Thoughts on murder for the night

I'm watching a movie, with one of my favourite actor's in it, and he's a killer. Not that cold blooded kinda killer with the typical abusive childhood, nor the type that is completely psycho either. No, he's just another bloke and finally it just snapped in his head. That kinda killer. The kinda killer I could be. But now we're moving a bit too fast. What I want you to know is that whenever I watched a movie with a favourite actor in the role as a killer I've always been disgusted, and kinda scared. You know, those expected emotion when you see someone you like doing something bad. It's just natural. But this time, oh not this time... this time I wasn't disgusted at all. I was aroused. Aroused seeing him murdering, aroused at the thought of actually killing somebody.

And now we're sorta getting there. I just come to think about this, just like that, all of this just smacked me in the head. When I went to the psychiatric that gave me the Borderline-diagnose, he also said that I fit into a lot of criteria in "antisocial personality disorder". After some search I found out that crap is the same as being a sociopath. Silly, I thought then, cause for example: who has not beaten up someone in school when they were kids? But the thing is, I really think I'm a possible killer. But then again, aren't we all...?

Let me ask you just this: how normal is it to through your whole life, I mean since you were really small, always had these fantasies about killing and wanting to kill those annoyable people around you? And not stopping at wanting, but actually planning on killing these people. Never gone through with those plans though, not quite yet. But I've been close.

As to say I really just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head. But I'm a bit psycho as you all may know by now, and I'm putting an attracting head line for this so you all should react to it and want to read about it. So long until then, alrighty! Please don't mind my Scottish accent if there is any signs of that. I'm a little bit obsessed/possessed at the moment.

April 13th, Friday

So, tomorrow is my birthday and all I can feel is my past creeping up from behind me again. All I want is some fucking peace in this blimey head of mine, but do I get it? No, all I get is anxiety with my heart beating so fast I almost think I'll reach cardiac arrest, for no fucking reason at all! What am I supposed to get out of it? I just want this life to teach me more about surviving and less about feeling like a complete mess. Just my opinion.

I'm cutting more again. Not as much as several times a day, but still enough... I can't help but feeling so vulnerable, like I'm not cut out to be alive. I just ain't made for that. I know all about surviving but nothing about living.

Control your fear, victim

Tuesday, April 10th

Something is wrong, but I can only sense it. When opposite emotions collide, I can't think of anything, any word to describe what it is I feel. It scares me. It's been so for days now, or weeks, I can' tell. I feel numb and overly emotional at the same time. How is that even possible?

My stomach is now an empty hole I can never fill, and my clothes just gets tighter and tighter and my limbs feel more and more stiff. I can't move my legs or sit the way I want to any more. I have to work on going against the feeling of wanting to fill this endless hole in my gut with food and sweets. I'm losing money, and I'm losing the little self esteem I had, cause I hate the direction my body changes towards, and I can't afford to buy new, bigger clothes and more candy. I can't afford to gain more weight.

I'm lost, lost in the eternity of my bloody thoughts and feeling. Sometimes I feel too much and it bothers me, sometimes I don't feel anything and it bothers me. Even when it's the right amount of the shit it's just wrong and too weird.

I don't sleep or dream at night - I'm waking up from one nightmare into another every single day. And this is my life, I just have to accept it, and do the best I can of it. I wonder, just this very moment: is that what I'm doing? Is that what I'm doing when I drink five mugs of coffee and smoke a whole package of cigarettes a day, when I cut my arms and tell myself this is the fourth time today, when I watch the same movie for the second time in less than two days, when I crawl back into bed before I even give the new day a chance? Am I fucking doing the best I can when all I'm doing is trying to run away from myself and my ghosts, cause I can't handle the reality? I don't think so. But what do I do? Tomorrow the same thing will start all over again, and the next day and so on. I'm not living my life, I'm wasting it. Wasting it on legal drugs, escapism and polishing tarnished dreams.

How long can one night be? Has it ever really been daytime...?