I am so beyond pissed now. Again. What a surprise. So I got a note about me having a package to pick up and another letter containing the bill for the wig that I ordered bloody 2,5 weeks ago, so naturally I thought that note was about that I had finally received my wig, so I went to pick it up. But, as I arrived at the post office and got a fucking letter instead I was furious. Nearly tore the damn letter to pieces before even opening it, but managed not to. And what was waiting inside the envelope? Another one of those warnings or you'll get evicted notes, which I had already gotten two of before, and they're all the same. What the fuck is this shit? I fucking got it the first time!
Now I will have to write to the damn company I ordered the wig from and try to not go apeshit crazy with cursing and what not if at all possible at this point. That damn package has, according to the tracking website, been stuck in Järfälla of all god damned places since Friday last week. What the fuck are they up to? Why don't they continue sending it to my address?
Okay just sent a message to the company without any curse words or anything even remotely unpleasant. Now I'm working on getting drunk as fuck just to stay somewhat sane and tolerate this existence for a little while. And I'm waiting for you to come online cause I miss you as fuck, but you're not coming online, and I guess this might be how you're feeling when I'm not available online. I really want you here right now.
The reason as to why I haven't been posting anything here for quite a while is because I haven't been able to write, and if I have it's just been a few lines. Hardly enough for a blog entry. I usually, these days, manage to write a few lines of text about once every third day, which is next to nothing compared to my usual self. I don't know where my creativity has gone. I can't create anything at all, and now alcohol helps but I'm on the verge of being too drunk to write.
I wish I could be poetic, I wish I could be anything. But what is left, but an infinite void and emptiness? Nothing can bring me together, it feels like. And how I still can't keep my anger within even though my apartment depends on it. Catch myself almost screaming "fuck" when my cell phone refuse to send my latest selfie to my e-mail after repeated tries, and how I repeated those tries tenfold, elevenfold, twelvefold and then lost count until I had no more breath to use.
Now only loud music in my headphones and dreaming of seeing you again keeps me sane, but how I cannot even bother with the piece of duct tape on my balcony door to keep the cigarette smoke from swirling into my apartment. Yeah, my mother tried her very best to clean my old apartment that I had been smoking inside for about 3 years in, but it had apparently failed and now my family have to pay 30 thousand Swedish krona to get that apartment fit for a new person to live there. So I should perhaps care at least a little bit about not causing the same ordeal to this apartment, right? Right...?
Well fact is I have no care left at all. Fact is when the winds are too strong on that balcony I light my cigarette halfway inside the apartment cause I'm an addict and if I can't get my fucking fix I will panic and panic has no limits. I smoke a lot less already, maybe somewhere around 10-15 cigarettes a day, but that still doesn't mean I can go one more second without a cigarette when I need one. And have I mentioned how very much I hate this season yet? If it's not raining... oh, fuck that it's freaking constantly raining and I have no roof over my balcony, but aside from the rain, strong winds are more than just common as well.
It feels like something keeps the light away from me. I won't even take another sip of my drink. I thought, perhaps stupidly, that drunkenness would keep my anger away for a while, but it's not helping at all. I'm sick of it all. So fucking sick of this hell.
Saturday, 19 November 2016
Thursday, 3 November 2016
Halfway
Everything feels empty, shallow. Like it doesn't really exist. I lied down on the couch with a cigarette and an hour went by. I don't know if I fell asleep or not. I watched a movie that I hadn't seen before. It was about a girl, maybe around 12 years old, who was abused by both her parents and she had a connection with her twin sister who had committed suicide. Now it lingers, and somehow some aspects of that girl follow me now. Her silence. The way she viewed the world around her. Maybe I'm making my own interpretation, I don't know. It's like everything around me became distant, vague, further away. It's like I keep staring at random normal objects but I can't understand what they are, or if they're real.
My level of consciousness seems to have changed into this strange, slow, disconnected state. I'm not entirely dissociating, but halfway there. So many times I've been there: halfway. It feels like I'm falling and falling expecting to reach the bottom or ground but I never do. I just keep falling. Falling through life.
I thought I was better after my wake-up call, that I was getting better again, but today hasn't been good. It hasn't been bad either, cause I wasn't here. I wasn't anywhere. The whole forenoon and over noon I sat on my chair, watching my mother and sister move my moving boxes back and forth between my apartments, I think it was three times. I just sat there, unable to really do anything. My sister said she had found something I had written online, from 2011 and she hugged me and said she now understood me better. She didn't specify what it was that she found though. I can only really rule out the thing when I was 9, because I know I didn't start writing about that before 2013. Whatever.
The rest of the day went by, unnoticeably. I forgot most of it. Oh yeah, I fell asleep on the couch soon after they had gone and I dreamed about a lost cat of my family's. It was a happy dream, and it tore me to pieces. I wished to not have to dream again for a while. I wished dreamless sleep, cause even the good dreams make me feel shitty upon waking up. I want no dreams at all.
That was when this empty, detachment started. A certain sadness lingers within me, but I don't know why it's there or where it came from. I'm not completely apathetic, I can still do things. Like cooking, eating, smoking, writing, but I am only halfway aware of what I'm doing. I believe that if someone would look me in my eyes now they would clearly see that I'm not quite alright. But I would appear, still somewhat functioning.
I cannot seem to fix my sleeping pattern, it is totally wrecked. I sleep around 5-6 hours in the morning until my mother usually wakes me up upon arriving at my front door, then I'm awake for some time, but crash in bed or couch around noon. Sleep for a couple of hours, then up again. Then that repeats. I usually take two to three naps a day because I'm literally unable to stay awake. I fell asleep trying to stay awake, sitting in uncomfortable positions by my desk, several times today. Nothing seems to work. I do eat food, at least one cooked meal a day, several sandwiches and often some sweets too. I do drink a lot of coffee. I try to go to bed earlier but it's hopeless.
I do dread tomorrow. My uncle is gonna come by and help me, my mother and possibly also my sister to move my furniture to the new apartment, and they're gonna come early. Of course. I won't have gotten that much sleep, I'm just gonna assume, and I'll probably be even more lethargic, exhausted and apathetic. If I'll even be able to get out of bed.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Something else that's been tormenting me today was intense stomachache which I could only figure out was menstrual cramps. I had no pain killers at home, they had been taken to my new apartment. But after resting on the couch for that hour, the pain had gone. And I'm indifferent to the relief I'm supposed to feel.
My level of consciousness seems to have changed into this strange, slow, disconnected state. I'm not entirely dissociating, but halfway there. So many times I've been there: halfway. It feels like I'm falling and falling expecting to reach the bottom or ground but I never do. I just keep falling. Falling through life.
I thought I was better after my wake-up call, that I was getting better again, but today hasn't been good. It hasn't been bad either, cause I wasn't here. I wasn't anywhere. The whole forenoon and over noon I sat on my chair, watching my mother and sister move my moving boxes back and forth between my apartments, I think it was three times. I just sat there, unable to really do anything. My sister said she had found something I had written online, from 2011 and she hugged me and said she now understood me better. She didn't specify what it was that she found though. I can only really rule out the thing when I was 9, because I know I didn't start writing about that before 2013. Whatever.
The rest of the day went by, unnoticeably. I forgot most of it. Oh yeah, I fell asleep on the couch soon after they had gone and I dreamed about a lost cat of my family's. It was a happy dream, and it tore me to pieces. I wished to not have to dream again for a while. I wished dreamless sleep, cause even the good dreams make me feel shitty upon waking up. I want no dreams at all.
That was when this empty, detachment started. A certain sadness lingers within me, but I don't know why it's there or where it came from. I'm not completely apathetic, I can still do things. Like cooking, eating, smoking, writing, but I am only halfway aware of what I'm doing. I believe that if someone would look me in my eyes now they would clearly see that I'm not quite alright. But I would appear, still somewhat functioning.
I cannot seem to fix my sleeping pattern, it is totally wrecked. I sleep around 5-6 hours in the morning until my mother usually wakes me up upon arriving at my front door, then I'm awake for some time, but crash in bed or couch around noon. Sleep for a couple of hours, then up again. Then that repeats. I usually take two to three naps a day because I'm literally unable to stay awake. I fell asleep trying to stay awake, sitting in uncomfortable positions by my desk, several times today. Nothing seems to work. I do eat food, at least one cooked meal a day, several sandwiches and often some sweets too. I do drink a lot of coffee. I try to go to bed earlier but it's hopeless.
I do dread tomorrow. My uncle is gonna come by and help me, my mother and possibly also my sister to move my furniture to the new apartment, and they're gonna come early. Of course. I won't have gotten that much sleep, I'm just gonna assume, and I'll probably be even more lethargic, exhausted and apathetic. If I'll even be able to get out of bed.
Oh, I forgot to mention. Something else that's been tormenting me today was intense stomachache which I could only figure out was menstrual cramps. I had no pain killers at home, they had been taken to my new apartment. But after resting on the couch for that hour, the pain had gone. And I'm indifferent to the relief I'm supposed to feel.
Sunday, 30 October 2016
Wake-up call
I need to say this, I'm not sure if you know anything about it. Please do not panic, this doesn't have anything to do with you, me or anyone we personally know. It's about Teal Swan on youtube. At first I was skeptical, then I fell for her openness, but always remained somewhat skeptical. I can still not claim to be able to confirm anything, but seems like things are not looking so good for her authenticity. I've come across several different people who have claimed she is in fact a fraud and or harmful which includes a lot of various accusations.
One of those accusations is that three people who took her advice have committed suicide because of what she told them. Right or wrong? Not my place to judge. Others have said that she promotes suicide with the claim that it has no consequences on a spiritual level, which they claim was the cause of her followers suicides. On a less severe note people also accuse her of having stolen and twisted ancient teachings (can't remember which one right now).
However, whatever the case is with Teal Swan, I do choose for now to not fully trust or join any side. All I'm saying is that I'll be more cautious when watching her videos and listening to whatever she's saying.
On another side note, I did come across a to me very interesting view on suicide and its consequences from one of these people's videos, from a spiritual perspective. It did actually manage to shake my numbness, and I do believe that is indeed something powerful because I have not been able to do so at all until now, despite trying very hard, for weeks now. Although I do realise now, that I've been watching the wrong videos entirely. I guess you could say that the message got through.
Now, no matter if that person was right or wrong about her statements, that is not important. I've come to the point with my trust issues where I think there's no point in just blindly believing complete strangers whatever they're saying, no matter the circumstances, how "believable" it sounds or doesn't, their body language or anything, but to focus on trusting the people that matter to me.
I can be shaken emotionally and on an intellectual level, by something I'm told, without putting any trust into it. I look beyond whether a statement is true or false and into what does it changes within me. Now this is very difficult for me to explain as well as I would like to, but I try. When I watched that video, what I felt was that something fell into place within me. Not because of what I was told, but because of what I already knew.
I don't know if I've told you this at some point, but it is my belief that every single bit of knowledge is already within us all. It's just that some have more access to more and different things than others, or more likely, they only think they got access to different things than others. That is however not me stating it as some kind of fact, it is just a belief. That our knowledge comes from within, but I do also think that interacting with others is just as important as interacting with ourselves to get access to that knowledge. I've had that belief for at least the past 10, maybe even 15, years.
But, back to the video, this person also said something else that also hit me hard. She said, that there are divine worlds out there (not earth then) where people live with a certain kind of enlightenment, but it is not the same kind of enlightenment that can be obtained here on earth. That the kind one can achieve here, is the ultimate form of enlightenment. That being put in a human body is basically the greatest gift to get to achieve that. (That also lead to her further explaining why suicide does have consequences, as she said that destroying one's human body is to not accept that gift, and karma will get you, but a bit more complicated than that). I hope I'm remembering this at least somewhat right, but if not I can easily find that youtube video again. However, what she said about those divine worlds, hit me hard because I think she spoke about Dala. That Dala very well might be such a place. I'll definitely add that to one of many possibilities if not else.
Was this a wake-up call? Can I somehow get back on track again and try to stop abusing myself as I've been doing these past two or so weeks? I cannot say for sure, but it definitely stirred something within me. I do realise I'm not giving you the full picture of my experience, but I'm so out of place these days I simply cannot. As I write I cannot give the details in the right order or precisely describe them. But my point is, that whatever happened within me, for just a moment, I could see my past, my present and my future exactly how they were tied together and all significant. All there, at once.
Now, if I can just pull my ass out of this damn chair and go do something about it, that is something different. I need more time to think and collect myself before becoming any means of social again, meaning I'll continue to stay offline for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow I'll feel up for talking again. I hope so. I have so much to say, perhaps mostly about other unrelated things though, but I never have the energy to bring it up. Hopefully, as I'll start to take better care for myself again, at least some of my these days quite horrible state of mind can be stabilised or something. Starting with going to bed at a more reasonable time than dawn. Then I'll take it from there.
One of those accusations is that three people who took her advice have committed suicide because of what she told them. Right or wrong? Not my place to judge. Others have said that she promotes suicide with the claim that it has no consequences on a spiritual level, which they claim was the cause of her followers suicides. On a less severe note people also accuse her of having stolen and twisted ancient teachings (can't remember which one right now).
However, whatever the case is with Teal Swan, I do choose for now to not fully trust or join any side. All I'm saying is that I'll be more cautious when watching her videos and listening to whatever she's saying.
On another side note, I did come across a to me very interesting view on suicide and its consequences from one of these people's videos, from a spiritual perspective. It did actually manage to shake my numbness, and I do believe that is indeed something powerful because I have not been able to do so at all until now, despite trying very hard, for weeks now. Although I do realise now, that I've been watching the wrong videos entirely. I guess you could say that the message got through.
Now, no matter if that person was right or wrong about her statements, that is not important. I've come to the point with my trust issues where I think there's no point in just blindly believing complete strangers whatever they're saying, no matter the circumstances, how "believable" it sounds or doesn't, their body language or anything, but to focus on trusting the people that matter to me.
I can be shaken emotionally and on an intellectual level, by something I'm told, without putting any trust into it. I look beyond whether a statement is true or false and into what does it changes within me. Now this is very difficult for me to explain as well as I would like to, but I try. When I watched that video, what I felt was that something fell into place within me. Not because of what I was told, but because of what I already knew.
I don't know if I've told you this at some point, but it is my belief that every single bit of knowledge is already within us all. It's just that some have more access to more and different things than others, or more likely, they only think they got access to different things than others. That is however not me stating it as some kind of fact, it is just a belief. That our knowledge comes from within, but I do also think that interacting with others is just as important as interacting with ourselves to get access to that knowledge. I've had that belief for at least the past 10, maybe even 15, years.
But, back to the video, this person also said something else that also hit me hard. She said, that there are divine worlds out there (not earth then) where people live with a certain kind of enlightenment, but it is not the same kind of enlightenment that can be obtained here on earth. That the kind one can achieve here, is the ultimate form of enlightenment. That being put in a human body is basically the greatest gift to get to achieve that. (That also lead to her further explaining why suicide does have consequences, as she said that destroying one's human body is to not accept that gift, and karma will get you, but a bit more complicated than that). I hope I'm remembering this at least somewhat right, but if not I can easily find that youtube video again. However, what she said about those divine worlds, hit me hard because I think she spoke about Dala. That Dala very well might be such a place. I'll definitely add that to one of many possibilities if not else.
Was this a wake-up call? Can I somehow get back on track again and try to stop abusing myself as I've been doing these past two or so weeks? I cannot say for sure, but it definitely stirred something within me. I do realise I'm not giving you the full picture of my experience, but I'm so out of place these days I simply cannot. As I write I cannot give the details in the right order or precisely describe them. But my point is, that whatever happened within me, for just a moment, I could see my past, my present and my future exactly how they were tied together and all significant. All there, at once.
Now, if I can just pull my ass out of this damn chair and go do something about it, that is something different. I need more time to think and collect myself before becoming any means of social again, meaning I'll continue to stay offline for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow I'll feel up for talking again. I hope so. I have so much to say, perhaps mostly about other unrelated things though, but I never have the energy to bring it up. Hopefully, as I'll start to take better care for myself again, at least some of my these days quite horrible state of mind can be stabilised or something. Starting with going to bed at a more reasonable time than dawn. Then I'll take it from there.
Monday, 24 October 2016
Not my day, apparently
So, today didn't have the best start even though I managed to get a couple of hours more sleep in the morning just before school. My headache is somewhere up at a 6, bordering to a 7 on a pain scale, I feel completely out of whack and my thoughts won't stop spinning. Everyone in my class got the assignment/question-thingy late yesterday that said "describe a situation in which you felt respected" and at school this morning everyone shared their stories except from me. Why? Cause I told the teacher that I was tired of discussing that issue and that I ignored the question/assignment.
Then when they asked me what I would be interested in doing with the class on one day at the holiday week (which is next week apparently) and I said I want to be left alone cause I need to rest. Also I declined participating in an art exhibition thing that I had said I was interested in before, but I said it was just too much for me right now so I decided to skip it. I'm increasingly trying to take better care of myself, rest as much as I can without entirely dropping out of school, and I just don't listen if anyone is against any of those decisions.
One classmate noticed my vibes or something today and she asked me how I was. I did tell her that I'm overstressed and emotionally shut off because of it, and she seemed to be understanding. I also talked a bit to other classmates mostly during cigarette breaks.
Aaaarghhh... of course there are troubles with my moving situation. So, my mother just made a phone call to Gotlandshem (the instance my new apartment is owned by, that I'd be renting from) and got some rather annoying news. My mother had been very clearly told this summer that if I wanted to get rid of LSS there was no way I could keep this apartment. Also she was told I do not have to keep paying for this apartment for 3 months after leaving it upon moving, but... now she was told the exact opposite of those things and there's no way my family could afford both rents for both apartments for 3 months. I asked her if the instance I get my money from and which also pays for most of my rent now couldn't possible help us out but she did not think so.
Now, as my mother called Gotlandshem from my apartment she didn't have access to look at my contract for this apartment (there was something important said in it that she needed to check but couldn't remember) she will continue talking to Gotlandshem when she's gotten back home and can look at my contract. And of course the two different instances, Gotlandshem and LSS, don't have any contact what so ever with each other and none of them knows what the other is doing. Great.
Now I'm feeling way too fucking dead to even be able to truly take all this in and I'm glad for that. I will try to not start worrying about it too much and let my mother help me handle this chaos and hope for the best. I truly can not deal with any of this kind of stuff. It would break me on a good day, these days it would disintegrate me. So I simply cannot take this kind of responsibility and take charge over the situation. I stand beside and try and not get too worried, it's all that I can do. This society and all its fucking systems are starting to really annoy me now. I more than just sensed how distressed my mother now is about this, it was like she just let go of everything and went home. Like the air just went out of her.
