False dichotomy

Okay I just got back home from the lgbt cafe thing and maaaan am I tired! It was good though. We were only 5 people (me included) this time and I recognised 3 of them from before. The last 30 or so minutes of it (it's only for 2 hours, which I think is just long enough!) it was just me and the guy who hosts the event. We talked about cats for like 15 of those minutes. That was nice. He's really kind and sweet. Like he's the kind of guy I don't think anyone could ever feel threatened by.

But I'm not in the mood to write about that right now. I've held this in since just before I had to leave to go to the bus at 3:40 pm... At around 2 pm I wrote a comment to a post in a bisexual group on facebook... and apparently mods thought it was such a horrible comment that they muted me! I got so angry it's been brewing in me all day since then! Fuck! No, it wasn't a "horrible" comment but it was an "unpopular" opinion, and pretty fucking clearly unwanted. What pissed me off so bad was that EVEN THOUGH I had been super kind and polite about stating my opinion and tried real hard to not invalidate anyone with it... it was still deemed "not okay" for me to utter it.

It was met with pretty harsh criticism. Since I got back home again, that comment of mine has gotten 9 "angry" reacts, 1 "like" and 1 "love" react. It got some 5-6 angry comments and 2 kinda passive aggressive ones. I got muted before I could even get the chance to explain myself. It felt like I was being silenced for having "wrong think" like in that old, classic of a book called "1984" by George Orwell. I've read that book and it's a dystopian novel which the current culture climate is eerily similar to. Orwell described in his book that "wrong think" was thoughts and feelings that the government in that dystopic world had banned, and you get punished and silenced if you'd dare utter them. He was way ahead of his time, Orwell, as he write that book back in the 1950's. Or well, it basically just describes communism, I guess. Well what did I say in my comment then, you may wonder?

Well, this:
"I think it can be a matter of perspective. In my opinion there's only 2 genders, but I'm also supportive of nonbinary and I do understand intersex. Cause being both or neither male/female is not a third gender but simply a combination of the two or a lack of both."

Not THAT bad, right? Wrong. Apparently, cause it unleashed hell! Some of the replies I got to it was:
"See let me put it this way. Is bisexuality just a combination of hetero and homosexuality or is it its own identity? In the same way, nonbinary identities are their own even if they're comprised of aspects you may see in binary genders."

And:
"Your opinion is bad and wrong.
There are more than two genders. Period. This is a fundamental point you need to understand if you want to talk to, or about, trans people."

And also:
"You say you're supportive, but you're trying to change what nonbinary means. It's any gender outside of the societal man and woman dichotomy. Not all nonbinary are a mix of the two, or neither. They're are many, many genders that are not dependent on man and woman existing.
Please educate yourself further"

I'll add this one too:
"it’s easier to just say nothing when you’re not non-binary. Non-binary people understand our identities way better"

And why not this one:
"Imagine believing there's two genders and believing you still support nonbinary people lmao"

Also this little gem:
"Sounds like you're not even trying to hide your enbyphobia but okay"

Also this one cause it's the only actually at least half reasonable response:
"I understand your point, as a non-binary person. There are two binary identities, but the various combinations of both or lack of both binary genders are what makes the other gender identities. Essentially, you make sense, but it’s also a bit of nb erasure. That being said, third + genders have existed outside western culture for centuries."

I'm the one who should be crying bigotry here. They're literally trying to force their opinions onto me as if they were somehow facts, but everyone with half a brain knows that is not factual. It's a belief. It's a perspective. It's an opinion. Call it whatever the fuck you wanna call it, but I won't call what you call it cause I don't see it that way. Period. End of argument ...I wanted to say.

Yeah... I really wanted to respond to that crap but I can't. Cause fuck letting the dissendents speak, right? Let's just shut them up until they either learn to agree on every single point and have reached a mindless state of total equilibrium... or until they just disappear. I hate this part of the lgbt community. The vicious fucking snakes who think they can control people's minds by shoving their own crappy, unreasonable shit opinions down people's throats. Fittingly... apparently it's "national nonbinary day" today. Oh the irony. Well I think I'd rather eat my fucking socks than ever celebrate something so fucking pathetic.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care what other people consider their genders to me. People can identify as a fucking house plant if they want to, I don't give a fuck. But what I do have a huge problem with, is when I'm not even allowed to simply state my opinions of nonbinary in a kind and civil manner, in a group that's not even about gender identities!!! And also I've no fucking obligation to even accept nonbinary just because I'm bisexual. If I'd so only want to ever date binary cis men and women no bloody fucker can ever argue I'm a "bad bisexual" or "less bi" than some other fucker who has no standards what so ever but an ego in the size of fucking Jupiter. And that's not even as strict as I am! Cause I do date trans people as well as cis people, but can anyone blame me for being weary... and wary, of nonbinary people?

I may be old school but I'm not hateful. Since when did "allyship" get replaced with mind-control and worship? I refuse to be a "nonbinary ally" if that's the requirement. They've lost their fucking plot.

Well I sent a private message to one of the admins of the group, but so far no reply back. And I doubt I will get one later either. If I get banned from that group I wouldn't even care. Cause I don't wanna be part of a group that silences differing opinions just because they can. If that's the case I'd even leave on my own. Freely.

And no, I could never even dare to date a nonbinary person. Not unless they'd first fucking prove to me that they're not a hateful shitstain with a superiority complex like 99,9% of them seem to be. They're off my dating radar. And I don't even care if that's sexist or in any other way "too discriminatory" cause dating is actually the thing you're supposed to be allowed to be discriminatory about. Just like straight people exclude dating others of the same sex, or like weirdly picky people may exclude brunettes from their dating radar. Me excluding nonbinary people is really no different. It's within my right to do so, especially when it's for my own mental well-being.

Cause I can't be expected to be able to sift out the one or two actually decent nb people from the masses of snakes. So here's how it is: as soon as any potential partner says anything along the lines of "btw I'm nb" I'll just take off and run for the fucking hills. Decline any further dating. Lose out, whatever. Cause I'm just not willing to take that kind of risk. I've been with enough manipulative assholes. And yeah, people can call it "enbyphobia" however much they want, but I'm gonna go ahead and disagree and call it common fucking sense and self-preserverance.

Ugh, that just kinda ruined my day. But I could at least take my mind off it for a few seconds here and there at the cafe. I still haven't told anyone there about my detransing, but that's mostly just because we haven't talked about any gender or transition stuff at all there so far, so I think it would be weird to just bring up out of the blue. I can just sense that their thoughts really wander about my presentation and appearance there though. Like some really look me up and down with a kinda nervous but intrigued smile as if they're trying really hard to figure me out, but no one has actually said anything, or even hinted.

I wonder for how much longer they can keep biting their tongues about it. Cause I get the feeling that's exactly what they're doing. I wouldn't mind talking about it, in fact I'm bursting to have someone irl I can talk about it with, but I can't just say it outright. I need to wait for "the moment", which I know may never come. But that's just my cross to bear, I guess. At least I've learned to accept that.

I'm curious what they might think of me, but I don't wanna ask. I felt like I was passing better today though, and oh boy did I put in the effort to pass! With my beard hidden better than ever (although you could still see some in my sideburn areas and chin) and my hairline completely hidden under a feminine-looking scarf. Although I wasn't gendered by anyone at all so I can't actually know if I passed or not. It just felt like I did. So maybe take that with a grain of salt. Or two.

Also I talked to a friend, over phone, yesterday and that made me feel a bit better about my detransing situation. I think just hearing a new perspective that I hadn't heard before was apparently what I needed to feel better. Well anyhow he told me a lot of good, uplifting stuff about me going off testo. That it's very good my periods came back cause that means my body's natural estrogen has really kicked in again and it's working excellently. He also informed me that my extra testo will sit around in my body for about 6 months from the time I quit taking it. And that within 2-3 years I'll be pretty much my old self again. I told him about how annoying it is to shave with my skin being a lot softer but my beard hairs being very thick and coarse and he had empathy for me about that issue, but also said eventually my beard will get softer too. So that's good to know and it made me feel more hopeful.

Apparently he knows two other detrans women, also Swedes, except from me. He mentioned their names to me but I didn't recognise them much. I don't know if I know them or not, or if I have known them in the past but lost touch. Sometimes I forget names or can't place them. My mind is so disorganised. I also feel really good about being on the blockers again too, except they make me tired all the time, which is a little annoying daytime, but very nice to sleep on at night. I'm supposed to take them in the morning... but all I could think about that is "what idiot orders patients to take a sedating medication in the fucking morning?!" and decided to take it in the evening instead. Just like that. I can't think that would make any sort of detrimantal difference. But yeah, it makes me kinda "slightly drowsy" 24/7 anyhow, just that it almost completely knocks me out during the first 2 or so hours after taking it. Sooo, if I'd take it in the morning I'd be sleeping all days and be up at night, pretty much.

But actually I think me taking it consistently every evening at roughly the same time is what's helping me keep a sleep pattern now. Well, I have for almost 2 weeks or so now. Or I don't quite remember how long, since some number of days before I started taking the blockers again. So that's good, but increasingly more difficult to maintain. Another annoying side effect is that it does reduce my sex drive. Cause I noticed that happened when I was on them the first time around, then when I went off them I noticed my sex drive went up again, and now since starting them again, my sex drive is again lower. Not inexistent or gone, just less high or intense. Like I still get horny, just not as often or for as long. My mind wanders away from sexy thoughts much more easily. It's like they're boring me quicker. It bugs me a bit, that those pills lower my sex drive, but I don't panic about it cause I still have a sex drive and I'm single anyhow, so it doesn't actually impact my life much.

