide it, I don't know. I just can't hold it in anymore. Of course I'll tell my shrink about it though, I've been planning to do that all along. I'll stick to the most important so we'll have time to discuss it. The other stuff can wait.

This is just a glimpse of what's been going on. My side and my reaction to what I can't tell you. This wasn't my first panic attack these last weeks, but it was the strongest. I don't know how much longer I can hold on, don't know what will happen if this progresses. I don't want to think about it, but it's invading my mind all the time. As I said I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel this pain anymore. That's all, I want to numb it so that I can continue go on living my life. It's a way of survival, not a way to die.

Panic

Shit, this is a real panic attack. Cause I'm getting dizzy and my heart is beating its way out of my chest and it's been pounding like that for nearly an hour now. Along with cold sweats and I'm shaking like a leaf. So I took what I had, the rest of my Sobril (30 mg) and 5 mg Zyprexa. Don't know if that is a bad combo, I got pretty desperate. I've never had such a panic attack in a very long time, or if ever.

It was about 20 or so minutes ago that I downed those pills, but my heart still won't calm down. I know why I got the panic attack, but it's something I can't do anything about. Not now at least, cause it's not really regarding me. So I medicate and try to distract myself instead.

Finally the drugs kicked it, and the combination doesn't seem to be bad, not so far at least. I'm feeling low drugged, which is good. Also took a fast paced walk around the house to get some air and get moving a bit. Now I can finally relax a bit. I think I'm starting to calm down now. Though so drugged up I just can't quite focus on anything. Maybe I took a little too much.

I need to get more Sobril, cause Zyprexa just makes me tired and doesn't deal with the physical symptoms of these attacks. I really need to see my psychiatrist for my medicines but I haven't gotten an established contact with one yet. I'm on a stupid waiting list to get an appointment with her. But it should be possible to see another doctor before that, if the waiting is gonna continue for too long.

I know it's hard to get Sobril prescribed, especially since I've been using it irresponsibly for some time a few years ago. And also because I need it in higher dosages. 30 mg is a quite high dosage and it's gonna be hard convincing a doctor to subscribe it to me. But I have to stand my ground and push them a bit. Tell them it's the best thing for this panic and anxiety attacks. And also that my mother keeps track of all the pills I take so she could help me just getting enough to survive and not so much that I can overdose on it. Then I also want to up Abilify without telling why and such. So yeah, just needed to vent a bit.

Synchronised chaos

I'm such a fool. I don't know what I'm doing regarding anything. I have so much going on inside it feels like I'm gonna burst soon. Yet I feel compelled to hush about it. The world has no business in what I find too private to share. But I'm getting desperate to get it out of me. I'm gonna spill my guts to my shrink when I see her 4th June. I'm gonna tell her all about K and what's been going on these past two weeks.

A lot of shit and happiness to be honest. I'm just clueless, desperate and fluctuating between feeling strong and weak. I still haven't shifted to the dark me yet, which I find to be a relief. I hate shifting, it's confusing a distressing. But maybe I want to. Don't know why, I don't know much at all. Everything is up side down and inside out and I'm allover the place.

Desperate to get things under control again. It's like I'm on a train running off the track and there's no way of stopping it. Just falling down a hill or something, rather than drowning. I don't know which is worst, to be honest. Drowning or falling. I don't feel my own feelings. I depend on his. I'm so synchronised with him it scares me half to death.

I've lost my senses. The five, you know, not my mind. I'm blinded and deafened by love. The rest I just don't notice. Well, obviously I've lost my mind too, but I never quite had one to begin with, so to say. Born crazy, muhahahaha!

I've been smoking a lot lately. Like really a lot. I get so nervous sometimes, and it's so hard to relax. I can't find peace within myself, it's all just chaos. I've been true to my words, about not lying to K about anything. Just one really small lie that I regret, so hopefully I won't do it again. I can't start out lying, that would be terrible. I still miss him very much, like wounds in my soul, tears in my heart.

Those butterflies in my stomach are more like wild, raging animals who knows no other than cruelty and madness. Tearing me apart, over and over again. This is becoming tedious and repetitive, but I have nothing else to share than my darkness and pain. I'm sorry for that.

Blame it on me

I'm a bit proud of myself that I've only had 360 calories today. Two diet drinks, caffeine pills and water. That's all. So what, I've stopped drinking coffee now? I don't know, I just don't feel like stuffing myself full of unnecessary calories like that, when I can just take the pills to reach the same effect.

I'm more compelled than ever to lose weight now, and that fast. I want people to look at me in the summer and think of me as thin. If that means going down to 57, 55 or 50 kg I don't know. Somehow numbers under 60 seem very low to me, but they're not. They're not low for my height. I'm only 168 cm and 57 kg is within normal weight range. I know too much about this shit...

I'm so afraid of screwing up. No matter what situation, how much or how little. I fear it like nothing else. Afraid to be misunderstood, that people would take it the wrong way or become upset with me. But mostly it's because I would hate myself for it. I always do when I screw up with something, even the tiniest little thing and I can hate myself for the rest of my life because of it. Usually it's about things I've said.

But not in every situation. I'm not shy with K, not at all. In fact, I worry that maybe I'm too extroverted and clingy. Has he just kinda turned my whole world up side down? Yes. But I do worry about what to say to him. I believe I have a reason to worry. This fucking Asperger totally fucks up my ability to handle myself in any social situations. It's like a mental blocker, a wall that I have to dig myself through. It's very restraining and it always has been.

Tomorrow I will have half of my sandwich that I always buy. Only half. I've been saying I do that, but it's a lie. I did eat it half but then I took the other half later the same day. I'm not gonna do that in the future. Also I'm gonna have a little work out again tomorrow, then I'm gonna try to do that every day. Or well, 6 days a week so to rest one day.

I've been lazy, haven't gone to the gym in weeks. I just can't handle the anxiety and I don't want to take pills prior to going there. So I've just been starting to do some exercise in my own living room instead. I know some basic stuff and I do have a book about building muscles, somewhere...

Still can't decide if I should build muscles or just burn fat. Can I do both? By the way I voted today, feels good. Still not gonna argue about the selection, but I hope it goes well though. For me and the rest of the world that I don't care a shit about.

Massive update is massive, but I just have so much to say about everything today. I've really tried to cut it down, but seems impossible. Oh heck, who's gonna read it anyway. Self esteem issues, I'm working on that too.

Priorities

Woah, I really have gotten more proportional. Just took some measurements and I've lost 4 cm off my thighs and 10 cm off my ass since last time I checked, and all other measurements are basically the same. My hips and shoulders are the same in cm now. There is hope! Testosterone, I love you.

So now things are starting to change. That took a while... but better late than never, of course. That fat redistribution and even some muscle mass gain, I think. What is it now, 9 months on testosterone? Yes, about a week ago. One year on August 19th.

I feel great today. Despite of or because of the starvation, that is the question. Probably both. I feel confident that I can actually do this today, yet I'm stressed cause I "need" to lose at least another 5 kg before it's summer for real. Let's say first of July. That is when I will have to be on 57 kg.

Most of all I'm afraid of losing control over this. Right now, I'm still struggling to keep control over my eating and exercise habits, pushing it further as I go. Sometimes I slip and punish myself for it. Other times I don't give a damn, and sometimes I keep it up the way I feel like I actually am in control. What is control? Is it to eat as little as possible or to avoid certain kinds of food for a long time? Is it exercising on an empty stomach or being able to take a longer and faster walk than usually? Is it not giving into temptation or being able to handle it if I do? Yes, yes to all of that and more.

Such is my life right now, but most of the time I just think about K. You know, it's actually possible to be on a starving diet and still have my head full of thoughts about him. And then I worry about my personality split from time to time. There is usually three major things filling up my eternally stressed mind at once. K, food/weight and light/dark me, in that order. That's the trio these days.

But I feel somehow, that as long as my love for K runs deeper than my weight obsession it's alright. It doesn't take up all the space, it's not my number one priority. I think I finally found it, after writing about eating disorders and whether I have them or not for three hours. That as long as it's not my top priority I'm safe. Though it is my second priority, so it is escalating.

Especially now since the trans deal is getting closer to be finished, and I can put that behind me. Well, not entirely of course, I'm always gonna have that nagging at me to some degree or another, I can't change or erase my past. And some things I can't change about my body, no matter how much I want to.

For health

It's getting hard to starve myself, I keep falling into temptation and then I hate myself for it. So I wrote up a list of do's and don't's when I'm feeling hungry or want to eat, along with general rules I set up for myself. You don't have to tell me how stupid or wrong this is, I already know. I'm not oblivious to the risks and stupidity about what it is I'm doing.

I'm just desperate to lose weight and I know this is the only way I can do it. I can't change my diet cause there are so few things that I can eat now. Chicken and bread, basically. A little veggies on the side, but not much. And candy, which I won't eat for obvious reasons. I can't eat anything else cause it's just too disgusting.

