24/7

It's like... why am I always there for him but he's never there for me? This is the first and might as well be the last time I ever complain about this. Cause I'm literally there for him as close to 24/7 as I possibly can. I'd miss school for him, I'd neglect family, other friends and hobbies for him. I'd even neglect sleep for him. Anything really. But what do I get? Maybe one, or top two replies a week. I don't feel... necessary to him. I feel like I do matter, but not as much as he matters to me. Not even close.

And I just keep on pining for him, I keep breaking in pieces and the pieces turn to dust. I've been collecting the remains of my heart for a long time now, it was broken before I fell for him. Now he's literally my world and I don't know what to do. I can't let go, I refuse to. Not now, not when we're so close to... I can't say it, it's between us. If your first name starts with a K and your last name now starts with an H, I will tell you and only you because I trust you that much, but one one else.

I just feel so damn lost here on this god forsaken island, I wish I could go back in time and to never have moved here. I could be with him right now if I would have stayed. Maybe not, cause it would still be miles away, but still.

I sit here in my make up that has mostly run away because of all the times I've tried to purge but not succeeded, in my jacket I got from a very close friend of mine who's name starts with an M and I try not to break apart. Because I miss K so much it hurts inside me like knives all over.

I try to reach out to him, I always do, in a million ways, but he rarely responds. I know, I do know why and I respect it, I accept it but I just... I can't help how very much I crave his presence.


I really want his name tattooed on my hip. I want it so badly. But I should ask for his permission first. I'm jumping far ahead and it might scare him. I don't mean that I'll always be his or that he'll always be mine, I just want him with me for all eternity.

It's like it's not real before it's under my skin and it's like I want to prove to... I don't know who... that it truly is real.

I'm too drunk to be thinking at all tonight. I drank so much vodka and absinthe, I mean god damn... I'm gonna go to bed now, see you later, or something.

Love of my life

I met this guy on tumblr, and he seems to like me a lot. Also seems to be ftm as far as I can tell, but I haven't actually asked anything about it. He just wrote me a poem and I don't know what to do quite with myself.

How come really nice strangers come to me like flies to sugar sometimes but I can't get the ONE guy I actually want? I'm doing everything right. Or am I? Cause sometimes I doubt that I'm doing everything right with K. I try not to lie, to not keep important information from him. He's always the first to know when something new is up in my life. I try to be there all the time for him but the thing is: he's never there for me.

And it hurts, cause I need him so fucking much and he's basically never there. I know he's not well, and I want to be the strong one between us two, I want to take care of him at the best of my ability, but don't I too get to get taken cared of sometimes? I'm not well either. Now I'm not asking for an extra shrink, all I want is his shoulder to simply lean on when it's extra rough for me.

We've been close friends for at least 6 months now and good friends for much longer than that. I know, I just know that things are going in the right direction although slowly and I really hate to complain, but my aching need for him is kinda turning into a searing pain that I simply don't know how to handle.

Of course it's Valentine's Day coming up closer and closer, slowly choking me from where I am. And I just need him so much that day it's like I don't know if I can hold solid without him that particular day. The time draws near and I don't know what to say to him. I wish he would come to me, ask me to come over to the main country just to see him. I would be over there in a heartbeat, and he would (hopefully) know that he can count on me. Whatever it is about.

Have I ever judged him? Have I ever laughed at him, thought something mean about him, ever done anything wrong? Yes, well I have done something wrong, but I would literally do anything I can to make up for it, if at all possible. I would do it even if it's not possible. He doesn't yet know about that mistake, but my heart tells me that it would be the right thing to tell him one day. And you should know I kick myself bloody almost every day for that horrible mistake that I seem to have done not once, not twice, but fucking three times. I suck so bad and I honestly feel like I don't deserve him.

Cause I honestly believe that I'm a bad person compared to him. Yeah, I already get mad at him sometimes, but it's all forgiven. Anyone can be annoying, even the love of my life. That's what I mean: I know that he's not perfect, yet I love him endlessly and all his faults too. I could literally live with all his faults for more than a lifetime and be the happiest person on Earth.

I know that it's real. When I've in fever dreams imagined telling him that I will always stay with him, that he can always count on me and I'll always be there for him in every single way I can and I wake up and know that is still true. I'd rather die alone than stop waiting for him. In May, 2 years will have passed and I still somehow love him more for every single day that passes.

And he's not even with me to know or experience it. In my aching heart, I can't help but wonder: will he ever know the true love that I feel for him, before everything is too late? I'm so scared, day and night, that everything will one day completely fall apart. I will deny every request I'll ever get from other people to be with me. Sexually, romantically or both. I want no one's hands on me but his, and my heart belongs to no one else than him. No matter how fucking shattered it is, every single piece of it belongs to him. Every. Single. Piece.

