Fears and worries

There might be another reason for why I'm so against non-binary identities, which is that I feel threatened by that phenomena, and what becomes of its popularity. And I tend to react violently towards what or who I feel threatened by. I'm just spinning more on some previous thoughts, as I haven't really been able to let go of this topic. I have gotten the feeling that the more non-binary identities become established in society, the more people in general don't take transsexuals seriously. That suddenly gender is a performance, a social construction, something that essentially doesn't matter. That that's how the general population sees it.

So then my maleness isn't even considered real and transsexuals get lumped together with those who claim to be non-binary. And the idea that gender is a choice also hints that being transsexual is a choice too. It makes me go all defense and offense in attempts to protect my own validity. All my freaking life I've been fighting to be taken seriously, and for a brief moment in history transsexuals were almost considered real and okay in society, until the non-binary wave hit the fan. It scares me, what will become of the majority of people's opinions and views on transsexuals over time as non-binary gets all the more established.

I'm also worried about being mistaken for non-binary myself. I remember that during the early stages of my transition a lot of other people saw me as some kind of third gender, a neither male nor female kind of person. Some even thought it was a compliment when they referred to me as something gender neutral but it felt just as wrong to me as being referred to as female. And now it seems one has to be super masculine and male-looking to be considered actually male according to how people view non-binary identities. That the slightest bit of femininity would somehow make me something other than male, or both male and female. And I don't want to be/look 100% masculine to avoid being misgendered based on people's ill-placed assumptions.

So, what I'm trying to say is that how other people choose to identify or not really doesn't matter much at all to me, but the impact it has on society, that matters to me. I feel threatened by the phenomena of non-binary identities because of how society reacts to it, how it interprets it, and how I as a binary transsexual may suffer from the consequences of living in that changing society. So I defend myself, foolishly, carelessly. Jump aboard the "truscum" -train and the anti-sjw train in desperation. I know I'm most likely not thinking clearly about my stand point, it becomes an emotional attack to not fall victim myself.

However, if society had reacted differently to non-binary stuff, and if sjw's hadn't been a thing often combined with it, I don't think I would have reacted quite so badly myself. What bothers me the most about the whole concept, is that most people see non-binary people as crazy and attention-seeking people, and they lump them together with binary trans people, as if we were all the same. I've got a huge thorn in my side about that. Now I'm sure not all non-binary people are like that and it's never been my opinion that they would be, but that's not my point.

Of course the best would be if we could all just live side by side and not fight about who belongs into which category, but humans do have a tendency to categorise everyone and everything and sometimes they can do immense damage by doing so without meaning to. I do not know of a solution, and not would it matter if I did. But as far as I'm concerned, it's the sjw non-binary people and their impact on society that I'm against, not actually the non-binary concept in and of itself. Although I still don't understand it. However, my opinions on the sjw's have coloured my opinions on the non-binary concept with or without the sjw bullshit wrapped around it, because it seems most people who are non-binary also are sjw's. But not all of them, and I try my best to keep reminding myself of that, but I keep forgetting it as my own fears and worries rise within me.

I've been thinking of changing my name again. Or rather just add a new first name onto the pile of names I already have, however I might want to remove Eli, but that's not so overly important. I've never felt like John is a suitable or very interesting name for me. I took it mostly cause it was the best I could come up with at the time, and because I back then wanted a neutral "no-name" -name, something non-personal. And now I want something that is personal, interesting and more rare. I would want to change it to Lamont instead, or rather keep John as a middle name then, and add Lamont as a new first name.

I will think about it quite some more first though, before making impulsive decisions about it. Also there's new law about name changes here in Sweden coming out in July, which will mean that the cost to change one's name will go down from 1000 kr to somewhere around 250 kr. So it would be wise for me to wait at least until then. I wouldn't care all too much about which name my friends and family members would choose to call me then though, if I do change it again. I know it would likely drive them nuts if I would tell them they'd have to use that new name then, so I'd like to go easy on them and not demand such a thing. It would be for my own sake anyway, and it's not as a big deal to change my name from a male one to another male one - as it was to change it from a female one to a male one. So it wouldn't be as important.

Mostly I just want a nicer name, something I can feel a bit proud of having. And I did specifically choose a name that starts with an "L" because of my surname starting with that letter, so they'll sound and look nice together. Also, not having the same initials as my sister would be a good thing too. Lamont is of Scandinavian and French origin, and means "lawyer" and "man of law" which would be a bit ironic for me but I kinda like that. Also only 17 people in Sweden have it as their first name, according to random sources online. But whatever, I haven't decided for sure yet, I'm just playing with the thought for now.

