I found that apparently Sverigedemokraterna (SD) has their own youtube channel and they've recently uploaded a ton of new content from just a few days ago, when they were speaking publically at "Almedalsveckan" (an annual political event kinda like "Medeltidsveckan" but with a completely different theme) in Visby, and oh my god... they seem so reasonable. I don't know where to put my brain. I just watched a clip where 3 women from the party were interviewed by a man and they told him about how they are not a feminist party, but all for gender equality in the actual equal way. Hooray! There's hope! Maybe... And it just baffles me so much when they kinda trash talked especially the party that my retarded ass voted for 3 years ago at the last election, cause if my mind really is going where I think it might be... I'd really kinda go from my old "favourite" political party, right over to their enemy party. A shift equal to "from black to white" or vice versa. I'm not sure which colour is which.
I cannot believe what my mind is tumbling through these days. I've learned so much about politics in this "red pill" -age that has been happening more recently, that my entire world view has been tipped over. Like a truck, balancing on its roof. Seriously. I've always voted for Vänsterpartiet (Vp), and I'm not afraid to admit that, although I kinda beat myself up for... well, not only buying into their harmful extremist left-wing views, but for not even paying attention to what their views actually were, not looking up if their "facts" actually aligned with reality, AND for not noticing what's going on in the real world outside of what they were saying - and voting for their stupid asses despite being as close to clueless one can possibly be. Like I could just barely tell left from right, literally. That I'm not proud of, but also, maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to throw in my vote cluelessly if I hadn't been told by almost everyone I know that "it's better to vote for a shitty party than to not vote at all" like what the hell kind of logic is that?!
But no, of course I don't really blame them, I still had a brain of my own to use if I had just... you know, actually used it. But I do beat myself up for actually helping bringing my own country one step closer to its own damn demise (or well, more like "political corruption", maybe, but still). No, I didn't turn right-wing, in case anyone wonders. I turned centrist, although still a bit closer to libertarian than authoritarian, and a bit closer to left than right, but still very close to the centre. I don't think I actually changed a whole lot of my original views though, I just re-defined them, looked deeper into them, and found the more correct labels for them. I didn't look very deeply into Vp even though I stood by them for... 14 years... shit that's half my life, didn't realise... but now I feel determined to really look into, well especially SD since they seem to be the only ones actually looking at reality and not following either the super conservative right-wingers nor the radical feminist left-wingers. As far as I gather, they're kinda centrist, egalitarian, but their biggest concern is the immigration politics and not in a racist way.
What I know about that so far, is that they want a more controlled immigration policy, but not completely ban it. They want to first and foremostly make sure the actual Swedes (regardless of skin colour and heritage, mind you) have rights and get heard, and not pander to immigrants who don't think they need to follow Swedish law. That's not racist, that's being reasonable. And it's actually shocking to me that there are people out there who say exactly that is included in the definition of "racism" and that's not just a few people, sadly. I started following a Swedish youtuber, a week or two ago, who mostly talks about politics ("En arg blatte talar" or "The angry foreigner") and although I don't agree with everything he says on his channel, he was the one to shine a light on SD for me.
My mind was so considerably blown in that moment that I couldn't even form one coherent thought. I had just stumbled upon his channel, noticed he had quite a lot of insight and intellect as well as being very articulate and a bit funny too, that our political views were very similar to each other, and I watched a bunch of videos, maybe 5-7 or so, until he from seemingly out of nowhere said that "SD is the only reasonable party in Sweden now (and a lot of reasons as to why)" and my jaw just dropped to the fucking floor as I thought SD was the least reasonable party in Sweden. And that's basically the short version as to how my entire world view (in terms of politics) turned up-side-down. But I want to be more careful for the next election (which is in September next year, so I've got some time) to actually learn, to the best of my ability, what I'm really throwing in my vote for. But as of now, it does look like it might go to that "retarded racist party" that everyone loves to make fun of. As of today, I saw that one of my closest friends had shared a video on facebook about how "racist" that party is. Not so much making fun, but more so blatantly hating on them.