I'm not fine

Damn, I thought this was a good day, or at least not a crappy one. Guess what I just did? Threw up my food. It wasn't even that much. But I'm getting better at it. Managed at my second try. Then had one other go at it and that had to be enough. It's so disgusting I don't even... I don't know why or how I think it was worth it. Next time, or the time after that, I'll get it all up, everything I've eaten. Consider it one of my crazy goals.

Guess I kinda have EDNOS after all. Anorexics don't purge like this... or do they...? Yeah, I could still be getting anorexia, just with a binge/purge subtype, if I get thin enough. As if my life wasn't hell-ish enough. Is this a choice, or does it just take me wherever it leads me? I wonder, cause didn't I just ponder, should I go and throw up my food or not? No, I didn't do much thinking, I just got the idea in my head and went ahead and did it. Almost as if someone or something forced me to do it. Shit, that's rather scary.

I fear that I'll continue, now that I'm getting a hang of it. That maybe I'll develop something in between anorexia and bulimia, restricting but not that much and purging when I've had enough of not being able to restrict more. Maybe all I want is to avoiding binge eating disorder (BED) so I find a way around it by starting purging. Though I know that purging only once in a while won't get me to a lower weight. I have to do it much more often, like every single day that I eat more than 700 calories. Consider my life officially over.

I've been suppressing my darkness, telling myself that I'm closer to "fine" than I really am. I don't know, honestly, how far I truly am from that word. I don't want to know. So when people ask me how I am and I want to give them an honest answer, I can't. Even when I can feel this huge lump in my throat, even when I've been drinking for 12 consecutive days, just decided to try purging every day and the most depressing music I can find doesn't even bother me. I don't know how I'm feeling, but it's not fine.

Mostly, it's because I try to be strong for K. I need... I just need to be available for him 24/7 and if I'm a wreck then how can I be there for him? But I am a wreck, and I've been going down hill again for the past 6-7 months or so now. My eating disorder started in September last year but I was already in a pretty bad shape about a month before. Can't remember why though.

I haven't been fine for a long time. I don't know if I ever have been.

Who am I

In school, I don't care about anyone there. I lie to them, keep information about myself to myself. They open up about childhood traumas and tell their open and honest opinions - and I can't even say that I have an eating disorder.

I shut up, close the doors and stay on the outside. I think about this quote: "I want all of my secrets back" and I'm scared that if I do open up, I will regret it. I used to be an open book. I really did. Everyone knew everything about me, down to every last embarrassing little detail. More than they wanted to know. Some literally shut their ears when I opened my mouth.

Who am I now?

I just wish I could somehow change back, but I don't know. I just want to avoid people altogether and why am I even going to school now again? I have a sensation already now that it's not gonna work out in the long run. I don't even want to be there. But I tell everyone that it's going fine. Well, almost everyone. It's always group activities and if you could read my mind at those times you'd hear nothing but loud sighs. But I need to be more open with them but I don't even know when or how to start.

And some things are just so... ugh, I don't know, it's hard to be me I guess. Like we had a discussion in a group of 5 people today and they brought up how they thought rapists and child molesters should be tortured and killed. And I'm like... ugh, they really shouldn't know certain stuff about me. Like anyone ever should. But it just made me feel so uneasy allover because of what I've done in my past. Like I can't take it back, no matter how much I want to. It's there, my dark secret that will doom me for the rest of my life and if there is a hell worse than this, I know I'll be going there because of that. Nuff said? Cause I'm feeling the twists and turns in my stomach allover again.

I'm not a bad person, anyone could agree with that, but I've done things that could be described as down right evil and among the worst things you can possibly do. Two dark secrets actually, where as one of them I've actually told someone, on an online forum, but it was under special circumstances and if that would (God forbid) come out... nothing can happen to me because of it, except I might lose friends and possibly even family members. But the other thing... if that ever comes out, I don't even want to think about it. It happened over 16 years ago, but I'm pretty sure it would shake things up quite completely and possibly ruin my life.

With that said, I can definitely at least say that I was young and stupid when that first thing happened. Just me and one more person know about it. It's like... if anyone, I would possibly eventually tell K, if he trusted me enough. Cause I trust him, but I don't want him to hate me because of it. I would definitely not tell my mother. Ever. She just CAN'T ever know.

One classmate told the group that they had been sexually assaulted in their past and it just fueled the discussion even more. I wanted to say that I have been too, but with my dark secret on my mind I was too disgusted to say anything at all. I don't want to sound like a fucking victim when I at the same time... I just don't. Let me gasp for a while as I decide if I should even post this.

One hell or another

If it wasn't suicide, I would kill you right now. I'm that fucking sick of you. I know I shouldn't think the worst, but we haven't been fighting like this for a long time. I think it's war again and I don't know why. We've been through every imaginable tragedy, we swore a truce. To never start bickering without good reason, to never start a new war. What the fuck happened to that truce, my frenemy?

