I need to say this, I'm not sure if you know anything about it. Please do not panic, this doesn't have anything to do with you, me or anyone we personally know. It's about Teal Swan on youtube. At first I was skeptical, then I fell for her openness, but always remained somewhat skeptical. I can still not claim to be able to confirm anything, but seems like things are not looking so good for her authenticity. I've come across several different people who have claimed she is in fact a fraud and or harmful which includes a lot of various accusations.
One of those accusations is that three people who took her advice have committed suicide because of what she told them. Right or wrong? Not my place to judge. Others have said that she promotes suicide with the claim that it has no consequences on a spiritual level, which they claim was the cause of her followers suicides. On a less severe note people also accuse her of having stolen and twisted ancient teachings (can't remember which one right now).
However, whatever the case is with Teal Swan, I do choose for now to not fully trust or join any side. All I'm saying is that I'll be more cautious when watching her videos and listening to whatever she's saying.
On another side note, I did come across a to me very interesting view on suicide and its consequences from one of these people's videos, from a spiritual perspective. It did actually manage to shake my numbness, and I do believe that is indeed something powerful because I have not been able to do so at all until now, despite trying very hard, for weeks now. Although I do realise now, that I've been watching the wrong videos entirely. I guess you could say that the message got through.
Now, no matter if that person was right or wrong about her statements, that is not important. I've come to the point with my trust issues where I think there's no point in just blindly believing complete strangers whatever they're saying, no matter the circumstances, how "believable" it sounds or doesn't, their body language or anything, but to focus on trusting the people that matter to me.
I can be shaken emotionally and on an intellectual level, by something I'm told, without putting any trust into it. I look beyond whether a statement is true or false and into what does it changes within me. Now this is very difficult for me to explain as well as I would like to, but I try. When I watched that video, what I felt was that something fell into place within me. Not because of what I was told, but because of what I already knew.
I don't know if I've told you this at some point, but it is my belief that every single bit of knowledge is already within us all. It's just that some have more access to more and different things than others, or more likely, they only think they got access to different things than others. That is however not me stating it as some kind of fact, it is just a belief. That our knowledge comes from within, but I do also think that interacting with others is just as important as interacting with ourselves to get access to that knowledge. I've had that belief for at least the past 10, maybe even 15, years.
But, back to the video, this person also said something else that also hit me hard. She said, that there are divine worlds out there (not earth then) where people live with a certain kind of enlightenment, but it is not the same kind of enlightenment that can be obtained here on earth. That the kind one can achieve here, is the ultimate form of enlightenment. That being put in a human body is basically the greatest gift to get to achieve that. (That also lead to her further explaining why suicide does have consequences, as she said that destroying one's human body is to not accept that gift, and karma will get you, but a bit more complicated than that). I hope I'm remembering this at least somewhat right, but if not I can easily find that youtube video again. However, what she said about those divine worlds, hit me hard because I think she spoke about Dala. That Dala very well might be such a place. I'll definitely add that to one of many possibilities if not else.
Was this a wake-up call? Can I somehow get back on track again and try to stop abusing myself as I've been doing these past two or so weeks? I cannot say for sure, but it definitely stirred something within me. I do realise I'm not giving you the full picture of my experience, but I'm so out of place these days I simply cannot. As I write I cannot give the details in the right order or precisely describe them. But my point is, that whatever happened within me, for just a moment, I could see my past, my present and my future exactly how they were tied together and all significant. All there, at once.
Now, if I can just pull my ass out of this damn chair and go do something about it, that is something different. I need more time to think and collect myself before becoming any means of social again, meaning I'll continue to stay offline for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow I'll feel up for talking again. I hope so. I have so much to say, perhaps mostly about other unrelated things though, but I never have the energy to bring it up. Hopefully, as I'll start to take better care for myself again, at least some of my these days quite horrible state of mind can be stabilised or something. Starting with going to bed at a more reasonable time than dawn. Then I'll take it from there.
Sunday, 30 October 2016
Monday, 24 October 2016
Not my day, apparently
So, today didn't have the best start even though I managed to get a couple of hours more sleep in the morning just before school. My headache is somewhere up at a 6, bordering to a 7 on a pain scale, I feel completely out of whack and my thoughts won't stop spinning. Everyone in my class got the assignment/question-thingy late yesterday that said "describe a situation in which you felt respected" and at school this morning everyone shared their stories except from me. Why? Cause I told the teacher that I was tired of discussing that issue and that I ignored the question/assignment.
Then when they asked me what I would be interested in doing with the class on one day at the holiday week (which is next week apparently) and I said I want to be left alone cause I need to rest. Also I declined participating in an art exhibition thing that I had said I was interested in before, but I said it was just too much for me right now so I decided to skip it. I'm increasingly trying to take better care of myself, rest as much as I can without entirely dropping out of school, and I just don't listen if anyone is against any of those decisions.
One classmate noticed my vibes or something today and she asked me how I was. I did tell her that I'm overstressed and emotionally shut off because of it, and she seemed to be understanding. I also talked a bit to other classmates mostly during cigarette breaks.
Aaaarghhh... of course there are troubles with my moving situation. So, my mother just made a phone call to Gotlandshem (the instance my new apartment is owned by, that I'd be renting from) and got some rather annoying news. My mother had been very clearly told this summer that if I wanted to get rid of LSS there was no way I could keep this apartment. Also she was told I do not have to keep paying for this apartment for 3 months after leaving it upon moving, but... now she was told the exact opposite of those things and there's no way my family could afford both rents for both apartments for 3 months. I asked her if the instance I get my money from and which also pays for most of my rent now couldn't possible help us out but she did not think so.
Now, as my mother called Gotlandshem from my apartment she didn't have access to look at my contract for this apartment (there was something important said in it that she needed to check but couldn't remember) she will continue talking to Gotlandshem when she's gotten back home and can look at my contract. And of course the two different instances, Gotlandshem and LSS, don't have any contact what so ever with each other and none of them knows what the other is doing. Great.
