I'm tired of this. Everything, at the moment. I guess it's one of those moments everything that was bad just caught up with you at the same time. It almost kills you. I'm like the leaning tower of Pisa, supported and strapped up, still it will fall any minute, but it's still standing, though it shouldn't be possible.
Thirst i thought it was just the bedbugs that had followed me from my last apartment. All the rashes looked just like it. But in my new apartment I've never seen any of them, never felt an actual bite as I did before. But I wanted it to be them, how easy it would be if it was. But it wasn't them. It's a rash from some of my new medications. As soon as I got to Gotland my mum recognized them and we came down to that it has to be because of my new medications. The first thing we thought to do about it was of course calling the psych unit I see my doctors at, but I didn't wanna do it. You know I hate phones, and I absolutely hate calling. It's mostly okay to pick up the phone, as long as I know who's calling. But I can't call a stranger. I just can't.
In time, the rashes slowly started to go away, they only reappeared sometimes at night if it was too warm underneath the duvet. It gets worse if I'm stressed or too warm, of some reason. But when I woke up today, this morning, my whole face was swollen up. I know I have to do something, I mean I don't want this shit to get even worse. I've got a doctor's appointment the 29th. Maybe I can stick around with this until then, maybe not.
The thing is, it's not just about my “phone-phobia”. I think it's the Lyrica that's causing this, and it's the best goddamn medicine I've ever taken. I don't want it to be it, and I don't want the doctor to say that it undoubtedly has to be it and I should stop taking it ASAP. What if, then? What if it is so damn simple that I just have to stop taking some goddamn pills? Huh? I just don't want to go back to having constant anxiety from morning to evening and evening to morning, day after day, night after night. I can barely manage this so called life with the Lyrica. How the fuck am I going to be off it? Just like before...?
I've tried to kill myself five times in only this year. I'm not stable. But with Lyrica, I could almost touch the feeling of wanting to be alive. Just for a short moment, maybe every other day or so. Maybe it's less. But just that little... it's somehow so much.
But bad news don't often come alone, do they? No, they don't. I've noticed that after every time I eat the food doesn't wanna stay. I have to get up really slow and careful from sitting down to not accidentally push it up my throat. I guess I don't have to mention how this is effecting my self-hatred, world-hatred, the health-care-system-hatred, my depression or my general state of mind. I. Can't. Take. Any. More.
If the world could just piss off...