The bad thing is that those sandwiches I live on are made out of white bread and it totally fucks up my stomach cause I'm not getting enough fibres. I need a lot of that and it's basically the only thing I truly need when it comes to food, it seems. I probably won't be able to continue living on only them for much longer because of this, and it sucks, to be honest. Cause I don't know what else I can eat.

Today I'm having water. Massive amounts of water to keep me full, and coffee to numb the hunger and to keep me alert. I've been eating "too much" these last few days so I "need" to not eat for a day or so to get back on track again.

I'm having lots of little hallucinations or illusions, I'm not sure which. I hear things that I want to hear, notifications and messages (like from actual people) and I smell things that aren't there. Right now I smell strawberries. I get a lot of smell hallucinations as of lately, usually different types of food. Could be cause I'm starving though.

I actually got around to fix my new bondage pants so that they fit me better. Cause why buy a smaller size when you can make the ones you've got smaller? I wanted them tighter, even though I could wear them the way they were. They are of a tighter fit than my other bondage pants, so I didn't need to do much. Or well, I took in about a decimetre on each leg...

They fit me like 36" and I'm 33" now. I will probably keep making them smaller as I lose more weight though. I still can't believe almost all of my pants are too big now. I haven't gotten that much smaller on my upper body though, which is good. Though of course I want to be smaller allover, but the proportions are even more important.

I will probably obsess a lot about food and weight today. Usually as soon as I eat something I become so disgusted by myself I can't bear the thought of my goal to lose weight. It's when I'm forcibly hungry that I feel strong, confident and on my way to that goal. That's when thinspiration is helpful and future plans are on top of my list. Well, secondly, since K will always be number one and he goes before everything. Even my own health.

Forever

It's exactly a week left now, until I'm gonna celebrate that I've been in love with K for a whole year. And I still won't let go. Damn I won't let go... I'm gonna fight for his heart, though that may sound horrible, but it's not. I'm not gonna force him to do anything he doesn't want to, but I am trying to make him fall in love with me, at the best of my ability.

I don't know if I'll make that tattoo of his name, it seems like a stupid thing to do somehow. I want to be more sure where we stand first. I'm giving it six months or so, pushing it even further if I think that would be needed. I always want to be sure about my future tattoos, wanna know exactly what I want to get, how and why. To be so sure that I give it have years to think about it. So why would I do one basically on impulse?

I'm out of control with my feelings for him, yet I manage to hold back from telling him. Instead I'm giving him hints that I like him a bit more than just as a friend. Hints I'm not even sure he understands. I'm afraid he would notice "too early" and it would get all weird and stuff. Now it seems maybe I have a chance and I don't want to screw it up for anything in the world.

I keep pushing and postponing telling him the truth. So afraid of rejection it's like the worst nightmare imaginable to me. But I'm still opting telling him when I see him this summer, but I'm not sure. I don't know, but I think maybe he's waiting for me to tell, like he knows but don't know how to ask me about it. And I can't. I just can't tell him straight out like that. It has to be the right mood, in person and alone with him.

It might be asking for too much, but I don't think it's impossible to achieve that kind of moment. Don't get me wrong, I want to tell him, I so want to tell him. It's been driving me crazy since October god damn it. It feels like I could love him forever, even if I get tired of feeling like this, even if anything that I can't think of. Everything is possible but he's gotten too deep into my soul for me to ever being able to let go. I believe that.

New roads

There's nothing I can say, that won't come out wrong, but that I miss him so much that it physically hurts inside me. I'm lost in this mess. I don't know what is real anymore, I'm thinking that maybe I just see what I want to see. That it's just wishful thinking and my undying hopes that makes it real. Is it real? I know you're reading this. But I don't. Of course I can't know. You're probably sound asleep by now.

This is so absurd, I haven't been able to focus very well today. I'm just having my head in the clouds. My heart swings in every possible direction today. Why can't I stop thinking? My thoughts are driving me mad. Thoughts about him, always about him. I can't think of anything else. Sorry if this becomes repetitive, I really don't have anything to say about anything else.

I've been writing all day, trying to figure it out, but I just end up entangling myself in it further more. Yeah, I definitely need to see my shrink. Finally got a hold of her, and got an appointment on June 4th. It's two weeks... I'll try to not fall apart until then, but I honestly don't know if I can. One day at a time, one day at a time.

I don't even know what's up all of a sudden. I'm better than ever, I'm worse than before, but not worse than ever. It doesn't feel like I've fallen back. More like I took a new road and it turned out to be quite chaotic. A new way of madness, not the old crap.

I always manage to find new roads like that. More shit I didn't know about before. I hate it, I hate it so much, but I can't do anything about it. I don't want to think about the future, don't want to know what will become of me one day, when I've walked all the roads there is to walk, discovered the whole forest full of roads.

But I do know, and that's what's freaking me out. Cause I don't want to end up like that. I really don't, but I have no choice. All I can do is postpone it, as far into the future as possibly possible.

That is my first and final say for today, cause it honestly took an entire day to think of something not too personal to share. I'm so distracted and can't focus on even editing this text, but I'll do it anyway. Good night, readers.

Sublime contrasts

I'm shifting between feeling happy and missing him so much that it hurts me to tears. Could I get physical wounds inside me from all that pain? Cause it feels like I could. I'm thinking psychosomatic stuff, but I don't know.

Somehow listening to music he likes makes that music awesome to me no matter what it is. I don't understand how that works exactly. Either he's got really good taste in music or I'm not just blinded by love, but also deafened by it... interesting.

That energy drink I had today was absolutely disgusting. I'm starting to get disgusted by the chemical taste of them drinks in general, which is a bit of a problem since I need my caffeine but coffee makes my stomach upset. Like I can't stand it kinda upset. But most energy drinks are okay, it's just that one that was kinda horrible to drink up. Yes, I still drank it. I'm not made of money to just throw in the garbage or pour out in the sink. And besides, caffeine is caffeine.

Damn, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so happy and so messed up all at once. Do I even need to see my shrink? Cause I'm getting happier again. Though I'm afraid it might pass and besides I still have that dark mess crawling inside me.

I'm all light and think everything is awesome and beautiful and the way things are supposed to be. The next moment I'm all dark and depressed and think everything is painful and horrible. No in betweens, it's black or white. Almost a bit like bipolar, but with just a few days between shifts. And I'm not exactly manic when I'm light, just more easy going and cheerful. And I'm not quite depressed when I'm dark either, more just cold and distracted. I really wanna know what that shit is all about.

Feel alive

And suddenly I forgot how to breathe again. And I forgot the window is open and it's kinda cold in here. Cause I'm not. Damn, this must be the best day in a long time. Just saying. Now I'm just trying to remember how to breathe again and maybe, just maybe I'll also try to wind down a bit. But probably not. I'm riding the high and it's fantastic. I might be completely wrong but my hopes are high. Sky high. I don't care if it will hurt like hell if they are not met later in reality, I don't care cause I'm in love.

To be honest with you, I'm not 100% sure as to why I feel so happy all of a sudden. If I can figure it out it would be easier to maintain this feeling. But I should go to bed like this every night. And another positive thing: I shifted to the light me again! Wow, I've missed that half of me. Almost like missing another person, which was a little weird for me. Like how can I miss myself? Mind fuck.

I don't care if I'm okay with sharing this much with you, cause I think you deserve so get a happy text from me after all that darkness that's been going on. Though this has been a really good week, but also a really bad one. I can't exactly explain it, other than that it has been super intense. I can't say I'm complaining though, cause what is feeling alive if not intensity?

Getting by

I think I should name my fly or something. Cause "You annoying piece of shit" is just a bit too long. I put out a lump of sugar for it. So maybe it won't touch my drinking glass. What, I really don't have much of life, huh? Considering flies pets and talking to my plant. I'm just lonely, and still somehow don't want to see people. Maybe plants and flies are enough company then. Oh, and spiders, they're actually kind of nice guests compared to flies.

Insects and spiders, I've always liked them in a way. Was fascinated by them as a kid and though not so fascinated anymore, I still like them. As long as they're not annoying, that is. Maybe that's why I like their company, was my thought.

Got a new appointment at Huddinge by the way, 16th July, 15:00 o'clock. Don't know how to plan around that to be honest, cause I will most likely be in Uppsala at that point. Perhaps I could get there "on my own" if I have someone to guide me, or that my mother could go there and help me out and then go back home again. It will probably work out one way or another though.

I think my fly is both blind and stupid, but I'm starting to like it somehow. Maybe we have something in common... or not, I don't know. Yes I realise this is silly. Oops, just killed it. Oh well, it was pretty annoying and I just had enough.

Me: I broke through my pills again.
Anna: But why?
Me: Cause I don't want to stop talking to him.