Now I'm feeling way too fucking dead to even be able to truly take all this in and I'm glad for that. I will try to not start worrying about it too much and let my mother help me handle this chaos and hope for the best. I truly can not deal with any of this kind of stuff. It would break me on a good day, these days it would disintegrate me. So I simply cannot take this kind of responsibility and take charge over the situation. I stand beside and try and not get too worried, it's all that I can do. This society and all its fucking systems are starting to really annoy me now. I more than just sensed how distressed my mother now is about this, it was like she just let go of everything and went home. Like the air just went out of her.
I don't know what to say or do, but to try to support her on an emotional level and try not to let this get me down as well. The issue is still not solved and there are one person's words against another's. I cannot know the outcome yet, all I can do is wait and hope this won't become an economical and legal disaster. I need to shut off some more right now.
Then when they asked me what I would be interested in doing with the class on one day at the holiday week (which is next week apparently) and I said I want to be left alone cause I need to rest. Also I declined participating in an art exhibition thing that I had said I was interested in before, but I said it was just too much for me right now so I decided to skip it. I'm increasingly trying to take better care of myself, rest as much as I can without entirely dropping out of school, and I just don't listen if anyone is against any of those decisions.
One classmate noticed my vibes or something today and she asked me how I was. I did tell her that I'm overstressed and emotionally shut off because of it, and she seemed to be understanding. I also talked a bit to other classmates mostly during cigarette breaks.
Aaaarghhh... of course there are troubles with my moving situation. So, my mother just made a phone call to Gotlandshem (the instance my new apartment is owned by, that I'd be renting from) and got some rather annoying news. My mother had been very clearly told this summer that if I wanted to get rid of LSS there was no way I could keep this apartment. Also she was told I do not have to keep paying for this apartment for 3 months after leaving it upon moving, but... now she was told the exact opposite of those things and there's no way my family could afford both rents for both apartments for 3 months. I asked her if the instance I get my money from and which also pays for most of my rent now couldn't possible help us out but she did not think so.
Now, as my mother called Gotlandshem from my apartment she didn't have access to look at my contract for this apartment (there was something important said in it that she needed to check but couldn't remember) she will continue talking to Gotlandshem when she's gotten back home and can look at my contract. And of course the two different instances, Gotlandshem and LSS, don't have any contact what so ever with each other and none of them knows what the other is doing. Great.
Now I'm feeling way too fucking dead to even be able to truly take all this in and I'm glad for that. I will try to not start worrying about it too much and let my mother help me handle this chaos and hope for the best. I truly can not deal with any of this kind of stuff. It would break me on a good day, these days it would disintegrate me. So I simply cannot take this kind of responsibility and take charge over the situation. I stand beside and try and not get too worried, it's all that I can do. This society and all its fucking systems are starting to really annoy me now. I more than just sensed how distressed my mother now is about this, it was like she just let go of everything and went home. Like the air just went out of her.
I don't know what to say or do, but to try to support her on an emotional level and try not to let this get me down as well. The issue is still not solved and there are one person's words against another's. I cannot know the outcome yet, all I can do is wait and hope this won't become an economical and legal disaster. I need to shut off some more right now.
Fear
Oh my fucking god! Just trying to process a short dream that I just had. It started out with the fairly harmless, witty joke: "This is is Scotty, don't ever call him Scotland." and I saw a lonesome man in a suit sitting down by a table in some kind of building. Could have been a café but looked more like a conference room. Then he pulled up the dead and badly rotten body of a man into his lap, feet first. The body wasn't clothed except from the crotch. The man apparently named Scotty then proceeded to carefully and slowly unwrap the dead guy's dick and I could hear at first a faint pounding from it, as if he was about to unleash some kind of monster from the layers and layers of fabric, then the pounding increased in strength for every beat... I managed to somehow force myself awake before the guy was finished with the unwrapping, and I knew exactly what his intentions was. I just shudder at the horror of it... But in case I'm not clear enough, I knew his intention was to put whatever was left of the dead guy's dick into his mouth.
Okay... moving on. Before that dream, I had a quite long, dark, complicated and confusing dream about us. I cannot possibly include every single detail of it for three reasons: 1) it's fading from my memory, 2) I'm too tired to write that much, and 3) I don't want to reveal way too personal details about you online. However, the dream kinda started with that you visited me in Sweden, suddenly you were just there. We half shared a very long night. I couldn't sleep so I went up to draw, but it was so dark in the room that I didn't see (or in any other way notice, apparently) that you later also got up because you couldn't sleep either. We ended up in separate rooms and by the time I was tired enough to crawl back into bed again, I noticed you weren't there. I tried to go back to sleep but was still unable too, I couldn't figure out where to you had gone. The next morning I woke up and some hours later you told me via facebook that you had gone back home again. It had for me been a misunderstanding that you had only planned on staying one night and I was pretty upset by the outcome.
Moving on into the same dream. I woke up at a party with no memory of how I got there or where I was. For some reason I couldn't figure out what language people were talking but I used English whenever I would talk to someone. It was a to me very strange party, dark, gloomy and the atmosphere was very intense. You were at the party too, blending into the mass of people trying to fit in all the many small rooms, while I didn't quite blend in as I was mostly just lost and tried to not lose you in the crowd, but what I was more afraid of, was losing you to the darkness of that party.
Basically, what was going on were a lot of heavy drugs, downright dystopia and people were losing their minds until they basically became just shells. They became deeply depressed, overdosed, dozed off and wouldn't wake up. Not technically dead, but lost. I lost my best friend in that dream, as I found her near the end of it, lost in that vegetative-state. I tried to wake her up but when I was told there's no use, I wrapped her up in blankets on the sofa she was lying in cause it looked like she was cold, shivering. And then I sat there, adjusting the blankets, for quite some time.
Mostly I ran around in the rooms trying to find you and not lose track of you. I tried to convince that please don't take more drugs. You were still able to walk around, even talk but not a lot, but you weren't coherent or showing any signs of emotion, and you didn't seem to recognise me or understand what I was trying to tell you. I often found you in the bathroom. You were then standing in line waiting for your turn, but you never got in there. So you just continued to walk around seemingly aimlessly. You changed clothes a bunch of times and I also often found you among a group of people who were your friends but they were strangers to me and I didn't trust them at all. They kept inviting you do to more drugs and lead you to different rooms all the time.