Yeah, me and Anna again. I hate her so fucking much right now. Cause these last few days or so I've been cursing and screaming at the top of my lungs at her quite a lot and right now I just grabbed the razor blade and dragged it across my skin because I couldn't make her shut the fuck up.

She's annoying me with questions and insults she knows hurt me when I'm the most vulnerable. No one gets underneath my skin, except her, because I literally have no other choice. She's like a fucking virus in my mind and there's no escape. Ever. There never has been.

For 16 years I've put up with her crap and if this goes to hell again, I'm telling the shrinks. I'm legally male now, it shouldn't be an obstacle anymore, whether they think I'm trans enough or not because of her. If only she was male... maybe I should lie and say she's male and say another name? No, I wouldn't be able to stick to that kind of lie, "Anna" is a name permanently imprinted on me. And I want to unprint her. Get some peace and quiet for once.

Cause if this is war again... I certainly can't handle yet another war between us two. I need to do something constructive about this situation, but I don't know what. For 9 years I've kept quiet about her before the psychiatry, for 6 of those years because of my transsexualism, do I even dare telling about her now? What if they would do everything in their power to make sure I won't continue to get treated for my absolutely genuine transsexualism? Do I really have to choose between one hell and another?

Would I regret it if I open my mouth about her to my shrink? Cause if we're really going to raise a hell of our own again, me and Anna, I don't think I could stand it. All I know is that I'm not rational or thinking clearly when I'm upset, and I'm upset a lot lately. And she's just on and on me constantly, I can't shut her up, I can't get her to leave me alone. What the fuck happened to our truce?!

No. If this gets to any degree of worse, I'm opening my damn mouth about her. I've had enough. For 16 fucking years of being controlled by a voice in my head, I've had enough. Yeah, I'm drunk and I hate my fucking life. I can't even get drunk alone. I can't do anything alone, not even going to the bloody bathroom, cause you guess what? I'm never ever alone.

I don't even remember what it was like before her. I was so young, just 9 years old. I've sobered up now, and I'm a little less angry. But the fact still remains, I still have to deal with this situation somehow. I know taking pills doesn't help against her. All those kind of pills ever did was making me fat and stupid. I'd rather be dead in that case. But maybe there could be some other kind of help to get. I don't know, I really don't know if I'd even dare talking about her. Like ever.

Last and first time was such a disaster I regretted it with everything I had in me for years. Well, we'll see what I'll decide for, but talking about her openly like that is not a decision that should be taken lightly. It could still have devastating consequences. I have to be careful, my whole life depends on my secret. I just have to reach a point where nothing else matters, where her words are more likely to kill me than forced de-transition ever would.

I refuse to choose

I don't want to live forever. It feels like I already have, and forever is a very long time. I know that I thought I was gonna live forever in Dala, that feeling was pretty strong and could apparently pierce through dimensions. When you live for that long, you eventually take everything for granted. Literally everything. In this life I certainly don't, not the truly important things. It doesn't mean I hold on to them extra hard, but that I always keep in the back of my mind that it won't last forever. Cause here, nothing does.

Not even in Dala, apparently. I was there for a very long time, until nothing there was special anymore. Towards the end it had lost its magic, but then I came here and realised that now, I've lost all the things that once meant everything to me. The thing is though, while you can never stop crying over what you've lost, you can always gain something else that you can learn to love equally much. Yes, even here in this awful hell dimension, in this prison of a life.

It took a while for me to understand that, leaving everything I held so dear behind me. For good, or for just this once, I don't know. And it still tears me apart, cause whatever I have to hold on to in this life... it's not enough. It's not enough for miles and it never will be. I can hold on, wait for my dream to come true cause I have nothing else to hope for, wait and wait and just hope that things will turn around. But that's the thing about dreams... they're not real.

I wanted to end there, I really did, but I just can't do that to whomever reads this. I might be chasing my perfect dream like a dog is chasing its tail, but it's not all that hopeless, cause don't I somehow live while that chase is going on? I don't know why I'm still alive and right now it doesn't matter. I don't care. I'm tired of living but I'm not ready to die yet.

If someone would give me that one pill to just end it all, completely pain free and without devastating consequences, I would say no. I don't know why, but somehow I'm still curious about life. I want to see my friends grow older, see what happens to them, I want to see if me and K could ever... and I know that I have to give it time, as much time as any of us have.

Cause I'm running on a low flame and he's not well. It's all I can say about him, if even that. I'm worried sick day and night but he's still the light of my life, he's what keeps that low flame burning at all within me. And I can't give up, for his sake if anything. I still breathe because of him. I think ironically, suicide is out of my hands, and sadly, it depends on him, and us. I don't even know if I should confess such a thing, but seeing as you still don't know who he is, no harm no foul, right?