I'm doing some transmogrification runs with my night elf druid tonight. Going for one of my favourite leather sets, since I got tired of her robe with mismatched belt and gloves. Sure it's a nice robe (it looks like she's wearing a leather corset over it and it gives her a nice cleavage) but I felt like having a more complete outfit, since she's level 90 and all now. Ah, there. All done and mogged. She looks fabulous.

Hah another sandwich today, which explains that my food anxiety is also getting fed more. Fed with feelings of guilt, shame, frustration and whatever. So I have to go fasting again tomorrow. Only drinking water, tea, coffee and smoke a lot. Maybe having a simple fresh salad. They got a salad bar in the grocery store, so I can just go there and grab whatever I want and then pay for it. Eat by a bench in the lovely weather or going home again to eat there. I have to be up early enough for it though, so that it's not closed, I mean. Hmm yes, that is a plan. A little different lunch that day.

I see it as that I only have lunches these days. One sandwich on the middles of the day/early afternoon and the rest of meals are empty. No more chewing on things. Just that sandwich. I think I'm getting along fine with only that.

Marks

I wanna tattoo his name on my hip. I've only just thought about it, it might be a bit impulsive. I mean I was thinking, I've carved in people's names with razors onto my skin before without regretting it, so doubting I'd regret having K's name permanently etched in. Even if he doesn't love me, even if we never get together. I want to have it as a reminder, because I've never loved anyone else like him before. Cause he's simply very special to me, and will always be.

I do realise the risks of tattooing someone else's name, heard some tales about that. I'm not oblivious to that. But on the other hand I've never been against it, always even thought I would do it someday. I just waited for the right person, and I think I've found him. But even if, even if I would fall out of love and in love with someone new, still having his name in my skin won't be a problem for me. Well, of course I can't say for sure, but that's what I believe.

So I just thought I should tell you about that. But then of course I'd have to become open about who he is to basically every one who knows him that I'm gonna meet, my close friends and family. Oh dear, my mother is gonna kill me... just thought of that too. But how much could such a tattoo cost? Not more than a few hundred I'd estimate, but depends on the studio and such of course.

And besides, it's my body and not any of my parents' business, especially not if I can get it for just a few hundred bucks. If they're worried about me regretting stuff, they should know by now that once I've made up my mind I go all the way and never look back. I'm just not the type of person who regrets things. And even if I do it's not gonna be the end of the world.

Though I haven't decided for sure yet, if I'm gonna do it. I realise that there's more to it than what I've covered above, but I can't go on forever. I'll work on a design and see if I like it, so that I'll have something to think about before deciding for sure.

Waiting

I see him everywhere. In pictures, and in real life. I know it isn't him, but my mind somehow interprets it that way. It's not like I think he looks like everyone or that everyone look like him. Cause that's really not the case. It's more like I just want it to be him. That it would be him walking past me on the street in Hemse, that he would somehow be here, close to me. If only to just say hi or even just a quick wave.

I need him so damn much, but he doesn't need me. I crave, long, ache for him. I'm trying to find substitutes but nothing works. Like holding ice can be a substitute for self harm but it doesn't quite cut it, you know what I mean? Yes, pun intended.

I'm so terribly lonely and sad. Wishing I could shift back to the light me again, but I'm coping better this way. And like this I don't have to "fear" shifting again. Cause it's better to shift from dark to light than the other way around, for some reason. I wouldn't say either is more positive or negative, but I like the lighter half better. It's because the dark half is triggered, the light isn't. I shift back when I'm ready or something and then shift to dark again when triggered by something bad. Apparently either state lasts about a few days.

My distractions aren't working today. And writing like this is hardly a distraction at all, rather the opposite. I play a lot of WoW, but I don't really want to. It doesn't help or anything. Just passing time cause I can't think of anything better to do. Putting cloth heirlooms on a balance druid. Well, intellect is good and I level faster. Who cares that I might come off as the noob I am? I don't have leather heirlooms yet.

I write so much and can't decide what I want to share or not. Most of it I don't want to share. A lot of rantings about K mostly. My worries and fears. I'm gonna try to go to sleep soon. Enough waiting for today. Yeah, I'm waiting every day now, for him. I'm restless and upset, something is ripping and tearing inside me. Not so fun going to sleep like this, but it's 3:47 and I can't stay up waiting for something that won't happen.

Strong reactions

That damn crew, they put away my things so that I can't find them again! Thanks a lot, assholes. I have major anxiety regarding food and eating today, but figured I can fix some chicken and make a simple sandwich with that. After many worries and but's I decided to go for it. It's okay food, lean meat and slow carbs.

But then I couldn't find the olive oil which I never put away. It's always by the stove. Always. Except for now that is. So in frustration after looking in every cabinet in the kitchen without finding it, I had to take butter instead. And oh my gosh, you can't imagine the anxiety over finally deciding for something okay to eat and then you realise you have to add butter!

I hardly even eat sandwiches anymore, cause I don't like them without butter and I don't want to eat them with. Gotta buy more olive oil or question the crew about where they fucking put it. They can't do that, and I'll fucking make sure they won't anymore or I'm not letting them anywhere near my apartment again. I have trust issues and a hell of a lot of paranoia. This really isn't helping.

I wish something could help me feel better, but I don't know what could. I have to get that sandwich done first, and eat it with my anxiety and then maybe I can do something about it. Right now I'm stuck in a downward spiral. Upset because I haven't eaten and upset because I have to eat.

Now I ran to the bathroom to brush my teeth just to get the taste of food out of my mouth. I've never brushed my teeth that hard ever before. Then I put my plate in the kitchen so I wouldn't have to look at it. Don't wanna be reminded by it, by what I've eaten and when and how much. Is this crazy? Cause I can think of a million reasons why this isn't right.

I don't know why I feel this way, why I react the way I do to this. I'm still not even full, just terribly disgusted. I don't know why, it turned out okay. For being the horrible cook I am, it turned out really nice. So why do I feel this way? I don't understand.

Never give up

I felt happy for two months before I started falling apart again. Somehow I wish I had done more to prolong that happiness, but instead I kept isolating myself, starved and disappeared into my computer. But I respect that, I respect that I was afraid to go all out at the risk of losing the little happiness I had instead of gaining more. Because stress is never a good thing when it comes to my mood.

But I haven't lost all hope, I guarantee you. I still hope and dream and almost kinda expect a better future now. Just almost on that last part, but it's better than it used to be before in my life. But I'm falling again, into the old and new dark places. I know I'm not meant to be happy, but I'm trying to beat the odds. I'd rather die trying than give up, you know. But I don't know how or what to do. I need to ask my shrink that, maybe she's got some advice.

Cause just trying not to do things isn't quite working anymore. I don't know why, but I fall into temptation and it's hard when I lose control. So many things upset me, everything from my acne to my inability to be a part of the society and all else in between. And being so easily upset upsets me even more.

It's like maybe my lack of eating habits is finally taking control over me. Being constantly hungry can make anyone upset. It's not the best thing trying to lose weight when you're feeling like shit, but when else am I gonna do it? It's in my state of mind, it is my mind to feel like shit. Whenever, wherever, all the time. I know I take risks by doing so, and I also know it's not recommended to starve at all.

I'm slowly developing an eating disorder and I just sit here and do nothing about it. Cause if I get an eating disorder I will definitely lose weight. And yes, I realise just how wrong that sounds. I'm not stupid, I know I'm taking huge risks by keeping this from my doctors. I keep fooling them, telling them I eat very little and try to lose weight but I don't tell them that I'm desperate to lose weight, obsessed by it, willing to do anything for it. About my very poor body image or that I'm pro-ana.

I play a twisted game with doctors, manipulating and fooling them to believe what I want them to believe. I'm not quite in my right mind. Cause I seek doctors to help me but then I don't let them help me. I've been in this carousel for too long, too long to know how to fool them. That I know they make the priorities about what I should get help for first and I don't like that. So I only tell them about what I want to get help for and keep the rest from them. If I wanted help for my eating problems I would gladly discuss that. If I didn't have to worry about telling them about my psychotic tendencies, I would gladly tell them about that too.

But they are just as much stuck in a rut as I am. They have their guidelines and rules to follow. To them, my self harm and suicidal tendencies come first, and my basic needs like food and sleep come second. Then the psychotic stuff seemed to have come third when I was open about that several years ago. My priorities is everything else. At every damn meeting there is truth I have to withhold, and it completely drains me, trying to figure out what to say in denial. I've had some practise, but I have no idea if I'm a good liar or not. Maybe it depends on who I'm lying to.

Falling back

I just miss him so incredibly much today, I don't know what to do with myself. It hurts so much inside me. I get angry at everything, upset by everything else and sad over the rest. It's like everything is up side down and inside out. I'm freezing, but I was too warm just a minute ago, wearing the same clothes, sitting in the same room.

I'm waiting, but I don't know what for. Don't know why I even bother. It's late and I should go to bed, not skipping my sleeping pills and drinking an energy drink. I can't stop thinking about him, I haven't been able to focus on anything else this week. Not even when I play WoW or try to watch a movie. I just wish that he's thinking about me too. I wonder... he could be.