As I still couldn't figure out where I was I eventually asked a small group of not so heavily drugged people where I was, like in which country. They just stared at me as if I was crazy, but then I explained my situation and that I often used to travel between Sweden and Germany. Then they seemed to think I was alright so they gave me the answer that we were in Dortmund. (My memory is crappy so I just now had to google it to see if it was a real place or something my mind made up).
It wasn't until the very end of the dream that things finally turned brighter again. We were alone just outside of the building, breathing in the fresh air, when you suddenly told me that you wanted to show me, I'm not gonna say it straight out here, but what about you that you've been trying to decide if you would want for me to see or not, meaning in reality. In my dream you didn't wait for an answer but I was quick to stop you, I looked deeply into your eyes and told that it was not the best time or place to make that decision, I urged you to truly think about it. Cause although I was excited, it was more important that you would feel comfortable and not regret it if or when you'd sober up again. We sat there for a while as I saw you were trying your best to think in that situation. Eventually you did break through the drugs and slowly started to become yourself again. We embraced each other tightly and just couldn't stop crying.
Do I have some fear maybe, of losing you, kinda showing through heavily in my dream? I do think however that the drugs were just an example. There are many ways to lose someone. I am so glad for the happy ending though. Saved me from waking up in utter distress. Though it was very sad seeing my best friend like that in the dream. But for some reason I feel detached from that part of the dream, maybe because I refused to truly accept that she was gone. Then I was more affected by seeing in you in that state, watching you damaging yourself further, and feeling utterly helpless in the situation no matter what I did. That was scary to say the least.
Just finished my cup of caffeine free coffee and time is 6:12 am. I've already been up for more than an hour writing this and trying to remember. The dreams bring up more thoughts than feelings. They're there, but they're subtle. Don't know if I'll go back to sleep or not yet. I have school soon.
Okay... moving on. Before that dream, I had a quite long, dark, complicated and confusing dream about us. I cannot possibly include every single detail of it for three reasons: 1) it's fading from my memory, 2) I'm too tired to write that much, and 3) I don't want to reveal way too personal details about you online. However, the dream kinda started with that you visited me in Sweden, suddenly you were just there. We half shared a very long night. I couldn't sleep so I went up to draw, but it was so dark in the room that I didn't see (or in any other way notice, apparently) that you later also got up because you couldn't sleep either. We ended up in separate rooms and by the time I was tired enough to crawl back into bed again, I noticed you weren't there. I tried to go back to sleep but was still unable too, I couldn't figure out where to you had gone. The next morning I woke up and some hours later you told me via facebook that you had gone back home again. It had for me been a misunderstanding that you had only planned on staying one night and I was pretty upset by the outcome.
Moving on into the same dream. I woke up at a party with no memory of how I got there or where I was. For some reason I couldn't figure out what language people were talking but I used English whenever I would talk to someone. It was a to me very strange party, dark, gloomy and the atmosphere was very intense. You were at the party too, blending into the mass of people trying to fit in all the many small rooms, while I didn't quite blend in as I was mostly just lost and tried to not lose you in the crowd, but what I was more afraid of, was losing you to the darkness of that party.
Basically, what was going on were a lot of heavy drugs, downright dystopia and people were losing their minds until they basically became just shells. They became deeply depressed, overdosed, dozed off and wouldn't wake up. Not technically dead, but lost. I lost my best friend in that dream, as I found her near the end of it, lost in that vegetative-state. I tried to wake her up but when I was told there's no use, I wrapped her up in blankets on the sofa she was lying in cause it looked like she was cold, shivering. And then I sat there, adjusting the blankets, for quite some time.
Mostly I ran around in the rooms trying to find you and not lose track of you. I tried to convince that please don't take more drugs. You were still able to walk around, even talk but not a lot, but you weren't coherent or showing any signs of emotion, and you didn't seem to recognise me or understand what I was trying to tell you. I often found you in the bathroom. You were then standing in line waiting for your turn, but you never got in there. So you just continued to walk around seemingly aimlessly. You changed clothes a bunch of times and I also often found you among a group of people who were your friends but they were strangers to me and I didn't trust them at all. They kept inviting you do to more drugs and lead you to different rooms all the time.
As I still couldn't figure out where I was I eventually asked a small group of not so heavily drugged people where I was, like in which country. They just stared at me as if I was crazy, but then I explained my situation and that I often used to travel between Sweden and Germany. Then they seemed to think I was alright so they gave me the answer that we were in Dortmund. (My memory is crappy so I just now had to google it to see if it was a real place or something my mind made up).
It wasn't until the very end of the dream that things finally turned brighter again. We were alone just outside of the building, breathing in the fresh air, when you suddenly told me that you wanted to show me, I'm not gonna say it straight out here, but what about you that you've been trying to decide if you would want for me to see or not, meaning in reality. In my dream you didn't wait for an answer but I was quick to stop you, I looked deeply into your eyes and told that it was not the best time or place to make that decision, I urged you to truly think about it. Cause although I was excited, it was more important that you would feel comfortable and not regret it if or when you'd sober up again. We sat there for a while as I saw you were trying your best to think in that situation. Eventually you did break through the drugs and slowly started to become yourself again. We embraced each other tightly and just couldn't stop crying.
Do I have some fear maybe, of losing you, kinda showing through heavily in my dream? I do think however that the drugs were just an example. There are many ways to lose someone. I am so glad for the happy ending though. Saved me from waking up in utter distress. Though it was very sad seeing my best friend like that in the dream. But for some reason I feel detached from that part of the dream, maybe because I refused to truly accept that she was gone. Then I was more affected by seeing in you in that state, watching you damaging yourself further, and feeling utterly helpless in the situation no matter what I did. That was scary to say the least.
Just finished my cup of caffeine free coffee and time is 6:12 am. I've already been up for more than an hour writing this and trying to remember. The dreams bring up more thoughts than feelings. They're there, but they're subtle. Don't know if I'll go back to sleep or not yet. I have school soon.
