Dreams and reasons

I don't know if I mentioned it "out loud" here on my blog or if it remained private, but I did write about that I wondered when you were gonna show up in my nightly dreams, Y. And so it happens that this night you did. I don't remember exactly what went on in my dream, but it was a lot of people involved, from my present time and my past. I think you had been to a hair salon to get purple hair but the hair dresser had messed up and it was more of a pinkish brown shade. That's all I remember though.

I am gonna answer your message on tumblr soon. It's just that (and this might be a stupid reason, I don't know) I don't write very well here at my parents' place cause I can't smoke simultaneously since I have to be outdoors when smoking and I can't bring my stationary computer with me out there. You are not forgotten nor neglected though, and I just thought I should tell you that. I might figure out a way to solve this problem, I will try to at least. Otherwise, I do get back home to my own apartment soon after New Years again. Okay, that's all I can think of right now.

Hardly breathe

What do I do when I have thoughts I don't want to write down? I need to purge more, I need to harm my heart more. I don't even know why, but it's a response of some kind. Maybe I miss the flutters, symptoms that made me feel like dying. Like I actually had some kind of control.

I'm listening to "Diamonds and rust" by Blackmore's Night on repeat and shiver every single time. I don't think I've really listened to it before but I know I have heard it. I know it was K who made me start listening to that band, but indirectly so. I mean, he posted a music video of them quite some time ago (like 2 years ago) somewhere and it got me curious.

I guess I'll continue my self destruction by eating disorder next year. Cause these damn holidays are in my bloody way. I can't starve and probably can't purge either at my parents' place. I feel so damn empty right now, like the air just went out of me and I've forgotten how to breathe, but it's just a feeling and I'm still breathing.

I shouldn't get so upset every single time but I do. Containing it, yes, you would not be able to tell just by looking at me how the sadness that tore me apart turned to an aching numbness. I just don't even show emotions so how would I be able to show the lack of them?

And I want to tell you something Y, anything but I'm all out of words. Not that I feel like I have to or anything such, I just want to, but feel incapable. Thoughts of K are spinning on overdrive in my stressed out mind and I worry about him. I'm still capable of thinking of you too in the midst of that though. I'm in so many places at once right now and it literally makes me dizzy. And I don't have much control over it at all. Some, but not much.

I think without words, feel without emotions right now and it's all just a tumbling mess inside of me. I'm so tired but I can't sleep in this state. Eventually I'll have to. It hurts to smoke but I can't stop. Lighting a new cigarette right after putting the old one out. Again and again until I can restore some kind of sanity. I hope I can at least smoke myself to death eventually. My breathing problems have never been this severe and persistent before. I might be onto something there.

I can't make myself cook a meal just to purge it. Just the thought of food grosses me out and I can't make myself eat anything in this state. I don't even know how to describe it. Just a vague, distant... something. What's left of a thought or a feeling when you've suppressed it half enough to kill it but not entirely? There, that's where I am. It's the fear again, and it took me this long to figure that out, but it's barely there anymore. I think it broke me, or I broke it somehow. Cause I can't fully reach it anymore. It hangs over me and lingers, breaks me but I somehow manage to suppress it, to push away, at least somewhat.

Cause I could never deal with it, could never suffer through it. That fear, the strongest type of fear I've ever felt and it's very specific. I do get reminded sometimes, but it can't overwhelm me anymore. But... shouldn't say that too fast or too loud or it might just surprise me. Hit me with full strength again. If something happens. Then I'll crash so fucking hard I'll break into tiny pieces and I doubt I'd be able to fully restore again afterwards. But something might also not happen and my fears might not come true. I hope for that. What else can I do? I can't protect him.

"If you're offering diamonds and rust, I've already paid" makes me shiver every time I hear it. I don't even know why. It just hits a certain spot in me and I lose all direction I ever had in my thoughts. I don't know what to make of the lyrics yet, but they sound familiar somehow. Like they could be about K, or Caspian. Yeah, more about the latter, I suppose. But I can't even think about Caspian right now, cause missing him too in the midst of everything would just break me.

I don't really refuse any thoughts or feelings though, except from this fear, that is. Everything else can just come and go as it pleases. I've noticed it's best that way. And I need, I truly believe that I need to put some effort into pushing away that fear. I would do all sorts of crazy and dangerous things just to cope otherwise. Anything, sincerely anything. And it still wouldn't help. So, somehow I think it's better to suppress it. Bottle it up, choke it with numbness.

Siamese children related by the heart

Where do you go, with a heart that wants to stay and a soul that wants to go home? My mind doesn't want to stay either, so I'm guessing it's two against one, but my body always wins and it wants to stay the most. I don't even know why my body is trying so extremely hard to keep me alive. What is its goal? What does it want? Does it even have a clue? It's like a machinery put on autopilot and there's no stopping it. I can't pull the plug cause it's automatic and runs on god knows what.

I don't even know what to compare it with. Stupidity, perhaps. That my body is just stupid and keeps me alive for absolutely no reason at all. It carries a mind and soul that don't want to be alive and have never wanted it in the first place. My longing for Dala is not extreme today, but my wish to stay live is still non-existent. I guess I don't care much where I am, I just don't like being alive in this awful place. Yeah, yeah, I get by with my poems and drawings and the people I care about but none of that makes me truly want to stay alive. I don't think anything ever can.

Except possibly love. If it's K, or someone else, sometime in the future. Yeah, I'm still hooked on the idea that love can make me want to give life another chance. I don't think it could save me, but it could possibly help me save myself. Is that stupid, to think that way? When I don't even know what it is I'm hoping for? I mean I've never had it. How can I then know it's gonna be my ticket out of misery? I can't know. I can only hope, cause after all, it's literally the only hope I have left.

I don't dream anymore, I don't see the point in doing so, cause dreams only shatter eventually, I might as well spare myself from that pain and stop dreaming altogether. At school, they almost force me to dream. To think about the future in what they perceive as positive ways, but all that does is hurting me because it can never turn out that way. I'm a realistic, rational person who is also very romantic and has unrealistic dreams and high hopes. It does not match very well. As my realistic side keeps bringing down my dreamy side and the other way around. The two sides constantly tear each other apart.

It's become exhausting and only wounds are left. I'm tired of fighting myself, watching different sides of me tear each other bloody for there can't ever be a middle ground and they can't ever find a way to co-exist. That's the reality of being a contradiction, and that's just the me side of me, I haven't even included Anna. She's a third part in almost everything. So maybe I'm not just black and white simultaneously, I'm black white and something else as well. Cause I don't know which colour to possibly give Anna. Maybe purple, soothing and calming like blue, but fiery and raging like red. I don't know.

But yeah, my contradictions tear me to pieces cause they're always fighting each other no matter how much I'm trying to not let any fights go on inside of me. They just can't agree to disagree under any circumstances. At all. Fight, fight, fight, win, win, win. Maybe there just is no god damned winning? I'm tired of it. I feel a bit like maybe I was supposed to be parted up into three different people instead of "just" two, but I'm somehow the mind of two different personalities. Like my soul was supposed to be split again, but only partially did.

I see it a little as that at least, that me and Anna is some kind of soul split. I really am grasping at straws and it's just a theory, or a way for me to describe it. I think it's at least fairly close to what could be the truth? I used to be just one person, then suddenly I was two. One primary personality (John) and one dormant (Anna), but they're both me. We haven't really gotten even one step closer to becoming one again. It's like... we become more different and apart from each other all the time, at the same time as we're also becoming more alike. We both are expanding. She shows new sides and I do too.

I still can't help but wonder who I would have been if I had never split the way I did. That song, "Jigsaw" by Marillion, makes me think a lot about Anna and us two. Like, I'm still not 100% sure of how to even interpret the lyrics, but yeah. "We are Siamese children related by the heart, bleeding from the surgery of initial confrontation, holding the word scalpels on trembling lips." -kinda makes me think about that. Like, if we'd ever separate, you know. And also "Are we trigger happy? Russian roulette in the waiting room." reminds of how eager we may be to separate. A little too eager, perhaps.

And "drifting past the point of reasons why" is a part of the lyrics I also relate to, but that is harder to explain exactly why. But yeah, always when I hear that song it makes me think about Anna. Oh, but I have a whole playlist of songs on Spotify that remind me of her. I can barely breathe as I chain smoke again. The crew said they'd call "later" but now it's just too damn late and I'm too tired to do anything. They had some planning to do or something. I don't care which.

Heart and soul

I don't know what to do with today. Morning thoughts still linger past 15:00 o'clock and I'm in some kind of vague mist where everything is dulled. But it's clear at the same time. Maybe it's just empty and I'm using too many words to describe a void. Or maybe it's something deeper that I can't grab, nor understand. It's too early for feelings like these. Or maybe I just woke up too late. Don't understand why I slept for so long, the only thing I can think of is that I was awake for a long time yesterday and drawing takes more energy than it feels like when I'm at it. It comes afterwards.

I'm listening to Marillion again and I feel it was just the right choice of music this time. Lately it's been hard to find what my heart wants, erh, in terms of music, that is. No, in any other terms my heart screams loud and clear for what it wants. Constantly, fucking constantly and it's exhausting to listen to. I don't really listen to it though, as I cannot give it what it wants. I just acknowledge it, accept it and let it scream. Soothe it if I can. Tell it that with time and patience, anything could potentially be possible.

What else can I do? Telling it to simply shut up with the constant nagging is obviously not gonna help at all. Then it's better to just let it be, let it hunger for what it aches for. Perhaps it will let me breathe someday. I'm so full of aching and longing that it tears me apart more often than I can understand. My heart for what it wants, and my soul for what it wants. It's not even the same things. I see it as, that my heart is human but my soul is not. The latter carries homesickness, or hiraeth, a longing too strong and alien for me to be able to fully describe. My heart mostly just wants love it cannot have.