I'm still trying to figure it out. Why I will kill myself one day and why I haven't yet already. But the answer, I believe, is on the other side. I've given up hope on ever being able to love, or even just like, life.

Life hates me and I hate it back. I'm just waiting for my last gasp of air without actually trying to kill myself. I don't want to live, and I don't want to die. I can't choose. I'm stuck between two options and I refuse to choose. I believe that's why I leave it up to K. It's horrible of me, I know, but that's how I live right now. That's why I'm not suicidal, that's why I at the same time don't care what happens to me. It's the only explanation that I have.

Disconnected

Sometimes... I don't know what I am anymore. Am I a demon, or an ex-demon? Am I human, or will I never entirely be human? It's like I'm something in between. Like I have all these memories that have been forming me so powerfully ever since I was a little kid, and all these latent feelings that connects me to my former demon self. A ravenous hunger, something that makes me drawn to evil deeds, but I never really step over to that darkness.

It's true, that I have in the past, I have looked darkness in the eyes and said "I belong to you" but truth is I don't know where I belong. It's like I'm stuck in the shadows, in between light and dark. I don't know my place. Dala is no more, I don't belong there anymore. But I don't belong here either and I don't feel human.

What I can relate to in this reality is very limited and comes in short supplies. Certain things, here and there, small and mostly insignificant. I have a purpose, but I feel disconnected from it. My undying curiosity for humans is dying.

My wish to learn about them is fading, it feels forced and fake. Like I'm performing someone else's wish, someone else's purpose. I'm detached, uninterested and wish to be left alone. I can't keep up with these humans, I don't feel like I'm one of them, but they look at me and they see a human being and I'm just silently whispering "no, you're wrong" under my breath. I don't want them to hear, don't want to cause a scene, don't want for them to have questions I can only answer in riddles.

Who believes me? I feel like an alien trapped in a human shell, unable to go back home again, a home no one else, or very few, has been to. I would like to meet someone, just one person, who has seen the emerald green grass fields and the skies so bright but never hurt your eyes. Someone who also could speak the language that I have now forgotten, someone who also remembers what it's like to be something other than human.

Cause I can't connect with humans anymore. Why? Cause they're boring, cause I can't relate, or simply because they are not him. Maybe it's my love for K that has blinded me lately? But I can't even reach out to him. I cry and stretch my arms out into the air but he's several hundred miles away and it all feels so terribly hopeless. And I know he's my last chance. How many more months, or even just weeks, can I carry on living like this?

I feel so empty, yet filled with every emotion known to man and some others that knows no name. And I'm so lost. This loneliness has really taken the best out of me and left me like this, unable to connect, to feel connected to anything anymore. I distance myself, but others take distance from me too. I can feel everything and everyone are just slipping away from me.

I know that I will never return to live on the main country again. It's a pretty dream, but it's not gonna happen. I lost everything when I moved here. All but my family. My heart isn't in anything anymore. It's just broken shatters, the remains of a heart that once could give people a sodding chance. Now I'm just a liar and a deceiver. I'm keeping to myself even when I'm around people and honestly, I don't know how I feel about school or going there. I've been lying from my very first minute there. They can't know the real me. No one can.

I don't even talk to people anymore, just three, and I don't talk much to those three either. It's K, my best friend and my mother. Well, that's something, right? I don't know what it is, but I feel like they're slipping away and I don't know how to hold on to them.

I try, god knows I try, but I still don't know how when I at the same time don't want anything to to with them. My heart aches and bleeds for them, to be near them, like we used to be before or like never before. The loneliness is breaking me down, yet protects me, but prevents me from reaching out again. I've lost touch with humanity and I don't know how to find it again.

I don't know my place in this world, I don't know who I am anymore, my life is slipping away from me. Nothing means anything to me, I'm not holding on to anything. I really don't. I just go with the flow and see where it takes me. To hell, probably. Another bigger piece of hell that I haven't yet seen. I fear it, and I can feel it breathing down my neck. Something big is coming and it's coming soon. I don't know what it is yet, but I'm sure it will destroy me and everything I am, everything I can pretend to hold on to. Whatever it is, it will be the end of me.

I turn 26 this spring and I have less than 2 years left, according to the prophecy and Satan's words. I feel like I'm dying, or more like I'm living on borrowed time. All I know is that time is ticking and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. Everything just seems so pointless or like it requires too much effort, time and money that I don't have. How do you make your life meaningful without money or even a grasp of sanity?

You can't. I've found out it's impossible in my case. I've given up on finding a meaning with it all. I can't wait for it to just end. But waiting I do, and I think that might be the only thing I ever do.