Friday, 21 October 2016
On the topic of darkness
My mind is ravaging an endless flow of thoughts today. Most of them just pass through. But one thing I feel like bringing up is that I'm a lot more like Anna when I'm in this state, but I tolerate her less than usually. Now I think she's just an annoying bitch who should shut the fuck up cause I've had it with her insolence nonsense and utter bullshit. I curse more at her, insult her more brutally, but everything I say just runs off her like water on a goose. She's just as mean towards me and somehow it's astonishing to me how we can be so utterly horrible to each other and then just "whatever, coffee and a sandwich on that?"
(What I'm about to tell you I've never opened up about before, I want to warn you it is not nice. I feel less scared of my darkness when I'm in the state that I am now, I feel okay sharing this now. And I've been close to many times, but been scared to. I know you won't judge me, but I feel it is time to let you know the reality of my situation with Anna. Why I cannot truly just accept her as she is, why I can't stand her most of the time, why she cannot possibly be a guardian angel of mine.)
It's as if we've become immune to each others hatred and despise and foul language that it doesn't bother any of us anymore. Yes, we can be extremely horrible to each other, like that one time, 5,5 years ago, I think it was spring 2011 and we were 21 years old. She started our second war by actually raping me and in my defense I tormented her and she tormented me constantly for months afterwards. We called each other every horrible thing we could even think of, threw threats at each other (oh, but death threats and torture threats are just common daily life for us these days, but it was extreme back then). What eventually "ended" the war was that we agreed to a truce of some kind, because we both realised that we were stuck with each other and had to make our lives tolerable again. It was the only way we could survive.
Now how would such a rape even be possible? I don't know for sure if that word is exactly correct in this context, but what else should I call it? What happened, was that she took over my body, against my will, when we were having a verbal fight one day, I think it was February or March 2011, and well, she controlling my hands and all, me not being able to do anything but in thoughts scream at her to fucking stop, she... uhm... yeah, how to describe that delicately... brutally used my own hands (and other stuff I might want to add) in my nether regions to a painful degree. That fucked me up, but I haven't told anyone about it before.
Should I even count it as the third time of being sexually assaulted, or am I just that crazy? I was literally fighting against my own body, against my own mind. No, things were never truly "fine" between us again after that. I will never forgive her and she knows that. Who is the prisoner in who's head now again? We are dangerous in each others company, we are toxic to each other in sometimes a very high degree. But even if that can not in any way count as actual sexual assault, fact remains that it fucked me up to a considerable degree and it definitely fucked up my relationship to Anna. Is she evil? Hard to say, but she's certainly not good.
But I still believe that I need her, for utter selfish reasons. And I think I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her. She's not a real person, she's a figment of my imagination and I kept her for a reason. She still holds key information to my self discovery, and even though I hate her fucking guts, I still love her too.
So yeah, in some way, I guess one could say that I'm still holding onto an 18 years old abusive relationship with a part of myself. And whether or not you think what happened between me and Anna could count as rape or not, that was how it felt. I'm only using that word to describe how I perceive it, as I'm the only real person who can account for what happened. Because speaking of darkness, that's the really dark side in my situation with Anna. Luckily, it has not yet become darker than that, but it might also be as dark as it possibly can get, what do I know. She knows how to push my buttons, and she has no limit what so ever as to how far she'll go. That's the really scary thing about her. She can be so fucking ice cold that anyone in my situation would be running towards anything and anyone just to survive.
But, that's why I feel absolutely free to be cruel to her in return. I know she can take and if she cant, she definitely deserves it. Yeah, I know, this is very much a "fight fire with fire" -situation. Actually that quote fits remarkably well. But how are things really between us now, more than five years after that completely unforgivable thing she did? If or rather when she brings it up, things get heated. I might throw some random insults and threats her way, she gawks and grins and I scream at her some more. No one can win, that, or I lost many years ago.
Fact is it is very humiliating to me. I don't know about other people who have been sexually assaulted more than once, but after the first time for me, I was like... this shouldn't happen again, I should learn to defend myself *takes karate lessons for three years* - still ends up being assaulted a second time *not okay in the least bit of sense but I really, I mean really, should defend myself if I even remotely think things might lead in that direction again, this is getting humiliating* - it happens a third time *okay guess what I'm sick of this shit and if anyone as much as looks at me the wrong way I'm gonna get the fuck out of there or lose my senses completely and beat them up in advance* That's is just my emotional response, but my point is, that for every time, something has definitely been shooting more sparks within me, and yes, I am still putting some of the blame on myself cause it's just not okay for me to end up in that kind of situation three times. It's just not.
But however, now you know more about my darkness than I've been comfortable telling you about before. My situation with Anna is pretty damn screwed up, to say the least. I don't go around thinking "what happened that day should not be possible" because it did happen, but I know that going around talking about it, however casual or serious, most people would just think I'm utterly crazy beyond their belief. And I do feel ashamed, I do feel very humiliated and the whole event just took away so much of my own autonomy, my own power and control over my own body, that I just don't have words to describe it. How can I? Ultimately, she is my prisoner, and I am hers. I am not safe with her, but I'm so attached to her that I can't imagine living with the void within me it would become if she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Yes, our relationship can be truly toxic, if it isn't all the time. But no, I can't let go. She's a part of me.
(What I'm about to tell you I've never opened up about before, I want to warn you it is not nice. I feel less scared of my darkness when I'm in the state that I am now, I feel okay sharing this now. And I've been close to many times, but been scared to. I know you won't judge me, but I feel it is time to let you know the reality of my situation with Anna. Why I cannot truly just accept her as she is, why I can't stand her most of the time, why she cannot possibly be a guardian angel of mine.)
It's as if we've become immune to each others hatred and despise and foul language that it doesn't bother any of us anymore. Yes, we can be extremely horrible to each other, like that one time, 5,5 years ago, I think it was spring 2011 and we were 21 years old. She started our second war by actually raping me and in my defense I tormented her and she tormented me constantly for months afterwards. We called each other every horrible thing we could even think of, threw threats at each other (oh, but death threats and torture threats are just common daily life for us these days, but it was extreme back then). What eventually "ended" the war was that we agreed to a truce of some kind, because we both realised that we were stuck with each other and had to make our lives tolerable again. It was the only way we could survive.
