Interpreting the dream

I ended up doing a little dream interpretation online anyway, about dreaming of torture. I must say it's quite interesting what's said on the sites I came across. Especially since this is recurring, various dreams, and not a one-time-only dream. All the websites says the same thing: what terrible experience is still haunting you? Do you expect the worst, are you in a very pessimistic mood? Is there some secret you will never ever reveal?

So it's those things torturing me in my dreams. The things I've done and the things I do that I've decided to keep secret, things in my past that happened but just recently showed me their true nature. And what I want to tell and have tried to tell, but just can't, cause I'm afraid of people's reactions and keeping up the lie is so much easier. My negative view on life, always expecting the worst to happen, afraid to dream in case the dream won't come true. 

It seems as though my emotional situation is quite complicated now. Well, not just today, but for several weeks to now. Maybe it's my medicine, maybe it's the hormones. Anyways, I'm acting more content and happy than I actually am. Not faking, just that my true feelings are buried underneath a layer of other, less depressing shit. I'm just barely aware of it. I thought I was actually being happier, and maybe to some extent I am. I didn't notice it at first, until I started to write. My poems are just as dark as ever, those words of pain and suffering coming out of me in rhymes and phrases in a surprisingly lively flow. Surprising me with their context and deep meaning of how I actually feel.

Maybe antidepressants and mood stabilizers are like painkillers: you take one when you're in pain and the pain gets milder when you are on the drug, but the pain is actually still there, just covered in cotton, making you less aware of it. Cause when the effect of the painkillers wear out, the pain hits you again in it's full strength. It was never really gone, just covered, hidden, pressed down. That would explain why I'm still a mess underneath the cotton layer of mood stabilizers and antidepressants, just less aware of it.

I don't necessarily find it negative, or positive, it just is a bit strange. How I discover new things all the time and I don't even know how. I get angry, but I don't act out on it that often anymore and less violently, the rage is still inside me, but something presses it down. I get sad, but I don't know why cause I only barely sense it and can't really put it in words. It's like I run away but I don't know what for. No, not like I run away, but rather being pushed away.

I suppose that could be a good thing, being a little numb after a summer of chaos, but will it solve anything? Being smart and all, I realise I will have to deal with this sooner or later, but I have no idea how. My wish is to find a good therapist that will actually want to deal with my problems, helping me understand them and process them, rather than just fix up a packet solution that "works for most people". I mean real therapy, dealing with trauma and finding a way to live with it. Cause I am traumatised. I haven't been in a war zone or grown up in a family with constant abuse, but I've had my fair share of horrible situations that still haunt me to this day.

Shrinks are always on about only talking about and dealing with the problems I have now, this day, the last week around the actual meeting. They never seem to wanna bring up old shit. Where is Sigmund Freud when I need him?

Another absurd nightmare

It's not uncommon for me to have dreams about torture at night, but I believe it was extra creepy this time. I had an affinity for chopping off peoples arms and legs for fun, preferably in their sleep. Not only that though, I stuck around after the deed to charm the poor amputated person into thanking me for what I did to them. I just woke up and my first thought was: well, that was weird!

I think I might be getting used to having dreams in that category. Torture, rape, murder, and psychological abuse. Mostly I'm the one taking that shit from other people, but every once in a while I'm the psychopathic creep. I'm not even gonna ask my brain what the fuck this dream in particular ment, cause I don't think I want to know.

You might think dreaming something like this would wake me up in a split second and then I'd lock the bedroom door behind me. But no... cause after I woke up from it the first time, I just went back to sleep and the same dream went on from where it left off. Then I woke up again and fell asleep as the dream continued. That repeated a few more times before I just now saw it was four o'clock in the afternoon, and that made me get up.

The last three meatings, summarised

I saw a plastic surgeon in Stockholm yesterday, who is gonna do a mastectomy on me this fall. He took a look at me, estimated I have c-cup (closer to b, but who cares), and suggested a double incision method which I thought sounded good. I have gotten a little bigger, so I didn't want to take my chances with the peri areolar method, risking having to do very many operations before acheiving desired result. And yes, I'm a little impatient. Also I really don't mind having a pair of extra scars.

He asked some basic questions about my health and then declared me healthy as a horse. I told him about my smoking habit, but also that I'm planning to be smoke free at the time of the operation, which is completely true for your information. I'm so excited I'm out of words! I keep fantasising about it, how it will be at the time, the nearest time after, months after, years after. What a relief it would be, god, I've been longing for this so much!

Last Thursday, when I was also in Stockholm (it's been one hell of a ride this month) I saw a new doctor of the team in the Huddinge, cause the regular one was studying or something. This new one made up a plan for our future meatings there, how often I should go there and such. It was pretty basic, no actual information to share, and weirdly enough I don't recall much of the meeting at all. Just that I had a little guessing game in my head about where she's from. Her name was impossible to pronounce and she had an accent. I suppose the following two meetings sort of took up all the room in my already oh so cluttered mind and made me forget most about this meeting.

Then there was another meeting that last Thursday, right after, with a speech therapist. I must admit I first thought the meeting was gonna be quite lame, but it certainly wasn't! First of all, the speech therapist was great, understanding and had a great sense of humor. Secondly, I got to record my voice and the results of it were pretty astounding to me! My talking voice was at 109,5 hz which she said was an average, pretty damn masculine pitch. My tone, word flow and such was also considered masculine. When I heard how I sounded on the tape it was like, wow, that's amazing! Do I really sound like that? It's quite a difference from my own little recordings I did on my camera/cell phone back in the days.

Then I did a recording of how high and low my voice range goes. My lowest tone is at 98 hz and the highest 784. It's quite a wide range, and I even surprised her because I can still reach the same higher tones as I could before starting taking testosterone, and only added the deeper tones, which she said was rather unusual.

So there have been some really interesting meetings lately! I've been to endocrinologist, gotten testosterone legally, heard my voice how it really sounds, seen the surgeon that's gonna do my mastectomy, had an appointment with a new psychologist, found a medicine cocktail that actually seem to work, taken a gazillion blood tests and seen an aurist - all in less than a month.

How is September gonna top that? Just kidding, I'm gonna sleep through all of the next month, cause I kinda need a little rest. That's all for now.

Divided

I'm in that annoying, weird state when I feel hungry and full at the same time. It's not physically possible per se, but it is my mind and my body not cooperating. My mind says I'm full, can't take another bite of that yummy piece of bread - but my body aches and growls for more nutrition. I'm divided in so many weird ways it makes me dizzy just to think of it. The signals between some centers of my brain are not so well connected with some parts of my body. I suppose it's rare cause I haven't heard of or read about it ever, until my uncle said he can't feel hunger as well. So that's my brain and body divided.