I don't know what to say or do, but to try to support her on an emotional level and try not to let this get me down as well. The issue is still not solved and there are one person's words against another's. I cannot know the outcome yet, all I can do is wait and hope this won't become an economical and legal disaster. I need to shut off some more right now.
Then when they asked me what I would be interested in doing with the class on one day at the holiday week (which is next week apparently) and I said I want to be left alone cause I need to rest. Also I declined participating in an art exhibition thing that I had said I was interested in before, but I said it was just too much for me right now so I decided to skip it. I'm increasingly trying to take better care of myself, rest as much as I can without entirely dropping out of school, and I just don't listen if anyone is against any of those decisions.
One classmate noticed my vibes or something today and she asked me how I was. I did tell her that I'm overstressed and emotionally shut off because of it, and she seemed to be understanding. I also talked a bit to other classmates mostly during cigarette breaks.
Aaaarghhh... of course there are troubles with my moving situation. So, my mother just made a phone call to Gotlandshem (the instance my new apartment is owned by, that I'd be renting from) and got some rather annoying news. My mother had been very clearly told this summer that if I wanted to get rid of LSS there was no way I could keep this apartment. Also she was told I do not have to keep paying for this apartment for 3 months after leaving it upon moving, but... now she was told the exact opposite of those things and there's no way my family could afford both rents for both apartments for 3 months. I asked her if the instance I get my money from and which also pays for most of my rent now couldn't possible help us out but she did not think so.
Now, as my mother called Gotlandshem from my apartment she didn't have access to look at my contract for this apartment (there was something important said in it that she needed to check but couldn't remember) she will continue talking to Gotlandshem when she's gotten back home and can look at my contract. And of course the two different instances, Gotlandshem and LSS, don't have any contact what so ever with each other and none of them knows what the other is doing. Great.
Now I'm feeling way too fucking dead to even be able to truly take all this in and I'm glad for that. I will try to not start worrying about it too much and let my mother help me handle this chaos and hope for the best. I truly can not deal with any of this kind of stuff. It would break me on a good day, these days it would disintegrate me. So I simply cannot take this kind of responsibility and take charge over the situation. I stand beside and try and not get too worried, it's all that I can do. This society and all its fucking systems are starting to really annoy me now. I more than just sensed how distressed my mother now is about this, it was like she just let go of everything and went home. Like the air just went out of her.
I don't know what to say or do, but to try to support her on an emotional level and try not to let this get me down as well. The issue is still not solved and there are one person's words against another's. I cannot know the outcome yet, all I can do is wait and hope this won't become an economical and legal disaster. I need to shut off some more right now.
Fear
Oh my fucking god! Just trying to process a short dream that I just had. It started out with the fairly harmless, witty joke: "This is is Scotty, don't ever call him Scotland." and I saw a lonesome man in a suit sitting down by a table in some kind of building. Could have been a café but looked more like a conference room. Then he pulled up the dead and badly rotten body of a man into his lap, feet first. The body wasn't clothed except from the crotch. The man apparently named Scotty then proceeded to carefully and slowly unwrap the dead guy's dick and I could hear at first a faint pounding from it, as if he was about to unleash some kind of monster from the layers and layers of fabric, then the pounding increased in strength for every beat... I managed to somehow force myself awake before the guy was finished with the unwrapping, and I knew exactly what his intentions was. I just shudder at the horror of it... But in case I'm not clear enough, I knew his intention was to put whatever was left of the dead guy's dick into his mouth.
Okay... moving on. Before that dream, I had a quite long, dark, complicated and confusing dream about us. I cannot possibly include every single detail of it for three reasons: 1) it's fading from my memory, 2) I'm too tired to write that much, and 3) I don't want to reveal way too personal details about you online. However, the dream kinda started with that you visited me in Sweden, suddenly you were just there. We half shared a very long night. I couldn't sleep so I went up to draw, but it was so dark in the room that I didn't see (or in any other way notice, apparently) that you later also got up because you couldn't sleep either. We ended up in separate rooms and by the time I was tired enough to crawl back into bed again, I noticed you weren't there. I tried to go back to sleep but was still unable too, I couldn't figure out where to you had gone. The next morning I woke up and some hours later you told me via facebook that you had gone back home again. It had for me been a misunderstanding that you had only planned on staying one night and I was pretty upset by the outcome.
Moving on into the same dream. I woke up at a party with no memory of how I got there or where I was. For some reason I couldn't figure out what language people were talking but I used English whenever I would talk to someone. It was a to me very strange party, dark, gloomy and the atmosphere was very intense. You were at the party too, blending into the mass of people trying to fit in all the many small rooms, while I didn't quite blend in as I was mostly just lost and tried to not lose you in the crowd, but what I was more afraid of, was losing you to the darkness of that party.
Basically, what was going on were a lot of heavy drugs, downright dystopia and people were losing their minds until they basically became just shells. They became deeply depressed, overdosed, dozed off and wouldn't wake up. Not technically dead, but lost. I lost my best friend in that dream, as I found her near the end of it, lost in that vegetative-state. I tried to wake her up but when I was told there's no use, I wrapped her up in blankets on the sofa she was lying in cause it looked like she was cold, shivering. And then I sat there, adjusting the blankets, for quite some time.
Mostly I ran around in the rooms trying to find you and not lose track of you. I tried to convince that please don't take more drugs. You were still able to walk around, even talk but not a lot, but you weren't coherent or showing any signs of emotion, and you didn't seem to recognise me or understand what I was trying to tell you. I often found you in the bathroom. You were then standing in line waiting for your turn, but you never got in there. So you just continued to walk around seemingly aimlessly. You changed clothes a bunch of times and I also often found you among a group of people who were your friends but they were strangers to me and I didn't trust them at all. They kept inviting you do to more drugs and lead you to different rooms all the time.
As I still couldn't figure out where I was I eventually asked a small group of not so heavily drugged people where I was, like in which country. They just stared at me as if I was crazy, but then I explained my situation and that I often used to travel between Sweden and Germany. Then they seemed to think I was alright so they gave me the answer that we were in Dortmund. (My memory is crappy so I just now had to google it to see if it was a real place or something my mind made up).
It wasn't until the very end of the dream that things finally turned brighter again. We were alone just outside of the building, breathing in the fresh air, when you suddenly told me that you wanted to show me, I'm not gonna say it straight out here, but what about you that you've been trying to decide if you would want for me to see or not, meaning in reality. In my dream you didn't wait for an answer but I was quick to stop you, I looked deeply into your eyes and told that it was not the best time or place to make that decision, I urged you to truly think about it. Cause although I was excited, it was more important that you would feel comfortable and not regret it if or when you'd sober up again. We sat there for a while as I saw you were trying your best to think in that situation. Eventually you did break through the drugs and slowly started to become yourself again. We embraced each other tightly and just couldn't stop crying.
Do I have some fear maybe, of losing you, kinda showing through heavily in my dream? I do think however that the drugs were just an example. There are many ways to lose someone. I am so glad for the happy ending though. Saved me from waking up in utter distress. Though it was very sad seeing my best friend like that in the dream. But for some reason I feel detached from that part of the dream, maybe because I refused to truly accept that she was gone. Then I was more affected by seeing in you in that state, watching you damaging yourself further, and feeling utterly helpless in the situation no matter what I did. That was scary to say the least.
Just finished my cup of caffeine free coffee and time is 6:12 am. I've already been up for more than an hour writing this and trying to remember. The dreams bring up more thoughts than feelings. They're there, but they're subtle. Don't know if I'll go back to sleep or not yet. I have school soon.
Okay... moving on. Before that dream, I had a quite long, dark, complicated and confusing dream about us. I cannot possibly include every single detail of it for three reasons: 1) it's fading from my memory, 2) I'm too tired to write that much, and 3) I don't want to reveal way too personal details about you online. However, the dream kinda started with that you visited me in Sweden, suddenly you were just there. We half shared a very long night. I couldn't sleep so I went up to draw, but it was so dark in the room that I didn't see (or in any other way notice, apparently) that you later also got up because you couldn't sleep either. We ended up in separate rooms and by the time I was tired enough to crawl back into bed again, I noticed you weren't there. I tried to go back to sleep but was still unable too, I couldn't figure out where to you had gone. The next morning I woke up and some hours later you told me via facebook that you had gone back home again. It had for me been a misunderstanding that you had only planned on staying one night and I was pretty upset by the outcome.
Moving on into the same dream. I woke up at a party with no memory of how I got there or where I was. For some reason I couldn't figure out what language people were talking but I used English whenever I would talk to someone. It was a to me very strange party, dark, gloomy and the atmosphere was very intense. You were at the party too, blending into the mass of people trying to fit in all the many small rooms, while I didn't quite blend in as I was mostly just lost and tried to not lose you in the crowd, but what I was more afraid of, was losing you to the darkness of that party.
Basically, what was going on were a lot of heavy drugs, downright dystopia and people were losing their minds until they basically became just shells. They became deeply depressed, overdosed, dozed off and wouldn't wake up. Not technically dead, but lost. I lost my best friend in that dream, as I found her near the end of it, lost in that vegetative-state. I tried to wake her up but when I was told there's no use, I wrapped her up in blankets on the sofa she was lying in cause it looked like she was cold, shivering. And then I sat there, adjusting the blankets, for quite some time.
Mostly I ran around in the rooms trying to find you and not lose track of you. I tried to convince that please don't take more drugs. You were still able to walk around, even talk but not a lot, but you weren't coherent or showing any signs of emotion, and you didn't seem to recognise me or understand what I was trying to tell you. I often found you in the bathroom. You were then standing in line waiting for your turn, but you never got in there. So you just continued to walk around seemingly aimlessly. You changed clothes a bunch of times and I also often found you among a group of people who were your friends but they were strangers to me and I didn't trust them at all. They kept inviting you do to more drugs and lead you to different rooms all the time.
As I still couldn't figure out where I was I eventually asked a small group of not so heavily drugged people where I was, like in which country. They just stared at me as if I was crazy, but then I explained my situation and that I often used to travel between Sweden and Germany. Then they seemed to think I was alright so they gave me the answer that we were in Dortmund. (My memory is crappy so I just now had to google it to see if it was a real place or something my mind made up).
It wasn't until the very end of the dream that things finally turned brighter again. We were alone just outside of the building, breathing in the fresh air, when you suddenly told me that you wanted to show me, I'm not gonna say it straight out here, but what about you that you've been trying to decide if you would want for me to see or not, meaning in reality. In my dream you didn't wait for an answer but I was quick to stop you, I looked deeply into your eyes and told that it was not the best time or place to make that decision, I urged you to truly think about it. Cause although I was excited, it was more important that you would feel comfortable and not regret it if or when you'd sober up again. We sat there for a while as I saw you were trying your best to think in that situation. Eventually you did break through the drugs and slowly started to become yourself again. We embraced each other tightly and just couldn't stop crying.
Do I have some fear maybe, of losing you, kinda showing through heavily in my dream? I do think however that the drugs were just an example. There are many ways to lose someone. I am so glad for the happy ending though. Saved me from waking up in utter distress. Though it was very sad seeing my best friend like that in the dream. But for some reason I feel detached from that part of the dream, maybe because I refused to truly accept that she was gone. Then I was more affected by seeing in you in that state, watching you damaging yourself further, and feeling utterly helpless in the situation no matter what I did. That was scary to say the least.
Just finished my cup of caffeine free coffee and time is 6:12 am. I've already been up for more than an hour writing this and trying to remember. The dreams bring up more thoughts than feelings. They're there, but they're subtle. Don't know if I'll go back to sleep or not yet. I have school soon.
Friday, 21 October 2016
On the topic of darkness
My mind is ravaging an endless flow of thoughts today. Most of them just pass through. But one thing I feel like bringing up is that I'm a lot more like Anna when I'm in this state, but I tolerate her less than usually. Now I think she's just an annoying bitch who should shut the fuck up cause I've had it with her insolence nonsense and utter bullshit. I curse more at her, insult her more brutally, but everything I say just runs off her like water on a goose. She's just as mean towards me and somehow it's astonishing to me how we can be so utterly horrible to each other and then just "whatever, coffee and a sandwich on that?"
(What I'm about to tell you I've never opened up about before, I want to warn you it is not nice. I feel less scared of my darkness when I'm in the state that I am now, I feel okay sharing this now. And I've been close to many times, but been scared to. I know you won't judge me, but I feel it is time to let you know the reality of my situation with Anna. Why I cannot truly just accept her as she is, why I can't stand her most of the time, why she cannot possibly be a guardian angel of mine.)
It's as if we've become immune to each others hatred and despise and foul language that it doesn't bother any of us anymore. Yes, we can be extremely horrible to each other, like that one time, 5,5 years ago, I think it was spring 2011 and we were 21 years old. She started our second war by actually raping me and in my defense I tormented her and she tormented me constantly for months afterwards. We called each other every horrible thing we could even think of, threw threats at each other (oh, but death threats and torture threats are just common daily life for us these days, but it was extreme back then). What eventually "ended" the war was that we agreed to a truce of some kind, because we both realised that we were stuck with each other and had to make our lives tolerable again. It was the only way we could survive.
Now how would such a rape even be possible? I don't know for sure if that word is exactly correct in this context, but what else should I call it? What happened, was that she took over my body, against my will, when we were having a verbal fight one day, I think it was February or March 2011, and well, she controlling my hands and all, me not being able to do anything but in thoughts scream at her to fucking stop, she... uhm... yeah, how to describe that delicately... brutally used my own hands (and other stuff I might want to add) in my nether regions to a painful degree. That fucked me up, but I haven't told anyone about it before.
Should I even count it as the third time of being sexually assaulted, or am I just that crazy? I was literally fighting against my own body, against my own mind. No, things were never truly "fine" between us again after that. I will never forgive her and she knows that. Who is the prisoner in who's head now again? We are dangerous in each others company, we are toxic to each other in sometimes a very high degree. But even if that can not in any way count as actual sexual assault, fact remains that it fucked me up to a considerable degree and it definitely fucked up my relationship to Anna. Is she evil? Hard to say, but she's certainly not good.
But I still believe that I need her, for utter selfish reasons. And I think I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her. She's not a real person, she's a figment of my imagination and I kept her for a reason. She still holds key information to my self discovery, and even though I hate her fucking guts, I still love her too.
So yeah, in some way, I guess one could say that I'm still holding onto an 18 years old abusive relationship with a part of myself. And whether or not you think what happened between me and Anna could count as rape or not, that was how it felt. I'm only using that word to describe how I perceive it, as I'm the only real person who can account for what happened. Because speaking of darkness, that's the really dark side in my situation with Anna. Luckily, it has not yet become darker than that, but it might also be as dark as it possibly can get, what do I know. She knows how to push my buttons, and she has no limit what so ever as to how far she'll go. That's the really scary thing about her. She can be so fucking ice cold that anyone in my situation would be running towards anything and anyone just to survive.
But, that's why I feel absolutely free to be cruel to her in return. I know she can take and if she cant, she definitely deserves it. Yeah, I know, this is very much a "fight fire with fire" -situation. Actually that quote fits remarkably well. But how are things really between us now, more than five years after that completely unforgivable thing she did? If or rather when she brings it up, things get heated. I might throw some random insults and threats her way, she gawks and grins and I scream at her some more. No one can win, that, or I lost many years ago.
Fact is it is very humiliating to me. I don't know about other people who have been sexually assaulted more than once, but after the first time for me, I was like... this shouldn't happen again, I should learn to defend myself *takes karate lessons for three years* - still ends up being assaulted a second time *not okay in the least bit of sense but I really, I mean really, should defend myself if I even remotely think things might lead in that direction again, this is getting humiliating* - it happens a third time *okay guess what I'm sick of this shit and if anyone as much as looks at me the wrong way I'm gonna get the fuck out of there or lose my senses completely and beat them up in advance* That's is just my emotional response, but my point is, that for every time, something has definitely been shooting more sparks within me, and yes, I am still putting some of the blame on myself cause it's just not okay for me to end up in that kind of situation three times. It's just not.
But however, now you know more about my darkness than I've been comfortable telling you about before. My situation with Anna is pretty damn screwed up, to say the least. I don't go around thinking "what happened that day should not be possible" because it did happen, but I know that going around talking about it, however casual or serious, most people would just think I'm utterly crazy beyond their belief. And I do feel ashamed, I do feel very humiliated and the whole event just took away so much of my own autonomy, my own power and control over my own body, that I just don't have words to describe it. How can I? Ultimately, she is my prisoner, and I am hers. I am not safe with her, but I'm so attached to her that I can't imagine living with the void within me it would become if she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Yes, our relationship can be truly toxic, if it isn't all the time. But no, I can't let go. She's a part of me.
(What I'm about to tell you I've never opened up about before, I want to warn you it is not nice. I feel less scared of my darkness when I'm in the state that I am now, I feel okay sharing this now. And I've been close to many times, but been scared to. I know you won't judge me, but I feel it is time to let you know the reality of my situation with Anna. Why I cannot truly just accept her as she is, why I can't stand her most of the time, why she cannot possibly be a guardian angel of mine.)
It's as if we've become immune to each others hatred and despise and foul language that it doesn't bother any of us anymore. Yes, we can be extremely horrible to each other, like that one time, 5,5 years ago, I think it was spring 2011 and we were 21 years old. She started our second war by actually raping me and in my defense I tormented her and she tormented me constantly for months afterwards. We called each other every horrible thing we could even think of, threw threats at each other (oh, but death threats and torture threats are just common daily life for us these days, but it was extreme back then). What eventually "ended" the war was that we agreed to a truce of some kind, because we both realised that we were stuck with each other and had to make our lives tolerable again. It was the only way we could survive.
Now how would such a rape even be possible? I don't know for sure if that word is exactly correct in this context, but what else should I call it? What happened, was that she took over my body, against my will, when we were having a verbal fight one day, I think it was February or March 2011, and well, she controlling my hands and all, me not being able to do anything but in thoughts scream at her to fucking stop, she... uhm... yeah, how to describe that delicately... brutally used my own hands (and other stuff I might want to add) in my nether regions to a painful degree. That fucked me up, but I haven't told anyone about it before.
Should I even count it as the third time of being sexually assaulted, or am I just that crazy? I was literally fighting against my own body, against my own mind. No, things were never truly "fine" between us again after that. I will never forgive her and she knows that. Who is the prisoner in who's head now again? We are dangerous in each others company, we are toxic to each other in sometimes a very high degree. But even if that can not in any way count as actual sexual assault, fact remains that it fucked me up to a considerable degree and it definitely fucked up my relationship to Anna. Is she evil? Hard to say, but she's certainly not good.