It's as if they're two different species stuffed inside the same body, and they're separated from each other and don't communicate very well. They tear me in two different directions and in the end my soul will probably win. As it cries for death and for that to take me back to Dala, while my heart begs of me to stay and to be close to K and everyone else that I love. I believe, in the end my heart will take the biggest hit, as I cannot stay forever and even if I could, its yearning can still not be satisfied. It will die broken, shattered and scarred.

And I don't have the power to mend it. Even if I could though, it would most likely break again. And again and again. It might not be weak, but it's highly sensitive and can't carry all those big emotions its creating out of nowhere. I do believe that the best way, despite everything and how weird it may sound, is to let it remain broken. To somehow find a way to live with it being that way. That's better than to heal and break and heal and break again. I think that was worse in the past, as every time it broke I broke too. And why heal it when it obviously is completely pointless?

Is that what it's telling me? That it's pointless and I shouldn't even bother? That I should instead find a way to live with it as it is? It doesn't sound illogical to me. I believe it's a strategy I found only because I couldn't find a better one. Am I trying to live? I suddenly ask myself. No, but maybe I'm trying to find a way to survive. As it feels I don't have much of a choice and I can't die. I'm reaching the end of this thought process, and don't know how to finish this text. I just caved in and had some kind of breakfast and I can't think clear.

Boredom and anger

My computer just randomly shut down while I was asleep again. My heart is racing and I don't know why. It makes me dizzy. I'm so tired and can't focus on anything. Just had breakfast though. Don't know if that will help with anything. But it could. More coffee, what am I supposed to do? I feel sick-ish but it's probably just because I've been drinking two nights in a row.

Tried to sleep but couldn't. I'm just somewhere between awake and asleep and I'm not very good at doing either right now. I was gonna book a laundry appointment but it was seriously full booked until late night of December the 23rd. That's what you get for not remembering it until now. I guess I'll just wear the same dirty tracksuit for another couple of weeks then. Oh sigh, what's the damn difference anyway? They haven't been washed since September or if it was August, so what difference does two more weeks make?

And I imagine watching one of my favourite movies with K and telling him my birth name cause it has some significance to that movie. I wouldn't mind him knowing at all. It's a part of my past, a part of me and I do want to share everything with him, eventually. But I don't just want to throw information on him, you know, I believe everything has its time and place. And we just haven't gotten there yet. I wouldn't tell him in a room full of people I don't know, but if it was just me and him, and possibly his partner too, I wouldn't mind it.

There are more people I would want to tell, like Y, but yeah, time and place are always things to consider for me. Sometimes other things seem to me more important to talk about. Hah, so far I've only told a few people, completely on accident, and I regretted it for so long. Not counting in those who know/knew me from before, that is. But those I have told, who didn't know, have been very few. I still hate that name, and it still sends shivers down my spine every time I hear it. I'm glad I don't have a classmate with that name, but just because I said it, I will probably get a new one with that name by next term.

I can deal with it, when other people have my birth name, but it's never easy. And it's a very common female name, that much I can say. Common, all around the world. I've literally heard of Spanish, French, American, even Indian women with that name. Only thing good about it, is its meaning. It's awful and badass at the same time, according to me then. It fit me rather good, except that it was the wrong gender. Nah, I won't give you any more clues here, it's too risky, don't want people I don't trust with my life to find out.

But yes, there are a few people I wouldn't mind knowing at all. Like I think it could even possibly bring us closer. I don't know, I'm thinking things I should not tell here. And that I won't. I only share my own life and secrets here, no one else's. Or, I very much try to not do that. My thoughts seem to be on K a lot tonight and I can't really find a specific reason as to why. Why more than usual, I mean.

I can't wake up, I just fucking can't. It's 17:53 and I feel half dead. Half drunk but the alcohol isn't helping. Not today, and it's the last day I can drink before I go to my parents' place and then it will be less drinking, but not nothing I suppose. I'm gonna try to stay away from beer though. I know they always drink a lot of it. I don't know what I'll do, I really don't know. Maybe I'll still drink it cause booze is booze. And that Christmas special beer usually isn't so bad.

Hell is living without you... I still feel what Alice Cooper sings. Mainly cause I don't know at all what to listen to so I take first best playlist on Spotify. I just don't know at all. Four drinks down now, I'm losing my ability to write but gain nothing. Nothing but the same old heartache increased and my thoughts are dulled. I love K so much my heart hurts again. I don't really like it when it is that way. What good does it do?

Take it down a bit from Alice Cooper and listen to Sigur Ros instead. No lyrics, just wonderful tunes. They sometimes have lyrics but I'm not very good at understanding Icelandic. Could look it up, but I don't care. I went shopping cause I was bored and craved pizza. Again. Could only eat half of it though, save the rest for tomorrow.

Yay, I can soon go to bed! Cause I'm so incredibly bored and don't really care about being awake. ESO is taking forever to update and WoW is boring me half to death. I literally just tore my knuckles bloody from banging my fist too... I don't even know in what way, against my desk. I think I must have scraped it against the edge somehow. Cause I can't make ESO work right now and it wants me to delete some random files and I just... nope, nope and certainly not today. Not a shred of me has the energy to do that. I just swallowed half a handful of pills and hope this day will just end soon enough. Can't fucking stand it.

What it all comes down to

Now they're both depressed and I don't really know what to do with myself. Like, I kinda feel jolly happy in comparison except I've got no reason to be and I'm still miserable. Yes, I still am suicidal and hate most of my life, but I still can't see the possibility that I would be depressed. Neither can any doctor I've spoken to the past 10 years. I'm half depressed, like low, constantly, but it's more like some kind of melancholy?

I just want to be a support for both of them but I feel helpless and clueless. I don't mind it at all, loving and or caring about people with depression, it can happen to anyone and doesn't make them any less lovable/likable. But it's a bit difficult too, as I just want to be around them even when thy don't feel up for having any company at all. I'm just words and expression with nowhere to to turn. I wish I could do more, but I'm so very far away and can't just... you know, do anything than sit on my ass.

I think it's my own inability to know what to do with myself that is the only fault here, that I wish I could do more than I actually can and I feel too persistent, annoying and in the way. And maybe it has nothing to do with their states of mind, cause I grew up thinking I was like that. That I'm a bother, in the way and should just shut up and sit in my corner. Well, everyone except from my parents seemed to think that way. That I was just wrong and should change but I couldn't.

Mabe it's my asperger to blame, I don't know. I was kinda born with it and it's always been a fucking bother. To me and everyone around me. Although, in my teens I learned somehow, how to act like "normal" people do, in some ways at least and yeah, I think it all just comes down to me and my own insecurities. I don't feel good in this drunkenness, I feel like a fucking failure. And I know it's very likely that you, and others, don't perceive me that way. But I do and that hurts.

I feel like I'm just never good enough no matter how hard I try. How many million times have I tried my fucking best and still ended up failing miserably? Enough times to have it imprinted in my brain that I am an utter failure. And I blame it on a curse when I really should just blame it on the faulty wiring in my brain combined with my over sensitivity. I take things so hard, every time I fail at something, it can be very small, I just crash and I crash so damn hard. I lose all faith every single time thinking I can literally never get it right.

It doesn't matter what it is and I can't even think of an example. Cause I'm too drunk and I'm just a sad alcoholic. Another life wasted, huh? So no, I have absolutely nothing against any of the two depressed souls that I would do close to anything to care for and support, all I have against is my own damn self. Sometimes I wonder how can I not be depressed myself? I have every god damn reason to be but I'm not. I still laugh and enjoy myself between the deepest, darkest moments of self hatred, anxiety and feelings I don't even have names for. I love and live, despite of everything, and I just can't understand it.

No, of course I don't want to be depressed, but this has been bothering me for all these 10 years since that first doctor I ever saw prescribed me Prozac after my second suicide attempt (the first they were aware of) because suicide attempt are so commonly associated with depression. But the pills had no effect and I wasn't even diagnosed with depression. Instead I got Sertraline or Zoloft which is the same thing, and I did feel better for some time but it was the circumstances. Life became better as I got into a really good school/class, fell in love with R and everything was good because of what happened around me.

Then I've tried almost every anti-depressant drug known to man and I can't even remember them all cause I just couldn't understand why they weren't working. I've tried to kill myself 18 times but I was never depressed. It just doesn't fit. Think I dreamed of a 19th suicide attempt this night, hrm, I just remembered. I wondered what I did in that dream, if maybe it's something I could try in real life.

It's become my CV, my rap sheet, my senseless pride about how many times I've tried to end my life. How many people managed 18 times and still live to tell the stories? It all begins with a thought, then what I do often hasn't been even close to deadly. That's how I survived it. But I never wanted to survive, never hoped someone would save me. I just wanted it all gone. And I still do.

I am and have been thinking about trying again lately but I don't know if I'm gathering courage or what. I think of one, maybe two different methods. One is probably more deadly than the other but they're both very dangerous and could possibly damage my brain. Permanently. If I don't die, that is. Although, if I die my brain would definitely be permanently damaged. Since you don't really come out of that state. I really should just take a god damn needle and my black pen ink and stab in the words "do not resuscitate" on my wrist or something before going ahead with any of those two methods though. Just in case.

But write it in Swedish in case the fuck ass who tries to "save" me didn't go to enough English lessons at school to understand my writing. Urgh, I don't really want Swedish words permanently under my skin, but what the fuck else to do, kinda. It's leaning a lot more to one method more than the other due to technical and practical reasons. I don't want to scare any of my readers way too much so won't say what I'm half planning to do. I haven't planned very far, but after 18 failed attempts, I don't any longer believe that much planning is even necessary.

Just get the tools necessary for the job, write a 45679904th suicide letter and wait for the right opportunity. I still stay alive throughout this horrible year though. Cause I think I'll do it somewhere at school and it's very closed there now until next year. Never talking about my suicide attempts in real life kinda seems to make them pile on even more... Like I just don't care anymore, it's my life, my death. And I wonder how many attempts it will take, before I either get better or die. One of those things are bound to happen at some point in my life.