Then there's my mind that can't or won't interpret the vague signals my brain and body gives me, but I'm at least somewhat aware of what's going on in there. The thing is that what my mind wants and what my body wants is seldom the same thing. Like for example when I feel like being up all night, but my body is so very tired and craves sleep. By "mind" I mean my immediate conciousness, personality, emotions and all that crap - and by "brain" I mean the subconcious, the parts that controls bodily functions such as hunger, sleep, the five senses, addictions, pain and so on; those parts I don't really have any control over.

But it's more complicated than that, cause we also have Anna. I believe that she is in a way her own person, or a part of me that has taken a sort of life form of its own. We have different personalities, interests, memories, behaviours, clothing styles and so on. We are one person that became two. She is more aware of what the body and the brain is trying to tell us, and she often reminds me of going to the bathroom or to go eat something. Things that I just don't pay attention to.

Sometimes I think it would be better if she was the one controlling our body full time, cause then it's likely I wouldn't keep fucking up my life so much, but rather be healthy, non-smoker, abstainer, and weird in a whole different sort of way. And even more of a recluse. Though I wouldn't be me, "I" would be Anna. People would mistake us for my sister all the time, cause they are quite alike, her and Anna. It would almost be sweet not having to worry about the world around so much, if I was just a voice in her head. I sometimes think about that, what that could have been like. It's a bit of a disturbing, scary thought, being locked inside someone elses head. Perhaps that thought has crossed my mind more often since I am the one who is not human, from another world and a bit deluted. She would fit much better into a female human body.

And then we have my soul, which somehow seems to be even more disconnected from the rest of me, chaotic, uncontrollable and dark. I like to say that there is a gap between my body and soul, and it increases and decreases depending on how I feel. When I'm having a really bad day they are very far apart, which basically means that I'm shattered, drifted away from reality, the emptiness feeling is stronger, my homesickness is stronger and I'm hardly aware of what's going on outside my head. When I'm having a good day my body and soul are closer together and more connected, which means I am more connected, present, together, aware of the world around me, aware of myself and all the sitations around me. Usually it's somewhere in the middle.

So those are the parts of me that are shattered and can't communicate so well. It's part of why I am such a mess, or maybe even THE reason for it. It feels like I've been shoved into this body and this brain, and they chafe and get in the way. It's merely a vessel, a tight fitting suit that was tailored for another person. How do I get my way around that? It's simple: I can't. I can change my body's gender, lose weight, try different clothes and meditate, but that's about it. It's still gonna be a human body, and I'm not comfortable with that. There's no treatment for species dysphoria, and there probably never will be. So I'm stuffing myself full of prescription medications, self-medicating, practise escapism and doing the best I can with what I've got to cope. Or at least I try to.

The wispers again

I heard the wispers again when I went to bed at around three this morning. It kind of sounded more like a tv or radio from upstairs. I'm gonna have to ask the crew if they think my upstairs neighbour is watching tv or something at night. This time it really bothered me. I listened to Judas Priest on max volume but the sounds around me somehow got through it. This is why it's so much more likely to be a hallucination, but it sounds so damn real!

I couldn't go to sleep, got scared of it somehow. I got scared because I couldn't escape the noise, no matter what I did. It followed me within my dream, and though the dream itself is no longer in my concious memory, I do remember it being scary, nightmarish. I woke up again around half past five, still hearing the noise as vivid as before, if not even more vivid.

I kept myself awake for a moment, to tell myself there's nothing to be afraid of, it's just noise, and I could finally fall asleep and got some deep sleep. Until the other kind of noise woke me up. The construction workers drilling into my bedroom wall from outside, at six o'clock. Nice. Think I got like two hours sleep tonight.

Gaming

I've noticed that I am appearently scared of heights in video games, such as world of warcraft, as well as in real life. Usually I get nervous balancing my character on a high place, afraid to fall, which is completely stupid of course. Especially since that particular character is a druid and can instantly shapeshift to flight form if she would fall, and secondly: it's a fucking video game.

Though that's the thing about phobias, I suppose, that they are illogical. My acrophobia really is illogical to me, and a bit absurd. Sometimes annoying, but mostly I don't even think about it. As with most other things that's going around inside my head, it only pops up when I get into a situation, and lies dormant most other times.

To back to world of warcraft, I sort of made the decision to make the whole set of the Frozen Shadoweave gear for a shadow priest. The thing is that I'm not so keen on spending thousands of gold on materials that won't show up in the auction house in the quantities I need, so I'm pro farming. Though, this little piece of garments requires not only hours, but days of farming. I did make the robe for another toon, and that alone took three days to finish. Why am I doing this? Am I really that bored? By the way, I should focus on trying to level up Enchanting so that I can keep leveling Tailoring instead of making gear I won't get any profit from. Except for looking nice.

Take back the theft (poem)

It's taking over my life
or what of it is left
so many times I've tried
to take back the theft

But I'm hopeless and afraid
making it easier for myself
will I ever finish my goals
putting my dreams on the shelf

An addiction too many
I replaced one with another
to rid myself of inner pain
and all the failures that I gather

I'm sick and tired of trying
convincing myself that I'm fearless
cause the darkness beneath me
is bottomless

So many sectrets
to protect my skin
alcoholism is killing me
from within

Dreams

I had some strange dreams tonight. One was about me traveling by train and for some reason I was angry at the driver. When I got off I happily watched the train and all its passengers getting smashed by an iceboat that stood parked on dry land. I found it especially amusing seeing them flying one after the other into the pointy front of the boat, getting literally slashed down the middle, from crotch and up.

The other dream was a little less morbid. Me, my mother and my sister were on a road trip, passing a forest. We had some sort of name guessing game. I remember my mother asking me what the origin of the name "Arthur" was, and I told her there was no real origin behind it. No other name, but she made me guess anyway. I came up with "Carl" and she said it was right, or close to right. After waking up, I had to immediately look it up, and it occurs that I was right all along. I told you so!

It's strange that I in dreams seem to know stuff I didn't think I actually knew. I wonder what it would be like if I was completely aware of my subconcious, and had all access to it. All the things that I can't remember, or think that I don't know about but actually do. An all access pass to my own brain. Would be kind of neat, but probably overwhelming.

Lost within myself

As I said a while ago, I had my reasons to believe the Swedish actor Lennart Jäkel had some sort of connection to my relatives. I have a memory of one of my uncles on my father's side and his girlfriend at the time had gotten a personal letter from mentioned actor. I was sixteen, I think, at the time and had no idea who that fellow was. I brought it up with my father a few weeks ago or so and he said I was mistaken. What is it with me and my false memories really? Or is it his memory, or lack there of, that is false? Some thing just can't be reality proved.