But I still believe that I need her, for utter selfish reasons. And I think I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her. She's not a real person, she's a figment of my imagination and I kept her for a reason. She still holds key information to my self discovery, and even though I hate her fucking guts, I still love her too.
So yeah, in some way, I guess one could say that I'm still holding onto an 18 years old abusive relationship with a part of myself. And whether or not you think what happened between me and Anna could count as rape or not, that was how it felt. I'm only using that word to describe how I perceive it, as I'm the only real person who can account for what happened. Because speaking of darkness, that's the really dark side in my situation with Anna. Luckily, it has not yet become darker than that, but it might also be as dark as it possibly can get, what do I know. She knows how to push my buttons, and she has no limit what so ever as to how far she'll go. That's the really scary thing about her. She can be so fucking ice cold that anyone in my situation would be running towards anything and anyone just to survive.
But, that's why I feel absolutely free to be cruel to her in return. I know she can take and if she cant, she definitely deserves it. Yeah, I know, this is very much a "fight fire with fire" -situation. Actually that quote fits remarkably well. But how are things really between us now, more than five years after that completely unforgivable thing she did? If or rather when she brings it up, things get heated. I might throw some random insults and threats her way, she gawks and grins and I scream at her some more. No one can win, that, or I lost many years ago.
Fact is it is very humiliating to me. I don't know about other people who have been sexually assaulted more than once, but after the first time for me, I was like... this shouldn't happen again, I should learn to defend myself *takes karate lessons for three years* - still ends up being assaulted a second time *not okay in the least bit of sense but I really, I mean really, should defend myself if I even remotely think things might lead in that direction again, this is getting humiliating* - it happens a third time *okay guess what I'm sick of this shit and if anyone as much as looks at me the wrong way I'm gonna get the fuck out of there or lose my senses completely and beat them up in advance* That's is just my emotional response, but my point is, that for every time, something has definitely been shooting more sparks within me, and yes, I am still putting some of the blame on myself cause it's just not okay for me to end up in that kind of situation three times. It's just not.
But however, now you know more about my darkness than I've been comfortable telling you about before. My situation with Anna is pretty damn screwed up, to say the least. I don't go around thinking "what happened that day should not be possible" because it did happen, but I know that going around talking about it, however casual or serious, most people would just think I'm utterly crazy beyond their belief. And I do feel ashamed, I do feel very humiliated and the whole event just took away so much of my own autonomy, my own power and control over my own body, that I just don't have words to describe it. How can I? Ultimately, she is my prisoner, and I am hers. I am not safe with her, but I'm so attached to her that I can't imagine living with the void within me it would become if she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Yes, our relationship can be truly toxic, if it isn't all the time. But no, I can't let go. She's a part of me.
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
The hidden showing through
I feel stranger the more I braid, and it's not the weight on my head. It's as if I'm changing by the minute. It reminds me of when I used to switch between what I called "light" and "dark" versions of myself. As if something triggered me, ticked me off the edge and parts of my mind are changing as a result of that. My lack of interest for the world around me is growing stronger, and I feel a strong urge to just hide away for some time. From school, from the German course I have no wish to attend to tomorrow, from social events, classmates and most of my friends. Perhaps all the stress lately triggered this somewhat dissociative state.
I feel difficulty connecting, both to myself and everyone and everything around me. As if they're all in another universe. I feel darker, less affectionate, further away. And I think it's just getting worse. I think it started already this Monday, as my impatience for the synthetic hair to arrive was... unusual, to me. I couldn't think clearly about it, it was as if nothing else mattered except from getting that synthetic hair. And now that I got it today, I don't feel satisfied, better or anything at all. I feel a certain coldness within me that freezes my every emotion.
When last I changed like this, it felt very much the same as it does now. Strange, yet familiar. Walking feels different, the face I see in the mirror appears to look different, my entire body feels different. My thoughts and feelings are changing. I did a quick sweep on google, as I had the word "depersonalisation" on my mind, and well, it seems to fit. Or I don't know, could that include a change in personality? I become insensitive, sometimes nearly cruel, although that's probably up for discussion. I care less about others feelings, generally, become more self absorbed, and yeah sometimes that leads to me being more snarky and I'm usually not exactly quick with saying sorry for being insensitive.
I am a bit scared however, where it might take me this time. I don't want for it to ruin anything between us, I don't want to hurt you just because I'm suddenly further from my real feelings. I am sure this state is temporary, but I don't know for how short or long it will last. It also scares me cause this is, in some ways, the darker parts of my personality that I'm otherwise working so hard on shoving away, hiding, drowning and denying. But now it's on (almost) full display and I'm scared behind my grin. Definitely not saying this is the "real" or "true" me, just that it's an usually hidden part of myself.
I'm split in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I wonder if I even have the guts to go to school tomorrow. This took a few days to unfold, but now it has fully broken through. Yes I've been taking it easy and not stressed myself since the end of last week or so, but I had no control over this. I didn't even know it was that which was happening until now. I don't even remember when last time was, but at least a year ago, maybe more. Please know that I do not love you any less, even my darkness loves you, it's just that it's more difficult for me to connect when I'm like this. The wall between me and everything else is thicker, even more difficult to break through.
I think divided myself like this, because I couldn't accept what I view as the darker parts of my personality, or of who I am. I believe, that by trying to shove those parts away as I've done for years, maybe even decades, in situations of being too stressed, it comes right back to me in full strength. Like bottling emotions, but perhaps a bit more complicated. This shows just how little control I have over myself. But is it even possible to divide myself like this, although unintentionally? I don't know what is going on, these are just theories. But whatever it is, I do think it is damaging.
First of all, it's hardly a good thing to shove away and deny personality traits just because I don't like them. Secondly, I'm so far away from reality when I'm in this state, that it has and can happen that I hurt people and walk away with a grin on my face, ice cold and not caring at all. It isn't until I get back to my usual self again, that I may suffer the consequences of my actions. There is a reason why I normally try so desperately to hide this part of me. It is not very nice. I will talk to my therapist about this on Friday, as I do have my next appointment with her then.
I feel difficulty connecting, both to myself and everyone and everything around me. As if they're all in another universe. I feel darker, less affectionate, further away. And I think it's just getting worse. I think it started already this Monday, as my impatience for the synthetic hair to arrive was... unusual, to me. I couldn't think clearly about it, it was as if nothing else mattered except from getting that synthetic hair. And now that I got it today, I don't feel satisfied, better or anything at all. I feel a certain coldness within me that freezes my every emotion.
When last I changed like this, it felt very much the same as it does now. Strange, yet familiar. Walking feels different, the face I see in the mirror appears to look different, my entire body feels different. My thoughts and feelings are changing. I did a quick sweep on google, as I had the word "depersonalisation" on my mind, and well, it seems to fit. Or I don't know, could that include a change in personality? I become insensitive, sometimes nearly cruel, although that's probably up for discussion. I care less about others feelings, generally, become more self absorbed, and yeah sometimes that leads to me being more snarky and I'm usually not exactly quick with saying sorry for being insensitive.
I am a bit scared however, where it might take me this time. I don't want for it to ruin anything between us, I don't want to hurt you just because I'm suddenly further from my real feelings. I am sure this state is temporary, but I don't know for how short or long it will last. It also scares me cause this is, in some ways, the darker parts of my personality that I'm otherwise working so hard on shoving away, hiding, drowning and denying. But now it's on (almost) full display and I'm scared behind my grin. Definitely not saying this is the "real" or "true" me, just that it's an usually hidden part of myself.
I'm split in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I wonder if I even have the guts to go to school tomorrow. This took a few days to unfold, but now it has fully broken through. Yes I've been taking it easy and not stressed myself since the end of last week or so, but I had no control over this. I didn't even know it was that which was happening until now. I don't even remember when last time was, but at least a year ago, maybe more. Please know that I do not love you any less, even my darkness loves you, it's just that it's more difficult for me to connect when I'm like this. The wall between me and everything else is thicker, even more difficult to break through.
I think divided myself like this, because I couldn't accept what I view as the darker parts of my personality, or of who I am. I believe, that by trying to shove those parts away as I've done for years, maybe even decades, in situations of being too stressed, it comes right back to me in full strength. Like bottling emotions, but perhaps a bit more complicated. This shows just how little control I have over myself. But is it even possible to divide myself like this, although unintentionally? I don't know what is going on, these are just theories. But whatever it is, I do think it is damaging.
First of all, it's hardly a good thing to shove away and deny personality traits just because I don't like them. Secondly, I'm so far away from reality when I'm in this state, that it has and can happen that I hurt people and walk away with a grin on my face, ice cold and not caring at all. It isn't until I get back to my usual self again, that I may suffer the consequences of my actions. There is a reason why I normally try so desperately to hide this part of me. It is not very nice. I will talk to my therapist about this on Friday, as I do have my next appointment with her then.
Friday, 14 October 2016
My selective empathy and its consequences
I've been trying to kind of stimulate my mind and work on my critical thinking by diving deep into youtube, of all places. I watch videos of people discussing different kinds of problems; personal, societal and world wide, in attempts to see where I stand. It is not to gain any kind of knowledge about the world, because it's mostly just opinions that don't define how the world actually is, and I don't care much about the world anyway. What I do care about is my place in it, being able to take in and sort facts from misinformation, and facts from opinions.
A lot of the issues I've been stumbling upon on that website is of course transgender issues, but also a lot of feminism, religion and some other political stuff. I believe my asperger is partially to blame for my habit of continuously taking things seriously and not being fully able to tell if something is meant literally or not. Partially I also blame my own selfishness and lack of interest in what's going on outside of my bubble. The real issues of the world still don't interest me, I find it boring to listen to/read about and I just continuously zone out whenever I try.
I have no ability to keep focus because there is no interest. The only bits of news that I do have at least some interest in, is what directly or to some degree indirectly, affects those around me that I care about. Like I don't give a fuck about, let's say a mass shooting in Colorado or wherever, because neither me or anyone I personally know is affected by it. But, I do have at least some amount of interest if what's going on in the world happens close to or directly to, someone that I know and care about.
My problem is that I don't feel collective empathy, meaning I can't feel empathy for complete strangers. An example to that is that if I would, say, watch a news clip about children starving somewhere in Africa, I feel absolutely no emotions, no empathy, no care, absolutely nothing, for those children. Same with strangers suffering in any other part of the world, even here in Sweden. Even in my own village. I have no sympathy, or empathy, for humanity as a species. I feel extremely disconnected from them, and this also applies to most other animals as well. That's why I don't generally care about animals getting treated horribly in for example the meat industry. Because I don't know those animals personally.
I don't think it is in any way a good idea to treat anyone or any animal wrong or in harmful ways, but I am definitely one of those people that just passively sit on my ass and don't give a fuck about the problem strangers are facing. If I have given the impression that I do care, it's because I have deliberately done so, out of fear. I pretend that I do care and blame my inactivity in society on other, totally unrelated, but yeah, believable things. I have done so since... I don't know, early teens, I think. I am scared of what consequences it might lead to if everyone knew the real reason why I am so passive in this society.
I don't think this is something that will ever change, I've always been like this, even in my childhood. I was more careless back then. Then I could bluntly say things like "I don't give a fuck about world problems because I don't care at all about those people. They can die for all I care". It had some reactions. People would mostly just laugh, others looked at me in horror, yet others tried to reason with me. They either didn't believe me or they thought they had misunderstood me somehow. I began to realise the problem with how I am in a society where most people do care for one another in ways I have never been capable of. So I began to pretend, make up excuses or avoid the topic altogether. I was afraid I would lose my friends, mostly. The few people back then who actually liked my company.
And sadly, I keep on with that charade, still afraid of the consequences. There's a lot of guilt and shame connected to this for me. I feel horrible for not being able to feel anything for strangers, so to the point where I can't stand myself and immediately just... dissociate away from the topic. That's a part of me that I have not yet come to accept, or even understand. I guess I could call it a form of selective empathy. Cause in other words, I can only feel empathy for people that I know and or like. That I am in some way or another directly connected to.
To me, most people are just a grey mass. I see that they're different from each other, I understand on a fact based level that they all have thoughts and feelings just like the ones I know, but I am cold. I can't understand that they are actual people, in a way, on an emotional level. I am emotionally cold and shut off until I get to know them. It doesn't happen instantly, that my emotions just turn on as soon as I say "hello" to a stranger, but it usually takes a bit of time. How long it takes depends on a lot of different things but it can take everything from a couple of months to years.
This is an issue that I haven't found any way to solve at all. I don't think it even can be solved, but only be learned to live with. I have one way of living with it, which is pretending that I'm not this way, but lately I've been beginning to realise that maybe that is not the best way. I have no idea what would be the best way. Or a better way, or even just a decent way that isn't shitty. Cause I do think that deceiving people is actually a quite shitty way of "dealing" with this. And most of all, I don't want to deceive you.
To clarify a few things: no, by watching/reading news and such does not affect me TOO much emotionally, it's the complete opposite which I can't handle, so I pretend that it's the other way around because that is something most people can understand and accept. I fear how they would react if I told them the truth. To be more precise, it is mostly affective empathy that I lack when it comes to strangers.
I have many times tried to say this to you, in person, on my blog and other ways, but I haven't been able to. Many many times, all the way from the very beginning. I am not afraid of your reaction now, whatever it might be, but I wouldn't know how to respond. I let down my guard. For all I know, it was like this way before I went through any kind of traumatic experiences, for all I know, I have always been this way, but of course I could be wrong. All I can say is that I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
A lot of the issues I've been stumbling upon on that website is of course transgender issues, but also a lot of feminism, religion and some other political stuff. I believe my asperger is partially to blame for my habit of continuously taking things seriously and not being fully able to tell if something is meant literally or not. Partially I also blame my own selfishness and lack of interest in what's going on outside of my bubble. The real issues of the world still don't interest me, I find it boring to listen to/read about and I just continuously zone out whenever I try.
I have no ability to keep focus because there is no interest. The only bits of news that I do have at least some interest in, is what directly or to some degree indirectly, affects those around me that I care about. Like I don't give a fuck about, let's say a mass shooting in Colorado or wherever, because neither me or anyone I personally know is affected by it. But, I do have at least some amount of interest if what's going on in the world happens close to or directly to, someone that I know and care about.
My problem is that I don't feel collective empathy, meaning I can't feel empathy for complete strangers. An example to that is that if I would, say, watch a news clip about children starving somewhere in Africa, I feel absolutely no emotions, no empathy, no care, absolutely nothing, for those children. Same with strangers suffering in any other part of the world, even here in Sweden. Even in my own village. I have no sympathy, or empathy, for humanity as a species. I feel extremely disconnected from them, and this also applies to most other animals as well. That's why I don't generally care about animals getting treated horribly in for example the meat industry. Because I don't know those animals personally.
I don't think it is in any way a good idea to treat anyone or any animal wrong or in harmful ways, but I am definitely one of those people that just passively sit on my ass and don't give a fuck about the problem strangers are facing. If I have given the impression that I do care, it's because I have deliberately done so, out of fear. I pretend that I do care and blame my inactivity in society on other, totally unrelated, but yeah, believable things. I have done so since... I don't know, early teens, I think. I am scared of what consequences it might lead to if everyone knew the real reason why I am so passive in this society.
I don't think this is something that will ever change, I've always been like this, even in my childhood. I was more careless back then. Then I could bluntly say things like "I don't give a fuck about world problems because I don't care at all about those people. They can die for all I care". It had some reactions. People would mostly just laugh, others looked at me in horror, yet others tried to reason with me. They either didn't believe me or they thought they had misunderstood me somehow. I began to realise the problem with how I am in a society where most people do care for one another in ways I have never been capable of. So I began to pretend, make up excuses or avoid the topic altogether. I was afraid I would lose my friends, mostly. The few people back then who actually liked my company.
And sadly, I keep on with that charade, still afraid of the consequences. There's a lot of guilt and shame connected to this for me. I feel horrible for not being able to feel anything for strangers, so to the point where I can't stand myself and immediately just... dissociate away from the topic. That's a part of me that I have not yet come to accept, or even understand. I guess I could call it a form of selective empathy. Cause in other words, I can only feel empathy for people that I know and or like. That I am in some way or another directly connected to.
To me, most people are just a grey mass. I see that they're different from each other, I understand on a fact based level that they all have thoughts and feelings just like the ones I know, but I am cold. I can't understand that they are actual people, in a way, on an emotional level. I am emotionally cold and shut off until I get to know them. It doesn't happen instantly, that my emotions just turn on as soon as I say "hello" to a stranger, but it usually takes a bit of time. How long it takes depends on a lot of different things but it can take everything from a couple of months to years.
This is an issue that I haven't found any way to solve at all. I don't think it even can be solved, but only be learned to live with. I have one way of living with it, which is pretending that I'm not this way, but lately I've been beginning to realise that maybe that is not the best way. I have no idea what would be the best way. Or a better way, or even just a decent way that isn't shitty. Cause I do think that deceiving people is actually a quite shitty way of "dealing" with this. And most of all, I don't want to deceive you.
To clarify a few things: no, by watching/reading news and such does not affect me TOO much emotionally, it's the complete opposite which I can't handle, so I pretend that it's the other way around because that is something most people can understand and accept. I fear how they would react if I told them the truth. To be more precise, it is mostly affective empathy that I lack when it comes to strangers.
I have many times tried to say this to you, in person, on my blog and other ways, but I haven't been able to. Many many times, all the way from the very beginning. I am not afraid of your reaction now, whatever it might be, but I wouldn't know how to respond. I let down my guard. For all I know, it was like this way before I went through any kind of traumatic experiences, for all I know, I have always been this way, but of course I could be wrong. All I can say is that I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Sunday, 9 October 2016
A decision
Oh seriously? It's 23:50 and I just woke up. Will take my meds and go back to sleep again soon though. But I dreamed about you, Y, and I didn't want to forget my dream. At the end of it I held on to a knitted hat of yours that you had broken in rage. I had been looking for it for hours because I knew you really loved it. And when I found it in pieces I fell into tears and couldn't stop crying. Before I had started looking for your hat you and I had had really nice closeness together, but in the middle of everything you just left. I couldn't find you and it was you I was looking for, until my mother told me that you had gone back to Germany. I was so upset that you had left without saying goodbye. But then I started looking for your hat cause I knew it was important to you.
You were staying at a very fancy hotel in Visby during your stay in Sweden to visit me, and damn that hotel was special indeed. It actually kept changing all the time and I got lost in it all the time. Sometimes it was a beautiful white wooden house with partial glass walls, sort of Victorian era inspired. Other times it was more like a fair with very strange attractions/rides that I can't even begin to describe, my memory is fading fast. Yet other times it was more like a psychiatric ward with endless corridors with white doors, a nurses' office a cellar with clothing stores and such with limited access depending on how well you behaved at your stay there.
