For better or worse

I'm dropping so many hints to K which confuses him and then I take back the hints. I'm sensing a problem here... But I do think he suspects something, but that he isn't sure and every time I do drop a hint it's like he just gets closer to more than just suspecting it. And then when I take back the hint it's like he might think he was wrong to suspect anything. Damn I must confuse him a lot in all this. It's not my intention, but it's like I can't just sit back and completely hide it. I don't want it to come as a shock for him. That if I drop enough hints he'd suspect it and maybe he won't be so surprised when I drop the bomb. That's the plan, at least.

I'm feeling a bit better now, though most of my day was kinda crappy. Too bad I need to go to bed soon. At least I got a few hours of almost peace of mind now. Because K. He does that to me. He makes me feel better and sometimes I make him feel better too. Though I think it's better when I make him feel better than the other way around. Cause I care more about his well being than my own. It comes second but at least it comes at all.

The worst that could happen

I sold my soul to the devil for his love, he can't not love. I swear I'll stop being a Satanist if that is so, because then it was all just a sham. But maybe I would need Satan more than ever if he rejects me. I've been thinking about that too. I've been thinking about a lot of things, but it's never enough.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I fall apart, rise up again and fall apart even harder the next time and so on. It's so painful and I'm tired of fighting. I can't even deal with seeing other people in love, couples, or even just hearing people talking about it. It hurts too damn much and I hate it. Whenever there are people kissing I have to look away, but it still stings like I'm being stabbed.

Why am I feeling this way? Why am I always such a fool for love, why can't I ever get to be happy if I'm able to fall so hard for someone? What is it all good for, or is it just meant to hurt me? I give and give and give but there's nothing for me to take. I know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts just to breathe, that they mean the whole world and beyond it to me, that it doesn't matter what they do think or say I'll still love them unconditionally, I know what it's like when love devours you completely and you're so lost in it you don't know how to act or think straight. I know it like the back of my hand but what do I get in return? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing except maybe a pat on the back and a wish of good luck next time. Yeah, right. There won't be a next time, I'll make fucking sure of it. Cause no matter how happy I am, I can't live with this heart of mine. I wanna tear it out of my chest and smash it into something unrecognisable before I end my own life. Cause if this doesn't go well, I'm done, I'm so fucking done. I know I talk about this a lot, but I just want to make sure that you understand the huge risk it means for me to tell K what I feel for him. I will jump off and either I'd fall or fly. There is no in between, there is no third option. He makes my life worth living, what would I be without him? Do you understand how dangerous that is?

Maybe, if I would survive it somehow... I don't know, cause I think that would be worse than death. I'd lock myself up somewhere, far from anyone I know, in complete solitude. Screw my family, screw my friends and screw LSS. To never be near another human being ever again. That, or I'll just stop feeling anything entirely. Become a shell. Because it's too scary for me to think about jumping off a building, because I don't want to do it. I'm not suicidal, I'm just trying to figure out a way to deal with the worst that could happen. I love him so, so, so much that I can't accept that I won't ever be able to be with him. I just can't.

Kill me and set me free

I can't deal with this. Do you love me or not? "Maybe" isn't an answer to this question, you've gotta know and you've gotta tell me. Shit I'm crying. I wish too much, dream too intense, longing too deeply, love you unconditionally and hope too high. Where are my senses? Have I completely lost touch with reality? You don't love, and I believe it this time, but I just can't kill my hopes, can't kill my dream. So I'll let you do that for me instead. I don't think I can survive yet another heartbreak. I don't want to be mean, but if you reject me, you would kill me.

I will tell you, someday I will, but I don't know how or when. I will never dare to, but I just have to suck it up and do it anyway. With lethally fast heartbeats, sweat, tears and tremblings to the point of fainting. Maybe I would pass out, but I just need to get it over with. I'm gonna see my shrink again the 12th of August, and at that time I will tell her how opening myself up to you went. That is two weeks from now. Wish me luck?

I'll try to plan around it, figure out what to say, figure out how to not faint in the process of telling you. Drink water, focus on keep breathing and what not that I'll likely forget when it comes to the true moment of the scariest thing I can ever imagine doing. I would rather go bungy jumping, jump from an air plane with a parachute, get lost in an underground cave in total darkness, or kill my family. It is THAT scary, you can't possibly imagine. Of course I will faint and you would weirdly look at me as I fall into darkness when you reject me. Please hold me and tell me we can still be friends?

