Still I try

I’m tired of these mind tricks, and I hate my fucking brain. Twenty times or more I have wanted to bang my head against something hard today, but that would hardly help or do me any good. It's just another form of self harm. So I’m stuck with feeling like a complete idiot with zero self control.

The embroidering is going alright, especially since I’ve only done cross-stitches once before and that was 10 years ago or so. Right now I’m working on a piece of text, a quote. It's so-so readable and some words ended up a little bit too close together, but over all it looks quite neat. I ended up using normal sewing thread in four layers and it's working out alright. I’m gonna do a picture underneath and around the quote once I’m done with it.

It's hard to concentrate, cause I keep making the same mistake with the stitches over and over again. I can't believe that even when I’m yelling at myself in pure frustration and resentment, I use English. I’m so tired of myself, feel worthless and hopeless. Still I try to look beyond that and keep doing what I’m doing, keep trying. Even if it doesn't turn out at all as I want it. I need to distract myself, and making an embroidered picture while listening to the fifth book of Harry Potter is quite some therapy. Steven Fry who reads the book is also amazing, apart from that he is truly a marvellous character himself, has done an astonishing work in portraying the characters in the book. Only that is a good reason to listen to it. I haven't yet read the sixth and seventh books (shame on me), and it seems I can't focus enough to read anything longer than a short article nowadays. Thank goodness for audiobooks!

This song really speaks to me right now. I've never heard it before, and I'm a devoted fan of Evanescence. Seriously thought I'd heard all their songs, can't believe I missed this one! Apparently it's one of the first songs they've ever made, and it didn't make it to their first album “Origin”. Sadly enough, they seem to get more and more commercial and weaker. I love their first album, really like their second, the third is okay and I find their fourth album mostly kind of boring. Though some songs really stand out, like “Lost in paradise” and “My heart is broken”. I don't think I've realised just how much I like this band before. And well, it's also a plus that they got the most beautiful female singer I know of.

How many times have you told me you love her
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me

Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night

Your secret admirer
Who could it be

Ooh, Can't you see
All along it was me
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me

And Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

- “Solitude” by Evanescence.