Cause either I'll die from suicide or I won't. It's really that simple. I wonder what will catch up with me first, suicide death or natural death. Well, I could get into some kind of accident or get murdered too though, but somehow that seems less likely. I'm sorry, I'm worrying you for no reason. I don't plan to try suicide again before next year and that's weeks ahead, yet I write as if it could happen tomorrow. It's not gonna, that much I can promise.

But I do feel torn, as I'm just getting drunker, half laughing at stupid things, half wanting to die. And I'm getting bored again, as I took a WoW break and then got bored with it. I did however look up the cost of getting ESO (elder scrolls online, pc game) and it wasn't that very pricey, so I think I'll go for it. Tomorrow that is, cause that's when I'll get more money. Maybe I should just go to bed, I don't know. I don't care.

Lost in thoughts

Y, I just thought of it cause I'm past the point of crashing mentally and my mind is not working as intended (erh, more than usually, that is) but if you liked that song by Evanescence I would strongly also recommend "Lost in paradise" if you haven't heard it already. The lyrics in that song are even more amazing. It reminds me of Dala, Caspian, not feeling like I belong here and it might just be my number one favourite song by them.

Don't know if you're aware, but I think there's definitely a double meaning to the phrase "lost in paradise" as it means to be like you're living in your dreams, head in the clouds sort of, and also to me it means I'm lost in Dala, which is my paradise. Simply, that song has a very significant meaning to me. I'll share the lyrics here, just in case you're interested:

"I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me

All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore

Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go

Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

Alone, and lost in paradise"

Just wanted to tell you that, briefly. I don't think my senses are working quite as they should and I've worn myself out quite a bit this week. But it was the last week of school for this term so I guess I wanted to make an effort. I think I just need to rest for a few days and then I should be myself again. I still want to write to you though, even when I don't know what to say. I just thought of something though, and that is I want to tell you that I don't find it annoying or bothersome in any way, that you're not answering much. I appreciate every little word you do write and they warm me, comfort me in a way.

And I don't want to stop writing to you no matter what, but it might happen that it could be a day or a few between my messages to you sometimes. But it's nothing against you at all. It's just my mind with a million things on it simultaneously that sometimes I get side tracked and I don't have much control over it. You know my thoughts and emotions rule me and I'm just trying to keep up as well as I can. Yes, you are on my mind even when I don't write to you, but it's not always concrete thoughts that I can easily write down.

Often times it's so abstract that all I know it's you lingering in there but I don't know much more than that. Though, I often ask myself how you are, what you could be doing or thinking at random moments of the day or night. I hope you're not doing too awful, that you can at least feel alright some moments here and there. And I think what I would do if I was there with in person, in your hardest and not so hard moments, any moments.

I don't really know what I would do, but to just be there, you know? Perhaps talk a little, share some of my experiences or random thoughts that happen to be on my mind. Yeah, you're not just on my mind when I'm half drunk at 2:00 am but also when I'm sober by my computer, at school or wherever at 11:00 am or 4:00 pm, or any other times of the day, in any state of mind, and any location. I'm not sure exactly what it means that I think so much about you, but that I care about you and want to be by your side.

There's a lot I haven't figured out yet, and mostly I try to leave it at that, for now at least. I believe I will figure things out when the time is right for that, and as of now I just accept it. Welcome the thoughts and whatever feelings may or may not be involved. They are a bit like abstract art that can be interpreted in many ways but really can't be interpreted at all. However, I don't try to fight them or analyse them to bits as of now, I have so much already going on and I just don't think now is a good time for it. Although, some days I do a little bit of analysing but so far it really hasn't gotten me much of anywhere.

I do believe they are positive feelings though, if there is such a thing. They're not dark, depressing or painful at least. They make me curious and I guess that curiosity is a bit hard for me to contain. Still echo everything we've said and written, or a lot of it at least as I can't remember exactly everything of course, but yeah a lot of it still echoes within me. I don't regret anything I've said, I have no reason to. Sometimes I might wish I had said more, but it's often like that, that you can't think of words in the moment but they come to you later on.

It's a lot like that for me. I might be thinking about a million things at once, but it's so hard to find words to say. I guess that could be a reason as to why it's easier for me to write than to talk, cause then I've got more time. I can go over the same text many times and add things and I could literally do that forever cause I can always find more stuff to add. It's an endless process that I eventually just have to end, or nothing would ever be finished.

But when I talk it's rather the opposite. Then I can't find words and everything in my head suddenly seems so vague and abstract. Although, I have noticed that it's not so hard for me to talk with you. I don't know why for sure, but I think it has to do with safeness, that I feel safe with you and then I can relax more and I'm not so scared of saying "the wrong thing" or messing up my words. I always have difficulties with that, even with my mother, my best friend and K. Even everyone I know and have known. I think that's my childhood shyness that still leaves a trail somehow.

I was very shy as a child and only ever spoke when someone first spoke to me. I never initiated contact under any circumstances. But then, when I was 15, summer between 8th and 9th grade, I just decided to "stop being shy" and ever since I've been working on it. I never thought it would still linger 11 years later though. I'm pretty certain it was the bullying that made me so shy, I just expected to be laughed at or get shit every time I opened my mouth.

But anyhow, I don't feel that shyness as much when I talk to you. A little bit, but it's like it's wearing off somehow. Also, I do tend to get completely random spurs of bravery/courage sometimes too where I do half insane things that are totally out of my comfort zone. Then it's like I don't even have a comfort zone. I'm not sure, but I don't think that's happened when I'm with you yet. Just saying that it can happen and also most likely one day will. It's something I do look forward to, or I would if I thought about it, but I'm not expecting it. Just know that it's a part of who I am, and I guess maybe I'd like for you to see that part as well.

Okay, I'm starting to run out of words, but I did apparently have a lot to say to you right now. I hope I could bring you some comfort or support, or anything along those lines. I'm still here and I want to show you that in any way I can. I still want to share my life with you, my thoughts and feelings. If I don't write to you in a few days again, please bear in mind that I am exhausted and beyond and might lose my words because of that. But I might also not and I might write you walls of text every single day. Or it becomes something in between, I can never really know.

It all depends on how my mind is working and how well. But no matter how it's working and if it's working, you're still on it. Every day and night. But for now I can't think of anything more to say, think I need to disappear into Azeroth (WoW) for a while and do some mindless monster killing. But I'll write to you again soon, as soon as something, anything pops up or becomes clear enough to put into words. If you need me, if I need you and any other times. You are dear to me, that too I want to have said before I end this text. You are, very much.

Morning words

I may be extremely daft sometimes or just not realising obvious things, but this was a bit subtle, in a way, I guess. Cause as I fell asleep last night it suddenly hit me that the letter "K" is the one right between my initials "J.L." in the alphabet. When I picked that pseudonym for K who I write about here I literally had no idea it could be even remotely connected to my own name. I find it a bit fascinating.

Y, thank you for looking up and listening to that song by Evanescence. I didn't know if it would be in your taste, their music, and I was too tired to actually find and post that song somewhere online, as I listen to everything via Spotify. Many of their songs pierce my heart and I think they must be one of my favourite music groups ever, since I found out about them sometime around 2003-2004 I think it was. Not very goth, but they're slightly inspired by that genre I believe. However, your post on tumblr touched me, I wanted you to know that.

I really should try going to school this last day of the term but half I don't want to, and half I don't know if I have the energy to. I slept deeply and heavily for about 7-8 hours it was almost like being in a very short coma, as I was so exhausted after having been to school yesterday. I still feel wrecked apart and shaken about. I'll make this a fairly short entry, I think, as I don't have that much time to write in the mornings before school, and I need time to play WoW, possibly eat breakfast and get ready too.

Need to buy food today as well, after school if I get there, that is. But damn I really don't feel like it and I have no idea what to buy as there's nothing I feel like eating. Okay I'll skip WoW and I'll skip breakfast cause it's a short school day and I might skip half of it as they're gonna go into a church which I'm not all that comfortable with, and neither is another classmate of mine, so yeah, maybe I'll skip that if she does, or something. We're just Satanists not comfortable with churches.

And also I'm not much for that type of ceremonies or what to call it. Likely singing Christmas carols and listening to some speech or something awfully dull like that. Anyways, time to get ready now.

Through my shell

Now I'm shivering, and slightly crying, to "My immortal" by Evanescence while singing along "though you're still with me I've been alone so alone..." That song just brutally pierces through my shell and causes shock waves within me. I listen to the live version of it, in which Amy Lee's voice is so strong and vibrant. God, I love that woman's voice. Also, they increase the beat with more and stronger instruments about halfway into the song, only in the live version, in just the right place it hits me to the bone. Tonight it does. But I have to go to bed now. I really do.

Options

Okay my poem "I'll be there" that I wrote and posted on tumblr days ago is still getting notes. It's up at 19 now and I don't even know why. But yeah, my more sweet love poems tend to get more notes than the more harsh reality ones. They both reflect my reality however, as there is both a sweet and a bitter side to my feelings.

How can I be exhausted and still not tired enough to sleep? Is exhausted even the right word? I don't know what else I would feel. But I continue drinking and smoking myself more tired. Bored with everything. I'm feeling so dead that not even the best songs can make me shiver. It feels like someone beat up my soul and mind and then stuffed them back into my body.

I think about when I sold parts of my soul for the first time, it was regarding my top surgery and I simply asked Satan to "fix this shit or I can't live" and he did... and I still can't live. Do I regret it? I don't know. I literally have no idea how much fact I can put in my faith and what will happen to me when I die since I joined Satan. And I feel as though I can't tell people even why I'm a Satanist because that would involve outing myself. Even my religion has to do with my transsexualism. It all does, one way or another.

And I hate that it is that way. I just want... I don't know what I want, but to be free of it. To change my past and not have had to go through that. For it to not be such an important puzzle piece of my life. But it became that way and I guess if I really want someone to know why I chose the religion I chose, I just have to accept that somehow. And I've been thinking about coming out again and live openly, but the truth is that neither way is a good way to live for me.