I found that term on some mental illness forum or article. It's when you find out if your experiences actually were real, usually by asking someone else that was also present at the time about the experience. Though this particular memory is rather small or insignificant, I have more of those. One for example that is kind of important: I remember my mother telling me as a kid, that I had been screaming/crying a lot like all the time when I was a toddler, and then gone over to just screaming/crying half the days and less and less as I grew up. I just mentioned that a while ago and she said that I didn't scream or cry that much at all! I remember it so clear, I yelled and threw things a lot as a kid, didn't I? But then there's this other part of me remembering that I was a very quiet kid, but started acting out in "mellanstadiet"... None of that makes any sense to me. I have two contradicting memories, both very clear that somehow happened at the same time. How is that even possible?

I cherish my memories, protect them with my life. I swore that I would never ever forget what it was like being a child! This can't be happening! I have got to remember the truth, what really happened, who I really was. I don't even know who I am today, how am I supposed to know who I was before? It's like not only my moods changes, but my whole personality changes! I believe it is true that I have gone too deep into the abyss, and its staring right back at me. Swallowed me whole and I got lost in it. I just keep finding out more things about myself, more layers of contradictions, traumas, perspectives, experiences, symptoms, personality traits... it doesn't add up to a person. It adds up to something more like several people. Or maybe everyone is like that, but most just don't know it because they haven't reached deep enough to get totally lost within themselves.

I try to look beyond emotional problems, traumas, symptoms of mental illness, sexually, likes and dislikes, polital and religious opinions and just see "me", but I don't know what that is. What about myself is the real me? The person beyond human flesh and a messed up brain, what is left? If I was a tad bit more normal I think it would be easier to find that core, but now it's so entangled in all that other stuff that I just can't see it. I wish I could, I really do. It scares me, that I'm so lost in my own mind, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I know so much, but nothing makes any sense. Maybe that is the definition of insanity.

Restless

I don't start over, I change the direction from where I already am. I'm listening to Lady Gaga's "I like it rough" over and over. Just changing from one song to another, a week at a time. I so wanna see through the movie "The number 23" which I have already seen three or four times, but I just can focus and Anna keeps repeating "do you even watch the movie?" I don't know, a little. I'm so tired. Tired is a good word, isn't it? It can be used as an excuse for almost anything that makes you feel drained or down. Be it depression, being irritated, sadness, hopelessness, absent minded introvert behaviour, acting like jerk, had a little too much to drink, upset in any way, depressed, hurting...

I use it as an excuse everytime, but it doesn't mean that I'm lying, cause it's also the truth. I'm tired a lot. Tired when I wake up, tired before I have eaten, tired after I've eaten, tired before I go to bed, tired when I feel happy, tired when I feel like crap. I'm almost always tired, that's why it's so hard to go to sleep. Especially since I'm usually more tired getting up than going to bed.

I'm a lot more tired now than my usual day-time tired, yet I can't go to bed. Why can't I go to bed? It might have something to do with stress. It's easier somehow for me to go to sleep in time when I don't need to, but freaking impossible when I need the sleep. Right now I'm hooked up on the trip to Huddinge and that's probably why I feel so damn restless tonight. Not ADHD restless, but something's crawling and tickling inside my body and a weird undefineable emotion is controlling the thoughts in my mushed brain sort of restless.

Just turn off the computer, get up, turn off the lights, brush your teeth, undress and lie down in bed for fucks sake. How hard can it be? With this tiredness I'll fall asleep instantly anyway. What is my problem really?

Debating this for 12 years

Great. Now I'm back on thinking I might have DID again. How did that happen? Because I shifted to another persona this Sunday. I was watching the girl in my head take over my body under my supervision. I watched her walking like girl, waving my hands in feminine motions and talking in a high(er) pitch. We talked about if afterwards and she's been pushing me to buy or make a dress for her to wear. I heard myself say that if this is gonna happen more often I might actually do that. Even though she has good reasons (I think) she's a manipulative bitch and might even make me get her that damn dress. I told her: why does it have to be a dress? Can't you wear pants like everyone else? She's old fashioned, though foul-mouthed, so I suppose that's big deal for her, but still. It would be far beyond embarrasing if people saw me walking around in a fucking dress! And on top of that, in a feminine giggly voice introduce myself as Anna...

If this isn't multiple personalities I honestly don't know. Sure there's a wide range of dissociative disorders, and the one with PTSD as underlying cause would probably make more sense, it's still not a good diagnosis. What the fuck do I care about diagnoses anyway!? I just wanna know what's going on. She sure isn't a usual hallucination per se, and I've been debating this issue for far too long. Twelve damn years and this is what I've come up with!? "It could be Schizophrenia... no wait DID makes more sense... oh never mind, it's definately Schizophrenia... dafuq I just shifted?! It's definately DID! ... but I'm having all other symptoms of Schizophrenia... but Anna isn't a hallucination cause I know she isn't real, and DID makes more sense... no Schizophrenia makes more sense" and so on... I'm getting tired of it. You know what? Maybe I have both!

An empty day

I'm pissed at humanity again, or well, more only the commune workers scrubbing the fasade on the house of my apartment. The noice drives me insane and it's been going on for hours! And they closed my window. They closed it. Wouldn't it be you know... polite to knock on my door and ask me nicely to close my own window, with perhaps a little explanation? I don't know what I'm so pissed at really. Most of the noice I block out with music, and is a closed window really such a big deal? I suppose it is.

Everything seem to piss me off right now. Like the sleeves on my robe. I mean, come on... I can't wait until I accidentally knock the ash off my cigarette on my keyboard... that happens quite often. Sometimes it pisses me off, and I have a feeling it will, if that occurs today. Just one of those days. Well, what did I expect? I've had several good days in a row, I knew that wasn't gonna last forever.

So anyway, I'm heading off to Stockholm the day after tomorrow, and I'm writing a list of things to bring. What does one do for five hours while waiting for a ferry to ship off? My feet will hurt so bad, since we're gonna walk and walk and walk...

I wonder what the meeting is gonna be about. Probably a check up, and maybe discussing surgery. And yet another time they will ask how I feel about it. It's almost like these sports journalists that always asks the winner how they feel after crossing the finish line. Maybe I should be a bit more elaborate and say that I'm a nervous, wonder which surgeon they had in mind to do it, and how long it will be, approximately, until the big day.

Feels like I don't have anything interesting to write nowadays. It's still as cluttered as usually in my head, but it's just nonsense. No ideas, no creativity, no obsessing. I kind of miss it. All that stuff which keep me up at night, endless thought spirals of figuring things out or endless imagination. That chronical feeling of emptiness is extra unmistakable days like these.