I'm trying to imagine the worst that can happen, what would be the most horrible reaction to me telling you that I'm in love with you? Would it be you not believing me, attacking me in some way, break down and cry, saying something incredibly mean to me that would make me regret it, or yelling at me to leave and never ever come back or talk to you again? I don't know. I think it's more likely that you will reject me than that you would tell me that you want to be with me too, or that you would be willing to just give it a try. Heck, I could even accept the answer that you're not ready for a relationship again and that you want to wait a little while.

Damn, I want to self harm so bad right now, and not just with alcohol. I want razor blades or scalpels or knives, something sharp and possibly deadly if not handled right. "Right" as in not cutting off arteries or half my leg/arm or where ever the fuck I want to carve myself up. Thighs seems like the best place because that's the only part of my body that I always cover up now since I've started walking around shirtless and only wearing knee long shorts and sandals. Even if I'm gonna go swimming bathing suit shorts would cover up my thighs too. Well, I'm gonna have to think about that before I start digging around in my apartment after sharp objects.

If you wonder what's happened, I'm sorry I can't say, but of course it involves K and it tore me up pretty badly, even though it's probably (hopefully) nothing.

"Kärlek är som en vässad kniv
i onda händer tar den liv
Du blev blek som döden när du förstod
att det mörka röda är hjärteblod"

My Swedish speaking readers will understand that quote and if you're reading this, my best friend, you will also know where it comes from. It speaks to me right now and I can't stop listening to that song. Well, translated it would be something like this (but mind you, I'm not that good at finding good translations): "Love is like a sharpened knife, in evil hands it's taking lives, you got pale as death when you understood, that the dark red is heart blood".

I haven't listened to that song for years, I've forgotten how good it is. Love is really about to take my life, you know. Especially as I'm getting more and more used to the fact that this won't turn out well for me. As usual. I'm used to being rejected. The only two times I was loved in that way was when I accepted the offer from two stalkers. Never ever has someone I liked started liking me in that way after. I don't think it's possible. Only crazy people could think they're in love with me. I'm not very loveable and especially not by the one person that matters to me the most fucking ever. Why would he ever look at me in that way? I'm not killing my hopes, my hopes are killing me.

Stay with me

I try to reach out but you're so far away. Figuratively and literally. All I want to do is let you know that I care about you so incredibly much you have no idea, that it pains me when you're in pain and that I'll always be there for you. That I promise to do the very best I can to make you feel better. If you take my hand I will never let you go. But you won't believe me if I told you, cause I don't think words would be enough.

I'm afraid I could lose you, that one day you won't be here anymore, the unspeakable isn't unthinkable. I would die if you leave. I'm scared and I shiver in this heat, but I'm calm somehow. Cause somewhere in my heart I don't think you would do it. You wouldn't leave your pet or the few friends you have that actually care about you, would you leave me? Here you have a person who is completely devoted to you, always listens and is there for you at all times. Even if you don't love me, even if anything, I won't let you go. You're the most amazing person I know and that is saying a lot.

I think you know that I care about you, somewhere in your heart, even though you don't say it. This isn't about me or my stupid feelings for you, it's about you that I cannot live without. You shouldn't have to suffer, my love. I want to be near you, but if you want me to stay away I will do so. But if you try to push me away cause you think I don't really like you, then I'll stay put and make sure you know the truth before I do anything else. You need someone who stays with you in your darkest hours and I want to be that someone, no matter how hard it would be. If you'd only let me.

I want to tell my best friend about this, how your suffering affects me so badly, I need for her to understand how hard this is for me. I'm tired of discussing it with my mother, tired of talking to her about anything important. I've heard her opinions a thousand times and I need my best friend in her place. But I don't know if it's okay for me to mention that to my best friend. I shouldn't jap my mouth about you, or your suffering. It's yours and I don't think you would want me to tell the whole world, or just one person.

But I can't deal with this alone. My shrink doesn't understand, when I walk out from her office after a session I just feel empty. Drained, tired and even more clueless. Perhaps it's a problem no one can do anything about, perhaps it's all on me. All I care about is you and your well being, so to the point that I sometimes forget about my own well being. And I can't reach out to you. I just write to you and then sit here and feel utterly helpless. This distance is killing me; I can't go to you, I can't look you in the eye and give you my promise, I can't take your hand and sqeeeze it lightly, I can't let you see my tears; and I just want to be there for you but I don't know how. You're pushing me away, but I can't stand back. I can't, I just can't.