I guess I'm fine with sacrificing some of my sex drive to get my testo changes to reverse faster, cause that means I'm feeling better about my body faster and that's always a good thing. Cause ultimately, feeling comfortable in my own skin is more important and of higher priority than how often I wanna have sex. Especially since I'm feeling too bad about my body now to even enjoy having sex at all. But I mean masturbation is still very nice. Probably because I know exactly what my "lover" thinks of me then, and I have no reason to worry or not trust. I can trust my own hands on my body. That they won't do something I'm not prepared for or won't like, that they know exactly how to please me. And no risk of std's or pregnancy. It's the safest sex I could possibly have, both mentally and physically. So that's why it works so well for me, even now in this sorrowful state. It became a kind of self-care routine, although I don't doubt I'm still addicted to it additionally. And it always feels good to give myself a little of my own love, and I do love making myself feel good with sweet orgasms that lullaby me to sleep, comfort and relaxation.

People are still commenting on that comment I made in that facebook group, but can't intervene in. Someone just tagged an admin, coincidentally the same one I sent a message to earlier, so let's see what may come of that. And the person tagging the admin called me transphobic in their comment. Bwah! Not that I care much, but it did make me scoff a bit. Oh by the way it's up at 11 "angry" reacts now. It may just be my most hated comment online ever, so far. And it wasn't even hateful.

You know what I would like to throw into their faces? When they say "there are more than 2 genders cause there are genders outside of the man and woman dichotomy" I'd like to reply with something like "Well if male vs female is a false dichotomy, then I'm neither and both cis and trans cause that's also a false dichotomy and if you disagree with me you're invalidating my lived experiences." Cause I know they fucking HATE it when someone tries to break the "cis vs trans dichotomy" but they also refuse to believe in the "male vs female dichotomy" and they're obsessed with being validated all the time. Sooo.... I think that might be a pretty nice comeback.

Cause I actually do think I'm neither cis nor trans, technically, but it's an unpopular opinion in most trans spaces. But the more I think about it the more it makes sense. Cause cis people supposedly never question their gender, they don't have any kind of gender dysphoria and they don't transition - and trans people don't think of their gender as being the same as their bio sex, and they usually don't regret having transitioned or want to get their transitioned bodies changed back to look like their bio sex again.

The way I see it I simply don't fit into either of those two boxes. Yes, I hold onto the "cis woman" thing but only to highlight the importance of my gender being the same as my bio sex. What I mean by thinking I'm not technically cis is I'm different from cis women in a huge number of ways. For all the reasons I transitioned and then detransition:
- Cause I didn't always think of my gender as being the same as my bio sex. For most of my life I have not. It's only these past 5 months that I have actually felt connected to being bio female and a woman.
- And cause I've always had some form of dysphoria (related to my sexed body traits) or another. Even now, as I struggle with my male traits.

My conclusion is: there's more than just cis or trans. I'm in a third category, or a mix of the two. Either perspective would be correct.

It doesn't make me feel bad to think of myself as neither/both. But I do like ruffling people's feathers with bringing up that concept, that detrans people are neither cis nor trans, we're something else or both at the same time. Same concept as that nonbinary stuff, huh? But the difference is that I'm not forcing my idea of a non-cis-non-trans person existing onto anyone else. I'm simply presenting it as an idea and as a feeling, on few occasions. Because I can have opinions about things without forcing others to agree with me.

Well, I guess they really managed to ruffle my feathers though... And I also guess I still am angry at "nonbinary culture" for being such an authoritarian moodkill. At least I present my ideas as options, as neatly wrapped gifts that I just place on the table and then let people take them if they want to. And I don't yell bigotry (cry wolf, much?) as soon as someone declines my ideas. I don't actually mind or care about people disagreeing with me, that's never been my issue. What I do mind is not being allowed to explain or defend myself. That they think it's fine and fair to just let an entire group of angry pisshats spew shit on me for god knows how many more hours while I'm being kept silent, forcibly. It's the figurative gag in my mouth that I'm pissed off and complaining about, not the shit I'm getting thrown at me. Cause if I had been allowed to throw shit too, it would have been a pretty fun or at least very fair, shit-throwing fight.

Isn't it funny that those who claim to fight for justice the most, inflict the most injustice of them all? Well, that's politics in a fucking nutshell. And probably why I got bored with it again. I'm too wise and too mature for politics. Cause to me it all just looks like adult kids having a sandbox fight. And eventually I always just roll my eyes and move on. Humans are never gonna get along, or end wars, or gain any sort of justice or freedom, if they keep attacking and dog-piling others like that. They lost the fight that they threw me into, cause they fight dirty and they fight without honour. I may not have a black belt in karate (yet) but I know a thing or two about how to fight fairly, and what even counts as a fight. Cause if it's not a fair fight... it's abuse.

If or when I get un-muted in that group, or if it all blows over and I'm expected to "behave", I'll leave the group. No true warrior lets herself get abused by her opponents. If your opponent fights dirty, they've lost the fight the moment they fucked up and you no longer have any obligations or responsibility for fighting to win. The fight is over the moment they fucked up. So you leave and let the unwise clean up their own mess. I deserve better than such insolence. Let's wrap it up with that, to walk away with my head held high and my pride unscathed.

Regret and grief

I posted a blog entry here yesterday, but regretted it almost immediately so took it down again. It's rare that I do that, only happened once before. It was about my thoughts on if being trans might not be a real thing... and I just got so worried it would be very hurtful, so an hour or so after I had posted it in the early morning hours, I took it down again. I decided it wasn't worth possibly losing friends over just my nagging need to vent some stupid thoughts. They are very controversial, and quite likely even outright transphobic. Yeah, they are. Maybe best to keep that shit to myself. The blog entry I wrote is still saved as a draft, and saved on my computer additionally, so it's not scrapped, just hidden from the public.

I tried to phrase my opnions as carefully as possible, but it still became blunt and I realised that no matter how I'd phrase such opinions, it wouldn't matter, cause the opinions themselves are utter shit. I might tell them in an e-mail or personal messages if you'd REALLY want to know them, but not without first assuring me you wouldn't ditch our friendship over it. I don't know if you actually managed to read that before I hid the entry. I hope not. I guess, if you did though... I'm so sorry, I never intended for my thoughts and opinions on transsexualism to change like that. I only wanted to figure out my own gender situation and still my curiosity on what "the other side" thinks. I still care about trans people and I don't think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, medically, legally or socially. Also I do not condone misgendering, whether I actually view it as such or not.

And if you didn't read that... good. Even if it wouldn't have hurt you, that really made me feel horrible to just express it. I must have been so selfish even wanting to vent those thoughts. At the very least I should only vent them to cis people, or better yet get a terf friend to vent them with. I guess this is what's so difficult for me that my thoughts and feelings keep changing so much and so radically over time, that I always eventually end up in a situation where I feel the need to hide a new aspect of myself to good friends I never wanted to hide anything from, out of fear.

My mind has become so maluable that it practically liquified and now nothing is stable within it. Every thought, every feeling, every opinion no matter how important to me... has the potential of changing radically. It's at the point where I'm not certain of anything. I could even become a hardcore Christian at some point, or a rampant nazi, or a super leftist man-hating feminist. Or anything, at any point. My curiosity takes me places and I'm still too easily fooled by what "sounds good" until eventually neither side of the argument "sounds good" and I'm just confused. Then that part of my mind has been moulded and shaped too many times to hold itself together anymore, it comes apart, and I have no clear or solid opinion on that thing anymore. Or I keep switching between very different opinions on that topic very frequently, like from day to day. The pendulum swings itself off from its hinges.

This actually happens but I'm not sure why, other than that I think my ability to tell what is reasonable opinions (of others) or unreasonable gets unstable and stops working, and I'm literally unable to tell if I agree or not. That happened with feminism and anti-feminism. And I think that now it's happening with pro-trans and anti-trans opinions. I don't know why this happens with me, or what I could do about it. Cause just giving it time and not overthinking it for that time doesn't seem to work, even given years. I don't know. Maybe my brain is just overworked in general and can't handle the intensity of all the stimuli. But it's frustrating nonetheless.

I'm having a shitty day, because of or on top of that. I went to bed at around 5 am this morning, then woke up around 7 when my mother called to wake me up so that I could call the gender clinic. I didn't. I couldn't. Felt like utter shit and dead tired. Refused to get out of bed. So I drifted in and out of sleep for another 10 hours until I eventually dragged my ass out of bed at 5 pm. I dreamed about detransition stuff. That I was hanging out drinking booze (Minttu, and some other stuff I don't remember) with my father and some random guys of his age, some of which I knew, some I didn't. And they told me several times that the fact I had a deep voice and facial hair made me "not really a woman" which annoyed me and I told them that's ridiculous and that they were wrong. It wasn't a bad dream though, the guys were more joking than cruel, the dream didn't have a negative atmosphere to it, although it was more neutral than good.

I don't remember most of my nightly dreams lately, but I'm fairly sure I've been detransitioning in all of them ever since that happened in real life.

Before I went to bed I also felt extra horrible about my chest. I was looking at some youtube videos from the webshop (Amoena) I ordered my most recent... well, mastectomy bra, from. And it just hit me sooo hard when I watched a video featuring a woman getting fitted for a breast form to match the one breast she had left, and then her joy seeing herself in the mirror with two matching breasts, and the woman helping her out and leading the video talking about their female customers "feeling whole again" with their breast forms, I felt like something was literally shattering within my chest.

I think I'm really struggling with this on a very deep, emotional level. Both my regret of getting top surgery and the lack of breasts on my chest, as well as that it was my own decision, and that it wasn't cancer. That they were healthy breasts that I had removed... that hurts more than I can fathom. And I think, I'm struggling to accept it. The missing pieces are hurting me immensely with their absense. And in my sleep I kept waking up wondering where my breasts were... I fumbled for them, literally, in that half awake-half asleep state where you're not quite aware of your surroundings.

