Light and darkness

Maybe learning about life and living is misery. Understanding misery and all the degrees of darkness. I'm inherently drawn towards it, everything from depression to murder fantasies. Because there is so much to learn about darkness and chaos, but so little to know about light and order. And maybe I already know about that stuff? I know what it's like to be so high on love you can't see world underneath the clouds, to have a place to call home so fantastic it's just not true, to feel absolutely content and complete with yourself and who you are. Well, I knew that once, back in Dala.

But the funny thing is though: For me it took hundreds, maybe thousands of years to understand and rely on a world of pure happiness. Something so simple and rather condensed. But only one human lifetime to understand and accept a world of chaos and darkness. Something so complicated and infinite.

We don't believe in true love before we see it and feel it, and it might take years to fully understand it. But as soon as we see or feel pain, we instantly believe in it, and it takes less than a second to understand it. We might experience happiness for a very long time, but still not trust it to last. But if we suffer for just one, short time, we are almost certain it will last. That is why I think it takes so much longer to learn to live with what is positive, than it takes to learn to live with what is negative. Because you can't let go until you give your trust to what your life is, and believe in it.

So that is what I need to do, in order to be able to learn how to live. It's not about gaining experiences or finding better coping mechanisms - it's about finding a way to live with pain without coping mechanisms. But is that even possible? That through only acceptance, understanding and trust be able to live in misery? I haven't really figured it out yet, but I think I'm on to something.

That coping mechanisms is a way to escape, and we shouldn't escape, but rather stay in the moment. And that is what I'm doing, partially subconsciously, by ranting and digging into my depths, digging new holes basically. Because I want to find a way to survive and live through the painful episodes, deep within them. To go as deep as possible and still be able to find my way back. And once I can learn, truly learn to live with pain, I won't need to resort to self harm, medication, therapy and special service residents.