Friends and acceptance

I'm getting more and more tired of Facebook. Everyone's statuses and all the posts from pages that I like and don't care to do anything about. Basically just about everything that comes up on my news feed. When I'm up for it I think I'll delete some of my friends from my friends list, people that only bother or bore me with their mere existence. No offence it's not really personal, it's just that I've become too picky about who I want to share my life with. As you may or may not know, I'm very open on Facebook, letting people know the real me and I'm comfortable with that.

I do feel the need to be open with those I still consider my friends. It's just that not many people are what I consider friends anymore. Because we've lost contact, don't quite care about each other or we're just acquaintances and never speak. Or I'm just fed up with all the crappy posts you make. No, I will most certainly not say any names, cause that just wouldn't sit right with me. I'm sure you understand. I don't want to talk crap about decent people that I happen to know in one way or another. I just don't care anymore.

I'm moving on from the life I once had in Uppsala, cause I don't live there anymore. I don't feel the need to hold on to a past just because I have trouble letting go. That goes for the people I once knew too, you're in my past, not the present time, obviously. I don't know who abandoned who, because it didn't happen instantly when I moved away, it had already started about a year before then. I lost touch with many of my friends because I was getting tired of going to parties.

I made it very clear that it wasn't you I tried to avoid, it was the intensity, the booze and the fact that the only times we saw each other was when we were drunk. That's not a way to build a friendship. Doesn't matter if my mental age is higher than yours, I feel and felt the need to have friends whom I could meet in a sober state and do other things with besides partying. Was that too much to ask of? Apparently yes. I realised then that I had nothing to hold on to in Uppsala. Even my best friends who still cared about me didn't have time to see me. I started to believe that the constant studying and/or working was an excuse to avoid seeing me.

My self esteem was very low. I hated myself, my friends and the miserable life I was trying to withstand. After a while I just gave up, called my mother and told her that I wanted to move in with her and the rest of my family again, on Gotland, hundreds of miles away from my life in Uppsala. I'm not saying it's your fault, I just couldn't find a way to communicate or see you, I blamed myself and thought you all stopped liking me. That I was useless, just a waste of air and all the comfort food I ate at the time being. I could barely stand go on living and I had no one to talk to except my mother, I felt like I didn't matter at all to anyone, that you'd be better off without me entirely. Moving to Gotland was in some way an emotional suicide.

And people ask me if I like it here. I had nowhere else to go to get the help that I needed. I started to become a regular at the mental institution in Uppsala, I was withering away in my own filth cause I couldn't take care of myself, couldn't pay the bills on time, spent all my money way too fast so I had nothing left to buy food with for the rest of the month, I ate myself to overweight, couldn't feel anything for anyone or anything, took the wrong medication that gave me horrible side effects because the mental health care system sucked so bad, I was incapable and nothing I tried to do myself was ever enough.

I needed you, but you weren't there for me. Those three years in Uppsala certainly weren't easy for me, it was the worst and the best time of my life. At least the first two years, the last one was what I just described. That year I was only miserable. Sometimes I can't help but feeling like I'm legally incompetent. I know it's a harsh thing to think, but just look at my life situation. There's not much at all that I can do entirely on my own. I'm very dependent on the people around me, and I hate that so much there's just no words for it.

I've come to accept it less and less, I unaccept it. I don't take the help I'm given, don't want the help, I just want to be left alone from all the caretakers and my family. The thought of running away is constantly nagging at me. I just wanna disappear into the wilderness and live on air and water without any sort of social connections until I die from starvation or something. To live without LSS, money, possessions or anything. Just for a little while, just for a little while... I fight back, reject the help I'm offered and try to do things on my own instead. Perhaps that is even a step into the right direction, I don't know, cause I'm still incapable, the problem doesn't go away just because I want it to. I just want to live on my own terms, but I never will.

I'm stuck in life, not getting anywhere no matter how hard I try. Sneaking behind my mother's back to buy and do things she wouldn't allow me to like some rebellious 12 year old. I'm 25 and still living under my parents' supervision and I'm worse at caring for myself than a 12 year old. In fact they are quite capable, aren't they? I just suck at living and I don't think I'll ever be able to live a normal life. That's what disabled means, isn't it?