With stealth comes secrecy and being put in a lot of awkward situations, but over all a freedom to be seen as who I am. With being open comes the constant feeling of never being "man enough" in people's eyes, of never really feeling accepted, but then I don't have to lie and get out of tricky situations. Both lifestyles or what to call them, come with pros and cons and I just can't decide which one is ultimately the best. Where I live, I've never really been in any danger for being out as transsexual, or well, I wasn't when I lived in Uppsala on the main land. Here, on Gotland, I've never been out.

There's just never been any reason to, except in psychiatric and other health care situations, that is. And I'm just so tired of all the ignorant questions and assumptions that clueless cis people have of me once they know. So, at the end of the day I think I sort of fear coming out for that reason. Not that I'm scared of ending up in any kind of danger. Besides, actual danger never usually scare me whatever it's about. So it's convenient this way, but also, I just know that if I would come out, there's no going back.

Cause then I could obviously not take back what I said if I would change my mind and regret it. But then, there is fear in it too. I'm sort of half scared of not being accepted. That people would just call me a freak and never want to talk to me again. People that I see as trustworthy, likable and even as friends. I guess that would sting more than getting showered in ignorant questions and assumptions.

It was easy in Uppsala as I didn't have much other choice than being out. Most of the people I knew knew me from before my transition. I had to tell dozens of people to change my name and pronouns and then it took years for them to learn. Rumours about me spread like wildfire, but I guess I didn't care so much about that. I let them tell others about me, I let the whole city know. I thought that was an easier way to live. And in a way it was.

I don't know if I just want that back somehow, but I know it can never be the same, because telling new people about my past is just not the same as telling old friends about my future. So yeah, that does leave me clueless in what option to take. If I do come out, there is no going back. I think it took a while for me to realise that, but now it hits me.

A single thought that I've been avoiding for a while now, almost 2 years, hits me again and all I can do is hope and wish I will never have to face it. Cause I literally have no idea what the fuck I would do if I one day have to. And I told three different people and no, I have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.

I have to go to bed soon, it's getting hard to focus. That thought is thankfully slipping away again and I keep closing my eyes automatically which could potentially be life threateningly dangerous since I'm holding a cigarette 30-ish centimeters above my garbage bin full of flammable paper tissues. If I close my eyes for too long, fall asleep and drop my cigarette, that is. So yeah, bed soon.

My keeper of pain

I've been coughing like crazy this night when I was asleep. I mean, it woke me up probably a dozen of times. I know that purging causes it, as well as my smoking and my always runny nose. So that's three solid reasons and I was choking. I'm now at my third cup of coffee for today since I got up around 7:00 and it's now 9:24. I feel something of a rush but I'm still tired. Not sleepy-tired, more like exhausted-tired.

I don't remember what I dreamed so I'm guessing it might not have been so bad. I do still sleep a lot better when I'm drinking compared to when I'm not, and I did drink last night. It just somehow seems to make my sleep deeper and more solid. I don't wake up as much. Well, if it hadn't been for the coughing, that is. I still have hours to go before I need to be at school and I think I can make it. I'm not fully rested and still exhausted but it's not tipping me over the edge yet.

I did get some rest this night and the evening/afternoon before that. Managed to stay awake until around midnight as well. I really am nervous about that Christmas lunch/dinner with school but I think it can turn out alright. Although... the weirdest thing is that the classmate I told about my ED actually suggested that I should go purge mid meal if I felt the need to. And now somehow that makes me feel like I have to do that, or else things will get difficult. Like, maybe she'd doubt that I have an ED or shower me in compliments about how good it was of me to not purge, afterwards.

Oh my god... I just saved this entry on my computer as the date of today and I just realised something. I said to myself "It's someone's birthday today..." and then it hit me. I remember who's birthday it is. My ex R's. He should be turning 26 years old now, if I remember correctly that we were born the same year. I think we were, and he was just months younger than me. Oh, how that bothered him when we were dating. Like "oh noes, my girlfriend is older than me" he used to complain. Yeah, I was his girlfriend at the time, as I didn't know any better yet.

The only thing that bothered me about our age gap was his constant complaints about it. It was just 8 months difference, in the "wrong" way. We weren't all that conventional as a couple, we were pretty equal in a lot of ways. Like, in some ways he was more feminine than me and the other way around. We shared almost everything, items, jewellery, chores, thoughts, feelings, money, sometimes even clothes. But that wasn't very easy, as we had very different styles of clothing and also very different sizes. He literally couldn't wear my clothes as they just didn't fit at all, but I sometimes wore his.

So now I'm back there again, thinking about my ex. I can only imagine it might be getting repetitive to read about him here by now. As I don't have much more memories to share, than those I have already shared. I can't let go of him, of what we had. It's been over 7 years since we split up, since I saw him for the last time. I just keep wondering if I'll ever see him again and what I would want to say to him. Would I tell him the good and leave the bad out for an upbeat conversation or would I tell him about both the good and the bad, to give him the reality of my truth?

I wish he would even want to talk to me. It's been 7 years, he might or might not be more healed by now. I did break his heart, but he also broke mine. I didn't move on, and I wonder if he did. I wonder where he's at. If he's dating again I really do hope he treats that person a lot better than he treated me. I never told him how much he hurt me and messed up my entire life, so how can he even know that he did something wrong?

I still don't hope for him to be miserable, or anything along those lines. I don't know what I hope, but maybe just that he's become wiser and less manipulative. That he's become a better person. I don't know if he ever could though. I do imagine him still being hurt, lonely but with a more stable life. That he might have his own apartment, or something similar to the home I have.

He did have a lot of difficulties similar to what I have, and a bunch of diagnoses, but I don't know for sure which of all the diagnoses he said he had that he actually had. I know asperger was for sure, and adhd or if it was add. The rest I don't know and I can't remember it either. Yeah, he spoke of narcissistic personality disorder and that's actually also rather likely that he had. But I doubt he had that one on paper.

But then again, don't I too speak of having diagnoses that I don't have on paper too? I have extreme trust issues with doctors/psychiatrists and when they tell me I don't have something I might not always believe them. Especially if I think they're just assuming and won't even take the time to run a diagnostic test on me. Like I'm pretty sure I have dysthymia, body dysmorphic disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, some kind of adhd and some kind of dissociative disorder. I don't really think I have schizophrenia anymore. It just doesn't fit, it never really seemed to fit, I was just trying to explain what I couldn't.

Like, I do, in periods, have a lot of symptoms of it, but never fully. I don't really get psychoses, and my delusions aren't that severe, if they even are delusions. I think so though. I've been searching for an answer for 14 years, on the question of who is Anna and why do I have her. I first thought of schizophrenia when I was 12, then found out about dissociative identity disorder when I was around 15, and I've been switching between believing I have one or the other of them ever since. Now I've scrapped the former, but do kinda think it has got to do with dissociation of some kind.

I've been searching endlessly, dived into books and articles online, online chat forums and dug through my past and present like with nothing else. I've been more than desperate to find out, more than keen to know. I know that someday I'll put my fears aside and straight out tell my shrink that I want to do the diagnostic tests for whatever is most reasonable to get to the core with my Anna issue once and for all. No, I don't want treatment, I just want to know, that's all.

I've lived with her in my head for over 17 years and I can't and won't let go of her. She's still my guardian angel, although a half evil one. She still does her job of protecting me from the worst bits of my past, she keeps those memories for me and from me. That's her main job, a guardian of memories, a keeper of pain. And she won't give away the key to those memories easily, but I know that someday she will. She knows I must know sooner or later. It's a part of my path, a part of my journey to... wherever the hell I'm going.

The answer is yes

Y, yes I'm still here. I know you can't, but you still matter to me, you still mean a lot to me. I think about you a lot but I don't always have the words either. I go through shorter periods of feeling too much or nothing at all. So I don't always know what to say and remain silent until I know, whichever state I'm in. But I still care even when I can't think of anything to say too. I know that's not always easy to take in, or to always trust. That's one the reasons I don't mind at all reminding you of my presence, my care for you and that I have no intention of leaving. I still hope and think you'll get through this, and I still want to support you as well as I can on your way. I just don't always know how, but I try. Watching over you from afar, yes, I'm still here.

Misery and dependency

First purge in over a month. Anna asks me how that feels and only one word comes to my mind: "Awful." Maybe I'll use that mechanism to deal with my inability to restrict, as a way to keep my calorie count down at least somewhat. And I keep switching between something like purging disorder and atypical anorexia. Guess that really does make me ednos.

Now I can't make my eyes and nose stop running and as soon as I try to take a deep breath I cough and every time I do I fear I will involuntarily vomit some more. It's almost priceless what a horrible thing that is to do to oneself. But I guess, I just don't have a bottom to sink to. It's all just trap doors and I just keep getting lower. During late 2010 I said for the last time the words "it can't get any worse than this" cause I swear not even two minutes passed before it actually got worse.

From then on I knew there is no bottom to get to. It's all just endless darkness. And I've been falling free from the age of... I don't even know. 15, 12, 9, 4, 0? How far back can I even count? So yeah, purging isn't really the lowest low for me, as there just isn't such a thing. There is no limit as to how badly I can harm myself, physically or emotionally. I drive myself insane, I do anything to drive myself out of it, and back in again.

I don't even know where I want to be, insane or sane. I guess I will never really know as they both scare me and I am beyond lost in the mix of the two. Yes, I'm striving for insanty just as much as I'm striving for sanity and I just can't make up my mind on where I want to be. Ethereal, otherworldly, out of this place. Something else, something else entirely.

And I ask myself how can my spark even live? If I keep driving myself in and out of insanity not knowing where I want to be, I'm wearing myself out and I do believe that in the end it will kill me. Definitely and for sure. Physically and in every single sense. Yet I cannot stop, I won't stop, I don't even want to. I don't think I'm searching for perfection or a middle ground, I think I'm just so completely lost.