Now how would such a rape even be possible? I don't know for sure if that word is exactly correct in this context, but what else should I call it? What happened, was that she took over my body, against my will, when we were having a verbal fight one day, I think it was February or March 2011, and well, she controlling my hands and all, me not being able to do anything but in thoughts scream at her to fucking stop, she... uhm... yeah, how to describe that delicately... brutally used my own hands (and other stuff I might want to add) in my nether regions to a painful degree. That fucked me up, but I haven't told anyone about it before.
Should I even count it as the third time of being sexually assaulted, or am I just that crazy? I was literally fighting against my own body, against my own mind. No, things were never truly "fine" between us again after that. I will never forgive her and she knows that. Who is the prisoner in who's head now again? We are dangerous in each others company, we are toxic to each other in sometimes a very high degree. But even if that can not in any way count as actual sexual assault, fact remains that it fucked me up to a considerable degree and it definitely fucked up my relationship to Anna. Is she evil? Hard to say, but she's certainly not good.
But I still believe that I need her, for utter selfish reasons. And I think I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her. She's not a real person, she's a figment of my imagination and I kept her for a reason. She still holds key information to my self discovery, and even though I hate her fucking guts, I still love her too.
So yeah, in some way, I guess one could say that I'm still holding onto an 18 years old abusive relationship with a part of myself. And whether or not you think what happened between me and Anna could count as rape or not, that was how it felt. I'm only using that word to describe how I perceive it, as I'm the only real person who can account for what happened. Because speaking of darkness, that's the really dark side in my situation with Anna. Luckily, it has not yet become darker than that, but it might also be as dark as it possibly can get, what do I know. She knows how to push my buttons, and she has no limit what so ever as to how far she'll go. That's the really scary thing about her. She can be so fucking ice cold that anyone in my situation would be running towards anything and anyone just to survive.
But, that's why I feel absolutely free to be cruel to her in return. I know she can take and if she cant, she definitely deserves it. Yeah, I know, this is very much a "fight fire with fire" -situation. Actually that quote fits remarkably well. But how are things really between us now, more than five years after that completely unforgivable thing she did? If or rather when she brings it up, things get heated. I might throw some random insults and threats her way, she gawks and grins and I scream at her some more. No one can win, that, or I lost many years ago.
Fact is it is very humiliating to me. I don't know about other people who have been sexually assaulted more than once, but after the first time for me, I was like... this shouldn't happen again, I should learn to defend myself *takes karate lessons for three years* - still ends up being assaulted a second time *not okay in the least bit of sense but I really, I mean really, should defend myself if I even remotely think things might lead in that direction again, this is getting humiliating* - it happens a third time *okay guess what I'm sick of this shit and if anyone as much as looks at me the wrong way I'm gonna get the fuck out of there or lose my senses completely and beat them up in advance* That's is just my emotional response, but my point is, that for every time, something has definitely been shooting more sparks within me, and yes, I am still putting some of the blame on myself cause it's just not okay for me to end up in that kind of situation three times. It's just not.
But however, now you know more about my darkness than I've been comfortable telling you about before. My situation with Anna is pretty damn screwed up, to say the least. I don't go around thinking "what happened that day should not be possible" because it did happen, but I know that going around talking about it, however casual or serious, most people would just think I'm utterly crazy beyond their belief. And I do feel ashamed, I do feel very humiliated and the whole event just took away so much of my own autonomy, my own power and control over my own body, that I just don't have words to describe it. How can I? Ultimately, she is my prisoner, and I am hers. I am not safe with her, but I'm so attached to her that I can't imagine living with the void within me it would become if she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Yes, our relationship can be truly toxic, if it isn't all the time. But no, I can't let go. She's a part of me.
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
The hidden showing through
I feel stranger the more I braid, and it's not the weight on my head. It's as if I'm changing by the minute. It reminds me of when I used to switch between what I called "light" and "dark" versions of myself. As if something triggered me, ticked me off the edge and parts of my mind are changing as a result of that. My lack of interest for the world around me is growing stronger, and I feel a strong urge to just hide away for some time. From school, from the German course I have no wish to attend to tomorrow, from social events, classmates and most of my friends. Perhaps all the stress lately triggered this somewhat dissociative state.
I feel difficulty connecting, both to myself and everyone and everything around me. As if they're all in another universe. I feel darker, less affectionate, further away. And I think it's just getting worse. I think it started already this Monday, as my impatience for the synthetic hair to arrive was... unusual, to me. I couldn't think clearly about it, it was as if nothing else mattered except from getting that synthetic hair. And now that I got it today, I don't feel satisfied, better or anything at all. I feel a certain coldness within me that freezes my every emotion.
When last I changed like this, it felt very much the same as it does now. Strange, yet familiar. Walking feels different, the face I see in the mirror appears to look different, my entire body feels different. My thoughts and feelings are changing. I did a quick sweep on google, as I had the word "depersonalisation" on my mind, and well, it seems to fit. Or I don't know, could that include a change in personality? I become insensitive, sometimes nearly cruel, although that's probably up for discussion. I care less about others feelings, generally, become more self absorbed, and yeah sometimes that leads to me being more snarky and I'm usually not exactly quick with saying sorry for being insensitive.
I am a bit scared however, where it might take me this time. I don't want for it to ruin anything between us, I don't want to hurt you just because I'm suddenly further from my real feelings. I am sure this state is temporary, but I don't know for how short or long it will last. It also scares me cause this is, in some ways, the darker parts of my personality that I'm otherwise working so hard on shoving away, hiding, drowning and denying. But now it's on (almost) full display and I'm scared behind my grin. Definitely not saying this is the "real" or "true" me, just that it's an usually hidden part of myself.