I hate that feeling. It digs holes within me, gouging me out. It's my grief, like looking for a lost loved one in a state of delirium. Struggling to accept and you're not sure which state is the reality and which is your cruel imagination. It's gonna hurt either which way, and you're not sure you want to know, but your hands are desperately searching to find out. Your hands want to know that your mind is wrong, but your hands are wrong and your mind is not. Finding that, I just wanted to go back to sleep again, dream that awful feeling away. But it never works that way. It only creates a repeating pattern of confusion, desperate searching, knowing, pain, then back to confusion again. Until I wake up and accept the reality.

My own breast forms don't comfort me as much today. Today they remind me of what should be there instead, but I'd feel even worse without them. Carved out to hollowness. And I think I'm angry at myself for having transitioned, but the sadness and grief takes over and drown my words. I'm comfort-eating chocolate but it grosses me out and I worry it might make me fat if I continue, which saddens me more. That's a vicious cycle too. I'm out of words for now.

A life of learning how to piss

I think we could call this blog entry somewhat of an EZP stp review, as I did kinda end up going in depth about my experiences with it so far, and also what more I need to practice and figure out about it, and some issues I've run into about using it. But then I also rant about other things that are more or less related to that.

How seldom do I really need to pee? I've recently wondered. Cause I think I only peed once the day before yesterday, and twice yesterday. Usually I want to wait until it's a strong need so I can more easily go with the stp, but once yesterday and then this morning I could go without it being super urgent. I hope my kidneys are doing fine, considering how seldom I pee, as lately, since I started using my stp and paying more attention to my peeing, I've only done it 1-2 times per day. I still drink a lot of water and coffee, and think I'm only mildly dehydrated. Sometimes my pee is very lightly yellow, other times it's golden or even deep orange, which is probably the best indicator I have to go by in determining how dehydrated I am.

But I also know my bladder is really huge (stretched over years of practicing holding it, to deal with my childhood incontinence that lasted far up into my teens, and last time I really had to deal with that issue I was 18 years old, but it was only a constant issue until I was 15, but now it's a thing of the past) and I probably pee out more than half a litre per time, cause it's a very heavy stream that lasts at least a couple of minutes, sometimes up to 5 minutes. I haven't ever measured the full content of it (by peeing into a bowl or pitcher then), but I know for a fact it most definitely does not fit in a 2 dl cup by very far, from urine tests I've taken for medical reasons.

It's so weird though, but in an amazingly good way, that ever since I used my stp for the second time (few days ago) and figured out how to make myself release it right away... it seems I've cured my "shy bladder" situation. It used to take me forever to make myself release the pee even when I was sitting down on my own toilet at home while completely alone and no pressure on me what so ever. Like I usually had to sit and focus on relaxing and letting it out for at least 5-10 minutes unless I was in a panicking need to pee like literally unable to hold it. Like it never worked instantly, sometimes even when it was urgent. I used to have the tap running or listening to music or holding my one hearing ear to block out sounds around me, closing my eyes, taking deep breaths, focusing as much as I could to relax, reading a comic, like anything I could possibly think of and it still sometimes wouldn't work so I had to give up and try again later.

For all my life, peeing has been such a fucking nuissance I don't even have words for how incredibly frustrating it's been! No one else ever talks about having those kind of issues, but I'm not gonna be ashamed over what's essentially just a medical issue about a very natural bodily function that literally everyone has, cause everyone pees. And if me talking about it can help others feel less ashamed over having suffered the same, even better! But yeah, all of my childhood and most of my teens I had undiagnosed incontinence, meaning I couldn't hold my pee quite a lot of the time, or a few times a week at least. It got from "no need" to "bloody fucking urgent" in a split second and then all I could do was while sitting jam my heel into my crotch and try to massage it to some kind of lesser urgency cause then I was stuck sitting like that until I could gain some control over it, cause if I got up to go to the bathroom I peed myself and there was nothing I could do.

My boy room where I slept as a kid was on the second floor, the farthest away from the bathroom possible. So at night when in urgent need to pee I had to run through a hallway, down a curved flight of stairs, through the vestibule, the kitchen, the living room and another hallway before I finally reached the bathroom - and by then it was usually too fucking late and I had left quite a trail after me...

I wet my bed hundreds of times, also when it wasn't my own bed at home, and peed through probably all of my pants and panties at some point or another. What triggered it I'm not sure, but laughing very hard was always very risky, and going to bed without having peed the evening before. Being extremely nervous could trigger it as well, and many times it just happened for no apparent reason. While at the same time I couldn't make myself pee when I was actually on the toilet! Can you imagine my utterly sheer frustration with my stupid bladder!? Or my stupid brain, rather, cause it was most likely a neurological issue more or less tied to my asperger. Possibly also the trauma stuff, but I had those issues long before my bullies fondled me, so that didn't cause the issues. But that's also a reason I think maybe I was abused when I was too young to remember it, cause incontinence is a very common reaction for kids who've been abused, especially sexual abuse.

But I think it was mostly just that my body/brain sucks at giving me the right signals at the right times, cause it's always been the same with my hunger and tiredness; meaning I feel no hunger at all until I'm suddenly starving, and I feel no sleepiness at all until I suddenly can't keep myself awake, and I'm not sure if I can even feel thirst at all (I just get a dry mouth from my meds and then feeling dizzy after a long time of no water). There's just no in-betweens, it goes from no signal to extremely urgent. I think why that is, is because of a poor brain-body connection in me, which could be an asperger thing, but it is still a mystery cause it seems to be rare and not understood in the medical field. All the doctors just shrug and look confused at me before they sigh and say "could maybe be your asperger?" so there's that, huh.

In my childhood I tried to talk to my parents about it, and they were very much aware of the issue cause quite often they changed my bed sheets after an accident and they gave me a plastic blanket to keep under my sheets on the mattress of my bed and told me to learn to hold it, but other than that they weren't really helpful. When I was 12 and first got my period, wearing such pads was mildly helpful (also a big reason I always preferred thick pads over tampons). It only helped if it was a mild accident, but often I just peed right through that damn thing along with my pants and if I was sitting on a cushioned chair... aw, man! That sucked. I did try to practice holding it and eventually I got to the point where I could hold it for several hours at a time, but I still had moments when it was just impossible to keep it in.

I don't know what eventually made the frequency of accidents decrease, sometime when I was around 15 years old, but it could have been because that's when I graduated from that school that sucked the life out of my soul and inhabited all of my previous bullies and so on. I hated that school and finally being free from it was a huuuge relief. So it could have impacted my mental state enough to give me more control over my bladder, but that's a theory at best. Since then it only happened sporadically, maybe a few times a year. Then as I said before, the last time I remember it happened was when I was 18. I was with R (that manipulative boyfriend) at a bus stop in Uppsala while waiting for a bus to take us back home again, and we were there with a few of his classmates as well, who were good friends.

They were telling some jokes that I thought were extremely funny and my hysterious laughter triggered my bladder. I knew that was way too familiar so I instantly sat down on the ground as I always did to quickly and (rather) effectively try to prevent a leak. I did manage to prevent it that time, luckily. Only a few drops escaped into my pantiliners. But of course it was embarrassing at the time to cause that kind of scene in front of other people and in public at that, cause of course they all understood what was going on. They weren't mean at all about it though, but it was just the last thing I wanted for much of anyone to know about me, regardless of how kindly they took it. But me managing to prevent it that last time it happened, might have actually been a huge stepping stone to me learning how to control it and keep preventing it. Okay it has happened after that, but then only while being very drunk, and I don't quite think that counts, and it was just a few times up until I was like... 21 or 22, I think?

Jeez, I think the only reason I had that fucking issue all the way up until my damn 20's was because my parents were so neglectful about it when I was a kid. I'm actually amazed that I managed to sort it out on my own eventually... Cause now I'm confident it won't happen and it doesn't ever happen anymore, whether sober or drunk. And also, that's kind of why I have such an easy time controlling my stream with using my new stp now and I mean I have very good control over it. I could play melodies with it against the toilet bowl! Also considering how much pee I can get out at once, I could make an entire 5 minutes long song before running out of it! I'm laughing at this right now...

So anyhow, up until around 8-9 years ago I struggled with not being able to stop the pee from flowing. And since forever up until very recently I also struggled with not being able to get the pee to flow when I needed for it to... So that has just been an overwhelming amount of pee-frustration in two opposing ways. You could say it clearly piss-ed me off! Pun totally intended, cause that one was too good to resist. Okay so that was a long rant about my past pissues, let's get back to present time:

Now as soon as I've positioned the packer and made sure it's in the right location and I've angled the dick right, it takes less than 2 seconds until I'm able to go. Every time. Like I just "do it" and have zero issue with it... it's so strange, cause most trans guys who've ever used stp's have the opposite situation, meaning they struggle much more to pee with the device than without it. I think what makes it the reverse for me, might be cause of some underlying pee dysphoria I wasn't aware of that I even had, that got relieved when I used the stp and it relaxed me. Like my body/mind on some subconscious level finally got to pee "the right way" and something connected and clicked within me.

I never thought that using an stp could be an actual "need" for me, dysphoria wise. I always just thought it could be practical and somewhat gender affirming, but I never thought my satisfaction from using one would turn out to be quite this rewarding. It amazes me that I found a solution that I didn't know I was even looking for, by just trying it out for fun. Before when I tried to use my old stp, the "Mr. Fenis" one, I really struggled to go with it at all, because I didn't trust it at all and knew I was gonna spill with it, because I always did spill with it no matter what I tried to do. Then that made me tense and not relieved, one way or the other. It's also not a very realistic looking stp, it just barely resembles a very plain dick with a vaguely pronounced head and in one solid caucasian skin colour. It's also big and clumsy, which further made me feel "off" and insecure about using it.