He's in my dreams

I dreamt about my crush again tonight. He was with me at my family's house, the one I grew up in. In my dreams we never moved from there, don't know if it's just wishful thinking or because somehow my heart is still there. Anyways, in the dream there were a lot of other people I didn't recognise. They were all in some sort of extreme sports tournament under the ground that I tried to tag along with but felt inadequate cause I couldn't keep up. (Did I mention it was extreme?) I wanted to stay close to my crush but was afraid to make a move. I don't remember how the dream ended, but probably with the crew calling me for my morning pills.

The thing is I don't really think of him so much when I'm awake. I look at his picture every now and then, but he isn't on my mind so much. Trying to move on I suppose, but he's appearently following me in my nigthly dreams... though this was the second of only two dreams so far, but still. I haven't been dreaming about my crushes before him in a long time, so I suppose he is special, well, somehow more special than other people I've had feelings for. Maybe cause this one is actually a good person, or so I believe from the relatively little I know about him.

Mental shift

Something exiting just happened! I told Anna to take over my body cause i needed to find something in my apartment that she thought she knew where it was. I was like breathing deeply, concentrating and waving my hands and stuff... and it worked! We shifted! She talked out loud while I could only think and she heard my thoughts. She even greated one of my neighbors... which was embarrasing, cause her voice is like... weird. I told her that her voice was weird and she said that I had pumped myself full of testosterone and that's why. Bummer for her, but I don't really care.

I watched her rifle through stuff I couldn't touch because of my phobias, and told her to be careful in her haste. She kept asking me if I wanted to keep this and oh what is that and so on. After like fifteen minutes or so she said she couldn't find what we were looking for and then she just collapsed on the floor. Then I was back in control again, sort of wondering what I was doing on the floor.

She's never been able to control my body for more than a few minutes at a time and then usually just to write something or move things, so fifteen minutes rifling through half my apartment - it's not so strange she collapsed. Now I feel all energized and a bit shaken, and I can only remember bits and pieces of what went on. Why is the lamp in the ceiling turned on? I really need a cigarette...

Now she's talking about how fun it would be to shift in front of my friends. I'm not sure I'm liking that idea. Baby steps, okay?

Hallucinating

It's been even harder to concentrate when I'm out in public or with other people. I can't concentrate on what other people say cause Anna's voice and Vargyl's are so vivid and real. I suppose I come off as more absent minded that truth to be told. The war in my head is increasing my imaginary headache. Cause what else is it supposed to be? No painkillers works. Ever.

What am I supposed to do when seeing my shrink(s)? I can't tell them about my most important problems. And how can I get better by witholding such important information from them? Should I just stop seeing them altogether. I hide so much it feels like the meetings are becoming meaningless. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid of what my hallucinations and possible delusions might mean and that they actually are getting worse. I'm having tactile hallucinations almost as much as I'm hearing the voices now. Those are even worse to deal with. Keep telling myself there are no worms in my eyes and I should stop digging in them when that occurs, that nothing's crawling around inside me but I can't sit still or stop trying to scrats it away, and during the days I'm completely unable to feel any pain at all it's just all in my head and I should stop injuring myself to find out why I can't feel it. Those two are the worst, but I notice things that aren't there with all of my five senses.

Really good news

First off, the best news in a very long time: I've got testosterone!!! Nebido injections, starting as soon as possible!

Second best news for today: My computer problems are solved, and I got them fixed for a rather small sum of money.

Third good news of today: Meeting with my new psychologist went fine, and she's gonna work together with my so far regular pshychologist in the DBT-team, which is awesome cause that basically means I'll have one expert on Borderline issues with a little knowledge of Asperger, and one expert on Asperger and other Autism spectra conditions, working together for me. Damn neat, in my opinion!

All that aside, I'm frigging tired after this long day packed with events. At the end of the second meeting I had forgotten my own phone number, when I tried to tell it to my new psychologist. I was so out of it I felt like I could barely remember my own name. But it's been a good day.

The endocrinologist I met was great and we seemed to understand each other. She told me my liver value (is that correct?) was slightly elevated, which I didn't think was strange at all considering all the medicine and over doses I've had over the last decade. Then I needed more vitamine D, and she complained about my cigarette consumption.  Though I sort of lied and said I only smoke one pack of day, instead of the two and a half that actually goes up in smoke.

We agreed about which testosterone preparation to use. She said I was gonna get rid of my menstruation faster with the injections and I said it would be neat not having to smear that Testogel every damn day and all that. I just like it when doctors agree with me! Means I'm not completely clueless, and possibly that I've been depending on prescription drugs for just a little bit too long.

Blogthings and Anna

Me my family went to the medeaval market in Visby on Sunday, and afterwards we went for a fika. I ordered a coke and it said "dela en coke med Anna". It crinched a bit in my gut, realising I literally was sharing it with someone called Anna. The voice in my head, my prodical sister, the girl sharing my body, the parasite in my brain, my split personality, invisible friend - or whatever you wanna call her. She has many names, including bitch, whore, cunt, annoying little piece of shit, what do I call you? "I don't remember. Most of it just goes unnoticed. Well, first I notice it, then I unnotice it." Well put.

You Are Firefox

Many people have tried to tame you, but so far no one has succeeded. You can't be broken. You believe in originality and tolerance. You think the world needs more diversity, not less. You're the perfect combination of uniqueness and quality. You're able to relate to all sorts of people. You have no desire to lead or follow. Anyone is welcome to join you on your journey for a while.

What Web Browser Are You?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

       

Philosophy

I'm suddenly finding myself questioning everything that I before just thought was a little odd, or something I just had the talent for noticing. Little things, which it really doesn't matter if they are really real or not. Like when I sometimes feel that the cigarettes tastes like caramel while I'm holding my breath with the smoke inside me. It always surprises me and I'd like it to stay, but it never does. How can I feel any taste while holding my breath anyway? Isn't that like scientifically impossible? And normal cigarettes aren't supposed to taste anything but tobaco, except for small differences between brands, but certainly not caramel. So that's probably not real, but I never thought about it like that before, in terms of real or imaginary. I feel the taste, therefor it's real in my world. Picasso's quote "everything you can imagine is real" somehow comes to mind. I really like that quote.

Speaking of imagination, I finally found the director's cut version of "Donnie Darko" and I am watching it right now. Well, I took a break to write this, but still. Suddenly things make more sense in this senseless movie! They've deleted many important scenes and things I just wanted to know about out of curiousity. Like that they show short passages from Roberta Sparrow's book "The philosophy of time travel" and I suddenly understand why Donnie keeps dreaming about water, that the element of water holds a specific significance to the movie. Probably also why he flooded the School, come to think of it. Damn those who cut those scenes out! Couldn't they have cut something else out instead? Something pointless like the smurf-scene or when Samantha and her friends talk about feces? I don't know, but it's still my favourite movie.