Yeah, if I actually will vote for them, I've gotta grow some thicker skin to stand up for it in future conversations with my friends as well. All my life I've always thought that I can be friends with anyone regardless of if political our opinions are different or same, but it's never crossed my mind until recently, that my friends might not say the same about me. And I have kinda felt that nagging feeling within me that it's possible that I might lose friends over my new political perspective. However, I really do doubt I'll talk that much about it in real life with people. I only vaguely mentioned it to my mother (not even my own standpoint, just briefly what was up in society) a couple of weeks ago, but I've been very silent about it on facebook. Only time I ever really did go that route on that website was a few years ago and some annoying acquaintaince whom I didn't particularly care for said something incredibly stupid about men in a very feminist stance that I replied something along the lines of "not all men..." to, but I didn't get very far into my argumment then. Not only cause I didn't know exactly what to say, but also because I felt very attacked not only by her but also her friends defending her idiotic statement.
I don't even remember what it was now, but likely something about rapists. Not only cause that's the one topic all super radical feminists always bounce back to, but also because I have my own fair share of experiences that are kinda unique in the sense that I've been on the receiving end of it as a female (rape victim when I was presenting as female, by a guy), as well as then also been in that awkward situation where random women accuse me of being a "potential rapist" solely because I'm a guy, and feminists like that former acquaintance of mine don't see the absurdity and harmfulness in that kind of thinking that I see. Yeah, I haven't talked to her ever since then, and I think she also unfriended me on facebook. No, I'm not and never have been one of those trans guys who got "male privilege" after transitioning and passing as male in society. No, I got the fucking opposite. If anything, I can almost claim I had "female privilege" before transitioning. Not that any gender has an actual privilege in the western society, but I just mean that women have more rights than men, and what I did get was something in the likes of a certain disadvantage that I didn't have before. People got higher expectations on me for no fucking reason other than my perceived gender.
But enough about that, I don't want to rant about my personal experiences of gender inequality right now. I know that my main source of information isn't the most reliable (youtube) but because reading isn't a thing that's exactly working out for me these days (and by "days" I mean the past 6-7 years) videos, or spoken words, is by far the best way for me to take in information of most kinds. I try to deal with the "unreliable" aspect of it by watching several different people talk about the same few topics, like at least 10-15 different people if not 20, and try my best to also find actual experts talking and not just amateurs with a webcam and too much free-time on their hands. Although hours long seminars and interviews are far more difficult for me to focus on, especially if the spoken language is also very dry and academic - compared to the far more casual, witty monologues made by regular people who just share their opinions on various stuff in an often light-hearted way, which is information that is easier for me to take to cause it's more on my level, so to speak.
I still obsess about politics and mostly it suits me fine, but sometimes it can go on for hours at an end and with no cigarette breaks to take... it can become a bit overwhelming at times, like I just don't know how to stop or force myself to do something else like eating, playing WoW, drawing or going to sleep in my bed, or even just switch over to scroll on tumblr for a while. My mind always wanders back there and even if I can turn off youtube, I can't turn off my mind. The political side of youtube has become somewhat of a powerful magnet that is hard to pull myself away from. But the positive aspect of that is that I have something to keep my mind busy (especially from the cigarettes as I still try my best to quit smoking, and I'm down to just 1-2 cigarettes a day now, but yeah it's going slow), it feels rewarding and fulfilling in some way, and I keep learning more all the time. But I do spend a whole lot more time affirming new knowledge and sort of "proof checking" it than I do actually leaning new stuff.
I used to think I was quite extremist left-wing, turns out I'm barely left-wing at all. I used to believe I was a feminist, turns out I'm an anti-feminist egalitarian. I used to think that extreme left-wing wasn't bad at all, but turns out extremists on both the right and left sides of the centre are bad and not something I want to associate myself with. I used to think SD was the butt of a joke at best and a complete racist disgrace to Sweden's variety of political parties at worst, now I don't know for sure but they might just be the only party worth voting for.
This entry isn't really me saying I've made up my mind about that last part or to claim to "know" anything for sure, but I realise it probably will take me quite some time to dig up enough information and check its validity for me to feel like I do know enough to form an educated and wise opinion on that, and that I wanted to share my tumbling thoughts and feelings before having reached that point. I can change my mind when provided with new information, in fact I can even change from black to white or white to black, but never when it's convenient for anyone else than me. Or even me, for that damn matter. I'm still mostly following the whims of my mind and heart, but I tend to think them through a bit more than I used to. However, sometimes it doesn't matter how well I think a whim through, sometimes I'm so set on one track that nothing can sway me, not even when I try to break myself down and shatter my own illusions. Perhaps minds don't work that way, that maybe we can't distort our own convictions.