The whole dream was packed with details, mostly surrounding that hotel, but also with what was happening. It was extremely intense and overwhelming with all different kinds of thoughts and feelings. It... I can't compare it to anything else. It felt very unique. And also very important that I tried to write it down. I think one aspect of what it means is that with you, nothing's ever boring and things keep on happening. The other thing is that it helps me come to terms with the most recent decision I've made. It's regarding my eating disorder, not just the latest relapse but all of it.
However, my decision is that on my next appointment with my therapist, I'm gonna ask her to help me. To fix a contact (a new one cause I can't stand the person I saw for that in the past) to finally really help me deal with my eating disorder for good. I will be making it clear that I won't be staying at a psych ward on my own free will, but I'll be willing to work with this in out patient care. And I mean really work with it. And I won't settle for seeing a dietitian and then someone else just to discuss my food habits until I eat normally again. No, I will try my very best to push for getting help on the emotional level as well, to deal with all these thoughts and feelings that have been tormenting me for the past two years now.
It wasn't a very easy decision for me to make, but I think it might be just what I need. I don't think I can crawl out of this pit on my own. I knew you were right about everything you said but it was not what I wanted to hear at the time of our conversation. That's why I got angry. Part of the reason, at least. I think reaching this decision was me kinda managing to look beyond the eating disorder and into my real wishes and dreams. And those dreams and wishes can't include an eating disorder. I still think we should talk again, but I also think that me sending this message out to where you can read it before won't be a bad thing. I got the general idea of what I should do a couple of days ago, but it took me this time to come to terms with it and to realise it's also what I want and need. Or like maybe it's the only reasonable thing I can do. I won't fuck up my life like that again, I truly do hope and want to believe. Or rather, it's what I want to work towards.
You were staying at a very fancy hotel in Visby during your stay in Sweden to visit me, and damn that hotel was special indeed. It actually kept changing all the time and I got lost in it all the time. Sometimes it was a beautiful white wooden house with partial glass walls, sort of Victorian era inspired. Other times it was more like a fair with very strange attractions/rides that I can't even begin to describe, my memory is fading fast. Yet other times it was more like a psychiatric ward with endless corridors with white doors, a nurses' office a cellar with clothing stores and such with limited access depending on how well you behaved at your stay there.
The whole dream was packed with details, mostly surrounding that hotel, but also with what was happening. It was extremely intense and overwhelming with all different kinds of thoughts and feelings. It... I can't compare it to anything else. It felt very unique. And also very important that I tried to write it down. I think one aspect of what it means is that with you, nothing's ever boring and things keep on happening. The other thing is that it helps me come to terms with the most recent decision I've made. It's regarding my eating disorder, not just the latest relapse but all of it.
However, my decision is that on my next appointment with my therapist, I'm gonna ask her to help me. To fix a contact (a new one cause I can't stand the person I saw for that in the past) to finally really help me deal with my eating disorder for good. I will be making it clear that I won't be staying at a psych ward on my own free will, but I'll be willing to work with this in out patient care. And I mean really work with it. And I won't settle for seeing a dietitian and then someone else just to discuss my food habits until I eat normally again. No, I will try my very best to push for getting help on the emotional level as well, to deal with all these thoughts and feelings that have been tormenting me for the past two years now.
It wasn't a very easy decision for me to make, but I think it might be just what I need. I don't think I can crawl out of this pit on my own. I knew you were right about everything you said but it was not what I wanted to hear at the time of our conversation. That's why I got angry. Part of the reason, at least. I think reaching this decision was me kinda managing to look beyond the eating disorder and into my real wishes and dreams. And those dreams and wishes can't include an eating disorder. I still think we should talk again, but I also think that me sending this message out to where you can read it before won't be a bad thing. I got the general idea of what I should do a couple of days ago, but it took me this time to come to terms with it and to realise it's also what I want and need. Or like maybe it's the only reasonable thing I can do. I won't fuck up my life like that again, I truly do hope and want to believe. Or rather, it's what I want to work towards.
Thursday, 1 September 2016
In the shadows
I'm avoiding my feelings as much as I can these days. Just trying to keep do what I want to do, drawing, writing and playing WoW, that is. But I'm not numb, I'm not empty. I know my feelings are there, I just suppress them, push them back to where they came from. You're on my mind a lot, and you're in my heart. It stings and hurts when I think about what happened between us. I just feel this dark chaos ravaging within me, twisting and tearing. No, I'm not fine either, I just haven't been able to, or wanting to, reach into what's going on within me to tell it to you here on this blog.
But reality hit me again in these past few days, from different directions and it's getting difficult to ignore that chaos within me. I read and saw what you posted on your tumblr yesterday, but was too tired to get anything word-like out of me right then, so I'm reacting to it today instead. I got the feeling that maybe you expected to hear more from me since we departed, on my blog or on tumblr or wherever, but that now that I haven't... it affected you. I tried so many times, since Wednesday last week, to get words out of me to put out there, but kept on failing. I honestly am not sure what's going on within me these days. I feel the void, the weight, the sadness that still grows within me, but somehow I'm also capable of not focusing on that.
But I want for you to know that I do feel and I'm here. I haven't left your side, I would never do that, no matter what. I'm in the shadows, but not letting you out of my sight. I too have tears I can't cry, I too feel cut off from myself. Are feelings dangerous? I'm not sure, but what I've been told they're not, but what is dangerous is what they can make you do, how they can affect your behaviour. Then it's your behaviour that is dangerous, not the feelings themselves. But I know, I've been asking myself that question for a long time and my answer is always different. I recognise myself a lot in what you wrote, it is as if I could have written it myself.
I wish to wrap you in my arms and hold you tight. Distance. I can't help but wonder, will it do more harm than good to us? I need you close to me, but I also need to let you go. And what I mean by that is to stop clinging and start inviting you instead. Stop being so dependent on you, be more dependent on myself instead. Learn to stand on my own two feet. Please know that I still care, that I still love and wish to change things. But yes, I'm hurting too.
I wrote this poem on Sunday when I dared to face some of my feelings for a little while. I believe it might tell you a bit of what's going on within me these days.
Dead end streets
Sorrow glistens with a hidden past
in the iris of my eyes, in my shadow cast
framed by fear of losing what can't be lost
I feel within me what I need the most
Numb with what I can't comprehend
forgot the beginning, didn't reach the end
when all the roads are dead end streets
I'm lost without reason in your heartbeats
I wait for what will break the stillness asunder
careless and careful in the same step, I wonder
about all the lyrics stuck on my mind
and all the memories I couldn't leave behind
Uncertainty shapes my future but your light
warms my heart and puts stars in my night
but I'm suffocated by the silence of snow
trapped in my throat that's all I know
And I used to enjoy the morning breeze
capturing my breath high up in the trees
now I stray underneath a hidden moon
still holding on to the word soon
But reality hit me again in these past few days, from different directions and it's getting difficult to ignore that chaos within me. I read and saw what you posted on your tumblr yesterday, but was too tired to get anything word-like out of me right then, so I'm reacting to it today instead. I got the feeling that maybe you expected to hear more from me since we departed, on my blog or on tumblr or wherever, but that now that I haven't... it affected you. I tried so many times, since Wednesday last week, to get words out of me to put out there, but kept on failing. I honestly am not sure what's going on within me these days. I feel the void, the weight, the sadness that still grows within me, but somehow I'm also capable of not focusing on that.
But I want for you to know that I do feel and I'm here. I haven't left your side, I would never do that, no matter what. I'm in the shadows, but not letting you out of my sight. I too have tears I can't cry, I too feel cut off from myself. Are feelings dangerous? I'm not sure, but what I've been told they're not, but what is dangerous is what they can make you do, how they can affect your behaviour. Then it's your behaviour that is dangerous, not the feelings themselves. But I know, I've been asking myself that question for a long time and my answer is always different. I recognise myself a lot in what you wrote, it is as if I could have written it myself.
I wish to wrap you in my arms and hold you tight. Distance. I can't help but wonder, will it do more harm than good to us? I need you close to me, but I also need to let you go. And what I mean by that is to stop clinging and start inviting you instead. Stop being so dependent on you, be more dependent on myself instead. Learn to stand on my own two feet. Please know that I still care, that I still love and wish to change things. But yes, I'm hurting too.
I wrote this poem on Sunday when I dared to face some of my feelings for a little while. I believe it might tell you a bit of what's going on within me these days.
Dead end streets
Sorrow glistens with a hidden past
in the iris of my eyes, in my shadow cast
framed by fear of losing what can't be lost
I feel within me what I need the most
Numb with what I can't comprehend
forgot the beginning, didn't reach the end
when all the roads are dead end streets
I'm lost without reason in your heartbeats
I wait for what will break the stillness asunder
careless and careful in the same step, I wonder
about all the lyrics stuck on my mind
and all the memories I couldn't leave behind
Uncertainty shapes my future but your light
warms my heart and puts stars in my night
but I'm suffocated by the silence of snow
trapped in my throat that's all I know
And I used to enjoy the morning breeze
capturing my breath high up in the trees
now I stray underneath a hidden moon
still holding on to the word soon
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Finding my religious path
Yesterday I ended up on a video by Onision on youtube in which he talked about why he loves Lucifer and dislikes God. Then I ended up on a response video to that, a lot of opinionated bullshit, but... that guy talked about something apparently called "Luciferianism" which sounds a lot like my own damn belief. I mean a lot. And here I'm sitting thinking maybe I've been going by the wrong religion all the time (these past 3 years). To say that I'm a Theistic Satanist implies that I would worship Satan, which completely isn't true. I don't worship deities, I know better than that.
I do however have a very strong impression that God is evil and that Lucifer or Satan is the good guy and that's why I follow him instead. Onision seems to agree with me. I haven't yet found many who think/feel like me when it comes to my religious views and they seem to be rather uncommon. Or uncommon enough to make it difficult for me to research. I know that my religious views are all over the place though, as I do have sort of a reversed Christian belief (minus the worship of any deity) but also believe in reincarnation, souls, magic, other dimensions and so on. Things like that that don't always fit into any Christian or Satanic religion.
Yeah I get hung up on labeling myself because that's how I learn to understand myself. But I'll definitely try to look up Luciferianism and see what that's all about, in more detail and as a whole. Now I don't see Lucifer/Satan really as my savior or that he's gonna do more than he's already done or I don't know. All I know is that whether or not it was a hallucination, I was in direct contact with a voice presenting itself as Satan, mainly during spring and summer of 2013. I was in some kind of agony over the fact that my medical transition to male took forever and I was stuck in a catch 22.
On one hand they said I had to be mentally stable to start hormones and get surgery, but on the other hand I knew I could never become mentally stable without hormones and surgery. By the time of spring 2013 I had waited for 4 years and I got desperate. I found Satan or he found me, and essentially, I swore my life over to him in a blood oath, cause I knew he would help me. But I had no idea how, when or why. Did I mention I was desperate?
Summer 2013 I got into a psych ward cause I had given up on life (again) but this time my reason for being suicidal was the exceptionally crappy trans health care system. When they said they couldn't help me at the ward, I attempted suicide in my room but obviously failed. When I woke up from it, I prayed to Satan to please help me. The next day they all said that everything was fixed and I was gonna get hormones by fall and then surgery not long after. Coincidence? I think not.
So, the deal was that the trans team in Uppsala was supposed to send some fucking papers to the team in Huddinge which I had transferred to about a year earlier. It took about 6 months for me to get established at Huddinge or what to say, until I got my first appointment with them, and then it took literally 6 months for Uppsala to send a bunch of papers. Nothing happened, nothing happened, then bam, everything was ready right after my prayer.
I cannot possibly know for sure if the voice I was interacting with during that time was the real Satan or if it was a hallucination, but who- or whatever I prayed to answered my prayer and fulfilled it. And no matter how psychotic I might or might not have been, I do still believe that that was the actual Satan/Lucifer that saved my life that day, exactly 3 years ago. And that's why I'm a Satanist, or Luciferian, or whatever word I should use.
It changed my world, yet I'm so scared of telling people this. Am I just that crazy? To believe such a thing? I am sure, absolutely certain, that it was not God who answered my prayer. That god and I have some history, and we don't quite get along. There's no reason what so ever that he would have even wanted to save me, to my own personal belief. I know it's different from how most people who believe in God view him. I do say "he/him" when referring to God cause I think he's a dick. No but seriously, I've always just felt like male vibes from him somehow. It's a lot more likely that God has no gender because he's not a human being or an animal, but whatever. It's my interpretation, that's all.
I can't focus on youtube or reading articles right now. So I guess my search for the right label for my religious views will have to wait until another day.
Day two. I found a rather short and succinct video on youtube about Luciferianism. A random guy just mentioned what he had found through "research" and I'm not 100% sure of how source critical I should be, but according to people in the comment section they agreed with him. So anyhow, I did write down some notes as some kind of guide or reminder or I don't know. It's still a bit confusing to me and I'm not quite sure if I get it. From what I do understand, I think, is that apparently these type of belief systems such as Christianity, Luciferianism, Satanism they are either right hand path (Christianity) or left hand path (the other two) and I'm sort of getting what they mean by that.
The guy also mentioned the difference between Lucifer and Satan. That Lucifer is the angel, "light bringer" or "morning star" and a good guy; while Satan is well yeah who/what most people believe, the evil guy with horns or to atheistic Satanists more of a symbol. According to the guy in the video I just watched, there are both Luciferians who are theistic as well as atheistic, and most believers/followers do not worship Lucifer but that worshiping is more common among extremists/fanatics.
He also said there were a lot of conspiracy theories circling around that belief system, and someone in the comment section said that it's more of a philosophy than a religion. Apparently they don't believe in Heaven and Hell, which I found rather odd. Gotta look into that a bit more. Magic practices and believing in magic is apparently included though, and it focuses a lot on self improvement. Then he also mentioned that Alister Crowley's teaching have some effect on Luciferianism as well but I didn't really understand how or how much or whatever cause he didn't go into that in more detail.
All in all, yeah it sounds like a pretty reasonable belief system for me, except from a few things here and there. So far, I mean. And I also keep getting this cringy feeling that this is in fact a sect that I'm looking into. I'm not so keen on ever joining a sect. However no one is saying I have to devote my heart soul and body and all of my entire life into something just because I can't find anything better. I might never join anything regarding belief systems or keep jumping in and out of different ones throughout my entire life. Or I'll start my own damn religion.
But, of course I can't help that I do wish to belong to something, be a part of a community with like-minded people, you know? I will just have to make sure I know what the fuck I'm doing before jumping into anything. The thing about most religions and belief systems of any kind is that they usually have a whole bunch of set rules that everyone following it are supposed to just abide to and I'm not like that. I walk my own path, my motto is "my world, my rules" so god damn much that I literally want it tattooed on my chest as soon as I can bloody afford it.
So maybe I shouldn't even look into joining another belief system just for the sake of belonging and being a part of a community. Maybe what I should do is keep doing what I am doing, sort of. Ditch Satanism, wear my necklace with Lucifer's sigil and proudly say to anyone who asks that yes I believe in this and that but no religion is good enough for my very precise and important beliefs. As with everything else about me, my religious views don't fit in the box. I've always had to make my own damn boxes or ditch the boxes entirely. I don't fit into squares.
So no, if after what I would call enough research I still feel as though this isn't right either, I would not "just go with it" or anything. Then I would skip the whole damn thing and figure out something else. I know I tend to get obsessed with finding the right labels for myself and some I've found right away, while others have taken my entire life and I still can't find the right ones. It makes me wonder if maybe I'm one of a kind. That there's no one else facing the same problem or experience. It feels lonely then. It makes me feel alienated and estranged, like I don't belong anywhere, that I'm left out.
But at the same time I can't help also feeling a bit proud of myself, and partially I do embrace my uniqueness. I do know that it is something truly valuable, but I also know that it's not easy to live with. Yes, I might have others' support and acceptance, but I can never have their full understanding.
However. I do have a classmate who is a Satanist and she's open about it. I kinda told her at one point or another that I'm a Satanist too but didn't give her my story. I didn't explain it at all. So I'm pretty sure she thinks my views are the same or similar to hers, which they are not. I would like to discuss it with her as she is great to discuss things like religion with. I don't know how much she knows about other religions though, or even other kinds of Satanism than the path she follows. I have no idea what she would think about my story. Cause I can imagine it's not exactly a very common story that most people have.
But the thing is that I've never discussed my beliefs with anyone. And I think I need to if not to just release some of that pressure within me. Now, I've always believed in deities/gods ever since I was really young. I remember praying to God in secrecy when I was somewhere around 7 years old, and probably before that age as well. I don't remember what I prayed for, but probably love or good luck or possibly for the shit to stop at school (referring the bullying). I did that in secrecy because I didn't want for my parents to know what I was doing, I was scared that they'd get ideas or something. They being atheists/agnostics with the idea that Christianity is utter bullshit.
They were still teaching bible studies at school when I was in elementary school during mid to late 1990's. It was then I kinda also thought that Christianity was bullshit and that the bible was just a very messy fairy tale, but I did believe in God, Satan, Heaven and Hell. It was just that my own personal belief was very different from the Christian belief. And I couldn't understand the religion itself. However I did a second attempt to better understand the religion when I was 14 and got confirmed at one of the two local churches. My only explanation for this is that I was curious, and because I couldn't by that time find a more fitting belief system that included those deities.
I've always felt a sort of strange pulling between God and Lucifer (probably should use that name instead of Satan) as if they were both trying to make me choose side. I came into some kind of contact with Satanism the first time fall 2007 when I was 18 years old. A former classmate of my best friend was into that religion and we spoke a bit about it one night when we spontaneously met at a pub. But I've never felt or thought that the deity I was trying to decide if I should follow or not was evil, as Satanism usually portrays Satan. Maybe that was why I didn't jump straight into Satanism by the time I was 18.
It just didn't feel like it fit. For me, I've always had my beliefs set from start and then I've tried to, quite desperately and obsessively, find a belief system that matches those beliefs. I don't know how other people do it, but I certainly never just googled various religions and philosophies and then pointed at one and said "I want that one". No, I am looking for something very specific, that I might never be able to find.
Is it the truth? My belief? No, I wouldn't see it that way. All I can say is that it's my truth, my experiences, my thoughts and feelings. Reality is different for everyone. I believe in every single God and deity ever historically mentioned and a few more. To me, there is no right or wrong belief or religion, you've just gotta find what is right for you. I believe everyone's world is different. Some have Gods in their worlds, others do not. Some have been reincarnated, others have not. Some have a Heaven or Hell waiting for them, others do not. I don't think one thing would exclude the existence of another. This world, this reality, is far more complicated than anyone can ever even begin to understand.