Still trying to figure out a deeper meaning behind it, though I know even the director has no real clue what it's about. It's just what I do, analysing things to bits. If I could have that as a profession I'd be stinking rich! Analysing as a thought process, not through microscopes. Sometimes I wonder why I do that, but today it's pretty clear to me: by doing so I solve things, problems that I've been carrying around for a long time, until finally an answers pops up. I get new perspective of things, and by looking at something in all possible angles, you may not understand it, but you sure know what it looks like. That usually takes years of thought grinding though.

Speaking of this as a profession, maybe I could sell the answer to the question about the meaning of life? You know, since I do have the answer. I remember I got the answer in a dream when I was a kid and then I had forgotten it when I woke up in the morning. I was sooo very furious, that I started to search for it, to find it again. It took me about ten years to find it again, but the important thing is that I did find it! Now I'm not even sure that the answer I have today is the same that was given to me as a child, but I believe that it is. From what I have noticed, people don't seem to want the answer, though. I'm not sure what's up with that. Perhaps it's because the question is so stigmatised and overly overrated (it really is) that when I come by with the answer people don't want to know it. Maybe they don't believe me, that I'm for real, or they are so wrapped up in the stigma believing there is no actual answer to the question. Which would be absurd, if you ask me. Why? Because evey question has an answer. And just because you don't want to believe in the answer doesn't make it untrue.

I read somewhere, possibly in some science magazine, that some researchers are figuring out (kind of finally) that over thinking isn't only a bad thing to do, that it might actually lead to something. I'm with them on that! Can't help but thinking why it took so damn long for them to figure that one out though. Can't help but wonder why it took me 24 years to figure it out either. I mean I'm not exactly the only one who has accomplished something from over thinking. Just one word: philosophers. All the great philosophers, wasn't that exactly kind of what they were doing? Kind of exactly what I'm doing? "Are you saying you're a "great philosopher"?" I didn't mean to, and that was Anna's words by the way, but now I see that's sort of what it looks like. Freudian slip, perhaps. Well, who knows, maybe someday.

Sorting out

Tonight I dreamt that my hair had miraculously grown all the way to under my bum. When I woke up I had to emidiately check if it had, but it hadn't. Bummer.

I can't decide where to put my focus today. I want to draw, write and make dreads - all at the same time! And then I want to fix that waist coat to my three piece suit, make it sit tighter on me. So that's a fourth project I want to do today... it's nice to feel creatively productive again, but it would be nicer if it didn't attack me all at once. Do I find myself complaining about my creative energy? No, we can't have that!

I still want to play WoW as well, but still can't. Hopefully I'll be able to do that when I get home from my little visit to Visby tomorrow. It's gonna be a hectic day, to say the least! First I'll have to get up at 8:00 or at least well before 8:30, then we head off to Visby and leave my computer at DataByrån before we go to see the endocrinologist at 11:00. Then we have an hour or so to kill before another appointment. What was it... oh yes! New psychologist at the neuropsychiatric team unit. Then pick up my computer again before we go back home. And when I say "we" I mean me and my mother, and maybe my sister as well. But I doubt she'd wanna run around in Visby a whole day while me and my mother go to various meetings. I guess I'll see how big a crowd I'll have tagging along.

A little productive again

I'm still listening to "Ivory tower" by Alphaville, over and over again, the way I listen to music. Made me think of otherkin again, or at least remembering and missing past lifes: "Oh my God, I feel so alone - a million lightyears far from home - it seems to be a tragedy"

I'm back to being a little creative, or productive again, in my own sort of way. I've finished a drawing I started on yesterday and made a couple of dreads. Even writing a little in my autobiography/memoir, of course about otherkin, since I'm a little hooked on that for the moment. The moment that has lasted for two days... anyways, it's nice to obsess about something that makes me smile and feel fulfilled rather than something that makes me cry and feel shattered. I suggest you agree with that!

Cause it really does, make me feel fulfilled, being otherkin and obsessing about the phenomena. It's the home in my heart, my true identity above all else and I'm not alone in my strange beliefs. It's about me and the way I am in a positive, summed up way, something that I'm proud of and like. It's good.

It's also something that is hard to describe and write about without pissing someone off, but then again, what isn't? I'm not gonna say things like "this is how it is, period" but merely writing my own version, what I believe it is and how I see it. Generalising a bit is unfortunately necessary for it to not become completely vague and disorienting. I believe I've been in the community long enough to have my own opinions about it and at the same time summarise other otherkins general opinions I've come across. I find it to be a very friendly society/community and even though everyone disagrees with each other most often, the tone of the converations on the forums is light, organised and respectful towards everyone. Maybe the angelkin have something to do with that? No that was a joke, no offence, fellow angels.

Clinical lycanthropy

Did you know there is actually a psychiatric term called "clinical lycanthropy"? It is defined as a delusion where one believes to be another animal than human, and also can physically shapeshift to that animal. Heck, I learn something new every day! It's gotta be pretty rare though, to get that diagnose I mean. I've sure never heard of it before and I've been having my nose pretty deep in various psychological conditions for quite some time now. This one makes me giggle a little bit though. To me it seems harmless, but then I've never felt like I'm transforming into a werewolf.

Species dysphoria

I'm still trying to find a somewhat solid description of demons. They are beings of chaos, how does one describe that? Chaos is something you cannot understand, since when you understand it, it ceases to be chaos. And if you understand demons, they are no longer chaotic and therefor per definition not demons anymore. Get my drift? I don't.

Everyone seem to have different opinions on the matter, making everyone who feel they are dark and chaotic potential demons. What makes my case so different then? Among Otherkin, the race category "demons" seem to be in widest range and hardest to pin point exactly what it means. There are so many types of demonic beings in myth, folklore and religion it's insane.

Oh, and one more thing! I don't think I've ever heard of the term "species dysphoria" before today. That term makes sense to me. Or, well, having that makes no common sense, but I sure have it! Born as the wrong gender, and the wrong species... and in the wrong universe... not so strange I hate my life.

I find myself deleting more than I'm writing today. No, that makes no sense, and is in the literal sense impossible. I can't make up my mind about what I want to post today. Not too much of the same infinate, useless ramblings that no one will read, or will make my readers eyes bleed. Not too private stuff I'll end up regretting later. I don't feel very productive today. My thoughts are a scattered mess and I'm tearing my hair out to make some sense of it.



Soundtrack: Alphaville's "Euphoria"

Some good news

Just got home from a meeting with my psychiatrist and got some good news! Appearently a doctor in Solna, Stockholm had contacted her about sending a referral to the surgery unit there. After constantly telling me about the uttermost importance that I am mentally and physically stable at the time for surgery for like fifteen minutes, she said she'd get back to the doctor in Solna. It seemed like I might go through with the surgery already this autumn, and she asked me if I would be okay with that. Helloooo, been waiting four fucking years here! Well, I didn't tell her exactly that, but I assured her I was perfectly okay with that. With that settled, she said she was gonna get in contact with that doctor ASAP. Shit's getting real! I literally can't stop smiling!