Words and what if's

I miss you, it hurts inside me cause I can't stand not being close to you. You leave marks, invisible but emotional ones. I wish there was something I could do about it. You're in my veins, you're under my skin. It's like I bring you everywhere I am yet you're never really with me. I think about it quite often, that what if you could see me right now, in almost every moment I exist in.

Everywhere I go, I carry that thought with me. What would you do or think if you could see me right now, or when I'm talking to you, when I play WoW or draw or go to the grocery store. Is that silly of me? I think a lot about telling you the truth, that I like you the way I do. I think about what you would answer. Sometimes it's a positive reply I come up with, sometimes negative and only sometimes it's a neutral answer that you give me in my mind. But it's just in my mind and it's never happened, not really. Maybe someday it will happen.

But I'm so afraid of your reaction to what I someday will have to tell you. One way or another and I dread it like hell. Still I need for you to know, I need to know if I've got a chance with you or not. This can't go on forever. I can't just sit here and wish and dream and hope for all eternity as you might end up with someone else along the way. Cause that would ruin so much. Shatter me. I'm so curious and so scared. I tried to tell you before. The opportunity was right but I just couldn't.

What if... something I just thought about recently, that what if you are/will be in love with me as well and none of use tell the other and we completely miss each other? That would be so devastating you can't imagine. Cause you are my reason to breathe, you're my fucking life force. My air, my blood, my reason to stay alive. Hoping for you is what keeps me going.

And I'm also scared that you would reject me for the sole reason that we live so far apart from each other. We could work that out, couldn't we? Just a little bit of planning, trying to make our travels back and forth as cheap as possible. You could stay at my place and I could stay at yours. It could be hard but definitely worth it. Cause you're worth every trouble in the world, you are my world. I just wish you feel the same. Or that if you don't, you could in the future. Preferably as soon as possible.

I'm needy and greedy, too frail to focus, too stubborn to let it go. I could never let you go. I wish you could see me right now (back to that thought). Me writing all of this about you while waiting for your replies on chat. Constantly checking and keeping my eyes open. Constantly aware of every single detail.

This day just went from good to bad to fantastic in a matter of heartbeats. Words, they do so much to me. Spoken or written, both can be quite intense. Though spoken words seem to have a slightly greater impact on me. Mainly if I can look the speaker in the eye and see their facial expression and such. And some things are even worth dying for. And by dying I mean living. But isn't it the same thing?

So what's up now? Sorry, but I can't really tell you. Just that K said something to me that really made my day. Our words just flowed tonight, as if we couldn't stop our thoughts and as if the conversation could go on forever. Or well, that's how I interpreted it. I'll just leave it at that for now.

A certain mindset

I had a lot of wacky dreams last night. This many hours later I don't remember much of what I dreamed, but in one dream in particular I was dressing up as female and everyone said "she" about me, and I didn't mind. I liked it. Knowing that I'm still a guy, I started having doubts in that dream. It freaked me out a bit when I woke up.

And later when I played as a female character in WoW other people from the guild called me a girl and I didn't mind it. I really don't have any doubts of any kind, and I think this thing in WoW just means that I'm getting comfortable enough to not react negatively when I'm being misgendered when I actually appear as female.

Cause I would still get furious if someone misgendered me in real life. If I didn't do drag then. Perhaps. I've only done that one time in public and everyone were just confused then. They didn't know how to gender me, knowing my back story and all. I told them that for only that night they could gender me however they liked, it didn't matter. I suppose transvestitism is a bit rare among transguys. Doing everything we can to appear as male, it's a bit out of the ordinary to want to be seen as female every once in a while without it invalidating our male identity.

I've been tapping into the otherkin stuff again lately. My curiosity about the subject still remains. Although not as strong as before, I guess. I wish that some day people will become more accepting and understanding of it. Mostly just accepting. That one day when I tell someone they will know what it is and accept that I am that way, and likewise for others who are also otherkin around the world. There will always be strange subcultures evolving in the world, so why does it have to be so damn hard for people to admit that?

You don't have to believe me, and certainly not approve of it. Just accept that that is my belief, just like with any other sort of harmless beliefs that I may or may not have. It is harmless and it doesn't really change who I am or how I act around you. I'm not threatened by my otherkin identity, and it isn't a threat to you or anyone else.

Being otherkin does not have an impact on the people around me. Other than my belief in itself. It's like an explanation for things I've already been doing my entire life. It's a "common" misinterpretation that I would start acting out and being my kin self full time all of a sudden, that I would use it as an excuse to do stupid things, whatever those could be. Like, okay I'm a demonkin. Demons are usually evil in the eyes other people, so that could cause them to think that I think I'm evil. But I don't, and I'm not.