In my world however, all gods and deities exist in some way, but the religions, the belief systems, are entirely created by humans. And there's nothing wrong with that, humans need such things. It's a result of the group mentality, that people generally want to group up into communities and feel like they belong somewhere. I don't find that strange or bad. I don't think religions are bad, but yes they can be harmful depending on how they are practiced. But even then, it's not the religion itself doing harm but the people following that religion.
So no, I'm not against any religion or belief system, I'm just trying to find which one might be right for me. I am a very religious person but I have no religion, and somehow that tends to clash in my head. And I feel as though this is actually an important thing in my life, something that I do need to figure out. I believe it can help me if I can understand my own beliefs better, if not fully. Cause for one thing, I can't understand how I can so strongly believe in God and Lucifer, Heaven and Hell, at the same time as I just as strongly believe in reincarnation. Those rarely seem to be lumped up in the same belief system and it bugs me.
I need a tailored religion to fit my beliefs. But where can I find such a thing? And also, my demon heritage plays in to this as well. The kind of demon I was/am is I believe similar to those of a Christian/Satanic view. What's that word now again... ah yes, "goethic" demon. To deny those right/left hand path believe systems would literally go against what I truly am. But I'm a reincarnated goethic demon and I think most people following any of those belief systems would just say "huh?" about that. Like it has no fucking logic according to those religions. Argh, it makes my head hurt trying to figure this shit out.
I think I will have to stop soon and post this before it becomes an entire book on how to be completely confused about one's religious bullshit. I will surely get back to this topic again someday, but perhaps not before I leave for Germany. But who knows, I might not be able to let go of it now, I don't know. I wasn't sure if I've ever told you about why my beliefs are the way they are and why I chose to be a Satanist back in spring 2013. But that it's changing now, and I might consider ditching that religion for something else or for no belief system at all. I have not decided anything yet, I think I need to figure out more shit first. So in the middle of this process, I give you my thoughts.
I do however have a very strong impression that God is evil and that Lucifer or Satan is the good guy and that's why I follow him instead. Onision seems to agree with me. I haven't yet found many who think/feel like me when it comes to my religious views and they seem to be rather uncommon. Or uncommon enough to make it difficult for me to research. I know that my religious views are all over the place though, as I do have sort of a reversed Christian belief (minus the worship of any deity) but also believe in reincarnation, souls, magic, other dimensions and so on. Things like that that don't always fit into any Christian or Satanic religion.
Yeah I get hung up on labeling myself because that's how I learn to understand myself. But I'll definitely try to look up Luciferianism and see what that's all about, in more detail and as a whole. Now I don't see Lucifer/Satan really as my savior or that he's gonna do more than he's already done or I don't know. All I know is that whether or not it was a hallucination, I was in direct contact with a voice presenting itself as Satan, mainly during spring and summer of 2013. I was in some kind of agony over the fact that my medical transition to male took forever and I was stuck in a catch 22.
On one hand they said I had to be mentally stable to start hormones and get surgery, but on the other hand I knew I could never become mentally stable without hormones and surgery. By the time of spring 2013 I had waited for 4 years and I got desperate. I found Satan or he found me, and essentially, I swore my life over to him in a blood oath, cause I knew he would help me. But I had no idea how, when or why. Did I mention I was desperate?
Summer 2013 I got into a psych ward cause I had given up on life (again) but this time my reason for being suicidal was the exceptionally crappy trans health care system. When they said they couldn't help me at the ward, I attempted suicide in my room but obviously failed. When I woke up from it, I prayed to Satan to please help me. The next day they all said that everything was fixed and I was gonna get hormones by fall and then surgery not long after. Coincidence? I think not.
So, the deal was that the trans team in Uppsala was supposed to send some fucking papers to the team in Huddinge which I had transferred to about a year earlier. It took about 6 months for me to get established at Huddinge or what to say, until I got my first appointment with them, and then it took literally 6 months for Uppsala to send a bunch of papers. Nothing happened, nothing happened, then bam, everything was ready right after my prayer.
I cannot possibly know for sure if the voice I was interacting with during that time was the real Satan or if it was a hallucination, but who- or whatever I prayed to answered my prayer and fulfilled it. And no matter how psychotic I might or might not have been, I do still believe that that was the actual Satan/Lucifer that saved my life that day, exactly 3 years ago. And that's why I'm a Satanist, or Luciferian, or whatever word I should use.
It changed my world, yet I'm so scared of telling people this. Am I just that crazy? To believe such a thing? I am sure, absolutely certain, that it was not God who answered my prayer. That god and I have some history, and we don't quite get along. There's no reason what so ever that he would have even wanted to save me, to my own personal belief. I know it's different from how most people who believe in God view him. I do say "he/him" when referring to God cause I think he's a dick. No but seriously, I've always just felt like male vibes from him somehow. It's a lot more likely that God has no gender because he's not a human being or an animal, but whatever. It's my interpretation, that's all.
I can't focus on youtube or reading articles right now. So I guess my search for the right label for my religious views will have to wait until another day.
Day two. I found a rather short and succinct video on youtube about Luciferianism. A random guy just mentioned what he had found through "research" and I'm not 100% sure of how source critical I should be, but according to people in the comment section they agreed with him. So anyhow, I did write down some notes as some kind of guide or reminder or I don't know. It's still a bit confusing to me and I'm not quite sure if I get it. From what I do understand, I think, is that apparently these type of belief systems such as Christianity, Luciferianism, Satanism they are either right hand path (Christianity) or left hand path (the other two) and I'm sort of getting what they mean by that.
The guy also mentioned the difference between Lucifer and Satan. That Lucifer is the angel, "light bringer" or "morning star" and a good guy; while Satan is well yeah who/what most people believe, the evil guy with horns or to atheistic Satanists more of a symbol. According to the guy in the video I just watched, there are both Luciferians who are theistic as well as atheistic, and most believers/followers do not worship Lucifer but that worshiping is more common among extremists/fanatics.
He also said there were a lot of conspiracy theories circling around that belief system, and someone in the comment section said that it's more of a philosophy than a religion. Apparently they don't believe in Heaven and Hell, which I found rather odd. Gotta look into that a bit more. Magic practices and believing in magic is apparently included though, and it focuses a lot on self improvement. Then he also mentioned that Alister Crowley's teaching have some effect on Luciferianism as well but I didn't really understand how or how much or whatever cause he didn't go into that in more detail.
All in all, yeah it sounds like a pretty reasonable belief system for me, except from a few things here and there. So far, I mean. And I also keep getting this cringy feeling that this is in fact a sect that I'm looking into. I'm not so keen on ever joining a sect. However no one is saying I have to devote my heart soul and body and all of my entire life into something just because I can't find anything better. I might never join anything regarding belief systems or keep jumping in and out of different ones throughout my entire life. Or I'll start my own damn religion.
But, of course I can't help that I do wish to belong to something, be a part of a community with like-minded people, you know? I will just have to make sure I know what the fuck I'm doing before jumping into anything. The thing about most religions and belief systems of any kind is that they usually have a whole bunch of set rules that everyone following it are supposed to just abide to and I'm not like that. I walk my own path, my motto is "my world, my rules" so god damn much that I literally want it tattooed on my chest as soon as I can bloody afford it.
So maybe I shouldn't even look into joining another belief system just for the sake of belonging and being a part of a community. Maybe what I should do is keep doing what I am doing, sort of. Ditch Satanism, wear my necklace with Lucifer's sigil and proudly say to anyone who asks that yes I believe in this and that but no religion is good enough for my very precise and important beliefs. As with everything else about me, my religious views don't fit in the box. I've always had to make my own damn boxes or ditch the boxes entirely. I don't fit into squares.
So no, if after what I would call enough research I still feel as though this isn't right either, I would not "just go with it" or anything. Then I would skip the whole damn thing and figure out something else. I know I tend to get obsessed with finding the right labels for myself and some I've found right away, while others have taken my entire life and I still can't find the right ones. It makes me wonder if maybe I'm one of a kind. That there's no one else facing the same problem or experience. It feels lonely then. It makes me feel alienated and estranged, like I don't belong anywhere, that I'm left out.
But at the same time I can't help also feeling a bit proud of myself, and partially I do embrace my uniqueness. I do know that it is something truly valuable, but I also know that it's not easy to live with. Yes, I might have others' support and acceptance, but I can never have their full understanding.
However. I do have a classmate who is a Satanist and she's open about it. I kinda told her at one point or another that I'm a Satanist too but didn't give her my story. I didn't explain it at all. So I'm pretty sure she thinks my views are the same or similar to hers, which they are not. I would like to discuss it with her as she is great to discuss things like religion with. I don't know how much she knows about other religions though, or even other kinds of Satanism than the path she follows. I have no idea what she would think about my story. Cause I can imagine it's not exactly a very common story that most people have.
But the thing is that I've never discussed my beliefs with anyone. And I think I need to if not to just release some of that pressure within me. Now, I've always believed in deities/gods ever since I was really young. I remember praying to God in secrecy when I was somewhere around 7 years old, and probably before that age as well. I don't remember what I prayed for, but probably love or good luck or possibly for the shit to stop at school (referring the bullying). I did that in secrecy because I didn't want for my parents to know what I was doing, I was scared that they'd get ideas or something. They being atheists/agnostics with the idea that Christianity is utter bullshit.
They were still teaching bible studies at school when I was in elementary school during mid to late 1990's. It was then I kinda also thought that Christianity was bullshit and that the bible was just a very messy fairy tale, but I did believe in God, Satan, Heaven and Hell. It was just that my own personal belief was very different from the Christian belief. And I couldn't understand the religion itself. However I did a second attempt to better understand the religion when I was 14 and got confirmed at one of the two local churches. My only explanation for this is that I was curious, and because I couldn't by that time find a more fitting belief system that included those deities.
I've always felt a sort of strange pulling between God and Lucifer (probably should use that name instead of Satan) as if they were both trying to make me choose side. I came into some kind of contact with Satanism the first time fall 2007 when I was 18 years old. A former classmate of my best friend was into that religion and we spoke a bit about it one night when we spontaneously met at a pub. But I've never felt or thought that the deity I was trying to decide if I should follow or not was evil, as Satanism usually portrays Satan. Maybe that was why I didn't jump straight into Satanism by the time I was 18.
It just didn't feel like it fit. For me, I've always had my beliefs set from start and then I've tried to, quite desperately and obsessively, find a belief system that matches those beliefs. I don't know how other people do it, but I certainly never just googled various religions and philosophies and then pointed at one and said "I want that one". No, I am looking for something very specific, that I might never be able to find.
Is it the truth? My belief? No, I wouldn't see it that way. All I can say is that it's my truth, my experiences, my thoughts and feelings. Reality is different for everyone. I believe in every single God and deity ever historically mentioned and a few more. To me, there is no right or wrong belief or religion, you've just gotta find what is right for you. I believe everyone's world is different. Some have Gods in their worlds, others do not. Some have been reincarnated, others have not. Some have a Heaven or Hell waiting for them, others do not. I don't think one thing would exclude the existence of another. This world, this reality, is far more complicated than anyone can ever even begin to understand.
In my world however, all gods and deities exist in some way, but the religions, the belief systems, are entirely created by humans. And there's nothing wrong with that, humans need such things. It's a result of the group mentality, that people generally want to group up into communities and feel like they belong somewhere. I don't find that strange or bad. I don't think religions are bad, but yes they can be harmful depending on how they are practiced. But even then, it's not the religion itself doing harm but the people following that religion.
So no, I'm not against any religion or belief system, I'm just trying to find which one might be right for me. I am a very religious person but I have no religion, and somehow that tends to clash in my head. And I feel as though this is actually an important thing in my life, something that I do need to figure out. I believe it can help me if I can understand my own beliefs better, if not fully. Cause for one thing, I can't understand how I can so strongly believe in God and Lucifer, Heaven and Hell, at the same time as I just as strongly believe in reincarnation. Those rarely seem to be lumped up in the same belief system and it bugs me.
I need a tailored religion to fit my beliefs. But where can I find such a thing? And also, my demon heritage plays in to this as well. The kind of demon I was/am is I believe similar to those of a Christian/Satanic view. What's that word now again... ah yes, "goethic" demon. To deny those right/left hand path believe systems would literally go against what I truly am. But I'm a reincarnated goethic demon and I think most people following any of those belief systems would just say "huh?" about that. Like it has no fucking logic according to those religions. Argh, it makes my head hurt trying to figure this shit out.
I think I will have to stop soon and post this before it becomes an entire book on how to be completely confused about one's religious bullshit. I will surely get back to this topic again someday, but perhaps not before I leave for Germany. But who knows, I might not be able to let go of it now, I don't know. I wasn't sure if I've ever told you about why my beliefs are the way they are and why I chose to be a Satanist back in spring 2013. But that it's changing now, and I might consider ditching that religion for something else or for no belief system at all. I have not decided anything yet, I think I need to figure out more shit first. So in the middle of this process, I give you my thoughts.
Sunday, 26 June 2016
New dreams of you
I just had quite a complicate dream about you. It was a bit scary, but also had really nice moments and aspects to it. Your sweetness, your magic was portrayed beautifully. It started, the dream, with us being invited to my best friend's birthday party (although this was in the middle of summer) in Uppsala, but somehow we ended up in one of my dream versions of Uppsala instead and I realised that we were dreaming. And that you were in my dream, a lucid dream.
We got to the place where I used to believe I lived in another dream, and it was just a trailer this time. Then we had to get to where the party was through a very dangerous highway road. I knew about it since previous dreams so I warned you about it. Told you that the people that drive there do so with no speed limit and they never stop for anything. Literally, that they continue driving back and forth forever, in a very high speed. We didn't have a car but we did have a motorcycle which I drove us both on towards the party.
The ride was rough and eventually we did crash. We died and woke up in the "real" world again. However I thought that we were still within the lucid dream, and I was worried that you might be hurt from the crash, but I found you working on making a miniature blacksmith room in steel and wood and you were just fine. I wasn't quite as fine though as my whole body hurt and I could just barely move towards you. And then I woke up, for real.
So it was quite an interesting dream. And we were holding each other and being cute every once in a while so it was quite sweet too. But yeah, lucid dreaming together with you in a dream within a dream was a fascinating touch. A recurring feeling within my dreams was that I was scared of losing you if I didn't hold on tight enough. I thought that you would literally disappear in the lucid dream. But also I was so happy to have you around, and as soon as I woke up, I said the words "I miss you".
Somewhere in the dream I also spoke a little bit of German with you. I said "Ich denke" and you smiled at me for an answer. That was one of the sweet moments that we had. So, I just thought I'd tell you about this dream before I forget it. It's actually the third dream of you that I've had this month, but now the other two are mostly forgotten, as they happened a couple of weeks ago now. I was a bit skeptic towards those two earlier dreams, but this latest one I really think I like. Despite that horrible highway road, the crash and my constant fear of losing you then.
I liked that it was so complicated and in depth, and you should have seen how extremely detailed everything was. No detail was left out at all. And yeah, me having multiple universes in my subconscious mind that I am aware of while dreaming is also kinda fascinating to me. Because I remember dreams I had over a year ago while being in a new dream and I see the connections when I re-visit the same places. Thinking about this makes me a little bit dizzy, but sometimes it feels like I'm getting a step closer to understanding how my subconscious mind is wired by interpreting my dreams. Anyhow, I'll make this pretty short.
We got to the place where I used to believe I lived in another dream, and it was just a trailer this time. Then we had to get to where the party was through a very dangerous highway road. I knew about it since previous dreams so I warned you about it. Told you that the people that drive there do so with no speed limit and they never stop for anything. Literally, that they continue driving back and forth forever, in a very high speed. We didn't have a car but we did have a motorcycle which I drove us both on towards the party.
The ride was rough and eventually we did crash. We died and woke up in the "real" world again. However I thought that we were still within the lucid dream, and I was worried that you might be hurt from the crash, but I found you working on making a miniature blacksmith room in steel and wood and you were just fine. I wasn't quite as fine though as my whole body hurt and I could just barely move towards you. And then I woke up, for real.
So it was quite an interesting dream. And we were holding each other and being cute every once in a while so it was quite sweet too. But yeah, lucid dreaming together with you in a dream within a dream was a fascinating touch. A recurring feeling within my dreams was that I was scared of losing you if I didn't hold on tight enough. I thought that you would literally disappear in the lucid dream. But also I was so happy to have you around, and as soon as I woke up, I said the words "I miss you".
Somewhere in the dream I also spoke a little bit of German with you. I said "Ich denke" and you smiled at me for an answer. That was one of the sweet moments that we had. So, I just thought I'd tell you about this dream before I forget it. It's actually the third dream of you that I've had this month, but now the other two are mostly forgotten, as they happened a couple of weeks ago now. I was a bit skeptic towards those two earlier dreams, but this latest one I really think I like. Despite that horrible highway road, the crash and my constant fear of losing you then.
I liked that it was so complicated and in depth, and you should have seen how extremely detailed everything was. No detail was left out at all. And yeah, me having multiple universes in my subconscious mind that I am aware of while dreaming is also kinda fascinating to me. Because I remember dreams I had over a year ago while being in a new dream and I see the connections when I re-visit the same places. Thinking about this makes me a little bit dizzy, but sometimes it feels like I'm getting a step closer to understanding how my subconscious mind is wired by interpreting my dreams. Anyhow, I'll make this pretty short.
Sunday, 19 June 2016
Reasons to belong
So I just wrote a kinda strong poem about Dala that I posted on tumblr. Once again my words took me by surprise, especially at the last verse. I can still bring out things within me that I didn't know were there until they're written in front of me when I write. Dala... it's so confusing these days. As partially I'm letting go of my heaven, but partially I still hold on to it. I still want to go back, but what's changed is that I want to stay here too, first, before going back to Dala. I want to live my life but I still feel so fucking out of place here. And I don't know how to find my place, or if I ever will. No, it wouldn't be the whole world if I never will. I've accepted my alienation long ago.
That there's nowhere I truly feel like I belong. Not among other humans, or animals for that matter. Not among other goths, other transgender people, other gays, other world of warcraft nerds, others with asperger syndrome, others with borderline, others with eating disorders, others who can remember past lives, other Satanists, others who are otherkin and I can literally go on forever cause I've got quite a lot of labels and that's the thing. I can't fit into either one of those boxes because there's so much more to me that makes me stand out no matter where I go. But, I see it as that by not belonging anywhere, I also belong everywhere.