Before that though, we talked about hormones, and me getting them next week, cause she implied that I'd get them right away at the meeting with endocrinologist on Wednesdag. I told her I was back on self medicating with Testogel which she didn't approve of. But she's kind of charming and we joked about how unethical it would be of her to say "oh, good that you're taking illegal drugs!", but I told her I was at least aware of all the pros and cons by doing so. Strangely she thought I would keep on self medicating hormones on the side, after I get the real stuff that I won't have be sneaky about. Why the hell would I wanna do that? It's both dangerous and unnessecary, and stupid as well.

So now finally time is catching up with me, and things are moving in the right direction! I'll keep you updated, and we'll see how it goes on Wednesday.

Second life

I just got an avatar on Second Life, which I've been meaning to do for quite some time. Just to check it out, so I was only there for half an hour or so. People there were all saying good night, one after another. First I thought they had just as bad sleeping habits as I do, but then realised they probably live in another timezone. I'm a little slow, and quite tired, and should probably go to bed as well, but now I'm all wired up!

The good thing about this hurting tooth of mine, is that my back doesn't seem to hurt anymore. Yeah, one of my wisdom teeth has been up to something for the last few days. I really don't wanna face it, but if this persists I suppose I'll just have to. Not because of the pain, cause that I can handle, but because something might be wrong with it. Though I know my pain threshold is a bit higher than most people's, perhaps I shouldn't prolong this much further. Not only my tooth hurts, but so does half my jaw, and basically half my face. It's also swollen. Damn it, I really hoped this would just get better by itself.

Why can't I just have a little physical pain for no reason without something being wrong? Of course I have my headache for that, but it's not the same thing. I don't want things to hurt constantly for a decade, but can't nature just let me have a little toothache for a couple of days or so without me having to worry about it being infected or something? Well, if I worry so goddamn much I should just bloody check it out, how damn hard can that be!? I'm not scared of dentists, but I don't like getting rid of teeth either, and wisdom teeth being a pain in the ass usually aren't that easy to fix. So I suppose that's what I'm worrying about, that the dentist will tell me it has to be pulled out. Yeek, really don't like the thought of that...

I just have one unseen episode of Perception left, and I kinda want to watch that one now. It was three hours ago Anna told me I should go to bed, but I just can't. If I go to bed now I will sleep all through the day and wake up at the evening. Then the same thing will happen tomorrow... and the next day. I can either stay up until afternoon and then sleep all through the afternoon, evening and night and wake up in the morning. But then I lose my presious evening which is the best time of the day. Or I can stay up all day and be up for another 24 hours and go to sleep at a normal time, but then I'm likely to sleep for 18 hours again. Sigh... these damn fucking choices! I wish I didn't have any! That would be so much easier.

Accustomed

I really think I might have Schizophrenia. It sounds stupid to say it somehow though, but it makes sense on so many levels. Even that old saying that people with these symptoms usually don't want to talk about them with their doctors. It could also be that I just experience some of the traits, that wouldn't be enough for a full diagnosis. I knew I had Borderline for a long time before I brought it up with my doctor and got that diagnosis, but I also cheated on the tests to get it.

Now I'm having second thoughts about it, that it might actually have been a misdiagnosis. Or maybe I'm just thinking that cause DBT really wasn't my thing. To keep up a lie about symptom I don't have during therapy is just... a what the hell is wrong with me -type of thing. Compulsive lying can be really fucking hard sometimes, but then again, half the time I'm not even aware of that is what I'm doing

So I've been kind of certain of my new self diagnosis for almost a month now, but what I'm sort of scared of is that I'll grow accustomed to it and probably weave into another weird type of delusion over time, and maybe even start lying to prove to others that I'm right. Please hit me in my fucked up head with a baseball bat if you catch me doing that, okay?

Shifting out

I've been drinking coke and smoking like chimney for quite some time now, but my teeth has always looked white and nice... until now. Well, it was bound to happen eventually I suppose, that they would get discoloured. But I won't start worrying as long as they are still working as they're supposed. About that, one of wisdom teeth is being a pain in the ass. I'm not so bothered by the pain itself, it works better than selfharm! but I'm a little worried that something might be wrong, infected or worse. If it persists I suppose I have to get my ass to a dentist, but with my high pain threshold I should probably get there a bit earlier.

This shift of realities is a depersonalisation, I figured. Yeah, I'm slow, but what does that matter? Stranger things have happened to me. The real test though will be going to ICA, which I have to do quite soon. It feels like I just went there, but I ran out of... things... that I need. What bothers me most right now is this damn heat! It's too warm to wear clothes, and I like wearing clothes. It's too hot to breathe, and I kinda like doing that to. I can't wait to later, so I'll just have to suck it up and go buy those damn groceries that won't buy themselves for some damn reason. That would be neat though, if they can buy themselves and just get here on my command. Where is magic when I need it? I have to find more of those alternate realities! Maybe I can find one there is magic in? Whether that reality would be real or not doesn't matter, it would be a bit awesome which way. Can't be so picky.

ICA went fine by the way. Home now. Didn't do anything stupid or weirder than usual.

In a fake world

I'm in this weird state where the world doesn't feel real at all, my feelings seem to be projected from somewhere else, my thoughts aren't mine. It all seems fake, like a lucid dream, a set on a theater stage or like watching a film. I'm drifting, just barely aware of the atmosphere I'm in. I'm sort of numb, out of touch and I don't believe in what I'm registrating through my senses. It's very hard to describe, really. When nothing seems real, not even the air in my lungs, I'm at the same time scared, calm and intrigued. Scared, cause I can't tell what this is, if this is an alternate reality or something. Calm, cause nothing can hurt me now. Intrigued, cause of all the things I can get away with. I'd better just stay in doors though, but it's tempting to go outside and do something I wouldn't have done in the real world.

When I'm like this, it usually doesn't last that very long, or maybe it does. A couple of days at most. Last time was during a stay at my family's place. I said and did a few things I wouldn't have done otherwise, but nothing big. It was so weird, they were the same, but still completely different. It's been more of this lately for some reason. So a part me does know this isn't gonna last, it will pass and I'll be pushed back into the real world again. But what I can't be sure of is whether those strange things I say and do in this fake world will have any consequences when I get back to the real one. A sane person might tell me that there is no "fake" world that one can just drift into and out of, but how can you know for sure if you haven't been both here and there?

By posting this, I'm not sure this is actually gonna be posted in the real world. This other one that I'm in is imitating it so well. I guess I'll find out when I get back.