I'm split in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I wonder if I even have the guts to go to school tomorrow. This took a few days to unfold, but now it has fully broken through. Yes I've been taking it easy and not stressed myself since the end of last week or so, but I had no control over this. I didn't even know it was that which was happening until now. I don't even remember when last time was, but at least a year ago, maybe more. Please know that I do not love you any less, even my darkness loves you, it's just that it's more difficult for me to connect when I'm like this. The wall between me and everything else is thicker, even more difficult to break through.
I think divided myself like this, because I couldn't accept what I view as the darker parts of my personality, or of who I am. I believe, that by trying to shove those parts away as I've done for years, maybe even decades, in situations of being too stressed, it comes right back to me in full strength. Like bottling emotions, but perhaps a bit more complicated. This shows just how little control I have over myself. But is it even possible to divide myself like this, although unintentionally? I don't know what is going on, these are just theories. But whatever it is, I do think it is damaging.
First of all, it's hardly a good thing to shove away and deny personality traits just because I don't like them. Secondly, I'm so far away from reality when I'm in this state, that it has and can happen that I hurt people and walk away with a grin on my face, ice cold and not caring at all. It isn't until I get back to my usual self again, that I may suffer the consequences of my actions. There is a reason why I normally try so desperately to hide this part of me. It is not very nice. I will talk to my therapist about this on Friday, as I do have my next appointment with her then.
I feel difficulty connecting, both to myself and everyone and everything around me. As if they're all in another universe. I feel darker, less affectionate, further away. And I think it's just getting worse. I think it started already this Monday, as my impatience for the synthetic hair to arrive was... unusual, to me. I couldn't think clearly about it, it was as if nothing else mattered except from getting that synthetic hair. And now that I got it today, I don't feel satisfied, better or anything at all. I feel a certain coldness within me that freezes my every emotion.
When last I changed like this, it felt very much the same as it does now. Strange, yet familiar. Walking feels different, the face I see in the mirror appears to look different, my entire body feels different. My thoughts and feelings are changing. I did a quick sweep on google, as I had the word "depersonalisation" on my mind, and well, it seems to fit. Or I don't know, could that include a change in personality? I become insensitive, sometimes nearly cruel, although that's probably up for discussion. I care less about others feelings, generally, become more self absorbed, and yeah sometimes that leads to me being more snarky and I'm usually not exactly quick with saying sorry for being insensitive.
I am a bit scared however, where it might take me this time. I don't want for it to ruin anything between us, I don't want to hurt you just because I'm suddenly further from my real feelings. I am sure this state is temporary, but I don't know for how short or long it will last. It also scares me cause this is, in some ways, the darker parts of my personality that I'm otherwise working so hard on shoving away, hiding, drowning and denying. But now it's on (almost) full display and I'm scared behind my grin. Definitely not saying this is the "real" or "true" me, just that it's an usually hidden part of myself.
I'm split in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I wonder if I even have the guts to go to school tomorrow. This took a few days to unfold, but now it has fully broken through. Yes I've been taking it easy and not stressed myself since the end of last week or so, but I had no control over this. I didn't even know it was that which was happening until now. I don't even remember when last time was, but at least a year ago, maybe more. Please know that I do not love you any less, even my darkness loves you, it's just that it's more difficult for me to connect when I'm like this. The wall between me and everything else is thicker, even more difficult to break through.
I think divided myself like this, because I couldn't accept what I view as the darker parts of my personality, or of who I am. I believe, that by trying to shove those parts away as I've done for years, maybe even decades, in situations of being too stressed, it comes right back to me in full strength. Like bottling emotions, but perhaps a bit more complicated. This shows just how little control I have over myself. But is it even possible to divide myself like this, although unintentionally? I don't know what is going on, these are just theories. But whatever it is, I do think it is damaging.
First of all, it's hardly a good thing to shove away and deny personality traits just because I don't like them. Secondly, I'm so far away from reality when I'm in this state, that it has and can happen that I hurt people and walk away with a grin on my face, ice cold and not caring at all. It isn't until I get back to my usual self again, that I may suffer the consequences of my actions. There is a reason why I normally try so desperately to hide this part of me. It is not very nice. I will talk to my therapist about this on Friday, as I do have my next appointment with her then.
Friday, 14 October 2016
My selective empathy and its consequences
I've been trying to kind of stimulate my mind and work on my critical thinking by diving deep into youtube, of all places. I watch videos of people discussing different kinds of problems; personal, societal and world wide, in attempts to see where I stand. It is not to gain any kind of knowledge about the world, because it's mostly just opinions that don't define how the world actually is, and I don't care much about the world anyway. What I do care about is my place in it, being able to take in and sort facts from misinformation, and facts from opinions.
A lot of the issues I've been stumbling upon on that website is of course transgender issues, but also a lot of feminism, religion and some other political stuff. I believe my asperger is partially to blame for my habit of continuously taking things seriously and not being fully able to tell if something is meant literally or not. Partially I also blame my own selfishness and lack of interest in what's going on outside of my bubble. The real issues of the world still don't interest me, I find it boring to listen to/read about and I just continuously zone out whenever I try.
I have no ability to keep focus because there is no interest. The only bits of news that I do have at least some interest in, is what directly or to some degree indirectly, affects those around me that I care about. Like I don't give a fuck about, let's say a mass shooting in Colorado or wherever, because neither me or anyone I personally know is affected by it. But, I do have at least some amount of interest if what's going on in the world happens close to or directly to, someone that I know and care about.
My problem is that I don't feel collective empathy, meaning I can't feel empathy for complete strangers. An example to that is that if I would, say, watch a news clip about children starving somewhere in Africa, I feel absolutely no emotions, no empathy, no care, absolutely nothing, for those children. Same with strangers suffering in any other part of the world, even here in Sweden. Even in my own village. I have no sympathy, or empathy, for humanity as a species. I feel extremely disconnected from them, and this also applies to most other animals as well. That's why I don't generally care about animals getting treated horribly in for example the meat industry. Because I don't know those animals personally.
I don't think it is in any way a good idea to treat anyone or any animal wrong or in harmful ways, but I am definitely one of those people that just passively sit on my ass and don't give a fuck about the problem strangers are facing. If I have given the impression that I do care, it's because I have deliberately done so, out of fear. I pretend that I do care and blame my inactivity in society on other, totally unrelated, but yeah, believable things. I have done so since... I don't know, early teens, I think. I am scared of what consequences it might lead to if everyone knew the real reason why I am so passive in this society.