I'm not well, and I think I'm gonna ask my mother to contact my shrink on Monday. By then I will have had the whole weekend to think of what I should tell her and what to keep to myself. I've hinted that there's more to me that I can't be open about until after this whole trans deal is finished. But I don't think she understood.

I want to be open with her, you see. I don't know if I trust her though. But maybe I don't have to. I know she cares about me. Just that when she skipped a conference just to see me, that really made me realise how important I must be for her. As a patient, of course. I wouldn't want to be more than that.

But I need her. I've never met another shrink like her before. Someone who really listens and cares about me. Who's not overly interested in my self harm and suicidal tendencies, cause obviously there's more to me than that. I've always wanted to see someone who can see the whole of me, my reasons for such acts. Why I hate my life, why I'm such a chaos and why I think I don't have a future. All of that and more.

Things have become both better and worse in just these past two weeks or so. I could tell you why and how, but I don't want to. Everything has just become super intense and I can't really keep up. I just know I need to talk it out with someone in confidence. Now I'm just gonna try to play some more WoW and not do something stupid that I'll regret.

Out of control

I don't want to play WoW, I don't want to do anything. I think I'm shifting again. But what can I do about it when there's nothing I want to do? Should take a walk. Buy a sandwich. Eat it. Smoke some more. Write some more. Maybe draw something, I don't know, anything.

Well, that didn't make me feel better. I'm kinda sad today, though not dark, not yet at least. I worry a lot. About the present and the future. I rarely worry about the future, but now I apparently do. There's something nagging at me, something I can't control, that I can't do anything about. It pains me, that it makes me feel so helpless. I can't control my fears and they are rising.

I wish I could just feel better sometime and not having so much to worry about all the time. All that anxiety that will probably never entirely leave me. And because it keeps changing all the time it's so hard to find a way to deal with it. So many different things causes my anxiety, like it's a life form of its own. And as soon as I think I understand it, then it changes again.

The reasons change. One day I'm having anxiety over one thing and the next day it's something else. It's very confusing. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure if it is anxiety. It could be something else. Despite how it may seem, I can't even define half of all my complicated emotions. They are in control over me, and I'm just desperately trying to tag along wherever they lead me.

Oh, I'm not done yet. I feel so lost, and I realised that much of my pain today is because I miss K. I miss him more than ever before and if I let my guard down I think I would break down and cry. But I don't want to. I'd rather stay strong, trying not to switch to the dark me again and just hold on to the here and now. I'm such an asshole when I'm the dark me and I don't want to be that. That cold and confident, it sickens me. So I resist it as far as I can, even though I know I would feel better if I shift.

*

Suddenly I'm just cold. Defence mechanism activated. One of them many. But this thing, I don't even know if it's new, or that I just realised it very recently. How new can it be? I don't remember shifting like this before. Not with such a clear difference between these two polar opposites, as it is now. Maybe it has just become this way gradually. It's possible, cause I think it yet is to become even worse.

I hope it doesn't turn into something like DID, that wouldn't be good at all. I really hope I won't get that divided. I'm trying to gather all of me and put into one jar, somewhere confided where I can just collect myself and become a whole person again. How many am I now? I don't really know. Am I me and Anna or are we divided and I am light and dark? And the voices I hear, are they me too?

Such a complicated mess and I don't even know half of it. I'm still pondering, wondering if I should come clean to my shrink about this. Still very much hesitating, but I don't want it to get even worse. I fear for my mind, the seams that are ripping, the tear in my soul. I'm breaking apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

How my whole personality just keeps on splintering into smaller parts. All those parts by themselves are easier to handle, but together make a mess out of everything. It's hard to describe, this way of falling to pieces. Like I'm literally falling to pieces and I can't put it back together again. I'm losing control, I'm losing my mind.

This is very confusing. It's like I'm becoming two different people, yet I already am two different people. That my soul got split the first time when I was 9 and the other half of me became Anna. And now what, the half of me that truly is me is also splitting up in two? I don't know who I am anymore, where I end or begin, what is me and what isn't.

And if this is true, what could it mean for my future? If I'm suddenly three people and I shift between two of them, this could just go on forever and I could keep splitting into more personalities. So do I really have Schizophrenia or DID or do I very much unlikely have both? Just bits and pieces of both conditions and I can't figure it out. I'm dissociating as well as hallucinating with delusions. I'm quite a chaos.

This is a very long entry, but I think it is important. I've never written an entry first as the light me then continued writing as I shifted to the dark me. If not else, I need it for some documentation. To see how much I change, if the difference between the two will grow or fade or stay the same over some time. I know I'm thinking far ahead, I'm just worried.

I was playing WoW when I shifted, and I felt it the entire time. It's hard to describe it, but it was a bit like walking into another room. It might not sound very special to you, but believe me, it was quite interesting. Though having Anna constantly bothering me during the process was a bit annoying. It was almost like she was scared of it.

Where I stand

I know I don't put up much of my thoughts regarding the EU selection that is going on a lot right now. I do have an opinion, and I do also know how I'm going to vote. I am not ashamed over my views, I just don't like picking fights or create a lot of reactions. I'm not very educated, and I don't plan to become either. I'm lazy, and politics bore me half to death. I do however put in a comment or two about SD and their shit on other people's statuses on Facebook, but that's it. I do that because I know it's something we agree on, something that won't lead me to be attacked.

I'd rather keep my mouth shut about everything, but I suppose I can't help myself when it comes to that. Cause maybe it feels more important for me to let my friends know for sure that I'm not your enemy, even though that should be self explanatory since I chose to be your friend for a reason.

I don't particularly like discussing politics or reading up on it. I do however, try to understand most of it, the whole picture you know, so that I can form a somewhat reasonable opinion. Does that mean that I shouldn't have a right to vote, because I might make a faulty decision based on how I interpret a specific party's propaganda? I sure hope not. Maybe I am buying some shit, and maybe that's why I hesitate to discuss it. I can't defend my own opinions, but I know my rights.

I live in my own little world, the one that mostly goes on in my fucked up brain and not so much in society/reality. (What is real, anyway?). I'm selfish, a socialist and I only care about the now, the moment of here and today, and not the least about the future or the parts of the world I'm not directly affected by. Besides, I hope for this tragic world to come to an end. I don't think it can ever get better no matter how I vote.

Just let it rest, the world won't fall apart if your favourite party won't win the battle. Did I mention I was selfish? Sometimes stupid as well. I know that it's a sign of weakness when one shies away from expressing one's opinions about something, anything really.

But you know what? It's private. I'm not private about much, but I am private about my political views. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel right to be open about it. I'm okay with discussing it with those that I trust. Sorry if it comes as a shock or something, but I don't even trust half of all my friends. Most of you, to be honest. And I'm not so keen on telling everyone about it. Unless I'm drunk, then I might.

Them

I think I dreamed about K tonight, but I only remember fragments. Small glimpses that I can't really grab. So I don't really remember. I don't always dream about him, despite what you may think. Don't know why, but it could be that I've started feeling safe in my feelings for him, that not much has changed in the past few months. It is change that sparks weird dreams for me.

There's always something though. Like I dreamed about my hair after I had cut it. Sometimes I dream about things I want to do as well. Almost as if they are sending me messages through my dreams as well. Damn it, won't they ever leave me alone? It's not enough sending me messages through social media's and car registration plates then? They're invading my mind now. Don't ask me how they can do that, they're all powerful and shit. "Them"? Who are they, I don't know. Some sort of higher beings. Not gods, I think. Maybe it's the ghosts that haunt me. Who knows what ghosts are capable of...

I think it's reasonable, on a very unrealistic level. Cause of course it would be more realistic that I'm just crazy, but I think it's not so very far off to believe it's ghosts too. But what do they want from me, other than just scare the shit out of me? Maybe they're bored. Or maybe they have a purpose that I just haven't figured out yet. And that's where all the messages come in. It could be.

I haven't been sick long enough to figure out who "they" are and what they want. Cause they showed up just about a year ago. I'm ambivalent, since I do realise they're delusions and hallucinations, yet I see them as real. I just can't decide if they are real or not. Depends on my mood, I guess.

I do get more messages nowadays, but half of them I can't interpret and the other half I forget. Should definitely write them down, why didn't I think of that before? I could have a whole book just for that, but I'll stick to using my paper diary. I don't write much in it anymore, so it's plenty of room for weird messages. They could be important, like answers or guidance.

Still stressing about

Now I'm up so horribly early again. And only got 2 hours of sleep tonight, barely. (7:30 to 9:15). Will probably end up exhausted before the night fall today. These sleeping problems just seem to get worse and I think I know why. Stress related. All that worry and anticipation, anxiety, intensity, mood swings, personality shifts... it's not so strange that I break down.

The foundation crumbles. Food, sleep, drinking (water) and breathing is that foundation. The absolute vital needs for our survival. That foundation, those things, is why I can never become stable. It affects me deeply on many levels, yet I'm not committed enough to do something about it. I do try though.