I'm wise enough to know that I'm not wise enough

I just did a gazillion online quizzes (cause that is what I do... most of the time) asking how old my soul is, and all of them said that mine is very old. Of course I already knew that, so I suppose I just wanted to have a little smile or two, cause I didn't expect that a lot of stupid teenagers making stupid online quizzes would all be right. But it got me thinking. I haven't always been/had such an old soul (duh). When I came here I was more of a mature soul or something.

As a kid it's true that I had more knowledge about life and what it's all about than most adults I met that cared enough to shut up and listen to what I said for a few minutes, but I didn't have much understanding of myself and this world. I must have lost some knowledge on my way from Dala to here, and that was probably good. I was already too evolved for my age as a kid, I cursed myself for my inadequate language skills, I couldn't make anything come out right when I spoke, and I didn't know the words for what I wanted to express.

I think this is one of the reasons language has become so important to me, I need it to be able to communicate in a way that I won't feel it's all too damn impossible to say what I'm trying to say. To understand myself, this world, and to help and guide others. Now I'm starting to reach a point where I know which words to use but they are too complicated for the average Joe (or Jane, or Jamie as an androgynous variant?) to understand. That's a problem. Anyways, what I was going to say is that I've evolved more during my stay on Earth. I don't know if I'm more evolved than ever or if I'm still far from the stage I had reached in Dala, probably the latter, come to think of it. I wouldn't have been an immortal prophet in a fantasy world for nothing.

Then my next question is, will I reach that stage again during this lifetime? I sort of hope so, it would be sweet. When I'm able to remember enough of Dala and who I was there, I'm sure all that knowledge and wisdom will come rushing back to me. All that I once knew, about life and death, living, loving, hoping, what time is, what is important, why I am really here and how I will get back to Dala. What any of this ment in all three lives I've lived and answers I don't even have questions for yet. I think that I'm not ready for it yet. I would probably have been long ago though, if it wasn't for all the damn mess I've been put through in this life! Was that really neccesary? It probably was... or else it wouldn't have been this way.

Though, in this mess I'm still glad for the people around me that I've got. I must admit that. Having a mother who is also very spiritually enlightened, accepting of all my quirks and odds and also having close friends who like me for who I am and that I like back just as much. That truly is a blessing. I can't imagine what it would have been like without that. No really, I can't. I've tried, just to... well if you know me, I always want to imagine all sides of every coin known to man and a few others that I come across. To give myself some perspective, objectivity, a deeper sense of understanding. Some things I just can't seem to be able to picture, those that would have a major impact on my life from the moment it started. How am I supposed to that?

For example, I've been trying to imagine what my life would have been like if I had been born physically male, but everything else is the same. My personality and male identity, family, friends, everything. I can't. I just can't imagine it.
- Would my parents have had a different idea of me as a person?
- What would my name have been?
- Would I have been friends with Karin?
- Would I have been even more bullied cause I hated ball games such as soccer and was afraid of climbing in trees?
- Would I still have been overly interested in princesses and dresses as a kid?
- Would I have figured out earlier that I was a demon prince in Dala?
- How would my love life history have been? There wouldn't have been a Robin, I probably wouldn't have been raped, and would it have been some sort of reverse bisexual history? By which I mean, would I have drooled over girls until I finally found out that I like guys as well, instead of vice versa as it was in this reality?

Too many questions I can't possible know which how to answer, makes it impossible to imagine my whole life in a different gendered body. How about that. I don't know if my life would have been better, but considering the last decade only, I'd say it would have. My reason for thinking that is simply because from the time I was in my mid to late teens gender issues really started to become a problem. Of course I had been thinking about that since a lot earlier, and I've been bothered by my female body since I was at least seven years old, but it wasn't an actual problem until I found out about me being transsexual when I was fifteen.

So that aside... what the hell was I wring about? Yes, my old soul. My point kinda got lost in all my rantings, but what it initally was, was that I think I need to be a nutcase with more mental problems and hardships than I literally can handle to have any sort of spiritual awakening. Or several small ones, step by step. I'm still not there, I'm soooo damn far from an actual spiritual awakening it's making me laugh at myself for even saying that! I suppose that is also a sign of me getting smarter. As a kid I was sort of hectorly, thinking I was way smarter and wiser than everyone else (funny though, at the same time I despised the idea of getting smart, cause I thought that ment losing my personality, individuality and creativity, though I had no idea what so ever how to actually say that when people asked me why I didn't want to get book-smart). I was kinda weird that way.

Over the years I realised I wasn't as smart and wise as I could be and got some new perspective. Then I sort of hit a wall of another episode of believing I knew it all and had all the answers. I suppose finding out the answer to the meaning of life had something to do with that. Then I landed, about three or four years ago, realising that having one answer didn't mean I knew everything. Faaaar from it! It's not "42" and 42 is not the answer to every question. Bummer, I know. So isn't the real answer to the question of what the meaning of life is, and it only answers that question. And believe me, once you know that answer, you want to know even more! About then I found out that the questions will never end, and every answer to a question brings up new questions. Meaning that thinking I knew it all, was suddenly a very absurd thing to believe.

I'm rambling waaaay too much! What's up with me tonight!? I'm trying to make a statement and I can't seem to reach a conclusion. I wish I had someone to talk to, then it wouldn't take me fucking hours to say something that in a conversation would have only taken me maybe twenty minutes. Argh... where was I? Oh what the hell, it doesn't matter. Fuck this shit! If you have read it all the way here, I'll give you a gold star and cudos, but I've lost hope in ever being able to finish this.

I ain't a quitter! Now, I've read through all of it and this is my damn conclusion: Though I've been around and about in different lives long enough to not know what's back or front of myself and always been eager to sort out my own and the whole existence's mysteries, I still have a whole lot to learn. And maybe, just maybe, I'll even stick around long enough to see if I will reach some sort of nirvana state of enlightenment in this miserable, piece if crap world. Or maybe I will get wise enough to realise I just don't have to reach that state.

Everything is nothing, nothing is everything, and realising that is simply something.

Now, I have a very important question to ask: is six o'clock in the morning late or early if you have been up all night?

Home is where the heart is

I've come to notice that some days I think in terms of me being Otherkin and stuff as a psychotic delusion, while other days I'm certain my beliefs are nothing but true. Maybe that is a process that can't decide which way to lean. I'm not sure of that, but it seems to me like it could be a reasonable possibility. That I doubt myself and question even my most important belief. For that is a fact, I question everything I believe in and I have questioned everthing I have ever believed in. I question it so to the point that I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Those days I believe in my Otherkin identity to be nothing but real, I stay away from the Schizophrenia forums online and head for the Otherkin forums - and vice versa.