I'm quite good at adapting to almost any given situation or group of people. I may feel just as lost wherever I go, but that means I also feel just as found. In Dala it was the exact opposite, so... by my own logic (fucked up or not) that must mean that it was the exact same thing, but reversed. That thing about opposites actually being the same still tends to confuse me. It's like I just know that it is that way but I can't understand it. I'm just casually waiting for me to eventually understand it, as I don't think there's anything I can do to study it. Either I just understand it or I don't.
So much is still entangled in my mind. The wars are far from as intense as before but they still exist. I don't compete with myself, I don't care which part of me wins in whatever situation. Cause in the end there is no winning or losing and I can't win or lose cause I'm fighting with myself. But I can't just stop the wars either, so I let them go on as I shrug and keep doing whatever instead. Of course I want peace in my own damn head but I know that time is not an issue and this isn't something that can be rushed. I need to let it sort itself out. And it will, eventually it will.
The war on whether I can go back to Dala or not is completely pointless. I cannot decide if I can go back there or not, at least not as far as I know. But what I've been trying to figure out, and what the poem is about, is what does Dala mean to me now? Now that I'm no longer aching desperately to go back there every single second of my life? Now that I look at it differently, as a part of my past rather than a part of my present. That it no longer defines who I am, only who I was. Of course my memories still impact my life and everything that I truly am, but they don't make me who I am.
I am someone else now, yet I will always be the same. In a way, I'm breaking free from Dala, or rather from my memories of Dala. I do that in order to be able to live this life as fully as possible. I don't mean to bury Dala somewhere six feet under, but I mean to gently put it aside until I need it again whenever that will be. I can't let it bring me down anymore. I can't keep living in the past if I want to be able to make the most out of this life. But the question that keeps popping up in my head is: "who am I without Dala?"
I can't be human, I don't identify that way. I can live as one, sort of half assed and weirdly, barely even passing for a human being. I mean, often times it feels like I'm just walking around wearing a really badly made Halloween costume meant to look like a caucasian human that some fucker made while being both drunk as fuck and stoned. Like I'm not fooling anyone, but more likely just scaring people with that really horrible costume. What makes me even believe that everyone can see right through me?
Cause it's a lot more likely that people wouldn't believe that I'm actually a demon if I told them. Somehow I have a harder time believing that. Like how can they not see? I'm obviously not one of them! And it's been so obvious to me all my life, I had to be told I wasn't myself anymore to be able to understand what it is that others see when they look at me. Then how can I let go of who I was...?
I can't even understand who I am now. I still feel like I've just been stuffed into a strange new body that I can't relate to. 27 years and I still feel like my soul is chafing against my body's edges. Some things have gotten a lot better since last time I checked though. I don't hate my body anymore, it's quite okay for a human body and there's nothing wrong with human bodies in general. It's just not what I'm used to. And I don't think I ever will be. And beneath all the self hatred I've been living with, there's also always been a lot of self love. I've always loved my uniqueness and strangeness despite how much trouble it's caused me.
I will always keep being me no matter what kind of life I'm living. To me that is a great comfort, these days it is. As is also that I will always have my home with me in my heart, wherever I go. Something just hit me. You've said that you don't really feel at home anywhere, while for me I have a very specific space that is my only true home. I've been thinking about this before and what it could mean. Perhaps the way you perceived Dala was not how I perceived it. Perhaps there are deeper meanings as to why you don't have such memories. Something that connects us, or could have driven us apart. Something neither of us are meant to understand before it's time for us to. I haven't really been able to let go of that.
I accept things as they are now, but I still find myself wondering why they are the way they are. Like what's the exact reasons? I know I will understand everything eventually, and I'm not forcing myself to understand things that are still beyond what I can grasp. I'm merely sniffing around and see if I can pick up some interesting scents of things, instead of digging endless amounts of holes that I would likely just fall into and get myself buried in. I don't want to dig too deep as I have a strong sensation that would lead me off my path. I'm not meant to rush things.
I've been doing that my entire life up until recently and that certainly didn't turn out well. I'm still alive, obviously, but I just have that feeling that I've been going about solving things entirely the wrong way. With desperation and obsession leading me to all sorts of scary places. One of my strongest fears is still that I won't ever be able to return to Dala again. And I have a feeling that it might turn out that way, as long as I cling to that fear, but that if I can let go and accept that yeah, I might not be able to go back, then there's a chance.
And I know that fear is tossing and turning and screaming within me. I try to just let it be, let it have at it for as long as it needs to. It can't harm me, it's just a feeling, ways for me to describe a feeling that is older than I am. Most feelings are, come to think of it. However, I know there's no harm in letting that specific feeling tumble around within me until it's done with that. Until I know what to do with it. I no longer believe that fears should be fought, but rather handled with gentleness and care. Soothe them, let them rage around and eventually they might not be so scary anymore. But as for now, I'm still within the process, or several different processes at the same time. Nothing I can't handle, not for now at least. I do prioritise several different things at the same time, as they all seem to be of the same kind of importance. At least for now.
That there's nowhere I truly feel like I belong. Not among other humans, or animals for that matter. Not among other goths, other transgender people, other gays, other world of warcraft nerds, others with asperger syndrome, others with borderline, others with eating disorders, others who can remember past lives, other Satanists, others who are otherkin and I can literally go on forever cause I've got quite a lot of labels and that's the thing. I can't fit into either one of those boxes because there's so much more to me that makes me stand out no matter where I go. But, I see it as that by not belonging anywhere, I also belong everywhere.
I'm quite good at adapting to almost any given situation or group of people. I may feel just as lost wherever I go, but that means I also feel just as found. In Dala it was the exact opposite, so... by my own logic (fucked up or not) that must mean that it was the exact same thing, but reversed. That thing about opposites actually being the same still tends to confuse me. It's like I just know that it is that way but I can't understand it. I'm just casually waiting for me to eventually understand it, as I don't think there's anything I can do to study it. Either I just understand it or I don't.
So much is still entangled in my mind. The wars are far from as intense as before but they still exist. I don't compete with myself, I don't care which part of me wins in whatever situation. Cause in the end there is no winning or losing and I can't win or lose cause I'm fighting with myself. But I can't just stop the wars either, so I let them go on as I shrug and keep doing whatever instead. Of course I want peace in my own damn head but I know that time is not an issue and this isn't something that can be rushed. I need to let it sort itself out. And it will, eventually it will.
The war on whether I can go back to Dala or not is completely pointless. I cannot decide if I can go back there or not, at least not as far as I know. But what I've been trying to figure out, and what the poem is about, is what does Dala mean to me now? Now that I'm no longer aching desperately to go back there every single second of my life? Now that I look at it differently, as a part of my past rather than a part of my present. That it no longer defines who I am, only who I was. Of course my memories still impact my life and everything that I truly am, but they don't make me who I am.
I am someone else now, yet I will always be the same. In a way, I'm breaking free from Dala, or rather from my memories of Dala. I do that in order to be able to live this life as fully as possible. I don't mean to bury Dala somewhere six feet under, but I mean to gently put it aside until I need it again whenever that will be. I can't let it bring me down anymore. I can't keep living in the past if I want to be able to make the most out of this life. But the question that keeps popping up in my head is: "who am I without Dala?"
I can't be human, I don't identify that way. I can live as one, sort of half assed and weirdly, barely even passing for a human being. I mean, often times it feels like I'm just walking around wearing a really badly made Halloween costume meant to look like a caucasian human that some fucker made while being both drunk as fuck and stoned. Like I'm not fooling anyone, but more likely just scaring people with that really horrible costume. What makes me even believe that everyone can see right through me?
Cause it's a lot more likely that people wouldn't believe that I'm actually a demon if I told them. Somehow I have a harder time believing that. Like how can they not see? I'm obviously not one of them! And it's been so obvious to me all my life, I had to be told I wasn't myself anymore to be able to understand what it is that others see when they look at me. Then how can I let go of who I was...?
I can't even understand who I am now. I still feel like I've just been stuffed into a strange new body that I can't relate to. 27 years and I still feel like my soul is chafing against my body's edges. Some things have gotten a lot better since last time I checked though. I don't hate my body anymore, it's quite okay for a human body and there's nothing wrong with human bodies in general. It's just not what I'm used to. And I don't think I ever will be. And beneath all the self hatred I've been living with, there's also always been a lot of self love. I've always loved my uniqueness and strangeness despite how much trouble it's caused me.
I will always keep being me no matter what kind of life I'm living. To me that is a great comfort, these days it is. As is also that I will always have my home with me in my heart, wherever I go. Something just hit me. You've said that you don't really feel at home anywhere, while for me I have a very specific space that is my only true home. I've been thinking about this before and what it could mean. Perhaps the way you perceived Dala was not how I perceived it. Perhaps there are deeper meanings as to why you don't have such memories. Something that connects us, or could have driven us apart. Something neither of us are meant to understand before it's time for us to. I haven't really been able to let go of that.
I accept things as they are now, but I still find myself wondering why they are the way they are. Like what's the exact reasons? I know I will understand everything eventually, and I'm not forcing myself to understand things that are still beyond what I can grasp. I'm merely sniffing around and see if I can pick up some interesting scents of things, instead of digging endless amounts of holes that I would likely just fall into and get myself buried in. I don't want to dig too deep as I have a strong sensation that would lead me off my path. I'm not meant to rush things.
I've been doing that my entire life up until recently and that certainly didn't turn out well. I'm still alive, obviously, but I just have that feeling that I've been going about solving things entirely the wrong way. With desperation and obsession leading me to all sorts of scary places. One of my strongest fears is still that I won't ever be able to return to Dala again. And I have a feeling that it might turn out that way, as long as I cling to that fear, but that if I can let go and accept that yeah, I might not be able to go back, then there's a chance.
And I know that fear is tossing and turning and screaming within me. I try to just let it be, let it have at it for as long as it needs to. It can't harm me, it's just a feeling, ways for me to describe a feeling that is older than I am. Most feelings are, come to think of it. However, I know there's no harm in letting that specific feeling tumble around within me until it's done with that. Until I know what to do with it. I no longer believe that fears should be fought, but rather handled with gentleness and care. Soothe them, let them rage around and eventually they might not be so scary anymore. But as for now, I'm still within the process, or several different processes at the same time. Nothing I can't handle, not for now at least. I do prioritise several different things at the same time, as they all seem to be of the same kind of importance. At least for now.
Saturday, 18 June 2016
About today
I think that "Traum" is one of my favourite German words, and I first heard of it in the movie "Shutter Island" years ago. It stuck with me somehow and I think it's beautiful. I'm looking up more music by Schiller on Spotify and I do like what I find cause I keep re-listening to the same songs over and over again. I'm so exhausted today cause I picked up my passport, saw my therapist and bought a suitcase. I couldn't quite recover from that exhaustion by napping after I got back home again.
Not sure if you noticed, but I sent you my autobiography to your e-mail a couple of days ago. I hope all the files work as intended/that you can open them.
I've mostly been playing WoW since after I was done napping. Got my blood elf monk on the German server Malygos up to level 52 before I needed a break. Think he was at 47 when I logged in today.
I have so much shit to say but I'm too tired and exhausted to write anything significant that requires thinking. Ah, I have stuff to do these days. Like I kinda need to sew on my swim shorts a bit cause they're too big on me and if I have any plans on going swimming soonish I should make sure that my swim shorts don't fall off me when trying to wear them. I do have vague plans on maybe visiting my family over Midsummer's and to then maybe also swim around in the lake close to their house as well if the weather will be at least halfway decent by then.
Also my classmates have been talking about going to a beach somewhere on this island sometime this summer and I would like to go with them then. And maybe coming out as trans to them if they'd ask about my top surgery scars too, if they'll see me in just swim shorts, that is. I don't know, it's been on my mind however.
So, I would need to at least have wearable swim shorts that don't just fall off me. But I can't afford to buy new ones. Especially not now. So I'll work on my half decent sewing skills instead and see what I can do. I wanted to do that today but I was all out of energy, so that didn't happen.
Okay, definitely time for bed now.
Not sure if you noticed, but I sent you my autobiography to your e-mail a couple of days ago. I hope all the files work as intended/that you can open them.
I've mostly been playing WoW since after I was done napping. Got my blood elf monk on the German server Malygos up to level 52 before I needed a break. Think he was at 47 when I logged in today.
I have so much shit to say but I'm too tired and exhausted to write anything significant that requires thinking. Ah, I have stuff to do these days. Like I kinda need to sew on my swim shorts a bit cause they're too big on me and if I have any plans on going swimming soonish I should make sure that my swim shorts don't fall off me when trying to wear them. I do have vague plans on maybe visiting my family over Midsummer's and to then maybe also swim around in the lake close to their house as well if the weather will be at least halfway decent by then.
Also my classmates have been talking about going to a beach somewhere on this island sometime this summer and I would like to go with them then. And maybe coming out as trans to them if they'd ask about my top surgery scars too, if they'll see me in just swim shorts, that is. I don't know, it's been on my mind however.
So, I would need to at least have wearable swim shorts that don't just fall off me. But I can't afford to buy new ones. Especially not now. So I'll work on my half decent sewing skills instead and see what I can do. I wanted to do that today but I was all out of energy, so that didn't happen.
Okay, definitely time for bed now.
Thursday, 9 June 2016
Things going well, mostly
Damn that's annoying, I tried for ages to say "Sie schwimmt" in German on duolingo but for some unknown reason kept failing and just couldn't pass that part of the lesson. Eventually I had to turn off the microphone and do the lesson without that. It was the only way to finish it without me breaking my computer in rage and screaming "fuck you" into my microphone. I think I tried like 10 times or something. I feel I don't need to know how to say "she is swimming" in German right now. That I can kinda make do without that tiny piece of knowledge.
I've now applied for a passport and they said it will be done on Wednesday next week. The plan is I pick it up the following Friday though, cause that's when I'll see my psychologist again next time. Then I plan to look for a bigger suitcase as well. Too bad I have to do everything in bloody Visby cause there's nothing here in Hemse. Except I thought I'd look for a coffee machine in Hemse, at least take a look at the prices and see if it's worth it. I'm thinking a couple of hundred kronor should be alright for a coffee machine, but not more than 300, or something like that.
I needed a break from duolingo, first time I got angry at it. I've been texting my teacher as well, and he asked if I'm available tomorrow forenoon, which I am, as long as I manage to wake up. I told him I need to talk to him preferably before the end of June. Oh, just got another text, 10:00 o'clock tomorrow. I'll tell my mother to call and wake me up at 9 or something.
I took a nap not long ago and I dreamed about you, right before waking up. I was at your place and your friend had cooked dinner for us. I wasn't hungry at first so I just watched you eat, but then I got hungry and joined in. Then I woke up.
Okay I can barely hear my own voice now, so the music is loud enough. I'm trying to write a poem but it's not going so well. First off, I'm distracted as fuck, secondly, I have no idea what it should be about. And I'm so fucking tired as well. This day totally drained me and neither napping nor coffee seemed to help. Now it's too late for any of those. So I just smoke instead. It's never too late for that, or too early for that matter.
I just told my mother more about my plans and my thoughts regarding medication and she said she will count how many pills I have and see if I'll need more. So... I'm thinking she is actually gonna let me bring enough medication for my stay in Germany. Then she asked me about what I'm thinking in regards to flights, like money wise and such. It's probably not gonna be all that cheap since I can't really book a flight a month ahead, but yeah. The flight back to Sweden I could of course book at the same time as the flight to Germany so that one could possibly become a bit cheaper though.
When I talked to my psychologist she mentioned I might need a certificate for bringing certain medications, and now my mother thought maybe I would need a certificate for bringing my dose of testosterone as well. I know that here in Sweden it's illegal to have testosterone in your possession without a doctor having prescribed it to you, and I'm not sure what bringing that stuff into Germany might or might not require. However, fixing a certificate would not be problematic, according to my psychologist.
I'm really trying to not just bluntly ask my mother how come she's suddenly okay with me going to Germany, but as far as how good things are going now, it seems like she suddenly is. Or she just knows she can't stop me. I'm trying to just be as responsible and independent as I possibly can and hope she sees some kind of improvement or what not. That I can do this. So then I'll also meet my teacher to tell him about my situation and summer/future plans and then we'll see how that goes. I mean if he'll be understanding or not. Then I'll have laundry later on tomorrow as well. I feel even more tired just thinking about it.
I've now applied for a passport and they said it will be done on Wednesday next week. The plan is I pick it up the following Friday though, cause that's when I'll see my psychologist again next time. Then I plan to look for a bigger suitcase as well. Too bad I have to do everything in bloody Visby cause there's nothing here in Hemse. Except I thought I'd look for a coffee machine in Hemse, at least take a look at the prices and see if it's worth it. I'm thinking a couple of hundred kronor should be alright for a coffee machine, but not more than 300, or something like that.
I needed a break from duolingo, first time I got angry at it. I've been texting my teacher as well, and he asked if I'm available tomorrow forenoon, which I am, as long as I manage to wake up. I told him I need to talk to him preferably before the end of June. Oh, just got another text, 10:00 o'clock tomorrow. I'll tell my mother to call and wake me up at 9 or something.
I took a nap not long ago and I dreamed about you, right before waking up. I was at your place and your friend had cooked dinner for us. I wasn't hungry at first so I just watched you eat, but then I got hungry and joined in. Then I woke up.
Okay I can barely hear my own voice now, so the music is loud enough. I'm trying to write a poem but it's not going so well. First off, I'm distracted as fuck, secondly, I have no idea what it should be about. And I'm so fucking tired as well. This day totally drained me and neither napping nor coffee seemed to help. Now it's too late for any of those. So I just smoke instead. It's never too late for that, or too early for that matter.
I just told my mother more about my plans and my thoughts regarding medication and she said she will count how many pills I have and see if I'll need more. So... I'm thinking she is actually gonna let me bring enough medication for my stay in Germany. Then she asked me about what I'm thinking in regards to flights, like money wise and such. It's probably not gonna be all that cheap since I can't really book a flight a month ahead, but yeah. The flight back to Sweden I could of course book at the same time as the flight to Germany so that one could possibly become a bit cheaper though.
When I talked to my psychologist she mentioned I might need a certificate for bringing certain medications, and now my mother thought maybe I would need a certificate for bringing my dose of testosterone as well. I know that here in Sweden it's illegal to have testosterone in your possession without a doctor having prescribed it to you, and I'm not sure what bringing that stuff into Germany might or might not require. However, fixing a certificate would not be problematic, according to my psychologist.
I'm really trying to not just bluntly ask my mother how come she's suddenly okay with me going to Germany, but as far as how good things are going now, it seems like she suddenly is. Or she just knows she can't stop me. I'm trying to just be as responsible and independent as I possibly can and hope she sees some kind of improvement or what not. That I can do this. So then I'll also meet my teacher to tell him about my situation and summer/future plans and then we'll see how that goes. I mean if he'll be understanding or not. Then I'll have laundry later on tomorrow as well. I feel even more tired just thinking about it.