But with this EZP one, it works so well that I managed to let myself trust it almost right away, and that me trusting it, was what made me able to make myself go instantly. I did spill with it once, few days ago, and I know that it can happen at some point or another cause it's still possible I may misjudge the positioning cause of being unfocused or forgetting, but I still feel I can trust it, despite that. And that is actually huge.

For me and my extreme trust issues, I mean. Perhaps it seems silly, that my trust issues even extend in inanimate objects, but they do, cause that's how deep that wound goes. And maybe that's a reason why I get so angry at things when they don't behave as I want for them too, as if they prove to me I still cannot trust them either and that pours salt in that old wound that never fucking heals. Because it cannot heal for as long as I refuse to let myself trust. My fear and reluctance is like an infection to that wound, and having that fear being "proven" to be valid again and again by objects not "obeying" me, only worsens that infection and makes that figurative wound grow bigger. Or at least that's my theory. But I also think there's no one explanation/reason as to why I get angry so easily, but a whole nest of underlying reasons that intertwine and fight with each other. And I think I'm not yet even half aware of what most of those reasons are.

So, me being able to trust that stp is indeed a huge thing. And it's a wise kind of trust that allows for mistakes, which I think only makes that connection stronger and more likely to hold for a very long time. It's like my feeling towards it says something like: "I know you're not perfect and you will make mistakes and fail me at times, and I know someday you might break or get lost so I might have to replace you and hope I can get another of the same kind... and I hope you won't fail me when I most need you to work, but it's okay if you do and I'm strangely fine with all of that. I trust that you WILL work while at the same time I don't expect you to, and I forgive you if you don't." And that... is a kind of trust I have literally never known, never felt, never had before. Towards anyone or anything.

So... it might just be that this new stp not only relieves dysphoria I didn't even know I had, but also is a stepping stone to managing my very deep trust issues, which I totally didn't expect at all. Oh hell yes, I'm bringing it with me everywhere from now on! Even though I rarely come across any men's bathrooms that even has urinals, just using it in a stall would obviously work fine as well. Just make sure I won't spill over the edge in a public bathroom, cause that's not nice. But yeah, whenever I might get to somewhere there are urinals, I need to try using my stp there as well. I've never peed into a urinal before... that makes me both giggly excited to try it and nervous at the thought.

I know in the men's locker rooms at the swimming hall they have one of those wide urinals that looks a bit like a bathtub where you could stand at least 2 or 3 guys at the same time, and it's located in a separete, open room next to the showers, but I'd be naked if I'd be near that urinal and it would be a tad weird for me to use my stp while naked cause I don't think I can keep it in place as it is with no underwear or harness to keep it in place. And also a bit awkward cause other guys there would see it's not a real dick if I literally attach and detach it! I might be able to hide that action though, by facing a wall while fiddling and keeping my towel close at hand for when not having the stp attached to my crotch, and hiding the stp in the towel and/or the plastic bag I'd carry my soap bottle and swimshorts in. It might be tricky but doable.

Otherwise I don't know what public place I ever go to where there might be urinals. Only place I can think of is the ferry that goes between Visby and the mainland, but I'm not traveling with that one often at all. That "Creative Media" place I go to sometimes (that job-training thing) doesn't have urinals at their toilets. Just two regular toilets in stalls. So no such practice can be done there. As far as I can remember, the gym here in Hemse (that I haven't been to for the past 4 years) didn't have urinals either. The hospital/psychiatric department in Visby doesn't either. Maybe I could go to a random bar/pub somewhere in Visby to get drunk at and hope they have urinals, cause I can't think of any other place I could possibly practice that except from the swimming hall.

Cause I want to practice that despite so seldom being in a situation I'd pretty much have to. Because you never know when in any future I might actually need that particular skill/confidence. If I'd travel to visit my friends on the mainland again and go clubbing with them and then find myself in a desperate need to pee but the only stall in the men's room is occupied but the urinals have space, for example. I'm confident enough that my stp looks realistic enough to not look suspiciously fake for any cis guy who might catch a glimpse of it at a urinal. Especially if they're drunk at some night club or bar. Then I could probably use a fucking beer bottle painted with some beige paint as an stp and cis guys would be like "dick looks fine to me" if you catch my drift. Sometimes I really wonder if drunk guys can even tell the difference between a dick and a beer bottle... maybe that's why straight guys get gay when they drink...!

Sooo... I wouldn't worry about my stp not passing around drunk guys, and I also don't think I need to worry about it not passing around sober guys either. I mean, as long as I'm not using it in a very obviously weird manner that gets attention. I know that when I position it now, I have to kinda stand in a wider stance and bend my knees outwards a bit to get it positioned correctly before I can close my legs again, aim and pee. That might be a weird manouver that I might have to work on making more subtle first. The shape of my thighs is what makes it tricky to position the stp, but also is what makes it easy for the stp to stay well in place once I've positioned it right. I have kind of a very small "thigh gap" of 2-3 cm just at my crotch, before my thighs get much wider and then thinner again before the knees. So, that means I have to get that stp into that space that is my "thigh gap" which is a bit tricky, but once its there that little space is a perfect holder for it cause of my thighs keeping it in place from both sides and underneath. So when I pee through it, I don't need to hold it in place underneath. All I need to hold is the shaft to angle it downwards a bit and aim. So my body shape isn't ideal for it, but it totally still works.

But I'm thinking if maybe I can get it in place more subtly by standing a bit wider in stance and without bending my knees outwards try to like... slide it into that gap or space. It might not work if there's too much friction with the material of the stp against my hairy thighs. But, I'll try it nonetheless. Otherwise maybe I can position it well long before and keep it there as a packer so when I'll need to use it I can just whip it out like any cis guy would do it. It would be placed very low though, compared to cis dick.

But one thing about that which seems most trans guys are not aware of cause they're not total gay sluts like me... is that some cis guys actually have their dicks located very low, in a position that's very close to where my clit is on me. So cis dick location is actually very individual and can vary by several cm in height. Some cis guys I've been with had their dicks so low that their balls were very far back between their legs. Just a thought for when trying to figure out best way to position any kind of packers: whether it's high up or low down actually doesn't matter. But as a pointer: just 2-3 cm above the clit seems to be the most common location, in general. But anywhere between clit and about 10 cm above it are all natural variations in cis dick placement!

I definitely need to try using the stp at home while drunk! Let's see if I can hit the bowl, huh? Or if I'll shower my entire bathroom with piss... Well maybe that will be enough of a push to make me finally clean up in there. However, I don't want to get myself drunk that soon again. Although I might get drunk on Midsummer's but then I might have sexy company so practicing with the stp then might be weird... but I do plan on bringing it with me to use for peeing even when/if I'll have company. He might watch me, he might not. I haven't told him about me using an stp when we talked about both liking piss sexually... so me using that thing at some point or another might be a turn on or a turn off for him. I've just no idea. But of course I hope it would be a turn on for him... Cause I think it totally would be for me! Like it totally turns me on right now just thinking about peeing on or in him while using my stp... He's actually a bottom gay guy, and I'm just getting all sorts of ideas about that. Like maybe I'd want to ask him if I could penetrate him and/or play with his ass... He did show me some pics of his butt and it's a totally sexy butt! I'd love to get cosy with it, if he'd want for me too. I get the feeling he'd be totally up for it, but maybe just assuming I wouldn't be.

It does make me totally nervous thinking about penetrating another guy, but just general butt play on the giving end I'm less nervous about and more secure in that I know I like. So... maybe I could start by suggesting something more along the lines of touching, fingering and eating his ass out, and then if so, see if that could possibly proceed if we'd both be into it. But how come me, a bottom guy, ended up planning sex with another bottom guy? Well, he does seem to be kinda more of a verse bottom and expressed interest in penetrating me, and since I'm curious about topping as well, and into some more or less "topping stuff" like rimming another guy, being on the giving end of many kinks, etc... I'm sure we could have a lot of sexy fun together even though we're both at least primarily bottoms, cause seems we're both not exclusively bottoms.

He is very hot and handsome, not a whole lot older than me, a shy and sweet guy with a dirty mind whom I have a lot in common with in the sexual aspect... I somehow feel rather safe around him even though we haven't even met yet... and that makes me consider it more directly that maybe I'd actually want to try topping with him, even though he's a stranger. But we'll see if I'd even dare to ask him about it, and if we'll even manage to meet up. And also how well we'd "click" sexually in real life. But it's a thought and it's an idea that I'll be holding on to.

I think me exercising and working out as much as I do these days, actually discourages me from drinking alcohol though. Cause I know how bad it is for the body to work out while drunk or soon after/before drinking or while hangover. And I'm much more focused on working out than getting drunk, so it gets down-prioritised. And that's good though, isn't it?

But back to my packer. Despite how amazing it is and what an amazing tool it is, there is a downside to using it that I have not quite brought up yet. I don't want for that issue to discourage me, cause it does mean I can't really use it as a packer, like keeping it in my pants for a longer time, unless I can figure out a solution for this issue that has arisen, a few days ago. What it is, is that when I wear it positioned as a packer in my briefs, the cup part of it kind of "vacuum locks" my actual genitals into that cup part. And what happens with that is... well, they swell. And after just an hour or two my pussy doesn't look very good and it's a little uncomfortable. What I'm saying is, that my stp basically functions as an unintentional "pussy/dick pump" and I don't think that's entirely healthy if it goes on for too long or I'd forget about it, cause I don't feel it initially. Like it could cause bruising and possibly even block bloodflow, cause the swelling gets uneven like a lot in some areas and barely any at all in other areas. Then the swelling areas could get too swollen and get bruised, and they could potentially block bloodflow in the non-swelling areas.

