My brain has turned to mush. Well, what did I expect? I've been awake
for 40 hours and counting, and all I've eaten today is one cupcake.
Yeah, you get bruised when you hit yourself in the face...
figuratively speaking. Still overly sensitive. I can listen to
basically any song that I like and feel the shivers down my back, as
if I heard it again for the first time. But the music just can't seem
to get loud enough. I’ve maxed the volume on all devices and it's
still not enough. The day before yesterday I could barely listen to
the same music on a quarter of the max volume. I've deafened in two
days, so it seems. Nah, it's just my mushy brain having a hard time
interpreting... well, everything.
Listening to Marillion's beautiful song “Jigsaw” and getting lost
in the clear, high tones of... (can it be a keyboard?) caressing my
ear. I'm listening to sounds with my head phones in mono, and it's so
much better that stereo. I notice tiny little extra melodies and
instruments I didn't notice before, in the same old songs. Like a
little rainbow sprinkle. Okay, I'm too damn tired now... Fuck, I just
wanna go to sleep. I'm going off to the district health care centre
tomorrow forenoon to get my testosterone shot. I won't be alive to
get my ass over there without sleep tonight. Goddamn you brain, I
hate you so, so much! Ugh, maybe dying would feel a little less
painful... well, that obviously depends on how you're dying. And I
only know two ways. Well, that came out wrong, since I haven't
actually died. But I could have, and those were OD: felt nothing at
all, I fell asleep and it all went black. Strangulation: now that
bloody fucking hurt, but I don't what to compare it too. Strong
convulsions with severe breathing difficulties, it's a one of a kind,
that pain. I guess what I’m feeling right now is somewhere in
between those two. Which basically says absolutely nothing cause
those are my absolute polar extremes regarding pain. Everything I
feel and ever have felt would be between those two.
Sigh... doesn't matter. A little insomnia never killed anyone. Why am
I still getting back to “Fight Club” all the time? That movie
sort of sums up today, tonight and yesterday pretty damn well. Except
that I’m not trying to kill my split personality something persona,
who normally goes by the name Anna. I haven't tried to kill her in a
while actually, not since 2011 when she really pissed me off. Well,
getting rid of her and still be able to survive myself, would
probably be something like doing brain surgery on myself and expect
to recover from that without brain damage. Which by the way I have no
intention of doing, in case you were wondering. I haven't been
without sleep for quite that long for something like that to happen.
But my brain is a little off tonight, and for some reason I started
thinking about something I came across while surfing the web. That is
people who have lobotomised themselves. Well I’m just astounded
about how they succeeded to do that! I mean: painful, tricky and
messy to say the least. I do however understand that a person today
must have quite some horrible life in order to even consider such an
option. Well, I’m still mostly morbidly fascinated by how they do
it and what become of them after, and care less about their feelings.
These days I’m more illogically practical, sensitively cynical,
passionately despondent and other fine contradictions you won't find
in a dictionary. Rather than creatively hopeless, empathetically
emotionally detached and greedlessly selfish. This is fun, making up
totally suitable new word combinations! Another sign of
schizophrenia, but hey who cares. I’ve been making up words since I
was four and I have no intention of stop doing so. We can call it
poetic.
Now I’m not very sensitive anymore, obviously. More of a dulled,
lacking a few brain cells and poetically crazy state of mind right
now. It's like my thoughts are cut off at the end and the beginning,
I only get the middle part of them. Which really isn't that easy to
make anything tangible out of. It's just nonsense. Keep reading the
same words over and over but only half the letters disappear. Like
someone put cotton inside my head and then squeezed my head together
again just a little bit too tight. I’m babbling again, what the
hell. I once saw this video of a bloke who stayed awake for 11 days.
He said that it was only hard the first three or so days. He still
hadn't slept when the video was filmed, and I could tell he was
disoriented and incoherent, kind of like I am now, so my guess is
that he was probably lying. About it getting easier after three days,
I mean. I think that is the world record of sleep deprivation even,
at least among the recorded nutcases who have too much free-time and
crave fame or something. Cause I’m bloody certain there are and
have been a lot of people who've been awake for much longer time
periods than that. Just that they don't/didn't have a choice. Now I
do know that in most cases of real insomnia (not the pseudo kind I
get once in a while) the person do get a little sleep every once in a
while, like an hour or two a day/night. They dose off a little
whenever cause they're so tired, but can't really fall asleep and
stay sleeping, not for long at least. So I believe it is rare to have
a complete absence of sleep during a longer period of insomnia, but
I’m just saying there's gotta be a few of those cases too.
If I survive this awfully long and painful night, get my shot of
testo tomorrow and still am alive after that, I might do some
research on the subject, but until then I just wanna focus on
something a little less depressing. Chances are I won’t remember it
by then though. Memory loss is also quite common after a couple of
days without sleep. Well, I have this blog entry as a reminder at
least, if I ever stop writing so I can post this. I can't even close
my eyes for more than two seconds, and I can't even keep them open
for more than two seconds... I’m neither awake or asleep, or I’m
both. No, neither.
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