It is what it is

I seem to have misplaced something in a dream. I can't find my fan, those smaller ones you can put on a table. I remember seeing it, recognising it and thinking "aha! there it is!" but I have no idea where it is when I need it. So my suspicion is that I found it in a dream, thinking I knew where it was, but then I can't find it when I'm awake. Yet the dream keeps telling me where it is, but I still can't find it in reality. Perhaps if I keep dreaming about it it will eventually show up.

I'm haunted by my past again. That past that happened before I was born, which is deep-rooted in my heart and soul. I don't know how I feel about it today though. It's only vague, lingering, shallow. I don't know if I want to know, cause I have a sensation those feelings aren't all that positive. Well, they usually aren't. It strikes me though, that how I've been trying so hard to find someplace where I belong, when I really never had to. Cause I know where I belong, it just that I can't reach that place anymore. I'm lightyears far from home, but I do have a home. And isn't it better that way, than to not have any place at all to call home?

I have memories of a beautiful place where I was beyond happy, and yet I sit here and whine about how awful this world is. That is the reason of course, but shouldn't I be able to turn it the other way around, to something positive? Like say, how many people have felt so complete and happy at all? Maybe it's time I realise just how wonderful that is, to have experienced that. I will probably never be able to fully move on and appreciate this world, but maybe I can find a way to cherish those memories and feelings, and keep them as a comfort. Instead of clinging to them as my main reason to wanna die, I mean.

Cause I'll get there one day, today I'm sure of it. That I won't have to throw this life away on a whim just because I'm tired of this horribly aching homesickness. I mean if this life is a prison, there's a chance on parole, right? I've never had any real reasons to doubt that my Dala is lost forever, rather the opposite. I have felt it in my gut, seen it my dreams and even been told from higher powers that I will be able to go home once I'm done with my journey.

I have every reason to believe, but still I always fear the worst. And what would the worst be in this case? Coming back here, as a human. This is my idea of a Hell, but it's merely my perception. The same with Dala being my idea of Heaven. But what really makes this world, this life, so awful? There are only three things here that aren't awful, but are wonderful, a blessing. That is my creativity, my family, and my closest friends. You know who you are! Without you I wouldn't be here today, but you already knew that, since I'm barely here even with you.

It's everything else... the things I've been through, the mental torment, being victimised, not being able to live an independent life, always having to rely on others to survive when I hate the human society, ethics, laws, money, eating, drinking, sleeping, dreaming, hygiene, going to the bathroom, having to take medicine in loads just to cope, always being in pain, my brain torturing me day and night, politics, prejudice, values, critisism, bullies, addictions, population, animal cruelty, species extinction, weather/climates, this dull dirty industrial world... Did I leave something out? Poverty, stupidity, close-mindedness, fanatics, homophobia, transphobia, the education system, the employment market and having to work for money, traffic, work-/school hours, the health care system, obligations... I can go on forever.

So you see it's not just that my life is crappy, I find this whole world rather crappy. Sure it's very much my attitude though, which is hard to change because I have Dala to compare with. It's a blessing and it's a curse. I may never be able to love life, but it would be neat if I could just hate it a little less. Perhaps I can't accept this life for what it is.