When it's just been few minutes to an hour and only twice so far before I decided to not wear it as a packer in my briefs but instead keep it in my bathroom and only use it as an stp when I get the need to, I don't think I should worry about it. But it does mean that's an issue currently preventing me from simply wearing it, unless I can figure out a way to position it that doesn't cause that vacuum-locking situation to occur. In the instructional video about this stp on the website the guy said the edge around the cup part of the stp would not touch against your body all the way around... but for some reason that's exactly what it does on me, preventing any and all air from getting in between my crotch and the silicone, which is what's causing that vacuum, that in turn creates a "sucking" pressure which then swells my actual genitals, in pretty much the same way a (manual) dick pump works.

So, as for a solution, I need to find a way to place it there without the entire edge of the cup part touching my body so that air can get in between me and the stp. But how??? Ugh, I've no idea. I tried placing it higher up - didn't work. I've tried pushing it to the side a bit - didn't work either. There's not really that much else I can think of, you know. Lower down and it would be very inconvenient and leave me with no visible bulge at all, plus I would literally sit on it then. Except I could try to maybe put something between me and the stp, like a piece of toilet paper or a pantiliner, maybe. But I worry that might make using it as stp more difficult cause of papers or what not being in the way. It locking against my body like that is very good when peeing through it, cause it prevents spilling very well. But it doing that when not peeing with it might actually injure me. Tough shit, huh? Well I'll continue thinking about it and hope I get a good idea at some point.

On the positive side of that though, it does collect my pussy juices really practically in the cup part, and then I "rinse" that goo away from the stp whenever I pee next time. That's a neat thing, but makes the stp stink a tad more quickly.

Other than that I don't think I have more to say about my stp habits so far, or all of my various pee issues. However I'm looking into maybe buying some extra large non-latex condoms... been realising the ones I already have at home will be way too small for a lot of guys. I can very barely stuff one of those onto a barely medium-sized dildo, it takes a lot of effort and it sit very tight on it. Also cause non-latex condoms aren't as flexible as their latex counterparts. And I know not having big enough condoms that won't cause an allergic reaction is a huge reason I'm too often skipping condoms altogether. Yeah I can whine about it all my life how fucking inconvenient my latex allergy is, but it's not gonna go away and it's also not an excuse to skip condoms altogether.

I googled some xl non-latex ones and I did get a few results, so maybe I should order some of those then. I should have thought of this sooner though, cause I might need them in just a few days, in which time they might not arrive, unless I'm lucky as fuck enough that the guy I have plans with actually already has some non-latex ones available and with him. But I highly doubt that cause that kind of allergy is pretty rare and not something most people even think about unless they themselves or their partner has that allergy. And I just really, really doubt my current condoms would fit on this guy unless some kind of miracle happens! Yeah okay so I at least ordered a pack of extra large non-latex condoms, 10 in a pack for 180 kr (around 19-20 euro). I don't think I'd need more than ten of them quite this soon, and if I will I think it would be fine to just order more next week or so then. They don't tend to last forever (about 2 years though) and hardly every guy I am/would be with is quite that well-endowed. I chose some "fast order" option that didn't cost me that much more, so I'll hopefully get them before Midsummer, but yeah here's me crossing all my fingers and toes for that.

Cause even though I'm not the one equipped with dick, I kinda have to be the one making sure condoms are available because it's me with the inconvenient latex-allergy that means it's difficult to find condoms I can even use, in most physical stores. I really can't have sex with latex condoms, it's so painful I'd just rather not have sex at all then... and I know for a fact it's the latex that makes it painful and not some lack of lube or lack of arousal or too big dick or whatever. It's been incredibly painful with small dicks and heaps of lube of being so damn fucking aroused I thought I was gonna flip off to crazy-land. And that pain is also very different from friction-damage and pain from being stretched too far too quickly. Latex pain is much more long-lasting and like a literal "slow burn" cause it feels like a burning sensation. That's just not something I want in my sex life if I can at all possibly avoid it.

This guy seems very keen on protection, which I think is very understandable and reasonable and I'm definitely not complaining about that, cause I know I really need to start using them as well. I'm not complaining about him or anyone else wanting to use them with me, I'm really just complaining about my own reluctance to use them, and of course I'm also complaining about the existence of std's in general, and the existence of my own annoying reproductive system that I surely want yanked out of me so I won't ever have to worry about pregnancies, at the very least. I wish that yanking out my uterus could prevent me from getting std's as well though. Better finish this shit off now or I never bloody will.

Candy and liquor stores

Can you fuck dysphoria away? That thought just hit me in Swedish and it struck me as so bizarre when I thought of how I came to start liking my pussy again.

My strange experiences with packing with my new stp is bringing back those not so old thoughts of bottom surgery again. Not in the sense I'm re-considering it again, but more in an analysing past thoughts, kind of way. As I placed the packer in my underwear to try to see if I could pull it out peeing style in briefs that had no pocket and my leather pants that were the only fitting pants with a low enough fly, it worked just fine and seeing that ultra realistic silicone dick poke out of my fly as though it was my own... and as I stroke its smooth head and shaft, in the same manner I would caress a cis guy's dick in an intimate moment with him, in a wanting, affectionate moment that's perhaps more emotionally intimate than truly sexual, I felt an unfamiliar connection to it. Somewhere in the back of my mind a thought gently said "this is my dick" as I could feel my motions through the silicone gently transfering down to my own anatomy underneath, vaguely mimicking what it could maybe feel like if that silicone was my actual flesh.

I stroke its head more and more as I got increasingly more aroused by the phantom feeling alone, as though as I was jerking off. But a moment later the intense feeling weakened until I eventually let go of the packer, looked down at it, shook my head and stuffed it back into my pants again. Did I feel disappointed? Yeah, probably. And silly too. But at the same time I knew, that it was just an echo of what could be a phantom limb sensation latching onto me in that moment. I've heard many other trans men describe having had similar moments themselves, but I've never been able to connect to packers like that before. It likely happened now because using it as an stp is actually working well over my expectation. It's working, not like a device, but more like a dick. It's just a plastic toy! -I've kept telling myself while shaking my head at it. What would I really know.

Perhaps that's a downside of being a gay trans man. That even the best resemblance of a dick in silicone is never ever gonna truly measure up to all the amazing dicks I've seen, held, felt inside me, traced gently with my fingers over softly bulging veins and silky smooth glanses that I love to tease with my tongue just underneath it as I gently wrap my lips around the head, that I've felt the warmth and growing of in my hands and mouth, and felt the warm expulsion of cum come out of as I've eagerly tasted every drop of it, and that I've just held still in my hand for simply comfort as I fell asleep in its owner's embrace. Silicone feels dead and cold in comparison. Like a sculpture of a loving pet that's passed away. It doesn't help, it hurts. Being in such total awe and worship over that male beauty also kicks me in my own metaphorical nuts over what I'll never have myself. But do I have to? Well no, but sometimes reminders sting.

Do I still have dysphoria over my own genital configuration? Well, whatever remains of it is barely even there anymore. I feel fine with what I have, on most days. And usually on days I don't particularly like it is when I'm in a desperate, stinking need of a shower, and in need of another trim of the ever-growing bush. When it's clean and trimmed, I do feel a certain sense of pride over it, and can hardly keep my hands away from the pleasure I know I can find in there. And I find beauty in its looks, and its female contrast to the rest of me that appears male appeals to me. Choosing which erotic zone to stimulate to orgasm on any particular day is like going into a candy store and having everything thrown at you for free... but then you look to the other side of the street and see the liqour store, but you can't go over there for that booze you long to get drunk on, cause you're locked in the candy store.

Is it greed? Is it a need?
Have I fucked my dysphoria away...
...or was it never dysphoria to begin with?

Now it feels more like I wallow in that candy store, satisfied with it and everything it can offer, and I love it when liquor comes in and wants a taste of my candy, and I'll get a sip of booze enough to rouse me, cause shared pleasure is always gonna be special, one way or another. Sometimes I still glance over at the liquor store and feel a bit of a sting, but then I wonder: is it just because I can't be it, only dream it?

The more I fuck it and enjoy the erotic sensations it gives me, totally for free and without objections, as though it's been begging, yearning for my hands to stroke it like that again and it purrs like a kitten every single time I give it that attention, the more I forget about that penis envy and yearning for what I can't have.

And it comes down to wanting to have the cake and eating it at the same time. For that I slap myself hard and tell myself to get a solid grip on the slipping reality again. Cis men don't exactly get to choose to have both sets of genitals at the same time either. But then they never knew what it's like to have a pussy filled to the brim and far beyond with pleasure and having it filled up with dick as well until you lose all sense of sanity and reality for a moment in the most beautiful chaos taking over your entire body and bringing it somewhere amazing, for just a moment in time but it's worth the whole eternity. If cis men knew that and had that, somehow I don't think they'd trade that away for dick either. We who are slaves to the flesh are all weak to it, aren't we?

Or maybe it's just my own dick-like organ that's dysfunctional somehow. Its apparently 8 thousand nerve endings barely bring me to the roof in an orgasm, while my g-spot alone has the potential to shoot me up into outer space and spin me around Mars. Then just imagine the potential of stimulating all the many spots in and around that area at once.