I don't think this is something that will ever change, I've always been like this, even in my childhood. I was more careless back then. Then I could bluntly say things like "I don't give a fuck about world problems because I don't care at all about those people. They can die for all I care". It had some reactions. People would mostly just laugh, others looked at me in horror, yet others tried to reason with me. They either didn't believe me or they thought they had misunderstood me somehow. I began to realise the problem with how I am in a society where most people do care for one another in ways I have never been capable of. So I began to pretend, make up excuses or avoid the topic altogether. I was afraid I would lose my friends, mostly. The few people back then who actually liked my company.
And sadly, I keep on with that charade, still afraid of the consequences. There's a lot of guilt and shame connected to this for me. I feel horrible for not being able to feel anything for strangers, so to the point where I can't stand myself and immediately just... dissociate away from the topic. That's a part of me that I have not yet come to accept, or even understand. I guess I could call it a form of selective empathy. Cause in other words, I can only feel empathy for people that I know and or like. That I am in some way or another directly connected to.
To me, most people are just a grey mass. I see that they're different from each other, I understand on a fact based level that they all have thoughts and feelings just like the ones I know, but I am cold. I can't understand that they are actual people, in a way, on an emotional level. I am emotionally cold and shut off until I get to know them. It doesn't happen instantly, that my emotions just turn on as soon as I say "hello" to a stranger, but it usually takes a bit of time. How long it takes depends on a lot of different things but it can take everything from a couple of months to years.
This is an issue that I haven't found any way to solve at all. I don't think it even can be solved, but only be learned to live with. I have one way of living with it, which is pretending that I'm not this way, but lately I've been beginning to realise that maybe that is not the best way. I have no idea what would be the best way. Or a better way, or even just a decent way that isn't shitty. Cause I do think that deceiving people is actually a quite shitty way of "dealing" with this. And most of all, I don't want to deceive you.
To clarify a few things: no, by watching/reading news and such does not affect me TOO much emotionally, it's the complete opposite which I can't handle, so I pretend that it's the other way around because that is something most people can understand and accept. I fear how they would react if I told them the truth. To be more precise, it is mostly affective empathy that I lack when it comes to strangers.
I have many times tried to say this to you, in person, on my blog and other ways, but I haven't been able to. Many many times, all the way from the very beginning. I am not afraid of your reaction now, whatever it might be, but I wouldn't know how to respond. I let down my guard. For all I know, it was like this way before I went through any kind of traumatic experiences, for all I know, I have always been this way, but of course I could be wrong. All I can say is that I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
A lot of the issues I've been stumbling upon on that website is of course transgender issues, but also a lot of feminism, religion and some other political stuff. I believe my asperger is partially to blame for my habit of continuously taking things seriously and not being fully able to tell if something is meant literally or not. Partially I also blame my own selfishness and lack of interest in what's going on outside of my bubble. The real issues of the world still don't interest me, I find it boring to listen to/read about and I just continuously zone out whenever I try.
I have no ability to keep focus because there is no interest. The only bits of news that I do have at least some interest in, is what directly or to some degree indirectly, affects those around me that I care about. Like I don't give a fuck about, let's say a mass shooting in Colorado or wherever, because neither me or anyone I personally know is affected by it. But, I do have at least some amount of interest if what's going on in the world happens close to or directly to, someone that I know and care about.
My problem is that I don't feel collective empathy, meaning I can't feel empathy for complete strangers. An example to that is that if I would, say, watch a news clip about children starving somewhere in Africa, I feel absolutely no emotions, no empathy, no care, absolutely nothing, for those children. Same with strangers suffering in any other part of the world, even here in Sweden. Even in my own village. I have no sympathy, or empathy, for humanity as a species. I feel extremely disconnected from them, and this also applies to most other animals as well. That's why I don't generally care about animals getting treated horribly in for example the meat industry. Because I don't know those animals personally.
I don't think it is in any way a good idea to treat anyone or any animal wrong or in harmful ways, but I am definitely one of those people that just passively sit on my ass and don't give a fuck about the problem strangers are facing. If I have given the impression that I do care, it's because I have deliberately done so, out of fear. I pretend that I do care and blame my inactivity in society on other, totally unrelated, but yeah, believable things. I have done so since... I don't know, early teens, I think. I am scared of what consequences it might lead to if everyone knew the real reason why I am so passive in this society.
I don't think this is something that will ever change, I've always been like this, even in my childhood. I was more careless back then. Then I could bluntly say things like "I don't give a fuck about world problems because I don't care at all about those people. They can die for all I care". It had some reactions. People would mostly just laugh, others looked at me in horror, yet others tried to reason with me. They either didn't believe me or they thought they had misunderstood me somehow. I began to realise the problem with how I am in a society where most people do care for one another in ways I have never been capable of. So I began to pretend, make up excuses or avoid the topic altogether. I was afraid I would lose my friends, mostly. The few people back then who actually liked my company.
And sadly, I keep on with that charade, still afraid of the consequences. There's a lot of guilt and shame connected to this for me. I feel horrible for not being able to feel anything for strangers, so to the point where I can't stand myself and immediately just... dissociate away from the topic. That's a part of me that I have not yet come to accept, or even understand. I guess I could call it a form of selective empathy. Cause in other words, I can only feel empathy for people that I know and or like. That I am in some way or another directly connected to.
To me, most people are just a grey mass. I see that they're different from each other, I understand on a fact based level that they all have thoughts and feelings just like the ones I know, but I am cold. I can't understand that they are actual people, in a way, on an emotional level. I am emotionally cold and shut off until I get to know them. It doesn't happen instantly, that my emotions just turn on as soon as I say "hello" to a stranger, but it usually takes a bit of time. How long it takes depends on a lot of different things but it can take everything from a couple of months to years.