Okay I just have to side track and say that I really hate it when a certain woman from the crew calls me. She's supposed to be my second contact person and I hate her. I despise most of them but this one is really getting on my nerves. Every time she calls she first asks me how I am and I say "fine" and then she asks if I've been to school which I mostly truthfully answer, then she asks again how I am to which I'm starting to get really testy. And more and more testy every time she does that.

She's just sooo damn distracted and doesn't care jack. And I'm getting snappier and snappier until I will literally just fucking snap at her. Give a damn or get out of my life, I want to yell at her. At first I could tolerate her, but sadly, the more I get to know her the more I just despise her. I never thought I could hate individual people, snap at them, yell at them and insult them like I do with the crew. They are beyond getting on my nerves and I just can't... I can't even... I don't have words.

I've never behaved that way around any other people in my life. I feel good lying to them, cause they don't deserve my truth. But I don't feel so good when I'm snapping, yelling and insulting. Then I just feel cornered, lost and helpless. I'm dependent on them. They fucking own me and I'm at their service. But I stopped caring, I stopped giving a damn about my apartment that I'm supposed to call my home. I stopped hoping for a better future and somehow... nothing matters anymore.

So, I don't even know why I keep being polite to them. I know they're just human beings trying to help completely helpless people like me, but come on. Half the time they're doing an awful job and the other half I'm doing an awful job in being cooperative. We just don't meet halfway, or anywhere at all. I'm so sick of it. Of being bound to their laws. Someday I will break free, live in a normal apartment again without having to abide to their laws. I'll probably ruin the damn place, but that' not the point. The point is, I don't care what happens to me. I'll always have roof over my head nonetheless. That safety I'll always have, for as long as my parents are alive at least.

I've just given up. On life, on ever feeling like home anywhere, so it doesn't matter where I am. I'm getting drunker now, three glasses in. I can't decide which of the two massive texts to post but I think I'll take them in chronological order, so this one comes last. Yeah, I'll post them both.

Love and will

I start missing K more intensively again. Don't interpret this the wrong way, but it's a bit like with my headache, how I talk about that "I have a headache today" which actually means "my headache is worse than usual" and it's the same with when I say "I miss K" cause then I actually mean "I miss K more than usual." Missing him is just as chronic as my headache is, just that sometimes, although not that often, I actually don't miss him, because then I am with him.

So I don't see it as something actually quite that chronic or at least not in a disease sort of sense. Although... sometimes loving him feels like having the plague. Absolutely nothing against him, but I do have something against my own feelings. They're just too wild, chaotic, burning and running loose. I wish I could control them somehow, like befriending a wild beast without actually taming it. Cause I don't want to tame my feelings, I just want to have some amount of control.

I don't know who of us will die first and it scares me. It sends my brain into overdrive when the loneliness hits me. I believe, I accept my fate as much as he accepts his, and I have nothing to say to him. A normal person might try to talk him into shit and what not, but I just can't do that. I've never tried to talk him into anything, cause I know. I fucking know because I'm in it too. Okay, our situations are far from the same, but there are definitely similarities when it comes to this. I guess... I'd somehow want for him to know that I'm scared, but that I don't want to push him in any direction. I want to walk by his side.

But I just can't find the words, not in the right language or beyond language. I fear his death a lot more than I fear my own, perhaps that's not so strange, but the fear is consuming me entirely. It snuffs out everything. I've never felt anything so paralysing as that specific fear. It led me to my first real panic attack ever, it's led me to complete numbness and a helplessness I cannot grasp. But no, if he doesn't want to be saved or helped, I won't. The same way that I think he wouldn't save or help me if I didn't want that.

But I love him so much, that he's the only person alive on the entire planet who's help I would accept. That I would want, and gladly take. No, I certainly do not demand it from him, I don't even wait for it to happen, I'm not expecting it to happen. It's just there, that knowledge. That he's the only one who could possibly "save" me because he's the only one I'd let. And I do write that in quotation because I don't believe people can really save each other, not when it comes to this, but let me phrase it this way instead: that if he'd offer his full support and help me go through what I would need to go through to get better, then I would gladly accept, but only if it's him.

No, not my mother, not my best friend, not anyone else. And no, I won't even dare ranking who I love the most of those three. They are my most loved people here on Earth. Those three. In that order. I could say that I love them equally much, but I'm not sure if that would be the truth. But, I think putting my best friend and K in the same rank as my mother surely does mean a lot, since I'm very close to my mother.

Anyhow, I try not to think about it too much. I can't and won't, entirely shut that fear of him dying before me, out. But I press it down just enough to be able to breathe. It's almost literally killing me from the inside when it hits me and I really can't cope then. I crash, and I crash very hard. Like I have never in my life before. But lately, I don't know, but I've sort of developed a strategy to be able to cope with it. I don't know how, but instead of crashing, I just shut off. I distract myself, try to think of something else, but inside I'm just empty, hollow.

So, you could say I've learned to live with that paralysing fear. And, from time to time, I wonder if his partner also get similar reactions when he's down. I hope they do, cause somehow, I don't want them loving him less than I do. But maybe, of course, we could work in different ways and still love him equally much or what the hell do I even know. I don't know. I don't know a shit. Just thinking about this, remembering where it brought me, feeling it, makes me start rocking myself automatically. I didn't even notice it until several seconds into it.

I don't crash as hard anymore, but it lingers. For days at an end I can't think about or feel anything else. It's just scraping me with its claws inside of me, but not causing any major wounds. Well, it does, but I just don't notice it in the same way anymore. My fears cripple me, sometimes more than I can handle, but this I've somehow learned how to cope with, on some level at least. Certainly not all the time, but most of the time.

Does it mean it hurts any less? No... but in a way, as awful as it may sound, I think I've gotten used to it. That it just is that way, a fear that I just have to live with. And I am, living with it, somehow. I don't know for sure, if this is a step in the right direction, or if I'm running away from that feeling. But I don't think I am, it doesn't feel like running, not when I actually allow that feeling to be there. I don't cut it away, or drink it away. I don't resort to anything, I just... I don't know exactly what I'm doing actually, but stay calm and breathe. Know that it's gonna hit me again and again and there's nothing I can do, but to deal with it.

And I think I am, in some way at least. I just know that I have to, for some reason. To be strong for him, perhaps. That's something I always want to be, but can only be in shorter times. I can't even be strong for myself, so yeah. But yeah, he's still more important to me than I am to myself. His life matters more than mine, to me. So somehow, I can be there for him even when I can't be there for myself. I reach out of my shell, somehow. Love and will stronger than self perseverance.

Wing clipped and cut down

I'm not entirely sure, still, exactly what type of demon I once was. I haven't done much research lately. But I'm still leaning to either goethic demon, watcher/observer or vampiric demon. I am confused about what diet I might possibly have had, since half I don't think I needed to eat at all, and half I'm pretty sure I was a carnivore or blood drinker. Cause as I still am having trouble understanding and accepting the whole concept of eating things, I do have a huge appetite for things with lots of protein in it, mainly meat.

I don't even understand why I seem to literally crave twice as much protein as I actually need. My "ideal" meals consist of about a half protein based food, a third vegetables and the rest carbs. Humans don't need that much protein, not even body builders. So all I can think is that I somehow have before been very used to eating a lot of meat. That's one of the reasons being vegan didn't really work for me. No matter how I twisted and turned it I could not satisfy my protein craving. And I mean, I ate and drank a whole lot of beans, soy, tofu and so on but it was literally never enough.

And blood... yeah, in periods I think it tastes good and can have a bit almost every day. Part of the reason why I cut myself before: free access to blood. I never consumed any substantial amounts, I mainly had it for the taste. And another weird thing is that when I eat like really bloody beefs I do get some weird kick out of it. Like I literally get high. Too bad those are damn expensive and I'm not really that good at cooking them properly, or I'd have at least one every single day. It's better than getting drunk, seriously. But it doesn't last very long.

I have even thought that I should just become a full fledged carnivore and stop eating carbs and vegetables, but I just don't think this human body would approve of that. That's just one of the things that are solid proof that my soul and or mind just isn't designed for my body. What I want, crave and need is not what my body wants, craves and needs. We clash and we clash hard.

So, that is one of the things I haven't quite figured out yet, what my strange eating habits may or may not have to do with my soul being demonic. But being a mythical creature, I think there's a lot of things that I just won't be able to explain with scientific reasoning. It's like... it's not so easy to find information about being demonkin on otherkin websites, or it hasn't been in the past.

Haha, I just remember I once wrote about otherkin as an English assignment for School, back in fall 2010. I don't think a single person in that classroom even remotely understood what I was talking about. It's like extremely complicated for me to talk about in Swedish cause none of those terms can be translated. The closest translation for the word otherkin I've found is "av en annan sort" which directly translates back to "of another kin/kind" and I know it's faulty.

I mean, I don't exactly understand everything about the concept of otherkin, but I know enough to know that's where I belong. I quite recently met another person on tumblr who was also otherkin and we discussed it a bit. They said that I seemed like a "newly awakened" otherkin and I was just like... eh, I awakened five years ago... That was a tad awkward. They often speak of awakening about the process of realising/understanding what/who you are among otherkins.

I'm just bored with researching different demon types when it's all just so much biased, opinionated bullshit when it comes to that specific species. I don't know, I know enough about humans views on demons and myself to be able to figure out that 1) their opinions mostly suck, 2) mythology isn't fact, 3) my own memories and feelings are valid despite that, and 4) I think the rest will come to with time. As I continue to unlock more memories, I also discover more about myself and who I was.

I wasn't really a "good" demon as such, but I wasn't downright evil either. I was chaos and darkness, did awful things and was a bit of a savage, but I was also a prophet, very wise, reaching out to people and capable of feeling love stronger than humans can even imagine. Such was I, at my full potential. I believe, that who I am now, with my personality and "difficulties" is who I've always been, but those difficulties didn't become sickness before I came here and tried to live as human.