The truth is that every belief a human being can have can be shattered and turned into a disbelief, if one is eager enough to dig deep enough. It's bound to happen that one will find cracks in the solid pattern, something to hold against the belief, no matter how strong ones faith is, and if one is uncertain of everything already to begin with, it's hard to hold on to a belief of any kind. At least that is what I think, and with that said, will I ever be able to believe in anything through and through? I mean, who is to believe in reincarnation if not the one who has vivid memories of it happening? Yet I fucking question it! If I don't find anything solid enough to truly, utterly, completely, to hundred percent believe in - will I wander around not knowing where I belong for all eternity? Well, by eternity I mean solely this life, which for me isn't much of an eternity. When you've lived three times and been reincarnated twice words like "forever" and "eternity" seems kind of... I don't know, small?

Though, to me the true meaning of the eternity of my life means for how my soul will tag along. I hope it won't be that much longer, cause I'm getting kind of tired. The beliefs I have and or try to find in this life won't in any way be neccesary to take with in a next life. Perhaps, obvious, but I can't know if it is to you. I hope I won't have to reincarnate so many more times, cause that's what I'm fucking tired of. If I get to decide: I'd go back to Dala once I die here, directly, without complication and stay there for the rest of existence. I know I was immortal there, and through my humble knowledge, demons don't die of old age. The thing is that I'm tired of shifting to a new plane of existence, a new body and leaving everyone that I love behind me. I don't think I can do that again, my soul is pretty fragile after that most recent reincarnation and I just don't want to do it again. No more, I've had enough! Once I'm dead, just let me rest in peace. Soul, mind and body. I just want to go home and stay there. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in Dala.

Time for watching more Buffy episodes now, I think!

Repeat

I really should go to bed, but as soon as I'm on my way to shut down my computer and head for my bedroom, I realise I need another cigarette. Then it repeats. And no, I don't want to go to bed with a cigarette, the thought of burning alive in my sleep doesn't tempt me. Oh wait, it kinda does! Thought aside, it's one of my rules: no smoking while lying in bed. Heard too many horror story's about that.

I just watched five episodes of the Buffy-series in a row, and I suppose those still flashes before my eyes. Especially moved by the sixth season episode "Life Serial" when Buffy tells Spike that she was in Heaven before her friends resurrected her, and that she thinks this world is hell. Well, not this world since the whole show is set in a fiction sort of town, but you get the point.

Now I have to hurry before I light another cigarette again, and history repeats itself again.

A will to escape

I have an undying will to escape to a better world. I take escapism to the extreme when I try to kill myself to get back to the fantasy world I lived in in a previous life. I hate this world so much that some days I can't even bare the sight of it. I don't know if it's because I compare Earth to Dala all the time, or if it's because I just got so much bad luck. I never really wanted to give this life a chance, not even from the beginning. I wanted to die already as a child, when I hid from the chaos in my closet at home or when I hid in the bushes from the chaos in school. I try, I really do try to make this life meaningful, but the wounds in my soul are torn open almost every day. And no matter how much I try, I'm always thrown into the chaos again. I don't believe in myself, I don't like this world or living in it, it's hell. The only hell I know.

Yeah, I guess it's just one of days. Again. I should count the days I'm feeling fine and see if it adds up to all the other days. My guess is that they don't, but if I count, over a year or so, I'd really know. Yes I want to know, cause I can't go on like this forever. No matter what, that isn't an option. I don't know what would be worse: Finding out that Dala is in fact real, but never being able to go back there - or finding out that it was never real to begin with, and I have no better place to go to, nothing to look forward to in this hell dimension.

For as long as I'm uncertain of where I will end up after death, I'm too scared of finding out on my own. What if I end up someplace worse? What if... In the midst of all this, I just wish there was no afterlife. Tell me it's all just a lie and that when we die that's the end of it all. Tell me I don't have a soul, that it's not a part of me that's immortal, cause I just want it all to be over. That when I die I will enter an eternal darkness, senseless, tasteless, without smell, without sound. Just a definite end, an end to all this. I don't want to be anywhere, not anymore. I didn't choose this, I didn't choose any of it.

Coming apart

Great, now I'm really hearing Satan talking to me. I know it's him, it has to be. But just saying that to myself make it sound... well, awkward. How can I hear Satan speaking to me? Shouldn't he like, be busy with other stuff than talking to me? I don't know. I heard him last night, or this morning when I had just gone to bed. I don't remember much of the conversation, but I asked him if my life really is worth living, if it will ever get better, how long I will live. He said that I would live for another four years or so, and it won't get worse, but it won't get any better either. I was too upset to ask him how I'd die, perhaps I didn't want to know, perhaps I already know. I cried myself to sleep.

Another thing is that my home Dala is changing shape to something negative. How? Cause I know now that some people there put me in this world as a punishment for something I did back there in Dala. They wanted me gone and it's becuse of something that I did in Dala that I was forced to be born in this world. Would they want me back there? Do I want to go back there? It almost feels as though... I can't believe I'm saying this... my fantasyworld is coming apart. Am I...? am I really psychotic? None of this makes any sense anymore! What the fuck is happening to me!?

Decay

In World of Warcraft there are demons, but not as playable characters. The Forsaken are somehow closest to my kintype, and my general state of mind. They are different in a way other races can't really understand. A part of them still identifies with who they were before. They are misunderstood, lonely. Those are just some of the reasons The Forsaken are the race that are most like me. But are they my favourite race? I don't know.

I suppose I wouldn't say no if someone told me there's a rpg-game somewhere where one can play as a demon.

It's smells like death in here. Decaying bodies. Sweet, metallic, sour, rotten, mold. It's the worst of smells, clinging like acid in my nose, and I don't like having it in my apartment. It's disgusting, but I don't freak out over it. I doubt there's corpse in here, even though I can't think of another reason. It's probably just in my imagination.

I'm giggling over a fly skidding over my cell phone screen. It's a little greecy, but I didn't think flies could skid over a surface like that. Reminds me of some tv-show I saw in the psych-ward where they pointed out that flies can stand firmly on basically any material. Then I told the people working there that I see flies having trouble with their balance on my cell phone screen. They didn't believe me.

Senses

It's half past four and I've drank too much vodka. If I say too much I'll end up deleteing this tomorrow. But I guess you've already figured out I'm drinking too much again. Popped a couple of Citodon as well, only have two left and started thinking about getting more of those. I shouldn't though, and I'll probably come to my senses again about that when I'm sober and hungover.

Haven't drawn anything in a few days. I just don't care. I've been writing some more today though, not so much constructive writing though, but still. Thought a lot too. Mostly that usual trying to figure out myself and my mental problems kinda shit again. I bet you're all tired of reading about that by now. But what else should I write about when that is the only thing I have on my mind? Maybe you're not tired of it.

I'm spaced out, tired and my mind is dulled. I like it, but I won't be able to keep myself awake for much longer. Maybe I shouldn't either, sleeping is a good thing that I all to often neglect. Okay, I'm out of words, good night.