So now I wonder, did my orgasms and re-uniting with my vagina again after 10 years of hating it, somehow make me re-connect to that part of my body as though it wasn't wrongly gendered anymore, or was it never wrongly gendered to begin with? Or... does it simply not matter anymore that it is wrongly gendered? But even if that's so, it still kinda looks like I'm treating my genital dysphoria with sex. The most likely to be poison that somehow turned out to be medication.

Oh, if anything in this world could make me a total, literal sex addict... that would be it.

If I'll be using sex as a treatment for an incurable medical symptom... I won't be having many days of some kind of celibacy, ever. As if I have for a very long time, when I count in masturbation as sex. It's not that it bothers me, but it does stress me out a little bit. It does put a bit of pressure on me. But at the same time, there hasn't been a single day since the first time I ever masturbated 20 years ago, that my body hasn't been screaming to be touched like that, whether by my own hands or someone else's. Except on the day I was raped. So I'm already addicted to my own endorphins that release in an intense rush for every orgasm, and if I don't get it for a day or two, I'll be acting out like any other kind of addict not getting his fix soon enough again.

So it hardly bothers me or even changes my habits, to rely on it some more. But perhaps it does make an already heavy burden weigh a little bit more heavily. Knowing that I cannot make myself stop, even if my life so depended on it, that then I'd die jerking off, sometimes chokes me. Like a leash holding me too short, it's choking me between real life and instant satisfaction.

Will I fuck the pain away?
Is pleasure my reward or my pay?

Sometimes I wonder where I wander in my thoughts, and where the music carries me. But over all, I feel okay with my parts as they are now, but there is occasional envy. And I'm very pleased with my new packer, the comfort and gender validation it brings me. Just walking into the bathroom and seeing the toilet seat is up, gives me an intensely satisfying feeling of being a man who stands up to piss. I smile whenever I look at my new packer, and feel it was worth every single one of its 230 dollars. But being attracted to the same gender I feel I should have been born as but wasn't, sometimes fucks with me. I sometimes call it my "double attraction" by which I mean the attraction to maleness that I have goes both outwards (to other men) and inwards (to myself). I feel incomplete in comparison to other men, until I have sex with them. Then I feel as though we're one and I don't care about what parts I have as long as they enjoy it too. What matters then is just the feeling. That feeling. Yes, that feeling that I keep building castles of sand and mirrages of dreams out of, yet somehow expecting for them to not fall apart when the act is over and I wait for the next and the next and the next until all that I can think of is getting that void between my legs filled up again and again and again.

Is it the void where my dick should have been and I just keep borrowing other men's dicks to fill it temporarily... or is it just the rush of pleasure that temporarily frees my locked up mind from its own restraints, which makes me keep needing it over and over again?

I used to be a cutter for eleven years. Do you know why cutting your own skin is actually also addictive?
Cause it releases endorphins when you create a wound as your immune system hurries up to attend to the damage. The same hormone that orgasms release.
I think I replaced the razorblades with sex.

Why candy and liquor?
It's the sweet and the strong.

Competing with myself

I got a card from school, it's some kind of certificate, at the start of this term and now I see that my teacher has written the wrong personal identity number on it. Sigh, it's gonna follow me forever and ever that old personal identity number of mine that connects me to my previous legal gender. I don't think I'll ever use that certificate though, so I try not to be bothered by it. But I can imagine if I'll ever have to use it, it won't work cause the number on it doesn't match the number on my ID card. I legally became a new person, sort of, so yeah.

It's just so frustrating that that old number is still following me even though it's been over a year since I had it changed. It's like a persistent ghost that keeps haunting and taunting me. And I keep wondering if it will ever stop and just leave me alone. I don't want that shit being dragged up all the freaking time. It's like my past is trying to remind me of the obvious as if I'd ever manage to forget, or something. Like I do know that's something one just doesn't "forget" cause it's a constant reminder every single day.

I wish it wasn't that way. I still wish I had just been born with a male body and I fucking hate being trans. I don't see any pros with it at all, but that's a lie cause I do, it's just that the cons weigh so much more. The only pros I can think of is that I've got slightly more insight in things regarding gender. Like what it's like to be seen in society as both female and male, separately and simultaneously. And also what it's like to be seen as neither. Cause some people just would never accept me as a "real guy" and not as a "real girl" either. I don't know what they saw me as, but probably as some kind of freak of nature or something.

No one's been hostile towards me about my gender. Not even once during my transition. Although some took the opportunity to bully me a bit about it when I was still in elementary school and still trying to figure things out. But that never went that far, luckily. No, the worst kind of response I've gotten as far as I can remember, is people simply not accepting me as a guy. Those that said stuff like "you're always gonna be a girl to me" or "I still see you as a girl" and that shit. But I mostly let that be without trying to change their minds, knowing I wouldn't succeed to.

I mean their opinions might be shitty, but it's their opinions nonetheless and they can have them. What do I care. Then not everyone actually expressed what they thought about my gender/expression/transition and that was fine with me, although I have to admit I was curious to know their thoughts. I never pushed them into telling me though. I never even asked. What I did ask a lot of people who knew me though, was often why I didn't pass as male to them. I wanted to know so that I could change and pass better next time.

Maybe that's sad, I don't know. Like I was trying to conform into something so forcefully, almost as if it was an act. I'm not saying being male was an act, not at all, it's never been, but being masculine most certainly was, most of the time. I wanted to wear lots of make-up, have long hair and androgynous clothes, but if I did, before testosterone, I was not gonna pass and no one would have taken me seriously. So I did wear make-up sometimes but just a little bit of messy eyeliner, I kept my hair long but just long and not in a hairstyle and often in a pony tail, and my choice of clothes was mostly baggy bondage pants combined with t-shirts and hoodies.

So I compromised, picked something between the stereotypically masculine and something more androgynous goth-ish. Mostly it was my body language and my voice that made people think I was female though, before testosterone. And the funny thing is that for a long time after I started with hormones, it was the other way around. Then people thought I was female until they heard my new, deeper voice and they were like "oh, not female then". Maybe cause I ditched most of that masculine clothing style and went more androgynous looking again.

I don't know, but I think, if I really try and mostly I do, I'd say I pass to about 90% now. It's usually young kids and elder people who still think I'm female no matter what I do. Though I guess I pass better when I have some facial hair going on. This time though, as I plan to save that out again, I'm not doing it for the sake of passing better, but simply because I miss it and think it looked nice. Although I think I'll not make it as wide as I had it last time, I think it shouldn't be wider than my mouth. And I wish my hair would get longer so I can have it in a middle parting and save out some sideburns too. That's where my beard is the thickest and darkest and I even get a shadow there when I keep it shaved.

It's still slowly filling in on my cheeks and further up on my chin (like the soul strip part kinda) but still no mustache. I wonder if I'll ever get one. I do want one cause I think it would be nice to have like a 3 days stubble going on but not without a mustache stubble if you know what I'm saying? I just think a stubble looks weird on me cause I have most of my facial hair under my chin. Ahaha, I actually hate shaving the stubble that grows on my chin, that specific area, cause it's sooo thick and coarse it's hard to get it off with a simple razor. So that's like a side-note reason to save it out there again too.

I'll likely dye it dark brown as I did before, once it's grown out a little bit, cause I just think it looks weird/bad on me with those stray blonde hairs in it. I don't think sideburns would look good on me with a sidecut in my hairstyle. So that's my reason for not saving those out as of now, but it has been kind of a dream of mine to have sideburns, ever since I was like 12 years old. It's weird cause I didn't even know I identified as male back then. I just... I was so jealous of a classmate at the time who got facial hair at that early age, or if it was a couple of years later.

I was so envious of the other guys in my class during elementary school. Of their bodies then, certainly not of their (in most cases) shitty personalities. It was mainly other guys who bullied me back then and I didn't connect to any of them in any way. If I connected to people of any gender, it was the girls. I felt I was more similar to them even though I could not see myself as one of them. Obviously I'm not actually all that similar to girls in general, but I don't know, it was a shitty school and honestly I only connected to one other person there which is my best friend.

I can't believe it's almost been 7 years since I came out now, as it was sometime during March 2009. I always keep thinking I should have gotten hormones a hell of a lot earlier than August 2013. Those 4 years was the worst waiting of my entire life, and yeah, doctors really seem to know how to make hell out of your life. It was... painful, to see other trans people that I knew, come out after me and get their hormones and surgeries long before me. I got my hormones years after they had already had their gender legally changed and all I could do was just watch them get more and more comfortable with their bodies and who they were, while I felt like I was rotting internally for something I started to think was never gonna happen.

I think that was one of the main reasons I stopped going to those meetings for trans people back in Uppsala, all those 7 years ago. Eventually, it got too painful watching them get what I never seemed to get. They were on their ways forward in life while I was just... rotting, hating myself more and more until I couldn't stand the mirror anymore. I think, most of all, what that waiting for hormones so kindly gave me, was more self hatred. A self hatred that I'm still fighting to "get over". The doctors' precaution killed a part of my soul, basically, it made everything so much worse.

I still look back and I can't figure out if I hate them or my body the most. What they didn't do to help me when they were literally obliged to help me. I had my stupid diagnosis, I was not too mentally ill, they had zero reasons to not give me hormones, yet they refused. The only thing I truly do hate about Uppsala, and the only really good thing about moving to Gotland, when I switched from Uppsala's trans team to the one in Huddinge in Stockholm. The only thing I don't regret about my decision to move here. If I had stayed... I don't know if they would ever had let me physically transition.

I think my transition was one of the most painful and horrible things I've ever gone through, but only when I still lived in Uppsala, that waiting time when absolutely nothing happened. I was dying, fucking dying inside cause my self hatred had reached a point that I had become dangerous to myself. It reached a point where I had decided I would rather die than continue living with how my body was before hormones and surgery. If I ever get the chance, I'd like to personally tell the team in Uppsala what they did to me during those years, that they caused damage that still hasn't healed. And it's now been almost 4 years since I moved from Uppsala and switched teams.