God damn I try! You should know that. I don't just force myself out bed because it's so fun to watch the sunrise. I don't force feed myself once a day because I like a challenge. I don't forcefully sip water from a glass on my desk every day even though I don't like tasteless water, because it's so fun. I don't take the same route for a walk every damn day because it's so refreshing and jolly.

No, I simply do it in a desperate attempt to stabilise my life situation. Well, and trying to lose weight of course, but even that is related to my well being. To keep a circadian rhythm including some amount of daylight, eat something at least a little every day (it's the hardest cause my ghosts tell me I'm too fat and that I eat too much already even though it's almost nothing by now). I try to drink water because it keeps me hydrated, my mouth less dry (side effect from my medication) and it also makes my headache slightly better. Taking walks to get some oxygen, sunlight and getting in shape. Cause it helps being in a little better shape, in general like that, you know.

It's all just necessities. I hate eating, sleeping, drinking, exercising and all else that is that foundation everyone need in their life to be able to have a stable life. I experience a lot symptoms of being unhealthy because of this. I get dehydrated, grumpy, depressed, feel constantly weak and aching everywhere. I can't build much at all on that foundation without it falling apart. I's like trying to build a castle on a swamp.

Oh by the way, I told the crew just as they woke me up, that I want to change to another contact person. A little embarrassing since the person who woke me up happen to be my secondary contact person (didn't know I even had an extra). Lol, I even told her that I wouldn't mind having her as my contact person. But it's the main one that I dislike, so her suggestion was that they swap priorities or what to say. That number one becomes number two and vice versa. I said I'll try it out.

Hepp, got a new appointment with yet another person in health care purposes, who's name I've never heard of before. They called me sometime yesterday but it ended up in voice mail. I listened to the message several times but just couldn't figure out who she was and why I didn't know that we had an appointment. Got an invitation today for the meeting she said she couldn't attend too. But at least now I have a name and a number. Giving that to my mother to investigate what's going on.

All those people! Where do they come from and what do they want? Yeah, let's just throw some more care takers at mentally disabled John, the more the merrier! It makes me wonder. I want to become more independent, not more taken care of as if I was a baby by complete strangers who has it as their job to deal with my lack of skills in how to live my life. Getting tired of this now.

With my heart on the edge

I still miss him, but I don't know what to say here. If I start writing about him and what's been up, he'll definitely know it's him if he reads this. If he doesn't already know, that is. But yeah, I'd say things are going in the right direction now.

I don't even know why I'm so scared of him possibly finding out that it's him, but I think it's because I want him to know for sure first, that I tell him face to face. And not for him to read this and think "oh shit, it's me" and then possibly never talk to me again.

It's become complicated for me to figure how just how much I wanna share with the world. But I don't want to leave it out entirely. Does that make any sort of sense? That I'll just give you vague hints that something new is up but I don't want to say what it is. Sorry for that.

Well, I want you to know but at the same time I don't. I'm not making any sense, I'm tipsy and a bit ecstatic. For the first time ever, I notice something has changed for the positive in all this. It gets my hopes up.

I'm so curious about him, it's like I wanna know everything. Usually I'm all about talking about myself, but now it's more like I wanna talk about him, with him, instead. Make him the centre of attention instead of myself. He's such an inspiration to me. Like I take tips and advice from him, wanna look like him, do what he does and so on. Trying not to get triggered by the not so good things he does and feels. But I'm easily triggered by anything these days.

All of this is a bit weird for me. This new kind of way I feel love for him. That I've never loved anyone else like this before. He's so fucking awesome, I don't know what kind of magic he uses on me! Seriously, this is insane, what I'm feeling. So incredibly strong, so crude and almost unnatural. Unnatural, because how is it even possible that I love him so much?

I wish I could fall in love the way normal people do. How is that exactly? I don't know. Maybe I just want it to be mutual. I want what you see in movies; where you meet and hit off, then one thing leads to another and you slowly develop stronger feelings for one another until you one day say "I love you". I want that. I crave it so much it hurts sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I could fall out of love with K so that I could start over. Get to know him, see if there's any interest back and then fall in love again if there is a spark. Does that sound weird? Cause I don't want to be with or love anyone else. No matter how likeable another person I come across may be. No matter if a wonderful person suddenly would come into my life and be interested in me.

I've made my choice, but alas, I can't control my crazy heart. No matter how much I'd like to. I want to tell it that it cannot ever love anyone else, tell it that this is enough, enough heartbreaks and enough pain.

The ghosts in my mind

I'm feeling misplaced. Like I'm supposed to be somewhere I can't remember, like I'm supposed to do something, be something that I cannot become, have something I cannot retrieve. I feel so lost. Wandering, echoing like a shadow in the distance. Floating, detached, lonely. I don't feel like myself at all. Where am I? Who am I?

How much better am I really? I can't tell what's real anymore, I still can't differ dream from reality, am I dreaming? Maybe it's not my dreams that are so real, but my reality that is so dream-like. I can't put my feet down, it's like I can't feel the earth no matter how far down I try to reach. Do you ever get that feeling, like you're so detached you've forgotten how to re-attach yourself?

I wonder. Am I happy somewhere inside, am I really gonna give life a chance? Yes, to the latter. But I don't know how. I know what I need to do but I just can't. Can't, can't, can't, can't. I'm so scared I don't know what I should do. What would be right, should I try to hold on without help? I can't keep this up much longer. If I don't act, I'm afraid I'll fall apart again.

But that's the thing: I know I have to fall apart again, really hard, for the doctors to take me seriously, for them to understand how fucking serious this is. And I'm depending on their understanding, I always have been. I'm depending on their opinion because how else are they gonna help me? But I'm afraid it will be too late by then.

That I know I will need to stress myself enough to trigger a psychotic episode, get into the emergency psychiatric ward again and then get some sort of diagnosis and help. It's a sick world we live in, believe me, but I do know the psychiatric system pretty well by now. I've been involved in it for ten years after all. I know that is the only way, to let them see it with their own eyes.

When that day comes, whenever that will be. I have a sensation that it will be sooner than I can wait. I don't think I'll die from it though. No, what I fear is worse than death. Death would be freeing, a solution to an endless problem. What I fear is imprisonment in my own mind. That I will make it worse by not getting any treatment for it. It started already about a year ago, (not counting in Anna) and though I have been feeling fine in longer periods of time, it has struck me out of the blue several times and I just had to pretend it was just anxiety, worry, too many "thoughts" (yes, read voices) and that my actions were self harm alone.

Cause it wasn't, you know. I have come to my doctor saying I have anxiety when I was delusional and fearful of things that weren't there. I have harmed myself to get rid off bugs crawling under my skin, worms in my eyes and mysterious tingling feelings allover my body. I told people that my head was filled with more thoughts than usual when it was voices I was hearing. Even in a meeting I had to bite my lips hard to not scream at the voices to shut the fuck up because I couldn't hear what my doctor was saying.

Desperately popping more pills in an attempt to control all those things, thinking more anxiolytics could control my fear of the scary unknown territory of my own mind. My head hurts like hell, I can't stop chain smoking and I just took some Zyprexa. But does it help? Well, it does sometimes, for a little while. Zyprexa is also an antipsychotic medication, I can't do much else than hoping it has some effect on my ghosts. Shit, I really need to get to a doctor... hopefully I can hold on until June, it's not so long after all, just a few weeks...

The darker half

I had a meeting with that welfare officer again today, and I was pretty blunt with her. She noticed my personality change and said I was different this time. I don't know what to think of that, didn't think it was actually that noticeable.

Anyway, I finally asked her why we're having these meetings, what's her role in this whole deal. She said my doctor (who left me) wanted me to have someone to check up on me meanwhile I'm waiting for another doctor. Especially regarding self harm and suicidal thoughts. She got worried, that welfare officer, that I wasn't gonna see my shrink until August again. I told her I could just get in contact with my shrink whenever if I needed her. She still didn't want to let go of me.

Fucking cunt, I despise her. I don't need more people who think they need to look after me. My whole life is care takers and shrinks and doctors and I'm so sick of it. So sick of being treated like I'm a fragile little glass doll. I might not be able to take care of myself, but I'm very capable of making my own decisions.

I'm on a waiting list to see my new doctor, which will probably be sometime in June. I really need to see her, cause I think I need to up my Abilify, but don't know how to handle that. I need it for my psychotic tendencies, but I can't mention that. Seriously, I'm shifting personalities and seeing signs and messages everywhere. I'm on the brink again and I really don't want to fall down into that black abyss again.

So I don't know how to handle that. I finally succeeded to get antipsychotic drugs, but they're not doing shit and I can't tell doctors that I'm psychotic. Someone please kill me now... I don't know how much longer I can handle this on my own.

