Decoding my brain

I seem to be bored. What an odd feeling. How do I deal with that? There is nothing to think about, nothing I feel like doing. I've slept through most of the day, yet the darkness doesn't bring me that familiar rush of inner energy. Probably nothing to worry about, but I just don't know what to do with it. What do people do when they are bored? Should I keep doing what I usually do, try to write something or watch a movie? I don't know.

I found myself purposely watching horror movies yesterday to invoke nightmares. That's another thing I don't quite understand. Why would I want to have nightmares!? Is my life really that dull? Or did I have just a little too much insanity with that super strong coffee yesterday? Beats me.
Or... Perhaps it was an obscure attempt to control my dreams, or rather what I was going to dream about. Come to think of it, that actually makes some sense! Senseless sense, but still sense. I could do a test like that. Decide for a new movie I haven't seen before, in a specific genre to watch just before I go to bed and then evaluate the results of which effects the movie had on my dreams. I think I will try that!

Even I don't always understand my complicated brain, appearently... It's like it's giving me encrypted messages that sometimes takes days to decode. My subconcious has me on a leash, and sometimes it tugs it for no appearent reason. Then I have to figure out why and what it means. It's definately interesting, trying to decode my own brain. Cause there's so much of it that I don't know or can't interpret. Maybe it is like that for other people as well, but I have a feeling most people aren't thrilled to get lost in the labyrinths of their thoughts, dreams, fears, emotions, experiences, ideas, secrets and regrets to this extent. Cause I do enjoy it, most of the time. Especially when I figure something out or find something I didn't know about before, or just get a new angle on a matter. The reward doesn't have to be clear for me to be satisfied with it.

I try to figure out what I should torment my new psychologist with at our next meeting (whenever that is gonna happen). Of course the trans team in Huddinge can provide with someone for me to rant with, but that would be inconvenient considering the travel distance. Things have been standing rather still in Visby lately, or I mean that I haven't had a personal contact person to see every week. I kinda need to lash out on someone who won't blab it to my parents and knows how to deal with unstable people giving up on their lives more often than they get a grip on themselves.

So the crew isn't really optional, I'm tired of scaring them with my crap. They don't know how to react or what to say and it leaves a lot uncomfortable silence and I feel like a monster or a creep and such. I feel like I'm just replacing my burden instead of being relieved. They are not equipped to handle that heavy stuff, and I don't like to put them in that sort of situations either. This might seem weird or insensitive, but I'd rather go to bed knowing my psychologist is staying up unable to go to sleep because of something I said than someone who is not getting paid to hear those sort of things. Maybe that isn't weird or insensitive, by the way. Cause that's what therapy is like, right? That's what psychologists are there for, right?

I just wish therapy in Sweden could be like therapy is elsewhere. You know, where they actually want to deal with your crap and don't just put up with it.