I don't know if it's a delusion. I'm back on the lower dosage of my antipsychotic drugs and my ghosts are slowly coming back to me again. I hear them whisper that I should stop taking all of my medications. They say I don't need the meds, that I can get closer to them then. I do want to get closer to the ghosts, they're interesting in a boring world and I want to hear their stories. I'm thinking of lowering the dosage of some of my medications by the time I get back home from my trip to the main country.

It would be catastrophic if I was to stop taking everything all of sudden and all at once, I need to scale down a bit first. See how it goes. I hate being dependent on drugs and I want to explore myself further without the mist making it hard to see clear. I want my old self back, and I've been hooked on various drugs for almost nine years now. I've almost forgotten what it was like without them, before almost everything, in junior high.

Hints and plans

I should go to bed, but I don't want to. Simple as that. My thoughts are running wild today. So wild I can't keep up with then. I almost starve by only eating two small sandwiches with hours between then. Only or mostly cause I was too lazy to go to the store, and too lazy to cook something up from scratch. Not that I have that much to work with when it comes to food, but still.

Why do you have to be so far away right now? I almost outed myself on Tumblr. An anonymous person asked me if I'm in love and when I said yes they asked me if that person is on Tumblr, to which I responded yes as well. "Outed" as in maybe, just vaguely maybe, K could figure it out that it's him. If he doesn't already know, that is, which is a possibility. Like, how many of those I follow/my followers could I be in love with? Sure, I do follow 53 blogs and 98 people are following me, but still. There are only two people on Tumblr that I know. Or three, counting in my sister whom I forgot there for a second.

Aight, now I dropped another hint of who it could be. But if you'd figure it out, and confront me about it, I probably wouldn't be able to figure out what to respond. I might just as well completely deny it and tell you that you made a mistake. I'm complicated that way.

I did my laundry all by myself today. Haven't done that since fall of 2012. Seriously. It went fine though, and I didn't expect it to go bad or anything. I know the machines and routine well by now. Tomorrow I'm gonna clean my molding dishes and bleach my hair. On Monday I'm gonna bleach my hair again and cut it a bit. Just a tiny bit and you won't notice any difference. On Tuesday I'm gonna start packing and take out the garbage. Busy days before I head off to the main country on early Wednesday morning.

Just don't want to leave this place looking and smelling like an abandoned hog-pen. And I needed clean clothes to bring and also I want to look as good as I can, which I always want but maybe a little extra now. Mainly I dress and style my hair the way I do just for myself, but sometimes also a little bit for others. Just wanna be prepared for my trip, as much as I can be. Not forgetting to water my ivy either. Bringing everything I need, leaving the place someone neat, and looking good. Seems important to me.

I should try making some plans for when I've arrived. Set up some meetings with old friends, figure out which stores I wanna shop at, stuff like that. Seeing people. Kinda why I'm going there. On my vacation, the only kind of legit vacation I can get. If you can call it legit, that is. Anyhow, just gonna play some WoW now and then go to bed.

Not soon enough

I no longer think I might go anorexic. The sad truth, the horrible truth, is that I think I just wanted it. Why would I want such a hell? Well, I'm drawn to hells, in general. Drawn to horrible experiences, traumas, hard feelings, chaos and self destruction. I don't know why, it's just the way it is.

My mind wanders again. To hugging K, as usual. It's a common fantasy of mine. Those long, tight hugs you never want to release from, you know. If we ever end up hugging again, I hope I won't get too clingy. That has recently become a slight problem for me. Yes, I said "again" cause we have hugged already, twice. No, there are no words to describe how it was, except everything that rhymes with "wonderful". I'm so excited about meeting him again! So nervous already and since I don't know how many months ago. The longing just increases the closer we get to each other through chat. Damn.

My stomach does those little skips, you know. Like as if the butterflies are imbued with acid and they went crazy from it. Or like back-flips sort of. I can't stop thinking about when we're gonna meet and all I need to prepare for that. All the circumstances and planning. I don't want to say what it's about, so it's a bit hard for me being cryptic right now. A little tired, perhaps.