Shit, I'm still the dark me and I can't shift back. What if one day I get stuck like this? If I one day can never shift back? I realise that when I was reckless and didn't care about anyone, when I had thoughts of cannibalism and murder with sociopathic tendencies, when I was cold and heartless: I was the dark me. I don't want to fully become that. It scares me. Maybe I have no reason to worry, but it still scares me.

Even if I don't need to worry, I still believe there is a small chance of that to happen. I've heard about it before, in other people's cases. So I have heard about it before then? Not necessarily personality shifts as such, but of people who have been through traumas that they start to shut down eventually, gradually, until they're not themselves anymore. I'm afraid of that happening to me.

I'm just making it worse by not doing anything about it. I'm getting desperate. I'm not even sure that antipsychotic drugs can help me with that. I need to talk it out with my shrink, but first I need to survive the summer and the autumn and possibly the winter as well. Yeesh, things are going so damn slow and I'm falling so fast.

I really hoped I could meet them in Huddinge and fill out the papers for Rättsliga Rådet already this summer, but of course they're all on leave/vacation. I really hoped I could get my gender reassigned before the autumn, but no. And then things will take even longer after that. I have don't have all the time in the world, okay? Don't think they realise that, cause I won't tell them why. Just hurry the fuck up you fuckers, I don't wanna be stuck like this forever.

Hell is living without you

This joyride cannot last if I can't find a way to hold on to it. It's been two months and all I do is sit on my ass cause I'm afraid I'll break down again if I got up. And I don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid that I might not want anything at all. There's the war in my heart as well, that as long as my only wish is to be with K it's not gonna be easy to find something else to aim for, if you know what I mean.

I've been in this situation before, when all I see is that one person and they are my whole world. Blinded, so totally blinded by love for someone who is or might as well be unobtainable. If only I lived closer, then it would be easier. Even if he isn't interested, it would be easier still. Easier to meet, to talk and to know where things are going.

This is more like an internet crush, just that "crush" isn't exactly the right word for how I feel. But living so far away, it's not like I'm in love with someone I can just meet to hang out with on a Wednesday afternoon for a chat and a coffee or whatever. We can't even meet up as friends, class mates or colleagues, go partying together or just pass each other by on a street on our separate ways to somewhere.

I'm locked inside my computer. Cause no matter where he is, I know he always comes back online and there is where I am. And there I always am, staring at his pictures, waiting, hoping, dreaming, longing. I can never be further, I can never be closer.

So how much of a chance could I really have? My dream would be a long distance relationship, or that I could move in with him or he moves in with me. Probably that I would move in with him, since I don't really have any connections here on Gotland, but then he would have to take care of me cause I'm in need of LSS and that crap which I won't be likely to get in Stockholm over night. I've always wanted to live in Stockholm, by the way. The big city where everything happens. Where he is.

Yes, I've thought about that too. But my dream is killing me. I don't like dreaming, I hate dreaming, cause the dreams never come true. They are just painful, haunting me like a cruel joke. It's a curse, dreaming. I learned that from early on, that dreams can only be shattered, but I can't stop. I love him so damn much it's just not true, how can it be? I don't even know him that well. I don't understand my complicated heart, it just does whatever it wants and it always gets me into trouble. But I would do anything to be with him, anything.

I would leave this wonderful apartment that I can almost call my home in a heartbeat, I would stop being a Satanist, I would spend all the money I have, I would move to another country or I would even quit smoking for good. I'm not just throwing around those words, I know what they mean, I know what I mean. How much he means to me. He is my world.

I just remembered, that when I started to fall for him last spring, and knew I couldn't resist anymore. The thoughts of him steadily increased and after several tries of not falling in love with him I asked myself: wouldn't life be a little better if I was in love?

Split in black and white

My mind is never at peace. Am I a humanised demon, or a demonised human? Does it matter? I've always felt a bit like the super heroes who have a darker identity that they sort of switch to at certain points, when something triggers them. I'm not saying I feel like a super hero, rather quite far from it. But it's like I'm two people sometimes, and even though pain and madness drives me to the darker me I like him better.

Hard to say why, cause that me isn't much stronger or wiser or anything really. Just different. Braver, perhaps. More confident, selfish and solitary. The other me is bright, more fun and easy going. Insecure, kinder and more social. Isn't that rather schizo though? I don't know, I haven't really come across this phenomena before. I will do some digging in that area, but I doubt I'll find anything useful though.

I've always been split between black and white, and now I see why. I am both, but not at the same time. It's not like I have alter egos, they're both me. Just that one side enhances the dark and the other enhances the light. But since the darker is only present when triggered, that could be a clue of something. That it is developed, not something I was born with. Doesn't make it any less real though, but I think I've just been through too much damn darkness, like what the fuck is happening to me?!

I'm split in so many ways it's getting hard to keep up with everything. First there's me and my body, an eternal war to be honest. Secondly there's me and Anna, which can also be a war sometimes but mostly we're like siblings. Siamese twins that never got our own separate bodies. I don't morph into her, I don't become her, we're like two different people entirely. And then there's this. Where I see myself as two sides of a coin, one dark and one light. Not as in negative and positive, think more like night and day.

I've been trying to describe this like a gazillion times before, but I think I nailed it now. I'm the dark side of me now, can you tell? Triggered by my past and my worries about K, I just sort of morphed. I don't know how that happens, suddenly I'm just there.

This isn't new, I've just not been able to describe it before. I've tried. I've tried so hard for probably about twelve years or more. How the usual me can change into something else. Most people only see that me, as to why I refer to as the "usual", and I suppose there isn't that much difference between them both.

The difference has increased though. I dress differently depending on which one I am. I wear light colours, like a white shirt and blue jeans if I'm the light me. And vice versa I wear darker colours like a blood red shirt with black pants if I'm the dark me. It affects my mood more lately. I don't think either side is more prone to psychosis, though I'm not sure yet. I'll make a thorough study on that later.

I think this is another defence mechanism. I have so many of those just to able to survive my own life. I don't think my life sucked quite that hard, I mean there are loads of people who have had a much worse life without becoming Schizophrenic or whatever the fuck I am. PTSD drew me to madness, is quite safe to say. I'm not very sane at all, though I might seem that way to other people. I can't help but thinking it's not so strange since my chaos is more or less locked inside my brain. And it just becomes worse.

Or does it? I'm seeing clearer all the time, especially since about a year ago. Damn my vision has expanded more than I could handle. Literally more than I could handle. But what does this mean? Like I suddenly understand exactly why I dyed half my hair black and bleached the other half blonde on and off for so many years before. But everyone just said that I looked like Berny Pålsson so I suppose that's why I stopped having my hair that way eventually, even though the first time I had it was before I had even heard of her. When I first saw a picture of her at 17 it was like looking into a mirror. I was both allured and creeped out.

This also explains why I want all my tattoos and piercings on one half of my body but not the other. It explains why I'm drawn to black and white patterns, why I sometimes do my make up differently on either side of my face and so on. It explains my ambivalence too. Damn, it explains a lot. I'm split in two.

Open doors

I finally brought it up with my psychologist. That I wanna talk about my traumas. Only took me about eight months to muster that... I lightly (well, maybe not so lightly) write about some of those ordeals, what I'm okay with sharing, but it's a whole different thing talking about it face to face with someone. Especially when I'm sober. I might even tell her not only about what I've been put through by others (which I have shared here and in real life) but also about what I've done to other people.

I'm not such an innocent little flower, you know. Or well, I don't know what got into me exactly at those times when those things happened. Probably must have completely lost my mind for a day or two. I still don't know why I did what I did, it's beyond me. I'm kind and caring and would never harm another living creature on purpose, would I? Except that I have.

And I can't wrap my head around that. Maybe there is evil somewhere inside all of us, just that I happened to be one of those who acted out on it. There's so much I don't understand about myself, but those things... I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me when I think about it.

Maybe I shouldn't, you know, think about it. If it pains me so much and I just get nowhere when I'm trying to sort it out. I just entangle myself in it and the problem only grows bigger. The problem that I can't accept myself for the awful things I have done, and I wouldn't accept anyone else for having done the same things either. There was a time when I thought "those people" should be locked up in prison, or even be executed. Would that justify a suicide? I don't know.

But I wouldn't wanna kill myself as an excuse to society, and those I've hurt by my deeds would only become devastated if I die. That is a problem. I suppose you're figuring out that it's someone I'm still in contact with, someone who knows me. Then you're right, but I won't say more than that. There's only two people by the way, that I hurt, if that's of any consolation at all. Better than three or five or ten, I mean. Though I'm not diminishing it.

I don't want to kill myself, and especially not for something that happened several years ago. I've had reasons, millions of reasons for suicide, but this has never been it. Is that wrong of me, thinking that I don't deserve to die, but that I have in my past thought that people who have done the same things rightfully deserved to die?