4 years and I'm still wondering where the confident and self-loving John went. I could have reported them, sued them or something, but I'm more of an eye for an eye type of person. I don't believe in the crime and punishment system and it all sounds very complicated to me as well. Legal issues never made much sense to me. I don't even know if I have/had a reasonable cause for suing or reporting them either. I just think what they did, or rather what they didn't do, was wrong and it damaged me significantly. Also they didn't do what they were supposed to do. Everyone I talked to about this during that time (friends and my parents) thought they did wrong as well. They, as much as myself, couldn't understand why the team refused to give me hormones when I was entitled to that.

But as far as I'm aware, it was because of my mental state, that they didn't think I was stable enough. I don't even know why cause I lied about my mental state in every psychiatric situation ever. I might not have been the best liar back then, but I never spoke of my almost constant suicidal thoughts, my self hatred, or why I was such a mess to begin with. I didn't say much at all, just denied I had anything to do with self harm or negative thinking. I was trying to assure them all of how 100% certain I was about wanting to transition. I felt it was basically all I could do.

But looking back, I should have switched teams already when things started to get out of hand, sometime after spring 2010 when I had gotten my diagnosis officially and then nothing more happened. It was during the summer of 2010 that I got testosterone off the black market sort of and started self medicating with it. That was when I had started giving up on that trans team to ever give me hormones legally. I should have looked it up and at least tried to switch teams if at all possible. Cause you're always allowed to get a second opinion. And I should have gotten one.

Yeah I know all of that is old shit by now, but obviously I can't seem to let it go. So much suffering and pain just because my body somehow decided to develop into the female direction before I was born. And I hate nature for what it gave me, but I do believe it would have been easier, at least a little bit, if I had gotten help earlier. I believe this is one huge reason as to why I was a complete mess while living in Uppsala. With all that self hatred and constant insecurity and never getting the help, it's not so strange nothing else worked out in my life.

From one thing to another. It suddenly struck me as a little odd that I haven't either dated anyone or had sex for almost 3 years now. I am so safe from sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies it's almost ridiculous and a little sad. I'm fine though, but I do get a little romantically frustrated at times. And by "a little" I mean so freaking much I think I'll dissolve. I'm still in love with K and I think that's one of the reasons I haven't really been interested in anyone else. I seem to switch between being polyamourous and monogamous, and for the past 3 years I've been more to the latter, but still somewhat "open minded" about it, or what to say.

Like I just know K probably won't ever want to give me a chance, but I still don't want to let him go, but it's like I can be open for something else while still loving K. Of course it would have to be someone who could at least somewhat accept my half obsessive love for K, which I believe wouldn't be so easy to find such a person. And I'd have to be interested back as well, so yeah. I'll probably die single and heartbroken. But I don't always see myself as too lonely to deal with, I mean, I do wish for some romance but it would have to be under certain requirements. Like most likely little to no sex, and that possible future partner must not be suffocating me. But if they would be male, female, both neither, cis, trans I really don't care.

But all in all if anything I'd just aim for finding someone I could love and who could love me back preferably without any obsessions involved and I really don't care much about what gender they would or wouldn't be of. Let's just say I have a tiny preference but it's really not a mandatory one. Personality and chemistry always, always comes first for me. Just that it's a lovely person who could at least tolerate me. And I usually have no problem finding lovely people left to right, but finding someone I could like spark with is indeed difficult for me.

Especially since I'm already in love with most of my heart and soul occupied. Although I do believe there's infinite space for people in there, but yeah. Maybe my love for K is blocking the entrance or something, I don't know. I just miss good company and romance, I suppose. I miss sharing all of me with someone that way. And part of me is still hoping for just one time having a decent relationship with someone. Which doesn't involve abuse of any kind or a whole lot of misunderstanding. It doesn't have to be perfect at all, just plain fucking decent.

A healthy relationship, that's all I ever ask for. It can involve fights, in can involve difficulties of almost any kind, as long as we'd get along in the long run and accept each other for our flaws. I usually have no trouble accepting other people's flaws, it's just that they usually can't accept or even understand mine.

I still think about the future and I try to not only be negative in my thoughts. Things I still wish would happen within a reasonable time from now and things I wish would just happen at all. Some things can take literally forever and I don't mind, while other things I'm calmly impatient about. Like not showing my impatience outwards, but it's still there. I still wonder what dating could be like post transition. I've never had anyone touch my flat chest, and that somehow makes me... I don't know, feel stuff. I wouldn't let just anyone that close to me either though. But it's something that's been on my mind from time to time, that I've never been with anyone since before the surgery.

And I guess it's something I'd kinda want to explore, in lack of better words. It's a thought that excites me and makes me a little sad too. Like I know I didn't have the surgery for anyone else but myself, but still, it's something I would like to share too, in a way. Well, it's only been two years (in a month) so I guess I shouldn't worry or anything. And I don't, it's just that the thought is there nonetheless. And I wonder about other aspects too, regarding dating someone post my transition. Like being seen as male in a relationship for example. I thought I was back when I was with my latest ex, or how to put it.

Back in 2011, the non-abusive relationship but I don't think I was in love with him. However, I though he saw me as male or I just wanted to believe that he did, but there were a lot of indications as to him not seeing me as male. I had been on hormones for about a year (self-medicated) but still looked very feminine and well, all of my female parts were still intact. Ew, but however that was the way it was back then. And I could tell, that even though he never really said it, that he wanted me to keep those parts. I had no interest what so ever in keeping anything the way it was and I still don't by the way, but I couldn't even tell him that.

On the other hand he told me several times that "when he got rich" he would pay for all of my hormones and surgeries if the doctors still wouldn't give me that, since all that stuff is basically free here in Sweden if you have the diagnosis and stuff like that. I don't have the words to explain it in a good and or understandable way, but it's free cause the state or something pays for it with our tax money, like any other health care. However, my ex at the time literally offered to pay for all of that should the doctors not help me, but he was undeniably broke and we both tried to scrape by on my allowance and my parents' money as he was trying his best looking for a job.

He did, at least on some level, see it as we were a gay couple, or at least anywhere outside in the world. I think he mainly had all good intentions but that he was struggling a bit with accepting the whole thing about me being male but still looking like a female. So I don't see it as that I did experience what it was like to be seen as male in that relationship, because there were just too many indications that I wasn't. And I don't want to go into too much details, but yeah, I had some real struggles with our sex life and I did not feel accepted at those times. I felt as if he wanted me to be what I was not because of how my body looked. It disgusted me and eventually, I could simply not deal with it at all.

I know, I know, I should have talked to him about it, but I never really did. I tried a few times, but very subtly and carefully. He didn't take the hints and I was just frustrated and lacked words to describe what it made me feel like without hurting him. It was just something that I felt was hanging over us like a dark cloud and that it ruined things. I both blamed him for not listening to me when I had tried to talk to him and I also blamed myself for not daring to speak up. I don't feel as though it damaged me on a significant level or anything though, it was just hard to deal with back then and I still think about it, but it's not like it traumatised me or anything like that.

I know he had good intentions and never wanted to hurt me, it's just that the whole relationship was built on misunderstandings and bad communication and that just never ends well. Although, that relationship did end well. We're still in contact and we don't think bad about each other or about that the relationship ended. I don't really regret anything, or well, I don't regret entering the relationship or ending it. I might regret some of what happened in between, like that about me not speaking up about what really didn't work out between us, for example.

And I don't know, but I think it's still sad that that was the best relationship I ever had so far. It felt so empty, so shallow and half the things never worked out, it was like none of us really gave it a chance, and it was the best I ever had. So yeah... I do feel as though I'm missing out on something. I'm just not done with romantic relationships, even though it might seem that way cause I've been single for so long. Like, those I tell about that I've been single for 4 years now, they all seem to think I've given up or something, but it's not true. I just haven't found anyone to be with during all that time.

It's been harder for me to connect with new people lately and well, I still don't know anyone on this island except from my family, and I'm not gonna date them, ew no. But I've been slightly starting to connect with new people, meaning my classmates and teachers. Now I don't particularly see any of them as dating material or how to put it (cause that sounded gross but I can't think of a better way of phrasing it) mostly cause 1. I'm not attracted to them in any single way other than to have them as friends, and 2. most of them are already married or dating someone else. But maybe I'd be more likely to connect to other people too now, I don't know.

So I just rested on the couch (fell asleep there eventually) and thought about all the plastic surgery I'd like to do if I had the money/got offered to have it done. And how unfair I find it that trans girls get so much such offered to them in their transition but trans guys do not. Like, where is my facial masculinisation surgery option? Not here! And all that extra fat on and around my hip area that does not belong there, why wasn't I offered to have that removed as a part of my transition? As if I could ever afford that myself, now or in any kind of future.

I wouldn't want to do anything terribly invasive about my face, I guess. But I do hate my weak chin and lack of jawline. Sure I would like some kind of eye lift too but I just wouldn't trust anyone, even a skilled surgeon, to get that close to my eyes with a scalpel. And I do think my nose is too big but I like its shape and I don't even know if it would be possible to keep its shape just make it like, closer to my face or something, and also I think it would look better as it is if I just had a stronger jaw and bigger chin.

So well, I wouldn't be unrecognisable if I could get any surgery I wanted, just slightly different, I guess. And of course, from my perspective, slightly better. And I've been so mad at how I could not get any surgeries except from top- and bottom surgery. Like maybe I'm demanding/asking for too much but it's my body and my genes completely suck. I don't think my hormones did a very good job in changing my appearance and yeah, it still pisses me off.