Saturday, 4 June 2016
So much to smile about
May... you came and went. I will always remember you with warmth in my heart. It's been the most amazing, exciting, wonderful month. I'm back in my apartment after the travel from Uppsala. I don't know what I feel. Lonely, sort of empty but full of all that's happened lately. The memories keep replaying in my head. They make me smile. Your music echoes between the walls of my smokey apartment. You were still logged in on my computer so I took the chance, I hope that's okay. I wish I could write it all down somewhere cause it's so much good music that I will just never be able to remember.
I flew back to Visby from Arlanda yesterday so not so much exhausting travels, but still it took a fair bit of energy. Especially since I didn't have any time for coffee, cigarettes or breakfast in the morning. But oh well, I got my tired ass back to this god forsaken island where my mother picked me up.
My teacher at school sent me text messages about us having a meeting yesterday at 14:00 but I totally dissed him to stay in Uppsala for as long as possible. He also told me that if I wanted to continue school at the course I currently go, I need to be there on summer activities and meetings or else I can forget it. My immediate response was "fuck that shit I'm going to Germany instead" and that seeing you again is way more important to me than school.
No, I didn't tell him that but that's how I prioritise, then we'll see if I won't be able to continue at Livskraft next term because of that.
Late on June 1st I went with my friends to my best friend's parents in Alunda (they had to leave their guinea pigs there since they were going away for a festival) and it was nice seeing them again as well. It's been 7 years since I last met her parents. Her mother is really nice and we had some nice conversations, and her father had one of his good days, I guess. He did not insult me, to everyone's surprise apparently. What I've heard is that he's not exactly accepting or understanding of that I'm trans and gay, I guess you could say he's a bit "old fashioned" in that department or what do I know. But yeah, he didn't say anything mean or ignorant to me that evening, so that's good.
When I last met him must have been around the time I came out as trans, back in 2009. That was when my family moved to Gotland and I moved to Uppsala. I don't remember much of how he used to be back then, but he was polite to me yesterday. We mostly talked about Gotland (the lack of water here mostly) and my family members, although he didn't ask anything about my mother for some unknown reason. I don't remember if the two of them ever got along in the past.
Alunda hadn't changed much since I was there last time. I knew the school where I spend most of my time between age 6 and 16 had been re-built a few years ago, and it stung within me when we drew past the sports field behind the school where I had been assaulted at the age of 9. Yeah, literally staring at the exact spot through the car window for the first time in 11 years did have some effect on me. Then we drove around in the center a bit to look at what else had changed. The grocery store is bigger now, some stores had changed or shut down but over all there wasn't much difference.
For some reason, I would have liked to show you around there. Maybe someday I will. If I'll come to live there one day. Then I'll probably have fika with my best friend's parents more often than she does. I know I used to visit them when they all 3 lived there, back when I was a teen. I visited them a lot between age 12-ish and 19-ish and a little before as well. It felt weird visiting that place for the first time in 7 years. I remembered some streets from my nightly dreams as I often tend to visit them when I'm asleep. It left me feeling weird, excited, horrible and nostalgic all at once. It's not the place that sucks though, it's not worse than Hemse, it's most of the people that used to live there when I grew up that sucked. And I won't be bothered by them if I move there.
Haha, would actually be quite fun to see some of my former classmates from elementary school again and or their parents just to shock them with what I've become and always been.
I haven't written here for exactly a month until now. Yes, my finger dances over the keyboard effortlessly as if no time at all has passed. Muscle memory, I guess.
The void you left behind ever since the second you left has been painful. No, I'm not blaming you on my pain, I don't blame anyone or anything. Just thought I should tell you about that, how hard it's been. I remember stroking the door frame to my friends' apartment the second after you closed it, feeling the pain hitting me immediately. I didn't know what to do with myself. That day went by slowly. I figured out how to use the coffee machine and had 7 cups of coffee in 11 hours. I borrowed his computer without having asked first. No snooping, just checked my facebook and tumblr, that was all I was interested in. 11 hours of pain and loneliness. I think I cried at least 2 times, as I tried to rest on the couch.
I stayed awake, although just barely. The heat out on the balcony was unbearable and I thought about you, how you were coping with the heat. I for sure wasn't coping. More like dying. I sat on a spot on the floor where there was shadow, shirtless to not drench my tank top in the sweat that was literally pouring out from me, sunglasses on and well yeah, just suffered through it every time I had to smoke until about 19:00 o'clock when the temperature started getting decent again.
Then I had some time with my best friend just her and me and that was nice too. We could catch up a bit more. I told her that was the reason I wanted to stay in Uppsala a little while longer after you left and it's true. I'm still trying to process all of my memories and they keep replaying in my mind randomly. I write them down as they come to me. I will most likely write more about May here later on, but right now I feel more like just writing about the past few days and about what state I'm in right now. I'm not gonna do much today but taking it easy, smoking, writing, checking the online sites every once in a while and maybe also play some WoW.
It's gonna be difficult, not being able to talk as much and often as we did when we were in the same place, to not feel your touch, or look you in your eyes, but as you said: "soon". I hold on to that.
I have so much to say, yet I'm only writing about the past few days or so. So much has changed, for the better. Damn of course it's for the better! I smile so much recently, at first I wasn't used to it so my face kinda twitched from the tension, but it seems to have lessened with time. Now I smile more effortlessly, and I have so much to smile about. Although I still feel that pain, it's not numbing me. It's there, but it doesn't take over all the good things. I wouldn't let it.
I look at the picture of us where you smile the most and it's making me smile too. Over and over again. Damn it's so beautiful, your smile. Even if it is just a still picture. It's my background picture on my cell phone now.
I googled some stuff about how to get a passport and it seems pretty easy. Just get my ass to the police station in Visby wherever that is, bring my ID-card, 350 kronor and look good for the photo. Pretty much it. It should take about a week for it to get done. I feel like I can't sit still. Like I've gotta do stuff immediately but I'm all out of energy and don't really know where to start. I should take it easy for a while. I haven't even begun trying to talk my mother into "letting" me go. If she won't "let" me I'll just go anyway, but that thing about my medication can be difficult. Then I'd most likely have to fix an appointment with my doctor and tell him the whole thing and that I need lots of my pills for when I leave. Maybe also throw in that I'm not planning on overdosing on anything at all and that I've been taking my medications the way I'm supposed to for a long time now. Maybe I'd even try to make it so that my mother no longer can have control over my medications anymore, if at all possible.
I mean, I am an adult, legally and I'm in charge of myself in every single way, it shouldn't be impossible to just shred those papers I signed in the past or something. I mean, if that would be a necessary thing to do and a possibility, I'm all for it. I think, if I can guess wildly, that what my mother is the most scared of, is me being on my own so far away from her and for a longer period of time. I can always tell her that I won't be completely alone in a to me foreign country, I mean I'll have you, but in the end it's my decision and I know that. It's just that I do still care about her and love her enough to want to assure her that I'll be more than okay.
What I do care about is that I don't want her to worry too much about me, but if she's gonna try to control me then I won't give a damn about her. I know very well it won't be too much for me, I know I'll make it to your place and I know it will be awesome. She's the one who's always just focused on everything that could possibly go wrong. I don't blame her, I mean my life hasn't exactly been easy, but what I can't understand is why she's trying to control me like she does. Or well, I guess I can understand it, I just don't want it to be that way at all.
Just thinking about visiting you makes me smile so damn much. To see where you live, thinking about all the things we might do there and in the general area, and of course to be close to you again. I just want to do everything at once to get it all done as fast as possible but I know I shouldn't rush things cause that never ends well. I should stay here for a moment and just fucking breathe a bit before I go stressing myself out. This week has pretty much ended, so I plan on taking care of the passport business sometime in the beginning of next week or so. Today I'm dead, then it's weekend. So rest for a few days now is probably exactly what I need. But I'm so eager, so excited...
And I'm gonna ask my mother when my next shot of testosterone in July will be, as she should know. Keeping count and all, which I don't, for some reason. I can't even remember when I had my last shot, but sometime in March, I think, cause I just counted sloppily 15 weeks-ish from then and came to the quick conclusion that the next one should be sometime in July. My mind just keep racing but my body is so tired now. I should probably post this shit soon.
Okay I asked my mother when I should take my next shot of testosterone and she said it's on July 7th. That's a Thursday, but I know it's not extremely important that I get it on that exact day. Any day that week or the next should be good. I told my mother about my passport plans and she wasn't against that, actually she suggested we go to the police station together on Wednesday when I have my next appointment with my psychologist. Oh, and I found my glasses in my backpack, so I didn't forget to bring them.
I just logged you out from google on my computer or else I wouldn't have been able to post this blog entry since I needed to be logged in on my own account.
I think about our goodbye at my best friends' apartment a lot. Maybe a bit too much, I never know what's too much in terms of thoughts. But, at least a few times a day, maybe more. I meant it, you know, I really really meant what I said. It had been on my mind and in my heart and soul for quite some time, but I was scared of saying it too soon. Then I got scared of saying it too late. I don't regret what I said at all, but I know it must have been overwhelming for you. I won't say more about that here, I think it's more of a thing that's maybe between you and me and not the entire world, but I don't know. Please tell me if I'm too open about us here. It's just that I'm so very proud of having you by my side that I want the whole world to know. What I mean is I want to write about anything and everything that I'm feeling and thinking but of course not everything about you. Just my perspective, if that makes any sense. But if it's not appropriate of course I'll shut up about it.
I mean I don't have to tell the world, especially if you're not comfortable with that, but yeah, I want for like literally everyone to know how happy I am with you. I really am, damn. Happy on my own as well, but it wouldn't be the same without you at all.
All that brought me here
"I've been searching for what's lost
not knowing what I was missing the most
holding on to fading echoes vanishing too fast
I've always been in your shadow cast
Clutching at the remains of my past
the memories of what will always last
trapped in my soul, I'll let you in
to explore and discover what's within
And I open what's always been closed
the gates to my core now fully exposed
and I breathe with your heartbeat in your light
hold your darkness through day and night
Succumb to the fire consuming me
asking myself how can all of this be
but our magic is the answer and I know
that not all can be explained but it can show
I held your hand and I wouldn't lose my grip
cause I felt it all through my fingertip
all that got me lost and eventually brought me here
filled the void and broke out in a single tear"
I flew back to Visby from Arlanda yesterday so not so much exhausting travels, but still it took a fair bit of energy. Especially since I didn't have any time for coffee, cigarettes or breakfast in the morning. But oh well, I got my tired ass back to this god forsaken island where my mother picked me up.
My teacher at school sent me text messages about us having a meeting yesterday at 14:00 but I totally dissed him to stay in Uppsala for as long as possible. He also told me that if I wanted to continue school at the course I currently go, I need to be there on summer activities and meetings or else I can forget it. My immediate response was "fuck that shit I'm going to Germany instead" and that seeing you again is way more important to me than school.
No, I didn't tell him that but that's how I prioritise, then we'll see if I won't be able to continue at Livskraft next term because of that.
Late on June 1st I went with my friends to my best friend's parents in Alunda (they had to leave their guinea pigs there since they were going away for a festival) and it was nice seeing them again as well. It's been 7 years since I last met her parents. Her mother is really nice and we had some nice conversations, and her father had one of his good days, I guess. He did not insult me, to everyone's surprise apparently. What I've heard is that he's not exactly accepting or understanding of that I'm trans and gay, I guess you could say he's a bit "old fashioned" in that department or what do I know. But yeah, he didn't say anything mean or ignorant to me that evening, so that's good.
When I last met him must have been around the time I came out as trans, back in 2009. That was when my family moved to Gotland and I moved to Uppsala. I don't remember much of how he used to be back then, but he was polite to me yesterday. We mostly talked about Gotland (the lack of water here mostly) and my family members, although he didn't ask anything about my mother for some unknown reason. I don't remember if the two of them ever got along in the past.
Alunda hadn't changed much since I was there last time. I knew the school where I spend most of my time between age 6 and 16 had been re-built a few years ago, and it stung within me when we drew past the sports field behind the school where I had been assaulted at the age of 9. Yeah, literally staring at the exact spot through the car window for the first time in 11 years did have some effect on me. Then we drove around in the center a bit to look at what else had changed. The grocery store is bigger now, some stores had changed or shut down but over all there wasn't much difference.
For some reason, I would have liked to show you around there. Maybe someday I will. If I'll come to live there one day. Then I'll probably have fika with my best friend's parents more often than she does. I know I used to visit them when they all 3 lived there, back when I was a teen. I visited them a lot between age 12-ish and 19-ish and a little before as well. It felt weird visiting that place for the first time in 7 years. I remembered some streets from my nightly dreams as I often tend to visit them when I'm asleep. It left me feeling weird, excited, horrible and nostalgic all at once. It's not the place that sucks though, it's not worse than Hemse, it's most of the people that used to live there when I grew up that sucked. And I won't be bothered by them if I move there.
Haha, would actually be quite fun to see some of my former classmates from elementary school again and or their parents just to shock them with what I've become and always been.
I haven't written here for exactly a month until now. Yes, my finger dances over the keyboard effortlessly as if no time at all has passed. Muscle memory, I guess.
The void you left behind ever since the second you left has been painful. No, I'm not blaming you on my pain, I don't blame anyone or anything. Just thought I should tell you about that, how hard it's been. I remember stroking the door frame to my friends' apartment the second after you closed it, feeling the pain hitting me immediately. I didn't know what to do with myself. That day went by slowly. I figured out how to use the coffee machine and had 7 cups of coffee in 11 hours. I borrowed his computer without having asked first. No snooping, just checked my facebook and tumblr, that was all I was interested in. 11 hours of pain and loneliness. I think I cried at least 2 times, as I tried to rest on the couch.
I stayed awake, although just barely. The heat out on the balcony was unbearable and I thought about you, how you were coping with the heat. I for sure wasn't coping. More like dying. I sat on a spot on the floor where there was shadow, shirtless to not drench my tank top in the sweat that was literally pouring out from me, sunglasses on and well yeah, just suffered through it every time I had to smoke until about 19:00 o'clock when the temperature started getting decent again.
Then I had some time with my best friend just her and me and that was nice too. We could catch up a bit more. I told her that was the reason I wanted to stay in Uppsala a little while longer after you left and it's true. I'm still trying to process all of my memories and they keep replaying in my mind randomly. I write them down as they come to me. I will most likely write more about May here later on, but right now I feel more like just writing about the past few days and about what state I'm in right now. I'm not gonna do much today but taking it easy, smoking, writing, checking the online sites every once in a while and maybe also play some WoW.
It's gonna be difficult, not being able to talk as much and often as we did when we were in the same place, to not feel your touch, or look you in your eyes, but as you said: "soon". I hold on to that.
I have so much to say, yet I'm only writing about the past few days or so. So much has changed, for the better. Damn of course it's for the better! I smile so much recently, at first I wasn't used to it so my face kinda twitched from the tension, but it seems to have lessened with time. Now I smile more effortlessly, and I have so much to smile about. Although I still feel that pain, it's not numbing me. It's there, but it doesn't take over all the good things. I wouldn't let it.
I look at the picture of us where you smile the most and it's making me smile too. Over and over again. Damn it's so beautiful, your smile. Even if it is just a still picture. It's my background picture on my cell phone now.
I googled some stuff about how to get a passport and it seems pretty easy. Just get my ass to the police station in Visby wherever that is, bring my ID-card, 350 kronor and look good for the photo. Pretty much it. It should take about a week for it to get done. I feel like I can't sit still. Like I've gotta do stuff immediately but I'm all out of energy and don't really know where to start. I should take it easy for a while. I haven't even begun trying to talk my mother into "letting" me go. If she won't "let" me I'll just go anyway, but that thing about my medication can be difficult. Then I'd most likely have to fix an appointment with my doctor and tell him the whole thing and that I need lots of my pills for when I leave. Maybe also throw in that I'm not planning on overdosing on anything at all and that I've been taking my medications the way I'm supposed to for a long time now. Maybe I'd even try to make it so that my mother no longer can have control over my medications anymore, if at all possible.
I mean, I am an adult, legally and I'm in charge of myself in every single way, it shouldn't be impossible to just shred those papers I signed in the past or something. I mean, if that would be a necessary thing to do and a possibility, I'm all for it. I think, if I can guess wildly, that what my mother is the most scared of, is me being on my own so far away from her and for a longer period of time. I can always tell her that I won't be completely alone in a to me foreign country, I mean I'll have you, but in the end it's my decision and I know that. It's just that I do still care about her and love her enough to want to assure her that I'll be more than okay.
What I do care about is that I don't want her to worry too much about me, but if she's gonna try to control me then I won't give a damn about her. I know very well it won't be too much for me, I know I'll make it to your place and I know it will be awesome. She's the one who's always just focused on everything that could possibly go wrong. I don't blame her, I mean my life hasn't exactly been easy, but what I can't understand is why she's trying to control me like she does. Or well, I guess I can understand it, I just don't want it to be that way at all.
Just thinking about visiting you makes me smile so damn much. To see where you live, thinking about all the things we might do there and in the general area, and of course to be close to you again. I just want to do everything at once to get it all done as fast as possible but I know I shouldn't rush things cause that never ends well. I should stay here for a moment and just fucking breathe a bit before I go stressing myself out. This week has pretty much ended, so I plan on taking care of the passport business sometime in the beginning of next week or so. Today I'm dead, then it's weekend. So rest for a few days now is probably exactly what I need. But I'm so eager, so excited...
And I'm gonna ask my mother when my next shot of testosterone in July will be, as she should know. Keeping count and all, which I don't, for some reason. I can't even remember when I had my last shot, but sometime in March, I think, cause I just counted sloppily 15 weeks-ish from then and came to the quick conclusion that the next one should be sometime in July. My mind just keep racing but my body is so tired now. I should probably post this shit soon.
Okay I asked my mother when I should take my next shot of testosterone and she said it's on July 7th. That's a Thursday, but I know it's not extremely important that I get it on that exact day. Any day that week or the next should be good. I told my mother about my passport plans and she wasn't against that, actually she suggested we go to the police station together on Wednesday when I have my next appointment with my psychologist. Oh, and I found my glasses in my backpack, so I didn't forget to bring them.
I just logged you out from google on my computer or else I wouldn't have been able to post this blog entry since I needed to be logged in on my own account.
