Putting myself back together

I hear many times Caspian telling me that we will meet again. Not with words, I just hear it in my heart somehow. I wonder if we will meet in this life. If he's out there, waiting for me as I am waiting for him. Reincarnated, as someone else. That would be nice. But how do I find him? He might not even be born yet, or he could be older than my late grand parents.

Everything is so vague. As if I'm seeing the world through a mist. My darkened world full of grief, sorrow, sadness, hatred and fear. I feel so lost, like I've been wandering for ages without direction. And now when I look back I can't remember where I came from or where I am. It's scaring me just how accurate that metaphor is.

One one hand I think I need to increase my medication, but on the other hand I have skipped taking it. I want to feel again, real feelings, not this bottled up... whatever crap this is. It's just the top of the iceberg. Knowing that if I let all that free, I'd become even more of a mess, but medication can't heal me. It only patches up the wounds and hides them, but they are still bleeding and hurting. It's just that I can't see them. That fucks me up even more, cause I don't know my limits. It's like running on the adrenaline after an accident. You think you are fine, but you're still breaking apart. So on a conscious level I know that I need to increase my medication in order to keep running, but on a subconscious level I know that I need to stop running in order to heal. But I can't do both, I need to come to a decision.

Sometimes I really feel like I am two people. The part that I am most aware of, that can make conscious decisions, form thoughts and not handle emotions very well. The one that cuts its wrists and writes in this blog, makes drawings and poems, writes short stories, listens to music and decides what I'm going to wear or eat. That is the me I know, the me other people know.

Then there is this other me, that is kind of like a ghost. Running on auto pilot, makes sure I'm breathing and that I am able to move, walk, write, smile, cry, talk. Sends signals to my brain when I need to eat, sleep, wake up, go to the bathroom and basically keeps me alive. But it's also taking its own decisions, feeds me dreams and messes with my head.

Are we all like two people that way? Just that most of us aren't so aware of their subconscious minds? I'm ripping at the seams, and my ghost is becoming visible. Scaring the shit out of me by making decisions I have no control over. Like when I started to starve myself without knowing why, it was my subconscious playing tricks on me, formed a decision to self harm in a way I wasn't aware of, without my consent. Same with the time I was awake for almost 60 hours. Same with that I haven't been taking half my medicine dosage for the last few weeks, I thought that I just forgot to take them. Same with all the nightmares. It's telling me that I'm fine when I'm not, tricking not only myself, but other people around me.

Leaving cryptic, dangerous messages, doing more harm than good until I figure out why. It's like it's trying to communicate with me. This entirely different part of me which I have no control over is starting to take control over me. It's almost like I'm being possessed - by myself. I'm afraid of my own ghost. I call it a ghost because it's shapeless, invisible, deaf and mute, yet very present. But I do not fear ghosts, not in the general term, and I shouldn't fear my own. Maybe I should try to communicate back with it.

This must sound really crazy. Me talking about getting in touch with my inner ghost... But I believe there is a reason, and a quite important one, for my subconscious to show itself to me like this. We are not supposed to be aware of our subconscious minds, it's supposed to stay hidden for a reason, and I think I now know why. Something comes to mind, a thing my mother sometimes says. That in the end, the only one that can help us, is ourselves.

I'm heading somewhere, and I don't know where that could be. If I'm ascending or descending, evolving somehow. Definitely getting in touch with my darker side, and also learning how to keep and understand the balance. Balance between light an dark, exploration and acceptance, change and eternity, life and death. It's wearing me out, scaring me and thrilling me. That there was so much I didn't know about myself, my past and my future. I'm getting lost on unfamiliar roads, and I don't think there is a way back. Backwards is bad, I'm supposed to head forward, into the unknown.

I've become scared of change over the years, knowing that there is so much to be lost. Places, people, experiences, myself. But maybe I have to lose myself in order to find myself again?

I hate it, really hate it when everything hits me at once. It's been a lot of that lately. Because I've realised that I need to see the bigger picture, and not get lost in details. Seeing the world through new eyes, knowing that I do have a purpose here. I just don't like my purpose. It's not to kill myself, it's to understand and accept things the way they are. I'm clear today, but I'm also broken.