But yeah, I'm trying to stop wishing for impossible things to happen cause worst case scenario, they make me cry and hate myself even more cause I'm so damn concentrated on what I consider to be my flaws.

Ended up on youtube watching make-up videos again. I can assure you, that if you're ever looking for foundation tips, contouring and such, there is an ocean of tips there. I mostly look at videos of very light skinned people with acne doing tutorials on how to cover it. Simply because I might be interested in the products and if the person in the video has much darker skin than me, chances are their products don't even come in my shade. Most products don't.

Oh my god, this coffee is revolting. However, I do mostly put on make-up just to hide my acne, but I also do a fair bit of shaping with contouring and highlighting, getting us back to the topic of my not masculine enough face. I do contour my cheek bones in what's considered a more masculine way, like in a downward curved bow instead of straight (diagonally) or an upward curved bow which is considered more feminine, apparently, according to make-up artists. Then I also bring out my jawline quite a bit with pretty harsh contouring and highlighting. And then also I highlight my chin to make it pop and seem like it stands out a little bit further.

I do also contour my forehead and nose but that's just cause I think it looks better for no apparent reason. I don't think my forehead is too big and I'm not really trying to make my nose look smaller. Maybe I'm just giving it a bit more dimension, I don't know. Oh, and I do highlight my cheek bones too but I just don't think it makes them pop or anything really. Don't know what I'm doing wrong there. Maybe it's because I literally don't have prominent cheek bones at all and it's hard to create something that just isn't even there to begin with. My face is so flat like why...

I wish I could do my make-up a lot better than how I do it right now. I still think my pores look huge, it looks cakey and far from natural in daylight. It looks much better in photos, trust me. I can't show a picture of how it actually looks in real life, and I would want to. Cause it just feels... I don't know, but sort of fake to show my make-up and it doesn't even look half as good in reality. Reality sucks and I wish to escape it, alright? But instead I have to put up with its crap.

It's like, really not that much about how I look that I feel okay with. I do basically everything I can to look a certain way because I hate my entire body. I alter my clothes to fit a certain way to make my hips look smaller and my upper body look bigger, to hide my fat stomach and give me a more straight and slim silhouette. I put on a crap load of make-up cause I hate my acne and facial features or lack there of. And I guess my hair is the only thing that becomes more of a creative outlet than something to alter my over all looks.

I realise I put in sooo much time and effort in all of this, from what colour pants I wear to how I contour my face and literally everything is so extremely and carefully planned out just to make me look a little bit better. I don't think I would pass half as good if I didn't put so much effort into it. I know it's worth it, but damn. It can take literally weeks for me to just think of and make a new outfit that I haven't worn before, also hence why I hate shopping for new clothes. Because everything has to work in this insane harmony to make me look that certain way.

My world vs. your society

I'm trying to watch another quite horrible transguy documentary, as they keep misgendering him and viewing him as a freak of nature, almost. I would never have a documentary made about myself. Never. No matter how interesting my life might be for the public eye. In that case they can make one when I'm dead, cause that I somehow wouldn't mind.

I don't know, the whole media representation of transsexualism is disgusting to me. It's always been, and it's partially what made it harder for me to eventually come out for the first time, about the time I was 19 years old. Cause the media representation that I found when my first thoughts started coming when I was 15 was horrible.

It was only information about transgirls that I could find and it was always this "she used to be a man" or "look at what gross things he did to his body" when referring to a transgirl. It's just disgusting and awful. And that was what I was exposed to and probably what made me reconsider, to try and live as a girl instead of embracing myself and my true gender identity.

Society is so fucked up. Like what the hell?! I still sometimes get reminded of all the young transgender people who have killed themselves recently. Especially a transgirl named Leelah Alcorn (and of course the media used her male birth name, but I have actually, completely honestly, forgotten what that was now.)

She was all over tumblr and I tried to not be bothered by it, but it's just awful and she posted her suicide letter on tumblr. In it she said to fix the society. She killed herself because her family could not accept that she was trans. I think she was 16 or 17 years old, though I might remember her age incorrectly, but something around that.

Anyway, my point is that society is still so very fucked up when it comes to transgender people and how we are being treated. The laws that strap us down, cisgender people not accepting us, hate, discrimination, violence, murder, sexual assault, suicide. The list is too damn long. Also, specifically transgender women of colour have been murdered left to right lately. I honestly have no idea what's going on.

And that makes me almost even angrier because that involves racism too. I really hate racism, it just makes me so fucking angry. Like I have a classmate who is not white and she opened up about being called racist slurs by a teacher when she was a kid. I could almost not contain myself when she said that. I don't know why I almost react stronger to racism, but possibly cause I hate being white privilege myself.

It's stupid and I shouldn't dislike myself for being white. It's just as unimportant/important as any other skin colour. But I do hate that I am privileged in a way that makes some people look down on me. I hate that somehow my opinion matter less because I have that privilege. It's hard to explain, I come to realise.

But lately, I have become more aware of my privilege. As a mentally disabled, gay transgender person, I do have a lot of things going well for me. I have access to allowance, transgender care such as hormones and surgeries, I'm white and I'm male, I live in a country that tolerates my kind of people and I've never had a real reason to fear for my life. I'm middle class (brought up that way, at least) and I've never gotten in any kind of trouble for liking people of the same gender.

A lot of things are good. And I try to embrace that, somehow. Almost all of my problems are mental and has little to do with society. I'm a burden to it though. I am health care resources, living on allowance full time and I can't take care of myself. I'm not independent or smart enough to get a cool job. I am also lazy and selfish. I take up space but do nothing useful with it.

I don't often feel bad about being a burden to society, but more often I feel bad about society being a burden to me. Cause I'm also (kind of) a human being and should be treated as one. Transgender people have right too. Gay people have rights too. Crazy people have rights too. Because underneath all that I am an actual person and society has a knack for forgetting that kind of thing.

I'm not just pills in a bottle, a hospital patient, someone cared under LSS or a guy with girl parts. I'm a person and society just doesn't treat me that way. But I can say fuck society because I am that privileged. I can and do most often choose to turn off the outside world and stay inside my own cozy yet scary little world.

I mostly only blog about myself and that's what this blog really is about, but I just wanted to tell you that despite being too stuck up in my own little world, I do care. I just can't handle it. I have enough going on already in my life, I just can't worry about the lives of others too. Except from K, my best friends (to a certain degree), my family (also to a certain degree) and occasional other friends.

But the world at large? Not a chance, it would be too much. It was too much. Cause as I grew up in my teenage years, I was told to start opening my eyes to see the world outside too, and I tried that for a while, a good amount of years or so, but then my own reality caught up with me and the only way I could sort it was to shut out the real reality.

Then I forgot to care. Reality left me too. I was no longer holding on to it as I realised that there's no place for me in it. I just don't belong in the real reality, in your reality. In the reality where transgendered and people of colour get murdered or end their own lives. In the reality where women get attacked and brutalised, where men get killed by cops for no reason, where sexual assault and child molestation is more than just common, where war and total destruction is.

I have no place in it because I can't react to it right or because I don't react at all. I made a choice and your reality is just not where I want to live. No, I'm not touching the suicide topic again, just the isolation topic, I think. Okay, getting too tired to write, so I guess I'll just post this then.

The gender in clothes

Maybe this summer I'll wear a dress? That thought later came to me as I woke up this morning, as I do not want to believe in gendered clothes. I would still keep my beard and not do anything else differently, but wear a dress. Something black and goth, of course, preferably full length to hide my hairy legs and some nice shoes to go with that.

I never before thought it would scare me but it does. All the hatred I could get for simply wearing a dress. It's not like way before when I wore dresses all the time. It literally went years before I started wearing pants again. So consumed by my role, to keep up appearance so that people wouldn't find out the truth that I'm actually a guy. Hiding behind heavy make-up and fancy skirts, dresses and corsets.

I sometimes miss it, but I'm afraid to admit that. That there's still a transvestite hiding inside me, I try to let that person go. Because I have nowhere to take them, no place to release that pressure and be that part of me. Like, if only there was a gay club or something nearby. I could go all out drag and just be Kazanndra or Lydia for just one night and then stuff that away in a drawer again for the next time.

But I don't know. Just thinking about wearing a dress has got nothing to do with going drag, not really. It's about not being afraid of who I am, a guy who just happens to not give a shit about hetero normativity. And it's got nothing to do with that I'm transsexual either. I've never gotten hate for doing "feminine" things as a transguy. Maybe it's the awesome people that I surround myself with.

Still, it's different here on this island where no one knows about my background. I don't want them getting ideas. That, like, if I was to show up at school wearing a simple, black dress and half fancy shoes they might think that I'm trans the other way around. I've always hated it when people assume that. It's like, no, I'm just wearing a stupid dress, it doesn't mean anything.

It's so wrong though, cause in a way I've almost reverted back to the closet but for the exact opposite reason, if that makes any sense. Cause long before, back in 2005 when I just discovered that what the heck, I'm a guy, I bound my chest and packed in privacy. Now I'm wearing dresses and make-up in privacy.

I'm still a guy, don't get me wrong, just not that macho alpha male that I'm "supposed" to be. And I don't want to be that kind of guy either. I love being androgynous the right way, I just hate this fucked up society and it's "demands" on me as a transguy, or as a guy in general.

Cause even though my openness, most of society doesn't know that I'm trans. And I'd like to keep it that way. My thoughts are running wild right now, and in my mind, I can't stick to the subject. I start rambling about wanting kids again, and about wanting to starve again. So I'll just end it here as I'm drifting off topic and forget what I was thinking about it.