Still worried though, about where things could lead to when we meet. Don't know what I worry about the most though; if it's rejection or that nothing at all would happen cause I'm too damn shy and he could be completely clueless. That usually happens. I make advances and leave hints like leaves falling off a tree in the autumn but my interest ends up utterly surprised when they find out about my intentions.

I suck at flirting and that stuff just like most people, or at least I know I'm definitely not alone in this. I wish I was better at it, and I wish that it was easier for me to interpret other people's signals they're giving me. Is it friendship, love or are we just aquaintances? How should I know without a direct answer? I need for people to tell me, but I admit that that sometimes I tell them instead. Like "sure we're friends!" or "this isn't a relationship" or "we're not really friends, we hardly know each other".

That doesn't mean that I can tell where we stand, just that I clarify what it is I want and how I see that person from my own point of view. So, as far as I can tell when it comes to K, is that we are friends, no doubt about it; but I want more and I can't for the life of me figure out if he wants more too. Long distance relationship, or I could just pack my bags and head off to wherever he lives. It's all the same for me, but I'd prefer to be near him more often of course.

Just once a year, it's killing me. Violently, shaking me to pieces every single day, it's like I'm deprived from oxygen and I'm slowly dying. Hope. Only hope keeps me going. Without it I don't know what I would do. Without it I can't live. He is just as important to me as oxygen is for every living creature. I'm not exaggerating. Cause isn't that what love is? When your love for someone reaches a certain degree (yes, I do believe there are not just different kinds of love, but also different degrees of it; I've known that since when affection to another human being entered my mind in 2nd grade, even though it was too conditional to be called actual love) that certain someone can become your whole world, your life essence.

Today has been a good day, and I thrive in my love for him, sunlight, warmth and the smile on my face. I passed time playing computer games ther than and including WoW. Those free ones you can find of gametop.com really are something special. The graphic, the details, the stories behind every game at hand. And then I played with my old blood elf paladin in WoW as I realise that I have now "mastered" 5 different classes. Druid, hunter, priest, warlock and paladin - in that order. Next up is rouge, death knight or monk. I do so-so in those classes. I mean, I survive and got them past level 60, death knight past level 68.

Oh shit, I need to fix up my hair before I go to the main country. Re-bleach it and use white toner, stuff like that. It's just a little more than a week before I go. Yeesh how time flies, right?

Release me

Finally, my new Promarker pens have come! So now all of those kind of pens that I have won't room in the plastic container that the first 13 I got came in. I solved that problem by emptying my make-up bag and using it for the pens instead. Fits perfectly. So now I can finally draw light skinned humans, blood elves, gnomes, dwarves and so on without leaving the skin completely white or using pink or orange which to be honest looks pretty awful. I have three pens for "normal" skin tones now: brown, some cola/beige-ish and ivory which is very light/pale.

The make-up ended up in a cardboard box, by the way. I rarely use it and if I need to bring some of it somewhere I can put it in another bag for that particular trip. And I don't even use all of my make-up.

It's like I've lost the ability to care about most things again. Like something is slipping away from me, but I don't know what it is. Something vague, like a flicker. When I was at my parents' place again for about a week up until today, I didn't eat for three or four days there. I wasn't offered food and there was nothing that I wanted to eat. I just didn't care. Deafened the hunger with coffee and cigarettes so that was all I had those days. Only three or four cups a day to keep me going and my stomach silent. It worked like a charm.

But I was tired, irritable and fragile all the time. Like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode at any second. Sometimes I did. Other times it just drowned me. Mixed with sadness and sorrow, guilt and fear. Fear that I had fucked up, fear of something I couldn't touch. Guilt, sorrow and sadness over the same something. It tore me apart a few times, thinking there had to be something I could do but couldn't figure out what that could be.

I watched "Angel", played WoW, drew WoW characters and tried to not think about what was tearing me apart, but I couldn't let go, and I still can't. There's only one thing that I care about and it's taking up so much space that I can't breathe. Can't do anything, I'm just locked up trying to function but failing miserably because I can't stand my own fucking feelings.

I'm torn between wanting to increase my medication massively and stop taking it altogether. I hate the mist, but I want to disappear in it. Call it emotional suicide or whatever, I just don't want to feel anymore. Anything at all. Yet... I want to notice the world around me, I don't want to depend on medication, I want to see what it's like to be me fully and completely without the mist that the pills give me.

But it's not the time for that. For now, I can't unleash the ghosts in my head and the pain in my soul, cause it would be like releasing a flood by removing the barricades. It would drown me and everything in its way.