What I'm trying to say is, yes I think I've always been this way (but a lot more) just that in this world I can not function with that. Here it is a hinder, there it was not. Here I can't take care of my messy apartment, there I could easily fix that by just waving my hand in a gesture. Here I'm having a hard time with being social cause I just don't belong here, there it was simpler cause I did belong. I felt at home, safe and on top of the world.

Yes, I'm still the same person, or at least so do I believe, but cut down. I've been dramatically wing clipped and cut down to fit into this human shell. Like Cinderella's step sisters cut their feet to fit into the glass slipper. Or, well that's one version of the story that I heard a bunch of years ago. A bit more macabre than the original fairy tale, I suppose. Anyhow, I do believe that I was at my full potential in Dala, I was so much me completely without inhibitions or restraints.

That's how I spell freedom. To be at my full potential again, to belong and feel at home. To just be me, in all its entirety, again. That's what I mean by being complete. Once I was, but I've been shattered, broken, cut down and somehow also became more. Cause yes, this life has surely brought me something as well. It's given me a whole lot of knowledge, and some wisdom that I don't think I had before. As far as I can remember, my knowledge about human beings was very limited, or just didn't exist at all, back in Dala.

I had no reason to know anything about humans, as Dala was a human-free zone, so to say. I sincerely doubt there was any humans there at all, or it just wouldn't have been such a perfect paradise. But I could be wrong, and I know that there's at least one particular human I'd like to bring with me there if I would get that option, but then I'm not always certain that person actually is as human as they think they are. I mean, it's quite possible that they were something else in a past life too. I've seen signs, I've been looking for signs.

Of course, it could be that I've been looking too damn hard for such signs there, but I still think it's a vague possibility at least. It also is a damn possibility that literally no one is originally human. Like, maybe we all come from someplace else and were something else originally, just that so few of us can remember it. I don't know, it's just a thought. But then some people are just so young souls that that thought is hard to put in practice, so to say. I mean, there are people who just seem to be so overly human and as if they've never been anything else.

I don't know that many such people personally, as I tend to both attract and be attracted to people with a little bit more depth. With more soul. Although, most people I know don't seem to be quite as ancient and aware of their pasts as I am of mine. That seems to be rare and I can't help but wonder why. It's nothing against them, just a wondering as to why it is that way. And maybe I do wish more people could have memories of past lives, that it would be easier to connect on some deeper level then. I mean, the human me... it's just a shell, something forced upon me. Something I have to be, like a job I have to do.

But then I do know people who remember past lives, just that they remember past lives as humans, like they were humans then too. So then I can't connect either. I just... feel like I need to get to know non-humans somehow. I'm not saying I would reject humans for non-humans, not in this world and not in any other, not after having lived among them for all this time. I don't hate humans.

Well, I despise the race, the species, but love and care for individuals. But you know that and there's no need for me to tell you that again. But I just feel as though... something is missing. And I can't even explain what it is. But I think what I'm actually doing, is looking for pieces of Dala here on Earth.

Memories and colours

My mind just keeps going places again. Takes me back in time to old memories that it wants to change. My former contact person at the eating disorder unit whom I saw from roughly a year ago until this summer and half couldn't stand. How she at one point pressured me to talk about K, way too private things she had no business in knowing at all.

She was just too curious and pushed me into saying more than I was comfortable with. I didn't answer what she repeatedly asked me, what she ultimately wanted to know about him. It was just an awful experience and how did she have the guts to even go that far?

There's just something wrong with her and I avoid her now. No one says I have to see her and I did choose my shrink instead of her. Loud and clear, she knows to stay away. I never told her why I can't stand her half the time. But her persistent curiosity... it's something wrong and unprofessional about it. Like, she doesn't seem to know anything about personal space, or that I'm even allowed to have that. Sadly, I think she only took my case cause I'm an interesting person and she wanted my secrets.

No, it doesn't have to have been that way but it certainly is a possibility. And I can't let it go, I can't let go of my memories of our sessions, our meetings at her office. She asked me very personal questions about K, she asked me very personal questions about myself. And I think that if I had kept seeing her, hiding my eating disorder relapse would have been impossible. She would have much likely noticed my weight loss and commented on it. She would have asked a million questions that would have been hard for me to answer without telling the truth.

I just don't want the psychiatry to poke in my eating habits ever again. It has become something half private, a secret to some. Now my mother knows, but she also knows I don't want to get better and so far she hasn't been pushing me in that direction. I'm thankful for that. Like I just want to be able to discuss it with her without her pushing me to recovery when it's the last thing I want. So yeah. And facebook and of course tumblr knows too. So, ultimately, the only ones who doesn't know are my school, the crew and the psychiatry. And let's keep it that way.

Aha, my hair is finally getting dry again. I've been fixing with it since 19:00 o'clock and finally it's getting done. It's almost 23:30... And it's not even a drastic change, I just flipped it to my left side, shaved my right sidecut that had grown out quite a bit, and bleached the roots to my blonde fringe. Oh, and washed the whole shit. That somehow took me over 4 hours. Cause I had to wait for it to dry all the time. I'll post a picture soon enough. But then I also dyed and trimmed both my beard and eyebrows as well, so that's included in that time.

I can't make my brain work much today, and I just broke my fast. But just having that one meal today and I can at least say that I've been restricting. To something around 300-400 calories. Oh sigh, let's try again tomorrow, shall we? Still have two days ahead of me when I can fast. Alright, I give up for today. It's 1:30 and I should probably go to bed. If I can even remotely fall asleep after all this coffee, that is. My face looks too damn awful tonight so I won't take a picture of it for a hair update. Wait until tomorrow when I can put on some make-up or something. Cause it's too damn late for make-up right now.

I'm just red and swollen and my acne is just hideous. Like, my forehead and my nose look good but the rest is just blotches in all shades of red. So, I'll smack on some foundation before taking a few pictures tomorrow. Maybe get creative with eye make-up too if I find the energy. But at least I'm happy with how my hair turned out. Even though I feel like my face looks like utter shit. Can't have everything, right?

I'm getting hungry again but can't have more coffee now. It's soon 2:00 am and I should sleep. But I'm not even remotely tired yet. Maybe just a little then. I've been listening to the same song on repeat for days now, "Smaller" by Ashbury Heights. Apparently it's a Swedish music group, and they soothe my exhausted soul. I don't even know how but I think blue somehow became my favourite colour after black and silver. But not all shades of blue, just certain ones. Pure blues and blues with hints of green. Medium to dark, preferably. Like cobalt, petrol and cyan.

I don't know if it really is that way, but if it is I switched from red to blue and like even how? They're not even similar to each other, those two colours. But how come I didn't even notice when I changed favourite colour? Seems like something I should have noticed, but I don't even know when that could have possibly happened. Like maybe last time I dyed my hair red, a few months ago and could only stand having that hair colour a couple of weeks or so, I should have realised.

Black still rules my world though, and silver comes in as close second. Also I like white, but only as a detail colour. But snow white hair really does look stunning to me. If it suits the person having it. Maybe that's only cause I remember Caspian had snow white/silvery hair back in Dala. He just looked like a cold, bright light, shining up my world without erasing my darkness.

I do want to have colourful hair again but I don't even know which one if I could. My hair couldn't handle it at all. But if I could dream? Nah, I don't think I really want colourful hair, not now at least. But I have been sort of wanting it half black, half white again, but in a mohawk. But that's not gonna happen. Instead I have a black/brown weird ass hairstyle with a blonde fringe and an uneven sidecut. But I'm not really complaining right now, I think it looks alright.

For someone who hasn't been to a hair salon for over a year (I can't even remember the last time, but probably summer 2014) I think my hair looks pretty decent. Now I just need it to get longer, thicker and to stop breaking. Then I think I'll bleach it again, but only if I've abstained from dyeing it. I think it would only take 1 or 2 rounds of bleaching my natural brown hair to get it light blonde (doesn't have to be white, platinum blonde would be light enough) and have it like that for as long as I can but stop bleaching before it gets too damaged again. Then I really don't know what I would do with it but by then it would be years from now.

I need to stop obsessing about my hair. But it's just been so much out of my control and it's felt like I haven't been able to do anything at all with it except giving it time to grow out. Alright I need to stop for now, hopefully I'll have something more exciting to write about tomorrow. I don't know, don't hope too hard.

Shifting between topics

I could quite possibly call myself bi-gender, but not male and female. Instead it's male and something else that I can't quite explain. Of course, the easy way would be to just say that I'm simply male, but I'm trying to understand myself better. I'm intrigued by what that mysterious gender could possibly be, and also I can't help but wondering if that too is something I brought with me from a previous life.

I always kinda thought I was undoubtedly male in my past lives, but now I'm not entirely sure anymore. I still have so much to figure out... like half the time I feel I still have more questions than answers.

And I feel I should really try to chill now. Cause yeah, he's talking to me, but I just feel so... unwanted, annoying and persistent. K of course, who else would I be talking about? I feel like I'm getting too clingy again but I just can't stop myself. Like I want to tell him this and that and just be a part of his life somehow. I'm just... I keep showering him with care and compliments as if he was single and we were dating or something. I don't know what's wrong with me.

What I mean is, mostly on facebook but also a bit on tumblr I think, as soon as he says something I'm just right there with no remorse or inhibition, saying whatever's on my mind. I feel as though I'm just too damn much right now. For anyone to handle. I doubt it really is that way, but I feel like I'm just everywhere at once and constantly in people's faces. Not just K. I don't know. But I try to see it as, that I'm just caring and wanting to be a little social can't be all that bad. I mean it's not like I'm actually forcing anyone to hang out with me if they're not up for it. Urgh, I don't even know what's going on.

I don't understand my body. I was hungry so I made some food but as soon as I started eating it all I felt is just... full? I can't get down a single bite. What a waste of food, but I really thought I was hungry. I crashed on the couch a few hours ago and woke up again about an hour or so ago, so had to start over with my drunkenness.