I think about our goodbye at my best friends' apartment a lot. Maybe a bit too much, I never know what's too much in terms of thoughts. But, at least a few times a day, maybe more. I meant it, you know, I really really meant what I said. It had been on my mind and in my heart and soul for quite some time, but I was scared of saying it too soon. Then I got scared of saying it too late. I don't regret what I said at all, but I know it must have been overwhelming for you. I won't say more about that here, I think it's more of a thing that's maybe between you and me and not the entire world, but I don't know. Please tell me if I'm too open about us here. It's just that I'm so very proud of having you by my side that I want the whole world to know. What I mean is I want to write about anything and everything that I'm feeling and thinking but of course not everything about you. Just my perspective, if that makes any sense. But if it's not appropriate of course I'll shut up about it.
I mean I don't have to tell the world, especially if you're not comfortable with that, but yeah, I want for like literally everyone to know how happy I am with you. I really am, damn. Happy on my own as well, but it wouldn't be the same without you at all.
All that brought me here
"I've been searching for what's lost
not knowing what I was missing the most
holding on to fading echoes vanishing too fast
I've always been in your shadow cast
Clutching at the remains of my past
the memories of what will always last
trapped in my soul, I'll let you in
to explore and discover what's within
And I open what's always been closed
the gates to my core now fully exposed
and I breathe with your heartbeat in your light
hold your darkness through day and night
Succumb to the fire consuming me
asking myself how can all of this be
but our magic is the answer and I know
that not all can be explained but it can show
I held your hand and I wouldn't lose my grip
cause I felt it all through my fingertip
all that got me lost and eventually brought me here
filled the void and broke out in a single tear"
Thursday, 28 April 2016
Work in progress
I started writing a short story again a couple of days ago. It's hard to say what it's about. Just trying to capture some emotions in a possible future or something. I do intend to write it in both Swedish and English, but we'll see how that goes. Started it in Swedish, then I think about translating it. Mostly just to practice both languages, and because I want to have some finished writings in Swedish so that I can send them to publishers in a hopefully not too distant future.
But of course I'm stuck with the short story now. I don't know where to take the content. After nearly two pages of text I still don't know what it's about.
Right, I'm starting to get really damn tired of my cell phone troubles now, as my new phone has bad contact with its battery just like my old phone does. This forenoon the new one shut off for no apparent reason and refused to start again so I had to take my old phone instead and now just hoping that damn thing will survive long enough until this is solved somehow. I just really need to have a functioning phone now.
Okay I think I finally know what to write about in my short story, or at least I know how it will end. What it's really about? I don't have a single idea. I'll leave that up to my readers. I don't know how it can be interpreted. I took a break, rested on the couch, don't know if I fell asleep or not, then got up and had some dinner.
I'm working on a longer reply to your last message to me on tumblr, at the threshold. I know we spoke some about it yesterday but I realised I have a lot more that I want to say. As you told me a lot of what's been going on within you I suddenly felt like I can and want to tell you a bit more of what's been going on within me as well. So it is an answer, but also a bit of a confession on certain topics as well. It will likely take me some time though, but hopefully I can finish it before you leave.
I do have a few more things to do this week. I'm gonna clean my dirty dishes tonight, tomorrow I'm gonna do some laundry, then I'm also gonna clean up the floors once more since they've gotten a bit dusty and such since last time I cleaned them in mid March. Oh, and I finally got around to order that stuff online that I need. Will probably take a little while before it arrives though, likely on Monday or Tuesday. And finally I cleaned the dirty dishes. All of it, except from my coffee cup, for some reason. Damn that made me tired.
Right, I'm off to bed now. It's been a pretty good-ish day and I've gotten a few things done, including having been to school for a few hours. Now my head is getting empty and I should rest it on my pillow.
But of course I'm stuck with the short story now. I don't know where to take the content. After nearly two pages of text I still don't know what it's about.
Right, I'm starting to get really damn tired of my cell phone troubles now, as my new phone has bad contact with its battery just like my old phone does. This forenoon the new one shut off for no apparent reason and refused to start again so I had to take my old phone instead and now just hoping that damn thing will survive long enough until this is solved somehow. I just really need to have a functioning phone now.
Okay I think I finally know what to write about in my short story, or at least I know how it will end. What it's really about? I don't have a single idea. I'll leave that up to my readers. I don't know how it can be interpreted. I took a break, rested on the couch, don't know if I fell asleep or not, then got up and had some dinner.
I'm working on a longer reply to your last message to me on tumblr, at the threshold. I know we spoke some about it yesterday but I realised I have a lot more that I want to say. As you told me a lot of what's been going on within you I suddenly felt like I can and want to tell you a bit more of what's been going on within me as well. So it is an answer, but also a bit of a confession on certain topics as well. It will likely take me some time though, but hopefully I can finish it before you leave.
I do have a few more things to do this week. I'm gonna clean my dirty dishes tonight, tomorrow I'm gonna do some laundry, then I'm also gonna clean up the floors once more since they've gotten a bit dusty and such since last time I cleaned them in mid March. Oh, and I finally got around to order that stuff online that I need. Will probably take a little while before it arrives though, likely on Monday or Tuesday. And finally I cleaned the dirty dishes. All of it, except from my coffee cup, for some reason. Damn that made me tired.
Right, I'm off to bed now. It's been a pretty good-ish day and I've gotten a few things done, including having been to school for a few hours. Now my head is getting empty and I should rest it on my pillow.
Thursday, 21 April 2016
Working around my pain
Sometimes I wonder what is crippling me the most, my asperger or my headache. Sometimes they're competing with each other in odd ways.
Slowly, gradually, I'm finding words to describe good things and not just bad things. It feels a bit like learning a new language or two, one new in Swedish and one new in English. It's now been around 1,5 months since I started feeling better and I still feel really good. I know my headache hitting the roof can't make me hate my life or myself. Physical pain never really affected my mental state in a bad or undesirable way. It makes me suffer physically, but it doesn't make me suffer mentally. No matter how bad it is. And I guess that's the one major difference between physical and mental pain for me. Mental pain has always been so much harder for me to endure.
And yeah, I have felt physical pain that can easily be considered extreme, so bad that I was just a heartbeat away from passing out from it. I do remember especially one day in late June or if it was early July 2013 when my headache was so bad I was in delirium and literally couldn't speak, just crying and making random noises. I could barely even move or gently sip water through a straw as I lied down in my bed at my parents' place. It went on for hours, but I can't remember just how many. Maybe four or five, before it gradually got better again.
I don't know exactly what triggered it to get that bad that day. I had just gotten back out from the psychiatric ward in Visby and visited my family over my sister's birthday. My uncle and his girlfriend at the time visited too. I had some wine but not a lot, I think it was just one or two glasses. I'm glad that extreme pain only lasted for hours though, cause had it been longer I would have likely had to go to a hospital about it. But I didn't need to.
With painkillers, they only work if my pain is medium strong and not if it's extreme. Usually my headache is mild, it's always there, always crippling me with its presence, but it is mild. Like an even pressure constantly on my head/forehead, uncomfortable but manageable. I don't always think of it, but when I do I always feel it. I have to try and not think about it, or else I would not be able to live my life. I have to ignore it as much as I can, cause I can't be dependent on painkillers for a constant pain that I can live with without painkillers. If I do take them constantly, they do lose their effect pretty quickly anyway. So that would be useless. Unless I would just keep increasing the dosage until I'm addicted.
That's not a solution for me. But I do know, that I've taken much more painkillers in my life than most 27 year old's have in their lives. Treo, Alvedon, Aspirin, Citodon and so on. During my worst periods or what to say, I've taken 3 Treo a day for weeks at an end, or up to 6 Citodon a day for two months. Treo is not a prescription drug and anyone can get it, it's an effervescent tablet that you put in a glass of water, let it dissolve in there and then drink it. It tastes a bit like very concentrated mineral water and it's very salty. Most people hate that taste but I kinda like it. Citodon is regular tablets that you just swallow and they are a prescription drug which contains codeine which turns into morphine inside your body. It also contains the same stuff as Treo so it's like a combination of two different substances that relieves pain. Citodon is addictive and I did get addicted to it for a short time before I decided to stop taking it.
Stress always makes my headache worse, and during my most extreme pill popping periods I was also under a lot of stress which increased my headache. It was an endless battle between the stress that caused the pain and the pills that were trying their best to relieve it. I noticed, rather late, but still, that I need to not stress myself in order to be able to cope with my headache at all. I'm never entirely stress free, as my own thoughts and feelings more often than not cause the constant tension that runs through my entire body. But like, for example, going to school 5 days a week would cause me to go into overdrive and increase my headache vastly. Now I have no idea what to do with my sort of half planned future when it comes to this. I can't ignore my stress tolerance level.
The thing is that I sort of planned with my main teacher at school, my mother and my case worker to continue the class/course I'm going to now, next term as well, but to increase my presence there to the maximum of 4 days a week. I don't think I can do it. I mean, yes I can technically, but it would most likely cause me to go into overdrive. It has always been that way in my past, since I got my headache. I don't know if I should just tell them that I'm pretty damn sure I will never be able to study full time because of this. I'm not just tackling my asperger, borderline, eating disorder and what not, but I do have a crippling headache to consider as well.
Also I think it's gotten even harder with age to push myself beyond my limits. I'm not saying I'm old or anything, but I'm not a teen anymore either and I think it might be related to that, cause now if I feel I can't get my ass to school a certain day, it's like I literally and physically can't. No matter what I try to do. My body no responds with simply falling asleep when it's too much, and I can't go anywhere if I'm asleep. Before, I could push myself to go to school even when I was way past exhausted and keep going until it got so bad that I shut down. I can't do that anymore, although I almost kinda wish I could.
Would I take the risk of shutting down just to prove them all of what I'm not capable of? Show them that it has nothing to do with me giving up or lacking motivation? My body doesn't care about my wishes or wantings, it shuts down when it becomes too much for it.
For me, I wouldn't take it so hard if it turns out there simply is no solution to help me get my grades up. If it turns out I can't study at all. I have my minimum wage allowance and I have my creativity. Life wouldn't be meaningless for me without a decent education and eventually a job. No, I don't think I'll ever be rid of my headache. I think it's gonna stay for the rest of my life. But to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty sure society is a lot more bothered by that than I am. It's my handicap but it's society's burden, cause it loses a productive member, it makes me useless for society, but it doesn't make my life useless for me.
Cause there's so much more to life than education and having a job. One of the pros of being disabled is that you do get a lot of free time to spend however you want to the degree you can, and I've never really felt that I owe society a damn thing. I think it owes me more. I've never felt bad for not being a productive member of society, and I don't think I ever will. It's been 11 years now, I'm pretty damn used to it and I do think I know now, that life can be lived, valuable and even good despite the constant pain. My pain doesn't rule me, we just have to work together a bit.
I do see my future will be bright, even though I'll have my pain with me. It might sound a bit cliché or something, but I'm not letting my pain ruin my life. It can be there, yes it will and does affect me, and I do know my limits, but I can still make my life worth living. As long as I can live at least somewhat on my own terms and not have that stupid society trying to decide what I should or shouldn't do. But knowing myself, which I do, I don't think that will be too much of a problem. I'm slowly learning how to stand on my own feet and not take shit from others. Starting with my mother. Because she's a person who still has the most power over me, who is very important to me and who I love a lot, and who is the hardest for me to say no to.
Isn't it a bit ironical, that "no" is the most difficult word for me to say, when it was the first word I ever said in this life? Yeah, it wasn't "mom" or "dad", it was "no". And I've been wondering about my keyboard here, which has two buttons on it that are the most damaged and I'm thinking you could guess which two letters those are... N and O. I think it's trying to send me a message or something.
I don't know if you noticed, but during our conversation last night I did dare to talk a little bit more than usually, and I don't think it was quite as one-sided as it usually tends to be? I did make an effort however but then as I was getting more tired it was more difficult for me to keep the conversation going. I will keep working on it but I do think it might have been a good start. Thing is that sometimes it's hard for me to stay on topic as my mind tends to wander around in various directions until I'm suddenly thinking about three or four completely different things at the same time, even though I want to stay on topic. I'm not really good at steering my mind, but I'm trying to.
Slowly, gradually, I'm finding words to describe good things and not just bad things. It feels a bit like learning a new language or two, one new in Swedish and one new in English. It's now been around 1,5 months since I started feeling better and I still feel really good. I know my headache hitting the roof can't make me hate my life or myself. Physical pain never really affected my mental state in a bad or undesirable way. It makes me suffer physically, but it doesn't make me suffer mentally. No matter how bad it is. And I guess that's the one major difference between physical and mental pain for me. Mental pain has always been so much harder for me to endure.
And yeah, I have felt physical pain that can easily be considered extreme, so bad that I was just a heartbeat away from passing out from it. I do remember especially one day in late June or if it was early July 2013 when my headache was so bad I was in delirium and literally couldn't speak, just crying and making random noises. I could barely even move or gently sip water through a straw as I lied down in my bed at my parents' place. It went on for hours, but I can't remember just how many. Maybe four or five, before it gradually got better again.
I don't know exactly what triggered it to get that bad that day. I had just gotten back out from the psychiatric ward in Visby and visited my family over my sister's birthday. My uncle and his girlfriend at the time visited too. I had some wine but not a lot, I think it was just one or two glasses. I'm glad that extreme pain only lasted for hours though, cause had it been longer I would have likely had to go to a hospital about it. But I didn't need to.
With painkillers, they only work if my pain is medium strong and not if it's extreme. Usually my headache is mild, it's always there, always crippling me with its presence, but it is mild. Like an even pressure constantly on my head/forehead, uncomfortable but manageable. I don't always think of it, but when I do I always feel it. I have to try and not think about it, or else I would not be able to live my life. I have to ignore it as much as I can, cause I can't be dependent on painkillers for a constant pain that I can live with without painkillers. If I do take them constantly, they do lose their effect pretty quickly anyway. So that would be useless. Unless I would just keep increasing the dosage until I'm addicted.
That's not a solution for me. But I do know, that I've taken much more painkillers in my life than most 27 year old's have in their lives. Treo, Alvedon, Aspirin, Citodon and so on. During my worst periods or what to say, I've taken 3 Treo a day for weeks at an end, or up to 6 Citodon a day for two months. Treo is not a prescription drug and anyone can get it, it's an effervescent tablet that you put in a glass of water, let it dissolve in there and then drink it. It tastes a bit like very concentrated mineral water and it's very salty. Most people hate that taste but I kinda like it. Citodon is regular tablets that you just swallow and they are a prescription drug which contains codeine which turns into morphine inside your body. It also contains the same stuff as Treo so it's like a combination of two different substances that relieves pain. Citodon is addictive and I did get addicted to it for a short time before I decided to stop taking it.
Stress always makes my headache worse, and during my most extreme pill popping periods I was also under a lot of stress which increased my headache. It was an endless battle between the stress that caused the pain and the pills that were trying their best to relieve it. I noticed, rather late, but still, that I need to not stress myself in order to be able to cope with my headache at all. I'm never entirely stress free, as my own thoughts and feelings more often than not cause the constant tension that runs through my entire body. But like, for example, going to school 5 days a week would cause me to go into overdrive and increase my headache vastly. Now I have no idea what to do with my sort of half planned future when it comes to this. I can't ignore my stress tolerance level.
The thing is that I sort of planned with my main teacher at school, my mother and my case worker to continue the class/course I'm going to now, next term as well, but to increase my presence there to the maximum of 4 days a week. I don't think I can do it. I mean, yes I can technically, but it would most likely cause me to go into overdrive. It has always been that way in my past, since I got my headache. I don't know if I should just tell them that I'm pretty damn sure I will never be able to study full time because of this. I'm not just tackling my asperger, borderline, eating disorder and what not, but I do have a crippling headache to consider as well.
Also I think it's gotten even harder with age to push myself beyond my limits. I'm not saying I'm old or anything, but I'm not a teen anymore either and I think it might be related to that, cause now if I feel I can't get my ass to school a certain day, it's like I literally and physically can't. No matter what I try to do. My body no responds with simply falling asleep when it's too much, and I can't go anywhere if I'm asleep. Before, I could push myself to go to school even when I was way past exhausted and keep going until it got so bad that I shut down. I can't do that anymore, although I almost kinda wish I could.
Would I take the risk of shutting down just to prove them all of what I'm not capable of? Show them that it has nothing to do with me giving up or lacking motivation? My body doesn't care about my wishes or wantings, it shuts down when it becomes too much for it.
For me, I wouldn't take it so hard if it turns out there simply is no solution to help me get my grades up. If it turns out I can't study at all. I have my minimum wage allowance and I have my creativity. Life wouldn't be meaningless for me without a decent education and eventually a job. No, I don't think I'll ever be rid of my headache. I think it's gonna stay for the rest of my life. But to be perfectly honest, I'm pretty sure society is a lot more bothered by that than I am. It's my handicap but it's society's burden, cause it loses a productive member, it makes me useless for society, but it doesn't make my life useless for me.
Cause there's so much more to life than education and having a job. One of the pros of being disabled is that you do get a lot of free time to spend however you want to the degree you can, and I've never really felt that I owe society a damn thing. I think it owes me more. I've never felt bad for not being a productive member of society, and I don't think I ever will. It's been 11 years now, I'm pretty damn used to it and I do think I know now, that life can be lived, valuable and even good despite the constant pain. My pain doesn't rule me, we just have to work together a bit.
I do see my future will be bright, even though I'll have my pain with me. It might sound a bit cliché or something, but I'm not letting my pain ruin my life. It can be there, yes it will and does affect me, and I do know my limits, but I can still make my life worth living. As long as I can live at least somewhat on my own terms and not have that stupid society trying to decide what I should or shouldn't do. But knowing myself, which I do, I don't think that will be too much of a problem. I'm slowly learning how to stand on my own feet and not take shit from others. Starting with my mother. Because she's a person who still has the most power over me, who is very important to me and who I love a lot, and who is the hardest for me to say no to.
Isn't it a bit ironical, that "no" is the most difficult word for me to say, when it was the first word I ever said in this life? Yeah, it wasn't "mom" or "dad", it was "no". And I've been wondering about my keyboard here, which has two buttons on it that are the most damaged and I'm thinking you could guess which two letters those are... N and O. I think it's trying to send me a message or something.
I don't know if you noticed, but during our conversation last night I did dare to talk a little bit more than usually, and I don't think it was quite as one-sided as it usually tends to be? I did make an effort however but then as I was getting more tired it was more difficult for me to keep the conversation going. I will keep working on it but I do think it might have been a good start. Thing is that sometimes it's hard for me to stay on topic as my mind tends to wander around in various directions until I'm suddenly thinking about three or four completely different things at the same time, even though I want to stay on topic. I'm not really good at steering my mind, but I'm trying to.
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