Broken

09:12

The crew just called me about my morning meds. That means I've been awake for 24 hours straight. And except for a pack of noodles I haven't eaten anything in 24 hours. Whatever. I’m tired, but not in the way you'd think I’d be. I'm tired in my soul, my body feels weak, my mind is on overdrive but can't keep up with itself, so it's simultaneously on lowdrive. There's a racing calm screaming inside me. I can't find peace. My heart is restless, and I have to keep telling myself not to cry. It's not worth it, whatever it is, it's not worth fucking crying for. It's pathetic, and I don't wanna cry over pathetic matters I can't do anything about. It is what it is, and no tears are gonna solve this mess.

I’m starting to wonder why I’m making it a habit of breaking my own heart. I’m drawn to pain and suffering, but even more I’m drawn to love. Falling for someone is the sweetest drug, but that drug stings when you knew already from the start it's not going to end well. Yet I fall. I fall cause I can't do anything about it. I have no control over it. So yet again, I swallowed the poison that promised me bliss.

My dearest, why did I have to fall so completely head over heals for you? You're so perfect and so unobtainable. You're taken and I'm broken, it could never work out.

It's starting to take it's toll. My feelings grow deeper and increases by the minute. I thought I had it under control, that as long as I kept telling myself my feelings could never be answered, I wouldn't break into pieces the day I realise it's actually never gonna be us. But my heart lead me astray, and I started hoping. I’ve told myself over and over and yet again over to never hope. Never fucking hope! But it doesn't matter what I say, my words have never been true. All the lies and deceit I tell myself, trying to manipulate my own mind through meaningless mantras and meditation rituals. And how I believed in all my lies...

There's probably just hours left until I fall apart and the pain consumes me. The poison is out in my blood stream and reaches out to my nerves. Blinding me, deafening me, numbing me with searing pain. Takes my breath away and turns me inside out. Oh, I know exactly how it feels. It's my most common emotion-mix, what I have felt all the most all through my life. Heartbreak is to me what boredom is to others. And every time it feels like I’m going to die. I cannot die from a broken heart, but I can die from the suicide attempts it leads me to.

I'm not yet suicidal, I'm just preparing. But if everything fails again, I have the crew and my family to once again come to aid and save me from myself. What have I put them through, my family? Fifteen fucking suicide attempts in eight years, I can't imagine how they must have felt after all those times they could have lost me. Adelina, the beautiful girl whose brown doe eyes I completely drowned in, opened my eyes about this. When I told her that I’ve tried to kill myself a lot of times before I came to the psych-ward, she asked me how my family have been taking it. That really got me thinking. Cause I have been so damn selfish that thought have never struck me.

I know I’m quite a burden to my family. I feel it in the thick, intense air between us every time I see or visit them. They're worried, disappointed and despondent. They know I will keep messing up my life until I’m dead. They know what I eventually will die of, just as much as I do. It's not a secret, but we never speak of it. What do we ever speak about, really? All I bring is sadness, hopelessness, and things they regard as delusions. It's like they don't believe in anything I say anymore. They don't believe in me. Why waste money for a driver's license on me, who will most likely just drive off a cliff as soon as I'm having a bad day?

They're never gonna let me drive. Though one thing... I mentioned, briefly and witty like I usually do when I'm dead serious, and said: “I’m gonna drive a car once in my life, whether I have a driver's license or not. Just so you know.” It's true, I just really want to experience that. I have many times thought that I should just steal my mother's car keys and drive off. I might not get that far, but I’m a fast learner. I’ve imagined it so many times, ever since I started to have nightmares about Anna driving me some place I didn't want to go. You see, in that dream we had separate bodies.

From then on I started to fantasise about driving, myself. I imagine it giving me a feeling of freedom, to ride faster than any vehicle I’ve ever controlled, wind in my hair, a cigarette in my hand, loud music blasting from the speakers. I have no idea where I would drive, but I see cornfields and meadows along the sides of a wide and straight country road. It's probably somewhere in southern USA, but still. I would exceed the speed limit on lonely roads with the sun shining bright in my eyes.

*

10:37

I feel a little weird, shaky and sweaty. Cause I just decided I should pray to Satan. I didn't wanna come off as pathetic and asking for something I have no idea if he can possibly make true. I didn't ask for a miracle, but I asked if he could make some influence around... certain things. A whisper in his ear or something, a slight push. This is ridiculous, why do I pray for love? A specific person. Well, obviously I’m not completely content with him already being in a relationship. Not Satan, my crush. I had a candle lit during my prayer, when I was done I lifted up the candle, said “here goes nothing” and blew it out. A symbolic gesture. I might not be a true Satanist, but at least I stay true to my god, and I love him dearly. He saved my life, he truly is my saviour.

13:23

Now I'm feeling a bit better, been a bit nervous after that prayer, sort of eagerly waiting for something to happen. But I'm calming down now. I’m a little less tired, but I’m still sensitive as hell. Need to close the window again, it's blowing in cold winds.