I know I'm hoping for a miracle and it just can't keep me alive. I told my shrink, when she asked me what we should do to keep me alive by the spring, that I didn't want to be kept alive. Not everyone who is suicidal wants to be saved. Why is that so hard to understand? It's literally the opposite to what I want. Like, if someone would help me die I would appreciate it. I would welcome it like a gift.

Maybe that's why I can't be against murder, cause half secretly I've been looking for my murderer half my life. Someone who could do it for me. Maybe that, would be the easy way out. If there even is such a thing. But to completely succumb to someone killing me? I don't know, but I'm guessing that would require some amount of courage too. I just never knew where to look. My neighbourhood and friend circles were always, despite everything, too damn safe. I've been looking for danger at least since I was about 13, but didn't find it until I was 17.

I'm just shifting between topics all the time today. Sorry if it's confusing. I feel like putting on a shit ton of make-up but I have no reason to. Feel pretty in my loneliness until I crash drunk as fuck in my own bed? I can't think of anything sadder, to be honest. It's Friday night and I still can't stop thinking I should be out partying. But there are no parties here. There's never been and there never will be.

Okay I really didn't think I'd be laughing at someone making rape jokes in world of warcraft. But they were just... probably a lost teen not even half as drunk as me. I'm serious, someone in that game said they were gonna rape me and I just lolled my way through it. First they wanted gold but they were on another realm so I couldn't give any (as if I would give them any substantial amount) and then we just ran around the spot chasing each other and just... I don't even know. I probably should report them but who gives a damn.

Ahaha, I wonder if they even had the slightest clue that I was playing a male character. Cause I was in druid shapeshift (cat) form and those look the same for both males and females. Cause usually those kind of players are males playing male characters wanting to some kind of twisted ERP (erotic role play) with female characters. I know that type. I've been playing that damn game for over 7 years and of course I've ended up in ERP a few times. Okay, just once or twice, but still. It's not even allowed.

Cause that game is for people from the age of 12 and I'm guessing that's why it's not allowed. Gah, where are my feelings? I can't drink them forth tonight. I'm still empty, drunk and empty. What a horrible way to be. I miss company but no one seems to be online. Well, no one I'd like to talk to. And no one who'd like to talk to me. I guess I'll crash in my bed soon, too damn bored with this.

Two beasts in a cage

And it might just be the saddest thing ever but sometimes I like being cold cause the shivers is the only thing that makes me feel alive. And I meant to post this text yesterday but never got around to it, so I'm posting it now instead.

Like okay, I just randomly called Anna "a fucking cow" and I don't think I've used that specific insult at her before. She was mocking my anger and it tipped me over the edge. Nothing out of the ordinary. She does that all the time, I do that all the time.

We hate each other as much as we love each other, it's a relationship that's really hard to explain. We have so much shit in our past, that if she had been a real person, never seeing each other again would have been a great idea. I mean... I can't even tell this blog what's she's done to me, or what I've done to her. Yeah okay I can tell you what I've done to her, cause that's nothing. I've threatened her, insulted her, screamed at her and called her every horrible thing I could ever think of twenty times a day.

At our worst we yelled at each other 24/7 for about a month or two, I can't remember exactly. That was back in 2011 right before we swore our truce. No more fighting, we said, gasping after air after endless fights. I still can't ever forgive her for what she did to me. It's something I don't think most people could understand, and possibly no one alive could relate to.

But Y, I think you could figure it out. I'll give you hints. She can control our body. Not much and very seldom, but sometimes she just takes over and I can't do anything, for about 10-20 minutes before she's completely drained of energy. What can she possibly do, if she has full control for that amount of time and she knows exactly which my weakest points are cause she knows me better than anyone?

Yeah. That's like the one trauma I can't ever tell my shrink about. What would she think? It's just... I don't know. Such things should not even be possible. I don't even know. Maybe, that some people with dissociative identity disorder may have gone through something similar. Cause that's what I mean by her taking over my body, we switch places. In those states, I'm like a voice in her head. I can't speak, I can't move. She's talking and moving our body as if it was her body. It's only happened two or three times in my entire life.

I've let her once, like I on purpose gave her the opportunity. It's silly perhaps but I was looking for something in my apartment here and I couldn't find it. Then she said she might know where it is and I asked her to find it for me. Then she couldn't find it, but that's not the point, and I don't remember what it was we were looking for. But then I got to know her a bit better. I saw how different her body language was compared to mine, how her voice cracked as she was speaking in a higher pitch that my throat was not used to. Not for many years now.

She's so different from me I sometimes can't believe we once used to be the same person. I would hesitate to say this, but I think she's darker than I am, more evil. Cause she's done things similar to what I've done but for completely different reasons. What she did to me... it was beyond what I could even begin to understand. She did it to hurt me, to control me and because she's a lunatic. I wouldn't want her roaming free in this world, as her own person and with her own body. I'd probably make sure she stays far away from everyone I love.

Still I don't want to get rid of her and I can't understand why. She's a monster, but also easily misunderstood. She sees it as that she's trapped inside me and she's desperately trying to claw her way out. And, it's gotten way out of hand at times. So far out of hand that... I'm lacking words. What have I ever done to her? Sometimes she's blaming me for being trapped inside my mess of a mind but it's just not my fault.

Blame those who assaulted me when I was 9, blame God, blame anyone but me, I tell her. I'm just here, trying to make the best of the situation and she should know, that I'm just as trapped as she is. Our wars weren't always quite that dark, quite that awful. But every 5th or so year, we've gone through periods of making each other's lives as horrible as possible for no other reason than that we're two beasts trapped in the same cage ripping apart each other's guts.

Our wars haven't always been so extreme, but I can only remember two. The first one, and that one back in 2011. The first one was when I realised two things: 1, she wasn't real and 2, she wasn't leaving. I was about 11-12-13 years old by then and she had been around since I was 9. And I look back at the horribly miserable child I was and have no comfort to give him. Did it get better? No. Did she ever go away? No. Should that young me, suicidal for the first time, had killed himself right then and there? Oh my fucking god yes!

I'm sorry, I'm regretting half my life again because of a persistent voice in my head. That I don't want to get rid of. Maybe I don't wish I had killed myself before my teens because of Anna, but because of everything including her. Far too many times she's been my reason for suicide. To break open the cage that is our mind, break free once and for all. To be rid of her, or to fuse us back together as one person again. I just know it's not gonna happen for as long as we're still alive. Mostly, these days, I can handle it though. As long as we keep up our truce but lately it's been crumbling, so I really don't know. Another war could happen at any time from now. And I wouldn't know how to cope.

I know you're with me, I'm with you too

Y, I will remember that you're here, no matter what. I know you wouldn't just leave me, not for anything but perhaps very good reasons. And I'm not giving you any such. If I have been too forceful, been wanting and needing to talk to you too much, I do apologise. But I think it's positive though, I know you may not feel it right now, but I do think we got some kind of spark between us now. I'll hold on to that, even in your absence.

Of all the shit I've gone through and experienced, I feel the need to say that depression was never really one of them. I only know as much about it, but in a way, I think I do understand you. Or I want to and maybe on some level that is something? I don't expect you to inform me, no not at all, (I can inform myself if not else), just know that I don't know all the shades of darkness, but I do still try my best to understand. I've only had mild depression in periods, and I may or may not have dysthymia.

However, I am still by your side no matter how deep down you are, and I want you to know that. I might still be missing your company, but I don't want you to think I'm demanding anything of you. I can for sure be selfish sometimes, I think you know that too, but I'm not only selfish, if that makes any sense?

Also, just seeing that you like my posts on tumblr is indeed a comfort for me. That might not seem much to you, but it does warm me and is enough of a reminder that you're there, even though I technically don't often need reminders. Sometimes I do though, and I'm glad for every single one I get.

I hope you survive your depression, I really do. But no matter what, I want to be there with you too, if you want me to. I don't mean that it has to be direct and talking, it could just as well be indirect too. I'll keep writing to you even if I don't get much replies, cause I think I still have things I want you to know, and sometimes I just want to tell you this and that for not much of a specific reason. I see it as I'm simply including you in my life as much as I can. Just sharing things with you, even if you don't respond with as much, still means something to me, and I know it means something for you too.

Always doing my best to be your support, these days I really do. Because it doesn't at all feel like it's something I just "should" do because that would be what a decent friend does, no, but because I want to, need to and just can't stop doing. I care about you, more than I could truthfully say that I did before, back this summer, spring and before. But yes, I know you have to let it consume you, I would have done exactly the same.

You know we share the same knowledge when it comes to that, to be consumed by our darknesses... it's the only way to conquer them. And I know you will, eventually. I don't know how long it will take, I have no idea when it comes to time, but I know you'll come out even stronger, wiser and braver. You have it in you. You might not believe it yourself, but I do. I really do.

Putting myself aside for a while, you're still in my mind and heart.

Shattered dreams

It was 1,5 years ago I last stood on that balcony but it's what I remember most about my visits to Uppsala. It was where I smoked, most of the time. One of the reasons I don't want to go there winter time, smoking on that cold balcony. And it will almost have been 2 years when I go there next time. I remember when I lived in Uppsala and would visit my family on Gotland about 6-7 times a year. These days I'm not visiting anyone that often. I had this idea that back then, when I had moved the visits would be reversed, that I'd see my friends in Uppsala 6-7 times a year. I guess that's another shattered dream.

And I'm scared as hell that I'll enter another binge cycle and eat my way back up to 63 kg again. I need to lose, not gain, why can't my stupid body just get that? I don't know what happened, why it was so easy to lose from 80 kg to 60 and then it just got so fucking hard, I just can't do it. Please stay, you fucked up eating disorder, don't leave me!