Aversion to reality

Slacking with the writing as of lately. I don't have the right words within me, the right sentences or the right topics. Been drawing more again, I've both missed it and I haven't. Now it feels good to draw again, at least some days. I think I need to re-dye my hair again but it's not so easy to see as my natural hair keeps growing out darker. That's what I want, so not really complaining though. Also my body hair grows out darker too, at least that on my stomach. It's nearly black now. Magic works? Kinda.

One strong reason why I want especially for my head hair to grow out black is because I want to be able to see when I start getting grey hairs. I won't be able to if I keep dyeing my hair. Although I know it's probably at least 20 more years until I can get to have greyish hair naturally, but still. But that means there's no hurry in magically changing its colour. Don't know if I can actually make it jet black that way, but heck, it's worth a try. It's gone from some kind of light/medium brown to dark brown now though, over the course of 5-ish years or so.

It's quite a lot I've altered about my looks since my birth, I come to realise. Eye colour from greyish blue to green, hair colour from light brown to dark brown, weight gain and loss, change of hormones and top surgery, tattoo, piercings. I think that's all but I could have missed something. I only count the permanent/semi permanent changes that I altered magically, medically and through body mods; so hair dye/bleach, makeup, nail polish, clothing styles and such don't count.

I don't think I'm really chronically unhappy with my looks, cause I'm pleased with the changes that have been made so far and don't want to keep changing the same areas. I just hate my genetics and never really liked much of my original looks. I think I will come to an end of wanting to change more, eventually. Or maybe rather, come to a point where I only have the flaws I can't possibly change left to change. Mostly my bone structure, that is. Of having too wide hips and not wide enough jaws.

The latter I manage somewhat with my beard, actually. Somehow I think it does create a bit of an illusion of a more defined jawline and a little less weak chin, but I'm always reminded of how much I'm not pleased with that particular part of my face.

I've been losing my wanting to sleep around, a bit lately. It's both to do with my dysphoria getting worse and my sex drive getting lower. If they're related I don't know for sure. Cause all of the guys I've been in contact with, whether I've actually slept with them or not, just want to fuck me in my front hole and I can't even manage to be clear enough about how I very much do not want that. So those I have been with (just 2 so far) have been poking around in there despite me not wanting to, due to miscommunication and it caused me so much distress I can't even.

It has put me off, and I'm raging inside at a loss for what to do. I'm trying to make things work as they currently are until I can get them changed to something better, but what if I just can't make it work? Life isn't having it my way. It tears up holes within me that weren't there before. It's not unreasonable to think that maybe this is what's causing my sex drive to decrease. Cause if I can't enjoy it, then what's the point?

It's getting more difficult with masturbation again as well, it disgusts me again. Not because of the act but because of the way things look and feel. I don't like getting reminded of how wrong it and gross it feels, and how much I can't do anything about it on my own. Instead I'm stuck here waiting for an appointment with a damn psychologist who's gonna evaluate if I'm mentally ready for such surgery or not or whatever the fuck they'll want to know. They really want to make sure they're not making any mistakes, huh? Like I've already gotten my diagnosis (GID), got cleared that I was stable enough to go on hormones and have top surgery, and got my legal gender and name officially changed, lived full time as male for the past 8 years, so what damn more do they want from me to give me bottom surgery as well? Isn't it just another part of my medical transition?

I don't even get why they value my genitals more than any other part of my body. My body, not theirs. I don't think I value my genitals more than all other parts of my body. In fact I'm pretty sure I value my face and my hands a fair bit more. Is sex and reproduction really all that important to other people? I don't get it. However I certainly am not saying that it's completely unimportant either, obviously. I mean it's one of the most important things about my body, and I think only my face and hands are more important to me, so the rest of my body isn't.

The only reason someone would want to get such bottom surgery is if they're trans and have dysphoria in that area, which the trans team should already know about me by now. Ugh, I just hate the entire Swedish health care system to the bone. I hate how they're always complicating everything and drawing it out in time too. I remember when I just started my transition, and other trans people told me that the whole process would take around 2-3 years. What a damn joke. 8 years later and I'm still not done.

At some point later in my transition, I wished to myself that I would at least be done before I'm 30. Maybe I can still be, I don't know. I've never even heard of anyone else who's had a decade long transition, which is apparently what I'm looking at here. It does feel endless. I'm shifting between losing my patience and holding onto my hopes. Or maybe I do both at the same time, always. But if I can't make shit work at least halfway decently until that day, I don't know how to manage. I need a temporary solution of some kind, but I can't find one.

I keep running into problems with no solutions and the only thing I can do is waiting them out and hope for the best. It's tiring, it's exhausting and it's pissing me off. I feel an aversion to life and reality. It feels like I'm trying to swim against the stream in a storm. Of course I'm being dragged backwards no matter what I fucking do.