I mean look a society. We have a criminal justice system, and the state or something decides who should be locked up or not. I was too young for my first deed but had I been older and gotten reported I would most likely have ended up in prison or a likewise place depending on age. But then my gender would also likely have been confusing so you never know. Cause "girls don't do that" kinda crap, not that I was a girl, but you get it. There are certain things you wouldn't accuse a girl of doing. All I know is that most sane people don't want creeps who have done such things walking around on the streets. I could do it again, right?

Isn't that what the criminal justice system is made for, to stop criminals from acting out again? I can safely say that I will never ever lose my mind like that and do something like that again. Ever. But the thing is that I have already done it and once things are done they cannot be undone. I would if I could though. Oh, I so definitely would undo it if I could...

But back to where I was going with this. I'm very divided around the subject of right and wrong because of this. Cause if I would firmly stand by my words I would go against my own deeds, if that makes any sense. My sense of right and wrong is colliding. I'm the kid in a candy store telling everyone it's wrong to steal but still has stolen candy before in that store. But now we're talking much worse things than stealing candy. Very hush hush.

It's the only things I have never ever told anyone about. That's why I'm so nervous and hesitating to tell my shrink. I don't even know if I should. Things could get worse, if she decides she needs to "save" or whatever, the persons I hurt, then it could get really complicated. Really, really complicated. Of course I'll ask her if there's any chance she would do that first. Really push it out of her if I have to, cause I just can't take that risk. It would mess things up not only for me, so I'm not completely selfish.

I know of only one other person I would possibly tell, and that would be K, if he wanted to know that is. Cause that is how much I trust him, even though I don't know him so well. Though I bet you're all dying to know what horrible crimes I've committed. Or maybe you just want me to shut the fuck up about it already. But here it is. Maybe I am revealing more about it each time, I don't know. It's like it's trying to claw its way out of me, like a crazy bird or something. I have to force myself to shut up.




Maybe why I'm always so open... what if it's compulsive? That I'm sort of forcing myself to the brink, constantly pushing it a little bit further each time. Until literally my whole life is on display. No, I won't include those things in my autobiography. I'll leave a hint in the end of the chapter about when I was in 1st to 3rd grade, but I'll also say that it's not just my story to tell. I'm still trying to control myself as much as I can. I re-read and edit all of my posts and I ask myself, "would I be okay with everyone reading this?" before I decide if I should post it. I think that's it for now. Just needed to vent a bit.

Belonging

I think I just figured out why I like psychiatric wards so much. Yes, I do like them, even though I don't like being locked up. It's because it's the only place among other people, strangers, that I feel some sense of belonging. Like minded people with histories equally painful as mine, a world of doctors and medication, like mine. I feel right at home there. Not so strange I have trouble letting go when I am to leave such a place after having spent some time there.

It might not be the safest place, but it sure is safer than most places. It's annoying with all the rules and of course being locked up isn't so fun, but all the rest is kinda neat for me. All I did was listening to "Somewhere I belong" by Linkin Park (yes, I like that rap/metal/neo-metal band that everyone else seem to hate) to realise that. I've always kinda thought about the psychiatry when hearing that song, or maybe it was another one, but that's not the point.

I might not truly belong in such places, especially not now when I'm feeling much better, it's just a feeling of comfort really. Maybe I just like to be taken care of, or that I always manage to meet friends in such places. The only exception was the first time with BUP*. Though in that place I hit off with a person from the staff instead. Can't even remember his name now. I think he wasn't Swedish and spoke with an accent. Oh well, can't expect me to remember everything.


*Psychiatry department for children and under-age people.

Polite

Just went to the grocery store to buy some food and on my way back home I met a guy that I've seen at the daily activity centre before. He's totally bonkers and just won't leave me alone. He kinda creeps me out a bit too. I saw him before by the gym a few days ago. Today he wanted a cigarette and 10 kr and I just couldn't say no. I know what it's like to be so broke that you have to ask people for money, and I didn't think that was so much of a fuzz.

So I was polite and gave him that. But now he'll probably never leave me alone, cause he thinks I'm kind or a friend or something. Most people aren't very kind or even polite to crazy people. Those who have it hard to just get by, the society looks down on them. I just see them for what they are: human beings, just like everyone else. And if any, I belong with them.

Though everyone likes me. I'm not saying that as an ego boost or something, I'm just saying it cause no one in their right mind has ever been mean to me. I'm polite in all situations and I treat everyone with respect. I even politely tell people to fuck off sometimes when I can't stand them. I want to be more rude, cause I don't want to be friends with or even chat with everyone I ever meet.

When did people start confusing politeness with kindness? That's just sad, that people think I want to be their friend when I'm just being too polite to tell them to fuck off. That's just fucking sad.

Feeling a bit better again

Already up at 9:44 and feeling better than yesterday. As long as I don't think about it too deeply. I'm glad I could go to sleep even though I felt like crap. Sometimes sleep is the best solution, even if it isn't the answer.

So what am I gonna do today? Except the obvious like playing WoW and keeping myself updated online constantly. I need to go shopping in the shopping centre. Slightly more to north though. For all the things I need. Gonna have to wait until after my next "pay check" before I go hunting for buttons again though. It's just 9 days until then. I'm starting to get broke. I've online shopped for 700 kr and my mother has given me things that I'll have to pay a bit for myself too. I'm smoking more than usually which tends to get more expensive than I think it does. It's so damn expensive to smoke and I spend around 2.000 kr every month on cigarettes.

On the other hand I probably only spend a few hundred on food each month, instead of the one or two thousand most people spend on such stuff. Around 10-15 kr a day would be a rough estimation, counting in that some days I don't eat at all. But enough about economy.

For the first time in over a month I didn't wash my face yesterday before I went to bed. Well, technically it was this morning, but let's not get technical. I thought to myself that "what difference does it make anyway, my face looks just a horrible as it did before I started caring for it".

Gotta find another way, cause apparently the salicylic acid doesn't work on my acne. There is another kind of formula said to work too, but I can't recall what it was called. Well, easy to find the source in which I found out about it through some swift googling.

Even skipped my daily walk yesterday. I wanted a day off from everything including that. Now I'm so out of everything on my shopping list and I feel bad for missing that walk. Gonna go to the gym tomorrow again which makes it my fourth time there.

Now I'm gonna see if my character is still alive and well in WoW. Officially exalted with all the quest hub factions in Pandaria now and since long maxed all four of the primary professions including all six ways of cooking. That was shit ass hard to achieve and took me almost a month. I've maxed out the two secondary professions mining and jewelcrafting which also took me a very long time. All of this has taken over five months since I hit level 90 sometime in January.

I'm running out of things to do, so I keep making the extremily expensive panther mounts. Next up is the black one, which is the most expensive of them all because it requires me to make the other four panthers as material for it. Around a hundred thousand gold, that is. Don't know if I'll make the yellow and green one separately, I'm not so fond of those colours to be honest. I now have the blue and the red ones. Yes, I finally made the red one.

Worked on making the blue one super intensively and it took two weeks. Didn't restrain myself much at all making the red one, which took me two months. So if I'm gonna go for the black one without restraining myself it would take (wait for it...) 8 months. That's insane. It would mean I wouldn't be able to finish it until January next year.

Good luck gold farming... if only I could think of a faster way to earn gold, but I can't, except from farming shitloads of ghost iron ores to sell and questing intensively at all Pandaria quest hubs I can find. Without making too much effort I gain around a thousand gold in one day or less, and if I work my ass off for it, I can get up to four thousand in one day. Then I'll have something to do with my main character from here on. Be right on to that now...

That worry

Oh my god, I'm so worried right now. He seems to have someone on his mind, someone that he likes, but I don't know who it could possibly be. Please don't fall in love with someone else, please don't enter a new relationship that I'm not a part of, please don't leave me like this...

I don't even know if I have a chance anymore. Maybe I never did. But why? Why do I keep falling for unobtainable people? I cannot fall for the few who have fallen for me (I can count to two, maybe three in my whole life, I'm really not very loveable) and I end up miserable I always do in the end.

Why is this always happening? Can it ever be us? If I just hold on a little longer, just a little longer. Or act now, right fucking now in a desperate attempt to make him realise what he might lose if he goes to someone else. Oh god, I can't do that to him. I don't want to give him guilt because I can't handle my fucking feelings for him.

I'm just ranting, it's like I can't breathe right but I do. I can't think straight. Could it be me, could it even? Is it even remotely possible? I live so far away and we've only really met once. I'm an internet friend and that's probably all he knows. He probably doesn't know that I'm constantly blogging about him, that he's constantly on my mind and I can't live without him.

What would he think if he knew? Cause what if he does. What if he does and the only reason he hasn't come forward is to not hurt my feelings cause he doesn't feel the same way? I've thought about that before, but I still can't wrap my head around it.

I'm so scared of losing him, even though I know that he's not mine to lose. I can't imagine the pain if he someday soon shows up to be in a relationship with someone knew, before we meet again. What would I say when we meet then? Would it just be a total disaster or won't I even be able to tell him? Would I even be able to tell him?