And I don't know which of us is more fucked up than the other. My eating disorder that is trying to leave me, or me, begging it to stay no matter what it takes. Just get me back into starvation, I still want anorexia. But I still don't think I'll ever get there. With my impatience, I starve too hard and too desperately when I can and eat too much and too obsessively when I can't starve. It's just a never ending cycle and I feel as though I'm getting nowhere. I feel that's the reality of ednos, just losing and gaining and losing and gaining until your body can't take it anymore.

That is, if I don't "get help" again. Which I have no intention of getting. I'd rather be stuck in that fucking cycle than live with ED thoughts for the rest of my life and still eating normally. I'm not a quitter and I'm not giving up my disastrous eating disorder. I'm gonna get back into starvation, just fucking watch me.

And I'm still bothered by it but I can't say what it is. I worry too much about what other people think, I really do. I wish I didn't though. And I wonder would anyone else act the same way I do if they were in my situation? If maybe I'm just painfully lonely but I really do know it's not quite that way, not quite that bad. But I just can't be with the one I love and it's still tearing me to pieces.

I just keep telling myself he wants me as a friend at least but sometimes I'm not that sure of that either. And I remember he once told me I'm one of his best friends but I think things have changed since then and in my head I keep thinking what have I done? It keeps echoing in my head that I wasn't even in his top 9 quite recently and it just hurt like hell.

Maybe I'm just too far away, too complicated and wanting too damn much. More than he could ever give me. I just feel unwanted in every single way and it just makes me want to die even more. How much more could I want to die?

The concept of soulmates is confusing to me. I've always had one, but never been more alone. I've had at least one. Cause there's Caspian of course, and also my best friend and I have always thought of each other as some kind of soulmates too. Such friends really don't grow on trees, you know. We've known each other since daycare/pre-school and became best friends when we were 12, which is 14 years ago. And then of course I can't help but thinking/feeling that K is sort of a soulmate for me as well, but I'm not his.

But no matter how or who I view as a soulmate I'm still painfully alone. I still don't have anyone to hold. There are right people but they're just not here. And I find myself automatically resisting what I feel right now, without really wanting to. I just don't have any more words to describe it and there's a silent war inside of me and I'm not on either side.

I just step aside and let that fight go on cause what else am I supposed to do? I'm hoping my feelings can kill me before I do. I can't just sit here. There's a war inside me and I'm not even participating, what the fuck? Just stop fighting damn it. I don't care who wins, I really don't. It's racing my heart and giving me more headache.

So I crashed on the couch cause it was making me extremely tired. Now I don't even know what went on, but I guess emptiness won. That happens a lot lately, or it feels like it does. And I'm just so tired all the time. I just fall asleep before anything gets the chance to kill me. I don't try to escape with sleep, sleep escapes with me.

Finding the space

Please talk to me K, we could talk about anything, anything just please talk to me. I miss you beyond reason. I see you coming online on skype a bit like every day, but you never talk to me and I don't know if I should initiate contact or not. I'm just too much right now. Too much or too little there's no in between. But it was weeks ago you told me to stay away and then we did talk a little on facebook after that so I'm thinking maybe you wouldn't be pissed if I said hello? Maybe I could take it as well if you would get pissed, I'd just tell you I'm sorry for bothering you and that I just missed you that's all.

I don't know how to reach out to you. Or how to stay away when I need you so much. When I ache and bleed for you. I know you don't want me mentally bleeding all over but I just can't stop it. It's not in my control. Apparently according to skype last time we talked there was May 22nd. That's a while ago.

Anna: Stop flirting.
Me: Nope.

I know he's taken, but I just can't simply stop that. I mean, like telling him how awesome he is, or how awesome some aspect of him is. I just want him to know, without telling him directly. Me out loud: "And I'm fucking drunk, and I say shit, that I probably shouldn't." Not that anyone can hear me, but still. And maybe they shouldn't, I don't know.

I deliberately search for imperfections in him, you know. Or maybe you don't but I'm telling you now. I search for what I would not deem as perfect or even likable traits, but still can't help but loving everything. Like... how I just love it whenever he posts a drunken picture of himself that he doesn't feel he looks good in and I just... gasp. At how real it it is and somehow it makes me feel closer to him somehow.

And traits of his personality too, things I would never ever announce, not here, not anywhere, it's simply between me and him. But somehow... I don't know. I just want to get to know the real him, the parts he hides. I believes he has good reasons to, and I'd never force him to tell me anything, but I don't know, I'm just curious.

I can only drink one more glass now, and it's like... I just want more. Should have bought more vodka but it's just Tuesday and I'm already slowly losing my ability to write. I've still kept his picture as a screen saver on my cell phone for 2,5 years although it's been different pictures of him. I think though, that I've found the right one now. With a slight, genuine smile, or so I believe. I can see sadness in his eyes even when he's smiling, on still pictures too, and I don't know, but a genuine smile of his always warms my heart. Cause I see them so seldom.

I'm starting to yawn, will probably crash soon. Or not, cause I'm trying to install something and it just won't work cause I don't have enough disc space and the anger over it is making me freak out. What the fuck am I supposed to do, just delete everything I can never download again? I guess I'll assess this problem again tomorrow, buy a bunch of memory discs or whatever they're called and put everything on them. Just gotta make this work somehow. Just fucking gotta.

I just don't have much disc space to begin with and it's just... I don't know what to do. I do have an external hard-drive but I don't have the wires to connect it to my computer. So it's just standing there, collecting dust.

Why can't I stop thinking about it? Damn it hurts more than it feels good to think about. It hurts so much more cause most likely it's never gonna happen. I wish I wasn't so obsessed, I wish I could let go a little, but I don't want to love him any less.

Starting mid sentence

And Y, if you ever do feel up for it sometime again soon, or not soon, like whenever, I do want to chat with you again. It really was a lot to take in last time, but I don't mean that in a negative way. I miss you, but I do want you to take the time you need to get yourself back into something more like yourself again. Just wanted you to know that I do miss you and would like to chat again when you feel up for it. It doesn't have to include webcam but that would be nice too. No demands at all, just like to throw this out there.

And it might be that I'm a little bit drunk right now that some feelings come out that I'm not as aware of when I'm sober, but I missed you when I was sober too, so I do see that as a genuine feeling, or what to say. I'm always starting mid sentence right now and don't really know where I'm at. Just drifting left to right without much direction but my thoughts and feelings somehow led me to you.

Perhaps it's not that unusual these days and I feel as though maybe I have reached a point where I feel I can be myself so much more around you. I don't even know why I didn't feel I could before, as I told you, but I don't know if you remember. I remember though, that I told you I can't understand why I lied and tried to deceive you before cause I really had no reason to. But now, I think my reasons were that I was scared of things I had no reason to be scared of.

Ironically, I lied cause I was scared of hurting you. And also I just seem to resort to lies when I get into what I deem as tricky situations. Like when I feel as though I should agree when I really don't and I just find myself saying that I agree anyway. Cause it's easier than having to deal with any kind of conflict. Yes, I suddenly realise, that conflict is something I'm awfully scared of. I avoid conflict and have for as long as I can remember by any means possible.

I don't know for sure why I'm so scared of it that I hurt people half on purpose to avoid it, but ever since I was a young child I've always gotten very scared whenever someone got angry with me. I guess, I just can't in any single way risk people getting mad at me. But I'm letting it go, that too, cause why should I even be so scared of that? It doesn't make much sense to me.

I also remember you told me you wouldn't want to be loved the way I'm obsessively in love with K, and all I can think of is, that neither of us has much choice when it comes to that. I didn't choose to be obsessively in love love with K, it just happened and to be honest, I don't want it to be that way at all. I'd like to love with reason, love in a sensible way that isn't an all consuming fire that never stops burning everything in sight. I might even get obsessed with you that way one day, I can never know to which depths my heart will take me.

All I know is the past and the now and all I can do is making the best or the worst I can of the situation I'm in. And right now, I'm pretty damn close to clueless. But I wanted to tell you this, knowing it might not be the right place for it, please tell me if I say too much on an all too public forum. I just can't know for sure what was intended to be kept in private or not. I try to just go with my feeling and if it's way too inclusive I ask.

This time it's borderline and I'm not afraid of you possibly getting mad at me, as I felt this was important to say, although I do keep it in mind that you might one day, no matter what it's about. Perhaps, your darkness doesn't scare me cause I somehow know it won't hurt me in ways I can't accept. I don't know if that's the right words, they feel half wrong but I can't find any better ones. I'll try though, cause I do want to be understood. That, whoever you are, you're my guide and you'll help me towards and along the path I'm meant to be on. I accept that wherever I'm going, it will be right for me.

And I do want you as my shadow and by my side wherever the hell I'm going. If it's towards literal death or towards another type of death that can't exactly be explained. I did take your message in that way, that you might have meant literal death but also you could not. I don't know exactly where I'm heading, it could be either. I know you know that too. Every minute of our lives, we could die or be reborn.

This following spring is the greatest mystery of my life, yet I know so much about it. And I do feel, that whatever happens, it will affect you too. Greatly. And I want to grab your hand, and tell you that I'll be by your side too whatever happens. I stay alert, keep my senses vivid and dive whenever I need to. And I know that sometimes dulling my senses also helps. Things really aren't black and white in my world, if they are in anyone's world.

Of course though, a part of me still fears what's gonna happen. Cause I think it will surprise me a lot and in ways I can't possibly expect or prepare myself for. But mostly I'm just curious, I ache for it, I'm willing to dive deeper than ever before, completely without any sort of lifeline. But in a way, you could be my lifeline. Not in the most literal sense, and not really in a figurative sense either. I don't know how to explain it other than that with you, I don't feel entirely alone.

Maybe in a sense, we somehow dive together? Not all the time and maybe not even in the same place, but in some sense? My thoughts are all over the place suddenly and I don't know what more to say to you, but I believe I've said a few things at least, that could be of importance. I'm not afraid of taking you with me into my darkness, and I'm not afraid of you taking me into your darkness either, I want to see it, to know it, be a part of it.