I've gone sad again. The wind outside froze me cold despite the thick, fluffy jacket I wore. It was as if the wind just blew right through. I never wanna go outside again. Have I become such a loner? But walking to the grocery store only because you have to, on a lonely Sunday evening, isn't the most enjoyable thing one can do. Alas, I never enjoy going anywhere these days. And I feel guilty because of it. That there's nothing I look forward to do on this gods forsaken island.
That's how I feel about it all, that nothing is worth my time and effort. One I can always give out freely, the other not so much. Maybe I'll still force myself to go to places I'm expected to enjoy, and maybe I'll even pretend to enjoy it. I don't longer believe in that "fake it til' you make it" but yet I do fake. To not worry others, to not let them see me wither away in my almost total loneliness.
Maybe Aesthetic Perfection can keep me awake a few more hours, don't think I can take any more caffeine today. Been awake long enough for just one day already anyway. Don't even remember when I went up yesterday. Just wanted to stay up long enough to get some order in that messy circadian rhythm.
I try, I really do, but sometimes I fail and sleep until late afternoon. And I have to start allover again. I have to accept my mistakes, and I do. I accept them more than anybody else does.
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