Why can't I frigging plan around it, prepare myself for the worst. I've never been very good at that, cause somehow the worst I can imagine still isn't as bad as the outcome. I sense that I lack some imagination in that area. So what will I do then? Calm down, one thing at a time, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Fucking shit, I have another sleepless night ahead of me. Not again! I'm tired of that crap too and all I want to do is to sleep my pain away and wake up rested and peaceful. But I never do. Not after nights like this.

Please, can someone tell me what to do? I can't really stand this much longer. I can't ask him who it is. If he had wanted me or anyone else to know he wouldn't be so secretive about it. It's killing me but I have to respect that. I just have to.

Somehow I need to put this to rest, or at least try to take it as it comes. I can't keep thinking about it, worrying about it. It will only tear me to pieces. Unrecognisable pieces and I don't think I'll ever be able to repair myself again. That much is my happiness worth right now. It's very fragile and something like this would shatter it in a heartbeat and forever break my heart.

An eventless day

Dreamt that I drew a fantastic looking glass lamp with silver details and shadow play and everything. It was truly amazing. Drawing glass is very hard, but I might give it a try. I won't do anything today that requires going outside or to another place. I won't even go to the grocery store, even though I need to.

Apparently smoking is not bad for my skin, or it won't increase my acne at least. Rather it might help reducing it. I love it when people can be honest about the positive stuff about smoking and not just focus on the negative. Cause it's not all just negative, you know. As with much else.

I'm listening to "Friday I'm in love" by the Cure again. Because it's Friday, and I'm in love. (Well, it was Friday, when I wrote this.) It makes me focus on the positive about loving K. Cause it's not all sunshine, you know. It can hurt like hell too. The positive is when the butterflies in my chest flutter instead of ripping holes inside me. When I think of how awesome he is, what we could maybe have one day. Lol, at first I misspelled butterflies to "bitter lies". Wonder what that's supposed to mean...

I think about his smile, the way exactly how he looked like when we met in person so many months ago now. I've changed, he's changed. But there are some things that hasn't changed since then and things that never will. I hold on to that. Cause I wouldn't survive if it wasn't a positive side to it as well.

I wonder how I'm gonna vote for the EU selection on the 25th. I don't know exactly where to go, or if any of my family members care to vote. I don't particularly give a crap, but I know I would regret it if I don't vote. I never have before, since I missed the big election in 2010 by two minutes. Seriously. The feeling of utter failure stuck with me for weeks after that. So I just won't put up with that again.

I can't seem to get pleased with what I write today, nothing is interesting enough to post here, for some reason. Can't think of a better way to end this entry. Wish I could though.

Won't stop obsessing

Saw my shrink at around noon/early afternoon today and could tell her that I'm still feeling better and about some of the positive stuff that's been going on in my life lately. Though we didn't mention K, for some reason. I could have told her that I'm gonna meet him in July and that I'm gonna tell him how I feel for him when we meet up.

Cause it could have been worth saying that I'm still madly in love with him after 11 months (in late June it will be a whole year) and I've never been in love with someone for this long ever before. Been infatuated with, had a crush on or liked someone for longer periods of time, but not like this.

This is different from the guy I met through my karate lessons whom I had a crush on for three years, and it's different from the science teacher I was infatuated with for five years, simultaneously and over lapping as/with the previous. My first real boyfriend I was in love with for about five or six months, maybe a bit longer but not as intensively as how I love K. I was almost as deeply in love with Tomb, but only for about six or seven months.

That never came to me before, that realisation. That I've broken another record in love again. I keep doing that, for some reason, without intending to. Because no matter how intense, heart breaking, and for how long, it still can and do always increase.

Yes, my love for K truly is special. K truly is special to me. He's so beyond amazing I just can't control myself. Not anymore. May I come off as a creep, I don't care. I just know somewhere in my heart that he doesn't mind. He must have noticed that I'm always there, replying to his posts online, liking and reblogging faster and more than ever. Almost everything. Cause I don't give a fuck about my creepiness factor anymore. And how creepy can loving someone be?

Nah, I don't really think that creepy is the right word for what I am. Creepy would be invading his personal life, showing up at his doorstep or calling him constantly, acting as if I'm already in a relationship with him and so on. Creepy would be being a stalker.

I'm a small time internet stalker but all I want is to be near him, to offer comfort, guidance, inspiration, support, show him that I care about him. That I'm not afraid of his chaos, not repulsed by his darkness, that I feel such a strong connection with him because we're a bit alike. That I accept and love him for who he is, no matter what. That isn't creepy; that is sweet, kind and a little obsessive. Or do you not agree with me? Cause it's okay if you don't.

I honestly have hard time trying to define which side of the thin line I'm standing on. Is it sweet or creepy? Caring or stalking? Unconditional or obsessive love? I've become more daring, more safe in my own emotions. I might even tell you who K is someday. But first he must know. And secondly he has to be comfortable with me talking about him openly, which I of course would never demand from him to do. It's not that important, so if he wants to remain anonymous on my blog I would be totally comfortable with that.

Then today I've also had a few indirect conversations with K. Yes, even that can lift up my day tremendously. Indirect? Don't ask, it's one of my ways to not expose him. Sometimes if I write too much I end up regretting it and that's not good, since once it's posted it can end up basically anywhere online and in a lot of (or just a few) people's minds. And believe me, that's the last thing I want. So, better safe than sorry.

To make a shit ass long entry only about K, like why not? He is after all constantly on my mind, and a little more constantly today especially. Oh my god, I've totally miscalculated for how long I've loved him! The first picture of him that I've saved on my computer I saved May 31st last year. That is a clear sign and I think I'm gonna make it my own sad anniversary or something. Then it's just a few more weeks until it's been a whole year! My goodness, what ever happened there...

I didn't write anything about him in my diary at the time when I fell for him, cause I didn't want to. It wasn't until late July that I started writing about him. That's why it's so hard to pin-point exactly when I got lost head over heals. There was so much else going on in my life back then.

But yeah, I'm still worried about him alright. Afraid that he might fall in love with someone else. Afraid he might be a bit too much like me, in areas I'm not prepared to discuss here. But of course that doesn't make me any less interested in him, it rather makes me want to crawl up close to him and hold him forever and promise him that I will never ever leave and that I'll help him through his chaos as much as I possibly can. I want to protect him and help. But I don't know how. I don't even know if he would appreciate what I can give.

And then there is my romantical frustration. That sometimes it's so painful that I can't be near him. That he's not sitting or standing right next to me, holding me, kissing my forehead. When I crave holding his hand, going to sleep spooning, touching his hair, feel it gently touch my face. Having him that close with such intimacy that makes the air vibrate and the whole world around us to disappear. I crave mutual affection, closeness and simply his presence.

I miss him so much that sometimes I can't stand being so very far away from him. Like I can't live without him. Yes, tonight is such a time. I think maybe you already figured that out though, like 300 words ago. I look forward to meeting him in real life again so much that it actually hurts, physically. I'm desperately taking more Imovane and hope for some peace of mind and deep sleep. Too tired to continue writing.

And I'll keep trying

Oh, noodles! It's been over 40 hours since I last ate something and damn one appreciates food like never before after fasting. Even I do. Though with all the cream I add in it there's quite much calories, so I can't eat anything else today. I'm trying to stay under 500 kcal a day. It is very little, but trust me, I know my body too damn well, and as I'm trying to lose weight I have to eat very little.

I don't want to give up on piercings. Just saying I want to try to get some again. I've wanted septum for some time (maybe a few years) but since I'm blowing my nose constantly I doubt it's gonna work cause it would be nearly impossible to keep it clean for it to heal. Giving up on my eyebrow though. It's a superficial piercing and my body hated it from the time I got it in 2010 up until I took it out for the surgery in March. No, can't get it back in again, I tried.

So I'm thinking about getting a new centre labret again. Second time. Take better care of it this time. I might do it when I get to the main country, since there are no good piercing studios here on Gotland. And I need to go behind my mother's back again... But I want to have something in my nose as well, so that I can wear a chain going from my ear. They look so cool, and I've always wanted that too.

Just got back from the gym. I'm still not used to going there, I'm a bit edgy and nervous. Especially when passing through the men's locker room. No doubt about it, that's where I belong, but my insecurity shines like the sun. So anyway, I had been on the bike for 20 minutes (burned 97 calories) and really needed some water. I didn't bring my own bottle so I thought I'd just use the tap in the locker room. But then there was this big guy just standing there and I was like "eeek just gonna have some water oki bye bye". I didn't say that of course, but I must have looked absolutely frightened.

My mind started wandering again and again I can't stop thinking about K. I tried though, thought I must write about something else, finish this blog entry without mentioning K, but who am I trying to fool? Of course I had to mention him again. I'm really spell bound by him right now. Like, what's he doing to me? No I know that it's not actually him doing something to make me feel that way, or at least I don't think so. If it is, then I won't complain at all!