This is an issue that I haven't found any way to solve at all. I don't think it even can be solved, but only be learned to live with. I have one way of living with it, which is pretending that I'm not this way, but lately I've been beginning to realise that maybe that is not the best way. I have no idea what would be the best way. Or a better way, or even just a decent way that isn't shitty. Cause I do think that deceiving people is actually a quite shitty way of "dealing" with this. And most of all, I don't want to deceive you.
To clarify a few things: no, by watching/reading news and such does not affect me TOO much emotionally, it's the complete opposite which I can't handle, so I pretend that it's the other way around because that is something most people can understand and accept. I fear how they would react if I told them the truth. To be more precise, it is mostly affective empathy that I lack when it comes to strangers.
I have many times tried to say this to you, in person, on my blog and other ways, but I haven't been able to. Many many times, all the way from the very beginning. I am not afraid of your reaction now, whatever it might be, but I wouldn't know how to respond. I let down my guard. For all I know, it was like this way before I went through any kind of traumatic experiences, for all I know, I have always been this way, but of course I could be wrong. All I can say is that I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Sunday, 9 October 2016
A decision
Oh seriously? It's 23:50 and I just woke up. Will take my meds and go back to sleep again soon though. But I dreamed about you, Y, and I didn't want to forget my dream. At the end of it I held on to a knitted hat of yours that you had broken in rage. I had been looking for it for hours because I knew you really loved it. And when I found it in pieces I fell into tears and couldn't stop crying. Before I had started looking for your hat you and I had had really nice closeness together, but in the middle of everything you just left. I couldn't find you and it was you I was looking for, until my mother told me that you had gone back to Germany. I was so upset that you had left without saying goodbye. But then I started looking for your hat cause I knew it was important to you.
You were staying at a very fancy hotel in Visby during your stay in Sweden to visit me, and damn that hotel was special indeed. It actually kept changing all the time and I got lost in it all the time. Sometimes it was a beautiful white wooden house with partial glass walls, sort of Victorian era inspired. Other times it was more like a fair with very strange attractions/rides that I can't even begin to describe, my memory is fading fast. Yet other times it was more like a psychiatric ward with endless corridors with white doors, a nurses' office a cellar with clothing stores and such with limited access depending on how well you behaved at your stay there.
The whole dream was packed with details, mostly surrounding that hotel, but also with what was happening. It was extremely intense and overwhelming with all different kinds of thoughts and feelings. It... I can't compare it to anything else. It felt very unique. And also very important that I tried to write it down. I think one aspect of what it means is that with you, nothing's ever boring and things keep on happening. The other thing is that it helps me come to terms with the most recent decision I've made. It's regarding my eating disorder, not just the latest relapse but all of it.
However, my decision is that on my next appointment with my therapist, I'm gonna ask her to help me. To fix a contact (a new one cause I can't stand the person I saw for that in the past) to finally really help me deal with my eating disorder for good. I will be making it clear that I won't be staying at a psych ward on my own free will, but I'll be willing to work with this in out patient care. And I mean really work with it. And I won't settle for seeing a dietitian and then someone else just to discuss my food habits until I eat normally again. No, I will try my very best to push for getting help on the emotional level as well, to deal with all these thoughts and feelings that have been tormenting me for the past two years now.
It wasn't a very easy decision for me to make, but I think it might be just what I need. I don't think I can crawl out of this pit on my own. I knew you were right about everything you said but it was not what I wanted to hear at the time of our conversation. That's why I got angry. Part of the reason, at least. I think reaching this decision was me kinda managing to look beyond the eating disorder and into my real wishes and dreams. And those dreams and wishes can't include an eating disorder. I still think we should talk again, but I also think that me sending this message out to where you can read it before won't be a bad thing. I got the general idea of what I should do a couple of days ago, but it took me this time to come to terms with it and to realise it's also what I want and need. Or like maybe it's the only reasonable thing I can do. I won't fuck up my life like that again, I truly do hope and want to believe. Or rather, it's what I want to work towards.
You were staying at a very fancy hotel in Visby during your stay in Sweden to visit me, and damn that hotel was special indeed. It actually kept changing all the time and I got lost in it all the time. Sometimes it was a beautiful white wooden house with partial glass walls, sort of Victorian era inspired. Other times it was more like a fair with very strange attractions/rides that I can't even begin to describe, my memory is fading fast. Yet other times it was more like a psychiatric ward with endless corridors with white doors, a nurses' office a cellar with clothing stores and such with limited access depending on how well you behaved at your stay there.
The whole dream was packed with details, mostly surrounding that hotel, but also with what was happening. It was extremely intense and overwhelming with all different kinds of thoughts and feelings. It... I can't compare it to anything else. It felt very unique. And also very important that I tried to write it down. I think one aspect of what it means is that with you, nothing's ever boring and things keep on happening. The other thing is that it helps me come to terms with the most recent decision I've made. It's regarding my eating disorder, not just the latest relapse but all of it.
However, my decision is that on my next appointment with my therapist, I'm gonna ask her to help me. To fix a contact (a new one cause I can't stand the person I saw for that in the past) to finally really help me deal with my eating disorder for good. I will be making it clear that I won't be staying at a psych ward on my own free will, but I'll be willing to work with this in out patient care. And I mean really work with it. And I won't settle for seeing a dietitian and then someone else just to discuss my food habits until I eat normally again. No, I will try my very best to push for getting help on the emotional level as well, to deal with all these thoughts and feelings that have been tormenting me for the past two years now.
It wasn't a very easy decision for me to make, but I think it might be just what I need. I don't think I can crawl out of this pit on my own. I knew you were right about everything you said but it was not what I wanted to hear at the time of our conversation. That's why I got angry. Part of the reason, at least. I think reaching this decision was me kinda managing to look beyond the eating disorder and into my real wishes and dreams. And those dreams and wishes can't include an eating disorder. I still think we should talk again, but I also think that me sending this message out to where you can read it before won't be a bad thing. I got the general idea of what I should do a couple of days ago, but it took me this time to come to terms with it and to realise it's also what I want and need. Or like maybe it's the only reasonable thing I can do. I won't fuck up my life like that again, I truly do hope and want to believe. Or rather, it's what I want to work towards.
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